SMNTCERR, Chapter 94: #12. 

Suddenly, the sadness that had seized Sangwoo seemed to ease at the corner of his eyes, and a tear flowed down his cheek. Soon, it entered his mouth, causing Jaeyoung’s body to stiffen. Sangwoo didn’t want to see the other person’s face, so he grabbed his own T-shirt and pulled it up, but Jaeyoung pushed Sangwoo’s chest away with a tense face.

His trembling finger hesitated, afraid to touch his delicate eyelids. Jaeyoung cautiously used the back of his thumb to wipe the corners of Sangwoo’s eyes, but his deliberate action resulted in the opposite effect.

Damn it… I guess you are crying again.”

“I’m not crying.”

Sangwoo stepped down from the other person’s curve and quickly wiped his face with his shirt sleeve, but the tears that had burst out once did not easily stop.

“No, today is not a sad day.”

“I said I didn’t cry a little bit.”

Every word that the other party spoke, instead of calming him down, made his sadness flow even more. Silent cries turned into soft sobs.

“What should I do to make you stop crying? Can I cry with you?”

Jaeyoung gently pats Sangwoo’s cheek with one hand, tapping the screen of his phone a few times with a face that didn’t seem right before yelling at the opposite party, who he didn’t know was who. “You guys bastard, don’t you know how to work?”

“I really want to go crazy.”

While the other party spoke to himself and hugged his body, the accumulated sadness burst out. While Sangwoo cried, Jaeyoung didn’t say a word. His hand, which still held the warm cheek, felt like it was being electrocuted. At the same time, he embraced Sangwoo. While the right shoulder of Jaeyoung became wet every time, it moved closer. Sangwoo cried loudly without embarrassment.

The arm that used to hold Sangwoo tightly seemed to gently suffocate his shoulders when it first lay down, without realizing it. The wet right hand still touched Sangwoo’s cheek, using the fingertips and the base of the thumb to gently stroke the eyelids, eyebrows, and bridge of the nose.

“It’s so hot.”

The other person’s fingers, palm, chest, arms, and every point where the skin touched, all felt hot. Tears welled up at the edge of his eyes and flowed through his cheeks. Sweat made the clothes stick to his arms. Blood circulated through his body. Everything felt boiling and evaporated when he released his body with the warmth that made his consciousness fade away and relaxed his eyelids. Everything felt better, everything that used to hold on began to drift away, like waves washing away the sand and then retreating.

“Is sadness that big?”

After a moment, Jaeyoung asked, and the other party’s soft finger slipped into the tailbone and gently touched the damp hair, giving a pleasant feeling like a summer breeze. Sangwoo leaned his weight on Jaeyoung’s shoulder and answered back softly.

“It’s okay now.”

“Are you sane now?”

“That thing has been missing for a long time. If I were conscious, I wouldn’t have liked someone like you from the beginning.”

“There is a reason for what I said. Maybe I can’t be conscious again.”

Jaeyoung released his tight embrace. Then he lifted Sangwoo’s chin, using his thumb to wipe the moisture on the corner of his cheek before meeting each other’s gaze.

“It looks like finally we’re ready to talk.”

The faint, hazy voice whispered softly. Although he didn’t know what the other party would say, Sangwoo paused. Jaeyoung spoke while their faces were apart, close enough for the tips of their noses to touch.

“Have you figured out the answer to the homework given before?”

Is it about that again? Even though he had been contemplating it many times, Sangwoo wasn’t sure if he would answer correctly.

“It’s too difficult. I don’t know.”

“We’ve come this far and you still don’t know? I don’t know if you’re a genius or just a fool.”

“I’m a fool.”

Based on today, it’s most likely.”

Sangwoo took a deep breath, not thinking of denying it but feeling that he should explain the reason why he failed to complete his homework. He looked into Jaeyoung’s eyes, which partly opened his mouth.

“The fact that you’re going to leave isn’t the problem. I just need to be confident. I can endure it for a year or two. This feeling couldn’t happen to anyone else because until now, it has never happened before.” Sangwoo adjusted his breathing and continued speaking.

“But maybe you won’t be there anymore. You might become more popular, more attractive, change your phone number, have a girlfriend, and not want to see me anymore. Even if I say not to do that, it probably won’t be beneficial.”

After hearing everything, Jaeyoung just laughed as if he was having fun. The other party stared into Sangwoo’s eyes before kissing his forehead. That was Sangwoo’s favorite action. The second the soft lips separated from his forehead, he felt a tinge of regret. After that, Jaeyoung opened his mouth to speak.

“Have you ever heard that story about a person turning into a tree because they love trees too much?”

“I am just hearing it for the first time.”

“Well, I guess that’s how it is because I just got engaged a while ago.”

“What is it?”

“I wonder if you talked so much about backhoes until it turned into actual excavators.”

The direction of the conversation was becoming increasingly difficult to understand. Sangwoo looked a little confused as he waited to hear what the other person would say next.

“It’s time to stop doing useless things, isn’t it?”

Although their feelings for each other were passionately intense, it was still seen as something useless. He knew very well that Jaeyoung didn’t really mean anything, but he thought the other person had gone too far.

“It’s cute, but it’s also annoying at the same time.”

“What does that mean?”

“Look at it from a normal person’s perspective. The first kiss on the day you came to find me to play a game, the next day we talked and started dating, the first date was that weekend. We had sex and started living together, we spent time…”

Jaeyoung stopped talking and looked away before smiling and looking back at Sangwoo.

“I won’t say that it was a waste of time, because everything was so good and that means I can go on more dates with you. And how many more times will we have sex, you like it, right?”

“That’s right. I really have too little time. I’m sorry.”

“There will be plenty of time next. What’s there to be afraid of?”

Sangwoo frowned, they had less than a month left, but Jaeyoung said something strange while he prepared to argue. The other side laid their hand on his shoulder. Jaeyoung tapped Sangwoo’s head and spoke.

“The answer to the homework is, ‘I’m right here beside you’, you know?”

“…”

“You tend to just give up, isn’t it?”

Sangwoo pursed his lips, but no words escaped. Easy, right? It wasn’t easy for him at all. When considering the possibilities of hope, suitability, and usefulness. That’s something he couldn’t say decisively.

Jaeyoung looked into Sangwoo’s eyes with a curious gaze.

“At least try to say it now. Then I’ll consider your answer.”

“…I can’t do it.”

Hurry up.”

“I can’t.”

“You stubborn kid. I thought you would have softened up by now, but you’re still the same.”

The hand that was once placed on his head slid down to his chin and lifted his face. Then Jaeyoung removed his hand from Sangwoo’s face and picked up his phone from his pants pocket again. He complained, “Damn weirdo. I sent an email to you. You didn’t even think about replying.” And then suddenly widened his eyes. “Oh… it’s here.”

“What is it?”

Jaeyoung didn’t respond and just stared at the screen almost piercingly. Sangwoo sneakily looked through as well, wanting to know and see, and found that it was an email in English. He guessed it was about the other party’s study abroad. Jaeyoung quickly scrolled down to read the content before blurting out a curse word.

“TOE-I.”

Sangwoo snatched the phone from the other party’s hand and read each line of the message.

‘Your request, which we rejected. We apologize. The applicant is an excellent student. We understand, but it’s a pity. Attending our school is not possible if his language skills have not been certified by your university. He needs to have the language skills necessary for his studies and we have difficulties in changing our required conditions for an exchange student. We hope you understand…’[2.] 

Sangwoo interpreted the message without conscience before understanding its meaning in an instant. As he scrolled down, he found the full version of the message that Jaeyoung wrote, inquiring about exchange students, along with a game development portfolio, English language proficiency certification, and academic transcripts attached.

The receiver’s email belonged to a foreign university that Sangwoo himself knew, an engineering university in the same state as Jaeyoung’s college. Despite not being in contact, both of them independently searched for the same solution. This is evidence that Jaeyoung worried and tried to stay with Sangwoo. Even though the outcome may fail, Sangwoo’s heart beats strongly as if it has been authorized to never separate from the other party.

Jaeyoung lowered his head and peered at the floor before lifting his face back up. Their eyes met again, with no expectations or disappointments. The other party remained expressionless.

“Good, clear.”

Then the other party moved closer and sat facing him. Jaeyoung answered his phone and put it in his bag before looking into Sangwoo’s eyes with a serious expression. Sangwoo spoke first.

“I have something to say.”

“No, you’ve said enough. I’ve had enough of it.”

Jaeyoung firmly denied and placed both hands on Sangwoo’s shoulder.

“The email you saw… came from the engineering faculty of the state university where I went to study. Our university keeps repeating that if you don’t have a TOEIC score, we can’t apply for an exchange student program. So I contacted them directly, but it didn’t work out. I thought that if I could, I would give up everything and follow you in July.”

Sangwoo listened with a pounding heart before lifting his face in an instant.

There was one phrase that he had thought about and couldn’t let it pass.

“You… went to study abroad?”

The voice that came out was trembling. Jaeyoung coordinated his hand and touched Sangwoo’s forehead with his own until their hair touched.

Your two-week exam period was just a trial version for me. If I could stand it, I thought I would try to stay far away. But I didn’t actually do it, I don’t even know how many times I went to your house.”

“Did you come over?”

“Eleven times. And I wore a hoodie to go to class with you three times.”

“Don’t joke around, there’s no way I wouldn’t remember.”

“Well, I don’t see you remembering. I attended Professor Pororo’s class twice, and on the day of the algorithm presentation, I sat behind you. I was a bit frustrated that I wanted to hear your voice, but then there was a crazy guy who knew where he came from and presented instead.”

This was the most unbelievable thing Jaeyoung had ever said. Sangwoo looked into the other party’s eyes with suspicion, thinking that he might be joking, but Jaeyoung’s face remained tense.

“That’s not the point… Are you not going to continue studying? Again?”

“I can’t leave you.”

“What does that mean? It’s not like that.”

Sangwoo sighed and tried to step back. Jaeyoung held onto his arms tightly.

“You know, what if there’s some crazy guy who didn’t graduate and comes chasing after you? What if you go help someone and that person ends up falling in love with you? What if you accidentally bump into someone and that guy comes to stab you? What if someone finds out about your existence?

What am I supposed to do then?”

“I don’t think speaking like this will solve anything. Why don’t you have any common sense?”

“I’ve always been like this, and after meeting you, it has become even worse.

I take responsibility for it.”

“Calm down, hyung…”

“I can’t calm down, the time difference is fourteen hours. When I wake up in the morning, it’s already your bedtime. I can’t contact you all day, and by the time you wake up, it’s already midnight. You have to go to school, you have to study, so there’s no way for me to contact you, and I just want to know desperately if you’re doing okay, if anything happened. Did anyone come to talk to you?”

“Video call… we can do that.”

“The phone doesn’t really work, what’s the point of talking about video calls? I guess I’ll miss you alone. And then, at some point, it will explode. And if I ask if you’ve changed, if you still like me, you’ll probably get mad and say, ‘Isn’t this enough?’ ‘It’s disturbing my studies.’ ‘I think it’s a waste of time.’ And then you’ll probably block my number.”

“…That’s not possible.”

Jaeyoung spoke passionately for a while before stopping, keeping his mouth shut for a moment before looking up. He then rubbed his hands on his face and glanced at him again.

“I’ll make it clear, I’m giving up studying abroad because of you.”

“It’s not necessary…”

“Don’t interrupt and listen until the end, and then respond when you understand.”

Sangwoo closed his mouth, needing to listen before making a decision on what to answer, while he thought like that. Jaeyoung held his cheeks with both hands, his eyes showing seriousness. Sangwoo could feel his heart pounding heavily, swallowing nervously.

“Chu Sangwoo.”

“… Yes.”

“I don’t want to be your sex partner anymore.”

________________________________________.

 

 

[1] Useless. In Korean, the word is “삽질” (sap-jil), which literally means 

“digging with a hoe.” It implies doing something useless, working in vain, like digging and getting nothing in return. Just exhausting. 

[2]. Sangwoo reads email absentmindedly, so the sentence is fragmented. 

 

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