MYMOON, Chapter 19: part 1
glaijai: Don’t drink too much, puppy.
- Panli: Understood.
glaijai: I’ll message you once I’m done with work.
- Panli: Okay, take a break for your eyes, alright? Don’t overdo it.
glaijai: sent a sticker
Panli looked at the sticker of a fluffy white bunny with bright, clear eyes and the word “Okay” in English above its long ears. Then Panli sent a sticker of a brown puppy with little hearts floating around it to the other side.
The beach trip made Klai so much braver, it even surprised Panli. Panli never expected him to confess his love to Panli first, despite having secretly loved Panli for so long. Honestly, Panli had planned to confess to him first, to ask to take their relationship beyond close friends and share some things Panli had learned about. Panli was just waiting for the right time and opportunity. But Klai beat Panli to it, confessing his love first, which changed Panli’s plans. Still, no matter who confessed first, the outcome was the same.
Because in the end, it let Panli send that puppy sticker with little hearts floating around it to him. Panli didn’t have to keep canceling the sticker Panli had chosen with Panli’s true feelings at the moment, hesitant to send it because the timing didn’t feel right. Panli’s glad Panli could finally send that puppy sticker with the little hearts to Klai without holding back.
A heart that means “my heart” or “I love you.” A heart Panli has defined with only those two meanings.
Nothing else… and nothing more.
And because last night, both of them confessed the feelings they’d kept hidden in their hearts, after returning from the beach in the early evening, the things they usually talked about every day changed. But they changed in a way that’s clearer for both of them… that they’re now dating, and their feelings are so clear they can express them in words to give to each other, no longer keeping them locked in their hearts.
“I miss my puppy so much.”
Yes… last night, Klai turned his feelings into that sentence.
“Miss you too. Wanna go see my little rascal right now.”
And of course… last night, Panli poured all Panli’s feelings into words for him too.
Panli grabbed a white shirt from the wardrobe, putting it on in a hurry because Panli was already an hour late for the meetup. Tonight, Panli had to attend a farewell party for Tew, who’s returning to China. The reason Panli was late was the accumulated exhaustion from yesterday, which kept Panli glued to the bed all day. By now, all Panli’s friends were probably already gathered at the bar.
Once dressed, Panli grabbed Panli’s expensive new helmet and a paper bag containing a gift for Panli’s close friend to take back to China. Panli had heard Tew complain a few days ago about wanting a pair of shoes from this brand, so Panli decided to buy them for him.
As soon as Panli came downstairs, Panli saw the nanny who’d raised Panli since Panli was a kid standing at the hallway table, arranging a vase of flowers.
“Nanny, I will be back late tonight… don’t wait up for me.”
“Where’s my little one off to tonight?”
“Going to a farewell party for a friend heading back to China,” Panli said.
“Alright…” Nanny nodded lightly, eyeing Panli as Panli stopped in front of her. Then, she raised an eyebrow as if something just clicked. “Young Master… tomorrow’s Wednesday. Should I prepare milk and bread as usual?”
“Yes, but this time, I want plain milk. As for the bread, any kind is fine, but make it sweet, really sweet.”
“Got it. I’ll have it ready for you.”
“Thanks, Nanny.”
“Have you been feeling hungry during classes lately, Young Master? Is that why you bring milk and bread to uni?” she asked.
Panli gave a small smile before answering, “Panli’s not eating them himself. Panli brings them for someone cute who has early morning
classes and barely has time for breakfast.”
Nanny’s eyes widened. “Does Young Master have a faen now?”
Her question made me grin widely. “Let him promote me to boyfriend first, then I’ll bring him to meet you.”
Seeing Nanny about to ask more, Panli quickly waved goodbye and hurried off. If Panli stayed a second longer, Panli wouldn’t make it to Tew’s farewell party tonight—Nanny would grill Panli for hours.
As Panli straddled Panli’s red Ducati, which Panli bought ages ago but rarely rode, Panli thought about the plain milk and sweet bread he asked Nanny to prepare. Tomorrow, he would need to wake up earlier than usual and leave the house two hours before Klaijai’s class. Otherwise, he’d figure out that the person leaving milk and bread in his locker isn’t Phii Dom.
It’s Panli.
It’s always been Panli.
Never Phii Dom, as Klaijai assumes.
After that day they returned from the football match, Panli learned that on Wednesdays, Klaijai often skips breakfast. The idea of bringing him something to eat before class popped into Panli’s head. But knowing how considerate Klaijai is, if Panli—someone he knows has afternoon classes—offered to bring him milk and bread every Wednesday morning, he’d refuse without a second thought. He wouldn’t want to trouble Panli. In the end, he’d stress about preparing breakfast again and feel guilty on days he forgets to eat.
If that happened, Panli wouldn’t be helping him stay healthy as he hoped. Instead, Panli would just burden him with more worries. So, he decided to call the important person who brought them into each other’s orbit.
Panli consulted Phii Dom about what to do. He suggested secretly leaving the items in the locker at the mock-up room, since he’d heard Klaijai has classes there every Wednesday. Phii Dom even went as far as finding out the locker number Klaijai usually uses. At first, he offered to deliver the milk and bread himself since he has morning classes. But Panli said something to him.
“As I told you before… I want to take care of Klai.”
“…”
“This thought… it’s never changed at all.”
“…”
“Even though I didn’t let you take the stuff to KhunKlai… I has something else I would like your help with.”
“Go ahead and say it…”
“I think KhunKlai must be wondering who’s been putting these things in his locker… and since you called to ask about the locker number, he probably thinks it’s you, right?”
“…”
“If he asks you about this… please tell him it was you for now.”
“…”
“If he finds out I’m the one giving him these things, he’ll probably feel awkward and reject me, just like I said.”
“…”
“If things between me and KhunKlai go further… far enough that we both understand why we need to take care of each other, and with what kind of feelings, I will confess this to him myself.”
“Alright…”
“You understand me, right?”
“I’ve always understood you, Li.”
“Sometimes I might make you feel uncomfortable for having to keep all these things from KhunKlai. I’m sorry about that.”
“If the reason for keeping these things a secret wasn’t because you wanted to do something for my little brother, to take care of him, I’d probably feel uneasy… but because I know exactly why you’re doing it, I’m happy to help.”
“Thank you, Phii Dom.”
“I’m the one who should be saying that.”
“…”
“…Thank you so much for coming into Klai’s life as something good.”
“Actually… I think I the one who should be saying that sentence, but not to you, Phii Dom. I should save the words, “Thank you for coming into my life as something good,” for Klaijai.
When Panli thinks about his feelings for that good person, a smile appears under his helmet. Panli pulls down the tinted visor and rides his motorcycle out of the house to join the farewell party for that jerk Tew.
“If you’re going to be this late… you might as well just take me to the airport tomorrow, you idiot!”
“Not my wife, don’t nag,” Panli said, tossing a paper bag with a shoebox inside to his sulky best friend. “Here.”
“What? You’re seriously giving this to me?”
“I’m shoving it into your hands, you think I’m joking, you jerk?”
Panli said before plopping down across from Tew, placing the helmet he had brought along—afraid it’d get stolen—beside him. Boss, the group’s resident bartender, mixed a strong drink and offered it to Panli. Panli shook his head, declining, and asked for just a Coke. The guy who always mixes their drinks raised an eyebrow, clearly shocked. It’s not surprising Panli’s close friend would be stunned since Panli never turns down a drink like this.
“Just a Coke for Panli… I’m skipping alcohol today.”
“What, am I hearing things?”
Tew grinned ear to ear as he admired the shoes he’d been dreaming of, then looked up at Panli and smirked. “Bet your future wife laid down the law, huh?”
“He didn’t order me… I just don’t want him to worry.”
“That’s how it is, huh… Well, stick to Coke then,” Boss said, handing Panli a glass of Coke.
“And you still rode your bike here?”
“Yup.”
“What made you start riding a motorcycle again?”
“Probably sick of traffic, right? A bike’s way more maneuverable, yeah?” another friend chimed in.
“Close, but not quite,” Panli said, setting down the Coke he had just chugged. Panli started explaining why he had gone back to riding a motorcycle to the group. “Every Wednesday, KhunKlai has so many classes he barely has time for breakfast. Panli wants to make sure he has something to eat before class… so Panli brings him food.”
“…”
“But morning traffic is a nightmare. I was worried I wouldn’t make it before Khun Klai’s classes started, so I switched to the bike.”
“Panli… doesn’t he have afternoon classes on Wednesdays, though?” Boss asked, looking puzzled.
“Yup.”
“So you’re waking up early just to bring KhunKlai food?”
“Yup, but I usually wakes up early anyway… now I just wakes up a couple of hours earlier on Wednesdays.”
“Panli… you planning to keep this up forever?” Tew asked, his face serious.
Panli nodded the moment the question left Panli’s best friend’s mouth. Panli wasn’t answering thoughtlessly. Panli had thought this through carefully and decided long ago. “Yeah… I will do it for KhunKlai forever.”
“Okay, I want you as my husband… I’m ready to be your wife right now.”
Tew replied with a face just as serious as when he’d asked the question. It wasn’t just Panli who burst out laughing—the whole group cracked up, shaking their heads.
“Pity poor Panli, man. If he had a wife like you, he’d be totally screwed.”
Panli knows Tew didn’t mean what he said. Tew was just joking to make their friends laugh before he heads back to China. But what Panli is about to say isn’t just for laughs—Panli means every word. “Screwed how, Toh? Watch your mouth, asshole. I’m such a great friend. If I were a wife, I’d be an amazing one.”
“If Klaijai isn’t my wife… I’m not marrying anyone, period.”
“Whoa!”
All thirty of Panli’s close friends, who Panli never thought could get along because they’re all so different, let out a collective teasing cheer.
When it comes to stuff like this… you guys sure are in sync, you bastards.
“You haven’t even confessed your love to him yet… Fat chance he’ll be your wife, Lie.”
“I already confessed.”
Boss’s eyes went wide before he slammed his fist into Tew’s arm.
“You lied to me!”
“I didn’t lie, damn it!”
“You said Lie hadn’t confessed yet! You twisting the truth, you asshole?”
Panli shook his head and said, “I’m starting to wonder if you guys came to send Tew off or to dig into my business.”
“Others might be here for Tew, but I came cause Tew said you’d spill the full story about you and that cute guy,” Toh said.
“Toh!! You jerk! How could you say that? If Li beats my face in, you’re taking the blame!”
“Tew’s been using Lie’s drama to lure people to this party, huh?”
Hearing Toh say that and seeing Tew’s flustered reaction, all Panli could say was, “What a bunch of shitty friends.”
“Haha!”
“You told me you hadn’t confessed yet! So why’d you do it? The vibe swept you away, like I said, right?”
“I’m not the type to get swept up in the moment like you, Tew.”
“Li’s saying he’s not the same kind of guy as you, Tew.”
“No need to rub it in, asshole.”
“Shut up, all of you… Li, you ready to tell us everything or what?”
Several pairs of eyes turned to Panli after Mak, one of the quieter guys in their group, spoke up. It wasn’t surprising that Panli’s love story this time piqued his friends’ interest. They knew Panli hadn’t been serious about anyone in a while, and the fact that this person was a guy made them even more curious about how this romance came to be.
And how Klaijai made Panli fall in love.
Without caring that Klaijai is a guy, just like Panli.
Panli nodded in acknowledgment before saying, “You guys are so invested in this… ready or not, I guess I have to be ready.”
“Haha!”
“Then start with the confession story… let’s wrap it up neatly.”
“Nice, nice!”
“The confession story… honestly, it’s pretty much like what Tew already told you guys.”
“…”
“The reason I said I couldn’t confess back then… was because I felt it wasn’t the right time.”
“…”
“We weren’t alone there—just the two of us. There were a bunch of seniors with us.”
“…”
“But if you ask whether I could’ve confessed with so many people around? Honestly, yeah, I could’ve. But I had more to say to Klaijai than just ‘I like you’ or ‘I love you.’”
“…”
“There were a lot of things I needed time to talk to Klaijai about… So I thought, if I was going to confess for real, I had to pick the right time and place.”
“…”
“Not just any moment or any place.”
“…”
“But the reason I ended up confessing to KhunKlai was because…” Panli paused, holding back a smile. The image of Klaijai’s face and the sound of his voice, so charming it could melt anyone, flashed in Panli’s mind, making him grin. “…Klaijai confessed to me first.”
“Damn, that’s so cute!” Toe exclaimed, covering his face with both hands like a shy schoolgirl too embarrassed to meet a guy’s gaze.
“Too much, Toh, you idiot! KhunKlai confessed to Li, not you!”
“Haha!”
“Can you guys not interrupt? I’m trying to listen to Li here…” Mak shot a glare at the two of them before turning back to Panli. “Go on, keep talking.”
Panli nodded before saying, “Honestly, I was planning to confess his love to KhunKlai soon… I had it all prepared, but Panli didn’t expect this trip to make KhunKlai so bold that he confessed to Panli first.”
“…”
“Everything went off Panli’s plan… but the outcome was just as Panli had hoped.”
“…”
Panli gave a small smile before saying, “…that we both feel the same way.”
“…”
“Even though we’re not officially together yet… because Klaijai asked for some time to get to know each other better, no matter how long it takes…” Panli let out an unrestrained smile before continuing, “I’m confident that KhunKlai won’t leave me, and he’ll definitely upgrade me to boyfriend status.”
“Now I get how Toh felt… freaking embarrassed.”
“See, jerk? And you said I was being too much?”
“And the stuff you said you wanted to talk to him about. Have you already told him everything?”
“Not yet… I am planning to talk to Klaijai about these things next week. I was going to do it this week, but I saw how busy KhunKlai is with studying and organizing the open house. I is just as busy himself, so I wants to wait until this period passes… then talk to KhunKlai when it’s just the two of them.”
“And if you get some alone time with him this week… would you bring up these things?”
“I would have to see… I’m not stalling or anything, but Klaijai’s really serious about his studies and work. I just want him to focus on his responsibilities first… I don’t want anything to distract him.”
“You’re not usually a patient guy. You’re impulsive, think fast, act fast… so this must be really important for you to wait for the right moment, to be truly ready before you talk about it.”
“Important… because this is purely about feelings.”
“And are you going to share this important stuff with us?”
“I will… the first thing is already settled, and this is the second thing
I’ll tell you guys about. So you’ll understand why I fell so hard for Klaijai.”
“…”
Right now, everyone’s quiet, staring at Panli with wide eyes. If Panli were an Olympic athlete, he’d probably feel the pressure. But Panli is just Panli, just Li, and the moon to someone special. So Panli doesn’t feel any pressure sharing his story with everyone… about how they got to this point.
The two of them had to rely on… Coincidence, and time.
Memories and feelings
Woven together, they form a relationship
And from here, every emotion is threaded into “love.”
“The story of me and KhunKlai sounds impossible, but I am grateful every day that everything led me to meet Klaijai…”
Panli fell silent, a faint smile on his face as he looked at his friends, who were listening attentively. Then, Panli gathered his thoughts, reflecting on the past. Panli carefully pieced together the stories and events, ready to share them through his perspective and memories…
“Li, have you gone to see your photo at the exhibition yet? I heard
Phii Ball say tons of girls went to check out ‘Lost in the Moon’s
Shadow.’”
“Not yet, man… I have been too busy.”
“No idea when the third-years are taking the photos down. You better hurry.”
“Yeah…”
“I’m outta here, got a date with a girl.”
Panli smirked and nodded at his classmate, someone he’d worked with a few times. “Drive safe, dude.”
“Got it.”
Panli stood up from the chair after his friend left the classroom. Panli’s black phone, buzzing with messages from several campus beauties, made him sigh. Panli slipped it into his back pocket. Boss, Panli’s close friend from another faculty, had gotten drunk and shared Panli’s LINE ID in a drinking circle with a bunch of girls. That’s why so many were messaging Panli, making him want to delete his LINE account altogether.
Today, Panli came to class alone since his close friends were all conveniently “sick.” Panli could believe Chubby Cheeks was actually ill, but Joy and Type were probably “sick” with political fever. Still, Panli wasn’t mad even if they were lying. Panli had skipped class plenty of times and had them take notes for him. This time, Panli was just returning the favor.
Panli grabbed his silver pen and tucked it into his shirt pocket, then rolled up the paper with the assignment details he’d jotted down. Once everything was packed, Panli strode out of the classroom.
Panli’s original plan after class was to head to Nay’s condo since there was a live football match tonight. Nay said a bunch of friends were watching at his place. Watching alone at home wouldn’t be fun, and dragging Panli’s nanny—who loves evening soaps—to watch football would just be torture for her.
But something Panli’s not-so-close classmate said changed his plans. Instead of heading out, Panli stepped out of the elevator and made a beeline for the exhibition hall. Ever since Panli submitted his photo for the joint photography exhibition between the Faculty of Communication Arts and Digital Media, Panli hadn’t once gone to see his own work.
“Phii Ball said tons of girls went to check out ‘Lost in the Moon’s
Shadow.’”
The swarm of girls wasn’t why Panli decided to check out his photo. Only one woman made Panli choose to see his work—someone Panli hadn’t even planned to visit because Panli wanted to avoid the girls who’d ask him to explain the photo’s meaning, only to follow up by asking for Panli’s LINE ID to “learn photography.” Panli could predict how those interactions would go and was fed up with them. That’s why he had avoided seeing his own work altogether.
The woman who made him want to come see the photo “Lost in the Moon’s Shadow” and take a picture to send to her is “Mama,” the one who gave him my real name, “Sasin,” which means “moon.” She’s the one who inspired him to drive to the sea to capture a photo that fit the concept, with his essence in it. She’s also the one who helped him name this photo “Lost in the Moon’s Shadow.”
Mama told me that “Lost in the Moon’s Shadow” means, “Sometimes, the moon’s reflection might make it seem like there’s another moon on Earth, but in truth, there’s only one moon. And no matter how many people mistakenly think the reflection is another moon, nothing can change the fact that there’s only one.”
It’s kind of like…
Sometimes, something or someone might make us lose sight of who we are along the way.
But in the end, nothing and no one can change our true self.
At this late hour, Panli figured no one would come to see the photos in the exhibition anymore, as the university staff would soon come to lock the doors. And Panli was right—while he walked inside, Panli didn’t see or hear anyone.
But then, a guy who Panli guessed was an aviation business student, judging by his distinctive navy suit, made Panli pause his steps. Panli stopped a fair distance away from him. Even from that distance, Panli could clearly see the side of his face. The guy was smiling gently as he looked at “Lost in the Moon’s Shadow.” This small-framed guy gave Panli’s photo a thumb-up, as if to say, “Great job,” the way Panli’s dad used to praise him when he was a kid for swallowing bitter medicine without fussing.
Panli furrowed his brow, lost in thought as he secretly watched the guy, before realizing he was Phii Dom’s cousin, in the same year as Panli. Phii Fah had pointed him out to Panli a few weeks ago. Panli isn’t sure if it was because the guy gave a thumbs-up to “Lost in the Moon’s Shadow” or because he’s a relative of Panli’s close senior that made Panli want to go introduce himself. Whatever the reason, it made Panli start walking again.
Buzz—
But a vibrating notification stopped Panli in his tracks. When Panli pulled out his phone, he saw it was an important call he couldn’t ignore. Panli glanced at the name “Mom” on the glass screen, then back at the sweet-faced guy who wouldn’t take his eyes off Panli’s photo. Panli decided to step outside to take the call. He walked out to the area near the bathroom before answering Mama’s call.
“Yes, Mama?”
[“Sweetie, when are you going to take a picture for me to see?”]
“I was just about to take one for you, but you called first.”
[“Oh, did I interrupt you?”]
“…”
[“I’m sorry, sweetie.”]
“It’s okay, Mama.”
[“Once you’re done, send it to me, okay? I’ve already seen the full photo files, but I still want to see how it looks displayed at the exhibition.”]
“Alright, Ma, I’ll send you the photos once I’m done shooting.”
[Okay, son. I miss you.]
“I miss you too, Ma.”
As soon as Panli hung up with Mom, he hurried back to the exhibition room, hoping that the guy was still there, admiring Panli’s photos. But the wide room, now filled only with lifeless photographs, made Panli slow his steps and let out a soft sigh.
It’s rare to meet someone Panli really wants to get to know.
Not exactly regret… But honestly?
Yeah, Panli does regret not getting to talk to him.
Panli quickly snapped some photos and sent them to his Mom before leaving the room, hoping he’d get the chance to meet the guy someday…
A white cigarette touched Panli’s lips as he thought back to that day he first saw the guy. Even though days had passed and Panli hadn’t seen him again, Panli couldn’t shake the urge to get to know him.
After that day, Panli secretly lingered at the exhibition room several times, thinking the guy might come back to look at his photos again. But Panli forgot that kind of thing only happens in novels. In reality… the guy never returned to see his work.
Panli thought about asking Phii Dom what his younger brother’s name was, and Panli even wanted to be upfront and say, Panli really wants to get to know him. But those thoughts were folded away and locked tight in a drawer because Panli figured Phii Dom might get suspicious of him.
Phii Dom’s younger brother isn’t just a little cute.
Even though Phii Dom knows Panli isn’t the playboy people make him out to be, trust Panli—nine times out of ten, Phii Dom would still be wary.
If Panli said, “I just want to get to know him, not hit on him,” a ton of questions would probably pop into Phii Dom’s head. And if he added, “Don’t worry, I won’t break your brother’s heart,” it’d make things even worse. That’d sound like Panli was seriously pursuing Phii Dom’s brother.
When in reality, Panli just wants to get to know him, that’s all. Getting to know him isn’t easy, and dealing with these feelings is insanely
tough…
This urge to know him is driving Panli crazy.
Panli often stands smoking at the parking lot in front of Building 11, always keeping an eye out for the guy, hoping he might pass by. But
Panli has never seen him walk through here…
Until…
[Yo, Li, you coming to Klai’s birthday?]
“…”
[Klai is Phii Dom’s younger brother.]
Wait… is that him?
“…”
The name’s ‘Klai,’ huh?
[What’s with that dog face, Li?]
Panli doesn’t really know the birthday guy.
No big deal, you can get to know him at the party. Klai goes to the same uni as us, you know.
It’s really that guy.
“…”
[Panli didn’t just randomly invite you, you know. Phii Dom told me to call and invite you too.]
“…”
[Phii Fah’s going to Klai’s birthday party too…]
“Alright… then I’ll go.”
[Okay, cool… I’ll send you the restaurant’s location via LINE. It’s a Korean BBQ place near Siam.]
“Got it.”
After hanging up with Panli’s close friend who called to invite him to that guy’s birthday party—aka “KhunKlai”—Panli immediately stubbed out the cigarette, barely half-smoked, into the soil of a dwarf bonsai pot. Panli hurried upstairs to shower and get ready.
As Panli pulled on his clothes, he reflected on his feelings. Panli was excited to meet Klai. He was thrilled at the thought of getting to know him. Panli imagined what Klai’s voice might sound like—soft or loud? Would Klai smile at him? And what kind of gift should he get him?
Panli hadn’t felt like this in a long time.
But Panli clearly remembers that those feelings back then… they don’t even compare to what he is feeling now.
And that’s why he is starting to feel scared… scared that he might accidentally fall in love with Klai someday. It’s not because Klai is a guy that he is afraid of falling for him. Panli doesn’t care about the gender of the person he falls for. But when he falls in love with someone, he can never hold back. Panli goes all in, pouring everything he has into it. And when it all comes crashing down, when he realizes it’s over—whether because of misunderstandings or whatever reason—
Panli is left like a dog hit by a car…
It hurts like hell… and he can barely pick himself back up.
Buzz~
The former dog-hit-by-a-car version of Panli glanced at the phone screen before quickly grabbing it to answer.
“Hey, Dad.”
[Panli, could you help design the pattern for the hotel staff’s uniforms?]
“Sure, I can do that.”
[I’ll send you a brief later about the kind of design we’re looking for.]
“Okay, send it to your email, Pa.”
[Alright, alright.]
Panli paused for a moment before deciding to speak up. “Pa…”
[What’s up? I noticed you got all quiet, like you’re deep in thought. I’m guessing there’s something you want to talk about, right?]
“Ma really knows Phii Fah best.”
[But I know you best, don’t I?]
“Yeah…” Panli said with a laugh, then spoke more seriously. “Pa, how many times does a dog have to get hit by a car to die?”
[What kind of question is that, Panli?]
“If you really know Panli, you’d understand this question.”
[Sigh… being a parent is tough, isn’t it?]
Panli chuckled softly, waiting for Pa’s response.
[I got an answer…]
“…”
[If it’s a real dog, I’d say one hard hit from a car would be enough to kill it.]
“…”
[But if you’re comparing someone to a loyal, devoted dog who gives all their love to one person… I think unless that dog is hurt by its owner’s own hands, nothing else could truly harm it.]
“…”
[What do you think, Pan?]
Pa’s answer made something well up in Panli’s throat. Panli’s past experiences with love… Panli was always the one getting dumped. The problem was usually that the other person didn’t trust Panli, even though Panli tried to show his sincerity in every way, adjusted himself, and did everything he could to make those relationships work. But in the end, Panli was left with nothing but heartbreak… not even his own sense of self remained.
So Panli hasn’t taken love seriously for a while now…
“Pa…”
[“Yes, Panli?”]
“I haven’t really talked to him seriously yet. Just saw him come to look at my photo… but I feel a strong connection with him.”
[…]
“…So much that sometimes Panli is scared he might fall in love again.”
[“Listen to me, Pan…”]
“…”
[“Pan, you’ve been heartbroken like a dog a hundred times with the wrong people… and you might get heartbroken for the hundredand-first time with another wrong one. You’ll never know how many more hundreds of heartbreaks it’ll take to find the right person for you.”]
“…”
[“I want you to understand… no matter which love it is, we can’t escape heartbreak.”]
“You’re right… because even if Panli lets himself fall for him, he might not like me back, since we’re both guys.”
[…]
“Was you shocked that I might be falling for a guy?”
[“Not shocked at all… because I have always understood that love can happen in any way.”]
“…”
[“Love whoever you want, Pan. Just make sure you love wisely.”]
“…”
[“All clear, all problems sorted, right, Pan?”]
Panli gave a small smile before saying, “Yes, thank you, Pa.”
[“From now on… if you really start to like him, I suggest you go for it, Phan.”]
“Yes, Pa.”
After hanging up with Pa, Panli realized… if we stop holding onto fear and try to face it to understand where it comes from, in the end, it’s just a word— “fear.” It has no power over the heart.
Now, Panli isn’t afraid of falling in love or anything else. Panli just thinks… he might talk to Klai for an hour and realize he doesn’t feel anything more than friendship. Or maybe he will fall for Klai the moment their eyes meet.
But whatever happens…
Panli is ready for heartbreak number 101.
Panli is ready to get hurt for the 102nd time.
And Panli is ready to get hurt however many times it takes… to meet the right person.
Leave a Reply