SMNTCERR, Chapter 70, Yellow #12.
A heart that turns into ice when surrounded by people who don’t like to melt it. Sangwoo has a talent for shaking people’s hearts unintentionally, and sometimes that may be the reason why Jaeyoung has come to this point.
[Are you listening?]
“Oh.”
If his grandfather knew dating a man how he would react, Jaeyoung wondered, maybe he would throw a cigarette in his mouth at him or be locked up in a psychiatric hospital, or maybe he would just laugh loudly and say it was just for fun and it was over. Then he would say to keep the line.
The line… of that man.
[I’m sorry for calling during a busy time.]
The other side apologized easily even though he didn’t do anything wrong. He wondered if the person at the end of the line was the same person he used to face without feeling shocked because he didn’t want to show the “sadness” that might be real at the internet cafe.
“No, it’s not a bother.”
[…]
“…”
[After talking on the phone yesterday, I thought…] Sangwoo paused for a moment and continued. [Your voice sounded sad. So I just wanted to say don’t be too sad.
That’s my reason.]
Or the other person might think he was sad because he came to a funeral? Well, anyway, the other person’s thoughts had only one dimension to be completely wrong, but Chu Sangwoo’s concern was very valuable. Jaeyoung felt the corner of his mouth curling up as he answered.
“I have something to worry about, but it happens often… it’s okay.”
[Did someone play a prank on you?]
“Yeah.”
[Who was it?]
“If you know, what will you do?”
His smile became more apparent. He had only been out of Seoul for 2 days, but Jaeyoung missed Sangwoo so much.
[I understand. I said too much. That’s all.]
“Wait.”
Jaeyoung held the phone with both hands and pressed it closer to his ear.
“Let me hear your voice a little more.”
He needed to be strong to endure another day without Sangwoo. Jaeyoung hurriedly raised the volume, afraid of missing even the faint murmurs of the other person. Then he heard the sound of soft breathing.
“I said I wanted to hear you speak, why are you so quiet?”
[I have nothing to say.]
“Anything is fine, just speak your mind.”
Sangwoo remained silent for a moment. Then, what he said made Jaeyoung forget how to breathe.
[Jang Jaeyoung.]
He was so happy that he was lost in hearing his name called with the sound of the end of the line.
[The office is very quiet now that you are gone. Time seems to pass slowly.]
“…”
[Miss you.]
The murmuring sound faded away as if it had passed by unnoticed. He wondered if he had misheard it. When he tried to ask again, the other person spoke quickly.
[I spoke without thinking. That’s all.]
Then the line was cut immediately. Jaeyoung stood still, staring at the black screen for a moment. Just one phone call made him breathe like a longdistance runner, feeling restless and his heart aching, a feeling that was hot and turbulent like an emotional storm, above all else, it was intense. Jaeyoung leaned his back and head against the wall, holding the phone tightly in his hand, and from where he stood on the lower stairs, it seemed that the other party might have taken another step up.
‘I wanted to have enough fun and end things, but that seems to be becoming even more impossible.’
When is it enough? He had been pondering about this for a while now. Everything was confusing, the line that should not be crossed? He didn’t know where that line was, maybe he had already crossed it. Jaeyoung was overwhelmed, Chu Sangwoo’s explosive outburst destroyed even Jaeyoung’s weakness and coolness, so in Jaeyoung’s mind, everything became clear. Previously, Jaeyoung was not born with a habit of thinking and paying attention to every detail.
He hurriedly walked. As he turned the corner, he almost collided with Jaehong, but he didn’t care about the other party and hurriedly aimed his feet towards the hotel entrance.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Jaehong’s voice was full of laughter. When he turned to look, he saw a face with a deep smile. Jaeyoung walked faster with Jaehong following at the same speed.
“Your baby voice is so low. It’s like a boy that it actually surprised me. Or… not just like, but was that really a man?”
“Shut up.”
“Are you dating a guy?”
He looked at the other person who was talking loudly and walked away without paying attention to any questions, regardless of how long they had been together, how old the other person was, or what they looked like.
“I can’t believe that there will be a day when we have the same interests, JangJaeyoung. It’s not like grandfather gave you permission and you started dating.”
“What do you want to say?”
“I know your weakness, don’t I?”
“Do you want to announce it? Go ahead.”
He stepped forward and stood in front of the elevator, pressing the button without hesitation or hesitation, his fingers eagerly pressing the button that was already lit up two or three times.
“So… where are you going?”
“Seoul.”
Jaeyoung answered briefly before stepping into the elevator that had just arrived and pressing the floor number. Jaehong followed him in and asked with a worried expression. “Are you serious?”
“Uh.”
“No, I mean that guy. Are you serious about him?”
Seriously? What is that supposed to mean? Although he has had many experiences in love, Jaeyoung thinks he doesn’t know the answer. His current condition is simpler than ever. The only reason he went to pack his things and get in the car and drive like he is chased by aliens was because Sangwoo said he missed him. He didn’t mention Sangwoo’s intense desire or his need for Jaeyoung’s body, that’s all.
“But isn’t tomorrow the funeral?”
It is clear that something will happen if he disappears without saying anything. Although Jaeyoung has been living with the ‘line’ to prevent annoying things, he no longer cares about Indra and Brahma’s faces…
Jaeyoung got off the elevator on the 8th floor and spoke to Jaehong.
“Can you help me with something?”
“What?”
“I’ve been keeping your secrets until now.”
“So what?”
“So you should help me once, tell them that I have urgent work and I have to go back soon.”
“Do you think it will work? Just wait another day and then go, right?”
“It won’t work.”
Chu Sangwoo said he missed him. Not complaining about him working or saying he wants to sleep with him, but saying he misses him.
Jaehong frowned and spoke, “I’m not sure if this will go smoothly. Besides, grandfather won’t listen to me…”
“So you can’t help.”
Jaeyoung swiped his keycard to enter the room, kicked his travel bag causing it to fall and scattered clothes all over the room, then Jaehong stood hugging his chest and sighed.
“I understand. Just calm down.”
Jaeyoung ignored the other party and continued packing his bag.
Standing there hugging his chest and pouting, suddenly Jaehong came and sat in front of the travel bag, rummaged through the messy clothes and picked out the suit and shirt that Jaeyoung had brought. When he realized the purpose of the person in front of him, Jaeyoung slowly stopped his actions, and Jaehong took off his suit to try it on.
“It’s not my style, but I can’t help it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Who could ever imagine?”
He remembered when they were kids, when Jaehong was sick and had to miss school. Then he pretended to be the other party until the teacher turned around. He didn’t think Jaehong would be a good actor, but no one knew that the other party came here, just fooling his grandfather would be enough. “Hey,
Jaehong.”
When he called him, the other party remained silent and licked his lips.
“If you want to thank me, you don’t have to, because I won’t help you for free next time.”
“Tell me.”
“Give me the shoes and perfume. Your grandfather is sensitive.”
Jaeyoung changed shoes with the other party, threw the perfume bottle before locking his travel bag. Then he left the hotel without looking back.
He stepped on the accelerator to go faster, maybe there would be several tickets for speeding, but now Jaeyoung was unconscious and didn’t have time to care about that, he didn’t even stop to rest once, the car ran until he arrived in Seoul in less than three hours.
When he got out of the car in front of Sangwoo’s apartment building, he felt tense before entering. He stopped and examined himself from the reflection on the glass door. He was wearing a black suit and Oxford Brogues shoes, in Jaehong’s style, which Sangwoo might like, but he had been working all day, and maybe he smelled of sweat.
Jaeyoung stood in front of the apartment building, not rushing to go inside immediately. Earlier, he had thought of going in the opposite direction to the office without caring about how the other person would react, even though he had been rejected repeatedly. He had only made it into a joke, but today was the only day he didn’t feel that way. He had traveled this far just because of the words “miss you,” and sometimes he might be weak, might have misheard something, or might not accept it because he was tired. The anxiety he had never felt before had surfaced at the bottom of his heart, and it seemed that he might lose his confidence because he was in a vulnerable state.
‘Or maybe I should just go back.’
In his heart, he thought about smoking, but then he thought that the other person, who didn’t like the smell of smoke, might have just taken a clean shower and put on clean pajamas, and might not like it. He quickly gave up his intention, raised his head, and looked at the tightly closed window. He didn’t worry about anything and was in a stable state, which was different from himself.
Jaeyoung unlocked his phone to check the messages he hadn’t read while driving, but they were all messages he didn’t want at the moment. At that moment, there was a new message.
[Baby: I’ve been thinking. We might have to accept the unlimited mode, ladder, ranking, and special quests, because the store takes two weeks to consider. So we have to start the beta test on the 3rd as scheduled. _23:04.]
[Baby: I know you’re busy. You don’t have to reply. Just know it.
_23:04.]
He read it a few times and thought about the message that seemed to be work-related, but then another message came in.
[Bebe: And sweet dreams. Getting enough sleep can help relieve the stress you’ve been under during the day. _23:07.]
“Playing with my heart.”
He didn’t know why, but suddenly tears welled up in his eyes. Jaeyoung put his phone in his bag and opened the glass door, running up the stairs two steps at a time until he reached the fourth floor. Then he stood in front of the door, adjusting his breathing, and remembered that he had once slammed the door hard, making a loud noise. He slowly raised his hand and knocked on the door three times with his fingertips.
He didn’t know how long he had been standing there waiting before the door opened and a bright light shone on the dark staircase. When he blinked and opened his eyes again, he saw the other person standing in front of him in pajamas, both shirt and pants, with wide eyes and an open mouth, looking surprised.
“Why…”
Jaeyoung slowly walked into the room and closed the door. Sangwoo stood a distance away, looking somewhat aloof, as they both stood there gazing into each other’s eyes for a moment.
‘You know, I really like you a lot.’
Just by looking at the other person’s face, he could tell. At that moment, he understood the anxiety that said that desires would only become more and more intense if they hit the ceiling and should come down instead. If it goes to the extreme, it should be cooled down. But why does it get more and more intense the longer the days go by? Jaeyoung thought about taking off his expensive shoes, but was indifferent, and took two steps towards Sangwoo. Sangwoo widened his eyes and looked at Jaeyoung without avoiding his gaze, even though his cheeks turned red.
“I didn’t know if you would come.”
“And don’t you want me to come?”
The gaze with black eyes replied that it wasn’t that.
Jaeyoung hugged Sangwoo’s neck and leaned towards himself. As soon as he lowered his chin onto his shoulder and dropped his weight, the negative feeling that had been swirling in his heart before slowly flowed out to the tips of his fingers. He closed his eyes automatically and took a long breath out through the corner of his mouth.
Anxiety is not his hobby, why waste the time that should be happy to worry? But the more he knows the other person, the more intense the infatuation becomes, the more the anxiety increases, it’s really annoying.
“Feels good.”
No. Jaeyoung always feels good when he meets Sangwoo, he has never been like this before. He has never been so deeply immersed that he cannot control himself, he rubbed his face against the nape of the other person’s neck before feeling the two arms that tightly held his back, and the embrace of Sangwoo that he used to think was warm and large.
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