SMNTCERR, Chapter 42: Magenta #1.

   Jaeyoung washed his face clean and looked up. In the mirror, there was a man with drops of water running down his face, gazing back with a complex expression. He raised his hand to wipe away the moisture with a towel. Then, the fluctuating emotions that had persisted throughout the day subsided slightly.

   The elusive expectations, surprises, anger, embarrassment, confusion, and ultimately, the bewilderment. It’s not easy to encounter such a variety of emotions within a single day.

   “Hey… What am I doing?”

   He groaned bitterly and picked up the shopping bag containing his clothes. As he stepped out of the Faculty of Humanities, a warm breeze blew against his cheeks.

   Jaeyoung knew well that Chu Sangwoo didn’t see him as a target of love, just a side position left for the opposite party, something “normal.” While

   Jaeyoung was only the target of “abnormal sexual desires.”

   Jaeyoung thought that sometimes a relationship based solely on the physical with Chu Sangwoo might be better. Even if it felt strange, like an 18+ cartoon drawing with characters like Teletubbies, no matter what, he was easily bored with everything. After sleeping with Sangwoo once, the fun would naturally diminish, and he didn’t want to complicate things by pursuing a senseless emotional development afterwards.

   While wearing vampire costumes and carrying signs around the university, they came across a couple taking pictures together under a blooming tree.

   After that, Jaeyoung was overwhelmed with anger.

   ‘Having sex with me, but dating Ru Jihye?’

   He deceived me by calling me ‘Hyung’ and invited me to play games together. He even sat next to me in the office and made others uncomfortable. He would suddenly come close and give me a kiss, followed by a passionate kiss as if sucking souls, but he insisted that we were not dating. And in the end, he showed up at the festival with Ru Jihye?

   “Hey, do you think it’s okay to look down on me like trash?”

   The rising anger made his heart beat faster. If the act of checking off names instead of Jaeyoung was equivalent to putting a liter of garbage into the trash bag, then Chu Sangwoo was no different from a sewage treatment plant. Jaeyoung realized this and snatched the mask from his junior and chased after them, disrupting his rhythm.

   As he walked back with a wireless keyboard, Jaeyoung was confused. He couldn’t find any reason to be angry, even for a moment. If their relationship wasn’t defined as a couple, then it was just a matter of satisfying their desires. It didn’t matter if anything else was involved.

   Regardless of whether Chu Sangwoo had the same mentality as a garbage incinerator, he had to let it go. With that thought in mind, he returned and thought, “Let it go.”

   However, tonight… there will be sex, satisfying desires, and it is over.

   There was sex, satisfying desires, and it was over.

   He repeated those words in his head, but the moment Sangwoo entered the tent, that thought collapsed. He intentionally created an empty seat for the other person to sit in, so that he wouldn’t go to sit with someone else, the work he planned to do only during the restaurant’s opening, he stayed until it was finished, and it became like that.

   The young man sitting opposite him at the table under the dim light looked suitable, a gentle man with a hidden cuteness, and a passionate and charming woman with flickering eyes and softness. Although it was clear that Sangwoo didn’t care about Ru Jihye even a bit, he still couldn’t help but feel unsettled.

   ‘The complex biological mechanism of humans has evolved into a form of sexual attraction to produce the next generation, though I think it’s an inefficient method, it is true that the human race survives and reproduces through mating and the intricate process of pregnancy.’

   It’s possible that if I hadn’t intervened, Chu Sangwoo would have had relationships and love with the opposite sex. That very thought was the cause of his frustration.

   Ru Jihye seemed to be trying to claim victory at the end. Every time we met, she would dress up and wear beautiful outfits. Today, she appeared in a green pea costume with a waistband, wearing Enamel sandals [1] and a hair accessory decorated with pearls.

   ‘What do you think of yourself as Dorothy, being dressed like that, going here and there?’

   Even though he felt it was excessive, the young woman looked cute and fresh. Jaeyoung didn’t like how Sangwoo looked at the other party, so he…

   ‘Seohyun, we haven’t taken the menu to table three yet.’

   ‘Ah! I’ll bring it right now!’

   ‘Hyung-jin, the kids at table three look bored.’

   ‘We can’t let that go on! I’ll go right now.’

   ‘Jin, send the service to table three.’

   ‘Yes! I’ll go right away.’

   ‘Seohyun, table three…’

   ‘Yes, I’ll go right now!’ ‘Hyung-jin.’

   ‘Yes. I’ll go right now!’

   Recently, without saying a word, the siblings took the trays and served themselves to Galbi and Soju. They really acted like horses with blinders on because of the wax.

   Jaeyoung returned to pick up the belongings at the tent. Then, he took a few pictures together, said goodbye to the siblings, and went to the car.

   ‘What a waste it is to be like this.’

   Jaeyoung stood in front of the parking lot and smoked three cigarettes in a row.

   What exactly is Chu Sangwoo? He follows one man to tease him, copies his own notebook to gain favor, becomes a slave working day and night, secretly stalks like a stalker, participates in game activities that he himself is not interested in.

   ‘I fucking hate everything red. I’ve thrown away red shirts, red jackets, red beanies, and red underwear. Damn it since the first day I wore those my life has been wrecked.’

   Is it regrettable? It’s regrettable that Chu Sangwoo didn’t know his name and didn’t acknowledge his existence at that time. After about a year, it’s regrettable that the other party still doesn’t know how cool he is, and now it’s regrettable that the other party doesn’t see him as a target of love.

   He tasted the bitterness of the cigarette. As he looked up at the black sky, he automatically exhaled. They hadn’t slept together. Why would he hold on to something like that, wasting energy for what? No matter how much he tries to seduce himself, there are no answers.

   Jaeyoung threw away the half-smoked cigarette, opened the car door, and got in. Then, he was violently shaken.

   “…”

   Sangwoo was lying in a deep sleep, leaning against the car door, so Jaeyoung’s long, slender white neck, which was his weak point, was clearly visible. ‘Actually, even if it weren’t like this, the situation would still be intense.’ Jaeyoung tensed up, held his breath. In his head, thoughts brewed that if he were caught, Sangwoo would accuse him, but then he closed his eyes and remained still. Then he adjusted his breathing to normal. No matter how quickly he woke up, he wasn’t a despicable person who would take advantage of a sleeping child.

   ‘Stay calm, calm-calm.’

   When he raised his gaze again, his heart calmed down slightly. Jaeyoung took a deep breath. Then he looked at Sangwoo again before extending his hand out in that provocative manner.

   ‘Just adjusting the buckle, nothing else.’ He had no other intentions, really.

   He moved closer to Sangwoo, stretching his arm out to grab the safety buckle. Then he leaned down and pulled the buckle to fasten it. Sangwoo’s hand rested next to the red button, with short, clean nails as if they were just cut yesterday, and visible knuckles.

   Tense.

   Jaeyoung inserted a lock plate into the safety buckle before lifting his upper body and intentionally turning his face towards the man. His face was about ten centimeters away from those slightly parted lips. He didn’t know when the smell of alcohol had started affecting his mood like this, making Jaeyoung dizzy. The young man licked his white throat with his eyes and slowly pulled his body back to his own place. While fastening the safety buckle, the force of his twist was sucked out completely.

   Jaeyoung took a deep breath and started the car. Once he was settled in his seat, he didn’t know the meaning of serenity anymore. He wondered if something was attached to his ankle or not, as everything around him felt like it was in a state of constant agitation. It made him feel like he was back in his high school years when he first opened his eyes to sexual matters. Everything on this planet seemed to be viewed as male and female parts, making him feel erect solid all the time.

   Jaeyoung stepped on the gas pedal without glancing around. He didn’t know what would happen, so he drove to Mr-Sangwoo’s house nearby first. The front apartment had no parking spots, so he parked randomly. Then he turned off the engine.

   “Chu Sangwoo, wake up.”

   ‘It’s time for us to do something. You stubborn kid.’

   Jaeyoung kept the sentence in his mind. After sitting quietly for a while and feeling a bit calm, he calmly unfastened his own safety buckle, took a deep breath, and turned sideways.

   “…”

   That drunkenness is becoming a problem again. Jaeyoung pinched and shook Sangwoo’s shoulder, but the other side didn’t wake up.

   “I’ll unfasten… the buckle for you.”

   After whispering to Sangwoo for a while with a sense of guilt, Jaeyoung supported him with his right arm. Then he stretched out his left hand to hold the door handle before leaning forward without necessity until his nose was close to Sangwoo’s cheek.

   The other side’s skin reflected the moonlight in the midst of darkness, appearing pale. Everything was black or white like in a black-and-white film, with the desire to see Sangwoo’s face. So, Jaeyoung took off the other party’s hat and threw it on the backseat.

   The high-contrast image content made Jaeyoung’s heart beat faster, including his nose and eyelashes, the shadow figure created by the edge of his lips, the black patterns on his cheeks caused by smudges on the glass. Every component made Sangwoo the protagonist, his sleeping face seemingly innocent, but when he woke up it looked so worn out that he had to lick his lips, feeling sinful at the same time.

   ‘What should I do with this kid?’

   It’s a perplexing desire because the other party, unlike anyone Jaeyoung has ever been interested in, lacks any distinguishing features. This man in front of him was quiet, inflexible, and not versatile. Sangwoo may be an expert in some things, but he’s foolish when it comes to relationships.

   Jaeyoung, who has had his fair share of relationships, shouldn’t pursue someone who doesn’t like him. There are plenty of people in this world, and he doesn’t think he needs to exhaust himself seeking someone during their highs and lows, except for Chu Sangwoo. He doesn’t know why he acts so cool and indifferent, unable to hold on.

   At that moment, Sangwoo raised his eyes and blinked slowly before opening them wide like a 500-won coin [3].

   “No, I can’t do anything.”

   Jaeyoung hurriedly spoke as if he were about to kiss. The other party shouldn’t believe him at this point. Sangwoo’s chest moved up and down. Jaeyoung raised his hand to show that he didn’t have a weapon like a robber caught during a bank heist.

   “It’s a misunderstanding. Sorry, wait.”

   Then, Jaeyoung slowly lowered his right hand.

   “Okay, look, I’ll just do it differently.”

   When Jaeyoung pressed the red button, the safety buckle attached to Sangwoo’s chest loosened and was quickly sucked back up. Sangwoo lowered his eyelids and took a long breath. In this situation, Jaeyoung should retreat to his own place, but he can’t move.

   “I… have something… to say.”

   Jaeyoung felt the air in the car grow hot like a sauna. No, it’s not just a feeling. Condensation covered the windows completely, and the breaths were heavy and hot.

   “What I want to say is… Ah, damn…”

   “When you drink alcohol, you like swearing, don’t you?”

   This is the second time Jaeyoung has heard the other party speak vulgarly.

   Sangwoo made a muffled sound, raising his hand to cover his face, then sat in that position for a moment. Shortly after, he opened his eyes again, and those tired eyes looked exhausted.

   “What I want to say is… Ah… fuck, I’m going crazy.”

   “You’re really annoying, you little brat.”

   Just now, he thought the other party seemed indifferent, but now even breathing feels like a melodramatic film. The uncertainty between R-rated and all-age ratings makes it difficult for him to focus. Jaeyoung could only swallow his saliva.

   “I… I… Me… It’s me. I studied it…”

   I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to listen to what you were saying. Jaeyoung only looked at Sangwoo’s moving lips, fascinated by their provocative movements.

   “With the legal process… “blah blah blah” Pay… “blah blah blah” Download… “.

   ‘What is he saying?’

   “By force… “blah blah blah” Violence… “blah blah blah” Male victim…”

   And then the sound system went silent. There was only a moving mouth, but no sound could be heard. In that moment of intimacy, he felt like he became a deaf person. Jaeyoung lost his composure and leaned towards Sangwoo.  “Ah!”

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[1]                 Enamel shoes refer to leather shoes coated with enamel, giving them a glossy appearance, also known as “glass shoes.”

[2]                 Contrast, or the difference in comparison, refers to contrasting elements such as black and white, or light and dark.

[3]                 A 500-won coin, approximately the size of a 10 Thai baht coin.

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