SMNTCERR, Chapter 38 <110> #2.
Sangwoo remained silent until Jaeyoung finished smoking a cigarette. The other party used the heel of his shoe to extinguish the cigarette and then raised his hand to wipe his face as if washing it. Not sure if Sangwoo was looking at the time, but he felt like only a short while had passed. When the waiting time came to an end, Sangwoo locked eyes with Jaeyoung.
“Okay, it’s clear then. If you understand just that, then it can be called desire.”
Jaeyoung murmured with a cool smile, flicking his finger as a signal to come closer. The other party didn’t smile at all, which made Sangwoo feel slightly tense.
“Hurry up before I get angrier than this.”
Sangwoo slowly crawled on his knees towards the other party, while Jaeyoung only flicked his fingers with a cool gaze. Sangwoo kept moving forward until there was a distance of about one table’s width between them, then he stopped.
“What’s the matter?”
Suddenly, Jaeyoung lifted his hips and moved forward, grabbing Sangwoo’s hand from the floor and holding it firmly before he could react, causing Sangwoo to stiffen.
“I’ve got your hand now.”
The young man extended his hand and cupped Sangwoo’s cheek, slowly tracing the edge of his lips with his thumb.
“Kissed and done.”
Sangwoo felt a shiver and took a small step back, but Jaeyoung tilted his head back and wrapped his arms around him once again, the whispered words of the other party sending chills down Sangwoo’s arms.
“So now it’s just about sex, right? Isn’t that so?”
Sangwoo’s cap bumped into Jaeyoung’s forehead before falling back and following it with a loud thud. It was difficult to tell from their soft, light-colored eyes whether they were mocking, taunting, or genuinely making a heartfelt offer. Moreover, Sangwoo’s heart was pounding excessively, and his skin failed to regulate his body temperature, making it impossible for him to focus on rational thinking.
“I have two questions.”
Sangwoo struggled to gather his scattered consciousness and spoke.
Jaeyoung moved his mouth slightly, urging him to continue.
“First question, men can’t have sex together. If that’s the case, how do we satisfy our desires?…”
“It can be done.”
“Really? How?… What is it?”
“If you don’t know, then stay ignorant until I take care of it myself.”
“Why are you so confident? Have you ever tried it?”
“Yes, I have. Next question.”
Jaeyoung, who had been staring at Sangwoo almost piercingly, turned his face away. Sangwoo received no other answer besides the information that the other party had experienced on the men satisfying their desires towards each other. However, he decided to go on and explore further and moved on to the next question.
“Second question, what good can come from such an abnormal relationship?”
“Why don’t you think you would do it if you were in a fort surrounded by the enemy ?”
Jaeyoung replied softly, tightening the hands intertwined in a whisper.
“There are enemy soldiers camped outside. If we let them be like this, they will surround us, shoot arrows, cut off our water supply, and create chaos in every possible way. Well, there are two options now.” Jaeyoung’s index finger flicked up.
“I don’t care, I’ll be waiting for them to disappear on their own.”
Sangwoo remained silent, thinking that he already knew what the other party’s issue was, while Jaeyoung slowly raised his middle finger.
“Alright, if you were to go deal with those bastards, how do you prefer to handle it?”
“…”
“Originally, when there is a problem, we should approach the heart of that problem and eliminate the root cause as quickly as possible, shouldn’t we?
You seem like that kind of person.”
Sangwoo paused without saying anything, reminiscing about his experiences in graduate school. During that time, there were bees before the military problems, so he wore a chemical protection suit and caught the bees himself.
Jaeyoung tapped his finger right around his heart.
“Two, if you had to go deal with those bastards yourself. How do you prefer to handle it?”
“…”
“Initially, when there’s a problem, we should get to the heart of that problem and eliminate the root cause as quickly as possible, right? You seem like someone who would do that.”
Sangwoo remained silent, his mind drifting back to his experiences during his twenties in the army. Back then, there were bees that invaded the military camp prior to a crisis, so he wore a chemical protection suit and caught the bees himself. Jaeyoung tapped his finger around his heart area as a sign of solidarity.
“If you want your desires to calm down, there’s only one way, don’t avoid it, don’t act indifferent. Try going all the way with me, see for yourself how it feels when you fully reach it, maybe the disturbing feeling you have might disappear.”
‘It sounds motivating. Plus, we can continue with the project.’
According to Sangwoo’s principles, he should reject that he couldn’t do it, and the majority opinion on the Internet says that ‘bed-friends’, meeting to satisfy sexual desires, is an immoral form of relationship. No matter how strong the sexual desire is. As a rational human being, he should overcome it, but when he listened to Jaeyoung’s standpoint, it had an unexpected rationale.
Above all, sweat was seeping out from his hands that were holding each other, and Sangwoo wanted to maintain that state. He wanted to look, to touch, to kiss, and to do more with Jaeyoung than that. It was a desire born in his heart that seemed like it wouldn’t easily disappear just by overlooking it.
Really? If you want to deal with desires, do you have to walk into the heart of it? It’s a pity that it’s an anxiety he has never experienced before, and therefore, he doesn’t have enough cushion to make a decision.
“First, let go of me first.”
Sangwoo pushed Jaeyoung difficulty, pulling his hand away, and he stepped back, distancing himself from the other party. Although it was a tempting offer, Sangwoo wasn’t someone who made important decisions based on momentary desires. He picked up his hat, put it on, and spoke.
“I need time to consider the proposal.”
“Okay, how long will it take then?”
“Two weeks.”
“Two weeks? Do you know that I don’t have much time?”
“I know, but next week I have mid-term exams. If you check the schedule, you’ll see that I don’t have any free time for two weeks. During that time, I will consider your proposal. As for graphic work, you can follow the schedule. And compress the files for upload through FTP[1] on the 26th of April.”
“You stubborn brat.”
After finishing his words, Sangwoo stood up, his hand still held by Jaeyoung.
As he walked past Jaeyoung, the other party called out to him.
“Chu Sangwoo.”
“What’s the matter?”
“For you, is there something difficult?”
“I don’t understand what you’re saying. Let’s discuss it in the next meeting.”
“Meaningless meeting.”
As he walked to the door, Sangwoo felt adrenaline coursing through his veins. return 0;
For Sangwoo, the exam period was not much different from normal times. However, he was already reviewing the lessons every day. The exams just had a slightly increased amount of content to read. This semester, he had to try harder because initially he didn’t pay much attention to studying. But after Jaeyoung withdrew from the class in the second week, he gradually caught up with the lessons, so it wasn’t that difficult. As for the game, since there was no meeting scheduled, he had plenty of time to fully immerse himself and complete all the quests.
On Wednesday, Ru Jihye invited him to read a book together. Sangwoo thought that the subject “Contemporary Culture and Cultural Theory” was his weak point, so he agreed and hoped for help from the other party. On Saturday, he took a break from his part-time job as it was during the exam period and had a date with a girl at the coffee shop she chose. They spent valuable time exchanging explanations of theory and checking each other’s understanding, as well as supplementing the missing content.
A busy week of exams passed by. Although most of them were written exams, there were some oral exams like the Chinese language course, and some subjects assigned assignments instead of exams. None of the subjects were overly difficult. In each semester, Sangwoo never missed the top rank in his class, counting only five subjects.
“It’s still difficult, isn’t it?”
After finishing the exam for the subject “Contemporary Culture and Cultural Theory.” Jihye asked.
“Especially question 15, it requires knowing the origins of theories at the city level to answer correctly. Isn’t it too detailed, like setting up a test to answer it wrong?”
“But regarding question 22, it’s complicated.”
“Oh, really? Is it a critical commentary question using the ideas of modern postmodernism[2] with the concept of Adorno[3]? When we checked it before, you knew about these two perspectives, so why is it difficult?”
They discussed the exam in detail and went to have lunch at the cafeteria.
Jihye had high expectations for the exam results as she was a dedicated student. “From what I’ve heard, it seems like you can handle it better than me. If we remove question 22, which might cost some points, you won’t make any mistakes, right?”
“Well, maybe.”
“What if, I’ve explained everything to you, and you’ve done well on your own so far. Isn’t it too much now?”
“But if I deliberately answer incorrectly, you won’t be able to help me again, will you?”
Jihye pursed her lips, indicating that she didn’t understand the feelings of the other party who was sad but willing to help someone who understood the lessons less than herself. Sangwoo made a big decision to speak kindly to her because he understood deeply what someone once said, that humans are emotional beings.
“In the past, I was good at memorizing, but I didn’t grasp this subject well.
You’ve been able to explain it better.”
“Are you saying this seriously? Really?”
‘So, you want to hear some kind words twice.’
Sangwoo ignored the other party and continued eating. After finishing their meal, they stopped by a convenience store to buy coffee. Jihye followed him closely and grabbed a coffee can, then said:
“Oppa, let me help you study and I’ll even buy you coffee. Can you also listen to my request a little?”
“Is this some kind of trap?”
“Yes, you’ve indebted to me. Please listen to my request.”
Jihye sweetly smiled, looking a bit scary, and Sangwoo tried to guess what the other party would ask for. But all he could think of were requests like treating her to a meal or helping her carry something. It didn’t matter how much she asked for those kinds of matters.
“Alright, try telling me first.”
“During the festival, what will you be doing?”
When he heard unexpected words above his expectations, Sangwoo frowned slightly. He didn’t feel good about festivals. He had never participated in any festival activities, and usually, the university would have a week off during the festival, so he would find something useful to do with his time.
“I’m working, you know.”
“Oh, you already have something to do? But even so, I’ve helped you a lot already. Can I have one more day, please?”
“Why?”
“On Monday. Let’s go to the festival together.”
“Why?”
“I want to enjoy the festival, but I don’t have any friends to go with.”
“Why do you need friends to go with?”
“Stop asking, please. It’s my request. Just agree to it, okay? Hurry up.”
It was not a situation where Sangwoo could refuse. Jihye had helped him a lot, and if he refused this request, she would use elegant words to manipulate him. Reluctantly, Sangwoo agreed without enthusiasm, and upon hearing that, Jihye smiled and scheduled to meet at the main entrance at eleven o’clock. return 0;
The exams are all finished. The exam results turned out as expected, except for the Cultural Theory subject, which was better than anticipated. The rest were not disappointing.
Sangwoo went out for meals, bought coffee, and took strolls, feeling more excited than usual.
During the busy two weeks, there was something missing from his life that used to be there. Because of its absence, he felt like he had done something wrong abnormally. His concentration decreased, but he had set a date to meet again, so he endured it for about one week. On his desktop, there was a folder named ‘Jang Jaeyoung’ as well.
‘Don’t avoid it, don’t ignore it. Try it out until the end with me and see how it feels. Maybe the unsettling feeling you have will disappear.’
The long exam period was an opportunity to test two ways of dealing with problems. If what Sangwoo felt was just a temporary confusion, it would disappear in two weeks. But if after the exams, that feeling still remained, he would have to confront it head-on. Sangwoo often avoided uncertainties, but the problem would still be a problem. There wasn’t much he could do now except wait in a state of uncertainty and be vigilant.
The experiment ended along with the exams. Sangwoo separated reasoning and emotions from each other and observed himself meticulously in his daily life. The results were clear. If he left the enemy soldiers outside the fortress without paying attention, they would become more aggressive and gain strength.
He missed the face of Jang Jaeyoung, the voice of Jang Jaeyoung, the gestures of Jang Jaeyoung, the facial expressions of Jang Jaeyoung, the tone of voice of Jang Jaeyoung, the scent of Jang Jaeyoung, thinking about everything that was different in each day of Jang Jaeyoung’s life, even things he used to hate at first. Even though he looked at the pictures and videos of the other person repeatedly and listened to Jaeyoung’s playlist before going to bed, the emptiness was not easily filled. The more he let go of his desires, the stronger they became each day, and there was a tendency for them to contaminate his mental world.
When one option becomes invalid and only one option remains, there are still two days left until the scheduled announcement date. However, Sangwoo made his decision earlier. He went to his office without saying a word. There was only one female design student in the room who was two years older than Sangwoo but in the same year.
“Jang Jaeyoung isn’t here.”
The girl wore a jacket full of animal fur, making her look like a stealthy hunter. She noticed Sangwoo’s posture and lowered the volume of the song playing. Tangled around the falling speakers were cables, a keyboard, a mouse, a tablet, phone charging cables, hard drives, computer screens, wires, USB cables, two power strips with four outlets, all scattered in one messy place.
“The speakers these days have short cables, huh?”
The stealthy hunter complained as she dealt with the fallen speakers. Sangwoo learned that if the question sounds silly, he had nothing to say. He sat down in an empty seat and looked automatically at Jaeyoung’s seat, cleaned up the trash, and picked up a cigarette box, lip balm, an umbrella case, earphones, and a lighter from the ashtray.
When he opened the ashtray, he saw something familiar. It was a 2,000-won notebook that Jaeyoung had forced Sangwoo to sell. He had been using this design notebook for several years, and there was no way he could forget it. It was the first week of the new semester back then, and now six weeks had passed without him realizing it, a time when Jang Jaeyoung followed him like stalking and maliciously taunted him. Sangwoo felt strangely nostalgic and opened the notebook to take a look.
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[1] FTP, short for File Transfer Protocol, is used for transferring large files from one server to another or from a user’s device to a server for file storage.
[2] Postmodernism, also known as the postmodern perspective or the postmodernist mindset, sometimes referred to as “postmodernity” or “the postmodern era.” is an intellectual, philosophical, cultural, social, musical, and other perspective that diverges from the traditional perspectives of the world.
[3] Theodor Adorno, a German philosopher and sociologist.
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