WHYARU, Chapter 21:
“Heard from Ton that you’ve been free to help at the shop for over a week?” Phii Kae asked while locking up the store.
“Yeah, I’ve got some free time, so I can help out. The other shop’s fine with it too.”
“Great, Tor. I was worried at first since Waew’s down with dengue fever. It’ll take days for her to recover. Thanks a ton, Tor.”
“No problem, Phii Kae. If there’s anything I can help with, I’m always happy to.” Tutor replied with a smile.
“Alright then, head home safe, Tor. See you tomorrow evening!” Kae gave Tutor a light pat on the shoulder before heading off. Tutor strolled back to his dorm unhurriedly, stopping at a 7-Eleven for dinner and replying to a LINE message from Fighter, who said he’d be super busy looking after his dad’s clients out of town.
This was probably for the best. It gave Tutor time to reflect on recent events and whether his impulsive decisions—made without consulting anyone—were the right ones.
“Yo, Tor!” a familiar voice called out as he reached the dorm. Someone stood up from a marble bench, looking at Tutor with slightly dim eyes.
“Zon, can I crash with you tonight? The last van left early, and taxis won’t go my way. I’ve got nowhere else to stay.”
“Sure, come on up.” Tutor nodded and led Zon to his room.
“Wanna shower first, Zon? I’ll grab you a towel.”
“Might as well. Thanks, man.”
“No worries.” After handing Zon a towel and letting him shower, Tutor started tidying up the scattered mess in his room. But he could only manage for a moment—his mind was too chaotic to focus.
In the end, Tutor gave up on cleaning and stepped out onto the balcony instead.
He gazed at the dark sky, speckled with a few twinkling stars. The cool breeze brushing against his face did nothing to calm the turmoil in his mind.
The feelings that had surfaced never faded, and pretending they didn’t exist wasn’t an option. Countless questions swirled in his head, especially the words of Phii Fai’s father, which he couldn’t shake no matter how hard he tried.
Tutor thought about it constantly. Even when he tried not to, his mind always drifted back.
“What’s wrong? Why’re you sitting here spacing out alone?” Zon slid open the door, stepped out, and plopped down on an empty chair. His eyes, filled with concern, met Tutor’s. “You stressed about something? You can tell me, Tor.”
“Yeah, I know,” Tutor replied, glancing at Zon’s face, which looked just as tense. In Tutor’s mind, Zon was all about fun and brightness, but now his friend seemed weighed down by something too. “But you look like you’ve got your own stress, don’t you?”
“I’m asking you, not the other way around, dude. So, what’s up? Spill it.”
“…”
“If you wanna talk, I mean. If not, that’s cool too,” Zon softened his tone, noticing Tutor’s distant expression. As curious as he was, he wouldn’t force his friend to open up.
“Zon.”
“Hm?”
“What’s going on with me and Phii Fai?”
“Huh? Going on? You mean… like, going on as in…”
“Yeah, exactly what you’re thinking,” Tutor confirmed, making Zon’s eyes widen in shock again.
“Damn, so you and I really got sucked into some kinda novel, huh?”
“What’d you say?”
“I said you and I got dragged into one of Zol’s damn BL novels.”
“Why do you think that?” Tutor asked, genuinely curious.
“Well, me and Saifah—”
“What?”
“No, no, not like you and Phii Fai, but me and him… it’s, like, how do I even explain it?” Zon looked uneasy, his expression showing he genuinely believed they’d been pulled into a story. With everything going on, it wasn’t hard to entertain the idea that maybe Zon was onto something.
Or maybe it really was like that.
“Maybe you’re right, Zon. Maybe we’ve both been sucked into some novel world.”
“So what do we do now, Tor? How do we get out of this? How do we wake up? Is this freaking Inception or what? Damn it, what am I supposed to do?” Zon looked extremely uneasy about the situation. In the end, Tutor could only offer a faint smile, giving some encouragement to his anxious friend.
“If we were you, Zon… we’d probably just go with our feelings. Whatever you feel, just do that. If you end up slipping into a novel for real, just let it happen.”
“You’re giving me advice, but what about you, Tor?”
“Me…” Tutor paused for a moment before looking up to answer his close friend. “I have reasons why I can’t just follow my feelings, Zon.”
It was a reason that, no matter how much he wanted to move forward, the priorities were just too different. He was just Tutor. The other person was the father who raised him from the start.
“Why? Is it really that bad?”
“Guess so.” Tutor let out a tired sigh, his mind drifting to the conversation he had with Phii Fai’s father that evening.
“I hope you understand me, Tor.”
“…”
“Fai is my only son. I expect him to have a stable family, cute kids, a good wife. He’s in his final year now, graduating in a few months. I want him to take over the family business because he’s my hope, my everything, in every way.”
“Yes, sir.”
“I’m not wrong for expecting this of Fai, am I, Tor?”
“No, sir, you’re not wrong.”
“I raised Fai on my own. He never had a mother, never felt a mother’s warmth. So the least I can do is ensure he has a warm, stable, complete family.”
But sir, a complete or happy family isn’t just about having a father, mother, and kids. There are other things that can bring happiness too.
But my happiness is seeing Fai with a good woman by his side.
“…”
And I believe, in the end, Fai will think the same way I do. You might not understand now, Tor, but when you grow up, see more of the world, get older, you’ll realize that what you and Fai are feeling is just a phase of youthful emotions.
“How can you be so sure that what you’ve chosen is truly Phii
Fai’s happiness?”
“Because I’m his father. I raised him with my own hands. I know him better than anyone. Even if Fai chooses you now, trust me, in the end, he’ll want a family. Once he graduates, meets new people, new environments, it won’t work out, Tor. The same goes for you. I think it’d be better for both of you if you let go now.”
“…”
“Like today, when Fai didn’t come to see you, it’s because I sent him to work at the company. He went to meet Fang, the daughter of a company director, who I hope will have a relationship with her in the future. Honestly, I never forced Fai. Back when he was with Hwahwa, I approved because she’s lovely. But with you Tor, it’s different. Tor you are a guy. You understand what I’m trying to say, right, Tor?”
“I understand, but I want to talk to Phii Fai first.”
“Tor… I’ll be honest. I don’t want to fight with Fai over this.”
“…”
“Fai is my only family, the only one I have. When he’s upset, it breaks my heart, and I don’t know what to do. We’re not that close these days. We argue sometimes, but we still smile and talk when we see each other. But if you tell Fai this is because of me, we might fight so badly we can’t even look at each other. He might end up hating me. I don’t think I could handle that.”
“Phii Fai would never hate you.”
“Who knows, Tor?”
“…”
“Can you promise me, Tor, that you won’t tell Fai about this?”
“…”
“Tor.”
“Alright, I won’t tell Phii Fai about this.”
“Thank you, really, thank you. As for what I’m asking, I want you to think it over carefully. Think about what’s best for Fai. Or if there’s something you want, just tell me. Name any amount of money, and I’ll give it to you. Just stop being involved with Fai.”
“Sir, I’m not someone who cares about money. If I leave, it won’t be because of money.”
“No, no, that’s not what I meant, Tor. I just… I want you to really think it over.”
“I understand.”
“Man, you’re right, it’s messed up,” Zon said in a weary tone. “But I don’t get why some old-fashioned adults think a perfect family has to have a mom, a dad, and kids. Some families have all that and still aren’t happy. And another thing I don’t get is why they think their way is the only right way, just because they were born first. Like they own the damn world or something. It’s bullshit.”
Zon grumbled and shook his head in frustration. He was right, but what could Tor do? That was his father, and in the grand scheme of things, Tor was just an outsider.
“So… what are you going to do now? Shouldn’t you talk to Phii Fai about it? Discuss it with him.”
“…”
“Going quiet like that means you’re just gonna decide on your own, huh?”
“Yeah, I promised Fai’s dad.”
“This is about you and Phii Fai, Tor. Why let someone else be a factor?”
“I don’t want the two of them to fight.”
“But if you don’t talk, it’ll just stay unresolved like this. Isn’t it better to ask him outright what he’ll choose? He’s caught in the middle. He deserves to know, man.”
“…”
“Sigh.” Zon let out an exasperated breath, seeing his friend had no intention of telling Fighter as he wished. “Fine, figure it out yourself then. Choose what you think is best. Really listen to your heart before deciding anything. That’s all the advice I can give you.”
“Thanks, Zon.”
“Alright, I’m hitting the sack.”
“Mm, good night.” Tutor nodded lightly as Zon patted his shoulder before heading inside. That’s just how Tutor was— stubborn in a way that sometimes even he got tired of himself. Maybe because he’d promised Phii Fai’s dad not to tell his son about this.
In the end, he was left alone to ponder whether the choices ahead were the right ones.
Brr, brr.
Tutor stared at his phone for a long time before deciding to pick it up.
“Hello.”
(Why do you look so tired?) It was Fighter video-calling him. “Work was busy today, Phii Fai.”
(Same here, been swamped all day. Dad sent me to handle some business with his partner out of town. Won’t be back for a couple of days.) “Mm.”
(Miss me?)
“…” Tutor didn’t answer, just glanced away, making the person on the call grin amusedly.
(Just say you miss me if you do. Hell, I miss you.)
“It’s only a few days, Fai. Why do you always exaggerate?”
(Not exaggerating at all. So, how’s Hwahwa? Is she still mad at you? Did hanging out with her and making up help at all?)
“Dunno.”
(Probably only mad when I’m around you, huh? Bet she’s trying to keep us apart. Good thing I’m off working. Hope when I get back, your friend lets you come see me.)
“You’re always like this,” Tutor shook his head lightly. “So, how was today? Tired?”
(Exhausted as hell. Worked all day, didn’t know what was going on half the time. Had to deal with foreign clients, but thankfully Fang was there to handle the talking.)
“Fang?”
(Yeah, Fang. She’s the daughter of the company’s partner, a year older than me. I don’t call her ‘Phii’ though—she looks way younger than me and acts super childish.)
“Is she cute?”
(She’s alright, but not as cute as you.)
“Enough already… Is she okay, though?”
(She’s fine. Pretty capable, speaks English like lightning. Probably gonna be a company director someday. As for me, I’ll need to study harder first. Then I’ll figure out the future, make some plans. Time flies, doesn’t it? Less than a year and I’ll graduate.)
“Yeah.”
Knock, knock, knock.
The sound of knocking came through the call. Fighter frowned and left the phone on the bed. Tutor saw a woman walk up and knock on the door. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, just that they were talking. Eventually, Fighter came back.
(Sorry, Fang was just dropping something off for me.)
“Oh.”
(Anyway, where was I?)
“You said you’re graduating in less than a year.”
(Right, that’s it. Maybe I’ll get a couple of years of experience before coming back to work at the company. Not sure if my dad will agree, though.)
“What if he doesn’t?”
(Guess I’ll just have to suck it up. It’s not like it’s too much for me.)
“Are you and your dad close?”
(Close? Nah, not at all. I grew up with nannies. He’s always working, so we’re not like other families. Like you and your sister—I’m kinda jealous when I see that. Why do you ask, though?)
“No reason, just curious.”
(Even if we’re not close, he’s all I’ve got. He raised me on his own, never brought a new woman into the house either. Maybe he knows I wouldn’t like it. Even now, I don’t know if he’s seeing anyone. But what blows my mind is how he runs the company. Before my grandpa died, the business nearly went under so many times, I lost count. Yet he pulled it through and made it what it is today.)
“You sound really proud of your dad.”
(I’m proud, I admit he’s talented. Sometimes I wish I could be as talented as him, make him proud. Because no matter how distant I am from my dad, in the end, he’s still my dad.)
“Yeah,” Tutor nodded. “So, should we call it a day, Phii Fai?
I’m gonna take a shower; I feel all sticky.”
(What the hell, we just talked for a bit. But fine, you look tired.
Rest up, okay? I’ll call you again when I’m back.)
“Mm.”
(Goodnight, Tor.)
“You too.”
Tutor hung up, his eyes closing as a heavy feeling surged within him. It felt awful. Tutor wasn’t some saint. If he could, he’d choose his and Phii Fai’s happiness above everything else.
But it was that word—family.
Family, to Tutor, was more important than anything else.
“I only have Fai. He’s my only family.”
“No matter how distant I am from my dad, in the end, he’s still my dad.”
Yeah… Tutor understood now.
He understood that no matter how overwhelming happiness could be, he couldn’t take the concept of family away from anyone.
He… really couldn’t do it.
…
It’s been a week, hasn’t it?
A week of Fighter being frustrated because Tutor wouldn’t reply to his messages or pick up his calls. A week of not understanding what was going on with his junior.
At first, Tutor said Hwahwa was still upset. Fine, he didn’t want to meddle or cause trouble. But at least they could talk on the phone or reply to messages. Instead, not only did Tutor ignore his messages, but he also didn’t answer calls. Going to his classroom? Day brushed him off. Going to his workplace?
They said Tutor had temporarily transferred to another branch. Even waiting at his dorm all night—Tutor never came back.
“You holding up okay, Fai?”
“I’m fine. Just a slight headache.”
“Still no answer from him?”
“Nope,” Fighter answered Dew, propping his chin on his hand and staring at the professor at the front of the room.
“He’s probably just busy, right?”
“I don’t feel that way at all, Dew.”
“…”
“I feel…” Fighter swallowed his thoughts. He genuinely felt that Tutor was avoiding him. He didn’t want to assume, but he couldn’t help wondering what was going on with Tutor. He wasn’t sure if he’d done something wrong to make his junior avoid him like this.
Ding, ding.
The sound of a LINE notification popped up on his phone.
Fighter’s heart hoped it was from the person he’d been waiting for.
But it wasn’t… It was a message from one of his friends.
After reading it, Fighter grabbed his car keys and phone from the study desk, stuffed them into his pants pocket, and rushed out.
Natee: Fai, I saw Tor at Lecture Hall One. He’s photocopying stuff right now. Hurry over.
“Dew, I’m heading out. If I don’t make it back before class ends, grab my bag and notes for me.”
“Whoa, where you going?”
“To find Tor.” Fighter said before quickly leaving. He drove to the lecture hall, and as soon as he found a parking spot, he practically ran to find his junior, driven by the fear that Tutor might slip away again.
Fighter didn’t know what was going on. He wasn’t sure if his junior was still okay with their relationship. What he feared most right now was that Tutor’s feelings might have changed.
He was terrified that after coming back from the beach, Tutor might have gained clarity about himself. He feared that what happened there was just a fleeting moment.
And his greatest fear was that Tutor might regret their relationship.
Right now, Fighter felt like a blind man in a cave, with no answers or light to guide him. Maybe because the only person who could answer his questions was busy running away from him.
If it turned out to be what he feared, he didn’t know if he could handle it.
In his heart, he could only hope it wasn’t true… Please, let it not be what he was thinking.
“Phii Fai!” A familiar voice called out as Fighter blocked the path of the person who had just finished photocopying. The startled look on Tutor’s face confirmed to Fighter that his junior had indeed been avoiding him.
“Can we talk?”
“Well, I…” Tutor’s thin lips pressed into a tight line. The pale face that met his gaze at first quickly turned away, as if trying to ignore him.
“Tor.”
“…”
“Please, I’m begging you. Let me talk to you. At least tell me what’s going on.”
“…”
“Can you?”
“Mm, fine.” With Tutor’s reluctant permission, the taller figure grabbed his hand and led him behind the building. It was evening, after most students had finished classes, and not a single person passed by.
The awkward silence grew heavier as their eyes met.
“What’s going on, Tor?” Fighter broke the silence first. “Why aren’t you answering my calls? I went to your room, you weren’t there. Went to the shop, they said you were helping at another branch, but wouldn’t say which one. Is something up?”
“…”
“Can you tell me?”
“I’m busy.” Tutor swallowed the lump in his throat and faced the older guy, whose eyes were full of questions. “I’ve got a project. Sometimes it gets late, so I crash at a friend’s dorm in the faculty. As for work, it’s just like you said.”
“Really?” Fighter’s voice was faint. “Why don’t I believe that? It feels more like you’re avoiding me.”
Tutor couldn’t bring himself to meet Phii Fai’s gaze. He didn’t want to see the pain in his older friend’s eyes right now.
“It’s nothing, Phii Fai. I’m just tired. Work’s been hectic, and I’ve been working really hard.”
“Take a break, Tor. Didn’t you promise to cut back on work?” The gentle tone and concerned look in Fighter’s eyes were unmistakable. “Do you realize how worn out you look?”
“Phii Fai…”
“It’s only been a week or so since I last saw you, and not only do you look exhausted, you’ve lost some weight too.”
“Phii Fai.”
“Yeah?”
“I…” Tutor pursed his lips tightly. He looked into the older guy’s eyes again, his mind racing through the hundredth iteration of what he was about to say, questioning if it was the right thing to do, if it was correct to say it.
Even though he didn’t want to.
He didn’t want to be the one to say they no longer needed to stand side by side.
But in the end…
“Do you remember the promise you made me?”
“…”
“The promise where you said you wouldn’t go anywhere until… until I told you to let go of my hand.”
“Tor.”
“I’m asking if you can let go,” Fighter turned his face away. He bit his lip hard. Was the thing he feared most about to happen? Was his younger lover begging him to let go?
“Sure… I can let go.”
“Then can you let go of my hand?”
“Tor… do you know what you’re saying? Don’t mess with me like this.” Though he spoke with a forced laugh, as if it were a joke, his heart felt like it was being slowly sliced by a knife. The look in Tutor’s eyes wasn’t playful at all. He wasn’t joking. “Tor.”
“You promised, Fai,” Tutor choked out. “You promised me.”
“Why?” A burning sensation welled up in his eyes, as if his heart’s pain was spilling over. He didn’t care how many tears were falling now. He just couldn’t understand why his younger friend was doing this. “Why, Tor? Why did it come to this?” “Can I not give a reason, Phii Fai? I… I’m sorry.”
This was the second time, wasn’t it? The second time he’d seen his younger friend cry. The tears that made his heart ache unbearably.
Can you not cry, Tor?
Can you not be sad because of me?
Please don’t cry. Tears don’t suit you at all.
“Tor,” Fighter called his name, his voice trembling.
“Phii Fai, please… let me go,” Tutor pleaded. Fighter looked at the person in front of him, pain searing through him. He pushed his tongue against his cheek and turned away. This feeling was utterly awful.
Why did this have to happen to him, especially when he loved someone this much?
And why wouldn’t the person in front of him give him any reason? At least tell him what he did wrong.
Just say it’s because you don’t love me anymore, or that you never felt anything for me to begin with.
Just say something. Anything.
“Then let me ask you this, Tor. In all the time we’ve been together, have you ever regretted what happened between us? This relationship, from the start until now—do you regret it?”
Tutor fell silent. He didn’t answer the question. All Fighter could hear was the sound of his sobs echoing back.
“Are you crying because you regret it?”
“…”
“Do you regret that things turned out this way between us?”
“Phii Fai, I…” Tutor couldn’t speak. His sobs continued, as if he might break down right there. Fighter didn’t want him to cry.
He didn’t want his younger friend to shed tears because of him.
Fighter once said he hated seeing his junior’s tears. He still felt that way now. Even if it meant trading the whole world to spare Tutor’s pain and tears, he’d do it.
“Okay… I understand,” Fighter said with difficulty. He reached out to wipe the tears from the face in front of him, gently stroking his junior’s cheek. “I’m sorry.”
“…”
“I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable, Tor. Sorry for making you sad. So please, stop crying.”
“Hic… sob…”
“Don’t cry. Tears don’t suit you at all,” the older guy said softly, his large hand ruffling Tutor’s hair gently. His thin lips pressed a kiss to the damp eyelids again, lingering yet feeling fleeting. It was painful, but it had to be this way. “Take care of yourself, okay?”
The familiar sight of his back slowly walking away blurred and faded through the unrelenting tears.
Tutor was in pain—too much to fully express.
“Sob… Phii Fai. I’ve never regretted meeting you. Not even a bit about what happened between us… Fai.”
This is for the best, right? Choosing to decide like this—it’s good for both of us, isn’t it?
Please tell me it’s really for the best.
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