WHYARU, Chapter 14:
“I’m back,” Tutor said as he opened the door and stepped into the room.
“Back already, Tor? Go, go wash your hands first. I’ve finished making sukiyaki, so you can come eat,” his sister said. Tutor nodded, went to wash his hands, and then sat down to eat the sukiyaki his sister had prepared.
“Eat a lot, okay? So you can grow up fast.”
“Tor’s already grown up.”
“Grown up or not, you’re still a little kid in my eyes. Eat,”
Tongtaa said, picking up shrimp and fish balls to put in her little brother’s bowl. She cherished this time with him—talking, smiling, laughing, and taking care of him in a way she didn’t often get to do. Tongtaa didn’t know when she’d return to Thailand or how tough her work abroad would be. But as the eldest sister, all she could do now was fulfill her role as best she could.
Tutor and Tongtaa spent a good while eating sukiyaki together, sharing stories and laughing. But during their conversation, Tongtaa sensed Tutor was hiding something.
Though she didn’t ask, her instincts told her something was up. The timing just wasn’t right to press him.
10:45 PM
Tongtaa stepped out of the bathroom after her shower. The first thing she noticed was the empty bed—no sign of her little brother. Looking around, she spotted Tutor sitting out on the balcony.
The loneliness radiating from his back was overwhelming, making her wonder what was troubling him. In the end, all she could do was walk out and ask him directly.
“Can I sit with you?” Tongtaa opened the balcony door and peeked out.
“Come on, Phii Tong,” Tutor smiled and shifted to another chair.
“Do you come out here often, Tor? Aren’t you afraid of mosquito bites?”
“Nah, Phii Tong. I only come out here when I’ve got something on my mind.”
“So, you’ve got something on your mind now, huh?”
“…” Tutor didn’t respond. He just leaned back in his chair and let out a sigh.
“It’s been a while since we’ve had a heart-to-heart, hasn’t it?”
“Oh.”
“So… how about we open up and talk today?”
“Alright.”
“Then… I’ll go first,” Tongtaa said, gazing at the view in front of her. “Tor, do you believe that when I applied for this job abroad, I wasn’t confident at all? I was just full of fear—afraid from the moment I applied, through the interviews, getting the visa or work permit, and even now, when I’m about to fly out to start the job, I’m still scared.”
“…”
“But do you know what made me stop being afraid?” Tongtaa’s final sentence was almost a question as she turned to look at Tutor, one hand reaching out to affectionately ruffle his hair.
“No idea.”
“Hardship.”
“…”
“Not my hardship, though. It’s the hardship of Dad, Mom, and you, Tor. I don’t want any of you to have to struggle anymore. I’m going to earn money to pay off the debts, and… I’ll make sure you can go to school.”
“Phii Tong,” Tutor called out to Tongtaa with a trembling voice, his eyes reflecting the same emotion. Knowing how much his older sister was willing to overcome her fears for the family made him feel even more touched.
“So, from now on, I want you to live your teenage life to the fullest. Eat what you want, go where you want, do whatever you want—but don’t break the law or go astray, got it?”
“Got it.”
“And quit that job already. Resign today or tomorrow.”
“It’s fine, Phii Tong. I can handle it. It’s just this job.”
“Don’t be stubborn, Tor. Trust me. Go live your teenage years to the fullest. If you need anything, I’ll take care of it.” Once again, Tutor felt his eyes burning, almost unable to hold back. Looking into Phii Tong’s eyes, he realized how lucky he was to be born into this family, with a sister who did so much for him and parents who understood. The exhaustion from work felt insignificant compared to what he gained in return. The struggles at home had truly made their family stronger and more loving. “Don’t you dare cry, you hear me?”
Tongtaa told her younger brother, ruffling his hair vigorously.
She said it because her own eyes were red, barely holding back her emotions. If Tutor started crying, she’d likely break down too.
“Hic… ugh… I’m not crying,” Tutor said, rubbing his eyes with both hands to wipe away the feelings and tears. He swallowed the lump in his throat, looked up, and turned to his sister again.
“Now it’s your turn, Tor. Open up to me. Don’t say there’s nothing, because I can tell there’s something.”
“…” Tutor didn’t respond. He just stared at the dark sky ahead, where today, like every day, the stars twinkled faintly. In his mind, he was still wondering whether he should tell Phii Tong about it, whether it would be okay to share. But in the end, he decided to speak up.
“Phii Tong, when it comes to kissing someone, does there need to be a reason to back it up?”
“What does Tutor think?”
“I don’t know…”
“Honestly, Tutor, a kiss doesn’t need any reason to back it up. But if you want me to find reasons,” Tongtaa paused, pretending to think, “there probably aren’t many. Maybe it comes from desire, lust, anger, or even work. But sometimes, there might be no reason at all. Just wanting to kiss for the sake of it—that happens too. Still, for most people, when they kiss, it usually starts with good feelings, or maybe even love.”
“Is that so? How do we know which feeling it is?”
“You feel it from the kiss itself, when your lips touch. Is it warm? Does your stomach flutter? Do you feel excited, your heart racing like you’re under a spell when you open your eyes and look at each other?”
“That kind of thing… can you really feel it, Phii Tong?” Tutor muttered, biting his lower lip until it turned red, perhaps because of what Tongtaa said. He could feel it all.
“So, Tutor, can you tell what kind of feeling it was?”
“I didn’t say it was about me.”
“Oh, really?” Tongtaa’s teasing expression left Tutor flustered, and she let out a laugh. “Seriously, Tutor, all the reasons for kissing I just told you about—if you’re not thinking too deeply about it, it’s just a kiss, plain and simple.”
“…”
“But whenever you keep thinking about it all the time, the sensation, their face, every little thing that happened during that kiss—if it’s like that, it’s probably not just an ordinary kiss anymore. It’s much more than that… in a way I think you already understands.”
“But…” Tutor hesitated, unsure if he should say it. But the gentle look in Tongtaa’s eyes gave him enough confidence that his big sister would accept anything, no matter what. “But what if the person I kissed was another guy, Phii Tong? If it’s like that, what would you do?”
Tongtaa smiled at Tutor’s endearing question, her little brother who was now grappling with his own feelings. To her, it felt so innocent.
“I think, Tutor, you need to let go of those norms first. Gender, age, status, wealth, fame, or anything else that’s holding back your feelings right now—let them go. Because in the end, love, affection, or good feelings aren’t defined by those things.”
“…”
“Love is love. Gender doesn’t define it, status doesn’t either. It’s the feeling that matters.” Tongtaa’s words cleared almost all the fog in Tutor’s heart. The weight that had been pressing on his chest felt like it had been pulled away completely. But still… There’s still something lingering in my feelings.
“What if the person I have feelings for is someone my friend is kind of flirting to? What would you do in that case?”
“Kind of flirting to, so not a boyfriend, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Does your friend like him?”
“I’m not sure.” Because during that one conversation, it seemed like Hwahwa was just teasing Zon and Phii Fai. In the end, Tutor didn’t really know what was going on.
Alright, I’ll answer as a regular person, and this might be right or wrong, okay? But I think feelings can’t be controlled. If both of you already have feelings for each other, there’s no point in hiding or suppressing it anymore. When it gets to that point, I’d ask that person straight-up what they want to do. If they truly have feelings for me, they need to sort things out with my friend properly. Because if it stays unresolved like this, it’ll only get worse.”
“And what about my friend, Phii Tong? How would they feel?”
“I think if the friend you’re talking about, Tor, is someone who truly loves and cares about you, they’d understand. You just need to tell them how you feel.”
“…” Tutor stayed quiet, staring at his older sister, who still looked confused and troubled. All she could do was reach out and gently ruffle Tutor’s hair to encourage him.
“Trust me, Tor. Hwa will understand, no matter how long it takes.”
“Phii Tong…” Tutor’s eyes widened. He hadn’t expected Tongtaa to guess that the friend was Hwahwa.
“I’m your sister, Tor. How many friends do you care about this much in the world? There’s Hwa, there’s Zon, but if I had to guess, it’s probably just Hwa.”
“…”
“So, what you need to do now is sort things out with that guy, figure out what’s next, and then tell Hwa everything—what you feel, what he feels. And most importantly, don’t let Hwa find out on her own. Otherwise, it’ll be a mess. Got it?”
“Yeah, I understand.”
“Oh,” Tongtaa turned to look at Tutor again, “bring him along when you drop me off.”
“Huh?”
“When you take me to the airport, bring him to meet me. I want to see…” Tutor didn’t promise Tongtaa anything, because he wasn’t sure if he could even invite Fighter.
He didn’t know if Fighter would turn him down.
What he feared now wasn’t his own feelings, but Phii Fai’s.
“Sighhh,” Tongtaa let out a heavy sigh, stood up, stretched lazily, and glanced at her younger brother again. “I’m going to bed.”
“Okay.”
“Let’s not stay out too long, or the mosquitoes will bite.”
“Mm, it’s not late. I’ll head in soon. Good night, Phii Tong. Thanks a lot, sis,” Tutor looked up at his sister, who pulled his head into a comforting hug. Tongtaa ruffled his hair affectionately as he clung to her waist, reluctant to let go.
“Can you let go now, you little pup?”
“Mm,” Tutor released Tongtaa’s waist and roughly wiped away his tears. She looked at her brother again, thinking that this was all she could do for him. The rest was up to Tutor—how much he’d reflect on her words and learn from them.
She didn’t know if the candle she’d lit for him would illuminate his heart or reach someone else.
She could only hope it would.
…
Today, Fighter had no classes. Normally, he’d go somewhere familiar, but things weren’t normal now. So, he drove to the building where Hwahwa was studying and messaged her that they’d grab dinner together tonight.
“Hey, Phii Fai,” someone called out to Fighter, who was engrossed in his phone. He looked up. “Here to pick up Hwa?”
“Yeah,” Fighter replied to the girl in front of him. He didn’t remember who she was, but if she approached him so familiarly, she was probably Hwahwa’s friend.
“Hwa’s at the copy shop behind the building, Phii Fai. I can take you there if you want.”
“Oh, no worries. I’ll head over myself.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, it’s fine. Thanks,” Fighter smiled at Hwahwa’s friend and walked in the direction she’d pointed out. He strolled casually until he reached the corner where the copy shop was, but there was no sign of Hwahwa. He almost turned back, but then he heard her voice coming from an alley nearby.
“Day, wait! Can you listen to me first?”
“What else does I need to hear, Hwa? When everything’s already this clear? You don’t need to explain. I get it.”
“No, Day, you don’t understand!!!”
“You’re the one who doesn’t understand, Hwa!!!”
Day’s shout made the air around them tense. Fighter watched the two, their faces etched with pain. Day turned away, while Hwahwa stared at the ground. The looks in their eyes clearly showed how much they were hurting.
“Day…”
It wasn’t much different for Fighter, standing there. He didn’t know how to feel. It wasn’t sadness or embarrassment that Hwahwa was talking to someone else. It was guilt—he felt responsible for causing so many relationships to become tangled and messy.
“Don’t you feel a bit weird that your partner’s gotten so close to that Day guy?”
“Do I have to feel something? Hwa and I aren’t even together.”
How could he forget what Dew said?
How could he forget that Day and Hwahwa had grown close while he was busy burying himself with Tutor? Maybe because when that incident with Tutor happened, all he could think about was going back to Hwahwa to find some clarity for the confusion he felt. But he forgot to consider that Hwahwa had someone else in her life too.
“Day, don’t do this,” Hwahwa said to Day with a trembling voice, reaching out to grab his arm and shaking it gently, as if pleading.
Fighter watched the scene with a pang of guilt. He didn’t know how someone as selfish as him, coming back just to figure out his own feelings, could apologize to both of them. In the end, all Fighter could do was quietly walk away. He left the two of them to sort things out and went to wait in front of the building as usual.
Fighter didn’t run away. Maybe because he thought today was the day to finally put an end to these unresolved issues.
“Phii Fai,” someone called his name from behind. When he turned around, he saw Day approaching with a forced smile. Despite the strain, Day still managed to smile at him. “Here to pick up Hwa, huh?”
“Yeah. What’re you doing around here?”
“Just stopping by to see a friend, Phii Fai. I was about to head back. Been feeling kinda tired lately.”
“What’s wrong?” Fighter asked. “If you need to vent, you can talk to me, Day.”
“It’s nothing, Phii Fai. Just trivial stuff.”
“I don’t think what’s going on between you and Hwa is trivial, Day.”
“Whoa, Phii Fai, what’s with you? Hwa and I are just friends. Whatever you heard from someone, don’t believe it. Hwa loves you.”
“…”
“Loves you a lot,” Day’s voice softened at the end, his eyes betraying something off. He tried to hide his feelings by looking away before turning back with another smile. “Let’s talk another time, Phii Fai. We’ll catch up for drinks or something when we’re free.”
“That’s the plan?”
“Yup.”
“Alright, see you then.” Fighter nodded and patted Day’s shoulder a few times. After that, Day walked away. Fighter didn’t want to push Day to admit to the fragile nature of their relationship, knowing it might make him feel worse. In the end, the only ones who could resolve this were him and Hwahwa.
“Phii Fai,” a clear voice called out a few minutes after Day left.
“Hey, Hwa.”
“Have you been waiting long?”
“No way.”
“By the way, what should we eat tonight?” Hwahwa flashed a wide smile to greet Fighter, but beneath her smile, he could sense a hint of sadness.
“What does you want to eat?”
“Anything’s fine. Let’s go check and decide later, okay?” Hwahwa said, reaching out to hold Fighter’s arm as she often did. The two walked to the parked car, acting as if everything was normal, as if nothing had happened. They talked, asked about school, and brought up various topics, but in the end, they couldn’t suppress the feelings stirring inside. Barely ten minutes after the car hit the road, a quiet settled in slowly. Both sank back into their own thoughts. Hwahwa didn’t even realize Fighter had driven her straight home without stopping for dinner as planned until he called out to her.
“Hwa… we’re at your place.”
“Huh?” Hwahwa looked confused. “Aren’t we stopping for dinner, Phii Fai? Sorry, I was spacing out. Work’s been a lot lately, so I’m a bit out of it.”
Hwahwa gave a broad smile. Fighter smiled back, letting out a soft sigh.
“I feel like what we’re doing right now… are we just pretending, Hwa?”
“…”
“I know about you and Day.”
“So what if you know? Knowing doesn’t mean you understand me, Phii Fai.”
“I do understand. Why wouldn’t I?”
“How do you understand it?” Hwahwa turned to meet
Fighter’s gaze, asking the question she wanted answered.
“I understand what kind of confusion you’re feeling right now.”
“Hmph,” Hwahwa let out a breath, almost amused. “So you’re confused too, Phii Fai? Who’s the one making you feel like this?”
“…”
“That person must be really important to you, huh?” Hwahwa said with a slight mocking tone. “Sigh, I’m kind of jealous, you know. I’ve been with you for so long, but I’ve never once felt that from you.”
“…”
“Seeing this makes me want to bring up Zon.”
“Hwa.”
“I’m kidding,” Hwahwa said playfully. “Because what you’re going through right now has already made me realize who I should choose. Thank you so much, Phii Fai, for finally opening my eyes. But… can I ask you something? Back when you first approached me, were you genuinely interested in me, or was it for some other reason?”
“…”
“Why are you so quiet? Is it because you don’t want to tell me, or because you yourself don’t know why you got involved?”
“…”
“Forget it. Let’s just say I understands. You’ve been so good to me all this time, even holding back when things could’ve happened between us. Maybe that’s part of it. That’s why I can’t help but wonder why you got involved in the first place. Anyway, good luck, okay? Take care of yourself.”
Bang
The door closed along with Fighter’s weary eyes. He shut them and thought back on everything that had happened. He tried to revisit Hwahwa’s question again.
Why did he approach Hwahwa back then?
“Phii Fai, my name isn’t written like that…”
“So what? I’ll write it however I want.”
Maybe it started back then, from the very first moment his junior walked in on orientation day.
From the moment he saw that stubborn face and the annoyed look when he was teased.
And maybe it grew from the image of Hwahwa talking with Tutor under the engineering building, full of smiles and laughter—an image that made him want to claim it for himself.
Perhaps that was the only answer to the hundred questions he kept asking himself.
An answer he already knew deep down.
“Phii Fai, can you stop playing with your phone and start tutoring?”
“Phii Fai… why are you staring at me? Read the book already.”
“Phii Fai… ugh.”
He missed him so much.
Missed him until his heart ached.
Missed him so much that walking away that day felt like the worst mistake of his life.
He kept wondering why he didn’t tell him, why he didn’t talk to him, why he let confusion take over and just walked away like that.
Now, he didn’t know where to begin. He didn’t know if going back would mean his junior would still welcome him. And most importantly, he didn’t know if his junior felt the same way he did.
The confusion that once plagued him was now turning into fear.
Fear that, in the end, what he felt would be for nothing.
Ding!
Tutor: Phii Fai, are you free around 9 p.m. tonight?
By the way, Phii Tong is leaving for abroad today. She wants to meet you.
But if you’re not free, it’s okay.
Tutor: I understand.
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