WESTTHESUNFROMANOTHERSTAR, Chapter 28: Crazy You
Daotok
I was working with one of my hands being held warmly. After my words seemed to give him permission to do whatever he wanted, he looked as excited as a child who got candy after being praised by a teacher.
“You’re giving me hope here.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, you’re giving me courage, and now, it feels like I can do anything.”
“No, you can’t.”
“You let me kiss you just now.”
“Is that called letting?” I countered, before when he suddenly leaned in to kiss my cheek without warning, I was genuinely surprised, and by the time I composed myself, he had already withdrawn his lips. Complaining would only make me more frustrated.
“See what happens when you play with fire?”
“…” I didn’t respond while my other hand was still sketching on the tablet. It wouldn’t be long before today’s work was done.
I still couldn’t believe I had to stay over at his place. I didn’t feel safe at all. I planned to wait for him to fall asleep before sneaking out to a nearby hotel.
“Almost done, huh?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Quick, huh? Must have gotten a lot of encouragement from me.”
“Then it’ll take even longer to finish, it feels like something’s holding me back.”
“You’ve got a sharp tongue.”
“Kidding.”
“So, you felt encouraged by me?”
“Oh…this is encouragement?”
“Yes, but I’m also taking some bonus.” He said, looking at our clasped hands. He started pulling my hand closer and kissed the back of it, moving to the fingertips, then gently biting my knuckle. I watched these actions without understanding.
“Why bite?”
“It’s itchy.”
“Like a newborn puppy or something?”
“Why does it have to be a puppy?”
“Puppies get itchy teeth and like to bite everything.”
“Who told you that?”
“Grandma.”
“Oh, yeah, but I do have itchy teeth.”
“It hurts.”
“Hurts?”
“I mean from last time when you bit my neck.”
“I told you I wouldn’t do that anymore.”
“Hmm.”
“Until you’re okay with it, that is, but you’ve opened up to me already.” He said, laughing in a good mood, still messing with my cheek and hand. Even though it was annoying, I didn’t complain for the same reason as before; complaining would just be a waste of energy. I’ve resigned myself to the situation.
Besides…it doesn’t feel bad.
It doesn’t feel disgusting or give me goosebumps. It’s just a bit annoying. I didn’t respond further, focusing on the work in front of me until I lost track of time, and I had gotten so used to his touch that I didn’t mind the hand that still hadn’t let go, until the work was done and sent to the client.
I only realized that the person next to me had been quiet for a while. I turned to look and found him dozing off, with one arm supporting his head and the other hand holding mine.
It’s like he came to watch me work…no, that’s exactly what he did, he sat here watching me work until he fell asleep.
‘You first smile’
A familiar sweet voice that I hadn’t heard in a while rang out. I turned to see a little girl in a white dress holding a teddy bear, Emma standing beside me with her usual wide, cheerful smile.
During my time abroad, I didn’t take Emma with me, so we hadn’t seen each other for a while.
As Emma said…I found myself smiling at him without realizing it.
‘He looks so tired, doesn’t he?’
‘Yeah, must have been studying hard. Plus, he woke up early.’
I thought to myself before slowly pulling my hand away. I didn’t think it would wake him up. His beautiful eyes opened slowly, looking displeased at being woken up so suddenly; he furrowed his brows at me.
“Is your work done?”
“Uh-huh, go back to sleep.”
“No, I was just napping, I’ll read some more.”
“Oh.”
“You should go take a shower, I’ll lend you a shirt.”
“…It’s fine, I can sleep in my old clothes.”
“What’s wrong with just borrowing my shirt?”
“It won’t fit.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” He replied before letting go of my hand and getting up to go to the wardrobe. The hand he had just released felt cold immediately. The room owner brought me a T-shirt and long pants. I looked at them and immediately knew I’d have to roll up the pants several times.
“I’ll wash them and return them later.”
“No worries, I’ll keep them to sniff.”
“…”
“What? I like your smell.” He said, laughing when he saw my surprised expression, “It’s normal, even North does it. If I had to choose between sniffing your shirt or hugging you, which would you prefer?”
“Neither.”
“You’re so stingy.”
“Uh-huh.” I responded before heading to the bathroom, closing the door hurriedly. I don’t know why, but I felt I needed to close it quickly. I heard laughter from the other side.
“Afraid I’ll come in and see you showering or what?”
“Uh-huh.”
“I won’t do it, even if I want to see.”
“…”
“Actually, I’ve installed a camera inside, you take off your shirt and I can see it on my phone.”
His words made me pause because I was indeed about to take off my shirt.
“Will…you really?”
“Just kidding, why? were you about to take off your shirt just now?”
“Hmm.”
“Hahaha. Okay, I won’t tease you, I feel sorry for you.”
“You didn’t install a camera, right?”
“Why would I install a camera in my own bathroom? To watch myself shower?
Go shower, you’re too suspicious of me.”
“But it’s you.”
“So what if it’s me?”
“Whatever.”
I cut him off before really taking off my clothes, getting into the bathtub, turning on the warm water, and waiting for the tub to fill up. I leaned back, scooping water to splash on my face to relax, and after a while, Emma walked through the door, sitting down on the floor, holding onto the edge of the tub.
‘Michael.’
“Hmm.”
I answered softly, certain that no one else could hear.
‘I’m glad that you opened your heart to someone.’
“Why?”
‘Even though he’s rough and seems harsh, his love is like that of a very innocent child.’
“Really?”
‘Hmm,’ Emma responded, dipping her finger into the water and swirling it around, ‘He’s never had love, he’s sincere and doesn’t lie. There’s nothing hidden, he’s natural, he’s everything you like.’
“But I only opened up a bit. Just thinking that it might be safe with this person.”
‘That’s right, it should be safe, huh?’
“Yes.”
It should be safe…
With everything he’s done for me…as I was about to leave his house, I suddenly thought:
‘If it’s this person…then it should be okay.’
I feel like it would be safe. If I placed my heart in his hands, he wouldn’t break it again because he makes me feel that way…so I want to try opening my heart to him.
‘Michael, you might not like him that much yet, but I think that no matter how long it takes, he’ll stay.’
“If he really stays, then…”
‘Doesn’t you want it to be him, the one who will stay until the day you dares to give your whole heart?’
“But I don’t know how long it will take, it seems like I am selfish to make him wait without a goal.”
‘Michael, you warned him about this when he confessed…and he said he would stay, didn’t he?’
Emma’s words made me remember the first day he confessed his love. I both rejected and warned him that it might be a waste of time, but it was him who insisted he wanted to stay. I don’t know how serious his words were, but I want to try trusting him once.
“If one day he gets tired of waiting because we never like him back…”
‘He said you don’t have to like him, he just wants to be with you. If one day he really leaves, it means he’s like everyone else who just lies, but we’re confident he’s not like that.’
“Well, you never know, people can change.”
‘Michael is hoping…that he won’t change.’
“Yeah…probably.”
‘Believe me, he doesn’t lie; he might be the most honest being on this earth.’
Emma’s words made me inadvertently smile, ‘Why not read his heart then?’
“No.”
‘Why?’
“It seems dishonest, using that ability. Besides…if he doesn’t lie, he should prove it himself, why should we be the ones to prove it?”
‘Michael you talk a lot more now.’
“Really?”
‘Hmm. You talk more when you’re with him, you even ask questions back. It’s different from before.’
“And is that good?”
‘It’s good, of course, you’re a bit stronger now. Good love will make a person grow,’ Emma said, her eyes on the teddy bear floating in the warm water of the tub. ‘Do you remember the first day you created me?’
“Hmm.”
‘Back then, Michael had no one, so you created me. I was the only one you could talk to about everything. I hope he can become that person instead of me.
Then I can retire.’
“You don’t want to talk to me anymore?”
‘Not at all, but having someone you can truly trust and rely on is better, isn’t it?’
“Hmm.”
‘But if you’re lonely, you can still call me to talk anytime.’
“Understood.”
‘And…you like it when he’s jealous, right?’
“Hmm, it feels good…in a way.”
‘Ha ha, that’s strange, even though he can be scary.’
“When someone gives you attention, you’re bound to feel good…I think.”
‘But you are starting to get used to his touch, aren’t you ?’
“A little, like if he holds my hand for a long time and then suddenly lets go, it feels…empty, I can’t quite describe it.”
‘He’s slowly infiltrating, and before you know it, you are already used to it.’
“Like a worm burrowing into our life.”
‘…Yeah, I guess so.’
After talking with Emma for a while, I let myself relax in the hot water with the short-haired, brown-haired girl humming a tune from where she sat. Emma’s face has never changed since I can remember, she’s just grown taller. Her face resembles that of an American girl from a movie I liked when I was young, wearing a white dress and holding a teddy bear. I created her based on my own likes.
‘Michael’
“What?”
‘Do you want me to talk to him?’
“…”
‘You’ve accidentally told him about us, haven’t you? Deep down, you’re happy that he treated it like it was normal.’
“He just didn’t say anything.”
I said, and my smiling expression didn’t change at all. Emma is an imaginary friend that sometimes I think of as real because I’ve never once changed her character or appearance to suit my whims. Emma remains Emma, a part of my subconscious that can’t lie or deceive me.
If he showed any sign of thinking it’s strange or not accepting it, Michael would never open his heart to him.
“…”
‘What’s important is that someone who truly accepts our real self without wanting to change it, sees our true self as the best.’
“Which is rare.”
‘But you’ve found him.’
“…Oh, uh. I think I …”
‘Are you embarrassed?’
“Yes. I think it’s too much. If everything he says is true…”
‘You’re saying this again, whether it’s true or not, you’ve already talked. And what’s too much?’
“His sincerity, his feelings…it’s too much.” I said softly, my eyes gazing absentmindedly at the light yellow wall, sinking further into the warm water until only my eyes were visible. I wasn’t sure if my flushed face was due to the hot water or embarrassment.
But my heart was beating fast again…
‘Not used to it?’
“Yes.” I answered in my mind before sinking my head completely into the hot water, staying there until I couldn’t hold my breath any longer, then I surfaced.
‘You like doing this when you can’t think of anything, huh?’
“Hmm.”
‘Did you think of anything new?’
“Not at all.”
I answered, soaking in the bath for a while longer before getting out, drying off, and getting dressed. I had to fold the sleeves several times and roll up the pants to make them fit properly. Imagine a shirt and pants that are way too big, with sleeves and pant legs folded several times; it probably doesn’t look great, and I definitely don’t like it much.
I pulled the drawstring of my pants as tight as I could to keep them from falling, checked myself in the mirror to make sure everything was okay, and then left the bathroom.
As soon as I stepped out, I saw the owner of the room lying on the sofa. He heard the door open and sat up, turning to look at me.
“Wow.” He said, looking somewhat astonished by something. I didn’t care and immediately asked something else.
“Where should I put the towel?”
“Hang it anywhere.”
“Hmm.” I walked to hang the towel on the balcony.
“And you’re going to sleep now?” He asked. It was almost nine at night, so I nodded in response. Since I’d finished my work, there was nothing left to do. He got up from the sofa and approached me. I instinctively backed away until I hit the wall. Seeing this, he smiled, “You’re so suspicious of me.”
“What are you going to do?”
“What I want to do.” He said before leaning down and pressing his nose against my neck, making me tense up without realizing it. I tried to push him away but failed; he moved up to nuzzle around my ear, making me feel ticklish all over.
“Get off.”
“When you’re wet, you’re damn sexy.”
He whispered in a hoarse voice, and suddenly my heart started beating faster. His warm breath and soft lips pressed against my neck and shoulder, kissing and nibbling gently.
“No…no.” I tried to push him away with all my strength, but the person in front of me only snuggled closer, making my face flush with heat. Those kisses indicated how skilled he was before he started sucking and biting, causing pain. “No, get off, you said you wouldn’t do this anymore.” I said firmly and pushed him away with all my might.
And he finally backed off willingly, looking somewhat displeased.
“You make me lose my mind.”
“What?”
“Why did you put on my shirt like that?” He furrowed his brows, pulling my collar into place. I looked down. When I checked in the mirror, I thought the collar was fine, but because the shirt was too large, the neckline was too wide. “Do something so I don’t see it, damn, it’s so white.”
“…”
“Dry your hair too, quick.”
“Understood.” I said before quickly adjusting my collar to cover myself properly, breathing a little heavily because my heart was beating so fast. Saying I wasn’t scared at all wouldn’t be possible, but it seemed like he was trying to control himself too.
“Damn…can I endure this for three nights?” He muttered to himself, gently rubbing his face and running his hand through his hair.
“You can let me go back, you know.”
“No way.”
“You promised not to do anything.”
“I know, but who told you to be so white. Not good. It’s not about being white, I’m crazy about you, understand?”
“…”
“I’m almost going crazy for you.”
“I understand.”
“Then answer.”
“Just…uh, I can’t speak. I didn’t think it would be that much.” I said honestly, feeling my heart flutter inside. Whether it was his actions or his words, they all made me feel shaky, though I didn’t show it.
It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that normally, no matter how I feel, I always show a calm demeanor; it’s become part of me. No matter how chaotic it is inside, I stay calm on the outside, and it’s been a long time since my heart was this turbulent.
“It’s like that, damn, aren’t you overdoing it? Just finished showering, just showing a bit of shoulder and chest, and my hair’s wet, I’m just…you’re even better than a porn star, I’m telling you.”
“…” I was taken aback because I didn’t expect him to compare like that. I can say I’m just an ordinary guy who isn’t sexy or appealing in any way, but he seemed to be struggling so much that he was upset at himself for reacting this way, “Uh…” “What, I’m trying to keep my composure here!” He exclaimed loudly.
“…”
“Calm down.” I said, “Take deep breaths.”
“Why does the one who made me lose my mind have to help me regain it? How come you’re more composed than me when I’m the one messing with you?”
“Try thinking about your dad’s face. Did you enjoy the meal with Direk today?” “…” He fell silent upon hearing what I said, looking stunned for almost half a minute before he spoke, “Uh, it was…okay, what’s this about?”
…
“It’s to change what you’re thinking about, so you stop thinking about what just happened.”
“While you’re standing there in my clothes, and you want me to think about
Direk? Oh, shit, now I’ve got a headache.”
“Did it help?”
“A little, let me call Direk for a moment.”
“Okay, try it. Let him help you regain your composure.”
“Yeah, okay, wait here.”
“Hmm.”
…
Arthit
“Direk.”
(What now?)
“What should I do?”
(Huh? What’s with you?)
“It’s like…I got aroused, you know, because the short guy just took a shower. With my imagination going wild, I was picturing things, and then he walks out, all damp, wearing my shirt that’s way too big, you can see his chest and shoulders a bit, he’s so white, not that the whiteness matters, it’s just him. I went crazy, like something snapped and I lost my mind. He smells so good, so soft, I wanted to…I wanted it so bad.”
(You got aroused, that’s what you’re saying.)
“Yeah, that’s it, damn, I was aroused, really bad.”
(Did you do anything to him?)
“Use his neck. Suck on his neck too, so damn fragrant, is it pheromones? I’m dizzy, damn it.”
(He has parents, Arthit.)
“I know, damn it. Who grows out of mold, anyway?”
(You like him. It’s not strange, especially when you’re infatuated with him.) “Really? But I’ve never felt like this before.”
(You like him, that’s why he’s different from others. You’re head over heels without even realizing it, you fool.)
“And survive for three nights, will we make it?”
(Hey?)
“Hmm.”
(Just keep your composure, Arthit. If you can do that, he’ll definitely like you.)
“Damn, but he said he’s opened his heart.”
(Yeah, he’s made the effort to open up, and you go drooling over him, you bastard.)
“A little more and it would be drool hanging from a kite.”
(Oh, damn, I can’t take it, don’t say things like that to him, you bastard.)
“Just kidding, I wouldn’t say that to him.”
(Really?)
“Really, at most just general vulgarity. I’m not that kind of person. I don’t talk dirty in bed.”
(Good, feeling better now?)
“Yeah, feeling better, Direk, you’re a lifesaver, thanks a lot.”
(Sigh, why, why do I have to have a son like you?) Direk let out a big sigh, (He’s cute, so take good care of him. He’s just tiny, don’t be too rough or he’ll get bruised all over.)
“Yeah, he’s really small. I’m not that big either, but my shirt is so loose on him.”
(You’re not big, my ass, your muscles are as big as my head.)
“Head of what?”
(Shoulder, that’s what.)
“Ke, he told me to think about your face while I was trying to stay composed.”
(Shit) Direk burst out laughing loudly, (Really?)
“Really. I was thinking, uh…what does my dad’s face look like?” (Damn, want to put my picture on your bedpost, you bastard, such a pervert.)
“Kidding. But thinking about you did help, it was him who told me to calm down, it’s just so damn confusing.” I said, laughing along now that everything was back to normal, the one who was affected is more composed than me, the one who caused it, damn, “Direk.”
(What?)
“Direk.”
(What’s with you?)
“Direk.”
(What the hell are you calling for?)
“I like him, I really do.”
(Then go tell him, why are you telling me?)
“I’ve told him morning, noon, and night, I think. I like him, I like him a lot, I like him so much I don’t know what to do about it, damn.”
(Can’t you just keep it in your pants?)
“Keep what in my pants, if I keep it in, I can’t even hug him.”
(Yeah, you’re right about that.)
“I’m hanging up now, going back to him.”
(Is everything back to normal?)
“Yes, all good, tonight will definitely pass smoothly.”
And then I hung up from Direk after acting crazy for a while. I don’t know what it was, but just seeing him walk out of the bathroom made me feel exactly as I described to Direk. I lost my mind for a moment until he helped me regain it and pushed me away. Truth is, that push wasn’t strong enough to really move me, but I backed off willingly.
After that, I was irritated and didn’t even understand myself. I was irritated because I had to feel this way about this short guy. I knew he still couldn’t handle all my feelings, but damn, I couldn’t control myself.
But it really is that much, you know, just seeing him makes me almost crazy, like I’m so damn in love I don’t even know if he’ll accept it.
I opened the door and found that little guy seemingly searching for something in the wardrobe.
“What are you doing?”
“Looking for a small blanket.”
“Up top.”
“Oh.”
I reached up to grab the blanket from the top shelf, but before I could pull it out, I found myself close to him, so instead, I hugged him from behind. He stiffened and seemed unsure of what to do.
“Sorry.”
“…”
“I don’t understand it myself, I just told you a moment ago. Didn’t mean to.”
“Oh…it’s okay.”
“Does it hurt?”
“It doesn’t hurt.”
“I don’t know what’s happening to me.” I lowered my head to rest on his small, fragile shoulder, “But I like you.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I really do, I like you so much I don’t know what to do anymore.”
…
Daotok
The embrace from behind didn’t make me feel too uncomfortable. Right now, I feel like he doesn’t dare to hold me tightly, laying his face gently on my shoulder. I could sense his voice sounding almost like a plea.
What I thought a few minutes ago about it being too much must be true. His feelings for me are overwhelming, so much so that I, who have just started, can’t keep up.
He’s said he likes me countless times. It’s not that he doesn’t value those words, but he truly means it, like he likes me so much he doesn’t know where to put it, so it spills out in words.
“Uh-huh, I understand.”
“Understand what?”
“When you said you like me …”
“Oh, hmm.” and he hugged me a bit tighter, “How much do you like me?”
“Not as much as you like me, for sure.”
“I’m not expecting that.”
“Oh…” No.
Because if one day I start liking him, it won’t be any less than how much he likes me.
“I don’t like you…that much yet, but I’ve…opened up a lot. So, can you not scare me again?”
“I’ll try.” He said in a softer voice than usual, “What’s my score now?”
“Minus one, for scaring me.”
“No, I’ve realized my mistake, let’s call it even at zero.”
“Oh…you want zero?”
“…”
“I saw that you realized your mistake, so I’ll give you two…minus one leaves one, but if you want zero, that’s okay.”
“One, give me one.”
“Okay.” I secretly smiled, thinking he wouldn’t know that I’m slowly opening up and gradually liking him more and more. I’m aware of it. Just look at everything he does. It’s just that I haven’t liked him that much yet because it’s just the beginning. “Sigh, you must have put something in that omelet in San Francisco, are you into witchcraft or something?” He asked playfully, then released me from the hug and reached for a blanket.
“Yes, witchcraft.”
“What kind?”
“Archery buffalo curse.”
“Trying to kill me, huh?”
“Yes.”
“And here I thought I got one point.” He said with a good-natured laugh, no longer seeming as troubled as before. While he was out talking on the phone, I dried my hair and used a safety pin to keep my shirt from being too loose. Luckily, I found one in the closet; it must have fallen from one of the shirts in there, “Come on, be my boyfriend already, you do like me.”
“Just a little.” I said, taking the blanket and hugging it as I walked to the sofa with him following behind, “Aren’t you going to shower?”
“I’ll shower if you stand guard.”
“No.”
“Oh, I’ll shower first then.”
“Uh-huh.”
And then he went into the bathroom with a towel and a change of clothes. I sat down on the sofa and plugged my phone into the charger on the table. The thought of sneaking out when he’s asleep was still there, but thinking about it, would he even sleep? He just took a nap, and he probably stays up late like me.
“Why take the blanket if you’re going to sleep on the sofa?” He walked out of the bathroom and remarked immediately. He was in a black tank top and long pants, the black tank top looking good on him, especially with the tattoo peeking out from his shoulder, along with his muscular arms that showed he worked out a lot. I averted my eyes before he teased me for staring.
“Uh-huh.”
“Go sleep in the bed, it’s better.”
“No.”
“Hey.”
“No.”
“Want me to carry you?”
“Want me to deduct points?” I threatened. I didn’t want to do this, but I wouldn’t let him take advantage or be pushy anymore.
“Damn, you’re negotiating.”
“Yes.”
“Think I’m scared or something?”
“…Aren’t you scared?”
“No, minus is minus, the score is secondary, the main thing is I want to be with you.” He said with a relaxed tone. I let out a small sigh, that’s right…this is Phii Arthit after all, “So, you’ll sleep on the sofa?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, I’ll spare you tonight, considering I did something wrong to you.” He said before laying out a blanket on the floor next to the sofa.
“What are you doing?”
“I want to be close, that’s why.”
“Oh…why not go sleep in the nice bed?”
“Will you go to bed?”
“No.”
“Then I’ll stay here.”
“…”
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