NORTHHOWMUCHISYOURLOVE, Chapter 33 part 1
Chapter 33: Epilogue
Our places : )
I looked out at the view outside intently as we were driving around the outskirts of the city. Right now, it wasn’t snowing, but there was still snow covering everything – rooftops, trees, roads, all white.
It’s a bit of a shame we missed seeing the snow fall, since this is the end of the winter season.
“If we keep driving, where will we end up?”
“Bergen.”
“Wow, that’s far, right?”
“Yes.”
“Can I turn on some music?”
“Of course.”
I zoned out again, listening to the soothing music playing, driving on the road outside the city. The beautiful scenery along with the nice music made me feel so relaxed, as if all the accumulated fatigue was totally gone.
It feels like I could stay like this forever…
With this person…
I glanced at the person driving and found myself smiling.
“You’re really good at driving.”
“Really?”
“Yes, but the first time I rode with you, I was very scared.” I started a conversation, “You drove so fast.”
“I’m used to it.”
“But lately, you’ve been driving slower.”
“Because you were scared.” “Ha ha.” I laughed dryly at him, feeling embarrassed once again in my heart. I love it when he says he’s willing to change something for me. “You used to race cars too, didn’t you?”
“Uh-huh.”
“You don’t race anymore?”
“Not anymore.”
“Actually, I secretly want to see you race.”
“You want to see?”
“Yes, but…” I paused, “Better not, it’s dangerous. Plus, there are lots of girls around.”
“Hmm.” Phii Joe gave a slight smile, “No time for racing anyway.”
“But you don’t have much work these days.”
“It’s better to spend time with a certain person around here.” Said the person in the driver’s seat, reaching over to gently pinch my cheek. I turned to give him a wide smile.
“Exactly, better to be with me.”
We kept driving until we stopped on the side of the road, an open area covered with snow. Looking a bit further, it seemed to become like a hill and there appeared to be a small village.
“Snow!” I said excitedly as I got out of the car. Once outside, I immediately felt the cold. It was so warm in the car just moments ago, “This is the first time I’ve seen snow.”
“Be careful not to slip.” Phii Joe warned as I started running towards an open area. Upon hearing this, I stopped running and walked carefully instead, squatting down and touching the snow with my hand.
“Wow, it’s cold. Can I play with it?”
“Go ahead.” “Yay!” I sat down on a snow pile, scooping up the white, icy fluff, and turned to see Phii Joe looking at me with an affectionate gaze. I lifted my camera to capture the views around, “The snow here, it’s like being inside a snow globe.”
My words made Phii Joe slightly furrowed his brows.
“Really, it’s like when you go to the zoo and enter the snow dome area.”
“Hmm.”
“But a snow dome definitely doesn’t have such beautiful views.” I said excitedly again, “And the ticket for a snow dome is expensive, you only get the cold.” I stood up and walked towards a small village nearby.
The houses and structures here are quite unusual, but I thought they were beautiful, especially with these trees, just like in movies or pictures.
I secretly took a picture of Phii Joe while he was looking elsewhere, and I smiled to myself at the photo I captured.
Just looking at the picture makes me smile, huh? You’re having too much of an effect on my heart, North…
After enjoying the view and taking enough photos, we drove back to the city because we had to return the rental car on time. We planned to rent the car for just one day and then move on to other places. We had already checked into our hotel in the city center before renting the car.
“Thanks for letting me drive around, the view was breathtaking.” I said, smiling widely before looking down at the camera to browse through the photos again. I feel like I’ve been smiling so much my cheeks hurt, “Shall we go for a walk in the city?”
“Hmm.”
We wandered around the city, stopping at tourist spots to take photos, and had dinner. By evening, it got even colder.
“It’s really cold, isn’t it?” “Want to hold hands?”
“Yeah.” I smiled broadly and took my hand out of my coat pocket, reaching for the hand of the person walking beside me.
So warm…
I love his hand so much, it’s always warm.
Can we hold hands like this for a long time?
“Fog?” I exclaimed in surprise as suddenly fog descended. I had seen a review once mentioning that sometimes when the sun is about to set, fog might come down, but I didn’t expect to encounter it myself.
Wow…
We walked to the edge of a wall that was about chest-high, below which was the sea. From here, you could see the city on the other side, but because of the fog, it wasn’t very clear, though you could see the lights shining from there.
It’s like a city from a fairy tale.
You probably won’t find a view like this anywhere else in the world.
I was mesmerized by the sight for a long time until the fog began to clear, and then the sun was setting instead. The sky started to turn orange, displaying a gradient of colors. The scene before me almost stopped my heart again; it was so beautiful. I want to remember this image for as long as I can.
I’ll remember that I stood here and watched this magnificent view with the person I love the most.
I’ll remember it very well…
“Let’s take a photo.” I said once I had finished taking pictures of the view. We took a couple of photos together and watched until the sun disappeared from sight.
I posted our photo with the orange sky and the setting sun in the background. Not long after, I noticed Phii Joe posted a photo too, but it wasn’t of us together or the view; it was a picture of me with my back to his camera because I was holding my camera taking a photo of the sky.
I was slightly surprised why he chose to post a photo of me instead of the view or us together, but when I saw the caption, I couldn’t help but smile.
The caption read, ‘My view :)’
“Is this what they call a starry night sky?” I asked. It was almost midnight now. We hadn’t returned to the hotel because I was too busy strolling and enjoying the view. I had heard Norway is a city that never sleeps, which might well be true; even at this late hour, the city lights were still bright and beautiful.
I looked up at the Norwegian night sky, full of twinkling stars. We sat down in the same area, close to where we watched the sun set in the evening.
If there are stars, it means the sky is clear, a good sign that there might be the Northern Lights.
We’ll be able to see the Northern Lights soon.
I took out my phone to take a picture of the sky full of stars, then turned to take a photo of the person next to me as well.
“I think I understand now.”
“Understand what?”
“Why Ter likes to take photos of Phii Hill. At first, I was puzzled why he took so many, Phii Hill looks the same every day.”
“And why is that?”
“Wanting to keep them just to look at on his own.” I said with an embarrassed smile, “And never get tired of looking.”
“You’re quite good at flirting too.” Phii Joe said before turning to look at me, the gentle breeze blowing, making his hair flutter, which made him even more appealing to look at. Right…
I think I understand now.
If I were to look, I could look all day. No, for a lifetime.
“But you’re not allowed to look back.” I said playfully because I can never maintain eye contact with Phii Joe for more than five seconds; I really am no match for those eyes.
“Hmm, that’s cheating then.”
“Cheating how?” I replied, pouting slightly.
“It’s cheating.”
“…”
“Who else in the world…”
“…”
“…could make me love them this much?”
“Then…Phii, you’re cheating too.”
“…”
“Who else in the world…”
“…”
“…could make me love you this much?”
I am one of those people who still believe in love. I’m not enchanted by the glitz or the excitement. I love the simplicity that can stay with us the longest.
I love every day when I wake up and someone is there to hug me.
I love making coffee for that person every morning.
Waking him up and giving him a good morning kiss.
I love the words of love, just saying that I love him the most. Just one word, but it’s meaningful because it comes from the heart, it’s all the feelings there are for this person.
Love you the most…that’s all. I want to see him happy every day, and I’m enchanted by that smile. I like it when he calls my name. I like it when he refers to himself as ‘Phii’. I like it when he drinks the coffee I make, the way he holds his pen when working, the way he rolls up his sleeves, his walking posture, I love it when he’s focused on something, the fresh clean scent that clings to me after we hug, his strong hands that embrace me, his hand reaching out to brush the hair from my face, squeezing my cheek with an affectionate look, his deep voice, every time he speaks or whispers softly in my ear. I’m captivated by those eyes, the sharp nose, the well-shaped lips, his fair skin, the tattoos on his arm and waist, the physique of someone who loves to work out.
The first time I saw Phii Johan was in a photo.
A man so handsome that everyone had to stop and look, with a casually styled hair, just a quick comb through as he liked, wearing a crucifix and black hoop earrings, a shirt, dark jeans, and blue sneakers, grinning at the camera as if he knew he was being secretly photographed.
Back then, I scrolled past that photo without much thought. Just another senior at the university who was very popular, surrounded by many rumors and people, someone who would never know someone like me.
But he…waited for me for three years.
If it were me, I would never have thought to like someone like him first, it seemed impossible that someone like Phii Joe, who had everything, would look at someone like me who had nothing.
But he walked into my life, acting as if he was just an ordinary man, and told me…that I was his lifelong dream.
It started with him reaching out to help, care, pay attention, and be kind. Even though initially it wasn’t very clear, he made it clearer every time we met, then he hugged me and whispered that I was his comfort. He showed that he needed me, gave me what I most wanted in life…to be someone’s place of rest, and told me he loved me on the day I needed to hear it the most.
He made me worry and miss him, becoming a part of my ordinary days, someone I wanted to see, the voice I wanted to hear, the warmth I craved, someone I wanted to entrust my heart to.
Before he disappeared on the day I was most concerned, he vanished to the other side of the world, during a time when it felt like my heart was taken with him. Every feeling was of worry…I’ve never felt this much, it swirled in my head for twenty-four hours, every minute, almost every second.
And on an unexpected day, he came back, clarified our status, told me he loved me again, making me want to reply a million times.
Agreeing, ‘okay’, a million times over.
Before I knew it, I couldn’t do without this man…
The one who took off his jacket to give to me on a bitterly cold day like no one else had ever done, the one who would stand in the rain to pick me up without caring if he got wet, and who made me willing to get wet in the rain just to meet him.
The one who would eat sweets despite not liking them because I made them, the one who dislikes the heat but still came to watch over me, the one who smoked but quit because I asked him to, the one who wouldn’t drink so he could drive me home, the one who used to be very flirtatious but stopped for me, the one who started working hard because he said he wanted to be my support, the one who made time for me no matter how busy he was, the one who took me to see movies and worked all night without sleep afterward.
The one who was jealous even of my smiles, the one who bought things for me just because I mentioned wanting them, the one who took me everywhere I wanted to go, the one who did everything to keep me from crying and to preserve my smile.
Everything he did for me,
I don’t know what to call it,
If not love.
“Have you ever been to Norway?” I asked casually, while still gazing at the stars.
“Once.”
“Did you see the stars like tonight?”
“I did.”
“Was it beautiful? Would there be a sky and stars more beautiful than tonight?”
“There’s no star more beautiful than this one.”
The person next to me said that before falling silent. I then turned to look, finding that he was already looking at me, with no intention of looking away.
“…”
“The sky looks much more beautiful now, you know.”
“Phii…”
“The stars are the same, how can they be this beautiful?” Phii Joe said while gently brushing my hair, those eyes that I often lose to looking at me as if they were captivated by something.
He said the sky and the stars were beautiful.
But he never turned to look at the sky or the stars.
Only to me…
“That’s right, the sky and the stars tonight are the most beautiful.”
The sky and the stars we look at together are the most beautiful.
And they’ll always be beautiful forever…
“Can we go to see more beautiful skies and stars together in many more places?” I asked, squeezing the same hand I hadn’t let go of yet. “Of course.” I love that slight smile he gives me, and the warm hand that reaches out to stroke my head. I immediately smiled broadly.
“Yes.”
We woke up early to take a ferry to the island where we would watch the northern lights. Initially, I was hesitant about which city to go to for the northern lights, but since I wanted to take the ferry, we decided to cross to the island. It took quite a while to get there. When checking into our accommodation, the owner said there was a chance to see the northern lights tonight, around 3 or 4 AM
“The northern lights, oh, I am so excited.” I said excitedly while looking at the photos on my camera.
“You’ve been excited since the airport.”
“Yes, I feel so energetic right now, I could climb mountains or dive.” I said, feeling extremely eager, like I was overflowing with energy even though I had slept just a little the night before.
“That’s right, how many batteries did you put in?”
“No batteries, I charged.”
“Charged?”
“Like this.” I said, immediately hugging Phii Joe. He looked slightly surprised before hugging me back.
“Is this charging the battery?”
“Yes.” before hugging him tighter and seeking warmth from him, “Battery’s full now.”
“But I’m not full yet.” Phii Joe leaned down to whisper in my ear, then lifted me up and placed me on the bed.
“Ouch.” I made a sound in my throat when the other suddenly kissed me quickly, trying to catch my breath and kiss back, “N…No, it’s still early.”
“Can’t I hug you in the morning?” “Y…Yes, we can hug. Just hugging.”
“Hmm, what did you think I was going to do?”
“…”
“So vulgar.”
“Not at all, it’s just you…” I protested a bit. It’s because he’s like that. How could I not think that, and then he carried me to the bed.
“Phii…why?”
“Um…I, like…uh.” I fell silent when he kissed me again. This time, the touch was gentler than before, slow and lingering.
“And is it okay? If not in the morning.”
“…Yes.”
Phii Joe smiled slightly, kissed my hand, then pulled me into a hug. Last night we stayed up late looking at the stars and had to wake up early to catch the boat. Being hugged like this by Phii Joe, the comforting scent of the person holding me made me drift off to sleep easily. By the time I woke up again, it was night. Phii Joe was the one who woke me.
“What time is it?”
“Ten o’clock.”
“What about the Northern Lights?”
“Shall we go see them?”
“Yes.” I agreed immediately without thinking much. It was almost time for the Northern Lights to appear as the accommodation owner had predicted. We had rented a car since we arrived for this exact purpose, to find a good spot to watch the Northern Lights. Initially, I was still groggy when I woke up, but as soon as I got in the car, I was wide awake.
We were at a spot slightly away from the village, facing a lake. Being away from the village made this area quite dark and deserted, just the two of us in the cold. I set up the camera to capture the Northern Lights, and after setting it up, I sat down to wait.
“I’m so excited, do you think they’ll come?”
“Uh, it should be here.”
“Yeah, the owner already said so, and I checked the weather, it’s clear, there’s a chance to see the northern lights.” I said excitedly, then leaned my face against the arm of the person next to me and reached for his hand.
We waited nearly half an hour and still no northern lights.
“Hmm. Nothing yet.”
“It’ll come soon.”
“We have to be patient.” I told myself; for something like this, patience is key. Besides, sitting here with Phii Joe isn’t bad at all, it’s even enjoyable, sitting together, holding hands, and waiting.
“It’s here, it’s here!”
I couldn’t help but shout out loudly with joy. It’s good that no one else was around here; it was the northern lights, just as I had seen in photos, moving like in its name, Aurora-dancing. It was a light of faint white and green on the completely dark sky, which gradually became more vivid.
I felt as if I were in a trance; its beauty almost pulled my heart out.
Beautiful…
So beautiful.
The northern lights stayed like that for almost five minutes until I came back to my senses and rushed to check the camera to see if it was recording, and found it was still filming, and the lights hadn’t disappeared yet.
“Take pictures, pictures!” I said excitedly and took photos of us together with the northern lights in the background. I was so excited my heart was pounding, and I didn’t know what to do anymore. It was truly beautiful.
It’s fitting to be the dream of many people, something you must see with your own eyes at least once in your life.
“It’s so beautiful, those who live here must see this almost every day.”
“Right.”
“Wow, I’m so jealous.” I said, my gaze still fixed on the green light above. It stayed for a long time, so we sat back down to watch and enjoy the atmosphere.
“My hand is red.” I said, showing it to Phii Joe. Before, I had gloves on, but because I wanted to take pictures, it was awkward with gloves on, so I quickly took them off and forgot to put them back on.
“Put on the gloves.”
“Yes.” I agreed readily and put on the gloves immediately, “Thank you again for bringing me here, it must have been a lot of trouble for you, especially with all the expenses.” I said, feeling quite guilty at first about how much it must have cost.
But Phii Joe still said he would bring me.
“It’s fine.”
“…”
“It’s worth it for me.”
“Ah…”
“North…just seeing you happy, anything is worth it.”
“And what about you, Phii, are you having fun?”
“Of course, I am.”
“That’s great, I am glad that you like it.”
“It’s because the guide is good.” Phii Joe said, reaching out to gently pinch my cheek.
“Make sure to hire this guide again next time.” I said, giving a broad smile that was just for Phii Joe. I had never smiled this often or with such happiness before. “Can I hire this guide to travel with me for life?”
“Sure, but…”
“Hmm?”
“There’s a fee, you know.”
“How much?”
I touched one of my cheeks with my finger. Phii Joe gave a small smile at my action before leaning in close and kissing my cheek.
“Thank you for the fee, and from now on, I’ll ask for a fee once per trip.”
Phii Joe didn’t say anything back, just looked at me with an affectionate gaze and reached out to gently stroke my head.
We chatted about various things that had happened, all while the Northern Lights were still in view. I looked at the person sitting next to me, my heart filled with nothing but love and gratitude.
“In the future, I will take you on trips.”
“You’re already taking me on a trip now.”
“No, I mean, saving up money by myself, to take you traveling.” I said, feeling a bit shy, but one day I will definitely do that. “Is there any place you particularly want to go?”
“As long as there’s you. I’ll go anywhere, North.”
“Really, Phii?”
“Uh-huh.”
“I feel the same.”
“Hmm.”
“With you, Phii. I will go anywhere.”
I let out a small laugh at my own words before my chin was gently turned towards him and his warm lips softly touched mine. I was slightly startled before closing my eyes and accepting those touches, our hands clasped together. Soon, he withdrew his lips, and our foreheads gently touched.
“Anywhere?”
“Yes.” I smiled in agreement, “North wants to sit and watch the stars with you again, stand and watch sunset together, no matter where in the world, I want to see those sights with you again.”
“Let’s go to all those places together again.”
“Yes, let’s go together.”
Go together…
Even if the sky, the stars, sun, or the moon changes,
The person watching together
Will still be the same…always.
Special Chapter: Moonlight, wine, and you
“Have fun, see you soon.” I said into the phone. We talked for a bit before Ter hung up. Currently, Ter is traveling in Japan with Phii Hill. Japan is about two hours ahead of Thailand, so it’s already my birthday there.
My birthday…
Honestly, I don’t place much importance on my birthday. I’m not sure why, I remember it, but I don’t really care. As I grew up, birthdays stopped being as exciting as they were when I was a kid. I’ve told my family to stop organizing birthday parties since my second year of middle school because I thought it wasn’t necessary, plus it was wasteful.
Now, it’s past 8 PM after our trip to Norway with Phii Joe. For the rest of the break, I had to go back home, while Phii Joe had to stay at his condo because of work. Phii Prang mentioned he hasn’t been sleeping much for days. Again…it’s like this again. He’s so focused on his work that he forgets about himself.
That’s why someone here is always thinking about him.
I still worry about him like always…
We last talked in the afternoon. Phii Joe didn’t seem okay. I wonder how he is now. It seems like he’s quite concerned about my birthday, probably feeling bad that he can’t be free, but I’ve assured him it’s really not a big deal to me.
Yet, Phii Joe is still rushing to finish his work to make it in time for my birthday, barely taking any breaks. He’s doing it for me again…
I want him to know it’s not a big deal. If it means he has to exhaust himself like this, it’s not worth it for me. I want him to realize that he is the most important thing.
But no matter how much I tell him, he doesn’t listen.
Stubborn…
He always says I’m stubborn, but he’s the one who’s really stubborn.
I sat there, staring at my phone screen, waiting for a notification from someone. It’s past 8 PM and he still hasn’t gone back to his room, or maybe the work isn’t going smoothly, or something else went wrong. He mentioned someone at work made a mistake, which according to Phii Joe’s schedule, the work should have been finished before my birthday, but because of that mistake, it’s delayed, and it won’t be ready in time for my birthday. Phii Prang told me that the person who made the mistake got scolded by Phii Joe, and now they’re scared of him.
I understand, if it were me, I’d be scared too, T^T
I took a large jacket that was lying next to the bed and wrapped myself in it. It’s Phii Joe’s jacket that I secretly brought home with me. If he’s not here to hug me, I wouldn’t be able to sleep. Even though it might seem a bit like I’m a psychopath, at least when I cover myself with it at night, I can faintly smell him, and it helps me sleep.
Nevertheless, I didn’t go to sleep and chose to wait instead. Time passed until it was well past midnight, I kept playing games on my phone until suddenly, a call came through with the name I had been waiting for all these hours. I opened my eyes wide with joy and quickly answered the call.
“Phii…is the work done?” I asked.
(Um, are you asleep yet?)
“Not yet.”
(Don’t tell me you’re waiting.)
“Yeah. I won’t say it then.”
(Tell me to sleep first.)
“I don’t want to.”
(Stubborn.)
“It’s you who’s stubborn.” I began to argue, but this kind of argument made me unable to hide my smile. It had only been a few hours, but why did I miss this voice so much? “Have you reached your room yet?”
(Not yet, I just left the company.)
“Finished just now?”
(Um) and then I heard a sound like a car unlocking with a remote. (Happy birthday, by the way.)
“Thanks.”
(Was I the first to tell you?)
“Well, actually, Ter called to tell me before, but let’s not count that because you were the first after midnight.” I said happily. Ter’s call was more like an early birthday wish.
(Should I wish you well?)
“Ha ha, it’s okay. I guess you’re not that good at giving blessings.”
(Sorry I couldn’t be there with you.)
“It’s okay, you’re here now, aren’t you?”
(On the phone, you mean?)
“Yeah. That’s enough. Just hearing your voice is enough for me.” I said, accidentally smiling to myself.
“Phii…” I called out again.
(What?)
“No, it’s not.”
(What’s wrong?)
“Oh, I just miss you so much.” I said softly, unknowingly letting out a slight smile, my heart beginning to beat a bit faster thinking about the person at the other end of the line.
“Don’t drive too fast, okay? Even if there aren’t many cars on the road.” I said when I heard the sound of the car starting. I often tell Phii Joe this, but I know he already knows. I just want to remind him.
(I know.)
“Can we talk while you drive?”
(Why would I call if we couldn’t?) I chuckled slightly when I heard that, guessing he had the speakers on because of the echo. Just Phii Joe calling makes me feel this good, huh?
“How’s work going?”
(Hmm, not so great.)
“Oh…” I fell silent for a moment. I could sense from the first sentence that Phii Joe sounded tired. “Not going smoothly, huh, the work?”
(Yeah.)
“Are you okay?” I asked, furrowing my brows with concern.
(Not really.)
“You can tell me, you know.”
(Hmm.)
“Can you tell me?”
(What about?)
“About your day today.”
(There’s nothing to it.)
“I want to listen, okay? Tell me a bit.” I started to insist until Phii Joe reluctantly shared. I don’t really understand much, I just want to be there to listen, catching the gist that there were mistakes at work again. Phii Joe said he shouldn’t have delegated important tasks to others, he should have handled that part himself from the start.
“So, you have to sit and redo the work again tonight…”
(On your actual birthday, you have to listen to bad news.)
“No, it’s not bad news if it’s about you, has it gotten any better?”
(Not really.)
“North doesn’t quite get it, so he can’t really advise or help find a solution, but I want to tell you that North is always there for you.”
(It might not seem special, but I know you aren’t going anywhere) it would be funny if I told him not to stress, which is impossible. Right now, his whole body must be too tired, making him exhausted. I just want to emphasize that I’m still here with you.
“So let’s hug to recharge our batteries.”
(Um, come here.)
“Oh, sorry for not being there with you too.” (It’s fine. Just hearing your voice is good enough.) “I really want to dive through the phone to find you.” (Are you flirting?)
“Yeah, I want to flirt.”
(Let me see the face of yours; my flirtatious one) It seems like Phii Joe has returned to his room. I heard the sound of the door unlocking. I can picture Phii Joe throwing his stuff away and collapsing onto the sofa in exhaustion.
It’s an image I often see when waiting for him to come back to the room.
But this time, I wasn’t in the room.
And the call turned into a video chat instead, but only I had my camera on, me in my pajamas, looking sleepy.
“Cheater. You’re not turning on your camera?”
(No)
“Turn on your camera, please, come on.”
The other side finally turned on the camera. I saw Phii Joe holding the phone with one hand, the other hand pulling off his tie. Even after working hard all day, he still looks…handsome.
“Are you wearing a suit?”
(Yeah. I have a meeting in the morning.)
“I rarely see you in a suit.”
(I don’t like them, they’re hot.)
“Hmm.” I nodded in understanding. I’ve seen him in one before. I think he looks really good, Phii Joe with his hair styled, wearing a suit and tie. It might sound like I’m praising my own boyfriend, but he really does look good; it suits him in a different way. “Are you about to work now?” I asked when I saw him move to sit at his desk.
(Yeah.)
“Coffee?”
(Make some for me.)
“Ugh.” I pouted slightly, “I miss that time.”
(What time?)
“The first time we talked, on the phone, when I was watching you work.”
(Oh.)
“Do I need to be quiet like back then now?”
(No need.)
“Then why did I have to be quiet back then?” I asked, recalling the first time we talked on the phone; he told me to keep the line open and be quiet. I remember watching him work until I fell asleep on the table.
(Just wasn’t used to your voice yet.)
“Really?”
(Yeah.)
“Then North can talk now, right?” I said with a shy smile.
(I never forbade it anymore.)
“I have a lot of questions he wants to ask.”
(Say it.)
“Could you tell me how you felt the first time you met me?”
(First time, at the bar?)
Phii Joe asked back while setting down his phone and picking up some documents to look at. I love watching him when he works. When Phii Joe is focused on something, it’s really captivating to look at.
“Yes.”
(Angry?)
“Oh…yeah, that’s true, and why did you need to scold me like that, you were really scary, you know.” (Were you scold-worthy?) “Ha ha, well, I was kind of scold-worthy.” (Um, everything you do seems scold-worthy, forgetting everything and making me worry every day.)
“Ugh… shouldn’t have asked to get scolded like that.” I said, lowering my voice and frowning again. “And by the way, my mom asked about you, saying why don’t you come over during the holidays?”
(I’ll go. After the work is done.)
“Yay, tell me which day you’re coming, I’ll prepare a good welcome.” I said happily.
(And how was your birthday?)
“Same as every year. Nothing special, my mom, my aunt, and Night bought me stuff.”
(What did they buy?)
“Mom bought a watch, my aunt bought shoes, Night bought me some sweets.”
(Don’t you want anything? I haven’t bought you anything yet.)
“Oh…actually, you’ve already bought me a lot of things, Phii.” I said, thinking about the handmade gift I intended to give Phii Joe but hadn’t yet. I brought it back to work on at home, just finished it myself, I’ll give it to him the next time we meet.
(Don’t you want anything at all?)
“I want something.”
(What?)
“Tell me you love me.”
(Just that?)
“Not just that, come on, tell me you love me.”
(Phii love you, North.)
“Yes, North loves you too, Phii.” I said with a wide smile. I didn’t want any special gifts from Phii Joe. He’s given me plenty already. (If you were nearby, I wouldn’t have been able to resist.) “What?” (Nothing.) “Oh, what?”
(It’s cute, just be less cute sometimes.)
“…”
“You like to threaten me.”
(Have I only ever threatened?)
“See, you’re good at teasing.” I pouted and looked away for a moment. I kept watching Phii Joe work, chatting about various things, starting to notice that Phii Joe was getting more focused on his work. So, I didn’t dare to interrupt further and just watched quietly.
Oh, his eyebrows are furrowing…
(Why so quiet?)
“I didn’t want to disturb you.”
(Not sleepy?)
“I’m getting sleepy now.”
(You can sleep first, you know.)
“Back then, you used to make me stay up with you.” I mumbled.
(Do you like being forced?)
“No, but I like staying with you.”
Phii Joe didn’t reply. He just gave a small smile at my words.
“Have you eaten anything yet, this evening? No, I mean, today?”
(Oh…I ate this morning.)
“What about lunch?” (Coffee.) “You’re being stubborn again, I told you to eat.” (Forgot.) “How could you forget?” (Normally, I eat with you, North.) “Ugh.” I pouted, feeling annoyed. Usually, Phii Joe doesn’t eat much. If he’s too busy with work, but if I’m around, he’ll come eat with me, or he’ll always have food ready in the room. If he buys food, I make sure we eat together, “Take care of yourself a bit.”
The other side didn’t respond, just turned to look this way.
“Take care of yourself for the sake of the person here who’s worrying to death, Phii.”
(Understood. No need to make that pouting face.)
I let out a small sigh, and couldn’t stay annoyed because of that smile, “I really want to be there with you.”
(Hmm.)
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there, you’ve truly been working hard lately.”
(It’s okay, I’ve seen your face now.)
“But meeting in person would be better, right?”
(Stop being so clingy, do you want me to abandon my work or what?)
“No. I don’t want you to abandon your work at all.”
(Then don’t cling so much. If you don’t want me to leave my work to come find you.)
And we kept chatting. I mentioned being hungry. I tend to get hungry late at night, a habit I picked up from living with Phii Joe. Whenever I was hungry, there was always something to eat, the fridge stocked full. But back home, I don’t eat much, my mom doesn’t like keeping lots of snacks around because she often forgets about them, leaving them in the fridge.
“I’m so sleepy.” (You can sleep, I’ll stay up.) “I should be the one staying up. You’re the one working.” (Go on.) “You’re stubborn, just like you always are.”
(Always good at arguing, aren’t you?)
“Haha, like you said, I never change.” I said with a cheerful smile.
I was so caught up chatting with Phii Joe that I completely forgot it was my birthday, too worried about whether he got any rest. After a while, due to how sleepy I was, the familiar deep voice and the faint scent from Phii Joe’s shirt that I had sneakily draped over myself without him noticing because I was scared he’d catch me stealing his shirt…
I don’t know when I fell asleep…
I jolted awake, rubbing my eyes slightly. When did I fall asleep? The room light was still on.
Half past three?
What about Phii Joe?
He must have hung up…
I quickly checked the chat to see if he had left any message, but there was nothing. He probably hung up because he went to sleep. If he’s asleep, I shouldn’t disturb him, even though I promised to watch him work but ended up falling asleep first. Sigh, North, North.
Feeling hungry, I went down to the kitchen to get something to eat, but there was nothing there as usual, so I reluctantly went back upstairs. Since I was just awake, I couldn’t fall back asleep and just played on my phone. I saw the latest post on Instagram from Ter.
Ter and Phii Hill had posted pictures of their trip to Japan.
How nice, they get to be together. It’s true I never sulk or feel jealous, not even a little. Phii Joe is already swamped with work. But if it were possible…just for five minutes, I’d really like to be together on my birthday like this.
Missing him always makes me feel weaker…
If I could ask for a birthday wish this year…
Could I ask for a hug from you?
I was startled by the sudden ring of my phone; after zoning out for a while, the screen showed that Phii Joe was calling.
“It’s past four in the morning already…?”
I raised my eyebrows in slight surprise while looking at the screen and quickly accepted the call.
“Yes, haven’t you gone to sleep yet?”
(Not yet, are you still awake?)
“Yes, I woke up suddenly, I guess because I’m hungry.” I said playfully, laughing a bit at the other end of the line, “And what about the work?”
(It’s done.)
“Really? That was quick, didn’t you say there was a lot of work?”
(Well, it’s done now.)
“You’re amazing, you’re the best, really.”
(Are you hungry?)
“Yeah, I’m hungry, the fridge is pretty empty.”
(And are you going to sleep now?)
“I’m about to sleep.”
(Really?)
“Yes, I’m lying on the bed.” I said. I was indeed lounging on the bed.
(I don’t see the lights off in your room.)
“Phii…how did you know?” (Open your window.)
I jumped out of bed in shock upon hearing those words, quickly rushing to open the curtains.
Phii Joe…
I saw Phii Joe leaning against his fancy Audi, one hand holding the phone to his ear because he was talking to me, looking up to meet my eyes.
His other hand was holding
a bouquet of flowers…
(Come down here for a bit.)
“…”
(I brought a late-night meal, special service just for my one and only.)
“…”
I rushed down to meet Phii Joe so quickly I was scolded for almost falling. The night air was quite chilly since it was very late. The surroundings were quiet and dimly lit, and in front of me was a man giving me an enchanting smile.
With a large bouquet of flowers…
“Happy Birthday.”
“Phii…”
I accepted the bouquet without hesitation, then immediately threw myself into his embrace, lifted off the ground by his strong arms. I tightened my grip to hold him even closer.
“Thank you, thank you.”
“You’re being so clingy, aren’t you the one who said it’s okay?”
“Yeah. It’s okay.” I said softly, pouting as he slowly set me down, “It’s okay if we don’t meet, but it’s much better when we do.” “Better than seeing me through the phone?” “Much, much better.” I smiled broadly, hugging him again, this time in a long, tight embrace to express all the longing I felt. I looked up at Phii Joe from up close, his familiar handsome face tinged with fatigue but still smiling at me.
I stood on my tiptoes to lightly touch my lips to his.
My action made him smile even wider before he reached to pull me closer by the back of my neck, kissing me again, letting our breaths mingle for a while before slowly pulling away.
Since it was still early and my mom wouldn’t mind if Phii Joe visited, I opened the gate for him to drive in, brought him inside the house, and turned on the kitchen light for better visibility.
“Thank you, you bought a lot.” I thanked him again, placing the McDonald’s bag he brought on the kitchen table, “Is this for two people?”
“We’ll eat, you’re not eating?”
“No, we have to eat together.”
“Forcing me?”
“Yes, I am forcing you, can I force you?”
“You can. You’re my boyfriend after all.” Phii Joe said with a slight smile before sitting at the dining table.
“Ha ha, let’s consider it a special privilege of being your boyfriend.” I replied shyly, unpacking the food from the bag and arranging it on plates. “The flowers are beautiful, thank you again.”
“Um, consider it a small birthday gift.”
“Thank you.” I beamed, looking at the bouquet in my hand, from Phii Joe. I should put these in a nice vase. I arranged them into a vase, but it was one from the living room, maybe I’ll sneak it into my bedroom later.
After we finished eating, we went back to my room. Missing him made me dive into another hug, sitting on the bed as we often did when together. I leaned back against him out of habit, and Phii Joe wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer, nuzzling his nose against my neck and then up to my ear.
“Hey, that tickles.” I whispered, trying to dodge slightly, but he held me firm. “You must be exhausted after working so hard, and you still came to see me without resting.”
“I’m not tired anymore.” Phii Joe said while gently stroking my hair.
“Really not tired?”
“Really.”
I didn’t reply, just turned to kiss his cheek where I was leaning against him. We sat there for a while, and then rain started to fall outside.
“It’s raining out of nowhere.” I remarked, looking out the window. “Good thing it didn’t rain when you were driving here.”
“What if it did?”
“If I knew you drove through the rain to get here, I would definitely get a migraine.”
“Worried?”
“Extremely.”
He didn’t respond, just gave a small smile at the corner of his mouth, then pressed his lips firmly against my cheek as if to nibble.
“You’re such a stubborn person, you know that?” His deep voice whispered near my ear. No matter how many times, I was never used to this, making me startle slightly.
“Haha, I didn’t even realize.” I replied.
“And this…?” I turned to look when the conversation paused, seeing Phii Joe holding up the shirt I had secretly taken. Oh no…I didn’t hide it in time. “Uh…” I fell silent, my demeanor obviously suspicious while my mind was racing to come up with an excuse, “It must have gotten mixed up. I didn’t mean to take it.”
“This shirt should be in the closet.” Phii Joe said with a sly tone, “Or am I mistaken?”
“Oh…yeah, I…borrowed it.” I said the last part in a whisper, almost inaudible. I don’t know why I’m so bad at lying.
“Why?” He asked while still leaning down, his face close, his breath tickling my neck, making me frown and tense my shoulders.
“I…I…couldn’t sleep.”
“Couldn’t sleep?”
“Yeah, it’s a habit, you know. If you’re not there to hug me to sleep, I can’t sleep well. You know that.” I said, blushing, starting to bury my face in the blanket, “At least there was…uh, your scent.”
“Scent?”
“…Yeah, huh…don’t tease, okay? Don’t tease at all, I’ll really sulk.”
“Okay. Won’t tease.”
“Mhm.”
“So, this shirt isn’t needed tonight then.”
I nodded to show I understood the implication of what was said, and then we turned off the lights to sleep because Phii Joe was already very tired.
“Good night.”
“Good night.”
I offered my lips for a goodnight kiss like we do every night, and it wasn’t long before the person holding me drifted off to sleep due to accumulated exhaustion. I wasn’t that sleepy, so I turned to face him and just watched his sleeping face.
I reached out to gently stroke his cheek, just this simple act somehow giving me a profound sense of comfort.
At least today we got to be together.
I hope tomorrow is a good day for you.
Sleep well. I don’t want you to have nightmares.
“I love you so much, you know that?”
I whispered softly while my gaze remained fixed on the person in front of me, snuggling into the familiar warm embrace. I didn’t need much more than this to be very happy.
I slowly woke up to the sound of the alarm clock, even though it was ringing so loudly, yet the person holding me showed no signs of waking up, which is always the case when he’s tired.
But…
“Where are you going?”
If I tried to get up, Phii Joe would wake up immediately.
“To make breakfast, then we’ll go do some merit.”
“Make merit?”
“Yes, it’s my birthday, do you want to come along?”
“Um.”