NORTHHOWMUCHISYOURLOVE, Chapter 26 part 1

   Chapter 26: Only Mine

   “Phii…”

I called out softly to the person in front of me, furrowing my brows and pressing my lips tightly together, an overflow of emotions in my chest – joy, sadness, surprise, shock, all mixed together, before the corners of my eyes began to sting. I clenched the hand I had placed on the other’s shoulder.

“I didn’t tell you all this to make you cry.” Phii Joe said. At this moment, I was sitting on his lap, under the condition that one kiss was the price for answering one question. It took us a long time before I understood everything, and now, my lips hurt from all the kissing beforehand.

“Why…” I whispered softly, slowly leaning closer to him, shifting my hands from his shoulders into an embrace. Phii Joe tightened his hug and moved his hand to stroke my head in a comforting manner.

Why…

   Why did you wait for me for so long?

   Even though I’ve hardly done anything for him, why is he so good to me?

   Three years. For three whole years, someone has been waiting for me. Someone who sat across from me in the game shop late into the night, someone who had only me in his eyes, someone who thought of me almost all the time, someone willing to trade anything to keep my smile intact.

   “Huh…huh.” I let out a small sob as I reflected on Phii Joe’s words. I had no idea. I won’t say it was a mistake to date Ja, even though she eventually left me because at that time, I truly loved Ja. I had made my decision when I was with her, but…I just thought, why didn’t I know there was someone who loved me this much?

And now, I love him. All I can think is, why didn’t our timing match up sooner…

“Sorry…thank you.” I said with a sniffle, still crying. I had countless words I wanted to say, but they wouldn’t come together properly.

“Sigh…If I knew you’d cry like this, I wouldn’t have told you.”

“How could you not? It’s such a big deal…huh.”

“What’s bigger is you crying right now.” Phii Joe said with a tone of displeasure, then gently pushed me back a bit to look at my face. I couldn’t see him clearly through my tears, and he used his thumb to gently wipe them away.

“Why do you love North so much…huh, it’s been too long, you must have been in so much pain.” I said, still sobbing.

“It’s not as painful as seeing you cry now.” Phii Joe said, with a look of concern, “Forget it, stop crying now.”

“Okay, I’ll stop.” I said, still looking upset from crying, then I pressed my lips together trying to hold back my tears, “I won’t cry anymore.”

“Good.” Phii Joe said, giving me a faint smile.

“It’s a good thing I decided not to go to America back then.” I said, expressing what I was thinking now, “If I had gone to study in America, who knows how things would be now.” “I would’ve just visited America more often.” “…” I fell silent at his response. I never thought I would be this emotional, and that old question arose in my mind once again.

Why is he so good to me…

“Thank you, really, thank you for waiting all this time, thank you for not changing your mind.”

“…”

“North loves you, loves you a lot.”

“I love you a lot too.”

I immediately bowed my head when I heard the love confession from the person in front of me; my already pounding heart began to beat even more fiercely, to the point where I could feel the heat spreading to my ears. Not knowing what to do, I just buried myself in his embrace and wouldn’t let go.

Looking up to meet his eyes again, I hugged him even tighter as tears, from god knows where, started to flow once more.

“North…” Phii Joe called out.

No matter what, I’m not used to…Phii Joe calling my real name.

“Phii…you don’t have to call me by my name.” I said softly.

“Hmm? Then what should I call you?”

“Uh…anything else is fine.” I said. Calling me ‘you’ like before is better. Is it okay not to call me by my name? I’m completely overwhelmed by him already, even though we’re dating, but my heart can’t take it.

“…”

“My love.”

“Ha!?”

“My love.”

!! “No. No way!” I exclaimed loudly, isn’t this more embarrassing than calling me by my name? Are you trying to kill me? Are you trying to give me a heart attack?

   I looked up at the person in front of me, seeing a smile at the corner of his mouth which indicated he was very pleased. It seems Phii Joe really enjoys seeing me so embarrassed that I almost want to explode in embarrassment.

   “Why not?”

“Well…just no.” I didn’t know what else to say but to hug him tighter, feeling too flustered to do anything else. Before being gently pushed back a little from his embrace, our eyes met for a moment without me looking away, then his soft lips pressed down again. I slightly turned my face away due to the slight pain.

By the time I fully understood his story, we had kissed countless times…

The warm touch invaded again, and I responded to that touch. Our tongues danced together, creating an embarrassing sound, my heart still pounding heavily, warmth spreading all over my chest. I closed my eyes, one of his hands reached to press the back of my head closer as if feeling we weren’t close enough, while the other hand held mine.

The gentle kiss I received. I don’t know how long it lasted before it was reluctantly pulled away.

It had to be gentle because my lower lip had split again…

“Phii…”

“Hm?”

“It’s just…I don’t know what to do anymore, especially after hearing what you told me…” I expressed my concern. I loved him a lot, but I felt it might not be enough compared to everything that had passed. I promised myself I would do my best, but it still felt insufficient.

“I’ve already told you, haven’t I?”

“Just being by your side forever is enough.” “Is that possible?” “Yes, I promise I won’t go anywhere, I swear by everything.”

I made my promise before the tears could flow again, as if every feeling trapped in my chest was pouring out. From now on, no matter what happens, I promised I wouldn’t go anywhere. I would stay here as long as this place remains mine.

…

I’ve been living with Phii Joe for several days now. So much has happened since I moved, like the silly duck that Phii Joe said, “I bought so many things for him, but you ended up liking this duck.” After settling in, I decided to ask why he likes me, abiding by our previous agreement where each question was exchanged for a kiss.

At first, I thought I’d ask just one question, but then I just kept wanting to know more until I asked everything. After learning the whole story, I couldn’t hold back my tears.

I’ve become such an emotional person, crying until my eyes hurt.

I had no idea that the person in the Ferrari was Phii Joe, nor that the one who sat across from me at the table, appearing and disappearing, was him as well, and he was also the one who gave me that silly duck.

I was indescribably happy when I found out Phii Joe was the owner of the silly duck I had been curious about for so long. Honestly, I was very thankful, and I had already thanked him in person.

Having just moved in, I wasn’t quite used to the room yet, especially since my things were now here too. There was a new wardrobe in Phii Joe’s room that I hadn’t noticed before, which he gave to me. There was a desk and all sorts of things ready for me, and my motorcycle was sent back home because Phii Joe said he would take care of picking me up and dropping me off, which I felt very apologetic about, but I couldn’t argue. And hearing his stories helped me understand everything better, like when he came to pick me up from the bar incident. About the debt, Phii Joe said he didn’t stop me when I was acting out in his house; he could have but chose not to, so I would learn the consequences of getting drunk and being foolish. It worked well because I haven’t touched alcohol since then.

When I asked about the debt, Phii Joe just said to forget it, it’s just money. At first, he didn’t even have anything anyway. I thought he was just using it to threaten me, T^T

As for James…James is quite the scoundrel who used to tell me, “I’ll take care of you, North.” back when we were at the game shop, always inviting me out for Korean BBQ, bingsu, shabu-shabu, all sorts of buffets. Initially, I was really grateful to James, thinking how kind he was, but now I know…it was all Phii Joe’s money, and he was paying Phii Joe to take me out to eat.

James, why are you such a bad person…

We are in the same faculty, but I don’t really see James much because we’re in different years and faculties. Once you’re in your second year, you study in separate faculties, and James doesn’t care about seniority, doesn’t care about studying, doesn’t care about anything except alcohol. He just drinks and flirts with girls all day. I ran into him near the faculty’s coffee shop long after the semester started, and he looked shocked, saying, “Oh, didn’t you say you were going to America? Why were you lying?”

Lying about what? I just didn’t go, so what?

   And why am I even mad at James?

   “What time does your class end?” I turned to ask the person sitting next to me as the luxurious car pulled up in front of the engineering faculty. From now on, Phii Joe would probably drop me off like this every day.

“Half past six, and what time do you finish?” Phii Joe asked back. “Four, but I have cheer practice until ten.” I replied. “I’ll come and wait.”

“Yes, sir. Study hard.”

“Hmm.” Phii Joe said, then gave me a smile. I smiled back, reaching to open the door, but was pulled back by my arm first. He drew me close, leaned in, and gave me a gentle kiss, just a touch of the lips before letting go.

“Study hard.” He said, then flashed that slight smile he often does, and I always fell for that smile, feeling my heart beat faster again, my face starting to flush before I quickly opened the door to get out.

Good grief…

He’s never gentle with my heart at all.

But I like it, I really like this feeling, it’s so happy I want it to last forever.

As I was walking towards the lecture building, my phone rang. When I checked, I saw that it was my mom calling.

“Yes, Mom.” I answered the call and spoke into the phone.

(North, are you going to class today?)

   “Yes, I’m about to head to class now.”

(Oh, your aunt wanted me to tell you that Non’s condition has improved) my mom said. Non is my cousin’s newborn baby. He was born a while ago, but recently he wasn’t feeling well, so everyone at home was worried. I’m quite fond of my nephew too, though I haven’t had a chance to play with him yet, I’ve only seen pictures my mom and aunt sent to boast.

“Really? That’s great. I’ll find time to visit on Saturday, this week.”

(That’s good. Don’t forget the gold for the baby’s welcoming gift.)

   “Yes, Mom.” I agreed. “Oh, Mom, North has something to tell you.”

(What is it?)

   “North has a new partner now.” (Really? You didn’t get back together with Ja, did you?)

   “No, no.”

(That’s good. Don’t ever get back with her, ha, she broke up with you and then had the audacity to ask to reconcile, after all the effort, the morning and evening rides, feeding you almost every meal, and never missing a gift, then she breaks up on graduation day, terrible) my mom said, sounding irritated. When Ja dumped me, my mom was even angrier than I was; she was nearly ready to storm over to her house.

(So, who’s this new partner?)

   “But he’s a guy, Mom.”

(Oh, who is he then?)

   “His name is Phii Johan, he’s in his second year of medical school at our university, and he lives near our place too. You know, the big house that owns a lot of land around our area?”

(Ha! Really, son?)

   “Yes.”

(Oh dear, my son has landed himself in the rice pot. I’ve heard that the house has a grandson, and I was even thinking of presenting you to him on a tray.)

   “Mom, really?”

(Just kidding. But how did you guys end up together? I want to see what he looks like. Send me a picture.)

   “It’s a long story, I will tell it later. I’ll send some photos.”

(Send them, and is he handsome?)

   “Oh, handsome, very handsome.”

   (Really? When you were dating Jaja, you boasted to your mom like this too. Jaja wasn’t that cute, you were just showing off your girlfriend, weren’t you?)

   “Oh my. This is my boyfriend, you know.”

(Okay, you’re good, send the photos. I’ll show off to Aunt Nuch, and to the neighbor lady too, she’s always bragging about her daughter’s boyfriend.)

   “The neighbor lady? Mrs. Kaew, right?”

(Yes, her daughter just graduated. Her daughter’s boyfriend is a doctor, a surgeon. She brags about it morning and night about how rich her daughter’s boyfriend is. And she keeps asking me if my son is still not done with school, if he has a girlfriend yet, warning that he might not find one, look, her daughter is planning to get married and have kids. How much does an engineer earn? Is it enough? Her daughter’s boyfriend is a surgeon, earning several tens of thousands.)

   “And what did mom say back?”

(What’s all the fuss about my child? That bitch.)

   “Mom…take it easy.”

(Just kidding, I just give a dry smile and then call the mason to build a higher fence, so tired of seeing her face.)

   “Whose mom is this? She’s awesome.” I said, laughing. My mom is like this, her personality isn’t much different from mine, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, that’s for sure.

(Of course, are you really coming this Saturday? Bring your boyfriend too.)

   “Can I bring him?”

(Yes, yes, bring him, I’ll prepare some food.)

   “Okay, I’ll ask him first.”

(Okay, that way, I’ll clean the house too. But, is he really the grandson of that landlady?)

   “Yes, why?” (Nothing, I am just shocked, really shocked. That family is really rich, you know. The whole market talks about how handsome her grandson is, every girl wants him. I’ll brag about it all the way to the back of the market, watch me. The market landlady is also very kind, she’s waived the booth rental fee several times now without any complaint.)

   “Mom, don’t forget to pay the rent.”

(Oh, how about the house rent, I forgot to pay that too) my mom said casually, her forgetfulness matching mine.

“Please pay it, Mom, or we might get evicted. We won’t have a home.”

(Evicted? Alright, I’ll go pay it then.)

   “Okay, see you on Saturday.”

(Got it, don’t forget to bring your partner too.)

   “Yes, I love you, Mom.”

(I love you too) before my mom hung up. My mom is as easy going as I am, and she never restricted me from having a partner. When I was with Ja, my mom always gave advice and support, treating Ja almost like her own daughter, which is why she was so angry when Ja broke up with me as I mentioned earlier.

I try to picture Phii Joe at my house, meeting my mom and my aunt. I can’t really imagine it. But would he want to go to my house? If he’s okay with my family, that would be great. As for Mom and Aunt, they’re easy-going anyway. Okay, that’s settled.

And then there’s the question of how his family will react to me…

I walked out of the lecture hall feeling drained, getting nagged at for a long time makes one feel quite exhausted. The freshmen were gradually leaving, and there was a buzz from the group of girls. I scanned the area for the person who said they would wait for me.

I spotted Phii Joe sitting with James, and there was another senior with them. The girls were looking in their direction, whispering among themselves. I didn’t pay much attention, trying to navigate my way through the crowd. While squeezing through, I overheard the girls chatting:

“Is that Phii Johan? He’s even more handsome in person. I’ve only seen photos.”

“You’re kidding, I’m so embarrassed, why are they all so good-looking? Is that one from our faculty? I see he’s wearing a gear jacket, but I’ve never seen him before.”

“I like Phii Johan more but heard he has a partner. Look at his left wrist, he’s wearing gear.”

“Why would a doctor wear gear? Oh, his partner studies engineering.”

“Squeeeee, I’m so embarrassed right now.”

I pretended not to hear their comments, though inside I was quite flattered. It took a while to get out because, as I’ve mentioned before, the lecture hall was crowded, and when it was over, everyone was trying to push their way out. Even if you didn’t want to push, just standing in the front row would get you pushed out anyway.

“Here you are.” James immediately greeted me, “We were just talking about you. Joe got teased until he was fed up. Come here, let me tease you a bit.”

“Very funny, James. No need.” I replied. My friends were already teasing me enough as it was, “Did you wait long?” I asked Phii Joe.

“Just got here.” Phii Joe answered, “The professor just let us go.”

“But don’t classes end at half past six?”

“They do end at half past six.” Phii Joe said, “But the professor wouldn’t let me leave, made me do some work or something.”

“So, you got roped into some work at the faculty?” James asked, “Was that what you were complaining about on the phone earlier, about the professor being mad?” “Yeah, he used me, didn’t even give me an A, just a B last semester.” Phii Joe grumbled, “And I don’t know why he got mad at me. At first, everything was fine.”

“What did you do to upset the professor?” The guy sitting next to James asked.

“I told him I wasn’t available to do any work, I had to rush back, and he asked why I was in such a hurry. I said I needed to go and drink with friends, and then he got mad. Why would he be mad about that?”

“Maybe he was upset because you didn’t invite him to drink with you, Joe?”

“I did invite him, but he didn’t want to come. Doesn’t that mean he has no right to be mad?”

“Yeah, why is the professor so fussy about it?” The other guy said.

“Or maybe he’s more of a beer guy?” Phii Joe countered.

“Yeah, that could be it. Some people only drink beer, not liquor, you know.”

“What are you guys even talking about?” James said, shaking his head in mock disgust, “If the professor actually comes…”

“Then he should come, we’ll treat him.” Phii Johan said casually, “Seriously, are you really thinking of inviting a medical professor to drink with us? You can’t treat a professor to drinks, T^T.”

But…drink?

“Drinking?” I asked.

“Yes, I’m inviting.” James said, “You in? To celebrate your relationship, really, it’s something worth celebrating, the animal way, I mean. When we found out you were just talking, not even dating yet, Frank and I cried with joy.” I looked at the other guy next to James, oh, his name is Frank, right? “Now you’re actually dating. I’m so happy I don’t know what to do with myself, Joe.”

“Are you really inviting my boyfriend to drink with you?” “You’re talking about your ‘wife’ quite boldly, bastard.” James said with a slight chuckle, “Come on, you were going to come with us anyway.”

“Haven’t had a drink in a while, you invited.” Phii Joe replied, “But let me take the little one home first.”

“Aw, not coming together? We should celebrate your relationship with him there too.” Frank objected. “He wants to drink too, trust me.”

“Really?” Phii Joe turned to ask me.

“Uh…sure.” I said. I was fine either way. It had been a while since I last drank too. “Can I go in this outfit?” I asked James, who was from my faculty, since I was still in my cheering outfit, which was an engineering faculty shirt and sweatpants.

“Why not? It’s not like it’s a student uniform, and it might be nice that the bar is full of engineering shirts.” James said. He was also wearing an engineering shirt. Frank and Phii Joe, on the other hand, were in casual wear, probably having changed before coming.

“Are you sure you want to go?” Phii Joe asked me again.

“Yes, why? North doesn’t have to go if you don’t want to.” I said. If he just wanted to drink with his friends, I didn’t have to come.

“North, huh? Using your own name to refer to yourself.” James teased. I glanced at him with a slightly annoyed expression.

“No, I want you to come with me.” Phii Joe said simply, and then the four of us walked out from the engineering faculty area, with James and Frank heading to another car.

We settled at the furthest table in the bar, which was a regular place near the university, with live band music. Everyone ordered drinks and various foods.

“Finally, you two are together. Damn, I feel like I’ve just completed something in life.” James said his first sentence after the waiter left. “We’re like the original crew, right, Frank?” “Yeah, damn, it’s the best. I’m tearing up here, Joe. It feels like we’ve been through so much together, drank so much that we’re on the brink of liver cirrhosis. Can I request funds to make a vinyl banner with your couple’s picture to hang up at the university? Can we put it in front of the medical faculty and engineering faculty, maybe even mine too, just show it off everywhere.”

“That’s going too far, bastard.” Phii Joe laughed at Frank’s suggestion, and then the table conversation became about us, with James and Frank asking how it all happened, while Phii Joe let me do most of the talking.

“So, you got dumped?” James asked. I nodded in response. “Why did she break up?”

“She said…what was it…something like choosing someone with a future, so she went for another medical student.” I said, then took the drink Frank had mixed, swallowing it with difficulty. How did he mix it to make it so strong?

“Oh, why? Does she think the engineering faculty have no future?” James exclaimed, “Got dumped because the salary is lower, huh? That’s sad, you animal, Joe, how much does a doctor earn?”

“Sixty thousand, not including overtime.” Phii Joe replied, raising his glass of liquor.

“Damn, that’s a lot. And what about an engineer at a company?”

“Twenty thousand for a fresh graduate.”

“Wow, that’s a three times difference, North.” James said, turning to me, his face suddenly looking gloomy. I felt down too because we were in the same faculty, “But we have less work, it’s way more comfortable.”

“Oh, so compared to the workload, we have it easier, right, Phii?” I asked.

“No, when I said less work, I meant job positions. Not many people are taking up engineering jobs now, there are so many graduates each year, it’s depressing.” James said before taking another drink, it seemed more like he was sharing his woes, “I think we should start a business together, North, let Joe fund it.”

“What kind of business, Phii?”

“Selling Hainanese chicken rice.”

“…”

 

   NORTH HOW MUCH IS YOUR LOVE CHAPTERS HOME

NORTHHOWMUCHISYOURLOVE, Chapter 25 part 2

“What about you, Joe, didn’t you meet anyone in LA for a whole year?” Frank asked, “I thought you’d be partying more than you did back in Thailand.”

“Yeah, I was wilder there.” I admitted truthfully. Whether it was women, alcohol, cigarettes, or other things, I also studied and worked more while in LA. My dad even said if I kept it up, he could hand over the business to me soon. “You called to tell us about it, you really lived life to the fullest, top of your class, did well at work, and made the most of your youth.” James said, “But you still came back to die over the same old issue.”

“You’re good at twisting the knife, aren’t you?” I said with a sigh, “Has he broken up with his girlfriend yet?”

“Not yet, saw a picture of them having hot pot together yesterday.” James said, “They’ve been dating for over a year now.”

“Fuck.”

“And what about you? After meeting so many people there, wasn’t there anyone you clicked with?” Frank asked again.

“No.” I met many people, at school, at work, and when I went out, “I just couldn’t open my heart to anyone.”

“You don’t want to get serious with anyone, then.”

“Do I look like I want to be like this?”

“So, in short…you still can’t move on, right? Even after not seeing him for a year.” James repeated. I was silent for a moment before nodding slightly in affirmation, “At this rate, you might never forget him in your lifetime.”

“Sigh…” I exhaled to release the frustration building inside, “I don’t know, James, I like him, I really do, and the more I think about him now, the more I want to see him. Why is it like this?”

“Sigh, it’s exhausting just listening to you. If you want to see him, then go see him.”

I looked at the snack packet being handed to me in confusion. Eventually, I decided to return to the game shop. When the kid came to the shop and saw someone sitting at the table opposite, he left for a while and then came back with the snack packet.

On the packet was a note that read: ‘Please stay and keep me company like before. I’m scared of ghosts, TT’

   Is this intentional teasing or what…

“Seriously, man, I think he knows and he’s teasing you.” Frank said, laughing as I smoked beside him, “Damn, who could move on from this? That’s cruel to your friend.”

“Yeah, exactly. No mercy for my friend at all, please have some sympathy, North, have some heart for your friend’s friend.”

“You guys are too good at teasing.” I said, feeling annoyed, while exhaling grey smoke, “Why do you do this?”

“Isn’t that just how the junior is? But when someone’s smitten, we’ll fall for anything they do.”

“…Damn it.”

And…my attempt to move on failed yet again.

I went back to living like before I went to LA, stopping my bad habits and having only the junior in my life as usual. But something new was added: university entrance exams. I wasn’t sure what course I wanted to study, so my mother suggested I try for the Faculty of Medicine, and when I got in, she was ecstatic. So, I decided to study there, too lazy to apply for another program anyway.

“You’ve held out well, Joe, liking the junior all the way through high school.” James said.

“Yeah, but once I get into university, I won’t go see him anymore.” I replied, thinking that with time, I might get used to it. Once in university, I probably wouldn’t go back to see the junior again.

No matter how many times I tried to let go, I always found myself back in the same place.

No matter what, the junior was the only one I ever wanted to get serious with. And I…almost stopped hoping for anything else.

So…I completely gave up on getting serious with anyone else.

When I started university, I met people like Hill, who was very capable, Tonfah, who was good-hearted, and Arthit, who was the biggest jerk. I still acted like I used to, partying without caring much about others, being quite the playboy, but I stopped initiating with others because I was bored. And I did what I had planned; I didn’t go back to see the junior.

And sometimes when I thought of the junior, the feeling was more of fondness than pain. I didn’t quite understand why that was.

(Joe, do you know about the junior?) The words from James on the phone made me raise my eyebrows in surprise. Both James and Frank were studying at the same university as me, James in the Faculty of Engineering, and Frank in Political Science.

“…”

“Why?”

(The junior got a scholarship to study in America.)

   “Really?”

(Yeah, today’s his graduation day at his school.)

   “And why are you telling me this? I’ve already said I won’t go see him.”

(Yeah, I know, but you’ve liked him for so long, are you really not going to see him? He’s going to be on the other side of the world, man. Isn’t it good to see him one last time, to congratulate him on graduating?)

   …

And before I knew it, I found myself driving back to the same place I hadn’t been to for a year. I barely knew anything about what the kid had been up to. I didn’t know how he’d been doing since James closed the game shop, but from what I saw on Instagram, he was still posting pictures with his girlfriend, dating from the fourth year to the sixth year of high school.

It’s impressive that he could study abroad in America on a scholarship. So from now on, the distance between us would be even greater.

Whatever, it wouldn’t have changed anything anyway.

I walked into the school hosting the graduation ceremony. I didn’t bring flowers or a gift. I just wanted to see if he was doing well, that’s all, to see how happy he would be having graduated, secured a scholarship, and still being in a good relationship with his girlfriend.

I saw his friends standing by the booth for the sixth graders, but there was no sign of him. He should be with his friends, right? Where did he go?

♣♣♣

“North. I want you to understand. We’re all grown up now. We need to choose someone with a future. We can’t just date for fun like when we were kids, right?”

“…”

“You…understand me, don’t you? You’ve always understood me, haven’t you?”

“Uh-huh, I understand.” I said, clenching my jaw to keep the feelings that were welling up inside at bay, my hands gripping each other tightly. I was sitting on a stone bench by the building, and Jaja was standing in front of me, saying the very thing I didn’t want to hear.

Jaja was breaking up with me…

   “I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me. You did everything for me, but…”

“You’ve chosen Temp, haven’t you?” I looked up at her, her face full of tears, her eyes and words full of guilt towards me.

“Uhmm. I’m sorry.” “It’s okay, I understand.” I forced a smile, “Then, could you tell Temp to promise me that he’ll take care of you in my place?”

“Uhmm…I understand.”

“Good luck.”

“Good luck then, goodbye.” She said, her voice trembling. I looked down, only seeing her feet as she walked away, since everyone was busy with the graduation ceremony, so there was no one else here.

I looked at the bouquet of flowers beside me, which I had brought to congratulate her on graduating, but she didn’t take them and decided to express what had been on her mind for a long time.

I had somewhat realized that her love for me had been fading ever since she met that guy, but I chose to overlook it and continued to take care of her as best as I could.

Why, though…

When my eyes started to feel hot, I quickly wiped away the tears.

I shouldn’t be sad on such a celebratory day. If I go back to meet with friends like this, it would definitely spoil the evening’s celebration.

My heart felt like it was being squeezed tightly, and my hands, which were tightly clasped, began to loosen. I didn’t even have the strength to stand, why, had everything I did been in vain, was it all worthless, what else should I understand? I just didn’t understand anything anymore.

Damn…why is it like this?

Soft sobbing

…

Because I saw that my friend wasn’t with the group, I walked around looking for them for a while until I found them sitting there. Then her girlfriend seemed to be saying something to her before walking off, but just that was enough to guess what happened.

I looked at the scene in front of me; so many feelings were mixing inside me. I once said I absolutely love her smile, and I didn’t want it to disappear, so why did that girl…

Her smile, damn, it’s so precious to me.

Why doesn’t she take care of it at all?

I let out a frustrated sigh. I hate seeing her look like she’s about to cry, especially when she’s given everything for that woman. It seems she won’t leave this place easily, and with her nature of not wanting to worry others, she probably won’t go to meet her friends until she sorts out her feelings.

I feel like I need to do something.

I quickly dialed the last number on my phone, waiting for a moment until James picked up.

(What’s up, did you meet your junior?)

   “James, he got dumped by his girlfriend.”

(Huh!? What?)

   “He got dumped by his girlfriend, what should I do?”

(Oh, no, why did she do that? Why treat my friend like this?)

   “What should I do? I don’t want him to cry.”

(Go comfort him.)

   “Damn, where would he know me from?”

(Then buy him something, he might be happy with that, write him a little card too.)

   “Where did you buy it?” (There should be some shops around there selling stuff. Mostly on the last day of the term, they like to set up stalls selling gifts, but it’s pretty late, so they might have all packed up by now.)

   “Uh.” I hung up and rushed out to check the shops as James had suggested. Indeed, all the shops around there were closed, probably because it was so cold. I then spotted one shop just about to close its doors.

“Don’t close yet.” I called out. The shopkeeper turned around, looking bewildered.

“Oh, young man, are you buying something? Sorry, but I’ve sold out of everything.”

“Not even one item left?” I asked. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be any shops open. Driving to another place to buy something wouldn’t make it in time.

“Well, there is one item left. Want to have a look?”

“Yes.” I answered immediately. The shopkeeper disappeared inside, then came back out holding a duck plush toy.

What in the world is this duck thing…

“Want it? I’ll bag it up for you.” She offered.

“Uh…okay.” I sighed slightly before accepting the bag with the toy. Why does the first gift I buy for my junior have to be this duck with a turned-up beak?

“Two hundred and fifty baht, and do you want a card? It’s on the house.”

“Yes.” I said, pulling out my wallet. The shopkeeper handed me some paper and a pen, but when I checked my wallet, I found no cash. “Do you take cards?”

“What kind of card? I don’t really deal with cards.”

“Uh…”

“You should start carrying cash, Joe. Not every shop takes cards.” Hill’s words echoed in my mind. At that moment, I never thought I’d be in a shop that doesn’t accept cards.

I sighed in annoyance, took off my left wristwatch, and handed it over. The other party took it, looking puzzled.

“I don’t have any cash on me. Can I trade with this?”

“Oh…wait, young man, I can’t accept something this valuable.” The shopkeeper shouted after me, but I didn’t care much. I walked back into the school, wrote a little on the card, and left the duck plushie and card for my junior.

♣♣♣

“You are North, right? Someone left this for you.” I looked up to the voice calling me. It was a schoolgirl from the same school, though I didn’t recognize her much. In her hand was a plush toy…a duck?

She handed it to me. I didn’t fully understand, but I accepted it.

“Thanks. Did someone ask you to give it to me?”

“I don’t know, it got passed along through several people, I guess. I’ve got to go.” She said, and then she walked away. I looked at the stuffed toy in my hand, puzzled.

A duck…?

Is it supposed to be a duck? Why does it look like a pig with those puffy cheeks? I couldn’t help but laugh at its funny face. There was a piece of paper attached to it, with the message, “Smile a bit :)”

   I found myself smiling broadly when I read the note. The person who sent this duck must be really sweet, and it somewhat lifted the gloom in my heart. It felt like someone was waiting for my smile, if not for anything else, at least this silly duck’s owner.

I let out a big sigh, took some time to compose myself, and decided to throw away the bouquet I had bought; it wouldn’t be needed anymore. Then, holding the goofy duck, I went back to my friends.

“Hey, North, so what did she want to talk to you about?” “Oh, she broke up with me.” I replied nonchalantly, and my friends looked shocked. “What’s with the shock? It’s not that surprising. I kind of knew it was coming.”

“I am shocked at how chill you are.”

“Whatever, let it go. Look at this duck. Isn’t it cute?” I showed them the duck, and both Tae and Ball burst out laughing.

“It’s cute, but why does it have such a mischievous look? Did someone give it to you?”

“Yeah, someone did. They even wrote a card.” I said, showing them the note attached to the duck. “Cute, right?”

“Wow, I bet they like you. The handwriting is pretty amazing.” Teak said, “You’re quite popular, huh?”

“Nah.” I shook my head slightly. Then, I wanted to know who sent the duck, so I went looking for the person who had given it to me earlier. I kept asking around but only got the answer that it wasn’t someone from school and they had already left.

“Couldn’t find them in the end?”

“Yeah, it’s a pity. I really wanted to thank them.” I said with a bit of disappointment. It was already late in the evening, and everyone was starting to head home. We had plans to continue celebrating with our classmates, so we had to go.

I pulled out my phone and opened Instagram, looking at my profile filled with photos of me and Jaja. I decided to delete all those pictures and posted a single photo of the silly duck along with the card as the only picture on my Instagram.

I captioned it, ‘Smiling now : ) thank you #TheOwnerOfTheSillyDuck’

   Whoever that person is, I was genuinely thankful to them. From then on, I cherished that silly duck and the card. I even liked the duck so much that I took a photo of it and set it as my LINE profile picture, and I couldn’t help but smile every time I saw it.

…

I glanced at my phone screen, at Instagram which I hadn’t checked in a while. From having over a hundred photos, now the owner of the IG had deleted them all, leaving just one picture – the one of the duck and the card I had left.

‘Smiling now : ) thank you #TheOwnerOfTheSillyDuck’

   I thought I was over him, but I drove all the way back there. Initially, I just didn’t want him to cry, but now, encountering this, it made me realize…

That I…haven’t changed at all.

Not since the day I realized I fell for that smile…

I returned to the bar near the university around past ten at night, too lazy to call any friends to join me. I let myself drown in my feelings, the sharp taste and burn of alcohol going down my throat, not knowing how many glasses I had, along with a cigarette in my hand, touching my lips, inhaling the smoke and blowing it out. It took a while before I started to get drunk, but smoking made my mind cloud over faster.

He broke up with his girlfriend…

But now he’s going to be far away from me instead.

Why does our timing never align?

When I heard the incoming call sound from my phone, I stubbed out my cigarette and picked up the phone.

‘Incoming call: Hill’

   I answered,

“Yeah.”

(Joe. You left your MacBook, do you need it? Should I bring it over?)

   “No need.” (Where are you? Why is it so noisy?)

   Bar

(Drunk?)

   “Yeah.”

(Alone?)

   “Yeah.”

(Hey, going to drink alone until you get drunk, is that okay?)

   “No, I’m not okay at all, Hill.”

(Wait, I’ll come find you. Where are you?)

   “Midnight.”

(Alright, I’m coming. Should I call Fah and Arthit too?)

   “Up to you.”

(Okay.)

   Then Hill hung up. It’s good that Hill is coming; I’m in no condition to drive. Shortly after, Hill arrived and sat across from me, his eyebrows furrowed as he looked at me with confusion.

“What happened? Why would you drink to this extent?”

“I don’t know, Hill. I don’t understand myself.” I said before taking another sip from my drink, then lit a cigarette and put it in my mouth. “I just don’t get it, Hill.”

“You’re completely wasted.”

“Sigh, why, Hill, why the hell…”

“I don’t know either, just calm down, Joe.”

“I hate feeling like this, I really don’t like this feeling, damn it.” I started to ramble, swearing out of frustration, and the person across from me looked concerned. If it were James or Frank, they might understand my state, but for Hill and the other two, I’ve never told them about ‘him’. “Yeah, Fah’s got some business to attend to, so he can’t come out, but he said to call if you need help. As for Arthit, he’s racing and will come after he’s done, so he asked me to order some drinks for him.”

“Ha. Even if I didn’t say anything, the table’s already full.” I said.

“Are you going to drink all this by yourself, and smoke too?”

“Want one?” I asked before offering the cigarette pack to Hill. Hill took one, smoked it, but didn’t touch the alcohol.

“You look terrible, Joe. I’ve never seen you like this.” Hill remarked.

“Hmm. Not surprising, I haven’t been like this in a long time either.” I said, exhaling another puff of grey smoke, “Hill.”

“Hmm?”

“Have you ever wanted someone to be in your life, but it just couldn’t happen?”

“…”

“Without any conditions, you’d give them everything just to see them smile.”

“…”

“But why, why can’t I have this person by my side?”

“Joe…damn.” Hill was silent, listening to me ramble for a while before letting out a sigh, “If I said I am in the same boat as you, would you believe me?”

“Really? For someone who doesn’t care about anyone like you?”

“It’s less believable for someone like you if you wanted to tell. Go ahead, tell me.” Hill said, and in my drunken state, I spilled everything about the girl to Hill. He listened intently, “Hard to believe someone as carefree as you could have something like this. Is this why you said you’d never get serious with anyone?”

“Probably. If it’s not him…I don’t want anyone.”

“Hmm…I understand.” Hill nodded slightly. Hill was quite good at keeping his feelings to himself, in other words, he was patient, and the pained look in his eyes I saw wasn’t lying. “Tell me yours then, your story.” I said, sliding the glass of alcohol towards him. Hill hesitated for a moment before letting out another sigh, grabbed the glass of pure liquor, drank several glasses, and began telling me his story.

“His name is Ter, right?” I asked, leaning back on the sofa and closing my eyes, my head throbbing, “Easter, as in East, huh? That’s fitting, and North means North too.”

“Yeah, exactly, and he’s going to study in America?” Hill asked, his eyes slightly squinting from the intoxication. Hill could hold his liquor pretty well, “That’s too bad, especially since he’s now single.”

“Actually, I could’ve bought the scholarship to America and removed his name from it, but since he wants to go…If things keep going like this, I’ll probably be flying back and forth to America often to see him. Hopefully, he won’t find a boyfriend or girlfriend there.”

“And what about you? Got dumped, huh?” I asked.

“Yeah, probably, I wouldn’t be surprised if he did feel that way. I kind of hate myself too.”

“Ha, nothing ever goes as planned, does it, Hill?” I said, clinking my glass with the one across from me again. “We’re both a mess, totally screwed.”

“Sigh, so what are you going to do next, Joe?”

“Don’t know. Maybe just let it go like this. I can’t follow him to America, my dad would kill me if I dropped out of university now.” I said before taking another drink. “Or should I just buy out his scholarship?”

“Are you crazy? Would you ruin his dream?”

“Just saying. Who would actually do that?” I said. “Come to think of it, you’ve waited a long time, yet you’ve never been able to let him go. How do you manage that?” “There’s nothing to it, Joe. I just can’t let go. I end up back where I started, just like you.”

“Hmm.” I responded, before we ordered more drinks and continued drinking for a while. The bad feelings didn’t go away, but it was still better than nothing, and I believed I would continue to feel this way.

I asked about Ter from Hill, and he asked about North from me. Both of us were drunk to the point where we could barely keep our composure. I looked at the picture of the person on Hill’s phone.

“Cute.”

“Yeah, your friend is cute too.” Hill said, handing the phone back to me, equally drunk. “His name’s North, right?”

“Yeah, Hill.”

“Huh?”

“If it’s tomorrow, can you pretend you’ve forgotten about today? Everything, including what I told you.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to think about it either.”

“Hmm.”

Arthit looked at the two friends in a drunken state, puzzled. Hill had called to say that Johan was drinking alone and seemed quite down. After finishing his race at the track, he rushed over.

What’s with this drunken mess…

And with the table full of liquor like this, are you two drinking it all?

“Huff. Come out, both of you look like dogs.”

(Are you both wasted? I specifically asked Hill to look after Joe, why did you end up getting drunk with him too?)

   “I don’t know, but for sure, both Joe and Hill are knocked out. Can you imagine how much they’ve had?”

(Oh…I guess the bar will be out of liquor today. I’ll head out, wait there. Don’t you start drinking too.)

   “Got it.”

Arthit hung up with a sigh. Instead of enjoying a drink after winning a car race, he had to go pick up these two.

And who are Ter and North that these two were babbling about?

Tonfa rushed to the bar in his car after receiving the call from Arthit, entering the place worriedly looking for his two friends who were completely out of it. Johan was a tough drinker, needing cigarettes to get drunk, and Hill wasn’t much different. Tonfah guessed that the liquor covering the table now was just the tip of the iceberg; the staff must have cleared the table several times already.

“Should we take them home? Did you pay the bill yet?” Tonfah asked, seeing the high prices.

“I’ve already paid. Let’s go back. You take Hill.” Arthit said. He had already settled the bill before Tonfah arrived, shocked at the nearly forty thousand baht bill. Damn, these guys really drank.

Arthit helped Johan up from the table, while Fah supported Hill. The four of them parted ways to go home. The next day, Johan woke up on his sofa, unable to remember anything about Ter, but Hill remembered North. Both were then forced by Tonfah to get checked for any health issues that might arise from excessive drinking.

As for Arthit…he had already forgotten the names Ter and North.

♣♣♣

I decided to decline the scholarship to America in the end. Initially, I thought I’d give it a shot. I’m not an academic type, and I had to put in a lot of effort to win that scholarship, but in the end, I didn’t go because I was worried about my mom. I could go after finishing my bachelor’s degree.

At first, I got into engineering in the first round of exams. I heard Jaja say she chose Temp because he got into medical school, saying she chose someone with a brighter future. I understood that ‘future’ meant job security, and being a doctor fit that bill.

I gave up my spot in the engineering program in the first round to go for the scholarship to America, but even after securing it, I hesitated again. What about my mom? How worried would she be? Maybe now wasn’t the time to leave. So, I relinquished the scholarship and reapplied to the engineering faculty in the final round.

When I got in during the last round, it was literally the last minute; the semester was about to start. This meant I couldn’t find a dorm in time; Tae and Ball already had their accommodations sorted. I had to find whatever dorm was available at the time and ended up living alone.

Fortunately, the dormitory randomly assigned roommates. There were many who came from the provinces alone and couldn’t afford the rent, needing someone to share the cost with. That’s how I ended up rooming with Ter, who was from out of town, alone. He didn’t know anything about this place, and to be honest, neither did I. I am from around here but never actually lived here.

Before the start of our first year, Ter told me about a senior doctor who was pursuing him. When I listened, I tried my best to give advice and support. Ter and that doctor had a really complicated story. I knew Ter wasn’t telling me everything, but I didn’t press because it was up to him how much he wanted me to know. As I began to understand things better, I saw that the doctor was actually a good person and really loved Ter. I started rooting for them. And on the day I saw Ter and the doctor publicly declare they were dating, it stirred up my feelings again.

“Why are you standing out here in the cold, you’ll catch a chill.” I said when I noticed Ter standing absentmindedly on the balcony for a long time. He was slightly startled. “What’s with the sudden cold? Because we’re near the mountains?”

“Probably. Why don’t you know, you’re a local.” Ter asked.

“My home isn’t near the mountains.” I replied. “Ter, can you close the window? I’m cold.” Ter closed the window and came back inside.

“What are you doing?” Ter asked.

“Cleaning the room.” I answered.

“It’s already clean.”

“It can be cleaner.”

Ter sighed at my response because sitting idle just made him think about the doctor. So, he got up to clean the room even though it was already clean. It seemed like Ter’s doctor had disappeared, and Ter had been looking gloomy for a couple of days.

“Aren’t you going to work at the pub?” I asked. I knew that before the semester started, Ter had been working at a pub, where he met the doctor.

“I’ve already taken the photos. He said the job’s done, so I don’t need to come anymore.” Ter said, looking like he was zoning out again. His mind must have been full of various thoughts.

“You don’t look okay.” I said.

“Yeah, I’m really not okay.”

“No sign of the medical student?” I teased. For some reason, teasing Ter was just too fun; even a little tease would make him flustered. “Right, he’s vanished, it’s been two days now.”

And then Ter and I talked for a while before he excused himself to take a shower. As I was lounging in the room, I heard a knock at the door.

“Coming.” I shouted, then got up to open the door, facing someone I didn’t recognize. I looked up, puzzled, and he looked back at me, seemingly surprised that I was the one opening the door.

“…”

“Uh…who are you looking for?”

It had been two days since Hill disappeared. Normally, his disappearance wouldn’t be an issue, but what was worrying was the situation at home. He wasn’t at the condo, his car was gone too, and he wasn’t answering calls.

Hill…do you know how worried Nong Ter is about you? He’s been calling me morning, noon, and night.

And then, out of the blue, the number that had been unreachable for almost two days called back. I raised an eyebrow in surprise when I saw that, quickly answering the call without even having the chance to speak first.

(Joe, I want to see Ter.)

   “Seriously, that’s the first thing you say to me after calling?”

(Go pick up him and bring him to me, I can’t drive right now.)

   “Fine. Aren’t you going to explain anything? You’ve got everyone worried.”

(Thanks, but can you help out?)

   “And if I say no?”

(Just go, and you’ll find something good.)

   “What’s that?”

(Trust me, just go pick up Ter.)

   “Okay, okay.” Why do I always get roped into this kind of stuff? I drove to the dorm where Ter was staying, guided by the location Hill sent, walked up to the room number he indicated, and stood there, somewhat annoyed, before knocking on the door.

   “Coming.” I heard from inside, then the door opened.

!!

   North…?

   Why did I end up here…

   “…”

“Um…Are you looking for someone?”

“Is Ter here?” I asked.

“Oh, yes, he’s taking a shower. I’ll go tell him.” The junior said before turning to go back inside. “You can come in if you want.”

“No, just tell Ter to hurry up.” I said, then stepped back to wait by the door.

Why did you end up here? Weren’t you supposed to study abroad in America? Being here means you’re studying here, right? And sharing a room with Ter, no less.

   What the hell am I feeling…

   “Phii Johan.” I heard Ter call out, “Why are you smiling?”

“Nothing.” I replied, straightening up from the wall, “Just saw something good.”

…

“You’ve made up your mind for sure, right? You’re done getting involved with others?” Hill asked, reiterating a question he had asked me many times before, while things between Hill and Ter were going well. I decided to stop messing around and start pursuing North seriously, especially since he was no longer with his girlfriend. And he was right here, not on the other side of the world as I had once thought.

“Finally, I have my chance.” “…”

“The chance I’ve been waiting for three years.”

“But are you sure? Why not go for it now?” Hill asked.

“You know how I get when I’m stressed with work. I don’t want to stress him out with my work issues. Plus, I don’t have much free time.” I said honestly, because my workload had been increasing, so I decided not to approach her just yet.

“Hill, look after him for me, okay?”

“Got it. But about the money, you don’t have to, I can support Ter.” Hill said, picking up the black card I had just given him.

“I feel bad that as his almost-boyfriend, I have to let someone else take care of him.”

“Yeah, it’s up to you. When will your work be finished?”

“After coming back from Boston.” I said, the plan being to keep working until the big project in Boston was done. After that, work would lighten up, “Take care of him, Hill, buy him whatever he wants.”

“Yeah, I understand.”

“And send me some pictures of him.”

“Got it.”

One night, while I was working at my condo, out of nowhere, I got a call from Hill.

(Joe. Are you free?)

   “Not really.”

(Your junior’s got into some trouble at a bar.)

   “Ha!” (He went out drinking, got drunk maybe, and then got into a fight with…uh, from what his friend told Ter, probably the new boyfriend of his exgirlfriend.)

   “…”

(It sounds like it was a big fight. Besides the bar demanding compensation for the damages, there’s a chance it might escalate to the university level, which could lead to suspension or even expulsion. But if you’re not free, I’ll go myself.)

   “I’ll go.”

“Which bar is he at?”

 

   NORTH HOW MUCH IS YOUR LOVE CHAPTERS HOME

NORTHHOWMUCHISYOURLOVE, Chapter 25 part 1

   Chapter 25: Try To Fix You

   “Joe, you can’t keep going to see the kid every day and then come here to drink every day like this.” James’s voice rose above the music and chatter in the bar. I didn’t even glance at the person beside me.

“That’s my business.” I said, lifting my glass of alcohol to take another drink, letting the sweet mixture flow down my throat quickly, emptying the glass in seconds, then placing the empty glass on the table and picking up another full one. “Give up, just keep drinking.” Frank, who was sitting at the same table, said, one hand holding a glass of alcohol, the other around a woman’s waist.

I looked at the scene in front of me, which was starting to blur, the table crowded with bottles of various brands of alcohol, mixed together in a chaotic blend, but I no longer cared about the taste.

“Starting to get drunk, huh?” James said, “It takes you so long to get drunk, asshole, we’ll run out of alcohol in this place.”

“The downside of having a strong tolerance, you drink a lot.”

“James, pour.” I said before placing my empty glass in front of him, noticing that all the glasses were empty now. James shook his head slightly.

“Enough already. You’re drinking a lot, do you realize that?”

“Not as much as yesterday.” Frank interjected, “Straight vodka. You’ve got a strong tolerance, Joe.”

“James.” I called his name again to insist he pour more alcohol, and eventually, he relented, opening a new bottle and pouring for me.

“And how did it get this bad?” Frank asked.

“At first, it wasn’t that bad, but later on, North started bringing his girlfriend to play at the shop, and my friend went crazy every day.” James said before sliding the glass of alcohol towards me, “The liquor bill per day, who knows how much. At first, he said he just liked him, and didn’t think it would get this serious.”

Yes…at first, finding out the junior had a girlfriend wasn’t a big deal. I just felt a bit down, thinking I probably didn’t like him that much, but when he started bringing his girlfriend to the shop, every conversation they had, every smile I used to enjoy looking at, became something he gave to someone else.

It seemed like everything the junior tried to do was to make that girl happy.

And I started to think…

Why wasn’t that person me? “Damn, when are they going to break up?” I cursed in frustration because all I could think about was why it wasn’t me there, why it had to be that girl, why did the junior have to have a girlfriend, and why didn’t I even have a chance to approach him?

“While the junior is sitting there being sweet with his girlfriend, cut to the person at the opposite table, sitting there cursing for them to break up.” Frank said with a laugh, “We’re already assholes.”

“Yeah, when did I ever say I was a good person?” I retorted.

“Has the junior been dating his girlfriend for almost two months now?” James asked, “Yeah, almost two months already.”

“But you still meet the junior every day.” Frank raised his eyebrows in question, “Watching him with his girlfriend, it’s pathetic, man.”

“I want to see him, not his girlfriend, but he brings her almost every day.” I said irritably, lifting my glass to drink again and again until my senses began to fade. Today, I drank more than usual because I heard the junior say ‘I love you’ to his girlfriend.

I don’t understand myself either, how could it have gotten this bad?

Does it always hurt like this when you want to be serious with someone?

Why does everything seem so hard?

“You’ve started working with your family, right?” James changed the topic, “What does your dad say about it?”

“He was a bit surprised, but he agreed to teach me the ropes. He said if I’m serious about working, I could go stay with my uncle in LA.” I said, recalling when I told my dad I wanted to try working. My dad was slightly surprised, asked a bunch of questions, and then allowed me to work, but it was really tough. I had just realized how hard it is to work on your own.

“LA, huh? And what are you going to do?” James asked. “I’ll see first. Right now, I don’t want to go.” I said before taking another sip from my glass, “But my dad wants me to go, says I can learn the business quickly there. Maybe I’ll go in the second semester.”

“That’s just a few months away, will you be gone for long?”

“Probably about a year, then I’ll come back to take the university entrance exams.” I explained. Currently, I’m in the first semester of eleventh grade. If I go to LA, I’d be back in time for the second semester of twelfth grade, then prepare for university entrance.

“And what about the kid?” Frank asked, “Right now, you’re a mess, Johan, the handsome one.”

“I don’t know.” I shook my head lightly, placing the empty glass down and picking up another one, while James kept pouring as I asked.

“Get over it.” James said.

“That might be it. It hurts, man. At first, I thought it would be fine, but it hurts like hell. Why does it hurt so much?” I said, frustrated, leaning back on the sofa feeling drained, letting out a small sigh to push away the turmoil in my chest.

“If you think you love someone, you have to prepare for the pain that comes with it. That’s just how it is, Joe, but for someone like you who never intended to really love anyone, it’s hard, I know. That’s why it’s hitting you so hard.” James said, “But I feel for you, for someone who makes you love them this much, why don’t you even get a chance to try for him?”

“Yeah, the kid is just rejecting me outright, asshole.” Frank chimed in, “But it shows he’s someone who loves genuinely. If he broke up with his girlfriend to date you, one day, if someone else came along with the same intensity, he might leave you for them too.”

“Ha, I wouldn’t break up. No matter what, I won’t break up. If anyone messes with him, I’ll kill them all, fuck.” I said angrily. “Brutal even before you’re dating.” James noted.

“Yeah, just let me date him, I’d do anything, I just want him to be with me.” I said.

“Your case is pretty severe, Joe, I must say.” James said, shaking his head slightly in disgust, “Imagine how you’d be when you’re actually dating. How smitten would you be? You’re almost crazy just from this.”

“Does the kid even realize someone is going crazy over his smile?” Frank remarked.

“But that’s all there is to it, damn.” I muttered again in frustration.

Just as Frank said, does the junior have any idea that there’s someone who’s almost going crazy because of his smile? That person is me. I’m practically living and dying for it every day. I’m addicted to the junior’s smile, I really love it when he smiles. After starting work, I feel tired, but seeing him makes things better. Just hearing him chat with friends, listening to what he’s encountered today, seeing that brightness, he’s like my refuge without even knowing it.

“Sometimes you have to give up, Joe, let go. I’m telling you straight, it doesn’t look like they’ll break up easily. The junior seems to love his girlfriend a lot. If you keep being stubborn like this, you’re the one who’ll suffer. Can you handle the pain? Seriously.”

“I can’t.”

“Then the first thing you need to do is stop going to see the junior.”

“…Yeah.”

♣♣♣

I felt a bit surprised not hearing any sound from the table opposite me because usually when I come to the shop, there’s always someone sitting there. Even though I’ve never seen his face because the partition is too high, and if I were to peek, I’d have to stand on my tiptoes, which wouldn’t look good, but the person who sits there every day, on some days when I stay late and everyone else has left, James doesn’t often come out to watch the front, preferring to stay inside. So it’s just the two of us in the shop, at least I feel comforted knowing there’s someone else because I’m scared of ghosts.

There were several times when he shared snacks with me when I complained about being hungry but was too lazy to go out and buy something. He would pass it through the small gap between the tables. I never dared to initiate a conversation or ask him anything, just thanked him for the snacks. I felt like he didn’t want to talk to me for some reason; maybe he found my whining about hunger annoying, like, “Just shut up already.”

And now, if I have to stay alone tonight, what should I do? Usually by ten or eleven, everyone goes home because this area is far from the city, and people here go to sleep early. Unlike in the city where game shops can stay open till morning and still have customers. James’s shop stays open until the last customer leaves.

I have to wait here until ten because that’s when the junior finishes his evening classes. If you ask why I don’t go home and wait, the answer is I want to play games more, there’s no computer at home, and my mom doesn’t mind, she just tells me to take care of myself and my girlfriend, to be a gentleman and look after her.

Today, the person sitting opposite me didn’t come, huh? I even bought snacks to return the favor, but he hasn’t shown up, it’s almost ten. Is he sick, or has he stopped playing games, or maybe he’s playing at another shop now? Does he find me too loud or is he tired of James’s excessive greed with the high hourly rates?

“North, I’m going to buy some glass noodles salad from the shop next door, you want some?” Tae, sitting next to me, asked. I, still playing, turned towards the voice.

“Yeah, get me one bowl.”

“Add chili and onion?” “Put it in, tell Aunt to put everything in, the pan, spatula, the gas stove.”

“How is she going to put it in?” Tae burst out laughing a bit at my words before he left the game shop to buy glass noodle salad from the store in front, which came in small foam cups for us to eat at the game shop.

Suddenly, the computer I was using turned off. When I tried to turn it back on, I found that the code James had given me was no longer working.

“Hey, Ball. Come check this out.” I called over my other friend to look.

“Did the code get rejected?”

“Yeah, what do I do?”

“Ask the shop owner.”

“Okay.” I said, then looked around for James, but he wasn’t there. He must have gone inside with his friends again. I walked towards the hallway where there was a sign saying, “No Outsiders Allowed.”

What should I do? The computer wasn’t working, and James wouldn’t come out. So, I decided to go in. The first thing that stopped me was the strong smell of cigarettes mixed with loud chatter. Was this some kind of gathering spot? The smell of cigarettes mixed with other unfamiliar odors. What were they doing there?

   “James.” I called out, peeking into the room. James was sitting on the floor playing guitar, with two or three other friends also sitting around in the spacious room.

“North, what are you coming in for, didn’t the board outside say no outsiders?” James turned to say, but I didn’t pay much attention, walking further into the room, scanning around. I’ve been playing games here for so long but had never been inside the shop like this before.

“What are you looking for? He’s not here.”

“What are you talking about, Phii?” I raised an eyebrow in confusion, sitting down next to James. “The friend I told you about who likes you. No need to look for him.” James said. After I had refused him that day, James talked to me a couple more times. I had started to wonder who it was, but James wouldn’t tell me. Oh well, if he won’t tell, then I guess I don’t need to know, “No outsiders, go out.”

“James, what do you mean by outsider? I’ve been here so often it’s almost like my second home, and you’re still calling me an outsider? Why do you have to exclude me?” I said, feigning a slight pout, “And you play guitar too?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Really? I’m learning to play too.” I said excitedly because recently I’ve been practicing guitar myself, with a friend’s guitar.

“Really? Want to learn from me?”

“Sure, sure.” I answered quickly, forgetting the point of why I was even in this room, then took the guitar from the other person. Three more of James’s friends were sitting on the sofa in the corner of the room. It seemed like James had come here to play guitar alone. No, not alone, there were some small items lying opposite him, “Is someone else here?”

“Yeah, a friend of mine, but he went to the bathroom.” James said, “It’s better this way.”

“Why?”

“Never mind, so, how far have you gone with playing?” James asked.

“Just simple chords, my fingers hurt when I play, some chords I can’t even reach.” I said, making a frustrated face.

“Oh, because you have short fingers.”

“James.” I called him out with a disgusted look, James chuckled a bit at my expression, “Not true, I should be able to reach them one day.”

“Why not try playing the ukulele, North? Your fingers will definitely reach those.” “James, why are you so harsh?” I said, making a sour face at him. James started teaching me various chords quickly, then got me to start playing a song.

“What song do you want? What genre do you like?” James asked while looking for the chords.

“Recently, I’ve been into folk music, I’m feeling really down about life.”

“Down about life? You? Why?”

“I don’t know, just feeling down and annoyed with the girlfriend, we’ve been going through a rough patch lately.” I blurted out because it’s something that’s been bothering me recently.

“Tell me more.” James turned to ask with interest immediately, “Hand me the guitar, don’t play yet, tell me first.”

“Why are you so curious?”

“You can call me a nosy bastard if you want, but I want to know, spill it.”

“Oh, James…” I liked that he admitted to being nosy, “I don’t know, we’ve been dating for over two months now, right? When we were just talking and flirting, it wasn’t for long, so I guess we didn’t really know each other’s personalities well. She doesn’t seem very okay with me being around her.”

“Not okay? How so?”

“She doesn’t seem very happy with me by her side. She’s always overthinking, suspecting I might be interested in someone else, starting to become more selfish, like she’s constantly worried. I don’t mind that, but she really doesn’t seem comfortable when I’m with her. We argue sometimes about me coming to the game shop, she tells me to quit playing games, that I’m grown up now.”

“Hey, why treat my regular customers like this? If there’s no you, how would my shop survive? A part of your shop’s profit comes from us, you know.”

“Wow, that really shows how often I come.” I chuckled slightly at James’s words.

“So, what’s next?” “Some days, she says she’s too tired from studying, doesn’t want to see me…which I understand, she’s tired. But if possible, I’d rather be the one to help her feel less tired, like I could be her resting place.”

“Feeling like you’re not needed by her, huh?”

“Guess so, it seems like having me around doesn’t make things better for her at all.” I said, giving a wry smile to the other, “I used to think that if I had a girlfriend…”

“Think what?”

“There’s this one song I absolutely love. I want to share it with someone who feels better just because I’m there. Someone who wants me by their side when they’re tired. No matter what they’ve been through each day, no matter how bad it might be, I will try to help them.”

“…” James went quiet, as if intently waiting to hear what I was saying.

“But with my girlfriend, it’s nothing like that, Phii. It feels like I can’t help her at all, even though I’ve tried everything.” I said softly, “It’s like I’m not meant to be there, like I’m not the person she needs, somehow.”

“…”

“So I just keep thinking, yeah. It would be nice if there was someone who really wanted me to be with them.”

“What song?”

“Huh?”

“The song you mentioned, the one you want to play for that person.”

“Fix You by Coldplay.”

“Oh…that song, yeah, it’s really good, touches on every part, doesn’t it?”

“Exactly, the light will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.” I quoted my favorite part, but truthfully, I like every part of the song. From the beginning to the end. That’s why I said if there was someone who felt that way about me, I’d want to dedicate this song to them.

But with Jaja…it’s not like that at all.

   But what can I do? I already love her.

   “Is what you said true? If there’s someone who feels better having you by their side, someone who sees you as a place to rest when they’re tired, would you really want to play this song for them?”

“Yes, of course, and I would do what the song says too, but forget about it. I have a girlfriend now.”

“Hmm, that’s too bad.” James said, letting out a small sigh, “But North, you said it yourself, right? About someone feeling that way.”

“Yes, why?”

“Nothing. If you say that, I bet this song will become someone’s favorite soon.”

And the tears come streaming down your face

   When you lose something you can’t replace

   When you love someone, but it goes to waste

   Could it be worse…?

   Lights will guide you home

   And ignite your bones

   And I will try to fix you

   …

“Someone who feels better because I’m there. Someone who wants me by their side.”

   “Someone who needs me to be with them when they’re tired.”

   “Whatever they face each day, no matter how bad it is, I’ll try to help them…”

   “It’s you, Joe, the person the junior wants to play this song for, it fits you perfectly.” James reiterated, from that evening when I wasn’t in the room because I had gone to the bathroom. When I came back, I saw the junior sitting with James. At first, I thought I’d just ignore it and go sit on the sofa instead, but I was caught by the sentence about having issues with his girlfriend.

“The junior said things aren’t going well with his girlfriend?” Frank asked for clarification.

“I heard that, the junior wants someone who needs him, but his girlfriend doesn’t seem to be like that.”

“Yeah, and here this idiot is, saying he’d cut his feelings off, not go see the junior, it’s been two nights and there’s no improvement.” Frank said, “Now with the junior saying stuff like this, look at you, you’re back to getting drunk again.”

“The junior keeps asking about the person who always sits opposite him, asking if he’s not coming anymore, and now who will keep him company late at night.” James said, “He brings snacks every day, just in case you come back and he can return the favor.”

“Sigh, why ask about it? It’s already hard as hell to get over him, you animal.” I said in frustration, another day where I had to sit and drink like this. During the time I didn’t see him, it wasn’t easy dealing with school, work, feeling tired, wanting to see him, hear his voice, see his smile, and especially today…

If he were by my side, it’d be like the song he mentioned he wanted me to listen to.

   “This song, he didn’t give it to you directly, but look, you’re the person who wants him to be by your side and feels better when he’s there. Wow, it’s clear as day.” James emphasized again, “I feel sorry for you, man, for real.”

“Why?” I asked back.

“You need him by your side, and he needs someone who wants to be with him. You two are like, perfectly matched, but damn, you missed each other by just a step, Joe. Why, man, why, you bastard?” James said angrily, lightly kicking the table.

“James, calm down.” Frank chided, “When it comes to Joe and the kid, it’s just full of ‘whys’, why, why, I’m so over it.”

“And how are you holding up, Joe?” James turned to ask me.

“It’s shit, it’s the worst, especially with this song, I want him by my side even more.” I said, frustrated with myself.

“I think, Joe.” Frank spoke up, “Just go after him and persuade him to have sex with you. For someone like you, you can do it. Or at least talk to his girlfriend a bit, she might break up with him anyway. Trust me.”

“Frank, you asshole.” James turned to scold.

“I’ve thought about it.” I admitted. I really had thought about it. Since I was just late, why don’t I even have the right to try? “But I won’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“If I did that, wouldn’t the one who’d be most hurt be him?”

Because I love his smile so much.

   I don’t want it to go away.

   And so…my first attempt at moving on was a failure.

   The song, “Fix You” by Coldplay.

   When you try your best, but you don’t succeed

   When you get what you want, but not what you need

   When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep

   Stuck in reverse

   When you’ve tried your hardest, but it doesn’t work out

   When you get what you want, but it’s not what you need

   When you’re utterly exhausted, but you can’t fall asleep

   Stuck with failure

   And the tears come streaming down your face

   When you lose something you can’t replace

   When you love someone, but it goes to waste

   Could it be worse?

   And tears stream down your cheeks

   When you’ve lost something irreplaceable

   When you love someone, but your love is of no value

   Could anything be worse?

   Lights will guide you home

   And ignite your bones

   And I will try to fix you

   The lights will lead you back home

   And ignite the fire within you

   And I will try to mend you

   After that, for nearly a month, my life kept revolving around the same routine: waking up early to meet the junior at the tofu shop before school, meeting him again at the game shop in the evening, and ending the day at the bar. Lately, though, I’ve cut back on the drinking because I have to work with my family.

“Call us sometimes.” James said as we were celebrating my departure to LA, where my dad wanted me to intern with my uncle for about a year. I was supposed to board the plane tomorrow.

“Sure.” I promised.

“Honestly, I think it’s perfect for you to go there. I know you’re not planning to heal or anything, but some distance might do you good.” Rong said, blowing out a cloud of gray smoke.

“Yeah, I agree.” James added, handing me a freshly poured drink, “The LA thing is perfect, did your dad force you?” “Not really.” I answered, “He just wants me to go.”

“Hmm, that’s good.” James said, taking a sip from his glass, “Seriously, I think you should be done with this guy. At first, I thought if you couldn’t move on, you should just keep waiting. But like this, I don’t think you can wait anymore. Not only are you in deep, but it doesn’t look like they’ll break up easily. For all we know, they might not break up at all.”

“Umm.” I responded, then took a cigarette from the pack, placed it between my lips, and lit it with a lighter.

“But I respect you, Joe. While you were waiting for him, you didn’t flirt with anyone else.” Frank said, “From someone who never slept with the same girl twice, to not having sex anyone for months, if I were him, I’d be ecstatic.”

“I don’t know.” I shook my head slightly, “Once I realized I was waiting for him, I didn’t want to mess around with anyone else.”

“If you’re going to wait, then don’t be with anyone else. But if you’re going to move on, then it’s not wrong to be with someone else, right?” James chimed in.

“I don’t want to wait anymore.” I said, taking a drag from my cigarette, feeling the coolness spread through my throat before exhaling a gray cloud, “It hurts, it really hurts like hell.”

If I had to wait, I think I could wait. No matter how long.

   I just need to know how long I’ll have to wait.

   Not this aimless waiting.

   “Just keep waiting. See how serious he is.” James said, cursing in frustration, “He once said he wanted to get married, for real, ask yourself, my friend might die of liver cirrhosis before that happens.”

“Yeah.” I agreed, the cigarette making me feel even more drunk because I’m someone who doesn’t get drunk easily. When I want to get drunk enough to forget everything, I smoke and drink. “Smoke more, you’ll be totally plastered today.” Frank said, “A farewell before heading to LA?”

“Probably.”

“Yeah, give it your all, tomorrow we’ll carry you to the airport ourselves.” James said. I nodded, then raised my glass to drink again, not sure how many times.

“James…” I called out to the person sitting nearby in a low voice, as the room started to blur, indicating I was getting drunk.

“Huh?”

“James, take care of the junior for me.”

“Is that the talk of someone who said he’d let go?”

Going to LA exposed me to many things I’d never encountered before, from studying to working, to new social circles. I enjoyed exploring new places, going out more than I did in Thailand. This was another attempt at moving on for me, and it led me back to my old, less admirable ways before I met the junior.

Yes…for some people, when it’s impossible, it really should just end.

♣♣♣

I looked at the bag of soy milk and Chinese donuts next to me with a sense of disappointment. It was almost time to close up, but the uncle who drove the Ferrari hadn’t come. Usually, he’d come every day, albeit a bit late, so I always saved a set for him.

“Isn’t that uncle coming to our shop anymore?” I asked casually while the shop owner was beside me, packing up other things.

“Help me pack up. He stopped coming because you made it too sweet for him.”

“Really? It wasn’t that sweet. I tasted it.” I said, making a sour face at myself. After that uncle kept saying he didn’t want it sweet, I started to wonder if it was really sweet. I put in less syrup now, and if I don’t add any at all, it wouldn’t taste good. “He hasn’t come for a month now, maybe he’s cheating on us and buying from another shop.” I asked the person beside me.

“Maybe. Did he go to the shop behind the market? He might have found someone who suits him better.”

“What? Why would he cheat like this? I’m so disappointed.” I grumbled in regret, got up to help the shop owner close the shop, and ate the set of soy milk and donuts instead. My school isn’t very strict; we line up for the flag ceremony around 8:30, and since the school is close to the market, I could easily walk to school after closing up.

And after drinking this soy milk, I realized…soy milk with less sugar isn’t tasty at all. Why did he always order it without sugar?

Besides the uncle who used to come every day for soy milk, the person who sat at the opposite table at the game shop has also disappeared again. After being gone for a while, when he came back, I had the chance to return the snacks, but now he’s gone again.

“How’s it going with your girlfriend?” James asked while punching my game shop card, “How many months has it been?”

“Oh, six months, half a year now.” I said, recalling that we had just celebrated our six-month anniversary with dessert. The girls are nice, caring about little things like how many months we’ve been together.

“Everything okay now? You said at first she wasn’t really paying attention to you.”

“Yeah, it’s okay now.” I said truthfully. Me and my girlfriend, we understand each other better now. Everything is going well.

“Really? That’s good.” James smiled and handed me the loyalty card, “What time will you leave today?”

“Ten PM as usual, got to pick up my girlfriend.” I said. “Nice, I’ve got some errands outside today. If everyone else has left by ten, and I’m the last one, please lock up the shop for me.” James requested. As I mentioned, by around ten, everyone else starts leaving. James won’t be here, leaving me alone in the shop for sure.

“How can you be the shop owner like this?” I sighed, “Then I might as well go home. I don’t want to be alone.”

“Hey, North. Come on, just do it. Since you’re free, I’ll give you two hundred.”

“Wow, tempting me with two hundred?”

“Five hundred then.”

“James, I’ll definitely stay until ten.” I grinned widely, accepting the five hundred.

“Same as always. We’ll play on the counter computer instead. Anyone who comes to play, just take their details and give them the code, and make sure to charge correctly.” James reiterated. Besides being a regular customer, I come so often that the owner trusts me to watch the shop.

“Got it. I’ve looked after the shop so often people think I’m the owner now.” I said. Being alone always made me think of the person who used to sit across from me at the table.

It wasn’t until I reached the second semester of eleventh grade, the uncle who drives the Ferrari came back for soy milk. I was quite surprised to see the same Ferrari that hadn’t been around for almost a year parked on the opposite side of the road. Then the uncle walked over to order the unsweetened soy milk as usual, emphasizing several times that he didn’t want it sweet.

“You’ve been gone for a long time, huh?” I teased lightly while scooping soy milk into a bag.

“Oh, the young master was studying abroad.” the uncle said with a smile. “The young master? Ah, you’re buying it for someone else?” I asked, it’s my habit to chat with people, though I’m not sure why. There weren’t any other customers at the moment either, “I thought you were buying it for yourself.”

“No, it’s for the young master. He’s waiting in the car.”

“Ah.” I nodded in understanding. I thought so, with such an expensive car, it must mean they’re very wealthy, “Doesn’t the young master like sweet stuff? I’ve been practicing making it less sweet too, just enough syrup to make it tasty.”

“That’s good. The young master doesn’t like sweet things.”

“And he just came back from abroad?”

“Yes, just the other day.”

“Oh…if that’s the case, welcome back then. Here, I’ll throw in some extra donuts.” I said with a wide smile, adding more donuts to the bag.

“…”

“No need to pay. It’s on me. Please tell your young master that I’m glad to have him back, he’s been gone for so long, why leave without a word? I’ve been saving the last bag for him every day, waiting for him to come back.”

…

“Did he say that?” I asked before glancing at the soy milk and donuts in my hand.

“Yes.”

I sighed slightly while looking out through the car window, thinking all the time that the nearly one year in LA would help me get over the junior. But many times while I was there, I found myself missing him subtly, especially when facing tough situations. I often thought about what he would do, what he would think about this.

I admit, not seeing each other for a long time did make me forget a bit.

But when I saw him again…

“Did you fall off the wagon?” James said as he picked up a donut from the bag to eat, “What’s this, you go to LA for a year, and the first time you see the junior…” “Hearing ‘waiting everyday for you to come back’, that killed my friend.” Frank teased before laughing and grabbing a donut too, “Hey, these are good.”

“Damn, what the hell, all my efforts for a whole year.” I said, sighing again. The junior’s words kept echoing in my head.

“Why leave without a word…waiting everyday for you to come back.”

Damn…

“Take it easy. You’re just confused.” James tried to console, “The junior just sees you as a regular customer.”

“James, you…even I would be swayed, someone you’re super into, you try to let go, but they tell you they’ve been waiting for you every day, it’s disorienting.” Frank said, “Especially at the game shop, the junior’s waiting for you.”

“Fate.” I cursed, not in the best mood.

“It’s good, it’s pitiful, is it the smile or the weed? I’m asking seriously, what has my friend become so addicted to?” James said, “Or did North do something to my friend?”

“Yeah, or maybe the junior did something to me.”

“Hold on, what’s with accusing the junior of doing something when you’re the one who got hooked on him?”

“Isn’t that right, Frank? Damn it.” I cursed in frustration again. James and Frank exchanged a brief look before both sighed.

“I bet you’re stuck in the same loop.” James said.

 

   NORTH HOW MUCH IS YOUR LOVE CHAPTERS HOME

NORTHHOWMUCHISYOURLOVE, Chapter 24 part 2

“What?” I said, confused.

“What do you think about this, North? I’m ready to write it down, considering you work to support yourself through school.” Palm asked, pen ready to note down my thoughts. Why choose such a headache-inducing topic?

“What topic are we even on? Hold on, there’s too much going on.” I swore as I got killed in the game, and after a while, that game round ended.

“So, let’s focus on the point about people who are rich because of their parents not being considered rich.”

“Oh.” I paused for a moment, “What would you call it if not rich? Does wealth count by the amount of money or not? It’s not about whether you earned it yourself. If I won the lottery and got ten million, would they say I’m not rich because I didn’t earn it? But I’d have ten million, man.”

“Okay, got it.” Palm nodded in understanding and jotted it down before looking up to continue, “And about being born rich, from a wealthy family, where you don’t have to do anything.”

“What am I supposed to do about that?” I said, picturing it, “I’m rich, what should I do? Should I cut ties with my parents and go wash dishes to support myself? That’s crazy. What parents would want their child to suffer? If they have money, they want their children to spend it.”

“North, calm down, why do you sound so passionate?”

“I am passionate, especially about money stuff, I’m super passionate.” I admitted, laughing at myself, “So, what do you want me to do? I’m rich, you know?” I said, still laughing, “Man, I get passionate about this stuff so easily. I wish I could say stuff like this in real life.”

“Yeah, I get it now. You get into it way too easily.” the person next to me laughed again, though not too loudly because there were others around, “So, about not having to do anything because you’re born into wealth?”

“What should they do then? What do you want them to do?” I countered.

“Yeah, I don’t know about that one.”

“Just saying ‘rich kids’ makes it sound bad, but they’re people too, right? Everyone has asked their parents for money at some point. You’ve asked, I’ve asked sometimes too, and my money runs out mid-month, it’s sad.”

“But when you’re born into a wealthy family, it’s already comfortable. You don’t really have to do anything, you don’t even need to study, don’t need to work, right?” Palm raised an eyebrow.

“Um, that’s true, but being born rich doesn’t mean they lack ability.”

“…”

“We use the term ‘your parents are rich’, and we overlook a lot of things. They might have their own pressures, pressures that we don’t understand. Being rich means they have social expectations, right? Not to mention the comparisons. Life isn’t easy no matter what. They might be trying hard but no one notices, which can be really discouraging.”

“North, you’re giving me chills.”

“Why…did I say something good?”

“No, I just feel like I need to go to the bathroom.”

“You’re a bastard, always with crude jokes.” I said before letting out a small laugh, “So, any more questions? Hurry up, I want to continue my game.”

“There’s one more. What about people who just keep using their parents’ money without caring about anything else, spending it until they die or something like that?” Palm looked down at the report again, reading the question.

“Honestly, I think that’s their business. But are they really okay with living like that?”

“And if they are?”

“Then it’s fine, they should just keep doing it.”

“Don’t you ever think the world is unfair? Like, being born rich means you’re born successful. People like you work so hard.”

“The world has never been fair, has it? What are you going to do about it? Just keep complaining without doing anything, cursing the rich won’t make you rich. It’s annoying.” I said, before diving back into my game. I was starting to get a headache. Why did Palm choose such a hard topic? “If the world isn’t fair, we just have to try harder.”

“So that’s why you work part-time jobs?”

“Partly, but honestly, I just wanted to help my family a bit. Using money you earned yourself feels much prouder, you know? Deep down, it feels better than, say, those rich kids you mentioned. If they want to use their parents’ money until they die, it’s not wrong, it’s their right, but deep down, don’t they feel a bit worthless? Do they really feel okay being looked down upon like that all the time?”

“…”

“Why not improve your life even more when you’ve already got a good start? From rich to super-rich, so rich that those who love to gossip and envy you drop dead, slap them with your own money, is there a problem with that? Slap them with a wad of thousand-baht notes, make their head burst.”

“Damn, slap them with banknotes until their head bursts, how big should that wad be?”

“Exactly, but I think it would be damn satisfying, really. Look down on me, huh? I’m rich, so what? This is my money. Keep talking, I’ll buy the world and kick you out to Mars, so you’ll know what the power of money is like,” I said.

“Damn, that’s brutal, man, I’m scared now.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty damn cool,” I said, holding back laughter along with the person sitting next to me.

♣♣♣

The words of that soybean milk kid kept spinning in my mind, even though hours had passed. I was out for my usual night out, the music in the bar was loud, along with the noise of the crowd. I held a cigarette in one hand, bringing it to my lips again, inhaling and then blowing out the gray smoke.

“But being a rich kid doesn’t mean they have no skills at all…”

   “They might try hard, but no one sees it until they give up.”

   “The world has never been fair, has it? If the world isn’t fair, we have to try harder.”

   Those many phrases echoed in my mind like someone was replaying a tape…The world really isn’t fair, but all we can do is try harder. But the idea of effort never crossed my mind. I’m already rich, after all. Everything seems so easy, I could live like this until I die.

“If they want to use their parents’ money until they die, it’s not wrong, it’s their right, but deep down, don’t they feel worthless? Do they really feel okay being looked down upon like that all the time?”

Yes…deep down, I’m not that happy with who I am, because of the words saying that without my parents’ money, what would be left of me? The answer is nothing.

No one is okay with being looked down upon like this all the time.

“Why not improve your life even more when you’ve already got a good start?”

   “Using money you earned yourself feels much prouder, you know?”

   That’s right, that kid earned his money by himself, even though he’s younger than me. Not from a well-off family, but why does he think like that?

“Joe.”

“Hmm?”

“What are you zoning out about?” James asked as he set his drink down, moving his other hand to wrap around the waist of a woman sitting nearby. “Which girl are you eyeing tonight?”

“Nah, I think I’ll head home.” I said, putting out my cigarette in the ashtray with a sigh, feeling quite bored. The conversation with that kid had been stuck in my head all evening, making it a less than fun night.

“Oh, leaving us just like that?”

“Sorry, see you later.”

“Sure, sure.” I walked out of the game shop, got into my favorite car, and drove home before midnight. Grandma would surely be surprised to see me back so early. My mind was still replaying those words.

Damn, it’s so irritating.

“James, do you remember that kid who sells soy milk?” I asked James while we were at school during lunch break. That kid had kept me up almost all night with too much thinking.

“Yeah, I remember him, but you, you don’t. Why?”

“Tell me about him.”

“You mean…North, right?”

“His name is North?” I raised an eyebrow, questioning.

“Yeah, North is a cute kid, lives near our place, Joe. Why don’t you know him? You drink his soy milk every day.”

“The soy milk that makes Joe here wants to go inject himself with insulin.” Frank interjected, “I didn’t think it was sweet.”

“It is sweet.” I argued, “Continue, James.”

“Why the interest?”

“No reason, just heard him talking to a friend yesterday.”

“Ah, got his heart, huh? I figured. Too bad you were there to hear it, it was clearly about you.” James said, chuckling a little, “I felt a bit choked up for him, but he was right, wasn’t he?”

“If it didn’t hit you in the heart, you wouldn’t think this way, right, Joe?” James asked again, making me sigh slightly, “Seriously, that kid is completely different from you, polar opposites. I heard his dad passed away a long time ago. He lives with his mom and aunt, I guess, because his family isn’t wealthy, so he does parttime work too.”

“Really?” Frank raised an eyebrow in surprise, “He’s in high school, right?” “He’s been working since middle school.” James said, “Now look at you, Joe, born into a rich family but doing absolutely nothing, you’re the opposite.”

“Yeah, damn it.” I cursed in frustration.

“Oh, now you’re irritated.” Frank teased slightly.

“North is an optimist, he’s super laid back, so much so that anyone around him feels at ease.” James said, “He’s also very understanding.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

♣♣♣

“Today, can I go stay over at a friend’s house?” I said cheerfully into the phone, talking to my mom about not coming home tonight because tomorrow was Saturday, and I was still playing games at the shop.

“What about your homework?”

(What work?)

   “Group project, need to help Te and Ball with it.”

(Okay, okay, what time will you be back? Should I pick you up?)

   “Not sure yet, but North can get back on his own.”

(Okay, son.)

   “Yes, mom.”

♣♣♣

“Is that really okay, North? If your mom finds out, you’re in big trouble.” Tae, who was sitting next to me, said with a worried look. These guys knew well how strict my mother could be.

“It’s fine, I’m at your place for a group project, right?”

“But the work is already done.” “Yeah, but I really want to play this game all night, can’t do that at home.” because I don’t have a computer, T^T, and so me and my two friends, Tae and Ball, stayed at the shop playing games late into the night.

My girlfriend was stuck reading books. Normally we don’t talk much because she’s quite the bookworm, and I’m not complaining; I let her read while I play games with my friends.

After more than an hour, suddenly the door to the game shop opened with a loud bang. A woman stood at the doorway, looking extremely angry, holding a stick of star gooseberry in her hand.

Mom…

Damn.

She’s here.

“Mom…” I called out to the person walking in with a mix of fear and apprehension, swallowing hard, feeling a chill run down my spine from the weapon in her hand. My knees felt weak.

“North, oh shit, what do we do, we’re all dead.” Ball nudged me, his voice trembling as well.

“Start praying.” I whispered, feeling terrified, oh no, T^T.

“North!! Didn’t you say you were doing group work? Tae! Ball!”

“Yes, ma’am!” my two friends responded immediately.

“I’ve already called your parents, they’ll be here to pick you up soon.” my mother said kindly to my two friends, though her voice was cold enough to freeze hearts. Their faces turned pale instantly – they had lied to their parents too about group work, “As for you North…”

“Yes…ma’am.” “Come here!” “Ouch, ouch, Mom, don’t pull, Mom.” I cried out loudly when she yanked my ear to make me stand up. Thank goodness the shop was empty late at night. I glanced over to see James watching with amusement, what’s so funny, Phii? T^T

“Were you lying? Huh!”

“Ouch!” I yelled when the gooseberry stick struck me. Why does she hit so hard? It hurt so much, T^T, and then she struck several more times.

“Group work? Lying to your mother now? I never minded your gaming, but to not even come home, do you know how worried people at home were? Don’t be so reckless!”

“Ouch, ow, it hurts, Mom, please don’t hit me, it really hurts, I promise I won’t do it again.” I begged for mercy, but to no avail. The gooseberry stick came down again, this time it broke.

Tears are flowing now…it hurts so much that tears are coming out.

And so, the tears of this grown boy just came out, T^T

“Sniff, Mom, it hurts.” Since the tears were already flowing, I just went ahead and cried, hoping my mom would feel sorry for me.

“Why are you crying!”

“Ouch!”

“Are you a man or not! Hold it in, the more you cry, the more I’ll hit you!”

“Ouch! Mom!”

“What, why are you calling me?”

“Uh, I love you, ouch!”

“Don’t try to cover it up with ‘I love you’, the old tricks don’t work anymore!”

“Ouch!”

I watched the scene before me in astonishment because it was late, and I was planning to go out to a club, having spent the whole day in James’s shop. But when I stepped out and stopped at the corner of the stairs, I heard a commotion. What’s going on?

Did someone;s mom come to take their kid back home?

I saw the soybean milk-selling kid being hit by a woman who I assumed was his mother. He probably stayed out late playing games and didn’t go home. James, who was with us, seemed to find it amusing.

Good grief.

If my mom came looking for me while I was out, I wouldn’t be too happy about it either. That kid must feel the same, getting hit in front of friends like that – isn’t it embarrassing?

“Uh, Mom, if you hit me too hard, you’ll complain about your hand hurting again.”

“Oh dear, this is love. If not, I wouldn’t care, my hand is all red now.”

“See, I have realized my mistake, let’s go eat something nice instead, so you’ll be in a good mood, right?”

Why is he still in such a good mood? What James said about him being easygoing might be an understatement; isn’t he even a little angry or upset?

“I understand you’re worried, I apologize. I promise I won’t do it again, okay?” I said, making a cute pleading face to appease my mother, hoping she’d stop being angry. Eventually, she couldn’t help but laugh.

“There you go, you’re smiling now, right? Let’s go get something to eat instead, let’s go.” I said my goodbyes to my friends and walked out awkwardly due to the pain from the beating.

Even after being punished like that, why wasn’t I angry? Because I understood she was worried, right? If that’s the case, then maybe James was right when he said being with someone like North would make you feel at ease. ♣♣♣ Just hearing a few words from him…

   Words like, ‘doesn’t mean they don’t have any ability at all.’ I don’t know, it was something no one had ever said to me before. Because all my life I’ve only heard things like, ‘You were born rich, you don’t need to do anything.’

   Those few sentences from that day made me rethink things over and over until I decided…I wanted to try doing something on my own.

   And that was the small spark that made me start taking an interest in him.

   The first thing that surprised me was…

   Why does this person look so bright and cheerful? Can someone really have this much positive energy? He smiles a lot, whether he’s selling soy milk, at the game shop, or just talking to others.

   And I found myself getting more and more addicted to that smile.

   “Joe, aren’t you going out to the club anymore? I hardly see you.” a girl from my school walked up to ask, wearing her school uniform, “Do you know that I miss you?”

“Oh, I still go out. Haven’t you seen me?”

“Go to club my ass, Joe.” James chimed in, “You haven’t been out for days, didn’t you notice?”

“Really?” I raised an eyebrow at the other, “Do you really miss me?” I then turned to ask the same girl.

“Yes, I miss you a lot.”

“Then we’ll meet up later, okay?”

“Uhmm, call me, I’ll be waiting.” She whispered softly into my ear, giving a sweet smile before walking away. She had a nice smile, but it didn’t compare to his.

“Joe, seriously, what’s up with you?” Frank asked with a serious tone, “You haven’t been going out for days now, is something wrong?”

“Yeah, I was going to ask the same. Usually, you go out every day, but since last week came around, you’ve just been playing games at my shop and then going straight home.” James added.

“I don’t know, I’m just bored.” I said, expressing how I felt, “No matter how beautiful the women are, I start to feel bored with all of them.”

“The saturation point of a playboy, huh?” Frank asked.

“Probably, I need a break.” I said.

“Sure, do whatever you feel like.” James said, shaking his head slightly in disgust. Yeah…I kind of don’t understand myself either. It’s boring, everything is just boring. No matter how beautiful, sexy, or cute a woman is, I’m bored with it all. Maybe I’ve reached the saturation point as Frank mentioned.

But there’s someone’s smile that makes me want to see it every day. No matter how much I look at it, it’s never enough, to the point where I want to buy it just so I can look at it alone.

I don’t really understand myself right now either, but sitting at the corner table of the shop playing games has become my daily evening ritual, just to see that one smile, to listen to what the junior talks about with friends. I don’t know why I’m so drawn to one person’s laughter, and to see the same person selling soymilk from the cart in front of the market every morning, smiling at everyone who comes to buy, no matter how tired he might be.

But I still wonder when this junior will understand the phrase, ‘no sugar’, for once.

“James.” I called out while the three of us were sitting in the innermost room of the game shop. The shop wasn’t crowded yet since it was still daytime.

“What’s up?” “I’ve got a question for both of you.” I said, turning towards Frank. “Sure, go ahead.” “If I like someone, but they’ve never done anything for me, would that be weird?” My question made the other two look at each other in surprise immediately.

“Huh, what kind of question is that? It’s not weird, why? Who do you like?” James said.

“Really? Someone like you, Joe?” Frank asked, with a look of disbelief.

“Why, what’s wrong with someone like me?” I asked back.

“What the hell.” Frank said, “And then what? Who do you like? Do you really like them?”

“I don’t know, but I know I like them. Not sure if it’s serious or not.” I said it according to my feelings. It’s a-like, but I’m not sure if it’s serious, because I’ve never been serious with anyone. I don’t even understand what ‘serious’ means.

“Who is it?”

“It’s the kid.” I answered.

“The kid? Oh, the one who sits opposite you at my shop all the time, I thought so, I’ve seen you looking often.” James said, “I was wondering, so in the end, you’ve fallen for him.”

“Nong North, huh?” Frank raised an eyebrow. I nodded in confirmation, “Well, that’s good. If you like him, just say it, be straightforward.”

“And why do you like him?” James asked.

“I’m not sure myself, that’s why I asked if it’s strange. Liking someone who hasn’t done anything for me.”

No, saying he hasn’t done anything for me isn’t entirely accurate. If I say he’s like a motivational force that makes me want to change myself, that wouldn’t be too strange, I guess.

   As for North, he’s just being himself…and that’s why I like him even more.

   “It’s not strange. What do you expect him to do for you, jump in front of a bullet like in a drama? That’s foolish, this is real life. You don’t need a reason to love someone, you just do, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And how do you like him, explain it.”

“Well, I like him. I want to see him smile, want to keep it for myself, don’t want him to be cute for others to see, damn, I want to buy him and keep him at home just for me.”

“That’s not just liking, Joe, that’s being smitten, you animal.”

“Yeah, he’s the one who makes me feel like I want to stop fucking around, the first person who made me feel this way.”

“So that’s why you’ve been going out less lately.”

“Probably, something like that.” I answered.

“Would you call this being serious, Joe?” James furrowed his brow, “But for someone like you, who’s never been serious with anyone, this must feel unsettling.”

“It does.” I said.

It felt like I was losing my balance more and more, to the point where I didn’t feel like myself, constantly thinking about how great it would be if he was by my side. But another part of me wondered if someone like me could take care of him.

“I think.” James started, with a slight smirk.

♣♣♣

“North.” I turned around at the call from behind to find James calling my name before he sat down in the chair next to me. Today, I was back at the same game shop. Although the hourly rate is a bit expensive, the system where you can accumulate points for free play is great. I’ve been getting a lot of free hours lately. “Yes?” “I’ve got something to ask.”

“Oh, sure, what is it?” I turned my attention to the person beside me immediately, wondering what was on his mind.

“Well, one of my friends really likes you.”

“Huh?” I raised an eyebrow, surprised by his words, “Yes, and then?”

“Honestly, he probably wanted to tell you himself, but I thought I’d ask first. Do you have anyone special yet?” James asked. Who could it be? One of James’s friends likes me? I don’t even know any of his friends.

“Oh…I have a girlfriend now, sorry about that.”

“…” James looked stunned for a moment, “Really? You have a girlfriend now? Seriously? Why didn’t I know about this? You’ve always said you were single.”

“We just started dating yesterday.” I said, offering him a shy smile.

“Damn it.” James muttered softly while holding his forehead, “My friend really likes you, you know. At first, he said he wanted to court you himself, but I said I could definitely talk to you, so I took the initiative.”

“Oh…but I have a girlfriend now.”

“Hey, seriously, when are you going to break up?”

“James, that’s not nice.” I said, making a sour face at the person beside me, “We just started dating yesterday, why would we break up?”

“Just break up, trust me, my friend is way better.”

“What? That doesn’t matter. I have a girlfriend now.” I reiterated, noticing how James seemed uneasy. Would his friend be very disappointed?

“I’m sorry.” I apologized again.

“North, my friend is really rich, super handsome, perfect in every way.”

“James, what’s this? Are you trying to persuade me?”

“Yes, I’m cheering for my friend. Why not give it a chance?” “But I already have a girlfriend. Talking to someone else would be cheating, and I wouldn’t do that.” I said, shaking my head slightly in refusal, “I’m not the type to cheat on my girlfriend.”

“What’s her name?”

“Her name is Jaja, why do you ask?”

“My friend might love North more than this someone named Jaja does. He might take better care of you. If you close yourself off like this, you might miss out on someone who loves you more, don’t you think? Won’t you give it a chance?”

“Uh…” I was silent for a moment, swallowing hard. I get what James is saying, but still…”Even if that’s the case, he’s come at the wrong time, I guess. Maybe he’s the right person, but at the wrong time.”

“Wow, North, when you talk like that, it breaks my heart. My friend is quite the playboy, but he’s thinking about stopping for you.”

“Really?” I said softly. If what James is saying is true, then that guy must really like me, right?

“…”

“But…he’s still too late.”

“…”

“I’m sorry.”

 

   NORTH HOW MUCH IS YOUR LOVE CHAPTERS HOME

NORTHHOWMUCHISYOURLOVE, Chapter 24 part 1

   Chapter 24: The Other Side

   About three years ago…

   “Umm, ah…” The sound of moaning from the person in front of me ceased. I slowly withdrew, pulling off the condom and tossing it into the trash bin beside the bed, then got up and walked into the bathroom to clean myself up before returning to the bed in just my pants.

I glanced at the beautiful, fair-skinned woman lying on the bed without any clothes, her face flushed and breathing heavily from our earlier activity. “Joe…” She called out softly, then propped herself up and hugged me from behind. “That was amazing, it was really good just now.”

“Was it? Want another round?” I asked, turning to look into her eyes. She looked back for a moment before averting her gaze.

“Don’t look at me like that, I’m embarrassed.” She said with a slight embarrassed look, then let go of the hug and sat next to me on the bed instead. She looked at me with a flirtatious gaze, her hand touching my chest and slowly running down to my stomach.

“God, you have an insane body.”

I didn’t reply, just gave a small smile, then picked up a cigarette from the pack, placed it in my mouth, and lit it with a lighter, inhaling deeply until I felt the coolness in my throat, then exhaled the grey smoke.

“Smoking again.”

“Don’t like it?”

“No, not at all. As long as it’s you, I like everything.” She said with an embarrassed smile, but I felt nothing for her words or her actions. I took out my phone to check the time, seeing it was almost 2 AM, and there were several messages from different people.

I thought about replying to the messages first, but had to put the phone down when she moved closer.

“Who were you talking to?”

“No one.” I said, placing the phone down beside me.

“Hmm, really?” She said in a low voice, making a slight pout, “Johan.” calling my name again, before looking up, her eyes fixed on my face.

“Hmm.”

“You’re so handsome, whose boyfriend are you?” She touched my cheek softly and caressed it, “Am I the only one?” “Indeed, what do you think?” I said half-jokingly, then lifted my hand to gently remove hers from my face.

“That’s right, so can it just be me? Can you break up with the others?” The slender, naked figure leaned into me for another hug, trying to be coy.

It’s not just her; every woman who gets involved with me knows I’m not serious with anyone, yet they still choose to come to me. Some think they can stop me, others come for different reasons, but I don’t care, as long as I can have fun day by day.

“So, what do you want to do?” I asked, before she moved to straddle my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck, her seductive gaze and smile something I’ve seen so often it’s almost tedious. The person on my lap shifted slightly, the light scent of perfume wafting up, “Perfume?”

“Yes, new Gucci scent, do you like it?”

“I do like it, but I prefer your natural scent. Next time, no need to wear any.” I said, my words making her smile broadly with satisfaction.

Not really…

Because the perfume would stick to me, and others would smell it too.

“Do you really like it? Then I’ll go take a shower.” She said, leaning in to whisper in my ear, “We can go for another round.”

I gave a slight, amused twitch of a smile at her words.

But now…I’m getting bored.

“We need to leave soon.”

“Aw, why?”

“I’ll go ahead.” I said, moving my hands to her waist to lift her off my lap, despite the touch of her soft, bare skin. I saw her pristine, unclothed body, but I felt no desire anymore; after just a few encounters with the same person, I get bored.

“Wait, no!” “Kiss me, please. Ever since we’ve been together, all we do is have sex. We’ve never kissed.” She said, making a pleading face again, leaning in close, her lips lightly touching mine, but I didn’t reciprocate.

“I don’t like kissing, sorry.” I said, gently pushing her away, standing up and putting my shirt on, leaving her alone on the bed with a disappointed look. Yes…I don’t kiss my sexual partners.

And I’ve never kissed anyone before.

I can’t even imagine…if I would ever kiss someone out of love.

“Joe, are you really leaving?”

“Yeah, I have to go. See you later.” I said, heading towards the door. This room was in a hotel that I had rented, and I paid for it. It’s more accurate to call it a love hotel, one where they don’t check your age in the tourist area. As long as you have money to pay, it’s fine. She can check-out herself in the morning.

“Wait…just a second.” She quickly put on a robe and followed me, grabbing my arm, “Joe, tell me you love me, before you go, can you? You’ve never said you love me since we’ve been together.”

“Sure.”

“…” She looked like she was waiting for my words.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Joe.” She said, smiling happily. I patted her head lightly before leaving the room. Those ‘I love you’s when I don’t actually love…I’ve said them countless times, as long as they want me to say it.

Even though I know deep down it’s all lies…

“Johan is so lucky, born with everything, handsome, rich, living a luxurious life without needing to do anything.”

   “With that much money, who wouldn’t like it? Plus, he’s incredibly good-looking, any woman would want him, it’s only natural. Who doesn’t like rich people?”

   “I’m jealous, seriously, he doesn’t even need to study. The money his parents make now could last him lifetimes. If I were him, I wouldn’t study either.”

   “Born rich, that’s the good life, huh. Doesn’t have to do anything, born into comfort with money to spare.”

   Hah…idiots.

I cursed under my breath in frustration, exhaling cigarette smoke to ease the irritation inside. At this late hour, the annoying words of people often resurface in my mind, even when I try not to think about anything.

And it always manages to piss me off.

What made it even more irritating was that what they said was true.

I was born into a family that could be described as well-off, involved in electronics businesses and many other ventures. From birth to adulthood, everyone treated me like I was special because I was the only son of the owner of one of the nation’s largest companies.

“It’s because of your good looks and money, so how can you tell who’s really serious about you if you had nothing left? Just see who would still like you.”

The words of a childhood friend echoed in my mind as I stepped into my car, started it, and drove back home.

Am I not thinking straight?

If you had nothing, who would like you?

I’m not a womanizer because I think like that, you know, like ‘no one takes me seriously, so I don’t have to take anyone seriously either.’

No, I’m a womanizer purely because that’s my nature.

I’ve never been serious about it when someone says they like me because of my money or looks. It’s not strange for people to like someone for such reasons.

I parked the car at the large house’s driveway, my grandmother’s home, who owns all the land around here. I moved in with her since high school because my parents rarely had time. This kind of neighborhood is quite peaceful, but the downside is that the school I attend is far away, and so are the places to hang out.

I went up to my room, took a shower, and then flopped onto my bed. Tomorrow I’d have to go to school again…oh well.

“Young Master…Young Master, it’s time to wake up.” I was roused by the voice of the butler uncle, waking me up. It was late again, wasn’t it? I quickly got dressed into my not-so-neat school uniform, didn’t tuck in my shirt, and my socks and shoes were out of regulation, but who cares?

“You’re late again.” Grandma said as she walked me to the car.

“But you, you look beautiful again.” I teased a bit before going in for a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Always flattering, you little charmer.” Grandma said, gently pinching my cheek. “Now hurry up. You never have time for breakfast. Rong, make sure to buy food for Joe as usual.”

“Yes.” Uncle Rong nodded. I looked at him with a slight annoyance.

“Can’t I drive myself for once?”

“No, later in the evening, if you go out, make sure to come back for dinner before going out at night, understand?” Grandma said with the same old phrase. Uncle Rong drives me to and from school because if I drive myself, I’ll sneak out and not come back for dinner at home.

At the very least, I have to come home for dinner, then I can go out wherever I want. Grandma is very indulgent with me; she never opposes me, especially not about money.

I sat in the back seat of the car while Uncle Rong drove past the market in front of the village before stopping.

“Can’t we not eat that?” I asked, irritated, glancing outside. This car has tinted windows, so people outside can’t see in. “No, Young Master, Khunying has instructed.” Uncle Rong replied.

“Don’t let that kid make my milk again.”

“That would be rude. We can’t choose who makes it.”

“Then tell him I don’t want it sweet.” I reiterated a phrase I’ve said countless times.

“Yes.” Uncle Rong agreed before closing the car door and heading to buy soy milk from the market stall. Since I always wake up late and miss breakfast, Grandma usually tells Uncle Rong to stop for soy milk for my morning meal, saying it’s good for health.

Really?

I might die of diabetes at this rate.

I sighed while glancing out, the old man selling it does a good job, but that kid makes it ridiculously sweet. No matter how many times I say I don’t want it sweet, every bag is sweet.

After a while, Uncle Rong returned with soy milk and Chinese donuts in hand. I reached out to take them.

Sweet…

Again.

I frowned at the overly sweet taste filling my mouth. I don’t like sweet things, especially something this sweet, but I have to drink it every morning. What a fate.

“Why did that kid make it again?” I grumbled slightly.

“I can’t tell him not to make it, that’s not right, Young Master. He’s quite nice. He even threw in extra donuts.” Uncle Rong said before starting the car, “I guess he remembers that I come every day. He really pays attention to his customers.”

“It would be even better if he paid attention to my blood sugar levels too.” I said with a sigh. “How should one feel when a friend steps out of a Ferrari, but he’s carrying a bag of soy milk to drink at school every day?” ‘James’ , one of my friends, came over to greet me as I got out of the car in front of the school, because I hadn’t finished it, so I had to bring it to school to continue eating.

“Why not? Can’t I drink it?”

“Are you that fond of the soy milk vendor? Why do you have to drink it every day?”

“No, but I have to drink it, don’t I? Where else can I choose from?” I grumbled.

“It’s not that sweet, right? From what I tasted when I tried it last time, it was delicious.” James said.

“It’s insanely sweet. I have to take insulin after drinking it.” I sighed, then tossed the empty soy milk and doughnut bags into the trash, walking into school with James.

“But the one who sells it, do you remember him? The senior who often comes to my shop.” James asked. He runs a game shop near my neighborhood, but the school I’m at is really far from the neighborhood, though it’s better than the schools closer to home.

“I didn’t.”

“You drink him soy milk every day and still can’t remember?”

“Do I have to remember?” I turned to ask the person beside me.

“You can’t even remember the name of the girl you slept with last night, can you?” James teased. I didn’t argue because I really couldn’t remember. “I’ve got something new. Want to try it out?”

“Really? From where?”

“From England.”

“Have you tried it?”

“It’s top-notch.” James said. “Sounds good, let’s go this afternoon.” I agreed. As I mentioned, I’m not that good of a person; drinking, chasing girls, and other not-so-great things. James and Rong are the same. This ‘new thing’ he’s talking about is a vape from overseas.

“You two.” a voice called out from behind, making us both turn around immediately. It was the discipline teacher we’ve encountered often enough to recognize, “Your shoes are against the dress code, why isn’t your hair in the proper style, why isn’t your shirt tucked in properly, and your socks are too short again.”

“Oh, come on, teacher, it’s just these things.” James said with the mischievous tone we often use when dealing with strict teachers. We’ve been caught so many times it’s practically routine.

“Who told you to wear sneakers to school? Inside the Nike ones, limited edition or not, the teacher will confiscate them all. It’s against school rules. How many times do I have to say this? You three are the worst.”

“But there’s only two of us here.” I said, “Did you see anyone else besides us?” Then I looked around the room, feigning ignorance, which only made the teacher angrier.

“I meant your friend Frank too, you three are the most frequent violators of the school rules.” the teacher said with a displeased look, “Go to the disciplinary room now.”

“Wow, this is easy.” I said, “Better to sit in the cool air-conditioned room than to study, huh, James? We don’t have to go to class.”

“Yeah, that’s right, I agree, Joe, right? We can even go get some coffee from the teacher’s room. Teacher Sukontha’s coffee is the best. Last time, I snuck in to make some.”

“Hey, you all!”

“Oh, but you told us to go to the disciplinary room.” I questioned, “Or do you want us to go back to class?” “Oh, my head hurts, just come during lunch break then, go line up for the flag ceremony now.” the teacher said, exasperated, before leaving. Me and James exchanged a small laugh before heading to the lineup.

At lunch break, me and my two friends headed to the school gate, planning to sneak out.

“The teacher was really annoyed, why didn’t we go when we were supposed to?” James said.

“We’ll go apologize later, teacher.” I said before throwing my backpack over the fence, then climbing over with the other two following. It didn’t take long before we were outside the school.

“Are we going to your shop, James?” Frank asked while starting the car. I and James were sitting inside.

“Yes.”

“Did you get new stuff? That was quick.”

“Just the usual, VIP customers get first dibs.” James said proudly, raising his eyebrows. We then headed back to James’s game shop, where a friend was helping to open it for us. We entered through the front, which was just an ordinary game shop, but further inside was our hangout spot, with a sign that said ‘No Outsiders Allowed.’

We often hung out here when we had nowhere else to go; bars and other entertainment spots aren’t open during the day. If you ask why we don’t stay in school, I’d just say we’re bored of it. And it’s not just us; many of our friends like coming here too.

“Hey, what’s up?” a friend from another class greeted us as we walked in, “Joe, heard you were out with a kid yesterday?”

“I don’t know, not really a kid anymore, I guess.” I said, slumping down on the sofa. “How was it? Give us a review.”

“She’s not that bad.” I said, taking the vape from James, “She’s sweet like animal feed, but smooth.” I added after trying the new vape that James recommended.

“Not that bad, really? That’s the school star of the girls’ school, man.”

“Well, it’s not that bad, even when she was on top, I wasn’t in the mood.” I admitted my thoughts. Everything about my words, actions, and thoughts clearly shows I’m really a bit of a jerk, and people with similar attitudes tend to stick together like all of us here.

Living life for daily fun without caring about tomorrow, doing whatever we want, everything we desire can be bought with money.

Yes…no need to try hard at anything.

Just being born rich already judges you.

My phone rang, and I saw it was my dad calling. I let out a small sigh at the sight of the caller ID before stepping away to answer the call, still holding the vape in my other hand.

(Johan)

   “What?”

(Skipping school again? The teacher called to complain.)

   “Oh, right, then why ask?” I grumbled back, then took another drag from the vape.

(Why aren’t you attending classes?)

   “I’m lazy.”

(When will you stop acting like this? I won’t say anything if you don’t want to study, come work with me then. Don’t just spend your days drinking, smoking, and chasing women. You’re smoking right now, aren’t you?)

   “…” (I’ve never minded you spending money, you can spend however much you want, but don’t just waste your days like this, can you?)

   “…”

(Stop acting like a loser.)

   “How many times have you said that now? Aren’t you tired of it?”

(Of course I’m tired, I’m tired of nagging.)

   “Then stop nagging. I’m hanging up now.”

(Hold on, Joe, I still want to talk to you about…)

   I hung up, not in the best of moods, the same old words my father keeps pouring into my ears almost every day when we’re in the same house. Now that I’ve moved in with Grandma, he still calls to say the same things. Why does it have to be so annoying?

Is he allergic to dogs or something?

Hah, and so what?

I walked back inside just as James was coming out of the room.

“Did your dad call again?” James raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah.”

“Let’s go play some games to cheer up, shall we? I’m about to go watch the shop, it’ll get busy when school lets out.” the other suggested. I nodded slightly before heading outside.

♣♣♣

I rode my motorbike to the front of the tutoring school and parked. When the bike stopped, the person riding behind me slowly got off, glancing back at me.

“I’ll go up first, remember to pick me up at half past six, okay?”

“Sure.” I smiled in acknowledgment, watching Jaja walk into the tutoring school. Jaja is the only girl I’m currently talking to, or rather, trying to court, but we’re not dating yet. I had about two and a half hours to kill before she was done, and the usual place I go to pass the time is James’s game shop.

“You’re late today, North.” James remarked when I walked into the shop.

“I had some errands.” I said, “I’ve completed my hours, right, James? You said after I play for a certain amount, I get two free hours.” I handed over the game time card. James is a senior to me by one year, we go to different schools, and his school is supposedly very posh with high tuition fees.

“You’re a regular customer now.” James teased a bit before looking at the card, “Ah, okay, free play for two hours, same table as usual?” I nodded. I like sitting at the table in the corner; the place is very spacious, and each table has its own partition, offering a lot of privacy.

I took the activation code and sat down at my usual spot.

The smell of cigarettes…

I frowned slightly at the faint smell of cigarettes drifting from the person at the table opposite mine, definitely. The partition is too high for me to see who it is, and it would be rude to peek.

After playing on the computer for a while, my phone rang. It was a friend from the neighborhood calling. I answered immediately.

(North. Are you at home? I want to come over.)

   “I’m not at home, I’m at the game shop, what’s up?”

(Homework for Research class, my group has to submit it tomorrow. Can you help?)

   “Come over, I’m at James’s game shop.”

(Can I come? I need to ask you some questions. Will it bother others?)

   “Probably not. There aren’t many people right now, hurry up.” I said, before Palm hung up. It was around 4 PM. Normally, I’d be here earlier since my school finishes early. It’s not a very strict school, just a small one.

But lately, I’ve stopped coming to the game shop first thing. I have to drop off my girlfriend at her tutoring session first, and after she’s done, we eat together, then I take her home.

I was already into my game when Palm walked in, sat down at the table next to mine, and pulled out his research report.

“Alright, let’s start then, North.”

“Hold on, Palm, I’m focusing.” I said, eyes still on the computer screen in front of me, “What’s your group’s topic?”

“It’s about people’s perceptions of wealth, like the rich versus the poor.”

“Wow…” I said, sounding impressed, “Your group’s topic seems meaningful. Look at mine, asking what brands of kibble different dog breeds prefer, how am I supposed to know that? It depends on the individual dog’s taste. Not every Beagle likes Pedigree, you know.”

“Who chose that topic, seriously?” Palm asked, laughing.

“Asshole Tae.”

“I knew it. That’s so pointless.”

“It’s useful information for people just starting to own dogs.” I explained, “So they can choose the right brand of kibble for the breed, to make sure the dog likes it. But in the end, if the dog says it wants to eat pork larb, then that’s it.”

“North, you’re something else.” The person next to me called out my name and burst into laughter, holding his stomach, “You’re in a good mood today.”

“Isn’t that normal? And have you asked others already? Why do you have to ask me?”

“Well, the target for the survey had to be from our school and the same grade. We’ve asked a few people, but I thought it’d be better to ask you directly, especially since you’re pretty knowledgeable about money matters, North.”

“I’m really into the money talk.” I said while clicking my mouse to play the game, listening to Palm through one ear, while my brain tried to process two things simultaneously, “What about the others, what did they say?”

“Well…” Palm went silent for a moment as he opened the report, “I asked something like, what do they think about rich people? They all pretty much said they’re jealous, especially of those born with a silver spoon, you know, born rich. They don’t have to do anything and they’re comfortable.”

“Oh, right, go on.” I said, having listened but not really processed it because I was focused on the game.

“People who got rich on their own are more respectable, those who are rich because of their parents aren’t really considered rich.”

“Why’s that?” I inquired.

“I asked around a lot, and that’s what I wrote down. They also said the worst are those who just spend their parents’ money day in and day out, like they were born to make their parents struggle, leeching off them, even though they themselves don’t do anything, just waiting to spend the money.”

 

   NORTH HOW MUCH IS YOUR LOVE CHAPTERS HOME

NORTHHOWMUCHISYOURLOVE, Chapter 23 part 2

“Phii Prang.” Phii Joe called out as he walked back into the kitchen, “Are you free?”

“I have something to do next, why?”

“Could you stay with the kid for a bit? I’m going out.”

“Business?”

“Uh, at the faculty.”

“Are you going to the faculty?” I asked when I heard Phii Joe was going out. He nodded slightly, “Why are you going there, sir?”

“To help Hill with the Sport Day meeting, and also about Arthit not wanting to come back.”

Phii Arthit still hasn’t come back…

“Can I go too? If Phii Hill is going, Ter will have to go too, right?” I asked.

“Ter is going, but you stay here. You can’t go.”

“I can go.” I said. Phii Prang mentioned she had work to do. I didn’t want to bother her to stay with me, and I didn’t want to be alone either. It would be better to go with Ter, “Can I go too?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Alright then.”

Before leaving, we thanked Phii Prang for the food and clothes she bought, and then Phii Joe and I went to the medical faculty. I wore a hoodie zipped up to my neck and a face mask as usual. My hip pain was gradually improving, and I could walk normally now, though it still hurt a bit.

The luxury car pulled up at the medical school parking lot. Earlier, when we left the condo, I noticed an Audi and a Jaguar belonging to Phii Johan parked nearby. How many cars does that guy own?

Upon arrival, there were a few people around, and importantly, eyes were on us. I didn’t quite understand it, but I felt slightly uncomfortable with the attention. We took the elevator up to the medical building, where there was a coffee shop on the fifth floor. Once inside, we found a private room where Phii Hill and Ter were sitting.

“What’s up?” Phii Joe asked right away.

“You’ll be meeting with me about Sports Day, then wait for Far to come, and go talk to the dean about Arthit. Otherwise, he’s definitely getting suspended.” Phii Hill said.

“Damn.”

Phii Hill stood up, causing Phii Johan to follow suit, and then both of them left, telling me and Ter to wait in this room. I still wondered why there’s a shop like this in the medical building. It’s too luxurious, and the sofa is incredibly comfortable.

“Wow, North.” Ter said softly, looking a bit uneasy, “So…you guys became a couple yesterday?”

“Ter, stop teasing, please.” I said. Just being teased by Phii Prang earlier made me want to crawl into the ground out of embarrassment. Or just vanish completely, T^T. “And you, how did you manage to get my rubber duck dirty while you were with Phii Hill?”

“I just stopped by the dorm to get some stuff, was holding cocoa too, and then I spilled it.” Ter said. “Oh my god, you messed up my nong rubber duck, and did you finish washing it?”

“It’s done. It’s dried too, just waiting for it to dry completely, your nong dries easily.”

“You calling it ‘nong’ is so cute.” I said, letting out a small laugh at his words, “And hasn’t Phii Arthit come back yet?”

“Not yet.” Ter shook his head, “He’s been gone longer than Phii Joe, who almost died filling out leave forms. Phii Arthit didn’t even apply for leave or anything, just said he was going with Phii Joe. The dean called them back, all three of them, since as friends, they should know what’s going on.”

“Wow…”

“About the Medical Faculty’s Sports Day, there’s been some trouble.”

“What kind of trouble?”

“Money used for the activities was embezzled, and almost half of it was under Phii Joe’s name. Since Phii Hill is the class president, he had to call Phii Joe for a meeting.” Ter explained. I had heard some rumors about the Sports Day in the medical faculty; they have a huge budget for these activities, I heard there’s nearly a million baht in there. Every year, the stands, the parade, everything is just spectacular.

And now, half of that money had something to do with Phii Joe…

Cut to my engineering faculty, T^T

The medical faculty has a very high budget, so everything is luxurious. From the buildings, the educational equipment, to the shops around the faculty, they have everything in abundance. The medical side seems like it’s already developed. One thing that bothers me is the medical school building, which has four elevators per building, but our engineering faculty doesn’t have a single elevator. We have to walk up the stairs every day to get to class, no matter which floor. The students’ knees are all worn out.

Engineers are the ones who build elevators…

So why doesn’t our faculty have any elevators? I’m confused.

“From what they were discussing earlier, I heard Phii Joe say, ‘I’m too lazy for meetings, just let it go, let them embezzle it.’“

“Hold on, you can’t just ignore half a million baht.” I said, making a face of disbelief. How could bro just brush off half a million like that?

“He said he wanted to spend time with you more than going out today.”

“…Really?” I just said that. Oh my, why is he always like this? T^T After a while, someone walked in. I turned to see it was Phii Tonfa. We all greeted him with a wai, and he returned the gesture with a smile.

“Are Hill and Joe in a meeting for Sport Day?” Phii Fah asked.

“Yes.”

“Then it should be over soon, right?” Phii Fah said, “And Nong North, so you’ve decided to date Joe now?”

“Uh…yes.” I answered, nodding to him.

“Congratulations, may you both have a long relationship. If you need any help, just tell me, since you’re dating my friend.” Phii Fah said with a warm smile.

Phii Fah…T^T

What’s with this aura of kindness? It’s hurting my eyes.

“Fah.” Phii Hill called out, and then both seniors sat back down in their original spots.

“How did it go?”

“Joe, man.”

“What happened, are you pissed again?” Phii Fah turned to ask Phii Joe, who seemed to be in a less than good mood judging by his expression. “Yeah, that idiot is annoying. I’ve said not to talk to fools. It’s just a few hundred thousand, what’s there to cheat about? It’s easier to just ask me for money.”

“It’s not about the money being cheated, but having to come to this meeting because of it, damn it.” Phii Hill said, looking resigned as he placed some documents on the table, “The issue isn’t the amount of money. I know you’re not serious about it, but the faculty is. If you keep letting it slide, it’ll become a bigger deal.”

“I know. That’s why I’m here at the meeting, isn’t it?” Phii Johan said before letting out a small sigh.

“Getting over anger easily means you’re in a good mood today, huh?” Phii Fah commented. Phii Joe shrugged indifferently before pulling me closer to sit between his legs and hugging my waist, letting me lean against him in a way he usually liked.

But this is…

We’re not alone here…

!!!

“U…uh, Phii.”

I widened my eyes in shock when suddenly he pressed his nose and lips against my cheek, then turned my face away slightly, which made the other person somewhat displeased.

“Stay still.”

“Sigh, I want to take back what you said to me.” Phii Hill spoke up, “Joe, can you see us?” Phii Hill’s words made Phii Johan burst into laughter.

“Smitten with the junior, and now even more so since you’ve become a couple.” Phii Fah teased lightly, causing my face to flush even more before I tried to squirm away and return to my original seat.

“Come sit here.” Phii Joe ordered. “No. I’m good.” I said softly.

“Poor junior, he’s all bruised up now, Joe.” Phii Fah said, “Take it easy on him, it’s only your first day as a couple.”

“He’s not just a boyfriend anymore.” Phii Johan said, raising one eyebrow and giving a slight smirk.

“Wow. Look at you smiling, are you trying to annoy us?” Phii Fah said with an exaggerated annoyed expression, “What about Arthit’s situation? My dad said he’s free in half an hour, we’re going to get it hard.”

Phii Fah’s words made Phii Hill and Phii Joe look at each other and sigh in resignation.

“Have you transferred the money to him, Joe?” Phii Hill asked as if he just remembered.

“I’ve transferred it. Right after you called.”

“How much? Enough for the ticket?”

“I transferred millions. It should be enough for him to know, I even added for his travel expenses and food.” Phii Joe said with a bit of irritation, “Why hasn’t he come back? What is he doing with my money?”

“I think it’s like when he went to Mongolia.” Phii Hill said.

“Oh…” Phii Johan nodded, then laughed again, “Is he getting into the local lifestyle again? Why does he always get into it so easily?” His words made me laugh as well.

What does it mean to get into the local lifestyle? Has Phii Arthit gotten so into it that he doesn’t want to return to Thailand?

   “Has this happened before?” Ter turned to ask Phii Hill.

“Yes, Arthit is the type who gets bored easily, loves to try new things. Once he goes, it’s hard to get him back, especially when he goes with Joe. He won’t come back. No one can stop him.” “Why stop him? If he’s happy doing it, let him. The problem is it’s my money.” Phii Joe complained, “Probably used my money to marry someone there, and in another year, he’ll send a picture of the kid back to show off.”

“That can’t be, but when it comes to Arthit, yeah, I think it might actually happen.” Phii Fah said, still laughing at what Phii Joe had just said, suggesting that in a year, Arthit would send a picture of his kid saying the money transferred that day was spent on marrying someone in Brazil. He’s not coming back to Thailand. Is that how it is?

“Have you tried calling him?” Phii Joe asked.

“I called, but it didn’t connect. Try it, maybe he’s waiting for your call to get more money.”

“Oh please.” Phii Joe said, shaking his head slightly in disgust before pulling out his phone to make the call. After a while, Phii Arthit picked up, and the speaker was turned on for everyone to hear. As usual, there was only background noise.

“Arthit.” Phii Joe called out.

(Yeah, Joe, what’s up?)

   “Where are you?”

(Manáus)

   “Still not leaving Brazil, huh?”

(Not yet)

   “What are you doing in Manáus?”

(Fishing for piranha) The voice from the other end made everyone at the table laugh again. Why is this so entertaining? Why can’t he just let go of piranha fishing?

“Manáus? Fishing in the Amazon?”

(Yes)

   “How’s it going?” (Pretty good)

   “Good then, come back with my money now. We’re in trouble because the dean called us about you.”

(Really, why’d they call?)

   “Because you won’t come back, do you want to get suspended?”

(Yeah yeah, I’ll come back today…maybe. Don’t know if they’d let me go back.)

   “Who?”

(Hold on, I’ll put it down. It’s my turn now.)

   “What turn?”

(The nurse is calling.)

   “Are you at the hospital? Arthit?” Phii Johan asked seriously.

(Yeah, I’m at the hospital.)

   “What happened? Why do you need to go to the hospital?”

(Piranha bit me.)

   Everyone at the table burst out laughing at the words from the other end of the line. What is it with this guy, with Phii Arthit, how many times do I have to say “What’s with you?” He got bitten by a piranha, presumably while fishing in the Amazon alone.

“What’s with you, man? How many stitches do you need?”

(Probably seven stitches, my hand is covered in blood now.)

   “Okay, okay, just hurry back then.”

(Yeah, I’ll go get stitched up first.)

   And then Phii Johan hung up amidst the laughter at the table. What kind of person is Phii Arthit really? It’s like he lives life without any plan, just doing whatever he feels like. Phii Hill said he gets bored easily, but how bored does one have to be to go get bitten by piranhas in the Amazon? Then the conversation at the table shifted as we waited another half hour for the Dean, as Phii Fah had mentioned. Once the half hour was up, everyone left, leaving just me and Ter in the room.

“North, do you want some brownies?” Ter asked, pushing the brownie tray towards me. Ter really loves sweets. As for me, I’m indifferent; I can eat them, or not, but being around Ter makes me feel like my blood sugar is going up just from looking at them.

“It’s okay.” I shook my head in refusal. Not that I didn’t want to eat, but my mouth hurt, so I couldn’t, T^T.

“Is your mouth cracked again?”

“Yeah.” I nodded, because right now I had a bandage over my mouth, but Ter could probably guess.

“That’s intense, I was so excited when you guys became a couple yesterday.” Ter said excitedly, “Did you ask to be his boyfriend at the viewpoint on the hill?”

“Yes, because I once said I wanted to go there.”

“Fantastic, and your caption was super sweet, both of you. Didn’t you update your relationship status on Facebook or take a couple photos or something?”

“I don’t know, but should I update my relationship status on Facebook again? I already get a lot of friend requests just from this. It’s like when you first started dating Phii Hill, everyone got famous, right?” I asked, although I already knew the answer. Indeed, everyone did get famous.

“Well, yeah, and have you figured out why Phii Joe likes you?”

“I don’t know.” I shook my head, “He won’t tell me.”

“Oh, that’s frustrating.” It’s not that he won’t tell me, but the conditions for asking questions are so unfair. After talking with Ter for a while, the seniors came back and then we all parted ways.

The strange thing was Phii Joe was taking me back to my dorm. “Are we going back to the dorm?” I asked the person in the driver’s seat. This route clearly leads back to my dorm. Usually, Phii Joe would have me stay with him.

“Yes.” Phii Joe simply replied before looking ahead at the road. I noticed Phii Hill’s car following behind, so Ter was probably heading back to the dorm too. I, who had nearly had heart attacks multiple times being with Phii Joe, desperately needed some time to breathe, T^T.

“Oh, why are you parking here?” I asked, surprised. Normally, Phii Joe drops me off at the front of the dorm and drives off, but now he had parked inside the parking lot under the dorm. He then got out of the car, which meant what exactly? Was Phii Joe coming up to my room?

“Is Phii Hill coming too?” I heard Ter ask, turning to see Ter looking confused at Phii Hill, and then he looked at me with the same expression.

The four of us went up to the dorm, still puzzled about why Phii Hill and Phii Joe were here, and then we were surprised to find my room door open.

!!

Wait…

Why are my and Ter’s things moved outside?

“What’s going on here?” I immediately turned to ask Phii Joe.

“You’re moving in with me.”

“Ha! How is that possible!”

“I told you already.” Phii Joe said before walking into the room. I followed him inside, finding the room noticeably emptier. There were about three movers packing our stuff into boxes. “Why is this room so small?”

“I told you.” Phii Hill said as he entered the room, “You’ve been here before.”

“I didn’t notice at that time.” Phii Joe said before slumping down into the chair at the computer desk. “Ter, what’s going on? Did Phii Hill tell you?” I moved closer to whisper to Ter, who turned to shake his head at me, looking equally confused. He probably didn’t know either.

“Phii Hill, but me and North can’t move out yet. Otherwise, we won’t get our dorm deposit back.” Ter spoke up, doing well. We have to argue back sometimes; we can’t let ourselves be pushed around like this in every situation, T^T.

“How much is it?” Phii Hill asked back.

“Five thousand each.” Ter replied.

“Hill and I can give ten thousand each.” Phii Johan offered.

“Phii, but you can’t just force North to move out like this.” I said, making a sour face. The janitor glanced at us briefly before continuing to pack things away.

“Why not?”

“Because this is my room.”

“Oh, but now it’s a dorm room.”

!!

Why does this always happen, T^T

“Excuse me, do you want to pack your personal belongings yourself, or should we do it?” one of the janitors asked.

“Uh, we’ll pack it ourselves.” I and Ter said almost simultaneously, then started packing our things out of necessity. I packed my personal items and clothes into boxes. So, this is the extent of my packing, what else can I do?

So, they really bought the dorm and are kicking me out…

It’s quite disheartening, TT

“North, what about this table?” Ter asked me about the desk we had bought together. Now that we’re going to live separately, what should we do with it?

“Yeah.” “Do you want it, Hill? The stuff on it.” Phii Joe asked the person sitting next to him.

“I don’t.”

“Then just throw it away, just take your personal stuff.” Phii Joe said. It’s easy for him to say. At first, I didn’t think I’d have to move, and now I can’t even imagine what it would be like to move in with him.

Once everything was packed, the movers started taking things downstairs, separating Ter’s and my belongings. Even the bed sheets had to be discarded, those beloved pig-beds of ours, T^T.

“North, the duck toy is still outside, it should be dry by now.”

“Right, right.” I said. How could I forget the duck toy? It’s really important. I had to place it at the head of the bed. I went out to the balcony to pick up the duck toy that had been left there; it was a small plushie, not even big enough to hug.

“Short-legged duck.” Phii Joe remarked when he saw me walking back into the room with the duck, the same way he criticized it when he first saw my profile picture, T^T. “Just throw it away. No need to bring it into my room.”

“No way, it’s important to me, it’s cute too, give it a chance.” I said, waving the duck in front of Phii Joe.

“Important?” Phii Joe raised an eyebrow slightly.

“Yes.”

“How so?”

“Well…it was a graduation gift.”

“And then?”

“Uh…well…how should I put it, it kind of saved my life.” I looked at the plushie in my hand, reminiscing about that day, the day of the high school graduation when my ex-girlfriend broke up with me. I remember how that day felt like the world was falling apart. Instead of celebrating with friends, I spent half the day in a daze until someone gave me this duck, saying it was sent by someone else.

It was a duck with a cheeky face, accompanied by a note that read:

‘Smile a bit, :)’

   Seeing that message, I smiled without realizing it, as if someone was waiting for my smile. Looking at the duck made me feel comforted. I don’t really understand why. I tried to find out who gave me this duck, but no matter how much I searched, I couldn’t find them. I really wanted to tell them, thank you so much for turning what was a really sad day into a better one.

“Can I keep it with me?” I asked him with a pleading tone.

“You like it that much?” Phii Johan asked back.

“Yes.”

“Please?”

“Sigh.”

“…”

“All right then.”

“I bought you so many things, why do you have to like that stupid duck too?”

 

   NORTH HOW MUCH IS YOUR LOVE CHAPTERS HOME

NORTHHOWMUCHISYOURLOVE, Chapter 23 part 1

   Chapter 23: Waiting for You

   Ugh…

   It hurts.

   The first feeling was pain…pain all over, especially in the waist and hips, and then my mouth. I could already tell that my lips must be chapped again. I grimaced with the pain that shot through when I moved slightly, and soon after, I started to feel a headache as if I was coming down with a fever.

I opened my eyes with difficulty, looking around the somewhat familiar room, but there was no sign of the room’s owner. When I looked down at myself, I found I was wearing Phii Joe’s shirt, but no pants; the shirt was large enough to cover down to my thighs.

Ah…last night.

I tried to shake off those thoughts, but couldn’t. The events from last night replayed in my head, from when we returned to the room, to the images of Phii Johan. Oh, my, him…

Ugh. No, I won’t think about it. How am I supposed to face him now? Just thinking about it makes my heart race. I understand why so many people like him.

And why is my throat so dry?

I tried to get up from the bed but couldn’t. I had no strength to stand, and my hips hurt terribly. He’s so mean, the meanest, it was my first time, why wasn’t he gentle at all?

“Why are you trying to get up?” Suddenly, I heard Phii Johan’s voice. I turned towards the sound to see Phii Joe walking into the bedroom, freshly showered and not wearing a shirt.

Why isn’t he wearing a shirt?

I quickly turned away. It wasn’t just that I couldn’t face him; I couldn’t look at him either. It was embarrassing…too embarrassing. I had seen him without his shirt once before when he changed at the gym, but seeing him like this now…

“What’s wrong?” Phii Johan asked after I turned away, then sat down on the bed next to me. I wanted to move away, but I couldn’t move.

“Ugh. I don’t want to talk to you anymore.” I said softly before burying my face in the blanket to hide my red face. At least could he put on a shirt first, T^T?

!!

I was surprised when suddenly pulled into a hug from behind, my back pressed against his bare chest. Before Phii Joe pressed his nose and mouth to my cheek and whispered softly in my ear,

“What are you sulking about with me, hm?”

iii

I bit my lip tightly before releasing it because of the pain, instinctively trying to move away because his deep whisper near my ear made my heart skip a beat. Good grief, why does he love teasing so much? Seeing me embarrassed only seems to please him more.

“Can you…put on a shirt first?” I asked with a soft voice, still held in his embrace, feeling my face flush again. Being embarrassed to the point of wanting to cry is definitely a thing…

“Why?” Phii Johan asked before nuzzling my neck, which scattered my thoughts even more. I didn’t know what to say next; last night had almost driven me mad. Now he’s teasing me even more without giving me a moment to breathe? “If you want something, just ask.”

“…”

Why is it always like this!

I protested slightly in my mind before slowly turning around to face him. Phii Johan loosened his arms to let me move. I looked at his face before averting my gaze again, seeing it only reminded me of last night, making me even more unable to meet his eyes. I closed my eyes, then leaned in, touching my lips to his gently, just for a moment before pulling back.

“Just that?” Phii Johan raised an eyebrow, looking not quite satisfied.

“Phii…my lips hurt.”

!!

“Uh.” Suddenly Phii Johan reached out, pressing the back of my neck to bring me closer, kissing me deeply until my lips hurt again, his hot tongue flicking in slightly. Due to the pain, I tried to push him away with my hands. After just a moment, he withdrew from the kiss. I tasted a faint metallic taste of blood from my own lips.

“You’re…so cruel.” I said, pouting at him, and Phii Johan gave a slight smirk. “Do you want Phii to be kind too?” “…” “Be cute to Phii then.”

“…”

“But if my North being cute has the opposite effect, don’t blame Phii.”

!!!

No! I absolutely won’t give in, the result has to be the opposite. Why does he tease me so much? Especially when Phii Johan refers to himself as “Phii” I really can’t resist. Normally he would use the word like Ku/Mung but hearing him call himself “Phii” and using my name, I just melt every time…

My face was so hot it spread to my ears, my heart was beating fast. He slowly let go of me and put on the T-shirt that was nearby, and I saw the tattoo on the side of his waist peeking out from his pants.

Oh, my.

As I said, I’m definitely going to go crazy because of him someday.

Before being pulled into another hug. This time, he let me lean against his chest, and then Phii Joe leaned against the headboard. It seems like he really likes it this way, and I like it too. It’s very warm, and Phii Joe could rest his chin on top of my head perfectly.

“Does it hurt?” the person behind me asked.

“Yeah, it hurts.”

“I’ve applied medicine. It’ll get better soon. And the fever will go down.”

Applied medicine…

T^T

“Th…thank you.”

One of his hands let go of my waist to hold mine. I really like his hands; they can completely envelop mine when we hold hands. I’ve noticed for a while now that Phii Johan has a tattoo on his arm too, but I’ve never really looked at what it said, until now. I’m a realist, dreaming the impossible.

   I am a realist, dreaming of the impossible…

Is that what it translates to…

“The tattoo…” I said, touching the tattoo on Phii Joe’s arm with my finger, “What’s the impossible dream?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Just liked the phrase.”

“…” I didn’t respond, just stared blankly. Phii Joe’s arm had visible veins, indicating strength. I found it very charming and quite attractive; it’s something girls would really like.

Phii Johan has everything women like: handsome, rich, smart, and a good physique. Why does one person have it all like this?

“Why did you end up liking me?” I voiced my thoughts, still not understanding why it had to be me until now. I know it’s good for me, but why? When there are so many better people out there, and it’s not like Phii Joe doesn’t have good people interested in him.

“…” Phii Johan was silent, not responding.

“It’s almost unbelievable, you know.”

“Why?”

“Ever since you started liking me, it’s been strange. So many people like you, why does it have to be me? I still hardly see any good points in myself.” I said with a dry laugh, I mean, I’m just an ordinary person. What about me would someone like you like? But I’m not overthinking it, just a bit puzzled.

“Sigh.” the other person let out a small sigh.

“…”

“I’ve loved my dog for a long time now. Why does it matter?” !!! And…why does that make me irritated, T^T? “Oh…” I bit my lip slightly to hold back the overwhelming feelings inside. I might not be someone who overthinks, but he never lets me overthink anyway, “Tell me about it, will you?”

“About?”

“Why do you like me?”

“If I tell you, what do I get?”

“…” What’s with this crafty tone? “Uh…never mind.”

“Then I won’t tell.”

“Really…what’s this about?” I said, slightly frustrated, “Just give me a brief explanation then.”

“One kiss for one answer.” Phii Johan said. I could almost see him smiling, teasing me must be that fun.

“Uh…well…”

“Why? Don’t you want to know anymore?”

“You tease so much.” I said, slightly sulking, making a face at him.

“You don’t want to know anymore?”

“…”

“If you don’t want to know, Phii won’t tell.”

Oh, why does this man…!

Can you stop addressing yourself as “Phii” with that tone? I can’t take it anymore. I’ve really given in, why does Phii Johan have to be like this, knowing I’m weak to it just makes him tease more, my heart feels like it’s about to burst.

“Uh…So, Phii, how long have you liked me? How long has it been?” I asked the first question I was curious about. Initially, I thought about asking why he likes me, but it’s better to ask gradually, while turning slightly to look at him. Phii Joe just smiled slightly at the corner of his mouth, looking at me without taking his eyes off. “What was the offer from before?” Phii Joe asked.

“Exchange…one kiss for one answer.” I repeated his words in a soft voice, why do I have to say it…Don’t tell me I have to kiss before he’ll answer.

I hesitated for a moment, as he didn’t continue speaking, seemingly waiting for me to make the move. So, I decided to slowly sit up, pressing my lips against his slowly. Phii Joe responded slightly to the touch. I cautiously slipped my tongue in, and his hot tongue flicked back, deepening the kiss. He pulled me closer by the waist, our lips locked for a while until I felt numb and tasted a faint hint of blood before Phii Johan pulled away, looking slightly regretful.

“Your lips are cracked again.” I touched my lips, finding a bit of blood. And why doesn’t he feel guilty at all? My lips are cracked, and he still wants me to kiss him?

“Yeah, because of you. Now answer the question.”

“A long time. Maybe three years.”

“Three years? That’s when I was about in my fourth year of high school. Since when?”

“That counts as another question.”

“You…” I said, sulking, I can’t take it anymore, my lips really hurt. If he’s going to count questions like this, I’m definitely going to die, “I don’t need to know then.”

“Hmm, is that so?” The person in front of me raised an eyebrow slightly but still had a slight smile.

“Well, if you set conditions like that, it’s cheating.”

“If you want to know, ask again later. Just know that I’ve liked you for a long time, that’s enough.”

“Wait…hold on.” I interrupted first, “You…said you’ve liked me for a long time. But why were you so flirtatious with other people?” “Another question?” “Uh…yes.” Before he leaned in for another gentle kiss. This time not forceful at all, the slow and tender touch made my stomach flutter. It took some time before he finally pulled away.

“The answer then?”

“Umm…”

“…”

“Well, you were the one who kept rejecting me, weren’t you?”

I looked at him, puzzled, my mind trying to catch up. Oh…right, because in high school, I was dating Ja. So I rejected everyone who approached me, no matter who asked, I always told them I had a girlfriend, meaning I never gave anyone a chance to pursue me. So, because I had a girlfriend, Phii Joe didn’t pursue me back then, right?

Phii Johan pulled me into another tight embrace. I leaned into him, setting that matter aside for now. Being together like this made me so happy; the familiar scent always comforted me whenever I was close.

“Thank you, Phii.”

“For what?”

“Well…for still liking me.”

“Umm, I’ve actually tried to give up on you several times too.”

“And why…”

“Because I couldn’t let go in the end, that’s why I’m still here.”

“The person who made me feel like I want to stop flirting around with someone. In the end, it’s still you.”

“…” I felt my heart swell with the words I heard. Whether by actions or words, Phii Joe always made it clear. I turned to him with a smile, then tightened my embrace around him. “I love you.” “Hmm, I love you too.”

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, and Phii Johan released me from his embrace and got up. I could move a bit now; it wasn’t as painful as when I first woke up. I immediately looked for my phone, remembering that I had left the booth unattended yesterday. Would there be any trouble?

I was shocked by the numerous notifications, especially on my seldom-used Facebook. Usually, my profile was pretty inactive since I preferred using LINE to chat with friends, but now there were lots of friend requests and messages. Most of the messages were like, “Are you dating Joe?” or “Are you the one from the Gear Lawn?”

Phii Joe is really famous, huh.

And then there’s…

The kiss…at the Gear Lawn.

It’s bound to become university-wide news, and there might even be photos. I heard the university’s “Cute Boys” page has been revived, version two, but I’m not interested anymore. I used to follow it to check out cute guys, but now there’s no need for that.

I dismissed the notifications from my Facebook without much care before opening the LINE app, chatting briefly with Kyu. Kyu said everything was fine yesterday, just some trouble tallying up the money. Duennao got a major scolding because he was the one counting the money, and there was quite a bit missing, but Tiger ended up covering the shortfall.

Tiger…you really are a good person, T^T

   Easter: North

   Easter: Where are you?

   North♣: At Phii Joe’s place, why?

   Easter: When are you coming back to your room?

   North♣: Probably evening.

   Easter: I’m sorry, T^T

   Easter: sends image

   Easter: I’ll wash it for you.

   I furrowed my brows slightly when Ter sent an image. Why the apology? I understood immediately once the image loaded.

North♣: You’re the worst.

   North♣: Why did you do this to my stupid duck, TT^TT

   It was a picture of my duck, a silly-looking duck toy that I found cute. It’s the duck toy I’ve photographed and used as my profile picture. It’s my only toy. I really love it, why did Ter spill cocoa on my stupid duck like that, T^T?

Easter: It’s been washed.

   Easter: Gave the stupid duck a bath.

   Easter: Sends image

   The image was of the stupid duck lying in a bucket full of soap suds.

North♣: Don’t forget to powder it too.

   Easter: Sure, sure, lol.

   North♣: Sends Tiger sticker

   Before I could put down my phone, I heard what sounded like people arguing outside my door. Who’s here? I couldn’t hear clearly. So I decided to get up from bed to check. As soon as I stood up, a sharp pain shot up from my hip, but I could still stand, so I slowly made my way to the door.

“Phii Joe…” I called softly to the person in front of me. The person turned around immediately, frowning slightly at me before showing a look of mild displeasure.

“Why did you get up?” he asked sternly, then moved away from the door to come to me. “…” “What if you fell, what would you do?” Phii Johan extended his arm to support me. It hurt, but I could manage to walk; the pain had lessened a bit. But seeing his worried expression, I didn’t dare argue or say anything.

“North, Joe won’t let me in…Oh!” Phii Prang peeked from the side of the door, and seeing me and Phii Joe, she quickly covered her mouth, “What’s with this sweet scene?”

“You can leave now.” Phii Joe said.

“Oh come on, I brought food, can’t you let me in for a bit?” Phii Prang said with a resigned look, her gaze sweeping over me from head to toe, then she covered her mouth again, “Oh my, darling, why are you so sexy like this?”

I looked down at myself in confusion. I was wearing Phii Johan’s shirt, which was big enough to cover my thighs. No pants, and I assumed there were red marks all over my neck.

“ Phii Prang.” Phii Johan called out, his voice low and spine-chilling, making Phii Prang’s smile vanish instantly.

“Okay, okay, no more teasing.” Phii Prang immediately looked dejected, before Phii Joe scooped me up and carried me back to the bedroom. I could hear Phii Prang shouting after us, “So, can I come in or not? I promise I won’t look at your North.”

“Uh, come in.”

I slowly walked out of the bathroom. Initially, Phii Johan offered to bathe me, but I absolutely refused. In the end, I showered and put on clothes that fit perfectly, as Phii Prang had just bought a few sets in my size, saying Phii Joe had ordered them.

“Can you walk?” Phii Johan asked as he helped me to the kitchen area, “If you had let me bathe you from the start, this would have been over.” “No thanks. Not necessary.” I replied softly, making a slight frowning face. I was afraid I would die of embarrassment if Phii Johan were to bathe me.

I sat down at the dining table with Phii Joe next to me and Phii Prang on the other side. Phii Prang had bought takeout. The person sitting opposite me kept covering his face with his hands, looking embarrassed, alternating his gaze between me and Phii Johan.

“…”

“Oh my, Johan, at what number did you unleash on the kid that the kid would not be able to walk?”

Phii Prang’s words made me lower my head to hide my blushing face. So much for not teasing. Glancing sideways, I saw Phii Joe watching with a slight smile, clearly enjoying my embarrassment.

“North, you can handle it, right dear? Your face and ears are all red.”

“ Phii Prang…” I called out her name with a long drawl.

“Well, I know you’re cute and fun to tease, it’s just too tempting, but he was not being gentle at all, was he?” Phii Prang continued her teasing while serving porridge, “Oh my, I’m embarrassed. Can’t take it anymore. My son is all shy now. Can I take Nong North back from you, Johan?”

“No way.” Phii Joe interjected quickly, lifting his chin slightly to look at the person in front of him.

“Oh, he’s completely shy now.” Phii Prang said, reaching over to pinch my cheek gently with a teasing grin. I winced a little, not from the pinch, but because it hurt my already split lip.

Before Phii Johan could pull Phii Prang’s hand away, she looked back with a mischievous smile.

“Well, very protective, aren’t you?” “Well, he’s my wife, isn’t he?” Oh…what’s with you, Phii? You didn’t have to be this direct, did you? Think about the listener’s feelings a bit, T^T. And you said it so nonchalantly too!

“Annoyed yet, the one who’s smitten?” Phii Prang said with a hint of annoyance before handing me a bowl of congee. “Do I have to eat this congee with difficulty again? When my mouth hurts like this, nothing tastes good.” My lips are cracked again.

Phii Johan raised his hand and gently touched my lips with his thumb.

“Does it hurt?”

“Yeah, it hurts.”

“I’ll be gentler next time then.”

I didn’t reply, just continued eating the congee with my head down. Is his idea of gentle really gentle? I somehow feel skeptical, but I’m still swayed by these warm words. After a while, Phii Joe’s phone rang. The person next to me took out his phone, glanced at the screen, sighed slightly, then answered and walked outside to talk.

“North, Phii has something to tell you, just remember it.” Phii Prang whispered softly when she saw Phii Joe leave. She leaned in a bit closer.

“Yes?”

“About the kissing, I just remembered when it came up earlier.”

“Yes, why?”

“Joe doesn’t kiss his bed partners.” Phii Prang said. Her words made me raise my eyebrows in surprise. “You’ve heard of those who are flirting all over the place, right? Some of them don’t kiss their bed partners. If they do kiss, it means they’re serious. As for the other matter, that’s just the nature of the body.” I nodded in understanding. I’ve known someone like that too. He said sex is natural for humans, but kissing isn’t necessary unless there’s love.

“…” “North, you might be Joe’s first kiss, you know.”

“Hmm, yes.” That’s all I replied before scooping more congee into my mouth, feeling my face heat up again. My heart started beating faster thinking about Phii Prang’s words over and over.

If that’s true, it would be great.

But even if it’s not, it’s still good…

 

   NORTH HOW MUCH IS YOUR LOVE CHAPTERS HOME

NORTHHOWMUCHISYOURLOVE, Chapter 22 part 2

“I heard they went to secretly pick lemons from behind the agriculture faculty. It’s pathetic, why doesn’t our faculty have any funds?” I said, shaking my head slightly.

“Nao, watch your hands!” I shouted, feeling a shiver down my spine every time Nao raised the knife. Hey, Tiger, come help your wife before she chops her hand off! “Nao.” I turned around because I heard someone calling, only to see Tiger carrying a KFC bag full of food. He set the bag on the table, “Brought some food for you, how’s it going?”

“Thanks, it’s tough, my arms hurt like hell. What are you guys selling?”

“Meatballs.”

“It’d be nice if we sold something simple like that.” I said. Each department was selling various things because we needed lots of booths throughout the event. I heard that Tiger’s group was selling meatballs, which is great because you just buy them and steam them to sell, unless you have to make the meatballs yourself, which is hard.

“Are you guys selling cool drinks?” Tiger raised an eyebrow, “Do we have to make it ourselves?”

“The girls ordered it.” Duennao answered, “Good thing we don’t have to grow them ourselves.”

“The Agriculture Faculty grows them for us. Our job is just to go and steal them.” I said.

“Damn, that’s good, do you want me to help?”

“Come on then.”

“Isn’t it just you, North, who squeezes the lemons?”

“What do you mean by ‘just’? I’ve squeezed so many that my hands are all wrinkly. Look.” I said, showing my hands, which were indeed wrinkly. I’ve never squeezed so many lemons in my life that my hands got like this.

“Wow…” Tiger looked at my hands and then burst into laughter, “Your boyfriend will be upset when he finds out, how will you explain that?”

“Probably not.” I said. Suddenly, the faint smell of cigarette smoke wafted over; someone must be smoking nearby. Just like Phii Joe had told me, whenever I smell smoke, I should think of him. And I did miss him, truly. Phii Joe had tried to quit, and he was serious about it, but there were times he couldn’t resist and had to smoke. I never really minded because he was trying to cut down, and every time I smelled smoke, I would think of him.

Especially now when I was already missing him, it made me miss him even more.

And when I missed him, it was specifically when we…kissed, because that’s when I usually smelled the cigarette smoke from Phii Joe.

Sigh…

“North.”

“Huh!”

“Spacing out again.” Duennao said, “You do that a lot, missing him again?”

“It’s not ‘again’, I’m always missing him.” I said, letting out another sigh before standing up to wash my hands, dispose of the lemon peels, and place the lemon water cups on the table. I turned to see Tiger sitting there, peeling coconuts instead of Nao. It was quite a sight.

The cool engineering student from that day was the one peeling coconuts for his girlfriend today.

Tiger was really cool, especially during the Moon and Star. contest. I voted for him because I thought he was the best, whether it was during the Q&A, his performance, or the fashion show.

“What do you think?” Tiger asked.

“What do you mean by ‘think’?” I asked back.

“What are you talking about? Come sit here.” Tiger said. I then sat next to him as instructed, with Duennao on the other side. I hope Nao doesn’t misunderstand and think Tiger likes me again, especially after this conversation. “When you say you miss someone, how do you miss them?” “Well…” I paused for a moment to gather my thoughts, “I just miss him, want to see him, talk to him, see his face. Wondering what he’s doing right now, if he’s eating all his meals or just working. I’m really worried, I wish he was here right now. If we were together now, what would it be like?”

“Just like that?” Tiger asked.

“Yeah, something like that. Why?”

“So you really miss him a lot.”

“A lot, indeed. But why do you ask?” I repeated my question, what’s going on?

“Did you hear that?”

“Huh?” I looked at Tiger with confusion as he took off his earbuds and put the phone on speaker, allowing me to hear the voice from the other end.

(Yeah, I heard.)

   Phii Joe!!

That jerk!!!

“Phii…” I called out instinctively, my heart pounding again upon hearing his voice, and feeling even more embarrassed realizing that Phii Joe had heard everything. What’s wrong with you, Tiger, T^T

(Miss me that much, huh?)

   !!

“Phii…why are you…talking to Tiger?”

(Yeah, I had a little business with him.)

   “Oh…I see.” What should I do now? What should I say? “Phii…are you free now?”

(Not free, I have to hang up now.)

   “…”

“Man, you’re all droopy.” Tiger said, chuckling a bit at my demeanor. Do we have to hang up already? I wanted to talk more. Can’t we talk a bit more? (Let’s hang up for now.)

   “Uh…okay.” And then the line was cut off. We only managed to exchange a few sentences. This just makes me miss him more. “Why didn’t you tell me you were talking to Phii Joe?”

“So you could say you missed him, of course, you went all out.”

“What are you talking about?” I said, trying to hide my embarrassment. I had told him I missed him before, but not to this extent, it’s super embarrassing, isn’t it? Plus, I said it without thinking. Damn it. What did I just say? “You’re terrible, you made it seem like I could talk, but we barely spoke before hanging up.”

“It’ll make you miss him even more, right?”

“Yeah, you devil.” I said with a frustrated look. You said if I heard his voice, it would make him want to come back to me, so does he feel like coming back to me now?

While I was lost in thought, the engineering faculty’s event started gearing up. People from both inside and outside the university began to stroll by, continuously buying various things. The coconut water sales went through the roof when girls found out that the engineering department was the one peeling the coconuts himself. Tiger’s arm muscles were about to pop.

As evening set in, the crowd grew even larger, mostly for the concert. The lights illuminated the entire gear yard, creating a really nice atmosphere. I love this warm-toned lighting.

“Tiger, someone asked for your LINE.” Duennao whispered, discreetly pointing at a group of girls standing near the booth, “The one in the white shirt.”

I glanced over, she’s really beautiful. Just like Nao said, Tiger is always surrounded by pretty and cute people…

Phii Joe is the same, isn’t he?

   “No.” Tiger said, turning back to continue peeling coconuts. “Really not giving it? She’s cute, though.”

“Tell her I’m not giving it.”

“Okay.” Nao nodded before walking over to tell the girl. She looked disappointed before leaving with her group of friends. Tiger really does reject everyone for Duennao.

“Hey, Nao.” I called out, “How’s the game streaming going?”

“It’s going well, really well actually. More and more people are following and donating, so I’ll have some money saved to go see Dan.” Oh, Dan…that’s his brother, he always talks about wanting to visit him.

“And those two people who always donate to you, are they still around?” I asked. It was my turn to play crew member. If I couldn’t ask about Tiger, then I’d ask about his ‘Phii Kant’.

“Oh, yeah, they’re here almost every time. Why?”

“No reason, but those two seem to really like you, especially the one named Kant, he pays a lot.”

My words made Tiger look up at me immediately.

Tiger, you better watch out, quality crew member, strong brew without milk.

“Oh…” Duennao said hesitantly with a forced smile, “They just like watching the streams.”

“No, no, they really like you. Otherwise, why would they pay so much?” I insisted. From Duennao’s expression, it was clear that Nao wasn’t oblivious to others’ feelings, just like me. I can usually tell when someone is interested or approaching. If they show it, that is. Tiger doesn’t count because he never shows anything.

So that means…

   Nao knows…but pretends not to, because he doesn’t feel the same way.

   Just like how I act with Phii Tharn.

   “Well…they just see me through the screen, but when they meet me in person, they might not like me.” Nao said casually, not seeming to care or be upset.

The situation with Tiger and Duennao isn’t just about Tiger being totally dense. He just doesn’t express anything. For Nao, his relationship with Tiger might be like mine, just normal friends. No one would suddenly think their friend has a crush on them, especially if they’re both guys, because it really seems like a regular friendship.

Nao isn’t feeling anything towards him. If I was Nao, I wouldn’t know either. Tiger is really good at hiding it, but he has his reasons. If you step out of the friend zone and can’t go back, who knows. If you try to move beyond friendship and can’t go back to being friends, and can’t be lovers either, you might just get ejected from all zones. Having a crush on a friend is genuinely tough, even if I don’t really understand it since I’ve never experienced it.

But I’ll continue to be this small crew member because no one loves Duennao like Tiger does. There must come a day when it’s our turn, Tiger!

“And why do you think they wouldn’t like you in person?” I asked.

“I don’t know, maybe I’m not that nice in real life.”

“Yeah, I agree with that.”

“North, you’re not comforting me at all, saying they won’t like me. You’re supposed to say nice things like ‘You’re a good person’.” Duennao said.

“Come on. I don’t want to lie. How can I say you’re good when you’re not?” I said, following my thoughts, “Maybe there are people who like your kind of shitty personality, you know, not necessarily being good.”

“Why does this hurt so much?” Nao said, touching his chest as if he was really hurt, “I don’t know. It would be nice if there were someone who could handle my shitty personality.” The “shitty personality” of Duennao here refers to his hot temper. Nao is easily irritated, which is the only flaw I see in him, and I’m the same way.

   There’s Tiger, who deals with Nao’s crap every day, and he even says it feels like being tickled by a cat’s paw.

   “And if there really is someone?”

“There isn’t, forget it, let’s work. Go and get the ice bucket.” Duennao said, before sending me to fetch the ice bucket. He uses me like he’s paying me thousands. Well, all the profit goes back to the department anyway, yet he still talks about sales targets. Hah, did I get even a single baht for squeezing lemons until my hands get wrinkly?

“Damn it.” I muttered with annoyance after placing the ice bucket down, “How much do we need to sell?”

“I saw in the group chat they said two thousand.” Kyu told us.

“Are you crazy? Water is twenty-five baht per glass, how many glasses do I have to sell?” Duennao complained, “The concert is about to start. I want to go watch, heard that the head hazer is performing, they’re the first band.”

“Really? That’d be cool to watch.” I said, wondering if the head hazer would need a microphone with his already powerful voice. Seeing that the concert was about to start, Duennao and I asked if we could go watch, and Kyu said it was fine, he and Skater would watch the booth.

“North.”

“Huh.” I turned towards Tiger’s whisper.

“I want to watch the concert with Nao, just the two of us.”

“…”

“Fine, Tiger, you treat me like this.” I said, feeling annoyed. Why do I feel like I’m the third wheel? At home, I have to deal with Ter talking to Phii Hill, and now here, I’m being excluded again, T^T “I’m so jealous of couples.” “When your boyfriend’s not here, you’re a bit sad, huh?” Tiger said with a raised eyebrow, annoyingly, “Just go mix with the crowd when we get there.”

“Man, you’re harsh to me.” I grumbled quietly, “Alright, alright, then buy me food.”

“I already bought you food.”

“Ugh, fine, okay, single people are like this, right?” I said, feeling down.

“Single? Still not dating?”

“Here we go again. You too.” Why do people keep asking? It must seem strange, and after being asked so often, it’s starting to feel bad. I’ll ask him when he’s back.

“Then follow this plan. When you get into the concert, quietly sneak out.”

“Alright, Tiger, since I’m the crew member here. I’ll help create a moment for you two at the concert.” I said, sacrificing myself to watch the concert alone. How much am I doing for you, Tiger, T^T?

The three of us entered the concert area, which was more like a performance on the Gear Lawn. The stage lights and surrounding lights made the atmosphere very beautiful. There were a lot of people, and the closer you got to the stage, the more crowded it became. Duennao, who wanted to see up close, squeezed through the crowd, followed by Tiger trying to keep up. And me…

I’m fine right here, TT.

I stayed in the middle, not too close or too far, so the crowd wasn’t pushing as much, allowing me to breathe easier. I could see the seniors performing on stage, but I was mostly just listening to the music.

   I was so jealous of those two, getting to watch the concert together. Ter said he would come with Phii Hill and visit our booth. Everyone seems to be in pairs. If Phii Joe were here, it would be nice to invite him too. Would he like this noisy atmosphere? Maybe not, but being here together would still be good.

   I shook off those thoughts. There are still five days until he comes back, and thinking about it just makes me feel lonely all the time.

   While I was focused on the concert, or rather, just listening since I couldn’t see much, suddenly someone’s hand came down on my shoulder, turning me around.

   Phii Johan!!

   How…why…

   “Ah!!” Suddenly, I was pulled close, one hand pushing my nape up, and his lips pressed against mine before I could react. My eyes widened in shock, seeing everyone around looking at us, all equally surprised. There was a collective gasp because there were so many people around, before his large hand covered my eyes, as if to say there was no need to look at anyone else, and his other arm pulled me even closer.

The familiar touch and scent that I missed made my heart swell as if something was about to burst out. The heat spread across my face as the kiss deepened, just a slight flick of his tongue, another heavy press of his lips before he pulled away.

I was so confused, not knowing what to do, with hundreds of eyes on us. My heart was beating so fast it felt like it might explode at any moment, my arms and legs numb.

“What’s wrong?” I heard the voice in front of me ask, but I didn’t dare make eye contact, even though the person I missed to the point of nearly crying every day was standing right in front of me, yet I couldn’t do anything.

“…”

“What’s wrong? You were missing me, weren’t you?”

!!

Phii Joe lifted my chin, making me look up. I stared at the face that often floated into my thoughts, but now it wasn’t just in my thoughts anymore. Phii Johan looked back at me without looking away, revealing… A faint smile.

“Phii…”

Before Phii Johan switched to holding my hand, pulling me along with him. As we walked away from the gear yard, people were watching us the whole way, but he paid them no mind. Meanwhile, all I could do was keep my head down and follow him.

After being in Boston for several days, now back, and…he kisses me right in the middle of the gear yard like this?

Good grief…

We arrived at a luxurious car I wasn’t familiar with. Not an Audi or a Jaguar like before. He released my hand and opened the passenger door for me.

“Where…are we going?”

“Just for a drive.” I didn’t respond before getting into the car. Phii Joe walked over to the driver’s side, and the luxurious car started moving away from the engineering faculty, driving along until we reached a hill that was quite dark but didn’t seem too dangerous. I thought he might be taking me to a viewpoint on the hill since it’s open late at night.

And I was right…

The car stopped at the viewpoint on the hill. After getting out, I felt the cool breeze. We walked a bit to where they had set up a fence, and I sat down on a bench with him sitting next to me.

Being higher up, the view of the city below was clear. I had never been here before; the sight of the city at night with all the lights was so beautiful that I stared at it without looking away. There were only a few dim lights at this viewpoint, making the city lights and the soft glow from the moon above even more prominent, along with the stars twinkling across the sky, clearly visible, different from when viewed from within the city. “Do you like it?” the voice from beside me asked.

“Yes, it’s very beautiful. Thank you for bringing me here.” I said, smiling at him, though I thought it was too dark for Phii Joe to see it.

“Didn’t you say you wanted to come see this?”

Oh…

Yes. I just mentioned it casually because I was scrolling through Instagram and saw friends posting pictures here at night, while he was working. I didn’t think he would remember.

“Thank you.” I said, “Why are you back so early? Weren’t there still five days left?”

“Well, someone said they missed me, wanted to see my face, wanted to talk. If we could be together, it would be nice…right?” Phii Johan asked, and I was grateful it was dark here because I was sure my face must be very red. My heart started beating heavily again, and I clasped my hands tightly together. I didn’t understand the feeling that was swelling up in my chest, and it seemed to be overflowing steadily.

“Yes. Being together would be nice.” I replied softly, feeling many things stuck inside, but not knowing what to say or how to continue.

Before we both let the silence envelop us, a cool breeze passed by, making it feel a bit cooler. I intended to keep both my hands clasped, but one was pulled away and held instead. I just noticed that Phii Johan still had the gear bracelet I once put on him on his left wrist.

   He never took it off, huh.

   That’s really nice…

   It’s so warm, his hands are always warm.

   “And how was Boston?” I finally decided to ask, “You didn’t just drink coffee instead of eating, did you?” “Ah, no, I didn’t. You told me to eat properly, didn’t you?” Phii Johan said in a calm tone. Yes…I had told him he needed to eat meals, not just drink coffee.

“Good. I was really worried.” I said, then broke into a broad smile for the person next to me. Saying this out loud somehow felt embarrassing, “I wanted to call and tell you to eat every meal, but I was afraid to disturb you. I kept thinking it would be nice to be with you, but I was also scared you might not feel the same.”

I really felt this way, wanting to be with him every day. No matter how good or bad that day might be, I didn’t know if he wanted to be with me too.

“Do you know…the work in Boston…”

“Yes…?”

“It wasn’t that hard, really, but when I turned around and didn’t see you next to me, everything seemed difficult. What I want to say is…having you by my side really makes things better.”

“…”

“So, can you stay with me forever?”

“…”

“Be my boyfriend.”

Before he gently kissed the back of my hand, the warm touch and the words I heard made my chest feel warm, then I felt the heat at the corners of my eyes as if all the feelings I had been holding back were pouring out.

“Okay.” I agreed with a soft, tearful voice, tears I didn’t know where they came from streaming down my cheeks. I bit my lip tightly, then lunged forward to hug him out of longing and yearning, letting the sobs come out, not caring about anything else.

“Okay, hic, I will be, I will be.” I repeated my agreement because saying it once didn’t feel like enough. Phii Johan pulled me into a tighter hug, gently stroking my head. “I know, I know.”

“Phii…why do you do this? I missed you so much I could die, you cheater.” I said, my voice barely coherent, hugging Phii Joe even tighter. I missed this warmth so much, I missed his scent.

“You said you were busy, asked to hang up again, did you know how much I wanted to talk? How much did I wanted to hear your voice?”

“I know. But at that time, I was already at the airport.”

“See, you’re a cheater.”

“Hmm?”

“A cheater, you made me addicted then disappeared, do you know Ter curses at me every night? Lately, he’s even made me sleep on the floor.”

“You’ve been burrowing into Ter again?”

“Yes. All because of you.”

“Then I’ll take responsibility, okay? I’ll hug you to sleep every night.”

“…”

“Yes, okay.”

I looked up at him with a slight pout. After a while of sobbing, Phii Johan released his embrace, wiping my tears away with a quick, clumsy motion. I didn’t understand myself, how I could be like this, but I missed him, really missed him. I tried not to cry, but in the end, I did, feeling like a little kid.

“Such a crybaby.”

“Don’t tease me.” I said, feeling sulky.

“We can go back now.” Phii Joe said before leading the way to the car. At first, I thought only a short time had passed, but when I checked the time, I realized we had been up there for quite a while. I think I really like this place. It’s where Phii Johan asked me to be his boyfriend. Plus, it’s incredibly beautiful.

Boyfriend…

   We’re boyfriends now.

Really?

Oh my, why does thinking about it make me feel so embarrassed?

I got into the car, and Phii Johan sat there for a moment, fiddling with his phone before putting it away and starting the engine. I didn’t dare say anything on the way back, and neither did he. Then suddenly, my phone notification sounded, and I saw that it was from Ter on LINE.

Easter: Hey, this is not just anything, ><

   Easter: Congratulations, by the way.

   North♣: What?

   Easter: Oh. You’re dating now, right?

   North♣: How do you know?

   Easter: Phii Joe posted a picture.

   Easter: Wait.

   Easter: sends image

   Easter: Here you go.

   I opened the picture Ter sent. It was a screenshot from Phii Johan’s Instagram. The latest post was the view from where we were just now, just the beautiful cityscape. It wasn’t in black and white either, probably the only colored photo on Phii Joe’s Instagram.

The caption read, “He said, ‘YES’“

   I couldn’t help but smile at the picture. Should I post a picture too? Because I also took a photo of the same view.

I went ahead and posted the view I had taken, it was a similar shot from the same angle.

And I captioned it, “A million times, YES’ :)”

   “And how was the work in Boston?” I asked as we were walking up to the condo. In the end, I had to stay here again because I couldn’t refuse, and Phii Joe said that I would have to move here anyway.

“It was good.” Phii Joe answered simply before tapping the keycard to open the door.

“Did you come back early because the work finished quickly?” I asked. There were so many things I wanted to ask, really. The person in front of me opened the door and walked in, so I followed. Before I knew it, I was pulled towards the sofa, ending up straddling his lap. Without much time to think, his lips were on mine again.

“Ah!” I gasped in surprise, Phii Joe kissed me more intensely, his hot tongue exploring and tangling with mine, his hands gripping my waist tightly and pulling me closer. I responded to the touch with a mix of boldness and fear, closing my eyes tightly, my heart beating fast like it was about to explode again.

His warm hands began to roam, lifting my shirt. My stomach fluttered instantly, his touch alone making my body react, our warm breaths mingling. Phii Joe used one hand to pull my shirt off without warning, and with the other, he slipped into my pants.

“Ah, uh!” I let out a muffled cry because Phii Joe hadn’t moved his lips away, I placed both hands on his chest, gripping his shirt tightly. His hand that had taken off my shirt now moved between my waist and stomach, slowly moving up to my chest, gently pinching and circling my nipple, making me moan again.

“Phii…ah.”

Phii Johan slowly pulled his lips away, his eyes fixed on mine, the feeling of emptiness in my stomach and the flush of heat on my chest intensified as he squeezed my hips. My heart felt like it was about to burst…

He leaned in to whisper softly in my ear. “The time for patience is over.”

!!!

“Uh.” Before my mind could process anything more, he nuzzled my neck, biting down hard enough to leave another red mark. I winced in pain before he dragged his touch down to my chest.

“Ah, Phii…Phii Joe, ah.” when his hot tongue licked over my nipple. I clenched my fists, arching into the sensation without realizing, he bit down a little harder, making my whole body jerk, before the hand that was gripping my hip slowly began to pull down my pants.

As for the belt, I don’t know when it got taken off…

Phii Johan pulled me into another kiss, our tongues intertwining, creating embarrassing sounds. He pressed his lips down heavily, turning into a familiar rhythm of kisses. I jolted when his hands roamed my thighs, because I was sitting on his lap, and this position was…too close, too intimate.

My pants’ zipper was slowly undone by Phii Joe, who hooked his fingers into the waistband before pulling them down. I wanted to close my legs out of embarrassment, but the position I was in wouldn’t allow it. Phii Johan lifted me slightly with both hands to make it easier to take off my pants, and the throbbing ache intensified to the point of being almost torturous.

“Ah, uh, Phii…ah…”

While he hadn’t yet broken the kiss, his hot tongue still flicked all over, causing my heart to beat so hard it felt like it might burst. No matter how fast I breathed, it wasn’t enough, feeling like I was drowning as usual. He was also breathing harder, indicating his growing arousal.

Our warm breaths mingled. I jolted when his warm hand suddenly touched my now awake manly part, his fingers pressing softly at the tip, another finger touching the base and moving back and forth. “Oh, oh, ah…” I could hardly form words, Phii Johan didn’t give me a moment to catch my breath, biting down hard on both my upper and lower lips before moving his kisses down to my neck, sending shivers through me, and even more when the hand on my core started to touch more, gripping and moving slowly.

“Uh, ah, oh, Phii…” His other hand held my waist, caressing my back as that hand quickened its pace little by little, driving me almost insane. I’d never felt like this before. I was panting so hard my chest was heaving, feeling like all the energy was being sucked out of me. I slumped forward, resting my face on his shoulder, unable to help it.

“Ah, ah, Phii, uh, please…”

“…”

“Uh…I can’t…ah…”

“Hmm?”

“No…no, ah…” When his hand moved faster, I was practically losing my mind, trying to clench my fists but had no strength. My legs move involuntarily, my hips twisting with the sensations from the person in front of me. A warm flush spread from my stomach down. My breathing got even heavier as I was about to reach my peak.

“Phii…oh, ah…”

“Why call for me, hmm?”

“Oh. I…I’m going to ah…” I couldn’t breathe fast enough with my heart beating too wildly, my whole body feeling hot. Phii Johan seemed even more pleased seeing I was about to reach my limit, his warm breath caressing my neck, his deep voice whispering by my ear as if teasing.

And when I couldn’t hold back anymore, I, already drained of energy, gave out completely, leaving a white smear on his hand. I leaned against the person in front of me, unable to move. Given just a few moments to catch my breath, I felt something growing against me, and was shocked again when slender fingers used that white smear to rub along my back entrance.

“Ah! again!” I bit my lip tightly when his slender fingers slowly entered from behind, his other hand gripping my hip firmly. I closed my eyes tightly out of fear.

It hurts…it hurts so much.

   “Does it hurt?” The deep voice whispered softly. I didn’t dare let him see my face, as I was feeling too flushed and embarrassed.

“Ahh! ah, uh!” I quickly bit my lip when my voice came out too loud, as his long fingers moved in and out. The pain gradually turned into a tingling sensation. Seeing that I was trying to hold back my moans, he pushed his fingers in deeper, “Uh!”

“Show me what you want to do.” After the whisper, the movement of his fingers became faster, adding a second finger, which made me cry out louder despite myself. I winced at the mix of pain and an unfamiliar sensation, and because of his deep voice by my ear, my mind scattered once again.

Yes…I was defeated.

Completely defeated.

I slowly reached out with my trembling hand, touching the fly of his pants, hesitating on what to do next. I kept my face buried in his shoulder and neck, not even daring to look up.

Go in.

“Hurry up.” the deep, low voice urged again, the feeling of emptiness and churning in my stomach intensified with each movement of his fingers. As my body started to get used to two fingers, he gradually added a third.

“Ugh…it hurts! It hurts. It hurts.” I cried out immediately feeling a sharp pain, but he kept pushing three fingers in, “Hic, it hurts, it really hurts.” “Just bear with it a little longer.”

“Otherwise, you won’t be able to handle it later.”

“Uhmm, uh, uh.” I bit my lip tightly, but sounds still escaped from my throat. When I unzipped his pants, my mind was too overwhelmed to process much else. I reached out and gently touched his manhood.

I was surprised by its size; my hand couldn’t even wrap around it fully, and it seemed to grow even more with my touch. Then I began to move my hand slowly, with a mix of fear and boldness.

The other warm, heavy breathing quickened as my hand moved faster. Not long after, all three fingers were withdrawn, and I instinctively moved my hips following.

Phii Johan positioned me to lean back slightly, then took off his shirt, revealing his broad chest and beautiful muscles, his abs defined with a tattoo at his waist.

He roughly pushed my hair back and licked my lips, which made me feel as if both my body and heart were being scorched by the sun.

Oh, my…

   Why is he so…

   “Ah!” I cried out in surprise as he suddenly made me sit up higher until I was kneeling between his legs. Phii Joe pushed my hips down, my back entrance touching his large core, and as Phii Johan pressed my hips down more, his large thing entered me further and further.

“Ah! more, Phii, it hurts, it hurts, oh…” I said when the pain was at its peak, even more than when he used three fingers earlier. Phii Joe himself grimaced slightly while trying to thrust into me.

“Uh, it’s so tight.” “Oh!” I gasped again, closing my eyes tightly due to the pain from behind until he was all the way in. I felt uncomfortable because of its size, feeling him truly inside me.

“Umm, relax a bit.” Phii Johan said in a lower voice, groaning slightly as he began to move my hips up and down slowly.

“Phii…ah, ahh…” As my back entrance started to get used to it, Phii Joe began moving my hips faster, the pain turning into a tingling sensation. I looked at him with blurred vision.

Why is this man so formidable…

   I must go mad because of him someday.

   “Ah, ah, Phii…Phii Joe, uh…” I called out incoherently, instinctively moving my hips to match his rhythm, it began to get more intense until I could hear the sounds of flesh meeting. When he hit a certain spot inside me, I couldn’t help but cry out louder. It seemed like Phii Johan knew which spot felt better for me, so he thrust into that point repeatedly.

“Ugh, ah! I…I can’t…can’t take it…oh…”

When the pleasure reached its peak, I released again, then felt something warm and hot being shot into my back passage, overflowing.

“Oh…” I breathed heavily through both my mouth and nose. Phii Johan wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me without letting me rest for long, carelessly discarding his pants and walking towards the bed.

Wait…ugh?

I sat on the bed with white fluid still dripping from my back hole, staining everything. When I looked up, I could see Phii Johan clearly.

His body is really good, those abs and that tattoo at his waist…

Phii Joe gave a slight smirk as if teasing me, before he moved closer and kissed me gently then more intensely. Before I could react further, Phii Johan pressed my body down onto the bed, straddling me and slowly spreading my legs. His slender fingers didn’t go in deep, just moved back and forth, making white fluid spill out.

“Uhmm, ugh.” the large manhood entered once more. This time, it wasn’t me moving my hips; it was him taking control. I could feel it thrusting inside, moving in and out slowly then picking up speed.

“Ah, ah, ah, Phii…ah.”

“Umm.” Phii Johan bit his lip slightly before glancing at me, his eyes narrowed in a way that always seemed to mesmerize me. His thrusts were relentless and strong, the sound of our bodies meeting echoed, repeatedly hitting my sensitive spot, driving me nearly insane with each hit, my heart pounding so hard I feared it might burst.

I twisted under him.

The mix of pain and pleasure overwhelmed me. I raised a hand to cover my face when he looked at me, but Phii Joe moved both my hands away and kissed me passionately again.

My whole body trembled with each thrust, my hands gripping his arms tightly to manage the overwhelming sensations. I couldn’t take it anymore; why did I feel like I was going mad?

Before I knew it, he had me turn over, entering me again from behind. After just a few movements, I reached my climax, while he showed no signs of finishing yet.

This position allowed him to go even deeper, Phii Johan focused on my sensitive spots repeatedly. I tried to hold back my moans, but I couldn’t, letting out loud cries almost every time, then flinching slightly as he kissed my back, marking his ownership.

My entire body felt drained, my mind fading bit by bit. I tried to hold onto the last remnants of my consciousness, my hands gripping the bed sheets tightly. When I finally let go, reaching my peak, my mind almost slipped away, then I felt his body tense, warm fluid entered me again, and he withdrew. His tall frame then pulled me into an embrace.

“…”

I was still breathing heavily, my eyes blurry, ready to close at any moment. The warmth from the person next to me made me want to burrow even closer.

Phii Johan pulled the blanket over us, his thick hand holding mine tightly, kissing away my tears while whispering softly in my ear, until my consciousness slowly faded, and I fell asleep.

“Sorry for being a bit too rough.”

“…”

“I really couldn’t hold back.”

 

   NORTH HOW MUCH IS YOUR LOVE CHAPTERS HOME

NORTHHOWMUCHISYOURLOVE, Chapter 22 part 1

   Chapter 22: A million times

   I miss you so much…

It’s been almost one week since Phii Joe went to Boston. We haven’t talked at all, not even in chat. Honestly, he hasn’t replied to my messages at all. There’s no “seen” either, so I guess he must be really busy. What time is it in Boston now, I wonder? Has he eaten yet, or is he just drinking coffee instead of eating again? Phii Joe has this bad habit of overworking; he won’t rest until he’s finished, and he doesn’t like to take breaks for meals, just drinks coffee.

“You’re looking down again.” Duennao, sitting beside me, teased a bit. I didn’t reply, just glanced over.

“What?”

“You’ve been down and depressed ever since Phii Joe left, do you realize?”

“Really?”

“See, you’re too down.”

“Sigh.” I let out a big sigh, then took my hand off my chin and rested my arm on the table, propping my head on my arm instead. Right now, we’re sitting idly in front of the Gear Lawn where the freshmen are busy preparing for the engineering gear event, which is like an event for the first-years who just received their gear. There’s a stage for concerts, which is the main attraction, and stalls selling various things all over.

“Do you miss him that much?” Kyu asked.

“Yeah, I’m worried too. He doesn’t reply to my messages, and I’m afraid to call in case I disturb him.” I said truthfully. Initially, Phii Hill said it was okay to call, since Phii Joe wouldn’t be able to respond to messages much, but I still didn’t dare to call. “It’s going to be another whole week before he comes back.”

“Then he’ll miss the gear event. Oh, usually people would go to these events with their girlfriend or boyfriend, poor North.” Skater said, making a pitiful face at me, oh well.

“Yeah.”

“Poor thing, really, like a dog left by its owner, ears drooping, tail down.” Duennao said, reaching up to pat my head in a comforting gesture. Why does everyone like to pat my head? I swear, I’m going bald at this rate.

“Yeah.”

“North, at this point, just call him.”

“No, what if he’s working?”

“It’s more torturous for two weeks, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, more tortuous than during the military training camp.” I said. The hardest time was indeed those two weeks at the military camp, but right now isn’t much better.

“I understand, you miss him but you can’t see him.” Nao chimed in. “You worry about him like an animal, wondering if he’s eaten, how the weather is, if he’s comfortable, we’re thousands of kilometers apart after all.”

“Nao.” I called out in a drawn-out tone, then lightly shook his arm, “How did you know?”

“Well, my brother is in Boston, isn’t he?” “Right, how many hours ahead is it there?”

“Eleven. So, it must be around six in the morning there.”

“Six in the morning?” I repeated thoughtfully, hoping he’d either be waking up or still asleep. Not that he’s been working since last night without sleep.

“North!” I turned abruptly when I heard someone call my name, and before I could react, someone sat down next to me.

“Prim.” I called the name of the newcomer, who is a friend from the same faculty, the one I’ve talked with in the group chat. Prim is quite active in activities, and knows a lot of people all over the faculty, probably because she’s cute and thus popular.

“Why aren’t you helping out with the booth?” Prim asked.

“I’m tired. I need rest.” I said, though really, I was just being lazy.

“Really? You seem a bit off lately, not as lively. Are you sick?”

“North just misses his owner. The little dog has been left to guard the house alone.” Duennao said.

“Owner? Do you have a boyfriend now?” Prim asked, raising an eyebrow slightly, before reaching out to touch my arm. Prim often does this kind of thing, touching and being close, I’m not sure if she does this with others too. Before, I didn’t mind, but lately, it’s different. I gently removed her hand.

“See, it’s true.”

“What?”

“North, recently, it’s like you’ve got an owner now. You keep removing our hands, not liking to be touched or played with like before.” Prim said with a slight pout. “You got a boyfriend without telling me, how could you get one before me?”

“Actually, I don’t have one.” I said truthfully.

“Then why can’t we play anymore if you don’t have one?”

“I don’t know.” I said, shaking my head. I actually do know why, but I can’t explain it well, so it’s better not to try.

“Still not together?” Skater asked, almost not believing his ears. I nodded in response, “Really, why aren’t you together yet?”

“I’m not sure.”

“North, can you handle this?”

“I’m fine, why do you ask?”

“You’re looking really down.”

“Am I…?”

“Yeah, and it’s weird, why aren’t you two dating yet? Or is it that you won’t?” Skater asked again for emphasis.

“No.”

“Hasn’t he asked you?”

“Yeah.”

“Our friend can’t take it anymore, Kyu.” Nao said, letting out a small laugh. “This is what happens when you miss someone, you’re about to burn up.”

“Do we need to take him to a doctor?”

“What doctor?”

“Dr. Johan.”

“Very funny, you guys.” I said, feeling a bit annoyed. This kind of teasing has been almost constant for the whole week. “If you can’t actually take me to him, don’t say it.”

“Dr. Johan? Is he North’s boyfriend?” Prim asked with a disbelieving look. “Is it true? Phii Johan, the second-year, the really handsome one?”

“They’re not dating, North just said so, but he’s the reason North is sitting here moping.” Kyu explained.

“Oh. Not dating. Then are you talking?” Prim asked again. “Yeah. I guess.” I said truthfully, can we call it talking? “Maybe.”

“Just talking, but you already gave him the gear. I’m confused, why don’t you date already?” Kett said. I shook my head as an answer, indicating I didn’t know either, and why did it turn into a topic about dating?

“Isn’t Phii Johan dating Phii Grace from the dentistry faculty?” Prim mentioned, and that made me frown slightly. Again…this again. Why are there so many rumors about him? I’ve heard a lot since we first met, but many things I’ve seen made me believe he’s no longer a playboy, but I wonder how much of a playboy one can be.

Plus, each girl he’s rumored with is incredibly beautiful.

“The top of the dental faculty in her third year, right? Wow, she’s in top form, and she’s mixed-race too, isn’t she?” Skater said, “Phii Grace is really beautiful, I saw her in person once at a restaurant.”

“Hmm. I’ve heard she’s dating someone, but some say she’s not. It’s confusing, and you’re talking with Phii Joe, right?”

“Uh…yes.”

“It must be tough to talk with someone who’s handsome and well-off, everyone likes him.” Prim said with a playful smile directed at me, “But does he take you seriously? Be careful, okay? We’re worried about you.”

“Um, thanks.” I said quietly, why does this sound so familiar?

“And he hasn’t asked you to be his boyfriend, why?” Prim asked again. I shook my head instead of answering, starting to feel annoyed at being asked this. “Sorry, but maybe you should step back, right? If he’s not asking to be your boyfriend, it might mean he’s not serious, isn’t it? Seriously, he’s always surrounded by beautiful people.”

“Then why does he still talk to North?” Duennao interjected. Nao is the type who gets easily fired up as I’ve mentioned before. If someone says something like this about his friend, he’s not going to like it much, “Are you trying to make North overthink? I’m asking seriously.”

“No. I’m just saying what I think, maybe he talks because it’s easy to be around you, or he feels comfortable, because North is this laid-back type, but not because he wants to…uh, date.”

“…”

“Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to imply anything, are you mad?”

“Not mad.” I said.

“Oh…okay, sorry, then I better go back to working on the booth.” Prim said, giving me a slight, apologetic smile, looking like she felt guilty for saying what she did, maybe she spoke without thinking.

“North, are you okay?”

“I’m okay, why?”

“Then why do you look so sad?” Duennao asked with a worried expression, “ Prim, you can tell she likes you, that’s why she doesn’t want you to have a boyfriend.”

“…”

“North, why are you so quiet? Are you thinking a lot about what Prim said earlier? Don’t think too much about it, either way, he’s serious about you. If not, he wouldn’t have given you a gear.” Kyu said, seemingly trying to comfort me.

“No. I’m not thinking about what Prim said, but I’m wondering if I should go to Phii Hill, maybe he could talk to Phii Joe. I could ask how he’s doing, especially since the midterm results are out. If I ask to see his scores, would that be okay?”

“Yeah, good. I thought you’d take other people’s words too seriously.” Kyu said, letting out a small sigh.

“For what?” “The one who got paid a hundred dollars per second for a video can certainly say that.” Duennao teased again. It seems like he’s really stuck on this topic. I was also taken aback when I saw over sixty thousand deposited into my account. After that, word got out that someone gave two hundred thousand bits, and Duennao’s channel started getting a lot more viewers. Now the channel has tens of thousands of followers, I guess. Nao exchanged those two hundred thousand bits for nearly eighty thousand baht and gave it all to me.

And the one who’s been getting jealous because so many people are hitting on Nao is none other than the idiot Tiger.

“So it’s true then?” Skater asked, furrowing his brows as if he couldn’t believe it. “Too rich, damn. If you were to record a video for an hour, that’d be ten million.”

“Yeah, ten million.” I repeated Skater’s words in disbelief. Ten million…”Shit, that’s so much money, I can’t even imagine it. But he probably wouldn’t transfer that much, ten million is too much.”

“He might actually transfer it. Try it.”

“Who’d be crazy enough to film themselves for an hour? What would I even talk about?” I said. Even twenty seconds left me unsure of what to say. Then I looked down at my phone’s chat with Ter. “I’m gonna go.”

“Where to?”

“To find Ter.”

“And the booth?”

“It’s not like I’m doing anything helpful there.” I said before standing up from the marble bench and heading towards the medical faculty where Ter said he was with Phii Hill and Phii Fah, sitting under the faculty building.

I walked over and sat down at the marble bench where the three of them were. The two seniors were writing something while Ter sat across from them. So I sat next to Ter. “Phii Hill, Phii Fah, hello.” I greeted them, and both looked up with a smile. “Working?”

“Yes, for Joe and Tit too.” Phii Hill answered.

“Has Phii Arthit not come back yet?” I asked, recalling that he was supposed to just go for a couple of days, wasn’t he? Why hasn’t he returned after a whole week has passed?

“Not yet. No idea where he’s disappeared to.” Phii Hill said with a small sigh. “I knew it, with Tit, it shouldn’t have been just a couple of days.”

“Did you try calling him, didn’t he answer?” Phii Fah asked.

No, sometimes there’s no signal.

“Is he really in Miami?”

“Yeah, he is.”

“Phii Hill.” I called out, and he turned to me immediately, “Have you talked with Phii Joe at all?”

“Oh. No, not yet. Do you miss him?” Phii Hill asked, giving me a kind smile. How can he be so gentle? Compared to Phii Joe, whose smile always seems like part of some prank he’s planning on me.

“Uh…yeah.” I nodded slightly.

“Call him then.”

“I don’t dare to call, afraid I might disturb him.”

“You won’t disturb him, you can call. If he’s busy with work, he just won’t answer.” Phii Hill said. I nodded to indicate I understood. But it’s still around six in the morning over there, as Nao said, so I’ll wait a bit longer before calling.

“Oh, you could give this to Nong North.” Phii Fah suddenly said as if he just remembered something, then pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. I took it, puzzled, “These are Joe’s midterm scores.” I looked at the paper in my hand. The exam scores were excellent, almost full marks in nearly every subject. There were some blank spaces for participation points, but overall, it was very good, much better than mine T^T.

“Phii Fah, what does this red mark mean?” I asked, pointing to the red cross.

“Oh, that means he didn’t pass.”

“English? Phii Joe didn’t pass English?” I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. Isn’t Phii Joe supposed to be good at English? Otherwise, he wouldn’t have been able to tutor me that day, and he wouldn’t go abroad for work.

“Well, Joe didn’t attend a single class.” Phii Fah explained before turning to ask the person next to him instead, “Why didn’t he go, Hill?”

“Oh, he said he felt like he was being looked down upon.”

“Looked down upon?” I repeated, not understanding.

“He was complaining that, ‘You’re teaching me grammar? I’m in university, not elementary school, this is absurd.’“

He didn’t attend English class because he felt he was being looked down upon, because the teaching was too easy for him? Wait a minute…what is this about, T^T. I wish I could feel this way too.

“Um, good. Johan is really Johan, huh? Can’t even bear a little patience. I understand it’s too easy, but you still have to attend classes, right? Otherwise, where will you get your grades from?” Phii Fah said, “It’s not like just because you got a 900 on the TOEIC, you’ll get an ‘A’ without going to class.”

TOEIC 900…

“Hill, call Tit again, I’m not sure if he wanted this part corrected too.”

“Okay.” Phii Hill agreed, then took out his phone to call Phii Arthit as Phii Fah suggested. After a moment, it seemed like the call was answered. Phii Hill looked slightly surprised. “He picked up.”

“Put it on speaker, my hands are full.” (What’s up?) Phii Arthit’s voice came through after Phii Hill turned on the speaker, there was a lot of background noise, like he was in a place with a bad signal.

“Tit, there’s some work that needs fixing, should I fix it for you?” Phii Fah asked.

(Yeah, just do whatever.)

   “Where are you? Why is there so much noise?”

(Fah, I’m lost. I don’t know where I am.)

   “Lost? You?”

(Yeah)

   “Where are you?”

(São Paulo)

   !!

Everyone seemed slightly shocked by the response. Phii Hill and Phii Fah exchanged bewildered looks.

“São Paulo? Brazil?”

(Yeah)

   “And why did you go to Brazil? You said you were going with Joe.”

(I landed in Boston, but it was cold. So I thought Brazil would be better, it’s much warmer here.)

Phii Fah raised his hand to his forehead, then let out an exasperated sigh.

“We have to sit here working for you guys. I can understand Joe because he’s working, but you, Arthit, you ran off to Brazil?” Phii Fah asked with a resigned tone. I guessed this wasn’t the first time something like this happened. Phii Arthit seems like someone who doesn’t care much, just decides he wants to go to Brazil and goes, without much planning. Decided to go to Brazil because Boston was cold when he got there, so Brazil seemed better? This guy, I admire him. I couldn’t help but laugh while thinking. Since Phii Joe refused to attend English class because it was too easy, why are all the seniors so amusing?

(I was thinking of going piranha fishing, but it looks like I won’t make it. Gotta head back soon.)

   “You should have realized you needed to come back a long time ago, and you still have the face to go fishing?”

(Yeah, I know, I’ll hurry back. I’m almost out of money.)

   “Where’s Joe then?”

“Joe is in Boston, he wouldn’t run off to travel like you.”

(Ask him to transfer me some money, I don’t have enough to get back to Thailand.)

   Phii Arthit’s words made me and Ter burst into laughter until our stomachs hurt. What’s with this guy? What does it mean to not have enough money to return until you’re asking for Phii Joe? Phii Hill and Phii Fah sighed in disgust before agreeing and hanging up.

“In that case, let’s call Joe then, so Nong North can talk to him if he’s free.” Phii Hill said before dialing Phii Joe. I was still laughing about Phii Arthit’s situation, just give me a moment to compose myself, can I?

(Speak)

   Phii Johan answered. Hearing his voice after a long time made my heart flutter a bit.

“Where are you?” Phii Hill asked.

(Boston, what, do you have dementia?)

   “Guess where Arthit is.”

(Arthit? Why?)

   “Where do you think he is?”

(He told me he was going to Miami. After we split at the airport.)

   “He’s in São Paulo.”

(…)

   “…”

(São Paulo? Brazil, right?)

   “Yeah.”

(What the hell is he doing in Brazil?)

   “Fishing for piranhas”

(…) there was no immediate response from the other end, silence for a moment before a laugh was heard. (Fishing for piranhas? What the hell is that? He said he wanted to race cars in Miami, so how did he end up fishing for piranhas?)

   “He said Boston was too cold, so he went somewhere else.”

(Yeah, go where it’s comfortable.)

   “He said to transfer him some money too, he won’t be able to return to Thailand without money.”

(If he’s out of money, what has that got to do with me, the tickets are already expensive.)

   “I don’t know, that’s what he told me.”

(Alright, alright, I’ll transfer it.)

   (Hill, how’s the junior doing?)

   Junior?

Me?

Phii Joe is asking about me…

Phii Hill glanced at me briefly before turning back to the phone conversation with Phii Johan.

“He’s good, why don’t you talk to him yourself?”

(Better not, I need to finish the work first.)

   “Don’t want to talk?” (No, but if I do, I’ll just want to come back even more. Just hearing his voice, I want to drop everything and come back. That day, I almost booked a flight back to Thailand.)

   “The junior misses you too.”

(Really?)

   “You sound like you don’t believe it.”

(No, just thought if he misses me as much as I miss him.)

   Phii Hill turned to look at me with a slight smile. I clenched my lips tight to suppress the feeling that was swelling in my chest right now. Why does just hearing his voice, just hearing that he misses me, make my heart beat so intensely?

(Hill, why are you quiet?)

   “No reason.”

(Okay, just tell him about the exam scores.)

   I remembered that the physics score, which Phii Joe had tutored me for, turned out quite bad. Usually, I don’t worry too much about grades, but because I had asked him to tutor me, I felt really guilty when the results were poor. I was afraid he might be angry, especially since he had put in a lot of effort to teach me well, but I just couldn’t remember the formulas during the exam.

“Say what?”

(Don’t worry about it.)

   (You did well.)

   !!

Suddenly, the feelings that had been bottled up inside me burst forth. I bit my lip tightly before resting my forehead against Ter’s shoulder, who was sitting next to me, as if seeking comfort. Ter gently patted my head.

It was longing. I could feel it was longing. I missed his voice, his embrace, his touch, everything, especially his kindness and warmth that I always received. Phii Hill talked with Phii Joe for a while before hanging up. Ter didn’t say anything, just let me lean on him for a bit before I sat back up.

“I thought you were going to cry.” Ter said.

“I’m not going to cry.”

“You looked like you were about to, oh dear, poor little doggy.” he said, patting my head again with a look of affection. What’s with this, does he enjoy petting people’s heads?

“Again, calling me a dog again.”

“It’s really like that, North, you are like a dog left at home alone by its owner.”

“See, all of you.” I said, making a grumpy face, wondering if they had all coordinated this, all saying the same thing. “How many more days until he comes back?” I turned to ask Phii Hill and Phii Fah.

“Oh, probably about eight more days.” Phii Hill answered.

“Wow, eight more days.” I said before letting out a sigh. By the time he gets back, it’ll be like waiting for Day’s sports event. Because I’ve never missed anyone this much before, I feel the wait is torturous. I’m not fond of feeling this way either, it’s kind of draining, but I’m not sure what to do about it, really.

“Joe wants to come back too, you can tell from what he said.” Phii Hill remarked. I gave a slight smile in acknowledgment. Right…we’ll see each other soon.

If we meet, can I get a hug, I wonder…

Three days have passed…

   Finally, the day of the engineering faculty’s gear event has arrived. It’s around 5 PM now, and the concert will start at about 10 PM. The performers include students from various years, and of course, not us. Our job is to watch over the booth. Actually, it’s a random draw to decide who has to man the booth, and unfortunately, Skater’s name was drawn. So, all four of us had to come, what a stroke of bad luck. “The event’s about to start, North, hurry up!”

“Yeah, I know. Give me a moment!” I shouted back. Currently, I was sitting behind the booth squeezing lemons. Seriously, why do we have to sell butterfly pea and lemon water? Who came up with this idea? My hands are all worn out from squeezing lemons!

“Who thought of this? My hands are sore as hell.”

“Stop complaining, North. Look at me.” Duennao called out from the other side. I burst out laughing immediately after seeing his condition. Duennao was sitting with Skater, peeling coconuts. “Where am I peeling? The knife almost cut my hand. Damn, couldn’t we sell something simpler? Why coconut water?”

“Our faculty’s girls suggested natural drinks for health and weight loss: coconut water, butterfly pea with lemon, roselle, and pandan water.” Kyu explained while arranging items, while he himself went to buy bubble tea from another department’s booth.

“Wow.”

“Yeah, how did they even come up with this idea? The ones doing the work are us. Kett, you unlucky bastard, you actually drew your own name.” I said irritably. Lemons used to smell nice to me, but now their scent just stings my nose.

“Hey, what did I do wrong? I didn’t want to sit here peeling coconuts either. At least we ordered them; they didn’t tell me to go climb trees at the agriculture department to get them. I’d really cry if they made me do that.”

 

   NORTH HOW MUCH IS YOUR LOVE CHAPTERS HOME

NORTHHOWMUCHISYOURLOVE, Chapter 21 part 2

Phii Johan went to Boston…

   He left since yesterday evening; I couldn’t go to the airport to see him off because of my exams. I heard he finished his exams earlier, and Phii Joe didn’t say much about it. Judging by the travel time, he should be arriving soon. He went with his father and several other people from the company, with Phii Arthit on the same flight, though Phii Arthit planned to travel alone for a few days before returning.

Fourteen days, huh…I figure we won’t talk much like before because of how busy the work will be, plus if he has free time, it’s better he rests.

Phii Prang told me that Phii Johan talked to his father about work, proposing to work in Boston. If successful, he wouldn’t have to work this hard anymore, just assist occasionally, and focus more on his studies because medical school is getting tougher. And Phii Prang mentioned that importantly, it’s because of me…

‘The person who truly matters to Phii Johan is the one who gets his time,’ that’s what Phii Prang told me. Honestly, I didn’t want him to reduce his work because of me, but as Phii Prang said, now he needs to focus on his studies, and after graduation, he can work seriously. I agree with that. Continuing at this pace would definitely be bad. Just studying medicine is already overwhelmingly hard.

As for when he’ll give me his time, let it be after work and studies.

“North.” I turned around at the sound of my name being called while I was walking down from the building after just finishing my midterms. This time, the exams were really over. I saw Tiger following behind me. We were now separated from other friends, and I was about to head back to my dorm too. My motorcycle had been fixed as well.

“What’s up?”

“I need your help with something.”

“Huh, what is it?”

“Nao, man, I’m going crazy here.” Tiger said with the most serious face, “Do you know about Nao streaming games?”

“Streaming games?” I raised an eyebrow, repeating his words. Oh, right, Nao had mentioned wanting to try it because it seemed fun, and he already likes playing games. I fully supported him at that time, believing he’d do well at it. “He’s done it?”

“Yeah, he’s been doing it for a while now. You didn’t know?”

“No.” I shook my head, “Just found out now.”

“Oh, he said he wasn’t going to tell anyone because he was embarrassed, but since we’re roommates, I found out.”

“So, he’s really doing it.” I said excitedly, “Wow, that’s cool, I want to see.”

“Listen to my problem first, this is why I’m asking for your help.” Tiger said seriously again, looking quite uncomfortable. “I’m already dead, man.”

“Go on.” I turned to listen intently.

“Can you talk to Nao? Tell him to stop.”

“Huh? Why?”

“A lot of people are hitting on him. As soon as they see Nao’s cute on stream, they start donating like crazy, those bastards. I’m not happy at all every time he does his show.” Tiger explained, genuinely stressed. “At first, I supported him because I saw he liked it, but now it’s just not possible anymore.” “Oh, but how can we make him stop if he likes it?” I asked back. “North, you don’t understand my feelings. Please, I’m really going crazy here.” “Alright, alright, I’ll try. But what should I say to him?” I said. Although I didn’t really want to help much, I understood Tiger’s feelings. He’s protective of his own, and Nao is my little ship too, T^T

“Say whatever you need to.”

“Then just ask Nao not to turn on the camera and not to talk to too many people commenting.” I suggested, thinking this would be the best middle ground. Suddenly asking him to stop would likely upset Nao, and it would hurt his feelings too.

“Yeah, yeah, that works.”

“Okay, but how should I approach it? Wouldn’t it be weird to just tell him without any context?”

“Just come to our room tonight, watch Nao’s game stream, and then quietly give him the heads up.”

“Alright, I’ll go change clothes and then head over.” I said excitedly, eager to see how Nao streams his games. I then rushed back to my dorm, changed quickly, and went straight to Duennao and Tiger’s room.

“Nao, hey, I’m here!” I stood at the door, knocking a few times before Tiger opened it. I’ve visited here several times; it’s quite a spacious room. Nao was sitting in front of the computer, and Tiger flopped down on the bed.

“North, come in!” Duennao waved me over. I hurried to sit beside him.

“Wow, are you on live?” I leaned in to look. Nao was live streaming a game, chatting a bit in the chat about his gaming channel. Nao mentioned he wanted to try streaming for fun, found it interesting but was shy, so he hadn’t told us yet, but now that I knew it was okay, because he planned to tell us after streaming for a while and wanted us to try playing together. He already had nearly ten thousand followers, which was impressive given he hadn’t been streaming for long. “Yep.” “Wow, that’s cool.” There were over two thousand people watching the live, the numbers at the end were slowly increasing, and the comments were scrolling up continuously.

: Who’s that, a friend?

   : Cute friend, looks just like Duennao.

   : I miss Khun Sua, Sua, where are you?

   “Say hi to the viewers, introduce yourself.” Duennao said, now it seemed like I was part of the live stream.

“Oh, hello, my name is North.” I said, feeling quite nervous. There were lots of comments interacting with me, making it feel like I was truly talking to the audience.

“Help me read the comments. Right now, I can’t play and watch the comments at the same time, I’m not used to it yet.” Nao said, before turning his attention back to the game.

“Uh, okay.”

: You play so well, I want to be good like this too.

   : Review the new tank character a bit.

   “Nao. They said to review the new tank character.” I read the comment out loud.

“I’ve tried playing it and I don’t think it’s very good yet, too thin, but I saw Sua playing it well. Not sure how he does it, I’ll try changing the gear and review it again next time.”

: Tiger so much, lol, bring him on camera a bit.

   : Miss you, Tiger.

   “Tiger, there are people saying they miss you.” I said, “Do you want to come live too?” “Uh, at first, Sua joined the live, Sua, come here.” “Nah, I’m lazy.” “Oh, not helping at all.” Nao dragged out his words. I turned to see Tiger sitting on the bed, leaning against the wall with headphones on, eyes glued to his phone screen.

: Play the game I sent you, please, I want to see you play.

   “They said to play the game they sent, what game is it?”

“What game? You’re kidding, right? They sent a horror game. I’m scared. Can I not play it?” Duennao shook his head, looking slightly grim, while his eyes lingered on the game for a bit, probably finishing up the current session.

: Your friend’s there, what’s there to be scared of? Let’s play together.

   : ♣♣♣, want to see, cheering, 100 bits.

   “Thanks for the 100 bits.” I read out, smiling. Even during streams like this, people donate or cheer with bits. A hundred bits is about fifty baht, which is nice, earning money this way.

: Aw, so cute, why are your friends so cute too?

   : Play the horror game.

   Seeing many comments asking Duennao to play the horror game, Nao had to play it, with me sitting next to him. The chaos ensued when we played horror games together, we’d be screaming until we were nearly dead.

“Shit, Nao, don’t go there, that’s a warp point.” I said, shaking Nao’s arm in excitement, both of us losing our minds. The game was really scary, we were arguing about it.

“Oh shit, I’m stuck, I’m stuck, can’t move.”

“You’re trapped, Nao. Run around, it’s coming!”

“It’s chasing me, it’s chasing me!” The chaos was real, comments kept flowing in. Why do people enjoy watching others get scared so much, T^T? But there were genuinely a lot of comments complimenting Nao’s cuteness, which made me understand why Tiger likes him.

“Phew, let’s take a break.” Nao let out a big sigh before locking the character in the bathroom to hide from the ghost. This spot was safe as long as nothing popped up.

“I can’t handle this anymore. Whoever sent this game is so cruel.”

: It’s safe to hide here, but if you stay too long, it’ll appear behind you.

   : Check the left side, there’s a lot to collect over there.

   “I looked earlier, there was nothing there.” I protested a bit, as there were many comments just messing with us, telling us to go here and there where ghosts were always waiting.

: North is so cute, do you have a channel? I want to follow.

   “Ha. Me? No, I don’t have one.”

: Start a channel then, cheering, 100 bits.

   “Thanks for the 100 bits, but I probably won’t start one. I’ll just come to play often.”

: Come often, bring Sua too, I miss him.

   : FC Phii Tiger, the handsome and kind senior.

   “See, Sua, people are asking for you. Why don’t you come?” Duennao turned to ask, there were indeed many people asking for Sua. I guessed they were mostly girls. After all, our faculty’s moon has fans even in Duennao’s gaming stream.

“No.” Tiger said in a not-so-pleased tone.

: Does Tiger have a girlfriend? He’s so handsome, and he’s the faculty’s heartthrob, right?

   : I love you, Sua, I’m about to cry, I want to see you so bad: w: ready to pay. “Sua doesn’t have a girlfriend.” Duennao answered the comment. “You can try to woo him. I’m rooting for him to get a girlfriend too.”

Err…Are you okay with this? T^T

I turned to look at Tiger, who was sitting there playing on his phone with his earphones in, seemingly uninterested in what was going on here. Or was he just pretending not to hear? Suddenly, my phone notification sound went off, and I checked it immediately.

Tg.: Bastards…

   Tg.: I’m about to cry.

   North♣: Hang in there, buddy.

   Tg.: And I asked you to stop him, why did you come to play too? My boy is getting all the attention.

   North♣: Well, they like it because Nao’s stream is fun, right?

   Tg.: You’ll see, those bastards haven’t come yet.

   North♣: They haven’t come? Are you watching the live right now?

   Tg.: Yes.

   North♣: Then why not play with us?

   Tg.: That’s my business.

   So, Tiger is just there, not joining in even though we invited him, but he chooses to wear headphones and watch us stream from behind. What’s that about?

Guitarrr: Live early today, just got out of class, Cheering, 1,000 bits.

   Guitarrr: Did you bring a friend? The friend is cute too.

   Tg.: See that, what a scumbag.

   North♣: What?

   Tg.: Yeah, just watch. “Thank you, Phii Tar, for the thousand bits.” Duennao said, as I was too busy with my phone to thank for the cheer bits. Phii Tar? That means this person must be a regular follower and cheerer, so Nao remembers him.

Tgkljhgtyuik: Cheering, 1,000 bits

   “Oh, thank you for the thousand bits.” I read the comment. But what does this name mean? It’s like they just slid their fingers across the keyboard.

Tg.: You bastard. Who told you to read it?

   Was that you?!!

“Phii Kant, thank you.” Duennao said with a smile. Phii Gant? Who’s that? Is it Tiger? Why call him Phii Gant?

“Is his name Kant? How did you know?” I asked.

“Hmm. He often cheers with bits. He’s been following since the beginning, so I asked for his name. He said to just call him Kant, so I call him ‘Phii’ because I think he’s probably older.”

Oh…

So, the sweet Phii Kant in the background of Duennao’s stream is actually the jerk sitting behind us!

Tg.: He even calls me ‘Phii,’ so cute.

   Tg.: My heart, I’m going to die.

   Tg.: Damage, +9999999

   His hands were typing away messages to me, but his face was completely impassive. I turned to look at him, pursing my lips tight, trying my hardest not to laugh. Don’t laugh, North, don’t laugh. Otherwise, the secret will be out for sure.

Damn, holding back laughter until my stomach hurts.

North♣: And why does it have to be Kant?

   Tg.: It’s my real name. Oh…Tiger’s real name is Kantanith. So he just let us call him Kant. That’s awesome, Duennao probably doesn’t know, there must be a hundred thousand people named Kant.

Guitarrr: Today was so exhausting at school, Nong Nao, you really heal my heart, I feel better now. Thank you, cheering, 1,000 bits.

   Tgkljhgtyuik: What the hell are you, cheering, 5,000 bits.

   Guitarrr: Here you are again, why do you always pick on me?

   Guitarrr: Cheering, 5,000 bits.

   Tgkljhgtyuik: Cheering, 10,000 bits.

   Guitarrr: Cheering, 25,000 bits.

   Tgkljhgtyuik: Cheering, 50,000 bits.

   Guitarrr: Cheering, 50,000 bits.

   Tgkljhgtyuik: Cheering, 75,000 bits.

   What the hell is this…

“Uh…Nao. Look at the comments for a moment.” I called out. This is just ridiculous. What are these two doing, competing to pay for Nao? Nao has set his stream not to show on-screen how many bits people are cheering, you have to look at the comments to see it, because he said it was distracting, but he’d change the settings once he gets used to streaming.

“What’s up?”

“Here.”

“…”

“Hey! Thank you both so much, I’m so happy, but don’t fight, okay? Love each other.” Duennao said, sending an embarrassed smile towards the camera. He must be at a loss too, just like I would be. Two thousand five hundred bits is like over a thousand baht. And the latest cheer from Tiger was seventy-five thousand bits, which is about thirty thousand baht.

Damn, why are they so rich?

Guitarrr: See, Nong Nao said not to fight.

   Tgkljhgtyuik: Then you go away.

   So arrogant! Yet he still asked me to talk to Nao. I turned around to see Tiger just staring at his phone, keeping a poker face, but I’m sure he’s fuming inside. Whenever someone messes with Duennao, he gets like this, but he can’t show it openly.

Captain…fight him…

Tg.: North. You, you said you’d help.

   Tg.: Damn person.

   North+: If you’re mad at someone, don’t take it out on me. What did I do wrong? T^T

   Tg.: I told you to stop him, not to play along.

   North♣: It’s super fun though.

   Tg.: Stop talking for a bit.

   Tg.: Normally, Nao doesn’t chat with comments as much as you do. Because of you, more people are watching.

   North♣: Isn’t it good that more people are following?

   North♣: Nao won’t have to steal dog food from in front of the dorm to eat anymore.

   (Read)

   Tiger stopped replying to the chat. After a while, he walked out, looking quite angry. Why does he look so scary, TT? It seemed like he was on the phone. I turned my attention back to the game.

…

“Phii, where are you?”

(Don’t get too familiar, you brat.)

   “Phii Johan, where are you?”

(Boston, why?)

   “Did you just arrive?”

(Yeah, I just got off the plane. What’s up?)

   “Have you seen what I sent you, in the chat?”

(No)

   “Go check it out.”

(Can’t you just tell me?)

   “Go look first, it’s about your wife.”

(What’s this about?)

   “It’s North, he’s streaming games with Nao.”

(I know. Why did you let this happen?)

   “I tried to stop it, didn’t I? At first, I asked North to help stop Nao, but then they ended up having fun playing together. There were so many people donating bits.”

(Tell him to shut down the stream.)

   “I was going to do that at first, but if Nao wants to stream, he’ll find a way anyway. You should stop your wife first; she’s been chatting a lot with the commenters. Plus, North is naturally talkative, and now the audience is growing.”

(Alright)

   …

: Does Nong North usually play games? He should play with Nao more often, they’re both cute, and they have great chemistry, cheering, 50 bits.

   “Me? I usually play, I play with Nao.” I answered the comment, because I talk a lot and get along with others easily. When we interact like this, it’s fun, it feels like I’m helping Nao make money.

: Here’s some money for snacks, my little one, so cute, both scared while playing a horror game, Cheering, 100 bits.

   “I told you I’m scared.” Duennao said, glancing at the comment, “Everyone keeps sending me horror games.”

: Oh, I’ll pay for Nong North, I’m going to grit my teeth and add bits, can I flirt with you? Please let me flirt with you, I’m investing a lot here, want to be with you, give you a head pat, Cheering, 10,000 bits.

   “Thank you, but you can’t flirt with me.” I said with a smile to the camera.

: Cheering, 200,000 bits

   : Can’t stay still for a moment, huh?

   : If you want anything, come get it from me.

   Two…two hundred thousand bits!

Suddenly, I felt a chill when I saw this comment, both from the amount of money and from what was written. My smile faded instantly. Even though they didn’t specify who, I think I know who it is.

“Nao, one moment.” I said before standing up from the chair and going to sit on the bed next to Tiger.

“You’ve gone silent, huh?”

“…” I didn’t respond before a chat notification popped up.

Johan: What are you doing?

   North♣: Phii, T^T. I’m just helping Nao with his game stream.

   Johan: How about I deduct money for every time you smile at someone else?

   North♣: No, please don’t, T^T

   North♣: If you don’t like it, I won’t do it anymore.

   Johan: Good.

   Johan: So why did you go there?

   North♣: I just wanted to play with Nao.

   Actually, at first, I was really excited to see my friend doing something this cool. So I just wanted to come watch, but then it turned out to be quite fun. Johan: Really?

   North♣: Yes, Nao is also earning extra income from this.

   Johan: Do you want to do it too?

   North♣: Huh?

   Johan: Send me a video. I’ll pay a hundred per second.

   Johan: Now.

   North♣: Video? Of me?

   Johan: Quick, I’m about to go to work.

   “Tiger, what’s this about?” I asked, showing him my phone screen. Tiger glanced over slightly.

“Just take a video of yourself, what’s confusing?”

“And why should I?”

“He wants to see your face, and hear your voice too, but he probably doesn’t have time to call you. A video can be watched later, and it’s quick to view.” Oh. I nodded in understanding. I’ve seen people do this before, like a video for someone you can’t meet in person, and you can’t call because you’re not free. It’s similar to sending a picture, but this is a video because it has sound.

“So, what should I do?”

“Just film and talk, say you’re working hard or something. Go out to the balcony, it’s too noisy with the game sounds in here.”

“Okay, Tiger, come with me.” I said, pulling Tiger along. I felt too shy to film by myself, so I asked Tiger to hold the camera for me.

I tried to speak but ended up laughing several times out of embarrassment. I’ve never done anything like this for someone else to watch before, and the person watching would be Phii Joe too.

“He’s already rushing you.” Tiger said, looking at my phone. “A hundred per second, huh. If you film for one minute, that’s six thousand.”

“Wouldn’t that be weird? I’m not brave enough to film, I’m too embarrassed.”

“Yeah, annoying. Just film it, he’ll like it.”

“Tiger. You bastard.”

“What? I’ve recorded it.” Tiger said, holding up my phone. I took a deep breath to calm myself before I heard the click of the recording starting.

“Uh…so, Phii Joe, go work hard. Sorry about the gaming stream, and please be careful not to get sick with a cold over there. Uh…and also.” I paused because I couldn’t think of what to say next.

“I miss you, I’ll wait for you to come back.”

Tiger stopped the video and handed my phone back to me.

“That was nice, I wish Nao would say something like that to me too, I’d pay three hundred per word.” Tiger said, letting out a small sigh of frustration.

“You already pay Nao a lot, with all those bits you cheer for him.” I said, before deciding to send the video. I’m not sure if it’ll be okay, but honestly, I didn’t know what else to say and couldn’t bring myself to watch it again because I was embarrassed, T^T.

“Did you record it for a long? You only recorded for twenty seconds, that’s a hundred baht per second, so just two thousand baht.”

“That’s enough.” Can we not say “just two thousand”? That’s a lot of money to live on. Plus, with the change I’ve saved in my pocket, I feel a bit guilty for keeping it. Maybe I should find a way to return it, right?

North♣: You have sent the video

   (Read)

   Read, but no response. He must have gone to work, right?

‘Account x676457x, You have received a transfer of 66,000 baht’

   !! “Tiger…” I called out his name, showing him my phone screen. Why did I get sixty-six thousand…you said two thousand, “You said one hundred baht per second.”

“Oh, I remember now.” Tiger looked at my phone screen for a moment before his face showed that he just realized something.

“Remember what?”

“Not one hundred baht per second, but one hundred dollars per second.”

 

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