SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 14: Chocolate Milk

   “Will that work?”

“Why?”

“How can Phii Fah not know it’s Phoon?” North raised his eyebrows. We’ve been talking about my letter for about five minutes now, “he can probably recognize the handwriting, and how would you talk to him? People usually don’t write letters to strangers, it’s unlikely.”

“Hmm, what North said is right,” Dao agreed.

“But I want you to talk with him, if our condition is that Phii Fah can’t know it’s Phoon, hmm…” North fell silent for a moment, furrowing his brows as if deep in thought, “What about chatting?”    “That probably won’t work, Phii Fah doesn’t chat with people he doesn’t know, he might even block you, that’d look pretty creepy,” Ter said.

“Still, I want to write a letter,” I said, expressing my feelings, “I kind of like writing letters, and it feels nostalgic.”

“Then write a letter,” North concluded, “It’s up to you.”    “Okay,” I nodded.

“Then let’s think about the next step, how to get Phii Fah to write back to you,” Ter suggested, “Give it a high school vibe, like when you see a friend secretly sending letters or snacks to their crush.” “But I think it might work,” Dao said, “Even if Tonfah doesn’t reply to the letter, at least he’ll know someone likes him this much.”    “Yeah, I agree with that,” North nodded. It had turned into a topic where everyone was seriously exchanging ideas, “If you love someone, you have to let them know. If you secretly like Phii Fah, you should do something for him. Not just secretly like him for nothing.”

Secretly like him for nothing…

Okay…T^T

“I like that phrase, ‘secretly like him for nothing’,” Ter repeated the words and chuckled slightly.

“Well, it’s true, if you can’t do it, it’s fine, but if you can, then do it. Let him know how much you love him, that you’re ready to take care of him, to listen, to be there to support from a distance. He won’t know unless you send your feelings.”

“Ah…” I fell silent, pondering. Feelings only matter when they’re conveyed…North is right, if he doesn’t know…then our feelings won’t help him at all.

The feeling I want to send…when Fan started writing letters to me, the reason was like this as well.

“When you realized you liked Phii Jo, what did you do?” I asked.

“I showed it, I was straightforward, even gave him chocolates.”    “You gave chocolates before you were even dating?” Ter said. “It’s not a big deal, my heart was already with him, why should I deny it?”

“I really like you, man,” Ter said, laughing, “You’re truly the charge-forward type.”

“I couldn’t do what you did,” I said softly, about being the type to charge through everything like North. I just couldn’t do it.    “You don’t have to do it like me, just do it your way,” North raised his eyebrows and said, “Express it in your own way.”    “Yeah, that’s right,” I nodded in understanding.

“So, let’s do this…we start by sending the first letter,” Daotok was silent for a while, probably thinking during our conversation, “Along with something small, like a bottle of water. You don’t have to write much.”

We all fell silent to listen to Dao speak.

“It won’t seem like you’re coming on too strong, at first, don’t send letters too often. Gauge Tonfah’s reaction first. If he seems okay with it, then we can send letters more frequently, but if he doesn’t seem okay, we might need to back off.”    “Back off?” Ter asked.

“Yeah, it means he’s not interested. Being too persistent might make you seem like a stalker.”

“Oh, right, right,” Ter nodded rapidly, “I remember, Phii Hill told us that Phii Fah once had a stalker. At first, they sent normal gifts, which Phii Fah accepted kindly, but then it got too intense, it was really scary.”

“And what happened?” I asked, frowning with concern.

“Phii Jo handled it,” North said, “Phii Jo told me about it too.”    “Yeah, it wasn’t hard to track him down, Phii Hill said, and at that time, Phii Jo was really angry too,” Ter continued, making me feel even more uncomfortable.

“So, will Phii Jo come after me?”

“…cat.”

“…Phoon.”

“What…what?”

“You shouldn’t ask such things,” North sighed slightly, “If they knew it was you, Phii Jo wouldn’t do anything, but how would Phii Jo know it’s you?”

“Then we need to be careful not to get caught,” Ter said.    “We’ll just send it normally, like you’re just a junior who secretly likes Phii Fah, there’s nothing strange about that. How many people do you think send things or snacks to Phii Fah each day?”    “…That’s true,” I agreed with what North said. Phii Fah probably gets a lot of stuff every day, so would he even read my letter…    “It’s fine, our advantage is consistency,” North said, “Keep sending them, he’ll soften up eventually. We have another four years before

Phii Fah graduates from university.”

“Four years?”

“Are you discouraged, Phoon? How long have you loved Phii Fah?”

“Since I knew what love is.”

“So, all your life so far.”

“Yes, all my life so far.”

“Then can you love him for another four years?”

“I can love him for the rest of my life from now on.”

I said this and couldn’t help but smile, which made the other three smile along with me.

   I started writing the first letter. Technically, it wasn’t the start of the semester yet, but the third-year medical students had already begun classes. They said it was make-up for classes they hadn’t even taken yet. Today, the senior med students were in class, so North and Ter could come over to my room. Otherwise, it would be hard to go out.    Daotok taught me how to write in a different handwriting style, which was pretty tough but I was starting to get the hang of it. North said we’d probably have to entrust it to someone they don’t know or sneak it into the classroom where Phii Fah would be studying. The first rule was that no one should see us, and the second was to make sure Phii Fah would receive it.

   “They have a lab session this afternoon,” Ter said while looking at

Phii Hill’s class schedule on his phone, “Should we sneak it in?”    “Isn’t that a bit risky?” Dao asked with a concerned look.    “It’s eleven o’clock now, probably in another building, but the real issue is whether there’ll be anyone in the lab.”

“It’s so complicated if we’re going to do it this way. We don’t have to go through all this trouble, do we?” North asked.

“Start with this for now, if it progresses later, we can arrange to leave something somewhere,” Dao said, “Just make sure one of Phii

Fah’s friends sees it, maybe they’ll give it to him.”

“And, Phoon, have you finished writing?”

“Hmm, can I just put a smiley face?”

“Oh, Phoon, what was the point of having Dao teach you to write then?” North held his forehead, “Write something.”

“Eat well?”

“That’s too ordinary.”

“North, what do you want, something more dramatic?” I turned to ask. I had already written a lot, unsure of what to write, having thrown away plenty of paper into the trash, “Study hard?”

“It’s too ordinary, Phoon. We need to be different to stand out, not like everyone else who sends things to Phii Fah. Something like…when you read it, you go, ‘Damn, that’s good, it sticks in your mind, man.’” North folded his arms, his expression serious.

“Phii Fah…I freaking like you so much.”    I said it jokingly.

“…Damn, that works.”

“Oh shit, that one’s really good,” Ter said, laughing loudly, “It’s memorable, really stands out.”

“Hey, I was joking. You guys…” I sighed deeply. Why did I have to say I liked him in such a hardcore way?

“I agree too.”

“…Dao.”

“It’s funny, Phii Fah will definitely laugh.”    Really?

“Go for it, Phoon, trust me, I think it’ll work. I’m like Cupid, every ship I board sinks.”

I looked at the speaker, what did that mean? And in the end, after being heavily persuaded by everyone, especially since I’m easily influenced:

“Okay, I’ve written it.”

“Here…”

“Like this…”

Phii Fah…I fucking love you so much.

   “Is your love this intense?” North said with a big laugh, “But calling him ‘Phii, he knows you’re his junior.”    “Yeah, won’t it be too obvious?” I said.

“Nah, the way you talk isn’t like you at all,” Ter said, “If it were me,

I wouldn’t think it’s you.”

“Alright then.”

“Alright then.”    Really?

While all my friends seemed confident, I felt my heart sink into the pit of my stomach, especially with North who seemed more confident than the others.

We came to the medical faculty where not many people were downstairs, probably because most were in class. The place looked secretive, hidden, a group of four guys that didn’t seem trustworthy at all.

“Did you buy snacks?”

“Yeah, one pack. I don’t know if Phii Fah will like it, but I want to give it to him,” I said. It was a brown paper bag, with “To…Phii Tonfah” written on the front. Inside were snacks, a drink, and a piece of paper.

“Won’t it look like you’re trying too hard? Dao himself said to be careful, and this word is pretty strong,” I whispered, worried, looking at the paper bag in my hand with uncertainty.

“What are you afraid of, Phoon? Make an impression, I told you not to be ordinary like others, believe me, he’ll be interested in you.”

“Interested in a negative way?”

“Not negatively, Phii Fah will like it, trust me.”

I didn’t want to trust North’s words, “Trust me.”

“Hey, hey, hey, you, you…That’s Phii Arthit, right?” Ter nudged, looking up to see Phii Arthit walking down to the bathroom.    “Put it in front of the bathroom, then Phii Arthit will take it to Phii

Fah,” North suggested, “Come on, I’ll put it there myself.” North snatched the paper bag from my hand, took it into the bathroom, and then quickly ran back. We waited eagerly to see the result, hoping Phii Arthit would come out with the paper bag.

He really came out with it…

   I hope Phii Arthit doesn’t open the bag to look.

   Oh…he opened it anyway.

   North tried to hold back his laughter when he saw Phii Arthit take out that piece of paper, and then he burst out laughing, put the paper back in the bag, and took out some snacks.

   Don’t mess with my stuff…

   “Wait, he’s eating it right away,” North said, “Phii Arthit is eating my snacks, why would he do that? I bought them for Phii Fah!” “I think we gave it to the wrong person.”

“Yeah, that’s it.”

“It’s like…”

“It’s okay. It’s just snacks, the paper should reach him.”

“How sure can we be about that?”

“Why did it have to be Phii Arthit who went to the bathroom?” I said with a big sigh. Even though it wasn’t anything expensive, I intended to give it to Phii Fah. Well, let’s just say we treated Phii Arthit to some snacks; maybe he skipped breakfast and was hungry.    “Phii Arthit…” Daotok called out the name of the snack thief. We turned to look at the person sitting next to us. I was drinking fresh milk. We were now at the coffee shop behind the university.

“What is it?”

“Oh, nothing. Just thinking that…”

“That?”

“Nothing.”

I raised my eyebrows slightly in surprise before we paid no more attention to it. Daotok is always like this, like someone with a lot on his mind but doesn’t speak out. We’ve tried to ask before. I think it’s just his nature not to talk much.    The opposite of North, who talks a lot…

“Your love is turning into shit now, Phoon.”

“Fuck, that’s a harsh thing to say, North,” I raised my hand to my forehead at the words of the guy sitting across from me, “It’s just snacks, snacks! He eats snacks, not my love.”

“Let’s pray that the paper reaches Phii Fah,” North changed the subject, “and pray that the message on that paper works too.”    “Why do we need to pray if you’re so confident?” I asked, furrowing my brows.

“Seriously, Phoon?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not confident at all. I was just messing with you.”

“Fuck you, North!!”

“Phoon.”

“Huh?”

“Someone asked me to give you this.” Arthit sat down next to me, placing the brown paper bag on the table. I didn’t look up because I was too focused on my writing.

“What’s this?”

“An empty bag.”

“An empty bag?”

“Kidding, there’s snacks in it too.”

“But you ate them already?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” I shrugged slightly, not paying much attention; Arthit is always like this. I’m used to it, and besides, I don’t even like snacks.

“Why don’t you look inside?”

“You said there were only snacks.”

“There’s something else too.”

I reached for the paper bag, opened it, and found a small bottle of water and a piece of paper inside.

“Why is it?” I turned to ask; there wasn’t anything particularly strange about it.

“Read it first, you’re just asking questions all the time.”    “Arthit, you sound like you don’t want to submit any work this term,” Johan, who was sitting across from me, spoke up while still bent over his work.

I reached for the piece of paper, and when I read the sentence written on it, I was quite surprised.

   Phii Fah…I freaking like you so much.

   “Why are you smiling, Fah?”

“No reason.”

“…”

“It’s cute.”

Time passed, about one week, until the second year started after giving that piece of paper to Phii Fah. Nothing more came of it, and when North told me it was just a prank, my confidence took a big hit.

“Hey, I said it was a prank, but it might work, you know, ouch!”

“You pranked me, huh?”

“Ter, help me, Dao, why is your cat so aggressive?”

“Serves you right, North, it’s good that you get some too. It won’t hurt, it’s just a pillow.”

I got back at North by hitting him in the face with the pillow from the sofa in the shop.

   Sigh…it’s not that bad, Phoon, it might be a good start like North said, if it wasn’t for the fact that the snacks were eaten too.    Now it’s past eight in the evening. I’ve finished studying. Even though I’m not sure if I should take the doctor’s exam again, it’s better to study just in case I decide to do so. If I do, I’ll have to stay away from these guys, which I’m not too keen on.

   The group chat notification sounded; it’s the group with the four of us, named “Taking the Cat for Vaccinations.” North changed the group name after I hit him with the pillow that day.

   SS: The new term is starting.

   It was Daotok who texted, the “SS” being short for Shooting Star, which means Daotok.

-dust-: That’s right, Dao, are you excited? lol    ss: No, it’s the cat that should be excited.

   -dust-: Why?    ss: @Northe

   North♣‘: What the fuck

   North♣‘: Going to sleep    Easter: Wrong group?

   North♣‘: Oh, sorry, lol

   North♣‘: About the letter for Phii Fah.

   North♣‘: Have you started writing? Tomorrow is the start of the term, we’re going to give it to him.    -dust-: Okay, are you sure this time?

   North♣‘: Yeah. No more pranks, lol

   North♣‘: Just write normally, you can add some snacks or something.    -dust-: Okay

   -dust-: sends sticker

   I went back to sit at the table and started thinking about the letter again. At first, when I said I wasn’t confident, I thought it was better not to write it, but after the chat just now, I guess I have to move forward because there’s no other way, and everyone is trying to help this much.

The notification sound rang again. This time, it was Daotok messaging separately.

SS: The cat

   :. I’ve thought about telling you many times.

   ss: But I didn’t dare.

   -dust-: What is it?    ss: It’s just that…    ss: What you wrote said you like him.

   -dust-: Oh, why’s that?    -dust-: Is it not okay, TT?    ss: No, no. Just writing it like that, it’s obvious that it’s from a second-year student.

   : Because at that time, the first years weren’t there yet.    ss: But the cat once said Tonfah tutors a junior, right?

   ss: It probably won’t be too obvious then.

   Oh…it’s messed up now.

   -dust-: It’s probably really obvious, indeed.

   If you use “I” and “you” like that, it definitely means you’re a second-year student. The chance of it being a first-year is slim because they wouldn’t know much yet, and they wouldn’t know that the doctor has classes before the term starts.

Why didn’t I think of this before, Phoon?

-dust-: What should we do…    ss: If Tonfah hasn’t received the letter yet, then it should be fine.    ss: But if he has received it, we’ll have to say it was written by mistake. Or just say it was a prank.    ss: Just a suggestion, but the cat can do whatever.

   -dust-: Okay, thanks for letting me know.    -dust: Guess I’ll have to say it was a prank.

   ss: No problem.    ss: Hope tomorrow is a good day for the cat!

   -dust: Hope it’s a good day for Dao too.

   “Why does it have to be chocolate milk?”

“Because I like it,” I replied. Today, I invited North out early to send the letter. Now, we’re at 7-Eleven to buy snacks for Phii Fah, right near the engineering faculty.    “Just one box of milk?”

“A whole pack would be fine.”

“Are you trying to be Typhoon, the big spender?”

“Uh-huh.”

“One box of milk, some bread should be enough, I guess.”

“Right.”

“And what about the letter?”

“I don’t know,” I said, slightly annoyed, “I haven’t written it yet. I don’t know what to write.”

“We’ve already made a grand entrance. We need to keep up the extravagant theme.”

“Enough already, why do we have to go big every day?” I said as North and I walked out of the store after buying everything. I put the items into the bag I had prepared. I bought one box of chocolate milk and a tuna sandwich, choosing only things I liked.

“Do you have a bag too?”

“Giving a 7-Eleven bag might make it look too simple.”

“Hurry up and write it, I have class soon.”

“Yeah, I know.” I sat down on a bench, taking out a pen and paper to start writing, “How should I do this? Do you have any ideas?”    “Hmm…” North went quiet, thinking, “Phii Fah. I fucking love you so much.”

“You’re crazy, are you going to write the same thing again?”    “I don’t know, Phoon, I’m not delicate enough to understand, I guess.”    “Probably so.”

I fell silent, pondered for a while, then decided to start writing on the paper:    To…Tonfah,

   I guess you might not have had breakfast yet; this sandwich is pretty good. I can confirm because I eat it often, and the chocolate milk is tasty too, plus milk is good for health. Please drink it.

   I hope you won’t be sleepy after studying today.

   …

“Why do I have to study and not feel sleepy?”

“Normally, doctors look sleepy during lectures.”

“And why does it have to be me and you?”

“Dao said using ‘I’ and ‘you’ makes it obvious that it’s from a secondyear,” I explained. North’s eyes widened in surprise, guessing he hadn’t thought of it either, just like me. Then we parted ways. I don’t know who North entrusted it to, but he said he trusted them. So did I.

…

Until the evening when classes ended, I immediately called North.

“How did it go?”

(Well…he accepted it.)

   “Just that?”

(Yeah, he accepted it, and there was nothing else.)

   “Okay…”

(Don’t get discouraged, I told you we need to be consistent.

Everyone falls for consistency.)

   “I know. That’s all for now.”

(K.)

   :

We might have overlooked one important point: how many people are consistently with Phii Fah…Ah, well. It’s fine. No one has loved Phii Fah as long as I have, at least I’m confident about that.

I continued sending snacks and letters, but not every day, because North said that Cupid isn’t always free. I don’t know who North entrusts it to, but it must be quite a bother for them, and Dao suggested not to send it every day. So, I’ve been sending it every two to three days.

A month has passed…

Hmm…

“It’s been a month,” Ter said with a worried frown. Now we’ve gathered again to discuss our problems. This time even Foam joined,

“Has there been any progress?”

“Hmph,” North shook his head, “My Cupid said Phii Fah accepted it with a smile. That’s it.”

“Received with good intentions,” Foam said with a sigh, “Phii Fah’s friend, your boyfriends don’t mention you at all?”

“None/nothing,” North and Ter shook their heads in unison.

“Cat, how are you doing with the letter?”

“Just the usual, wishing for a good day, eat well,” I said, my shoulders slumping. I knew it was too ordinary, but what could I do? This is me. If you ask what I want to do for someone I love, this is the answer.

“Isn’t it too ordinary?” said Foam.

“I’m just an ordinary guy, I can’t do anything more special.”    “It’s alright,” North spoke up, “This kind of ordinariness is what lasts the longest,” he said, revealing a smile.

I smiled broadly; Phii Jo fell for your smile, North, he wasn’t kidding.

“Let’s move forward.”

“Keep doing it like this, huh?” I raised an eyebrow, asking.

“Yeah, keep being this ordinary. Just be yourself, Typhoon.”

“Uh, thanks, North.”

   On some days, I noticed that Phii Fah looked tired. I would send more snacks than usual, some coffee, and write lots of encouragement. The thought of missing someone only means something if it reaches them, right? Here, at least, it has reached him.    At least, Phii Fah ate the snacks I bought, read my little letters. It might not mean much to Phii Fah, but my encouragement has been delivered.

   “Being like this might not be so bad.”

“You seem okay,” North raised an eyebrow, taking the snack bag from my hand, “Are you okay with just loving from afar?”

“It’s not bad. Even if I want to talk, if this is all I can get, then so be it,” I shrugged lightly and gave him a smile. North himself let out a small smile.

“You don’t look sad, I think that’s good.”

“Yeah, at least it has reached him.”

“That’s good, as long as you’re at peace with it.”

“Huh.”

I watched North walk away from the shop area. If you really count the time, it’s been two months since I’ve been doing this. It’s become a habit for me to wake up early to buy things, wait for North, and then give him the stuff.

Daotok started worrying that his plan might not work, but I told him it’s fine, there’s nothing better than Dao’s plan; this is the best way to go.    (Typhoon.)

   “What’s with you, giving me goosebumps.”

(Typhoon, are you free?)

   “What’s wrong with you, North?”

(Just kidding, it feels weird to speak politely.)

   “Damn, what’s up?”

(Come here.)

   “Why?”

(Come down here, I’m under the faculty.)

   “Come on, I’m in class.”

(Sneak down for a bit, I need to get back to my faculty, or Phii

Jo will find out.)

   “Alright.”

I asked the professor to go to the bathroom and went down to meet North under the faculty. Even though I didn’t know why he came, I went to meet him.

“What’s up?” I asked North, who was waiting there.

“Here.” The other handed me a bag.

“What’s this?”

“Open it and see.”

I took the bag and opened it to look inside.

It was one box of chocolate milk and a tuna sandwich, with a small piece of paper in the bag that read…

The chocolate milk and sandwich are really delicious, really.

   Please eat it all: )

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 13: We Are The Team!

   I hardly slept last night because I kept thinking about what Phii Hill said all night. Now I’m sitting blankly on a chair with an empty mind. Being used to sleeping little has made me quite accustomed to this state; it feels like my brain is functioning several times slower.    The morning is pleasantly clear. It’s not too hot. I didn’t forget to take a picture of the sky like I always do. The paper Phii Fah wrote yesterday, I’ve stuck it up for daily inspiration. If I encounter something bad, I can remind myself that it’s nothing.

I’ve decided to tell my friends the whole truth; it’s about time. I think I’m ready for it too. Otherwise, they’ll keep wondering. There have been many incidents where I’ve avoided Phii Fah, and I bet Ter and North have noticed.

Last night, our art club group was chatting on LINE. I decided to tell Dao too. I’ve been getting closer to Daotok; he’s someone who’s hard to get along with. In reality, Dao is quite playful and kind, but he told me about being betrayed by school friends and an ex, making him hesitant to trust anyone. However, Daotok trusts us and shares everything.

When I first learned about Dao’s story, it made me realize everyone has their own unique struggles. When Dao was left alone, it must not have been easy, but he got through it. Even Ter has had his share of bad experiences, like misunderstanding Phii Hill and fighting at home.

In the end, everything got better.

I thought I was doing better after meeting everyone, but deep down, family issues still haunt me, like a knot that keeps hurting and consuming me. I hope, as Ter said, that by speaking out, though they might not be able to help, at least they won’t leave.

As for what Phii Hill said yesterday about thanking Khun Phii Fah, I really don’t understand what he meant. Someone like Phii Hill doesn’t forget things; he must have said it intentionally to make me think about it, or maybe it’s a hint. Why would I need to thank Khun Phii Fah? What’s going on?

I’ve been pondering these questions all night until I got tired of thinking. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. I peeked and saw Ter and North standing outside.

“Hey,” I greeted, “What are you carrying so much?”

“Sweets, from Phii Jo’s mom. She sent too much, so we’re sharing,” North said, placing the bags full of treats on the table.

“Oh, really, thanks,” I said happily before checking what kind of sweets they were, “And Dao?”

“He’ll be here soon, he’s still on the second bus,” Ter replied, coming over to look in the bags with me. North flopped onto the bed.

“Oh, you greedy bastards!”

“Then you’re not eating, huh?” Ter said.

“Eat up,” North said, scanning the room, “Sit in a circle, so we can eat snacks together.”    “On the floor?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

The three of us moved the snacks to the center of the room and sat in a circle, chatting casually until Daotok arrived. Now, the four of us sat in a circle, chatting so much we forgot why we came here in the first place.

“Okay, what’s the purpose of our gathering today?” North asked.

“My issue.”

“Yeah, your issue,” North said, still chewing on some snacks, “If you don’t want us to interfere so much, just say so.”

“Hold on. It doesn’t mean that,” I said with a slight laugh, “I mean, it’s about my issue.”

“Yeah, I know it’s about your issue. We won’t interfere, you jerk.”    “Why are you getting so mad?” I laughed because of North’s exaggerated, angry demeanor, “Let’s talk about my issue, how should

I explain this?”

“Go ahead.”

“Is it that simple?” I raised my eyebrows to ask.

“Yeah, come on, I’m waiting to hear it.”

“You’re so impatient, North,” Ter said, “It’s probably hard to explain.”

“So what?” North asked, “Is it a secret?”    “Secret,” I nodded.

“How secret?”

“How good are you at keeping secrets, North?”

“Ugh, I really don’t want to be involved in this,” North said casually, “You know, even the President trusts me to remember the nuclear codes.”

“Really that much?” I asked, widening my eyes at him.

“Yeah, I’m super good at keeping secrets.”

“For real?” Ter asked, making a face of disbelief.

“Yeah, I’ve kept one friend’s secret about liking another friend for a whole year now, man.”

Is that considered good at keeping secrets?

   “Hmm, well…actually, I don’t want you to tell anyone else,” I started speaking seriously, “It’s quite a secret, a real secret. Don’t tell anyone, especially not the doctors.”

“…”

Everyone began to frown seriously, except for North, who still had that innocent look.    “North.”

“Hmm, what?”

“Agreed?”

“Yeah, do you think I’m the type to blab?”

“Completely.”

“Very funny, Phoon. I know when to be serious,” North said, pouting in annoyance.

“Okay, it might not be…something you think is a big deal, but it’s my whole life up to now, my life before I met you guys. I just ask that you don’t hate me for this,” I said, clasping both hands together. My hands were turning cold because of the silence in the room and the growing tension, making me hear my own heartbeat.

“Do we look like the type to hate you?” Ter asked, “Right, Dao?”    “We don’t hate cats, even if they scratch our faces,” Daotok said, which made me smile involuntarily, “You can scratch, just take us for shots afterward.”

“Alright, I’ll start…”

And then I began telling the whole story to the three of them, everything, from when I was a kid, the story about Phii Fah, Fan, my family issues, the punishments I’ve endured, everything. It took nearly half an hour to tell. Ter listened with a tense look, Dao too, while North seemed more angry than anything.

“Damn.”

“North, calm down.”

“What’s with your dad?”

“North…” Ter warned, knowing North was hot-headed. I understood well; it was really frustrating, indeed.

“It’s fine,” I spoke up, “I’m a bit angry too.”

“Sigh, sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, really,” North sighed.

“It’s okay, North, you can speak. Go ahead.”

“Uh, I just wanted to say not everyone is suited to be a parent.”    “Hmm,” I nodded slightly, looking down at my tightly clasped hands, “But he’s already my father.”    “Sigh, you’re amazing, Phoon,” North said.

“Me?”

“Yeah, you’re incredibly strong, you know that?”

“Really?”

“Yes, thanks for getting through it,” Ter said, getting up to kneel, spreading his arms wide, “Come here for a hug.”

“…Ter.”

I called out softly to the person in front of me, tears I didn’t know where they came from slowly dripped down. I slowly went in to hug Ter, resting my face on his shoulder.

“Hic…hic, sob…”

“You crybaby,” North said, before gently patting my back in a comforting manner.

“There, there, kitty,” Daotok also came in for a gentle hug. I reached out my other arm to hug Dao as well.

“…Thank you, guys.”

After crying and hugging them, I went to the bathroom to wash my face, then came out to find the troublesome bunch messing with my desk.

“What are you doing?”

“Is this your sister Fan?”

“Hmm, why?”

“I thought you were a fan of this artist and this was your idol, that’s why there are so many photos,” North said, already sitting comfortably in my chair, “This way, you must miss your brother a lot.”

“Well, yeah,” I said softly, slumping down on the bed.

“How about putting up a photo of me? So you can miss me too.”

“…Probably not a good idea.”

“North is trying to insert himself into your nostalgia, Phoon,” Ter said, coming to sit next to me. Meanwhile, Dao stood beside North, scanning the table with his eyes.    “Does the cat write letters every day?”

“Yes.”

“Wow, if it were me, I’d be so lazy.”

“I thought you’d like drawing and writing,” I said.

“That’s work,” Daotok said, “I like doing work.”

“No work, no money, people need to eat and spend, right, Dao?” North said, pulling out his wallet, searching for something, then placing a student ID photo on the table, “Do you have scissors?”

“North, what are you doing?”

“Pasting my photo, of course.”

“You’re sticking up a student ID photo?”

“Yeah, I don’t have any other photos. Here, scissors,” North rummaged through my drawer without asking, cutting out his photo from the blue background, “Glue?”

“Do I have to read while looking at your photo, seriously?” I asked, frowning. He’s even cutting it out; he must really mean it.    “Here’s the glue.” Found glue too. Shouldn’t have put used stuff in the drawer. “Do you want photos of Ter and Dao too?”

“No, thanks.”

“Why?” Ter shot back quickly, “Why do you have a photo of North but not of me?”

“…”

“I won’t accept this, Phoon, I won’t, I’m upset, right, Dao?”    “Hmm, why are you doing this, cat? You don’t love your friends equally,” Dao said, frowning seriously, just like Ter who was pretending to be pouty beside me.

What’s this all about…

   “Phoon loves me. Don’t you know that?” North said, shrugging slightly, sticking his photo he just cut out with glue, “The loser has to take care of themselves, okay?”

“What’s ‘okay’ in your house?”

“Hey, Ter, you’re so harsh,” North said, laughing out loud.

“What do you want, Phoon? Choose me, Dao, or North.”    “Why do we have to take sides?” I asked.

“Choose, there’s North. No need for me.”

“Now it’s getting out of hand,” I said, laughing, “What is this? Can’t

I choose both sides?”

“Phoon, you two-timer,” Ter stood up and pointed at me, “Didn’t you say we’d love each other forever?”

“Oh, so you broke up with me to be with Phoon, huh?” North chimed in, remembering that these two had just broken up, “How could you do this, Ter?”    “You’re old news, get out.”

“I’m hurt, Phoon, come here.”

“What?”

“You stole Ter from me.”

“Hold on.”

“Let’s talk like men.”

“…Sigh, Dao, stop them, please,” I turned to Daotok for help when I saw that Ter and North weren’t going to back down. Initially, they were fighting over me, but now they were arguing about breaking up. However, Daotok just stood there, trying not to laugh while recording a video.

“So, in summary, it’s a love triangle. At first, North and Ter were dating, then Ter broke up with North over some chocolate issue, and then Ter started liking Phoon, but Phoon chose North instead,”

Daotok explained, “It’s up to Phoon now to choose.”

“I don’t want to choose either.”

“Life requires choices.”

“Then choose Dao.”

“Ohhh,” North dragged out the sound, “In that case, me and Ter will get back together.”

“Fine, but you can’t steal my chocolate again.”

“For the sake of the younger brother, I can do it.”

“So, you guys are back together now? You just broke up yesterday,” I said with a sigh. North is nonsensical, Ter usually goes along with it, and so does Daotok.

“Hey, Phoon, can I print something?”

“Sure, why?”

“I need to print something,” North’s words made me get up to see.

“Why do you want to print a Naruto picture?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.

“I want to put my face on it.” North printed the picture, cut out just Naruto’s body, and then pasted his own face from the student ID photo onto it, “I’ve pasted it.”    “No, no, damn it.”

“I’ve already pasted it.”

“…Fck.”

Now, on the wall next to my desk, there’s an image of North as Naruto.

   What the fck…

   Seriously, fck.

   The point is, I have to sit at this desk every day to study, looking at North’s Naruto face every single day.

   Damn…

   “Fcking hilarious,” Ter said, laughing out loud, “And his head is bigger than the body, your photo is too large, man.”    “Why does it have to be Naruto?” I asked.

“I want to be Hokage.”

Hmm…protect the village too, Lord Hokage.

   “Ter, are you in?”

“Sure.”

Ask me first; it’s my wall…

And then Ter became Chubby Maruko, because the torso part of the picture was a bit small, sticking beside North, who was Naruto.

Maruko-chan…isn’t your face stranger than usual?

“Dao, are you interested?”

“Yeah, why not.”

Sigh…can’t stop them anymore, do whatever you want.

   And then Daotok became Shin-chan, with North using the image of Shin-chan with his pants down.

   “Why does it have to be Shin-chan?”

“We like Shin-chan.”

“Okay.”

“Phoon, are you in?”

“No.”

“What do you like? How about a cat?”

“No.”

“How about Jiji, the cat from ‘Kiki’s Delivery Service’? It’s cute, right?” Daotok suggested.

“Too cute,” North said, “When we talk about cats, which one comes to mind?”

“Doraemon,” Ter said.

“Yeah, yeah, the chubby one is good.”

“North,” I called his name in a low voice, but it seemed too late.    He started printing out a picture of Doraemon, intentionally scaling it down a bit so he could paste my face onto it, and I became Doraemon, with an even bigger head, still a cat, but now a 21stcentury robot cat.

At first, the wall had nice, dreamy pictures, but now it’s just full of cartoon characters, and they’re all terrible. Sorry, Fan, your picture has to be next to these ones.

“Come on, when you’re feeling down while studying, seeing these will definitely de-stress you,” North said.

“It’ll stress me out even more. Look at your faces, these student ID photos, damn it.”

“Your face is so puffy, North,” Ter said after staring at North’s student ID photo.

“Too much light, man, your eyes look cross-eyed.”

“How can my eyes be cross-eyed? I was looking straight at the camera,” Ter said, “But Dao’s photo turned out nice.” Daotok gave a shy, small smile at the compliment.

Then we all sat back in a circle like before. North suggested we play poker. I remembered we played last time too, when Dao read my fortune and commented on my love life. I had completely forgotten about that.

“Want to read fortunes?” North suggested. He’s very into fortunetelling, believes in it wholeheartedly, even admitting to being quite superstitious.

“Can’t do it today,” Dao said.

“Why?”

“It’s closed…like, can’t do it.”

“Oh,” we nodded in understanding, “Hey, Dao.”

“What?”

“Since you’re good at reading fortunes…do you have any special senses?”

My question made Ter and North look at each other, and Daotok went silent.    “If I said I did?”

“Then I’d like to ask…”

“Phoon,” North called my name with a trembling voice. He’s the type of guy who’s not scared of anything in the world, except for ghosts, which scare the wits out of him.

“We don’t have any.”

“…”

“Really, I have no sense for this.”

I sighed without knowing why; Daotok gave a small smile before we went back to playing cards.

“By the way, what about the gift you mentioned?” North suddenly remembered, “The one for someone named Ren, have you kept it?”

“Kept it.”

“Want to see it.”

“Sure.” I got up from the card circle and went to fetch four boxes, placing them in the middle of the room. Everyone immediately turned their attention to them.

“Who’s this Ren?” North asked while examining the box, opening it to look inside.

“You really think it’s your mom, don’t you?” Ter asked, also opening another box.

“Hmm, I wish it was.”

“So, Ren is you?”

“I don’t know.”

“It might be a name your mom gave you before your dad changed it to Typhoon,” North suggested.

“I don’t know. I don’t know where to find evidence or information,” I said, frustrated. There was only the name Ren written on it. What should I do with this?

“If you sent it to the wrong person, that would be funny.”    “Yeah, what if we sent it to the wrong person?” I nodded in agreement with North.

“If it really is your mom, what will you do?” North asked, making me pause. That’s right…if it really is my mom, what would I do next?

“Would you meet her?”

“I don’t know, but I want to, I want to ask everything, but another part of me is scared, I don’t know.”

“Go for it.”

“…”

North’s words made me turn to look at him.

“Just go meet him, at least you’ll meet.”

“Hmm.”

“This is…” Daotok’s voice made us all turn to look. Dao picked up a robot model from a box, “This robot is a limited edition.”    “Really?” I asked, eyes wide with disbelief, crawling over to Dao.    “Yeah, produced only in the year 2008, just at the beginning of the year.”

“Wow…” I looked at it, stunned, “So, it’s really rare then.”    “Yeah, I’ve seen people looking for it. Only a few were made.”    “Is that true?” Ter raised his eyebrows to ask.

“It’s true. I’ve been collecting things like this since I was a kid; I wanted one too,” Dao said, his eyes sparkling as he looked at the robot in his hand, probably really fond of it.

“Where was it produced?” I asked.

“Japan.”

“Then we have a little clue, right?” North said, “This gift was sent in 2008, it might have been sent from Japan, but there are several possibilities.”

Yes…as North said, there are many possibilities. The person who sent it could be in Japan and sent it from there, or it could be a tourist who bought it in Japan.

“I think it might be a Japanese person.”    “Why?” I turned to ask Dao. “Foreigners probably wouldn’t know about it much, since there were so few of them, and at that time, the company wasn’t very well-known either. Only Japanese people would go and buy it.”

“So, that means the percentage of it being bought by a Japanese person is higher, right?”    “Yes, that’s what I think.”

“But there’s still a chance they might have asked someone else to buy it.”

“Hmm, that’s true.”

“But at least, these items were probably sent from Japan to Thailand,” Daotok said, “Models like these break easily, they wouldn’t ship them frequently. Just once from Japan to Thailand would be enough.”

“Oh,” I nodded in understanding.

“If we can find out who sent models from Japan to Thailand in 2008, we might find the sender,” North said, “But how would we do that?”

“That’s the question.”

“Would there only be one person sending models?” Ter asked.

“Yeah, that’s the point.”

And then the four of us sat pondering for a while. In the end, we couldn’t figure out how to trace the sender. With just a little information from Daotok, we had to put the boxes back where they were.

   We continued talking about my situation while still playing cards, discussing family matters that all three of them said were hard to swallow because he’s still my father. And about Phii Fah…    “So, you like Phii Fah, right?” North asked. I nodded slightly, embarrassed when asked so directly; it made me feel quite shy.    “Coincidentally, you are friends with Phii Hill and Phii Jo too,”

Daotok said, “It must be fate.”    “Too coincidental,” I said.

“And what are you going to do? Is it good to continue like this?” Ter asked.

“It’s not good, it’s driving me crazy.”

“Hmm. We’ve noticed it too, Ter told me he felt something odd between you and Phii Fah,” North said.

“Do you think Phii Fah will be angry?”

“I don’t know, but he did contact me yesterday,” I said.

“And you, North, if someone told you that you’re annoying?”

“Fuck, if I’m annoying, they can get lost.”

“You need to calm down, man,” I said, laughing a little, “You guys are dating friends of Phii Fah, and my dad is even more suspicious of me.”

“Being suspicious for nothing.”

“Probably afraid I’ll approach Phii Fah.”

“Then just go approach him.”

“No way,” I shook my head gently at North, “If my dad finds out, he might really make me change schools, and he always accuses me of being a liar.”

“…”

“I don’t want to be what he accuses me of. I once lied to Phii Fah, and I’ve felt guilty about it until now.”

“Yeah, so what should you do?” North said, sounding exasperated, “I don’t know how to advise you. If someone asks me how to handle liking someone secretly, I’d just say go for it.”

“You’re the charge-forward type,” Ter told North, “There must be a way. You want to talk to Phii Fah, right?”

“Yeah, just want to talk, just a normal conversation. I just want to know how he’s doing.”

“It’s not that hard,” Daotok said in a calm tone.

“How?”

“You promised not to bother Tonfah, right?”

“Hmm.”

“Then you don’t have to let Tonfah know it’s you.”

“How?” North furrowed his brows, looking puzzled, “Have Phoon wear a mask to talk to Phii Fah?”

“North, you dimwit,” Ter said, “So what’s your plan, Dao?”

“Write a letter. Don’t you like writing letters?”    Oh…right.

   Write a letter…

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 12: Little Paper

   “So, are you going or not?”

(What?)

   “Fah, can you hear me?”

(What did you say, Hill?)

   “Are you going for dinner?”

(Uh, probably not.)

   “Why?”

(I’d rather not go.)

   “Because of Phoon?”

(Hmm, I won’t go, the kid will feel more at ease.)

   “You overthink.”

(No, it’s true, if I go, the kid won’t enjoy the meal.)

   “Sigh, just talk to each other once, it’s awkward for me.” (Do you even want to talk to me? You don’t even look at my face.)    “Fah.”

(What?)

   “Okay, I won’t ask anymore.”

(It’s okay.)

   “Every time we talk about Phoon, you act like this.”

(I’m okay, Hill.)

   “I’ll tell them you’re not available.”

(Thanks.)

  

…

Blue or black?

I stood looking at my shirts hanging in the wardrobe, unable to decide which color to wear. I’m not good at dressing, and I don’t have many clothes. I usually wear the same color tones repeatedly, not paying much attention to my attire, but…I’m going to see Phii Fah.    Maybe I’m too excited, Typhoon…it’s just a gathering with friends, not like Phii Fah will even look at me.

A year has passed, not like Phii Fah hasn’t tried to talk to me…he’s made attempts to start a conversation, it seems like he wants to greet me, but it’s me who has to avoid him.

Dad knows that my friend is dating Phii Fah’s friend. He called and scolded me, asking if I was messing with him. Of course, I wasn’t, but Dad was still angry, he didn’t believe me at all.

He called me a liar, probably afraid that I might tell Phii Fah that, in reality, he’s not the good man everyone says he is. Not the head of the family or the image he portrays to society; it’s just a facade.

He’s just afraid of the truth…but it’s still the truth. Even if I can’t say it.

After changing my clothes, I sat waiting for Ter and Phii Hill to pick me up. While sitting around in my room, my phone rang. At first, I thought it was Ter calling to say they had arrived, but the screen showed the name of the person I least wanted to talk to right now.

Dad…

It’s definitely not good if Dad is calling…

I tried to take a deep breath and compose myself before answering the call.    “Yes?”

(You have to transfer universities.)

   “What!…uh, what? Suddenly…”

(I’ve decided, since you didn’t pass the medical exam, there’s no need for you to stay there.)

   “How…how can you say that? Didn’t you say if Phoon doesn’t bother Phii Fah, I could stay here?” My brows furrowed unconsciously, and my heart started beating faster.

(How would I know if you’re not bothering him?)

   “Dad…I haven’t bothered Phii Fah at all.”

(Your friend is dating Tonfah’s friend. How can I believe that?)

   “What more do you want from Phoon? This is already killing me…”

(So you’ve learned to argue now?)

   “…No, not at all.”

(Transfer universities.)

   “Dad. No, please.”

(Go drop out.)

   “Where will I go then? There’s no home to return to, I will still have to live in a dorm anyway,” I said, feeling a tightness in my chest, “Or will you find a new dorm for me first? Which university will you want to apply to? If I don’t pass again, I’ll have to repeat the first year, you know.”

(…you)

   “You didn’t plan this out, did you? You just want Phoon to hurry up and get away from Phii Fah.”

(…)

   “Phoon wouldn’t say anything anyway, if Phoon was going to speak up, I would have done so a long time ago. I wouldn’t have kept my distance from Phii Fah like this.”

(…)

   “No matter what…Phoon won’t leave here…Phoon finally has friends.”

(You won’t say anything, will you?)

   “Yes.”

(Hmm.)

   Then Dad hung up, seemingly in a bad mood, just as I thought, he hadn’t planned anything beforehand. He just wanted me to stay away from Phii Fah as quickly as possible. I let out a heavy sigh out of exhaustion; it was more emotionally draining. I don’t like talking like this.

Uncle Kong said it was good that I seemed to be getting stronger, at least I dared to say something back to my dad. This I owe to North; he’s the kind of person who speaks his mind. He never keeps things he shouldn’t keep inside, says it straight, likes or dislikes, he tells it like it is. North made me feel that living life is easier than I thought, seeing the world as it is, everything has its ups and downs, it’s normal.    I have both good and bad things in my life, North said everyone is the same. No one only encounters good things all the time, and no one only faces bad things all the time either.

As for Ter, he’s like the sun…for me, Ter is cheerful, kind, always trying to help others, empathetic to everyone, sensitive yet strong at the same time.

There was a knock at the door. I went to check and saw it was Ter standing there waiting, so I opened the door immediately.

“Why didn’t you answer when I called?”

“Oh, really? Sorry, I must not have heard it.”

“Are you…okay?” Ter furrowed his brows as he looked at my face.

“I’m okay, why?”

“You looked like you were about to cry.”

“No way. I wasn’t going to cry,” I said, then rubbed my eyes, noticing there were a few tears.

“Ready? Let’s go and eat.”

“Hmm, ready,” I walked out of the room and locked the door, following Ter downstairs, “Ter…”

“Yeah?”

“I…didn’t pass the exam.”

“…You tried for medical school again?”

“Yes. Didn’t pass, so I just had a little argument with my dad.”

“…Want a hug?”

“No, I’m embarrassed in front of others.”

“Why be embarrassed, cat? Come here for a hug, believe me, you’ll feel better.”

“Funny.”

“Even North likes to hug me.”

“You’re messing around, Ter.”

“Really, come here, cat.”

“Can we hold hands first?”

“You’re so shy.”

“Phii Hill will kill me,” I said, shaking my head slightly. As I’ve said, Ter is someone who cares about those around him, sometimes making him overthink, but that’s a good thing. I reached out to hold Ter’s hand as we walked down the stairs.

“North told me…”

“What…”

“Sometimes, just being there is enough. I might not be able to help you with anything, but I’m not going anywhere, dude.”

“…Ter.”

“Oh, so touching. Don’t cry, cat,” Ter said jokingly, before reaching out to gently pat my head. It was touching, but I couldn’t cry because I was too shy.    “Thank you.”

“If you cry, I’ll tease you.”

“I haven’t teased you even when you cried,” I said, trying to hold back my tears before laughing when I looked at Ter’s face, “But why do you still call me ‘cat’?”

“Cat.”

“Enough.”

“Meow.”

“Sigh.”

I don’t know since when I’ve been teased as a cat, probably because I’m often sleepy when studying, due to not sleeping well, so I must look like a cat, but I still find it annoying to be called a cat.    I let go of Ter’s hand when we reached the ground floor and found

Phii Hill waiting by the car. I didn’t forget to wai to Phii Hill. Phii Hill and Phii Jo seem like hard people to approach, but since they started dating my friends, I think they’re kinder than I thought, except for Phii Jo who seems harsh when North isn’t around. Phii Arthit…we don’t talk much. As for Phii Fah…we haven’t talked at all.    I got into the back seat, then the luxury car moved off.

“I miss the old days.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, puzzled by what Ter said.

“Before, it was North sitting where you’re sitting now,” Ter said,

“Now he’s moved to ride with Phii Jo instead.”

“Oh,” I nodded in understanding. When they were still roommates, Ter and North went everywhere together. I liked it when they were roommates; I could visit their room often, but now both have moved in with their partners.

We stopped to pick up Foam as well. It didn’t take long for the car to stop in front of the restaurant, which was quite spacious and had a beautiful view. Just thinking about meeting the seniors, my heart started beating faster for some reason. I haven’t seen Phii Fah for several months because it was during the break, I wonder how it’ll be. He hasn’t updated on Instagram or on his Facebook about where he’s been or what he’s been doing.    I took a small breath to calm myself…

When we reached the table, I found there were indeed a lot of people. Phii Arthit, Phii Jo, and North were already there, along with three of North’s friends. I only knew their names: Duennao, Kyu, Skater, but I didn’t know them well. I didn’t see Phii Fah at all.    “You’re late,” Phii Jo said to Phii Hill, smiling as he returned our wai, to me, Ter, and Foam.

“We’re fast.”

“And Fah?” Phii Jo asked.

“He’s not free,” Phii Hill answered before sitting next to Phii Jo.

“Where did he go?”

“To get far away from you.”

“You’re annoying, Hill.”

“I don’t know, he’s just not free.”

“Okay. If he’s not free, then he’s not free,” Phii Jo said, not too bothered. I sat down next to Ter, on the end because I’m left-handed, so I wouldn’t get in anyone’s way.    If you line up the seating, it would be:

On that side: Phii Arthit, Phii Hill, Phii Jo, North, Skater

On my side: Me, Ter, Foam, Duennao, Kyu

“North, you’re sitting so far from me,” Ter remarked.

“Miss me?”

“No, it’s good you’re far away.”

“Alright, Ter, don’t come crying for me,” North said loudly so we, sitting far apart, could hear, “Wah, where did North go, Ter misses

North so much.”

“Pfft, whatever, North.”

“Phoon, haven’t you slept yet? It’s been since last semester.”    “Who wouldn’t sleep for a whole semester, North?” I retorted, shaking my head slightly in disgust. These guys always tell me to go to sleep, before they started ordering more food.

“Hey, did you invite Dao?” North asked after we had been chatting and eating for a while.

“I did,” Ter said, “But Dao isn’t free.”

“Ah, why not?”

“Work, I guess, the deadline is coming up.”

“Freelance work?” I turned to ask Ter since Daotok, our friend from the art club, does various freelance jobs.

“Yeah.”

We sat around talking casually; it was chaotic but fun. I talked with North’s friends too, their personalities were similar to North’s, especially the one named Duennao. I thought he was really cool. Phii Jo seemed to get along well with North’s friends, having fun conversations. I was sitting across from Phii Arthit, but we didn’t talk to each other.

“Hey, Dao is calling,” Ter said in surprise, lifting his phone and answering the call.

“What’s up?” Ter raised the camera for everyone to see, and indeed, Dao was video calling.

“What are you guys doing?” Daotok, wearing glasses and hugging a cushion on his lap, seemed to be working.

“We’re having a feast, we invited you but you didn’t come,” Ter said before I leaned into the camera.

“Cat!” Daotok is the one who calls me ‘cat’ the most, probably because he likes cats, “Haven’t seen you in a while.”    “Working?” I asked, still chewing my food.

“Yeah, I’m frustrated, can’t come up with any ideas.”

“What’s the project this time?”

“A book cover.”

“Drawing?”

“Yup, the brief was very broad, they want us to come up with something on our own,” Dao said, looking frustrated, “You guys seem lively.”

“Lots of people,” Ter said, turning the camera around. North waved at the camera.    “Who’s that?”

“Huh, where?”

“The one sitting opposite the cat.”

“Hmm? Oh, that’s Phii Arthit, why?” Ter raised his eyebrows in curiosity, “He’s a friend of Phii Hill and Phii Jo.”

“No, no, the woman behind him.”

“Huh?”

“The woman standing behind him.”

“…Just a moment,” both Ter and I stopped smiling, looking at

Daotok who said, “There’s no one there.”

“Just kidding, why do you two look so pale?” Dao said, letting out a laugh, making me and Ter look annoyed.

Why does Daotok always prank like this? He looks so serious, and we fall for it every time because of that serious look, but Dao is good at reading fortunes. North says he’s very accurate, and North believes in him wholeheartedly, unlike me who doesn’t pay much attention to these things.

   After finishing talking with Daotok, we continued to chat casually, but there was still no sign of Phii Fah.

   Is Phii Fah really not coming…

   Phii Hill said he wasn’t free, that’s what he said…

   Or maybe…because I’m here, Phii Fah didn’t want to come.

   I let out a small, unintentional sigh. Maybe it’s for the best. It would probably be too awkward anyway, and for Phii Fah…not seeing me might be better.

   “Oh, you said you weren’t free.”    Phii Jo’s voice made me look up.

Phii Fah…

   My heart skipped a beat when I saw that familiar face, my heart beating faster as the person I was waiting for approached.

Why does my heart beat so hard like this?

Is it because we haven’t seen each other in a long time?

No…it’s because it’s Phii Fah.

Because it’s Phii Fah…my heart always beats hard.

“I thought about it…I decided being free was better,” Phii Fah replied to Phii Jo, before stopping right in front of me. I quickly ducked my head down without realizing it.

“Being free is better, what does that mean?” Phii Arthit asked.

“Arthit, move over a bit.”

“You can sit on that side, there’s plenty of room.”

“You’re left-handed, it’s bothersome.”

“You’re left-handed.”

“But I can use my right hand,” Phii Fah said, “Arhit, move a bit.”    “What’s with you…okay, okay,” Phii Arthit said, sounding annoyed before moving.

Then Phii Fah…sat down opposite me.

“How are you?”

!!!

I slowly looked up when the voice from the person sitting opposite me fell silent.

   Phii Fah…was looking at me, lifting one hand to his chin, giving a slight smile, which was a smile that…

   Damn it…

   I haven’t seen it this close in almost a year.

   Does that mean he just greeted me…even though Phii Fah has never greeted me in front of friends, why…    “We haven’t seen each other in a while.”    Oh…

   I inadvertently bit my lip slightly, lowering my gaze, my heart starting to beat stronger and stronger, so strong that I felt scared, but I remained silent…not daring to respond.

   What should I do?

   How should I handle this…

   If I don’t respond, it would definitely seem strange…

   “…Yes.”

I answered quietly, so quietly that even I could barely hear it, not looking to see what expression the other was making. I could hear others talking, but Ter, who was sitting next to me, was silent. I guessed Ter must be starting to get suspicious, and others probably don’t even know that Phii Fah and I know each other, so this sudden greeting must look very strange.

“Phoon, want some shrimp?” Ter asked. I turned to look, why ask, he knew I liked shrimp, he always served me some, or maybe he saw I was too uncomfortable and decided to start a conversation.

“Oh, uh, give me some.”

“Okay,” Ter stood up and reached for some shrimp, but North slapped his hand away first.    “Don’t touch my shrimp.”

“North, you’re so stingy.”

“Order your own then.”

“Share a little, come on,” Ter pouted, “I’ve never been stingy with you.”

“You’re super stingy, Ter. You never share your chocolate with me.”    “So you steal it, right? You always steal my chocolate from the fridge, North, when we lived together,” Ter said with a sulky face, making me burst out laughing, “I don’t want to live with you anymore.”

“Over just a few pieces of chocolate, you’re making such a big deal?”

“Chocolate is a precious thing in my life.”

“You choose it then, Ter, so we’re done.”

“Yeah, let’s be done then.”

“I’ll tell everyone you broke up with me.”

“Yes, I broke up with you, North, go wherever you want.”    “You’re so bad, Ter, you can leave me, even though I love you so much.”

“But you stole my chocolate.”

“Listen up, Hill, just for stealing chocolate, you might get dumped,” Phii Jo said, making everyone at the table laugh even louder, including Phii Hill.

“Can’t I get a little share, brother?” Phii Hill said playfully, looking at Ter, who immediately looked confused. I laughed even harder, and North was laughing loudly too.

I glanced at Phii Fah, who was smiling slightly.

The atmosphere got a lot better, thank you, Ter…

Before a large plate of shrimp was placed in front of me. I reached out to grab one and started peeling it. While I was bending down to peel the shrimp, one that had already been peeled was placed on my plate.

“…Thank you,” I said softly, realizing that the person in front of me had peeled the shrimp for me.

Phii Fah didn’t say anything. He just picked up another shrimp and started peeling it. I placed the shrimp I had peeled on Phii Fah’s plate, and he looked slightly puzzled before smiling.

“Thank you.”

I found myself smiling without realizing it when I heard that. We didn’t talk after that, just peeling shrimp for each other, picking up things, refilling water glasses. I didn’t know what our actions meant.

   But it felt comforting, without needing to say anything…

   Having Phii Fah here…is really better.

   However, because of the promise I made with my dad, I felt even more uncomfortable. Dad thinks I’m a liar now, and if I break the promise, I really will become a liar.

   At first, I thought Phii Fah would talk to me more, but he didn’t at all, probably because I couldn’t hide my discomfort well. I’m not good at hiding my feelings. Not good at all.

   But the fact that Phii Fah greeted me first might mean…Phii Fah isn’t angry anymore, or maybe he’s less angry.

   If that’s the case, I want to say thank you…thank you for still bothering to greet me first.

   Actually, I…wanted to tell him something.

   “North.”

“Huh?”

“I didn’t pass the medical exam.”

What I said quieted the whole table. Ter looked slightly surprised that I suddenly spoke up. Since I couldn’t tell Phii Fah directly, I wanted to convey it this way.

“Uh…really?” North looked a bit confused before frowning with disappointment, “Hey, it’s okay, man.”

“Yeah, sorry.”

I apologized while still looking at North, but in reality, I wanted to apologize to Phii Fah. I wanted to apologize for not making it, even though Phii Fah had tried to tutor me. I’m sorry for disappointing him and wasting his time.

“Why are you apologizing to me?”

“I wanted to apologize.”

“Huh?”

“You might be disappointed.”

“No, what are you talking about, Phoon?”    North, oh…

   I’m sorry, you must be very confused.

   Both North and Foam tried to comfort me, which made me feel a bit better, before the whole table changed the conversation to something else. I looked down and continued eating, at least I had said it, hoping Phii Fah would understand.

   Suddenly, a piece of paper was placed beside my hand.

   It was written, “It’s okay.”

I looked at that piece of paper, then looked up at the person who wrote it, Phii Fah, who gave me a kind smile, making my heart feel tight with emotion. I pressed my lips together to hold back my feelings.

Thank you…

Really, thank you.

The dinner ended when it got late enough. I followed Ter out to the parking lot, seeing that the senior doctors were going to pay. I didn’t know how they were going to split the bill, but they told us to wait outside.

“See you later, bye,” DeuanNao waved goodbye. We waved back. I didn’t talk much with North’s friends, but I could tell they were all nice and friendly.

Until it was just me, North, Ter, and Foam left.

“Phoon,” Ter called my name softly. I thought I knew what I was going to be asked, “You…”

“I’m ready.”

“Huh?”

“I think I’m ready to tell you guys,” I said, holding the small piece of paper that Phii Fah had just written. The others looked at me intently,

“Can you listen to me?”

“Yeah, I’m super curious,” Foam said, which earned him a smack on the head from Ter.

“We’ve been waiting for you to say something.”

“Hmm, thanks.”

“How about tomorrow…we’ll come to see you,” North suggested.

“I’m not free tomorrow,” Foam said.

“Where are you going?” Ter asked.

“Got some errands. Then you can tell me later, okay? Don’t leave me out of the loop.”

“Hmm,” I nodded, “So, you guys will come to see me tomorrow?”

“Yes, you coming, Ter?”

“Sure, I’m free anyway.”

Not long after, the seniors walked out of the restaurant. My heart was still beating fast, so I avoided looking at Phii Fah before we split up to get into our cars.

I got into Phii Hill’s car, secretly glancing at Phii Fah who was standing there. It seemed like he was looking this way too. The luxury car moved off until I couldn’t see Phii Fah anymore. Then I turned back to sit normally.

When Phii Hill finished dropping off Foam and was about to drive me back to my dorm, I took out the folded piece of paper to look at it again. It was just a plain piece of paper with Phii Fah’s handwriting on it. Just the words “It’s okay” which seemed ordinary.

But it was very special…

When the car stopped in front of my dorm, I said goodbye to Ter and Phii Hill before getting out of the car.

“Phoon,” Phii Hill called out, making me pause for a moment, turning back to look at him in the car.

“Yes?”

“Don’t forget to thank Fah.”

“Why…why should I?”

“Oh…I forgot I wasn’t supposed to say that.”

“…”

“Never mind.”

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 11: Time Flies

   I looked around; the airport was quite crowded. Today was the day for the parents’ meeting at my faculty, and Aunt Nuan volunteered to come in place of my father. Of course, he wouldn’t come; the seniors said it was okay if parents couldn’t make it, the teachers and dean just wanted to discuss teaching methods and career paths after graduation.

But Aunt Nuan said she wanted to come…

The last time we met was when I went back home. Since returning here, I had to report in. I didn’t join the freshman activities because I wasn’t ready yet; I’d wait until the semester starts. Honestly, I’m quite worried, afraid I won’t fit in. What if my classmates don’t like me?    About the packages sent from home. I brought them back to my dorm. When I opened them up, they seemed like gifts. The first box was a robot model, the second a toy car, the third a notebook, and the last one was Lego.

Aunt Nuan couldn’t remember which box was sent in which year, but from what I could guess…if my assumptions are correct, these were birthday gifts sent to me over the years.

The Lego and toy car must have been from when I was in elementary school; kids at that age usually play with toys like these.    I’m not sure about the robot model; it could be a collector’s item but looks quite expensive, so probably from middle school when I had grown up enough to take care of valuable things.

As for the notebook…the box looks the newest. I’m sure it’s the most recent one.

Whoever sent these gifts each year thought carefully about the age of the child and what would be an appropriate gift.

I’ve considered the possibility that they might have been sent to the wrong house, but if that was the case, why would my mother throw them away? If you find out they were sent to the wrong house, you should return them, or if you can’t return them, you shouldn’t dispose of someone else’s belongings.

Aunt Nuan said she never saw anyone deliver them; she’s usually up before anyone else in the house and found the boxes already placed in front of the door. At first, she showed them to my parents, who discarded them. Some years, she managed to keep them secretly because it seemed suspicious.

Aunt Nuan was as puzzled as I was, but the reason she didn’t tell me before was simple…

Fan made Aunt Nuan promise not to tell me that I wasn’t my mother’s son. I only recently found out that I was born out of wedlock. If Aunt Nuan or Fan suddenly told me that gifts were sent every year on my birthday, that would definitely make me suspicious, and my father strictly forbade it.

I can say this because now I know everything…

Now, my head is filled with hope. Even though the recipient’s name isn’t mine, they’ve been sent every March, which is my birth month, and they seem like birthday gifts.    As for the recipient’s name…Ren.

It can be interpreted in many ways, but the simplest guess…it’s the name my mother gave me before my father changed it to Typhoon.    I used to wonder who my mother was, where she was, if she’s well, why she left me, why she didn’t love me, why she didn’t even give me a name.

I want all these things to have a reason beyond not loving me…my mother is another person I pray for happiness and health every day, no matter where she is in the world.

There’s no evidence that my guesses are correct.

Moreover…Aunt Nuan said it’s been two years since there were no gifts, meaning there might not be any more gifts sent. These things are like they come from nowhere, with no sender’s name, no return address. Nothing at all.

I think they weren’t sent through the postal service because, one, they were placed there early in the morning, the postal service’s operating hours are from about eight to four; two, the post office wouldn’t just leave it at the doorstep; three, without a sender’s name or address, it wouldn’t go through the postal system.

That means someone placed them there…

And how can I find out…there are no security cameras around there either.

But if what I guessed is true, it would be quite wonderful. I was a child who didn’t get many toys from my parents, unlike Fan who had toys all over her room. I used to feel jealous that I had no toys to show off to my friends at school, but in reality…maybe I did have some.

“Phoon.”

“Yes,” I quickly looked up at the person who stopped in front of me, Aunt Nuan in an outfit that looked rather unusual. I don’t often see her in something so formal.

“Do I look okay?”

“Yes, you look very beautiful.”

“Should we go then, what time is the meeting?”

“My faculty has scheduled it for around one in the afternoon,” I said, standing up, “Let’s go.”

“Okay, show me around Chiang Mai a bit.”

“I’m not very confident about the routes though.”

“Do you get lost often?”

“No, I’ve gotten better, Phii Fah…” I fell silent, realizing I had accidentally mentioned Phii Fah’s name, “Phii Fah…he took me around the city so often, I’ve started to remember some of the ways.”    “Oh…Tonfah,” Aunt Nuan said, as if just remembering, while we walked out to hail a ride, “He’s doing well, isn’t he?”    “Yes…from what I have seen, he seems to be doing well.”    “He must have grown even more handsome. When he was little, everyone was fond of him.”

“It looks like that’s still the case,” I said softly, “Aunt Nuan.” I called as we were now on a Songthaew heading back to the university.

“Hmm?”

“I…won’t be with Phii Fah anymore.”

I decided to tell Aunt Nuan everything. The other person, who listened to the whole story, looked saddened but not very surprised.

“I…am not that surprised.”

“…”

“He…no, not anymore. Now he’s not ‘he’ because he’s no longer employing me, Khun Rati…if I’m to be honest, he’s…quite selfish.”    “…Yes,” I nodded slowly. It might look bad to think of my father that way, but sometimes, it’s really hard not to think so.    “It must be a tough decision, deciding which way to go.”

“Yes, the toughest in my life.”

“But no matter what, you never turned your back on the family, I understand,” Aunt Nuan said in a gentle voice, reaching out to gently stroke my head, “Tonfah must understand too.”    “Will he understand, even though I was so cruel?”

“He understands. Even now, he understands.”

“…”

“I was with you kids since you were little, often helping to take care of you, Fah, when he came over to play. I think…someone like Fah isn’t the type to go around digging into other people’s affairs, no matter how curious he might be. He always respects and honors others’ decisions.”

“So…Aunt, you think Fah might not know what happened. The matter of Fan’s passing isn’t something that can be kept secret for long. Even if Tonfah knows, he still wouldn’t understand why I had to distance myself.”

“…That’s true, isn’t it?”

We got off the public transport and walked into my faculty area. I came here the other day, the day I had to report for registration. At that time, I left right after my business was done. I didn’t go to greet other students in my faculty, even though the seniors advised us to get to know each other.

“I can’t go in,” I said with a worried frown; the senior standing outside the meeting room said that students shouldn’t enter, only parents were allowed.

“It’s okay, I came prepared with paper to take notes,” Aunt Nuan said, raising her bag, “To find out how this faculty works, if it’s suitable for you, Phoon.”

“Thank you,” I said with a wide smile, watching her walk into the meeting room. I went out to sit on a bench outside.

Maybe Aunt Nuan was right…Phii Fah is the type who respects everyone’s decisions. He doesn’t interfere, doesn’t meddle too much, and always honors others.

   Phii Fah once told me, “I believe that every decision you make, you have thought it through well, and I will respect that decision.

It must have been the best decision at that time.”

   But I can’t remember what we were talking about then, which led Phii Fah to say that. It would be best if Phii Fah didn’t know more than what I want him to know because if he knew, certainly in my father’s eyes, I would be the one at fault.

I’m not hoping for Phii Fah to understand…but I hope that one day I’ll have a chance to go back, to apologize, to explain everything, and on that day…I hope Phii Fah will forgive me.

Forgive someone as cruel as me…

“Hello.”

“…”

I turned to see a guy walking up to greet me, I guessed he was also a freshman like me. He sat down on the bench next to me, with a friendly demeanor and a broad smile on his face.

“Waiting for your parents?”

“Oh, yes…you too?”

“Yeah…there aren’t many first-years around here.”

“They must be waiting somewhere else.”

“Then, should we go to the coffee shop to wait?”

“Oh…uh, sure.”

I stood up and followed the other guy, feeling somewhat dazed.    “What’s your name? I forgot to ask,” he turned to ask me with a cheerful expression.

“Typhoon.”

“Oh…I’m Ter, you can just call me Ter.”

“Hmm, nice to meet you.”

“Oh…uh.”

“What?” I asked, surprised when Ter suddenly paused.    “Nothing…just thought you would make a pun, like, hmm, nice to meet you, Ter.”

“…Do I have to do that?”

“No, no. I just met someone who did that, kept calling me just Ter for several days now.” Ter let out a small chuckle, making me raise my eyebrows in surprise as we walked into the faculty’s coffee shop.

He seems so cheerful…

“Really? People still make puns like that? And for several days too.”

“Yeah, it’s my roommate.”

“Living in the dorm?”

“No, outside dorm, but they assigned roommates randomly.”

“Oh.”

We sat and chatted, getting to know each other. It’s been a while since I’ve talked like this with someone. As I mentioned before, at my old school, once I distanced myself from the more mischievous friends, I was always teased by them.

Could Ter be…the one Phii Fah was talking about?

The one who said…I would definitely meet some good friends.    “Really? I like photography too,” Ter said, his eyes lighting up when we got to talking about hobbies, “But I’m not very good yet, I haven’t been practicing for long. How long has Phoon been into photography?”    “For many years now.”

“So you carry your camera around all the time?”

“Yes, it’s become a habit,” I said, lifting the camera that was slung around my neck.

“Wow, that’s cool. I haven’t reached the point where I carry my camera everywhere.”

“That way, you can capture anything you want to shoot immediately.”

“Can I see some of your photos?”

“Sure,” I handed him my camera. Ter took it and started looking through the photos. We had only been sitting for a few minutes, but he had already finished two cups of cocoa, “Do you like cocoa?”

“Yeah, I do. Do you like tea?”

“I like it,” I said, picking up my own cup of herbal tea to drink.

“I’m okay with tea.”

“Why’s that?”

“It’s not sweet.”

“Is not being sweet wrong?”

“It’s wrong. Sweet drinks should be sweet. Anyone who drinks things with less sugar should be sentenced.”

“But this is tea.”

“Tea should also be sweet.”

So, he just likes sweet things, doesn’t he…

“Phoon, you take beautiful photos, wow…” the other said with wide eyes, making me smile unintentionally. Why does Ter make me smile so easily? “Which lens did you use for this one?”

“Let me see.”

And then we talked about cameras with great enthusiasm. I’ve never had someone to talk about cameras like this with. It’s not often I get to have such fun conversations.

“Why did you choose to study veterinary medicine?” I asked.

“I just like animals.”

“Oh. I think you are like an animal too.”

“Are you joking or insulting?”

“No, I mean, Ter is like a hamster.”

“Funny.”

“No, I’m serious.”

“Then Phoon is like a cat.”

“A cat?”

“Yes, a cat.”

“I’m not like that,” I protested.

“Then I’m not like a hamster either.”

“Okay.”

“And why did you choose this faculty?”

“Hmm, well…I don’t know, I guess I just passed the exam,” I said, that’s really why I got in.

Then suddenly, there was a phone ringing. Ter picked up his phone and answered it.

“What’s up?”

(…)

   “I’m at the coffee shop near my faculty.”

(…)

   “I’m with a friend, come join us.”

(…)

   “Should I order something for you?”

(…)

   “Okay, hurry up.”

“My friend is coming,” he said after hanging up.

“Oh, should we leave then?”

“Hey, why leave? Let’s stay together.”

“But isn’t your friend coming?”

“It’s fine, does Phoon feel uncomfortable?”

“No, but won’t your friend feel uncomfortable?”

“No way.”

“Okay.”

We waited for about ten minutes before someone came into the shop holding bike keys, his hair slightly tousled, probably from riding a motorcycle. He looked around the shop before spotting Ter waving at him, and then walked over and sat next to Ter.

“Phoon, this is North, my roommate.”

“North, this is Typhoon, my friend.”

“Why do you use pronouns like that?” North asked before noticing the green tea Ter had ordered for him, “Did you order it less sweet for me?”

“No, it’s normally sweet.”

“Ter, I don’t like it too sweet.”

“That’s your problem.”

“But this is my cup.”

“But I ordered it.”

“Then you drink it.”

“North, don’t be so fussy.”

“I don’t want to get diabetes like you.”

“Why, one day you’ll get gout anyway.”

“I’ll never get gout,” North said with irritation before reaching for the green tea to drink, “Oh, I forgot, sorry. I’m North.”

“Spit.”

“What’s your problem, Ter?”

“Come here, you.”

“Should I tell your friend to go fuck himself?”

“Dare you?”

“How can I dare? I just met him. How would he see me?”    I couldn’t help but laugh at the nonsensical and energy-wasting argument between the two in front of me, but for some reason, I found it amusing.

“Ah, let’s start over. I’m North, just call me North.”

“North, the troublemaker.”

“Hey, why? North, Ter, Phoon, just call us by that.”

I laughed harder at North’s words, laughing so much my shoulders shook. It’s been a while since I laughed like this.

“Okay. I’m Phoon from the South, just call me Phoon.” “Okay, just Phoon,” North said.

“Sigh,” Ter let out a small sigh.

“What’s the problem, Ter?”

“Phoon, don’t listen to North, he’s nonsensical,” Ter sighed even heavier, “Oh, he studies electrical engineering.”

“Engineering?” I asked, turning to him. That didn’t seem too surprising. It seemed to fit him well.

“Yeah, and you’re studying veterinary medicine too?”    “Hmm,” I nodded.

“Where are you from?”

“Phuket.”

“Wow, say something in Southern Thai dialect for us.”

“Suddenly asking me to speak, I can’t do it,” I said, unable to keep from laughing.

“Ter is from Rayong,” North said, “Rayong, hi.”

“Stop teasing me.”

“And where is North from?” I asked.

“Lampang.”

“I’ve never been to Lampang, just passed through.”

“I’ve never been to Phuket either, just passed through.”

“Passed through where?”

“Yeah, where did you pass through?” I asked the same question Ter did, which made North pause.

“Oh, can’t you pass through Phuket?”

“No,” I said, “It’s at the end.”

“Why not, I’ll show you by passing through it,” North said with irritation, “After passing through, I’ll swim across the sea, you dumbass.”

“North, just accept it.”

“It should be possible.”

“Can you not argue about stuff like this?” Ter said, shaking his head slightly, “It’s pointless.”    “Looking for a fight?”

“No, Phoon, you agree, right? North, don’t steal my cocoa.”    “Give it here,” North grabbed the cocoa from Ter’s hand, sucking it through the straw until it was empty, “How’s that, cry now, Ter?”    “North, fuck you, I just ordered that,” Ter said, beginning to whine,

“You’re such a bastard, I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.”

“Why are we so fragile about the word ‘friend’?”

“Not yet, not ordering another one for you.”

“You’ve had enough, Ter.”

“No, send me another one, pay for me.”

I watched the two of them argue back and forth amusingly; Ter seemed like a cheerful, cute person. North, on the other hand, was funny and quite the troublemaker, utterly nonsensical.    I found out that the two of them are roommates who rent an apartment together, and North studies electrical engineering. I think someone like North is the kind of person anyone would want to be around. Just being with him for a short while made me feel a lot more at ease.

He’s so different from me.

We exchanged LINE IDs and phone numbers, and then parted ways after the meeting ended. I took Aunt Nuan back to the airport and then returned to my dorm.

Today was a really good day for me.

To…Torfan

   Today was the parent-teacher conference, and Aunt Nuan came in place of Dad, which made you very happy. Although I felt a bit apologetic, I’m truly grateful that Aunt Nuan came. She’s always been kind like this since we were kids, and she took good care of us, even now that Dad no longer employs her, she still cares about Phoon.

   I really feel grateful, from the bottom of my heart…

   Also, I have made some new friends. The first one is named Easter, who said I can just call him Ter, he’s very cute, cheerful all over, with chubby cheeks and big eyes, friendly manner, easy to talk to, kind-hearted, and we’re in the same faculty. It would be nice if we could be together.

   The other one is named North, who said I can just call him North too. He’s funny, with a laid-back, cool attitude, but you can feel his mischievousness even when he’s not doing anything. When he smiles, it’s really cute.

   I like these two a lot, but I don’t know if they like me. They might not like that I am quiet and don’t know what to talk about. But at least, me and Ter had a great time talking about cameras because Ter also likes photography. It would be nice if we could shoot photos together.

   The new semester is about to start, just a few days away. I hope there will be more good things happening, because there have been a lot of good things lately. However, the matter with Phii Fah still makes me feel bad like before; the more I think about it, the worse I feel. I don’t know how to fix it or how long this will go on.    If we happen to meet after the term starts, it would be terrible. I don’t know how to act, hoping we won’t meet often. I don’t want to keep ignoring Phii Fah; it feels awful.

   Anyway, good night.

   P.S. I wonder if sweet tea would be tasty, I guess I’ll have to try it because not having it sweet might get me executed!

   With love and good wishes always,

   From…Typhoon

   I folded the letter and tucked it into the drawer as I do every day.

Thinking of Fan reminded me that…it’s been about two years since Fan passed away, and the gift boxes that were sent every year stopped coming two years ago.

The same time frame…could there be any connection, or is it just a coincidence?

Since I met Ter, I’ve also gotten to know Foam, who is in the same faculty. We became closer faster than I thought, including North. I’ve visited North’s and Ter’s room a few times, everything seems to be getting better. After making friends, at least I have someone to talk to and laugh with, to go out with.

But many times, when I come back to my room and collapse onto my bed, exhausted, I think of Phii Fah. I keep wondering how he is, what he’s doing, if he’s eaten, the same old questions keep circling in my mind.

I talk to Aunt Nuan much more often now, at least before going to bed, when she asks how my day was. We don’t talk much because Aunt Nuan is busy too, she has her own children and grandchildren to look after. Just dropping by LINE to chat for a few minutes a day is enough.

That’s enough…

I’ve never asked for much anyway.

If…if Phii Fah was still here…

I wouldn’t ask for anything else, really.

The time before the semester started was the hardest for my heart, and what surprised me was, Ter…and Phii Hill, yes, the same Phii Hill who used to call Phii Fah, those two are dating…

I was surprised from the moment they met each other, but when I found out that Phii Hill was courting Ter, that made me even more surprised. Not surprised about the courting part…but surprised at how coincidental it might be.

The first time I met Phii Fah again was when Foam took me to see Ter at the Star Moon competition. That time, I met all of Phii Fah’s friends. Whether it was Phii Jo Han, Phii Hill, and Phii Arthit.    At that time, I didn’t even dare to look at Phii Fah’s face. I couldn’t stop my eyes from showing my sadness. I didn’t know what Phii Fah was thinking, if he was still angry. I’ll be honest, when I got lost with Foam, and Phii Fah volunteered to pick us up, I was happy.

But when I realized what I had done…I could no longer look at him.

It’s like we…never knew each other before.

Isn’t that right…wasn’t that what we wanted?

Even though my friend and Phii Fah’s friend are dating, it doesn’t make us meet often. Ter seems happier than ever. I’m genuinely glad that Phii Hill takes such good care of my friend; Ter deserves to be loved.

One semester has passed…and I’m still the same. Some days when I see Phii Fah, my heart aches indescribably, and I still go back to crying and writing letters like before.

I’ve met another friend named Daotok. North likes to tease him about why his name sounds like a girl’s, and Daotok sighs every time. Daotok is a friend from the drawing club, and I heard Phii Hill was going to bring everyone from his group to join too…luckily, the professors don’t allow medical students in the drawing club.    It’s quite uncomfortable when we meet, but still…sometimes I still want to see him.

Yes…no matter what, I still want to be with him…

I hear news about Phii Fah from what others say. If I ask Ter, I’d probably get more information, but I’m too scared to ask. I’m afraid Ter would feel bad about what happened, so I decided it’s better not to tell him.

It’s not a story worth telling…

Then something even more surprising happened…when Ter told me that Phii Jo is courting North.

It…you could call it coincidence, right…

I knew from the beginning when Phii Jo started talking to North because Ter told me, but I hardly ever met North. By the time we did meet, they were already dating.

At first, I was worried, very worried because there were rumors that Phii Jo was a playboy, but then I thought about it; that’s North we’re talking about, he’s smart. If Phii Jo were really a bad person, North wouldn’t have gotten involved from the start. Whether it’s Phii Hill’s couple or Phii Jo’s, it’s big news for the university because they are very popular, but Ter and North probably don’t realize it much.

So…thank you Phii Jo for taking good care of North.

As for Phii Fah…he’s got more admirers now since his two friends announced they were taken. There’s news that he even had to change clubs because of issues with the girls. I just quietly followed the news about Phii Fah.

Avoiding Phii Fah has become harder. I think it’s often obvious that I’m avoiding him, and Phii Fah himself seems like he doesn’t want to get involved with me anymore; he must really hate me now.

It still hurts…more than I thought it would.

Does it hurt this much…to be hated by someone you love?    Another thing that stresses me out is…the medical faculty’s entrance exam. I tried to study again to get into medical school, but I failed. It’s not easy to pass the medical faculty’s exam, especially since the results showed I didn’t make it. Of course, the first person to call and scold me was my father; he was very angry that I disappointed him.    Would Fan be disappointed in me too…I couldn’t make Fan’s dream come true.

I couldn’t become a doctor…

If I don’t pass, my options are to try for the medical exam next year, but to do that, I would need to drop out since you’re not allowed to study beyond the first year for medical school, or continue with veterinary medicine, or apply to another faculty where dropping out isn’t necessary. I still can’t decide right now. My friends don’t even know that I failed the medical exam.

And over the past year, I’ve still dreamt of Fan occasionally, but not very often, considering them good dreams.

A year has passed…

   It’s been a year that went by faster than I thought, studying hard, difficult exams, meeting friends, going out with friends, having fun together, participating in university activities, everything seems busy, which is good. At first, I thought it would be much more lonely, but being busy like this is better.

Ter and North both say that Phii Fah is very kind. I agree, and I think many people would agree too, he’s truly very kind.    Phii Fah is the type of guy…who anyone could fall in love with easily.

Before I knew it, the second semester was about to start. During my holiday, I visited Aunt Nuan, stayed with her for almost two weeks, and she was happy about it, saying she had someone to help look after her grandchildren. That’s when I realized I like kids.

As for the gift boxes…I’ve kept them, but I don’t know what to do with them next, there’s nothing to investigate, I can only let them be for now.

Suddenly, my phone notification sounded, and I saw it was Ter calling.    “Hello?”

(Phoon, are you free?)

   “Yeah, I just got back, what’s up?”

(Eat together)

   “Eat together? For what occasion?”

(To celebrate the start of the second year.)

   “Celebrate the start of the term? Is that okay?”

(Of course, I really want to eat.)

   “You just want to eat. Okay, okay, where, what time, who’s going?”

(I’ll come pick you up with Phii Hill, around five.)

   “Phii Hill is coming too?”

(Hmm, why?)

   “Nothing…then…”

(North and Phii Jo are going too.)

   “Oh…”

(You coming?)

   “Well…”

(Come on. We haven’t met in a while.)

   “I think next time would be better.”

(Phoon, please, come on, Foam is going too, North’s friends are going, lots of people, it’ll be fun.)

   “You…”

(I’m begging you.)

   “…”

(Phoon.)

   “Sigh, there will be a lot of people, right?”

(Lots, tons.)

   “Then we need a big table.”

(Yeah, it’s huge.)

   “Okay, I can go.”

(Great, Phoon, see you there.)

   “Okay.”

I let out a small sigh after hanging up.

   It’s okay…

   It might be a bit awkward if we meet.

   But…I still want to see him.

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 10: You’re Your Home

   Five meters…

Four meters…

Three…

Two…

One…

Half a meter from me…to someone standing outside, only a wooden door separates us. I reached out to touch the door handle, but I had to lower my hand.

I can’t…

I can’t open this door…

After the day I decided to leave, the same number, the only one that called me the most, kept calling repeatedly. He sent messages several times, asking if something was wrong, what was wrong, why I suddenly left without saying anything.

After that, those messages turned into questions like…where did you go, why aren’t you answering, are you mad at something, can you come see me?

   I didn’t open those messages, but I waited to read them from the notifications. Phii Fah didn’t just send messages to me; he also sent them to Fan. Of course, I didn’t open them on Fan’s phone either.

Two days have passed since then.

And now…

“Phoon, come out.”

“…”

“Phoon.”

“…”

“Can we talk? Please come out.”

“…”

“Please?”

The sound of knocking on the door and the familiar voice rang out intermittently. I stood in front of the door, just a step away from Phii Fah, but in reality, we were so far apart.

I can’t open this door…

I can’t…

Phii Fah…I am sorry.

I pressed my lips together tightly, letting the tears flow down again. I don’t know how long it’s been, but my tears won’t stop, not since I stepped out of your room that day.

As if I am the darkness that vanishes when the light of the sun shines, when you open your eyes, all you find is that the darkness has gone…

I haven’t eaten anything except for some snacks left in the room. I haven’t gone out, and I don’t want to. I’ve been in my room day and night with the guilt, the loneliness eating away at me, the despair, along with a heart that’s already shattered…

Because my room is at the very end. Looking out the window, I saw the sky getting darker with clouds.

The sky is about to cry…

Can you not cry today?

Because I’ve cried enough for both of us.

“Won’t you answer?”

“…”

“Do you hate me now?”

I covered my mouth with my hand and cried even harder, collapsing to the floor without strength, biting my lip hard. Not caring about any pain, to hold back my sobs.

No…

   No way…

   I could never hate you.

   Even if I die…

   Even if I were to die…

   I would still love you…

   “You are avoiding me, right?”

“…”

“I don’t know what I did wrong, or if there’s something about me that you don’t like. From the first time I met you here, I decided to take good care of you, to make up for the years we were apart.”

“…”

“Is it because I didn’t take good care of you, Phoon?”

“…”

Phii Fah

   Please don’t blame yourself…I beg you…beg you, please blame Phoon instead, Phoon is at fault, Phoon is the one who’s wrong, I beg you…Phii Fah hasn’t done anything wrong, Phoon doesn’t even deserve to be by your side.

   I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…

   My hands started to tense, I moved to grip my hair, pulling it without realizing.

   I deserve the pain. I deserve more pain than this…

   Soon, the rain started to fall, muffling the voice of the person on the other side.

   Go back.

   Phii Fah, please go back.

   Please…you shouldn’t be here.

   Please…go back, go back to where you belong.

   Don’t…waste your time on me anymore.

   “Go back.”

“Phoon…”

“How long will you bother me?”

“…”

“You can go back now.”

“…Phoon.”

“Please go back, I don’t want to say anything more.”

“Are you that angry at me? Can you tell me why you’re angry?”

“…”

“Can we talk for a bit…please?”

“I’m annoyed.”

“…”

“Don’t act like you care.”

“…”

“Please leave in front of my door.”

“…Yes, okay.”

“…”

“Okay, I will leave now.”

Before the voice from the other side of the door faded away…it was replaced by the sound of rain, louder than any other sound I was hearing at that moment, including my own quiet sobs.

   I don’t even have the strength to cry anymore…

   This is for the best.

   It’s for the best…

   Phii Fah is gone.

   Please…don’t get caught in the rain.

   “Travel…safely.”    One hour…

   Two hours…

   One day.

   One week.

   Two weeks…

   Time passes without you by my side anymore. Whether the sky is bright or gloomy, the sun still rises and sets the same every day. What I like to do is watch time pass, and everything remains unchanged.

   Except…there’s no you.

   Returning to a sky that’s out of reach once more.

   No, it’s always been a sky out of reach.

   I didn’t contact anyone after that day; each day passed with difficulty. I didn’t even want to talk to Uncle. I didn’t speak to Dad either, guessing he must be worried if I followed his orders, so he called many times.

   At least, I could go out and eat enough. Even if not for every meal, I could take care of the plants that started to wilt because I hadn’t watered them, and go out to take pictures of the sky like I used to do regularly. Some nights I couldn’t sleep, the nightmare was so cruel, that I would end up crying sometimes.

   But it passed…like it always does.

   As I said, it’s not good, but it’s not terrible either.

   I always try to make sure there’s at least one good thing in my day. Before, I would stop by to feed stray dogs near the school, help support the old lady at the fruit stand, help teachers carry things, small things that made me feel valuable. Just these little things were enough to make me want to keep living.

   It’s still like that these days. I buy food for the stray cats around the dorm every day, but I don’t know what else to do. Does planting trees count as a good deed? At least it helps produce oxygen. Maybe I can help someone breathe easier.

   Time has helped me feel a bit better. Although not much, I’m not crying myself to sleep like I did for the first three days after Phii Fah left.

   I’ve been following the university’s page, and I saw that the medical faculty is currently organizing a volunteer camp. It looks like Phii Fah and his friends are going too.

   Being able to watch from a distance like this, seeing that he’s doing well, that’s good enough.

   I’ve blocked Phii Fah’s LINE on both my phone and Fan’s. Of course, that was something my dad insisted on, the last thing I had to do.

   I walked back into my room after watering the plants, the same song has been playing on loop for almost an hour now. I don’t think it’s a sad song, but it makes me feel more lonely, and I like it. I don’t want to turn it off or change it.

   You’re the light, I’m the shadow on the wall when you sleep

   Everything that I need is right here with me    Come to me…

   All that I can say’s already said

   I come to you

   There is one word that I can’t forget

   “Goodbye

Good, goodbye”

Little time, not a moment wasted with you

I realized to stay, we had to break away

My phone rang, I looked at the screen to see it was Aunt Nuan, the housekeeper who’s taken care of me and Fan since we were kids.

“Yes?”

(Phoon, how are you?)

   “I’m fine, how are you, Aunt Nuan?”

(I’m fine, how is it there? Since you moved there, we haven’t talked much. Why don’t you call me sometimes?)

   “…I’m sorry, I’ve been quite busy.”

(It’s okay, are you getting used to the dorm yet?)

   “I’m starting to get used to it.”

(And where do you go to eat? Are there any restaurants around there?)

I talked with Aunt Nuan for a while. The other party asked about my well-being in a way Dad never did, which made me feel unexpectedly happy. I don’t often call Aunt Nuan because I don’t want to disturb her too much, especially since after my house was announced for sale, all the maids and housekeepers were let go. Even though we were close, we’re not family. I didn’t want to bother her.

(Will you come back to the house? I’m currently sorting through household items.)

   “I’ll probably come back. When is Dad going to sell the house?”

(He said he wants to sell it as soon as possible.)

   “Then Phoon will come back soon since the new semester is starting.”

(That’s good, let me know when you’re coming.)

   “Oh…are you going to the house today?”

(Yes.)

   “Then I will go today.”

(Right now?)

   “Yes.”

(Shall I pick you up at the airport?)

   “It’s okay.”

(Let me pick you up, how long before you arrive?)

   “Not long, I’ll call again once I’ve booked the ticket.”

(Okay.)

   I walked out of the crowded airport and saw Aunt Nuan standing there waiting, a sight that made me smile unintentionally. I walked up to her and hugged her immediately.

“Have you been waiting long?”

“Not too long.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s nothing.”

I followed the other person to an old pickup truck.

“The truck is pretty old, are you okay with it?”

“Yes, I had no problem at all,” I said, giving a slight smile as I climbed into the passenger seat. If possible, I wish my father or mother could be as kind as Aunt Nuan. Once that house is sold, we probably won’t see each other again.

Not only will the house full of my memories disappear, but the people in those memories will vanish too.

“Aunt Nuan, What will you do after the house is sold?”    “As for me, I’ll probably go back to live in my hometown. I won’t work anymore, I’m too old for that.”    “That’s good, you’ll get to rest.”

“Shall we stop by Fan’s place first?”

“Uh, if it’s not too much trouble, could you please stop by?” I said, and the truck turned into the temple’s parking lot. The two of us bought some flowers and went inside together.

I used to come here a lot before; if I told others that the cemetery was my favorite place, it would sound very strange, but what can I do…since the people I love are here.

“Aunt Nuan.”

“Yes?”

“Do you think it’s possible…that Fan might…still be here?”    “…Oh,” my words made the person walking beside me pause slightly, “I…don’t know.”

“…”

“Why do you ask?”

“No reason.”

“…Yes.”

After I placed the flowers in front of the picture, I wanted to stay a bit longer. Aunt Nuan said she would wait in the car, thinking I’d rather be alone with Fan. I sat down without worrying about getting dirty, glancing at the photo of my older sister.

“I’m back.”

I spoke softly with a slight smile.

“Do you miss me? I’m sorry for not bringing flowers every day like before. It must be lonely without anyone to talk to, right?”

“I get lonely there too.”

I often do this, just keep talking as if Fan is sitting there listening, because not many people come around here. For others, it might be scary, but not for me at all.

   “Fan, you said you read the letters. I am glad that you read them. Honestly, I don’t know if that’s really you or if it’s just me imagining it.”

“But thank you for being by my side.”

“If that’s really Fan, does it mean you haven’t gone anywhere?”    “…Are you still worried about you? Is it because I made it so you can’t go anywhere?”

“Oh, young man. Haven’t seen you in a while.” A greeting with a hoarse voice made me turn around. Uncle Yod is a volunteer who takes care of cleaning the temple; his house is right next to it. I immediately greeted him with a wai.

“Yes. I’ve started university.”

“Oh, right, I forget things sometimes. How’s it going?”    “It’s good, still getting used to it,” I smiled because I come here often, so I meet Uncle Yod frequently. He said that since he started cleaning here, he’s never seen anyone visit the cemetery as often as I do, “How about you, Uncle?”

“I’m just getting by. Nothing much,” he said as he sat down on the bench, looking tired. He’s quite old. The reason he still helps at the temple is that after coming back from odd jobs, he didn’t know what else to do, and his wife had left him with their child years ago.    The life stories Uncle Yod told me made me realize that sometimes life isn’t beautiful, but you have to keep living.

   Uncle Yod finds small joys from helping clean the temple, sweeping leaves, picking up trash, and taking care of the graves of many important people. It might not be much, but it’s enough for some people to keep living.

   It’s no different from what I do every day to keep myself going, to wait for another sunrise, then say goodbye to another sunset.

   “I have to go now.”

“Hmm. Good luck.”

“Thank you.”

I bowed in farewell, then walked back to Aunt Nuan who was standing by the truck, and we returned home together, to the familiar neighborhood, the roads, the houses, the people, almost nothing has changed, and it still feels heartbreaking every time I think about it.

If this house is sold…I won’t have a home to return to anymore.    The marble bench where we used to sit and play, the lawn, the pathways, the front steps, the wooden door, the walls where we used to scribble, the living room where we liked to hang out together, every place in this house is filled with memories.    Can’t it just not be sold, this house of ours…

I walked up the stairs and opened the door to Fan’s bedroom. It was heartbreaking to see everything gone, leaving just an empty room.    Because the owner of this room is gone…everything in this house has disappeared with her.

“What about Fan’s remaining belongings?”

“You can donate them, the ones that are still usable.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Fan would be happy to know her things could be useful to others,” I said, managing a slight smile.

“Phoon…”

“Yes?”

“…”

“Actually…” Aunt Nuan came closer to me, lowering her head and

speaking softly, “I don’t know if I should say this.”

“Fan, she knew from the start that you two didn’t share the same mother.”

!!

“…”

“Uh…did Fan know?” I asked in surprise, my heart beginning to beat irregularly, feeling a knot in my stomach.

“Yes. At that time, you, you, were probably asleep. I and Fan overheard the lady and your father arguing.”

“We were both really shocked. I thought Fan would be angry, but she smiled and said…”    “Said what?”

“Don’t tell Phoon.”

“…”

I clenched my lips tight to hold back the emotions welling up in my chest. I had once wondered if Fan would still love me the same if she knew I wasn’t their real child, but the truth is, Fan already knew everything, and yet…she still loved me the same.

   “And ever since Fan passed away, everything went downhill. I didn’t know what to do, I could only try to take good care of you, Phoon.”    “Yes…Aunt Nuan, you have always taken good care of me.”    “Phoon, you’re not the one who broke the family. Even Fan never thought that way, so don’t blame yourself.”

“…sniff”

“I’ve been worried all this time. I didn’t know how to comfort you because the only person you’ve always needed is your father. I’m sorry for saying this, but I’ve seen it since you were a child.”

“…Yes, sniff,” I bit my lip hard and let the tears flow down slowly, unable to stop them.    “I love you, Phoon.”

“…”

“It might not be the love you’re looking for, but I want you to know there’s someone who loves you.”

“…”

“It’s okay, no matter whose child you are. But I’m the one who changed your diapers, who made your milk, who took you to kindergarten, who taught you how to put on socks, who bandaged your scrapes when you fell, who held your hand to buy sweets.”

“…”

“Please don’t take it the wrong way, but you’re like one of my children.”    “…hiccup”

“Don’t just look for people who have turned their backs on you, to the point you forget about this old woman.”

“Aunt…” I hugged the person in front of me tightly and cried out loud without any shame, “Th-thank you, hiccup, thank you.”    “I love you Aunt, love you Aunt…thank you for taking care of me all this time, thank you.”

Aunt Nuan hugged me back, and her embrace grew even tighter.    Why…why hadn’t I ever thought about it? I was only looking for love from those who never loved me, ignoring everything else.    Aunt Nuan comforted me until I stopped crying, raising her hand to wipe away the tears all over my face.

“Thank you, really.”

“It’s alright, dear. I might not be able to help much, but you can talk to me about anything. If there’s anything I can help with, I want to help.”

I smiled, feeling an indescribable warmth in my heart.

“Just Aunt Nuan not abandoning me is enough.”    If there’s no rain…flowers won’t bloom.

   For this flower that has been amidst the rain all along,    It only needs a little light…to gradually bloom.

   We took a walk around the house for a while. I spent all my time trying to remember everything that had happened in this house once more, revisiting memories because I didn’t want any part to be lost, since this was where we lived together. As I’ve said before, it might not have been the warmest home, but it was our home.

   When I thought everything was in order, and I didn’t want to bother Aunt Nuan anymore, I was about to take my leave, but Aunt Nuan seemed to remember something.

   “Oh, right, I have something else to tell you.”

“What is it?”

I followed her to the storage room beside the house, because it holds not-so-good memories for me, and even now, it still does, making me feel uncomfortable being around here.

“No need to go in, just wait a moment, Aunt will get the things for you.”    “Okay.”

I watched Aunt Nuan disappear into the storage room and come out with four cardboard boxes in her hands, which she placed in front of me.

“These are things that Grandpa hid away without telling anyone because your father forbade it, but telling you now won’t be a problem.”

“What are they?” I raised my eyebrows in question.

“I don’t know either.”

“Oh…what?”

“But they’ve been sent every year since you were one, every

March.”

“Every year? March?”

“March is your birth month, isn’t it?”

!!

I widened my eyes in shock at what she said. What does it mean that these things were sent to the house every year around my birthday?

   “But…there are only four boxes.”

“Yes, many times the lady threw them away. These four boxes, I secretly kept them.” Aunt Nuan said with a face that was beginning to look worried, “But there’s no sender’s name and no return address.”

“…”

“But there is a recipient’s name.”

My hands started to shake, my heart beating so hard it felt like it would burst out; I couldn’t control my trembling. Slowly, I sat down and reached out to grab one of the boxes in front of me.

   Could it be…what I’m thinking?

   I picked up one of the boxes, turned it over to look for a name, and indeed found there was a recipient’s name written on it.

   It said…    To…Ren    Ren…?

 SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME 

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 9: Forever Rain

   I sat looking at the picture on the desk and couldn’t help but smile. It was a family photo from when I was six years old. I usually kept this picture hidden in a drawer. I’m not sure why…I just felt a strange tightness in my chest looking at it; there were smiles from my parents. Fan and I were wearing matching outfits, holding hands and smiling broadly at the camera.

Could this family have been warmer? If I were truly their child, huh, I shouldn’t have these thoughts, but it’s not all bad. We used to eat together, go on trips, talk, be parents and children, siblings, and a family.

Half of it was family…

After more than a week, and after I made a promise to Phii Fah, I asked why we needed a promise. Phii Fah said he makes all his students promise like this, many leave before finishing the tutoring because they get discouraged and don’t want to continue. He didn’t want me to be like that, and it wasn’t surprising since Phii Fah was still Phii Fah.

Nothing has changed between us, which I like, just being ordinary siblings, chatting sometimes, meeting for tutoring at a coffee shop, talking on the phone at night for tutoring, but not every night because Phii Fah has other students to tutor. It’s…a bit disappointing, but it’s okay. Nothing hurts more than having to part ways again.    It feels like counting down to loneliness again. I’ve started to hate mornings. No…I hate how time moves forward. I used to be someone who looked forward to the morning sun, because it meant another day of my life had passed.

But this is the first time I feel…I hate tomorrow.

I don’t want time to pass. I don’t want tomorrow to come, but I can’t do anything about it. I can’t stop time. I can’t change my father’s mind. I want to stay, but I can’t, there’s nothing I can do.

The simplicity of every day is about to change; there won’t be a man named Tonfah anymore, even though I was just getting used to it. If I have to be alone again, will it be as lonely as before or even more painful?

I love these calm, peaceful days, the simple happiness, starting with a morning message asking if he’s awake, asking how his sky is today, what he’s eating, the deep voice from the other end of the line explaining subjects to me patiently.

The person who always orders hot cocoa for me, the left-handed person who writes with his right hand because he says it’s less bothersome to others, the one who always thinks of others before himself. I’ve often wondered if he ever gets tired of looking after others, the person with a faint scent I can’t identify, but just being close to him is comforting.

How do you have that kind of smile, the one that always heals others, those warm, comforting eyes? Just looking at them makes my heart melt.

Whoever sent you to me, so we could meet, I want to thank them so much…and I want to apologize for not being able to keep you.    I walked out onto the balcony to find the sky darkening, the air getting cooler, and soon it would rain. They say the sky is always beautiful after the rain, but what if the rain never stops? It would become endless rain. Every time I look up, all I see are dark clouds.    I like that saying, the one about the sky being beautiful after the rain.

But I’m scared…I’m so scared that my rain will never stop.    “It’s a shame there’s no sun today,” I said to the plant I had planted, before moving the pot to a shaded area. When it rains, the raindrops won’t splash in; plants need water, but too much can make some rot and die.

I have so many plants on the balcony, almost spilling into the room. Phii Fah bought a lot of them for me, along with a cabinet for my cameras. Phii Fah said if there’s a special occasion, he’ll buy a camera as a gift.

If there is…one.

I really want there to be…I really do hope there is.

Oh…it’s starting to rain.

I stood on the balcony, not minding the raindrops that hit me, no matter how cold it was, I didn’t want to step away from here. I wanted to keep looking at the sky crying like this.

Because the sky cries in streams of rain…

I should take a photo…When I remembered, I quickly went inside to grab my camera and took a picture. It’s a pity that my sky today isn’t very bright, but you’ve cried for me already.    I…hardly have any tears left to shed.

My phone vibrated, notifying me that someone had sent a message.

Tf: I haven’t sent today’s sky yet.

   Tf: Sends photo

   Tf: The weather’s pretty bad today.

   Tf: Don’t get caught in the rain.

   Just these messages make me smile easily.

The person who looks at the sky with me, will he look up at the sky more often now? Will he notice how it changes every day, or just send it to me casually?

And will he know that he’s becoming someone’s precious sky?

-dust-: sends a photo

   -dust-: Yes, please don’t get caught in the rain too.

   Tf: Too late for that.

   Tf: I’m stuck in the rain.

   Tf: sends a photo

   It was a picture of a road with heavy rain, with what looked like a motorcycle parked beside it. Saying “stuck in the rain” means Phii Fah went out on his motorcycle and got caught in the rain, huh? The rain has gotten heavier.    -dust-: That’s bad 🙁 

   -dust-: Be careful not to get sick.

   Tf: It’s okay.

   Tf: Are you in your room?

   -dust-: Yes.

   :

-dust-: I haven’t gone out at all today, afraid of getting caught in the rain.

   Tf: Then it looks like I made a mistake.

   Tf: Should have stayed in the room like you.

   -dust-: Where are you stuck in the rain?

   Tf: sends a photo

   Tf: Actually, it’s not that far from your dorm.

   I furrowed my brows looking at the picture Phii Fah sent, trying to figure out where it was because he said it wasn’t far from my dorm.    I really want to go find him…at the very least, take a shirt or a towel, otherwise, he’ll definitely catch a cold.

-dust-: Wait there.

   Tf: Hmm?

   Tf: Are you coming?

   Tf: No need, what if you get lost?

   -dust-: I won’t get lost.

   -dust-: You did well.    -dust-: Sends sticker    Tf: No.

   Tf: If you come, I will get mad.

   I locked my phone screen, ignoring Phii Fah’s message. I didn’t want him to get mad, but I wanted to go to him even more.

Phii Fah used to come looking for me often, right? When I was caught in the rain…I also want to go find Phii Fah, want to do something for him before I lose the chance to do so again.    I hurried to grab an unused towel and a larger shirt, took an umbrella, and ran down from the dorm. I didn’t know how much help it would be, but at least Phii Fah would have someone to share the rain with.

Typhoon…

What a mess.

I shouldn’t have rushed out like this.

Where do I turn now…

I stood there, confused amidst the heavy rain, the umbrella I brought barely holding off the downpour, soaking my body entirely.    Why am I so foolish, Typhoon? Phii Fah has been waiting for nearly fifteen minutes now, and what’s worse is I forgot my phone. I thought I had put it in my trouser pocket, but I must have left it somewhere and forgot to bring it with me.

!!

While I was standing there confused, suddenly a hand was placed on my shoulder and pulled me around.

I was startled and quickly looked up to see who it was.

Who…

Wearing a helmet like that, who could tell?

The person in front of me lifted the helmet, revealing Phii Fah, who looked somewhat displeased. He was looking at me. I glanced and saw that he was completely soaked.

“Phoon.”

“…Yes?”

“What did I say?”

“Yes?”

“Saying I would be angry, right? If you come out.”

“…Uh, yes.”

“And where have you been? I called, but you didn’t answer.”    “I…got lost, and I forgot my phone, oh!” I was startled because suddenly Phii Fah grabbed my wrist, pulling me to follow him. I felt bad; Phii Fah seemed really angry. I was holding an umbrella in one hand, my arm wrapping a towel and a shirt around it, the other hand being dragged.

I couldn’t see clearly because of the curtain of rain in front of me, but as we got closer, I saw a black big bike parked there. Phii Fah let go of my hand and immediately got on the motorcycle.

“Get on quickly.”

“Yes…yes,” I quickly responded, folding the umbrella in my hand and climbing onto the big bike I had never ridden on before. Then, the person in front of me started the engine and drove off quickly, making me hold onto his waist.

Because of the heavy rain and the strong wind, I had to stay close behind Phii Fah, hoping the towel I had brought wouldn’t get too wet.    After just a short while, we stopped at a place where there was some shelter from the rain. Phii Fah quickly took me under cover. He took off his helmet, revealing his wet hair sticking to his face. Phii Fah gently rubbed his hair to shake off the water.

Oh…

Just now…it felt like my heart skipped a beat.

“You’re not too wet, are you?” Phii Fah asked with a worried tone, his face still showing some displeasure.

“No, here, a towel,” I quickly handed him the towel. Phii Fah took it and used it to dry my hair.

I stood there, dazed, letting him dry my hair, clenching my lips to hold back my emotions, but it didn’t seem to help much.

   My heart was beating strongly because of this man again.

   When he stopped, I took the towel away and looked up.

   Phii Fah…was really scary.

   I immediately looked down.

   “Why don’t you ever listen?”

“…”

“Didn’t I say I would be mad?”

“Yes…I…I’m sorry,” I clenched my lips, furrowing my brows with worry, feeling bad to the core. I had intended to bring the towel and shirt for Phii Fah, but I got lost, making him come look for me, getting even wetter than before…

“Sigh, forget it,” Phii Fah sighed slightly, leaning against the wall, “With rain this heavy, even with an umbrella, you’d still get wet. Why were you standing there like that?”

“I…didn’t know where to go.”

My words made Phii Fah raise his eyebrows, looking not too surprised.

“Yes, I expected this.”

“I’m sorry for causing trouble.”

“It’s okay,” Phii Fah said. I moved to stand beside him, leaning against the wall before Phii Fah reached out to gently pat my head, “If you had stayed in the dorm from the start, you wouldn’t have gotten wet.”

Oh…this is bad.

   Rubbing your hair like that…it’s not good.

   I slowly moved a little away, Phii Fah seemed surprised by my action before lowering his hand.

   “Phii Fah, do you want to dry your hair first?” I asked, offering the towel again, but Phii Fah shook his head in refusal, “Then, the shirt…can you change your shirt? If you stay in those wet clothes, you’ll definitely get sick.”

“Hmm? The shirt, can Phii Fah wear it?”

“Yes, you can,” I said, holding up the shirt. It was quite large. I was sure Phii Fah could wear it.

“Change here?”

“Uh…there’s no one around here.”

“No, that’s not it.” Phii Fah said with a slight smile, “Then, can I borrow the shirt?” He asked. I handed the shirt to him, and he took off his soaking wet shirt, quickly dried himself a bit with the towel, and put on the new shirt.

But I didn’t look directly, just caught a glimpse from the corner of my eye of what he was doing.

   I shouldn’t look…shouldn’t look at all.

   “Thank you,” Phii Fah said.

“Sure.”

It’s okay, I’m glad to help. Even if it makes things more troublesome for you…

   “Then like this, Phoon is stuck in the rain with me, huh?”    “Oh…right.” Because the umbrella was no longer useful, the rain was too heavy and the wind too strong.

But…I intended to get stuck in the rain with him.

“Phii Fah.”

“Yes?”

“…Nothing.” I felt like I wanted to say something to Phii Fah. I call him like this often, but in the end, I never know what to say, “Why did you come around here?”

“Just had some errands.”

“I just found out you ride a motorcycle too.”

“Is it strange?”

“No,” I said because Phii Fah seemed more suited to cars, but riding a big bike like this was cool too, “I had never been a passenger on a big bike.”    “Is it scary?”

“No,” I shook my head. Even though it was raining, riding with Phii

Fah wasn’t scary at all, “Getting caught in the rain like this is terrible.”

“Exactly.”

“But your friend was riding through the rain that day,” I said, thinking of Phii Fah’s friend who rode a big bike in the rain that day.    “Phii Fah doesn’t really like riding a motorcycle when it’s raining, especially when it’s as heavy as today.”

“Oh,” I nodded slightly, indicating I understood.

There was silence between us. No conversation amidst the sound of raindrops falling. We stood beside each other, but we didn’t talk. I wasn’t sure if I should say something or if this silence was better.

“Phii Fah.”

“Yes?”

“What if the rain never stops?”

“There’d be a flood,” he replied.

“…Yes,” I said, letting out a small chuckle, “If there’s a place where it rains all the time, would the people living there ever see a clear sky?”

“Why do they need to see a clear sky?”

“…Well,”

“Some people learn to find happiness in the rain.”

“Oh…”

Phii Fah’s words made me fall silent.

   Learning to find happiness in the rain…

   Myself…

   Learning…to be happy

   With the rain that will fall forever.

   “That’s right.”

I never thought before that I could smile amidst this painful rain, but as Phii Fah said…sometimes you have to learn to live with it when you can’t avoid it.

I can’t ask the rain to stop, I’ve always prayed for my sky to be clear, but it’s never been clear. I can’t do anything about it at all.

But I have to live with it…

“Phoon.”

“Yes?” I turned to look at the person who called my name.

“You’re smiling, did you realize?”

“Oh…no, did I smile without noticing?”

“Yes,” Phii Fah replied, his face adorned with a smile, “Do you know?”

“What?”

“That you look best with a smile.”

“…”

“Smile often, okay?”

“…Yes, thank you,” I said, bowing my head slightly, letting my heart beat faster, unable to help but smile, “I will smile often.”    “Good.” Because I had my head down, I couldn’t see what expression the other person had, but that deep voice made me feel warm as it always does.

Rain like this isn’t so bad after all…

   At least we’re together.

   We waited until the rain started to stop, then Phii Fah took me back to my dorm. We said a brief goodbye before Phii Fah left. I walked back to my room, and that night we had a LINE call to study together, which has become part of my daily routine. Phii Fah said goodnight to me, and I wished goodnight to him too.

   It might just be a casual thing to say. I don’t know if Phii Fah really meant for me to wish goodnightl or if it was just something he said, but it was important to me. I considered it like a bedtime prayer, and

I…

   Wanted to sleep well every night…

   I wrote a letter to Fan, as I always do. I don’t know since when my letters started having more drawings. I’m not very good at drawing. I can just manage.

   I drew a small cartoon of myself and Phii Fah standing together under the rain, colored with markers used for writing.    My letters are no longer stained with tears; instead, they are adorned with drawings.

   Even if they’re not beautifully drawn, they’re better than tear stains, right?

   I hoped to miss Fan every night, but it’s not possible. It’s a longing I can’t control, reminding me that Fan isn’t real, that she can’t be with me, and I can’t go to her.

   All I can do is pray…to meet her.

   It has become my bedtime prayer.

   I got up to turn off the lights in the room, leaving only the dim bedside lamp on. My fear of the dark hasn’t gotten better, but it’s not that bad. I’m used to it. I walked back to my bed and lay down.

   Today was another good day. Thank you…

   I hope tomorrow I can smile like I did today…Typhoon.

   “Phoon.”

“…”

“Phoon.”

“Ah…yes?”

“Lost in thought?”

“Oh. Just thinking about something pleasant, just a little.”    “Hmm, anything wrong?” The person sitting across from me raised an eyebrow, looking surprised, “It’s strange that you are treating me to a meal.”

“My dad transferred money to me today, so I wanted to treat you as thanks for the tutoring,” I said, forcing a smile.    “Oh, he transferred it at the end of the month, huh?”    “Yes,” I answered, nodding slightly before looking down to continue eating.

It’s the end of the month…

   What they say about time flying when you’re happy is true. I hardly realize how little time I have left because every day is just another ordinary, yet happy day for me.

   It’s about to end.

   Just…a few more hours.

   I talked to my dad. I talked, begged, pleaded in every way, but I couldn’t even delay the time. I couldn’t help but cry every time I called and tried to talk to him, and we ended up arguing. I didn’t want to argue; I didn’t want us to have to fight.

   There was a time when I thought I didn’t have to listen to him since he no longer cared about me, but then my eyes caught sight of the photo on the table.

   Our family photo…

   Fan is gone.

   Mom left me.

   I only have my dad…I can’t be without a father.

   No matter what…I still love and respect…

   As I’ve always thought, it might not have been the perfect family from the start, but it’s my family, the only one I have.

   I thought Phii Fah would be angry and not understand, but I…I’ve already done something I never wanted to do.    “I thought you would still be mad at me.”

“Uh, not at all. I’m not mad anymore.”

“Okay, that’s good, I won’t do it again.”

I distanced myself and put up walls. I pretended not to like many things Phii Fah did, like stroking my hair, holding my hand, or even something as silly as…

   I told Phii Fah that I didn’t like cocoa, to stop ordering it for me.

   At that time, Phii Fah…must have felt really bad.

   If I suddenly disappeared, Phii Fah would definitely be suspicious. Since Dad didn’t want Phii Fah to know, I had to make Phii Fah not suspicious by making our relationship worse, so lately, we’ve been uncomfortable around each other.

   Dad…told me to do this.

   So if one day I disappear…it won’t be so surprising.

   But believe me…I didn’t want to do this at all.

   I’m sorry…

   I didn’t dislike you stroking my head. I liked when you held my hand, liked the cocoa you ordered. I wasn’t angry when you were busy and missed an appointment. I wasn’t annoyed by the noise during our calls. I didn’t hate your scent. I liked how you made sure I ate. I liked how you wished goodnight every night. I liked how you cared. I loved every moment we spent together.

   I love you…

   “And do you want to go anywhere else?”

“…Oh.”

“…”

“Just a moment, let me take this call.”

“Oh…yes,” Phii Fah smiled and nodded slowly. I quickly got up from the table and answered the call.

“Yes, Uncle.”

(It’s the last day, how’s it going?)

   “…Bad,…yes.”

(Hmm, I understand. Rati…ah, what can I say. He won’t listen, as usual.)

   “Yes…that’s how Dad is.”

Because lately, as I’ve started to distance myself from Phii Fah, I’ve had to keep my emotions in check all the time. Many times, I’ve hurt Phii Fah’s feelings, making me feel an indescribable disgust towards myself. I’ve had to call Uncle constantly, and he’s tried to tell me that this is the best way for us.

(And how’s it going? Does Tonfah suspect anything?)

   “…Probably not…yes.”

(Good, it’s best if Tonfah understands that you don’t want to be around him anymore, so he won’t pursue further.)

   “…Uncle…”

(What?)

   “I don’t want…it to be like this.”

(It’s too late for that, Phoon, it’s already come this far.)

   “…Yes.”

(This is the best way, believe me. Last time, Tonfah called Rati too.)

   “Oh…really?”

(He asked if you were acting strange, if something was wrong.)

   “And what did Dad say?”

(He said…because you don’t like many things, you must be unhappy.)

   “…Oh.”

(So Rati said he feels a bit relieved because the two of you will soon be apart.)

   “…Yes.”

(Is the situation okay?)

   “It’s okay.”

(Good, then I’ll hang up.)

   “Yes.”

Then the person on the other end hung up. I let out a heavy sigh. The fact that I had to distance myself from Phii Fah was what Dad wanted; he didn’t want Phii Fah’s family to know I was his illegitimate child. I understood that it would look bad if everyone found out.

   I understand…

   I have to understand…

   I tried to hold back the tears that were about to fall again, my heart beating erratically, my hands starting to go numb. I spent about five minutes standing outside the shop before I could control myself, then walked back inside.

   “Phii Fah.”

“Yes?”

“Um…could you help me with chemistry tonight?”

“Oh, but I am not sure if I can make you understand,” Phii Fah seemed to force a smile, because I had once said I didn’t understand his teaching style, even though I really did understand, very well, but saying it had hurt Phii Fah’s feelings.    He put so much effort into teaching…

I clenched my lips tightly…accidentally digging my nails into my palm until it hurt.

“Yes. It’s okay.”

“Okay, shall we go back then?” Phii Fah started to get up. I quickly spoke before he could.

“…Can I go back with you?”

“But didn’t you say you didn’t like how Phii Fah drives?”

“…It’s okay, please, let’s go back together.”

“Sure.”

Before I paid for the food, we left the shop. As I walked behind Phii Fah, I reflected on what I had done.

   I hate myself.

   I hate this version of me who keeps hurting Phii Fah like this.    I said I would come to see Phii Fah…came all this way because I wanted to see him, wanted to be with him, but it turned out I was the one making everything worse. If I weren’t here…Phii Fah wouldn’t have to deal with this.

   Even if they’re just an acquaintance…if they do something like this, anyone would be upset.

   I’ve become the person who ruins everything…

   Everything is just wrong.

   You never do anything right, Typhoon, you’re just someone who hurts others, making everything worse. No one can be happy with you around.

   Why does it have to be like this all the time?

   Why are you still here, Typhoon?

   “Phoon.”

“…”

“Phoon.”

“…Yes?”

“You look pale, are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” I replied softly, but that was far from the truth.    Headache…such a headache, my migraine is back again. Lately, my migraines have been frequent. I went to the clinic and got some medication, but it doesn’t seem to help much.

   When I’m angry and frustrated because I can’t do anything, I blame myself even more. I look in the mirror and hate the reflection staring back. The harsh words I use to scold myself are because I hate myself for who I am.

   Damn it.

   I used to tell myself I could be happy amidst the rain.

   I can’t…

   Right now, I really can’t.

   I leaned my head against the car window, feeling utterly drained, the sharp pain rising continuously, like someone was squeezing my head. I couldn’t help but close my eyes. I didn’t bring my medication with me, but I couldn’t let Phii Fah know about the migraine.    Until I fell asleep like that…as if my body couldn’t take it anymore.    I drowsily woke up to find myself lying on Phii Fah’s bed…slowly propping myself up, I saw Phii Fah sitting at the desk with his back to me.

   When he heard me move, Phii Fah turned around immediately.

   “Up already? How do you feel?”

“I…fell asleep?”

“Yes, it seemed like you weren’t feeling well, you have a fever too.”

“Oh…that’s bad,” I said quietly to myself. Stressed out to the point of getting a fever…it doesn’t happen often, but at least the headache has subsided a bit.

“Want to get up and eat something, then take some medicine?”

“Yes.”

“I took the liberty to bring you here because your dorm needs a key and I didn’t want to go through your things.”

“Oh, okay. No problem,” I said, “Thank you,” but my thanks came out in a softer voice. I didn’t know why.

I followed Phii Fah out of the room, glancing at the desk, guessing he was studying, specifically on the chemistry chapter he was going to tutor me on.

   Phii Fah also had to prepare to tutor me, but I, in turn…

   Oh…damn, my headache is coming back.

   I went out to eat the congee Phii Fah had prepared and took the medicine. Initially, Phii Fah said he would wait to see if I was up for studying, but it turned out I probably wasn’t, so he suggested canceling the tutoring session for the day.

   “It’s okay, let’s study.”

“It’s better to rest, don’t force it.”

“No, let’s study.”

“Phoon…” Phii Fah furrowed his brows at me, not understanding. Indeed…Phii Fah wouldn’t know that there wouldn’t be moments like this again.

“Please, I want to study.”

“Sigh, alright then,” the other person let out a small sigh. After I finished eating and taking my medicine, Phii Fah placed books on the table in front of the sofa, and then he tutored me in chemistry as he always does. I listened intently as usual, but what I did more than normally was try to remember the voice and scent of the person beside me.

Remember it for as long as possible…

“Is this explanation okay?”

“Oh…yes, it’s okay.”

“Okay, then let’s continue.”

I nodded. We spent nearly two hours on the sofa tutoring. When Phii Fah said that was enough for today, we usually study about this much.

Then Phii Fah told me to go to bed so I could get better quickly.

   It’s already 9 PM, huh…

   Time flies so fast.

   Tomorrow, when the new morning comes…everything will change.

   “Should I take you back to your room?”

“It’s fine, can I sleep here?”

“Of course, do you want to sleep on the bed?”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll sleep on the sofa.”

“Okay, then goodnight.”

“goodnight.”

I said “goodnight”…before glancing at Phii Fah as he walked into his bedroom. I was left alone on the sofa, and silence settled in.    I leaned back against the sofa, exhausted, taking out my phone to take some presumptuous photos of the room, the corner of the sofa where we used to hang out together. Watching TV, sipping coffee, and chatting, the hanging chair by the window which was always my favorite spot when visiting Phii Fah’s room, the kitchen corner where we once cooked together, the book corner which I guessed must be Phii Fah’s favorite, filled with academic books, knowledge books, all of which had been read many times.

   The sky visible from the balcony, the view where you see the sky with the hyacinth plant we bought together, the hyacinth I chose, still well cared for.

   I won’t be coming to this room again. Won’t see him sitting here, at that desk where Phii Fah usually studies. I often snuck glances, you know. When he’s focused on something, it’s really charming.    I walked over to sit on the hanging chair, staring out the window, only to find there wasn’t a single star in the sky tonight, just an empty expanse.

   Sky…are you lonely?

   Even on some nights without stars, don’t be sad. The stars haven’t gone anywhere; they’re always beside you, even if you can’t see them, stars who want to shine by your side.

   But I’m just an unlucky star without light, waiting only for reflected light, still waiting, and will always wait…to be by your side, even if you can’t see me.

   Not the beautiful moon. Not the warm sun, just a small, unlucky star, waiting for the day it fades away into mere dust.    But no matter where in the universe, no matter how much time passes, no matter what happens from now on,    If you look back…

   You’ll find…I haven’t gone anywhere.

   I wiped away the tears that had quietly fallen, noticing it was nearly midnight. I lost track of time because I was so lost in thought.

   I won’t be able to sleep.

   I don’t even know if I’ll be able to sleep again from now on.

   Will I return to a cruel nightmare?

   But I hope it remains a kind dream…that’s enough.    Something compelled me to walk to Phii Fah’s bedroom door, slowly opening it to find the room engulfed in darkness. Phii Fah must be asleep.

   I closed the door gently, stepping into the room where only the sound of the air conditioner was heard. The room was cool, and the person on the bed was fast asleep. I carefully moved closer, trying not to make any noise.

   It took a while until my eyes adjusted to the darkness. I’m afraid of the dark. Even now, my hands were slightly trembling, but knowing Phii Fah was here made me feel less scared.

   I sat down on the floor beside the bed, watching the other person who was sound asleep, breathing steadily. I don’t often see Phii Fah sleeping, and this is the first time I’ve looked so closely.

   As if I was spellbound by the sight in front of me. I didn’t want to look away…

   This is the first time I’ve watched over Phii Fah while he sleeps…

   Let me keep this image…

   Even though my body was signaling that it couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to rest, but I didn’t want to sleep right now. I wanted to sit like this forever; it might not be the best thing to do, but believe me…if there won’t be another chance to look at him like this. Anyone would want to stay like this for as long as possible.

   I put my arm on the bed, rested my chin on it, and gazed at the person in front of me, gently brushing aside the hair that covered his face, adjusting the blanket because I was afraid he might get cold. I caught a faint scent from the bed’s owner, a scent that made me feel most at ease, yet I had said I didn’t like it.

   I’m sorry…

   I let time pass without caring how long it was. I do this often…sitting lost in thought until morning, because I often can’t sleep, lost in thoughts about all the things that have happened between us, from childhood, from when we were apart, from when we met again, and now, when we must part again.

   I don’t know what will happen next, how sad Phii Fah will be, but I myself am about to fall apart. I don’t know when I’ll have the chance to come back, a year, two years, or maybe ten years, or perhaps there will be no chance. I have no idea…

   Whether you’re awake, when you go to bed, what you’ll eat, if you’re okay, how your sky is that day. I will never know again.

   But believe me…I will eat on time, eat a lot, just like you always told me. We will try to be happy amidst the rain, be stronger because you won’t be here anymore.

   And if one day I become strong enough…I want to come back to you.

   Because every moment spent with you…was so happy.

   I don’t want to leave…I never wanted to leave you.

   Before I knew it, the morning light had arrived. I let the tears flow, slowly reaching out to gently take the hand of the person in front of me, softly pressing my lips to the back of his hand, with all the feelings that were overflowing inside me.

   I love you.

   I love you…

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 8: Promise

   “You woke up early,” I turned to the voice, Phii Fah had just woken up and walked out of the bedroom, looking slightly surprised to see me up before him. He was now standing by the kitchen counter, making coffee.

“Good morning,” I smiled, “Would you like some coffee? I will take the liberty to use the coffee machine,” I said, pointing at the coffee machine I had just turned on. I don’t make coffee often because I don’t need to drink it, but I thought it might be nice to try making coffee on such a morning.

“Good morning,” Phii Fah smiled back, then sat down on the sofa,

“Make one for me too, please.”

“Okay,” I nodded in agreement and turned to make another cup of coffee. Glancing at the clock, I saw it was around half past six. Even though it was a holiday, Phii Fah woke up very early, “Do you usually wake up this early?”

“Yes, I woke up early today too.”

“Just a little bit.”

Actually, I hadn’t gone back to sleep at all. I couldn’t sleep after waking up in the middle of the night. There was no way I could sleep after a dream like that. I spent almost the entire night until morning looking up how I could dream like that again.

“You seem to be in a good mood.”

“…Really?” I furrowed my brows slightly at his comment even though my back was turned to him. Did I really seem that much happier, or was it because Phii Fah was too good at reading people?

“Maybe because I had a good night’s sleep.”

“Hmm…that’s good then.”

I carried the freshly brewed coffee over to the table in front of the sofa, placed it down, then sat on the smaller sofa, taking a sip of my own coffee.

“What was the dream about? Can you tell me?” Phii Fah asked again, lifting the cup of coffee I had just set down, “You make good coffee, by the way.”

“Thank you,” I smiled in response. I must have been in a good mood like Phii Fah said; today felt brighter than any day in the past few years, “As for how I miss Fan…I can’t really explain it.”

“That’s too bad, I was curious.”

“I can only say that the dream was good,” I said, looking at the person sitting next to me before quickly averting my gaze when he turned to look, catching me sneaking a glance. It seemed like he was smiling a little.

Today, Phii Fah seems to be in a good mood too.

   I don’t know, he just looks a bit different from usual.

   “Have you looked up information about the dorms yet?”    “Oh…I found it,” I said, pulling out my phone to show him. I had screenshotted information on several dorms I was interested in, “Here,” handing it over for him to see. Phii Fah took it and began to scroll through.

“How about we go check them out today?”

“Don’t you have to go to your friend’s birthday party?”

“That’s in the evening.”

“…Okay, then I’ll trouble you a bit,” I said, and Phii Fah nodded slightly. After finishing his coffee, he placed the cup in the sink and excused himself to take a shower. I waited on the sofa.

From what I’ve learned about dreams, I think we dream about what we think about a lot. Like how I blame myself for Fan getting hit by a car, obsessing over it, which makes me dream about it often, including issues with my parents. But if we’re at peace and not overthinking, we tend not to have bad dreams.

   So, if I want to dream about Fan again, I need to make myself feel at ease and not overthink, which I’ve been trying to do all this time but haven’t succeeded. I think feeling at ease comes from being with Phii Fah.

   Yes…since I’ve been staying with Phii Fah, I’ve barely had any bad dreams. If I do have bad dreams, it’s probably when I’m scared that Phii Fah will learn the truth. But now that things have turned out this way, whether Phii Fah learns the truth or not, I’ll lose him anyway because I have no other choice left.

   I took out my phone when I heard it ringing, seeing that Uncle Kong was calling. What could it be? Why call so early in the morning?

   “Yes?”

(Sorry for calling so early, I was worried.)

   “What…what’s wrong?”

(I heard you had a fight with Rati?)

   “Uh…yes, yesterday I…got a bit angry.”

(That’s okay, are you alright?)

   “Yes, I’m okay now, how is Dad?”

(He’s angry, but I’ve scolded him quite a bit too.)

   “What did you scold him about?”

(The same old thing, that he should pay more attention to you, after all, you are his son.)

   “…It’s okay, Uncle. Anyway…nothing will get better.”    (Sigh, it’s good that you are okay. Oh, I’ve transferred the money.)

   “Yes, thank you.”

(The money for this month will be a bit less, Rati said he has a lot of expenses.)    “Okay.”

(That’s all then.)

   “Okay.”

Then the other party hung up. When Uncle said Dad had many expenses, it must have been about Dad’s daughter. Little kids are so expensive. I’m fine, it’ll help save some money for Dad too, older siblings have to make sacrifices for the younger ones, right?    Even if we’ve never met, she’s still my little sister. Just seeing her picture makes me feel a fondness I can’t describe.

   After a while, Phii Fah came out of the bathroom. We went outside, stopped for a meal, and headed to look at the dorms I had researched.

   “Would you like to use a motorcycle?” Phii Fah asked.

“Uh…no.”

“Hmm, then getting around will be a bit difficult.”

“Yes, it’s just that I…don’t really know how to ride a motorcycle.”    “…Really?” Phii Fah turned to me, almost not believing what I said, which made me look at him with a wry face.

“Yes. It’s not that I can’t at all, but I’m not very good at it. Fan wouldn’t let me ride either, saying it’s dangerous, not to mention I tend to get lost,” I said, thinking back to how Fan was so worried she wouldn’t even let me drive, not just because of the risk of accidents but also because she said there was a risk of getting lost and not being able to get home.

“How about I teach you to drive?”

“Drive?”

“Yes. Even if you don’t use a motorcycle, at least you should know how to ride one.”

“That’s true,” I nodded in agreement.

“And about getting lost, you think we need to solve this problem.”    “…” I was slightly surprised to notice that the other person’s voice had turned more serious.

“Even if it’s been like this since childhood, I think it can be fixed, right? If it’s like this, daily life will be difficult. If you get lost, I probably won’t be able to find you like before.”

“Uh…yes,” I gave a dry smile to the other person, feeling an indescribable emptiness inside.

Phii Fah drove me to look at the dorms I had found, and after checking out three places, we found one that I liked. Although the room wasn’t very spacious, it was big enough for one person, and everything else was good. I decided to move into this dorm.    “Can I move in today?” Phii Fah turned to ask the landlady who was showing us the room.

“Yes, just pay the deposit first, and you can move in.”    “Is it okay then?” Phii Fah turned to ask me again. I nodded in response, “Yes, can we sign the rental agreement now?”

“Yes, let’s go down to the office downstairs.”

After I signed the rental agreement, the landlady said I needed to pay the deposit first, but then I realized my father hadn’t transferred this amount to me yet. The money he had just transferred wouldn’t cover the new deposit.

“Six thousand.”

“Uh…” I was stunned for a moment. What should I do? Should I tell the landlady I’ll pay another day?

“Here.”

I turned to look in surprise at the person who had just handed over six thousand baht in cash to the landlady. Why would Phii Fah pay the deposit for me?

   “Uncle asked me to give it to you.”

“…Really?”

“Yes,” Phii Fah said with a slight smile, which made me not dare to ask further. It was strange, why would my father give the money to Phii Fah? Actually, it was strange that my father allowed me to move dorms in the first place; he had said there were a lot of expenses right now, having already paid a hefty deposit for the old dorm without getting it back, and now there’s another deposit for the new one.    Or maybe…

I unwittingly furrowed my brows, looking at the person sitting beside me with a troubled expression.

Phii Fah…

“Is there something wrong?” Phii Fah raised his eyebrows to ask. I shook my head gently because I didn’t dare to say anything.

Why…

If Dad didn’t initially agree to move dorms, but Phii Fah was the one who told me to move, why did he do that? Was it because he was worried? And now, he has to pay another six thousand baht for the new dorm.

Is this…too kind? No, it’s really too kind.

But maybe it’s not like that. I should probably ask my dad first.    “We still have plenty of time, shall we move your stuff today?”    “Today?” I raised my eyebrows in surprise.

“Yes.”

“…Okay.”

Then Phii Fah called a moving company to help transfer my things from the old dorm to the new one. It only took one trip because I didn’t have much stuff; actually, I had a lot but had thrown most of it away. Within an hour or so, everything was moved here.    “No…you don’t have to help, let me organize things myself,” I

quickly said to stop Phii Fah when I saw him taking things out of the cardboard boxes.

“It’s okay, there’s not much, it’ll be done soon.”

“But don’t you have to go to your friend’s birthday party soon?”

“It’s okay to be a little late.”

“Oh…thank you.”

“You have a lot of cameras,” Phii Fah remarked when he saw my collection of cameras. Indeed, I had collected them over many years,

“You should probably get a special cabinet for them.”

“I’ve thought about it, but I never got around to buying one.”

“How about we go buy one later?”

“…Okay,” I agreed, feeling overwhelmed by his kindness; he was going to take me everywhere. Since I was organizing with my back turned, I didn’t know what Phii Fah was doing.

“I still think the same, you know.”

“Yes, what is it?”

“I think you would be better suited to study photography.”

“Uh…”

“I’m not trying to interfere with your decisions. I just think that’s all,” I turned to look at Phii Fah who was arranging camera equipment for me.

“You’re not interfering,” I said softly.

Phii Fah was right. I wanted to study photography more, but it’s fine, I can learn on my own. For now, there are other priorities.

   “Phii Fah.”

“Yes?”

“I want to…take the entrance exam for medicine.”

“…Really?”

“Yes, can you help tutor me?”

“Sure, I can.”

“Then, please help me.”

“Okay,” Phii Fah nodded slightly. Tutoring wasn’t anything unusual; he must have tutored many others before. But for me, it would be great. Besides getting help from Phii Fah, I’d also get to talk to him more often, especially after moving to the new dorm, I wouldn’t be staying over at Phii Fah’s place anymore.

“Then, Phii Fah will leave now.”

“Yes, drive safely.”

“See you.”

“Yes, see you.”

I watched Phii Fah leave my new room. In truth, I wanted to ask him to send a message when he got there, not to come back late, not to drink too much, but I couldn’t. I walked back into the room to continue arranging my things.

   This room isn’t bad at all. It looks better than the old one; I hadn’t even gotten used to the old room before I had to move again.

   Oh…right, I should call Dad.

   I hesitated for a long time before I could bring myself to make the call, hoping I wouldn’t be bothering him.

   “Are you free?”

(Free, what do you want?)

   “I want to apologize for yelling.”

(Hmm. It’s okay.)

   “And about moving dorms…”

(…)

   “Did you send money to Phii Fah?”

(Hmm, yes. I sent it myself, afraid if I gave it to you, you might lose it.)

   “Oh…thank you.”

(Is there anything else?)

   “No, that’s all.”

(Hmm.)

   Then Dad hung up. This was our normal conversation, with no questions like “Have you eaten?” or “How was your day?”, just business matters. Dad always talks to me coldly like this and quickly hangs up.

   So…he really is my dad, huh?

   Damn, how could I be so biased towards myself? But anyway, I’m glad that Dad agreed to let me move dorms, and agreed to pay even though there are money problems right now.

   I don’t know how…but I’m happy. Thank you for still caring about me a bit.    “Yes, Uncle.”

(Tonfah, I’ve already told Phoon.)

   “Oh, did Phoon really ask?”

(Yes, why did you have to do it this way?)

   “It’s better that Phoon doesn’t know it was me.”

(I told him not to make you move dorms, but if Tonfah wants you to move that badly, you can tell me.)

   “It’s okay.”

(If he gets too clingy and bothers you, just let me know.)

   “No, it’s fine.”

(Hmm, then I’ll hang up.)

   “…”

   -dust-: Please let me know when you arrive.

Because of concern, I decided to send a message to ask. After Phii Fah had left for about fifteen minutes, it took almost half an hour before my message showed as read.

Tf: Arrived.

   Tf: Anything wrong?

   -dust-: Took you long enough.

   -dust-: Is the shop far?

   Tf: No, but there was traffic.

   Tf: Why?

   Tf: Something wrong?

   -dust-: Oh, no, nothing.

   -dust-: Just asking.

   That’s it.

Phii Fah’s response left me at a loss for words, as if my wanting to chat seemed strange, so he asked “Anything wrong?” twice. I didn’t have anything specific; I just wanted to talk, was worried, and wanted to know if he had arrived.

Tf: Is everything okay at the dorm?

   -dust-: Okay, why?

   Tf: No, just thought something might have happened, that’s why Phoon messaged Phii Fah.

   Tf: Phii Fah must be worrying too much.

   Tf: Sends sticker

   I secretly smiled at the sticker that looked relieved.

Cute.

Very cute.

-dust-: Sends sticker

   Tf: That sticker is cute, lol.

   Tf: I’ll go see my friend soon.

   -dust-: Have fun.

   Tf: sends a sticker

   I smiled broadly looking at my phone screen again. This is all I needed. I glanced around the room where some things were still not fully organized, then hurried to continue arranging them. I didn’t forget to neatly arrange my desk area, putting up Fan’s picture like before. Once everything was sorted, I went out to the balcony.    Now I can look at the sky from a new angle, and speaking of which, the sky today is quite bright. Although I don’t often notice it because I’ve been spending the whole day with Phii Fah.

I sat back on the bed because I had nothing to do, and being tired from moving today, I drifted off to sleep without realizing it.    I looked at the scene in front of me, my heart beating irregularly, both legs feeling stiff, almost unable to move.

Fan…

Just like last time, she was at the marble bench in front of the house. I looked down to see I was wearing the same clothes as before, Torfan sitting across from me. On the table, there were small stones laid out for playing a game of checkers.

“…”

I pressed my lips together, feeling a tightness in my chest, looking at the sweet smile of the person sitting there, her eyes full of brightness, reminding me of all the longing I had, and this time I also felt that the loneliness, the pain, and the longing were being filled.

“Come sit down.”

   “…”

   I slowly walked closer, sitting down opposite her like before, but this time, I didn’t feel like crying in front of Fan anymore. I wanted to smile at her, to talk, to let her know how happy I was to meet her.

   “Want to play?”

   “Hmm.”

   “Phoon, you go first.”

   “Let’s do rock-paper-scissors.”

   “Phoon, you should go first, I will let you.”

   “If you lose, don’t be a sore loser.”

   “I won’t be a sore loser, make your move,” Fan’s words prompted me to reach out and move the stone piece, just like when we were kids, we often played together because there was a two-colored grid in the middle of the marble table. We used it as a chessboard, with differently shaped stones or sometimes leaves as pieces.

   There was no conversation between us. I was surprised at myself for not wanting to say anything right now. We moved our pieces in silence. I looked up to see Torfan smiling continuously, her light brown eyes not as sad as they were the last time we met.

   “This strategy won’t work anymore.”

   “But I always get stuck with it.”

   “I told you I’d let you win.”

“Let me win or are you just not good enough?” I said, smiling slightly at her.

   “Such a smart mouth,” Fan laughed softly at my words before moving her piece again. I quickly moved my piece to capture hers.

   And then I won…

   “Want to play another game?” I asked.

   “No, it would just end the same,” Fan shook her head gently, giving me a small smile. “How has your day been? We haven’t written to each other today, have we?”

   “Hmm…I’ll write soon, I have to write anyway,” I reached out to hold the small hand that was extended towards me. We held hands tightly. I lowered my head, allowing her small hand to gently stroke my hair back and forth. “I’m glad they reached you.”

   “Some letters were unreadable, all smudged.”

   “Some days were just rough,” I said, thinking of the letters I wrote through tears, making them all blotchy.

   “But we’ve made it through.”

   “Yes, we’ve made it through.”

   “Thank you for making it through.”

   “…Hmm.”

   I looked up, tears welling up around my eyes, watching Torfan look at me with sorrowful eyes, her warm hand trying to wipe away my tears.

   “But from now on, I don’t know how I’ll get through it,” I said.

“But you have to get through it.”

   “I don’t know if I can,” I tried to control myself not to cry in front of

Fan again, pressing my lips together to hold back my emotions, “If

Phoon…doesn’t want to endure anymore, can I?”

   “…”

   “Just let everything end. No need to endure. No need to try anymore.”

   “…”

   “Then I can be with Fan.”

   “Live for me.”

   “Hic…”

   “Phoon, do you know that since I found out I had a little brother, you’ve been the person I love the most?” Her sweet voice spoke softly, her warm hand gently wiping away my tears again, caressing my face tenderly. I held onto that hand, “Can you do it for the person I love the most?”

   “…hic, hmm.”

   “Since we were kids, I have tried to take care of you the best I could, so…don’t hurt the person I love. Take good care of yourself, eat a lot, like when I served you rice.”

   “Huhu, hmm.”

   “Eat only delicious things, like what I used to find for you to eat, take yourself to good places like when I took you on trips, tell yourself you’re loved often, like how I told you I loved you.”

“Hic, huhu, Fan…”

   “One day it will definitely get better. Until then, I will be watching over you, Phoon,” tears streamed down her pale cheeks, her sweet face stained with tears but still smiling as she always did, “Phoon isn’t just a piece that no one sees, Phoon is Fan’s Typhoon, you’re Torfan’s little brother, do you know how happy Fan was that our parents gave us similar names?”    “Huh, hmm, huhu…”

   “Don’t cry.”

   “But Fan…sniff, you shouldn’t cry either.”

   “You cried first, you big baby.”

   “I’m not a baby,” I said before quickly wiping my tears again, “See?

Not crying anymore.”

   “Very good.”

   “…Fan.”

   “Hmm?”

   “I don’t have much time left to be with Phii Fah,” I said with concern, furrowing my brows in stress, “If we have to part…what should Phoon do?”

   “…It’s hard, isn’t it?”

   “Yes, it’s hard to leave someone you want to be with the most.”

   “If you pull away, Fah will definitely be angry.”

   “…Yeah, that’s right.”

This made me remember that what Phii Fah hates most is being ignored, no matter how much you yell or use harsh words. I think nothing makes Phii Fah angrier than being ignored. When we were kids, Fan and I once pretended to ignore Phii Fah for a prank. Not even an hour passed before Phii Fah got really mad and didn’t talk to us for a whole day.

   And Phii Fah also hates things without reason; if I suddenly distance myself from Phii Fah without explanation, I can’t imagine how mad he would be.

   But how…could I tell him?

   How could I bear to make you angry at me…

   “Fah will understand…trust me.”

   “…”

   “But it will take time.”

   “How long will it take?”

   “I don’t know.” Those comforting words helped me feel a little better. At least, I hope Phii Fah will understand, and one day, maybe even Dad will understand me, “Dad, he…”

   “Is dad cruel to you, Phoon?”

   “…”

   “Hmm…does he not love you at all?”

   “I love dad, even though it’s like that,” I held Fan’s hand with both of mine, bowing my head to touch my forehead to her hand, “even though…it’s like that.”

“It’s okay.”

   “…”

   “This place isn’t ours yet, there must be somewhere out there that is…somewhere in this world.”

   “…”

   “And one day, I will definitely find it.”

   “Really?”

   “Really, have I ever lied?”

   “…Never.”

   “Right…so believe me.”

   “…Hmm, thank you.”

   I woke up in the middle of the night. It wasn’t a sudden wake from a nightmare; it was the best kind of dream. Maybe because it wasn’t my usual bedtime, I woke up. I had fallen asleep without even turning off the light, huh? I looked at the clock to see it was past eight in the evening.

The dream I had just now made me feel indescribably better. As I’ve said before, I’m not sure if that was really Fan or just something I imagined, but it was good…really good. All of that was what I’ve always needed, the comfort, the person I missed.

Can I have dreams like this every night, please…I want to keep having dreams like this forever.

I went down to the convenience store under the dorm to grab something to eat, took a shower, and then thought about reading, feeling refreshed despite the late hour. And I didn’t forget to write a letter to Fan first.

Come to think of it, it’s past eight; has Phii Fah come back yet? I checked the chat to see it was empty; the last messages we exchanged were from earlier in the evening.

Maybe I should message him; there’s a part I don’t quite understand, even though I’ve asked for clarification before.

-dust-: Phii Fah, are you back yet?

   -dust-: After nearly fifteen minutes, the message finally showed as read.

   Tf: Not yet.

   Tf: But it should be soon.

   Tf: Anything wrong?

   Oh…asking what’s wrong again.

Whatever…it’s only natural to ask.

-dust-: I was reading and there’s a part I don’t really understand.

   Tf: Oh, what subject?

   -dust-: Math.

   Tf: Don’t understand the content or the problem?

   -dust-: Confused by the problem.

   -dust-: Can’t solve it.

   Tf: Can you send a photo?

-dust-: Sends photo

   Tf: Just a moment.

   It took less than five minutes for Phii Fah to reply.

   Tf: Sends photo

   Tf: Here’s an easy method. If there’s anything you don’t understand, feel free to ask.

   It was a picture of how to solve the problem I couldn’t do, written on a napkin. I guessed it was because he was at a restaurant and didn’t have paper, plus the method Phii Fah used was pretty concise and easy to understand, with a shortcut.

-dust-: Thank you.

   -dust-: Sorry to bother you.

   Tf: It’s okay.

   Tf: If you have anything else, you can ask me.

   -dust-: How was the birthday party?

   Tf: Nothing much, really.

   Tf: Just like a regular drinking session.

   -dust-: Did the birthday person like the gift?

   Tf: He said it was okay.

   -dust-: That’s good then.

   -dust-: I don’t know if it will suit him, though.

   The message showed as read, but Phii Fah didn’t reply for almost five minutes before sending back a photo.

Tf: sends a photo Tf: It suits him.

   It was a picture of a guy wearing the jacket I had chosen, turning to give a mocking smile at the camera. It looked very fitting on him; in fact, this guy could probably wear anything and look good. Plus, he looked dangerously handsome, in a way I couldn’t quite describe.

-dust-: It really does suit him.

   Tf: Then, I will go now.

   -dust-: Okay.

   -dust-: If you are back, can I ask more?

   Tf: Sure.

   I waited nearly half an hour before Phii Fah sent a message saying he was back. I didn’t know if this was normal for people who tutored each other, but Phii Fah called me, saying he would tutor me. My heart skipped a beat when I saw that Phii Fah was calling.

“Yes…?”

(Yes, do you have anything else to ask?)

   “Math, trigonometry.”

(Are you going to take the exam again?)

   “Yes.”

(Then it’s going to be tough because trigonometry is very difficult, and there’s a lot of it too. How about Phii Fah teaches you everything from scratch?)

   “Oh…that would be good, I don’t understand it well either.”

(How was it when you studied math at school?)

“Hmm…well, I didn’t understand it much.”

(You didn’t understand it from back then, right?)

   “Yes.”

(So let’s start tutoring from the beginning, what time is Phoon free?)

   “Actually, I’m free almost all the time.”

(Then let’s study together until close to the exam, so I can help you review.)

   “…Oh, that’s great, thank you.”

(Tutoring every day, don’t get discouraged.)

   “I won’t get discouraged.”

(And don’t suddenly say you don’t want to study like this, okay?)

   “I won’t.”

(Then let’s make a promise that you’ll stick with me until the exam.)

   “…”

(Phoon, are you still there?)

   “Oh…yes.”

(Do you promise?)

   “Yes…I promise.”

Promise…to stay by your side. Even if it’s not until that time comes.

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 7: Dreamed

   To, Torfan

   Sorry I didn’t write a letter yesterday, I stayed overnight with Phii

Fah again because the power went out in my dorm. Phii Fah said that my dorm isn’t very good, so he’ll find a better one for me, which is very kind of him.

   During the day, Uncle Kong came to see me. He told me about my father, Fan…Fan, do you know how cruel my father has been to me? I apologize, I shouldn’t say such things about my father, but I…I don’t know, saying I’m disappointed might not be right, because I had no expectations, and it’s not exactly about feeling hurt, because my feelings are already broken. It’s a feeling like, deep down, I know. Even though I never thought about it before, when my father does this, it doesn’t really surprise me.

   My father wants to move me to study somewhere else because he doesn’t want me to be close to Phii Fah…So, I asked Uncle Kong to talk to my father, just asking for one more month, and after that, I won’t bother Phii Fah anymore. Even though I’ve always wanted to see him, we only get to meet for a short time before parting again. Just the thought makes my heart sink, but maybe it’s not that bad…perhaps. At least, I’ll get to see Phii Fah sometimes.    I have felt like a liar these past few days…It’s terrible. At first, I was thinking about telling the truth to Phii Fah, but after my father called and said that…forget about telling the truth, the time we can spend together keeps getting shorter.

   In this one month, I want every minute to be valuable; I’ll spend as much time as I can with Phii Fah. Even if Phii Fah might find it annoying…what can we do, there’s only one month left. After that, Phii Fah will truly become an unreachable sky.

   Watch Phii Fah be happy. Who knows, maybe if Phii Fah doesn’t have to look after me, he might feel more at ease, it must be tough for him to always be with me. Maybe leaving…could be better for Phii Fah.

   Wish me luck, Fan.

   With love and always missing you,

   Typhoon

   I really wanted to write more to tell Fan, but given my current state, I decided to close the letter and put it away in the drawer, quickly wiping away tears. Just now, the paper was covered in tear stains.    I glanced at Fan’s picture again, her smile always heals me. Whether it’s a bad or good day, that day becomes better with your smile, and I can get through it.

I will get through this.

Like every time before…

I was startled by the sound of the phone ringing; I had just hung up with Phii Fah when I saw it was Uncle Kong calling. That name made me feel uneasy; please let it be good news.

“Yes,” I said into the phone.

(Phoon, I called and talked to Rati about your request.)

   “…What did Dad say?”

(He said no.)

   “…”

I clenched my lips tight, feeling my heart sink.

(I tried to talk him into it. I’ll talk to him again when I get back.)

   “…Thank you, Uncle.”

(Hmm, don’t stress too much.)

   “Yes.”

I hung up the phone, and then tears I didn’t know where they came from started to flow down slowly. Damn it…my head hurts so much. After crying a lot, my head always aches like this. I raised my hand to massage my eyebrows and temples for a while, hoping it would ease the headache.

Then I decided to call my father.

I waited until he answered.

(What do you want?)

   “It’s about school. I want to study here.”

(Do you think you decide where you study?)

   “…”

(Do you know how much it costs to send you to school? I have the right to choose where you study since I’m the one paying.)    “If I have to study somewhere else, you’ll have to pay another application fee.”

(…)

   “Please let me study here. I won’t bother Phii Fah…just for one month.”

(Kong told me. Not even for one month.)

   “…please.”

(Two weeks.)

   “One month, please, I beg you.”

(No.)

   “…You’re so cruel, even though…I’m your son.”

(…)

   “I am your son…whether you want it or not, you might see me as a mistake, yes. I am your mistake, look at me…you made this mistake, because you cheated on your wife…

(Typhoon!!)

   “Yes, hic…I am Typhoon. I am Typhoon, your son…legally, legally.

I am your son.”

(What do you want!)

   “Me?” I started sobbing and shouting louder than I usually do, but now I’ve lost control and can’t manage myself.

I felt like…I was ready to break down again.

“You…hic, what do you want?”

(I want you to stay away from that family.)

   “Because it’s embarrassing, isn’t it…very embarrassing, right? Very embarrassing, hic…huhu, it’s good that you’re embarrassed, because it’s all your fault.”

(…you!!)

   The tone of his voice indicated that my father was angry, very angry…as he usually is in situations like this. I felt good that at least it was just a phone call. Otherwise…things could have gotten more intense.

“Will you blame me, why blame me? What did I do? I was just born…I didn’t even choose to be, you’re the one who chose…hic, huhu.

I…I…”

(…)

   “If I could choose, I’d want to have a normal family like everyone else!”

I hung up without waiting for an answer from Dad. I didn’t care anymore…I didn’t care about his words anymore. I would stay here…I would stay here. No matter what…I would stay here.

   Please…

   Please don’t take everything away from me again.

   I sat hugging my knees and cried for nearly an hour. No calls came back from Dad, no calls from anyone. I hate it when I sink into these terrible feelings and can’t pull myself back out, as if my tears would never stop. No matter what, they kept flowing endlessly.

   I sat leaning against the back of the chair, feeling drained, staring blankly at the white wall. This might have been one of the few times I raised my voice at my father. I yelled out wanting a normal family like others, yes…maybe it’s something many people are born with, a father, a mother, or just guardians.

   Someone to be a refuge. Not having to cook delicious meals. Not having to prepare a bed, not needing gifts or important celebrations. I just hoped for an ordinary family. No need for free time to go out, no need to eat together on holidays, just someone who wouldn’t leave, who would care about me, listen, and ask.

   And sadly, that person…

   Was someone I once had…

   I slowly got up from the chair and sat on the bed, hugging the teddy bear Fan had once bought for me, holding it tight and crying again.

   Fan was my family…the only one I had, and I couldn’t keep her.    We parted without even understanding each other. At that time, we were still arguing. I was still stubborn. I didn’t treat her well. I didn’t even have the chance to say sorry. And Fan…she never got the chance to hear my apology.

   When I lost her, I realized that     no matter how much I regretted it,    I would never be forgiven again.

   “Sorry…Phoon is sorry.”

After crying for nearly two hours until I had no strength left, I tried to pull myself together to wash my face, make some hot tea, and drink a cup hoping to feel a bit better. I looked at the teddy bear I had been hugging earlier; it definitely needed washing now.

   It was that stained.

   My eyelids were heavy, and my head and eyes hurt, but this state wasn’t all that unusual, it happens often. That’s why I wonder if tears will ever run out.

   While resting, I used the tea bags I had chilled earlier to soothe my swollen eyes; they really help with the swelling, which is something Fan taught me.

   I turned towards the door when I heard a knock, peeked through the peephole, and saw it was Phii Fah.

   Phii Fah…

   Why…

   “…yes?” I slowly opened the door, looking at the person in front of me with confusion, “Phii Fah…is something…wrong?”

“Sorry for not telling you beforehand, but can you stay over with me tonight?” Phii Fah said with a slight smile.

“Stay over?” I raised an eyebrow in response to his words.    “I still haven’t found a new dorm for you, this one isn’t very good, what if the power goes out again?”

“…Oh, okay.” I nodded, “Then…I will go pack a few things.” I said before turning back into the room. Phii Fah was too kind, but it was a good thing, I suppose.

“Can I come in?”

“Sure.” I replied without thinking, forgetting that my walls were covered with pictures of Fan. I quickly turned to see Phii Fah looking at those pictures with a surprised expression.

“Hmm…Fan, huh? She doesn’t seem to have changed much.” Phii Fah said with a smile, his surprise fading, “Where did you go on this trip?” he asked, pointing to one of the photos.

“Oh…Rayong, I think,” I looked at the photo and tried to remember, “Probably.” I also noticed the used tea bags I had used for my eyes lying there; would it seem strange to have used tea bags on the table?    I quickly packed my things as fast as I could; if Phii Fah noticed more of my personal items, it wouldn’t be good…

“Oh…Phii Fah, this morning when you went out, Hill called,” I said, remembering, as we were walking to the car, “He said to call him back.”

“Oh…did you answer the call?” Phii Fah turned to ask. I nodded in response, “Next time, you don’t have to answer the call.”

“…Okay.”

That’s right…I shouldn’t have interfered. Phii Fah probably doesn’t like anyone messing with his phone.

   Speaking of which…what was the urgent matter that made Phii Fah rush out this morning? Even if I want to know, it’s better not to ask.

It’s not something I should be asking about, it’s personal after all.    I heard the phone ringing again, and I saw it was Uncle Kong calling. I let out a big sigh before excusing myself to take the call.    “Phii Fah can wait in the car first. Phoon needs to take this call for a moment,” I said.

“Okay,” Phii Fah replied, then walked to wait by the car. I moved a little further away and answered the call.

“Yes, Uncle.”

(Phoon…did you say something? Rati is really angry now.)    “…Yes. I…just…” I immediately furrowed my brows, feeling stressed, wondering if I was going to get scolded again.

(Oh, forget it for now. Anyway, Rati has agreed. At first, he was only going to give you two weeks, but I talked to him, and he agreed to one month.)

   “Will…that’s true?”

(Yeah, one month, and after that, don’t bother him anymore.)

   “…Yes.”

It’s strange, one part of me is secretly happy; at least Dad agreed to let me be with Phii Fah for another month, but another part feels an aching emptiness.

(I’m sorry if I couldn’t help more.)

   “It’s okay, Uncle. I’m already very grateful for this,” I said with a sad smile.

(Phoon…just hang in there for now.)

   “Everything will get better, right?” I repeated the words Uncle had once told me.

(Yes…)

   “…Yes, then I’ll hang up now.”

(Hmm, we’ll talk later.)

   “Okay.”

I hung up the phone, stared at the screen for a while, then tucked it into my pants pocket.

   Just hold on, everything will get better soon.

   I hate this phrase so much…will it really get better? I’ve been using these words to console myself for how long now, and until now, nothing has improved.

   Will it get better?

   When?

   Just be patient?

   How long do I have to be patient…I can’t take it anymore, do I still have to endure?

   “Are you okay?” That was the first thing Phii Fah asked when I got into the car, his expression showing a bit of concern, which made me smile unintentionally.

“Why?”

“Your face is a bit pale.”

“Oh…”

“I think you should get a health check-up. I happen to have some free time now.”

“A health check-up?” I turned to ask the person next to me, with a look of surprise, “No…I’d rather not, I guess it would be the same as always.” I said. Even if I went for a check-up, there would probably be nothing except for not eating enough and not sleeping enough. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” I nodded.

“Then can we stop by to buy something?”

“What are you going to buy?”

“A gift.”

“A gift?”

“Yes, it’s a friend’s birthday tomorrow, and I haven’t got a gift yet.”

“Oh…sure.”

“Can you help me choose a gift?”

“I’m not sure if I can help.”

“Okay.”

Before the luxury car parked in the underground parking lot of the mall, I followed Phii Fah around. I had no idea what kind of gift he wanted to buy, we’d walked past many stores already.

“The other day, I was also looking at these kinds of things, but still didn’t know what to buy,” Phii Fah casually mentioned, putting his hand in his pocket and looking bored. He must not realize that by acting like this, he was attracting even more attention from passersby.    It’s a pity I didn’t bring my camera; if I had taken a picture now, it would look like one of his clothing ads, but even if I had a camera, it would still seem strange to take a photo.    “Do you have any ideas for buying gifts?”

“None at all. What kind of person is Phii Fah’s friend? Maybe that will help us think of what to buy.”

“Oh…just a moment, he’s calling right now. Phoon, wait here for a bit,” Phii Fah said after checking his phone. I nodded to show I understood and sat down to wait inside a clothing store.

“What’s up?”

(Tonfah.)

   “What?”

(Annoying.)

   “Why?”

(Your ex called me this morning, like fifteen times, the jerk.)

   “Did he call you too?”

(Yeah, and what’s with him, why does he have to call so much?)    “Maybe he had a problem with his new partner, so when he couldn’t reach you, he called the rest of us instead. Hill got it too, he just called me to complain.”

(Stupid.)

   “Sigh, he’s in trouble, isn’t he, Jo?”

(I’m in trouble too, damn it. I want to sleep, I’ve blocked the number already.)

   “Yeah, block it, Hill has already blocked it too.”

(When will you stop getting involved?)

   “I don’t gain anything from it.”

(Heh. You don’t gain anything, but you rush over when he calls.)

   “He’s in trouble, what can I do?”

(Just stay out of it.)

   “Jo.”

(Just stay out of it, that’s enough.)

   “Jo, don’t do anything.”

(When did I say I would do anything?)

   “You can’t be trusted.”

(This is just causing trouble, Fah.)

   “I’ll handle it myself. I won’t make it hard for you guys.”

(Fah.)

   “I know, is there anything you want to say?”

(Even if I don’t say it.)

   “You’ll know anyway.”

(Hmm.)

   “Sounds quite irritated.

(He’s been bothering me since morning.)

   “Whose voice is that?”

(Chin.)

   “Your mom, Chin?”

(Yeah, she’s calling me to go shopping again, buying so much I thought we were opening a secondhand store.)

   “Oh, I heard you were helping her carry stuff.”

(Hah, you think I want to?)

   “I came to buy you a birthday gift. I don’t know what to get, do you want anything special?”

(You won’t surprise me at all, huh?)

   “No, just tell me what you want.”

(Anything. You don’t have to buy anything, I don’t really want anything.)

   “Do I have to buy something?”

(Just buy anything.)

   “Hmm.”

(Yeah.)

   “Shall we go to another store?” Phii Fah came back to where I was waiting. I nodded, and we headed to another store. It seemed like Phii Fah really had no ideas for gift buying. We walked around almost the entire floor, “Sorry for making you tired.”

“It’s okay,” I said, shaking my head slightly. I wasn’t tired at all.

“How about buying a shirt?”

“That could be good.”

“Hmm…but he already has so many shirts.”

“What kind of person is your friend?” I asked the same question again, “Maybe it will help choose the gift.”

“Hmm…it’s hard to explain, but he’s someone who has everything, so it’s difficult to buy something for him.”

“Is he quite well-off?”

“You could say he’s very rich.”

“Oh…” I fell silent for a moment, pondering, “Then, how about making a gift? It would be unique.”

“I don’t have time to make something,” Phii Fah said, before his gaze shifted to one particular store, “Let’s stop at this shop instead.” I followed Phii Fah into a high-end clothing store that I guessed must be very expensive.

“Which one is good?” Phii Fah asked me, pointing at two jackets hanging there; both were beautiful. I’ve never had someone ask me to help choose a gift before. I didn’t know which one would suit him better.

“Uh…I can’t decide.”

“You can choose the one you like.”

“But…”

“Just choose one, don’t overthink it.”

“Then the one on the left.”

After that, Phii Fah picked up the jacket on the left and went to pay. I caught a glimpse of the bill; it was in the five digits, but I couldn’t see the exact amount clearly.

   It’s in the tens of thousands…

   And he chose the one I liked.

   What if I like it but the guy doesn’t?

   “What if I like it but he doesn’t?” I asked as we walked back to the car to return to the condo.

“It’s fine, he said I could buy anything. Since I couldn’t decide, having you help choose was good,” Phii Fah said in a relaxed tone, glancing at the mirror and gently turning the steering wheel. The luxury car began to move out of the parking lot.

Today, I got to help Phii Fah choose a gift, Fan.

   That’s nice.

   Just something small like this is enough.

   Another thing is that Dad agreed to let me stay here.

   Even if it’s not the best, it’s good enough.

   “Tomorrow, Phii Fah is going to a friend’s birthday party,” Phii Fah mentioned as we arrived at the room. I was searching through my bag, looking up at him as he spoke, “In the evening.”    “Oh, okay, should I go back to the dorm or…”

“You can stay here. I won’t be gone long.”

“Okay.”

I nodded and secretly smiled.

   “Don’t drink too much,” I said when I remembered, my words making Phii Fah smile slightly, in an affectionate way.

“Okay. Normally, I don’t drink much anyway.”

“Oh…okay.”

“Don’t forget to look for information on new dorms,” Phii Fah reminded, “Tomorrow we can go look for a new place.”

“Okay.”

We cooked dinner together, making up for the breakfast we didn’t finish and had to throw away. Then we sat on the sofa and watched a movie together. What we did today reminded me just how happy I am to be with Phii Fah, and I didn’t want to lose it.

   I really didn’t want to lose you.

   Really.

   “Phoon.”

“Ah, yes?”

“Lost in thought? Is the movie not interesting?”

“Oh, no, not that. Just thinking about something pleasant,” I quickly turned my attention back to the TV screen when I realized I was caught staring at him.

Until we finished watching the movie together. I wanted to note down what movies I watched with Phii Fah, so if I watch them again, I can remember.

   Staying with Phii Fah wasn’t particularly special, but it made me feel warm and safe in an indescribable way, giving me the comfort of seeing someone within sight, which was my peace of mind.    “Goodnight,” Phii Fah said about Fan as he was about to close the bedroom door, “Are you sure you want to sleep on the sofa tonight?”

“Yes, goodnight.”

“Okay,” Phii Fah smiled, before closing the bedroom door. I collapsed onto the large sofa, pulling a thin blanket over me, trying to close my eyes and surprisingly, I drifted off to sleep easily tonight.

“Phoon.”

   “…”

“Sit down.”    Huh?

   Everything before my eyes seemed blurry, with shades of pink and blue, before a marble bench appeared in front of me. Gradually, the surroundings became clearer, revealing the front yard of our house.    Home? Why am I back at home?

   I looked around in confusion, then looked down at myself to find I was wearing pajamas.

   Is Fan here…

   Then the person sitting in front of me must be…

   The smiling face of the woman I’ve always thought of. She was smiling widely, kindly; Torfan was sitting on the marble bench in front of me. I rushed over to her immediately.

   “Hic…huhu,” I stopped in front of her, standing there crying. I’ve always prayed, always wished to see Fan. Even just in this dream, it would be enough, I wanted to see her, wanted to see her…”Fan…Fan.”    “Phoon, don’t cry, sit down first,” the sweet, familiar voice spoke softly. I sat down opposite her. Fan was wearing the outfit I last saw her in, on the day she was hit by a car.

   “Fan…Fan, why, hic.”

   “Don’t cry. No.”

   The small, warm hand gently wiped my tears, which only made me cry harder. I reached up to hold that hand.

“Fan…I miss you, I miss you,” I took her hand and kissed it, glancing at the person who was still smiling gently in front of me.

   Thank you…

   Thank you for still smiling at me.

   “Fan…I misses I, misses…you, all the time…sniff”

   “I know…you tell me every day.”

   “…sniff, sob”

   “In the letters.”

   “sob…sniff, sob”

   “I also miss you, Phoon.”

   “Ohh,” I sobbed uncontrollably, almost unable to breathe when I heard what she said, “sniff, sob”

   “Phoon…”

   “sob, sniff”

   “You’ve been through a lot of bad things, haven’t you?”

   “sob, sniff, uhm, sob…sniff”

   I had millions of words I wanted to say, but at this moment, I couldn’t say a single one. I just kept crying, crying until it felt like my heart would break, every feeling, every longing, everything was stuck in my chest.

   “It’s okay.”

   “sniff, sniff, sob”

   “You did well.”

   “…”

“You did very well, for everything you’ve been through.”    “Fan…gasp, sob” I could hardly see because of the tears blurring my vision, the image in front of me was blurry, but I sensed that Fan had also started to cry.

   “Hic, I’m sorry…hic, sorry for not being there with you.”    I held Fan’s hands tighter, bowing my head to rest my forehead against her palms.

   “Sorry…huhu, I’m sorry too, sorry, Phoon is sorry.”

   “Hmm, hic, huhu. It’s okay. It’s really okay.”

   “Because of Phoon, because of Phoon…Fan, therefore…”    She showed a faint smile and gently shook her head.

   “No…not at all.”

   Then slowly, her hands moved to cup my face, her beautiful eyes looking at me through her tears.

   “It’s not your fault at all.”

   “Bu…but…”

   “Don’t cry anymore…brave one.”

   “Hmm,” I nodded slightly, my lips pressed together, before hastily wiping my tears away, “Thank you, thank you, always thank you.”

   “Phoon.”

   “Eat more, okay?”

   “…” Fan’s words made my tears flow again. I slowly nodded in agreement, “How is Fan?”

“…” No answer came, but her eyes, wet with tears, reflected a deep sadness.

   “Why did we only meet now, even though…”

   “Phoon, I have always seen you.”

   “But…it’s about back then.”

   “Yes…” Her voice was soft and sweet, both her gaze and smile were so sad it hurt, her pale face stained with tears, “This is just a dream, what you will see…depends on your emotions and feelings.”

   “…”

   “Your sadness is too much.”

   “Fan…”

   “Hmm?”

   “Fan, you are…still with me, right?”

   “I haven’t gone anywhere, right? I am always by your side, right? sniff…”

   “…I don’t know.”

   “sniff…sob, sorry, it must be very painful, right?”

   “Phoon.”

   “…Yes?”

   “Listen.”

   “Uhm…”

   “It might be hard…but sometimes you need to be strong.”

   “…”

“In the end, everyone has to face things alone…you can’t always depend on others.”

   “…”

   “But right now, it’s not easy, is it…For the next month, I will pray for you, may you only encounter good things, have only good memories, and after that…no matter how much it hurts, you have to be strong.”

   “…sniff, sob”

   The warm hand gently stroked my face.

   “No matter what happens…”

   “sob…hug”

   “Phoon, please love yourself the way I love you.”

   “sob, sniff”    !!!

   I woke up, feeling my heart pounding fiercely, tears streaming down my face. I slowly sat up, hastily wiping away my tears, but when I thought back to the scene from the dream, I wanted to cry again.    I took some time to compose myself, then got up to wash my face, looking for water to drink to calm down. I stood leaning against the kitchen counter, staring outside for a while, my mind full of confusing thoughts.

Fan…

   …why do I dream of things like this?

Before this, I dreamt of Fan often, but it was always about the past or the day Fan died. I had never dreamt like this before.    I don’t know what it was, was that really Fan…or was it just my imagination? There’s nothing that can give me an answer, because people often say that dreams happen because we think about someone a lot, and the events in the dream are what we want to happen.

   Because I wanted to see her.

   Because I wanted to apologize.

   Because I wanted to be forgiven.

   To read the letter as I was told, to hear my apology, to receive forgiveness, the warmth from her hands, her smile, her voice, her comfort, her concern, her goodwill, her love, all those things. I don’t know if it’s real.

   But even if it’s just in a dream,    Even if you’re no longer really here,    At least…

   At least…

   You still always heal me.

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 6: Goodnight, Again

   “…”

I could only remain silent, looking at the person in front of me with confusion before my heart started beating so hard I couldn’t control it.

   This isn’t good, my heart shouldn’t be beating this strongly.

   “Do you remember why?”

“…”

“Phoon.”

“Yes,” I quickly regained my composure, turning my attention to what Phii Fah was saying, “Yes, why?”

“When we were kids, when I just referred to myself as ‘Phi’ (big brother), you would get confused about which ‘Phi’ it was because there were many kids we knew around the neighborhood. So, I had to use his name so that you would know.”

“Oh…”

“You don’t remember?”

“Uh…no, I don’t remember at all.”

I couldn’t remember what Phii Fah was telling me; I couldn’t recall him ever just calling himself ‘Phii’ before. Was it because of this reason?

   Because he referred to himself like that since childhood?

   “Yes, if I didn’t say it like this, it wouldn’t feel right.”

Ah…it’s just something he’s been used to for a long time.

   It’s not good…because my heart went and hoped on its own, which is why it hurts like this now. Deserved, Typhoon, deserved…for hoping like that, it’s just pathetic.

   “Yeah…that’s how it is, but Phii Fah you don’t have to use his name like that anymore. We’re not kids anymore,” I said softly, breathing with difficulty, feeling my whole chest area constricted.

“Hmm. It’s okay, I’m used to it.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Or do you not like it? If you don’t like it, Phii Fah won’t use his name anymore.”

“I don’t dislike it…” I answered truthfully. Whether it’s out of habit or whatever, it’s better that he only does this with me…yes, it has to be better, “You can keep referring to yourself like that.”

“Then you should call yourself by your name like before too,” Phii Fah said with a kind smile.

“…Yes.”

“By the way, how’s the neighborhood? Has it changed a lot? Phii

Fah hasn’t been back since moving out.”

“Well…it has changed a bit. Like the candy store is gone, the playground we used to run around in is now a row of shops,” I said, thinking about what has changed around the neighborhood since childhood. Everything changes with time, and it always makes me feel nostalgic when I think about it, “The storage shed…our secret base, it’s been demolished.”    “Oh…that’s too bad.”

“…Yes, it’s a pity.”

“Alright then,” Phii Fah said, getting up from the sofa, “Shall I make some hot cocoa? So you can sleep better.” I was slightly surprised that he suddenly changed the topic, but I nodded in agreement right away.

“Can I help?”

“No need, do you like it sweet?”

“It doesn’t have to be sweet.”

“Okay,” Phii Fah responded. I watched the host of the room walk over to the kitchen area, and in no time, hot cocoa was placed on the table in front of me.

“Thank you,” I expressed my gratitude before reaching out to take the cocoa cup, “Doesn’t Phii Fah want some?”

“No.”

“Have some, you might sleep better,” I offered, holding out the cup, but Phii Fah shook his head gently.

“I usually sleep easily because there’s not much time to rest.”

“Oh…”

“More often, I try to keep myself from getting too sleepy.”

“Is it a heavy workload?” I asked, taking a sip of the cocoa.    This hot cocoa is so delicious…it makes me think of Fan. When I couldn’t sleep and I would whine to Fan, she would get up and make something for me to drink before bed.

“Yes, veterinary studies are tough too. Try your best.”    “Yes,” I nodded, glancing outside. It seemed like the rain was getting heavier, with no sign of stopping.

“Actually, if there’s anything you don’t understand, you can ask me.”

“…Ask?”

“Yes, the first-year content isn’t that hard; I can tutor you.”    “Thank you,” I said softly, “I’ll…come and ask.” My words made the person in front of me smile a little wider.

“Then you can sleep now. Would you like another blanket?”

“It’s okay.”

“Yes, then Phii Fah will go to sleep. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight too.”

Phii Fah went to drink water from the fridge before disappearing into the bedroom, and silence returned to the room once more. I thought of something and went to grab my phone to take a photo.

   It was a picture of an empty cocoa mug on the table.

   This might be one of the few photos on my Instagram that isn’t of the sky.

   With the caption, “goodnight.”

   “It’s morning,” a familiar, gentle, deep voice spoke, waking me up as I slowly opened my eyes to find Phii Fah gently shaking me.

“…Uh, yes.”

I slowly sat up, the sunlight from outside making me instinctively rub my eyes a little, but a firm hand immediately grabbed my wrist.

“Don’t rub your eyes.”

I looked at the hand holding my wrist before he let go.

“…Yes.”

“Go shower first, then we’ll have breakfast together.”

“Breakfast?”

“Yes, the breakfast we said we’d make together.”    Oh…right.

Cooking together.

After I showered and got dressed, I put on the same clothes from yesterday, thinking they could be worn again, and today I would probably go back. Walking out, I saw Phii Fah preparing things on the kitchen counter.

“Come help chop some vegetables, can you do it?”

“I can.”

I walked over to help, as I mentioned, I’m not that skilled, but I can manage because I used to help Fan cook often. While I was trying to chop vegetables, I stole a glance at the person standing next to me, and once again, I felt a warmth in my heart.

Phii Fah in this light…I never thought I’d see him like this.    “Be careful not to cut yourself,” Phii Fah warned, probably because he saw I was distracted. I quickly turned back to what I was doing, embarrassed, “You can do it.”

“…Really?”

“You are good at this too, I told you to have some confidence in yourself.”

“Ah…thank you,” I said, thanking him again, unknowingly smiling.    It’s nice like this. Even if I’m in the role of a younger brother, if it doesn’t hurt too much, it’s not so bad.

I still want to have an older brother, no matter the role.

No matter what…I don’t want time to change this.

While we were cooking, the phone rang. Phii Fah turned to look at his phone, which was sounding on the table, quickly wiping his hands before picking it up. I, who had to continue preparing the meal, didn’t see, but I could hear Phii Fah’s voice.

“Is it okay?”

(…)

   “It’s fine, I’ll come over.”

(…)

   “At the usual place, right? Wait for a bit, um…just ten minutes, wait ten minutes, and I’ll be there.”

(…)

   Normally, Phii Fah’s voice would sound calm and composed, but now, it sounded like he was in a rush. Yes, that voice was full of urgency, something not often heard.

“Phoon, I will go out for a bit.”

“Oh…okay.”

“You don’t have to cook, just wait for me to come back.”

“Yes.”

Before Phii Fah put on a jacket, slipped on his shoes, and hurried out of the room, leaving me standing confused in the room alone.    Because Phii Fah said to pause the cooking, I turned off the gas stove and carefully set down the knife. Who called, and what could have happened to make him leave in such a hurry?

At least it must be something important.

I went back to sit on the sofa where I had slept last night, folded the blanket neatly and placed it. I only now noticed the hyacinth we bought together, which was on the shelf beside the bookcase. I wonder if Phii Fah takes care of it, but he did promise to try his best.    I’ve been waiting for almost twenty minutes, but there’s no sign of the room’s owner returning. I walked over to check the ingredients and the partially prepared food. Phii Fah said we’d cook together…    It’s okay, he just has something more important to deal with.    Suddenly, the phone rang again. I recognized it as Phii Fah’s phone because mine doesn’t have that ringtone. I followed the sound to find it still on the table.

He left in such a hurry he forgot his phone…

I looked at the screen, which showed the name ‘Hill’ calling.    Hill?

If I remember correctly, this is the name of a friend Phii Fah mentioned he wanted to introduce to me.

I hesitated for a long time about whether to answer or not, because it’s not my phone, would it be too intrusive to pick up? But thinking he might have urgent business, I could at least tell him Phii Fah wasn’t here.

“Ye…yes?” I answered with a shaky voice.

(…Where’s Tonfah?)

   The deep, calm voice on the other end sent a slight shiver down my spine, sounding like the caller was not pleased that it wasn’t Phii Fah answering.

“Phii Fah is not here, he forgot his phone.”

(And who are you?)

   “…Phii Fah’s little brother.”

(Uh…where did he leave his phone?)

   “In his room.”

(His room? And where did he go?)

   “Someone called, and he rushed out.”

(Hmm, when he gets back, tell him to call me back, okay?)

   “Okay.”

Before the other person hung up, this guy seemed so cold. Why would Phii Fah want to introduce him to me? When the call ended, the phone screen locked. I put it down and after a while, it was my phone’s turn to ring.    Incoming call: Uncle Kong    Uncle?

   “Yes, Uncle.”

(Phoon, are you free today?)

   “Yes, what’s up?”

(I’m in Chiang Mai today, let’s have dinner together.)

   “Oh…sure, what time?”

(Can we meet in about thirty minutes? Where’s your dorm located? I’ll come pick you up.)

   “Uh…it’s behind the university. When you arrive, you can call me.”

(Alright, see you then.)

   “Yes.”

I hung up, smiling slightly. Uncle Kong is my dad’s secretary. As

I’ve mentioned, I talk more with my dad’s secretary than with my dad. Uncle Kong used to visit us often since we were kids; he’s a very kind person, knows everything that happens in our family, including that I’m not the biological son, yet he’s still very kind to me.

I actually wanted to wait for Phii Fah to come back, but since I had already made plans with Uncle, and Phii Fah said he’d be back soon but there was no sign of him after so long, it should be fine to leave before he returns. I can’t even message him to let him know because he left his phone behind.

I left Phii Fah’s room, got into the car, and returned to my dorm. I quickly changed my clothes and went out to have a meal with Uncle.    “How are you doing here?” Uncle Kong asked as soon as I got in the car.

“It’s good, and how about you, Uncle, are you well?”

“I’m well, you talk like we haven’t seen each other in ages, we just met before Phoon left Phuket.”    “Yeah, do you have business here?”

“Yes, just a little business. Since I’m in Chiang Mai, I thought I’d visit Phoon.”

“Oh.”

Before we stopped in front of a restaurant, while we were sitting at the table waiting for our food, Uncle Kong chatted about all sorts of things. I’m glad Uncle Kong is still around. Even though he’s not family, just an acquaintance, at least he talks to me nicely, doesn’t shout, doesn’t speak ill, we meet sometimes, eat together, and asks if I’m doing well…that’s all I really need.

“How long until the term starts?” Uncle Kong asked while scooping food into his mouth.    “About two more months.”

“Oh…that’s good, do you travel around by car often? Do you know the roads yet?”

“Not really,” I shook my head slightly, “I don’t go out much.”    “Come to think of it, I still haven’t bought you a congratulatory gift for passing the exam, do you still want that camera?”

“It’s okay, Dad already bought it for me,” I said. Dad just transferred the money because I called and asked for it. He doesn’t want me bothering him too much, so he transfers the money to end it quickly.    “Rati is always like this,” Uncle Kong said. Rati is my dad’s name. Uncle Kong and my dad are quite close because they’ve been friends for a long time, and they still work together, “Sigh, Phoon, actually, I didn’t want to tell you about this.”

“…What is it?”

“Rati consulted with me about wanting you to study somewhere else.”

Uncle Kong’s words made me put down my spoon immediately. I was stunned because I couldn’t believe what I had just heard.

“Uh…what is it?”

“He’s really mad that you met Tonfah. At first, he didn’t think much about wanting to study here, but when he found out that Tonfah is here too, it made Rati think that you might do something bad.”

“Something bad…what is that? I didn’t…”

“Yeah, but in his mind, he thinks you will tell Tonfah something.”    “…I never thought of that,” I said softly, lowering my head, clenching my lips tight, feeling uneasy. “Why would he think that?”

“Hmm…”

“Dad doesn’t see me in a good light anymore, does he?” I said, because Uncle’s troubled expression told me instantly. “Why? This matter…”

“Rati doesn’t want Khun Wichai and Khun Pha to know about

Torfan, you know why, right?”

“…Yes,” I clasped both hands tightly. “Uncle…can you tell me more details? Why doesn’t Dad want Uncle and Aunt to know to that extent?”

My words made the person sitting across from me look even more troubled, letting out a heavy sigh before beginning to explain.    “If you want more details…Rati really respects both of them, and he’s always been concerned about his own image. He once thought he wanted his daughter to date Wichai’s son.”    Dad wanted Fan…to date Phii Fah?

“In front of Wichai, he always tried to make himself look good, from choosing good women to date, to having a lovely daughter. In fact, Torfan’s name actually comes from Tonfah.”

“…How so?”

“Initials T and F.”

Oh…right, T and F can be both Tonfah and Torfan.

“So he also lied to Khun Wichai and Khun Pha about you. When

Tonfah was born, Khun Wichai and Khun Pha were still in Germany. By the time they came back, you and Fan were already two and three, so he could lie to both of them, saying he had two children.”    I nodded in understanding, because during the time I was left behind, you, uncle and aunt, were abroad.

“If Khun Wichai and Khun Pha knew about Fan’s death, they would definitely suspect why Rati and Pim got divorced, why Pim left even though you were still there, if they knew the truth about Rati…”    Uncle Kong looked worried the whole time he was telling me the story. I felt some pain myself, but the truth is the truth…

“If uncle and aunt knew that my father fooled around with someone else and that I am his extra marital child, it would disappoint them, wouldn’t it?”    “Probably…”

“And…why, if he abandons me even more, wouldn’t it look bad in uncle and aunt’s eyes, why…why?” I asked while trying to hold back tears, trying to control myself as much as possible. Uncle looked at me with pity and reached out to hand me a tissue.

“Phoon…”

“Because my father doesn’t love me, right? He probably doesn’t even want to see me…” I bit my lip so hard it bled, not as painful as the turmoil in my heart at that moment.

I understand…I understand now, because my father doesn’t want to take care of me. If he left me here and uncle and aunt saw me, he would have to pretend to love and care for me for them to see, and he doesn’t want to do that.

   Uncle Kong consoled me for a while until I got back to normal. No matter how many times I think about it, it still hurts. Just thinking…just thinking that I’ve never been loved, not even a little bit.

   Just thinking about it…

   My heart feels like it’s shattering into pieces.

   “And…about saying father wants me to…study elsewhere,” I said softly, head down. Even now, my hands barely had the strength to hold each other.

“To keep you away from them, of course.”

“No…I don’t want that.”

Tears started to well up again. No…no, don’t take Phii Fah away. No. I have no one left, please…please, just this, can I have just this, can I have Phii Fah?

“No, please, I beg you, please,” I looked up with hot, teary eyes, my lips pressed tightly together in pain, but more than that was the deep ache in my heart.

“Phoon…that’s not something for me to decide, I’m just here to tell you,” Uncle Kong said in a calm voice, trying to soothe me. “Actually, there are still some universities accepting students. Rati wants you to study somewhere else.”

“…No…not that.”

“Phoon…”

“Uncle…you know, I feel…”

I let the tears flow, trying my best to stifle my sobs, quickly grabbing a tissue to wipe my tears in a rush, so others wouldn’t notice.

“I know…I want to stay with Tonfah, right?”

“…Yes, sniff.”

“I’ll talk to Rati again, at least you won’t have to transfer to another school.”

“…”

“But, Phoon…you’ll have to keep your distance from Tonfah.

Otherwise…”

“Uncle.”

“Hmm?”

“If I don’t get too involved with Phii Fah, it will be okay, right?”

“Well…maybe.”

“Then one month.”

“…?”

“Just one month, let me stay with Phii Fah for just one more month. I won’t tell the truth about Fan. I won’t let anyone know, just one month, and then I won’t bother Phii Fah anymore.”

“Phoon…”

“Sniff…please.”

“…Hmm, I’ll tell Rati like this then.”

“…Yes, sniff, thank you, Uncle.”    Yes…just this.

   You don’t have to be by my side, that’s okay, just let me see you.

   Just let me see you a little…my sky.

   “Phoon, if anything happens, call me.”

“Yes, thank you,” I thanked him again as I stepped out of uncle’s car, said goodbye for a while longer, before walking back up to my room, collapsing onto the bed in exhaustion.

Not physical exhaustion, but my heart that was tired.

   Why…is my love so hard to come by?

   Maybe it’s right, the person by my side, Phii Fah shouldn’t have been Phoon from the start…

   I glanced at the picture on the wall in front of me.

   Fan…

   Why…did it have to be like this?

If it were Fan, everything would be better, wouldn’t it? If Fan were still here…none of this would have happened. No way, everything would be perfect with Fan.

   I constantly wondered why it wasn’t him who was hit by the car that day.

   If we could trade places…I’d want Fan to be here instead, to be the hope and Fan for the parents, to be the happiness for everyone, to be by Phii Fah’s side, to do what Phoon could never do, to be what Phoon could never be.

   I’m so tired, Fan…Phoon is tired and it hurts.

   Does it hurt this much…just to keep living?

   I just don’t want to be alone…just want someone by my side.    Just don’t want…to sit here hugging myself and crying like this anymore.

   With my parents, I used to demand love, used to demand attention, but now…if there’s no love, can we at least not hurt each other?    I…do I have the right to be happy…or not?

   After crying and hugging myself on the bed for nearly ten minutes, my phone rang, pulling me out of my reverie. At times like these, when I’m spiraling down, it’s hard to pull myself up, and I’ve never managed to do it. I just keep sinking deeper into that pain.

   Phii Fah called…

“…Hello,” I answered the call and tried my best to keep my voice from trembling.

(Phoon, where are you? Why haven’t you answered when I called several times?)

   “Oh…I’m sorry. I didn’t hear it.”

(And where are you now?)

   “I’m in my room.”

(Are you okay? Why did you suddenly leave?)

   “Oh…it’s because an uncle I know was going to take me out for a meal, so I left early. Sorry.”

(Oh…it’s good as long as you’re okay.)

   The anxious tone from the other end of the line made me think, at least, he still cares about me.

“Phii Fah.”

(Yes, what is it?)

   “Phoon wants to go out again tomorrow. Can you take me out?”

(Oh…sure.)

   Just one month.

   Just one month to be with Phii Fah…

   I want it to be a month full of memories between us.

   And it…will become the most precious memory for me.

 SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME 

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 5: Rainy Day

   It’s raining…

   I don’t know when it started, but by the time I noticed, raindrops were already falling. I gazed out the window dotted with raindrops. The sky when it’s overcast sometimes makes me feel lonely, but I still like to look up at it.

   When they say I look at the sky positively…that’s probably true.

   How could I look at you in a negative way?

   Can’t be the sky for anyone…Is that so…

   But even so…I still see you as my only sky.

   No matter what happens…you’re still the only one I always look for.

   And it will never change.

   No matter what you think…I won’t change.

   We were at a traffic light before turning into my dorm. After we went out together, when it started to rain, Phii Fah hurried to take me back. I secretly glanced at the person beside me for a moment before turning back.    Phii Tonfah…

   I once asked about the meaning of his name. He said because his father wanted him to be a sky higher than anyone else, a sky that everyone looks up to, and his mother wanted him to be a tree, one that sways with the wind but never falls, providing shelter to others.    So, Phii Tonfah lived up to his parents’ expectations, being a sky above all, providing shade like a tree. As for me, I’m someone who just happened to pass by, fell for this tree, chose to seek shelter here, knowing full well I couldn’t stay here forever.

   “It’s bad, isn’t it? The traffic is this heavy,” Phii Fah said. This brought me out of my reverie, looking ahead to see the road packed with cars. When it rains like this, traffic always jams up, it seems like the cars haven’t moved for a while.

“Indeed.”

I was slightly startled when I heard a knock on the car window from the driver’s side, seeing a big bike stop nearby. The rider wore a black helmet and leather jacket, tapping on the window with the back of his hand. Phii Fah looked over, furrowed his brows, and slightly lowered the window to hear what the other person was trying to say. The window was only lowered a little to prevent the rain from splashing in, so the person outside couldn’t see me, and the rider lifted his helmet slightly, so I couldn’t see his face either.

“Where are you coming from?” Phii Fah asked.

“Had some errands, you?”

“Out for fun. You’re not wearing a raincoat, you’ll catch a cold.”

“I’m beyond that.”

“Where are you heading?”

“Back to the condo, damn rain,” because of the heavy rain, I couldn’t hear him clearly, but he seemed pretty annoyed, “Where are you going next?”

“Heading back too,” Phii Fah said, “Drive carefully.”    “Yeah, you too, see you later.” Before he closed his helmet and quickly rode away on his big bike as soon as the light turned green, while cars still had to wait a bit for the one in front to move.

“Uh…is that your friend?” I asked.

“Yes.”

I watched the black big bike from earlier; he was riding so fast, and it was so scary. With such heavy rain, why would he drive that fast?

Isn’t it dangerous?

“Is something wrong?” Phii Fah asked, noticing my concerned expression.

“It’s dangerous, driving like that,” my words made Phii Fah smile slightly.

“It’s okay. That’s normal for him.”

“Oh,” I nodded in understanding, which made me even more curious about what Phii Fah’s friend was like. He seemed so different from

Phii Fah, “What’s his name?”

“Johan, why?”

“Oh, no reason. He just looks…uh.”

“Are you interested?”

“No, not really.”

“If I had to introduce a friend, Johan would be the last one I’d want to introduce,” Phii Fah said in his usual tone, not sounding distressed,

“Oh, maybe second to last.”

Introduce a friend…to me?

   “Why’s that?”

“He’s a womanizer. Even though he’s great in other ways.”    “And if…you were to introduce someone?” I asked softly, with my heart starting to beat faster for no apparent reason, and it also ached slightly at his words.

“Probably Hill.”

“Why him?”

“He’s the best.”

“You’d introduce him because he’s good?”

“Yes.”

No, Phii Fah…you are the best for me.

“Why do you think you should introduce someone to me?”    “Just saying that. I just think it would be good if there was someone to look after you, Phoon,” Phii Fah said, “And if it’s someone who will take care of Phii Fah’s little brother, Phii Fah would want them to be a good person, someone trustworthy.”

“Oh…yes.”

“If you decide to date someone, they should pass by Fan first, right?”    “Probably so.”

“Then they have to pass by me too.”

“…Yes.”

Phii Fah’s little brother…

I’ve tried to seek clarity, even though everything is already clear.

   Just getting this much…is good enough.

   When the luxury car turned into and stopped in front of my dorm, it was surprisingly dark; there wasn’t a single light on, while the adjacent dorm was brightly lit.

   Don’t tell me there’s another power outage.

   “Is there another power outage in the dorm?”

“Seems like it,” I said, looking inside with concern. I’ve only moved in a few days ago, and it’s the second time the power has gone out.

“Can you manage?”

“Uh…honestly…” I fell silent, wanting to say it was fine, but looking inside made me start shaking. I would have to walk inside, go up the stairs, and navigate the dark hallways before getting to my room. Even if I managed to get inside, I’d have to endure being in a dark room.

“Then stay with me tonight.”

“Sorry…for bothering you again.”

“It’s okay,” Phii Fah smiled before turning the car around and heading back to his condo instead, “Phoon.”

“Yes?” I responded immediately when he called my name.

“How many days have you been living here?”

“Uh, not even a month yet.”

“Is your room okay?”

“It’s…okay.”

“Do you often hear noise from the neighbors?”

“Quite often, yes.”

“What about the hot water and air conditioning?”

“The hot water doesn’t work. As for the air conditioning…it’s not very good.”

“Ah…I figured as much.”

“Why?”

“The power has gone out twice in less than a month, and the dorm next door hasn’t had any outages,” Phii Fah said in a flat tone, “Did you research the place before moving in?”

“No…Dad found it for me.”

“…Really?”

“Is there something wrong?”

“Your dad probably didn’t research the dorm well. From what I looked up, this dorm isn’t very good, even though it’s expensive.”    “Oh…” I bit my lip, feeling a pang in my chest when Phii Fah said that Dad didn’t research properly. At first, I was secretly happy that Dad had found the dorm for me, which I thought meant he still cared about me, but now, it turns out…    “You should move to a better place.”

“I can’t move; I just got here.”

“You should move. I’ll help find a new dorm for you.”

“Dad will scold me for this, I’ve already paid for everything.”

“It’s fine, I will talk to uncle myself.”

“Uh…”

I fell silent because I didn’t know what to say when Phii Fah sounded so serious. Soon after, we arrived at Phii Fah’s condo. When we got to the room, I noticed something unusual.    A hanging chair…it wasn’t here the last time I came.

   “I just ordered it,” Phii Fah explained when he saw me staring at it for a while. It was a hanging chair by the window, with a small table in front and a sofa on the other side, probably a relaxation spot.

“Can I sit there?”

“Yes,” when Phii Fah gave permission. I sat in the hanging chair by the window, and with the rain outside, it felt even more relaxing. I like it a lot, enjoying sitting here, lost in thought, looking outside like this. When I looked up slightly, I saw the sky from Phii Fah’s room’s perspective.

I didn’t get to see it last time, but the sky from here is beautiful.    It’s a pity that Phii Fah said he doesn’t like looking at the sky that much, even though it’s so beautiful from here.

“Can I have uncle’s number?”

“Huh?”

“I will try to talk about moving your dorm.”

“Well…”

“Or do you not want to move? If you don’t want to, that’s okay.”    “Yes…” Then I gave Phii Fah my dad’s number. If Phii Fah is talking about this, it must mean that the dorm isn’t good at all. Even though I don’t really want Phii Fah and my dad to talk.

Please don’t let Dad get angry…

“Hello, Uncle. It’s Tonfah.”

(Oh…Tonfah, are you well? We haven’t talked in a while, have we?)

   “I’m fine, how about you, uncle?”

(I’m fine, how are your parents?)

   “Mom and Dad are fine.”

(Really? Good to hear. So, what’s up? Why did you call me?)    “It’s about Phoon.”

(…Phoon? What happened?)

   “It’s about the dorm you chose for Phoon.”

(The dorm? Wait, did he go find you Tonfah?)

   “No, not at all. I study here too, so we met.”

(Oh…is that so? I didn’t know you were studying there.)

   “Yes, but about the dorm…”

(Hm, what about it?)

   “I think Phoon should move to a different dorm because, in reality, this one isn’t very good.”

(How is it not good?)

   “There was a murder there two years ago which made many people move out. With fewer residents, the management doesn’t care much about it anymore, so the electricity, water supply, and appliances are not in good condition. I think moving to a new dorm would be better for Phoon.”

(Murder? Oh, then why is the rent so expensive?)

   “Yes, the rent is expensive but not commensurate with the quality.”    (Then, shouldn’t we negotiate to lower the rent instead? Moving is a hassle, and I’ve already paid a hefty deposit.)

   “Phoon won’t last in that dorm, uncle.”

(Come on, he’ll get used to it. That murder was two years ago; it’s not an issue anymore.)

   “Okay, then.”

(Hmm, and did Phoon tell you anything?)

   “No, why do you ask?”

(No, please give my regards to Vich and Pa if you get a chance to visit.)

   “Sure, oh, there’s another thing, Uncle.”

(What is it?)

   “Phoon doesn’t seem well. I’m worried he might be sick. He won’t eat, and it looks like he’s not sleeping well either. Also, his mental state doesn’t seem okay.”

(Is that so?)

   “Is Phoon okay?”

(No, that’s just how he is. Normal.)

   “Is that so?”

(Yes, don’t worry about it too much, or you’ll just get a headache for nothing.)    “Okay.”

(Anything else?)

   “No, that’s all. Then I’ll hang up. Please take care of your health,

Uncle.”

(Yeah, you take care too.)

   “Okay.”

“Phoon,” Phii Fah came over to me after being on the phone for a while. I was worried about what my dad and Phii Fah talked about, but judging by Phii Fah’s expression, it seemed there wasn’t any problem.

“Yes, what did Dad say?”

“Uncle is okay, we’ll go handle the dorm change tomorrow.”    “Oh…is that so?” I said softly, how strange, my dad, “Thank you for talking to him.”

“It’s fine,” Phii Fah gave me a slight smile, “Go shower and change,

I’ll prepare some clothes for you.”

“Yes, thank you,” I thanked him again before heading to the bathroom because I didn’t bring any clothes and had to borrow some from Phii Fah. As I entered the bathroom and was about to shower…    Dad called…

I took a deep breath. Just seeing Dad’s number on the screen made my hands shake uncontrollably. It’s not often that he calls. No, he almost never calls me first.

“Yes,” I forced my voice into the phone. After hesitating for a long time whether to answer, I finally had to press accept.

(What did you tell Tonfah?)

   “Nothing.”

(Are you going to tell him about Fan? Not only will you disappoint me, but you’ll also make me lose face. What would your aunt and uncle do if they found out?)

   I was startled when Dad yelled through the phone, tears began to well up around my eyes, trying hard not to let my voice shake.

“I didn’t tell, I didn’t tell about Fan.”

(That’s good, you know if you told, you’d be hated.)

   “…Yes, hic.”

(Do you know why I distanced myself from that family?)    “Yes, because you don’t want them to know about Fan.” Just as he’s always said, Dad cares about his reputation more than anything else. After Fan died, he tried to cut off contact with Phii Fah’s family to keep Phii Fah’s aunt and uncle from finding out, preferring to sever ties completely rather than face the shame.

(And this is about you too, but you went and found Tonfah.)

   “…I’m sorry.”

(What was your intention?)

   “My intention…there was none.”

(And what did you tell Tonfah about Fan?)

   “I said…Fan is still alive.”

(Good, and there’s no need to be around them anymore, or everything will come out.)

   “If Phoon told the truth…”

(Huh?)

   “If I told the truth, hic…about Fan, do you think…Phii Fah would be angry?”

(Are you going to tell him that you killed your own sister?)

   “Ugh…I,I…no. It wasn’t…intentional.”

(Hah, enough about that.)

   “Dad…I, Phii Fah is really good to me, can I stay with Phii Fah a little longer…please?”

(…)

   “If I tell…if he tells the truth, if I don’t lie…can I stay with Phii Fah?”

(Do you want to be his burden?)

   “…”

(Go wherever you want, but don’t be a burden. Look what happened to Fan after she tried to take care of you all this time, huh? What you gave back to Fan was death, wasn’t it?!)

   I quickly hung up because I didn’t want to listen anymore. I’ve heard words like this from Dad many times, and each time, it hurt me deeply. I knelt on the floor because I couldn’t stand anymore, my hands tightly covering my mouth to stifle my sobs, tears streaming down incessantly.

“Ugh…uh, sob, uh…”

I couldn’t take it anymore, my hands and legs felt numb, my chest ached so much I wanted this suffering to stop. I couldn’t bear it.

   I…you might not love me. Even if you don’t love me, but…but please, just be a little kind to me, just a little, see me, smile at me. That’s all…    It took me a while to pull myself together, looking at my not-so-great reflection in the mirror, with red eyes and nose, swollen eyelids. No matter what, it was clear I had been crying. I soaked in hot water for a long time, hoping it would help.

   When I walked out of the bathroom, there was a small space for changing just outside the bathroom door. I saw a large t-shirt and some elastic-waisted long pants, probably what Phii Fah had prepared for me.

   I put on the oversized shirt and the long pants, tightening the elastic to fit my waist, and rolled up the pants because they were too long, before stepping out.

   “Let’s eat,” Phii Fah, sitting on the sofa, turned to tell me, with a few dishes set on the table.

“Yes, did you make this, Phii Fah?”

“No, it’s just frozen food,” Phii Fah said. I went to sit on the small sofa beside him, “Phii Fah isn’t very good at cooking, how about

Phoon, can you cook?”

“Well…a little, but not well.”

“That’s good, you can make breakfast then.”

“…Maybe not,” I said softly, unsure. I used to help Fan cook often, but I wasn’t that skilled. If it turns out not to be tasty or if it makes Phii Fah sick, it would be terrible.

“Why not?”

“I’m not confident it will turn out well.”

“Have some confidence in yourself. I will help,” Phii Fah said with a slight smile that somehow warmed my heart.

“Yes, thank you.”

“No need to thank me, let’s eat.”

“Okay,” I nodded before starting to eat the food in front of me. Outside, the rain was still pouring down heavily. Phii Fah said he would prefer to avoid frozen food if possible, wanting to take me out to eat instead, but because of the heavy rain, getting sick would be bad.

   It’s just…too much kindness, really.

   But because it’s from Tonfah, it’s not surprising.

   “Oh, Phoon.”

“Yes?”

“Fan hasn’t replied to my LINE at all, even though I took the trouble to send her photos as a report.”

“Photos?”

“Yes, from today’s outing. I sent photos to Fan to see, thinking she would be worried about you.”

“Oh…”

“That’s strange. Normally, if it’s about you, Fan would be interested right away.”

“She might not be free,” I said, clenching my lips to hold back tears because I had just cried about Fan, and hearing this made my chest tighten in a way I couldn’t describe.

“Phoon.”

“Huh, yes?” I quickly looked up, realizing I had been looking down quietly in an unusual way.

“Tomorrow, after handling the dorm transfer, shall we go buy some plants?”    “Buy plants?”

“Yes, you like plants, don’t you?”

“I do…yes, will you take me?”

“Yes, and we’ll also look into information about the new dorm, find a place with lots of space to plant many trees,” Phii Fah said while taking out the trash. I helped by clearing the empty plates from the table.

“Yes,” I nodded.

“Can I ask why you like plants?”

“Uh…they make me feel at ease, I guess.”

“Then that’s good, Phii Fah can buy some for you.”

“You’ll buy plants for me?”

“Yes, but make sure to take good care of them, every single one.”

“Yes, I will take good care of them.”

I promised confidently. I always look after every plant I grow well because I love them dearly. If the new dorm has a lot of space for planting, that would be great.

“Between plants and the sky, which do you like more?”    “Uh…” I was silent for a moment with the question Phii Fah suddenly asked, “Why ask?”

“Just asking.”

“The sky,” I answered because no matter what, I still love the sky the most.

“Because the sky is beautiful?”

“Yes.”

“It can touch the trees, it provides shelter, it makes you feel at ease.”

“…”

“But the sky…you can’t touch it, can you?”

“Yes, that’s true,” I agreed before Phii Fah went to take a shower. I decided I would sleep on the sofa tonight, so I took the liberty of grabbing a blanket that was folded on the shelf.

I mustn’t disturb Phii Fah…

“Are you going to sleep on the sofa?” Phii Fah, who had just finished his shower, came out and asked me while I was still damp. I stared blankly at the sight in front of me before quickly turning away.

This isn’t good…Phoon, this isn’t good.

My heart almost skipped a beat.

“Yes.”

“You’d be more comfortable in the bed.”

“No, the owner of the room should sleep in the bed.”

“It’s fine.”

“Let me sleep on the sofa,” I said with a worried look towards him.

Phii Fah let out a small sigh before allowing me to sleep on the sofa.

“If you need anything, just knock on the door.”    “Goodnight,” I said.

“Goodnight.”

   I gave a slight smile to the person who was about to open the door, watching as the bedroom door closed shut. Phii Fah’s words about goodnight helped me a lot; at least tonight, I might sleep more comfortably than usual.

   But the sound of the rain made me not want to sleep. I went to sit in the same hanging chair and gazed out the window again. Right…I haven’t written a letter to Fan tonight; if I don’t write, it would feel bad, like something is missing.

   I sat hugging my knees, watching the rain outside, the faint scent of Phii Fah on the shirt comforting me.

   If it’s like what Dad said…if I am really a burden. I don’t want to be like that. Thinking about it, I’ve never done anything for Phii Fah; it’s always been Phii Fah doing things for me. I might feel better when I’m with Phii Fah, but what about Phii Fah, does he feel better with me, or am I just tiring him out, making things more difficult?

   I feel so bad…

   I continued to sit, lost in thought, with a dim light from the table lamp in the room. Almost an hour had passed, and Phii Fah must have gone to sleep by now. I raised my hand to gently wipe my tears; I’ve never liked being like this, but I don’t know how to pull myself back up.

   If possible, I’d like to smile more, laugh, and be happy without having to pray for it.

   Fan…what should I do?

   Why can’t I ever find my own way?

   After a while, I heard the sound of the bedroom door opening; turning to look, I saw Phii Fah walking out. When he saw me sitting there, he looked slightly surprised.

   “Still not asleep?”

“Uh…yes. It’s just not my usual bedtime.”

“Hmm. What time do you usually go to sleep?”

“Normally…I sleep when I’m sleepy.”

My words made Phii Fah let out a laugh.

“I see,” Phii Fah reached out to lightly ruffle my hair, in a playful way, and then walked over to sit on the sofa opposite the hanging chair where I was sitting. I lifted my hand to touch my head where Phii Fah had just touched.

…Normally, phii-nong shouldn’t do this, right?

“And are you sleepy now?”

“Not yet, what about Phii Fah, not going to sleep?”

“Just came out for some water.”

“Oh, should I get it for you?”

“hmm.”

“Is there something wrong?” I raised an eyebrow in confusion when Phii Fah seemed surprised.

“The way you refer to yourself.”

“…?”

“Sometimes you say ‘I,’ other times you use your name.”

“Uh…is that strange?”

“Not at all. It just feels like when you refer to yourself as Phoon, it’s like the old days.”

“Oh…” I fell silent for a moment before saying what came to mind,

“And Phii Fah…you do the same.”

“Hmm?”

“Referring to yourself as Phii Fah…like in the old days.”

“Ah…yes.”

“Is this how you normally refer to yourself?”

“No.”

“…”

“I only speak like this with you Phoon.”

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