SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 19: I Still Want You

   I quickly picked up the jacket to look at it, but found it was very large, just as I thought.

Loose…

Super loose

When I wore it, the jacket reached down to my thighs, but not to my knees. The sleeves were much longer than my arms.

That’s right…I’ve been wondering how Phii Fah knew my shirt size. He must have bought it just in case. Whatever, it’s okay, it’s still better than being too tight.

I walked over to look in the mirror and found myself looking like a kid wearing an adult’s shirt. Damn, I felt somehow bad, why am I this small?

Why didn’t I drink milk when I was a kid, hmm? No, I did drink it, and a lot too, even took it from Fan, but I didn’t get any taller. Who said drinking milk makes you tall? Even my kindergarten teacher lied to me, T^T.

I raised my arm to take a picture for him to show how loose the shirt was; my fingers didn’t even poke out from the sleeve. But whatever, I like it. I like the things Phii Fah buys for me, even if I can’t wear it to university.

I started writing a letter and attached the evidence photo:

Thank you for the shirt, it’s really beautiful.

   But…it’s too big, (; – 😉 I’m sorry. I should have drunk more milk when I was young.

   But no matter how loose it is, I’ll wear it anyway. I really like it.

Thank you again, you’re so kind.

   …

Tonfah

   Buying him a shirt as a gift wasn’t something I planned in advance; I received a letter about something happy, so I thought I should give him a gift too, and in the end, it was a winter jacket.

   I don’t know…just imagining him wearing the jacket I bought, just the thought makes me sure it must look very cute.

   I didn’t know his shirt size, so I bought the largest one from the collection just in case. If it’s loose, it’s fine, it might even make him look cuter. Plus, I chose white because I thought it would suit him well.

   But I didn’t expect it to be this loose.

   I looked at the Polaroid photo I just took out of the bag, it was a picture of him wearing my shirt, just the arm part, where the sleeve was so long you couldn’t see his hand.

   Is he that small…

   If the sleeve length doesn’t even reach, then the shirt must be way too big for him, when worn, it might turn into a dress.

   I’ve gathered a bit more information.

   He’s probably not even 170 centimeters tall…

   “Fah.”

“Hmm?”

“Sigh, I’ve called you three times already,” Jo said, looking annoyed at me.    “What is it?”

“I asked where you want to celebrate your birthday.”

“I don’t know, up to you guys.”

“But it’s your birthday.”

“Just do whatever you guys want.”

“Okay, then we’ll leave it to the juniors,” I nodded in agreement. Tomorrow is my birthday, I hardly noticed until my friends asked where we should celebrate. I don’t accept gifts from anyone other than my four close friends because it’s too much; there are so many people giving me gifts that I can’t handle it, so I’ve refused gifts from everyone else because it’s genuinely inconvenient.

“Do you want anything?” Hill asked, “It’s always a problem every birthday.”

“Yeah. I really don’t know what to buy, but if you ask what I want for my birthday, I don’t know either,” Jo said.

“I don’t want anything,” I raised my eyebrows, “You guys don’t have to buy anything, just let’s eat together.”

“Buying something is a must,” Hill said, “It’s your birthday after all.”

“Then anything will do,” I said casually.

Now I started to wonder if ‘Little One’ knows about my birthday.

Hmm…

‘Little One’

   Calling him that is kind of cute, better than saying ‘him’ or ‘that person.’

“You,” Arthit, who was sitting next to me writing, called out with a bored tone, “Do you feel anything strange?”

“Me?”

“Someone in love,” Jo teased, “How far have you gone?”

“Well, there’s nothing,” I said, “Just chatting.”

“Aren’t you afraid he might disappear?”

“I’m scared,” I answered honestly, “but I don’t know what to do.

Even though I feel like he doesn’t want to disappear either.”    “You can’t be sure, Fah,” Hill said, “Nothing guarantees he won’t disappear.” His words made me sigh involuntarily. In truth, this matter has been quite troubling for me because, as I’ve said, there’s nothing certain between us.

“At least, for your peace of mind, he should let you get a little closer,” Johan said, “Because right now, my friend isn’t being himself at all,” and he turned to smile at Hill, who nodded in agreement. I looked at them, not understanding much.

“Have you ever felt like this before?”

“Like what?”

“Like your heart…doesn’t belong to you anymore.”

…

Typhoon

   Today is Phii Fah’s birthday…

   I’ve prepared a gift for the person from the letters. I bought a

Polaroid camera because I want Phii Fah to take pictures with me. We’ll be able to share photos every day, but I’m not sure if Phii Fah will take pictures or not. If he doesn’t, it’s okay because Polaroids take beautiful photos anyway, one day he’ll definitely use it.

   “Phoon, are you going to the birthday party?”

“Hmm?” I turned to look at Ter sitting next to me, surprised, “Me?”

“Yeah, it’s Phii Fah’s birthday, are you going?”

“Can I go?”

“Of course.”

“Uh…” I was silent for a moment, “Who’s going?”

“The doctors, me, North.”

“Oh,” I went silent, thinking it over. Should I go? If I go, would it be weird? But I want to go. Since we’ve been talking through letters, and lately, um…it seems like Phii Fah…likes…me. I haven’t dared to look at Phii Fah since because I’m embarrassed…

   Thinking about the various phrases we’ve exchanged, the chocolate Phii Fah bought for me, the messages attached to the chocolate, and the white winter jacket I just received, when I think that it’s Phii Fah who sent them, that it’s Phii Fah I talk to every day, I start to feel nervous.

   Phii Fah doesn’t know.

   But I know…I can’t help but feel nervous.

   “Do we need to buy a gift?”

“Phii Fah said we don’t have to,” Ter said, “My gift is combined with Phii Hill, North’s gift is combined with Phii Jo. Usually, doctors aren’t that keen on getting gifts on their birthdays, but other friends will buy them anyway.”

“…Oh, so do I have to buy one?”

“You can buy something small, I guess. But haven’t you already prepared a gift?”

“That one is from the person in the letter,” I said. In fact, I had wrapped the gift nicely and written a card, but Phii Gib’s shop was closed today. So, I couldn’t get anything from Phii Fah nor give him my gift, “But where are we eating?”

“Just a regular seafood restaurant. Last night, Phii Hill asked me which restaurant I wanted to go to. I was confused why he was asking me on Phii Fah’s birthday, but Phii Fah said to do whatever everyone wanted, so Phii Hill followed me, Phii Jo followed North, and North followed me.”

“…So, in the end, everyone is following you?”

“Yes, and I wanted to eat seafood, so we’re going to a seafood restaurant.”

“Okay,” I nodded to show I understood. Today, Foam didn’t come to class because he had some family business, “Is it just us going?”

“Hmm, who else would there be?”

“North’s friends?”

“North said it’s better not to. They aren’t that close to Phii Fah, so they might feel awkward, and besides, it’s not like the birthday person wants anything grand. Just a quiet meal together is enough.”

“And me?”

“You meet Phii Fah often, don’t you?”

“…But actually, it’s just…” I went quiet for a moment before realizing, “Never mind, I’ll go then, since I want to see him anyway, and I’ve decided not to run away.”

“Yeah, that’s great, but let’s go eat around eight, then we can go back to studying.”

“…Why?”

“Phoon, we’re close to exams.”

“Yeah, but like I told you, I’m going to change my major.”    “But you still have to study the high school material, right? Let’s study together; studying alone is lonely,” I nodded slightly at Ter’s words, “After the birthday party, we’ll continue studying, it’s going to be so sad.”

“Hmm, right, and where will we study?”

“At the same coffee shop you got caught in the rain, yeah, it’s raining today just like that day,” Ter turned to look out the window, where it was pouring heavily outside. It’s Phii Fah’s birthday today, but it’s raining, this rain isn’t being nice at all.

“Do we need to buy a birthday gift?”

“It’s up to you.”

“And you?”

“I’ve bought one, it’s a book.”

“Wow…but I’ve run out of money,” I said, feeling down because I just bought a Polaroid camera, which was quite an expense. Even though I have savings, I try to limit my monthly spending, and this month I’ve already gone over budget.

“Something small will do.”

“How about a notebook?” I suggested my idea.

“Yeah, that’s good, we’ll stop by to buy one later.”

“Okay.”

After class, Phii Hill came to pick us up. I asked to stop by to buy a notebook before going to the shop. Luckily, the shop had a giftwrapping service; giving a plain notebook wouldn’t look good, but the gift box for the Polaroid camera, I wrapped that myself because I intended to give it to Phii Fah today. However, as I mentioned, Phii Gib’s shop was closed, so the gift is still in my bag.

I felt a bit surprised when Phii Hill looked at me through the front mirror with a gaze that seemed suspicious, but that look quickly disappeared.

The car pulled up to a large restaurant. I thought it must be a premier seafood place, thankfully the parking lot had a roof so we didn’t get wet from the rain. When we entered, I scanned the room and saw Phii Jo, North, Phii Fah, and Phii Arthit sitting together.

“You’re late,” Phii Jo commented when he saw Phii Hill.

“Just made a quick stop,” Phii Hill replied nonchalantly. I walked over to sit at the far left, as I’m left-handed, and it was the same seat opposite Phii Fah as before.

After we had been corresponding through letters, it seemed like Phii Fah…um, likes me. I couldn’t look at Phii Fah anymore because I was embarrassed, I really couldn’t look. When I think about the messages we exchanged, my photos, Phii Fah’s chocolates, the messages that came with those chocolates, and the winter jacket I recently received…    It was like the last celebration, everyone was chatting except me, because I’m not good at talking unless it’s with someone I’m really close to. Sitting at this table, I was mostly quiet, just listening to everyone else talk, eating slowly, and laughing when something was funny.

The person sitting across from me was the same; Phii Fah didn’t talk much with others, it seemed like this was the quiet zone.

“Arthit, can I have some shrimp?” Phii Fah asked, before Phii Arthit passed the plate of grilled shrimp over to Phii Fah, who then took it and slowly peeled a shrimp, placing it on my plate like last time.

Just like before…

   I nodded slowly, a gesture of thanks, before scooping some other food or peeling some crab to return the favor.

   I looked around; it seemed like everyone noticed us but said nothing, pretending not to see and continuing their conversation. Regarding the letters, only North and Ter knew, but about us being apart for a year, I think everyone knew and was happy to not comment on it.

It seems it’s good to let it be like this…

This is good; it means Phii Fah isn’t angry or hates me, even though I’ve been so cruel to him, ignoring him, saying hurtful things, but…

“…I’m sorry for what happened before.”

I decided it was time to apologize, “I will put aside the matter of the letter person for now, leaving only Phii Tonfah and Typhoon, the relationship of phii-nong who were apart. Typhoon, who once hurt Phii Fah, Typhoon who was once cruel, despite Phii Fah always being kind to Phoon.”

   The matter with my dad is part of it. I think I shouldn’t rush anything, let everything go as it should, but now…it’s finally time…

   The time for me to apologize…

   Enough with the guilt I’ve felt over the past year.

   Enough with all the pain I’ve experienced.

   “Yes…it’s okay.”

“…”

I clenched my lips tightly and then slowly looked up at him. Phii Fah gave me a kind smile, which made me unable to help but smile back, and my heart was trembling as it always does around you.    When we were about to leave the restaurant, everyone suggested giving the gifts when we got to the coffee shop. So, we all went to the coffee shop, the same place upstairs, nothing much had changed. The doctors started taking out books to read, including us. We sat in the Japanese-style seating area, on the floor, leaning against cushions.    Everyone gave their gifts to Phii Fah, including me. I handed him the notebook I bought without saying anything; it was just a simple notebook wrapped in paper from the shop, and I had written, “Happy Birthday,” on it. Phii Fah accepted it, smiled, and said thank you.    That was it…but my heart swelled and floated all the way to Dao on Pluto.

After a while, North invited us to go downstairs to buy some food. While waiting for the food, we sat on the lower floor instead, and he took that opportunity to ask me.

“Phoon, when you apologized to Phii Fah earlier,” North asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“I didn’t think that…”

“Was it too soon?”

“Too soon, my ass. You’ve let it drag on for a year, but I didn’t expect you to apologize now.”

“Yeah, I’ve actually thought about it. I wanted to separate my issues from the person in the letters first.”

“I started explaining while gesturing to emphasize that I would separate these two states first.

“Me and Phii Fah have always been phii-nong, right? Let’s set aside the fact that I like him first.”

“Okay.”

“And when the matter with Dad came up, I had to separate from Phii Fah. But now I’ve decided, at the very least, I feel like I’ve had enough of feeling guilty, so I want to apologize.”

“Ah, and your Dad, what if your Dad finds out you’re talking to Phii Fah?’

“Um, well…” I let out a sigh, “I’ve decided that I’m not living for him.” My words made both Ter and North raise their eyebrows in unison.

“I need to apologize to Phii Fah, that’s what I should do, but I won’t tell the truth. Do you understand?”

“The truth that you’re an out of wedlock child?”

“Exactly, I won’t say I’m Dad’s mistress son because it would make Dad look bad, but I’ll go back to being close to Phii Fah like before. The reason Dad doesn’t want me to mess with Phii Fah is because he’s afraid I’ll tell Phii Fah about his cheating ways. So, I won’t tell him.

Whether Dad trusts me or not, well, that’s up to him.”

“And what about your fear that Dad will move your university?”    “If I don’t sign the withdrawal papers, he can’t do anything.” I said, sighing, “I’m about to take up photography seriously now; I won’t bother Dad anymore. If the work goes well, I should have enough money to pay for my tuition myself.”

“Seriously, you don’t have to worry about money,” North raised his eyebrows, “We can lend you some.”

“If possible, I’d rather not bother you guys,” I said, “but if the photography jobs don’t work out, there are other part-time jobs, like what you guys used to do, right? They should cover tuition and other expenses, shouldn’t they?”    “They should, but they’re tiring.”

“It’s okay,” I said, showing a smile, “This is how it should be. I need to apologize, it’s the right thing to do.”

“Got it, so as Typhoon, you want to be back in Phii Fah’s circle like before, right?”

“Right, at least to talk like we used to. Not just look at each other without really seeing.”

‘What if Phii Fah asks why you disappeared back then?’ Ter looked worried.

“I’ll say it was my fault,’ I said, because I couldn’t tell the truth about Dad, “I won’t mention Dad at all, because he doesn’t want me to talk about it.’”

“Oh, so as a mailman,

“Have you ever seen someone you already know, but secretly they like you and send snacks or letters, and then pretend nothing is different in person?” I asked, and North nodded immediately.

“Yeah, I’ve seen that with my own eyes even today.”

“Oh…” I nodded slightly, “If I and Phii Fah were to become siblings again, I’d probably do the same.”

“Oh, I see,” Ter said, “And what would a romantic relationship be like in the role of a mailman?”

“It’d be ongoing, I guess,” I replied, “But if Phii Fah knew it was me, I could only hope he’d be okay with it.”    “Okay then, why wouldn’t it be okay if it was you?”

“I don’t know,” I shook my head gently, “I can’t read his mind.”    “Yeah, an apology might be good, Phii Fah might feel better toward you.”    “…Hmm.”

“For example, when I had a fight with Ter, he made me upset, I didn’t want to talk to him anymore, but in reality, Ter secretly liked me, sending me things every day until I softened up. When I found out it was Ter sending those things, I thought, why does it have to be

Ter, why does it have to be someone I’m fighting with?”    “If it were someone you didn’t hate or weren’t fighting with, it would probably be better.”

“Yeah, then I guess I did the right thing by apologizing,” I exhaled in relief. Initially, I was a bit worried about my decision, but after North said that, I felt much more at ease.

“Let’s say you’re on the right path, you’ve come to terms with your father, if he decides to…” North waved his hand dismissively, “like abandon you.”

“I haven’t done anything wrong, I didn’t even tell him the truth.”

“…”

“If he decides to leave, there’s nothing I can do about it,” I said according to how I felt. My father and I have grown very distant, and now that I’m using my own savings instead of asking him for money, it’s made our contact even less frequent.

Whether it’s about my birth, Fan, or every issue where my father blamed me, I know he just wanted me to bear the blame, but that’s not my fault. I didn’t choose to be born, nor did I cause Fan’s death, so I won’t take the blame for something I didn’t do.

“I used to think that Mom was gone, Fan was gone, so I didn’t want to lose Dad too.

But the truth is…

   The person I least want to lose should be myself more than anyone else.

   The self that Dad will never understand because he never thought I had any value, but in reality, I still have value to myself.    I still love and respect everything about Dad, but we just walk different paths.

   Because the one who will be with us for life…is only ourselves.

   “My tears are about to fall, it’s like seeing my son grow up, you little devil,” North pretended to wipe tears while we were walking up the stairs, holding sweets and sweet drinks in our hands, “When I first met you, you were always like a deer caught in headlights.”    “Really?” I made a face as if I didn’t believe it.

“Hey, really, seeing you study veterinary medicine made me feel suffocated for you. You didn’t look happy at all, it’s good that you’ve chosen your own path now.”

“Yeah, from now on, call me for any photography jobs.”

“Okay, I’ll support you then.”

“It’s good to be strong, Cat,” Ter said. I turned abruptly to look at him because he called me “Cat,” “Seeing you like this, I know how important it is to be yourself. Look at North, he’s too much himself.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? I am who I am.”

“Yeah, you’re you, that’s good,” Ter let out a small laugh, “And the person who makes us feel like ourselves when we’re with them is also important.”

“…Yeah, that’s true.”

And with those words, the first person I thought of was Phii Fah.

“North.”

“Huh?”

“How’s this?”

“Are you still stuck on this?” Because I was reading high school physics content, and North was an engineer, he must be good at physics. So I asked him to tutor me in physics; for an engineer, this should be easy, right?”

“Again, now, how do we find the average here, do we just substitute the formula?”

“Not yet, find this damn thing first.”

“What damn thing? What are you teaching me?”

“Can you just not argue like a student?” North rolled up his notebook and tapped my head lightly, “Are you raising your voice at the teacher?”

“Wow, is this how a teacher treats a student?” I rubbed my head, then listened intently to North’s lesson again. North is really good at physics, he might say he’s not good at studying, but honestly, I think he excels in certain subjects. He doesn’t care about subjects he doesn’t like, so his overall grades aren’t great, which is why he says he’s not good at studying.

But in reality, if you’re not good, how could you get into engineering? You need a decent foundation.

“If your test scores are low, I’ll curse you, don’t make the teacher lose face,” North said, pointing at me with his pen.

“Yes,” I replied sarcastically, stealing a glance at the medical students who were looking stressed. I felt a bit sorry for Phii Fah; it’s his birthday, but he hasn’t had any rest, and he didn’t even get snacks from me today. Otherwise, at least he’d have something to snack on.    …But maybe there’s something else, or perhaps someone else bought him something.

“Our friend has no snacks today,” Phii Jo teased once the atmosphere at the table relaxed, “The coffee shop is closed, isn’t it?”    “He didn’t even eat breakfast today,” Phii Hill said. I, overhearing this, was slightly surprised; why didn’t Phii Fah eat breakfast?

“No way.”

“He usually picks up something that was left for him every morning; today, with the shop closed, he didn’t have breakfast.”

“Before, you ate at the place near the faculty, didn’t you?” Phii Jo asked.

“I’m not used to it, I guess,” Phii Fah said without looking up at his friends.

“Going to Seven Eleven to buy milk and snacks would be the same,” Phii Arthit suggested.

“It’s not the same,” Phii Fah replied, “And why are we talking about my stuff anyway?”

“You’re the most interesting topic right now,’ Phii Jo said with a teasing grin. I just realized how much Phii Fah was being teased by his friends; it made me feel embarrassed while listening in, but the sound of the rain outside was too loud, making it hard for me to hear clearly.

“The rain won’t stop, huh?” Ter remarked, “It’ll definitely be raining until tomorrow.”

“Yeah, and what about Dao?” I asked because I just remembered, “I was going to ask, I haven’t been able to contact Dao for days.”

“Dao is in the hospital.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Probably worked too hard. Didn’t eat, so he fainted,” Ter answered,

“I was thinking of inviting everyone to visit him tomorrow.”

“Wow, weak, I’ll go mock him tomorrow,” North said with a mischievous raise of his eyebrows, tomorrow Dao will surely get teased by North about not eating all day until he’s embarrassed enough not to skip meals again, which is actually a good thing.

“Yeah, I’ll go to the bathroom for a bit,” I said before getting up to use the downstairs bathroom since the ones upstairs were occupied. Initially, I was going to ask someone to walk me because I was scared of the dark, but seeing the lights were on, I figured it would be fine.    I was annoyed that there was only one bathroom downstairs, and it was outside the shop, next to the shop’s wall, where both men and women could use it because it had both a toilet and a urinal, with the sink inside. I went in and locked the door, finished my business, washed my hands, and grabbed some tissue to dry them. But while I was about to dispose of the tissue, the lights in the bathroom started flickering.

   I began to get scared because the heavy rain was outside. I took long strides towards the door, but…

   It wouldn’t open!

   Why is the latch stuck? As the lights flickered more rapidly, my heart beat faster. No. No, don’t go out, lights. I quickly turned back to the door, pushing and pulling with all my might.

   Nothing…if the latch doesn’t move, there’s nothing I can do.

   And finally, the lights went out.

   !!!

“Help! Help! Is anyone outside? Please help!” I shouted without thinking, as the darkness enveloped everything, I started losing control, crying uncontrollably.

No. No, it’s dark, it’s dark!

“Please, open the door! I can’t get out!” I shouted until my throat hurt, my heart pounding so hard I was out of breath. I felt suffocated, unable to breathe, “Hic, sob. No, hic.”

I leaned against the bathroom door because my whole body was losing strength, my hands and legs were starting to go numb, and when the sound of thunder struck, I collapsed to the floor immediately.

“Huh, sob, help…please,” I hugged my knees and covered my ears with my hands, my face wet with tears I couldn’t hold back, my mind scattering. No. No thunder. No darkness. Not anymore. Not anymore,

“Sob, huh, help me, please, open the door. Anyone…”

The sound of rain and thunder outside

And the pitch-black darkness inside where I was trapped    …I can’t take it anymore.

“Sob, help me…Phii Fah, huh, Phii Fah…help me, please, help me, I am sorry, I don’t want this anymore, please help me. No more, it’s dark, I can’t breathe, sob.”

I kept repeating apologies even though I had already said them.

   I am sorry…I am sorry, Phii Fah, please help I, don’t be mad at I, didn’t you used to protect Phoon from the darkness? Come back and help Phoon get out of here.

   “Phoon!”

I heard a knock on the door, a sound I knew well.

“…Phii, Phii Fah!”

“Calm down.”

“Phii Fah, Phii Fah, help me! huh, sob,” I was shouting, crying, banging on the door, feeling relieved, overwhelmed with joy. Just hearing that voice made me feel safe even though I was terrified.

“Unlock the door, please.”

“I can’t, I can’t remove the lock.”

“…Damn,” I heard the person on the other side of the door curse,

“Phoon, move away from the door, please.”

“…” I didn’t say anything before slowly moving away from the door as Phii Fah instructed. I was startled by two loud banging sounds before the door was forced open. I rushed towards the person who had broken through the door.

“Hug, sob, Phii Fah, Phii Fah…I am scared.”

“It’s okay…it’s okay now,” Phii Fah hugged me back, gently stroking my head. I still clung to the person in front of me, crying incessantly.

“I…ugh, I am sorry, thank you, thank you.”

“It’s okay now, Phii Fah is here.”

“Hic, sob, I am sorry…sorry for everything, Phii Fah, hic, sob, Phii Fah, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to say that, I didn’t want to hurt you at all, I am sorry, I am sorry…”

“…Shh, I understand now. Don’t cry anymore.”

“Sob, hic, all this time, hic, all this time…I, I have always felt guilty towards you, I did wrong, I…sob,” I spoke without making much sense, still crying like a child, just a child as I’d always been.    Still being Typhoon as I always was. Whether now or any time. I still needed Phii Fah. I still wanted Phii Fah by my side. Whether I

was just a weak child or if I grew up and became stronger.    On days when I felt utterly worthless in my own eyes, on days when I saw my own worth and could stand up even when the sky was dark and the rain was heavy, until the day I found the sky after the rain to be beautiful.    I still needed you…

   “Hic, sob, Phii Fah, please don’t be angry with me, I…hic, I won’t do it again.”

“Shh, I am not angry anymore,” Phii Fah gently wiped away my tears, my eyes still blurry from crying, it was still quite dark outside, all the lights around here were out, I guess. I slowly relaxed my embrace when I felt a bit better.

“Okay now?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Then let’s go back upstairs.”

“Yes.”

Phii Fah reached out to hold my hand, and I was surprised that he did so, but I didn’t want to object. I just followed him quietly.

With the warm embrace,

   With his hand holding mine.

   These touches

   I will never forget them

   Because if it weren’t for you…no one else could have such a warm embrace.    “Thank you.”

I said thank you again amid the sound of rain, which was so loud it drowned out everything else.

“Thank you too.”

The person in front of me didn’t turn to look at me, and his reply of thanks made me feel surprised…

   The rain outside still hadn’t stopped, even though it was nearly three in the morning.

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 18: Every Morning

   I looked up at the sky again, unsure how many times I had done this already today, before bringing my gaze back to the front, zipping up my jacket as I felt the air getting colder.

   Rain is about to fall…

   After receiving a call from an unfamiliar number and discovering it was my father’s new girlfriend who called, she said her name was Prae, and when she referred to herself as ‘aunt’, I decided to call her Aunt Prae.

   To be honest, I already knew her name because I used to sneak a peek at her profile on social media often, just to see how my dad’s new family was doing.

   Aunt Prae said she wanted to talk to me about something. I hesitated for a while before agreeing to meet her.

   I felt like this was something I shouldn’t avoid. I should meet her. At first, I was worried something might have happened to my dad. I immediately called Uncle-Kong, but he said dad was fine, nothing was wrong.

   I haven’t told my friends yet; I think if I told them, they would just worry for nothing. I’ll talk to Aunt Prae first, find out what it’s about, and then tell my friends. If I told them beforehand, they’d definitely come to watch over me. It’s my problem, and I need to handle it myself.

   I just want to try to face it on my own.

   No matter what it is…I will get through it.

   In a small coffee shop not far from my dorm, luckily, I arrived before the rain started. Looking outside, you could hardly see anything because of the curtain of rain.

   I walked into the shop, scanning around. There was a woman in a white dress, with short brown hair to her shoulders. On her lap lay a small child. I walked over and sat down opposite her.

   “…Hello.”

“Are you Typhoon?”

I nodded, mustering just a bit of courage to look at the person in front of me.

I don’t know why…but I could sense warmth, sadness in her eyes, and a faint smile.

“Would you like to order something?”

“Uh…yes.” I was quiet for a moment before opening the menu, ordering a hot cocoa from the staff because the weather was quite cool. After ordering the drink, my gaze lingered on the little child sleeping soundly in his mother’s embrace.

“His name is Fai. It’s been quite hectic lately, so there’s no nanny to look after him, so I brought him along.”

“Oh, I see.”

Amidst the silence between us, it’s surprising that I didn’t feel the awkwardness that should have been there, and the sound of the heavy rain outside made me feel a little more relaxed.

I lifted the cocoa that the waiter had just served and took a sip.

“Typhoon.”

“Yes?”

“Are you…okay with coming out to meet me?”

“I’m okay.”

“I…don’t know where to start,” Aunt Prae seemed to be in her early thirties, but she looked much younger, her sweet face now showing more concern, “I know it’s bad to talk about this with you.”

“…”

“You already know, right, about Rati…um, your father remarried.”

“Yes.”

“But he never told me he had a family before.” Her voice was soft with sadness, her eyes filled with melancholy, which made me feel down too, “I only found out a few days ago.”

“Aunt Prae…aren’t you okay with the fact that your Dad had a family before?”

She gave a faint smile and shook her head gently.

   Why is she such a sweet and kind woman?

   Did I imagine it, or does she resemble Fan? It’s like seeing Torfan in her thirties sitting in front of me.

   “I’m okay…as long as, at the very least, he didn’t lie and didn’t leave you like that.”

“…”

“I understand correctly, right…that he left you?”    I didn’t dare to answer, my lips pressed tightly together in discomfort. What should I do…I never thought I’d be asked this. If I tell the truth, my father would look bad in Aunt Pare’s eyes, but if I lie…

   “Can you tell me the truth…if he looked after you at all?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“I’m going to divorce him.”

“…”

“Even though our child is still so young, he…he…” Aunt Prae pressed her lips together tightly before clear tears slowly rolled down from her eyes. I was startled and didn’t know what to do, quickly handing her a tissue. She took it to wipe her tears, which woke the little one in her arms, “Oh, did mom wake you? I’m sorry.”    Normally, a child this age would cry out loudly, but this little one was silent, looking at his mother with innocent eyes.

   “What happened?”

“I found out he is dating someone else.”

“…”

The response from her made my chest ache, and Aunt Prae’s sad expression and eyes made me feel even more pain.

Dad, why would you…

“Even though…hic,” she cried harder. I reached out to hold her hand in comfort, and she squeezed mine gently back, as if needing someone to comfort her. I don’t know why, but it made me want to cry along with her.

“…”

“Even though our child…is about to start walking by herself.”    It took a while for Aunt Prae to calm down. I noticed her face looked weary and pale with concern.

   “I’m sorry, I…ended up crying here.”

“It’s okay,” I quickly said. I understood that if Aunt Prae had just found out dad was seeing someone else, especially with a young child, this must be the hardest time for a woman.

“I found out he is dating someone else; after investigating, I learned he has another son…that’s you. I hired someone to find out everything, which led me to know that he…left you alone, right?”

“…”

“Because he sold the house in Phuket, you probably don’t have any relatives left there.”

“…”

“Tell me everything, please. I…am making the most important decision of my life.”

“Yes?”

“I don’t want my child to have a bad father like that. I want to know all the truth about him. If you say he was a good father, that means he’ll be a good father to my child too. Don’t lie to me; if he was a bad father, tell me. I don’t want my child to have that kind of father.”    I glanced at the innocent young child whose big, pure eyes were looking at me. In the end, I decided to tell the whole truth.

   I couldn’t lie to her…

   I couldn’t hurt this child. I couldn’t let this unknowing child face this kind of situation.

   I told her everything…really everything, from what I remember. All the things I experienced as a child, how my father punished me, the story of Fan, the story of my mother, the fact that I wasn’t their real child, and even the current situation where my father told me to lie to Phii Fah’s family.

   Aunt Prae fell silent. She raised her hand to gently massage her temples, her face paler than before.

   “…I’ve made my decision.”

“…”

“I will divorce him.”

“Fai,” she called her child softly, then leaned down to kiss her cheek, “From now on, it will just be the two of us, mother and child.

Don’t worry, Mom will take good care of you. You don’t have to be afraid of not having a father.”

“But kids…shouldn’t they have a father?”

“I grew up in a family with a very bad father, so, when he was in the family, everything was terrible. Many times I secretly thought that if it was just the two of us, mother and child, things might be better. That made me think…”

“…”

“Being without a parent is better than having bad parents.”    Even though her words suggested she was a strong woman, the tears and the painful expression indicated that her heart was breaking.

   How many more people have to break like this…

   “But that…that’s just the past. Dad might have changed,” I said softly. Aunt Pare gave a weak smile and shook her head gently, wiping her tears.

“He still lied…and what I really can’t accept is that he has someone else.”

…That’s true, forgiving someone for cheating is really hard.    “How can I trust that man again? By doing that, it means he’s never loved anyone but himself. And what about…will he love Fai? Can he take care of Fai? Or one day, will he abandon our family even though you are also his son? How could he do that to his own child? Might he do the same to Fai one day? How can you trust him? Why is he such an unstable pillar of the family?”

“…”

“That man…he can’t be a father to anyone.”

I talked with Aunt Prae for a while longer. She decided to divorce my dad. Honestly, I think she had already made up her mind, but she just wanted to hear the truth from me. I suddenly thought about how angry dad must be if he knew I met with Aunt Prae.

   But in reality, the person he should be most angry with is himself.    Since the day Aunt Prae decided to divorce my dad, her and her child’s life would change completely, but I believe…she chose what she thought was best for her child.

   That smile was tinged with sadness but also showed determination. It’s not easy for a small woman like her, but love always makes people stronger. We don’t know how strong we can be until strength is the last thing we have.

   And the image of a mother holding her little one in her arms warmed my heart entirely.    “Do you want to hold the baby?”

“Huh?”

“Can you consider Fai as your little sister?” Aunt Prae said, giving me a kind smile, “You might not like me because I’m your dad’s new wife, but now…I feel like we might be in the same boat. We’ve both encountered a bad person. If I had known about you beforehand, I would have wanted you to live with us.”

“…You want me to live with you?”

“Yeah, how can you leave a child alone like that?”    I couldn’t help but smile at such genuine kindness.

“Can I hold him, please?” I said before taking little Fai into my arms. I love children…a lot. I hugged Fai tightly, which made Aunt Prae laugh.

My little sister…

   Her name is Fai.

   Fan

   Fun (Phoon)

   Fai

   We are siblings…

   Fan loved me even though she knew I was from a different mother.

We will love Fai just as much as Fan loved me.

   My little sister Fai!

   “Ae…Ae,” because she couldn’t speak yet, she could only make throaty sounds, but she hadn’t cried since we’ve been together, such a good kid.

“Ae, what do you want?”

What’s with this “Ae” of yours, Phoon…

   Ae, she’s cute.

   “It seems Fah likes you,” Aunt Pare laughed softly. I couldn’t help but smile broadly, “Normally, she’d cry if anyone else held her.”    I love my little sister Fah too!

   I played with the child for a while until it was time for us to part. Even though it was still drizzling, Aunt Pare had to hurry back. We exchanged LINE contacts. I walked them to the front of the shop, seeing that the car was parked a bit far away, so I walked them to the car.

   “You don’t have to walk us.”

“How can I not…you’ll both get sick,” I said, taking off my jacket to put over Aunt Prae, who held Fai tightly in her arms before we walked to the car.

“See you later, thank you for coming to meet me, and thank you for telling me everything, let’s meet again.”

“Yes. It’s okay, see you,” I smiled, and as I was about to walk back, Aunt Pare said something as if she just remembered.

“Typhoon, you told me that Rati always told you to follow his decision, right?” I nodded in response, “I believe your sister…she would want you to have more confidence in yourself.”

“…”

“You can choose your own path now.”

“…”

“Because the person who will be with you for life isn’t him, but you yourself.”

Aunt Prae’s words before we parted have been echoing in my head for nearly ten minutes. I came back into the same cafe because the rain was still falling, and I didn’t feel like rushing back. I sat staring at the empty coffee cup as evidence that someone had been there.

Choose your own path…

I think that word doesn’t just refer to the matter with my dad…    I took out my phone and started searching for information about university faculties, looking for photography-related departments, researching new admission tests.

The path I’m choosing now isn’t mine…it’s been a struggle to keep going. I never wanted to be a veterinarian. I never wanted to be a doctor. That’s why I haven’t been doing well academically in the veterinary faculty for the past year.

But if I leave here, I’ll have to be far from my friends.

No…I’m confident everyone would support me in following my own passion.

I was lost in thought for nearly half an hour, staring blankly at the continuous drizzle outside amidst the noisy cafe. The truth is, I’ve never hesitated to say what I like. I’ve known from the start what I wanted to be, but I chose to ignore it.

Thinking about it…I’ve been quite cruel to my own passion.    Today is a holiday, and it’s raining too, around ten in the morning. I guess my friends are probably not awake yet; it’s too early to wake up on a rainy holiday. I really wanted to tell them about Aunt Prae.

I typed into the group chat that I had something good to share. As soon as the message was sent, it showed that one person had read it.

-dust-:. Who read it? Why are you up so early?    ss:. It’s me.    ss: I haven’t slept yet.    ss: It’s almost ten in the morning.

   -dust-: Go to sleep    ss: What is going on cat?    -dust-: I’ll tell you all at once later

   -dust-: Go rest first    ss: No    ss: Tell me    ss: We want to know first

   Then Daotok called. I looked slightly surprised before answering, the voice on the LINE sounded tired, but we were used to it by now. North said that Daotok is like Phii Jo in the sense that they are both workaholics, even when sometimes the work isn’t urgent, but due to their habit of overworking. I’ve seen Daotok look exhausted often, especially these days he probably hasn’t rested much at all.    Why push yourself so hard, especially when you’re so small, you’d probably fall over just from walking around.

“Are you going to sleep first?”

(The work isn’t done yet.)

   “And you can still talk?”

(Yes, I can. I’m taking a break, my eyes are so tired.)

   “Oh…don’t drink coffee anymore.”

(…Hmm, cat.)

   “What?”

(No one has ever told me not to drink coffee. I’m happy.)

   “Here I am telling you not to, don’t drink too much.”

(You’re so kind, cat.)

   “What’s so kind about it? It’s normal.”

(Not normal, the cat is very kind, do you realize that?)    “…Really?” I raised my eyebrows in disbelief; I’ve never heard anyone say something like this to me before. We talked for a while before Dao brought the conversation back to my good news. I told Dao with an excited, happy tone.

(You really have a kind heart.)

   “Why?”

(Think about how many people would love their step-sibling, especially with a stepmother. Normally, people would hate it if their parents had another family.)

   “Oh…that’s true, but I don’t see it that way at all.”

(You’re such a gentle cat.)

   “…Gentle?” I said, feeling a bit embarrassed. Daotok is quite a gentle guy to me, his words are all so sweet. He once said his family taught him to speak this way; if he said anything rude, he’d get his hand smacked. North was the first person Dao ever used rude words with, but over time, Dao liked to tease North more by speaking politely.

Because North, if spoken to politely, would be at a loss for what to do, like he’s been rough all his life…

But in reality, Daotok isn’t friendly at all. Not one bit…If it weren’t for people like Ter and North, who are good at socializing, Daotok probably wouldn’t have joined us. When he’s with us, Dao only cares about our group; he hardly speaks a word to anyone else.

North once said that Dao is his complete opposite, which everyone agrees with. How dare you compare yourself to Dao, but Dao really likes North. Dao said he’s not much of a talker, but when he met North, he spoke even less because North talks too much.    (It’s good that Aunt Prae is a kind person, and good that she could get away from that man.)

   “Yeah, I hope everything gets better,” I said, “I’m thinking about changing my major.”

(Are you going to study photography?)

   “Probably, I’ve been hesitating my whole life, but I’ve decided now.

Even though I’ll miss being with my friends…”

(Don’t say that, we’ll still be friends no matter where you study.)    “Hmm…” I couldn’t help but smile faintly, warmth swelling up in my heart.

(Cat, you have gotten stronger.)

   “Why?”

(Back when we first met…cat, you seemed very attached to Ter, Foam, and North. It was like friends were you smile, you needed friends to be happy, but now you can choose your own path. Not putting others before yourself like before.)

   “Yeah…finally choosing my own way, but I still want to have everyone.”

(The cat already has everyone, everyone loves the cat. We love you, cat, too.)    “I love you too.”

I don’t even know where the tears came from or why, but all the warmth I felt from talking with Aunt Prae to now talking with Daotok, I couldn’t help but cry.

   But these aren’t tears of pain like before; this is the first time I genuinely feel like thanking myself…thank you for being strong, thank you for deciding to keep fighting on that day, thank you for not giving up, no matter what.    Thank you, Typhoon…

   (Do your portfolio, put in lots of the beautiful photos you’ve taken. You’ll definitely pass the interview.)

   “That’s true, I’m excited thinking about showing my own work.”

(Applications open in December too, it’s not long now.)

   “Is it nationwide? Then I’ll apply.”

(Yes, I’ve chosen it as my top choice, I definitely will get in, my scores from previous years weren’t that high.)

   “Great, I guess I’ll have to go back and review the high school material.”

Dao and I chatted on and on. Now we were talking about studying photography or taking photos; my university has a department related to photography.

(Hmm, yes…What about Phii Tonfah then?)

   “Why?”

(Well…what will you do next? With the matter of your father…)    “I feel like this is okay now,” I said according to my true feelings, “I think it’s not because of my father’s command, but because I love him more. I choose to do this because of love.”    you

“And suddenly, if I were to walk up to Phii Fah and tell him, it wouldn’t work, would it?”

(Yeah, that would look really weird.)

   “Right, just suddenly walking up and saying, ‘Bro…I’m the one from the letters, I’ve been doing this because my dad told me to, in reality, my dad is like this and that…’ It wouldn’t be good.”

(…Hmm.)

   “I’ve chosen my path, I want to study photography. As for the matter with my dad and Phii Fah…I think it’s better for everyone if things progress slowly rather than us getting too close too fast. And in the role of the person from the letters, if one day the truth has to come out, by then, I won’t be afraid.”

(I understand, it’s better to take things slowly. Some things have their own time, don’t rush anything.)

   “Yes…let our relationship grow slowly like this.”

I glanced at the Polaroid photo in my hand, a picture of a blooming pink flower in a pot, with a message written in black ink under the picture, “The flower I planted, it’s blooming beautifully, (^_^).”    I couldn’t help but smile at the description of the photo. This is the first time he’s sent me a picture of something other than the snacks I’ve bought. As I mentioned before, I’ve asked about him, but he never answered.

   But at least now I know he grows flowers, and he might be someone who likes gardening. Looking at how he’s managed to grow such a difficult flower to such beauty.

   But why send this picture? I thought he wouldn’t send anything other than snacks.

   This is something personal to him, there’s no need to send it at all. Does it mean he wants me to get a little closer to knowing who he really is?

   One thing I’ve noticed is that he’s good at photography too. Up until now, it’s just been pictures of the snacks he’s eaten. No need for special angles, but looking at this flower picture…

   He likes taking photos.

   There’s a possibility he might be a photographer. Polaroid cameras are used by many, but someone who can make a Polaroid look this good must be quite skilled, which means he’d be even better with other types of cameras.

   And with Polaroids, you can’t adjust the color, so up until now, I’ve only taken photos of snacks, probably just in the room. But with flowers, you have to go outside to take pictures. With this much light, you need to take photos when the sun is strong, at the balcony where the sunlight comes in directly. This would be difficult, more like shooting outdoors.

   Grow them yourself? But not on the balcony?

   There was one letter he sent where he briefly mentioned his dormitory, just saying that it’s been very hot there lately. Lives in a dorm…but doesn’t grow plants on the balcony?

   …On the rooftop?

   Then I guessed that someone who seems to love growing plants like him must have a rooftop full of plants. But…usually, rooftops are used for storage. Why would the dorm owner allow this?

   I stared at the photo in my hand while my mind wandered aimlessly. I’m not trying to find him; I’m just analyzing the information I’ve received.

   This kind of light and shadow…

   It looks like it was taken early in the morning or late in the evening. No, it’s probably morning. Looking at how beautifully the flowers have bloomed, he might have a habit of waking up early too, waking up to take care of his plants before getting ready for school…

I moved the pots and watered the plants in a good mood. I woke up early again today. I’ve been up since early morning to tend to my plants. Since my balcony doesn’t have enough space for all my plants, I asked the dorm manager if I could use the rooftop, seeing there was still some empty space. Because of the kind-hearted dorm manager, she allowed it.

   I glanced at the array of flower pots lined up in front of me, like a small garden just for me.

   One decision I made after meeting Aunt Prae and talking with

Daotok was…I won’t hide information about myself anymore if Phii Fah wants to know. As I’ve said before, Phii Fah did ask a few questions, but I didn’t answer. But now, I’m confident that if one day the truth must be revealed, I will accept it myself.

   But I won’t rush it by telling the truth; it would definitely not be good for my father. I still love and respect him. I will let everything unfold naturally.

   Regarding my decision to switch to studying photography, I’ve already decided and applied for the exam. From now on, I’ll need to go back and review high school material to prepare for the exam. But finals are coming up at my current faculty as well, so I’ll probably focus more on preparing for the transfer exam rather than finals. Trying to study for both would surely be disastrous. There are only a few months left before the transfer exam.

It made me remember what Phii Fah once told me, that I should study what I love, and how Phii Fah said he wanted me to believe in myself, those words still echo like and echo in my head.

   Phii Fah is another person…who has made me brave enough to do something for what I love.

   I talked with Aunt Prae; she’s still working, and becoming a single mother has thrown her off a bit. Aunt Prae said she didn’t come from wealth, just an ordinary office worker.

   I started thinking about what I should do for my little sister. At least, I want her to go to a good school, meet good friends, and experience a good environment. But Aunt Prae probably can’t handle all the expenses by herself.

   I need to work…I guess I should seriously think about taking on photography jobs.

   Or should I play the lottery with North?

   No, Phoon. No, don’t let North control you.

   I feel more foolish every day since I’ve been hanging out with North, damn it.

   I took out my Polaroid camera, thinking about what to photograph for Phii Fah today. It’s become something where I at least have to send him one photo a day. Before, it was just pictures of snacks, but now, I’m taking all sorts of pictures. I don’t even know if Phii Fah likes them; he never mentions my photos.

Suddenly, a bird landed on the roof’s floor. I slowly crouched down to take a picture of it. It flew away in a flash because Polaroids can’t capture fast-moving subjects like digital cameras can, so the picture came out a bit blurry, but at least I managed to take it before the bird took off.    …

To…you, 

   This bird just landed, looking hurried. It probably hasn’t had breakfast yet, but it can’t compete with you since you’ve already had yours!

   -. I’m not sure if you like the photos I take for you. If you don’t, you can tell me, haha.

   -. I’ve just made an important decision in my life. Although I can’t say what it is, thinking of you gives me more courage, so I want to thank you.    Thank you: )

   I couldn’t help but smile to myself when thinking about the letter I just sent. Phii Fah probably couldn’t guess what it’s about. There are so many important things in life, but thinking about him gave me more courage as I mentioned. So, I wanted to thank him.

“Phoon, do you know?”

“Know what?”

“The chocolate Phii Fah sent you, it’s 17, 000 baht!”

“Huh? Really?” I looked shocked, almost not believing what Ter was saying, “Seventeen thousand!?”

“Yeah, look at this,” Ter said, showing me his phone screen, which displayed a picture of the same chocolate box Phii Fah gave me, with the price underneath written as five hundred fifty dollars.

…Oh, no.

   Where am I supposed to find that much money to buy it back? T^T    “I thought you knew already,” North said, “He gave you the chocolate ages ago, I was surprised you didn’t react.”

“How was I supposed to know?”

Seventeen thousand, really! Why would he buy something so expensive for me, and why was it so delicious, T^T

   “Do you know, there’s something called Google in this world?” Ter asked, looking annoyed at me, “Didn’t you think to search for it?”    “How would he know about Google, Ter?” North chimed in, “He’s still writing letters these days. Now there’s LINE, you know.”

“…”

I gave North an annoyed look; you’re really good at teasing.    “Here, this is the LINE app, Phoon, you can send messages super fast. You don’t have to wait from morning till evening to chat, you can send photos too. No need for Polaroids, you can call or video call, see each other’s faces, look, your phone has a camera, you can open it and talk,” North said, showing me the LINE app.

“I know!” I said, lowering my voice, which made North laugh out loud, “You talk like I’ve never used LINE before.”

“Alright, I thought you didn’t know, oh well, seeing you send letters. Why don’t you try carrier pigeons? That would let you chat more often, have the pigeon deliver it, and you can sit by the window waiting for the mail from the pigeon.”

“North!!” I shook him in frustration, why is this bastard so annoying?

“Why so violent, huh? There are laws in this country, you know,” North said with a frown, looking annoyed, “Do you see me as your emotional punching bag? I have two younger brothers to take care of,” North said in a whining voice because I was shaking him playfully.

“Yeah, speaking of siblings. You, Ter, and Dao, look at this.”    “What do you mean by ‘you, Ter, and Dao’?” North raised an eyebrow.

“You guys,” I pointed at Ter and North, “and here’s Dao,” I pointed at Dao. North immediately pretended to glare at me while pointing back at me.

“You’re so discriminatory,” North said, “Why don’t you include the

‘ghost under the bed’ with us?”

“We’re different groups.”

“Why? What’s that supposed to mean?” North stood up and reached over to ruffle Dao’s hair, who got startled and jumped, “See, see, see,

I’m going to hurt your Dao, haha.”

“It’s like you’re a troubled kid, so when you get scolded, you bully another kid,” I said, laughing a bit. Daotok frowned but let North continue to ruffle his hair. When North stopped, Dao slowly smoothed his hair to keep it from standing up.

“Yeah, here’s my sister,” I showed them a picture of Fai. I had already told everyone about her, but I hadn’t shown them her picture yet, “Isn’t she cute?”

“She’s good, but my nephew is cuter,” North said, showing a picture of Non, he’s just as proud as I am, “Pure and innocent, kids are truly like blank canvases.”

“What’s your sister’s name?” Ter asked.

“Fai.”

“Oh, she’s a pure Fai,” North said, “One hundred percent cotton.”    I couldn’t help but laugh at North’s words, yeah, one hundred percent cotton indeed.

   “But why ‘Fai’? It matches with you and your sister’s names.”    “Her mom’s name is ‘Prae’, so her daughter is named ‘Fai’,” I answered, “But when I think about having a little sister, it makes me uneasy, what if someone tries to flirt with her?”

“Take it easy, your sister can’t even walk yet,” North said, making a face of disgust at me.

“You need to plan ahead for these things. If Fai gets flirted with since kindergarten, I won’t allow it, hahaha. What will I do if Fai gets deceived by someone? Fai, this brother, this brother will protect you!” “Sigh, my friend has turned into a slave for Little Fai.”    I hurried to the coffee shop when I saw that it was about the time when there weren’t many people around. Phii Gib smiled at me kindly as always and handed me a large white paper bag.

   Why is the bag so big…

   I thanked her and took it, then rushed back to the dorm to open it.    Inside was a white winter jacket, neatly packed in the bag. I didn’t know what brand it was, but it looked very expensive.

   Did Phii Fah buy me a winter jacket…

   I placed the folded jacket on the bed, looking for other things in the bag; there were lots of snacks in another bag, and there were two pieces of paper. The first one said…

I don’t know what good news you have, but congratulations.

   Consider this jacket as a gift for that good news.

   I smiled even broader when I read the message on the paper. I had only told Phii Fah about it yesterday, which means Phii Fah would have received the message in the morning, so he must have bought this jacket just now.

And the second piece of paper said…

Don’t worry that I won’t like the photos.

   I treasure every photo you take.

   Because your photos are like a gift to me every morning: )

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 17: Hot, Coffee, and Peach Tea

   “What’s up with that?”

“Chocolate for 17,000 baht.”

“Seriously, is that really that strange? What’s so unusual about chocolate worth 17,000 baht?”

…

This is something I didn’t really want to happen, but it had to happen…I knew they would find out, and most importantly, the one waiting to tease me the most is Johan.

“Isn’t 17,000 baht for chocolate strange? Does that mean anyone can buy it for you?”

“Come on, if a friend says they don’t like it, they don’t like it. Why are you pushing Fah about this? I already said I don’t like him, and the

17,000 baht for chocolate from France is just a gesture of goodwill,” Jo said teasingly, his eyes twinkling with mischief.

Johan, when you…I hardly ever see you tease anyone like this.

I let out a small sigh in secret.    “Such an overflow of goodwill, Fah.”    Hill…you’re just as bad.

“Sigh, is it too much for chocolate?” I asked, furrowing my brows. I’ve never courted anyone before. When I asked Tit to buy it, he didn’t say anything.

“It’s not. It’s normal,” Jo shrugged, “If you like him.”

“Oh.”

“Seriously Fah, what’s up with you?”

“I like him, so what?”

“That simple, huh?”

“Yeah, why?”

“How much do you like him?”

“I like him. I don’t know. Don’t know how to measure how much I like him,” I said quietly while my gaze didn’t leave the pile of work in front of me. In the end, I had to help Tit with his work because I’m soft-hearted; if I didn’t help, he’d surely end up studying with the juniors.

“When asked how much you like him, the answer is 17,000,” Hill said with a slight raise of his eyebrow, “If it was Jo, I wouldn’t be surprised, but since it’s you, I am.”

“I just wanted to buy it for him. It’s nothing.”

“You like him that much, Fah?”

“How much?”

I asked back. They fell silent. I looked up to see all three of them looking at me with slightly bewildered eyes.

“Where did you get seventeen thousand from?” Hill asked.

“Savings, I don’t really spend on anything anyway.”

“Do you regret it when you buy it?”

“No.”

“Do you normally buy chocolate this expensive?”

“No,” I shook my head before going quiet, “Ah…even if I say I like him enough to give something I’ve never had myself…that’s right, isn’t it?”

“Yeah…something like that.”

“Well, if he gets to eat something good, that’s good, isn’t it? Plus, he seems to like it.”

“You like him that much, Fah,” Jo said, “Enough to prioritize him over yourself.”

“Have you ever thought about what would happen if that letter disappeared?”

“…”

“What are you asking, Hill? Our friend is already wilting, there is not a letter for him this week,” Jo retorted.

Yes…no letter from that person for one week, when normally they would come every two or three days. I didn’t know what happened, but it had a considerable impact on me, like something was missing. I had secretly thought about what I would do if he suddenly disappeared, but when it actually happened, I didn’t know what to do either.    Everything depended on him…whether he would send me a letter or not, but at least, if I could know something about him, it would be nice.

   “Can someone really like someone they’ve never seen?” Arthit, who had been quiet for a while, raised his eyebrows to ask, “You don’t even know his name.”

“I’ve never thought about that,” I replied, “I don’t care about his looks or his name. As long as he’s the person from the letters, that’s okay.”

“So, you talk and feel like you get along?”

“Hmm…yeah.”

“You don’t even know his name. Aren’t you going to ask?”    I shook my head.

“To be honest, there’s nothing stable between you two,” Jo said while raising his hand to his chin, glancing over at me, “If he decides to disappear, he could do it easily, right?”

“…”

Jo’s right about that…

   “You say he’s cute, do you think you’re the only one who sees his cuteness?”

Jo’s words made me stop writing immediately.

   “If his handwriting is that cute, imagine how many people would be all over him in person.”

“…”

“If one day he realizes that someone close to him is more tangible than someone through letters, he’ll disappear from you, and you won’t have any right to go after him.”

“I don’t know how much he likes you because I don’t know him, but you, Fah, you like him this much, are you just going to let things stay like this between you two?”

Johan is trying to mess with my head.    And…he’s succeeding.

   “Tonfah, someone’s here to see you.”

The call from a girl in the class made me turn to look, so I quickly got up and went outside the room. As soon as I stood up, my friends at the table looked at each other.

I must have looked very flustered.

Whatever.

I paused slightly when I saw who was standing outside, and a sense of disappointment arose without me realizing it.

“Someone asked me to give this to you.”

“…”

“Phii Fah?”

“Uh…yes. Who sent it?”

“He didn’t say, he just asked me to tell you to enjoy it.”

“Oh…I can’t, please apologize to him for me.”

“Ah, come on…just take it, my friend really likes you, you know.”

“I really can’t accept it, sorry.”

“…Okay.”

I averted my gaze and walked back into the room, not quite used to seeing the disappointed looks of others, the best choice was not to look, before returning to sit in the room as before.

“Wasn’t it him?” Jo asked.

I shook my head.

“You look so disappointed,” the other teased again, “It’s been a week since there’s nothing sent. What now?”    I shook my head again.

“Normally, you accept things others send you, why not this time?

I’m getting hungrier,” Arthit said, making a sour face.

“I think it’s not right to accept,” I said.

“You’re just waiting for snacks from one person,” Hill teased. “What if he’s changed his mind about you?” Arthit asked.

I didn’t answer.

   I don’t know why…but my feeling tells me it wouldn’t be like that.

   Just like I wouldn’t be like that either.

   “Something urgent might have come up,” Hill suggested in a calm voice, “Maybe he’s sick.”

…

Typhoon

   “How are you feeling now?”

“I’m feeling better.”

“Good, take lots of rest. We brought some fruit for you.”

“Thanks.”

We talked for a while before excusing ourselves to go outside. Me, North, Ter, Dao, and Foam walked out of the patient’s room together, chatting along the corridor.

   “Bobby, dude, why did you get hit by a car right before exams?” North said, looking worried. The person lying in the hospital room we just visited was Bobby.

   Bobby is a friend of a friend of North, and importantly, Bobby is one of the cupids who deliver things to Phii Fah. Bobby had an accident and has been in the hospital for several days now, and the doctors only allowed visitors today. I rushed over when I heard the news because, in one way or another, he’s someone I’ve inconvenienced.

   Bobby isn’t the one who directly delivers things to Phii Fah, but he’s one of the people in the chain of delivery. North has set up a very complex delivery system.

   “The cupid’s got a limp, what do we do now?” North said with frustration, “We can’t have Arthit delivering letters to Phii Fah.”

“Yeah, that’s true…”

“Do we have to wait for Bobby to recover?” asked Ter, “Man, that’s going to take months.”

“Exactly.”

“We need to change the plan,” Daotok said, “Otherwise, our points will go down.”

“Hmm?”

“This is our rising period, and Phii Fah seems to really like the cat now. If it suddenly disappears, our score will definitely drop.”    “Right, you’re correct,” North agreed, “But I can’t just find another cupid either. Do you understand the delivery process? It’s like a chain.

Now the chain is broken.”

“So what’s the latest we talked about?” Ter turned to ask.    “There’s nothing special,” I said honestly, “But with finals coming up, I’ve stockpiled a lot of snacks. Haven’t given any yet.”    “I wonder how Phii Fah would feel about this, it’s kind of a test of patience,” Foam said, “If Phii Fah gets anxious, that’s a good sign, right?”

“I don’t want to test him,” I said, frowning slightly, “Even if he doesn’t miss me, I feel uncomfortable not taking care of him, especially with the exams coming up.”

“That’s good,” North said calmly, sipping his blended green tea,

“Don’t test him then, let’s brainstorm what to do next instead.”

“Hmm…Is Tonfah a curious person?” Suddenly, Daotok asked. We all shook our heads, “Then we can place it somewhere and take turns picking it up.”    “Oh…but where?”

“Somewhere where no one will see.”

“Where would that be?” North said, “People are everywhere, and if it’s on the building, the janitors will take it.”

“But if it works, it’s good, right? Like, the cat puts it down in the morning, and Tonfah picks it up in the evening.”

“And what if they accidentally meet? Isn’t it too risky?” Foam raised his eyebrows.

“No, Tonfah isn’t the curious type, right? If we agree that he has to go at this specific time, he won’t peek. Besides, if he really wanted to know who it is, he would have known long ago because he respects the person in the letters.”

I nodded slightly in agreement. I had thought about it many times; if Phii Fah really wanted to know who the letter writer was, it wouldn’t be hard, but Phii Fah chooses not to investigate because he thinks of others first. If someone says they don’t want to be known, Phii Fah won’t pursue it.

   “It should be okay, but won’t it be too much trouble for Phii Fah to go pick it up?”

“Are you that considerate of him?” Foam raised his eyebrows to ask.

“Well, yeah.”

“Let’s pick somewhere close,” Dao said, going quiet as he seemed to be thinking, “Is there any place around the medical faculty where you can put something without anyone seeing?”    We went quiet…how could there be such a place?

“Uh…what if it’s the coffee shop in the medical building?”

“North, what are you talking about, how could that work?”

“I know the owner, we can ask him to join our plan.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. If not, do you have any other ideas?” North’s question made Ter go silent, “The shop owner is nice, she’ll definitely help us. Plus, your stuff will be safe; if you leave it somewhere else, someone might take it.”

“Hmm…it might be good,” I said, still not entirely convinced,

“Otherwise, I can’t think of anything else.”

Since we can’t entrust the delivery to someone anymore, this might be the only way. Leaving it somewhere else would be risky; it could get lost or seen by others, and the janitors clean the medical building thoroughly every day.

We went to the coffee shop in the medical faculty building that North told us about. At first, I was surprised to see a coffee shop in the building, but it seems like it’s doing quite well.

“North, with this many people coming into the shop, will it be okay?”

“That’s why it’s good; with lots of people coming and going, no one will be suspicious. You can just casually buy coffee or chat with the shop owner.”

North introduced us to the shop owner. Her name is Phii Gib, and she’s as nice as North described, and she’s quite close to North. When North started explaining our plan to Phii Gib, she widened her eyes in surprise.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes,” I said with a dry smile.

“Wow, not ordinary at all, are we? You’re Typhoon, right?” Phii Gib reached out and pinched my cheek playfully. I’m not used to getting my cheeks pinched, so I felt a bit stiff, “You really look like a sleepy cat.”    “Uh…”

“So, you want me to keep your stuff, and wait for Dr. Fah to come and get it, and if Dr. Fah leaves something, I should keep it until you come to pick it up?”

“Yes…would that be too much trouble?”

“Not at all, actually, it’s exciting. I’ll get to play matchmaker, and besides, it’s Dr. Fah we’re talking about. I’ll get to see him more often this way.”

“She’s a fan of Phii Fah,” North whispered.

“I’m a fan of all handsome guys,” Phii Gib said, giving North a light pinch on the cheek, “So, what’s the story? Tell me, do you like each other? And why the letters?”

“It’s complicated,” I said with a dry smile. Phii Gib pouted slightly but didn’t ask any further questions.

“Oh, okay. No need to ask, just know that I’ll help. Wow, I’m kind of jealous, Nong Ter is dating Doctor Hill, Nong North is with Doctor

Jo, and now the cat Phoon might be Doctor Fah’s boyfriend too.”    My heart skipped several beats at those words from the person in front of me.

…Boyfriend?

   Boyfriend!?

   “And what about Doctor Arthit’s boyfriend?”

“…?”

“I think it must be fate, so the next one must be Doctor Arthit’s boyfriend,” Phii Gib said playfully, pointing back and forth between Daotok and Foam.

Foam furrowed his brows, looking surprised, but Daotok kept a blank face, seemingly uninterested in Phii Gib’s teasing.

“I think it’s better if Fah comes in the morning, since Fah studies around here, right? He’ll come early so fewer people will see, but actually, Fah often stops by to buy coffee from my shop in the morning, and then Phoon can come in the evening, sit around, support my shop a bit, it’ll look natural. Really, no one would suspect. Who would bother noticing something like this?”

“It’s true. Who would suspect? It’s like you come here every day, and there are lots of people from other faculties too, just say that Phii

Gib’s coffee is so good you have to come every day.”

“Say what? It’s actually very delicious,” Phii Gib retorted, making me laugh, “So, have you agreed with Fah already?”

Oh, right. We’ve made all these plans, but we haven’t talked to Phii Fah yet, and we don’t even know if he’ll agree.

“It’s like we’re starting over from one,” Daotok said, putting down his hot coffee. We were still at Phii Gib’s coffee shop, sitting down again to discuss what to do.

“Sigh, it’s so complicated,” North said with annoyance, “The point is how we’re going to tell Phii Fah that we’re changing how we send the letters, right?”

“Hmm. Just tell him once, the first time.”

“Can’t we leave a message?” I asked, “Phii Gib said Phii Fah stops by for coffee often.”

“Oh…yeah,” North squinted at me and gave an annoying smirk, “You write the letter and leave it here, in case Phii Fah comes tomorrow.”

“We’ll have to leave it to fate whether Phii Fah comes or not,” Ter said casually, “Make sure you coordinate well with Phii Gib, okay?”    “Hmm…just a bit,” I accidentally exhaled after sipping some sweet drink.

“Are you not feeling well?”

“My throat hurts a little.”

…

Tonfah

   To…you

   I apologize for not contacting you for so long; the person who was supposed to deliver things isn’t available anymore. So, I’ve asked Phii Gib for help. I hope it’s not too much trouble for you to come to the shop every morning for your things. If it’s not convenient, that’s okay, but I still want to keep talking to you like before.    It’s almost exam time, so please take care of your health, the weather has changed a bit. I haven’t been feeling too well myself.    I’ve ordered you a hot coffee too (because Phii Gib said you come in the morning), the morning should be perfect for hot coffee, but please don’t order more, one cup is enough.

   

   “Did he leave anything else besides this?”

“No, just the hot coffee he asked for, here,” Phii Gib said, handing me the cup of hot coffee. I gave a small smile as I took it.

I folded that piece of paper and put it in my pocket.

   Why do I feel this warmth in my heart right now?

   Oh…right.

   Because of him.

   Because he’s back.

   🙂

   “Doctor.”

“Yes?”

“Do you want to find out who he is?”    “No,” I said, shaking my head.

“Hmm, good, then I won’t feel awkward. If you get curious and start pressing me for information, I’d be in big trouble,” Phii Gib said cheerfully, “But I can give you a little hint.”

“What is it?”

“He’s a very nice person.”

“Oh…”

“Why are you smiling like that?”

“I already knew that.”

“If you want to meet him, just wait for him in the evening,” Johan said while still staring at the white paper in front of him.

“No, thanks.”

“Why don’t you want to know that much?”

“He doesn’t want me to know, so what’s the big deal?” I said, “Shouldn’t I think about his comfort first? If he finds out I’m trying to find out who he is, he’ll definitely feel uncomfortable.”

“You could at least ask a little about him, so you’re not completely clueless.”

“I’ve asked,” I said. I had subtly asked him a bit about himself because I wanted to know more about him, but he didn’t respond, completely ignoring my question, making it clear that he didn’t want me to know any details about him.

“And he didn’t answer?”

“Uh-huh, it’s fine, I’m okay with it like this.”

“Well, it’s up to you then. And what’s that? Buying stuff to fill up the place?”    “No.”

“Then what?”

“He’s sick.”

“Oh, he’ll recover until the next life for sure.”

…

Typhoon

   “Uh…” I looked blankly at the white bag with the pharmacy logo on it. After I sent the first letter (through the coffee shop), I was still waiting to see if Phii Fah would reply, and in the end, he did reply and even sent something back.

Great…we’ll be able to talk like before.

“Are you sick?” Phii Gib asked after seeing me with a mask on.

“A little.”

“Take care of your health then.”

“…Oh, thank you,” I reached out to take the white bag in front of me, chatted with Phii Gib for a bit, and then took the bag back to my dorm. The bag was quite heavy.

When I opened it, I found it was full of medicine…all medicine, along with a folded piece of paper.

To…the sick one

   I wasn’t sure what your symptoms are, so I bought medicine for every possible condition. Take care of your health, please:)    I took out all the medicine to look at it. There was a handwritten note from Phii Fah, detailing which medicine to use for which case, very detailed, explaining how to observe your symptoms so you wouldn’t take the wrong medicine.

I think many times when I’ve been sick, I might have taken the wrong medicine, but not this time for sure.

It’s like having a clinic right at my fingertips, as long as the medicine doesn’t expire. I’ll be taking the medicine from this bag for a while, definitely.

He even wrote a note at the end:

(Don’t worry. I asked my aunt, who is a pharmacist, for advice on what medicine to buy and asked about the specifics of use.)

   If your condition doesn’t improve within one day, I recommend seeing a doctor, and if there’s an emergency, you can call me.    Phii Fah went to get advice from his aunt too? Honestly, I don’t question why Phii Fah bought medicine for me, but knowing this made me think he’s even more adorable.

   Plus,

   He left his number…

   So cute…

   Really cute.

   If it weren’t for the fact that it’s medicine…I would have eaten it all!

   “Are you better now?” Ter asked, “That was fast.”

“I’m better, the medicine is good.”

“What medicine?”

“I won’t tell.”

“Right.”

“Ter, if someone gives you their number, what does that mean?”

“I don’t know, they probably want you to call them.”

“Really?”

“Why the big smile, did Phii Fah give you his number?”    “Yeah,” I nodded slightly.

“Really? Through the letter?”

“Yeah, I said I wasn’t feeling well, and Phii Fah gave me his number, in case of an emergency, I could call.”

“He’s good at taking care of people.”

“…”

“Phoon, are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” I said with a muffled voice in my throat. I couldn’t tell North about this, or he’d tease me mercilessly. I buried my face in the bag on the table.

“He probably wants to take care of you through the letters too,” said the person next to me. I turned to look at him while still with my face buried in the bag, “He gave you his number because he trusts that no matter what, he could find you.”

“I don’t know who you are, where you are, but if you need me, I’ll come.”

To… you

   I’m better now, thank you very much, really. Thank you for paying attention to the details too, there’s plenty of medicine left. I’ll keep it in case I get sick again. I hope you’re not tired of sandwiches because this time, it’s a sandwich I made myself. I tried it and thought it was edible.

   I hope it makes for a good breakfast.

   “He changed it to come in the morning today,” Phii Gib said. I turned my attention to the speaker, “Maybe he’s worried the sandwich might get hard, so he didn’t dare leave it overnight.”

“How early in the morning?”

“Since I opened the shop, around 7 a.m., I think.”

Then I’d have to wake up even earlier to make the sandwich…

“Then please leave this with him,” I said, handing the bag in my hand to the coffee shop owner along with some money, “And treat him to something he likes too, please.”

“Sure thing.”

“What do you like?”

“Me? Probably peach tea.”

“Okay.”

“Why?”

“Dr. Fah asked me to make you a drink you like.”

“Oh,” I waited at the counter until the glass of peach tea was served.    “Doesn’t the doctor know what you like?” Phii Gib asked. I shook my head in response, “That’s a pity, isn’t it? When you know everything Dr. Fah likes, but Dr. Fah doesn’t know anything about you.”

“Well, I’ve never told him,” because I’ve hardly ever mentioned in the letters what I like or dislike.

“That’s why I say it’s a pity. It seems like Dr. Fah wants to get to know you.”    “Really?”

“I don’t know why you don’t want Dr. Fah to know it’s you…but in a relationship where one knows everything and the other knows nothing, the one who knows nothing is kind of pitiful. They have to trust a lot, you know.”

“…”

“You know, but he doesn’t. Even though he likes you that much, how must he feel not knowing anything about you?”

“…Yes.”

“Sorry, I was just talking. If I’ve overstepped, I apologize.”    “No, not at all,” I smiled and shook my head slightly before walking back to the dorm.

It’s true what Phii Gib said, if it were me…I like someone but know nothing about him. I would feel quite lost, not knowing when he might disappear. I’m confident I wouldn’t disappear, but Phii Fah…Phii Fah knows nothing.

   Phii Fah once asked me a little about myself…but I didn’t answer, after that, he never asked again.

   But thinking like this makes my heart swell.

   I talk as if Phii Fah already likes me…

   But I can think that way, right? Since our relationship has become like this.

   I’ve been troubled for a long time, what Phii Gib said is right…    Phii Fah knows nothing about the person in the letters, that person could disappear anytime, there’s no information, Phii Fah has no way to contact him unless that person contacts first, would it be an unstable relationship for Phii Fah?

   Suddenly, my phone rang, startling me as I was deep in thought. I quickly grabbed my phone to check and saw it was an unknown number calling.

I answered hesitantly.

“Hello?”

(…Is this Typhoon?)

   “Yes…who is this?”

(Are you Rati’s son…right?)    “…Uh, that is…”

(I’m Rati’s new wife…Are you free to talk? I’d like to meet you.)

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 16: Actually

   “Why are you doing this?”

“…”

“Just because I’m your junior, you can do anything?”

“…Calm down.”

“How can I calm down? I’m human too, Phii. There’s no need to go this far.”

“Damn Jo, control your wife, he’s going berserk.”

“I told you he’s a hotheaded gamer.”

“Phii Arthit! I’m your junior, don’t you see me as your junior?”

“Yeah, you’re my junior, or do you want to be my wife?”

“Arthit!!.”

“Alright, Jo, can’t I even tease a little?”

“You did it on purpose.”

“I know, I’m determined.”

The scene in front of me is North and Phii Arthit playing a mobile game together. North is the kind of hot-headed gamer that Phii Jo described. I’ve never seen North get this angry over anything as much as when he’s playing games, and he’s very serious about it too.    But the cuter picture is North sitting on Phii Jo’s lap, which has become a familiar sight because these two are always like this, even before they started dating.

Ter is sitting next to Phii Hill, leaning on Phii Hill’s arm. As for me, I’m sitting next to Foam and directly across from Phii Fah…This kind of scenario happens often because my friends are dating his friends, but we don’t really look at each other or talk. I usually hang out with Foam more.

Phii Fah is focused on his work…beside him, there’s the box of chocolate milk I bought for him this morning. I couldn’t help but smile without realizing it; why does it feel so good? Just because Phii Fah is drinking the milk I bought for him. The stuff that Phii Fah sent back is in my bag. I haven’t even opened it to see what it is; I’ll open it when I get back to my room.

“Bro, when I pressed, it went in, why did you retreat?”

“Look at my health bar, we’d all be dead if I pushed forward.”

“Just admit you’re bad at this.”

“Bad my ass.”

“You’re really bad, Phii.”

“North.”

“What, Phii Arthit, what are you going to do about it?”

“Annoying, let’s do a one-on-one, you talk too much.”

“Come on then, you think I’m scared?”

“I think we’re getting too close.”

We all couldn’t help but laugh at the two guys getting heated over the game. I’ve rarely seen Phii Arthit like this, probably because I don’t talk to him much, but seeing him with North is pretty funny.

“I’m just kidding, bro, I still respect you.”

“You’ve already smeared my face with your foot.”

“Oh, you got it but didn’t say.”

“You’re such a little shit.”

They were talking while still laughing, truly entertaining, when

North and Phii Arthit played games together. It’s the same when North plays games with his engineering friends, but North says he doesn’t want to play games with us because he doesn’t want to swear accidentally, saying it feels inexplicably sinful.

   But why does Phii Arthit play games when Phii Fah is working?

   “Fah…where are you going?”

“To the bathroom for a bit,” Phii Fah answered Phii Hill after getting up from the table.

North looked away from his phone screen and glanced at Phii Fah.

“Phii Arthit, do you think Phii Fah is annoyed by us?”

“No.”

“But we’re being very loud. I forgot that Phii Fah is working.”

“It’s fine, Fah can study even at concerts, you can continue playing, the lane up top will get another kill.”

“Alright, how can we get a kill?”

At first, I was secretly worried that Phii Fah might be annoyed by me sitting at the table, but it’s been like this for nearly a year, so it’s probably fine. Besides…even if it might be a bit uncomfortable, I still want to see him, as I’ve said before.

“Arthit, what are you doing?”

“I’m hungry.”

“Fah might get mad,” Phii Hill warned when he saw Phii Arthit reaching for Phii Fah’s bag.

“Yeah. It’s fine.”

“Arthit.”

“It’s really fine.”

“Sigh, do whatever you want, I’ve tried to stop you,” Phii Hill sighed slightly. I looked at Phii Arthit, who was rummaging through Phii Fah’s bag with confusion, before understanding instantly when Phii Arthit pulled out the snacks I had just bought for Phii Fah in the morning.

   Wait…don’t tell me…

   “Hey,” North immediately protested after seeing such an audacious act, “Is that okay, bro?”

“He doesn’t mind. It’s normal.”

“Are you saying you normally steal stuff?”

“Makes me sound like a bad guy.”

“It’s not just looking like one, is it?” North said quietly, but everyone could still hear it.

“It won’t break, just messing around.”

“What?”

“Arthit,” Phii Fah’s voice came from behind. Phii Arthit was about to open the snack pack, and I was worried he might actually eat it, but

Phii Fah came back just in time, “What are you doing?”

“Just want a bite, I’m hungry.”

“No way.”

Phii Fah said, pulling the snack back, and Phii Arthit shrugged indifferently.

“You’re so stingy, it’s just snacks.”

“I warned you, you’ll definitely get scolded by Fah,” Phii Hill said.

“Are you mad at me, Fah? Over something like this?”

“Not mad,” Phii Fah said before sitting down and putting the snack back into his bag as it was before.

“See, I told you Fah isn’t mad.”

“But this term, I won’t do your work for you.”

“Phii Fah is really protective of your snacks, huh?”

“Foam, stop teasing, you’ve been teasing me since we came out.”

“It’s important stuff. Who said you can’t touch it?”

“Foam…”

“Yeah, yeah. No more teasing, I’m leaving now.”

“Drive safely, okay?”

“Okay, see you.”

“See you.”

I stood watching Foam as he dropped me off at my dorm, unable to help but smile broadly, trying to hold back my smile ever since we were at that place.

   Phii Fah…protects my snacks.

   I immediately ran up to my room and sat down at my desk, blushing alone. Good heavens…why is my heart beating so hard? Am I going to have a heart attack? My face feels all hot now.

   Without delay, I quickly opened my bag to pull out the bag Phii Fah had left for me and opened it right away. From the first time Phii Fah sent something back, we’ve been sending each other snacks and small notes for almost a month now, like being pen pals.

   Up to now, it was just regular snacks with notes saying something like “Enjoy your snack,” or “Have a good day,” just ordinary messages, but never ordinary to me.

   This time, it was a box of chocolate that I hadn’t seen before, which probably looked quite expensive.

   Along with a piece of paper that had the message:

   Is this chocolate sweet like you? 🙂

   “What’s this?”

“…”

“Look up, how can I talk to the back of your head?”

“Nong…”

“Your voice is trembling.”

“Nong, uh…”

“Damn you.” North’s laughter came through the video call on the screen after I saw Phii Fah’s message, which almost gave me a heart attack. It took me nearly ten minutes to regain my composure, and when I did, I immediately called someone, and North was the most recent chat.    “North, I’m like…”

“Yeah?”

“My hands are shaking, will my heart burst out?”

“Calm down, Phoon,” because I felt my face was very red, I kept my head down, covering my face with my hands all the time. When I looked up, I found North lying on the sofa, eating snacks comfortably,

“Maybe some chocolate will help?”

“I don’t want chocolate anymore,” I said in a muffled voice, “I won’t eat anyone else’s chocolate.”

“You only want Phii Fah’s chocolate then.”

“…come on.”

“Chocolate that’s as sweet as you, huh?”

“North! You never stop teasing me.”

“Sorry, sorry, I’ve been holding it in, haven’t teased anyone in a while.”

“Is that message like…flirting, or what?” I asked again, the person on the other side of the video call sighed in frustration.

“Yeah, you’ve asked a hundred times already.”

“It’s not just friends through letters or siblings anymore, right?”    “What do you want from me? Huh, are you happy that Phii Fah is flirting with you?”

“North…”

“See, when I tell you straight, you get embarrassed,” North said,

“I’ve got some chocolate, want some?”

I shook my head; he just keeps trying to give me chocolate, I can already guess he’ll be teased about chocolate by another Arthit.

“It’s just…North, it’s like…”

“I’ve never met anyone who gets embarrassed and can’t speak properly like you.”    “Don’t you get like that?”

“No, Ter doesn’t either, I think.”

“…really?” I buried my face into the fat cat plushie that Daotok bought for me about half a year ago, so much that the cat’s face was completely squished, “At first, I thought…we would just be pen pals, you know, talking like this is fine.”

“Are we the talking type?”

“Yeah. Not the aggressive type like you.”

“I told you to be more assertive, or else you’ll stay with the dogs, the bone isn’t just cat food for you alone.”

“Are you saying Phii Fah is a bone?”

“Am I comparing?” North said with annoyance again, “Don’t stay in your safe zone, or else you’ll be there for life.”

“I know, just give me some time.”

“But Phii Fah…”

“…has already stepped out of his safe zone before you,” North said, “Here you said you would pursue Phii Fah, but Phii Fah is clearly pursuing you.”

“…”

“What are you going to do now that he’s made the first move like this?”

“…”

I buried my face into the fat cat plushie even harder, blushing so much from what North said that I almost bit the fat cat’s ear off because I didn’t know what else to do with my embarrassment.

   “Calm down, man, you’re going to tear off Suphaporn’s ear.”

“I hate it, it’s not polite.”

“I named it ‘Ghost Under the Table’.”

“I hate the name ‘Ghost Under the Table’ too.”

“It’s called ‘Ghost Under the Table’.” The other side said, not really caring much. This fat cat plushie was named Suphaporn by Daotok…which I think doesn’t really match its face, but whatever, Suphaporn is Suphaporn.

“Where is Phii Jo?” I asked.

“He hasn’t come back yet.”

“Working?”

“Um,” North frowned slightly. Whenever we talk about Phii Jo and he’s not around, it’s always like this. Does he even realize it? “Just a little work, it’s urgent so I went to help.”

“Hmm, impressive.”

“Phii Fah is impressive too.”

“Why?”

“I overheard Phii Fah and Phii Jo talking about some project related to hospital equipment. Phii Fah is involved a lot with his family’s hospital business, so he encountered some issues with equipment. He probably had an idea on how to fix it and went to discuss it with Phii

Jo.”

“Wow…like fixing or improving equipment?” I asked, stunned.

“I think so, they were looking at it together first. If it’s okay, they’ll have to turn it into something official, probably need to propose it to both Phii Fah’s dad and Phii Jo’s dad, I guess. It would be like a project where the company collaborates with the hospital.”    “Wow, that’s cool,” I said, my eyes wide open, almost unable to believe it. It sounds so grand. “Is Phii Jo interested in Phii Fah’s idea?”    “Anything that can make money, Phii Jo is interested in,” North said, bursting into laughter, “Really, man, in business, if you see profit and a way forward, you’ve got to dare to invest a bit.”

“Impressive, I couldn’t do that.”

And then North and I talked aimlessly for almost fifteen minutes until I realized he had taken us off-topic again, leading us out to sea somewhere, almost forgetting what we were actually talking about.    “Ah, so what’s next?” North raised an eyebrow, feigning a serious expression which was quite annoying. I frowned at him.

“I don’t know, keep talking, I guess?”

“Are you going to ignore the ‘sweet like you’ line?”

“And what do you want me to do?”

“Um,” North frowned slightly again. Whenever we talk about Phii Jo and he’s not around, it’s always like this. Does he even realize it?

“Just a little work, it’s urgent so I went to help.”

“Hmm, impressive.”

“Phii Fah is impressive too.”

“Why?”

“I overheard Phii Fah and Phii Jo talking about some project related to hospital equipment. Phii Fah is probably dealing a lot with the family’s hospital business, so he encountered some issues with the equipment. He seems to have an idea on how to fix it, so he consulted

Phii Jo.”

“Wow…like fixing the equipment or improving it?” I asked, somewhat stunned.

“I think so. They’re looking at it together first. If it’s good, they’ll probably make it into a project, propose it to both Phii Fah’s father and Phii Jo’s father, I guess. It’s like a joint project between the company and the hospital.”

“Wow, that’s impressive,” I said, my eyes wide with disbelief. It sounds so grand, “Is Phii Jo interested in Phii Fah’s idea?”    “Phii Jo is interested in anything that can make money,” North said with a laugh, “Really, you know, in business, if you see profit and a way forward, you have to be willing to take some risks.”

“He’s talented, I couldn’t do that.”

And then North and I continued chatting for almost fifteen minutes until I realized he had sidetracked me again, taking me out to sea somewhere, and I almost forgot what we were originally talking about.

“Ah, so what are you going to do next?” North raised his eyebrows to ask, pretending to look serious in an annoying way. I frowned at him.

“I don’t know, continue talking, I guess.”

“Are you going to let the sweet like you line just blur away?”

“And what should I do?”

“Reply, ‘I’m sweeter than your chocolate.’” North said, bursting into laughter, always finding his own words amusing, “Just kidding, don’t actually say that.”

“I won’t.” I shook my head, “If things get better between me and

Phii Fah, that’d be nice, but I’m a bit scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“Like…it’s me, you know, it’s really me in the letters. If Phii Fah finds out, will he be disappointed?”    “Why would he be disappointed?”

“Because it’s me.”

“Why would that matter?” North raised his eyebrows in confusion, “Don’t underestimate yourself. What you should worry about more is your dad. If Phii Fah finds out, everything could go to hell.”    “Yeah…that’s right,” I said, just realizing it…father. I haven’t been in contact with my father for a long time, probably almost a month now. Most of the time, it’s Uncle-Kong who occasionally calls about the money he transfers to me, “I haven’t talked to my dad in a long time.”    “It’s been a while since then. Nothing to fear anymore, right?”    “No way,” I shook my head, “No matter what…no way, I might get transferred, really. He doesn’t care if I have friends or whatever, sigh, I still don’t know where our relationship is heading. And then there’s the matter with my dad; I still can’t reveal who’s behind the letters.”    “You’re going to make him like you and then disappear? That’s cruel.”

“I never said I would disappear.”

“You’ve disappeared from Phii Fah once already. Are you going to do it again?” North asked with a serious look, “Last time when you left, I thought you were really cruel.”

“I know,” I nodded. Whether it was the various ways I hurt Phii

Fah’s feelings or leaving without explaining, “Even if I claim there was a reason, he still doesn’t know. And…claiming there’s a reason to hurt someone else isn’t right, is it?”

“Right…because of you,” North said before trailing off.

“I’ve learned from my past, right?” I said. It’s a phrase North often tells me, especially when I start blaming myself.

“Just don’t repeat it.”

“Yeah. This time it has to be better than the last,” I said with a smile,

“I…guess I need to do something.”

“Yes, if Phii Fah is like this. One day, you’ll have to reveal yourself, no matter what. You can’t let things with your dad stay like this.”    “But I don’t have any good ideas, and talking has never worked.”

“How about using a strong approach?”

“How?”

“What do your dad do?”

“He works at a real estate company.”

“Why not have Phii Jo buy that company? If he owns the company, he can definitely pressure your dad.”

“What are you made of, heart-wise?” I said, laughing out loud. North didn’t pick up rich habits from Phii Jo, but he’s always been like this, joking about buying the world and sending Dao to Mars, or buying the faculty to give himself A grades, “That’s a bit much.”    “I was just kidding, forget about your dad for now, thinking about it gives me a headache, let’s survive the present first.”

“Oh, but you were the one who brought up the topic of my dad first.”

“Yeah, forget it, I forgot.”

Because we didn’t want to think about it, we changed the subject. Is it that easy…

“So, what’s the conclusion?”

“Back to the original question.” I sighed, glancing at the letter from Phii Fah that I had placed on the table, thinking about how to keep it, but definitely not sticking it next to the photos of those two with

Daotok, “Guess we’ll just keep talking.”

“Not going to take the initiative anymore?”

“Do you want me to only take the initiative?”

“I’m impatient.”

“Well…I think taking it slow, chatting, is nice, and I just got a Polaroid camera too,” I said, showing the Polaroid camera I had just decided to buy the day before to North, “It’s better to send some photos to Phii Fah.”    “Yeah, that’s cute.”

“Right, Polaroids are cool, you know,” I started to extol the virtues of Polaroid photos, being a camera enthusiast, I got a bit carried away, until North looked bored, “The colors are so beautiful when they develop.”

“Yeah, good, but don’t accidentally send a selfie.”

“Are you crazy?”

“Phii Fah must be a romantic, I think,” North got up to grab a new bag of snacks and then lay back down to continue eating, “Look at the sentences he sent, how can you not blush?”

“Hmm,” I raised my eyebrows at what North said, “Romantic?”

“Yes, or not?”

“Not.”

“Not romantic?”

“Defeated by Phii Fah.”

“You did well there,” North said with a slight chuckle.

We talked on the call for quite a while. I don’t often have these long calls with friends, but I frequently talk with Dao because he doesn’t have many people to talk to. As for Ter and North, they’re with their partners, and Foam said he has someone new to talk to.

   “Hey, Phoon, can I ask something?”

“Sure.”

“Why do you want Phii Fah to be your sky?”

“I don’t want him to be; he’s already my sky.”

“But didn’t he say he can’t be that for anyone?”

“Yeah,” I nodded slightly, “But I made him my sky myself. Even if he doesn’t accept it, I’m not forcing it on him. It’s more like, me liking him is my own business, I guess.”    “Yeah, you’re quite stubborn, I like that.”

“Phii Fah once said I see the sky too positively, to be honest, I can’t see it negatively at all. Even if I’m afraid of lightning or scared of the dark sky, I still like it.”

“It’s like no matter what you are, I’ll still love you for being you.”    “The sky is always beautiful, no matter when. Whether at sunrise or sunset, when it’s cloudy, or at night with or without the moon, it’s still beautiful to me. So even if Phii Fah says the sky isn’t always beautiful, for me…I think the sky is always beautiful.”

“Phii Fah…might have a side I’ve never seen, like you said, people always have many sides. But if I gradually move closer like this, little by little…”

“I hope we can get to know each other’s other sides more.”

…

Tonfah

   “Hey?”

“You sound so relaxed.”

“Just normal.”

“How long have you been awake?”

“Not long.”

“Got a headache?”

“Hell yeah.”

“Eat some food and take some medicine.” I put the bag with rice down on the table in front of the couch where Arthit was looking like he hadn’t slept much, last night he was drunk and came to knock on my door, I didn’t ask why he came to me, I guessed it was because he didn’t want to go home.

   He’s been hungover on the sofa all day, so he didn’t go to class today. Apart from me having to collect his work, I also had to buy food for him to use my sofa.

   “Thanks, the gods have blessed me,” Arthit said playfully before propping himself up to open the rice box, “Sorry for bothering you.”

“No problem, and what made you get this drunk?”

He shrugged indifferently, still chewing on the rice.

I looked away from the person eating, if it’s like this, it’s the same old reason, and I didn’t feel like asking more. I sat down on the small couch next to him, feeling exhausted.    Today has been another exhausting day…

“You look tired.”

“Yeah, I’m tired.”

“Being Tonfah is tiring, huh?”

“Yeah, being Tonfah is damn tiring,” I accidentally let out a wry smile, “Is being Arthit tiring?”    “Ha, being me is super shitty.”

“What do you mean by shitty?”

“Everything.”

Hill once said that I and Arthit are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Arthit is someone who loves freedom, doesn’t care about anyone or anything, does what he wants, goes where he pleases, in contrast to me who likes to take care of others to the point where sometimes it seems excessive, but I don’t realize it because I’ve been like this since I was a kid.

   “Do you remember?”

“Remember what?”

“What Hill once said, if you combine you and me, we’d get the most perfect person.”

“But I don’t want to combine with you.”

“I don’t want to either, it’s just a comparison,” I said, turning to him,

“Arthit.”

“What?”

“Got a cigarette?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Can I have one?”

“You want to smoke?”

“Yeah.”

I’m not someone who smokes heavily. It’s just that sometimes, when I can’t handle my feelings, like in this case.

   We went out to the balcony to smoke together.

   “Can you still smoke? I thought you’d be hungover,” I asked.

“I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?”

I inhaled the gray smoke deep into my lungs and exhaled it. The view in front of me was one I was quite familiar with, now mixed with the faint drifting smoke.

“It doesn’t suit you.”

“What?”

“You smoke, and in your school uniform too.”

“It’s fine. No one’s watching.”

“I am.”

“That doesn’t count,” I turned to look at the person next to me, who had tousled his hair up messily, wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, looking somewhat exhausted, “Doesn’t it look like me?”    Which perspective do you want me to answer from?

“From someone else’s.”

“Hmm. Not you at all. Even just smoking isn’t you.”

“Ha,” I looked off into the distance with an empty gaze and feeling.    Tonfah is the sky my father hoped for, a sky that’s above everyone else.

   Tonfah is the tree my mother wanted me to be, always a shelter for others.

   And what about me…

   Do I really want to be like that?

   I’ve always been ‘expected’, since I was born and given this name, everyone expects me to be good, to excel in studies, to be kind, to be this and that. I was taught to be like this since I was a child, my parents taught me to sacrifice, to endure, to do for others. To care for and look after others, putting them first always.

   It has become a habit that sometimes I don’t even realize…

   Tonfah, you must be like this or that. I’ve always lived up to those expectations, until one day, I started to question, who am I really…    I have to study well, and when the results meet expectations, it’s just not disappointing, but why don’t I feel happy…

   My parents named me Tonfah even before I was conceived. They had planned what I should be like. Of course, it’s not coercion, but I became accustomed to doing what everyone expected of me.

   But it’s not that bad. I can do it, and I think I do it well, it’s just sometimes tiring. Just tired.

   It turns out, I need to see those around me happy for me to be happy. Seeing my mother happy with my grades is more joyful than just seeing my grades.

   Jo once said this habit can’t be changed, but caring for everyone and everything is bound to be tiring, and on the days I’m tired, Jo wants me to try to care a bit less.

   “You can’t care for everyone, if two people come crying to you, you can only comfort one, right? Prioritize, not everyone has to be important to you.”

   That’s what Johan once said to me.

   But aside from my close friends and family, everyone is equally important to me, maybe because I’ve never felt otherwise.

   “You’ve put everyone in the same zone from the first time you met them, so how can you open your heart to someone like that?”    Yes…if you look closely, I’ve always had a wall since the first time we met. If you get close enough, you’ll see that wall, but not everyone can get close.

   I can’t reciprocate anyone’s feelings. I’m afraid they’ll be disappointed, just like how anyone seeing me smoke now would be disappointed too.

   Because Tonfah is perfect in every way, but not for me. If all this is truly who I am, why does it feel so empty?

   The sky or the tree that parents want…is that me?

   Because in reality, I’m not perfect…

   I’ve never been perfect.

   I’m just an ordinary guy.

   Everyone who comes close expects me to be what they want. I’m not interesting like Johan or Hill, I’m rather boring. Someone once said I was intriguing…but in truth, even if you search, you won’t find anything.

   One woman I used to date, we had to break up because we weren’t compatible. She said I was the perfect man in every way, but I’m not like that. She had expectations of me like everyone else, and I felt that I didn’t think of her in that romantic way, more like a friend. At that time, I didn’t understand those feelings much, but now I understand that wasn’t love.

   “Fah.”

“Hmm?”

“I heard Mild confessed her love to you the other day.”

“How did you know?”

“And how did it go?” Arthit cut off my question. Mild, or

Thanmild, is a star in my faculty. Initially, Mild liked Hill, but when Hill got together with Ter, it seemed like Mild was shattered. She couldn’t pull herself back together, so she came to consult me. I tried my best to give advice until recently when Mild told me that I was the one who made her feel better, like some kind of light, and it ended with her confessing her love.

“I rejected her.”

“Oh, and how did she take it?”

“Called me a bastard.”    “Really? Call you that?”    I nodded.

“Why would you want that?”

“Maybe I gave her false hope.”

“Did you give her hope?”

“No,” I shook my head. I just treated him normally, like Mild was someone who needed help, “He just wanted to have some hope.”

“Are you sure?”

“Hmm,” I nodded, “Why?”

“If you didn’t get involved from the start, it would have been over.” “If you abandon someone from the start, you’re cruel, but if you care for them without loving them, you’re still cruel,” I said, shrugging slightly, “In the end, just not loving someone is considered cruel.”    “Yeah, whatever, I shouldn’t have asked, it’s too complicated,” Arthit said dismissively, “Next time, just say from the first meeting that I don’t like you, so they don’t get the wrong idea.”

“Really go with that?”

“Yeah, that’s it, I don’t like you, don’t get the wrong idea.”    “Damn,” I said, bursting into laughter, “He might retort that he doesn’t like you either, now that’s awkward.”

“It’s fine, it’s about setting clear zones right from the start.”    “Sigh, you’re something else,” I shook my head slightly, “Jo said if I want to find clarity first, set priorities, so you don’t have to see everyone as equally important.”

“Yeah, that’s good, try it.”

“I don’t know. I’ve never had someone important, except for friends and family.”

“You’re asking me for advice? Fah, seriously?”

“Just trying to ask.”

“Just try opening your heart to someone, maybe. Having a partner is the most important thing, right? You’ll end up paying less attention to others.”

“Can you give advice on this matter, about having a partner?”

Arthit shook his head with a disgusted look. Ah…true, Arthit is the man furthest from the concept of love.    “What about the person from the letters?”

“Why?”

“Come on, you said you’ve opened your heart.”

“Yeah, he’s exactly what I’m looking for.”

I like the special kind of ordinary…even though the sentences we talk about might be simple, he never thought to change them. The sentences remain as simple as telling me to eat, rest well, or discussing the weather, which becomes more and more ‘cute’, ‘cute’, and ‘cute’.

   Johan said if it reaches the point where it’s “cute as hell”, it’s dangerous.

   I’ve received many letters, but I’ve never replied to anyone, except for this person, with the care I’ve never received before. Normally, if I don’t reply, people would send messages back, asking things like, ‘Don’t you like the snacks?’ or ‘Do you like it? Let me know.’    But this person still writes about mundane things like the weather, as if he’s ready to look after me like this forever, without expecting anything in return.

   Because others come to me as if I’m special, when I’m just an ordinary person. All I want is this kind of ordinary.

   So…I like it.

   “Fah.”

“Hmm?”

“Chocolate price.”

“How much?”

“$550, in US dollars.”

“17,400 baht,” I repeated the amount converted from dollars to baht, then took out my phone to transfer the money to Arthit. I asked him to buy chocolate for me since he was going abroad.

It’s the chocolate brand that I think is the best.

And I wonder if it’s as sweet as someone.

“My friends are all about spending money,” Arthit said after seeing the amount transferred into his account.

“And you?”

“What do you expect me to do, my money is my money.”

“Cheap bastard.”

“Are you going back now?” I asked as we walked back into the room.

“Guess so, let me borrow a shirt to change into, I stink of booze.”    “It’s in the closet,” I said, before Arthit walked towards my wardrobe. I just remembered that I also received a bag of snacks today, but because I was busy all day, I hadn’t opened it to see what the person had sent back.

I pulled out a light blue paper bag from my bag, curious about what he replied with, and found a chocolate bar, a bottle of syrup, and a Polaroid photo.

Huh?

   Did he send a photo too?

   I raised my eyebrows in surprise at what I found. Taking it out, I saw it was a photo of the chocolate box I had bought, and the chocolates inside had been completely eaten, leaving only the box and the wrapper.

   There was a message written on the back of the Polaroid, ‘I don’t know either, because I’ve never tasted myself, but this chocolate box was just sweet enough, very delicious, thank you, ( v )’    I couldn’t help but smile broadly after reading the message.

   If what Johan said is true…this could be dangerous.

   Good heavens…

   You really are the kind of person I like.

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 15: Light The Way

   Tonfah

   I sat there, glancing at the snack bag on the table.

   They sent it again today…

   I don’t really like snacks that much, but often I have to accept them because I don’t want to disappoint the giver. I eat some, but if I don’t really like them, I don’t eat them.

   But I don’t know who keeps sending them to me…It’s been a month or so, sent through a second-year medical student I’m somewhat familiar with but don’t really know.

   “Again?” Arthit asked, still looking at his phone screen.

“Yeah.”

“They’re quite persistent.”

“Right.”

“If it were me, I would have given up by now.”

“Yeah,” I shrugged indifferently. The handwriting was unfamiliar, but I was sure it was from the same person who sent messages during the break, saying, “I fucking love you so much.” At that time, I thought it must be a second-year student, but when the term started, they referred to themselves as “I” and “you” in the letters.

It’s strange…

   It can’t be a mistake.

   It has to be a second-year student…

   When I first read that letter, I thought it was cute; many people send me letters, but no one has ever said they “fucking love you so much” me before, so I just thought it was cute.

   “Hey, Fah.”

“What?” I looked up at Hill who called my name.

“I told Phoon.”

“What did you say?”

“I said ‘Don’t forget to thank him’.”

“Did you let it slip?”

“I meant to do it.”

“Hmm,” I nodded, having expected that Hill would say something. Hill is one of those who always encourages me to talk to Phoon, “It’s fine, it’s just about treating someone to a meal.”

“Why do you have to treat him?” Johan, who was lying on the bench, spoke up.

“He’s my junior.”

“Junior?”

“Yeah, what’s up with you?” I raised my eyebrows, puzzled, as Jo sat back up.

“Nothing,” the person across from me shrugged lightly, “Why are you only interested now? It’s been a year and there was no issue.”

“I’ve already said I hate being ignored.”

“And now the junior doesn’t ignore you?”

“We’ve talked a bit.”

“You should know how it is, North and Ter going to Phoon’s room that day,” Johan said while looking at Hill, “They were determined to go, which means it’s important.”

“Hmm,” Hill nodded, “What do you think it could be about?”

“It’s your business, Fah.”

“And there was a letter, along with the snacks that Arthit ate,” I said. The words written in that letter were similar to North’s, and might have been suggested by North. I don’t know this junior named Daotok, but I guess he might be the planner because North and Ter wouldn’t come up with something like this.    But there might be others involved too…

“You know it’s Phoon.”

“How can you be so sure?” I asked Hill back, “There’s not a shred of evidence.”

“But the chances are high, aren’t they?” Hill said in a flat tone, “Let me ask again, what do you think?”

“I don’t like Phoon.”

“Damn, that’s harsh,” Jo said with a sigh, “Have you always thought of him just as a little brother?”

“Yeah.”

I knew Typhoon liked me. No…what he showed was even more than that, but he tried to keep it from me. He seemed to have built some kind of wall around himself. His eyes conveyed so much pain that I thought he must have gone through something terrible.

   And I tried to make amends during those four years because I felt it was my fault for leaving him and not keeping in touch…Typhoon was one of the important nongs that I had to look after.

   But suddenly, he changed, becoming someone else, not himself. Not his words. Not his actions or mannerisms. At first, I didn’t understand it at all, but I tried to adjust myself over time. Not long after, I woke up to find his room completely empty.

   No trace of his existence…

   Really gone…

   I chose to respect his decision. No matter what happened, since Phoon decided to go, it meant that at that time, it was the best choice for him.

   And I chose to stop chasing him.

   To deal with my own feelings.

   I only recently learned about Torfan…Fan is dead, so why would

Phoon lie? And about Fan’s LINE account. At first, I was a bit surprised but didn’t think much of it. Why did Phoon have to go that far?

   To be honest, I was angry…very angry.

   But I believe there must be a reason, and I believe that beneath Phoon’s actions is a kid who needs help.

   When I noticed him looking happier, I immediately understood that Typhoon had grown stronger. No matter what the problem was, he could now endure and fight through the rain.

   I wanted to say he’s done very well…

   He sees me as the sky…I think so, he wanted me to be everything, but I couldn’t be. He used to have Torfan as everything in his life, and when Fan disappeared, he couldn’t live on.

   And what if I disappear…

   Torfan’s accident didn’t come with any warning signs, so the same could apply to me. I might cross the road and get hit by a car and die.

Therefore, I don’t want to be everything to anyone.

   I have not Typhoon’s whole life. I hope he will love himself more than they ever have, so I’ve been trying to make Phoon see his own good qualities, praising him often. The truth is, he’s already capable, everything about him is already great.

   I’m glad Phoon has become stronger without needing me…    I decided to go see my junior at the store while everyone was having a celebration because I thought we should talk, but the moment I arrived, his expression clearly showed he wasn’t ready to talk and was ready to disappear again.

   So…I won’t approach him carelessly again.

   “Isn’t Phoon cute?” Johan raised his eyebrows to ask.

“He’s cute, but do you understand that we’ve been together since we were kids?” For me, Phoon is special, but we’re just like phii-nong, “We haven’t seen each other in a long time either.”

“Then you should make it clear,” Hill said with a serious look,

“That’s why I told you to be careful.”

“I’ve been careful.”

“How so?”

“Fah takes care of everyone like this, doesn’t he, Hill?” Johan spoke up, “People will like who they like, but if Fah doesn’t like them back,

Fah isn’t at fault…”

“But Fah, if you like Phoon and you’re just not aware of it, I’ll scold you on behalf of that jerk.”

“Hmm,” I said, letting out a small laugh at Jo’s words, “If I like him,

I like him, okay? But right now, I don’t see Phoon that way.”    “We won’t interfere,” Johan said, “It wouldn’t be fair to you if we sided with Phoon just because he’s friends with your boyfriend, you can date someone else, we won’t stop you.”

“Aren’t you angry?” I turned to ask Hill, who let out a small sigh and shook his head in response, “I’m glad you understand.”

“Don’t block Phoon out just because he’s your little nong, look, he’s courting you this much,” Jo said, picking up the bag of snacks to look,

“This time it’s grape juice.”

I shook my head slightly at Jo’s words. Hill and Jo think it’s Phoon, seriously. We all think so, but we’re not completely sure because there’s no evidence, and anything could be possible.

He handed me back the snack bag. I opened it to see what was written in the letter this time:

This morning, the weather is quite hot. I think grape water will refresh you. I’m not sure if you’ve had breakfast, so I bought some sausages for you; they should fill you up for a bit.    P.S. I hope your lab goes well today.

   Even though I’m not sure who this person is, the gifts are never the same. He seems to have bought everything from 7-Eleven for me, but he’s very thoughtful. On hot days, he buys fruit juice; on cooler days, it’s milk, sometimes hot milk. The snacks are varied, he knows what I study each day, and during the mini-exams, he sends more, bigger bags of things that are perfect for study sessions.

One thing I know for sure is that he cares about me.

In a way no one else has ever done before…

“Isn’t the handwriting familiar?” Johan raised an eyebrow.    “No. It’s not Phoon’s, but it’s just handwriting, anyone can write like this,” I said what I thought, “And you guys seem pretty interested.”    “Aren’t you?” Hill asked.

“Not really.”

“But you seem a bit more interested now, don’t you? Look how you’re eating everything he buys.”

“Uh-huh, he’s quite sweet.”

“No matter who it is?” Johan asked.

“Yeah. No matter who it is, it’s sweet.”

It’s clear he doesn’t want me to know his true identity. For whatever reason, since he doesn’t want me to know, I shouldn’t know. I always respect others’ decisions.

“You said you don’t like Phoon,” Hill reiterated.

“Yeah.”

“But you’re starting to like the person in the letters.”

“I guess so. Just starting to take notice.”

“What if Phoon is the one sending them?”

“I guess I like Phoon.”

“But you said you didn’t like him.”

“Yeah, I’ve always seen Phoon as a younger brother, I’ve never seen him in any other way, but if Phoon is the one who wrote the letter, then I might see a side of him I’ve never seen before.”    “Why not try talking to him, write a reply,” Hill said.

“Let’s wait. I’m not interested enough yet.” I said with a slight smile, yes…right now I’m just a little interested, I guess I’ll have to wait and see for a while longer.

“Why don’t you find out why your junior is distancing himself from you?”

“Hmm? Why should I look for reasons? Isn’t it clear that he doesn’t want me to know?”

“Aren’t you being a bit dense?” Arthit asked. I immediately turned to look at him.    “No. I’m not like that.”

I smiled at the medical student who came to deliver something from that person to me, taking the item in hand. This time it was the same paper bag, and this time I handed another bag back in return.

“Yes?”

“Please give this to the person who sent this.”

“Oh, sure.”

The junior nodded and walked away. I’ve gotten quite familiar with his face, but each time I forget to ask his name. In reality, if I wanted to investigate, it would be very easy, but as I’ve said, I don’t want to, and this is good enough…

“Fah… even you can smile like that, huh?”

“Well…I think chocolate milk and a tuna sandwich might make someone else smile too.”

Even though I’ve never seen their face and don’t even know their name.

   But…it’s cute.

   Whoever it might be.

…

Typhoon

   “Ter, come look at your friend.”

“Come on, give him some time.”

“Foam, Ter,” I turned to look at them while pursing my lips tightly, still holding the bag of gifts I had just received. I placed it on the table and sat staring at the beautiful handwriting, which had been there for a while now.

“I’ve given you an hour to get over your embarrassment, Phoon,” Foam said with a sigh, “Your cheeks are about to burst,” and he pinched my cheeks hard. I frowned because it hurt.

“I feel like…my face is getting bigger.”

“What do you mean by bigger face?” Ter raised an eyebrow.    “I don’t know, like it’s swollen, everything’s swollen, my face is swollen, my heart is swollen, my body is swollen too.”

“It’s called ‘flushed face,’ not ‘big face.’”

“No, it’s swollen.”

“Okay, whatever you say,” Ter laughed. Ever since North brought the gifts from Phii Fah, I’ve been sitting here embarrassed for nearly an hour, my heart still beating fast.

“It’s worth it,” I smiled broadly, “It’s been two worth-it months.”

“Right, it must be the best sandwich ever.”

“Yeah,” I turned to look at Ter, nodding in agreement while still smiling, “It must be the best sandwich in the world.”

“Congrats, man,” Foam said, “It’s like when we supported our friend who liked a senior in high school, you’ve moved up a level, haven’t you?”

“Well…if you want to call it that.”    Moved up a level, huh…

   “But I never expected anything, just staying in the background, watching and caring. Knowing that Phii Fah eats everything I buy, I’m happy. I never thought…”

“He must be interested in you,” Foam said again. I looked at him, “He must be interested a bit, sending gifts for two months, he must soften up a bit.”    “Then that’s good.”    Really good…

   “If Phii Fah is interested because I keep sending letters, that’s amazing, because the one who can take care of Phii Fah is the person in the letters. The real Typhoon can’t even talk to him yet.”    I smiled broadly. I didn’t care if anyone thought I was crazy, but it truly made me happy. I couldn’t even describe how good I felt right now.

   My feelings have reached you…

   And you have accepted them…

   When I was with Phii Fah, I never dared to show how much I loved him. I guess it was the right decision to follow North’s advice, to show him that I love him and am ready to take care of him.

I wouldn’t have had the chance if it weren’t for the letter.

   “Phoon, can I ask you something?”

“Huh?”

“Suppose…you didn’t have the issue with your dad, would you approach Phii Fah?” Ter’s question made me raise my eyebrows in surprise before I nodded in response.

“Hmm, I think I could express my care for Phii Fah better than this,”

I answered, “Not just through letters. Not just watching from afar, but I would take care of him wholeheartedly. In North’s words, I’d go for it straight on.”

“Good, because Phii Fah likes you for your attention.”

“Really…is that so?”

“Yeah. Never seen their face, don’t know them, but still interested because you keep buying things for them, that’s called liking someone because of your attention, right? So, it means even if you didn’t have the letter, if you continue to show this kind of attention to Phii Fah, he would still like you.”

“…would you still like me anyway?”

“Ter, stop now, Phoon’s about to explode.”

“Phoon, calm down.”

“Ter, I feel like my heart just got shocked,” I reached out to grab

Ter’s hand as he offered it, my heart was beating so hard right now,

“Phii Fah likes me?”

“Your hands are sweaty, man,” Ter teased me, “Yeah, it’s Tonfah, the evidence is right here.”

“At first, I thought he was just buying back from everyone.”

“Hardworking as hell,” Ter sighed a little, “No, from what I know of Phii Fah, no one has ever made him as interested as you have, he’s interested in you.”    “Not taking sides?”

“Taking sides a bit.”

“Ter, seriously?”

“Yeah, you’re my friend, I’m taking your side, aren’t I?” Ter’s words made me frown slightly before he burst out laughing, making me laugh along, “Like North, he’s great at praising his friends, who knows if he secretly did something for Phii Fah for you.”    “He’s super dedicated,” I said while still laughing.    “You look so bright today, Phoon,” Ter said, “Like there’s something floating around you.”

“Probably.”

I cry because of you.

   I smile because of you.

   My heart beats this hard because of you.

   Every letter is the true, ordinary me, every letter is really Typhoon, every word, every concern. I wrote them with feelings, feelings that I couldn’t express to Phii Fah directly. I never dared to cross the line of our sibling relationship before.

But now, I dare to step over it.

   I myself…hope that you will turn back to me as well.

   Yes…because I once promised that if one day I was strong enough, I would come back to you.

   And today…I am strong enough to stand by your side. Not the weak Phoon who only depended on you, but Typhoon who can be a refuge for you, Phii Fah.

   “We can love others when we love ourselves enough.”    North’s words from that day have been swirling in my mind for a long time. What North said was entirely right; how could I love someone else when I hated myself?    “What are you thinking about?”

“Where did you find North, Ter?”

“Kicked around with my foot, in the dirt, he just popped up, why?”    “Damn, I was going to say North has such positive energy, why don’t we clone him a bunch?” I said jokingly, “Oh, but we can’t, Phii

Jo would buy them all up.”

“Actually, I think having just North is enough, the country would collapse otherwise.”

“I want to be a positive energy for Phii Fah too. Even if I’m not as strong as North.”

“You don’t need to be strong. What did we tell you?”

“Just be yourself.”

“Right, don’t try to be like North.”

“I told you it would work. Don’t you trust me?” North’s voice sounded serious. Now, we were all in my room on a day off, “And did you eat the snacks Phii Fah gave you?”

“Done.”

“Oh, I thought you’d keep them.”

“I was hungry.”

“Damn.”

“I’m kidding, Phii Fah said to eat them all, so I did,” I said. It was just chocolate milk and a tuna sandwich, but they were really good, and I kept the note with Phii Fah’s handwriting.

“It’s good that the plan worked. We were so worried,” Daotok spoke up. Dao had been really worried recently, and when I told him Phii Fah had responded, Dao was overjoyed.

“It had to work. Who’s the Cupid here?”

“Got what he aimed for.”

“Why do I have to be both handsome and smart?”

“…”

“Damn, I need to take a shit.”

“That’s enough, I think.”

Ter quickly retorted, making the rest of us burst out laughing.

“What’s up with you, North, why are you so lively today?”

“Heh heh, it’s my day off, I finally got away from that shitty

Duennao for a bit.”

“Why Duennao?” I asked.

“He went to learn Chinese, and he’s been ni-hao-this-ni-hao-that all day, like Duennao is sucking his energy. He’s about to turn into a lion.”

“Fuck,” I said, still laughing, “Don’t blame Duennao.”    “Are you taking his side, huh? I’ve been sending you stuff all the time, and now he goes off to ni-hao with Duannao.”

“No, don’t send me to Ni-hao.”

“Hmph, don’t say ‘ni-hao’ where I can hear it again.”

“Let’s get back to the cat’s letter, shall we?” Finally, Daotok helped to bring the conversation back to the original topic. Did North drag me off-topic too? “What does everyone think?”    “Interested,” said Foam.

“Yeah, I’m starting to be interested too,” said Ter.

“I think so too, what about you, North?”

“I don’t know, maybe I should prepare the dowry,” North said casually, “Have you chosen your wedding outfit yet? I’ve already got my suit tailored for the wedding, ever since Phii Fah sent you that letter.”

“Wow, you’re in such a hurry, dude,” Ter said, shaking his head slightly at North.

“I’ve got a black suit, I’m hoping your wedding won’t deviate from my suit theme.”

“Do we have to do a wedding in the same theme as your suit?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, because I’m the one with the grand role, don’t make me look bad by choosing a different color theme.”

“Man, you’re thinking too far ahead.”

“Come on, you have to think ahead, fight a bit, you’ve been secretly in love with him for years, show your strength!”

I now believe North is crazy; why does distancing himself from Duennao make him this persistent…

“See, I told you not to give up. It’s just been two months of sending letters, I’ve been buying lottery tickets for ten years, only won twice, and I haven’t given up. Yesterday I won again, and got teased by Phii Jo, ha, don’t let North win the lottery, then Phii Jo won’t have anything to say!”

So, the reason for this feistiness is because he got teased by Phii Jo?    “Your couple is cute,” I said, noticing how adorable they were together, “You act like North too, why do you seem like a different person when you’re with us compared to when you’re with Phii Jo?”    “Should I act the same way with you guys as I do with him?”    “Can we get back to the letter issue?” Daotok reiterated, for heaven’s sake. I got sidetracked by North again, “Let’s continue.”

“Uh-huh, go ahead, ghost under the table.”

“…”

“Cat, hit North for me.” I grabbed a pillow from the bed and hit

North with it. North raised his hands to block and made a loud fuss,

“Ah, back to the point. We’ll share our thoughts on this.”

Daotok looked at me…I nodded slightly, probably Dao was asking for permission to speak.

“We think the plan of sending letters consistently over two months has worked, Phii Fah has started to notice the person in the letters, but we still don’t know if Phii Fah knows it’s you, the cat.”

“Actually, the likelihood of the doctors figuring it out is very high.”    “We guess Phii Fah might know, with over a forty percent chance from the initial plan. We’re sure about one thing, the cat’s father won’t know, there’s no way he could know, it’s just a letter after all, right? But what we’re unsure about is whether Phii Fah knows, given that it’s someone he knows, someone close to him.”

“But the point is…if Phii Fah has guessed that it’s the cat, why would he still send letters back? That means Phii Fah doesn’t care who it is.”    We four were like students listening to a teacher summarizing a lecture, North furrowed his brows with a serious look, seeming uncomfortable with the seriousness of the matter.

“Phii Fah is interested in the person sending the letters.”

“Maybe Phii Fah liked Phoon already,” Foam chimed in.    “No,” I said, shaking my head slightly at Foam, “I knew that.”    “Really?” Ter asked.

“Yeah, I can see it’s just a sibling relationship, Phii Fah doesn’t like me in a romantic way, I know that, and I’ve never thought to take sides with myself.” Even though saying it straight out like this would hurt a bit, it’s still the truth; if someone doesn’t like you, they just don’t.

“I feel sorry for you, Phoon,” Foam said with a worried look, “Or maybe…should you back off? Phii Fah doesn’t like you at all?”    “That’s all in the past,” North said, “Live in the present and for the future, Phoon.”

“Hmm.”

“Are you still crying over the past?”

“Not anymore.”

“Are you happy with how things are now?”

“I am, very much.”

“Are you happy sending things to Phii Fah?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s what matters. Whether Phii Fah likes you or not isn’t important. What’s important is that you love Phii Fah, and no one can replace him.”

“Phii Jo once told me that when he liked me but I had a girlfriend, he got drunk every day for years. It hurt a lot, I know, but now, in the end, I’m the one who can’t do without Phii Jo.”

“With all this love you have, let Phii Fah know it. Where could he go from you? How could he not love you when you love him this much? If not, he wouldn’t be human.”

“Maybe one day Phii Fah will start liking you, Phoon. Wait for him to make a move, I feel sorry for you.”

“Foam!” North called out loudly to Foam, startling him, “The water doesn’t flow to the cat!”

“Shouldn’t it be ‘the water doesn’t flow to the buffalo’?” Foam raised an eyebrow.

“Phoon is a cat, isn’t he? If Phii Fah doesn’t like Phoon, he won’t make a move just because you like him. You should be the one to make a move, right? Phoon has come this far, don’t ruin his efforts.”    “Uh…sorry, I should have known how much effort you’ve put in,” Foam looked at me with a frown. I shook my head slightly, indicating it was okay, “You’re right, North, the one who likes should make the move.”

“You’re almost too strong, Phoon, look at you. Would you give up just because Phii Fah doesn’t like you?”

“No way,” I smiled back at North, giving the widest smile I could,

“I’ll make him like me, just as I am, as Typhoon, the ordinary guy.”    “That’s the spirit. All my coaching hasn’t been in vain. If Phii Fah ever likes you back, I believe someone like Phii Fah will be clear about it. See, once he starts showing interest, he sends letters back.”

“Well, thank you, teacher.”

“Yeah, buy me some chocolate milk, you bastard, I want to eat it too.”

“Sure, I’ll get three packs.”

“Here, let him know that my friend is rich, does Phii Fah know that my friend is rich and ready to pay for chocolate milk for life, slap him with money, Phii Fah.”

We all burst out laughing because of North’s cheerful words and actions.

   No matter when, I always thank Khun North.

   I’m glad you guys are here.

   As for Phii Fah…you’ll see the great love of mine for sure!

   Take care of yourself!

  SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 14: Chocolate Milk

   “Will that work?”

“Why?”

“How can Phii Fah not know it’s Phoon?” North raised his eyebrows. We’ve been talking about my letter for about five minutes now, “he can probably recognize the handwriting, and how would you talk to him? People usually don’t write letters to strangers, it’s unlikely.”

“Hmm, what North said is right,” Dao agreed.

“But I want you to talk with him, if our condition is that Phii Fah can’t know it’s Phoon, hmm…” North fell silent for a moment, furrowing his brows as if deep in thought, “What about chatting?”    “That probably won’t work, Phii Fah doesn’t chat with people he doesn’t know, he might even block you, that’d look pretty creepy,” Ter said.

“Still, I want to write a letter,” I said, expressing my feelings, “I kind of like writing letters, and it feels nostalgic.”

“Then write a letter,” North concluded, “It’s up to you.”    “Okay,” I nodded.

“Then let’s think about the next step, how to get Phii Fah to write back to you,” Ter suggested, “Give it a high school vibe, like when you see a friend secretly sending letters or snacks to their crush.” “But I think it might work,” Dao said, “Even if Tonfah doesn’t reply to the letter, at least he’ll know someone likes him this much.”    “Yeah, I agree with that,” North nodded. It had turned into a topic where everyone was seriously exchanging ideas, “If you love someone, you have to let them know. If you secretly like Phii Fah, you should do something for him. Not just secretly like him for nothing.”

Secretly like him for nothing…

Okay…T^T

“I like that phrase, ‘secretly like him for nothing’,” Ter repeated the words and chuckled slightly.

“Well, it’s true, if you can’t do it, it’s fine, but if you can, then do it. Let him know how much you love him, that you’re ready to take care of him, to listen, to be there to support from a distance. He won’t know unless you send your feelings.”

“Ah…” I fell silent, pondering. Feelings only matter when they’re conveyed…North is right, if he doesn’t know…then our feelings won’t help him at all.

The feeling I want to send…when Fan started writing letters to me, the reason was like this as well.

“When you realized you liked Phii Jo, what did you do?” I asked.

“I showed it, I was straightforward, even gave him chocolates.”    “You gave chocolates before you were even dating?” Ter said. “It’s not a big deal, my heart was already with him, why should I deny it?”

“I really like you, man,” Ter said, laughing, “You’re truly the charge-forward type.”

“I couldn’t do what you did,” I said softly, about being the type to charge through everything like North. I just couldn’t do it.    “You don’t have to do it like me, just do it your way,” North raised his eyebrows and said, “Express it in your own way.”    “Yeah, that’s right,” I nodded in understanding.

“So, let’s do this…we start by sending the first letter,” Daotok was silent for a while, probably thinking during our conversation, “Along with something small, like a bottle of water. You don’t have to write much.”

We all fell silent to listen to Dao speak.

“It won’t seem like you’re coming on too strong, at first, don’t send letters too often. Gauge Tonfah’s reaction first. If he seems okay with it, then we can send letters more frequently, but if he doesn’t seem okay, we might need to back off.”    “Back off?” Ter asked.

“Yeah, it means he’s not interested. Being too persistent might make you seem like a stalker.”

“Oh, right, right,” Ter nodded rapidly, “I remember, Phii Hill told us that Phii Fah once had a stalker. At first, they sent normal gifts, which Phii Fah accepted kindly, but then it got too intense, it was really scary.”

“And what happened?” I asked, frowning with concern.

“Phii Jo handled it,” North said, “Phii Jo told me about it too.”    “Yeah, it wasn’t hard to track him down, Phii Hill said, and at that time, Phii Jo was really angry too,” Ter continued, making me feel even more uncomfortable.

“So, will Phii Jo come after me?”

“…cat.”

“…Phoon.”

“What…what?”

“You shouldn’t ask such things,” North sighed slightly, “If they knew it was you, Phii Jo wouldn’t do anything, but how would Phii Jo know it’s you?”

“Then we need to be careful not to get caught,” Ter said.    “We’ll just send it normally, like you’re just a junior who secretly likes Phii Fah, there’s nothing strange about that. How many people do you think send things or snacks to Phii Fah each day?”    “…That’s true,” I agreed with what North said. Phii Fah probably gets a lot of stuff every day, so would he even read my letter…    “It’s fine, our advantage is consistency,” North said, “Keep sending them, he’ll soften up eventually. We have another four years before

Phii Fah graduates from university.”

“Four years?”

“Are you discouraged, Phoon? How long have you loved Phii Fah?”

“Since I knew what love is.”

“So, all your life so far.”

“Yes, all my life so far.”

“Then can you love him for another four years?”

“I can love him for the rest of my life from now on.”

I said this and couldn’t help but smile, which made the other three smile along with me.

   I started writing the first letter. Technically, it wasn’t the start of the semester yet, but the third-year medical students had already begun classes. They said it was make-up for classes they hadn’t even taken yet. Today, the senior med students were in class, so North and Ter could come over to my room. Otherwise, it would be hard to go out.    Daotok taught me how to write in a different handwriting style, which was pretty tough but I was starting to get the hang of it. North said we’d probably have to entrust it to someone they don’t know or sneak it into the classroom where Phii Fah would be studying. The first rule was that no one should see us, and the second was to make sure Phii Fah would receive it.

   “They have a lab session this afternoon,” Ter said while looking at

Phii Hill’s class schedule on his phone, “Should we sneak it in?”    “Isn’t that a bit risky?” Dao asked with a concerned look.    “It’s eleven o’clock now, probably in another building, but the real issue is whether there’ll be anyone in the lab.”

“It’s so complicated if we’re going to do it this way. We don’t have to go through all this trouble, do we?” North asked.

“Start with this for now, if it progresses later, we can arrange to leave something somewhere,” Dao said, “Just make sure one of Phii

Fah’s friends sees it, maybe they’ll give it to him.”

“And, Phoon, have you finished writing?”

“Hmm, can I just put a smiley face?”

“Oh, Phoon, what was the point of having Dao teach you to write then?” North held his forehead, “Write something.”

“Eat well?”

“That’s too ordinary.”

“North, what do you want, something more dramatic?” I turned to ask. I had already written a lot, unsure of what to write, having thrown away plenty of paper into the trash, “Study hard?”

“It’s too ordinary, Phoon. We need to be different to stand out, not like everyone else who sends things to Phii Fah. Something like…when you read it, you go, ‘Damn, that’s good, it sticks in your mind, man.’” North folded his arms, his expression serious.

“Phii Fah…I freaking like you so much.”    I said it jokingly.

“…Damn, that works.”

“Oh shit, that one’s really good,” Ter said, laughing loudly, “It’s memorable, really stands out.”

“Hey, I was joking. You guys…” I sighed deeply. Why did I have to say I liked him in such a hardcore way?

“I agree too.”

“…Dao.”

“It’s funny, Phii Fah will definitely laugh.”    Really?

“Go for it, Phoon, trust me, I think it’ll work. I’m like Cupid, every ship I board sinks.”

I looked at the speaker, what did that mean? And in the end, after being heavily persuaded by everyone, especially since I’m easily influenced:

“Okay, I’ve written it.”

“Here…”

“Like this…”

Phii Fah…I fucking love you so much.

   “Is your love this intense?” North said with a big laugh, “But calling him ‘Phii, he knows you’re his junior.”    “Yeah, won’t it be too obvious?” I said.

“Nah, the way you talk isn’t like you at all,” Ter said, “If it were me,

I wouldn’t think it’s you.”

“Alright then.”

“Alright then.”    Really?

While all my friends seemed confident, I felt my heart sink into the pit of my stomach, especially with North who seemed more confident than the others.

We came to the medical faculty where not many people were downstairs, probably because most were in class. The place looked secretive, hidden, a group of four guys that didn’t seem trustworthy at all.

“Did you buy snacks?”

“Yeah, one pack. I don’t know if Phii Fah will like it, but I want to give it to him,” I said. It was a brown paper bag, with “To…Phii Tonfah” written on the front. Inside were snacks, a drink, and a piece of paper.

“Won’t it look like you’re trying too hard? Dao himself said to be careful, and this word is pretty strong,” I whispered, worried, looking at the paper bag in my hand with uncertainty.

“What are you afraid of, Phoon? Make an impression, I told you not to be ordinary like others, believe me, he’ll be interested in you.”

“Interested in a negative way?”

“Not negatively, Phii Fah will like it, trust me.”

I didn’t want to trust North’s words, “Trust me.”

“Hey, hey, hey, you, you…That’s Phii Arthit, right?” Ter nudged, looking up to see Phii Arthit walking down to the bathroom.    “Put it in front of the bathroom, then Phii Arthit will take it to Phii

Fah,” North suggested, “Come on, I’ll put it there myself.” North snatched the paper bag from my hand, took it into the bathroom, and then quickly ran back. We waited eagerly to see the result, hoping Phii Arthit would come out with the paper bag.

He really came out with it…

   I hope Phii Arthit doesn’t open the bag to look.

   Oh…he opened it anyway.

   North tried to hold back his laughter when he saw Phii Arthit take out that piece of paper, and then he burst out laughing, put the paper back in the bag, and took out some snacks.

   Don’t mess with my stuff…

   “Wait, he’s eating it right away,” North said, “Phii Arthit is eating my snacks, why would he do that? I bought them for Phii Fah!” “I think we gave it to the wrong person.”

“Yeah, that’s it.”

“It’s like…”

“It’s okay. It’s just snacks, the paper should reach him.”

“How sure can we be about that?”

“Why did it have to be Phii Arthit who went to the bathroom?” I said with a big sigh. Even though it wasn’t anything expensive, I intended to give it to Phii Fah. Well, let’s just say we treated Phii Arthit to some snacks; maybe he skipped breakfast and was hungry.    “Phii Arthit…” Daotok called out the name of the snack thief. We turned to look at the person sitting next to us. I was drinking fresh milk. We were now at the coffee shop behind the university.

“What is it?”

“Oh, nothing. Just thinking that…”

“That?”

“Nothing.”

I raised my eyebrows slightly in surprise before we paid no more attention to it. Daotok is always like this, like someone with a lot on his mind but doesn’t speak out. We’ve tried to ask before. I think it’s just his nature not to talk much.    The opposite of North, who talks a lot…

“Your love is turning into shit now, Phoon.”

“Fuck, that’s a harsh thing to say, North,” I raised my hand to my forehead at the words of the guy sitting across from me, “It’s just snacks, snacks! He eats snacks, not my love.”

“Let’s pray that the paper reaches Phii Fah,” North changed the subject, “and pray that the message on that paper works too.”    “Why do we need to pray if you’re so confident?” I asked, furrowing my brows.

“Seriously, Phoon?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not confident at all. I was just messing with you.”

“Fuck you, North!!”

“Phoon.”

“Huh?”

“Someone asked me to give you this.” Arthit sat down next to me, placing the brown paper bag on the table. I didn’t look up because I was too focused on my writing.

“What’s this?”

“An empty bag.”

“An empty bag?”

“Kidding, there’s snacks in it too.”

“But you ate them already?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” I shrugged slightly, not paying much attention; Arthit is always like this. I’m used to it, and besides, I don’t even like snacks.

“Why don’t you look inside?”

“You said there were only snacks.”

“There’s something else too.”

I reached for the paper bag, opened it, and found a small bottle of water and a piece of paper inside.

“Why is it?” I turned to ask; there wasn’t anything particularly strange about it.

“Read it first, you’re just asking questions all the time.”    “Arthit, you sound like you don’t want to submit any work this term,” Johan, who was sitting across from me, spoke up while still bent over his work.

I reached for the piece of paper, and when I read the sentence written on it, I was quite surprised.

   Phii Fah…I freaking like you so much.

   “Why are you smiling, Fah?”

“No reason.”

“…”

“It’s cute.”

Time passed, about one week, until the second year started after giving that piece of paper to Phii Fah. Nothing more came of it, and when North told me it was just a prank, my confidence took a big hit.

“Hey, I said it was a prank, but it might work, you know, ouch!”

“You pranked me, huh?”

“Ter, help me, Dao, why is your cat so aggressive?”

“Serves you right, North, it’s good that you get some too. It won’t hurt, it’s just a pillow.”

I got back at North by hitting him in the face with the pillow from the sofa in the shop.

   Sigh…it’s not that bad, Phoon, it might be a good start like North said, if it wasn’t for the fact that the snacks were eaten too.    Now it’s past eight in the evening. I’ve finished studying. Even though I’m not sure if I should take the doctor’s exam again, it’s better to study just in case I decide to do so. If I do, I’ll have to stay away from these guys, which I’m not too keen on.

   The group chat notification sounded; it’s the group with the four of us, named “Taking the Cat for Vaccinations.” North changed the group name after I hit him with the pillow that day.

   SS: The new term is starting.

   It was Daotok who texted, the “SS” being short for Shooting Star, which means Daotok.

-dust-: That’s right, Dao, are you excited? lol    ss: No, it’s the cat that should be excited.

   -dust-: Why?    ss: @Northe

   North♣‘: What the fuck

   North♣‘: Going to sleep    Easter: Wrong group?

   North♣‘: Oh, sorry, lol

   North♣‘: About the letter for Phii Fah.

   North♣‘: Have you started writing? Tomorrow is the start of the term, we’re going to give it to him.    -dust-: Okay, are you sure this time?

   North♣‘: Yeah. No more pranks, lol

   North♣‘: Just write normally, you can add some snacks or something.    -dust-: Okay

   -dust-: sends sticker

   I went back to sit at the table and started thinking about the letter again. At first, when I said I wasn’t confident, I thought it was better not to write it, but after the chat just now, I guess I have to move forward because there’s no other way, and everyone is trying to help this much.

The notification sound rang again. This time, it was Daotok messaging separately.

SS: The cat

   :. I’ve thought about telling you many times.

   ss: But I didn’t dare.

   -dust-: What is it?    ss: It’s just that…    ss: What you wrote said you like him.

   -dust-: Oh, why’s that?    -dust-: Is it not okay, TT?    ss: No, no. Just writing it like that, it’s obvious that it’s from a second-year student.

   : Because at that time, the first years weren’t there yet.    ss: But the cat once said Tonfah tutors a junior, right?

   ss: It probably won’t be too obvious then.

   Oh…it’s messed up now.

   -dust-: It’s probably really obvious, indeed.

   If you use “I” and “you” like that, it definitely means you’re a second-year student. The chance of it being a first-year is slim because they wouldn’t know much yet, and they wouldn’t know that the doctor has classes before the term starts.

Why didn’t I think of this before, Phoon?

-dust-: What should we do…    ss: If Tonfah hasn’t received the letter yet, then it should be fine.    ss: But if he has received it, we’ll have to say it was written by mistake. Or just say it was a prank.    ss: Just a suggestion, but the cat can do whatever.

   -dust-: Okay, thanks for letting me know.    -dust: Guess I’ll have to say it was a prank.

   ss: No problem.    ss: Hope tomorrow is a good day for the cat!

   -dust: Hope it’s a good day for Dao too.

   “Why does it have to be chocolate milk?”

“Because I like it,” I replied. Today, I invited North out early to send the letter. Now, we’re at 7-Eleven to buy snacks for Phii Fah, right near the engineering faculty.    “Just one box of milk?”

“A whole pack would be fine.”

“Are you trying to be Typhoon, the big spender?”

“Uh-huh.”

“One box of milk, some bread should be enough, I guess.”

“Right.”

“And what about the letter?”

“I don’t know,” I said, slightly annoyed, “I haven’t written it yet. I don’t know what to write.”

“We’ve already made a grand entrance. We need to keep up the extravagant theme.”

“Enough already, why do we have to go big every day?” I said as North and I walked out of the store after buying everything. I put the items into the bag I had prepared. I bought one box of chocolate milk and a tuna sandwich, choosing only things I liked.

“Do you have a bag too?”

“Giving a 7-Eleven bag might make it look too simple.”

“Hurry up and write it, I have class soon.”

“Yeah, I know.” I sat down on a bench, taking out a pen and paper to start writing, “How should I do this? Do you have any ideas?”    “Hmm…” North went quiet, thinking, “Phii Fah. I fucking love you so much.”

“You’re crazy, are you going to write the same thing again?”    “I don’t know, Phoon, I’m not delicate enough to understand, I guess.”    “Probably so.”

I fell silent, pondered for a while, then decided to start writing on the paper:    To…Tonfah,

   I guess you might not have had breakfast yet; this sandwich is pretty good. I can confirm because I eat it often, and the chocolate milk is tasty too, plus milk is good for health. Please drink it.

   I hope you won’t be sleepy after studying today.

   …

“Why do I have to study and not feel sleepy?”

“Normally, doctors look sleepy during lectures.”

“And why does it have to be me and you?”

“Dao said using ‘I’ and ‘you’ makes it obvious that it’s from a secondyear,” I explained. North’s eyes widened in surprise, guessing he hadn’t thought of it either, just like me. Then we parted ways. I don’t know who North entrusted it to, but he said he trusted them. So did I.

…

Until the evening when classes ended, I immediately called North.

“How did it go?”

(Well…he accepted it.)

   “Just that?”

(Yeah, he accepted it, and there was nothing else.)

   “Okay…”

(Don’t get discouraged, I told you we need to be consistent.

Everyone falls for consistency.)

   “I know. That’s all for now.”

(K.)

   :

We might have overlooked one important point: how many people are consistently with Phii Fah…Ah, well. It’s fine. No one has loved Phii Fah as long as I have, at least I’m confident about that.

I continued sending snacks and letters, but not every day, because North said that Cupid isn’t always free. I don’t know who North entrusts it to, but it must be quite a bother for them, and Dao suggested not to send it every day. So, I’ve been sending it every two to three days.

A month has passed…

Hmm…

“It’s been a month,” Ter said with a worried frown. Now we’ve gathered again to discuss our problems. This time even Foam joined,

“Has there been any progress?”

“Hmph,” North shook his head, “My Cupid said Phii Fah accepted it with a smile. That’s it.”

“Received with good intentions,” Foam said with a sigh, “Phii Fah’s friend, your boyfriends don’t mention you at all?”

“None/nothing,” North and Ter shook their heads in unison.

“Cat, how are you doing with the letter?”

“Just the usual, wishing for a good day, eat well,” I said, my shoulders slumping. I knew it was too ordinary, but what could I do? This is me. If you ask what I want to do for someone I love, this is the answer.

“Isn’t it too ordinary?” said Foam.

“I’m just an ordinary guy, I can’t do anything more special.”    “It’s alright,” North spoke up, “This kind of ordinariness is what lasts the longest,” he said, revealing a smile.

I smiled broadly; Phii Jo fell for your smile, North, he wasn’t kidding.

“Let’s move forward.”

“Keep doing it like this, huh?” I raised an eyebrow, asking.

“Yeah, keep being this ordinary. Just be yourself, Typhoon.”

“Uh, thanks, North.”

   On some days, I noticed that Phii Fah looked tired. I would send more snacks than usual, some coffee, and write lots of encouragement. The thought of missing someone only means something if it reaches them, right? Here, at least, it has reached him.    At least, Phii Fah ate the snacks I bought, read my little letters. It might not mean much to Phii Fah, but my encouragement has been delivered.

   “Being like this might not be so bad.”

“You seem okay,” North raised an eyebrow, taking the snack bag from my hand, “Are you okay with just loving from afar?”

“It’s not bad. Even if I want to talk, if this is all I can get, then so be it,” I shrugged lightly and gave him a smile. North himself let out a small smile.

“You don’t look sad, I think that’s good.”

“Yeah, at least it has reached him.”

“That’s good, as long as you’re at peace with it.”

“Huh.”

I watched North walk away from the shop area. If you really count the time, it’s been two months since I’ve been doing this. It’s become a habit for me to wake up early to buy things, wait for North, and then give him the stuff.

Daotok started worrying that his plan might not work, but I told him it’s fine, there’s nothing better than Dao’s plan; this is the best way to go.    (Typhoon.)

   “What’s with you, giving me goosebumps.”

(Typhoon, are you free?)

   “What’s wrong with you, North?”

(Just kidding, it feels weird to speak politely.)

   “Damn, what’s up?”

(Come here.)

   “Why?”

(Come down here, I’m under the faculty.)

   “Come on, I’m in class.”

(Sneak down for a bit, I need to get back to my faculty, or Phii

Jo will find out.)

   “Alright.”

I asked the professor to go to the bathroom and went down to meet North under the faculty. Even though I didn’t know why he came, I went to meet him.

“What’s up?” I asked North, who was waiting there.

“Here.” The other handed me a bag.

“What’s this?”

“Open it and see.”

I took the bag and opened it to look inside.

It was one box of chocolate milk and a tuna sandwich, with a small piece of paper in the bag that read…

The chocolate milk and sandwich are really delicious, really.

   Please eat it all: )

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 13: We Are The Team!

   I hardly slept last night because I kept thinking about what Phii Hill said all night. Now I’m sitting blankly on a chair with an empty mind. Being used to sleeping little has made me quite accustomed to this state; it feels like my brain is functioning several times slower.    The morning is pleasantly clear. It’s not too hot. I didn’t forget to take a picture of the sky like I always do. The paper Phii Fah wrote yesterday, I’ve stuck it up for daily inspiration. If I encounter something bad, I can remind myself that it’s nothing.

I’ve decided to tell my friends the whole truth; it’s about time. I think I’m ready for it too. Otherwise, they’ll keep wondering. There have been many incidents where I’ve avoided Phii Fah, and I bet Ter and North have noticed.

Last night, our art club group was chatting on LINE. I decided to tell Dao too. I’ve been getting closer to Daotok; he’s someone who’s hard to get along with. In reality, Dao is quite playful and kind, but he told me about being betrayed by school friends and an ex, making him hesitant to trust anyone. However, Daotok trusts us and shares everything.

When I first learned about Dao’s story, it made me realize everyone has their own unique struggles. When Dao was left alone, it must not have been easy, but he got through it. Even Ter has had his share of bad experiences, like misunderstanding Phii Hill and fighting at home.

In the end, everything got better.

I thought I was doing better after meeting everyone, but deep down, family issues still haunt me, like a knot that keeps hurting and consuming me. I hope, as Ter said, that by speaking out, though they might not be able to help, at least they won’t leave.

As for what Phii Hill said yesterday about thanking Khun Phii Fah, I really don’t understand what he meant. Someone like Phii Hill doesn’t forget things; he must have said it intentionally to make me think about it, or maybe it’s a hint. Why would I need to thank Khun Phii Fah? What’s going on?

I’ve been pondering these questions all night until I got tired of thinking. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. I peeked and saw Ter and North standing outside.

“Hey,” I greeted, “What are you carrying so much?”

“Sweets, from Phii Jo’s mom. She sent too much, so we’re sharing,” North said, placing the bags full of treats on the table.

“Oh, really, thanks,” I said happily before checking what kind of sweets they were, “And Dao?”

“He’ll be here soon, he’s still on the second bus,” Ter replied, coming over to look in the bags with me. North flopped onto the bed.

“Oh, you greedy bastards!”

“Then you’re not eating, huh?” Ter said.

“Eat up,” North said, scanning the room, “Sit in a circle, so we can eat snacks together.”    “On the floor?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

The three of us moved the snacks to the center of the room and sat in a circle, chatting casually until Daotok arrived. Now, the four of us sat in a circle, chatting so much we forgot why we came here in the first place.

“Okay, what’s the purpose of our gathering today?” North asked.

“My issue.”

“Yeah, your issue,” North said, still chewing on some snacks, “If you don’t want us to interfere so much, just say so.”

“Hold on. It doesn’t mean that,” I said with a slight laugh, “I mean, it’s about my issue.”

“Yeah, I know it’s about your issue. We won’t interfere, you jerk.”    “Why are you getting so mad?” I laughed because of North’s exaggerated, angry demeanor, “Let’s talk about my issue, how should

I explain this?”

“Go ahead.”

“Is it that simple?” I raised my eyebrows to ask.

“Yeah, come on, I’m waiting to hear it.”

“You’re so impatient, North,” Ter said, “It’s probably hard to explain.”

“So what?” North asked, “Is it a secret?”    “Secret,” I nodded.

“How secret?”

“How good are you at keeping secrets, North?”

“Ugh, I really don’t want to be involved in this,” North said casually, “You know, even the President trusts me to remember the nuclear codes.”

“Really that much?” I asked, widening my eyes at him.

“Yeah, I’m super good at keeping secrets.”

“For real?” Ter asked, making a face of disbelief.

“Yeah, I’ve kept one friend’s secret about liking another friend for a whole year now, man.”

Is that considered good at keeping secrets?

   “Hmm, well…actually, I don’t want you to tell anyone else,” I started speaking seriously, “It’s quite a secret, a real secret. Don’t tell anyone, especially not the doctors.”

“…”

Everyone began to frown seriously, except for North, who still had that innocent look.    “North.”

“Hmm, what?”

“Agreed?”

“Yeah, do you think I’m the type to blab?”

“Completely.”

“Very funny, Phoon. I know when to be serious,” North said, pouting in annoyance.

“Okay, it might not be…something you think is a big deal, but it’s my whole life up to now, my life before I met you guys. I just ask that you don’t hate me for this,” I said, clasping both hands together. My hands were turning cold because of the silence in the room and the growing tension, making me hear my own heartbeat.

“Do we look like the type to hate you?” Ter asked, “Right, Dao?”    “We don’t hate cats, even if they scratch our faces,” Daotok said, which made me smile involuntarily, “You can scratch, just take us for shots afterward.”

“Alright, I’ll start…”

And then I began telling the whole story to the three of them, everything, from when I was a kid, the story about Phii Fah, Fan, my family issues, the punishments I’ve endured, everything. It took nearly half an hour to tell. Ter listened with a tense look, Dao too, while North seemed more angry than anything.

“Damn.”

“North, calm down.”

“What’s with your dad?”

“North…” Ter warned, knowing North was hot-headed. I understood well; it was really frustrating, indeed.

“It’s fine,” I spoke up, “I’m a bit angry too.”

“Sigh, sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, really,” North sighed.

“It’s okay, North, you can speak. Go ahead.”

“Uh, I just wanted to say not everyone is suited to be a parent.”    “Hmm,” I nodded slightly, looking down at my tightly clasped hands, “But he’s already my father.”    “Sigh, you’re amazing, Phoon,” North said.

“Me?”

“Yeah, you’re incredibly strong, you know that?”

“Really?”

“Yes, thanks for getting through it,” Ter said, getting up to kneel, spreading his arms wide, “Come here for a hug.”

“…Ter.”

I called out softly to the person in front of me, tears I didn’t know where they came from slowly dripped down. I slowly went in to hug Ter, resting my face on his shoulder.

“Hic…hic, sob…”

“You crybaby,” North said, before gently patting my back in a comforting manner.

“There, there, kitty,” Daotok also came in for a gentle hug. I reached out my other arm to hug Dao as well.

“…Thank you, guys.”

After crying and hugging them, I went to the bathroom to wash my face, then came out to find the troublesome bunch messing with my desk.

“What are you doing?”

“Is this your sister Fan?”

“Hmm, why?”

“I thought you were a fan of this artist and this was your idol, that’s why there are so many photos,” North said, already sitting comfortably in my chair, “This way, you must miss your brother a lot.”

“Well, yeah,” I said softly, slumping down on the bed.

“How about putting up a photo of me? So you can miss me too.”

“…Probably not a good idea.”

“North is trying to insert himself into your nostalgia, Phoon,” Ter said, coming to sit next to me. Meanwhile, Dao stood beside North, scanning the table with his eyes.    “Does the cat write letters every day?”

“Yes.”

“Wow, if it were me, I’d be so lazy.”

“I thought you’d like drawing and writing,” I said.

“That’s work,” Daotok said, “I like doing work.”

“No work, no money, people need to eat and spend, right, Dao?” North said, pulling out his wallet, searching for something, then placing a student ID photo on the table, “Do you have scissors?”

“North, what are you doing?”

“Pasting my photo, of course.”

“You’re sticking up a student ID photo?”

“Yeah, I don’t have any other photos. Here, scissors,” North rummaged through my drawer without asking, cutting out his photo from the blue background, “Glue?”

“Do I have to read while looking at your photo, seriously?” I asked, frowning. He’s even cutting it out; he must really mean it.    “Here’s the glue.” Found glue too. Shouldn’t have put used stuff in the drawer. “Do you want photos of Ter and Dao too?”

“No, thanks.”

“Why?” Ter shot back quickly, “Why do you have a photo of North but not of me?”

“…”

“I won’t accept this, Phoon, I won’t, I’m upset, right, Dao?”    “Hmm, why are you doing this, cat? You don’t love your friends equally,” Dao said, frowning seriously, just like Ter who was pretending to be pouty beside me.

What’s this all about…

   “Phoon loves me. Don’t you know that?” North said, shrugging slightly, sticking his photo he just cut out with glue, “The loser has to take care of themselves, okay?”

“What’s ‘okay’ in your house?”

“Hey, Ter, you’re so harsh,” North said, laughing out loud.

“What do you want, Phoon? Choose me, Dao, or North.”    “Why do we have to take sides?” I asked.

“Choose, there’s North. No need for me.”

“Now it’s getting out of hand,” I said, laughing, “What is this? Can’t

I choose both sides?”

“Phoon, you two-timer,” Ter stood up and pointed at me, “Didn’t you say we’d love each other forever?”

“Oh, so you broke up with me to be with Phoon, huh?” North chimed in, remembering that these two had just broken up, “How could you do this, Ter?”    “You’re old news, get out.”

“I’m hurt, Phoon, come here.”

“What?”

“You stole Ter from me.”

“Hold on.”

“Let’s talk like men.”

“…Sigh, Dao, stop them, please,” I turned to Daotok for help when I saw that Ter and North weren’t going to back down. Initially, they were fighting over me, but now they were arguing about breaking up. However, Daotok just stood there, trying not to laugh while recording a video.

“So, in summary, it’s a love triangle. At first, North and Ter were dating, then Ter broke up with North over some chocolate issue, and then Ter started liking Phoon, but Phoon chose North instead,”

Daotok explained, “It’s up to Phoon now to choose.”

“I don’t want to choose either.”

“Life requires choices.”

“Then choose Dao.”

“Ohhh,” North dragged out the sound, “In that case, me and Ter will get back together.”

“Fine, but you can’t steal my chocolate again.”

“For the sake of the younger brother, I can do it.”

“So, you guys are back together now? You just broke up yesterday,” I said with a sigh. North is nonsensical, Ter usually goes along with it, and so does Daotok.

“Hey, Phoon, can I print something?”

“Sure, why?”

“I need to print something,” North’s words made me get up to see.

“Why do you want to print a Naruto picture?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.

“I want to put my face on it.” North printed the picture, cut out just Naruto’s body, and then pasted his own face from the student ID photo onto it, “I’ve pasted it.”    “No, no, damn it.”

“I’ve already pasted it.”

“…Fck.”

Now, on the wall next to my desk, there’s an image of North as Naruto.

   What the fck…

   Seriously, fck.

   The point is, I have to sit at this desk every day to study, looking at North’s Naruto face every single day.

   Damn…

   “Fcking hilarious,” Ter said, laughing out loud, “And his head is bigger than the body, your photo is too large, man.”    “Why does it have to be Naruto?” I asked.

“I want to be Hokage.”

Hmm…protect the village too, Lord Hokage.

   “Ter, are you in?”

“Sure.”

Ask me first; it’s my wall…

And then Ter became Chubby Maruko, because the torso part of the picture was a bit small, sticking beside North, who was Naruto.

Maruko-chan…isn’t your face stranger than usual?

“Dao, are you interested?”

“Yeah, why not.”

Sigh…can’t stop them anymore, do whatever you want.

   And then Daotok became Shin-chan, with North using the image of Shin-chan with his pants down.

   “Why does it have to be Shin-chan?”

“We like Shin-chan.”

“Okay.”

“Phoon, are you in?”

“No.”

“What do you like? How about a cat?”

“No.”

“How about Jiji, the cat from ‘Kiki’s Delivery Service’? It’s cute, right?” Daotok suggested.

“Too cute,” North said, “When we talk about cats, which one comes to mind?”

“Doraemon,” Ter said.

“Yeah, yeah, the chubby one is good.”

“North,” I called his name in a low voice, but it seemed too late.    He started printing out a picture of Doraemon, intentionally scaling it down a bit so he could paste my face onto it, and I became Doraemon, with an even bigger head, still a cat, but now a 21stcentury robot cat.

At first, the wall had nice, dreamy pictures, but now it’s just full of cartoon characters, and they’re all terrible. Sorry, Fan, your picture has to be next to these ones.

“Come on, when you’re feeling down while studying, seeing these will definitely de-stress you,” North said.

“It’ll stress me out even more. Look at your faces, these student ID photos, damn it.”

“Your face is so puffy, North,” Ter said after staring at North’s student ID photo.

“Too much light, man, your eyes look cross-eyed.”

“How can my eyes be cross-eyed? I was looking straight at the camera,” Ter said, “But Dao’s photo turned out nice.” Daotok gave a shy, small smile at the compliment.

Then we all sat back in a circle like before. North suggested we play poker. I remembered we played last time too, when Dao read my fortune and commented on my love life. I had completely forgotten about that.

“Want to read fortunes?” North suggested. He’s very into fortunetelling, believes in it wholeheartedly, even admitting to being quite superstitious.

“Can’t do it today,” Dao said.

“Why?”

“It’s closed…like, can’t do it.”

“Oh,” we nodded in understanding, “Hey, Dao.”

“What?”

“Since you’re good at reading fortunes…do you have any special senses?”

My question made Ter and North look at each other, and Daotok went silent.    “If I said I did?”

“Then I’d like to ask…”

“Phoon,” North called my name with a trembling voice. He’s the type of guy who’s not scared of anything in the world, except for ghosts, which scare the wits out of him.

“We don’t have any.”

“…”

“Really, I have no sense for this.”

I sighed without knowing why; Daotok gave a small smile before we went back to playing cards.

“By the way, what about the gift you mentioned?” North suddenly remembered, “The one for someone named Ren, have you kept it?”

“Kept it.”

“Want to see it.”

“Sure.” I got up from the card circle and went to fetch four boxes, placing them in the middle of the room. Everyone immediately turned their attention to them.

“Who’s this Ren?” North asked while examining the box, opening it to look inside.

“You really think it’s your mom, don’t you?” Ter asked, also opening another box.

“Hmm, I wish it was.”

“So, Ren is you?”

“I don’t know.”

“It might be a name your mom gave you before your dad changed it to Typhoon,” North suggested.

“I don’t know. I don’t know where to find evidence or information,” I said, frustrated. There was only the name Ren written on it. What should I do with this?

“If you sent it to the wrong person, that would be funny.”    “Yeah, what if we sent it to the wrong person?” I nodded in agreement with North.

“If it really is your mom, what will you do?” North asked, making me pause. That’s right…if it really is my mom, what would I do next?

“Would you meet her?”

“I don’t know, but I want to, I want to ask everything, but another part of me is scared, I don’t know.”

“Go for it.”

“…”

North’s words made me turn to look at him.

“Just go meet him, at least you’ll meet.”

“Hmm.”

“This is…” Daotok’s voice made us all turn to look. Dao picked up a robot model from a box, “This robot is a limited edition.”    “Really?” I asked, eyes wide with disbelief, crawling over to Dao.    “Yeah, produced only in the year 2008, just at the beginning of the year.”

“Wow…” I looked at it, stunned, “So, it’s really rare then.”    “Yeah, I’ve seen people looking for it. Only a few were made.”    “Is that true?” Ter raised his eyebrows to ask.

“It’s true. I’ve been collecting things like this since I was a kid; I wanted one too,” Dao said, his eyes sparkling as he looked at the robot in his hand, probably really fond of it.

“Where was it produced?” I asked.

“Japan.”

“Then we have a little clue, right?” North said, “This gift was sent in 2008, it might have been sent from Japan, but there are several possibilities.”

Yes…as North said, there are many possibilities. The person who sent it could be in Japan and sent it from there, or it could be a tourist who bought it in Japan.

“I think it might be a Japanese person.”    “Why?” I turned to ask Dao. “Foreigners probably wouldn’t know about it much, since there were so few of them, and at that time, the company wasn’t very well-known either. Only Japanese people would go and buy it.”

“So, that means the percentage of it being bought by a Japanese person is higher, right?”    “Yes, that’s what I think.”

“But there’s still a chance they might have asked someone else to buy it.”

“Hmm, that’s true.”

“But at least, these items were probably sent from Japan to Thailand,” Daotok said, “Models like these break easily, they wouldn’t ship them frequently. Just once from Japan to Thailand would be enough.”

“Oh,” I nodded in understanding.

“If we can find out who sent models from Japan to Thailand in 2008, we might find the sender,” North said, “But how would we do that?”

“That’s the question.”

“Would there only be one person sending models?” Ter asked.

“Yeah, that’s the point.”

And then the four of us sat pondering for a while. In the end, we couldn’t figure out how to trace the sender. With just a little information from Daotok, we had to put the boxes back where they were.

   We continued talking about my situation while still playing cards, discussing family matters that all three of them said were hard to swallow because he’s still my father. And about Phii Fah…    “So, you like Phii Fah, right?” North asked. I nodded slightly, embarrassed when asked so directly; it made me feel quite shy.    “Coincidentally, you are friends with Phii Hill and Phii Jo too,”

Daotok said, “It must be fate.”    “Too coincidental,” I said.

“And what are you going to do? Is it good to continue like this?” Ter asked.

“It’s not good, it’s driving me crazy.”

“Hmm. We’ve noticed it too, Ter told me he felt something odd between you and Phii Fah,” North said.

“Do you think Phii Fah will be angry?”

“I don’t know, but he did contact me yesterday,” I said.

“And you, North, if someone told you that you’re annoying?”

“Fuck, if I’m annoying, they can get lost.”

“You need to calm down, man,” I said, laughing a little, “You guys are dating friends of Phii Fah, and my dad is even more suspicious of me.”

“Being suspicious for nothing.”

“Probably afraid I’ll approach Phii Fah.”

“Then just go approach him.”

“No way,” I shook my head gently at North, “If my dad finds out, he might really make me change schools, and he always accuses me of being a liar.”

“…”

“I don’t want to be what he accuses me of. I once lied to Phii Fah, and I’ve felt guilty about it until now.”

“Yeah, so what should you do?” North said, sounding exasperated, “I don’t know how to advise you. If someone asks me how to handle liking someone secretly, I’d just say go for it.”

“You’re the charge-forward type,” Ter told North, “There must be a way. You want to talk to Phii Fah, right?”

“Yeah, just want to talk, just a normal conversation. I just want to know how he’s doing.”

“It’s not that hard,” Daotok said in a calm tone.

“How?”

“You promised not to bother Tonfah, right?”

“Hmm.”

“Then you don’t have to let Tonfah know it’s you.”

“How?” North furrowed his brows, looking puzzled, “Have Phoon wear a mask to talk to Phii Fah?”

“North, you dimwit,” Ter said, “So what’s your plan, Dao?”

“Write a letter. Don’t you like writing letters?”    Oh…right.

   Write a letter…

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 12: Little Paper

   “So, are you going or not?”

(What?)

   “Fah, can you hear me?”

(What did you say, Hill?)

   “Are you going for dinner?”

(Uh, probably not.)

   “Why?”

(I’d rather not go.)

   “Because of Phoon?”

(Hmm, I won’t go, the kid will feel more at ease.)

   “You overthink.”

(No, it’s true, if I go, the kid won’t enjoy the meal.)

   “Sigh, just talk to each other once, it’s awkward for me.” (Do you even want to talk to me? You don’t even look at my face.)    “Fah.”

(What?)

   “Okay, I won’t ask anymore.”

(It’s okay.)

   “Every time we talk about Phoon, you act like this.”

(I’m okay, Hill.)

   “I’ll tell them you’re not available.”

(Thanks.)

  

…

Blue or black?

I stood looking at my shirts hanging in the wardrobe, unable to decide which color to wear. I’m not good at dressing, and I don’t have many clothes. I usually wear the same color tones repeatedly, not paying much attention to my attire, but…I’m going to see Phii Fah.    Maybe I’m too excited, Typhoon…it’s just a gathering with friends, not like Phii Fah will even look at me.

A year has passed, not like Phii Fah hasn’t tried to talk to me…he’s made attempts to start a conversation, it seems like he wants to greet me, but it’s me who has to avoid him.

Dad knows that my friend is dating Phii Fah’s friend. He called and scolded me, asking if I was messing with him. Of course, I wasn’t, but Dad was still angry, he didn’t believe me at all.

He called me a liar, probably afraid that I might tell Phii Fah that, in reality, he’s not the good man everyone says he is. Not the head of the family or the image he portrays to society; it’s just a facade.

He’s just afraid of the truth…but it’s still the truth. Even if I can’t say it.

After changing my clothes, I sat waiting for Ter and Phii Hill to pick me up. While sitting around in my room, my phone rang. At first, I thought it was Ter calling to say they had arrived, but the screen showed the name of the person I least wanted to talk to right now.

Dad…

It’s definitely not good if Dad is calling…

I tried to take a deep breath and compose myself before answering the call.    “Yes?”

(You have to transfer universities.)

   “What!…uh, what? Suddenly…”

(I’ve decided, since you didn’t pass the medical exam, there’s no need for you to stay there.)

   “How…how can you say that? Didn’t you say if Phoon doesn’t bother Phii Fah, I could stay here?” My brows furrowed unconsciously, and my heart started beating faster.

(How would I know if you’re not bothering him?)

   “Dad…I haven’t bothered Phii Fah at all.”

(Your friend is dating Tonfah’s friend. How can I believe that?)

   “What more do you want from Phoon? This is already killing me…”

(So you’ve learned to argue now?)

   “…No, not at all.”

(Transfer universities.)

   “Dad. No, please.”

(Go drop out.)

   “Where will I go then? There’s no home to return to, I will still have to live in a dorm anyway,” I said, feeling a tightness in my chest, “Or will you find a new dorm for me first? Which university will you want to apply to? If I don’t pass again, I’ll have to repeat the first year, you know.”

(…you)

   “You didn’t plan this out, did you? You just want Phoon to hurry up and get away from Phii Fah.”

(…)

   “Phoon wouldn’t say anything anyway, if Phoon was going to speak up, I would have done so a long time ago. I wouldn’t have kept my distance from Phii Fah like this.”

(…)

   “No matter what…Phoon won’t leave here…Phoon finally has friends.”

(You won’t say anything, will you?)

   “Yes.”

(Hmm.)

   Then Dad hung up, seemingly in a bad mood, just as I thought, he hadn’t planned anything beforehand. He just wanted me to stay away from Phii Fah as quickly as possible. I let out a heavy sigh out of exhaustion; it was more emotionally draining. I don’t like talking like this.

Uncle Kong said it was good that I seemed to be getting stronger, at least I dared to say something back to my dad. This I owe to North; he’s the kind of person who speaks his mind. He never keeps things he shouldn’t keep inside, says it straight, likes or dislikes, he tells it like it is. North made me feel that living life is easier than I thought, seeing the world as it is, everything has its ups and downs, it’s normal.    I have both good and bad things in my life, North said everyone is the same. No one only encounters good things all the time, and no one only faces bad things all the time either.

As for Ter, he’s like the sun…for me, Ter is cheerful, kind, always trying to help others, empathetic to everyone, sensitive yet strong at the same time.

There was a knock at the door. I went to check and saw it was Ter standing there waiting, so I opened the door immediately.

“Why didn’t you answer when I called?”

“Oh, really? Sorry, I must not have heard it.”

“Are you…okay?” Ter furrowed his brows as he looked at my face.

“I’m okay, why?”

“You looked like you were about to cry.”

“No way. I wasn’t going to cry,” I said, then rubbed my eyes, noticing there were a few tears.

“Ready? Let’s go and eat.”

“Hmm, ready,” I walked out of the room and locked the door, following Ter downstairs, “Ter…”

“Yeah?”

“I…didn’t pass the exam.”

“…You tried for medical school again?”

“Yes. Didn’t pass, so I just had a little argument with my dad.”

“…Want a hug?”

“No, I’m embarrassed in front of others.”

“Why be embarrassed, cat? Come here for a hug, believe me, you’ll feel better.”

“Funny.”

“Even North likes to hug me.”

“You’re messing around, Ter.”

“Really, come here, cat.”

“Can we hold hands first?”

“You’re so shy.”

“Phii Hill will kill me,” I said, shaking my head slightly. As I’ve said, Ter is someone who cares about those around him, sometimes making him overthink, but that’s a good thing. I reached out to hold Ter’s hand as we walked down the stairs.

“North told me…”

“What…”

“Sometimes, just being there is enough. I might not be able to help you with anything, but I’m not going anywhere, dude.”

“…Ter.”

“Oh, so touching. Don’t cry, cat,” Ter said jokingly, before reaching out to gently pat my head. It was touching, but I couldn’t cry because I was too shy.    “Thank you.”

“If you cry, I’ll tease you.”

“I haven’t teased you even when you cried,” I said, trying to hold back my tears before laughing when I looked at Ter’s face, “But why do you still call me ‘cat’?”

“Cat.”

“Enough.”

“Meow.”

“Sigh.”

I don’t know since when I’ve been teased as a cat, probably because I’m often sleepy when studying, due to not sleeping well, so I must look like a cat, but I still find it annoying to be called a cat.    I let go of Ter’s hand when we reached the ground floor and found

Phii Hill waiting by the car. I didn’t forget to wai to Phii Hill. Phii Hill and Phii Jo seem like hard people to approach, but since they started dating my friends, I think they’re kinder than I thought, except for Phii Jo who seems harsh when North isn’t around. Phii Arthit…we don’t talk much. As for Phii Fah…we haven’t talked at all.    I got into the back seat, then the luxury car moved off.

“I miss the old days.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, puzzled by what Ter said.

“Before, it was North sitting where you’re sitting now,” Ter said,

“Now he’s moved to ride with Phii Jo instead.”

“Oh,” I nodded in understanding. When they were still roommates, Ter and North went everywhere together. I liked it when they were roommates; I could visit their room often, but now both have moved in with their partners.

We stopped to pick up Foam as well. It didn’t take long for the car to stop in front of the restaurant, which was quite spacious and had a beautiful view. Just thinking about meeting the seniors, my heart started beating faster for some reason. I haven’t seen Phii Fah for several months because it was during the break, I wonder how it’ll be. He hasn’t updated on Instagram or on his Facebook about where he’s been or what he’s been doing.    I took a small breath to calm myself…

When we reached the table, I found there were indeed a lot of people. Phii Arthit, Phii Jo, and North were already there, along with three of North’s friends. I only knew their names: Duennao, Kyu, Skater, but I didn’t know them well. I didn’t see Phii Fah at all.    “You’re late,” Phii Jo said to Phii Hill, smiling as he returned our wai, to me, Ter, and Foam.

“We’re fast.”

“And Fah?” Phii Jo asked.

“He’s not free,” Phii Hill answered before sitting next to Phii Jo.

“Where did he go?”

“To get far away from you.”

“You’re annoying, Hill.”

“I don’t know, he’s just not free.”

“Okay. If he’s not free, then he’s not free,” Phii Jo said, not too bothered. I sat down next to Ter, on the end because I’m left-handed, so I wouldn’t get in anyone’s way.    If you line up the seating, it would be:

On that side: Phii Arthit, Phii Hill, Phii Jo, North, Skater

On my side: Me, Ter, Foam, Duennao, Kyu

“North, you’re sitting so far from me,” Ter remarked.

“Miss me?”

“No, it’s good you’re far away.”

“Alright, Ter, don’t come crying for me,” North said loudly so we, sitting far apart, could hear, “Wah, where did North go, Ter misses

North so much.”

“Pfft, whatever, North.”

“Phoon, haven’t you slept yet? It’s been since last semester.”    “Who wouldn’t sleep for a whole semester, North?” I retorted, shaking my head slightly in disgust. These guys always tell me to go to sleep, before they started ordering more food.

“Hey, did you invite Dao?” North asked after we had been chatting and eating for a while.

“I did,” Ter said, “But Dao isn’t free.”

“Ah, why not?”

“Work, I guess, the deadline is coming up.”

“Freelance work?” I turned to ask Ter since Daotok, our friend from the art club, does various freelance jobs.

“Yeah.”

We sat around talking casually; it was chaotic but fun. I talked with North’s friends too, their personalities were similar to North’s, especially the one named Duennao. I thought he was really cool. Phii Jo seemed to get along well with North’s friends, having fun conversations. I was sitting across from Phii Arthit, but we didn’t talk to each other.

“Hey, Dao is calling,” Ter said in surprise, lifting his phone and answering the call.

“What’s up?” Ter raised the camera for everyone to see, and indeed, Dao was video calling.

“What are you guys doing?” Daotok, wearing glasses and hugging a cushion on his lap, seemed to be working.

“We’re having a feast, we invited you but you didn’t come,” Ter said before I leaned into the camera.

“Cat!” Daotok is the one who calls me ‘cat’ the most, probably because he likes cats, “Haven’t seen you in a while.”    “Working?” I asked, still chewing my food.

“Yeah, I’m frustrated, can’t come up with any ideas.”

“What’s the project this time?”

“A book cover.”

“Drawing?”

“Yup, the brief was very broad, they want us to come up with something on our own,” Dao said, looking frustrated, “You guys seem lively.”

“Lots of people,” Ter said, turning the camera around. North waved at the camera.    “Who’s that?”

“Huh, where?”

“The one sitting opposite the cat.”

“Hmm? Oh, that’s Phii Arthit, why?” Ter raised his eyebrows in curiosity, “He’s a friend of Phii Hill and Phii Jo.”

“No, no, the woman behind him.”

“Huh?”

“The woman standing behind him.”

“…Just a moment,” both Ter and I stopped smiling, looking at

Daotok who said, “There’s no one there.”

“Just kidding, why do you two look so pale?” Dao said, letting out a laugh, making me and Ter look annoyed.

Why does Daotok always prank like this? He looks so serious, and we fall for it every time because of that serious look, but Dao is good at reading fortunes. North says he’s very accurate, and North believes in him wholeheartedly, unlike me who doesn’t pay much attention to these things.

   After finishing talking with Daotok, we continued to chat casually, but there was still no sign of Phii Fah.

   Is Phii Fah really not coming…

   Phii Hill said he wasn’t free, that’s what he said…

   Or maybe…because I’m here, Phii Fah didn’t want to come.

   I let out a small, unintentional sigh. Maybe it’s for the best. It would probably be too awkward anyway, and for Phii Fah…not seeing me might be better.

   “Oh, you said you weren’t free.”    Phii Jo’s voice made me look up.

Phii Fah…

   My heart skipped a beat when I saw that familiar face, my heart beating faster as the person I was waiting for approached.

Why does my heart beat so hard like this?

Is it because we haven’t seen each other in a long time?

No…it’s because it’s Phii Fah.

Because it’s Phii Fah…my heart always beats hard.

“I thought about it…I decided being free was better,” Phii Fah replied to Phii Jo, before stopping right in front of me. I quickly ducked my head down without realizing it.

“Being free is better, what does that mean?” Phii Arthit asked.

“Arthit, move over a bit.”

“You can sit on that side, there’s plenty of room.”

“You’re left-handed, it’s bothersome.”

“You’re left-handed.”

“But I can use my right hand,” Phii Fah said, “Arhit, move a bit.”    “What’s with you…okay, okay,” Phii Arthit said, sounding annoyed before moving.

Then Phii Fah…sat down opposite me.

“How are you?”

!!!

I slowly looked up when the voice from the person sitting opposite me fell silent.

   Phii Fah…was looking at me, lifting one hand to his chin, giving a slight smile, which was a smile that…

   Damn it…

   I haven’t seen it this close in almost a year.

   Does that mean he just greeted me…even though Phii Fah has never greeted me in front of friends, why…    “We haven’t seen each other in a while.”    Oh…

   I inadvertently bit my lip slightly, lowering my gaze, my heart starting to beat stronger and stronger, so strong that I felt scared, but I remained silent…not daring to respond.

   What should I do?

   How should I handle this…

   If I don’t respond, it would definitely seem strange…

   “…Yes.”

I answered quietly, so quietly that even I could barely hear it, not looking to see what expression the other was making. I could hear others talking, but Ter, who was sitting next to me, was silent. I guessed Ter must be starting to get suspicious, and others probably don’t even know that Phii Fah and I know each other, so this sudden greeting must look very strange.

“Phoon, want some shrimp?” Ter asked. I turned to look, why ask, he knew I liked shrimp, he always served me some, or maybe he saw I was too uncomfortable and decided to start a conversation.

“Oh, uh, give me some.”

“Okay,” Ter stood up and reached for some shrimp, but North slapped his hand away first.    “Don’t touch my shrimp.”

“North, you’re so stingy.”

“Order your own then.”

“Share a little, come on,” Ter pouted, “I’ve never been stingy with you.”

“You’re super stingy, Ter. You never share your chocolate with me.”    “So you steal it, right? You always steal my chocolate from the fridge, North, when we lived together,” Ter said with a sulky face, making me burst out laughing, “I don’t want to live with you anymore.”

“Over just a few pieces of chocolate, you’re making such a big deal?”

“Chocolate is a precious thing in my life.”

“You choose it then, Ter, so we’re done.”

“Yeah, let’s be done then.”

“I’ll tell everyone you broke up with me.”

“Yes, I broke up with you, North, go wherever you want.”    “You’re so bad, Ter, you can leave me, even though I love you so much.”

“But you stole my chocolate.”

“Listen up, Hill, just for stealing chocolate, you might get dumped,” Phii Jo said, making everyone at the table laugh even louder, including Phii Hill.

“Can’t I get a little share, brother?” Phii Hill said playfully, looking at Ter, who immediately looked confused. I laughed even harder, and North was laughing loudly too.

I glanced at Phii Fah, who was smiling slightly.

The atmosphere got a lot better, thank you, Ter…

Before a large plate of shrimp was placed in front of me. I reached out to grab one and started peeling it. While I was bending down to peel the shrimp, one that had already been peeled was placed on my plate.

“…Thank you,” I said softly, realizing that the person in front of me had peeled the shrimp for me.

Phii Fah didn’t say anything. He just picked up another shrimp and started peeling it. I placed the shrimp I had peeled on Phii Fah’s plate, and he looked slightly puzzled before smiling.

“Thank you.”

I found myself smiling without realizing it when I heard that. We didn’t talk after that, just peeling shrimp for each other, picking up things, refilling water glasses. I didn’t know what our actions meant.

   But it felt comforting, without needing to say anything…

   Having Phii Fah here…is really better.

   However, because of the promise I made with my dad, I felt even more uncomfortable. Dad thinks I’m a liar now, and if I break the promise, I really will become a liar.

   At first, I thought Phii Fah would talk to me more, but he didn’t at all, probably because I couldn’t hide my discomfort well. I’m not good at hiding my feelings. Not good at all.

   But the fact that Phii Fah greeted me first might mean…Phii Fah isn’t angry anymore, or maybe he’s less angry.

   If that’s the case, I want to say thank you…thank you for still bothering to greet me first.

   Actually, I…wanted to tell him something.

   “North.”

“Huh?”

“I didn’t pass the medical exam.”

What I said quieted the whole table. Ter looked slightly surprised that I suddenly spoke up. Since I couldn’t tell Phii Fah directly, I wanted to convey it this way.

“Uh…really?” North looked a bit confused before frowning with disappointment, “Hey, it’s okay, man.”

“Yeah, sorry.”

I apologized while still looking at North, but in reality, I wanted to apologize to Phii Fah. I wanted to apologize for not making it, even though Phii Fah had tried to tutor me. I’m sorry for disappointing him and wasting his time.

“Why are you apologizing to me?”

“I wanted to apologize.”

“Huh?”

“You might be disappointed.”

“No, what are you talking about, Phoon?”    North, oh…

   I’m sorry, you must be very confused.

   Both North and Foam tried to comfort me, which made me feel a bit better, before the whole table changed the conversation to something else. I looked down and continued eating, at least I had said it, hoping Phii Fah would understand.

   Suddenly, a piece of paper was placed beside my hand.

   It was written, “It’s okay.”

I looked at that piece of paper, then looked up at the person who wrote it, Phii Fah, who gave me a kind smile, making my heart feel tight with emotion. I pressed my lips together to hold back my feelings.

Thank you…

Really, thank you.

The dinner ended when it got late enough. I followed Ter out to the parking lot, seeing that the senior doctors were going to pay. I didn’t know how they were going to split the bill, but they told us to wait outside.

“See you later, bye,” DeuanNao waved goodbye. We waved back. I didn’t talk much with North’s friends, but I could tell they were all nice and friendly.

Until it was just me, North, Ter, and Foam left.

“Phoon,” Ter called my name softly. I thought I knew what I was going to be asked, “You…”

“I’m ready.”

“Huh?”

“I think I’m ready to tell you guys,” I said, holding the small piece of paper that Phii Fah had just written. The others looked at me intently,

“Can you listen to me?”

“Yeah, I’m super curious,” Foam said, which earned him a smack on the head from Ter.

“We’ve been waiting for you to say something.”

“Hmm, thanks.”

“How about tomorrow…we’ll come to see you,” North suggested.

“I’m not free tomorrow,” Foam said.

“Where are you going?” Ter asked.

“Got some errands. Then you can tell me later, okay? Don’t leave me out of the loop.”

“Hmm,” I nodded, “So, you guys will come to see me tomorrow?”

“Yes, you coming, Ter?”

“Sure, I’m free anyway.”

Not long after, the seniors walked out of the restaurant. My heart was still beating fast, so I avoided looking at Phii Fah before we split up to get into our cars.

I got into Phii Hill’s car, secretly glancing at Phii Fah who was standing there. It seemed like he was looking this way too. The luxury car moved off until I couldn’t see Phii Fah anymore. Then I turned back to sit normally.

When Phii Hill finished dropping off Foam and was about to drive me back to my dorm, I took out the folded piece of paper to look at it again. It was just a plain piece of paper with Phii Fah’s handwriting on it. Just the words “It’s okay” which seemed ordinary.

But it was very special…

When the car stopped in front of my dorm, I said goodbye to Ter and Phii Hill before getting out of the car.

“Phoon,” Phii Hill called out, making me pause for a moment, turning back to look at him in the car.

“Yes?”

“Don’t forget to thank Fah.”

“Why…why should I?”

“Oh…I forgot I wasn’t supposed to say that.”

“…”

“Never mind.”

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 11: Time Flies

   I looked around; the airport was quite crowded. Today was the day for the parents’ meeting at my faculty, and Aunt Nuan volunteered to come in place of my father. Of course, he wouldn’t come; the seniors said it was okay if parents couldn’t make it, the teachers and dean just wanted to discuss teaching methods and career paths after graduation.

But Aunt Nuan said she wanted to come…

The last time we met was when I went back home. Since returning here, I had to report in. I didn’t join the freshman activities because I wasn’t ready yet; I’d wait until the semester starts. Honestly, I’m quite worried, afraid I won’t fit in. What if my classmates don’t like me?    About the packages sent from home. I brought them back to my dorm. When I opened them up, they seemed like gifts. The first box was a robot model, the second a toy car, the third a notebook, and the last one was Lego.

Aunt Nuan couldn’t remember which box was sent in which year, but from what I could guess…if my assumptions are correct, these were birthday gifts sent to me over the years.

The Lego and toy car must have been from when I was in elementary school; kids at that age usually play with toys like these.    I’m not sure about the robot model; it could be a collector’s item but looks quite expensive, so probably from middle school when I had grown up enough to take care of valuable things.

As for the notebook…the box looks the newest. I’m sure it’s the most recent one.

Whoever sent these gifts each year thought carefully about the age of the child and what would be an appropriate gift.

I’ve considered the possibility that they might have been sent to the wrong house, but if that was the case, why would my mother throw them away? If you find out they were sent to the wrong house, you should return them, or if you can’t return them, you shouldn’t dispose of someone else’s belongings.

Aunt Nuan said she never saw anyone deliver them; she’s usually up before anyone else in the house and found the boxes already placed in front of the door. At first, she showed them to my parents, who discarded them. Some years, she managed to keep them secretly because it seemed suspicious.

Aunt Nuan was as puzzled as I was, but the reason she didn’t tell me before was simple…

Fan made Aunt Nuan promise not to tell me that I wasn’t my mother’s son. I only recently found out that I was born out of wedlock. If Aunt Nuan or Fan suddenly told me that gifts were sent every year on my birthday, that would definitely make me suspicious, and my father strictly forbade it.

I can say this because now I know everything…

Now, my head is filled with hope. Even though the recipient’s name isn’t mine, they’ve been sent every March, which is my birth month, and they seem like birthday gifts.    As for the recipient’s name…Ren.

It can be interpreted in many ways, but the simplest guess…it’s the name my mother gave me before my father changed it to Typhoon.    I used to wonder who my mother was, where she was, if she’s well, why she left me, why she didn’t love me, why she didn’t even give me a name.

I want all these things to have a reason beyond not loving me…my mother is another person I pray for happiness and health every day, no matter where she is in the world.

There’s no evidence that my guesses are correct.

Moreover…Aunt Nuan said it’s been two years since there were no gifts, meaning there might not be any more gifts sent. These things are like they come from nowhere, with no sender’s name, no return address. Nothing at all.

I think they weren’t sent through the postal service because, one, they were placed there early in the morning, the postal service’s operating hours are from about eight to four; two, the post office wouldn’t just leave it at the doorstep; three, without a sender’s name or address, it wouldn’t go through the postal system.

That means someone placed them there…

And how can I find out…there are no security cameras around there either.

But if what I guessed is true, it would be quite wonderful. I was a child who didn’t get many toys from my parents, unlike Fan who had toys all over her room. I used to feel jealous that I had no toys to show off to my friends at school, but in reality…maybe I did have some.

“Phoon.”

“Yes,” I quickly looked up at the person who stopped in front of me, Aunt Nuan in an outfit that looked rather unusual. I don’t often see her in something so formal.

“Do I look okay?”

“Yes, you look very beautiful.”

“Should we go then, what time is the meeting?”

“My faculty has scheduled it for around one in the afternoon,” I said, standing up, “Let’s go.”

“Okay, show me around Chiang Mai a bit.”

“I’m not very confident about the routes though.”

“Do you get lost often?”

“No, I’ve gotten better, Phii Fah…” I fell silent, realizing I had accidentally mentioned Phii Fah’s name, “Phii Fah…he took me around the city so often, I’ve started to remember some of the ways.”    “Oh…Tonfah,” Aunt Nuan said, as if just remembering, while we walked out to hail a ride, “He’s doing well, isn’t he?”    “Yes…from what I have seen, he seems to be doing well.”    “He must have grown even more handsome. When he was little, everyone was fond of him.”

“It looks like that’s still the case,” I said softly, “Aunt Nuan.” I called as we were now on a Songthaew heading back to the university.

“Hmm?”

“I…won’t be with Phii Fah anymore.”

I decided to tell Aunt Nuan everything. The other person, who listened to the whole story, looked saddened but not very surprised.

“I…am not that surprised.”

“…”

“He…no, not anymore. Now he’s not ‘he’ because he’s no longer employing me, Khun Rati…if I’m to be honest, he’s…quite selfish.”    “…Yes,” I nodded slowly. It might look bad to think of my father that way, but sometimes, it’s really hard not to think so.    “It must be a tough decision, deciding which way to go.”

“Yes, the toughest in my life.”

“But no matter what, you never turned your back on the family, I understand,” Aunt Nuan said in a gentle voice, reaching out to gently stroke my head, “Tonfah must understand too.”    “Will he understand, even though I was so cruel?”

“He understands. Even now, he understands.”

“…”

“I was with you kids since you were little, often helping to take care of you, Fah, when he came over to play. I think…someone like Fah isn’t the type to go around digging into other people’s affairs, no matter how curious he might be. He always respects and honors others’ decisions.”

“So…Aunt, you think Fah might not know what happened. The matter of Fan’s passing isn’t something that can be kept secret for long. Even if Tonfah knows, he still wouldn’t understand why I had to distance myself.”

“…That’s true, isn’t it?”

We got off the public transport and walked into my faculty area. I came here the other day, the day I had to report for registration. At that time, I left right after my business was done. I didn’t go to greet other students in my faculty, even though the seniors advised us to get to know each other.

“I can’t go in,” I said with a worried frown; the senior standing outside the meeting room said that students shouldn’t enter, only parents were allowed.

“It’s okay, I came prepared with paper to take notes,” Aunt Nuan said, raising her bag, “To find out how this faculty works, if it’s suitable for you, Phoon.”

“Thank you,” I said with a wide smile, watching her walk into the meeting room. I went out to sit on a bench outside.

Maybe Aunt Nuan was right…Phii Fah is the type who respects everyone’s decisions. He doesn’t interfere, doesn’t meddle too much, and always honors others.

   Phii Fah once told me, “I believe that every decision you make, you have thought it through well, and I will respect that decision.

It must have been the best decision at that time.”

   But I can’t remember what we were talking about then, which led Phii Fah to say that. It would be best if Phii Fah didn’t know more than what I want him to know because if he knew, certainly in my father’s eyes, I would be the one at fault.

I’m not hoping for Phii Fah to understand…but I hope that one day I’ll have a chance to go back, to apologize, to explain everything, and on that day…I hope Phii Fah will forgive me.

Forgive someone as cruel as me…

“Hello.”

“…”

I turned to see a guy walking up to greet me, I guessed he was also a freshman like me. He sat down on the bench next to me, with a friendly demeanor and a broad smile on his face.

“Waiting for your parents?”

“Oh, yes…you too?”

“Yeah…there aren’t many first-years around here.”

“They must be waiting somewhere else.”

“Then, should we go to the coffee shop to wait?”

“Oh…uh, sure.”

I stood up and followed the other guy, feeling somewhat dazed.    “What’s your name? I forgot to ask,” he turned to ask me with a cheerful expression.

“Typhoon.”

“Oh…I’m Ter, you can just call me Ter.”

“Hmm, nice to meet you.”

“Oh…uh.”

“What?” I asked, surprised when Ter suddenly paused.    “Nothing…just thought you would make a pun, like, hmm, nice to meet you, Ter.”

“…Do I have to do that?”

“No, no. I just met someone who did that, kept calling me just Ter for several days now.” Ter let out a small chuckle, making me raise my eyebrows in surprise as we walked into the faculty’s coffee shop.

He seems so cheerful…

“Really? People still make puns like that? And for several days too.”

“Yeah, it’s my roommate.”

“Living in the dorm?”

“No, outside dorm, but they assigned roommates randomly.”

“Oh.”

We sat and chatted, getting to know each other. It’s been a while since I’ve talked like this with someone. As I mentioned before, at my old school, once I distanced myself from the more mischievous friends, I was always teased by them.

Could Ter be…the one Phii Fah was talking about?

The one who said…I would definitely meet some good friends.    “Really? I like photography too,” Ter said, his eyes lighting up when we got to talking about hobbies, “But I’m not very good yet, I haven’t been practicing for long. How long has Phoon been into photography?”    “For many years now.”

“So you carry your camera around all the time?”

“Yes, it’s become a habit,” I said, lifting the camera that was slung around my neck.

“Wow, that’s cool. I haven’t reached the point where I carry my camera everywhere.”

“That way, you can capture anything you want to shoot immediately.”

“Can I see some of your photos?”

“Sure,” I handed him my camera. Ter took it and started looking through the photos. We had only been sitting for a few minutes, but he had already finished two cups of cocoa, “Do you like cocoa?”

“Yeah, I do. Do you like tea?”

“I like it,” I said, picking up my own cup of herbal tea to drink.

“I’m okay with tea.”

“Why’s that?”

“It’s not sweet.”

“Is not being sweet wrong?”

“It’s wrong. Sweet drinks should be sweet. Anyone who drinks things with less sugar should be sentenced.”

“But this is tea.”

“Tea should also be sweet.”

So, he just likes sweet things, doesn’t he…

“Phoon, you take beautiful photos, wow…” the other said with wide eyes, making me smile unintentionally. Why does Ter make me smile so easily? “Which lens did you use for this one?”

“Let me see.”

And then we talked about cameras with great enthusiasm. I’ve never had someone to talk about cameras like this with. It’s not often I get to have such fun conversations.

“Why did you choose to study veterinary medicine?” I asked.

“I just like animals.”

“Oh. I think you are like an animal too.”

“Are you joking or insulting?”

“No, I mean, Ter is like a hamster.”

“Funny.”

“No, I’m serious.”

“Then Phoon is like a cat.”

“A cat?”

“Yes, a cat.”

“I’m not like that,” I protested.

“Then I’m not like a hamster either.”

“Okay.”

“And why did you choose this faculty?”

“Hmm, well…I don’t know, I guess I just passed the exam,” I said, that’s really why I got in.

Then suddenly, there was a phone ringing. Ter picked up his phone and answered it.

“What’s up?”

(…)

   “I’m at the coffee shop near my faculty.”

(…)

   “I’m with a friend, come join us.”

(…)

   “Should I order something for you?”

(…)

   “Okay, hurry up.”

“My friend is coming,” he said after hanging up.

“Oh, should we leave then?”

“Hey, why leave? Let’s stay together.”

“But isn’t your friend coming?”

“It’s fine, does Phoon feel uncomfortable?”

“No, but won’t your friend feel uncomfortable?”

“No way.”

“Okay.”

We waited for about ten minutes before someone came into the shop holding bike keys, his hair slightly tousled, probably from riding a motorcycle. He looked around the shop before spotting Ter waving at him, and then walked over and sat next to Ter.

“Phoon, this is North, my roommate.”

“North, this is Typhoon, my friend.”

“Why do you use pronouns like that?” North asked before noticing the green tea Ter had ordered for him, “Did you order it less sweet for me?”

“No, it’s normally sweet.”

“Ter, I don’t like it too sweet.”

“That’s your problem.”

“But this is my cup.”

“But I ordered it.”

“Then you drink it.”

“North, don’t be so fussy.”

“I don’t want to get diabetes like you.”

“Why, one day you’ll get gout anyway.”

“I’ll never get gout,” North said with irritation before reaching for the green tea to drink, “Oh, I forgot, sorry. I’m North.”

“Spit.”

“What’s your problem, Ter?”

“Come here, you.”

“Should I tell your friend to go fuck himself?”

“Dare you?”

“How can I dare? I just met him. How would he see me?”    I couldn’t help but laugh at the nonsensical and energy-wasting argument between the two in front of me, but for some reason, I found it amusing.

“Ah, let’s start over. I’m North, just call me North.”

“North, the troublemaker.”

“Hey, why? North, Ter, Phoon, just call us by that.”

I laughed harder at North’s words, laughing so much my shoulders shook. It’s been a while since I laughed like this.

“Okay. I’m Phoon from the South, just call me Phoon.” “Okay, just Phoon,” North said.

“Sigh,” Ter let out a small sigh.

“What’s the problem, Ter?”

“Phoon, don’t listen to North, he’s nonsensical,” Ter sighed even heavier, “Oh, he studies electrical engineering.”

“Engineering?” I asked, turning to him. That didn’t seem too surprising. It seemed to fit him well.

“Yeah, and you’re studying veterinary medicine too?”    “Hmm,” I nodded.

“Where are you from?”

“Phuket.”

“Wow, say something in Southern Thai dialect for us.”

“Suddenly asking me to speak, I can’t do it,” I said, unable to keep from laughing.

“Ter is from Rayong,” North said, “Rayong, hi.”

“Stop teasing me.”

“And where is North from?” I asked.

“Lampang.”

“I’ve never been to Lampang, just passed through.”

“I’ve never been to Phuket either, just passed through.”

“Passed through where?”

“Yeah, where did you pass through?” I asked the same question Ter did, which made North pause.

“Oh, can’t you pass through Phuket?”

“No,” I said, “It’s at the end.”

“Why not, I’ll show you by passing through it,” North said with irritation, “After passing through, I’ll swim across the sea, you dumbass.”

“North, just accept it.”

“It should be possible.”

“Can you not argue about stuff like this?” Ter said, shaking his head slightly, “It’s pointless.”    “Looking for a fight?”

“No, Phoon, you agree, right? North, don’t steal my cocoa.”    “Give it here,” North grabbed the cocoa from Ter’s hand, sucking it through the straw until it was empty, “How’s that, cry now, Ter?”    “North, fuck you, I just ordered that,” Ter said, beginning to whine,

“You’re such a bastard, I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.”

“Why are we so fragile about the word ‘friend’?”

“Not yet, not ordering another one for you.”

“You’ve had enough, Ter.”

“No, send me another one, pay for me.”

I watched the two of them argue back and forth amusingly; Ter seemed like a cheerful, cute person. North, on the other hand, was funny and quite the troublemaker, utterly nonsensical.    I found out that the two of them are roommates who rent an apartment together, and North studies electrical engineering. I think someone like North is the kind of person anyone would want to be around. Just being with him for a short while made me feel a lot more at ease.

He’s so different from me.

We exchanged LINE IDs and phone numbers, and then parted ways after the meeting ended. I took Aunt Nuan back to the airport and then returned to my dorm.

Today was a really good day for me.

To…Torfan

   Today was the parent-teacher conference, and Aunt Nuan came in place of Dad, which made you very happy. Although I felt a bit apologetic, I’m truly grateful that Aunt Nuan came. She’s always been kind like this since we were kids, and she took good care of us, even now that Dad no longer employs her, she still cares about Phoon.

   I really feel grateful, from the bottom of my heart…

   Also, I have made some new friends. The first one is named Easter, who said I can just call him Ter, he’s very cute, cheerful all over, with chubby cheeks and big eyes, friendly manner, easy to talk to, kind-hearted, and we’re in the same faculty. It would be nice if we could be together.

   The other one is named North, who said I can just call him North too. He’s funny, with a laid-back, cool attitude, but you can feel his mischievousness even when he’s not doing anything. When he smiles, it’s really cute.

   I like these two a lot, but I don’t know if they like me. They might not like that I am quiet and don’t know what to talk about. But at least, me and Ter had a great time talking about cameras because Ter also likes photography. It would be nice if we could shoot photos together.

   The new semester is about to start, just a few days away. I hope there will be more good things happening, because there have been a lot of good things lately. However, the matter with Phii Fah still makes me feel bad like before; the more I think about it, the worse I feel. I don’t know how to fix it or how long this will go on.    If we happen to meet after the term starts, it would be terrible. I don’t know how to act, hoping we won’t meet often. I don’t want to keep ignoring Phii Fah; it feels awful.

   Anyway, good night.

   P.S. I wonder if sweet tea would be tasty, I guess I’ll have to try it because not having it sweet might get me executed!

   With love and good wishes always,

   From…Typhoon

   I folded the letter and tucked it into the drawer as I do every day.

Thinking of Fan reminded me that…it’s been about two years since Fan passed away, and the gift boxes that were sent every year stopped coming two years ago.

The same time frame…could there be any connection, or is it just a coincidence?

Since I met Ter, I’ve also gotten to know Foam, who is in the same faculty. We became closer faster than I thought, including North. I’ve visited North’s and Ter’s room a few times, everything seems to be getting better. After making friends, at least I have someone to talk to and laugh with, to go out with.

But many times, when I come back to my room and collapse onto my bed, exhausted, I think of Phii Fah. I keep wondering how he is, what he’s doing, if he’s eaten, the same old questions keep circling in my mind.

I talk to Aunt Nuan much more often now, at least before going to bed, when she asks how my day was. We don’t talk much because Aunt Nuan is busy too, she has her own children and grandchildren to look after. Just dropping by LINE to chat for a few minutes a day is enough.

That’s enough…

I’ve never asked for much anyway.

If…if Phii Fah was still here…

I wouldn’t ask for anything else, really.

The time before the semester started was the hardest for my heart, and what surprised me was, Ter…and Phii Hill, yes, the same Phii Hill who used to call Phii Fah, those two are dating…

I was surprised from the moment they met each other, but when I found out that Phii Hill was courting Ter, that made me even more surprised. Not surprised about the courting part…but surprised at how coincidental it might be.

The first time I met Phii Fah again was when Foam took me to see Ter at the Star Moon competition. That time, I met all of Phii Fah’s friends. Whether it was Phii Jo Han, Phii Hill, and Phii Arthit.    At that time, I didn’t even dare to look at Phii Fah’s face. I couldn’t stop my eyes from showing my sadness. I didn’t know what Phii Fah was thinking, if he was still angry. I’ll be honest, when I got lost with Foam, and Phii Fah volunteered to pick us up, I was happy.

But when I realized what I had done…I could no longer look at him.

It’s like we…never knew each other before.

Isn’t that right…wasn’t that what we wanted?

Even though my friend and Phii Fah’s friend are dating, it doesn’t make us meet often. Ter seems happier than ever. I’m genuinely glad that Phii Hill takes such good care of my friend; Ter deserves to be loved.

One semester has passed…and I’m still the same. Some days when I see Phii Fah, my heart aches indescribably, and I still go back to crying and writing letters like before.

I’ve met another friend named Daotok. North likes to tease him about why his name sounds like a girl’s, and Daotok sighs every time. Daotok is a friend from the drawing club, and I heard Phii Hill was going to bring everyone from his group to join too…luckily, the professors don’t allow medical students in the drawing club.    It’s quite uncomfortable when we meet, but still…sometimes I still want to see him.

Yes…no matter what, I still want to be with him…

I hear news about Phii Fah from what others say. If I ask Ter, I’d probably get more information, but I’m too scared to ask. I’m afraid Ter would feel bad about what happened, so I decided it’s better not to tell him.

It’s not a story worth telling…

Then something even more surprising happened…when Ter told me that Phii Jo is courting North.

It…you could call it coincidence, right…

I knew from the beginning when Phii Jo started talking to North because Ter told me, but I hardly ever met North. By the time we did meet, they were already dating.

At first, I was worried, very worried because there were rumors that Phii Jo was a playboy, but then I thought about it; that’s North we’re talking about, he’s smart. If Phii Jo were really a bad person, North wouldn’t have gotten involved from the start. Whether it’s Phii Hill’s couple or Phii Jo’s, it’s big news for the university because they are very popular, but Ter and North probably don’t realize it much.

So…thank you Phii Jo for taking good care of North.

As for Phii Fah…he’s got more admirers now since his two friends announced they were taken. There’s news that he even had to change clubs because of issues with the girls. I just quietly followed the news about Phii Fah.

Avoiding Phii Fah has become harder. I think it’s often obvious that I’m avoiding him, and Phii Fah himself seems like he doesn’t want to get involved with me anymore; he must really hate me now.

It still hurts…more than I thought it would.

Does it hurt this much…to be hated by someone you love?    Another thing that stresses me out is…the medical faculty’s entrance exam. I tried to study again to get into medical school, but I failed. It’s not easy to pass the medical faculty’s exam, especially since the results showed I didn’t make it. Of course, the first person to call and scold me was my father; he was very angry that I disappointed him.    Would Fan be disappointed in me too…I couldn’t make Fan’s dream come true.

I couldn’t become a doctor…

If I don’t pass, my options are to try for the medical exam next year, but to do that, I would need to drop out since you’re not allowed to study beyond the first year for medical school, or continue with veterinary medicine, or apply to another faculty where dropping out isn’t necessary. I still can’t decide right now. My friends don’t even know that I failed the medical exam.

And over the past year, I’ve still dreamt of Fan occasionally, but not very often, considering them good dreams.

A year has passed…

   It’s been a year that went by faster than I thought, studying hard, difficult exams, meeting friends, going out with friends, having fun together, participating in university activities, everything seems busy, which is good. At first, I thought it would be much more lonely, but being busy like this is better.

Ter and North both say that Phii Fah is very kind. I agree, and I think many people would agree too, he’s truly very kind.    Phii Fah is the type of guy…who anyone could fall in love with easily.

Before I knew it, the second semester was about to start. During my holiday, I visited Aunt Nuan, stayed with her for almost two weeks, and she was happy about it, saying she had someone to help look after her grandchildren. That’s when I realized I like kids.

As for the gift boxes…I’ve kept them, but I don’t know what to do with them next, there’s nothing to investigate, I can only let them be for now.

Suddenly, my phone notification sounded, and I saw it was Ter calling.    “Hello?”

(Phoon, are you free?)

   “Yeah, I just got back, what’s up?”

(Eat together)

   “Eat together? For what occasion?”

(To celebrate the start of the second year.)

   “Celebrate the start of the term? Is that okay?”

(Of course, I really want to eat.)

   “You just want to eat. Okay, okay, where, what time, who’s going?”

(I’ll come pick you up with Phii Hill, around five.)

   “Phii Hill is coming too?”

(Hmm, why?)

   “Nothing…then…”

(North and Phii Jo are going too.)

   “Oh…”

(You coming?)

   “Well…”

(Come on. We haven’t met in a while.)

   “I think next time would be better.”

(Phoon, please, come on, Foam is going too, North’s friends are going, lots of people, it’ll be fun.)

   “You…”

(I’m begging you.)

   “…”

(Phoon.)

   “Sigh, there will be a lot of people, right?”

(Lots, tons.)

   “Then we need a big table.”

(Yeah, it’s huge.)

   “Okay, I can go.”

(Great, Phoon, see you there.)

   “Okay.”

I let out a small sigh after hanging up.

   It’s okay…

   It might be a bit awkward if we meet.

   But…I still want to see him.

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 10: You’re Your Home

   Five meters…

Four meters…

Three…

Two…

One…

Half a meter from me…to someone standing outside, only a wooden door separates us. I reached out to touch the door handle, but I had to lower my hand.

I can’t…

I can’t open this door…

After the day I decided to leave, the same number, the only one that called me the most, kept calling repeatedly. He sent messages several times, asking if something was wrong, what was wrong, why I suddenly left without saying anything.

After that, those messages turned into questions like…where did you go, why aren’t you answering, are you mad at something, can you come see me?

   I didn’t open those messages, but I waited to read them from the notifications. Phii Fah didn’t just send messages to me; he also sent them to Fan. Of course, I didn’t open them on Fan’s phone either.

Two days have passed since then.

And now…

“Phoon, come out.”

“…”

“Phoon.”

“…”

“Can we talk? Please come out.”

“…”

“Please?”

The sound of knocking on the door and the familiar voice rang out intermittently. I stood in front of the door, just a step away from Phii Fah, but in reality, we were so far apart.

I can’t open this door…

I can’t…

Phii Fah…I am sorry.

I pressed my lips together tightly, letting the tears flow down again. I don’t know how long it’s been, but my tears won’t stop, not since I stepped out of your room that day.

As if I am the darkness that vanishes when the light of the sun shines, when you open your eyes, all you find is that the darkness has gone…

I haven’t eaten anything except for some snacks left in the room. I haven’t gone out, and I don’t want to. I’ve been in my room day and night with the guilt, the loneliness eating away at me, the despair, along with a heart that’s already shattered…

Because my room is at the very end. Looking out the window, I saw the sky getting darker with clouds.

The sky is about to cry…

Can you not cry today?

Because I’ve cried enough for both of us.

“Won’t you answer?”

“…”

“Do you hate me now?”

I covered my mouth with my hand and cried even harder, collapsing to the floor without strength, biting my lip hard. Not caring about any pain, to hold back my sobs.

No…

   No way…

   I could never hate you.

   Even if I die…

   Even if I were to die…

   I would still love you…

   “You are avoiding me, right?”

“…”

“I don’t know what I did wrong, or if there’s something about me that you don’t like. From the first time I met you here, I decided to take good care of you, to make up for the years we were apart.”

“…”

“Is it because I didn’t take good care of you, Phoon?”

“…”

Phii Fah

   Please don’t blame yourself…I beg you…beg you, please blame Phoon instead, Phoon is at fault, Phoon is the one who’s wrong, I beg you…Phii Fah hasn’t done anything wrong, Phoon doesn’t even deserve to be by your side.

   I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…

   My hands started to tense, I moved to grip my hair, pulling it without realizing.

   I deserve the pain. I deserve more pain than this…

   Soon, the rain started to fall, muffling the voice of the person on the other side.

   Go back.

   Phii Fah, please go back.

   Please…you shouldn’t be here.

   Please…go back, go back to where you belong.

   Don’t…waste your time on me anymore.

   “Go back.”

“Phoon…”

“How long will you bother me?”

“…”

“You can go back now.”

“…Phoon.”

“Please go back, I don’t want to say anything more.”

“Are you that angry at me? Can you tell me why you’re angry?”

“…”

“Can we talk for a bit…please?”

“I’m annoyed.”

“…”

“Don’t act like you care.”

“…”

“Please leave in front of my door.”

“…Yes, okay.”

“…”

“Okay, I will leave now.”

Before the voice from the other side of the door faded away…it was replaced by the sound of rain, louder than any other sound I was hearing at that moment, including my own quiet sobs.

   I don’t even have the strength to cry anymore…

   This is for the best.

   It’s for the best…

   Phii Fah is gone.

   Please…don’t get caught in the rain.

   “Travel…safely.”    One hour…

   Two hours…

   One day.

   One week.

   Two weeks…

   Time passes without you by my side anymore. Whether the sky is bright or gloomy, the sun still rises and sets the same every day. What I like to do is watch time pass, and everything remains unchanged.

   Except…there’s no you.

   Returning to a sky that’s out of reach once more.

   No, it’s always been a sky out of reach.

   I didn’t contact anyone after that day; each day passed with difficulty. I didn’t even want to talk to Uncle. I didn’t speak to Dad either, guessing he must be worried if I followed his orders, so he called many times.

   At least, I could go out and eat enough. Even if not for every meal, I could take care of the plants that started to wilt because I hadn’t watered them, and go out to take pictures of the sky like I used to do regularly. Some nights I couldn’t sleep, the nightmare was so cruel, that I would end up crying sometimes.

   But it passed…like it always does.

   As I said, it’s not good, but it’s not terrible either.

   I always try to make sure there’s at least one good thing in my day. Before, I would stop by to feed stray dogs near the school, help support the old lady at the fruit stand, help teachers carry things, small things that made me feel valuable. Just these little things were enough to make me want to keep living.

   It’s still like that these days. I buy food for the stray cats around the dorm every day, but I don’t know what else to do. Does planting trees count as a good deed? At least it helps produce oxygen. Maybe I can help someone breathe easier.

   Time has helped me feel a bit better. Although not much, I’m not crying myself to sleep like I did for the first three days after Phii Fah left.

   I’ve been following the university’s page, and I saw that the medical faculty is currently organizing a volunteer camp. It looks like Phii Fah and his friends are going too.

   Being able to watch from a distance like this, seeing that he’s doing well, that’s good enough.

   I’ve blocked Phii Fah’s LINE on both my phone and Fan’s. Of course, that was something my dad insisted on, the last thing I had to do.

   I walked back into my room after watering the plants, the same song has been playing on loop for almost an hour now. I don’t think it’s a sad song, but it makes me feel more lonely, and I like it. I don’t want to turn it off or change it.

   You’re the light, I’m the shadow on the wall when you sleep

   Everything that I need is right here with me    Come to me…

   All that I can say’s already said

   I come to you

   There is one word that I can’t forget

   “Goodbye

Good, goodbye”

Little time, not a moment wasted with you

I realized to stay, we had to break away

My phone rang, I looked at the screen to see it was Aunt Nuan, the housekeeper who’s taken care of me and Fan since we were kids.

“Yes?”

(Phoon, how are you?)

   “I’m fine, how are you, Aunt Nuan?”

(I’m fine, how is it there? Since you moved there, we haven’t talked much. Why don’t you call me sometimes?)

   “…I’m sorry, I’ve been quite busy.”

(It’s okay, are you getting used to the dorm yet?)

   “I’m starting to get used to it.”

(And where do you go to eat? Are there any restaurants around there?)

I talked with Aunt Nuan for a while. The other party asked about my well-being in a way Dad never did, which made me feel unexpectedly happy. I don’t often call Aunt Nuan because I don’t want to disturb her too much, especially since after my house was announced for sale, all the maids and housekeepers were let go. Even though we were close, we’re not family. I didn’t want to bother her.

(Will you come back to the house? I’m currently sorting through household items.)

   “I’ll probably come back. When is Dad going to sell the house?”

(He said he wants to sell it as soon as possible.)

   “Then Phoon will come back soon since the new semester is starting.”

(That’s good, let me know when you’re coming.)

   “Oh…are you going to the house today?”

(Yes.)

   “Then I will go today.”

(Right now?)

   “Yes.”

(Shall I pick you up at the airport?)

   “It’s okay.”

(Let me pick you up, how long before you arrive?)

   “Not long, I’ll call again once I’ve booked the ticket.”

(Okay.)

   I walked out of the crowded airport and saw Aunt Nuan standing there waiting, a sight that made me smile unintentionally. I walked up to her and hugged her immediately.

“Have you been waiting long?”

“Not too long.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s nothing.”

I followed the other person to an old pickup truck.

“The truck is pretty old, are you okay with it?”

“Yes, I had no problem at all,” I said, giving a slight smile as I climbed into the passenger seat. If possible, I wish my father or mother could be as kind as Aunt Nuan. Once that house is sold, we probably won’t see each other again.

Not only will the house full of my memories disappear, but the people in those memories will vanish too.

“Aunt Nuan, What will you do after the house is sold?”    “As for me, I’ll probably go back to live in my hometown. I won’t work anymore, I’m too old for that.”    “That’s good, you’ll get to rest.”

“Shall we stop by Fan’s place first?”

“Uh, if it’s not too much trouble, could you please stop by?” I said, and the truck turned into the temple’s parking lot. The two of us bought some flowers and went inside together.

I used to come here a lot before; if I told others that the cemetery was my favorite place, it would sound very strange, but what can I do…since the people I love are here.

“Aunt Nuan.”

“Yes?”

“Do you think it’s possible…that Fan might…still be here?”    “…Oh,” my words made the person walking beside me pause slightly, “I…don’t know.”

“…”

“Why do you ask?”

“No reason.”

“…Yes.”

After I placed the flowers in front of the picture, I wanted to stay a bit longer. Aunt Nuan said she would wait in the car, thinking I’d rather be alone with Fan. I sat down without worrying about getting dirty, glancing at the photo of my older sister.

“I’m back.”

I spoke softly with a slight smile.

“Do you miss me? I’m sorry for not bringing flowers every day like before. It must be lonely without anyone to talk to, right?”

“I get lonely there too.”

I often do this, just keep talking as if Fan is sitting there listening, because not many people come around here. For others, it might be scary, but not for me at all.

   “Fan, you said you read the letters. I am glad that you read them. Honestly, I don’t know if that’s really you or if it’s just me imagining it.”

“But thank you for being by my side.”

“If that’s really Fan, does it mean you haven’t gone anywhere?”    “…Are you still worried about you? Is it because I made it so you can’t go anywhere?”

“Oh, young man. Haven’t seen you in a while.” A greeting with a hoarse voice made me turn around. Uncle Yod is a volunteer who takes care of cleaning the temple; his house is right next to it. I immediately greeted him with a wai.

“Yes. I’ve started university.”

“Oh, right, I forget things sometimes. How’s it going?”    “It’s good, still getting used to it,” I smiled because I come here often, so I meet Uncle Yod frequently. He said that since he started cleaning here, he’s never seen anyone visit the cemetery as often as I do, “How about you, Uncle?”

“I’m just getting by. Nothing much,” he said as he sat down on the bench, looking tired. He’s quite old. The reason he still helps at the temple is that after coming back from odd jobs, he didn’t know what else to do, and his wife had left him with their child years ago.    The life stories Uncle Yod told me made me realize that sometimes life isn’t beautiful, but you have to keep living.

   Uncle Yod finds small joys from helping clean the temple, sweeping leaves, picking up trash, and taking care of the graves of many important people. It might not be much, but it’s enough for some people to keep living.

   It’s no different from what I do every day to keep myself going, to wait for another sunrise, then say goodbye to another sunset.

   “I have to go now.”

“Hmm. Good luck.”

“Thank you.”

I bowed in farewell, then walked back to Aunt Nuan who was standing by the truck, and we returned home together, to the familiar neighborhood, the roads, the houses, the people, almost nothing has changed, and it still feels heartbreaking every time I think about it.

If this house is sold…I won’t have a home to return to anymore.    The marble bench where we used to sit and play, the lawn, the pathways, the front steps, the wooden door, the walls where we used to scribble, the living room where we liked to hang out together, every place in this house is filled with memories.    Can’t it just not be sold, this house of ours…

I walked up the stairs and opened the door to Fan’s bedroom. It was heartbreaking to see everything gone, leaving just an empty room.    Because the owner of this room is gone…everything in this house has disappeared with her.

“What about Fan’s remaining belongings?”

“You can donate them, the ones that are still usable.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Fan would be happy to know her things could be useful to others,” I said, managing a slight smile.

“Phoon…”

“Yes?”

“…”

“Actually…” Aunt Nuan came closer to me, lowering her head and

speaking softly, “I don’t know if I should say this.”

“Fan, she knew from the start that you two didn’t share the same mother.”

!!

“…”

“Uh…did Fan know?” I asked in surprise, my heart beginning to beat irregularly, feeling a knot in my stomach.

“Yes. At that time, you, you, were probably asleep. I and Fan overheard the lady and your father arguing.”

“We were both really shocked. I thought Fan would be angry, but she smiled and said…”    “Said what?”

“Don’t tell Phoon.”

“…”

I clenched my lips tight to hold back the emotions welling up in my chest. I had once wondered if Fan would still love me the same if she knew I wasn’t their real child, but the truth is, Fan already knew everything, and yet…she still loved me the same.

   “And ever since Fan passed away, everything went downhill. I didn’t know what to do, I could only try to take good care of you, Phoon.”    “Yes…Aunt Nuan, you have always taken good care of me.”    “Phoon, you’re not the one who broke the family. Even Fan never thought that way, so don’t blame yourself.”

“…sniff”

“I’ve been worried all this time. I didn’t know how to comfort you because the only person you’ve always needed is your father. I’m sorry for saying this, but I’ve seen it since you were a child.”

“…Yes, sniff,” I bit my lip hard and let the tears flow down slowly, unable to stop them.    “I love you, Phoon.”

“…”

“It might not be the love you’re looking for, but I want you to know there’s someone who loves you.”

“…”

“It’s okay, no matter whose child you are. But I’m the one who changed your diapers, who made your milk, who took you to kindergarten, who taught you how to put on socks, who bandaged your scrapes when you fell, who held your hand to buy sweets.”

“…”

“Please don’t take it the wrong way, but you’re like one of my children.”    “…hiccup”

“Don’t just look for people who have turned their backs on you, to the point you forget about this old woman.”

“Aunt…” I hugged the person in front of me tightly and cried out loud without any shame, “Th-thank you, hiccup, thank you.”    “I love you Aunt, love you Aunt…thank you for taking care of me all this time, thank you.”

Aunt Nuan hugged me back, and her embrace grew even tighter.    Why…why hadn’t I ever thought about it? I was only looking for love from those who never loved me, ignoring everything else.    Aunt Nuan comforted me until I stopped crying, raising her hand to wipe away the tears all over my face.

“Thank you, really.”

“It’s alright, dear. I might not be able to help much, but you can talk to me about anything. If there’s anything I can help with, I want to help.”

I smiled, feeling an indescribable warmth in my heart.

“Just Aunt Nuan not abandoning me is enough.”    If there’s no rain…flowers won’t bloom.

   For this flower that has been amidst the rain all along,    It only needs a little light…to gradually bloom.

   We took a walk around the house for a while. I spent all my time trying to remember everything that had happened in this house once more, revisiting memories because I didn’t want any part to be lost, since this was where we lived together. As I’ve said before, it might not have been the warmest home, but it was our home.

   When I thought everything was in order, and I didn’t want to bother Aunt Nuan anymore, I was about to take my leave, but Aunt Nuan seemed to remember something.

   “Oh, right, I have something else to tell you.”

“What is it?”

I followed her to the storage room beside the house, because it holds not-so-good memories for me, and even now, it still does, making me feel uncomfortable being around here.

“No need to go in, just wait a moment, Aunt will get the things for you.”    “Okay.”

I watched Aunt Nuan disappear into the storage room and come out with four cardboard boxes in her hands, which she placed in front of me.

“These are things that Grandpa hid away without telling anyone because your father forbade it, but telling you now won’t be a problem.”

“What are they?” I raised my eyebrows in question.

“I don’t know either.”

“Oh…what?”

“But they’ve been sent every year since you were one, every

March.”

“Every year? March?”

“March is your birth month, isn’t it?”

!!

I widened my eyes in shock at what she said. What does it mean that these things were sent to the house every year around my birthday?

   “But…there are only four boxes.”

“Yes, many times the lady threw them away. These four boxes, I secretly kept them.” Aunt Nuan said with a face that was beginning to look worried, “But there’s no sender’s name and no return address.”

“…”

“But there is a recipient’s name.”

My hands started to shake, my heart beating so hard it felt like it would burst out; I couldn’t control my trembling. Slowly, I sat down and reached out to grab one of the boxes in front of me.

   Could it be…what I’m thinking?

   I picked up one of the boxes, turned it over to look for a name, and indeed found there was a recipient’s name written on it.

   It said…    To…Ren    Ren…?

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