SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 11: Time Flies

   I looked around; the airport was quite crowded. Today was the day for the parents’ meeting at my faculty, and Aunt Nuan volunteered to come in place of my father. Of course, he wouldn’t come; the seniors said it was okay if parents couldn’t make it, the teachers and dean just wanted to discuss teaching methods and career paths after graduation.

But Aunt Nuan said she wanted to come…

The last time we met was when I went back home. Since returning here, I had to report in. I didn’t join the freshman activities because I wasn’t ready yet; I’d wait until the semester starts. Honestly, I’m quite worried, afraid I won’t fit in. What if my classmates don’t like me?    About the packages sent from home. I brought them back to my dorm. When I opened them up, they seemed like gifts. The first box was a robot model, the second a toy car, the third a notebook, and the last one was Lego.

Aunt Nuan couldn’t remember which box was sent in which year, but from what I could guess…if my assumptions are correct, these were birthday gifts sent to me over the years.

The Lego and toy car must have been from when I was in elementary school; kids at that age usually play with toys like these.    I’m not sure about the robot model; it could be a collector’s item but looks quite expensive, so probably from middle school when I had grown up enough to take care of valuable things.

As for the notebook…the box looks the newest. I’m sure it’s the most recent one.

Whoever sent these gifts each year thought carefully about the age of the child and what would be an appropriate gift.

I’ve considered the possibility that they might have been sent to the wrong house, but if that was the case, why would my mother throw them away? If you find out they were sent to the wrong house, you should return them, or if you can’t return them, you shouldn’t dispose of someone else’s belongings.

Aunt Nuan said she never saw anyone deliver them; she’s usually up before anyone else in the house and found the boxes already placed in front of the door. At first, she showed them to my parents, who discarded them. Some years, she managed to keep them secretly because it seemed suspicious.

Aunt Nuan was as puzzled as I was, but the reason she didn’t tell me before was simple…

Fan made Aunt Nuan promise not to tell me that I wasn’t my mother’s son. I only recently found out that I was born out of wedlock. If Aunt Nuan or Fan suddenly told me that gifts were sent every year on my birthday, that would definitely make me suspicious, and my father strictly forbade it.

I can say this because now I know everything…

Now, my head is filled with hope. Even though the recipient’s name isn’t mine, they’ve been sent every March, which is my birth month, and they seem like birthday gifts.    As for the recipient’s name…Ren.

It can be interpreted in many ways, but the simplest guess…it’s the name my mother gave me before my father changed it to Typhoon.    I used to wonder who my mother was, where she was, if she’s well, why she left me, why she didn’t love me, why she didn’t even give me a name.

I want all these things to have a reason beyond not loving me…my mother is another person I pray for happiness and health every day, no matter where she is in the world.

There’s no evidence that my guesses are correct.

Moreover…Aunt Nuan said it’s been two years since there were no gifts, meaning there might not be any more gifts sent. These things are like they come from nowhere, with no sender’s name, no return address. Nothing at all.

I think they weren’t sent through the postal service because, one, they were placed there early in the morning, the postal service’s operating hours are from about eight to four; two, the post office wouldn’t just leave it at the doorstep; three, without a sender’s name or address, it wouldn’t go through the postal system.

That means someone placed them there…

And how can I find out…there are no security cameras around there either.

But if what I guessed is true, it would be quite wonderful. I was a child who didn’t get many toys from my parents, unlike Fan who had toys all over her room. I used to feel jealous that I had no toys to show off to my friends at school, but in reality…maybe I did have some.

“Phoon.”

“Yes,” I quickly looked up at the person who stopped in front of me, Aunt Nuan in an outfit that looked rather unusual. I don’t often see her in something so formal.

“Do I look okay?”

“Yes, you look very beautiful.”

“Should we go then, what time is the meeting?”

“My faculty has scheduled it for around one in the afternoon,” I said, standing up, “Let’s go.”

“Okay, show me around Chiang Mai a bit.”

“I’m not very confident about the routes though.”

“Do you get lost often?”

“No, I’ve gotten better, Phii Fah…” I fell silent, realizing I had accidentally mentioned Phii Fah’s name, “Phii Fah…he took me around the city so often, I’ve started to remember some of the ways.”    “Oh…Tonfah,” Aunt Nuan said, as if just remembering, while we walked out to hail a ride, “He’s doing well, isn’t he?”    “Yes…from what I have seen, he seems to be doing well.”    “He must have grown even more handsome. When he was little, everyone was fond of him.”

“It looks like that’s still the case,” I said softly, “Aunt Nuan.” I called as we were now on a Songthaew heading back to the university.

“Hmm?”

“I…won’t be with Phii Fah anymore.”

I decided to tell Aunt Nuan everything. The other person, who listened to the whole story, looked saddened but not very surprised.

“I…am not that surprised.”

“…”

“He…no, not anymore. Now he’s not ‘he’ because he’s no longer employing me, Khun Rati…if I’m to be honest, he’s…quite selfish.”    “…Yes,” I nodded slowly. It might look bad to think of my father that way, but sometimes, it’s really hard not to think so.    “It must be a tough decision, deciding which way to go.”

“Yes, the toughest in my life.”

“But no matter what, you never turned your back on the family, I understand,” Aunt Nuan said in a gentle voice, reaching out to gently stroke my head, “Tonfah must understand too.”    “Will he understand, even though I was so cruel?”

“He understands. Even now, he understands.”

“…”

“I was with you kids since you were little, often helping to take care of you, Fah, when he came over to play. I think…someone like Fah isn’t the type to go around digging into other people’s affairs, no matter how curious he might be. He always respects and honors others’ decisions.”

“So…Aunt, you think Fah might not know what happened. The matter of Fan’s passing isn’t something that can be kept secret for long. Even if Tonfah knows, he still wouldn’t understand why I had to distance myself.”

“…That’s true, isn’t it?”

We got off the public transport and walked into my faculty area. I came here the other day, the day I had to report for registration. At that time, I left right after my business was done. I didn’t go to greet other students in my faculty, even though the seniors advised us to get to know each other.

“I can’t go in,” I said with a worried frown; the senior standing outside the meeting room said that students shouldn’t enter, only parents were allowed.

“It’s okay, I came prepared with paper to take notes,” Aunt Nuan said, raising her bag, “To find out how this faculty works, if it’s suitable for you, Phoon.”

“Thank you,” I said with a wide smile, watching her walk into the meeting room. I went out to sit on a bench outside.

Maybe Aunt Nuan was right…Phii Fah is the type who respects everyone’s decisions. He doesn’t interfere, doesn’t meddle too much, and always honors others.

   Phii Fah once told me, “I believe that every decision you make, you have thought it through well, and I will respect that decision.

It must have been the best decision at that time.”

   But I can’t remember what we were talking about then, which led Phii Fah to say that. It would be best if Phii Fah didn’t know more than what I want him to know because if he knew, certainly in my father’s eyes, I would be the one at fault.

I’m not hoping for Phii Fah to understand…but I hope that one day I’ll have a chance to go back, to apologize, to explain everything, and on that day…I hope Phii Fah will forgive me.

Forgive someone as cruel as me…

“Hello.”

“…”

I turned to see a guy walking up to greet me, I guessed he was also a freshman like me. He sat down on the bench next to me, with a friendly demeanor and a broad smile on his face.

“Waiting for your parents?”

“Oh, yes…you too?”

“Yeah…there aren’t many first-years around here.”

“They must be waiting somewhere else.”

“Then, should we go to the coffee shop to wait?”

“Oh…uh, sure.”

I stood up and followed the other guy, feeling somewhat dazed.    “What’s your name? I forgot to ask,” he turned to ask me with a cheerful expression.

“Typhoon.”

“Oh…I’m Ter, you can just call me Ter.”

“Hmm, nice to meet you.”

“Oh…uh.”

“What?” I asked, surprised when Ter suddenly paused.    “Nothing…just thought you would make a pun, like, hmm, nice to meet you, Ter.”

“…Do I have to do that?”

“No, no. I just met someone who did that, kept calling me just Ter for several days now.” Ter let out a small chuckle, making me raise my eyebrows in surprise as we walked into the faculty’s coffee shop.

He seems so cheerful…

“Really? People still make puns like that? And for several days too.”

“Yeah, it’s my roommate.”

“Living in the dorm?”

“No, outside dorm, but they assigned roommates randomly.”

“Oh.”

We sat and chatted, getting to know each other. It’s been a while since I’ve talked like this with someone. As I mentioned before, at my old school, once I distanced myself from the more mischievous friends, I was always teased by them.

Could Ter be…the one Phii Fah was talking about?

The one who said…I would definitely meet some good friends.    “Really? I like photography too,” Ter said, his eyes lighting up when we got to talking about hobbies, “But I’m not very good yet, I haven’t been practicing for long. How long has Phoon been into photography?”    “For many years now.”

“So you carry your camera around all the time?”

“Yes, it’s become a habit,” I said, lifting the camera that was slung around my neck.

“Wow, that’s cool. I haven’t reached the point where I carry my camera everywhere.”

“That way, you can capture anything you want to shoot immediately.”

“Can I see some of your photos?”

“Sure,” I handed him my camera. Ter took it and started looking through the photos. We had only been sitting for a few minutes, but he had already finished two cups of cocoa, “Do you like cocoa?”

“Yeah, I do. Do you like tea?”

“I like it,” I said, picking up my own cup of herbal tea to drink.

“I’m okay with tea.”

“Why’s that?”

“It’s not sweet.”

“Is not being sweet wrong?”

“It’s wrong. Sweet drinks should be sweet. Anyone who drinks things with less sugar should be sentenced.”

“But this is tea.”

“Tea should also be sweet.”

So, he just likes sweet things, doesn’t he…

“Phoon, you take beautiful photos, wow…” the other said with wide eyes, making me smile unintentionally. Why does Ter make me smile so easily? “Which lens did you use for this one?”

“Let me see.”

And then we talked about cameras with great enthusiasm. I’ve never had someone to talk about cameras like this with. It’s not often I get to have such fun conversations.

“Why did you choose to study veterinary medicine?” I asked.

“I just like animals.”

“Oh. I think you are like an animal too.”

“Are you joking or insulting?”

“No, I mean, Ter is like a hamster.”

“Funny.”

“No, I’m serious.”

“Then Phoon is like a cat.”

“A cat?”

“Yes, a cat.”

“I’m not like that,” I protested.

“Then I’m not like a hamster either.”

“Okay.”

“And why did you choose this faculty?”

“Hmm, well…I don’t know, I guess I just passed the exam,” I said, that’s really why I got in.

Then suddenly, there was a phone ringing. Ter picked up his phone and answered it.

“What’s up?”

(…)

   “I’m at the coffee shop near my faculty.”

(…)

   “I’m with a friend, come join us.”

(…)

   “Should I order something for you?”

(…)

   “Okay, hurry up.”

“My friend is coming,” he said after hanging up.

“Oh, should we leave then?”

“Hey, why leave? Let’s stay together.”

“But isn’t your friend coming?”

“It’s fine, does Phoon feel uncomfortable?”

“No, but won’t your friend feel uncomfortable?”

“No way.”

“Okay.”

We waited for about ten minutes before someone came into the shop holding bike keys, his hair slightly tousled, probably from riding a motorcycle. He looked around the shop before spotting Ter waving at him, and then walked over and sat next to Ter.

“Phoon, this is North, my roommate.”

“North, this is Typhoon, my friend.”

“Why do you use pronouns like that?” North asked before noticing the green tea Ter had ordered for him, “Did you order it less sweet for me?”

“No, it’s normally sweet.”

“Ter, I don’t like it too sweet.”

“That’s your problem.”

“But this is my cup.”

“But I ordered it.”

“Then you drink it.”

“North, don’t be so fussy.”

“I don’t want to get diabetes like you.”

“Why, one day you’ll get gout anyway.”

“I’ll never get gout,” North said with irritation before reaching for the green tea to drink, “Oh, I forgot, sorry. I’m North.”

“Spit.”

“What’s your problem, Ter?”

“Come here, you.”

“Should I tell your friend to go fuck himself?”

“Dare you?”

“How can I dare? I just met him. How would he see me?”    I couldn’t help but laugh at the nonsensical and energy-wasting argument between the two in front of me, but for some reason, I found it amusing.

“Ah, let’s start over. I’m North, just call me North.”

“North, the troublemaker.”

“Hey, why? North, Ter, Phoon, just call us by that.”

I laughed harder at North’s words, laughing so much my shoulders shook. It’s been a while since I laughed like this.

“Okay. I’m Phoon from the South, just call me Phoon.” “Okay, just Phoon,” North said.

“Sigh,” Ter let out a small sigh.

“What’s the problem, Ter?”

“Phoon, don’t listen to North, he’s nonsensical,” Ter sighed even heavier, “Oh, he studies electrical engineering.”

“Engineering?” I asked, turning to him. That didn’t seem too surprising. It seemed to fit him well.

“Yeah, and you’re studying veterinary medicine too?”    “Hmm,” I nodded.

“Where are you from?”

“Phuket.”

“Wow, say something in Southern Thai dialect for us.”

“Suddenly asking me to speak, I can’t do it,” I said, unable to keep from laughing.

“Ter is from Rayong,” North said, “Rayong, hi.”

“Stop teasing me.”

“And where is North from?” I asked.

“Lampang.”

“I’ve never been to Lampang, just passed through.”

“I’ve never been to Phuket either, just passed through.”

“Passed through where?”

“Yeah, where did you pass through?” I asked the same question Ter did, which made North pause.

“Oh, can’t you pass through Phuket?”

“No,” I said, “It’s at the end.”

“Why not, I’ll show you by passing through it,” North said with irritation, “After passing through, I’ll swim across the sea, you dumbass.”

“North, just accept it.”

“It should be possible.”

“Can you not argue about stuff like this?” Ter said, shaking his head slightly, “It’s pointless.”    “Looking for a fight?”

“No, Phoon, you agree, right? North, don’t steal my cocoa.”    “Give it here,” North grabbed the cocoa from Ter’s hand, sucking it through the straw until it was empty, “How’s that, cry now, Ter?”    “North, fuck you, I just ordered that,” Ter said, beginning to whine,

“You’re such a bastard, I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.”

“Why are we so fragile about the word ‘friend’?”

“Not yet, not ordering another one for you.”

“You’ve had enough, Ter.”

“No, send me another one, pay for me.”

I watched the two of them argue back and forth amusingly; Ter seemed like a cheerful, cute person. North, on the other hand, was funny and quite the troublemaker, utterly nonsensical.    I found out that the two of them are roommates who rent an apartment together, and North studies electrical engineering. I think someone like North is the kind of person anyone would want to be around. Just being with him for a short while made me feel a lot more at ease.

He’s so different from me.

We exchanged LINE IDs and phone numbers, and then parted ways after the meeting ended. I took Aunt Nuan back to the airport and then returned to my dorm.

Today was a really good day for me.

To…Torfan

   Today was the parent-teacher conference, and Aunt Nuan came in place of Dad, which made you very happy. Although I felt a bit apologetic, I’m truly grateful that Aunt Nuan came. She’s always been kind like this since we were kids, and she took good care of us, even now that Dad no longer employs her, she still cares about Phoon.

   I really feel grateful, from the bottom of my heart…

   Also, I have made some new friends. The first one is named Easter, who said I can just call him Ter, he’s very cute, cheerful all over, with chubby cheeks and big eyes, friendly manner, easy to talk to, kind-hearted, and we’re in the same faculty. It would be nice if we could be together.

   The other one is named North, who said I can just call him North too. He’s funny, with a laid-back, cool attitude, but you can feel his mischievousness even when he’s not doing anything. When he smiles, it’s really cute.

   I like these two a lot, but I don’t know if they like me. They might not like that I am quiet and don’t know what to talk about. But at least, me and Ter had a great time talking about cameras because Ter also likes photography. It would be nice if we could shoot photos together.

   The new semester is about to start, just a few days away. I hope there will be more good things happening, because there have been a lot of good things lately. However, the matter with Phii Fah still makes me feel bad like before; the more I think about it, the worse I feel. I don’t know how to fix it or how long this will go on.    If we happen to meet after the term starts, it would be terrible. I don’t know how to act, hoping we won’t meet often. I don’t want to keep ignoring Phii Fah; it feels awful.

   Anyway, good night.

   P.S. I wonder if sweet tea would be tasty, I guess I’ll have to try it because not having it sweet might get me executed!

   With love and good wishes always,

   From…Typhoon

   I folded the letter and tucked it into the drawer as I do every day.

Thinking of Fan reminded me that…it’s been about two years since Fan passed away, and the gift boxes that were sent every year stopped coming two years ago.

The same time frame…could there be any connection, or is it just a coincidence?

Since I met Ter, I’ve also gotten to know Foam, who is in the same faculty. We became closer faster than I thought, including North. I’ve visited North’s and Ter’s room a few times, everything seems to be getting better. After making friends, at least I have someone to talk to and laugh with, to go out with.

But many times, when I come back to my room and collapse onto my bed, exhausted, I think of Phii Fah. I keep wondering how he is, what he’s doing, if he’s eaten, the same old questions keep circling in my mind.

I talk to Aunt Nuan much more often now, at least before going to bed, when she asks how my day was. We don’t talk much because Aunt Nuan is busy too, she has her own children and grandchildren to look after. Just dropping by LINE to chat for a few minutes a day is enough.

That’s enough…

I’ve never asked for much anyway.

If…if Phii Fah was still here…

I wouldn’t ask for anything else, really.

The time before the semester started was the hardest for my heart, and what surprised me was, Ter…and Phii Hill, yes, the same Phii Hill who used to call Phii Fah, those two are dating…

I was surprised from the moment they met each other, but when I found out that Phii Hill was courting Ter, that made me even more surprised. Not surprised about the courting part…but surprised at how coincidental it might be.

The first time I met Phii Fah again was when Foam took me to see Ter at the Star Moon competition. That time, I met all of Phii Fah’s friends. Whether it was Phii Jo Han, Phii Hill, and Phii Arthit.    At that time, I didn’t even dare to look at Phii Fah’s face. I couldn’t stop my eyes from showing my sadness. I didn’t know what Phii Fah was thinking, if he was still angry. I’ll be honest, when I got lost with Foam, and Phii Fah volunteered to pick us up, I was happy.

But when I realized what I had done…I could no longer look at him.

It’s like we…never knew each other before.

Isn’t that right…wasn’t that what we wanted?

Even though my friend and Phii Fah’s friend are dating, it doesn’t make us meet often. Ter seems happier than ever. I’m genuinely glad that Phii Hill takes such good care of my friend; Ter deserves to be loved.

One semester has passed…and I’m still the same. Some days when I see Phii Fah, my heart aches indescribably, and I still go back to crying and writing letters like before.

I’ve met another friend named Daotok. North likes to tease him about why his name sounds like a girl’s, and Daotok sighs every time. Daotok is a friend from the drawing club, and I heard Phii Hill was going to bring everyone from his group to join too…luckily, the professors don’t allow medical students in the drawing club.    It’s quite uncomfortable when we meet, but still…sometimes I still want to see him.

Yes…no matter what, I still want to be with him…

I hear news about Phii Fah from what others say. If I ask Ter, I’d probably get more information, but I’m too scared to ask. I’m afraid Ter would feel bad about what happened, so I decided it’s better not to tell him.

It’s not a story worth telling…

Then something even more surprising happened…when Ter told me that Phii Jo is courting North.

It…you could call it coincidence, right…

I knew from the beginning when Phii Jo started talking to North because Ter told me, but I hardly ever met North. By the time we did meet, they were already dating.

At first, I was worried, very worried because there were rumors that Phii Jo was a playboy, but then I thought about it; that’s North we’re talking about, he’s smart. If Phii Jo were really a bad person, North wouldn’t have gotten involved from the start. Whether it’s Phii Hill’s couple or Phii Jo’s, it’s big news for the university because they are very popular, but Ter and North probably don’t realize it much.

So…thank you Phii Jo for taking good care of North.

As for Phii Fah…he’s got more admirers now since his two friends announced they were taken. There’s news that he even had to change clubs because of issues with the girls. I just quietly followed the news about Phii Fah.

Avoiding Phii Fah has become harder. I think it’s often obvious that I’m avoiding him, and Phii Fah himself seems like he doesn’t want to get involved with me anymore; he must really hate me now.

It still hurts…more than I thought it would.

Does it hurt this much…to be hated by someone you love?    Another thing that stresses me out is…the medical faculty’s entrance exam. I tried to study again to get into medical school, but I failed. It’s not easy to pass the medical faculty’s exam, especially since the results showed I didn’t make it. Of course, the first person to call and scold me was my father; he was very angry that I disappointed him.    Would Fan be disappointed in me too…I couldn’t make Fan’s dream come true.

I couldn’t become a doctor…

If I don’t pass, my options are to try for the medical exam next year, but to do that, I would need to drop out since you’re not allowed to study beyond the first year for medical school, or continue with veterinary medicine, or apply to another faculty where dropping out isn’t necessary. I still can’t decide right now. My friends don’t even know that I failed the medical exam.

And over the past year, I’ve still dreamt of Fan occasionally, but not very often, considering them good dreams.

A year has passed…

   It’s been a year that went by faster than I thought, studying hard, difficult exams, meeting friends, going out with friends, having fun together, participating in university activities, everything seems busy, which is good. At first, I thought it would be much more lonely, but being busy like this is better.

Ter and North both say that Phii Fah is very kind. I agree, and I think many people would agree too, he’s truly very kind.    Phii Fah is the type of guy…who anyone could fall in love with easily.

Before I knew it, the second semester was about to start. During my holiday, I visited Aunt Nuan, stayed with her for almost two weeks, and she was happy about it, saying she had someone to help look after her grandchildren. That’s when I realized I like kids.

As for the gift boxes…I’ve kept them, but I don’t know what to do with them next, there’s nothing to investigate, I can only let them be for now.

Suddenly, my phone notification sounded, and I saw it was Ter calling.    “Hello?”

(Phoon, are you free?)

   “Yeah, I just got back, what’s up?”

(Eat together)

   “Eat together? For what occasion?”

(To celebrate the start of the second year.)

   “Celebrate the start of the term? Is that okay?”

(Of course, I really want to eat.)

   “You just want to eat. Okay, okay, where, what time, who’s going?”

(I’ll come pick you up with Phii Hill, around five.)

   “Phii Hill is coming too?”

(Hmm, why?)

   “Nothing…then…”

(North and Phii Jo are going too.)

   “Oh…”

(You coming?)

   “Well…”

(Come on. We haven’t met in a while.)

   “I think next time would be better.”

(Phoon, please, come on, Foam is going too, North’s friends are going, lots of people, it’ll be fun.)

   “You…”

(I’m begging you.)

   “…”

(Phoon.)

   “Sigh, there will be a lot of people, right?”

(Lots, tons.)

   “Then we need a big table.”

(Yeah, it’s huge.)

   “Okay, I can go.”

(Great, Phoon, see you there.)

   “Okay.”

I let out a small sigh after hanging up.

   It’s okay…

   It might be a bit awkward if we meet.

   But…I still want to see him.

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 10: You’re Your Home

   Five meters…

Four meters…

Three…

Two…

One…

Half a meter from me…to someone standing outside, only a wooden door separates us. I reached out to touch the door handle, but I had to lower my hand.

I can’t…

I can’t open this door…

After the day I decided to leave, the same number, the only one that called me the most, kept calling repeatedly. He sent messages several times, asking if something was wrong, what was wrong, why I suddenly left without saying anything.

After that, those messages turned into questions like…where did you go, why aren’t you answering, are you mad at something, can you come see me?

   I didn’t open those messages, but I waited to read them from the notifications. Phii Fah didn’t just send messages to me; he also sent them to Fan. Of course, I didn’t open them on Fan’s phone either.

Two days have passed since then.

And now…

“Phoon, come out.”

“…”

“Phoon.”

“…”

“Can we talk? Please come out.”

“…”

“Please?”

The sound of knocking on the door and the familiar voice rang out intermittently. I stood in front of the door, just a step away from Phii Fah, but in reality, we were so far apart.

I can’t open this door…

I can’t…

Phii Fah…I am sorry.

I pressed my lips together tightly, letting the tears flow down again. I don’t know how long it’s been, but my tears won’t stop, not since I stepped out of your room that day.

As if I am the darkness that vanishes when the light of the sun shines, when you open your eyes, all you find is that the darkness has gone…

I haven’t eaten anything except for some snacks left in the room. I haven’t gone out, and I don’t want to. I’ve been in my room day and night with the guilt, the loneliness eating away at me, the despair, along with a heart that’s already shattered…

Because my room is at the very end. Looking out the window, I saw the sky getting darker with clouds.

The sky is about to cry…

Can you not cry today?

Because I’ve cried enough for both of us.

“Won’t you answer?”

“…”

“Do you hate me now?”

I covered my mouth with my hand and cried even harder, collapsing to the floor without strength, biting my lip hard. Not caring about any pain, to hold back my sobs.

No…

   No way…

   I could never hate you.

   Even if I die…

   Even if I were to die…

   I would still love you…

   “You are avoiding me, right?”

“…”

“I don’t know what I did wrong, or if there’s something about me that you don’t like. From the first time I met you here, I decided to take good care of you, to make up for the years we were apart.”

“…”

“Is it because I didn’t take good care of you, Phoon?”

“…”

Phii Fah

   Please don’t blame yourself…I beg you…beg you, please blame Phoon instead, Phoon is at fault, Phoon is the one who’s wrong, I beg you…Phii Fah hasn’t done anything wrong, Phoon doesn’t even deserve to be by your side.

   I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…

   My hands started to tense, I moved to grip my hair, pulling it without realizing.

   I deserve the pain. I deserve more pain than this…

   Soon, the rain started to fall, muffling the voice of the person on the other side.

   Go back.

   Phii Fah, please go back.

   Please…you shouldn’t be here.

   Please…go back, go back to where you belong.

   Don’t…waste your time on me anymore.

   “Go back.”

“Phoon…”

“How long will you bother me?”

“…”

“You can go back now.”

“…Phoon.”

“Please go back, I don’t want to say anything more.”

“Are you that angry at me? Can you tell me why you’re angry?”

“…”

“Can we talk for a bit…please?”

“I’m annoyed.”

“…”

“Don’t act like you care.”

“…”

“Please leave in front of my door.”

“…Yes, okay.”

“…”

“Okay, I will leave now.”

Before the voice from the other side of the door faded away…it was replaced by the sound of rain, louder than any other sound I was hearing at that moment, including my own quiet sobs.

   I don’t even have the strength to cry anymore…

   This is for the best.

   It’s for the best…

   Phii Fah is gone.

   Please…don’t get caught in the rain.

   “Travel…safely.”    One hour…

   Two hours…

   One day.

   One week.

   Two weeks…

   Time passes without you by my side anymore. Whether the sky is bright or gloomy, the sun still rises and sets the same every day. What I like to do is watch time pass, and everything remains unchanged.

   Except…there’s no you.

   Returning to a sky that’s out of reach once more.

   No, it’s always been a sky out of reach.

   I didn’t contact anyone after that day; each day passed with difficulty. I didn’t even want to talk to Uncle. I didn’t speak to Dad either, guessing he must be worried if I followed his orders, so he called many times.

   At least, I could go out and eat enough. Even if not for every meal, I could take care of the plants that started to wilt because I hadn’t watered them, and go out to take pictures of the sky like I used to do regularly. Some nights I couldn’t sleep, the nightmare was so cruel, that I would end up crying sometimes.

   But it passed…like it always does.

   As I said, it’s not good, but it’s not terrible either.

   I always try to make sure there’s at least one good thing in my day. Before, I would stop by to feed stray dogs near the school, help support the old lady at the fruit stand, help teachers carry things, small things that made me feel valuable. Just these little things were enough to make me want to keep living.

   It’s still like that these days. I buy food for the stray cats around the dorm every day, but I don’t know what else to do. Does planting trees count as a good deed? At least it helps produce oxygen. Maybe I can help someone breathe easier.

   Time has helped me feel a bit better. Although not much, I’m not crying myself to sleep like I did for the first three days after Phii Fah left.

   I’ve been following the university’s page, and I saw that the medical faculty is currently organizing a volunteer camp. It looks like Phii Fah and his friends are going too.

   Being able to watch from a distance like this, seeing that he’s doing well, that’s good enough.

   I’ve blocked Phii Fah’s LINE on both my phone and Fan’s. Of course, that was something my dad insisted on, the last thing I had to do.

   I walked back into my room after watering the plants, the same song has been playing on loop for almost an hour now. I don’t think it’s a sad song, but it makes me feel more lonely, and I like it. I don’t want to turn it off or change it.

   You’re the light, I’m the shadow on the wall when you sleep

   Everything that I need is right here with me    Come to me…

   All that I can say’s already said

   I come to you

   There is one word that I can’t forget

   “Goodbye

Good, goodbye”

Little time, not a moment wasted with you

I realized to stay, we had to break away

My phone rang, I looked at the screen to see it was Aunt Nuan, the housekeeper who’s taken care of me and Fan since we were kids.

“Yes?”

(Phoon, how are you?)

   “I’m fine, how are you, Aunt Nuan?”

(I’m fine, how is it there? Since you moved there, we haven’t talked much. Why don’t you call me sometimes?)

   “…I’m sorry, I’ve been quite busy.”

(It’s okay, are you getting used to the dorm yet?)

   “I’m starting to get used to it.”

(And where do you go to eat? Are there any restaurants around there?)

I talked with Aunt Nuan for a while. The other party asked about my well-being in a way Dad never did, which made me feel unexpectedly happy. I don’t often call Aunt Nuan because I don’t want to disturb her too much, especially since after my house was announced for sale, all the maids and housekeepers were let go. Even though we were close, we’re not family. I didn’t want to bother her.

(Will you come back to the house? I’m currently sorting through household items.)

   “I’ll probably come back. When is Dad going to sell the house?”

(He said he wants to sell it as soon as possible.)

   “Then Phoon will come back soon since the new semester is starting.”

(That’s good, let me know when you’re coming.)

   “Oh…are you going to the house today?”

(Yes.)

   “Then I will go today.”

(Right now?)

   “Yes.”

(Shall I pick you up at the airport?)

   “It’s okay.”

(Let me pick you up, how long before you arrive?)

   “Not long, I’ll call again once I’ve booked the ticket.”

(Okay.)

   I walked out of the crowded airport and saw Aunt Nuan standing there waiting, a sight that made me smile unintentionally. I walked up to her and hugged her immediately.

“Have you been waiting long?”

“Not too long.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s nothing.”

I followed the other person to an old pickup truck.

“The truck is pretty old, are you okay with it?”

“Yes, I had no problem at all,” I said, giving a slight smile as I climbed into the passenger seat. If possible, I wish my father or mother could be as kind as Aunt Nuan. Once that house is sold, we probably won’t see each other again.

Not only will the house full of my memories disappear, but the people in those memories will vanish too.

“Aunt Nuan, What will you do after the house is sold?”    “As for me, I’ll probably go back to live in my hometown. I won’t work anymore, I’m too old for that.”    “That’s good, you’ll get to rest.”

“Shall we stop by Fan’s place first?”

“Uh, if it’s not too much trouble, could you please stop by?” I said, and the truck turned into the temple’s parking lot. The two of us bought some flowers and went inside together.

I used to come here a lot before; if I told others that the cemetery was my favorite place, it would sound very strange, but what can I do…since the people I love are here.

“Aunt Nuan.”

“Yes?”

“Do you think it’s possible…that Fan might…still be here?”    “…Oh,” my words made the person walking beside me pause slightly, “I…don’t know.”

“…”

“Why do you ask?”

“No reason.”

“…Yes.”

After I placed the flowers in front of the picture, I wanted to stay a bit longer. Aunt Nuan said she would wait in the car, thinking I’d rather be alone with Fan. I sat down without worrying about getting dirty, glancing at the photo of my older sister.

“I’m back.”

I spoke softly with a slight smile.

“Do you miss me? I’m sorry for not bringing flowers every day like before. It must be lonely without anyone to talk to, right?”

“I get lonely there too.”

I often do this, just keep talking as if Fan is sitting there listening, because not many people come around here. For others, it might be scary, but not for me at all.

   “Fan, you said you read the letters. I am glad that you read them. Honestly, I don’t know if that’s really you or if it’s just me imagining it.”

“But thank you for being by my side.”

“If that’s really Fan, does it mean you haven’t gone anywhere?”    “…Are you still worried about you? Is it because I made it so you can’t go anywhere?”

“Oh, young man. Haven’t seen you in a while.” A greeting with a hoarse voice made me turn around. Uncle Yod is a volunteer who takes care of cleaning the temple; his house is right next to it. I immediately greeted him with a wai.

“Yes. I’ve started university.”

“Oh, right, I forget things sometimes. How’s it going?”    “It’s good, still getting used to it,” I smiled because I come here often, so I meet Uncle Yod frequently. He said that since he started cleaning here, he’s never seen anyone visit the cemetery as often as I do, “How about you, Uncle?”

“I’m just getting by. Nothing much,” he said as he sat down on the bench, looking tired. He’s quite old. The reason he still helps at the temple is that after coming back from odd jobs, he didn’t know what else to do, and his wife had left him with their child years ago.    The life stories Uncle Yod told me made me realize that sometimes life isn’t beautiful, but you have to keep living.

   Uncle Yod finds small joys from helping clean the temple, sweeping leaves, picking up trash, and taking care of the graves of many important people. It might not be much, but it’s enough for some people to keep living.

   It’s no different from what I do every day to keep myself going, to wait for another sunrise, then say goodbye to another sunset.

   “I have to go now.”

“Hmm. Good luck.”

“Thank you.”

I bowed in farewell, then walked back to Aunt Nuan who was standing by the truck, and we returned home together, to the familiar neighborhood, the roads, the houses, the people, almost nothing has changed, and it still feels heartbreaking every time I think about it.

If this house is sold…I won’t have a home to return to anymore.    The marble bench where we used to sit and play, the lawn, the pathways, the front steps, the wooden door, the walls where we used to scribble, the living room where we liked to hang out together, every place in this house is filled with memories.    Can’t it just not be sold, this house of ours…

I walked up the stairs and opened the door to Fan’s bedroom. It was heartbreaking to see everything gone, leaving just an empty room.    Because the owner of this room is gone…everything in this house has disappeared with her.

“What about Fan’s remaining belongings?”

“You can donate them, the ones that are still usable.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Fan would be happy to know her things could be useful to others,” I said, managing a slight smile.

“Phoon…”

“Yes?”

“…”

“Actually…” Aunt Nuan came closer to me, lowering her head and

speaking softly, “I don’t know if I should say this.”

“Fan, she knew from the start that you two didn’t share the same mother.”

!!

“…”

“Uh…did Fan know?” I asked in surprise, my heart beginning to beat irregularly, feeling a knot in my stomach.

“Yes. At that time, you, you, were probably asleep. I and Fan overheard the lady and your father arguing.”

“We were both really shocked. I thought Fan would be angry, but she smiled and said…”    “Said what?”

“Don’t tell Phoon.”

“…”

I clenched my lips tight to hold back the emotions welling up in my chest. I had once wondered if Fan would still love me the same if she knew I wasn’t their real child, but the truth is, Fan already knew everything, and yet…she still loved me the same.

   “And ever since Fan passed away, everything went downhill. I didn’t know what to do, I could only try to take good care of you, Phoon.”    “Yes…Aunt Nuan, you have always taken good care of me.”    “Phoon, you’re not the one who broke the family. Even Fan never thought that way, so don’t blame yourself.”

“…sniff”

“I’ve been worried all this time. I didn’t know how to comfort you because the only person you’ve always needed is your father. I’m sorry for saying this, but I’ve seen it since you were a child.”

“…Yes, sniff,” I bit my lip hard and let the tears flow down slowly, unable to stop them.    “I love you, Phoon.”

“…”

“It might not be the love you’re looking for, but I want you to know there’s someone who loves you.”

“…”

“It’s okay, no matter whose child you are. But I’m the one who changed your diapers, who made your milk, who took you to kindergarten, who taught you how to put on socks, who bandaged your scrapes when you fell, who held your hand to buy sweets.”

“…”

“Please don’t take it the wrong way, but you’re like one of my children.”    “…hiccup”

“Don’t just look for people who have turned their backs on you, to the point you forget about this old woman.”

“Aunt…” I hugged the person in front of me tightly and cried out loud without any shame, “Th-thank you, hiccup, thank you.”    “I love you Aunt, love you Aunt…thank you for taking care of me all this time, thank you.”

Aunt Nuan hugged me back, and her embrace grew even tighter.    Why…why hadn’t I ever thought about it? I was only looking for love from those who never loved me, ignoring everything else.    Aunt Nuan comforted me until I stopped crying, raising her hand to wipe away the tears all over my face.

“Thank you, really.”

“It’s alright, dear. I might not be able to help much, but you can talk to me about anything. If there’s anything I can help with, I want to help.”

I smiled, feeling an indescribable warmth in my heart.

“Just Aunt Nuan not abandoning me is enough.”    If there’s no rain…flowers won’t bloom.

   For this flower that has been amidst the rain all along,    It only needs a little light…to gradually bloom.

   We took a walk around the house for a while. I spent all my time trying to remember everything that had happened in this house once more, revisiting memories because I didn’t want any part to be lost, since this was where we lived together. As I’ve said before, it might not have been the warmest home, but it was our home.

   When I thought everything was in order, and I didn’t want to bother Aunt Nuan anymore, I was about to take my leave, but Aunt Nuan seemed to remember something.

   “Oh, right, I have something else to tell you.”

“What is it?”

I followed her to the storage room beside the house, because it holds not-so-good memories for me, and even now, it still does, making me feel uncomfortable being around here.

“No need to go in, just wait a moment, Aunt will get the things for you.”    “Okay.”

I watched Aunt Nuan disappear into the storage room and come out with four cardboard boxes in her hands, which she placed in front of me.

“These are things that Grandpa hid away without telling anyone because your father forbade it, but telling you now won’t be a problem.”

“What are they?” I raised my eyebrows in question.

“I don’t know either.”

“Oh…what?”

“But they’ve been sent every year since you were one, every

March.”

“Every year? March?”

“March is your birth month, isn’t it?”

!!

I widened my eyes in shock at what she said. What does it mean that these things were sent to the house every year around my birthday?

   “But…there are only four boxes.”

“Yes, many times the lady threw them away. These four boxes, I secretly kept them.” Aunt Nuan said with a face that was beginning to look worried, “But there’s no sender’s name and no return address.”

“…”

“But there is a recipient’s name.”

My hands started to shake, my heart beating so hard it felt like it would burst out; I couldn’t control my trembling. Slowly, I sat down and reached out to grab one of the boxes in front of me.

   Could it be…what I’m thinking?

   I picked up one of the boxes, turned it over to look for a name, and indeed found there was a recipient’s name written on it.

   It said…    To…Ren    Ren…?

 SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME 

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 9: Forever Rain

   I sat looking at the picture on the desk and couldn’t help but smile. It was a family photo from when I was six years old. I usually kept this picture hidden in a drawer. I’m not sure why…I just felt a strange tightness in my chest looking at it; there were smiles from my parents. Fan and I were wearing matching outfits, holding hands and smiling broadly at the camera.

Could this family have been warmer? If I were truly their child, huh, I shouldn’t have these thoughts, but it’s not all bad. We used to eat together, go on trips, talk, be parents and children, siblings, and a family.

Half of it was family…

After more than a week, and after I made a promise to Phii Fah, I asked why we needed a promise. Phii Fah said he makes all his students promise like this, many leave before finishing the tutoring because they get discouraged and don’t want to continue. He didn’t want me to be like that, and it wasn’t surprising since Phii Fah was still Phii Fah.

Nothing has changed between us, which I like, just being ordinary siblings, chatting sometimes, meeting for tutoring at a coffee shop, talking on the phone at night for tutoring, but not every night because Phii Fah has other students to tutor. It’s…a bit disappointing, but it’s okay. Nothing hurts more than having to part ways again.    It feels like counting down to loneliness again. I’ve started to hate mornings. No…I hate how time moves forward. I used to be someone who looked forward to the morning sun, because it meant another day of my life had passed.

But this is the first time I feel…I hate tomorrow.

I don’t want time to pass. I don’t want tomorrow to come, but I can’t do anything about it. I can’t stop time. I can’t change my father’s mind. I want to stay, but I can’t, there’s nothing I can do.

The simplicity of every day is about to change; there won’t be a man named Tonfah anymore, even though I was just getting used to it. If I have to be alone again, will it be as lonely as before or even more painful?

I love these calm, peaceful days, the simple happiness, starting with a morning message asking if he’s awake, asking how his sky is today, what he’s eating, the deep voice from the other end of the line explaining subjects to me patiently.

The person who always orders hot cocoa for me, the left-handed person who writes with his right hand because he says it’s less bothersome to others, the one who always thinks of others before himself. I’ve often wondered if he ever gets tired of looking after others, the person with a faint scent I can’t identify, but just being close to him is comforting.

How do you have that kind of smile, the one that always heals others, those warm, comforting eyes? Just looking at them makes my heart melt.

Whoever sent you to me, so we could meet, I want to thank them so much…and I want to apologize for not being able to keep you.    I walked out onto the balcony to find the sky darkening, the air getting cooler, and soon it would rain. They say the sky is always beautiful after the rain, but what if the rain never stops? It would become endless rain. Every time I look up, all I see are dark clouds.    I like that saying, the one about the sky being beautiful after the rain.

But I’m scared…I’m so scared that my rain will never stop.    “It’s a shame there’s no sun today,” I said to the plant I had planted, before moving the pot to a shaded area. When it rains, the raindrops won’t splash in; plants need water, but too much can make some rot and die.

I have so many plants on the balcony, almost spilling into the room. Phii Fah bought a lot of them for me, along with a cabinet for my cameras. Phii Fah said if there’s a special occasion, he’ll buy a camera as a gift.

If there is…one.

I really want there to be…I really do hope there is.

Oh…it’s starting to rain.

I stood on the balcony, not minding the raindrops that hit me, no matter how cold it was, I didn’t want to step away from here. I wanted to keep looking at the sky crying like this.

Because the sky cries in streams of rain…

I should take a photo…When I remembered, I quickly went inside to grab my camera and took a picture. It’s a pity that my sky today isn’t very bright, but you’ve cried for me already.    I…hardly have any tears left to shed.

My phone vibrated, notifying me that someone had sent a message.

Tf: I haven’t sent today’s sky yet.

   Tf: Sends photo

   Tf: The weather’s pretty bad today.

   Tf: Don’t get caught in the rain.

   Just these messages make me smile easily.

The person who looks at the sky with me, will he look up at the sky more often now? Will he notice how it changes every day, or just send it to me casually?

And will he know that he’s becoming someone’s precious sky?

-dust-: sends a photo

   -dust-: Yes, please don’t get caught in the rain too.

   Tf: Too late for that.

   Tf: I’m stuck in the rain.

   Tf: sends a photo

   It was a picture of a road with heavy rain, with what looked like a motorcycle parked beside it. Saying “stuck in the rain” means Phii Fah went out on his motorcycle and got caught in the rain, huh? The rain has gotten heavier.    -dust-: That’s bad 🙁 

   -dust-: Be careful not to get sick.

   Tf: It’s okay.

   Tf: Are you in your room?

   -dust-: Yes.

   :

-dust-: I haven’t gone out at all today, afraid of getting caught in the rain.

   Tf: Then it looks like I made a mistake.

   Tf: Should have stayed in the room like you.

   -dust-: Where are you stuck in the rain?

   Tf: sends a photo

   Tf: Actually, it’s not that far from your dorm.

   I furrowed my brows looking at the picture Phii Fah sent, trying to figure out where it was because he said it wasn’t far from my dorm.    I really want to go find him…at the very least, take a shirt or a towel, otherwise, he’ll definitely catch a cold.

-dust-: Wait there.

   Tf: Hmm?

   Tf: Are you coming?

   Tf: No need, what if you get lost?

   -dust-: I won’t get lost.

   -dust-: You did well.    -dust-: Sends sticker    Tf: No.

   Tf: If you come, I will get mad.

   I locked my phone screen, ignoring Phii Fah’s message. I didn’t want him to get mad, but I wanted to go to him even more.

Phii Fah used to come looking for me often, right? When I was caught in the rain…I also want to go find Phii Fah, want to do something for him before I lose the chance to do so again.    I hurried to grab an unused towel and a larger shirt, took an umbrella, and ran down from the dorm. I didn’t know how much help it would be, but at least Phii Fah would have someone to share the rain with.

Typhoon…

What a mess.

I shouldn’t have rushed out like this.

Where do I turn now…

I stood there, confused amidst the heavy rain, the umbrella I brought barely holding off the downpour, soaking my body entirely.    Why am I so foolish, Typhoon? Phii Fah has been waiting for nearly fifteen minutes now, and what’s worse is I forgot my phone. I thought I had put it in my trouser pocket, but I must have left it somewhere and forgot to bring it with me.

!!

While I was standing there confused, suddenly a hand was placed on my shoulder and pulled me around.

I was startled and quickly looked up to see who it was.

Who…

Wearing a helmet like that, who could tell?

The person in front of me lifted the helmet, revealing Phii Fah, who looked somewhat displeased. He was looking at me. I glanced and saw that he was completely soaked.

“Phoon.”

“…Yes?”

“What did I say?”

“Yes?”

“Saying I would be angry, right? If you come out.”

“…Uh, yes.”

“And where have you been? I called, but you didn’t answer.”    “I…got lost, and I forgot my phone, oh!” I was startled because suddenly Phii Fah grabbed my wrist, pulling me to follow him. I felt bad; Phii Fah seemed really angry. I was holding an umbrella in one hand, my arm wrapping a towel and a shirt around it, the other hand being dragged.

I couldn’t see clearly because of the curtain of rain in front of me, but as we got closer, I saw a black big bike parked there. Phii Fah let go of my hand and immediately got on the motorcycle.

“Get on quickly.”

“Yes…yes,” I quickly responded, folding the umbrella in my hand and climbing onto the big bike I had never ridden on before. Then, the person in front of me started the engine and drove off quickly, making me hold onto his waist.

Because of the heavy rain and the strong wind, I had to stay close behind Phii Fah, hoping the towel I had brought wouldn’t get too wet.    After just a short while, we stopped at a place where there was some shelter from the rain. Phii Fah quickly took me under cover. He took off his helmet, revealing his wet hair sticking to his face. Phii Fah gently rubbed his hair to shake off the water.

Oh…

Just now…it felt like my heart skipped a beat.

“You’re not too wet, are you?” Phii Fah asked with a worried tone, his face still showing some displeasure.

“No, here, a towel,” I quickly handed him the towel. Phii Fah took it and used it to dry my hair.

I stood there, dazed, letting him dry my hair, clenching my lips to hold back my emotions, but it didn’t seem to help much.

   My heart was beating strongly because of this man again.

   When he stopped, I took the towel away and looked up.

   Phii Fah…was really scary.

   I immediately looked down.

   “Why don’t you ever listen?”

“…”

“Didn’t I say I would be mad?”

“Yes…I…I’m sorry,” I clenched my lips, furrowing my brows with worry, feeling bad to the core. I had intended to bring the towel and shirt for Phii Fah, but I got lost, making him come look for me, getting even wetter than before…

“Sigh, forget it,” Phii Fah sighed slightly, leaning against the wall, “With rain this heavy, even with an umbrella, you’d still get wet. Why were you standing there like that?”

“I…didn’t know where to go.”

My words made Phii Fah raise his eyebrows, looking not too surprised.

“Yes, I expected this.”

“I’m sorry for causing trouble.”

“It’s okay,” Phii Fah said. I moved to stand beside him, leaning against the wall before Phii Fah reached out to gently pat my head, “If you had stayed in the dorm from the start, you wouldn’t have gotten wet.”

Oh…this is bad.

   Rubbing your hair like that…it’s not good.

   I slowly moved a little away, Phii Fah seemed surprised by my action before lowering his hand.

   “Phii Fah, do you want to dry your hair first?” I asked, offering the towel again, but Phii Fah shook his head in refusal, “Then, the shirt…can you change your shirt? If you stay in those wet clothes, you’ll definitely get sick.”

“Hmm? The shirt, can Phii Fah wear it?”

“Yes, you can,” I said, holding up the shirt. It was quite large. I was sure Phii Fah could wear it.

“Change here?”

“Uh…there’s no one around here.”

“No, that’s not it.” Phii Fah said with a slight smile, “Then, can I borrow the shirt?” He asked. I handed the shirt to him, and he took off his soaking wet shirt, quickly dried himself a bit with the towel, and put on the new shirt.

But I didn’t look directly, just caught a glimpse from the corner of my eye of what he was doing.

   I shouldn’t look…shouldn’t look at all.

   “Thank you,” Phii Fah said.

“Sure.”

It’s okay, I’m glad to help. Even if it makes things more troublesome for you…

   “Then like this, Phoon is stuck in the rain with me, huh?”    “Oh…right.” Because the umbrella was no longer useful, the rain was too heavy and the wind too strong.

But…I intended to get stuck in the rain with him.

“Phii Fah.”

“Yes?”

“…Nothing.” I felt like I wanted to say something to Phii Fah. I call him like this often, but in the end, I never know what to say, “Why did you come around here?”

“Just had some errands.”

“I just found out you ride a motorcycle too.”

“Is it strange?”

“No,” I said because Phii Fah seemed more suited to cars, but riding a big bike like this was cool too, “I had never been a passenger on a big bike.”    “Is it scary?”

“No,” I shook my head. Even though it was raining, riding with Phii

Fah wasn’t scary at all, “Getting caught in the rain like this is terrible.”

“Exactly.”

“But your friend was riding through the rain that day,” I said, thinking of Phii Fah’s friend who rode a big bike in the rain that day.    “Phii Fah doesn’t really like riding a motorcycle when it’s raining, especially when it’s as heavy as today.”

“Oh,” I nodded slightly, indicating I understood.

There was silence between us. No conversation amidst the sound of raindrops falling. We stood beside each other, but we didn’t talk. I wasn’t sure if I should say something or if this silence was better.

“Phii Fah.”

“Yes?”

“What if the rain never stops?”

“There’d be a flood,” he replied.

“…Yes,” I said, letting out a small chuckle, “If there’s a place where it rains all the time, would the people living there ever see a clear sky?”

“Why do they need to see a clear sky?”

“…Well,”

“Some people learn to find happiness in the rain.”

“Oh…”

Phii Fah’s words made me fall silent.

   Learning to find happiness in the rain…

   Myself…

   Learning…to be happy

   With the rain that will fall forever.

   “That’s right.”

I never thought before that I could smile amidst this painful rain, but as Phii Fah said…sometimes you have to learn to live with it when you can’t avoid it.

I can’t ask the rain to stop, I’ve always prayed for my sky to be clear, but it’s never been clear. I can’t do anything about it at all.

But I have to live with it…

“Phoon.”

“Yes?” I turned to look at the person who called my name.

“You’re smiling, did you realize?”

“Oh…no, did I smile without noticing?”

“Yes,” Phii Fah replied, his face adorned with a smile, “Do you know?”

“What?”

“That you look best with a smile.”

“…”

“Smile often, okay?”

“…Yes, thank you,” I said, bowing my head slightly, letting my heart beat faster, unable to help but smile, “I will smile often.”    “Good.” Because I had my head down, I couldn’t see what expression the other person had, but that deep voice made me feel warm as it always does.

Rain like this isn’t so bad after all…

   At least we’re together.

   We waited until the rain started to stop, then Phii Fah took me back to my dorm. We said a brief goodbye before Phii Fah left. I walked back to my room, and that night we had a LINE call to study together, which has become part of my daily routine. Phii Fah said goodnight to me, and I wished goodnight to him too.

   It might just be a casual thing to say. I don’t know if Phii Fah really meant for me to wish goodnightl or if it was just something he said, but it was important to me. I considered it like a bedtime prayer, and

I…

   Wanted to sleep well every night…

   I wrote a letter to Fan, as I always do. I don’t know since when my letters started having more drawings. I’m not very good at drawing. I can just manage.

   I drew a small cartoon of myself and Phii Fah standing together under the rain, colored with markers used for writing.    My letters are no longer stained with tears; instead, they are adorned with drawings.

   Even if they’re not beautifully drawn, they’re better than tear stains, right?

   I hoped to miss Fan every night, but it’s not possible. It’s a longing I can’t control, reminding me that Fan isn’t real, that she can’t be with me, and I can’t go to her.

   All I can do is pray…to meet her.

   It has become my bedtime prayer.

   I got up to turn off the lights in the room, leaving only the dim bedside lamp on. My fear of the dark hasn’t gotten better, but it’s not that bad. I’m used to it. I walked back to my bed and lay down.

   Today was another good day. Thank you…

   I hope tomorrow I can smile like I did today…Typhoon.

   “Phoon.”

“…”

“Phoon.”

“Ah…yes?”

“Lost in thought?”

“Oh. Just thinking about something pleasant, just a little.”    “Hmm, anything wrong?” The person sitting across from me raised an eyebrow, looking surprised, “It’s strange that you are treating me to a meal.”

“My dad transferred money to me today, so I wanted to treat you as thanks for the tutoring,” I said, forcing a smile.    “Oh, he transferred it at the end of the month, huh?”    “Yes,” I answered, nodding slightly before looking down to continue eating.

It’s the end of the month…

   What they say about time flying when you’re happy is true. I hardly realize how little time I have left because every day is just another ordinary, yet happy day for me.

   It’s about to end.

   Just…a few more hours.

   I talked to my dad. I talked, begged, pleaded in every way, but I couldn’t even delay the time. I couldn’t help but cry every time I called and tried to talk to him, and we ended up arguing. I didn’t want to argue; I didn’t want us to have to fight.

   There was a time when I thought I didn’t have to listen to him since he no longer cared about me, but then my eyes caught sight of the photo on the table.

   Our family photo…

   Fan is gone.

   Mom left me.

   I only have my dad…I can’t be without a father.

   No matter what…I still love and respect…

   As I’ve always thought, it might not have been the perfect family from the start, but it’s my family, the only one I have.

   I thought Phii Fah would be angry and not understand, but I…I’ve already done something I never wanted to do.    “I thought you would still be mad at me.”

“Uh, not at all. I’m not mad anymore.”

“Okay, that’s good, I won’t do it again.”

I distanced myself and put up walls. I pretended not to like many things Phii Fah did, like stroking my hair, holding my hand, or even something as silly as…

   I told Phii Fah that I didn’t like cocoa, to stop ordering it for me.

   At that time, Phii Fah…must have felt really bad.

   If I suddenly disappeared, Phii Fah would definitely be suspicious. Since Dad didn’t want Phii Fah to know, I had to make Phii Fah not suspicious by making our relationship worse, so lately, we’ve been uncomfortable around each other.

   Dad…told me to do this.

   So if one day I disappear…it won’t be so surprising.

   But believe me…I didn’t want to do this at all.

   I’m sorry…

   I didn’t dislike you stroking my head. I liked when you held my hand, liked the cocoa you ordered. I wasn’t angry when you were busy and missed an appointment. I wasn’t annoyed by the noise during our calls. I didn’t hate your scent. I liked how you made sure I ate. I liked how you wished goodnight every night. I liked how you cared. I loved every moment we spent together.

   I love you…

   “And do you want to go anywhere else?”

“…Oh.”

“…”

“Just a moment, let me take this call.”

“Oh…yes,” Phii Fah smiled and nodded slowly. I quickly got up from the table and answered the call.

“Yes, Uncle.”

(It’s the last day, how’s it going?)

   “…Bad,…yes.”

(Hmm, I understand. Rati…ah, what can I say. He won’t listen, as usual.)

   “Yes…that’s how Dad is.”

Because lately, as I’ve started to distance myself from Phii Fah, I’ve had to keep my emotions in check all the time. Many times, I’ve hurt Phii Fah’s feelings, making me feel an indescribable disgust towards myself. I’ve had to call Uncle constantly, and he’s tried to tell me that this is the best way for us.

(And how’s it going? Does Tonfah suspect anything?)

   “…Probably not…yes.”

(Good, it’s best if Tonfah understands that you don’t want to be around him anymore, so he won’t pursue further.)

   “…Uncle…”

(What?)

   “I don’t want…it to be like this.”

(It’s too late for that, Phoon, it’s already come this far.)

   “…Yes.”

(This is the best way, believe me. Last time, Tonfah called Rati too.)

   “Oh…really?”

(He asked if you were acting strange, if something was wrong.)

   “And what did Dad say?”

(He said…because you don’t like many things, you must be unhappy.)

   “…Oh.”

(So Rati said he feels a bit relieved because the two of you will soon be apart.)

   “…Yes.”

(Is the situation okay?)

   “It’s okay.”

(Good, then I’ll hang up.)

   “Yes.”

Then the person on the other end hung up. I let out a heavy sigh. The fact that I had to distance myself from Phii Fah was what Dad wanted; he didn’t want Phii Fah’s family to know I was his illegitimate child. I understood that it would look bad if everyone found out.

   I understand…

   I have to understand…

   I tried to hold back the tears that were about to fall again, my heart beating erratically, my hands starting to go numb. I spent about five minutes standing outside the shop before I could control myself, then walked back inside.

   “Phii Fah.”

“Yes?”

“Um…could you help me with chemistry tonight?”

“Oh, but I am not sure if I can make you understand,” Phii Fah seemed to force a smile, because I had once said I didn’t understand his teaching style, even though I really did understand, very well, but saying it had hurt Phii Fah’s feelings.    He put so much effort into teaching…

I clenched my lips tightly…accidentally digging my nails into my palm until it hurt.

“Yes. It’s okay.”

“Okay, shall we go back then?” Phii Fah started to get up. I quickly spoke before he could.

“…Can I go back with you?”

“But didn’t you say you didn’t like how Phii Fah drives?”

“…It’s okay, please, let’s go back together.”

“Sure.”

Before I paid for the food, we left the shop. As I walked behind Phii Fah, I reflected on what I had done.

   I hate myself.

   I hate this version of me who keeps hurting Phii Fah like this.    I said I would come to see Phii Fah…came all this way because I wanted to see him, wanted to be with him, but it turned out I was the one making everything worse. If I weren’t here…Phii Fah wouldn’t have to deal with this.

   Even if they’re just an acquaintance…if they do something like this, anyone would be upset.

   I’ve become the person who ruins everything…

   Everything is just wrong.

   You never do anything right, Typhoon, you’re just someone who hurts others, making everything worse. No one can be happy with you around.

   Why does it have to be like this all the time?

   Why are you still here, Typhoon?

   “Phoon.”

“…”

“Phoon.”

“…Yes?”

“You look pale, are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” I replied softly, but that was far from the truth.    Headache…such a headache, my migraine is back again. Lately, my migraines have been frequent. I went to the clinic and got some medication, but it doesn’t seem to help much.

   When I’m angry and frustrated because I can’t do anything, I blame myself even more. I look in the mirror and hate the reflection staring back. The harsh words I use to scold myself are because I hate myself for who I am.

   Damn it.

   I used to tell myself I could be happy amidst the rain.

   I can’t…

   Right now, I really can’t.

   I leaned my head against the car window, feeling utterly drained, the sharp pain rising continuously, like someone was squeezing my head. I couldn’t help but close my eyes. I didn’t bring my medication with me, but I couldn’t let Phii Fah know about the migraine.    Until I fell asleep like that…as if my body couldn’t take it anymore.    I drowsily woke up to find myself lying on Phii Fah’s bed…slowly propping myself up, I saw Phii Fah sitting at the desk with his back to me.

   When he heard me move, Phii Fah turned around immediately.

   “Up already? How do you feel?”

“I…fell asleep?”

“Yes, it seemed like you weren’t feeling well, you have a fever too.”

“Oh…that’s bad,” I said quietly to myself. Stressed out to the point of getting a fever…it doesn’t happen often, but at least the headache has subsided a bit.

“Want to get up and eat something, then take some medicine?”

“Yes.”

“I took the liberty to bring you here because your dorm needs a key and I didn’t want to go through your things.”

“Oh, okay. No problem,” I said, “Thank you,” but my thanks came out in a softer voice. I didn’t know why.

I followed Phii Fah out of the room, glancing at the desk, guessing he was studying, specifically on the chemistry chapter he was going to tutor me on.

   Phii Fah also had to prepare to tutor me, but I, in turn…

   Oh…damn, my headache is coming back.

   I went out to eat the congee Phii Fah had prepared and took the medicine. Initially, Phii Fah said he would wait to see if I was up for studying, but it turned out I probably wasn’t, so he suggested canceling the tutoring session for the day.

   “It’s okay, let’s study.”

“It’s better to rest, don’t force it.”

“No, let’s study.”

“Phoon…” Phii Fah furrowed his brows at me, not understanding. Indeed…Phii Fah wouldn’t know that there wouldn’t be moments like this again.

“Please, I want to study.”

“Sigh, alright then,” the other person let out a small sigh. After I finished eating and taking my medicine, Phii Fah placed books on the table in front of the sofa, and then he tutored me in chemistry as he always does. I listened intently as usual, but what I did more than normally was try to remember the voice and scent of the person beside me.

Remember it for as long as possible…

“Is this explanation okay?”

“Oh…yes, it’s okay.”

“Okay, then let’s continue.”

I nodded. We spent nearly two hours on the sofa tutoring. When Phii Fah said that was enough for today, we usually study about this much.

Then Phii Fah told me to go to bed so I could get better quickly.

   It’s already 9 PM, huh…

   Time flies so fast.

   Tomorrow, when the new morning comes…everything will change.

   “Should I take you back to your room?”

“It’s fine, can I sleep here?”

“Of course, do you want to sleep on the bed?”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll sleep on the sofa.”

“Okay, then goodnight.”

“goodnight.”

I said “goodnight”…before glancing at Phii Fah as he walked into his bedroom. I was left alone on the sofa, and silence settled in.    I leaned back against the sofa, exhausted, taking out my phone to take some presumptuous photos of the room, the corner of the sofa where we used to hang out together. Watching TV, sipping coffee, and chatting, the hanging chair by the window which was always my favorite spot when visiting Phii Fah’s room, the kitchen corner where we once cooked together, the book corner which I guessed must be Phii Fah’s favorite, filled with academic books, knowledge books, all of which had been read many times.

   The sky visible from the balcony, the view where you see the sky with the hyacinth plant we bought together, the hyacinth I chose, still well cared for.

   I won’t be coming to this room again. Won’t see him sitting here, at that desk where Phii Fah usually studies. I often snuck glances, you know. When he’s focused on something, it’s really charming.    I walked over to sit on the hanging chair, staring out the window, only to find there wasn’t a single star in the sky tonight, just an empty expanse.

   Sky…are you lonely?

   Even on some nights without stars, don’t be sad. The stars haven’t gone anywhere; they’re always beside you, even if you can’t see them, stars who want to shine by your side.

   But I’m just an unlucky star without light, waiting only for reflected light, still waiting, and will always wait…to be by your side, even if you can’t see me.

   Not the beautiful moon. Not the warm sun, just a small, unlucky star, waiting for the day it fades away into mere dust.    But no matter where in the universe, no matter how much time passes, no matter what happens from now on,    If you look back…

   You’ll find…I haven’t gone anywhere.

   I wiped away the tears that had quietly fallen, noticing it was nearly midnight. I lost track of time because I was so lost in thought.

   I won’t be able to sleep.

   I don’t even know if I’ll be able to sleep again from now on.

   Will I return to a cruel nightmare?

   But I hope it remains a kind dream…that’s enough.    Something compelled me to walk to Phii Fah’s bedroom door, slowly opening it to find the room engulfed in darkness. Phii Fah must be asleep.

   I closed the door gently, stepping into the room where only the sound of the air conditioner was heard. The room was cool, and the person on the bed was fast asleep. I carefully moved closer, trying not to make any noise.

   It took a while until my eyes adjusted to the darkness. I’m afraid of the dark. Even now, my hands were slightly trembling, but knowing Phii Fah was here made me feel less scared.

   I sat down on the floor beside the bed, watching the other person who was sound asleep, breathing steadily. I don’t often see Phii Fah sleeping, and this is the first time I’ve looked so closely.

   As if I was spellbound by the sight in front of me. I didn’t want to look away…

   This is the first time I’ve watched over Phii Fah while he sleeps…

   Let me keep this image…

   Even though my body was signaling that it couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to rest, but I didn’t want to sleep right now. I wanted to sit like this forever; it might not be the best thing to do, but believe me…if there won’t be another chance to look at him like this. Anyone would want to stay like this for as long as possible.

   I put my arm on the bed, rested my chin on it, and gazed at the person in front of me, gently brushing aside the hair that covered his face, adjusting the blanket because I was afraid he might get cold. I caught a faint scent from the bed’s owner, a scent that made me feel most at ease, yet I had said I didn’t like it.

   I’m sorry…

   I let time pass without caring how long it was. I do this often…sitting lost in thought until morning, because I often can’t sleep, lost in thoughts about all the things that have happened between us, from childhood, from when we were apart, from when we met again, and now, when we must part again.

   I don’t know what will happen next, how sad Phii Fah will be, but I myself am about to fall apart. I don’t know when I’ll have the chance to come back, a year, two years, or maybe ten years, or perhaps there will be no chance. I have no idea…

   Whether you’re awake, when you go to bed, what you’ll eat, if you’re okay, how your sky is that day. I will never know again.

   But believe me…I will eat on time, eat a lot, just like you always told me. We will try to be happy amidst the rain, be stronger because you won’t be here anymore.

   And if one day I become strong enough…I want to come back to you.

   Because every moment spent with you…was so happy.

   I don’t want to leave…I never wanted to leave you.

   Before I knew it, the morning light had arrived. I let the tears flow, slowly reaching out to gently take the hand of the person in front of me, softly pressing my lips to the back of his hand, with all the feelings that were overflowing inside me.

   I love you.

   I love you…

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 8: Promise

   “You woke up early,” I turned to the voice, Phii Fah had just woken up and walked out of the bedroom, looking slightly surprised to see me up before him. He was now standing by the kitchen counter, making coffee.

“Good morning,” I smiled, “Would you like some coffee? I will take the liberty to use the coffee machine,” I said, pointing at the coffee machine I had just turned on. I don’t make coffee often because I don’t need to drink it, but I thought it might be nice to try making coffee on such a morning.

“Good morning,” Phii Fah smiled back, then sat down on the sofa,

“Make one for me too, please.”

“Okay,” I nodded in agreement and turned to make another cup of coffee. Glancing at the clock, I saw it was around half past six. Even though it was a holiday, Phii Fah woke up very early, “Do you usually wake up this early?”

“Yes, I woke up early today too.”

“Just a little bit.”

Actually, I hadn’t gone back to sleep at all. I couldn’t sleep after waking up in the middle of the night. There was no way I could sleep after a dream like that. I spent almost the entire night until morning looking up how I could dream like that again.

“You seem to be in a good mood.”

“…Really?” I furrowed my brows slightly at his comment even though my back was turned to him. Did I really seem that much happier, or was it because Phii Fah was too good at reading people?

“Maybe because I had a good night’s sleep.”

“Hmm…that’s good then.”

I carried the freshly brewed coffee over to the table in front of the sofa, placed it down, then sat on the smaller sofa, taking a sip of my own coffee.

“What was the dream about? Can you tell me?” Phii Fah asked again, lifting the cup of coffee I had just set down, “You make good coffee, by the way.”

“Thank you,” I smiled in response. I must have been in a good mood like Phii Fah said; today felt brighter than any day in the past few years, “As for how I miss Fan…I can’t really explain it.”

“That’s too bad, I was curious.”

“I can only say that the dream was good,” I said, looking at the person sitting next to me before quickly averting my gaze when he turned to look, catching me sneaking a glance. It seemed like he was smiling a little.

Today, Phii Fah seems to be in a good mood too.

   I don’t know, he just looks a bit different from usual.

   “Have you looked up information about the dorms yet?”    “Oh…I found it,” I said, pulling out my phone to show him. I had screenshotted information on several dorms I was interested in, “Here,” handing it over for him to see. Phii Fah took it and began to scroll through.

“How about we go check them out today?”

“Don’t you have to go to your friend’s birthday party?”

“That’s in the evening.”

“…Okay, then I’ll trouble you a bit,” I said, and Phii Fah nodded slightly. After finishing his coffee, he placed the cup in the sink and excused himself to take a shower. I waited on the sofa.

From what I’ve learned about dreams, I think we dream about what we think about a lot. Like how I blame myself for Fan getting hit by a car, obsessing over it, which makes me dream about it often, including issues with my parents. But if we’re at peace and not overthinking, we tend not to have bad dreams.

   So, if I want to dream about Fan again, I need to make myself feel at ease and not overthink, which I’ve been trying to do all this time but haven’t succeeded. I think feeling at ease comes from being with Phii Fah.

   Yes…since I’ve been staying with Phii Fah, I’ve barely had any bad dreams. If I do have bad dreams, it’s probably when I’m scared that Phii Fah will learn the truth. But now that things have turned out this way, whether Phii Fah learns the truth or not, I’ll lose him anyway because I have no other choice left.

   I took out my phone when I heard it ringing, seeing that Uncle Kong was calling. What could it be? Why call so early in the morning?

   “Yes?”

(Sorry for calling so early, I was worried.)

   “What…what’s wrong?”

(I heard you had a fight with Rati?)

   “Uh…yes, yesterday I…got a bit angry.”

(That’s okay, are you alright?)

   “Yes, I’m okay now, how is Dad?”

(He’s angry, but I’ve scolded him quite a bit too.)

   “What did you scold him about?”

(The same old thing, that he should pay more attention to you, after all, you are his son.)

   “…It’s okay, Uncle. Anyway…nothing will get better.”    (Sigh, it’s good that you are okay. Oh, I’ve transferred the money.)

   “Yes, thank you.”

(The money for this month will be a bit less, Rati said he has a lot of expenses.)    “Okay.”

(That’s all then.)

   “Okay.”

Then the other party hung up. When Uncle said Dad had many expenses, it must have been about Dad’s daughter. Little kids are so expensive. I’m fine, it’ll help save some money for Dad too, older siblings have to make sacrifices for the younger ones, right?    Even if we’ve never met, she’s still my little sister. Just seeing her picture makes me feel a fondness I can’t describe.

   After a while, Phii Fah came out of the bathroom. We went outside, stopped for a meal, and headed to look at the dorms I had researched.

   “Would you like to use a motorcycle?” Phii Fah asked.

“Uh…no.”

“Hmm, then getting around will be a bit difficult.”

“Yes, it’s just that I…don’t really know how to ride a motorcycle.”    “…Really?” Phii Fah turned to me, almost not believing what I said, which made me look at him with a wry face.

“Yes. It’s not that I can’t at all, but I’m not very good at it. Fan wouldn’t let me ride either, saying it’s dangerous, not to mention I tend to get lost,” I said, thinking back to how Fan was so worried she wouldn’t even let me drive, not just because of the risk of accidents but also because she said there was a risk of getting lost and not being able to get home.

“How about I teach you to drive?”

“Drive?”

“Yes. Even if you don’t use a motorcycle, at least you should know how to ride one.”

“That’s true,” I nodded in agreement.

“And about getting lost, you think we need to solve this problem.”    “…” I was slightly surprised to notice that the other person’s voice had turned more serious.

“Even if it’s been like this since childhood, I think it can be fixed, right? If it’s like this, daily life will be difficult. If you get lost, I probably won’t be able to find you like before.”

“Uh…yes,” I gave a dry smile to the other person, feeling an indescribable emptiness inside.

Phii Fah drove me to look at the dorms I had found, and after checking out three places, we found one that I liked. Although the room wasn’t very spacious, it was big enough for one person, and everything else was good. I decided to move into this dorm.    “Can I move in today?” Phii Fah turned to ask the landlady who was showing us the room.

“Yes, just pay the deposit first, and you can move in.”    “Is it okay then?” Phii Fah turned to ask me again. I nodded in response, “Yes, can we sign the rental agreement now?”

“Yes, let’s go down to the office downstairs.”

After I signed the rental agreement, the landlady said I needed to pay the deposit first, but then I realized my father hadn’t transferred this amount to me yet. The money he had just transferred wouldn’t cover the new deposit.

“Six thousand.”

“Uh…” I was stunned for a moment. What should I do? Should I tell the landlady I’ll pay another day?

“Here.”

I turned to look in surprise at the person who had just handed over six thousand baht in cash to the landlady. Why would Phii Fah pay the deposit for me?

   “Uncle asked me to give it to you.”

“…Really?”

“Yes,” Phii Fah said with a slight smile, which made me not dare to ask further. It was strange, why would my father give the money to Phii Fah? Actually, it was strange that my father allowed me to move dorms in the first place; he had said there were a lot of expenses right now, having already paid a hefty deposit for the old dorm without getting it back, and now there’s another deposit for the new one.    Or maybe…

I unwittingly furrowed my brows, looking at the person sitting beside me with a troubled expression.

Phii Fah…

“Is there something wrong?” Phii Fah raised his eyebrows to ask. I shook my head gently because I didn’t dare to say anything.

Why…

If Dad didn’t initially agree to move dorms, but Phii Fah was the one who told me to move, why did he do that? Was it because he was worried? And now, he has to pay another six thousand baht for the new dorm.

Is this…too kind? No, it’s really too kind.

But maybe it’s not like that. I should probably ask my dad first.    “We still have plenty of time, shall we move your stuff today?”    “Today?” I raised my eyebrows in surprise.

“Yes.”

“…Okay.”

Then Phii Fah called a moving company to help transfer my things from the old dorm to the new one. It only took one trip because I didn’t have much stuff; actually, I had a lot but had thrown most of it away. Within an hour or so, everything was moved here.    “No…you don’t have to help, let me organize things myself,” I

quickly said to stop Phii Fah when I saw him taking things out of the cardboard boxes.

“It’s okay, there’s not much, it’ll be done soon.”

“But don’t you have to go to your friend’s birthday party soon?”

“It’s okay to be a little late.”

“Oh…thank you.”

“You have a lot of cameras,” Phii Fah remarked when he saw my collection of cameras. Indeed, I had collected them over many years,

“You should probably get a special cabinet for them.”

“I’ve thought about it, but I never got around to buying one.”

“How about we go buy one later?”

“…Okay,” I agreed, feeling overwhelmed by his kindness; he was going to take me everywhere. Since I was organizing with my back turned, I didn’t know what Phii Fah was doing.

“I still think the same, you know.”

“Yes, what is it?”

“I think you would be better suited to study photography.”

“Uh…”

“I’m not trying to interfere with your decisions. I just think that’s all,” I turned to look at Phii Fah who was arranging camera equipment for me.

“You’re not interfering,” I said softly.

Phii Fah was right. I wanted to study photography more, but it’s fine, I can learn on my own. For now, there are other priorities.

   “Phii Fah.”

“Yes?”

“I want to…take the entrance exam for medicine.”

“…Really?”

“Yes, can you help tutor me?”

“Sure, I can.”

“Then, please help me.”

“Okay,” Phii Fah nodded slightly. Tutoring wasn’t anything unusual; he must have tutored many others before. But for me, it would be great. Besides getting help from Phii Fah, I’d also get to talk to him more often, especially after moving to the new dorm, I wouldn’t be staying over at Phii Fah’s place anymore.

“Then, Phii Fah will leave now.”

“Yes, drive safely.”

“See you.”

“Yes, see you.”

I watched Phii Fah leave my new room. In truth, I wanted to ask him to send a message when he got there, not to come back late, not to drink too much, but I couldn’t. I walked back into the room to continue arranging my things.

   This room isn’t bad at all. It looks better than the old one; I hadn’t even gotten used to the old room before I had to move again.

   Oh…right, I should call Dad.

   I hesitated for a long time before I could bring myself to make the call, hoping I wouldn’t be bothering him.

   “Are you free?”

(Free, what do you want?)

   “I want to apologize for yelling.”

(Hmm. It’s okay.)

   “And about moving dorms…”

(…)

   “Did you send money to Phii Fah?”

(Hmm, yes. I sent it myself, afraid if I gave it to you, you might lose it.)

   “Oh…thank you.”

(Is there anything else?)

   “No, that’s all.”

(Hmm.)

   Then Dad hung up. This was our normal conversation, with no questions like “Have you eaten?” or “How was your day?”, just business matters. Dad always talks to me coldly like this and quickly hangs up.

   So…he really is my dad, huh?

   Damn, how could I be so biased towards myself? But anyway, I’m glad that Dad agreed to let me move dorms, and agreed to pay even though there are money problems right now.

   I don’t know how…but I’m happy. Thank you for still caring about me a bit.    “Yes, Uncle.”

(Tonfah, I’ve already told Phoon.)

   “Oh, did Phoon really ask?”

(Yes, why did you have to do it this way?)

   “It’s better that Phoon doesn’t know it was me.”

(I told him not to make you move dorms, but if Tonfah wants you to move that badly, you can tell me.)

   “It’s okay.”

(If he gets too clingy and bothers you, just let me know.)

   “No, it’s fine.”

(Hmm, then I’ll hang up.)

   “…”

   -dust-: Please let me know when you arrive.

Because of concern, I decided to send a message to ask. After Phii Fah had left for about fifteen minutes, it took almost half an hour before my message showed as read.

Tf: Arrived.

   Tf: Anything wrong?

   -dust-: Took you long enough.

   -dust-: Is the shop far?

   Tf: No, but there was traffic.

   Tf: Why?

   Tf: Something wrong?

   -dust-: Oh, no, nothing.

   -dust-: Just asking.

   That’s it.

Phii Fah’s response left me at a loss for words, as if my wanting to chat seemed strange, so he asked “Anything wrong?” twice. I didn’t have anything specific; I just wanted to talk, was worried, and wanted to know if he had arrived.

Tf: Is everything okay at the dorm?

   -dust-: Okay, why?

   Tf: No, just thought something might have happened, that’s why Phoon messaged Phii Fah.

   Tf: Phii Fah must be worrying too much.

   Tf: Sends sticker

   I secretly smiled at the sticker that looked relieved.

Cute.

Very cute.

-dust-: Sends sticker

   Tf: That sticker is cute, lol.

   Tf: I’ll go see my friend soon.

   -dust-: Have fun.

   Tf: sends a sticker

   I smiled broadly looking at my phone screen again. This is all I needed. I glanced around the room where some things were still not fully organized, then hurried to continue arranging them. I didn’t forget to neatly arrange my desk area, putting up Fan’s picture like before. Once everything was sorted, I went out to the balcony.    Now I can look at the sky from a new angle, and speaking of which, the sky today is quite bright. Although I don’t often notice it because I’ve been spending the whole day with Phii Fah.

I sat back on the bed because I had nothing to do, and being tired from moving today, I drifted off to sleep without realizing it.    I looked at the scene in front of me, my heart beating irregularly, both legs feeling stiff, almost unable to move.

Fan…

Just like last time, she was at the marble bench in front of the house. I looked down to see I was wearing the same clothes as before, Torfan sitting across from me. On the table, there were small stones laid out for playing a game of checkers.

“…”

I pressed my lips together, feeling a tightness in my chest, looking at the sweet smile of the person sitting there, her eyes full of brightness, reminding me of all the longing I had, and this time I also felt that the loneliness, the pain, and the longing were being filled.

“Come sit down.”

   “…”

   I slowly walked closer, sitting down opposite her like before, but this time, I didn’t feel like crying in front of Fan anymore. I wanted to smile at her, to talk, to let her know how happy I was to meet her.

   “Want to play?”

   “Hmm.”

   “Phoon, you go first.”

   “Let’s do rock-paper-scissors.”

   “Phoon, you should go first, I will let you.”

   “If you lose, don’t be a sore loser.”

   “I won’t be a sore loser, make your move,” Fan’s words prompted me to reach out and move the stone piece, just like when we were kids, we often played together because there was a two-colored grid in the middle of the marble table. We used it as a chessboard, with differently shaped stones or sometimes leaves as pieces.

   There was no conversation between us. I was surprised at myself for not wanting to say anything right now. We moved our pieces in silence. I looked up to see Torfan smiling continuously, her light brown eyes not as sad as they were the last time we met.

   “This strategy won’t work anymore.”

   “But I always get stuck with it.”

   “I told you I’d let you win.”

“Let me win or are you just not good enough?” I said, smiling slightly at her.

   “Such a smart mouth,” Fan laughed softly at my words before moving her piece again. I quickly moved my piece to capture hers.

   And then I won…

   “Want to play another game?” I asked.

   “No, it would just end the same,” Fan shook her head gently, giving me a small smile. “How has your day been? We haven’t written to each other today, have we?”

   “Hmm…I’ll write soon, I have to write anyway,” I reached out to hold the small hand that was extended towards me. We held hands tightly. I lowered my head, allowing her small hand to gently stroke my hair back and forth. “I’m glad they reached you.”

   “Some letters were unreadable, all smudged.”

   “Some days were just rough,” I said, thinking of the letters I wrote through tears, making them all blotchy.

   “But we’ve made it through.”

   “Yes, we’ve made it through.”

   “Thank you for making it through.”

   “…Hmm.”

   I looked up, tears welling up around my eyes, watching Torfan look at me with sorrowful eyes, her warm hand trying to wipe away my tears.

   “But from now on, I don’t know how I’ll get through it,” I said.

“But you have to get through it.”

   “I don’t know if I can,” I tried to control myself not to cry in front of

Fan again, pressing my lips together to hold back my emotions, “If

Phoon…doesn’t want to endure anymore, can I?”

   “…”

   “Just let everything end. No need to endure. No need to try anymore.”

   “…”

   “Then I can be with Fan.”

   “Live for me.”

   “Hic…”

   “Phoon, do you know that since I found out I had a little brother, you’ve been the person I love the most?” Her sweet voice spoke softly, her warm hand gently wiping away my tears again, caressing my face tenderly. I held onto that hand, “Can you do it for the person I love the most?”

   “…hic, hmm.”

   “Since we were kids, I have tried to take care of you the best I could, so…don’t hurt the person I love. Take good care of yourself, eat a lot, like when I served you rice.”

   “Huhu, hmm.”

   “Eat only delicious things, like what I used to find for you to eat, take yourself to good places like when I took you on trips, tell yourself you’re loved often, like how I told you I loved you.”

“Hic, huhu, Fan…”

   “One day it will definitely get better. Until then, I will be watching over you, Phoon,” tears streamed down her pale cheeks, her sweet face stained with tears but still smiling as she always did, “Phoon isn’t just a piece that no one sees, Phoon is Fan’s Typhoon, you’re Torfan’s little brother, do you know how happy Fan was that our parents gave us similar names?”    “Huh, hmm, huhu…”

   “Don’t cry.”

   “But Fan…sniff, you shouldn’t cry either.”

   “You cried first, you big baby.”

   “I’m not a baby,” I said before quickly wiping my tears again, “See?

Not crying anymore.”

   “Very good.”

   “…Fan.”

   “Hmm?”

   “I don’t have much time left to be with Phii Fah,” I said with concern, furrowing my brows in stress, “If we have to part…what should Phoon do?”

   “…It’s hard, isn’t it?”

   “Yes, it’s hard to leave someone you want to be with the most.”

   “If you pull away, Fah will definitely be angry.”

   “…Yeah, that’s right.”

This made me remember that what Phii Fah hates most is being ignored, no matter how much you yell or use harsh words. I think nothing makes Phii Fah angrier than being ignored. When we were kids, Fan and I once pretended to ignore Phii Fah for a prank. Not even an hour passed before Phii Fah got really mad and didn’t talk to us for a whole day.

   And Phii Fah also hates things without reason; if I suddenly distance myself from Phii Fah without explanation, I can’t imagine how mad he would be.

   But how…could I tell him?

   How could I bear to make you angry at me…

   “Fah will understand…trust me.”

   “…”

   “But it will take time.”

   “How long will it take?”

   “I don’t know.” Those comforting words helped me feel a little better. At least, I hope Phii Fah will understand, and one day, maybe even Dad will understand me, “Dad, he…”

   “Is dad cruel to you, Phoon?”

   “…”

   “Hmm…does he not love you at all?”

   “I love dad, even though it’s like that,” I held Fan’s hand with both of mine, bowing my head to touch my forehead to her hand, “even though…it’s like that.”

“It’s okay.”

   “…”

   “This place isn’t ours yet, there must be somewhere out there that is…somewhere in this world.”

   “…”

   “And one day, I will definitely find it.”

   “Really?”

   “Really, have I ever lied?”

   “…Never.”

   “Right…so believe me.”

   “…Hmm, thank you.”

   I woke up in the middle of the night. It wasn’t a sudden wake from a nightmare; it was the best kind of dream. Maybe because it wasn’t my usual bedtime, I woke up. I had fallen asleep without even turning off the light, huh? I looked at the clock to see it was past eight in the evening.

The dream I had just now made me feel indescribably better. As I’ve said before, I’m not sure if that was really Fan or just something I imagined, but it was good…really good. All of that was what I’ve always needed, the comfort, the person I missed.

Can I have dreams like this every night, please…I want to keep having dreams like this forever.

I went down to the convenience store under the dorm to grab something to eat, took a shower, and then thought about reading, feeling refreshed despite the late hour. And I didn’t forget to write a letter to Fan first.

Come to think of it, it’s past eight; has Phii Fah come back yet? I checked the chat to see it was empty; the last messages we exchanged were from earlier in the evening.

Maybe I should message him; there’s a part I don’t quite understand, even though I’ve asked for clarification before.

-dust-: Phii Fah, are you back yet?

   -dust-: After nearly fifteen minutes, the message finally showed as read.

   Tf: Not yet.

   Tf: But it should be soon.

   Tf: Anything wrong?

   Oh…asking what’s wrong again.

Whatever…it’s only natural to ask.

-dust-: I was reading and there’s a part I don’t really understand.

   Tf: Oh, what subject?

   -dust-: Math.

   Tf: Don’t understand the content or the problem?

   -dust-: Confused by the problem.

   -dust-: Can’t solve it.

   Tf: Can you send a photo?

-dust-: Sends photo

   Tf: Just a moment.

   It took less than five minutes for Phii Fah to reply.

   Tf: Sends photo

   Tf: Here’s an easy method. If there’s anything you don’t understand, feel free to ask.

   It was a picture of how to solve the problem I couldn’t do, written on a napkin. I guessed it was because he was at a restaurant and didn’t have paper, plus the method Phii Fah used was pretty concise and easy to understand, with a shortcut.

-dust-: Thank you.

   -dust-: Sorry to bother you.

   Tf: It’s okay.

   Tf: If you have anything else, you can ask me.

   -dust-: How was the birthday party?

   Tf: Nothing much, really.

   Tf: Just like a regular drinking session.

   -dust-: Did the birthday person like the gift?

   Tf: He said it was okay.

   -dust-: That’s good then.

   -dust-: I don’t know if it will suit him, though.

   The message showed as read, but Phii Fah didn’t reply for almost five minutes before sending back a photo.

Tf: sends a photo Tf: It suits him.

   It was a picture of a guy wearing the jacket I had chosen, turning to give a mocking smile at the camera. It looked very fitting on him; in fact, this guy could probably wear anything and look good. Plus, he looked dangerously handsome, in a way I couldn’t quite describe.

-dust-: It really does suit him.

   Tf: Then, I will go now.

   -dust-: Okay.

   -dust-: If you are back, can I ask more?

   Tf: Sure.

   I waited nearly half an hour before Phii Fah sent a message saying he was back. I didn’t know if this was normal for people who tutored each other, but Phii Fah called me, saying he would tutor me. My heart skipped a beat when I saw that Phii Fah was calling.

“Yes…?”

(Yes, do you have anything else to ask?)

   “Math, trigonometry.”

(Are you going to take the exam again?)

   “Yes.”

(Then it’s going to be tough because trigonometry is very difficult, and there’s a lot of it too. How about Phii Fah teaches you everything from scratch?)

   “Oh…that would be good, I don’t understand it well either.”

(How was it when you studied math at school?)

“Hmm…well, I didn’t understand it much.”

(You didn’t understand it from back then, right?)

   “Yes.”

(So let’s start tutoring from the beginning, what time is Phoon free?)

   “Actually, I’m free almost all the time.”

(Then let’s study together until close to the exam, so I can help you review.)

   “…Oh, that’s great, thank you.”

(Tutoring every day, don’t get discouraged.)

   “I won’t get discouraged.”

(And don’t suddenly say you don’t want to study like this, okay?)

   “I won’t.”

(Then let’s make a promise that you’ll stick with me until the exam.)

   “…”

(Phoon, are you still there?)

   “Oh…yes.”

(Do you promise?)

   “Yes…I promise.”

Promise…to stay by your side. Even if it’s not until that time comes.

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 7: Dreamed

   To, Torfan

   Sorry I didn’t write a letter yesterday, I stayed overnight with Phii

Fah again because the power went out in my dorm. Phii Fah said that my dorm isn’t very good, so he’ll find a better one for me, which is very kind of him.

   During the day, Uncle Kong came to see me. He told me about my father, Fan…Fan, do you know how cruel my father has been to me? I apologize, I shouldn’t say such things about my father, but I…I don’t know, saying I’m disappointed might not be right, because I had no expectations, and it’s not exactly about feeling hurt, because my feelings are already broken. It’s a feeling like, deep down, I know. Even though I never thought about it before, when my father does this, it doesn’t really surprise me.

   My father wants to move me to study somewhere else because he doesn’t want me to be close to Phii Fah…So, I asked Uncle Kong to talk to my father, just asking for one more month, and after that, I won’t bother Phii Fah anymore. Even though I’ve always wanted to see him, we only get to meet for a short time before parting again. Just the thought makes my heart sink, but maybe it’s not that bad…perhaps. At least, I’ll get to see Phii Fah sometimes.    I have felt like a liar these past few days…It’s terrible. At first, I was thinking about telling the truth to Phii Fah, but after my father called and said that…forget about telling the truth, the time we can spend together keeps getting shorter.

   In this one month, I want every minute to be valuable; I’ll spend as much time as I can with Phii Fah. Even if Phii Fah might find it annoying…what can we do, there’s only one month left. After that, Phii Fah will truly become an unreachable sky.

   Watch Phii Fah be happy. Who knows, maybe if Phii Fah doesn’t have to look after me, he might feel more at ease, it must be tough for him to always be with me. Maybe leaving…could be better for Phii Fah.

   Wish me luck, Fan.

   With love and always missing you,

   Typhoon

   I really wanted to write more to tell Fan, but given my current state, I decided to close the letter and put it away in the drawer, quickly wiping away tears. Just now, the paper was covered in tear stains.    I glanced at Fan’s picture again, her smile always heals me. Whether it’s a bad or good day, that day becomes better with your smile, and I can get through it.

I will get through this.

Like every time before…

I was startled by the sound of the phone ringing; I had just hung up with Phii Fah when I saw it was Uncle Kong calling. That name made me feel uneasy; please let it be good news.

“Yes,” I said into the phone.

(Phoon, I called and talked to Rati about your request.)

   “…What did Dad say?”

(He said no.)

   “…”

I clenched my lips tight, feeling my heart sink.

(I tried to talk him into it. I’ll talk to him again when I get back.)

   “…Thank you, Uncle.”

(Hmm, don’t stress too much.)

   “Yes.”

I hung up the phone, and then tears I didn’t know where they came from started to flow down slowly. Damn it…my head hurts so much. After crying a lot, my head always aches like this. I raised my hand to massage my eyebrows and temples for a while, hoping it would ease the headache.

Then I decided to call my father.

I waited until he answered.

(What do you want?)

   “It’s about school. I want to study here.”

(Do you think you decide where you study?)

   “…”

(Do you know how much it costs to send you to school? I have the right to choose where you study since I’m the one paying.)    “If I have to study somewhere else, you’ll have to pay another application fee.”

(…)

   “Please let me study here. I won’t bother Phii Fah…just for one month.”

(Kong told me. Not even for one month.)

   “…please.”

(Two weeks.)

   “One month, please, I beg you.”

(No.)

   “…You’re so cruel, even though…I’m your son.”

(…)

   “I am your son…whether you want it or not, you might see me as a mistake, yes. I am your mistake, look at me…you made this mistake, because you cheated on your wife…

(Typhoon!!)

   “Yes, hic…I am Typhoon. I am Typhoon, your son…legally, legally.

I am your son.”

(What do you want!)

   “Me?” I started sobbing and shouting louder than I usually do, but now I’ve lost control and can’t manage myself.

I felt like…I was ready to break down again.

“You…hic, what do you want?”

(I want you to stay away from that family.)

   “Because it’s embarrassing, isn’t it…very embarrassing, right? Very embarrassing, hic…huhu, it’s good that you’re embarrassed, because it’s all your fault.”

(…you!!)

   The tone of his voice indicated that my father was angry, very angry…as he usually is in situations like this. I felt good that at least it was just a phone call. Otherwise…things could have gotten more intense.

“Will you blame me, why blame me? What did I do? I was just born…I didn’t even choose to be, you’re the one who chose…hic, huhu.

I…I…”

(…)

   “If I could choose, I’d want to have a normal family like everyone else!”

I hung up without waiting for an answer from Dad. I didn’t care anymore…I didn’t care about his words anymore. I would stay here…I would stay here. No matter what…I would stay here.

   Please…

   Please don’t take everything away from me again.

   I sat hugging my knees and cried for nearly an hour. No calls came back from Dad, no calls from anyone. I hate it when I sink into these terrible feelings and can’t pull myself back out, as if my tears would never stop. No matter what, they kept flowing endlessly.

   I sat leaning against the back of the chair, feeling drained, staring blankly at the white wall. This might have been one of the few times I raised my voice at my father. I yelled out wanting a normal family like others, yes…maybe it’s something many people are born with, a father, a mother, or just guardians.

   Someone to be a refuge. Not having to cook delicious meals. Not having to prepare a bed, not needing gifts or important celebrations. I just hoped for an ordinary family. No need for free time to go out, no need to eat together on holidays, just someone who wouldn’t leave, who would care about me, listen, and ask.

   And sadly, that person…

   Was someone I once had…

   I slowly got up from the chair and sat on the bed, hugging the teddy bear Fan had once bought for me, holding it tight and crying again.

   Fan was my family…the only one I had, and I couldn’t keep her.    We parted without even understanding each other. At that time, we were still arguing. I was still stubborn. I didn’t treat her well. I didn’t even have the chance to say sorry. And Fan…she never got the chance to hear my apology.

   When I lost her, I realized that     no matter how much I regretted it,    I would never be forgiven again.

   “Sorry…Phoon is sorry.”

After crying for nearly two hours until I had no strength left, I tried to pull myself together to wash my face, make some hot tea, and drink a cup hoping to feel a bit better. I looked at the teddy bear I had been hugging earlier; it definitely needed washing now.

   It was that stained.

   My eyelids were heavy, and my head and eyes hurt, but this state wasn’t all that unusual, it happens often. That’s why I wonder if tears will ever run out.

   While resting, I used the tea bags I had chilled earlier to soothe my swollen eyes; they really help with the swelling, which is something Fan taught me.

   I turned towards the door when I heard a knock, peeked through the peephole, and saw it was Phii Fah.

   Phii Fah…

   Why…

   “…yes?” I slowly opened the door, looking at the person in front of me with confusion, “Phii Fah…is something…wrong?”

“Sorry for not telling you beforehand, but can you stay over with me tonight?” Phii Fah said with a slight smile.

“Stay over?” I raised an eyebrow in response to his words.    “I still haven’t found a new dorm for you, this one isn’t very good, what if the power goes out again?”

“…Oh, okay.” I nodded, “Then…I will go pack a few things.” I said before turning back into the room. Phii Fah was too kind, but it was a good thing, I suppose.

“Can I come in?”

“Sure.” I replied without thinking, forgetting that my walls were covered with pictures of Fan. I quickly turned to see Phii Fah looking at those pictures with a surprised expression.

“Hmm…Fan, huh? She doesn’t seem to have changed much.” Phii Fah said with a smile, his surprise fading, “Where did you go on this trip?” he asked, pointing to one of the photos.

“Oh…Rayong, I think,” I looked at the photo and tried to remember, “Probably.” I also noticed the used tea bags I had used for my eyes lying there; would it seem strange to have used tea bags on the table?    I quickly packed my things as fast as I could; if Phii Fah noticed more of my personal items, it wouldn’t be good…

“Oh…Phii Fah, this morning when you went out, Hill called,” I said, remembering, as we were walking to the car, “He said to call him back.”

“Oh…did you answer the call?” Phii Fah turned to ask. I nodded in response, “Next time, you don’t have to answer the call.”

“…Okay.”

That’s right…I shouldn’t have interfered. Phii Fah probably doesn’t like anyone messing with his phone.

   Speaking of which…what was the urgent matter that made Phii Fah rush out this morning? Even if I want to know, it’s better not to ask.

It’s not something I should be asking about, it’s personal after all.    I heard the phone ringing again, and I saw it was Uncle Kong calling. I let out a big sigh before excusing myself to take the call.    “Phii Fah can wait in the car first. Phoon needs to take this call for a moment,” I said.

“Okay,” Phii Fah replied, then walked to wait by the car. I moved a little further away and answered the call.

“Yes, Uncle.”

(Phoon…did you say something? Rati is really angry now.)    “…Yes. I…just…” I immediately furrowed my brows, feeling stressed, wondering if I was going to get scolded again.

(Oh, forget it for now. Anyway, Rati has agreed. At first, he was only going to give you two weeks, but I talked to him, and he agreed to one month.)

   “Will…that’s true?”

(Yeah, one month, and after that, don’t bother him anymore.)

   “…Yes.”

It’s strange, one part of me is secretly happy; at least Dad agreed to let me be with Phii Fah for another month, but another part feels an aching emptiness.

(I’m sorry if I couldn’t help more.)

   “It’s okay, Uncle. I’m already very grateful for this,” I said with a sad smile.

(Phoon…just hang in there for now.)

   “Everything will get better, right?” I repeated the words Uncle had once told me.

(Yes…)

   “…Yes, then I’ll hang up now.”

(Hmm, we’ll talk later.)

   “Okay.”

I hung up the phone, stared at the screen for a while, then tucked it into my pants pocket.

   Just hold on, everything will get better soon.

   I hate this phrase so much…will it really get better? I’ve been using these words to console myself for how long now, and until now, nothing has improved.

   Will it get better?

   When?

   Just be patient?

   How long do I have to be patient…I can’t take it anymore, do I still have to endure?

   “Are you okay?” That was the first thing Phii Fah asked when I got into the car, his expression showing a bit of concern, which made me smile unintentionally.

“Why?”

“Your face is a bit pale.”

“Oh…”

“I think you should get a health check-up. I happen to have some free time now.”

“A health check-up?” I turned to ask the person next to me, with a look of surprise, “No…I’d rather not, I guess it would be the same as always.” I said. Even if I went for a check-up, there would probably be nothing except for not eating enough and not sleeping enough. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” I nodded.

“Then can we stop by to buy something?”

“What are you going to buy?”

“A gift.”

“A gift?”

“Yes, it’s a friend’s birthday tomorrow, and I haven’t got a gift yet.”

“Oh…sure.”

“Can you help me choose a gift?”

“I’m not sure if I can help.”

“Okay.”

Before the luxury car parked in the underground parking lot of the mall, I followed Phii Fah around. I had no idea what kind of gift he wanted to buy, we’d walked past many stores already.

“The other day, I was also looking at these kinds of things, but still didn’t know what to buy,” Phii Fah casually mentioned, putting his hand in his pocket and looking bored. He must not realize that by acting like this, he was attracting even more attention from passersby.    It’s a pity I didn’t bring my camera; if I had taken a picture now, it would look like one of his clothing ads, but even if I had a camera, it would still seem strange to take a photo.    “Do you have any ideas for buying gifts?”

“None at all. What kind of person is Phii Fah’s friend? Maybe that will help us think of what to buy.”

“Oh…just a moment, he’s calling right now. Phoon, wait here for a bit,” Phii Fah said after checking his phone. I nodded to show I understood and sat down to wait inside a clothing store.

“What’s up?”

(Tonfah.)

   “What?”

(Annoying.)

   “Why?”

(Your ex called me this morning, like fifteen times, the jerk.)

   “Did he call you too?”

(Yeah, and what’s with him, why does he have to call so much?)    “Maybe he had a problem with his new partner, so when he couldn’t reach you, he called the rest of us instead. Hill got it too, he just called me to complain.”

(Stupid.)

   “Sigh, he’s in trouble, isn’t he, Jo?”

(I’m in trouble too, damn it. I want to sleep, I’ve blocked the number already.)

   “Yeah, block it, Hill has already blocked it too.”

(When will you stop getting involved?)

   “I don’t gain anything from it.”

(Heh. You don’t gain anything, but you rush over when he calls.)

   “He’s in trouble, what can I do?”

(Just stay out of it.)

   “Jo.”

(Just stay out of it, that’s enough.)

   “Jo, don’t do anything.”

(When did I say I would do anything?)

   “You can’t be trusted.”

(This is just causing trouble, Fah.)

   “I’ll handle it myself. I won’t make it hard for you guys.”

(Fah.)

   “I know, is there anything you want to say?”

(Even if I don’t say it.)

   “You’ll know anyway.”

(Hmm.)

   “Sounds quite irritated.

(He’s been bothering me since morning.)

   “Whose voice is that?”

(Chin.)

   “Your mom, Chin?”

(Yeah, she’s calling me to go shopping again, buying so much I thought we were opening a secondhand store.)

   “Oh, I heard you were helping her carry stuff.”

(Hah, you think I want to?)

   “I came to buy you a birthday gift. I don’t know what to get, do you want anything special?”

(You won’t surprise me at all, huh?)

   “No, just tell me what you want.”

(Anything. You don’t have to buy anything, I don’t really want anything.)

   “Do I have to buy something?”

(Just buy anything.)

   “Hmm.”

(Yeah.)

   “Shall we go to another store?” Phii Fah came back to where I was waiting. I nodded, and we headed to another store. It seemed like Phii Fah really had no ideas for gift buying. We walked around almost the entire floor, “Sorry for making you tired.”

“It’s okay,” I said, shaking my head slightly. I wasn’t tired at all.

“How about buying a shirt?”

“That could be good.”

“Hmm…but he already has so many shirts.”

“What kind of person is your friend?” I asked the same question again, “Maybe it will help choose the gift.”

“Hmm…it’s hard to explain, but he’s someone who has everything, so it’s difficult to buy something for him.”

“Is he quite well-off?”

“You could say he’s very rich.”

“Oh…” I fell silent for a moment, pondering, “Then, how about making a gift? It would be unique.”

“I don’t have time to make something,” Phii Fah said, before his gaze shifted to one particular store, “Let’s stop at this shop instead.” I followed Phii Fah into a high-end clothing store that I guessed must be very expensive.

“Which one is good?” Phii Fah asked me, pointing at two jackets hanging there; both were beautiful. I’ve never had someone ask me to help choose a gift before. I didn’t know which one would suit him better.

“Uh…I can’t decide.”

“You can choose the one you like.”

“But…”

“Just choose one, don’t overthink it.”

“Then the one on the left.”

After that, Phii Fah picked up the jacket on the left and went to pay. I caught a glimpse of the bill; it was in the five digits, but I couldn’t see the exact amount clearly.

   It’s in the tens of thousands…

   And he chose the one I liked.

   What if I like it but the guy doesn’t?

   “What if I like it but he doesn’t?” I asked as we walked back to the car to return to the condo.

“It’s fine, he said I could buy anything. Since I couldn’t decide, having you help choose was good,” Phii Fah said in a relaxed tone, glancing at the mirror and gently turning the steering wheel. The luxury car began to move out of the parking lot.

Today, I got to help Phii Fah choose a gift, Fan.

   That’s nice.

   Just something small like this is enough.

   Another thing is that Dad agreed to let me stay here.

   Even if it’s not the best, it’s good enough.

   “Tomorrow, Phii Fah is going to a friend’s birthday party,” Phii Fah mentioned as we arrived at the room. I was searching through my bag, looking up at him as he spoke, “In the evening.”    “Oh, okay, should I go back to the dorm or…”

“You can stay here. I won’t be gone long.”

“Okay.”

I nodded and secretly smiled.

   “Don’t drink too much,” I said when I remembered, my words making Phii Fah smile slightly, in an affectionate way.

“Okay. Normally, I don’t drink much anyway.”

“Oh…okay.”

“Don’t forget to look for information on new dorms,” Phii Fah reminded, “Tomorrow we can go look for a new place.”

“Okay.”

We cooked dinner together, making up for the breakfast we didn’t finish and had to throw away. Then we sat on the sofa and watched a movie together. What we did today reminded me just how happy I am to be with Phii Fah, and I didn’t want to lose it.

   I really didn’t want to lose you.

   Really.

   “Phoon.”

“Ah, yes?”

“Lost in thought? Is the movie not interesting?”

“Oh, no, not that. Just thinking about something pleasant,” I quickly turned my attention back to the TV screen when I realized I was caught staring at him.

Until we finished watching the movie together. I wanted to note down what movies I watched with Phii Fah, so if I watch them again, I can remember.

   Staying with Phii Fah wasn’t particularly special, but it made me feel warm and safe in an indescribable way, giving me the comfort of seeing someone within sight, which was my peace of mind.    “Goodnight,” Phii Fah said about Fan as he was about to close the bedroom door, “Are you sure you want to sleep on the sofa tonight?”

“Yes, goodnight.”

“Okay,” Phii Fah smiled, before closing the bedroom door. I collapsed onto the large sofa, pulling a thin blanket over me, trying to close my eyes and surprisingly, I drifted off to sleep easily tonight.

“Phoon.”

   “…”

“Sit down.”    Huh?

   Everything before my eyes seemed blurry, with shades of pink and blue, before a marble bench appeared in front of me. Gradually, the surroundings became clearer, revealing the front yard of our house.    Home? Why am I back at home?

   I looked around in confusion, then looked down at myself to find I was wearing pajamas.

   Is Fan here…

   Then the person sitting in front of me must be…

   The smiling face of the woman I’ve always thought of. She was smiling widely, kindly; Torfan was sitting on the marble bench in front of me. I rushed over to her immediately.

   “Hic…huhu,” I stopped in front of her, standing there crying. I’ve always prayed, always wished to see Fan. Even just in this dream, it would be enough, I wanted to see her, wanted to see her…”Fan…Fan.”    “Phoon, don’t cry, sit down first,” the sweet, familiar voice spoke softly. I sat down opposite her. Fan was wearing the outfit I last saw her in, on the day she was hit by a car.

   “Fan…Fan, why, hic.”

   “Don’t cry. No.”

   The small, warm hand gently wiped my tears, which only made me cry harder. I reached up to hold that hand.

“Fan…I miss you, I miss you,” I took her hand and kissed it, glancing at the person who was still smiling gently in front of me.

   Thank you…

   Thank you for still smiling at me.

   “Fan…I misses I, misses…you, all the time…sniff”

   “I know…you tell me every day.”

   “…sniff, sob”

   “In the letters.”

   “sob…sniff, sob”

   “I also miss you, Phoon.”

   “Ohh,” I sobbed uncontrollably, almost unable to breathe when I heard what she said, “sniff, sob”

   “Phoon…”

   “sob, sniff”

   “You’ve been through a lot of bad things, haven’t you?”

   “sob, sniff, uhm, sob…sniff”

   I had millions of words I wanted to say, but at this moment, I couldn’t say a single one. I just kept crying, crying until it felt like my heart would break, every feeling, every longing, everything was stuck in my chest.

   “It’s okay.”

   “sniff, sniff, sob”

   “You did well.”

   “…”

“You did very well, for everything you’ve been through.”    “Fan…gasp, sob” I could hardly see because of the tears blurring my vision, the image in front of me was blurry, but I sensed that Fan had also started to cry.

   “Hic, I’m sorry…hic, sorry for not being there with you.”    I held Fan’s hands tighter, bowing my head to rest my forehead against her palms.

   “Sorry…huhu, I’m sorry too, sorry, Phoon is sorry.”

   “Hmm, hic, huhu. It’s okay. It’s really okay.”

   “Because of Phoon, because of Phoon…Fan, therefore…”    She showed a faint smile and gently shook her head.

   “No…not at all.”

   Then slowly, her hands moved to cup my face, her beautiful eyes looking at me through her tears.

   “It’s not your fault at all.”

   “Bu…but…”

   “Don’t cry anymore…brave one.”

   “Hmm,” I nodded slightly, my lips pressed together, before hastily wiping my tears away, “Thank you, thank you, always thank you.”

   “Phoon.”

   “Eat more, okay?”

   “…” Fan’s words made my tears flow again. I slowly nodded in agreement, “How is Fan?”

“…” No answer came, but her eyes, wet with tears, reflected a deep sadness.

   “Why did we only meet now, even though…”

   “Phoon, I have always seen you.”

   “But…it’s about back then.”

   “Yes…” Her voice was soft and sweet, both her gaze and smile were so sad it hurt, her pale face stained with tears, “This is just a dream, what you will see…depends on your emotions and feelings.”

   “…”

   “Your sadness is too much.”

   “Fan…”

   “Hmm?”

   “Fan, you are…still with me, right?”

   “I haven’t gone anywhere, right? I am always by your side, right? sniff…”

   “…I don’t know.”

   “sniff…sob, sorry, it must be very painful, right?”

   “Phoon.”

   “…Yes?”

   “Listen.”

   “Uhm…”

   “It might be hard…but sometimes you need to be strong.”

   “…”

“In the end, everyone has to face things alone…you can’t always depend on others.”

   “…”

   “But right now, it’s not easy, is it…For the next month, I will pray for you, may you only encounter good things, have only good memories, and after that…no matter how much it hurts, you have to be strong.”

   “…sniff, sob”

   The warm hand gently stroked my face.

   “No matter what happens…”

   “sob…hug”

   “Phoon, please love yourself the way I love you.”

   “sob, sniff”    !!!

   I woke up, feeling my heart pounding fiercely, tears streaming down my face. I slowly sat up, hastily wiping away my tears, but when I thought back to the scene from the dream, I wanted to cry again.    I took some time to compose myself, then got up to wash my face, looking for water to drink to calm down. I stood leaning against the kitchen counter, staring outside for a while, my mind full of confusing thoughts.

Fan…

   …why do I dream of things like this?

Before this, I dreamt of Fan often, but it was always about the past or the day Fan died. I had never dreamt like this before.    I don’t know what it was, was that really Fan…or was it just my imagination? There’s nothing that can give me an answer, because people often say that dreams happen because we think about someone a lot, and the events in the dream are what we want to happen.

   Because I wanted to see her.

   Because I wanted to apologize.

   Because I wanted to be forgiven.

   To read the letter as I was told, to hear my apology, to receive forgiveness, the warmth from her hands, her smile, her voice, her comfort, her concern, her goodwill, her love, all those things. I don’t know if it’s real.

   But even if it’s just in a dream,    Even if you’re no longer really here,    At least…

   At least…

   You still always heal me.

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 6: Goodnight, Again

   “…”

I could only remain silent, looking at the person in front of me with confusion before my heart started beating so hard I couldn’t control it.

   This isn’t good, my heart shouldn’t be beating this strongly.

   “Do you remember why?”

“…”

“Phoon.”

“Yes,” I quickly regained my composure, turning my attention to what Phii Fah was saying, “Yes, why?”

“When we were kids, when I just referred to myself as ‘Phi’ (big brother), you would get confused about which ‘Phi’ it was because there were many kids we knew around the neighborhood. So, I had to use his name so that you would know.”

“Oh…”

“You don’t remember?”

“Uh…no, I don’t remember at all.”

I couldn’t remember what Phii Fah was telling me; I couldn’t recall him ever just calling himself ‘Phii’ before. Was it because of this reason?

   Because he referred to himself like that since childhood?

   “Yes, if I didn’t say it like this, it wouldn’t feel right.”

Ah…it’s just something he’s been used to for a long time.

   It’s not good…because my heart went and hoped on its own, which is why it hurts like this now. Deserved, Typhoon, deserved…for hoping like that, it’s just pathetic.

   “Yeah…that’s how it is, but Phii Fah you don’t have to use his name like that anymore. We’re not kids anymore,” I said softly, breathing with difficulty, feeling my whole chest area constricted.

“Hmm. It’s okay, I’m used to it.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Or do you not like it? If you don’t like it, Phii Fah won’t use his name anymore.”

“I don’t dislike it…” I answered truthfully. Whether it’s out of habit or whatever, it’s better that he only does this with me…yes, it has to be better, “You can keep referring to yourself like that.”

“Then you should call yourself by your name like before too,” Phii Fah said with a kind smile.

“…Yes.”

“By the way, how’s the neighborhood? Has it changed a lot? Phii

Fah hasn’t been back since moving out.”

“Well…it has changed a bit. Like the candy store is gone, the playground we used to run around in is now a row of shops,” I said, thinking about what has changed around the neighborhood since childhood. Everything changes with time, and it always makes me feel nostalgic when I think about it, “The storage shed…our secret base, it’s been demolished.”    “Oh…that’s too bad.”

“…Yes, it’s a pity.”

“Alright then,” Phii Fah said, getting up from the sofa, “Shall I make some hot cocoa? So you can sleep better.” I was slightly surprised that he suddenly changed the topic, but I nodded in agreement right away.

“Can I help?”

“No need, do you like it sweet?”

“It doesn’t have to be sweet.”

“Okay,” Phii Fah responded. I watched the host of the room walk over to the kitchen area, and in no time, hot cocoa was placed on the table in front of me.

“Thank you,” I expressed my gratitude before reaching out to take the cocoa cup, “Doesn’t Phii Fah want some?”

“No.”

“Have some, you might sleep better,” I offered, holding out the cup, but Phii Fah shook his head gently.

“I usually sleep easily because there’s not much time to rest.”

“Oh…”

“More often, I try to keep myself from getting too sleepy.”

“Is it a heavy workload?” I asked, taking a sip of the cocoa.    This hot cocoa is so delicious…it makes me think of Fan. When I couldn’t sleep and I would whine to Fan, she would get up and make something for me to drink before bed.

“Yes, veterinary studies are tough too. Try your best.”    “Yes,” I nodded, glancing outside. It seemed like the rain was getting heavier, with no sign of stopping.

“Actually, if there’s anything you don’t understand, you can ask me.”

“…Ask?”

“Yes, the first-year content isn’t that hard; I can tutor you.”    “Thank you,” I said softly, “I’ll…come and ask.” My words made the person in front of me smile a little wider.

“Then you can sleep now. Would you like another blanket?”

“It’s okay.”

“Yes, then Phii Fah will go to sleep. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight too.”

Phii Fah went to drink water from the fridge before disappearing into the bedroom, and silence returned to the room once more. I thought of something and went to grab my phone to take a photo.

   It was a picture of an empty cocoa mug on the table.

   This might be one of the few photos on my Instagram that isn’t of the sky.

   With the caption, “goodnight.”

   “It’s morning,” a familiar, gentle, deep voice spoke, waking me up as I slowly opened my eyes to find Phii Fah gently shaking me.

“…Uh, yes.”

I slowly sat up, the sunlight from outside making me instinctively rub my eyes a little, but a firm hand immediately grabbed my wrist.

“Don’t rub your eyes.”

I looked at the hand holding my wrist before he let go.

“…Yes.”

“Go shower first, then we’ll have breakfast together.”

“Breakfast?”

“Yes, the breakfast we said we’d make together.”    Oh…right.

Cooking together.

After I showered and got dressed, I put on the same clothes from yesterday, thinking they could be worn again, and today I would probably go back. Walking out, I saw Phii Fah preparing things on the kitchen counter.

“Come help chop some vegetables, can you do it?”

“I can.”

I walked over to help, as I mentioned, I’m not that skilled, but I can manage because I used to help Fan cook often. While I was trying to chop vegetables, I stole a glance at the person standing next to me, and once again, I felt a warmth in my heart.

Phii Fah in this light…I never thought I’d see him like this.    “Be careful not to cut yourself,” Phii Fah warned, probably because he saw I was distracted. I quickly turned back to what I was doing, embarrassed, “You can do it.”

“…Really?”

“You are good at this too, I told you to have some confidence in yourself.”

“Ah…thank you,” I said, thanking him again, unknowingly smiling.    It’s nice like this. Even if I’m in the role of a younger brother, if it doesn’t hurt too much, it’s not so bad.

I still want to have an older brother, no matter the role.

No matter what…I don’t want time to change this.

While we were cooking, the phone rang. Phii Fah turned to look at his phone, which was sounding on the table, quickly wiping his hands before picking it up. I, who had to continue preparing the meal, didn’t see, but I could hear Phii Fah’s voice.

“Is it okay?”

(…)

   “It’s fine, I’ll come over.”

(…)

   “At the usual place, right? Wait for a bit, um…just ten minutes, wait ten minutes, and I’ll be there.”

(…)

   Normally, Phii Fah’s voice would sound calm and composed, but now, it sounded like he was in a rush. Yes, that voice was full of urgency, something not often heard.

“Phoon, I will go out for a bit.”

“Oh…okay.”

“You don’t have to cook, just wait for me to come back.”

“Yes.”

Before Phii Fah put on a jacket, slipped on his shoes, and hurried out of the room, leaving me standing confused in the room alone.    Because Phii Fah said to pause the cooking, I turned off the gas stove and carefully set down the knife. Who called, and what could have happened to make him leave in such a hurry?

At least it must be something important.

I went back to sit on the sofa where I had slept last night, folded the blanket neatly and placed it. I only now noticed the hyacinth we bought together, which was on the shelf beside the bookcase. I wonder if Phii Fah takes care of it, but he did promise to try his best.    I’ve been waiting for almost twenty minutes, but there’s no sign of the room’s owner returning. I walked over to check the ingredients and the partially prepared food. Phii Fah said we’d cook together…    It’s okay, he just has something more important to deal with.    Suddenly, the phone rang again. I recognized it as Phii Fah’s phone because mine doesn’t have that ringtone. I followed the sound to find it still on the table.

He left in such a hurry he forgot his phone…

I looked at the screen, which showed the name ‘Hill’ calling.    Hill?

If I remember correctly, this is the name of a friend Phii Fah mentioned he wanted to introduce to me.

I hesitated for a long time about whether to answer or not, because it’s not my phone, would it be too intrusive to pick up? But thinking he might have urgent business, I could at least tell him Phii Fah wasn’t here.

“Ye…yes?” I answered with a shaky voice.

(…Where’s Tonfah?)

   The deep, calm voice on the other end sent a slight shiver down my spine, sounding like the caller was not pleased that it wasn’t Phii Fah answering.

“Phii Fah is not here, he forgot his phone.”

(And who are you?)

   “…Phii Fah’s little brother.”

(Uh…where did he leave his phone?)

   “In his room.”

(His room? And where did he go?)

   “Someone called, and he rushed out.”

(Hmm, when he gets back, tell him to call me back, okay?)

   “Okay.”

Before the other person hung up, this guy seemed so cold. Why would Phii Fah want to introduce him to me? When the call ended, the phone screen locked. I put it down and after a while, it was my phone’s turn to ring.    Incoming call: Uncle Kong    Uncle?

   “Yes, Uncle.”

(Phoon, are you free today?)

   “Yes, what’s up?”

(I’m in Chiang Mai today, let’s have dinner together.)

   “Oh…sure, what time?”

(Can we meet in about thirty minutes? Where’s your dorm located? I’ll come pick you up.)

   “Uh…it’s behind the university. When you arrive, you can call me.”

(Alright, see you then.)

   “Yes.”

I hung up, smiling slightly. Uncle Kong is my dad’s secretary. As

I’ve mentioned, I talk more with my dad’s secretary than with my dad. Uncle Kong used to visit us often since we were kids; he’s a very kind person, knows everything that happens in our family, including that I’m not the biological son, yet he’s still very kind to me.

I actually wanted to wait for Phii Fah to come back, but since I had already made plans with Uncle, and Phii Fah said he’d be back soon but there was no sign of him after so long, it should be fine to leave before he returns. I can’t even message him to let him know because he left his phone behind.

I left Phii Fah’s room, got into the car, and returned to my dorm. I quickly changed my clothes and went out to have a meal with Uncle.    “How are you doing here?” Uncle Kong asked as soon as I got in the car.

“It’s good, and how about you, Uncle, are you well?”

“I’m well, you talk like we haven’t seen each other in ages, we just met before Phoon left Phuket.”    “Yeah, do you have business here?”

“Yes, just a little business. Since I’m in Chiang Mai, I thought I’d visit Phoon.”

“Oh.”

Before we stopped in front of a restaurant, while we were sitting at the table waiting for our food, Uncle Kong chatted about all sorts of things. I’m glad Uncle Kong is still around. Even though he’s not family, just an acquaintance, at least he talks to me nicely, doesn’t shout, doesn’t speak ill, we meet sometimes, eat together, and asks if I’m doing well…that’s all I really need.

“How long until the term starts?” Uncle Kong asked while scooping food into his mouth.    “About two more months.”

“Oh…that’s good, do you travel around by car often? Do you know the roads yet?”

“Not really,” I shook my head slightly, “I don’t go out much.”    “Come to think of it, I still haven’t bought you a congratulatory gift for passing the exam, do you still want that camera?”

“It’s okay, Dad already bought it for me,” I said. Dad just transferred the money because I called and asked for it. He doesn’t want me bothering him too much, so he transfers the money to end it quickly.    “Rati is always like this,” Uncle Kong said. Rati is my dad’s name. Uncle Kong and my dad are quite close because they’ve been friends for a long time, and they still work together, “Sigh, Phoon, actually, I didn’t want to tell you about this.”

“…What is it?”

“Rati consulted with me about wanting you to study somewhere else.”

Uncle Kong’s words made me put down my spoon immediately. I was stunned because I couldn’t believe what I had just heard.

“Uh…what is it?”

“He’s really mad that you met Tonfah. At first, he didn’t think much about wanting to study here, but when he found out that Tonfah is here too, it made Rati think that you might do something bad.”

“Something bad…what is that? I didn’t…”

“Yeah, but in his mind, he thinks you will tell Tonfah something.”    “…I never thought of that,” I said softly, lowering my head, clenching my lips tight, feeling uneasy. “Why would he think that?”

“Hmm…”

“Dad doesn’t see me in a good light anymore, does he?” I said, because Uncle’s troubled expression told me instantly. “Why? This matter…”

“Rati doesn’t want Khun Wichai and Khun Pha to know about

Torfan, you know why, right?”

“…Yes,” I clasped both hands tightly. “Uncle…can you tell me more details? Why doesn’t Dad want Uncle and Aunt to know to that extent?”

My words made the person sitting across from me look even more troubled, letting out a heavy sigh before beginning to explain.    “If you want more details…Rati really respects both of them, and he’s always been concerned about his own image. He once thought he wanted his daughter to date Wichai’s son.”    Dad wanted Fan…to date Phii Fah?

“In front of Wichai, he always tried to make himself look good, from choosing good women to date, to having a lovely daughter. In fact, Torfan’s name actually comes from Tonfah.”

“…How so?”

“Initials T and F.”

Oh…right, T and F can be both Tonfah and Torfan.

“So he also lied to Khun Wichai and Khun Pha about you. When

Tonfah was born, Khun Wichai and Khun Pha were still in Germany. By the time they came back, you and Fan were already two and three, so he could lie to both of them, saying he had two children.”    I nodded in understanding, because during the time I was left behind, you, uncle and aunt, were abroad.

“If Khun Wichai and Khun Pha knew about Fan’s death, they would definitely suspect why Rati and Pim got divorced, why Pim left even though you were still there, if they knew the truth about Rati…”    Uncle Kong looked worried the whole time he was telling me the story. I felt some pain myself, but the truth is the truth…

“If uncle and aunt knew that my father fooled around with someone else and that I am his extra marital child, it would disappoint them, wouldn’t it?”    “Probably…”

“And…why, if he abandons me even more, wouldn’t it look bad in uncle and aunt’s eyes, why…why?” I asked while trying to hold back tears, trying to control myself as much as possible. Uncle looked at me with pity and reached out to hand me a tissue.

“Phoon…”

“Because my father doesn’t love me, right? He probably doesn’t even want to see me…” I bit my lip so hard it bled, not as painful as the turmoil in my heart at that moment.

I understand…I understand now, because my father doesn’t want to take care of me. If he left me here and uncle and aunt saw me, he would have to pretend to love and care for me for them to see, and he doesn’t want to do that.

   Uncle Kong consoled me for a while until I got back to normal. No matter how many times I think about it, it still hurts. Just thinking…just thinking that I’ve never been loved, not even a little bit.

   Just thinking about it…

   My heart feels like it’s shattering into pieces.

   “And…about saying father wants me to…study elsewhere,” I said softly, head down. Even now, my hands barely had the strength to hold each other.

“To keep you away from them, of course.”

“No…I don’t want that.”

Tears started to well up again. No…no, don’t take Phii Fah away. No. I have no one left, please…please, just this, can I have just this, can I have Phii Fah?

“No, please, I beg you, please,” I looked up with hot, teary eyes, my lips pressed tightly together in pain, but more than that was the deep ache in my heart.

“Phoon…that’s not something for me to decide, I’m just here to tell you,” Uncle Kong said in a calm voice, trying to soothe me. “Actually, there are still some universities accepting students. Rati wants you to study somewhere else.”

“…No…not that.”

“Phoon…”

“Uncle…you know, I feel…”

I let the tears flow, trying my best to stifle my sobs, quickly grabbing a tissue to wipe my tears in a rush, so others wouldn’t notice.

“I know…I want to stay with Tonfah, right?”

“…Yes, sniff.”

“I’ll talk to Rati again, at least you won’t have to transfer to another school.”

“…”

“But, Phoon…you’ll have to keep your distance from Tonfah.

Otherwise…”

“Uncle.”

“Hmm?”

“If I don’t get too involved with Phii Fah, it will be okay, right?”

“Well…maybe.”

“Then one month.”

“…?”

“Just one month, let me stay with Phii Fah for just one more month. I won’t tell the truth about Fan. I won’t let anyone know, just one month, and then I won’t bother Phii Fah anymore.”

“Phoon…”

“Sniff…please.”

“…Hmm, I’ll tell Rati like this then.”

“…Yes, sniff, thank you, Uncle.”    Yes…just this.

   You don’t have to be by my side, that’s okay, just let me see you.

   Just let me see you a little…my sky.

   “Phoon, if anything happens, call me.”

“Yes, thank you,” I thanked him again as I stepped out of uncle’s car, said goodbye for a while longer, before walking back up to my room, collapsing onto the bed in exhaustion.

Not physical exhaustion, but my heart that was tired.

   Why…is my love so hard to come by?

   Maybe it’s right, the person by my side, Phii Fah shouldn’t have been Phoon from the start…

   I glanced at the picture on the wall in front of me.

   Fan…

   Why…did it have to be like this?

If it were Fan, everything would be better, wouldn’t it? If Fan were still here…none of this would have happened. No way, everything would be perfect with Fan.

   I constantly wondered why it wasn’t him who was hit by the car that day.

   If we could trade places…I’d want Fan to be here instead, to be the hope and Fan for the parents, to be the happiness for everyone, to be by Phii Fah’s side, to do what Phoon could never do, to be what Phoon could never be.

   I’m so tired, Fan…Phoon is tired and it hurts.

   Does it hurt this much…just to keep living?

   I just don’t want to be alone…just want someone by my side.    Just don’t want…to sit here hugging myself and crying like this anymore.

   With my parents, I used to demand love, used to demand attention, but now…if there’s no love, can we at least not hurt each other?    I…do I have the right to be happy…or not?

   After crying and hugging myself on the bed for nearly ten minutes, my phone rang, pulling me out of my reverie. At times like these, when I’m spiraling down, it’s hard to pull myself up, and I’ve never managed to do it. I just keep sinking deeper into that pain.

   Phii Fah called…

“…Hello,” I answered the call and tried my best to keep my voice from trembling.

(Phoon, where are you? Why haven’t you answered when I called several times?)

   “Oh…I’m sorry. I didn’t hear it.”

(And where are you now?)

   “I’m in my room.”

(Are you okay? Why did you suddenly leave?)

   “Oh…it’s because an uncle I know was going to take me out for a meal, so I left early. Sorry.”

(Oh…it’s good as long as you’re okay.)

   The anxious tone from the other end of the line made me think, at least, he still cares about me.

“Phii Fah.”

(Yes, what is it?)

   “Phoon wants to go out again tomorrow. Can you take me out?”

(Oh…sure.)

   Just one month.

   Just one month to be with Phii Fah…

   I want it to be a month full of memories between us.

   And it…will become the most precious memory for me.

 SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME 

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 5: Rainy Day

   It’s raining…

   I don’t know when it started, but by the time I noticed, raindrops were already falling. I gazed out the window dotted with raindrops. The sky when it’s overcast sometimes makes me feel lonely, but I still like to look up at it.

   When they say I look at the sky positively…that’s probably true.

   How could I look at you in a negative way?

   Can’t be the sky for anyone…Is that so…

   But even so…I still see you as my only sky.

   No matter what happens…you’re still the only one I always look for.

   And it will never change.

   No matter what you think…I won’t change.

   We were at a traffic light before turning into my dorm. After we went out together, when it started to rain, Phii Fah hurried to take me back. I secretly glanced at the person beside me for a moment before turning back.    Phii Tonfah…

   I once asked about the meaning of his name. He said because his father wanted him to be a sky higher than anyone else, a sky that everyone looks up to, and his mother wanted him to be a tree, one that sways with the wind but never falls, providing shelter to others.    So, Phii Tonfah lived up to his parents’ expectations, being a sky above all, providing shade like a tree. As for me, I’m someone who just happened to pass by, fell for this tree, chose to seek shelter here, knowing full well I couldn’t stay here forever.

   “It’s bad, isn’t it? The traffic is this heavy,” Phii Fah said. This brought me out of my reverie, looking ahead to see the road packed with cars. When it rains like this, traffic always jams up, it seems like the cars haven’t moved for a while.

“Indeed.”

I was slightly startled when I heard a knock on the car window from the driver’s side, seeing a big bike stop nearby. The rider wore a black helmet and leather jacket, tapping on the window with the back of his hand. Phii Fah looked over, furrowed his brows, and slightly lowered the window to hear what the other person was trying to say. The window was only lowered a little to prevent the rain from splashing in, so the person outside couldn’t see me, and the rider lifted his helmet slightly, so I couldn’t see his face either.

“Where are you coming from?” Phii Fah asked.

“Had some errands, you?”

“Out for fun. You’re not wearing a raincoat, you’ll catch a cold.”

“I’m beyond that.”

“Where are you heading?”

“Back to the condo, damn rain,” because of the heavy rain, I couldn’t hear him clearly, but he seemed pretty annoyed, “Where are you going next?”

“Heading back too,” Phii Fah said, “Drive carefully.”    “Yeah, you too, see you later.” Before he closed his helmet and quickly rode away on his big bike as soon as the light turned green, while cars still had to wait a bit for the one in front to move.

“Uh…is that your friend?” I asked.

“Yes.”

I watched the black big bike from earlier; he was riding so fast, and it was so scary. With such heavy rain, why would he drive that fast?

Isn’t it dangerous?

“Is something wrong?” Phii Fah asked, noticing my concerned expression.

“It’s dangerous, driving like that,” my words made Phii Fah smile slightly.

“It’s okay. That’s normal for him.”

“Oh,” I nodded in understanding, which made me even more curious about what Phii Fah’s friend was like. He seemed so different from

Phii Fah, “What’s his name?”

“Johan, why?”

“Oh, no reason. He just looks…uh.”

“Are you interested?”

“No, not really.”

“If I had to introduce a friend, Johan would be the last one I’d want to introduce,” Phii Fah said in his usual tone, not sounding distressed,

“Oh, maybe second to last.”

Introduce a friend…to me?

   “Why’s that?”

“He’s a womanizer. Even though he’s great in other ways.”    “And if…you were to introduce someone?” I asked softly, with my heart starting to beat faster for no apparent reason, and it also ached slightly at his words.

“Probably Hill.”

“Why him?”

“He’s the best.”

“You’d introduce him because he’s good?”

“Yes.”

No, Phii Fah…you are the best for me.

“Why do you think you should introduce someone to me?”    “Just saying that. I just think it would be good if there was someone to look after you, Phoon,” Phii Fah said, “And if it’s someone who will take care of Phii Fah’s little brother, Phii Fah would want them to be a good person, someone trustworthy.”

“Oh…yes.”

“If you decide to date someone, they should pass by Fan first, right?”    “Probably so.”

“Then they have to pass by me too.”

“…Yes.”

Phii Fah’s little brother…

I’ve tried to seek clarity, even though everything is already clear.

   Just getting this much…is good enough.

   When the luxury car turned into and stopped in front of my dorm, it was surprisingly dark; there wasn’t a single light on, while the adjacent dorm was brightly lit.

   Don’t tell me there’s another power outage.

   “Is there another power outage in the dorm?”

“Seems like it,” I said, looking inside with concern. I’ve only moved in a few days ago, and it’s the second time the power has gone out.

“Can you manage?”

“Uh…honestly…” I fell silent, wanting to say it was fine, but looking inside made me start shaking. I would have to walk inside, go up the stairs, and navigate the dark hallways before getting to my room. Even if I managed to get inside, I’d have to endure being in a dark room.

“Then stay with me tonight.”

“Sorry…for bothering you again.”

“It’s okay,” Phii Fah smiled before turning the car around and heading back to his condo instead, “Phoon.”

“Yes?” I responded immediately when he called my name.

“How many days have you been living here?”

“Uh, not even a month yet.”

“Is your room okay?”

“It’s…okay.”

“Do you often hear noise from the neighbors?”

“Quite often, yes.”

“What about the hot water and air conditioning?”

“The hot water doesn’t work. As for the air conditioning…it’s not very good.”

“Ah…I figured as much.”

“Why?”

“The power has gone out twice in less than a month, and the dorm next door hasn’t had any outages,” Phii Fah said in a flat tone, “Did you research the place before moving in?”

“No…Dad found it for me.”

“…Really?”

“Is there something wrong?”

“Your dad probably didn’t research the dorm well. From what I looked up, this dorm isn’t very good, even though it’s expensive.”    “Oh…” I bit my lip, feeling a pang in my chest when Phii Fah said that Dad didn’t research properly. At first, I was secretly happy that Dad had found the dorm for me, which I thought meant he still cared about me, but now, it turns out…    “You should move to a better place.”

“I can’t move; I just got here.”

“You should move. I’ll help find a new dorm for you.”

“Dad will scold me for this, I’ve already paid for everything.”

“It’s fine, I will talk to uncle myself.”

“Uh…”

I fell silent because I didn’t know what to say when Phii Fah sounded so serious. Soon after, we arrived at Phii Fah’s condo. When we got to the room, I noticed something unusual.    A hanging chair…it wasn’t here the last time I came.

   “I just ordered it,” Phii Fah explained when he saw me staring at it for a while. It was a hanging chair by the window, with a small table in front and a sofa on the other side, probably a relaxation spot.

“Can I sit there?”

“Yes,” when Phii Fah gave permission. I sat in the hanging chair by the window, and with the rain outside, it felt even more relaxing. I like it a lot, enjoying sitting here, lost in thought, looking outside like this. When I looked up slightly, I saw the sky from Phii Fah’s room’s perspective.

I didn’t get to see it last time, but the sky from here is beautiful.    It’s a pity that Phii Fah said he doesn’t like looking at the sky that much, even though it’s so beautiful from here.

“Can I have uncle’s number?”

“Huh?”

“I will try to talk about moving your dorm.”

“Well…”

“Or do you not want to move? If you don’t want to, that’s okay.”    “Yes…” Then I gave Phii Fah my dad’s number. If Phii Fah is talking about this, it must mean that the dorm isn’t good at all. Even though I don’t really want Phii Fah and my dad to talk.

Please don’t let Dad get angry…

“Hello, Uncle. It’s Tonfah.”

(Oh…Tonfah, are you well? We haven’t talked in a while, have we?)

   “I’m fine, how about you, uncle?”

(I’m fine, how are your parents?)

   “Mom and Dad are fine.”

(Really? Good to hear. So, what’s up? Why did you call me?)    “It’s about Phoon.”

(…Phoon? What happened?)

   “It’s about the dorm you chose for Phoon.”

(The dorm? Wait, did he go find you Tonfah?)

   “No, not at all. I study here too, so we met.”

(Oh…is that so? I didn’t know you were studying there.)

   “Yes, but about the dorm…”

(Hm, what about it?)

   “I think Phoon should move to a different dorm because, in reality, this one isn’t very good.”

(How is it not good?)

   “There was a murder there two years ago which made many people move out. With fewer residents, the management doesn’t care much about it anymore, so the electricity, water supply, and appliances are not in good condition. I think moving to a new dorm would be better for Phoon.”

(Murder? Oh, then why is the rent so expensive?)

   “Yes, the rent is expensive but not commensurate with the quality.”    (Then, shouldn’t we negotiate to lower the rent instead? Moving is a hassle, and I’ve already paid a hefty deposit.)

   “Phoon won’t last in that dorm, uncle.”

(Come on, he’ll get used to it. That murder was two years ago; it’s not an issue anymore.)

   “Okay, then.”

(Hmm, and did Phoon tell you anything?)

   “No, why do you ask?”

(No, please give my regards to Vich and Pa if you get a chance to visit.)

   “Sure, oh, there’s another thing, Uncle.”

(What is it?)

   “Phoon doesn’t seem well. I’m worried he might be sick. He won’t eat, and it looks like he’s not sleeping well either. Also, his mental state doesn’t seem okay.”

(Is that so?)

   “Is Phoon okay?”

(No, that’s just how he is. Normal.)

   “Is that so?”

(Yes, don’t worry about it too much, or you’ll just get a headache for nothing.)    “Okay.”

(Anything else?)

   “No, that’s all. Then I’ll hang up. Please take care of your health,

Uncle.”

(Yeah, you take care too.)

   “Okay.”

“Phoon,” Phii Fah came over to me after being on the phone for a while. I was worried about what my dad and Phii Fah talked about, but judging by Phii Fah’s expression, it seemed there wasn’t any problem.

“Yes, what did Dad say?”

“Uncle is okay, we’ll go handle the dorm change tomorrow.”    “Oh…is that so?” I said softly, how strange, my dad, “Thank you for talking to him.”

“It’s fine,” Phii Fah gave me a slight smile, “Go shower and change,

I’ll prepare some clothes for you.”

“Yes, thank you,” I thanked him again before heading to the bathroom because I didn’t bring any clothes and had to borrow some from Phii Fah. As I entered the bathroom and was about to shower…    Dad called…

I took a deep breath. Just seeing Dad’s number on the screen made my hands shake uncontrollably. It’s not often that he calls. No, he almost never calls me first.

“Yes,” I forced my voice into the phone. After hesitating for a long time whether to answer, I finally had to press accept.

(What did you tell Tonfah?)

   “Nothing.”

(Are you going to tell him about Fan? Not only will you disappoint me, but you’ll also make me lose face. What would your aunt and uncle do if they found out?)

   I was startled when Dad yelled through the phone, tears began to well up around my eyes, trying hard not to let my voice shake.

“I didn’t tell, I didn’t tell about Fan.”

(That’s good, you know if you told, you’d be hated.)

   “…Yes, hic.”

(Do you know why I distanced myself from that family?)    “Yes, because you don’t want them to know about Fan.” Just as he’s always said, Dad cares about his reputation more than anything else. After Fan died, he tried to cut off contact with Phii Fah’s family to keep Phii Fah’s aunt and uncle from finding out, preferring to sever ties completely rather than face the shame.

(And this is about you too, but you went and found Tonfah.)

   “…I’m sorry.”

(What was your intention?)

   “My intention…there was none.”

(And what did you tell Tonfah about Fan?)

   “I said…Fan is still alive.”

(Good, and there’s no need to be around them anymore, or everything will come out.)

   “If Phoon told the truth…”

(Huh?)

   “If I told the truth, hic…about Fan, do you think…Phii Fah would be angry?”

(Are you going to tell him that you killed your own sister?)

   “Ugh…I,I…no. It wasn’t…intentional.”

(Hah, enough about that.)

   “Dad…I, Phii Fah is really good to me, can I stay with Phii Fah a little longer…please?”

(…)

   “If I tell…if he tells the truth, if I don’t lie…can I stay with Phii Fah?”

(Do you want to be his burden?)

   “…”

(Go wherever you want, but don’t be a burden. Look what happened to Fan after she tried to take care of you all this time, huh? What you gave back to Fan was death, wasn’t it?!)

   I quickly hung up because I didn’t want to listen anymore. I’ve heard words like this from Dad many times, and each time, it hurt me deeply. I knelt on the floor because I couldn’t stand anymore, my hands tightly covering my mouth to stifle my sobs, tears streaming down incessantly.

“Ugh…uh, sob, uh…”

I couldn’t take it anymore, my hands and legs felt numb, my chest ached so much I wanted this suffering to stop. I couldn’t bear it.

   I…you might not love me. Even if you don’t love me, but…but please, just be a little kind to me, just a little, see me, smile at me. That’s all…    It took me a while to pull myself together, looking at my not-so-great reflection in the mirror, with red eyes and nose, swollen eyelids. No matter what, it was clear I had been crying. I soaked in hot water for a long time, hoping it would help.

   When I walked out of the bathroom, there was a small space for changing just outside the bathroom door. I saw a large t-shirt and some elastic-waisted long pants, probably what Phii Fah had prepared for me.

   I put on the oversized shirt and the long pants, tightening the elastic to fit my waist, and rolled up the pants because they were too long, before stepping out.

   “Let’s eat,” Phii Fah, sitting on the sofa, turned to tell me, with a few dishes set on the table.

“Yes, did you make this, Phii Fah?”

“No, it’s just frozen food,” Phii Fah said. I went to sit on the small sofa beside him, “Phii Fah isn’t very good at cooking, how about

Phoon, can you cook?”

“Well…a little, but not well.”

“That’s good, you can make breakfast then.”

“…Maybe not,” I said softly, unsure. I used to help Fan cook often, but I wasn’t that skilled. If it turns out not to be tasty or if it makes Phii Fah sick, it would be terrible.

“Why not?”

“I’m not confident it will turn out well.”

“Have some confidence in yourself. I will help,” Phii Fah said with a slight smile that somehow warmed my heart.

“Yes, thank you.”

“No need to thank me, let’s eat.”

“Okay,” I nodded before starting to eat the food in front of me. Outside, the rain was still pouring down heavily. Phii Fah said he would prefer to avoid frozen food if possible, wanting to take me out to eat instead, but because of the heavy rain, getting sick would be bad.

   It’s just…too much kindness, really.

   But because it’s from Tonfah, it’s not surprising.

   “Oh, Phoon.”

“Yes?”

“Fan hasn’t replied to my LINE at all, even though I took the trouble to send her photos as a report.”

“Photos?”

“Yes, from today’s outing. I sent photos to Fan to see, thinking she would be worried about you.”

“Oh…”

“That’s strange. Normally, if it’s about you, Fan would be interested right away.”

“She might not be free,” I said, clenching my lips to hold back tears because I had just cried about Fan, and hearing this made my chest tighten in a way I couldn’t describe.

“Phoon.”

“Huh, yes?” I quickly looked up, realizing I had been looking down quietly in an unusual way.

“Tomorrow, after handling the dorm transfer, shall we go buy some plants?”    “Buy plants?”

“Yes, you like plants, don’t you?”

“I do…yes, will you take me?”

“Yes, and we’ll also look into information about the new dorm, find a place with lots of space to plant many trees,” Phii Fah said while taking out the trash. I helped by clearing the empty plates from the table.

“Yes,” I nodded.

“Can I ask why you like plants?”

“Uh…they make me feel at ease, I guess.”

“Then that’s good, Phii Fah can buy some for you.”

“You’ll buy plants for me?”

“Yes, but make sure to take good care of them, every single one.”

“Yes, I will take good care of them.”

I promised confidently. I always look after every plant I grow well because I love them dearly. If the new dorm has a lot of space for planting, that would be great.

“Between plants and the sky, which do you like more?”    “Uh…” I was silent for a moment with the question Phii Fah suddenly asked, “Why ask?”

“Just asking.”

“The sky,” I answered because no matter what, I still love the sky the most.

“Because the sky is beautiful?”

“Yes.”

“It can touch the trees, it provides shelter, it makes you feel at ease.”

“…”

“But the sky…you can’t touch it, can you?”

“Yes, that’s true,” I agreed before Phii Fah went to take a shower. I decided I would sleep on the sofa tonight, so I took the liberty of grabbing a blanket that was folded on the shelf.

I mustn’t disturb Phii Fah…

“Are you going to sleep on the sofa?” Phii Fah, who had just finished his shower, came out and asked me while I was still damp. I stared blankly at the sight in front of me before quickly turning away.

This isn’t good…Phoon, this isn’t good.

My heart almost skipped a beat.

“Yes.”

“You’d be more comfortable in the bed.”

“No, the owner of the room should sleep in the bed.”

“It’s fine.”

“Let me sleep on the sofa,” I said with a worried look towards him.

Phii Fah let out a small sigh before allowing me to sleep on the sofa.

“If you need anything, just knock on the door.”    “Goodnight,” I said.

“Goodnight.”

   I gave a slight smile to the person who was about to open the door, watching as the bedroom door closed shut. Phii Fah’s words about goodnight helped me a lot; at least tonight, I might sleep more comfortably than usual.

   But the sound of the rain made me not want to sleep. I went to sit in the same hanging chair and gazed out the window again. Right…I haven’t written a letter to Fan tonight; if I don’t write, it would feel bad, like something is missing.

   I sat hugging my knees, watching the rain outside, the faint scent of Phii Fah on the shirt comforting me.

   If it’s like what Dad said…if I am really a burden. I don’t want to be like that. Thinking about it, I’ve never done anything for Phii Fah; it’s always been Phii Fah doing things for me. I might feel better when I’m with Phii Fah, but what about Phii Fah, does he feel better with me, or am I just tiring him out, making things more difficult?

   I feel so bad…

   I continued to sit, lost in thought, with a dim light from the table lamp in the room. Almost an hour had passed, and Phii Fah must have gone to sleep by now. I raised my hand to gently wipe my tears; I’ve never liked being like this, but I don’t know how to pull myself back up.

   If possible, I’d like to smile more, laugh, and be happy without having to pray for it.

   Fan…what should I do?

   Why can’t I ever find my own way?

   After a while, I heard the sound of the bedroom door opening; turning to look, I saw Phii Fah walking out. When he saw me sitting there, he looked slightly surprised.

   “Still not asleep?”

“Uh…yes. It’s just not my usual bedtime.”

“Hmm. What time do you usually go to sleep?”

“Normally…I sleep when I’m sleepy.”

My words made Phii Fah let out a laugh.

“I see,” Phii Fah reached out to lightly ruffle my hair, in a playful way, and then walked over to sit on the sofa opposite the hanging chair where I was sitting. I lifted my hand to touch my head where Phii Fah had just touched.

…Normally, phii-nong shouldn’t do this, right?

“And are you sleepy now?”

“Not yet, what about Phii Fah, not going to sleep?”

“Just came out for some water.”

“Oh, should I get it for you?”

“hmm.”

“Is there something wrong?” I raised an eyebrow in confusion when Phii Fah seemed surprised.

“The way you refer to yourself.”

“…?”

“Sometimes you say ‘I,’ other times you use your name.”

“Uh…is that strange?”

“Not at all. It just feels like when you refer to yourself as Phoon, it’s like the old days.”

“Oh…” I fell silent for a moment before saying what came to mind,

“And Phii Fah…you do the same.”

“Hmm?”

“Referring to yourself as Phii Fah…like in the old days.”

“Ah…yes.”

“Is this how you normally refer to yourself?”

“No.”

“…”

“I only speak like this with you Phoon.”

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME  

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 4: How Have You Been

   I spent the entire day today organizing my room. After committing the most unforgivable act, I chose to forget about it for a while to regain my composure. The chaotic time helped me stop thinking about it somewhat. I wanted the space on the balcony for planting more than anything, so I decided to get rid of some things. The reason I have more belongings than the average dorm resident is that all my stuff was sent here.

That house won’t exist anymore. I heard Dad say he would handle many things, and when ready, he would sell it immediately. It’s no longer needed for the place we once called home.

It might not have been a warm home, but it was full of memories and love, the truest and greatest love I’ve ever experienced in my life.    In about a few months from now, that house might be demolished or renovated. Another place that was evidence of my happiness will disappear, just like my secret base with Phii Fah. I planned that in the final days before Dad announces the sale of that land, I would go back to revisit my memories one last time, to say goodbye before I can’t return there anymore.

I sat down on the bed and looked at Fan’s phone in my hand. I haven’t replied to Phii Fah’s LINE since this morning. I didn’t even say where I was going. I don’t think what I did was right; it was wrong…and extremely selfish.

But at least, for now…can I be selfish? Can I just cling to the little happiness that’s left? Lying is bad, but that doesn’t mean telling the truth would be any better, especially if in the end, the result is that I lose him anyway.

   Just for now. Just for this fleeting moment.

   Can I not let it go…yet?

   Phii Fah might not know. I know he might not understand. I gave up hoping that others would understand a long time ago, but I understand why everyone might hate or be angry with me because I

still hate myself, and if I were someone else, I’d probably look at Phoon with disappointment too.

   I will tell the truth. I promise. I know lies can’t last forever, how long can I keep this hidden from Phii Fah?

   I just want to ask for a bit more time, just a little more time for me to…

   Be ready to shatter…

   I think it’s still good to feel scared, to try to hold it together. If I reach the point where I’m ready to let everything fall apart, because there’s nothing left for me to lose…

   That would be even more terrifying…

   I decided to open LINE on Fan’s phone, there were unread messages, those were from Phii Fah.

Tf: Doing well.

   Tf: Can I ask you something?

   Seeing those messages made me feel uneasy.

   Torfan✿: Sure, what’s up?

   Tf: I was just surprised that you let Phoon come to study here alone.

   Torfan✿: Oh, he should be fine.

   Tf: It’s not.

   Tf: Phoon doesn’t look okay at all, did something happen?

   Torfan✿: Nothing’s wrong, why would you think that?

   Tf: No reason, then probably nothing.

   Tf: Maybe I’m just overthinking.

   Torfan✿: Overthinking about what?

   Tf: Just worried, after all, Phoon is our younger brother.

   Tf: I heard he’s studying veterinary medicine too, right?

   Torfan✿: Yes, yes.

   Tf: Did he choose it himself?

   Torfan✿: Uh-huh, why?

   Tf: No reason. Nothing.

And I didn’t know how to respond anymore, thinking that being Fan might allow me to ask Phii Fah more than I could as Phoon, but at the same time, guilt filled my chest.

Torfan✿: Do you think he isn’t suited for veterinary medicine? lol

   Tf: Not that, but I think he might not be very happy studying it.

   Tf: Because he doesn’t like it.

   Tf: he deserves to be happier.

   Torfan✿: Is that what you think?

   Tf: Yeah, everyone deserves to be happy.

   Torfan✿: LOL, that’s true, but Phoon has already chosen.

   Torfan✿: Let Phoon choose for himself.

   Tf: Okay.    Torfan✿: Fah    Tf: What?

   Torfan✿: I want to ask for something.

   Torfan✿: Can I?

   Tf: What is it?

   Torfan✿: Could you look at the sky for Phoon?

   Tf: Hmm, look at the sky?

   Tf: How?

   Torfan✿: Just tell what the sky looks like that you sees today.

Torfan✿: That’s enough.

   Tf: Tell Phoon what the sky looks like today?

   Torfan✿: Yes.

   Tf: Why?

   Torfan✿: Phoon wants to know what your sky looks like each day.

   Torfan✿: Fah

   Tf: It’s okay, I guess.

   Tf: Then why doesn’t he tell us himself?

   Torfan✿: Maybe Phoon isn’t very brave.

   Tf: Oh, I thought Phoon didn’t really want to talk to me.

   Torfan✿: No, he wants to talk. 

   Torfan✿: He really wants to talk.

   Tf: Really?

   Tf: That’s good then.

   Torfan✿: Talk to Phoon a lot, okay?

   Tf: Alright.

   Tf: I want to take Phoon sightseeing when I’m free.

   Tf: Would you allow that?

   Torfan✿: Sure, take Phoon out a lot.

   Tf: Do you trust me to take Phoon out?

   Tf: You used to be very protective.

Torfan✿: It’s fine.

   Torfan✿: If it’s with Fah, Phoon would want to go anywhere.

   Torfan✿: Even to Mars, if you takes him.

   Tf: Mars might be a bit too far, lol.

   Tf: Okay, I’ll get going then.

   Tf: Talk later.

   Torfan✿: Okay, talk later.

   I smiled secretly at the message that appeared on my phone’s screen. That’s all I needed, really. If I thought of myself as Fan, it would be better than being Phoon because if I were myself, I probably wouldn’t dare to ask Phii Fah to take me out or to talk a lot. Definitely.    Sorry, Fan, it’s not good for you, but me…please, just let me stay like this a little longer.

After a while, my phone notification popped up, and seeing the name of the chat owner made me smile even wider. It was Phii Fah sending a LINE message.

Tf: sends a picture    Tf: The sky today is clear.

   Tf: How’s the sky over there?

   -dust-: sends a picture

   -dust-: Today the sky is brighter than usual.

   I took the liberty to save the picture he sent and posted it on my personal Instagram. Normally, I take pictures of the sky every day and post them on Instagram as a way to document each day’s sky, but today was a bit different because the sky photo I posted was from Phii Fah’s perspective.

And I captioned it, “Under the same sky, :)”

Even if our views differ, we’re still under the same sky.    I looked out the window. It was quite late now. I wanted to talk more with Phii Fah, but I didn’t know what to start with. Then, seeing the hyacinth on the table reminded me.

-dust-: How are the hyacinths doing?

   Tf: They’re good.

   Tf: They smell nice.

   -dust-: Oh, I see.

   -dust-: What are you doing?

   Tf: I have some errands. I’ll excuse myself for now.

   -dust-: Okay.

   I only replied with that, and then the other person really disappeared from the chat. I put my phone down and turned to do something else. I should probably study; if I want to be a doctor, I need to be more dedicated and try harder, so I went downstairs to get something to eat first. I didn’t want to walk far, so I just stopped by the 7-Eleven below the dormitory. When I came out, I noticed there was a weight scale. I haven’t weighed myself in a while; might as well give it a try.    My weight has gone down…it’s gone down again. In reality, it’s not a good thing because I don’t eat much. I lack appetite, so my weight is well below average. Once, I fainted, and the doctor advised me to eat more regular meals and nutritious food, otherwise, I’d end up malnourished, which I probably am now.

I looked at the bun and the carton of milk in the bag I was holding; was this all I was going to eat today, aside from the meal I had with Phii Fah? What can I do? I’m not hungry, I eat little, and I sleep little; this is truly damaging my health.

I went back upstairs to eat the bun with milk, then spent several hours studying. When I thought I had studied enough, I started writing a letter to Fan, recounting everything that had happened as usual. This is my daily routine.

I’ve thought about it many times, wondering what it would be like if Fan were still alive. And if Fan knew that I’m not really her brother, would she still love me the same way?

I can’t answer that myself. Fan loved me because I was her brother, right? If she knew the truth, that I’m just a child from an affair, I can’t imagine what Fan would do. But I still want to believe in myself that Fan would still be by my side, no matter what happens, just as Fan once said. In the end, no matter which path I decide to take, Fan would always be there for me.

As bedtime approached, I took out my phone again to check if Phii Fah would tell me when he’s done with his errands. Probably not, it’s almost 9 PM, and there’s no sign of him.

He’s not someone I chat with…

I decided to text Phii Fah again, at least I wanted to tell Fan good night.

-dust-: Are you free?

   -dust-: I wanted to ask about the sightseeing you mentioned.    I tried starting with a question first. Phii Fah had said in Fan’s chat that he would take me out. At least, I should know where or when we’re going. I sent the message about ten minutes ago before the other party read it.

Tf: Oh, do you want to go somewhere special?

   -dust-: Not really, no special place in mind.

   Tf: Then, what kind of place do you like?

   Tf: So I can try to look for one.

   -dust-: Watching a movie.

   -dust-: Is that okay?

   I hesitated for a long time before typing and sending that message. Actually, I wanted to go somewhere in nature, but I thought going to the cinema together might be better. I haven’t been to the movies in a long time either.

Tf: Sure.

   Tf: Tomorrow?

   -dust-: Yes.

   Tf: Then, check the movie times.

   Tf: I’ll pick you up tomorrow.

   Tf: Goodnight

   -dust-: goodnight.

   I don’t know if I’m imagining it, but Phii Fah seemed in a hurry, or maybe just eager to say goodnight even while we were still discussing the movie. We should have talked about what movie we want to see, but okay, he must really be busy, or maybe…he just doesn’t want to talk to me that much.

   I walked over to turn off the lights in the room, leaving only the bedside lamp on. Will I sleep as comfortably as last night? Probably not, it’s not like last night at all. If I could hold hands…no, asking to hold hands might be too much.

   If I could just hear him say goodnight…that would be nice.    I spent nearly an hour tossing and turning in bed but still couldn’t sleep. I was hesitant to bother Phii Fah, as he had made it clear he wasn’t available to chat.

   Okay…it’s fine, I got pictures of the sky from him today. What more could you want, Phoon? It’s time to sleep.

   Anyway…I hope I sleep well tonight.

   I hope tomorrow will be as bright as always.

   “You look tired again,” was the first thing Phii Fah said when I got into the car. I gave him a dry smile.

“Really?”

“Can’t sleep again?”

“Just a little…”

“And did you sleep well when you stayed over at Phii Fah’s place?”    “I slept well.”

“Then if you can’t sleep, you can come to sleep at Phii Fah’s place again.”

“…” I looked at the person in the driver’s seat, confused. Was he being serious or just joking? If all it takes is not being able to sleep to go stay over, isn’t that too kind? But Phii Fah didn’t turn to look at me, his eyes were fixed on the road ahead.

“If you keep not sleeping like this, it will be bad for you.”

“Oh…yes.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“A long time.”

“Have you tried seeing a doctor?”

“Well…I have.”

“And it didn’t get better?”

“Uh…” I fell silent because I didn’t know what to say. As I mentioned, I had seen a doctor. I could sleep, but then Fan would have nightmares, so I stopped taking the medication because I didn’t want to sleep much, “It got better.”    “But you’re still not sleeping well?”

“More or less like that.”

“Have you ever consulted a doctor about your fear of the dark and confined spaces? Phii Fah thinks it has quite an impact. If you sleep with the light on, it prevents deep sleep, didn’t Phii Fah tell you that before?” Phii Fah said while still looking straight at the road, his voice gentle and calm, as if explaining a lesson.

“I haven’t for that,” I answered honestly. I’ve never consulted a doctor about my fear of the dark, just about insomnia.

“Want to give it a try?I will take you.”

“Uh…not yet…it’s better not to now,” I said softly. It might help if I went, but I don’t think now is the time.    “Okay,” Phii Fah said, “Have you eaten yet?”

“Yes, I have.”

“Hmm?”

“…” I turned to look at the person beside me again when he made a sound like he didn’t believe me. Phii Fah also looked at me,

“Why…what’s up?”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“…”

“You haven’t eaten yet, have you?”    “Uh…the truth is…no,” I admitted.

“When we ate together before, you ate very little. Are you feeling unwell?”

“No.”

“Is it normal for you to eat so little?”

“Something like that,” I answered, turning to look out the window to hide my nervousness. The fact that Phii Fah could see through me so easily…it made me feel an indescribable fear. Soon, the car stopped in front of a restaurant.

I followed Phii Fah into the restaurant, feeling tense. I’m not used to such fancy places, and to be honest, this is the first time Phii Fah has taken me to such a luxurious restaurant. Before, it was places that were nice but not this upscale.

“I think we should come to an agreement.”

“Huh?” I looked at the person sitting across from me, confused. Phii Fah raised his hand to his chin and gave me a slight smile, “What’s agreed upon?”

“You have to eat everything Phii Fah buys, in exchange for sightseeing trips. Agreed?”

“Eat?”    “Yes.”

“Why do I have to eat?”

“To change the habit of not eating anything, that’s why.”

“But…”

“I don’t take people out for free, it’s an exchange.”

“…”

I fell silent because I didn’t know how to respond. Even though we agreed to this, I couldn’t see what Phii Fah would gain from it, but I had to agree because I couldn’t find a reason to refuse, “Okay.”    “Good,” Phii Fah said with a smile, “Then let’s start with finishing this.”

I glanced at the dishes laid out in front of me. Since this was a fancy restaurant, each menu item was expensive, and Phii Fah had ordered everything. It wasn’t much for a normal person, but it was a lot for me.

“I can’t eat all this.”

“Finish it.”

I had to eat everything according to his command. It seemed Phii Fah was serious about it. By the time I was halfway through, I was already full. This might be the first time in years that I’ve eaten an entire plate of food.

   “Not pushing the vegetables away anymore?” Phii Fah asked.

“Uh, well…no.”

“That’s good.”

I nodded; Phii Fah remembered that I don’t like vegetables. I still don’t like them, but I could manage to eat them. After finishing, I felt a bit bloated. I hadn’t eaten this much in a long time.

“What time is the movie?”

“Uh…I haven’t checked the times yet,” I said. I actually had checked, but since I wasn’t sure what time Phii Fah would pick me up or which movie we should watch, I decided to ask him instead, “I don’t know what to watch.”

“Hmm, you invited Phii Fah to watch but didn’t decide on a movie?”    “Well…” I spoke quietly and fell silent, feeling like I was being scolded for inviting him without planning what to watch, “Does Phii

Fah want to watch anything in particular?”

“No, it’s up to you.”

“Uh…then we can check when we get to the cinema.”

“Alright.”

Eventually, we arrived at a large shopping mall, one I’ve never been to before. If I had come alone, I definitely wouldn’t have made it through a mall this big. I followed Phii Fah until we stopped at a bingsu shop. Phii Fah asked if I wanted to try it, I said it was okay, but he ended up taking me inside.

I ordered what I thought I would like the most, and after a while, the staff brought it over.

“Please eat it all, okay?”

Must I be forced to eat sweets too…

“Aren’t you going to eat?”

Phii Fah shook his head slightly.

“It’s fine, you eat.”

“Don’t you like sweets?”

“Not really, but it’s better if you eat.”

“Let’s eat together, I can’t finish it alone.” I said, offering another spoon to the person sitting across from me. Ever since we walked in, people have been looking our way. Phii Fah must be used to it by now, going anywhere with people staring.

Phii Fah took the spoon, and we sat eating the dessert together.

This…is nice.

I don’t particularly like sweets that much, but like this…it’s not bad at all.

Once we agreed on which movie to watch, we went to see it. I was very excited to watch a movie with Phii Fah. During the movie, I wasn’t as focused on it as I should have been, and when I felt cold, I gently rubbed my arms.

“Are you cold?” Phii Fah whispered. I nodded in response before he took off his long-sleeved shirt and handed it to me.

“Thank you,” I said, accepting it.

He’s still the person who usually gives me his jacket when I’m cold…

“Still as sensitive to the cold as ever,” Phii Fah said softly, looking at me while I was wrapping myself in his shirt, “Carrying a jacket would be a good idea.”

“Yes.”

But if I carried my own jacket…that would be better, because if possible, he probably wouldn’t want to keep giving me his jacket all the time.

When the movie ended, as we walked out of the theater, I returned his jacket. Phii Fah took it back and put it on.    “Are you hungry?” Phii Fah turned to ask me.

“Not yet,” I shook my head; the food from lunch was still sitting heavy in my stomach.

“Do you want to head back or go somewhere else?”

“Uh…” I fell silent while thinking. I didn’t want to go back yet; I wanted to stay with him a bit longer, “Can we…go sightseeing a bit more?”

“Okay,” Phii Fah replied, “Where do you want to go?”

“Take photos.”

“Hmm?”

“Anywhere is fine, but I want to take photos,” I said. Today, I hadn’t taken any sky photos yet, and if I went back to my room, I’d just take the same old shots. If possible, I wanted to capture different angles.

“How about a temple? There are some good spots for views.”

“Okay.”

Then, I sat in Phii Fah’s car as we drove. I gazed out the window, lost in thought. We didn’t talk much, but I felt some of the tension had eased. Maybe I was getting used to being around Phii Fah.    The place we were going to was quite far, it took a while to get there, plus there was evening traffic. When we arrived, I felt unfamiliar with the place I’d never been to before, so I quickly raised my camera to capture different angles. I bought flowers to offer to the Buddha. I didn’t have many prayers; wherever I go, I usually pray for the same things: for Fan to be happy, for me to be happy, and for the people I love to be happy.

   I secretly glanced at the person next to me, who was also praying.

   I wonder…what does Phii Fah pray for?

   We reached the viewpoint Phii Fah had mentioned, a wide open area with a reclining Buddha statue on the side. It was already quite late, so there were only a few people around, and importantly, the cool breeze made it feel colder.

   I raised my camera to take a photo of the sky visible now; it was beautiful. From this angle, you could see the city below, lights shining all over, and the sun was about to set, but we’d have to wait a bit longer for the sky to change color.

   “Why do you like looking at the sky so much?”

Phii Fah asked while coming to lean against the wall next to me.

“Well…there’s no special reason.”

“Fan said you wanted me to look at the sky with him, why?” Phii

Fah asked again, and it was a question I hadn’t prepared an answer for.

“Uh…just wanted you to try looking at it.”

“Hmm,” Phii Fah seemed slightly puzzled before looking up at the sky in the same direction I was looking. The image of the person beside me right now was more captivating than the sky itself, with the black hair fluttering in the wind.

No…how can it be more captivating?

When you’ve been my only sky from the beginning.

“Can I take a photo?”

“Of me?”

“Yes.”

“Sure.”

I stepped back, Phii Fah leaned against the wall with the view of Chiang Mai city behind him, offering a small smile to the camera. Even though the wind was strong from the opposite direction, this angle made Phii Fah look very good. It didn’t take long to find the right angle; I quickly took several shots.

The view through the lens right now…it could take your breath away.

After finishing the photoshoot, I lowered the camera. I had captured the most beautiful sky picture…

“Thank you,” I said, expressing my gratitude before walking back to stand next to Phii Fah as usual, “Thank you for taking me out sightseeing.”

“Thank you for eating everything.”

“Huh?” I turned abruptly to him, seeing Phii Fah smiling in amusement. I couldn’t help but laugh, “Really?”

“Of course, why?”

“It sounds weird, thanking me for finishing my meal,” I said.    “It’s not weird. Eating a lot is good. Otherwise, your health would suffer,” Phii Fah said, “You used to be a chubby kid, now you’re too skinny.”

“Chubby kid? What chubby kid?”

“A chubby kid who loved stealing snacks.”

“Don’t tease,” I said, making a slightly grumpy face. That was true when I was younger. I never thought I would lose my appetite like this when I grew up, “I’m not like that anymore.”

“Hmm…that’s true.”    Then silence fell between us.

“Phii Fah,” I called out.

“Yes?”

“Do you…want to play a game with me?”

“What kind of game?”

“Let’s take turns asking one question each.”

“And if it’s a question you don’t want to answer?” Phii Fah asked back, which made me pause for a moment.

“It’s okay, you can answer what you’re comfortable with,” I said.

“Okay. Who goes first?”

“I want to ask…” I decided to speak first. In truth, I had many questions about what Phii Fah had been up to during the time we didn’t see each other, and I wanted to play this game because I wanted Phii Fah to ask about me too. I wanted someone to be interested in hearing my stories, not just writing unsent letters, “Phii Fah…how was it during high school?”

“A more general question than I thought,” Phii Fah said softly, “Phii Fah studied at a school around here. Nothing special, just an average student.”

“Really average?”

“Okay, it’s my turn to ask…How were you during high school?”

“Well…I was a bit stubborn, but I tried,” I answered, “What about friends from high school?”

“We were pretty close, did some traveling together, and learned a lot from each other. How about you, how were your high school friends?”    “I learned a lot from them too,” I said, recalling how I once hung out with not-so-good friends. When I distanced myself from them, they started to tease me, which was also a lesson, “What about your friends now?”

My question made Phii Fah let out a small laugh.

“They’re crazy, really crazy, they’re people I never thought I’d meet, gathered together, it’s quite a headache,” Phii Fah said. I raised my eyebrows slightly in surprise, “you don’t have friends here yet, right?”    “Yes,” I nodded, “But I hope to meet good friends.” I said what I was thinking, because I had been bullied before, so I hoped to meet some good friends. They don’t have to be overly kind to me, just not to abandon me would be enough.

“You will definitely meet them,” said the person beside me with a warm tone.

“How about your studies?”

“Which period?”

“Every period, from high school until now, how was it?”

“It was good, steady. And how about Phoon, how are your studies?” “Uh…average, I guess, passed some, failed some, but Phoon has topped the class quite often,” I said proudly, it was something I wanted to boast about to someone, but since Fan isn’t here to listen anymore, I hadn’t had anyone to brag to.

“You’re very good.”

“Is studying medicine hard?”

“Hmm, it’s hard. I am trying to adapt.”

“Phii Fah, you can definitely do it,” I said softly. Phii Fah can do it, but if even he has to adapt, can I manage?

“How’s Gold doing?”

“Uh…it passed away,” I said, looking down, feeling guilty. Golden was the cat we took care of together. I furrowed my brows, worried that Phii Fah might be mad since I was the one who wanted to keep it in the first place, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, it was old.”

“…”

“Some things don’t need an apology. you aren’t at fault at all.”

“Yes…”

I fell silent for a moment to gather my thoughts before quickly thinking of another question to ask Phii Fah.

“And Phii Fah…do you like the sky?”

“Hmm…not really, but you like it, right?”

“Yes.”

“But some days the sky isn’t beautiful.”

“Why do you think that?” I asked.

“Some days it’s dark, and it rains,” Phii Fah said.

“It’s just crying…on some days, but the sky after the rain will be bright,” I said. I like it when it rains; it makes me feel that even the sky can cry sometimes.

“You look at the sky in such a positive way.”

“…”

“When it rains, there’s thunder. you are afraid of thunder, aren’t you?”

“Uh…yes.”

His words left me speechless again. Yes…I’ve been afraid of thunder since I was a child because of the loud noise. I don’t like loud noises, and it’s dangerous too.

“It’s your turn to ask, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“Hmm…I don’t know what else to ask, so you can ask.”    “Uh…” I secretly frowned a bit when he said he didn’t want to ask anything else. That meant he wasn’t interested in knowing more about me, “Can I ask something that’s…uh, a bit personal?”

“Hmm,” Phii Fah raised his eyebrows, surprised by my words, “Go ahead.”

“Right now…is Phii Fah dating anyone?”

“Ah, that’s not really that personal of a question.”

“…Yes.”

“No, I’m not dating anyone.”

…Phii Fah isn’t dating anyone right now.

   “That’s surprising,” I muttered softly, thinking that someone like

Phii Fah, who everyone seems to like, would at least have someone,

“What about someone you’re talking to?”

“Well…no.”

“Oh…”

“Think it’s strange?” Phii Fah asked me in return. I nodded to answer, “It’s not that strange. It’s just that love seems quite distant.”

“How so?”

“It might be a boring story, do you want to know?”

“Yes.”

“I dated someone back in high school.”

“…”

“At first, there wasn’t anything wrong, but after dating for a while, I realized love is complicated. In the end, we had issues and had to break up, and since then, love hasn’t been something I look for much.”

“Oh…that’s how it is.”

I bit my lip to contain the emotions swelling in my chest. Phii Fah had a girlfriend before, and after that, he didn’t look for love. He’s not interested in love like that, huh…

“Why did you break up? Can I ask?”

“Hmm…maybe we just didn’t understand each other.”

“Do you still love her?”

“Don’t know, I’m not sure about that either.”

“…”

“When looking at the sky like this, it makes me think,” Phii Fah said while still looking up at the brick-red sky, “She once said Phii Fah was like her sky.”

“…”

“Every time I look, I think of her.”

“…”

“But Phii Fah…I don’t think I can be anyone’s sky, can’t be the sky for anyone.”

“Oh…”

So, you can’t be the sky for Phoon either, huh.

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

  SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 3: Torfun

   Those eyes…full of disappointment.

   I looked down to avoid the gaze, my chest hurting so much I could barely breathe, both hands clenched and numb. I tried to keep my lips tight to hold back the sobs.

   Please…don’t look at me with those eyes, can you?

   Please, I beg you.

   “So…you lied, didn’t you?”

   “…”

   “It’s not good, both what you did and lying to me too.”

   “Hic…”

   “Is there anything else you’ve been lying to me about?”

   “…”

   I had no answer, no words, letting tears drip down onto my hands uncontrollably, overwhelmed by fears I couldn’t handle.

   Phii Fah knows…

   “Going out to drink at night, huh? I can’t remember you being that kind of naughty child when we were young. I thought me and Fan had always taught you to be a good kid.”

   “…”

   “To be honest, I’m disappointed.”

   “…”

   “Phoon, you hurt everyone’s feelings, especially Fan’s. If you hadn’t gone out that day, none of this would have happened. Do you know that you’re at fault?”

   “…Yes.”

   “Also…I don’t like liars.”

   “…”

   “And I can’t forgive someone who hurt Fan.”

   !!!

   “I’m sorry…sir.”

   I woke up in the middle of the night, my body covered in sweat, my heart beating so fast it was terrifying, breathing heavily like I was out of breath, and tears still flowing.

Nightmare…I am having a nightmare again.

   I slowly hugged myself with my cold hands to stop the shaking, wiping my tears roughly, but recalling the nightmare about Fan made me sob uncontrollably again.

   It’s okay, Phoon…it was just a nightmare. Just having a nightmare.

   Phii Fah…didn’t say those things.

   I didn’t mean it like that.

   “Ugh…sob” I buried my face in the blanket and cried out. This was the first time I had such a nightmare; before, it was just repeating stories, but this time in the dream I was told by Phii Fah…that he was disappointed in me…and probably couldn’t forgive me.

My hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I always get like this when I have a nightmare so bad it wakes me up; my whole body is covered in sweat, and it takes a while to regain my composure.

But…

I just realized everything around me was dark, and when I found myself in the midst of darkness, I started shaking even more.

I’m afraid of the dark…

Every time I go to sleep, I must keep a light on; I’ve been sleeping with a light on since I was a child. If I’m alone in the dark, it causes me panic and I can’t control my mind.    No, no…my phone, where is my phone?

Why won’t the lamp turn on, come to think of it, the air conditioner…

The power’s out…

I felt around for my phone on the bedside and found it, quickly turning on the flashlight. At least there was some light. Normally, I would have a flashlight or candles in my room for such power outages, but since I just moved into the dorm, I hadn’t prepared them yet.

It must be because of the power outage, my phone only charged a little.

The battery is going to die, what should I do?

I slowly moved to get out of bed, and I fell when trying to stand up because my legs had no strength.

“Mrs. Nuannoi.”

“…”

Ah, I’m not at home, I forgot. Normally, in emergencies like this, I would call for the housekeeper, but now I’m alone with no one to help.    I sat on the floor for nearly three minutes before I could manage to stand up, stepping out to crack the door open, only to find everything was pitch black. Initially, I thought if there were some lights on, I’d go down to the convenience store at the bottom of the dorm, but with no lights at all like this, there’s no way I’d dare to go anywhere.

   Or should I turn on the flashlight and quickly run downstairs?

   No. I can’t, it’s too dark.

   I’m not afraid of ghosts or anything like that. I’m just afraid of the dark. I feel suffocated and can’t breathe because of bad memories associated with it, especially if it’s dark and cramped. I almost feel like passing out, like I am now…

   What should I do?

   All I could do was open the window to let some air in, but I didn’t dare move around much because it was completely dark. What should I do at a time like this?

   I checked the time on my phone. It’s a little after eight in the evening. After buying the hyacinth with Phii Fah, he dropped me off at the dorm. We didn’t talk much or discuss telling Fan about it, and being tired, I dozed off around ten.

   Phii Fah…

   Although I didn’t want to disturb him, I didn’t know what else to do.

I decided to open LINE and send a message to Phii Fah.

   -dust-: Phii Fah

   -dust-: Are you free to talk?

   No response. Not even read, maybe he’s not available.

Ah…that’s right, Mona said she would call, this time is suitable for a call, so Phii Fah probably isn’t available to talk to me.

Or should I try to borrow a candle or flashlight from the next room?

That might be good, they might have one.

And while I was pondering this…

Tf: Is there something wrong?

   -dust-: The lights in my dorm are out.

   Tf: Okay.

   And then…what should I do next? Phii Fah didn’t respond further, seemingly waiting for me to continue. Right, what should I ask him to help with?

-dust-: So…uh. I don’t have candles or a flashlight.

   -dust-: The battery is almost dead.

   -dust-: I’m scared.

   Tf: Oh, still afraid of the dark?

   -dust-: Yes.

   Tf: How much battery do you have left?

   -dust-: 15%.

   Incoming call from: Tf.

   I was slightly startled when Phii Fah suddenly called.

“Yes,” I answered with a trembling voice.

(What room are you in?)

“Yes? Uh, 302.”

(Then, Phii Fah will come to pick you up, keep the line open, okay?)

“Yes.”

And then Phii Fah’s voice went silent, turning into sounds of halfwalking, half-running, then into the sound of starting a car and the engine moving. Phii Fah was coming to get me.

While waiting alone in the completely dark room, I was so scared I was about to lose my mind, but seeing that my phone screen was still connected to someone, and knowing he was on the other end, made me feel a bit comforted.

At least, there’s still Phii Fah.

Like there always has been…

   “No, Dad, no, I am scared, I am sorry.”

   My childhood self, I can’t remember how old I was, but I clearly remember it was a Saturday when no one was home except Dad. Mom had taken Fan out since morning. I was lonely with no one to play with, so I snuck into Dad’s study and accidentally broke a vase.    Dad, seeing this, got angry, dragged me by my wrist forcefully out of the house. I tried my hardest to resist, my face smeared with tears from guilt and fear.

   “Dad, I am hurt.”

   “How many times have I told you not to come into the study!” Dad yelled at me, his large hand grabbing my ear.

   “Ouch, it hurts, it hurts, I am sorry. I won’t do it again, please,” I tried to say to make him let go, before he dragged me out to the storage room outside the house, “No, I am scared, I don’t want to go in.”

   “Go in! So you’ll learn your lesson!” And Dad pushed me into the storage room. The last image I saw was his angry, fearsome face before the light slowly faded as the door closed. I heard the lock click, which made me even more upset.

   “Dad! Dad! No, I am scared, please let me out, I’m sorry,” I cried out, my little hands pounding on the storage room door with all my might.

But there was no reply anymore.

   No…

   Dad…I’m really scared.

   Dad…

   “Hic, hoo, hoo,” I started crying harder, unable to bear the darkness inside anymore, the pitch-black, damp, and cramped storage room where I could barely breathe.

   I started to fear the dark and confined spaces since Dad locked me in the storage room. Last time, I was locked in here almost the whole day.

   The darkness was terrifying in my childhood memories. I didn’t know what was in that darkness. I didn’t know if something would come out to hurt me. I felt suffocated. I was scared; it was cramped.

No light could seep in except through the tiny gap under the door.

   I was scared…

   I couldn’t breathe.

   I quickly turned and pressed my back against the wall, looking into the darkness, afraid something might be lurking there. I sat down, curling up as small as I could.

   “Hic, hic…hoo.”

   “Help…help,” I trembled with fear. Should a child of just a few years old be punished by being locked in a storage room for nearly a whole day? I sobbed and screamed at the same time.

   “Sorry, Dad…let me go, I am sorry, I won’t go into the study again.” “Dad…Dad, I am sorry, I didn’t mean to break the vase.”    “Dad…Dad, please help me.”

   I shouted out, but there was no response. I hoped the butler or housekeeper would come to help me out like last time, but during this holiday, no one was around.

   No one would be here until Fan comes back.

   Fan…can you come back to me soon?

   I don’t want this anymore. No more. No. Not like this anymore, I’m sorry, I am scared…help me.

   Why…why did Mom take Fan out to play and not take me too? I wanted to play too.

   But it’s okay…Mom said I had to stay and watch the house with Dad. Otherwise, Dad would be lonely, and Fan said she would bring back some snacks. I was just afraid Dad would be lonely, so I wanted to go play.

   But I ended up breaking the vase…

   “Hiccup, sob.”

   “Phoon.”

   “Phii Fah!”

   “Are you inside?”

   “Phii Fah, help me!” I forced myself to stand up immediately upon hearing Phii Fah’s voice from outside, “Phii Fah, I am scared, I don’t want this anymore, let me out!” I banged on the door to urge the person outside to hurry and open it.

“Calm down,” before I heard the sound of unlocking the door, but the door only opened slightly, “There’s a chain, I can’t open it.”    Oh, right…the storage room outside the house has an external lock, but to prevent theft, Dad had added a chain for extra security, so even after unlocking, there’s still a chain holding it, making the door open only a little because of the chain.

   “Phii Fah, can you go talk to Dad, please let me out?” I cried out in distress, but it was a relief that I could see outside since the door was slightly ajar.

   “I saw uncle leave the house a while ago.”

   But mom said dad would be lonely without me…

   “Phii Fah…hic, hoo, I am scared, please get me out.”

   “Hold on, I will go find the key.”

   “Okay, please hurry back.”

   “Okay.”

   I saw Phii Fah run off, and almost ten minutes later, he came back panting.

   “No one’s home, and there’s no key either. Did uncle take it with him?”

   “Hic, hoo, yes, dad probably took it with him,” I cried even harder knowing I wouldn’t get out easily, “And…how did Phii Fah know where I was?”

   “I heard the noise, so I came to check.”

There’s a gate between my house and Phii Fah’s house for easy access, so we don’t have to go around to the front door, and the storage room here is close to the wall.    “Phii Fah, I am scared, I am scared, it’s dark.”

   “It’s okay, I am here now.” His gentle voice made me feel a bit better, but still, Phii Fah was outside.    “But you are outside, it’s dark in here.”

   “Reach your hand out.”

   I reached my hand out through the slightly ajar door as instructed. Phii Fah took my hand and sat down, leaning against the wall outside the storage room. So I sat down too.

   In the room full of darkness, alone amidst the silence and fear, there was one hand always there to support me.

   It might be dark, it might be scary, but I wasn’t alone.

   We sat there, holding hands through the door gap. Phii Fah sat with me for hours without leaving. We talked about various things as if nothing was wrong.

   At that moment…the darkness wasn’t scary at all.

   Since then, I’ve been afraid of that storage room, because it wasn’t just once that I was locked in there. Many times, no one came to help, and my fear of the dark became so severe that I still sleep with the light on to this day.

   When Fan found out that when she wasn’t around, I was punished like that by Dad, she pleaded for him not to do it again, but Dad did.

Perhaps because Dad didn’t want to hit me like Mom did, locking me up was less bothersome, so he wouldn’t have to see me and be annoyed.

   It…was quite cruel, the memories from childhood.

   Knock, knock.

I turned sharply towards the door upon hearing the knock.

“Phoon.”

Phii Fah…

I quickly walked over to open the door, seeing Phii Fah standing outside, with no sign of the lights coming back on in the dorm.

“Have you packed your things?”

“Huh?”

“Packed your things.”

“Why pack?”

“To stay in my room first.”

“…”

“Or maybe go outside first, wait for the power to come back then come back, but I am not really free right now.”    “Oh…okay then. I’ll go pack my things for a moment.”

“Sure.” I invited Phii Fah to sit inside while waiting, since the power outage made it hard to see. I slowly turned on the phone flashlight and went to pack my things.

Staying in Phii Fah’s room…will it really be okay, Phoon?

“Did you not buy candles or a flashlight to keep?” Phii Fah asked.

“I haven’t bought them yet.”

“It would be good to have some in your room.”

“Yes.”

“How long have you been living here?”

“Just a few days ago.”

I answered back, quickly packing my bag, but then I remembered my room…thankfully the lights were out. Otherwise, Phii Fah would have definitely seen Fan’s pictures all over the wall; that would have been too strange.

We slowly walked down the hallway and then down the stairs.

No need to hold hands like when we were kids, right?    It seems like the power is out everywhere around here, so I was right not to go down alone at first. Then we got into the car and went to Phii Fah’s dorm, which is more accurately called a condo. Walking to the elevator, I felt a bit tense because I’d never been here before, and there wasn’t much conversation between us.

We stopped at his door before he unlocked it and we went inside. Phii Fah’s place was a typical, spacious, and well-equipped condo, decorated simply without much clutter. Importantly, it was very clean, with lots of bookshelves.    “Make yourself at home.”

“Okay,” I nodded, then sat down on the sofa, not knowing what to do now that I was here.

This is Phii Fah’s place…

   “If you want to sleep, just let me know, or if you’re feeling sleepy.”    “Oh, not yet,” I said, since I had just woken up and wasn’t that sleepy yet. I glanced around the room a bit before Phii Fah handed me some milk from the fridge, “Thank you.”

“You can watch TV if you want, the bathroom is over there. I’ll excuse myself for a moment.”

“Okay,” I nodded to show I understood, watching him disappear into the bedroom. I saw there was a desk inside the bedroom, and another one outside, which didn’t surprise me much because Phii Fah likes reading.

When I said the lights at my dorm were out, he came to pick me up to stay with him.

Phii Nong…do they do this for each other?

If this is normal…then I think I need to guard my heart even more.    I looked at the carton of milk in my hand…chocolate milk. I like chocolate milk, but it must just be a coincidence. I poked a straw into the carton and drank. I didn’t dare turn on the TV because it wasn’t my place, and in that silence, I could hear sounds from the bedroom.

“Oh, I picked up my younger brother; his dorm lost power.”

“Where was I talking about again…”

Who was he talking to? It sounded like they were tutoring…it must have been Mona, I guess. From what I heard, they were tutoring when he had to come pick me up, so he had to hang up, and after picking me up, they continued their call.

   It…feels bad…but I can manage.

   I was sitting on the sofa for almost half an hour until Phii Fah came out of the bedroom, probably done with the tutoring. I looked at him.

   “Are you going to sleep yet?”

“Uh…yes.”

“Then you can sleep in the bedroom.”

“Uh, I can sleep on the sofa.”

“How can you?” Phii Fah said, “Come sleep in the bedroom, I’ll sleep outside.”    “Uh…”

“Come on.”

“Okay.” I had to get up and walk to the bedroom, not having expected to sleep together like this, and just as I thought, Phii Fah said he would sleep on the sofa.

Why…is he so kind?

“If you need anything, just call out.”

“Yes.” Before Phii Fah arranged the bed a little and walked out of the bedroom, closing the door behind him. I looked around the room in confusion. I never thought I’d sleep in Phii Fah’s room; inside, there’s almost nothing, everything is very neat and orderly.    I should be the one sleeping on the sofa. I walked out to open the door and saw Phii Fah setting up the bed by the sofa outside.

“Phii Fah.”

“Yes?” Phii Fah turned towards me when I called.

“I should sleep on the sofa. I don’t want to intrude.”

“It’s fine, the bed is more comfortable to sleep on.”

“Uh…”

I was momentarily speechless, this shouldn’t be like this, Phii Fah is the owner of the room after all.

“Well…then, we can sleep together…if that’s okay,” I decided to say, since the bed is wide enough, making the owner sleep on the sofa wouldn’t be right, and since we’re both guys, sharing a bed shouldn’t be an issue.

“It’s okay, you can have the bed.”

“…Okay.”

“Goodnight.” Phii Fah said.

“Yes, goodnight.”

I closed the bedroom door when he mentioned goodnight, placed my bag beside the desk, and he offered me the bed while he took the sofa. It showed his gentlemanly nature, and to make it clear there were no ulterior motives.

Okay…

“Phii Fah,” I opened the door again, calling out, “Thank you.”    He nodded slightly and smiled. I closed the door once more and returned to sit on the bed, which had light gray sheets and a duvet with no patterns. I lay down and caught the scent of the bed’s owner.

   When we were kids, I remembered the smell of both Phii Fah and Fan well.

   But now…I’ve forgotten those scents.

   The smell of Fan has completely faded from her bed and belongings. I took the liberty of using many of her things to keep her memory alive, like her stationery or some clothes that I could wear, including Fan’s mobile phone.

   I turned on the bedside lamp and turned off the room light, lying down, but no matter how I turned, I couldn’t sleep, probably because I wasn’t used to the bed. Almost half an hour had passed, and I still couldn’t sleep.

   Will I not sleep at all tonight…

   After a while, I heard the door open. I lifted my head to look.

   “You’re still not asleep?” Phii Fah asked, seeing I was still awake.

“Uh, yeah, I can’t sleep.”

“Is the bed uncomfortable?”    “No,” I shook my head.

“Hmm, do you need to sleep with the light on?” Phii Fah raised his eyebrows slightly in surprise before walking towards me. I got up to sit on the bed, “I thought you might be able to sleep with the lights off by now.”

“I can’t.”

“Having the light on might prevent you from sleeping deeply.”    “Yes,” I nodded, knowing that sleeping with the light on isn’t good because it prevents deep sleep, but if I turned off all the lights, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

“Want to try sleeping with the light off?”

“It’s…I can’t.”

“Try it, maybe it’ll get better.”

“I’ve tried, but I really can’t,” I said softly.

“Then I will stay with you, and you can try.” Before Phii Fah sat down on the bed next to me, “If you’re scared, you can hold my hand.”    “…” I was silent because I didn’t know what to say; was Phii Fah’s kindness going too far? I reached out and took the hand that was already extended towards me.

This…shouldn’t be like this.

As phii nong.

It shouldn’t be.

And then Phii Fah reached over and turned off all the lights in the room. I was startled by the sudden darkness, but when Phii Fah gently squeezed my hand in a comforting manner, I felt less panicked. I lay back down, closing my eyes, with Phii Fah holding my hand, sitting beside me.

“Will you stay until I fall asleep?”

“Yes, if you fall asleep, then I will go sleep outside.”

“Okay, goodnight.”

“Yes.”

I held onto that warm hand, not willing to let go because of fear, but after a while, I drifted off to sleep more easily than I ever had before.

Tonight…was the first night in two years that I slept soundly.

I woke up groggily in Phii Fah’s bed, noticing the soft morning light filtering through the curtains. I picked up my phone to check the time; it was just past eight. I unplugged my phone from the charger and walked out of the bedroom.

“You’re awake?” Phii Fah immediately asked when he saw me. He was sitting at the desk outside, already dressed.

“Yes, sorry for waking up late.”

“It’s fine. Go wash up and get dressed, then we’ll go for breakfast.”    “Okay,” I nodded, grabbed my clothes, and went to take a shower. Once done, I came out. I had never woken up at eight before; it might be early for many, but for me, it was late because I usually wake up around four or five to see the sunrise every morning.

But today, I didn’t see the sunrise.

And I…slept so soundly.

I didn’t wake up with a headache like I usually do. No nightmares either, how nice…to have slept so fully.

“Anything special you want to eat?”

“Uh, no.”

“Okay, oh, right,” Phii Fah said as if he just remembered something,

“Can I have Fan’s LINE ID?”

“…”

“Haven’t talked to her in so long, just want to see how she’s doing.”

“Uh…”

I fell silent for a moment, thinking about what to do. If I said no, it would be strange, and this silence felt even stranger.

“And I can’t forgive someone who hurt Fan.”

   Suddenly, Phii Fah’s words from my nightmare popped into my head.

“Okay, I’ll send it to you.”

I…was the black sheep, and will continue to be.

   I didn’t want to lie like this. I swear…but I was scared. Really scared. There’s no guarantee that Phii Fah won’t get angry or criticize me even for a split second with that look of disappointment in his eyes.

   I’m sorry…but I really can’t handle it.

   “Yes,” Phii Fah responded, before we went out to eat. During that time, I sent Fan’s LINE to Phii Fah, it was the LINE account that Fan used, stored on Fan’s phone which I had kept.

“So, Fan is studying medicine there?”

“Yes.”

“It’s strange that Fan would let you come study here alone like this.”

“Well…I was stubborn and wanted to come by myself.”    Yes…if Fan were still here, she would never have let me come alone.

Now, I don’t even dare to look at Phii Fah’s face because of the guilt filling my heart, along with many other mixed feelings. Because of the nightmare, I’m even more certain that…if Phii Fah knew the truth and spoke to me like he did in the dream, I would shatter again.    And if I shattered again…I might not be able to recover.    We stopped at a restaurant, and as we walked in, people were looking at Phii Fah. In truth, Phii Fah has always been popular, with his looks, demeanor, and everything about him being so appealing that it’s easy to fall in love once you get to know him.

There are hundreds, if not thousands, of people for Phii Fah to choose from…why would someone like me have any right, especially being Typhoon?

We sat at a table by the window, giving us a full view of the street outside. After ordering our food, Phii Fah’s phone rang.

“Excuse me, I need to take this call.”

“Okay.”

“What’s up?”

(Fah, have you bought a gift yet?)

   “Not yet. Don’t know what to get, what about you?”

(Not yet either. They said they wanted a surprise.)

   “What kind of surprise is it?”

(I don’t know, I can’t even think of how it could be a surprise.)

“Maybe don’t bother then. I can’t even think of a gift.”

(I agree, what more could someone like him want?)

“Yeah, that’s why it’s hard. What did Arthit say?”

(Arthit’s in Moscow, probably buying something from there.) “Will he be back in time for the birthday?”

(Don’t know, do you want to go shopping with me?)

   “It’s okay, I’ll go by myself. I’m free today anyway.”

(Okay, tell me what you buy.)

   “I haven’t figured it out yet, I’ll go look around first, find something suitable for him.”

(A smoking cessation course.)

   “You should join him, Hill. I’ll buy one for both of you, quit drinking too.”

(Too late to quit, might as well send him to treat liver cancer.)

   “Yeah, that might be good.”

(Try talking to James and his crew, see if Jo wants anything.)

   “I’ve already asked, James said there’s nothing.”

(Nothing at all?)

   “Hmm, but what he really wants, no one can give him.”

(What is it?)

   “I’d like to know too.”

(Hmm, then let me know too.)    “Alright.”

(Who’s that sitting with you?)

“Did you see me?” (Just passed by.)

“A junior I know.”

(Everyone is someone you know.)

“Huh, why?”

   (No reason, were you with him last night?)

   “Why would you think that?”

(Eating breakfast this far away, if you slept separately, you would have to wake up at six in the morning to pick him up.)

   “You know me well.”

(A junior, you slept together?)

   “Yeah, his dorm had a power outage, he’s afraid of the dark, so I went to pick him up to sleep over.”

(But you slept on the sofa?)

   “Yes.”

(That’s good.)

   “Why?”

(The same old thing we’ve warned you about, Fah.)

   “Understood.”

(How long have you known each other?)

   “For a long time, since we were in Phuket.”

(Close?)

   “Close, our houses were next to each other.”

(Used to be close.)

“Yes. Haven’t seen each other in a while.”

(Hmm, then I’ll hang up for now.)

“Okay, talk to you later.”

(Okay.)

After that, Phii Fah dropped me off at my dorm, saying he had more errands to run. I didn’t forget to thank him again and told him to be careful while driving, even though he’s a good driver. When I opened the door to my room, I found myself letting out a sigh and flopping down on the bed.

I had a full night’s sleep last night, so why do I feel so tired?    I used to think Phii Fah had no boundaries in relationships, but in reality, there are boundaries, like a thin, clear glass. If you don’t get close enough, you won’t see it, and when you try to get close to a certain point, you’ll bump into that glass hard.

It seems like this is as close as I can get…for one younger brother.    I got up to rummage through the drawer under the desk, finding a phone resting there. I picked it up and turned it on.

Add friend from LINE ID

   Phii Fah had already added Fan on LINE. I looked at the screen, confused. The moment I decided to accept the request, my hands wouldn’t stop shaking, nor would my heart, which was beating out of rhythm.

I…    accepted it…

And as soon as I accepted the friend request, Phii Fah sent a message.

Tf: Fan, this is Fah.

   Tf: How are you?

Torfan✿: Doing well.

   Torfan✿: And how are you, Fah?

 SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME 

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 2: White and Purple

   I said goodbye before watching the car I just got out of drive away; Phii Fah had come to drop me off at my dorm. We talked a lot about what had happened during the time we didn’t see each other. There wasn’t anything special. If I had to guess, he probably didn’t think about me at all, moving on to new social circles, new experiences, progressing in his own way.

   In contrast to me, I am still lost.

   But I’m glad, Phii Fah seemed happy to see me. Even if it was just as the neighbor’s younger brother we hadn’t seen in a while.    I walked up to my room feeling tired. Today was quite exhausting because I had been wandering around all day, not to mention the hot sun. I took off my bag and placed my things beside the bed, then took out my camera to look at the pictures I had taken today.

   I was really lucky to capture such a bright sky today, with hardly any clouds.

   It looked so bright today…

   I glanced over at the wall above my desk, which was covered with photos. During the time I was learning photography, I had asked Fan to be my model. At first, she was reluctant, saying she didn’t like being photographed, but she always allowed me to take her picture. We went to many places together just to take photos, so the wall in front of me was filled with those memories.

   It’s strange that I hadn’t thought about it before, but now that Fan isn’t here, all these memories seem to flood back as if to remind me not to forget them. Every photo has a story, and every story has you in it.

   I remember all of them.

   I slumped into the chair at my desk, next to a pile of medical exam preparation books, then a bookshelf, and on the other side, a small drawer on the desk for miscellaneous items. I opened the bottom drawer and found a photo of Fan taken with a film camera.

   This photo is beautiful; I should put it up too…

   I remember I didn’t like the outfit Fan was wearing in this photo because it was too revealing, so she wore an extra shirt over it despite the heat.

   She always gave in to Phoon, no matter what, which is why Phoon became so spoiled. Thinking back to when we were kids, Phii Fah and Fan really did indulge me in everything, including letting me keep a cat because I wanted one, even though my mom said no, so Phii Fah ended up taking care of it for me.

   Mom…

   I still call her Mom. Even though, in reality, she isn’t.

   Because…when people ask how Mom is doing,

   I want to answer, ‘I don’t know either, since Mom divorced Dad, I haven’t heard anything about her,’ rather than saying, ‘I don’t know either, because I don’t know who my real mother is.’

   I used to blame everything that hurt me, but when I think about it, everything has its reasons. Imagine a family: a father, a mother, and a one-year-old daughter, everything going well, a warm and happy family with a little angel as a witness of their love.

   But then, suddenly, an infant is left at their doorstep, and it’s discovered that the child is the offspring of the father’s mistress. The family falls apart. The mother loses all love and trust in her husband, but she has to stay because of her daughter, and she also has to be a mother to this infant.

   It’s not strange for her to hate me. I am the evidence of the worst things in her life; every time she looks at me, I don’t know how much hatred fills her eyes.

   As for Dad…he didn’t love my mother. It might have been a mistake or something else.

   But I am your child, don’t you feel even a bit of love for me…    I don’t know who my real mother is, but the fact that she left me makes it clear she didn’t love me. No news. No contact. No stories about her for me to know.

   She didn’t even bother to name me…

   But I hope she’s doing well, somewhere in this world. If we ever meet and she remembers me, I would like to ask her…did you ever think about me? What kind of person did you want me to grow up to be? What did you want me to study or become?    And did I…grow up to be the person you wanted?

   “Phoon, come out and talk for a bit.”

   “No.”

“I am sorry, do not be angry anymore.”

   “You promised to go out with me, I don’t like people who break promises.”

   “Little brother, I had to work on a group project with friends. Next time, I’ll take you.”    “No, I can go alone.”

   “No going alone, what if you get lost again?”

   “Do you care about me?”

   “Phoon…”

   I sat on the bed with a scowl, feeling angry and hurt because Fan broke our promise that we would go out on Saturday, but suddenly she said she couldn’t go because she had to work with her friends.

   What the heck, I had been eagerly waiting.

   “Open the door, let’s talk.” Fan was still outside my locked door.

Since I had no one else but Fan, she had to pay extra attention to me. Whenever I was upset, I would throw a tantrum, and Fan must have been tired of it too.    I was not a cute kid at all…

   “I won’t open it.”

   “If we don’t talk properly, how will we understand each other?”

   “I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything at all.”

   “Sigh…”

   And then the voice from outside my door went silent. I immediately looked towards the door.

Is she not going to coax me anymore?

   After a while, a piece of paper slid under the door. I slowly walked over to pick it up; it was a folded note. I unfolded it to find a handwritten message:

   To…Phoon, the grumpy little brother,

   I know we had agreed to go out together on Saturday, but you have to understand that I am not free. This group project is really important, and if I don’t help her friends, they will surely be mad at me. Phoon, you wouldn’t want me to be mad at by my friends, right? So be a good kid and wait a bit. Next time, we’ll go to two places, and I’ll treat you to snacks. Deal? ^_^

   P.S. I know you’re waiting to be coaxed, but if one day I stop coaxing you, what will you grumpy kid do? Hurry up and stop being upset. The cake I baked is almost ready. If you don’t come out soon, I might eat all the cake without you knowing.

   From…Torfan, the sister who always has to coax this grumpy kid.    I couldn’t help but smile at the message written on the paper. I opened the door to find Fan standing there with a freshly baked cake in her hands, and we made up and sat down to eat the cake together.    Since then, we, as siblings, have used the method of passing notes under the door whenever we’re angry or don’t understand each other, or sometimes when we want to say something but are too shy to say it face to face; we’ve always written letters like this.

Fan said…writing letters can convey feelings that don’t reach otherwise, like when Fan wanted to make up with me, but I wouldn’t talk to her, so she used the method of writing a letter to me instead.

   Until now…I still write down the feelings I want to send.    I have letters to write every day, letters to Torfan, sort of like a diary about what I’ve encountered today, how I felt, telling Fan about my daily stories, but those letters never go anywhere, once written, they go into the drawer. I started doing this not long after Fan passed away because I was lonely and wanted to tell someone about my day.

   And importantly…it’s the longing I want to send, just like the letters Fan used to send.

   To…Torfan

   From the last time I said I would come to Chiang Mai, today the weather was nice, so I went out for a walk and took photos like usual. I went to the Walking Street too; it looked quite unique here, the things for sale weren’t very familiar, so Phoon got a handmade item for 150 baht. Importantly, I met Phii Fah, and he was with someone named Mona, who is my age, a first-year medical student. At first, I thought they were dating, but Phii Fah said she’s just a junior he knows, they must be quite close. Otherwise, they wouldn’t hang out together. In the future, they might develop a relationship.    Phii Fah seemed happy to see me too, like seeing a little brother after a long time, asking all sorts of questions, even about you, Fan.

But I said Fan, you…is doing well.

   I am sorry for lying, being bad again, but at that moment, I couldn’t think straight. If I told the truth, Phii Fah might get angry, or if Phii Fah is disappointed in me, I know he’s not like that, but honestly, Fan…Phoon is so scared, scared of everything. If I lose this person, with Fan gone, who would Phoon have left?    As for Phii Fah, he’s still the same, as kind as ever, and importantly, he’s become much more handsome. Fan, you would definitely scream if you saw him. He must be very popular at university, of course, it’s Phii Fah. Oh yeah, it seems Mona is also one of Phii Fah’s students, which means Phii Fah must be very good, now he’s become an excellent senior doctor.

   But don’t worry, Fan, I will definitely pass the medical exam, I

will become a doctor, treating children in need, just like you wanted to be: )

   Tonight, you are good, I hope you are happy and healthy wherever she is.

   With love and always missing you, from…Typhoon

   I folded the paper and taped it shut, placing it into a drawer filled with similar folded notes, because I’ve been writing them every day for years now. I’ve accumulated so many, but they’re not hard to store; one box is enough. After some time has passed, going back to read these old letters brings back memories of each day, some good, some bad. Some sheets are stained with tears, but I’ve made it through all that.

   I might be imagining it, but I think I’ve grown up a bit too.    A notification sound came from my phone. I picked it up to check and found a message from Phii Fah, we had just exchanged LINE IDs a moment ago.

   I’ll be able to talk with Phii Fah now…

   Tf: Are you asleep yet?

   -dust-: Not yet.

   Tf: Do you want to go anywhere?

   Earlier, while in the car on the way to drop me off, Phii Fah said that since I had just moved here, I probably didn’t know my way around much yet. If he had free time, he’d take me around the city so I could get to know the area better, and if I wanted to visit somewhere special, I could tell Phii Fah, and he would take me…

-dust-: I haven’t decided yet.

   Tf: Are you free tomorrow?

   :

   Tf: Let’s go around the university.

   Tf: So Phoon won’t get lost when you start studying.

   -dust-: Sure.

   Tf: Then I will pick you up tomorrow.

   Tf: What time is good for you?

   -dust-: Anytime is fine.

   Tf: Let’s say one in the afternoon.

   -dust-: Okay.

   Tf: goodnight, sleep well    -dust-: Yes, goodnight.

   And our conversation ended there, saying goodnight even though it was only a bit past nine in the evening. I scrolled through to look at the chat owner’s display picture, which was a candid shot of him.    Even though we only talked this much, it felt strangely comforting. The thought of seeing him again tomorrow made me smile involuntarily.

He’ll take me around the university so I won’t get lost when I start studying there, so kind of him, isn’t he? Is he this kind to everyone? I’ve heard that if you fall in love with the kindness he gives to everyone, it can hurt more than falling in love with someone who doesn’t love anyone.

If that’s the case, then…tonight, will I sleep well, Phii Fah?

I hope the sky will be as bright tomorrow as it was today.

04:20 a.m.

   Last night I didn’t sleep well, in fact, I rarely sleep well. There are so many things to think about, and often when I close my eyes, images of Fan appear. Then I spend the whole night crying in my sleep, sometimes having nightmares, waking up in the middle of the night frequently, only to find tears flowing. I see images of Fan driving to pick me up and getting hit, or when Mom and Dad were arguing. So, sleep has become quite scary for me.

Because I’m afraid of having nightmares…

I once went to a doctor about my insomnia since it was disrupting my daily life, but I didn’t go into detail about what was causing it. I just said I was stressed from school and a few other problems. My insomnia got more chronic, and the doctor said I have insomnia.    At first, when I took the medication, it seemed to help, but it felt like the more I slept, the worse the nightmares got. I stopped taking the medicine and went back to enduring the insomnia. The doctor suggested I see a psychiatrist for depression because it seemed I had more going on emotionally, but I didn’t want to tell anyone about what happened.

I’m too scared to talk about it, and I try to bury it as deep as possible…

Last night I went to bed at 9 p.m. and woke up around 4 a.m., only getting about five hours of sleep, and it wasn’t even deep sleep, waking up intermittently, so I had a terrible headache. But knowing I probably wouldn’t sleep anymore, I decided to get up.    I got up, took a shower, washed my face, made some coffee to drink, checked my study schedule to see what subjects I needed to read today, and then began reading my books.

Maybe I should try going to some tutoring sessions. There must be tutoring places in Chiang Mai to prepare for entrance exams. If I have time, I should discuss this with Dad when he’s free and available to talk.

I didn’t forget to stop reading at around six in the morning to watch the sunrise, due to my insomnia, which has made me wake up early every day for a year now. Watching the sunrise isn’t bad at all, and the way the sky changes color when the sun is about to rise is beautiful; I couldn’t help but take my camera to capture the moment.    I spent almost three hours reading, and by seven in the morning, I went downstairs from the dorm to get something to eat.    “You’re up early,” said the lady selling grilled pork skewers, greeting me. I smiled back.

“Yes, can I have two skewers of pork and one bag of sticky rice, please?”

“Same as usual. Don’t you want to try some grilled chicken?”    “It’s okay, thank you,” I said with a dry smile, handing over the money.

“But you don’t look very lively, did you get any sleep?” the lady asked, handing me the two skewers in a bag. “I’ve been meaning to tease you; you always look like you’re half-asleep.”

“Ha ha, I couldn’t sleep much last night,” I replied before giving her the money for the pork skewers. “I’ll be going now,” I said, waving goodbye to the lady before heading back to my room.

Everyone keeps telling me I look sleepy all the time.

Yeah…I am sleepy all the time, indeed.

I returned to my room and sat down to eat the sticky rice with grilled pork I bought. I’ve heard that people who sleep less die sooner.

I think that might be true because since I’ve had insomnia, I’ve been more forgetful than before, and I was already quite forgetful. It’s like my brain isn’t working at full capacity; how long will you live like this, Phoon?

With nothing else to do but wait for Phii Fah today, I kept on reading. I’m not a good student. Not at all. Unlike Fan and Phii Fah, but because I wanted some praise, I’ve always tried hard. Fan always said that effort never betrays us; if we’re not as smart as others, we just need to work harder than them. Behind those good grades are patience and effort.

But no matter how well I do in school, I still don’t get much attention. Fan said Phoon is capable, but Phoon has to try so hard because he doesn’t really like it, which is probably true. I don’t like biology, chemistry, or physics at all.

If you ask what I like,

I like taking photos and want to be a photographer.

But forget it, that’s my dream.

1:04 p.m.

   Tf: Can we move it to 2 p.m.?

   Tf: I have something to do.

   -dust-: Sure.

   2:12 p.m.

   Tf: I’ll be a bit late.

   Tf: There’s a lot of traffic.

   -dust-: Okay.

   2:36 p.m.

   Tf: I’m here now.

   Tf: Look to the left, please.

   I looked in the direction Phii Fah indicated, but I didn’t see anyone.

“That’s to the right, Phoon.”

“…”

“Still confused about left and right?” Phii Fah asked, letting out a small laugh. I fell silent because I felt embarrassed, doing something embarrassing in front of Phii Fah again, “Have you been waiting here long?”

I’ve been waiting since 12:30…

   “No, I just came down.”

“Okay, shall we go then?”

“Yes.” I followed Phii Fah to his car because I was a bit excited to go out with him, so I came down to wait at the marble bench outside the dorm. When Phii Fah asked to reschedule the meeting time, since I didn’t feel like walking back and forth, I just sat and waited there.

“You’ve had lunch already, right?”

“Uh…yes.”

Grilled pork in the morning counts as two meals for me. I’m usually not that hungry. I don’t know why either.

   “Are you sure?”

“Yes, why?”

“No reason, it’s just that you look tired today.”

“Oh…that’s normal.”

“Normal like this?” Phii Fah, who was driving, took his eyes off the road for a moment to look at me, his expression surprised by what he heard.    “Yes.”

“I think that might not be too good,” he said before turning his attention back to the road. Phii Fah drives very smoothly, which is good because I often get car sick.

“It’s okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. It’s okay.”

No matter what…it’s okay.

“Turn left here, and you’ll see the Engineering Faculty, but Phoon probably won’t be studying there,” Phii Fah explained, pointing out places around the university, which is very helpful for someone like me. I lifted my camera to take a photo.    “You carry your camera with you all the time?”

“Yes. I like taking photos.”

“I remember you were into it since middle school.”

“Yes,” I nodded. The first camera I got was a birthday gift from Fan and Phii Fah; they pooled their money to buy it for me because they saw I was interested in photography but didn’t have a camera of my own. I used to sneakily borrow my dad’s camera to play around with it.

“This is the main academic building where some elective courses are held.”

“Phii Fah, you study here?”

“By the second year, I don’t take many courses outside my faculty anymore.”

“Oh…” I kept taking photos along the way, I would have to stick them on the wall and then sit down to memorize which building is which.

“And where is your faculty?”

“It’s on the outskirts because it requires a lot of space.”

“Space?”

“For the animals, for study. It’s shared with the Faculty of

Agriculture.”

“Oh…” I nodded to show I understood, wondering why I chose Veterinary Medicine, will I manage? I love animals, but I’m not sure if I’ll do well.

“There’s also a place to walk, it’s a reservoir, want to go?”

“Yes.”

The car stopped in the parking area before I followed Phii Fah. Even though it was evening, it was still hot. After walking up the hill for a while, we could see the reservoir, with small roads around for walking, and a few people here and there strolling.

I love the sky when viewed from here.

I quickly raised my camera to capture the moment, with the sky above and the mountains in the background.

Even though it’s hot, there’s a breeze, and walking to where the trees offered shade made it feel quite pleasant here. If it’s not too crowded, I would come here often.

“Can we sit and rest for a bit?” I asked, as the heat made me feel more tired, especially after not sleeping much and now facing this kind of sunlight, I felt dizzy.

“Sure.” Phii Fah sat down on the bench next to me.

I secretly glanced at the person beside me from time to time.    The gentle breeze caressed his face, his black hair fluttering with the wind, the image I saw now made my heart beat faster, but when he noticed I was looking, I had to quickly avert my eyes.

   It’s nice…

   Being like this is nice too.    Regardless of in what capacity,    At least, for now, I thought so.

   “Oh, Phii Fah, Typhoon,” suddenly a woman walked up to us, waving in greeting. She showed a bright, cheerful smile, “Hello.”    Mona…

   “Hello, are you alone?” Phii Fah asked.

“Yes, I came out for a walk, got bored staying in the dorm,” she said, “What are you guys doing here?”

“Just walking around,” Phii Fah answered.

“Nice, want to walk together?”

“Sure,” Phii Fah agreed. I knew he would agree, given his kind nature, unlike me who tends to feel awkward around strangers, but I had to go along.

“Typhoon, can I just call you Phoon?”

“Oh, sure.”

“Phoon, you like photography too?” Mona asked, pointing at my camera hanging around my neck. I nodded in response, “Can I see some of your photos? I’ve just started learning.”

“I don’t take very good photos,” I said. I prefer keeping my photos to myself because they’re beautiful to me, but they might not be to others.

“It’s okay. I’m not good either, want to exchange and look at each other’s photos?”

“Uh…well, okay.” And how could I refuse? In the end, we had to exchange and look at each other’s photos.

“Wow, Phoon, your photos are really beautiful.”

“Hmm, you are nice too,” I said, handing her camera back.    “You can just call me Mona,” she smiled, “Phii Fah, let’s take a photo together,” before she linked arms with Phii Fah.

They look…so close.

   “I’m not really into taking photos,” Phii Fah declined.

“Come on, just one photo.”

“Okay, then.”

“Phoon…can you take it for us?” Mona handed her camera to me again, this time asking me to take a photo of the two of them. Here, there was a small bridge, and when they stood together to take the photo, they looked like a couple.

“The photo isn’t very clear,” Mona frowned slightly, looking displeased when she saw the photo I took, because it focused more on the background than on her.

“Sorry about that. I’m not that good at taking portraits.”

“It’s okay. I’ll post it on my Facebook page then, can I tag you, Phii

Fah?”

“Sure.”

On the way back, Mona asked to ride with us, sitting in the front passenger seat while I moved to the back. I sat in the back, watching the two of them talk. Mona is cute, good at talking, and very cheerful.

“The other day, I met Phii Jo too.”

“Really? Where did you see him?”

“At the mall, he was shopping with a very beautiful woman, carrying things for her. I didn’t know someone like Phii Jo could have such cute moments, carrying things for a woman. I heard he’s quite the playboy, I thought he wouldn’t go out with anyone so openly.”    “He was carrying things for her?” Phii Fah repeated, “That’s strange.”

“Doesn’t that mean she’s his girlfriend?”

“Probably, I can’t imagine Jo following someone around and carrying their stuff.”

“But he really was carrying things, full hands, clothes, cosmetics, shoes, and that woman was really beautiful, very suitable for Phii Jo, what a pity.”    “Why is that?”

“My friend likes Phii Jo, says he’s totally her type, she came here to study because of him.”

“Really?”

“Yes, I’m secretly rooting for them. They say a man who stops being a playboy becomes very warm. Don’t know if it’s true or not.”

“I don’t know either.”

“What about you, Phii Fah, are you a playboy?” Mona asked teasingly with a sweet voice.

“No.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Alright then, thanks for the ride. See you later, Phoon too, bye!” Mona got out of the car when we reached her destination, turning to say goodbye to us.

“Sure,” Phii Fah replied with a smile, which made her smile even wider.

“Oh, Phii Fah, are you free tonight?”

“I’m free, why?”

“I wanted to ask about some things I don’t understand.”

“You’re really reading ahead to the first-year material?”    “Yes, I’m your junior after all, aiming for honors,” Mona said enthusiastically, “So, are you free?”

“I am pretty free.”

“Then I’ll call you. Make sure to answer.”

“Okay.”

“Phoon.”

“…”

“Phoon.”

“Oh, yes?”

“You can move to the front seat if you want.”

“Oh, okay.” I got out of the car and moved to sit in the passenger seat.

“Shall we head back now?”

“Yeah, let’s go back.”

“Okay.”

On the way back to the dorm, I gazed out the window, lost in thought. It’s almost evening, and this feeling like there’s smoke swirling in my chest, what is it? I don’t like it…

“Then I’ll call you. Make sure to answer.”

   Fan…Mona is closer to the sky than I ever was.

   “Do you want to stop for something to eat before we head back?”

“It’s okay, I’m not hungry yet.”

“Are you sure? I think maybe you should eat something, Phoon you look very pale.”

“I’m fine, really.”

“Phoon, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes, I’m not feeling anything.”

“Since I saw you yesterday, you don’t seem as lively as before, has something happened?” The tone of the other person asking sounded concerned. I didn’t know how the person felt or what expression he was making because I didn’t look over.    But one thing for sure, I didn’t feel good.

“No, really, I am fine.”

What would I be feeling…

   I turned to give a wide smile to the person next to me.    “We can stop for some food,” I said, thinking that eating might make me feel better, and the luxurious car pulled over at a roadside eatery. I knew it wasn’t good to keep things to myself, Fan had taught me that.

But…it’s become my norm.

I’ve been alone all this time…

“Couldn’t sleep last night?” Phii Fah, sitting across from me, asked.

“Why do you think that?”

“It’s not hard to tell.”

“Well…just a little.”

“Then you should hurry back and get some rest.”

“Yes.”

The way you care about everyone…it’s not good, you know, Phii Fah? Do you realize many people easily fall for your kindness? I knew from the start that delving deeper would only lead to pain.    You should have some boundaries…for those you don’t have feelings for.

   After we finished eating, we walked out to where the car was parked. My eyes caught sight of a plant shop nearby. I like plants because they give me a sense of peace I can’t quite describe.

   “Do you want to take a look inside?”

“Can we go in for a bit?”

“Sure.”

Back at home, I had planted so many trees. Now, the housekeeper probably takes care of them. My dad moved out to live with his new family, so it’s just me and the house staff at home. Since moving into the dorm, my balcony is full of stuff, hardly any space for potted plants.

“Are you interested in any particular plant? Are you planning to put it on your dorm balcony?” the shopkeeper approached and asked.    “Oh, I’m just browsing for now,” I replied with a faint smile, knowing I couldn’t buy any since there’s no space to plant them, but I just wanted to look around until I noticed the hyacinth in a pot on a shelf.

Hyacinth…

Hyacinth is a cold-weather flower that can survive in an airconditioned room, so I don’t have to worry about balcony space anymore.

“Interested?” Phii Fah, who was standing behind me, asked. I turned to look at him with excited eyes, nodding quickly, “Then I will buy it for you.”    “Is that okay?”

“Yes, it makes you smile like this, how could I not buy it for you?”    “Thank you,” I said, giving him a slight smile, “Will you plant it with me?”

“Better not, I probably won’t have time to take care of it.”    “That’s too bad,” I said with disappointment, thinking if we planted it together, we’d have more to talk about. Phii Fah looked at me and fell silent, seeming to think about something.

“Alright, but I can’t guarantee I’ll take good care of it.”    “Great,” I said happily, then turned to look at the shelf full of hyacinths, better to buy one that’s already flowering, starting from scratch might be hard, “Then can you buy one for me in return?”

“Hmm?”

“Yes?”

“Okay.” Phii Fah slightly raised his eyebrows before giving a faint smile. I chose the purple hyacinth, handing it to the seller to wrap.

“Can you choose the color for me?”

“Yes.” Phii Fah walked closer, glancing at the hyacinths on the shelf, and chose a white one for me.

“White? Why?” I asked.

“I think it would suit you, Phoon.” Phii Fah’s words made me pause for a moment. If I remember correctly, the meaning of the white hyacinth is…

No…Phii Fah might not mean its symbolic meaning, probably just that white suits me.

   “And what about you, Phoon? Why the purple hyacinth?”

“Uh…no particular reason.”

“…”

“I just wanted to give it.”

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