SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 23: Be Closer

   “Phoon”

“…”

“Phoon”

“Uh…Yes!!”

“Uh…Are you okay?” Phii Fah asked with a worried expression as I came back to my senses, my heart starting to beat wildly. The rhythm of my heart was getting stronger, faster, and shaking violently, so much so that I felt like it was about to burst out, loud enough that I could hear my own heartbeat, hoping Phii Fah couldn’t.

The feeling of heat spread across my chest and face, hot enough that I knew both my cheeks and ears must be bright red.

.. It’s like I’ve exploded and died once already.

   Phii Fah’s words…with that deep, gentle voice, were echoing in my mind like someone was playing a tape on repeat.

Even though I had lost all control inside, I still had to try not to show it, that I was both happy, joyful, embarrassed, and warmhearted, all these feelings clashing inside. I tried to control myself from breathing too heavily and too quickly to be noticeable, but it was hard because my heart was beating so fast, forcing me to breathe quickly too.

“Both your hands were sweating and tightly clenched together.    There’s such a thing as being embarrassed to the point of wanting to cry, and there’s also being so embarrassed you might die of a heart attack.

“Phoon…” Phii Fah’s voice softened a bit.

“Yes, Phii Fah! I am okay!! I, um…” I was so flustered I couldn’t do anything right, thinking I could control myself well, but I ended up doing something ridiculous, which just confused Phii Fah even more.

Of course.

He said he loves the person in the letters, Phii Fah doesn’t know at all that it’s me, why should I be embarrassed! I can’t be embarrassed, damn it!!

“I, um, I want to order cocoa,” I quickly picked up the menu without thinking, using it to hide my face.

Not natural at all, Phoon!!

   You have no trace of subtlety!!

   “Oh, okay,” Phii Fah said before looking towards the waiter to order, and the waiter approached.

“…One iced cocoa, please.”

“Got it.”

And then the waiter walked away. I put the menu down and tried to gather my composure again. Was my behavior just now suspicious? The answer was one hundred and eight million percent suspicious, and the important thing was that it was Phii Fah, Phii Fah, I mean, Phoon, oh my. I wanted to burrow into the floor right here!

   “Are you sure you’re okay?” Phii Fah raised his eyebrows to ask. I still didn’t dare to look him in the eyes much, but at times like these, it seems unavoidable.

…And it happened as I thought. Just meeting his gaze for a split second, those sharp eyes pinned me down easily, before the two sentences from before rang out again.

   To make me love this much…

   Love…

   Love!!

   I guess I won’t be able to see Fan, right…

   “You look like someone who’s embarrassed.”

“…Huh? Phoon, you mean?”

“Yes, you look very much like it, or maybe Phii Fah is just imagining things.”

“…Oh,” I fell silent, once again sensing the cunning from Phii Fah, but I guess I might be imagining it, “Oh, I am embarrassed on behalf of that person.”

“Hmm, embarrassed on behalf of someone? Is that even possible?”    Damn it…

   That smile could kill someone, has anyone ever told you that, Phii Fah?

   “Yes, embarrassed on their behalf, if he heard this, he’d be very embarrassed.”

“Do you think he would be embarrassed?”    “Yes,” I answered confidently.

“But I don’t think so.”

“Oh…why not?”

“I don’t know, maybe because we’ve never met, I can’t really guess,” said the person still looking at me, as the staff brought cocoa to serve, and I wanted to say I was full. I couldn’t even force myself to drink more cocoa. Who would try to get over embarrassment with cocoa like me?

“Maybe you can guess…at your level.” I said with a teasing tone while lifting the cocoa to drink.

“Why do you think I can guess?”

“Just a guess,” I accidentally smiled broadly.

“Then, can you help me guess?”

“How?”

“Help me guess what kind of person he is.” The other’s smile made me feel uncomfortable. I wanted to refuse, but it seemed quite difficult.

And why should I help Phii Fah guess what kind of person I am?    “‘…Can you tell me from the beginning?’ To keep things smooth, I pretended to ask for the details first, and Phii Fah began recounting from the first time I sent the letter.

Amazing…the details are so precise. He even remembers the date. I still have to write it down.

   But…how can I help Phii Fah with this?

   “I…I really don’t know either. I am not that good at this kind of thing,” I said, trying to dodge the question because I really didn’t know how to answer, “Did you try to find out who he is?”

“No,” Phii Fah shook his head slightly, “As I said, it’s enough if he’s comfortable.”

“Oh…and do you know any other information?”

“I am sure he’s in his second year.”

“…Oh.”

“He likes to take photos, loves trees, might be someone who likes to wake up early. His height shouldn’t be more than 170, left-handed, not so sure about the faculty, but since he loves photography a lot, he might be in a photography-related major.”

“…Wow.”

“That’s what I guessed.”

I wanted to ask, “How do you know all that?!” but decided it was better not to ask. After all, it’s Phii Fah, but he guessed everything right! Is it possible for one person to guess everything correctly like this?

“Wow, but that’s quite a lot of information,” I said.

“Hmm. Not really, there’s still a lot I don’t know.”

“Like what?”

“Like whether he really likes Phii Fah or not.”

I might be overthinking, but looking into those eyes of the person sitting across from me, I felt unsafe, yet I quickly shook off my strange thoughts…What does it mean by “really likes Phii Fah or not’?

“If…if he doesn’t like you, why would he send letters?”

“Well, not necessarily, because I don’t know him, he might be sending letters to many people.”    No way…

   Besides Phii Fah, who else could I send letters to?

   “I don’t think so.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“I guess,” I said, inadvertently frowning a little, “Phoon thinks he probably doesn’t have anyone else.”

“Hmm…” That deep voice made my heart feel oddly tumultuous. I didn’t understand why, “Do you think he only likes me?”

“…Uh”

I fell silent and looked down.

“Yes.”

“And do I think…he would love only you too?”

I slowly looked up to meet his eyes, my heart beating stronger again, along with my face feeling incredibly hot.

   “What do you think?”

   The repeated question, with a fading smile and sparkling eyes, told me he was looking for an answer, and I decided to give it.

   Both as the person from the letters and as Typhoon.

   Because they are the same person.

   So, I have only one answer.

   “Yes…”

“…He loves only me.”

“Are you sure?”

I let out a broad smile at the sentence I heard before moving my hand from my chin to cover my mouth slightly. I’ve never felt this way before.

   Has my heart ever beaten this hard?

   As far as I can remember, it hasn’t…never like this with anyone else.

   “…He loves only Phii Fah.”

“‘I am confident.’

…

Tonfah

   It’s such an adorable confidence, isn’t it?

   The little one sitting across from me had his head bowed, but you could still see his cheeks red up to his ears. I guessed he was probably very embarrassed by now, but for some reason, I didn’t feel like stopping my teasing even a bit.

   He’s insanely cute…

   Can’t he be this cute with someone else?

   Because I’ve known from the beginning, but he doesn’t know that I know. The sudden urge to tease him came up, and seeing his flustered behavior almost made me unable to hold back my smile.

   I want to keep looking at him like this for a long time. Whether it’s his clumsy actions, like ordering cocoa even though he was already full, or now, keeping his head bowed because he doesn’t want to meet my eyes, and that last question he asked…it’s because I wanted to hear that word.

   My confession of love…that would let him know.

   And his confession of love…that I’m hearing for the first time.    It might not be a straightforward confession, but we understand each other because he knows how I feel.

   And I don’t want to stay this close to him anymore. Even if we continue like this, it wouldn’t be so bad, but if it stays like this, I can’t pull the little one into a hug…

   So…I don’t want to just be a pen pal anymore.

   I’ve never felt this affectionate towards someone to the point where I want to pinch them until they’re covered in bite marks. If I could, I would have done it by now.

   I used to think I didn’t understand Jo, wondering why he needed to hug his younger brother in front of so many people without caring about anything. I never thought I would understand or be like him.

   But now I understand, it’s really hard to hold back.    If anyone could hear what I’m thinking right now, they would definitely think it’s not me. As I said, I’ve never been like this either. It must be because of the little one’s cuteness that makes me want to tease and pinch him this much.

   And between us, there was no more conversation. Phoon probably didn’t catch on much, probably too busy replaying what just happened in his mind, but from my perspective,

   It all looks very strange indeed.

   To tell me that person only loves me, and then just sit there, silent, with a red face…

   Do you think it’s not strange? Seeing him trying not to let me catch on only makes me find him even more adorable.

   What could he be thinking now? Is he embarrassed because he told me he loves me, or does he think he shouldn’t have said it so confidently? I just pretended that I wasn’t sure if the person from the letters only liked me, and Phoon immediately became uneasy, almost as if he was afraid I would misunderstand.

   And then he repeated the question, making it seem like I needed an answer, so Phoon quickly spoke without thinking.

   But to be honest…

   That confession just now…

   I want to hear it again.    Not just that he loves only me,     but I want to hear that Phoon loves only me even more.

   …

Typhoon

   I followed Phii Fah back to our usual coffee shop. After talking about the person from the letters, I was almost falling over myself because I was worried Phii Fah might misunderstand that the person from the letters had someone else. So, I blurted it out like that.

   And then I realized…it was like confessing love.

   Even if Phii Fah didn’t realize it…just now,    it was like Phii Fah confessed his love to me.

   And I confessed my love to Phii Fah as well.

   I rushed towards Ter so fast that he let out a loud yelp, squeezing him even though he was groaning in pain from the force of my charge. Now we were upstairs at the coffee shop, and Phii Fah had gone to sit with his friends.

   “Ouch, Phoon, ugh, you hurt me, North, help…help me,” Ter staggered towards North, reaching out for help, but North just sat there laughing.

“Ter, where do you think you’re going? Not letting you go, wahhh,” I said in a childish voice, hugging Ter even tighter.

“Ouch, my guts, my guts are going to burst!”

“Ter…”

“Help…ugh, North,” North grabbed Ter’s hand and helped pull while still laughing, “Let go of me, damn, Phoon, what did I do to confuse you?”

“Ter. Not letting go. No,” I kept trying to hold onto Ter, which made it worse for him because I was gripping him while North was pulling his arm.

“Damn, it’s even more painful now, North, let goooooo!”

“Come on, I’m trying to help here, come on, huh!”

“Damn, what did I do to you guys, let gooooo!” Ter was writhing, his face turning red, and he started rolling around until he ended up on top of me.

“Ouch, Ter, don’t crush me!”

“Flatten you, you crazy cat!”

“Ouch, ouch, ouch!” When I loosened my grip, Ter pulled my arm instead, now it looked like we were wrestling.

“Are you attacking me, huh? Now you’ve done it!” Ter pulled my arm harder from behind, North’s laughter was loud, that jerk, not even helping, “You’ve picked the wrong person to mess with, little brother, do you think the animal protection laws will save you, huh? How much is the fine for abusing a cat?”    “Ouch, ouch, I surrender, I surrender, Ter!”

“One.”

“Two.”

“Three.”

“The winner is Ter, the strong young man from Rayong!!” North’s voice announced the victory, Ter let go of me and stood up, raising his hands like a real winner. I sat up, panting from holding back my embarrassment for so long, I wanted to take it out on Ter, but I ended up losing.

“Consolation prize for the weak young man from Phuket,” North said, handing me some snacks. I accepted them while still catching my breath, “The people of Phuket must be disappointed in you.”

“I really feel bad for letting everyone down,” I said, sounding dejected, “Ter is so violent.”

“You started it!” Ter turned to say, still chewing on the snack, “Out of nowhere, you just charged at me, what the hell?”

“Yeah, Ter, North, it’s like this, um,” I suddenly remembered what I wanted to say and blurted it out quickly, but since I was still tired, I wasn’t making much sense.

“Calm down, Typhoon, you’re losing it,” North came over and massaged my temples, “Get some water, Ter, I’ll give water to the boxer.”

“Hey, no, stop it,” I quickly intervened. Last time, he spat water at me, this bastard. Is that how you hydrate boxers or something? “I’m okay, I’m okay.”

“We were just gossiping that why did you and Phii Fah have to go eat just the two of you,” Ter said. It seemed like our wrestling match earlier had caught the attention of the medical students, and if I heard correctly, there were light laughs coming our way. So, we switched to just talking normally.

“What’s going on?” North asked.

“Well, like, you bastard, you, fuck, I mean…oh, I don’t know where to start.”

“Seriously, you’re so embarrassed you’ve lost your mind.”

“How do you know I’m embarrassed?”

“You charged at me like this, you bastard,” Ter grimaced, “My stomach hurts.”

“Hey, sorry, I got a bit too excited.”

“Stop it if you can, this habit of hurting others when you’re embarrassed.”    “Come on, tell us.”

“No, no, no.”

“Come on, don’t be a pain. You said you’d tell.”

“Maybe it’s not that good yet, like…give me some time, let’s call later,” I said, “Come on, let’s study, quickly, I want to study now, Ter, where’s your book? Bring it out, North, hurry, I want to study basic physics, let’s go.”

“North, our friend’s not okay, he’s lost his mind.”

“Yeah, I think so too, he’s concerned.”

After we finished studying, I went back with Phii Fah, which is unusual because I usually go back with Phii Hill. But for some reason, I ended up going back with Phii Fah without any prior talk or arrangement. Phii Hill, once Ter got in the car, drove off even though he normally waits for me. Phii Fah, however, was already waiting for me to get into the car.

   On the way back, we didn’t talk about anything special, just general stuff, and I felt nervous the whole time. Until we got to the dorm, we wished each other good night, and I watched the same car drive away.

   That night, I talked with Ter, North, and Dao on a call for over an hour, telling them everything. Of course, they teased me to death.    (The point is, you know Phii Fah likes you, but the person in the letter doesn’t know.)

   “Right, so you have to pretend not to know, keep sending letters like this, huh?”

(Yeah, you have to do that, but the relationship has already gone far, Phii Fah even used the word ‘love’, man),” North’s voice came through the speaker. I could only lie curled up in my blanket, rolling around on the bed because I didn’t know what to do.

“Uh.”

(Love, cat, love. Not just like) Daotok’s voice clearly showed his happiness, (It’s great that we suggested the letter plan; finally, the cat has fulfilled his wish.)

   “Fulfilled his wish…us, huh!”

(Yeah, with things like this, you’ll soon be dating, I guess.)

   “Ter! You’re crazy! What are you talking about?!”

(He’s the one who gets violent when embarrassed, damn) North teased, (Phii Fah is pretty good, huh, very clear.)

   “Uh.”

(See, I told you) Ter said.

(He’s in love with the cat now.)

   “Dao…”

(Congratulations, cat, longing means something when it’s truly conveyed.)

   “Yeah…it was good to send it; if I just kept it like that, it would have only been a longing known by me alone.”

…

After hanging up, I looked at the time; it was almost one in the morning. I got up to sit at my desk, looking at a picture of Fan smiling, and I couldn’t help but smile broadly.

“Fan…I am so happy to have this day.”

“I used to think his life had no meaning without you, Fan, but in the end, I met everyone, learned many things, and realized that living is the best thing.”

“I used to think the rain would never stop, but when it did, the sky was truly beautiful. That’s right, it was worth waiting patiently for.”

“For the bright sky.”

I wrote a letter to Fan as I do every day without fail, sharing every story I’ve encountered today. I bought a new storage box and placed it next to the shelf where I keep the letters, which included letters from Phii Fah and various photos he had sent back. I clipped them in order with paper clips along a string attached to the wall.

   No matter what…photographs remain the best place to keep good memories.

   Many might think that writing letters is outdated and no one does it anymore, but there’s a charm in handwriting that you don’t get from typing chats. We can feel his emotions and remember them through the characters he writes.

   We got to know each other through sheets of paper.

   We talked, we shared good feelings.

   We took care of each other. We had time to think of each other. We waited each day for the feelings to be conveyed.

   We fell in love.

   Through those little letters.

   During the exam period, I would leave more snacks for Phii Fah than usual, and today was no different. I arrived at the medical faculty in the evening and went up to Phii Gibb’s coffee shop.

“Oh, here you go,” Phii Gibb handed me the paper bag that Phii Fah had left for me. I smiled and took it, rushing back to my dorm to open it as usual, and I was surprised when I looked inside the paper bag.

No snacks…

Just a photo and a letter.

It was a Polaroid photo of a brick-red sky that I wasn’t sure if it was morning or evening, with a message inside the letter that read:    Would it be possible,    if I wanted to meet you once?    Because if I don’t get to meet you,    I might just go crazy.

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 22: Falling

   “North.”

“Hmm.”

“Am I small?”

“No, you’re big like a bear.”

“…”

“What?”

I looked at him until he turned his gaze away from the drawing he was working on and looked at me.

“Yesterday…Phii Fah patted my head and said I was really small.”

“…”

North furrowed his brows at me. In truth, during these art club sessions, the one who suffers the most is North because he says he’s terrible at art, and I think that’s true. North isn’t skilled in this area at all.

“North, why do you need so much concentration?” Since I had finished my drawing, I went to bother him.    “Hey, can I have some time to myself, please?”    “Do you want Dao’s help?” I suggested.

The person in question was currently painting on the opposite side.

Dao glanced over when he heard his name.

   “Why do your face look green now?”

“I’m concentrating, holding my breath to draw.”

“My friend is going to suffocate.”

“North, my friend, don’t force it,” Ter leaned over to look at North who was sitting there with a tense expression, “You might die, you know.”

“Sigh” North exhaled loudly, “I can’t do it, Dao, help me out.”

“You should just call my name.”

“Uncle Daotok.”

“Sigh,” Dao let out a small sigh before getting up to sit in North’s place and continued drawing, “Hmm…should we use a new sheet of paper?”

“You’re quite forceful, huh?’ North whispered to me while patting my back, watching Dao take away the sheet North had been drawing on and start fresh with a new one, “So, what about it, little one?”

“Uh…little one.”

“Is that a polite way of saying he is short?”

“…Did Phii Fah call me short?” I made a surprised face, “No way, right?”

“North, you’re just…” Ter spoke up, although his eyes were still focused on his own drawing, “It’s a cute way to call someone.”    “Oh?” North furrowed his brows, thinking, “And what did Phii Fah say?”

“He said, really small, too.”

“Why did he have to say ‘really’ too?”

“I don’t know,” I shook my head gently, “But Ter…he didn’t mean

I’m short, did he?”

“No, I told you not to listen to North too much,” Ter said, giving

North an annoyed look, while North raised his eyebrows cheekily at

Ter, “It’s cute, that’s all.”

“Really?” At first, it felt…how should I say it, but hearing Phii Fah say that made me blush in a way I couldn’t describe, and after that, we didn’t talk much more until we went to study and then parted ways to go home.

“Another thing you should focus on is that he patted your head.”    “…Yeah,” I fell silent, thinking back to yesterday’s event made me smile involuntarily; it still felt warm in my heart even after several hours had passed.

“Yeah, and have you talked on LINE?”

“Huh?”

“With Phii Fah, you said when you distanced yourself, you blocked him on LINE,” North’s words reminded me, honestly, I hadn’t even thought about that with all that had happened in the last couple of days. I quickly took out my phone and opened LINE.    “Should I unblock and message him?” I asked hesitantly.”

“That’s good, then Phii Fah will know you’ve unblocked him.”    “Oh…about LINE…I also blocked Phii Fah on Fan’s LINE,” I suddenly remembered. I hadn’t told Phii Fah anything about Fan yet, “Sigh, damn it, if I say I lied about Fan, will Phii Fah get angry?” I said, feeling worried. Why do my mistakes have so many angles?    “If you tell him about your sister, it’s…” North said with a serious expression, “Honestly, at first, you lied because you blurted it out, right? But when you wanted to tell the truth, your father wouldn’t let you, right?”

“…Yeah,” I nodded, “Something like that. I was going to apologize for blurting it out like that; I didn’t think about it at all, I was just scared at the time, but in the end, my father wouldn’t let me tell.”

“Then tell him the truth and apologize again.”

“I guess I’ll have to do that,” I felt a sense of gloom I couldn’t describe, as if we had just reconciled the other day, and now, after not long, I had to confess and apologize again, “It would be good if I could take Phii Fah to see Fan.”

“Why don’t you invite him?” Ter suggested, “You could do it during this break, after the finals are over.”

“Oh, right, then explain everything at once,” I said, and everyone nodded in agreement. I would try to invite Phii Fah to visit our hometown during the break, take him to see Fan, and then confess about lying that she was still alive.

I unblocked Phii Fah on LINE and decided to send him a sticker, but it still hadn’t been read. I wondered if Phii Fah still used this LINE account.

“Do you guys study every day?” I asked.

“Yes. The med students have to study every day. We study with them too. Are you going today?”

“Yeah, Dao, are you interested in joining us?”

“To study?”

“Yes, will you come?”

“I’d rather not. I have work.”

“More work? You haven’t stopped taking on work even during the exam period,” North said, ruffling Daotok’s hair hard. Dao just frowned and let North tease him like that. Once North let go, Dao slowly fixed his hair quietly, “But have you eaten anything today?”    “I have,” Dao said quickly, startling us. Why did he look so flustered? “I’ve already eaten, and it was a lot too, so don’t scold me.”    “What are you eating?” Ter asked.

“Skewered pork with sticky rice.”

“How much of each?”

“One skewer of pork, half a pack of sticky rice.”

“…” The three of us just looked at each other in silence. That’s half the amount a normal person would eat. Usually, one would eat two skewers of pork with one pack of sticky rice, right? “That’s not what normal people eat, Ter. Normally, you eat two skewers, don’t you?”

“Five skewers still wouldn’t fill me up, damn it.”

“See, Dao, use Ter as an example.”

“Ter can eat a lot. I can’t keep up with that.”

   After finishing our club work, we chatted for a while, and as usual, Dao would leave first to rush back to his job. The three of us would wait for the doctors.

   “Dao, you are diligent, huh? Are you saving up for a car?” North asked. After we sat down at Phii Gibb’s coffee shop, I secretly picked up the things Phii Fah had left for me in the morning, and I also left something with Phii Gibb. We walked in and sat at the innermost table.

“You’re so nosy.”

“Well, I’m a curious kid, so what did Phii Fah leave?”    “Here we go again with the curiosity,” I said, and North immediately pouted and furrowed his brows at me.

“Come on, let me see.”

“North, don’t push, move away,” I pushed North away when he tried to get closer to look at the contents of the bag in my hand.

“Just a little, let me see too.”

“You…”

“Hey, hey, hey, what is it? Wow, I’m excited.”

“Always overreacting,” Ter said, laughing at North’s reaction. I pulled out the item from the bag; it was a Polaroid photo of sunrise.    Phii Fah had taken this photo and sent it to me, with today’s date written on it, as if this photo was Phii Fah’s sky for today.”

   Turning around, North was already back in his original seat, next to Ter and opposite me, probably tired of teasing and squeezing. Despite this, he’s not really one to pry into others’ business.

   I put the drawing back into the bag as usual. Before I could even take out the letter to look at it, I remembered I shouldn’t open it now. What if the medical students came? So, I put the bag back into my pocket.

   And just as I thought, not even fifteen minutes later, all the medical students started coming in one by one, except for Phii Fah, who was standing at the counter at the front. I caught a glimpse of him picking up the items I had just left with Phii Gibb.

   …

Tonfah

   “Thank you,” I said as I took the items and thanked her. Phii Gibb smiled back, though if you looked closely, there was a hint of discomfort on her face, probably because of both yesterday and today. I usually come in the morning to pick up things, but now I’ve come in the evening, and both days I’ve run into Phoon, “Has he been gone long?”

“…Uh, for a while now.”

“Does he know that I came to get the stuff in the evening?”    “Oh…no, I didn’t tell him,” Phii Gibb said with a smile, “And why did you come in the evening? Were you waiting for someone?” “No,” I answered honestly. Yesterday, I didn’t plan to wait for Phoon when I came to drop off the items, but Hill told me that Phoon wouldn’t be going with him, saying he had some errands. That made me guess what those errands might be. I didn’t want Phoon to go through the trouble of dropping off things for me and then having to take a taxi to the café.

   So, I…waited for the time when I thought Phoon would have finished giving the items to Phii Gibb before I entered the shop, which seemed to be perfectly timed with when Phii Gibb was making cocoa.    As for today, I came here because everyone had made plans to meet up.

   “Oh, doctor.”

“Yes?” I was about to leave when Phii Gibb called me back.

“Ask you something.”

“Yes?”

“Have you been talking with the person from the letters for long?”    “Um…” I was quiet for a moment, calculating the time, “It’s been almost two months I think.” Because he’s been sending me letters since the start of the semester for about two months until the midterm when I sent a letter back, and now we’re in the finals.

“‘It’s been quite a while, huh?”

“I guess so.”

“And what are you going to do when the finals are over and it’s the summer break?”

“…Oh, I haven’t thought about that yet.”

I’ve been thinking for a while that if we keep writing letters like this, we won’t talk during the summer break because no one will be here, Phii Gibb’s shop will be closed, and during the break, which lasts for months, most people go back home. Phoon probably won’t be at the dorm either.

   “Fah, what do you want to eat?”

“I don’t know,” I said before sitting down on the sofa at the table next to Arthit. It seemed like the conversation at the table was now about dinner.

“You’re not giving any suggestions,” Jo said, sounding annoyed,

“Let’s just go with whatever Ter wants.”

“Me again?” Ter furrowed his brow and asked, come to think of it, ever since my birthday, when it comes to deciding what to eat, all six or seven of us just go along with whatever Ter wants, “Hmm…I feel like sushi.”

“Which sushi place?” Hill asked.

“I read some reviews the other day; there’s one that looks delicious,” Ter said, his eyes lighting up.    And so, we went to the    sushi place that Ter had found.

“Phoon, are you coming too?” Ter asked, and Phoon seemed hesitant. Usually, Phoon would go with Hill.

“Phoon can go with me,” I suggested, which made the little one pause slightly, and suddenly, his face started to turn a faint red before he slowly walked over to me.

“I’ll go with Phii Fah,” Phoon said, Ter nodded and walked out with Hill. I secretly smiled with satisfaction when the little one decided to come with me, before we got into the car.

“Phii Fah.”

I slowly turned to look at the person who had just called my name.

   Why, I wonder…it’s never been like this before.

   I’ve never been called by my name and felt that my name sounded so pleasant.

   “Yes?”

“I…uh, I sent a message to you on LINE.”

Oh…so you’ve unblocked me on LINE then.

   “Oh, what’s up?”

“Nothing, just sent a message.”

“I’ll reply when I get back.”

“Okay.”

The person next to me went silent. I handed the bag of gifts I had just received to Phoon, who looked quite flustered when he saw the white paper bag.

   “Can you hold this for a bit? I need to drive.”

“…Okay.”

I started the car and drove off, glancing at him from time to time. He seemed very tense, not even daring to touch the paper bag, because he kept looking out of the car window, leaving me to see only a glimpse of his flushed face, including his ears which were starting to turn red.

That made me wonder, why could one person be this adorable?

“Phoon, can you help me with something?”

“What is it?”

“Can you take out what’s in the bag?”

“…” Since I was focusing on the road ahead, I didn’t see what expression he was making, but I guessed he must be really nervous.

“What’s in the bag?”

“Uh…Polaroid photos, a letter, and…some snacks.”    Hearing his shaky voice made me unable to suppress a smile.

   So cute…

   “What kind of photos are they?”

“Photos…of flowers.”

“Can you read the letter to me, please?”

“…Is that okay?”

“Yes, I want to know what the letter says, but I’m driving, so you, please read it to me.”

“…”

Phoon was silent for a moment. I secretly saw that he was slowly taking the letter out of the bag and unfolding it.

   “To…to you.”

I stayed quiet, waiting for Phoon to read the letter, trying not to smile.

   The sweet, pleasant voice slowly read the contents of the letter in a low, somewhat halting tone for some sentences. The content of the letter wasn’t much different from our usual conversations.    I was curious to see how embarrassed Phoon would be having to read out the messages he wrote for me like this, but from his face and cheeks, which were red to the point of almost bursting, I could guess well enough.

   “Is that all?”

“…Yes.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Phoon said with a sigh, then put the letter back in the paper bag.

The reason I wanted Phoon to read it out loud was partly to tease him, but the main reason was…I wanted to hear the voice of the letter’s author, to have him tell me the stories in his own voice, not just read from the text.

   And now I know that

   The real author of the letter is even cuter than I had imagined.

   …

Typhoon

   I didn’t dare to even look at the paper bag that had just been placed on my lap, my heart beating so fast I couldn’t control it, glancing at the road and the view outside the window. I didn’t dare to look at the person beside me to see what expression he was making.

   Phii Fah…

   Why did you make me read the letter?”    Damn…

   I bit my lower lip tightly without realizing it, my hands trembling slightly. I didn’t know how I should feel about having to read my own letter to someone I like, and the content I wrote in the letter was like…

   So embarrassing…

   I was so embarrassed I wanted to stuff my face into the car’s air vent!

   I bet my face must have been very red, so I tried to turn away to avoid being noticed by the other person. During the drive, we didn’t talk anymore, and by the time I noticed, the car had turned into a restaurant I wasn’t familiar with.

   “This place is…” I tried to look at the sign at the front of the store, realizing it wasn’t the sushi place Ter mentioned. Did Phii Fah get lost? Unlikely, why didn’t he go to that place with the others?

“Oh.”

“This place is good, give it a try,” the person beside me said with a smile, unbuckling his seatbelt and getting out of the car. As I was about to open my door, I noticed Phii Fah had walked around to open the door for me.

…Open the door for me?

   “Thank you,” I said in a faint voice, still surprised by what had just happened, and I followed him into the restaurant.

So, it means we’re eating just the two of us…

   Oh…this is bad. I’m afraid I’ll be so nervous I won’t know what to do, like just now when I was reading, my face was all flustered, my voice shaky, and my tongue almost got tied up.

   We walked into the restaurant, which was beautifully decorated, and the staff led us to a table inside. I was a bit tense because I’m not used to such fancy places; the times I’ve been to nice restaurants were when I went out with Uncle-Kong, and he took me to good places.

   Speaking of Uncle-Kong, it’s been a while since we talked.    We ordered our food, and once the atmosphere at the table turned silent again, I felt awkward. Probably because we hadn’t talked in years, and now that we’re talking again, it felt a bit uncomfortable.

   “When do your finals start?”

“‘Oh…um, the twenty-sixth,” I said. Late November to early

December is the final exam period, and I’ll be retaking exams in March, which leaves me with just this much time. I’m not sure if I can manage it. Normally, people prepare for university entrance exams for years. I did read about it, but I’ve forgotten some of it.

“What about you, Phii Fah?”

“From the twentieth to about mid-month.”

“Oh, how many exams do you have?”

“Just three finals, because we’ve been having block exams all along,” Phii Fah explained. I nodded to show I understood; it seems like in the medical faculty, midterms or finals are tough but not numerous because they’ve been having exams spread out.    In simple terms, it’s a continuous strain because you’re always taking exams.

   We talked about how the finals were going to be. I hadn’t told Phii Fah yet that I was planning to retake my exams. I was still considering whether to tell him because Phii Fah has always encouraged me to study what I love from the start.

   After a while, the food was served.

   “Phii Fah.”

“Yes?”

“I…am planning to retake the exams.”

“Another year, huh?”

I nodded instead of answering.

“Won’t it be too late? Now you are in his second year, if you retake, you’ll have to start from the first year again while your friends are in their third year,” I asked hesitantly. Honestly, this reason is another one that worries me; it does feel bad to graduate later than my peers.

“No. Two years is a small price for a lifetime of work; it’s worth it.”

“…That’s true.”

“Where are you planning to retake?”

“I want to study photography.”

“Hmm…” the person sitting across from me drew out the sound, looking up at me with interest, “Photography?”

“Yes.’”

“Hmm…good then, Phoon really likes it, doesn’t he?” Phii Fah said. I caught a slight twitch of his lips into a smile, as if he had something on his mind, “But does that major accept art students?”

“Yes, it accepts art students,” I said, meaning I wouldn’t have to take the hard physics, chemistry, and biology exams for the science majors, just the basic ones.

“So, the content won’t be too much. Have you been preparing for a while?”

I shook my head slightly, “Not yet, I just started reading recently,

I’m a bit worried I won’t have enough time.”

“You’ll have enough time,” Phii Fah smiled, “Would you like me to tutor you?”

“…”

I looked at the person sitting across from me in amazement, all the memories I could recall from when I asked Phii Fah to tutor me were…when I was rude to him.

   “Phii Fah, what are you explaining? I don’t understand at all!”    “Forget it, even if I teach you won’t understand anyway, let’s just drop this chapter.”

   “You don’t have to teach this part, it’s fine.”

   Even though I behaved so badly…Phii Fah still offers to tutor me?    “…Yes, please tutor me” I said after pursing my lips tightly, feeling a tightness in my chest, “Thank you,” I expressed my thanks with a firm voice, although deep down, I wanted to say sorry again.    “It’s no problem, but can we do it after I have finished his finals?”    “Yes, yes,” I nodded quickly, smiling broadly.

Why is Phii Fah so kind?

   And deep down, I’m quite greedy myself.

   Because I want Phii Fah to be kind only to me.

   “Phii Fah.”

“Yes?”

“‘So…um, about the letter.’

I decided to bring up the topic of the letter since Phii Fah had me read it, indicating he wasn’t trying to hide it from me. But I had no idea how Phii Fah felt about the person in the letter. Asking subtly shouldn’t be a problem, right?

   “So…that letter, um…”

Because I was just standing there, unsure what to ask, Phii Fah, who was waiting to listen, raised his eyebrows in curiosity.

“You can ask, what’s up?”

“It’s just…like…”

If I were someone who knew nothing about the letter, if this were the first time I’d seen that letter, what should I ask?

   “Who is it?”

“Oh…” Phii Fah was silent for a moment before shaking his head slightly, “I don’t know.”    “Oh…you talk to each other?”

“Yes.”

“But you don’t know who it is?”

“I don’t know.”

“You talk even though you don’t know who it is?” I pretended to furrow my brows, asking with the most curious expression I could muster.

“Yes, he didn’t say who he is.”

“Oh…so you exchange letters like pen pals?”    “Something like that,” Phii Fah said.

“Oh…”

What to ask, what to ask, stay calm, Typhoon, be patient, keep your face as natural as possible!

   “Phii Fah, you hardly know anything about him, right?” I looked up at the person sitting across from me, who had his hand under his chin, glancing at me with a voice that seemed to carry a hint of strange cunning, but I probably imagined it.

After talking for a while, the food we ordered was taken care of, the staff cleared the empty plates and told us to wait for dessert to be served.

   But…

   What does that look Phii Fah is giving me mean?

   Damn it.

   I couldn’t even meet his eyes…

   “Hasn’t he told you anything about himself?” I asked back, trying to keep my voice from trembling.

“Hmm, he hardly says anything, doesn’t answer when asked.”

“Oh…that’s bad.”

“Exactly.”

“…” I immediately raised my eyebrows to look at Phii Fah upon hearing that because he wasn’t showing much expression, but I guessed he must not be okay with it.

Really…

   Just as I thought…

   How can someone like Phii Fah, who knows almost nothing about the other person, find stability in this relationship? Even if I say I’ve gotten close to Phii Fah, it’s probably not close enough to make him feel secure.

   “But it’s okay, this is fine too.”

“When you say it’s okay…” I said, “Is it okay to keep talking without even knowing their name?”

“If it’s a point where he’s comfortable, I’m okay with it.”

“…”

“This is as close as it gets.”

“Oh…” That word hurt, “How long have you been talking?”

“Hmm, it’s been several months.”

“How much longer can this go on?”

“‘Anytime is fine.”

“…”

Listening to it…it seems like Phii Fah really likes the person from the letters, doesn’t he?

   And there’s no need to ask for any reasons.

   My heart was beating hard, swelling up as if it might float away, creating a warmth that couldn’t be described in words.

   I’ve fallen in love with you again.

   And this must be the millionth time I’ve fallen in love with you.

   “Phoon, are you okay?” Phii Fah asked, probably because he saw me go quiet. I showed a faint smile and shook my head slightly.

“I’m fine. Just thinking it’s nice.”

“What’s nice?”

“That you and that person exchange letters.”

“Hmm, why?”

“Well…it seems, um,” because even I didn’t quite understand what I was saying, I didn’t know how to respond, “It’s kind of cute, I guess, like not many people send letters to each other anymore.”

“Right? I like it.”

“That’s why it’s nice.”

“Hmm…but there are some downsides.”

“What?”

“Like, if I want to meet, I can’t meet, if I want to hear their voice, I can’t hear it,” Phii Fah said, which made me pause slightly, “Also…if he disappears, I wouldn’t know what to do.”

“Oh…yeah, if he disappears…” I accidentally repeated Phii Fah’s words. I don’t know why, seeing Phii Fah with his hand under his chin looking at me like this made me feel uneasy, as if I were being watched.

“Right? If he were to disappear, he must be quite cruel.”

“Must…must be cruel?”

“If he makes me love him this much, isn’t it a bit cruel to just disappear?”

“…”

“If he’s going to act that cute, you should learn to take responsibility for feelings, right?”    Uh…what does that mean?

   What…what?

   Cute?

   Someone acting cute?

   That cute…take responsibility for feelings    Oh…uh…what does that mean?

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 21: For Special One

   “Thank you for what?”

“…”

“What do you think Phii Fah is thanking me for, or am I just hearing things?’

“I don’t know, Phoon, you’ve been asking me since morning.’

‘It’s bothering me.”

‘I don’t know, I’m not Phii Fah,’ Ter turned to me, sighing with a tired look because Phii Fah’s ‘thank you’ kept me awake last night, so I had to bother Ter with what was bothering me, ‘Anyway, what you should focus on is that Phii Fah helped you, right?”

“…That thing,” I said in a muffled voice, burrowing into Ter’s arm,

“Hic, Ter.”

“Ouch, Phoon, get off, it’s hot”’

“Ter!”

“Your voice is cracking again.’”

“Sob, Phii Fah is so kind, he even remembered that I’m afraid of the dark,” I ignored Ter trying to push me away. I burrowed in even more, before Ter sighed in resignation and stopped pushing.

“Alright, let it out.”

“You, I’m like…” I raised my hand to my chest with a pleased expression.

“You remind me of that one team,” Ter said after seeing my face,

“The one with the fat cat, that does the heart-holding pose.”

“Really?” I thought for a moment, “Yeah, I’ve seen that.”

“Come on, do it again, I’ll turn you into a meme.”

“No way, I’m shy.”

“Quick, give me twenty.”

“Alright,” I raised my hand to do the heart-holding pose again, making a pleased face once more. Ter lifted his camera to take a picture of me, “Where’s my twenty?”

“Here,” Ter handed me a green banknote. I smiled and took it immediately, like it was the copyright fee for him using my photo for a meme, “I don’t need to look for memes anymore, I’ll just use you as the cat team.”

“Oh come on,” I said sarcastically, “Now, back to my issue.”

“Sigh” Ter exhaled wearily, I’ve been teasing him since morning,

“What do you think you should thank him for?”

“I don’t know, man, come on!” Ter shook me, losing patience, “He thanked you, shouldn’t you know why? I, I don’t know anything, what are you expecting from me?”

“Ouch, I’m getting dizzy, stop, stop,” I said to stop him before Ter let go, “Or…do you think there’s a chance Phii Fah knows about the person in the letters?”

“Hmm, why would he know?”

“I don’t know.”

“Did you accidentally write in the letter’s style for Phii Fah?”    “No,” I shook my head. I was sure I wrote in my normal handwriting on the gift, “No, no, that’s not true.”    “Then, did you thank or apologize for something?”

“Normally, people say thanks, would someone else apologize?”    “I don’t know, but I doubt it,” Ter said with an annoyed look, “Why don’t you just ask? Then you’ll know for sure.”

“‘No,’ I started whining when Ter pushed me to go ask Phii Fah again, ‘No. Not asking. Don’t know. Not going. Not meeting. No, no, no.’

“Yeah, you’re good at being shy.”

“You, I still don’t know how to act when I meet Phii Fah, knowing that tonight we have to study together again, I”ve been practicing smiling since last night,” I said honestly, because we hadn’t talked in a year. I felt tense in a way I couldn’t explain, and knowing we’d be studying together today, I tried to act natural.

“Come on, smile.”

I forced a wide smile.

“Yeah, you’re so tense it even reaches your eyebrows.”

‘really?”

“Yeah, just be yourself.”

“Be myself how? We haven ‘t talked in a year. I don’t know what to do.”

“Come on,” Ter gently tapped my shoulder, “Let’s go eat after class, okay?”

“Yeah,” I nodded in agreement. Right now, Ter and I were in class, and Foam still hadn’t come back, probably dealing with some family business, “Ah, we haven’t visited Dao yet.”

“Dao has been discharged from the hospital, haven’t you seen the

LINE messages?”

“Oh, really? That was quick.”

“It wasn’t anything serious, was it?”

“Has he gotten better?”

“I think so. Otherwise, the doctor wouldn’t have let him out.”

“Hmm…he really deserves a good beating, not eating like that.”    “You used to barely eat yourself, Phoon. Don’t go thinking you can judge others for being beatable,” Ter said with a disgusted look, because I really didn’t eat much back then, and I didn’t sleep well either.

“Now I have to eat. You guys force me to,” I pouted, remembering that in the beginning, when I refused to eat, North threatened to punch me, and he actually raised his fist, though deep down he was worried, but his way of showing it was quite barbaric, “North should go force

Dao to eat too.”

“Just wait and see, North might just shove food into his mouth.”

“Honestly, it looks a bit harsh, but it’s cute in its own way.”

“Yeah, it’s the kind of cuteness from North that…is hard to see.”

“Ha ha.”

Because today we had an appointment to eat and then study together. Normally, I would have to wait around five to six to go to Phii Gibb’s coffee shop to drop off some stuff, but now, at about four, Phii Hill was already there to pick me up.

   “What should I do…”

“Yeah, just tell them you have some errands, and you’ll follow later, okay?”

“Should I do that?”

“Hmm, or should we wait?”

“No, it’s fine, you go ahead. I’ll drop off the stuff at the coffee shop and then catch a taxi to the restaurant. Which restaurant are we going to?”

“I can’t remember the name of the place, I’ll send you the location later.”

“Okay.”

“Okay, don’t get lost.”

“I won’t. I’ll just get in a taxi.”

I watched Ter walk away. I sat waiting for a while near my faculty before heading to the medical building. I looked at my watch; it was about half past five, and people were starting to leave. I rushed to Phii Gibb’s coffee shop.

   “How was this morning?” I asked Phii Gibb discreetly, referring to how Phii Fah was when he came to pick up the stuff this morning because I had left my Polaroid camera as a birthday gift.

“The doctor was smiling.”

“He looked happy, right?”

“Yes,” Phii Gibb nodded and smiled at me, “Here,” and handed me the bag Phii Fah had left in the morning. I took it and immediately put it in my bag.

“Please give him this for me,” I said with a smile, handing over the items I wanted to leave with Phii Gibb. Phii Gibb took them and placed them in the drawer under the counter, “Thank you.”    “It’s no problem, so how are things going? How’s the relationship progressing?”

“Well…” I was silent for a moment, trying to hold back a smile but ended up smiling anyway, “Good.”

“Here, the doctor asked me to treat you to cocoa,” Phii Gibb said. I nodded to show I understood because Phii Fah and I always did this, treating each other. I was sitting on a chair in front of the counter; there was no one else in the shop since it was almost closing time, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone entering the shop.

   Phii Fah…?

   It felt like my heart stopped for a moment before it started beating fast, surprising even myself, when I saw the familiar person standing next to me.

   Wh…why is he here?

   Phii Fah looked at me with a slightly surprised expression before smiling. I slowly smiled back, but I was sure my smile must have looked very stiff.

   “Here you go, cocoa for the special one,” Phii Gibb turned around holding a cup of cocoa, pausing when she saw Phii Fah standing next to me. I looked at Phii Gibb with a slightly uncomfortable gaze, and she gave a sheepish smile, as if apologizing, then placed the cocoa in front of me.

“The special one, huh?” Phii Fah asked, my heart beating hard and my hands starting to shake uncontrollably. I didn’t look to see what expression the person next to me had, but that tone of voice made me feel completely numb.

What…that cunning tone of voice.

   “Oh…well, Phoon is a special customer of the shop.”

“I see,” Phii Fah said, “I’m here to pick up something.”

“Usually, you come in the morning, why are you here today?”

“I just happen to be free right now,” I took a sip of the cocoa in my hand to calm my nerves, Phii Gibb bent down to retrieve the same bag I had just handed her.

She straightened up, “Thank you.”

“No problem.”

“And did you treat him to cocoa?”

“Oh…of course, I haven’t forgotten.”

“Has he been here long?”

“For a while now.”

“Okay, then I’ll get going.”

“Okay,” Phii Gibb smiled. I just sat there quietly, feeling something indescribable because the cocoa Phii Fah had just asked if I had bought for him was the same cocoa in my hand right now.    I tried to control my heartbeat from racing too much, but I didn’t succeed. I was almost panting.

   “Will Phoon go to the study session too?”

“…Uh, yes.”

“How will you get there?”

“…I’ll take a taxi.”

“Wanna go with me?”

“…” I didn’t respond immediately; if I refused, it would definitely look bad because we were going the same way. So, I nodded slightly in response and followed Phii Fah quietly.

“Do you like this café?” Phii Fah asked while we were walking to the car. I wasn’t walking beside him, I was about one step behind.

“Uh…yes, I like it.”

“I thought your faculty had its own coffee shop, is this one better?”

“…Yes.”

Why do I feel so uncomfortable, and I don’t even know why? The coffee at my faculty is good too, but I had to come here, T^T.    I got into Phii Fah’s car stiffly; perhaps it was because I hadn’t ridden in his car in a while, and to think of it, it wasn’t even the same car anymore. Did Phii Fah change cars again?    The things Phii Fah just gave me were in my bag…

   The cool air conditioning in the car didn’t help me feel relaxed at all, nor did the cold cocoa in my hand. Both my face and ears felt hot. I just kept looking out the car window as the luxurious car slowly left the medical faculty parking lot. Phii Fah still drove as smoothly as ever.

   It felt nice because Phii Fah is one of the few people whose driving doesn’t make me dizzy.

   “Phoon?”

“…Yes?”

“”How are you doing?”

“Good…I’m fine, and you, Phii Fah?”

“I’m good.”

“…okay.”

“…You can tell me anything.”

“…Oh,…okay.”

I clenched my lips tightly and started to feel a tightness in my heart. Of course, suddenly disappearing and then suddenly reappearing, anyone would feel surprised.

   And between us, there was only silence until we reached the restaurant where we were supposed to have dinner together. I followed Phii Fah quietly as usual. I saw Ter, North, Phii Hill, Phii Jo, and Phii Arthit, all sitting there. The ones who looked the most surprised to see me walking with Phii Fah were clearly North and Ter.

   I sat down next to Ter.

   The person next to me didn’t say anything, probably because he knew it wasn’t the right time to talk. We ordered our food and started eating.

   The atmosphere at the table wasn’t much different from usual, but I noticed that all the doctors seemed tired, probably because of exams.    “Do you want beer?” Phii Jo turned to ask Phii Arthit, who nodded in agreement before Phii Jo ordered from the waiter.

“Don’t drink too much,” Phii Fah warned.

“Just enough to feel better.”

“Hmm.”

I’ve heard people say that drinking beer after work can help you relax, though I’m not sure if it’s true; it might depend on the person.

But North didn’t say anything when he saw Phii Jo drinking, as long as it wasn’t too much, he could still drive.

“The wind is strong like it’s going to rain,” Ter said after a breeze came in, “Hope it doesn’t rain again.” I looked around and felt the wind getting stronger and stronger, which made me uneasy because yesterday it rained and the power went out.

And then…it started raining.

“’Damn,” someone cursed as the rain began to fall. After we finished eating, we walked outside where there was still some shelter.”    “Hill, where did you park your car?” Phii Jo asked. It seemed like this café had several parking spots.

“Out back, what about you?”

“Next to, uh, Arthit.”

“What should we do?” Phii Hill asked, “Go straight to the café?”

“We’ll have to go now. Otherwise, we won’t have time to study,”

Phii Jo said, “Phii Fah, where did you park?”

“Right in front.”

“Okay, then see you at the café.”

“Uhmm,” Phii Fah responded, before Phii Jo took North to where his car was parked with Phii Arthit walking along, and then Phii Hill turned to ask me.

“Will Phoon go with them, or with me?”

“…Uh, I’ll go with you,” I replied, because I came with Phii Fah, how could I let him walk through the rain to the car alone? Then Phii Hill and Ter walked off in another direction.

“Wouldn’t it be better to go with Hill? You wouldn’t get as wet,” Phii Fah asked when it was just the two of us standing there, sheltering from the rain.    I shook my head gently.

“It’s fine.”

“Okay.”

Suddenly, there was silence between us again amidst the sound of the pouring rain, which made me think of yesterday when Phii Fah came to help me when I was stuck in the bathroom. It was strange that we should have hurried to the car, but instead, we were standing here as if we had something to say to each other.

   “Yesterday…thank you for coming to help.”

“Sure…it’s no problem.”

“I remembered that you are afraid of the dark.”

“I remember, yes.”

“And then…silence…again.

“Phii Fah.”

“Yes?”

“In the past year…I have grown a lot.”

“I can see that, you have become good.”

I smiled a little when I heard that, not looking at the person beside me to see what expression he was making.

“You are not going to ask why I…”

“Do you want to tell?”

“No.”

“Then it’s fine, I believe it must be something that was very hard for you.”

“Yes…”

I wanted to say ‘thank you for understanding,’ but I’ve been saying ‘thank you’ to Phii Fah too much lately. Maybe because, for me, there are hundreds of reasons to thank Phii Fah.

“At first, I was very afraid that you would be angry…”

I turned to look at the person next to me, then fell silent as his hand gently patted my head. I looked up at Phii Fah, feeling like my breath was caught for a moment when I saw him giving me a warm smile.

“I told you, I am not angry, don’t overthink it.”

“Y-yes…”

I showed a faint smile, my face flushing red, feeling warmth spread across my chest, my heart beating so fast it felt like it might burst out, until Phii Fah let out a small laugh. I then looked back at him.

“What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“…”

“Just thinking you’re really small, too.”

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 20: Are With You

   Tonfah

   I glanced out the window while sitting on the hanging chair in my room.

I leaned back against the chair and inhaled deeply. It seemed that this matter had quite an impact on my heart, just as Jo had said. I got up from the chair and went to rummage through the cupboard, finding an old notebook of Phoon’s from when we were together.

I brought that notebook from the table, along with the daily letters I received and the birthday gift Phoon had just given me.    It’s not the same, the handwriting of Phoon compared to the handwriting in the letters.

But…Phoon’s handwriting has changed.

He might not even realize it himself, because writing two different styles every day, there’s a high chance that both styles could merge.    The words “Happy Birthday” written on the gift, they seemed like a blend of Phoon’s real handwriting and the handwriting from the letters.

When I first received the gift, I didn’t notice it right away. While reading a book with friends at the shop, I suddenly felt something was off; when I looked at it again, I was surprised. Although there was no evidence, I was more than ninety percent sure in my feelings that the person in the letters was Phoon…

Shortly after, the lights in the shop went out. As soon as the commotion started, the first thought that popped into my head was, what about Phoon…

“I wasn’t too surprised when the power went out because, in this area, if it rains heavily, accidents happen often. When the lights went out, everyone started turning on their phone flashlights and shining them around, but I didn’t see Phoon in the room. Ter said Phoon had gone to the bathroom. The next thing I knew, I was running out because there were two bathrooms in the shop. At first, I thought Phoon would be in the closer one, but when I checked, no one was there, so I quickly ran downstairs.

Amid the pounding rain and thunderclaps, I heard someone crying and shouting inside, claiming the door latch was broken. Without thinking, I broke down the door.

Phoon rushed into my arms, trembling with fear, making me worry deeply. All I could do was hug him, comforting him that everything was okay now. The person in my embrace continued to cry and speak incoherently, like someone who couldn’t control their emotions, from the initial words of apology. I wasn’t angry anymore; I just needed that apology. Now, with the tearful apologies filled with guilt, I realized that Phoon truly felt very guilty towards me.

It made me feel secretly happy, knowing that Phoon still considered my feelings.

As I’ve said, I’m someone who is often forgotten when it comes to feelings, probably because I’m too kind to others, so people think a simple apology is enough, or worse, they think someone like me can’t get angry or doesn’t have the right to be angry.

“Hic, sob, Phii Fah, please don’t be angry with me, I…hic, I won’t do it again.”

“I am not angry anymore,” I said in response to my feelings that I was no longer angry, hoping to calm the other down, gently wiping the tears from his face.

No matter the time, the only person I would refer to myself by name when talking to is really just Phoon.

“Okay now?”

“Yes.”

“Then let’s go back upstairs.”

“Yes.”

I reached out to hold his hand, and he didn’t say anything before following me quietly.

“Thank you.”

Amid the sound of the heavy rain that drowned out the sound of my heart, the thanks from the other person rang out. I wasn’t quite sure what he was thanking me for.

“But…”

“Thank you too.”

I responded with thanks.

It was a thank you for coming back and a thank you for the care, attention, letters, and photos, all the love that Phoon expressed for me to feel.

   I used to see Phoon only as a little brother, and Phoon himself acted like he was just a little brother.

   Because Phoon never showed how much he loved me. If Phoon had let me know from the beginning that he could love me this much, I wouldn’t have let so much time pass.

   If it’s like this,

   How could I not fall in love with you?

   ‘Happy Birthday to you’

   Happy Birthday. I think you’ve already received many birthday wishes, but I’m sure I’m one of the few who prayed for you. Tonight, I prayed that you would only have happiness because your smile is one of the wonders of the world, whether in your studies or work. I know you’re already good, so I’ll pray that you’re not tired anymore, that you sleep well every night and wake up as fresh as the sun in the morning.

   Would it be too funny if I said thank you for being born, lol, but I really want to say that. Thank you for being you today because you are you, that’s more special than anything in this world, just like over twenty years ago when God blessed this world, and that blessing was you.

   I bought you a Polaroid camera as a birthday gift. If it’s not too much trouble, I’d like to invite you to take photos together. You might not like taking pictures much, but give it a try, it’s a good hobby. We can share photos from each day, but if you don’t like it, please keep it for future use. I’m sure it’ll be useful: )

   I smiled when I read the message on the paper. When it’s in a letter, it’s so long, but when handed to me face-to-face, it’s just this much. That means this year, I got two gifts from the same person. I reached into the bag to see what was inside…

There was a box for a Polaroid camera. I opened it to look and turned to see my own Polaroid camera that I had just bought. I bought it a few days ago with the intention of taking pictures to send to him, but when he…

I put my Polaroid camera back in the storage cabinet, there’s nothing I can do about it. In the bag, there was a Polaroid picture of a clear sky without a single cloud, with a message written underneath, “My prayers are with you: )”

“I smiled broadly again when I saw that message.

Yes…your prayer has reached me.

“Hill.”

“Hmm?”

“Can you take a look at this?”

Hill looked up at me. I placed my phone in front of him; the first image I showed him was of Phoon’s handwriting, and then I swiped to the next image, which was the handwriting of the person in the letter.

“What do you think?”

“Think what?”

“Is it the same person?”

“No,” Hill shook his head, “Not at all, but people can change their handwriting, right?”    “Not similar?”

“Yeah. Not similar.”

“Then look at this,” I swiped to another image, the third one was

Phoon”s handwriting that wrote, “Happy Birthday,” on a gift for me,

“Do you think this handwriting matches either of the first two?”

“…” Hill was silent for a moment, “Both.”

I stayed quiet, waiting for him to explain further.

“…No,” Hill swiped back and forth between the three images, “It’s more like the first one, but it also resembles the second one somewhat.”

“Hmm…try analyzing it.”    “Hmm? Why?”

“I just want to know if you think the same as I do.”

“Oh…” Hill started to furrow his brows a little, looking quite serious, his hand swiping back and forth between the images, after a while he said, “These three types of handwriting belong to the same person.”

“…Hmm.”

“The first style is what he’s been writing all along, the second style is new, but I’m not sure why he would combine the two into a third style, or maybe because…”

“He writes the two styles interchangeably all the time, so when he writes normally, he accidentally mixes them without realizing it.”    “Right, it’s like he got used to writing the other way,” said the person in front of me, lifting his hand to rest his chin, “If the first style is his usual handwriting, and he’s gotten used to writing the second style, it means he must have been very deliberate when writing in the second style, so when he goes back to writing normally, he mixes them up.”

“Exactly,” I nodded, Hill thinks just like me. At first, I was confident in my own thoughts, but after Hill said this, I became even more confident, “I think the first style is his normal writing because the strokes are more natural.”

“Hmm, the second style looks stiffer, which shows he’s trying to write…”    “Ah-ha.”

“And then what, do you want me to analyze this for…”

“I’ve found the person who was sending the letters.”

“Huh? You found them?”

“Not exactly, but he came to me himself.”

“Because of the handwriting?”

“Yeah.”

“If it weren’t for you, who would notice? If you hadn’t asked, I wouldn’t have tried to observe,” Hill raised his eyebrows, “So, it’s

Phoon then?”

“Yes,” I answered before picking up my phone again. If it had been anyone else, I would’ve been a bit surprised at how they knew it was Phoon without me saying anything, but this is Hill we’re talking about. From the content and handwriting, one could guess.

“Have you started looking at Phoon differently?” I nodded to answer his question, “And do you like Phoon like you liked the person in the letters?”

“Hmm, I like him the same, if Phoon is the person in the letters, I like Phoon, there’s no one else.”

“It’s a pity Phoon never showed it before,” the other person’s voice was calm. Right now, it was just me and Hill at the table. Jo and Arthit had gone somewhere, “When you were together, was there nothing? Did Phoon like you from the start or what?”

“Hill, I haven’t seen Phoon in almost four years, and when we met again, it was at university. What could there be?” I said, “I feel like

Phoon might like me, but just by looking, you’d know how much

Phoon likes me. Phoon never showed more than brotherly affection.

Sometimes I even think I might be imagining it.”

“…Oh, because Phoon doesn’t really show his feelings, does he?”    “Yeah…Especially back then when Phoon wasn’t very nice to me and then disappeared, I thought Phoon didn’t like me anymore.”

“…”

“When it came to the letter…”

“You like that the person in the letter cares about you, right?” “Yes…in a way no one has ever done, and he’s also the type I like. Honestly, I never knew Phoon had this side to him, this side that he writes to me in letters, the words, or anything like that, I’ve never seen

Phoon do that.”

“How do you feel now that you know?”

“I think…I can’t see Phoon just as a younger brother anymore.”

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 19: I Still Want You

   I quickly picked up the jacket to look at it, but found it was very large, just as I thought.

Loose…

Super loose

When I wore it, the jacket reached down to my thighs, but not to my knees. The sleeves were much longer than my arms.

That’s right…I’ve been wondering how Phii Fah knew my shirt size. He must have bought it just in case. Whatever, it’s okay, it’s still better than being too tight.

I walked over to look in the mirror and found myself looking like a kid wearing an adult’s shirt. Damn, I felt somehow bad, why am I this small?

Why didn’t I drink milk when I was a kid, hmm? No, I did drink it, and a lot too, even took it from Fan, but I didn’t get any taller. Who said drinking milk makes you tall? Even my kindergarten teacher lied to me, T^T.

I raised my arm to take a picture for him to show how loose the shirt was; my fingers didn’t even poke out from the sleeve. But whatever, I like it. I like the things Phii Fah buys for me, even if I can’t wear it to university.

I started writing a letter and attached the evidence photo:

Thank you for the shirt, it’s really beautiful.

   But…it’s too big, (; – 😉 I’m sorry. I should have drunk more milk when I was young.

   But no matter how loose it is, I’ll wear it anyway. I really like it.

Thank you again, you’re so kind.

   …

Tonfah

   Buying him a shirt as a gift wasn’t something I planned in advance; I received a letter about something happy, so I thought I should give him a gift too, and in the end, it was a winter jacket.

   I don’t know…just imagining him wearing the jacket I bought, just the thought makes me sure it must look very cute.

   I didn’t know his shirt size, so I bought the largest one from the collection just in case. If it’s loose, it’s fine, it might even make him look cuter. Plus, I chose white because I thought it would suit him well.

   But I didn’t expect it to be this loose.

   I looked at the Polaroid photo I just took out of the bag, it was a picture of him wearing my shirt, just the arm part, where the sleeve was so long you couldn’t see his hand.

   Is he that small…

   If the sleeve length doesn’t even reach, then the shirt must be way too big for him, when worn, it might turn into a dress.

   I’ve gathered a bit more information.

   He’s probably not even 170 centimeters tall…

   “Fah.”

“Hmm?”

“Sigh, I’ve called you three times already,” Jo said, looking annoyed at me.    “What is it?”

“I asked where you want to celebrate your birthday.”

“I don’t know, up to you guys.”

“But it’s your birthday.”

“Just do whatever you guys want.”

“Okay, then we’ll leave it to the juniors,” I nodded in agreement. Tomorrow is my birthday, I hardly noticed until my friends asked where we should celebrate. I don’t accept gifts from anyone other than my four close friends because it’s too much; there are so many people giving me gifts that I can’t handle it, so I’ve refused gifts from everyone else because it’s genuinely inconvenient.

“Do you want anything?” Hill asked, “It’s always a problem every birthday.”

“Yeah. I really don’t know what to buy, but if you ask what I want for my birthday, I don’t know either,” Jo said.

“I don’t want anything,” I raised my eyebrows, “You guys don’t have to buy anything, just let’s eat together.”

“Buying something is a must,” Hill said, “It’s your birthday after all.”

“Then anything will do,” I said casually.

Now I started to wonder if ‘Little One’ knows about my birthday.

Hmm…

‘Little One’

   Calling him that is kind of cute, better than saying ‘him’ or ‘that person.’

“You,” Arthit, who was sitting next to me writing, called out with a bored tone, “Do you feel anything strange?”

“Me?”

“Someone in love,” Jo teased, “How far have you gone?”

“Well, there’s nothing,” I said, “Just chatting.”

“Aren’t you afraid he might disappear?”

“I’m scared,” I answered honestly, “but I don’t know what to do.

Even though I feel like he doesn’t want to disappear either.”    “You can’t be sure, Fah,” Hill said, “Nothing guarantees he won’t disappear.” His words made me sigh involuntarily. In truth, this matter has been quite troubling for me because, as I’ve said, there’s nothing certain between us.

“At least, for your peace of mind, he should let you get a little closer,” Johan said, “Because right now, my friend isn’t being himself at all,” and he turned to smile at Hill, who nodded in agreement. I looked at them, not understanding much.

“Have you ever felt like this before?”

“Like what?”

“Like your heart…doesn’t belong to you anymore.”

…

Typhoon

   Today is Phii Fah’s birthday…

   I’ve prepared a gift for the person from the letters. I bought a

Polaroid camera because I want Phii Fah to take pictures with me. We’ll be able to share photos every day, but I’m not sure if Phii Fah will take pictures or not. If he doesn’t, it’s okay because Polaroids take beautiful photos anyway, one day he’ll definitely use it.

   “Phoon, are you going to the birthday party?”

“Hmm?” I turned to look at Ter sitting next to me, surprised, “Me?”

“Yeah, it’s Phii Fah’s birthday, are you going?”

“Can I go?”

“Of course.”

“Uh…” I was silent for a moment, “Who’s going?”

“The doctors, me, North.”

“Oh,” I went silent, thinking it over. Should I go? If I go, would it be weird? But I want to go. Since we’ve been talking through letters, and lately, um…it seems like Phii Fah…likes…me. I haven’t dared to look at Phii Fah since because I’m embarrassed…

   Thinking about the various phrases we’ve exchanged, the chocolate Phii Fah bought for me, the messages attached to the chocolate, and the white winter jacket I just received, when I think that it’s Phii Fah who sent them, that it’s Phii Fah I talk to every day, I start to feel nervous.

   Phii Fah doesn’t know.

   But I know…I can’t help but feel nervous.

   “Do we need to buy a gift?”

“Phii Fah said we don’t have to,” Ter said, “My gift is combined with Phii Hill, North’s gift is combined with Phii Jo. Usually, doctors aren’t that keen on getting gifts on their birthdays, but other friends will buy them anyway.”

“…Oh, so do I have to buy one?”

“You can buy something small, I guess. But haven’t you already prepared a gift?”

“That one is from the person in the letter,” I said. In fact, I had wrapped the gift nicely and written a card, but Phii Gib’s shop was closed today. So, I couldn’t get anything from Phii Fah nor give him my gift, “But where are we eating?”

“Just a regular seafood restaurant. Last night, Phii Hill asked me which restaurant I wanted to go to. I was confused why he was asking me on Phii Fah’s birthday, but Phii Fah said to do whatever everyone wanted, so Phii Hill followed me, Phii Jo followed North, and North followed me.”

“…So, in the end, everyone is following you?”

“Yes, and I wanted to eat seafood, so we’re going to a seafood restaurant.”

“Okay,” I nodded to show I understood. Today, Foam didn’t come to class because he had some family business, “Is it just us going?”

“Hmm, who else would there be?”

“North’s friends?”

“North said it’s better not to. They aren’t that close to Phii Fah, so they might feel awkward, and besides, it’s not like the birthday person wants anything grand. Just a quiet meal together is enough.”

“And me?”

“You meet Phii Fah often, don’t you?”

“…But actually, it’s just…” I went quiet for a moment before realizing, “Never mind, I’ll go then, since I want to see him anyway, and I’ve decided not to run away.”

“Yeah, that’s great, but let’s go eat around eight, then we can go back to studying.”

“…Why?”

“Phoon, we’re close to exams.”

“Yeah, but like I told you, I’m going to change my major.”    “But you still have to study the high school material, right? Let’s study together; studying alone is lonely,” I nodded slightly at Ter’s words, “After the birthday party, we’ll continue studying, it’s going to be so sad.”

“Hmm, right, and where will we study?”

“At the same coffee shop you got caught in the rain, yeah, it’s raining today just like that day,” Ter turned to look out the window, where it was pouring heavily outside. It’s Phii Fah’s birthday today, but it’s raining, this rain isn’t being nice at all.

“Do we need to buy a birthday gift?”

“It’s up to you.”

“And you?”

“I’ve bought one, it’s a book.”

“Wow…but I’ve run out of money,” I said, feeling down because I just bought a Polaroid camera, which was quite an expense. Even though I have savings, I try to limit my monthly spending, and this month I’ve already gone over budget.

“Something small will do.”

“How about a notebook?” I suggested my idea.

“Yeah, that’s good, we’ll stop by to buy one later.”

“Okay.”

After class, Phii Hill came to pick us up. I asked to stop by to buy a notebook before going to the shop. Luckily, the shop had a giftwrapping service; giving a plain notebook wouldn’t look good, but the gift box for the Polaroid camera, I wrapped that myself because I intended to give it to Phii Fah today. However, as I mentioned, Phii Gib’s shop was closed, so the gift is still in my bag.

I felt a bit surprised when Phii Hill looked at me through the front mirror with a gaze that seemed suspicious, but that look quickly disappeared.

The car pulled up to a large restaurant. I thought it must be a premier seafood place, thankfully the parking lot had a roof so we didn’t get wet from the rain. When we entered, I scanned the room and saw Phii Jo, North, Phii Fah, and Phii Arthit sitting together.

“You’re late,” Phii Jo commented when he saw Phii Hill.

“Just made a quick stop,” Phii Hill replied nonchalantly. I walked over to sit at the far left, as I’m left-handed, and it was the same seat opposite Phii Fah as before.

After we had been corresponding through letters, it seemed like Phii Fah…um, likes me. I couldn’t look at Phii Fah anymore because I was embarrassed, I really couldn’t look. When I think about the messages we exchanged, my photos, Phii Fah’s chocolates, the messages that came with those chocolates, and the winter jacket I recently received…    It was like the last celebration, everyone was chatting except me, because I’m not good at talking unless it’s with someone I’m really close to. Sitting at this table, I was mostly quiet, just listening to everyone else talk, eating slowly, and laughing when something was funny.

The person sitting across from me was the same; Phii Fah didn’t talk much with others, it seemed like this was the quiet zone.

“Arthit, can I have some shrimp?” Phii Fah asked, before Phii Arthit passed the plate of grilled shrimp over to Phii Fah, who then took it and slowly peeled a shrimp, placing it on my plate like last time.

Just like before…

   I nodded slowly, a gesture of thanks, before scooping some other food or peeling some crab to return the favor.

   I looked around; it seemed like everyone noticed us but said nothing, pretending not to see and continuing their conversation. Regarding the letters, only North and Ter knew, but about us being apart for a year, I think everyone knew and was happy to not comment on it.

It seems it’s good to let it be like this…

This is good; it means Phii Fah isn’t angry or hates me, even though I’ve been so cruel to him, ignoring him, saying hurtful things, but…

“…I’m sorry for what happened before.”

I decided it was time to apologize, “I will put aside the matter of the letter person for now, leaving only Phii Tonfah and Typhoon, the relationship of phii-nong who were apart. Typhoon, who once hurt Phii Fah, Typhoon who was once cruel, despite Phii Fah always being kind to Phoon.”

   The matter with my dad is part of it. I think I shouldn’t rush anything, let everything go as it should, but now…it’s finally time…

   The time for me to apologize…

   Enough with the guilt I’ve felt over the past year.

   Enough with all the pain I’ve experienced.

   “Yes…it’s okay.”

“…”

I clenched my lips tightly and then slowly looked up at him. Phii Fah gave me a kind smile, which made me unable to help but smile back, and my heart was trembling as it always does around you.    When we were about to leave the restaurant, everyone suggested giving the gifts when we got to the coffee shop. So, we all went to the coffee shop, the same place upstairs, nothing much had changed. The doctors started taking out books to read, including us. We sat in the Japanese-style seating area, on the floor, leaning against cushions.    Everyone gave their gifts to Phii Fah, including me. I handed him the notebook I bought without saying anything; it was just a simple notebook wrapped in paper from the shop, and I had written, “Happy Birthday,” on it. Phii Fah accepted it, smiled, and said thank you.    That was it…but my heart swelled and floated all the way to Dao on Pluto.

After a while, North invited us to go downstairs to buy some food. While waiting for the food, we sat on the lower floor instead, and he took that opportunity to ask me.

“Phoon, when you apologized to Phii Fah earlier,” North asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“I didn’t think that…”

“Was it too soon?”

“Too soon, my ass. You’ve let it drag on for a year, but I didn’t expect you to apologize now.”

“Yeah, I’ve actually thought about it. I wanted to separate my issues from the person in the letters first.”

“I started explaining while gesturing to emphasize that I would separate these two states first.

“Me and Phii Fah have always been phii-nong, right? Let’s set aside the fact that I like him first.”

“Okay.”

“And when the matter with Dad came up, I had to separate from Phii Fah. But now I’ve decided, at the very least, I feel like I’ve had enough of feeling guilty, so I want to apologize.”

“Ah, and your Dad, what if your Dad finds out you’re talking to Phii Fah?’

“Um, well…” I let out a sigh, “I’ve decided that I’m not living for him.” My words made both Ter and North raise their eyebrows in unison.

“I need to apologize to Phii Fah, that’s what I should do, but I won’t tell the truth. Do you understand?”

“The truth that you’re an out of wedlock child?”

“Exactly, I won’t say I’m Dad’s mistress son because it would make Dad look bad, but I’ll go back to being close to Phii Fah like before. The reason Dad doesn’t want me to mess with Phii Fah is because he’s afraid I’ll tell Phii Fah about his cheating ways. So, I won’t tell him.

Whether Dad trusts me or not, well, that’s up to him.”

“And what about your fear that Dad will move your university?”    “If I don’t sign the withdrawal papers, he can’t do anything.” I said, sighing, “I’m about to take up photography seriously now; I won’t bother Dad anymore. If the work goes well, I should have enough money to pay for my tuition myself.”

“Seriously, you don’t have to worry about money,” North raised his eyebrows, “We can lend you some.”

“If possible, I’d rather not bother you guys,” I said, “but if the photography jobs don’t work out, there are other part-time jobs, like what you guys used to do, right? They should cover tuition and other expenses, shouldn’t they?”    “They should, but they’re tiring.”

“It’s okay,” I said, showing a smile, “This is how it should be. I need to apologize, it’s the right thing to do.”

“Got it, so as Typhoon, you want to be back in Phii Fah’s circle like before, right?”

“Right, at least to talk like we used to. Not just look at each other without really seeing.”

‘What if Phii Fah asks why you disappeared back then?’ Ter looked worried.

“I’ll say it was my fault,’ I said, because I couldn’t tell the truth about Dad, “I won’t mention Dad at all, because he doesn’t want me to talk about it.’”

“Oh, so as a mailman,

“Have you ever seen someone you already know, but secretly they like you and send snacks or letters, and then pretend nothing is different in person?” I asked, and North nodded immediately.

“Yeah, I’ve seen that with my own eyes even today.”

“Oh…” I nodded slightly, “If I and Phii Fah were to become siblings again, I’d probably do the same.”

“Oh, I see,” Ter said, “And what would a romantic relationship be like in the role of a mailman?”

“It’d be ongoing, I guess,” I replied, “But if Phii Fah knew it was me, I could only hope he’d be okay with it.”    “Okay then, why wouldn’t it be okay if it was you?”

“I don’t know,” I shook my head gently, “I can’t read his mind.”    “Yeah, an apology might be good, Phii Fah might feel better toward you.”    “…Hmm.”

“For example, when I had a fight with Ter, he made me upset, I didn’t want to talk to him anymore, but in reality, Ter secretly liked me, sending me things every day until I softened up. When I found out it was Ter sending those things, I thought, why does it have to be

Ter, why does it have to be someone I’m fighting with?”    “If it were someone you didn’t hate or weren’t fighting with, it would probably be better.”

“Yeah, then I guess I did the right thing by apologizing,” I exhaled in relief. Initially, I was a bit worried about my decision, but after North said that, I felt much more at ease.

“Let’s say you’re on the right path, you’ve come to terms with your father, if he decides to…” North waved his hand dismissively, “like abandon you.”

“I haven’t done anything wrong, I didn’t even tell him the truth.”

“…”

“If he decides to leave, there’s nothing I can do about it,” I said according to how I felt. My father and I have grown very distant, and now that I’m using my own savings instead of asking him for money, it’s made our contact even less frequent.

Whether it’s about my birth, Fan, or every issue where my father blamed me, I know he just wanted me to bear the blame, but that’s not my fault. I didn’t choose to be born, nor did I cause Fan’s death, so I won’t take the blame for something I didn’t do.

“I used to think that Mom was gone, Fan was gone, so I didn’t want to lose Dad too.

But the truth is…

   The person I least want to lose should be myself more than anyone else.

   The self that Dad will never understand because he never thought I had any value, but in reality, I still have value to myself.    I still love and respect everything about Dad, but we just walk different paths.

   Because the one who will be with us for life…is only ourselves.

   “My tears are about to fall, it’s like seeing my son grow up, you little devil,” North pretended to wipe tears while we were walking up the stairs, holding sweets and sweet drinks in our hands, “When I first met you, you were always like a deer caught in headlights.”    “Really?” I made a face as if I didn’t believe it.

“Hey, really, seeing you study veterinary medicine made me feel suffocated for you. You didn’t look happy at all, it’s good that you’ve chosen your own path now.”

“Yeah, from now on, call me for any photography jobs.”

“Okay, I’ll support you then.”

“It’s good to be strong, Cat,” Ter said. I turned abruptly to look at him because he called me “Cat,” “Seeing you like this, I know how important it is to be yourself. Look at North, he’s too much himself.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? I am who I am.”

“Yeah, you’re you, that’s good,” Ter let out a small laugh, “And the person who makes us feel like ourselves when we’re with them is also important.”

“…Yeah, that’s true.”

And with those words, the first person I thought of was Phii Fah.

“North.”

“Huh?”

“How’s this?”

“Are you still stuck on this?” Because I was reading high school physics content, and North was an engineer, he must be good at physics. So I asked him to tutor me in physics; for an engineer, this should be easy, right?”

“Again, now, how do we find the average here, do we just substitute the formula?”

“Not yet, find this damn thing first.”

“What damn thing? What are you teaching me?”

“Can you just not argue like a student?” North rolled up his notebook and tapped my head lightly, “Are you raising your voice at the teacher?”

“Wow, is this how a teacher treats a student?” I rubbed my head, then listened intently to North’s lesson again. North is really good at physics, he might say he’s not good at studying, but honestly, I think he excels in certain subjects. He doesn’t care about subjects he doesn’t like, so his overall grades aren’t great, which is why he says he’s not good at studying.

But in reality, if you’re not good, how could you get into engineering? You need a decent foundation.

“If your test scores are low, I’ll curse you, don’t make the teacher lose face,” North said, pointing at me with his pen.

“Yes,” I replied sarcastically, stealing a glance at the medical students who were looking stressed. I felt a bit sorry for Phii Fah; it’s his birthday, but he hasn’t had any rest, and he didn’t even get snacks from me today. Otherwise, at least he’d have something to snack on.    …But maybe there’s something else, or perhaps someone else bought him something.

“Our friend has no snacks today,” Phii Jo teased once the atmosphere at the table relaxed, “The coffee shop is closed, isn’t it?”    “He didn’t even eat breakfast today,” Phii Hill said. I, overhearing this, was slightly surprised; why didn’t Phii Fah eat breakfast?

“No way.”

“He usually picks up something that was left for him every morning; today, with the shop closed, he didn’t have breakfast.”

“Before, you ate at the place near the faculty, didn’t you?” Phii Jo asked.

“I’m not used to it, I guess,” Phii Fah said without looking up at his friends.

“Going to Seven Eleven to buy milk and snacks would be the same,” Phii Arthit suggested.

“It’s not the same,” Phii Fah replied, “And why are we talking about my stuff anyway?”

“You’re the most interesting topic right now,’ Phii Jo said with a teasing grin. I just realized how much Phii Fah was being teased by his friends; it made me feel embarrassed while listening in, but the sound of the rain outside was too loud, making it hard for me to hear clearly.

“The rain won’t stop, huh?” Ter remarked, “It’ll definitely be raining until tomorrow.”

“Yeah, and what about Dao?” I asked because I just remembered, “I was going to ask, I haven’t been able to contact Dao for days.”

“Dao is in the hospital.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Probably worked too hard. Didn’t eat, so he fainted,” Ter answered,

“I was thinking of inviting everyone to visit him tomorrow.”

“Wow, weak, I’ll go mock him tomorrow,” North said with a mischievous raise of his eyebrows, tomorrow Dao will surely get teased by North about not eating all day until he’s embarrassed enough not to skip meals again, which is actually a good thing.

“Yeah, I’ll go to the bathroom for a bit,” I said before getting up to use the downstairs bathroom since the ones upstairs were occupied. Initially, I was going to ask someone to walk me because I was scared of the dark, but seeing the lights were on, I figured it would be fine.    I was annoyed that there was only one bathroom downstairs, and it was outside the shop, next to the shop’s wall, where both men and women could use it because it had both a toilet and a urinal, with the sink inside. I went in and locked the door, finished my business, washed my hands, and grabbed some tissue to dry them. But while I was about to dispose of the tissue, the lights in the bathroom started flickering.

   I began to get scared because the heavy rain was outside. I took long strides towards the door, but…

   It wouldn’t open!

   Why is the latch stuck? As the lights flickered more rapidly, my heart beat faster. No. No, don’t go out, lights. I quickly turned back to the door, pushing and pulling with all my might.

   Nothing…if the latch doesn’t move, there’s nothing I can do.

   And finally, the lights went out.

   !!!

“Help! Help! Is anyone outside? Please help!” I shouted without thinking, as the darkness enveloped everything, I started losing control, crying uncontrollably.

No. No, it’s dark, it’s dark!

“Please, open the door! I can’t get out!” I shouted until my throat hurt, my heart pounding so hard I was out of breath. I felt suffocated, unable to breathe, “Hic, sob. No, hic.”

I leaned against the bathroom door because my whole body was losing strength, my hands and legs were starting to go numb, and when the sound of thunder struck, I collapsed to the floor immediately.

“Huh, sob, help…please,” I hugged my knees and covered my ears with my hands, my face wet with tears I couldn’t hold back, my mind scattering. No. No thunder. No darkness. Not anymore. Not anymore,

“Sob, huh, help me, please, open the door. Anyone…”

The sound of rain and thunder outside

And the pitch-black darkness inside where I was trapped    …I can’t take it anymore.

“Sob, help me…Phii Fah, huh, Phii Fah…help me, please, help me, I am sorry, I don’t want this anymore, please help me. No more, it’s dark, I can’t breathe, sob.”

I kept repeating apologies even though I had already said them.

   I am sorry…I am sorry, Phii Fah, please help I, don’t be mad at I, didn’t you used to protect Phoon from the darkness? Come back and help Phoon get out of here.

   “Phoon!”

I heard a knock on the door, a sound I knew well.

“…Phii, Phii Fah!”

“Calm down.”

“Phii Fah, Phii Fah, help me! huh, sob,” I was shouting, crying, banging on the door, feeling relieved, overwhelmed with joy. Just hearing that voice made me feel safe even though I was terrified.

“Unlock the door, please.”

“I can’t, I can’t remove the lock.”

“…Damn,” I heard the person on the other side of the door curse,

“Phoon, move away from the door, please.”

“…” I didn’t say anything before slowly moving away from the door as Phii Fah instructed. I was startled by two loud banging sounds before the door was forced open. I rushed towards the person who had broken through the door.

“Hug, sob, Phii Fah, Phii Fah…I am scared.”

“It’s okay…it’s okay now,” Phii Fah hugged me back, gently stroking my head. I still clung to the person in front of me, crying incessantly.

“I…ugh, I am sorry, thank you, thank you.”

“It’s okay now, Phii Fah is here.”

“Hic, sob, I am sorry…sorry for everything, Phii Fah, hic, sob, Phii Fah, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to say that, I didn’t want to hurt you at all, I am sorry, I am sorry…”

“…Shh, I understand now. Don’t cry anymore.”

“Sob, hic, all this time, hic, all this time…I, I have always felt guilty towards you, I did wrong, I…sob,” I spoke without making much sense, still crying like a child, just a child as I’d always been.    Still being Typhoon as I always was. Whether now or any time. I still needed Phii Fah. I still wanted Phii Fah by my side. Whether I

was just a weak child or if I grew up and became stronger.    On days when I felt utterly worthless in my own eyes, on days when I saw my own worth and could stand up even when the sky was dark and the rain was heavy, until the day I found the sky after the rain to be beautiful.    I still needed you…

   “Hic, sob, Phii Fah, please don’t be angry with me, I…hic, I won’t do it again.”

“Shh, I am not angry anymore,” Phii Fah gently wiped away my tears, my eyes still blurry from crying, it was still quite dark outside, all the lights around here were out, I guess. I slowly relaxed my embrace when I felt a bit better.

“Okay now?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Then let’s go back upstairs.”

“Yes.”

Phii Fah reached out to hold my hand, and I was surprised that he did so, but I didn’t want to object. I just followed him quietly.

With the warm embrace,

   With his hand holding mine.

   These touches

   I will never forget them

   Because if it weren’t for you…no one else could have such a warm embrace.    “Thank you.”

I said thank you again amid the sound of rain, which was so loud it drowned out everything else.

“Thank you too.”

The person in front of me didn’t turn to look at me, and his reply of thanks made me feel surprised…

   The rain outside still hadn’t stopped, even though it was nearly three in the morning.

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 18: Every Morning

   I looked up at the sky again, unsure how many times I had done this already today, before bringing my gaze back to the front, zipping up my jacket as I felt the air getting colder.

   Rain is about to fall…

   After receiving a call from an unfamiliar number and discovering it was my father’s new girlfriend who called, she said her name was Prae, and when she referred to herself as ‘aunt’, I decided to call her Aunt Prae.

   To be honest, I already knew her name because I used to sneak a peek at her profile on social media often, just to see how my dad’s new family was doing.

   Aunt Prae said she wanted to talk to me about something. I hesitated for a while before agreeing to meet her.

   I felt like this was something I shouldn’t avoid. I should meet her. At first, I was worried something might have happened to my dad. I immediately called Uncle-Kong, but he said dad was fine, nothing was wrong.

   I haven’t told my friends yet; I think if I told them, they would just worry for nothing. I’ll talk to Aunt Prae first, find out what it’s about, and then tell my friends. If I told them beforehand, they’d definitely come to watch over me. It’s my problem, and I need to handle it myself.

   I just want to try to face it on my own.

   No matter what it is…I will get through it.

   In a small coffee shop not far from my dorm, luckily, I arrived before the rain started. Looking outside, you could hardly see anything because of the curtain of rain.

   I walked into the shop, scanning around. There was a woman in a white dress, with short brown hair to her shoulders. On her lap lay a small child. I walked over and sat down opposite her.

   “…Hello.”

“Are you Typhoon?”

I nodded, mustering just a bit of courage to look at the person in front of me.

I don’t know why…but I could sense warmth, sadness in her eyes, and a faint smile.

“Would you like to order something?”

“Uh…yes.” I was quiet for a moment before opening the menu, ordering a hot cocoa from the staff because the weather was quite cool. After ordering the drink, my gaze lingered on the little child sleeping soundly in his mother’s embrace.

“His name is Fai. It’s been quite hectic lately, so there’s no nanny to look after him, so I brought him along.”

“Oh, I see.”

Amidst the silence between us, it’s surprising that I didn’t feel the awkwardness that should have been there, and the sound of the heavy rain outside made me feel a little more relaxed.

I lifted the cocoa that the waiter had just served and took a sip.

“Typhoon.”

“Yes?”

“Are you…okay with coming out to meet me?”

“I’m okay.”

“I…don’t know where to start,” Aunt Prae seemed to be in her early thirties, but she looked much younger, her sweet face now showing more concern, “I know it’s bad to talk about this with you.”

“…”

“You already know, right, about Rati…um, your father remarried.”

“Yes.”

“But he never told me he had a family before.” Her voice was soft with sadness, her eyes filled with melancholy, which made me feel down too, “I only found out a few days ago.”

“Aunt Prae…aren’t you okay with the fact that your Dad had a family before?”

She gave a faint smile and shook her head gently.

   Why is she such a sweet and kind woman?

   Did I imagine it, or does she resemble Fan? It’s like seeing Torfan in her thirties sitting in front of me.

   “I’m okay…as long as, at the very least, he didn’t lie and didn’t leave you like that.”

“…”

“I understand correctly, right…that he left you?”    I didn’t dare to answer, my lips pressed tightly together in discomfort. What should I do…I never thought I’d be asked this. If I tell the truth, my father would look bad in Aunt Pare’s eyes, but if I lie…

   “Can you tell me the truth…if he looked after you at all?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“I’m going to divorce him.”

“…”

“Even though our child is still so young, he…he…” Aunt Prae pressed her lips together tightly before clear tears slowly rolled down from her eyes. I was startled and didn’t know what to do, quickly handing her a tissue. She took it to wipe her tears, which woke the little one in her arms, “Oh, did mom wake you? I’m sorry.”    Normally, a child this age would cry out loudly, but this little one was silent, looking at his mother with innocent eyes.

   “What happened?”

“I found out he is dating someone else.”

“…”

The response from her made my chest ache, and Aunt Prae’s sad expression and eyes made me feel even more pain.

Dad, why would you…

“Even though…hic,” she cried harder. I reached out to hold her hand in comfort, and she squeezed mine gently back, as if needing someone to comfort her. I don’t know why, but it made me want to cry along with her.

“…”

“Even though our child…is about to start walking by herself.”    It took a while for Aunt Prae to calm down. I noticed her face looked weary and pale with concern.

   “I’m sorry, I…ended up crying here.”

“It’s okay,” I quickly said. I understood that if Aunt Prae had just found out dad was seeing someone else, especially with a young child, this must be the hardest time for a woman.

“I found out he is dating someone else; after investigating, I learned he has another son…that’s you. I hired someone to find out everything, which led me to know that he…left you alone, right?”

“…”

“Because he sold the house in Phuket, you probably don’t have any relatives left there.”

“…”

“Tell me everything, please. I…am making the most important decision of my life.”

“Yes?”

“I don’t want my child to have a bad father like that. I want to know all the truth about him. If you say he was a good father, that means he’ll be a good father to my child too. Don’t lie to me; if he was a bad father, tell me. I don’t want my child to have that kind of father.”    I glanced at the innocent young child whose big, pure eyes were looking at me. In the end, I decided to tell the whole truth.

   I couldn’t lie to her…

   I couldn’t hurt this child. I couldn’t let this unknowing child face this kind of situation.

   I told her everything…really everything, from what I remember. All the things I experienced as a child, how my father punished me, the story of Fan, the story of my mother, the fact that I wasn’t their real child, and even the current situation where my father told me to lie to Phii Fah’s family.

   Aunt Prae fell silent. She raised her hand to gently massage her temples, her face paler than before.

   “…I’ve made my decision.”

“…”

“I will divorce him.”

“Fai,” she called her child softly, then leaned down to kiss her cheek, “From now on, it will just be the two of us, mother and child.

Don’t worry, Mom will take good care of you. You don’t have to be afraid of not having a father.”

“But kids…shouldn’t they have a father?”

“I grew up in a family with a very bad father, so, when he was in the family, everything was terrible. Many times I secretly thought that if it was just the two of us, mother and child, things might be better. That made me think…”

“…”

“Being without a parent is better than having bad parents.”    Even though her words suggested she was a strong woman, the tears and the painful expression indicated that her heart was breaking.

   How many more people have to break like this…

   “But that…that’s just the past. Dad might have changed,” I said softly. Aunt Pare gave a weak smile and shook her head gently, wiping her tears.

“He still lied…and what I really can’t accept is that he has someone else.”

…That’s true, forgiving someone for cheating is really hard.    “How can I trust that man again? By doing that, it means he’s never loved anyone but himself. And what about…will he love Fai? Can he take care of Fai? Or one day, will he abandon our family even though you are also his son? How could he do that to his own child? Might he do the same to Fai one day? How can you trust him? Why is he such an unstable pillar of the family?”

“…”

“That man…he can’t be a father to anyone.”

I talked with Aunt Prae for a while longer. She decided to divorce my dad. Honestly, I think she had already made up her mind, but she just wanted to hear the truth from me. I suddenly thought about how angry dad must be if he knew I met with Aunt Prae.

   But in reality, the person he should be most angry with is himself.    Since the day Aunt Prae decided to divorce my dad, her and her child’s life would change completely, but I believe…she chose what she thought was best for her child.

   That smile was tinged with sadness but also showed determination. It’s not easy for a small woman like her, but love always makes people stronger. We don’t know how strong we can be until strength is the last thing we have.

   And the image of a mother holding her little one in her arms warmed my heart entirely.    “Do you want to hold the baby?”

“Huh?”

“Can you consider Fai as your little sister?” Aunt Prae said, giving me a kind smile, “You might not like me because I’m your dad’s new wife, but now…I feel like we might be in the same boat. We’ve both encountered a bad person. If I had known about you beforehand, I would have wanted you to live with us.”

“…You want me to live with you?”

“Yeah, how can you leave a child alone like that?”    I couldn’t help but smile at such genuine kindness.

“Can I hold him, please?” I said before taking little Fai into my arms. I love children…a lot. I hugged Fai tightly, which made Aunt Prae laugh.

My little sister…

   Her name is Fai.

   Fan

   Fun (Phoon)

   Fai

   We are siblings…

   Fan loved me even though she knew I was from a different mother.

We will love Fai just as much as Fan loved me.

   My little sister Fai!

   “Ae…Ae,” because she couldn’t speak yet, she could only make throaty sounds, but she hadn’t cried since we’ve been together, such a good kid.

“Ae, what do you want?”

What’s with this “Ae” of yours, Phoon…

   Ae, she’s cute.

   “It seems Fah likes you,” Aunt Pare laughed softly. I couldn’t help but smile broadly, “Normally, she’d cry if anyone else held her.”    I love my little sister Fah too!

   I played with the child for a while until it was time for us to part. Even though it was still drizzling, Aunt Pare had to hurry back. We exchanged LINE contacts. I walked them to the front of the shop, seeing that the car was parked a bit far away, so I walked them to the car.

   “You don’t have to walk us.”

“How can I not…you’ll both get sick,” I said, taking off my jacket to put over Aunt Prae, who held Fai tightly in her arms before we walked to the car.

“See you later, thank you for coming to meet me, and thank you for telling me everything, let’s meet again.”

“Yes. It’s okay, see you,” I smiled, and as I was about to walk back, Aunt Pare said something as if she just remembered.

“Typhoon, you told me that Rati always told you to follow his decision, right?” I nodded in response, “I believe your sister…she would want you to have more confidence in yourself.”

“…”

“You can choose your own path now.”

“…”

“Because the person who will be with you for life isn’t him, but you yourself.”

Aunt Prae’s words before we parted have been echoing in my head for nearly ten minutes. I came back into the same cafe because the rain was still falling, and I didn’t feel like rushing back. I sat staring at the empty coffee cup as evidence that someone had been there.

Choose your own path…

I think that word doesn’t just refer to the matter with my dad…    I took out my phone and started searching for information about university faculties, looking for photography-related departments, researching new admission tests.

The path I’m choosing now isn’t mine…it’s been a struggle to keep going. I never wanted to be a veterinarian. I never wanted to be a doctor. That’s why I haven’t been doing well academically in the veterinary faculty for the past year.

But if I leave here, I’ll have to be far from my friends.

No…I’m confident everyone would support me in following my own passion.

I was lost in thought for nearly half an hour, staring blankly at the continuous drizzle outside amidst the noisy cafe. The truth is, I’ve never hesitated to say what I like. I’ve known from the start what I wanted to be, but I chose to ignore it.

Thinking about it…I’ve been quite cruel to my own passion.    Today is a holiday, and it’s raining too, around ten in the morning. I guess my friends are probably not awake yet; it’s too early to wake up on a rainy holiday. I really wanted to tell them about Aunt Prae.

I typed into the group chat that I had something good to share. As soon as the message was sent, it showed that one person had read it.

-dust-:. Who read it? Why are you up so early?    ss:. It’s me.    ss: I haven’t slept yet.    ss: It’s almost ten in the morning.

   -dust-: Go to sleep    ss: What is going on cat?    -dust-: I’ll tell you all at once later

   -dust-: Go rest first    ss: No    ss: Tell me    ss: We want to know first

   Then Daotok called. I looked slightly surprised before answering, the voice on the LINE sounded tired, but we were used to it by now. North said that Daotok is like Phii Jo in the sense that they are both workaholics, even when sometimes the work isn’t urgent, but due to their habit of overworking. I’ve seen Daotok look exhausted often, especially these days he probably hasn’t rested much at all.    Why push yourself so hard, especially when you’re so small, you’d probably fall over just from walking around.

“Are you going to sleep first?”

(The work isn’t done yet.)

   “And you can still talk?”

(Yes, I can. I’m taking a break, my eyes are so tired.)

   “Oh…don’t drink coffee anymore.”

(…Hmm, cat.)

   “What?”

(No one has ever told me not to drink coffee. I’m happy.)

   “Here I am telling you not to, don’t drink too much.”

(You’re so kind, cat.)

   “What’s so kind about it? It’s normal.”

(Not normal, the cat is very kind, do you realize that?)    “…Really?” I raised my eyebrows in disbelief; I’ve never heard anyone say something like this to me before. We talked for a while before Dao brought the conversation back to my good news. I told Dao with an excited, happy tone.

(You really have a kind heart.)

   “Why?”

(Think about how many people would love their step-sibling, especially with a stepmother. Normally, people would hate it if their parents had another family.)

   “Oh…that’s true, but I don’t see it that way at all.”

(You’re such a gentle cat.)

   “…Gentle?” I said, feeling a bit embarrassed. Daotok is quite a gentle guy to me, his words are all so sweet. He once said his family taught him to speak this way; if he said anything rude, he’d get his hand smacked. North was the first person Dao ever used rude words with, but over time, Dao liked to tease North more by speaking politely.

Because North, if spoken to politely, would be at a loss for what to do, like he’s been rough all his life…

But in reality, Daotok isn’t friendly at all. Not one bit…If it weren’t for people like Ter and North, who are good at socializing, Daotok probably wouldn’t have joined us. When he’s with us, Dao only cares about our group; he hardly speaks a word to anyone else.

North once said that Dao is his complete opposite, which everyone agrees with. How dare you compare yourself to Dao, but Dao really likes North. Dao said he’s not much of a talker, but when he met North, he spoke even less because North talks too much.    (It’s good that Aunt Prae is a kind person, and good that she could get away from that man.)

   “Yeah, I hope everything gets better,” I said, “I’m thinking about changing my major.”

(Are you going to study photography?)

   “Probably, I’ve been hesitating my whole life, but I’ve decided now.

Even though I’ll miss being with my friends…”

(Don’t say that, we’ll still be friends no matter where you study.)    “Hmm…” I couldn’t help but smile faintly, warmth swelling up in my heart.

(Cat, you have gotten stronger.)

   “Why?”

(Back when we first met…cat, you seemed very attached to Ter, Foam, and North. It was like friends were you smile, you needed friends to be happy, but now you can choose your own path. Not putting others before yourself like before.)

   “Yeah…finally choosing my own way, but I still want to have everyone.”

(The cat already has everyone, everyone loves the cat. We love you, cat, too.)    “I love you too.”

I don’t even know where the tears came from or why, but all the warmth I felt from talking with Aunt Prae to now talking with Daotok, I couldn’t help but cry.

   But these aren’t tears of pain like before; this is the first time I genuinely feel like thanking myself…thank you for being strong, thank you for deciding to keep fighting on that day, thank you for not giving up, no matter what.    Thank you, Typhoon…

   (Do your portfolio, put in lots of the beautiful photos you’ve taken. You’ll definitely pass the interview.)

   “That’s true, I’m excited thinking about showing my own work.”

(Applications open in December too, it’s not long now.)

   “Is it nationwide? Then I’ll apply.”

(Yes, I’ve chosen it as my top choice, I definitely will get in, my scores from previous years weren’t that high.)

   “Great, I guess I’ll have to go back and review the high school material.”

Dao and I chatted on and on. Now we were talking about studying photography or taking photos; my university has a department related to photography.

(Hmm, yes…What about Phii Tonfah then?)

   “Why?”

(Well…what will you do next? With the matter of your father…)    “I feel like this is okay now,” I said according to my true feelings, “I think it’s not because of my father’s command, but because I love him more. I choose to do this because of love.”    you

“And suddenly, if I were to walk up to Phii Fah and tell him, it wouldn’t work, would it?”

(Yeah, that would look really weird.)

   “Right, just suddenly walking up and saying, ‘Bro…I’m the one from the letters, I’ve been doing this because my dad told me to, in reality, my dad is like this and that…’ It wouldn’t be good.”

(…Hmm.)

   “I’ve chosen my path, I want to study photography. As for the matter with my dad and Phii Fah…I think it’s better for everyone if things progress slowly rather than us getting too close too fast. And in the role of the person from the letters, if one day the truth has to come out, by then, I won’t be afraid.”

(I understand, it’s better to take things slowly. Some things have their own time, don’t rush anything.)

   “Yes…let our relationship grow slowly like this.”

I glanced at the Polaroid photo in my hand, a picture of a blooming pink flower in a pot, with a message written in black ink under the picture, “The flower I planted, it’s blooming beautifully, (^_^).”    I couldn’t help but smile at the description of the photo. This is the first time he’s sent me a picture of something other than the snacks I’ve bought. As I mentioned before, I’ve asked about him, but he never answered.

   But at least now I know he grows flowers, and he might be someone who likes gardening. Looking at how he’s managed to grow such a difficult flower to such beauty.

   But why send this picture? I thought he wouldn’t send anything other than snacks.

   This is something personal to him, there’s no need to send it at all. Does it mean he wants me to get a little closer to knowing who he really is?

   One thing I’ve noticed is that he’s good at photography too. Up until now, it’s just been pictures of the snacks he’s eaten. No need for special angles, but looking at this flower picture…

   He likes taking photos.

   There’s a possibility he might be a photographer. Polaroid cameras are used by many, but someone who can make a Polaroid look this good must be quite skilled, which means he’d be even better with other types of cameras.

   And with Polaroids, you can’t adjust the color, so up until now, I’ve only taken photos of snacks, probably just in the room. But with flowers, you have to go outside to take pictures. With this much light, you need to take photos when the sun is strong, at the balcony where the sunlight comes in directly. This would be difficult, more like shooting outdoors.

   Grow them yourself? But not on the balcony?

   There was one letter he sent where he briefly mentioned his dormitory, just saying that it’s been very hot there lately. Lives in a dorm…but doesn’t grow plants on the balcony?

   …On the rooftop?

   Then I guessed that someone who seems to love growing plants like him must have a rooftop full of plants. But…usually, rooftops are used for storage. Why would the dorm owner allow this?

   I stared at the photo in my hand while my mind wandered aimlessly. I’m not trying to find him; I’m just analyzing the information I’ve received.

   This kind of light and shadow…

   It looks like it was taken early in the morning or late in the evening. No, it’s probably morning. Looking at how beautifully the flowers have bloomed, he might have a habit of waking up early too, waking up to take care of his plants before getting ready for school…

I moved the pots and watered the plants in a good mood. I woke up early again today. I’ve been up since early morning to tend to my plants. Since my balcony doesn’t have enough space for all my plants, I asked the dorm manager if I could use the rooftop, seeing there was still some empty space. Because of the kind-hearted dorm manager, she allowed it.

   I glanced at the array of flower pots lined up in front of me, like a small garden just for me.

   One decision I made after meeting Aunt Prae and talking with

Daotok was…I won’t hide information about myself anymore if Phii Fah wants to know. As I’ve said before, Phii Fah did ask a few questions, but I didn’t answer. But now, I’m confident that if one day the truth must be revealed, I will accept it myself.

   But I won’t rush it by telling the truth; it would definitely not be good for my father. I still love and respect him. I will let everything unfold naturally.

   Regarding my decision to switch to studying photography, I’ve already decided and applied for the exam. From now on, I’ll need to go back and review high school material to prepare for the exam. But finals are coming up at my current faculty as well, so I’ll probably focus more on preparing for the transfer exam rather than finals. Trying to study for both would surely be disastrous. There are only a few months left before the transfer exam.

It made me remember what Phii Fah once told me, that I should study what I love, and how Phii Fah said he wanted me to believe in myself, those words still echo like and echo in my head.

   Phii Fah is another person…who has made me brave enough to do something for what I love.

   I talked with Aunt Prae; she’s still working, and becoming a single mother has thrown her off a bit. Aunt Prae said she didn’t come from wealth, just an ordinary office worker.

   I started thinking about what I should do for my little sister. At least, I want her to go to a good school, meet good friends, and experience a good environment. But Aunt Prae probably can’t handle all the expenses by herself.

   I need to work…I guess I should seriously think about taking on photography jobs.

   Or should I play the lottery with North?

   No, Phoon. No, don’t let North control you.

   I feel more foolish every day since I’ve been hanging out with North, damn it.

   I took out my Polaroid camera, thinking about what to photograph for Phii Fah today. It’s become something where I at least have to send him one photo a day. Before, it was just pictures of snacks, but now, I’m taking all sorts of pictures. I don’t even know if Phii Fah likes them; he never mentions my photos.

Suddenly, a bird landed on the roof’s floor. I slowly crouched down to take a picture of it. It flew away in a flash because Polaroids can’t capture fast-moving subjects like digital cameras can, so the picture came out a bit blurry, but at least I managed to take it before the bird took off.    …

To…you, 

   This bird just landed, looking hurried. It probably hasn’t had breakfast yet, but it can’t compete with you since you’ve already had yours!

   -. I’m not sure if you like the photos I take for you. If you don’t, you can tell me, haha.

   -. I’ve just made an important decision in my life. Although I can’t say what it is, thinking of you gives me more courage, so I want to thank you.    Thank you: )

   I couldn’t help but smile to myself when thinking about the letter I just sent. Phii Fah probably couldn’t guess what it’s about. There are so many important things in life, but thinking about him gave me more courage as I mentioned. So, I wanted to thank him.

“Phoon, do you know?”

“Know what?”

“The chocolate Phii Fah sent you, it’s 17, 000 baht!”

“Huh? Really?” I looked shocked, almost not believing what Ter was saying, “Seventeen thousand!?”

“Yeah, look at this,” Ter said, showing me his phone screen, which displayed a picture of the same chocolate box Phii Fah gave me, with the price underneath written as five hundred fifty dollars.

…Oh, no.

   Where am I supposed to find that much money to buy it back? T^T    “I thought you knew already,” North said, “He gave you the chocolate ages ago, I was surprised you didn’t react.”

“How was I supposed to know?”

Seventeen thousand, really! Why would he buy something so expensive for me, and why was it so delicious, T^T

   “Do you know, there’s something called Google in this world?” Ter asked, looking annoyed at me, “Didn’t you think to search for it?”    “How would he know about Google, Ter?” North chimed in, “He’s still writing letters these days. Now there’s LINE, you know.”

“…”

I gave North an annoyed look; you’re really good at teasing.    “Here, this is the LINE app, Phoon, you can send messages super fast. You don’t have to wait from morning till evening to chat, you can send photos too. No need for Polaroids, you can call or video call, see each other’s faces, look, your phone has a camera, you can open it and talk,” North said, showing me the LINE app.

“I know!” I said, lowering my voice, which made North laugh out loud, “You talk like I’ve never used LINE before.”

“Alright, I thought you didn’t know, oh well, seeing you send letters. Why don’t you try carrier pigeons? That would let you chat more often, have the pigeon deliver it, and you can sit by the window waiting for the mail from the pigeon.”

“North!!” I shook him in frustration, why is this bastard so annoying?

“Why so violent, huh? There are laws in this country, you know,” North said with a frown, looking annoyed, “Do you see me as your emotional punching bag? I have two younger brothers to take care of,” North said in a whining voice because I was shaking him playfully.

“Yeah, speaking of siblings. You, Ter, and Dao, look at this.”    “What do you mean by ‘you, Ter, and Dao’?” North raised an eyebrow.

“You guys,” I pointed at Ter and North, “and here’s Dao,” I pointed at Dao. North immediately pretended to glare at me while pointing back at me.

“You’re so discriminatory,” North said, “Why don’t you include the

‘ghost under the bed’ with us?”

“We’re different groups.”

“Why? What’s that supposed to mean?” North stood up and reached over to ruffle Dao’s hair, who got startled and jumped, “See, see, see,

I’m going to hurt your Dao, haha.”

“It’s like you’re a troubled kid, so when you get scolded, you bully another kid,” I said, laughing a bit. Daotok frowned but let North continue to ruffle his hair. When North stopped, Dao slowly smoothed his hair to keep it from standing up.

“Yeah, here’s my sister,” I showed them a picture of Fai. I had already told everyone about her, but I hadn’t shown them her picture yet, “Isn’t she cute?”

“She’s good, but my nephew is cuter,” North said, showing a picture of Non, he’s just as proud as I am, “Pure and innocent, kids are truly like blank canvases.”

“What’s your sister’s name?” Ter asked.

“Fai.”

“Oh, she’s a pure Fai,” North said, “One hundred percent cotton.”    I couldn’t help but laugh at North’s words, yeah, one hundred percent cotton indeed.

   “But why ‘Fai’? It matches with you and your sister’s names.”    “Her mom’s name is ‘Prae’, so her daughter is named ‘Fai’,” I answered, “But when I think about having a little sister, it makes me uneasy, what if someone tries to flirt with her?”

“Take it easy, your sister can’t even walk yet,” North said, making a face of disgust at me.

“You need to plan ahead for these things. If Fai gets flirted with since kindergarten, I won’t allow it, hahaha. What will I do if Fai gets deceived by someone? Fai, this brother, this brother will protect you!” “Sigh, my friend has turned into a slave for Little Fai.”    I hurried to the coffee shop when I saw that it was about the time when there weren’t many people around. Phii Gib smiled at me kindly as always and handed me a large white paper bag.

   Why is the bag so big…

   I thanked her and took it, then rushed back to the dorm to open it.    Inside was a white winter jacket, neatly packed in the bag. I didn’t know what brand it was, but it looked very expensive.

   Did Phii Fah buy me a winter jacket…

   I placed the folded jacket on the bed, looking for other things in the bag; there were lots of snacks in another bag, and there were two pieces of paper. The first one said…

I don’t know what good news you have, but congratulations.

   Consider this jacket as a gift for that good news.

   I smiled even broader when I read the message on the paper. I had only told Phii Fah about it yesterday, which means Phii Fah would have received the message in the morning, so he must have bought this jacket just now.

And the second piece of paper said…

Don’t worry that I won’t like the photos.

   I treasure every photo you take.

   Because your photos are like a gift to me every morning: )

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 17: Hot, Coffee, and Peach Tea

   “What’s up with that?”

“Chocolate for 17,000 baht.”

“Seriously, is that really that strange? What’s so unusual about chocolate worth 17,000 baht?”

…

This is something I didn’t really want to happen, but it had to happen…I knew they would find out, and most importantly, the one waiting to tease me the most is Johan.

“Isn’t 17,000 baht for chocolate strange? Does that mean anyone can buy it for you?”

“Come on, if a friend says they don’t like it, they don’t like it. Why are you pushing Fah about this? I already said I don’t like him, and the

17,000 baht for chocolate from France is just a gesture of goodwill,” Jo said teasingly, his eyes twinkling with mischief.

Johan, when you…I hardly ever see you tease anyone like this.

I let out a small sigh in secret.    “Such an overflow of goodwill, Fah.”    Hill…you’re just as bad.

“Sigh, is it too much for chocolate?” I asked, furrowing my brows. I’ve never courted anyone before. When I asked Tit to buy it, he didn’t say anything.

“It’s not. It’s normal,” Jo shrugged, “If you like him.”

“Oh.”

“Seriously Fah, what’s up with you?”

“I like him, so what?”

“That simple, huh?”

“Yeah, why?”

“How much do you like him?”

“I like him. I don’t know. Don’t know how to measure how much I like him,” I said quietly while my gaze didn’t leave the pile of work in front of me. In the end, I had to help Tit with his work because I’m soft-hearted; if I didn’t help, he’d surely end up studying with the juniors.

“When asked how much you like him, the answer is 17,000,” Hill said with a slight raise of his eyebrow, “If it was Jo, I wouldn’t be surprised, but since it’s you, I am.”

“I just wanted to buy it for him. It’s nothing.”

“You like him that much, Fah?”

“How much?”

I asked back. They fell silent. I looked up to see all three of them looking at me with slightly bewildered eyes.

“Where did you get seventeen thousand from?” Hill asked.

“Savings, I don’t really spend on anything anyway.”

“Do you regret it when you buy it?”

“No.”

“Do you normally buy chocolate this expensive?”

“No,” I shook my head before going quiet, “Ah…even if I say I like him enough to give something I’ve never had myself…that’s right, isn’t it?”

“Yeah…something like that.”

“Well, if he gets to eat something good, that’s good, isn’t it? Plus, he seems to like it.”

“You like him that much, Fah,” Jo said, “Enough to prioritize him over yourself.”

“Have you ever thought about what would happen if that letter disappeared?”

“…”

“What are you asking, Hill? Our friend is already wilting, there is not a letter for him this week,” Jo retorted.

Yes…no letter from that person for one week, when normally they would come every two or three days. I didn’t know what happened, but it had a considerable impact on me, like something was missing. I had secretly thought about what I would do if he suddenly disappeared, but when it actually happened, I didn’t know what to do either.    Everything depended on him…whether he would send me a letter or not, but at least, if I could know something about him, it would be nice.

   “Can someone really like someone they’ve never seen?” Arthit, who had been quiet for a while, raised his eyebrows to ask, “You don’t even know his name.”

“I’ve never thought about that,” I replied, “I don’t care about his looks or his name. As long as he’s the person from the letters, that’s okay.”

“So, you talk and feel like you get along?”

“Hmm…yeah.”

“You don’t even know his name. Aren’t you going to ask?”    I shook my head.

“To be honest, there’s nothing stable between you two,” Jo said while raising his hand to his chin, glancing over at me, “If he decides to disappear, he could do it easily, right?”

“…”

Jo’s right about that…

   “You say he’s cute, do you think you’re the only one who sees his cuteness?”

Jo’s words made me stop writing immediately.

   “If his handwriting is that cute, imagine how many people would be all over him in person.”

“…”

“If one day he realizes that someone close to him is more tangible than someone through letters, he’ll disappear from you, and you won’t have any right to go after him.”

“I don’t know how much he likes you because I don’t know him, but you, Fah, you like him this much, are you just going to let things stay like this between you two?”

Johan is trying to mess with my head.    And…he’s succeeding.

   “Tonfah, someone’s here to see you.”

The call from a girl in the class made me turn to look, so I quickly got up and went outside the room. As soon as I stood up, my friends at the table looked at each other.

I must have looked very flustered.

Whatever.

I paused slightly when I saw who was standing outside, and a sense of disappointment arose without me realizing it.

“Someone asked me to give this to you.”

“…”

“Phii Fah?”

“Uh…yes. Who sent it?”

“He didn’t say, he just asked me to tell you to enjoy it.”

“Oh…I can’t, please apologize to him for me.”

“Ah, come on…just take it, my friend really likes you, you know.”

“I really can’t accept it, sorry.”

“…Okay.”

I averted my gaze and walked back into the room, not quite used to seeing the disappointed looks of others, the best choice was not to look, before returning to sit in the room as before.

“Wasn’t it him?” Jo asked.

I shook my head.

“You look so disappointed,” the other teased again, “It’s been a week since there’s nothing sent. What now?”    I shook my head again.

“Normally, you accept things others send you, why not this time?

I’m getting hungrier,” Arthit said, making a sour face.

“I think it’s not right to accept,” I said.

“You’re just waiting for snacks from one person,” Hill teased. “What if he’s changed his mind about you?” Arthit asked.

I didn’t answer.

   I don’t know why…but my feeling tells me it wouldn’t be like that.

   Just like I wouldn’t be like that either.

   “Something urgent might have come up,” Hill suggested in a calm voice, “Maybe he’s sick.”

…

Typhoon

   “How are you feeling now?”

“I’m feeling better.”

“Good, take lots of rest. We brought some fruit for you.”

“Thanks.”

We talked for a while before excusing ourselves to go outside. Me, North, Ter, Dao, and Foam walked out of the patient’s room together, chatting along the corridor.

   “Bobby, dude, why did you get hit by a car right before exams?” North said, looking worried. The person lying in the hospital room we just visited was Bobby.

   Bobby is a friend of a friend of North, and importantly, Bobby is one of the cupids who deliver things to Phii Fah. Bobby had an accident and has been in the hospital for several days now, and the doctors only allowed visitors today. I rushed over when I heard the news because, in one way or another, he’s someone I’ve inconvenienced.

   Bobby isn’t the one who directly delivers things to Phii Fah, but he’s one of the people in the chain of delivery. North has set up a very complex delivery system.

   “The cupid’s got a limp, what do we do now?” North said with frustration, “We can’t have Arthit delivering letters to Phii Fah.”

“Yeah, that’s true…”

“Do we have to wait for Bobby to recover?” asked Ter, “Man, that’s going to take months.”

“Exactly.”

“We need to change the plan,” Daotok said, “Otherwise, our points will go down.”

“Hmm?”

“This is our rising period, and Phii Fah seems to really like the cat now. If it suddenly disappears, our score will definitely drop.”    “Right, you’re correct,” North agreed, “But I can’t just find another cupid either. Do you understand the delivery process? It’s like a chain.

Now the chain is broken.”

“So what’s the latest we talked about?” Ter turned to ask.    “There’s nothing special,” I said honestly, “But with finals coming up, I’ve stockpiled a lot of snacks. Haven’t given any yet.”    “I wonder how Phii Fah would feel about this, it’s kind of a test of patience,” Foam said, “If Phii Fah gets anxious, that’s a good sign, right?”

“I don’t want to test him,” I said, frowning slightly, “Even if he doesn’t miss me, I feel uncomfortable not taking care of him, especially with the exams coming up.”

“That’s good,” North said calmly, sipping his blended green tea,

“Don’t test him then, let’s brainstorm what to do next instead.”

“Hmm…Is Tonfah a curious person?” Suddenly, Daotok asked. We all shook our heads, “Then we can place it somewhere and take turns picking it up.”    “Oh…but where?”

“Somewhere where no one will see.”

“Where would that be?” North said, “People are everywhere, and if it’s on the building, the janitors will take it.”

“But if it works, it’s good, right? Like, the cat puts it down in the morning, and Tonfah picks it up in the evening.”

“And what if they accidentally meet? Isn’t it too risky?” Foam raised his eyebrows.

“No, Tonfah isn’t the curious type, right? If we agree that he has to go at this specific time, he won’t peek. Besides, if he really wanted to know who it is, he would have known long ago because he respects the person in the letters.”

I nodded slightly in agreement. I had thought about it many times; if Phii Fah really wanted to know who the letter writer was, it wouldn’t be hard, but Phii Fah chooses not to investigate because he thinks of others first. If someone says they don’t want to be known, Phii Fah won’t pursue it.

   “It should be okay, but won’t it be too much trouble for Phii Fah to go pick it up?”

“Are you that considerate of him?” Foam raised his eyebrows to ask.

“Well, yeah.”

“Let’s pick somewhere close,” Dao said, going quiet as he seemed to be thinking, “Is there any place around the medical faculty where you can put something without anyone seeing?”    We went quiet…how could there be such a place?

“Uh…what if it’s the coffee shop in the medical building?”

“North, what are you talking about, how could that work?”

“I know the owner, we can ask him to join our plan.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. If not, do you have any other ideas?” North’s question made Ter go silent, “The shop owner is nice, she’ll definitely help us. Plus, your stuff will be safe; if you leave it somewhere else, someone might take it.”

“Hmm…it might be good,” I said, still not entirely convinced,

“Otherwise, I can’t think of anything else.”

Since we can’t entrust the delivery to someone anymore, this might be the only way. Leaving it somewhere else would be risky; it could get lost or seen by others, and the janitors clean the medical building thoroughly every day.

We went to the coffee shop in the medical faculty building that North told us about. At first, I was surprised to see a coffee shop in the building, but it seems like it’s doing quite well.

“North, with this many people coming into the shop, will it be okay?”

“That’s why it’s good; with lots of people coming and going, no one will be suspicious. You can just casually buy coffee or chat with the shop owner.”

North introduced us to the shop owner. Her name is Phii Gib, and she’s as nice as North described, and she’s quite close to North. When North started explaining our plan to Phii Gib, she widened her eyes in surprise.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes,” I said with a dry smile.

“Wow, not ordinary at all, are we? You’re Typhoon, right?” Phii Gib reached out and pinched my cheek playfully. I’m not used to getting my cheeks pinched, so I felt a bit stiff, “You really look like a sleepy cat.”    “Uh…”

“So, you want me to keep your stuff, and wait for Dr. Fah to come and get it, and if Dr. Fah leaves something, I should keep it until you come to pick it up?”

“Yes…would that be too much trouble?”

“Not at all, actually, it’s exciting. I’ll get to play matchmaker, and besides, it’s Dr. Fah we’re talking about. I’ll get to see him more often this way.”

“She’s a fan of Phii Fah,” North whispered.

“I’m a fan of all handsome guys,” Phii Gib said, giving North a light pinch on the cheek, “So, what’s the story? Tell me, do you like each other? And why the letters?”

“It’s complicated,” I said with a dry smile. Phii Gib pouted slightly but didn’t ask any further questions.

“Oh, okay. No need to ask, just know that I’ll help. Wow, I’m kind of jealous, Nong Ter is dating Doctor Hill, Nong North is with Doctor

Jo, and now the cat Phoon might be Doctor Fah’s boyfriend too.”    My heart skipped several beats at those words from the person in front of me.

…Boyfriend?

   Boyfriend!?

   “And what about Doctor Arthit’s boyfriend?”

“…?”

“I think it must be fate, so the next one must be Doctor Arthit’s boyfriend,” Phii Gib said playfully, pointing back and forth between Daotok and Foam.

Foam furrowed his brows, looking surprised, but Daotok kept a blank face, seemingly uninterested in Phii Gib’s teasing.

“I think it’s better if Fah comes in the morning, since Fah studies around here, right? He’ll come early so fewer people will see, but actually, Fah often stops by to buy coffee from my shop in the morning, and then Phoon can come in the evening, sit around, support my shop a bit, it’ll look natural. Really, no one would suspect. Who would bother noticing something like this?”

“It’s true. Who would suspect? It’s like you come here every day, and there are lots of people from other faculties too, just say that Phii

Gib’s coffee is so good you have to come every day.”

“Say what? It’s actually very delicious,” Phii Gib retorted, making me laugh, “So, have you agreed with Fah already?”

Oh, right. We’ve made all these plans, but we haven’t talked to Phii Fah yet, and we don’t even know if he’ll agree.

“It’s like we’re starting over from one,” Daotok said, putting down his hot coffee. We were still at Phii Gib’s coffee shop, sitting down again to discuss what to do.

“Sigh, it’s so complicated,” North said with annoyance, “The point is how we’re going to tell Phii Fah that we’re changing how we send the letters, right?”

“Hmm. Just tell him once, the first time.”

“Can’t we leave a message?” I asked, “Phii Gib said Phii Fah stops by for coffee often.”

“Oh…yeah,” North squinted at me and gave an annoying smirk, “You write the letter and leave it here, in case Phii Fah comes tomorrow.”

“We’ll have to leave it to fate whether Phii Fah comes or not,” Ter said casually, “Make sure you coordinate well with Phii Gib, okay?”    “Hmm…just a bit,” I accidentally exhaled after sipping some sweet drink.

“Are you not feeling well?”

“My throat hurts a little.”

…

Tonfah

   To…you

   I apologize for not contacting you for so long; the person who was supposed to deliver things isn’t available anymore. So, I’ve asked Phii Gib for help. I hope it’s not too much trouble for you to come to the shop every morning for your things. If it’s not convenient, that’s okay, but I still want to keep talking to you like before.    It’s almost exam time, so please take care of your health, the weather has changed a bit. I haven’t been feeling too well myself.    I’ve ordered you a hot coffee too (because Phii Gib said you come in the morning), the morning should be perfect for hot coffee, but please don’t order more, one cup is enough.

   

   “Did he leave anything else besides this?”

“No, just the hot coffee he asked for, here,” Phii Gib said, handing me the cup of hot coffee. I gave a small smile as I took it.

I folded that piece of paper and put it in my pocket.

   Why do I feel this warmth in my heart right now?

   Oh…right.

   Because of him.

   Because he’s back.

   🙂

   “Doctor.”

“Yes?”

“Do you want to find out who he is?”    “No,” I said, shaking my head.

“Hmm, good, then I won’t feel awkward. If you get curious and start pressing me for information, I’d be in big trouble,” Phii Gib said cheerfully, “But I can give you a little hint.”

“What is it?”

“He’s a very nice person.”

“Oh…”

“Why are you smiling like that?”

“I already knew that.”

“If you want to meet him, just wait for him in the evening,” Johan said while still staring at the white paper in front of him.

“No, thanks.”

“Why don’t you want to know that much?”

“He doesn’t want me to know, so what’s the big deal?” I said, “Shouldn’t I think about his comfort first? If he finds out I’m trying to find out who he is, he’ll definitely feel uncomfortable.”

“You could at least ask a little about him, so you’re not completely clueless.”

“I’ve asked,” I said. I had subtly asked him a bit about himself because I wanted to know more about him, but he didn’t respond, completely ignoring my question, making it clear that he didn’t want me to know any details about him.

“And he didn’t answer?”

“Uh-huh, it’s fine, I’m okay with it like this.”

“Well, it’s up to you then. And what’s that? Buying stuff to fill up the place?”    “No.”

“Then what?”

“He’s sick.”

“Oh, he’ll recover until the next life for sure.”

…

Typhoon

   “Uh…” I looked blankly at the white bag with the pharmacy logo on it. After I sent the first letter (through the coffee shop), I was still waiting to see if Phii Fah would reply, and in the end, he did reply and even sent something back.

Great…we’ll be able to talk like before.

“Are you sick?” Phii Gib asked after seeing me with a mask on.

“A little.”

“Take care of your health then.”

“…Oh, thank you,” I reached out to take the white bag in front of me, chatted with Phii Gib for a bit, and then took the bag back to my dorm. The bag was quite heavy.

When I opened it, I found it was full of medicine…all medicine, along with a folded piece of paper.

To…the sick one

   I wasn’t sure what your symptoms are, so I bought medicine for every possible condition. Take care of your health, please:)    I took out all the medicine to look at it. There was a handwritten note from Phii Fah, detailing which medicine to use for which case, very detailed, explaining how to observe your symptoms so you wouldn’t take the wrong medicine.

I think many times when I’ve been sick, I might have taken the wrong medicine, but not this time for sure.

It’s like having a clinic right at my fingertips, as long as the medicine doesn’t expire. I’ll be taking the medicine from this bag for a while, definitely.

He even wrote a note at the end:

(Don’t worry. I asked my aunt, who is a pharmacist, for advice on what medicine to buy and asked about the specifics of use.)

   If your condition doesn’t improve within one day, I recommend seeing a doctor, and if there’s an emergency, you can call me.    Phii Fah went to get advice from his aunt too? Honestly, I don’t question why Phii Fah bought medicine for me, but knowing this made me think he’s even more adorable.

   Plus,

   He left his number…

   So cute…

   Really cute.

   If it weren’t for the fact that it’s medicine…I would have eaten it all!

   “Are you better now?” Ter asked, “That was fast.”

“I’m better, the medicine is good.”

“What medicine?”

“I won’t tell.”

“Right.”

“Ter, if someone gives you their number, what does that mean?”

“I don’t know, they probably want you to call them.”

“Really?”

“Why the big smile, did Phii Fah give you his number?”    “Yeah,” I nodded slightly.

“Really? Through the letter?”

“Yeah, I said I wasn’t feeling well, and Phii Fah gave me his number, in case of an emergency, I could call.”

“He’s good at taking care of people.”

“…”

“Phoon, are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” I said with a muffled voice in my throat. I couldn’t tell North about this, or he’d tease me mercilessly. I buried my face in the bag on the table.

“He probably wants to take care of you through the letters too,” said the person next to me. I turned to look at him while still with my face buried in the bag, “He gave you his number because he trusts that no matter what, he could find you.”

“I don’t know who you are, where you are, but if you need me, I’ll come.”

To… you

   I’m better now, thank you very much, really. Thank you for paying attention to the details too, there’s plenty of medicine left. I’ll keep it in case I get sick again. I hope you’re not tired of sandwiches because this time, it’s a sandwich I made myself. I tried it and thought it was edible.

   I hope it makes for a good breakfast.

   “He changed it to come in the morning today,” Phii Gib said. I turned my attention to the speaker, “Maybe he’s worried the sandwich might get hard, so he didn’t dare leave it overnight.”

“How early in the morning?”

“Since I opened the shop, around 7 a.m., I think.”

Then I’d have to wake up even earlier to make the sandwich…

“Then please leave this with him,” I said, handing the bag in my hand to the coffee shop owner along with some money, “And treat him to something he likes too, please.”

“Sure thing.”

“What do you like?”

“Me? Probably peach tea.”

“Okay.”

“Why?”

“Dr. Fah asked me to make you a drink you like.”

“Oh,” I waited at the counter until the glass of peach tea was served.    “Doesn’t the doctor know what you like?” Phii Gib asked. I shook my head in response, “That’s a pity, isn’t it? When you know everything Dr. Fah likes, but Dr. Fah doesn’t know anything about you.”

“Well, I’ve never told him,” because I’ve hardly ever mentioned in the letters what I like or dislike.

“That’s why I say it’s a pity. It seems like Dr. Fah wants to get to know you.”    “Really?”

“I don’t know why you don’t want Dr. Fah to know it’s you…but in a relationship where one knows everything and the other knows nothing, the one who knows nothing is kind of pitiful. They have to trust a lot, you know.”

“…”

“You know, but he doesn’t. Even though he likes you that much, how must he feel not knowing anything about you?”

“…Yes.”

“Sorry, I was just talking. If I’ve overstepped, I apologize.”    “No, not at all,” I smiled and shook my head slightly before walking back to the dorm.

It’s true what Phii Gib said, if it were me…I like someone but know nothing about him. I would feel quite lost, not knowing when he might disappear. I’m confident I wouldn’t disappear, but Phii Fah…Phii Fah knows nothing.

   Phii Fah once asked me a little about myself…but I didn’t answer, after that, he never asked again.

   But thinking like this makes my heart swell.

   I talk as if Phii Fah already likes me…

   But I can think that way, right? Since our relationship has become like this.

   I’ve been troubled for a long time, what Phii Gib said is right…    Phii Fah knows nothing about the person in the letters, that person could disappear anytime, there’s no information, Phii Fah has no way to contact him unless that person contacts first, would it be an unstable relationship for Phii Fah?

   Suddenly, my phone rang, startling me as I was deep in thought. I quickly grabbed my phone to check and saw it was an unknown number calling.

I answered hesitantly.

“Hello?”

(…Is this Typhoon?)

   “Yes…who is this?”

(Are you Rati’s son…right?)    “…Uh, that is…”

(I’m Rati’s new wife…Are you free to talk? I’d like to meet you.)

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 16: Actually

   “Why are you doing this?”

“…”

“Just because I’m your junior, you can do anything?”

“…Calm down.”

“How can I calm down? I’m human too, Phii. There’s no need to go this far.”

“Damn Jo, control your wife, he’s going berserk.”

“I told you he’s a hotheaded gamer.”

“Phii Arthit! I’m your junior, don’t you see me as your junior?”

“Yeah, you’re my junior, or do you want to be my wife?”

“Arthit!!.”

“Alright, Jo, can’t I even tease a little?”

“You did it on purpose.”

“I know, I’m determined.”

The scene in front of me is North and Phii Arthit playing a mobile game together. North is the kind of hot-headed gamer that Phii Jo described. I’ve never seen North get this angry over anything as much as when he’s playing games, and he’s very serious about it too.    But the cuter picture is North sitting on Phii Jo’s lap, which has become a familiar sight because these two are always like this, even before they started dating.

Ter is sitting next to Phii Hill, leaning on Phii Hill’s arm. As for me, I’m sitting next to Foam and directly across from Phii Fah…This kind of scenario happens often because my friends are dating his friends, but we don’t really look at each other or talk. I usually hang out with Foam more.

Phii Fah is focused on his work…beside him, there’s the box of chocolate milk I bought for him this morning. I couldn’t help but smile without realizing it; why does it feel so good? Just because Phii Fah is drinking the milk I bought for him. The stuff that Phii Fah sent back is in my bag. I haven’t even opened it to see what it is; I’ll open it when I get back to my room.

“Bro, when I pressed, it went in, why did you retreat?”

“Look at my health bar, we’d all be dead if I pushed forward.”

“Just admit you’re bad at this.”

“Bad my ass.”

“You’re really bad, Phii.”

“North.”

“What, Phii Arthit, what are you going to do about it?”

“Annoying, let’s do a one-on-one, you talk too much.”

“Come on then, you think I’m scared?”

“I think we’re getting too close.”

We all couldn’t help but laugh at the two guys getting heated over the game. I’ve rarely seen Phii Arthit like this, probably because I don’t talk to him much, but seeing him with North is pretty funny.

“I’m just kidding, bro, I still respect you.”

“You’ve already smeared my face with your foot.”

“Oh, you got it but didn’t say.”

“You’re such a little shit.”

They were talking while still laughing, truly entertaining, when

North and Phii Arthit played games together. It’s the same when North plays games with his engineering friends, but North says he doesn’t want to play games with us because he doesn’t want to swear accidentally, saying it feels inexplicably sinful.

   But why does Phii Arthit play games when Phii Fah is working?

   “Fah…where are you going?”

“To the bathroom for a bit,” Phii Fah answered Phii Hill after getting up from the table.

North looked away from his phone screen and glanced at Phii Fah.

“Phii Arthit, do you think Phii Fah is annoyed by us?”

“No.”

“But we’re being very loud. I forgot that Phii Fah is working.”

“It’s fine, Fah can study even at concerts, you can continue playing, the lane up top will get another kill.”

“Alright, how can we get a kill?”

At first, I was secretly worried that Phii Fah might be annoyed by me sitting at the table, but it’s been like this for nearly a year, so it’s probably fine. Besides…even if it might be a bit uncomfortable, I still want to see him, as I’ve said before.

“Arthit, what are you doing?”

“I’m hungry.”

“Fah might get mad,” Phii Hill warned when he saw Phii Arthit reaching for Phii Fah’s bag.

“Yeah. It’s fine.”

“Arthit.”

“It’s really fine.”

“Sigh, do whatever you want, I’ve tried to stop you,” Phii Hill sighed slightly. I looked at Phii Arthit, who was rummaging through Phii Fah’s bag with confusion, before understanding instantly when Phii Arthit pulled out the snacks I had just bought for Phii Fah in the morning.

   Wait…don’t tell me…

   “Hey,” North immediately protested after seeing such an audacious act, “Is that okay, bro?”

“He doesn’t mind. It’s normal.”

“Are you saying you normally steal stuff?”

“Makes me sound like a bad guy.”

“It’s not just looking like one, is it?” North said quietly, but everyone could still hear it.

“It won’t break, just messing around.”

“What?”

“Arthit,” Phii Fah’s voice came from behind. Phii Arthit was about to open the snack pack, and I was worried he might actually eat it, but

Phii Fah came back just in time, “What are you doing?”

“Just want a bite, I’m hungry.”

“No way.”

Phii Fah said, pulling the snack back, and Phii Arthit shrugged indifferently.

“You’re so stingy, it’s just snacks.”

“I warned you, you’ll definitely get scolded by Fah,” Phii Hill said.

“Are you mad at me, Fah? Over something like this?”

“Not mad,” Phii Fah said before sitting down and putting the snack back into his bag as it was before.

“See, I told you Fah isn’t mad.”

“But this term, I won’t do your work for you.”

“Phii Fah is really protective of your snacks, huh?”

“Foam, stop teasing, you’ve been teasing me since we came out.”

“It’s important stuff. Who said you can’t touch it?”

“Foam…”

“Yeah, yeah. No more teasing, I’m leaving now.”

“Drive safely, okay?”

“Okay, see you.”

“See you.”

I stood watching Foam as he dropped me off at my dorm, unable to help but smile broadly, trying to hold back my smile ever since we were at that place.

   Phii Fah…protects my snacks.

   I immediately ran up to my room and sat down at my desk, blushing alone. Good heavens…why is my heart beating so hard? Am I going to have a heart attack? My face feels all hot now.

   Without delay, I quickly opened my bag to pull out the bag Phii Fah had left for me and opened it right away. From the first time Phii Fah sent something back, we’ve been sending each other snacks and small notes for almost a month now, like being pen pals.

   Up to now, it was just regular snacks with notes saying something like “Enjoy your snack,” or “Have a good day,” just ordinary messages, but never ordinary to me.

   This time, it was a box of chocolate that I hadn’t seen before, which probably looked quite expensive.

   Along with a piece of paper that had the message:

   Is this chocolate sweet like you? 🙂

   “What’s this?”

“…”

“Look up, how can I talk to the back of your head?”

“Nong…”

“Your voice is trembling.”

“Nong, uh…”

“Damn you.” North’s laughter came through the video call on the screen after I saw Phii Fah’s message, which almost gave me a heart attack. It took me nearly ten minutes to regain my composure, and when I did, I immediately called someone, and North was the most recent chat.    “North, I’m like…”

“Yeah?”

“My hands are shaking, will my heart burst out?”

“Calm down, Phoon,” because I felt my face was very red, I kept my head down, covering my face with my hands all the time. When I looked up, I found North lying on the sofa, eating snacks comfortably,

“Maybe some chocolate will help?”

“I don’t want chocolate anymore,” I said in a muffled voice, “I won’t eat anyone else’s chocolate.”

“You only want Phii Fah’s chocolate then.”

“…come on.”

“Chocolate that’s as sweet as you, huh?”

“North! You never stop teasing me.”

“Sorry, sorry, I’ve been holding it in, haven’t teased anyone in a while.”

“Is that message like…flirting, or what?” I asked again, the person on the other side of the video call sighed in frustration.

“Yeah, you’ve asked a hundred times already.”

“It’s not just friends through letters or siblings anymore, right?”    “What do you want from me? Huh, are you happy that Phii Fah is flirting with you?”

“North…”

“See, when I tell you straight, you get embarrassed,” North said,

“I’ve got some chocolate, want some?”

I shook my head; he just keeps trying to give me chocolate, I can already guess he’ll be teased about chocolate by another Arthit.

“It’s just…North, it’s like…”

“I’ve never met anyone who gets embarrassed and can’t speak properly like you.”    “Don’t you get like that?”

“No, Ter doesn’t either, I think.”

“…really?” I buried my face into the fat cat plushie that Daotok bought for me about half a year ago, so much that the cat’s face was completely squished, “At first, I thought…we would just be pen pals, you know, talking like this is fine.”

“Are we the talking type?”

“Yeah. Not the aggressive type like you.”

“I told you to be more assertive, or else you’ll stay with the dogs, the bone isn’t just cat food for you alone.”

“Are you saying Phii Fah is a bone?”

“Am I comparing?” North said with annoyance again, “Don’t stay in your safe zone, or else you’ll be there for life.”

“I know, just give me some time.”

“But Phii Fah…”

“…has already stepped out of his safe zone before you,” North said, “Here you said you would pursue Phii Fah, but Phii Fah is clearly pursuing you.”

“…”

“What are you going to do now that he’s made the first move like this?”

“…”

I buried my face into the fat cat plushie even harder, blushing so much from what North said that I almost bit the fat cat’s ear off because I didn’t know what else to do with my embarrassment.

   “Calm down, man, you’re going to tear off Suphaporn’s ear.”

“I hate it, it’s not polite.”

“I named it ‘Ghost Under the Table’.”

“I hate the name ‘Ghost Under the Table’ too.”

“It’s called ‘Ghost Under the Table’.” The other side said, not really caring much. This fat cat plushie was named Suphaporn by Daotok…which I think doesn’t really match its face, but whatever, Suphaporn is Suphaporn.

“Where is Phii Jo?” I asked.

“He hasn’t come back yet.”

“Working?”

“Um,” North frowned slightly. Whenever we talk about Phii Jo and he’s not around, it’s always like this. Does he even realize it? “Just a little work, it’s urgent so I went to help.”

“Hmm, impressive.”

“Phii Fah is impressive too.”

“Why?”

“I overheard Phii Fah and Phii Jo talking about some project related to hospital equipment. Phii Fah is involved a lot with his family’s hospital business, so he encountered some issues with equipment. He probably had an idea on how to fix it and went to discuss it with Phii

Jo.”

“Wow…like fixing or improving equipment?” I asked, stunned.

“I think so, they were looking at it together first. If it’s okay, they’ll have to turn it into something official, probably need to propose it to both Phii Fah’s dad and Phii Jo’s dad, I guess. It would be like a project where the company collaborates with the hospital.”    “Wow, that’s cool,” I said, my eyes wide open, almost unable to believe it. It sounds so grand. “Is Phii Jo interested in Phii Fah’s idea?”    “Anything that can make money, Phii Jo is interested in,” North said, bursting into laughter, “Really, man, in business, if you see profit and a way forward, you’ve got to dare to invest a bit.”

“Impressive, I couldn’t do that.”

And then North and I talked aimlessly for almost fifteen minutes until I realized he had taken us off-topic again, leading us out to sea somewhere, almost forgetting what we were actually talking about.    “Ah, so what’s next?” North raised an eyebrow, feigning a serious expression which was quite annoying. I frowned at him.

“I don’t know, keep talking, I guess?”

“Are you going to ignore the ‘sweet like you’ line?”

“And what do you want me to do?”

“Um,” North frowned slightly again. Whenever we talk about Phii Jo and he’s not around, it’s always like this. Does he even realize it?

“Just a little work, it’s urgent so I went to help.”

“Hmm, impressive.”

“Phii Fah is impressive too.”

“Why?”

“I overheard Phii Fah and Phii Jo talking about some project related to hospital equipment. Phii Fah is probably dealing a lot with the family’s hospital business, so he encountered some issues with the equipment. He seems to have an idea on how to fix it, so he consulted

Phii Jo.”

“Wow…like fixing the equipment or improving it?” I asked, somewhat stunned.

“I think so. They’re looking at it together first. If it’s good, they’ll probably make it into a project, propose it to both Phii Fah’s father and Phii Jo’s father, I guess. It’s like a joint project between the company and the hospital.”

“Wow, that’s impressive,” I said, my eyes wide with disbelief. It sounds so grand, “Is Phii Jo interested in Phii Fah’s idea?”    “Phii Jo is interested in anything that can make money,” North said with a laugh, “Really, you know, in business, if you see profit and a way forward, you have to be willing to take some risks.”

“He’s talented, I couldn’t do that.”

And then North and I continued chatting for almost fifteen minutes until I realized he had sidetracked me again, taking me out to sea somewhere, and I almost forgot what we were originally talking about.

“Ah, so what are you going to do next?” North raised his eyebrows to ask, pretending to look serious in an annoying way. I frowned at him.

“I don’t know, continue talking, I guess.”

“Are you going to let the sweet like you line just blur away?”

“And what should I do?”

“Reply, ‘I’m sweeter than your chocolate.’” North said, bursting into laughter, always finding his own words amusing, “Just kidding, don’t actually say that.”

“I won’t.” I shook my head, “If things get better between me and

Phii Fah, that’d be nice, but I’m a bit scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“Like…it’s me, you know, it’s really me in the letters. If Phii Fah finds out, will he be disappointed?”    “Why would he be disappointed?”

“Because it’s me.”

“Why would that matter?” North raised his eyebrows in confusion, “Don’t underestimate yourself. What you should worry about more is your dad. If Phii Fah finds out, everything could go to hell.”    “Yeah…that’s right,” I said, just realizing it…father. I haven’t been in contact with my father for a long time, probably almost a month now. Most of the time, it’s Uncle-Kong who occasionally calls about the money he transfers to me, “I haven’t talked to my dad in a long time.”    “It’s been a while since then. Nothing to fear anymore, right?”    “No way,” I shook my head, “No matter what…no way, I might get transferred, really. He doesn’t care if I have friends or whatever, sigh, I still don’t know where our relationship is heading. And then there’s the matter with my dad; I still can’t reveal who’s behind the letters.”    “You’re going to make him like you and then disappear? That’s cruel.”

“I never said I would disappear.”

“You’ve disappeared from Phii Fah once already. Are you going to do it again?” North asked with a serious look, “Last time when you left, I thought you were really cruel.”

“I know,” I nodded. Whether it was the various ways I hurt Phii

Fah’s feelings or leaving without explaining, “Even if I claim there was a reason, he still doesn’t know. And…claiming there’s a reason to hurt someone else isn’t right, is it?”

“Right…because of you,” North said before trailing off.

“I’ve learned from my past, right?” I said. It’s a phrase North often tells me, especially when I start blaming myself.

“Just don’t repeat it.”

“Yeah. This time it has to be better than the last,” I said with a smile,

“I…guess I need to do something.”

“Yes, if Phii Fah is like this. One day, you’ll have to reveal yourself, no matter what. You can’t let things with your dad stay like this.”    “But I don’t have any good ideas, and talking has never worked.”

“How about using a strong approach?”

“How?”

“What do your dad do?”

“He works at a real estate company.”

“Why not have Phii Jo buy that company? If he owns the company, he can definitely pressure your dad.”

“What are you made of, heart-wise?” I said, laughing out loud. North didn’t pick up rich habits from Phii Jo, but he’s always been like this, joking about buying the world and sending Dao to Mars, or buying the faculty to give himself A grades, “That’s a bit much.”    “I was just kidding, forget about your dad for now, thinking about it gives me a headache, let’s survive the present first.”

“Oh, but you were the one who brought up the topic of my dad first.”

“Yeah, forget it, I forgot.”

Because we didn’t want to think about it, we changed the subject. Is it that easy…

“So, what’s the conclusion?”

“Back to the original question.” I sighed, glancing at the letter from Phii Fah that I had placed on the table, thinking about how to keep it, but definitely not sticking it next to the photos of those two with

Daotok, “Guess we’ll just keep talking.”

“Not going to take the initiative anymore?”

“Do you want me to only take the initiative?”

“I’m impatient.”

“Well…I think taking it slow, chatting, is nice, and I just got a Polaroid camera too,” I said, showing the Polaroid camera I had just decided to buy the day before to North, “It’s better to send some photos to Phii Fah.”    “Yeah, that’s cute.”

“Right, Polaroids are cool, you know,” I started to extol the virtues of Polaroid photos, being a camera enthusiast, I got a bit carried away, until North looked bored, “The colors are so beautiful when they develop.”

“Yeah, good, but don’t accidentally send a selfie.”

“Are you crazy?”

“Phii Fah must be a romantic, I think,” North got up to grab a new bag of snacks and then lay back down to continue eating, “Look at the sentences he sent, how can you not blush?”

“Hmm,” I raised my eyebrows at what North said, “Romantic?”

“Yes, or not?”

“Not.”

“Not romantic?”

“Defeated by Phii Fah.”

“You did well there,” North said with a slight chuckle.

We talked on the call for quite a while. I don’t often have these long calls with friends, but I frequently talk with Dao because he doesn’t have many people to talk to. As for Ter and North, they’re with their partners, and Foam said he has someone new to talk to.

   “Hey, Phoon, can I ask something?”

“Sure.”

“Why do you want Phii Fah to be your sky?”

“I don’t want him to be; he’s already my sky.”

“But didn’t he say he can’t be that for anyone?”

“Yeah,” I nodded slightly, “But I made him my sky myself. Even if he doesn’t accept it, I’m not forcing it on him. It’s more like, me liking him is my own business, I guess.”    “Yeah, you’re quite stubborn, I like that.”

“Phii Fah once said I see the sky too positively, to be honest, I can’t see it negatively at all. Even if I’m afraid of lightning or scared of the dark sky, I still like it.”

“It’s like no matter what you are, I’ll still love you for being you.”    “The sky is always beautiful, no matter when. Whether at sunrise or sunset, when it’s cloudy, or at night with or without the moon, it’s still beautiful to me. So even if Phii Fah says the sky isn’t always beautiful, for me…I think the sky is always beautiful.”

“Phii Fah…might have a side I’ve never seen, like you said, people always have many sides. But if I gradually move closer like this, little by little…”

“I hope we can get to know each other’s other sides more.”

…

Tonfah

   “Hey?”

“You sound so relaxed.”

“Just normal.”

“How long have you been awake?”

“Not long.”

“Got a headache?”

“Hell yeah.”

“Eat some food and take some medicine.” I put the bag with rice down on the table in front of the couch where Arthit was looking like he hadn’t slept much, last night he was drunk and came to knock on my door, I didn’t ask why he came to me, I guessed it was because he didn’t want to go home.

   He’s been hungover on the sofa all day, so he didn’t go to class today. Apart from me having to collect his work, I also had to buy food for him to use my sofa.

   “Thanks, the gods have blessed me,” Arthit said playfully before propping himself up to open the rice box, “Sorry for bothering you.”

“No problem, and what made you get this drunk?”

He shrugged indifferently, still chewing on the rice.

I looked away from the person eating, if it’s like this, it’s the same old reason, and I didn’t feel like asking more. I sat down on the small couch next to him, feeling exhausted.    Today has been another exhausting day…

“You look tired.”

“Yeah, I’m tired.”

“Being Tonfah is tiring, huh?”

“Yeah, being Tonfah is damn tiring,” I accidentally let out a wry smile, “Is being Arthit tiring?”    “Ha, being me is super shitty.”

“What do you mean by shitty?”

“Everything.”

Hill once said that I and Arthit are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Arthit is someone who loves freedom, doesn’t care about anyone or anything, does what he wants, goes where he pleases, in contrast to me who likes to take care of others to the point where sometimes it seems excessive, but I don’t realize it because I’ve been like this since I was a kid.

   “Do you remember?”

“Remember what?”

“What Hill once said, if you combine you and me, we’d get the most perfect person.”

“But I don’t want to combine with you.”

“I don’t want to either, it’s just a comparison,” I said, turning to him,

“Arthit.”

“What?”

“Got a cigarette?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Can I have one?”

“You want to smoke?”

“Yeah.”

I’m not someone who smokes heavily. It’s just that sometimes, when I can’t handle my feelings, like in this case.

   We went out to the balcony to smoke together.

   “Can you still smoke? I thought you’d be hungover,” I asked.

“I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?”

I inhaled the gray smoke deep into my lungs and exhaled it. The view in front of me was one I was quite familiar with, now mixed with the faint drifting smoke.

“It doesn’t suit you.”

“What?”

“You smoke, and in your school uniform too.”

“It’s fine. No one’s watching.”

“I am.”

“That doesn’t count,” I turned to look at the person next to me, who had tousled his hair up messily, wearing a black T-shirt and jeans, looking somewhat exhausted, “Doesn’t it look like me?”    Which perspective do you want me to answer from?

“From someone else’s.”

“Hmm. Not you at all. Even just smoking isn’t you.”

“Ha,” I looked off into the distance with an empty gaze and feeling.    Tonfah is the sky my father hoped for, a sky that’s above everyone else.

   Tonfah is the tree my mother wanted me to be, always a shelter for others.

   And what about me…

   Do I really want to be like that?

   I’ve always been ‘expected’, since I was born and given this name, everyone expects me to be good, to excel in studies, to be kind, to be this and that. I was taught to be like this since I was a child, my parents taught me to sacrifice, to endure, to do for others. To care for and look after others, putting them first always.

   It has become a habit that sometimes I don’t even realize…

   Tonfah, you must be like this or that. I’ve always lived up to those expectations, until one day, I started to question, who am I really…    I have to study well, and when the results meet expectations, it’s just not disappointing, but why don’t I feel happy…

   My parents named me Tonfah even before I was conceived. They had planned what I should be like. Of course, it’s not coercion, but I became accustomed to doing what everyone expected of me.

   But it’s not that bad. I can do it, and I think I do it well, it’s just sometimes tiring. Just tired.

   It turns out, I need to see those around me happy for me to be happy. Seeing my mother happy with my grades is more joyful than just seeing my grades.

   Jo once said this habit can’t be changed, but caring for everyone and everything is bound to be tiring, and on the days I’m tired, Jo wants me to try to care a bit less.

   “You can’t care for everyone, if two people come crying to you, you can only comfort one, right? Prioritize, not everyone has to be important to you.”

   That’s what Johan once said to me.

   But aside from my close friends and family, everyone is equally important to me, maybe because I’ve never felt otherwise.

   “You’ve put everyone in the same zone from the first time you met them, so how can you open your heart to someone like that?”    Yes…if you look closely, I’ve always had a wall since the first time we met. If you get close enough, you’ll see that wall, but not everyone can get close.

   I can’t reciprocate anyone’s feelings. I’m afraid they’ll be disappointed, just like how anyone seeing me smoke now would be disappointed too.

   Because Tonfah is perfect in every way, but not for me. If all this is truly who I am, why does it feel so empty?

   The sky or the tree that parents want…is that me?

   Because in reality, I’m not perfect…

   I’ve never been perfect.

   I’m just an ordinary guy.

   Everyone who comes close expects me to be what they want. I’m not interesting like Johan or Hill, I’m rather boring. Someone once said I was intriguing…but in truth, even if you search, you won’t find anything.

   One woman I used to date, we had to break up because we weren’t compatible. She said I was the perfect man in every way, but I’m not like that. She had expectations of me like everyone else, and I felt that I didn’t think of her in that romantic way, more like a friend. At that time, I didn’t understand those feelings much, but now I understand that wasn’t love.

   “Fah.”

“Hmm?”

“I heard Mild confessed her love to you the other day.”

“How did you know?”

“And how did it go?” Arthit cut off my question. Mild, or

Thanmild, is a star in my faculty. Initially, Mild liked Hill, but when Hill got together with Ter, it seemed like Mild was shattered. She couldn’t pull herself back together, so she came to consult me. I tried my best to give advice until recently when Mild told me that I was the one who made her feel better, like some kind of light, and it ended with her confessing her love.

“I rejected her.”

“Oh, and how did she take it?”

“Called me a bastard.”    “Really? Call you that?”    I nodded.

“Why would you want that?”

“Maybe I gave her false hope.”

“Did you give her hope?”

“No,” I shook my head. I just treated him normally, like Mild was someone who needed help, “He just wanted to have some hope.”

“Are you sure?”

“Hmm,” I nodded, “Why?”

“If you didn’t get involved from the start, it would have been over.” “If you abandon someone from the start, you’re cruel, but if you care for them without loving them, you’re still cruel,” I said, shrugging slightly, “In the end, just not loving someone is considered cruel.”    “Yeah, whatever, I shouldn’t have asked, it’s too complicated,” Arthit said dismissively, “Next time, just say from the first meeting that I don’t like you, so they don’t get the wrong idea.”

“Really go with that?”

“Yeah, that’s it, I don’t like you, don’t get the wrong idea.”    “Damn,” I said, bursting into laughter, “He might retort that he doesn’t like you either, now that’s awkward.”

“It’s fine, it’s about setting clear zones right from the start.”    “Sigh, you’re something else,” I shook my head slightly, “Jo said if I want to find clarity first, set priorities, so you don’t have to see everyone as equally important.”

“Yeah, that’s good, try it.”

“I don’t know. I’ve never had someone important, except for friends and family.”

“You’re asking me for advice? Fah, seriously?”

“Just trying to ask.”

“Just try opening your heart to someone, maybe. Having a partner is the most important thing, right? You’ll end up paying less attention to others.”

“Can you give advice on this matter, about having a partner?”

Arthit shook his head with a disgusted look. Ah…true, Arthit is the man furthest from the concept of love.    “What about the person from the letters?”

“Why?”

“Come on, you said you’ve opened your heart.”

“Yeah, he’s exactly what I’m looking for.”

I like the special kind of ordinary…even though the sentences we talk about might be simple, he never thought to change them. The sentences remain as simple as telling me to eat, rest well, or discussing the weather, which becomes more and more ‘cute’, ‘cute’, and ‘cute’.

   Johan said if it reaches the point where it’s “cute as hell”, it’s dangerous.

   I’ve received many letters, but I’ve never replied to anyone, except for this person, with the care I’ve never received before. Normally, if I don’t reply, people would send messages back, asking things like, ‘Don’t you like the snacks?’ or ‘Do you like it? Let me know.’    But this person still writes about mundane things like the weather, as if he’s ready to look after me like this forever, without expecting anything in return.

   Because others come to me as if I’m special, when I’m just an ordinary person. All I want is this kind of ordinary.

   So…I like it.

   “Fah.”

“Hmm?”

“Chocolate price.”

“How much?”

“$550, in US dollars.”

“17,400 baht,” I repeated the amount converted from dollars to baht, then took out my phone to transfer the money to Arthit. I asked him to buy chocolate for me since he was going abroad.

It’s the chocolate brand that I think is the best.

And I wonder if it’s as sweet as someone.

“My friends are all about spending money,” Arthit said after seeing the amount transferred into his account.

“And you?”

“What do you expect me to do, my money is my money.”

“Cheap bastard.”

“Are you going back now?” I asked as we walked back into the room.

“Guess so, let me borrow a shirt to change into, I stink of booze.”    “It’s in the closet,” I said, before Arthit walked towards my wardrobe. I just remembered that I also received a bag of snacks today, but because I was busy all day, I hadn’t opened it to see what the person had sent back.

I pulled out a light blue paper bag from my bag, curious about what he replied with, and found a chocolate bar, a bottle of syrup, and a Polaroid photo.

Huh?

   Did he send a photo too?

   I raised my eyebrows in surprise at what I found. Taking it out, I saw it was a photo of the chocolate box I had bought, and the chocolates inside had been completely eaten, leaving only the box and the wrapper.

   There was a message written on the back of the Polaroid, ‘I don’t know either, because I’ve never tasted myself, but this chocolate box was just sweet enough, very delicious, thank you, ( v )’    I couldn’t help but smile broadly after reading the message.

   If what Johan said is true…this could be dangerous.

   Good heavens…

   You really are the kind of person I like.

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 15: Light The Way

   Tonfah

   I sat there, glancing at the snack bag on the table.

   They sent it again today…

   I don’t really like snacks that much, but often I have to accept them because I don’t want to disappoint the giver. I eat some, but if I don’t really like them, I don’t eat them.

   But I don’t know who keeps sending them to me…It’s been a month or so, sent through a second-year medical student I’m somewhat familiar with but don’t really know.

   “Again?” Arthit asked, still looking at his phone screen.

“Yeah.”

“They’re quite persistent.”

“Right.”

“If it were me, I would have given up by now.”

“Yeah,” I shrugged indifferently. The handwriting was unfamiliar, but I was sure it was from the same person who sent messages during the break, saying, “I fucking love you so much.” At that time, I thought it must be a second-year student, but when the term started, they referred to themselves as “I” and “you” in the letters.

It’s strange…

   It can’t be a mistake.

   It has to be a second-year student…

   When I first read that letter, I thought it was cute; many people send me letters, but no one has ever said they “fucking love you so much” me before, so I just thought it was cute.

   “Hey, Fah.”

“What?” I looked up at Hill who called my name.

“I told Phoon.”

“What did you say?”

“I said ‘Don’t forget to thank him’.”

“Did you let it slip?”

“I meant to do it.”

“Hmm,” I nodded, having expected that Hill would say something. Hill is one of those who always encourages me to talk to Phoon, “It’s fine, it’s just about treating someone to a meal.”

“Why do you have to treat him?” Johan, who was lying on the bench, spoke up.

“He’s my junior.”

“Junior?”

“Yeah, what’s up with you?” I raised my eyebrows, puzzled, as Jo sat back up.

“Nothing,” the person across from me shrugged lightly, “Why are you only interested now? It’s been a year and there was no issue.”

“I’ve already said I hate being ignored.”

“And now the junior doesn’t ignore you?”

“We’ve talked a bit.”

“You should know how it is, North and Ter going to Phoon’s room that day,” Johan said while looking at Hill, “They were determined to go, which means it’s important.”

“Hmm,” Hill nodded, “What do you think it could be about?”

“It’s your business, Fah.”

“And there was a letter, along with the snacks that Arthit ate,” I said. The words written in that letter were similar to North’s, and might have been suggested by North. I don’t know this junior named Daotok, but I guess he might be the planner because North and Ter wouldn’t come up with something like this.    But there might be others involved too…

“You know it’s Phoon.”

“How can you be so sure?” I asked Hill back, “There’s not a shred of evidence.”

“But the chances are high, aren’t they?” Hill said in a flat tone, “Let me ask again, what do you think?”

“I don’t like Phoon.”

“Damn, that’s harsh,” Jo said with a sigh, “Have you always thought of him just as a little brother?”

“Yeah.”

I knew Typhoon liked me. No…what he showed was even more than that, but he tried to keep it from me. He seemed to have built some kind of wall around himself. His eyes conveyed so much pain that I thought he must have gone through something terrible.

   And I tried to make amends during those four years because I felt it was my fault for leaving him and not keeping in touch…Typhoon was one of the important nongs that I had to look after.

   But suddenly, he changed, becoming someone else, not himself. Not his words. Not his actions or mannerisms. At first, I didn’t understand it at all, but I tried to adjust myself over time. Not long after, I woke up to find his room completely empty.

   No trace of his existence…

   Really gone…

   I chose to respect his decision. No matter what happened, since Phoon decided to go, it meant that at that time, it was the best choice for him.

   And I chose to stop chasing him.

   To deal with my own feelings.

   I only recently learned about Torfan…Fan is dead, so why would

Phoon lie? And about Fan’s LINE account. At first, I was a bit surprised but didn’t think much of it. Why did Phoon have to go that far?

   To be honest, I was angry…very angry.

   But I believe there must be a reason, and I believe that beneath Phoon’s actions is a kid who needs help.

   When I noticed him looking happier, I immediately understood that Typhoon had grown stronger. No matter what the problem was, he could now endure and fight through the rain.

   I wanted to say he’s done very well…

   He sees me as the sky…I think so, he wanted me to be everything, but I couldn’t be. He used to have Torfan as everything in his life, and when Fan disappeared, he couldn’t live on.

   And what if I disappear…

   Torfan’s accident didn’t come with any warning signs, so the same could apply to me. I might cross the road and get hit by a car and die.

Therefore, I don’t want to be everything to anyone.

   I have not Typhoon’s whole life. I hope he will love himself more than they ever have, so I’ve been trying to make Phoon see his own good qualities, praising him often. The truth is, he’s already capable, everything about him is already great.

   I’m glad Phoon has become stronger without needing me…    I decided to go see my junior at the store while everyone was having a celebration because I thought we should talk, but the moment I arrived, his expression clearly showed he wasn’t ready to talk and was ready to disappear again.

   So…I won’t approach him carelessly again.

   “Isn’t Phoon cute?” Johan raised his eyebrows to ask.

“He’s cute, but do you understand that we’ve been together since we were kids?” For me, Phoon is special, but we’re just like phii-nong, “We haven’t seen each other in a long time either.”

“Then you should make it clear,” Hill said with a serious look,

“That’s why I told you to be careful.”

“I’ve been careful.”

“How so?”

“Fah takes care of everyone like this, doesn’t he, Hill?” Johan spoke up, “People will like who they like, but if Fah doesn’t like them back,

Fah isn’t at fault…”

“But Fah, if you like Phoon and you’re just not aware of it, I’ll scold you on behalf of that jerk.”

“Hmm,” I said, letting out a small laugh at Jo’s words, “If I like him,

I like him, okay? But right now, I don’t see Phoon that way.”    “We won’t interfere,” Johan said, “It wouldn’t be fair to you if we sided with Phoon just because he’s friends with your boyfriend, you can date someone else, we won’t stop you.”

“Aren’t you angry?” I turned to ask Hill, who let out a small sigh and shook his head in response, “I’m glad you understand.”

“Don’t block Phoon out just because he’s your little nong, look, he’s courting you this much,” Jo said, picking up the bag of snacks to look,

“This time it’s grape juice.”

I shook my head slightly at Jo’s words. Hill and Jo think it’s Phoon, seriously. We all think so, but we’re not completely sure because there’s no evidence, and anything could be possible.

He handed me back the snack bag. I opened it to see what was written in the letter this time:

This morning, the weather is quite hot. I think grape water will refresh you. I’m not sure if you’ve had breakfast, so I bought some sausages for you; they should fill you up for a bit.    P.S. I hope your lab goes well today.

   Even though I’m not sure who this person is, the gifts are never the same. He seems to have bought everything from 7-Eleven for me, but he’s very thoughtful. On hot days, he buys fruit juice; on cooler days, it’s milk, sometimes hot milk. The snacks are varied, he knows what I study each day, and during the mini-exams, he sends more, bigger bags of things that are perfect for study sessions.

One thing I know for sure is that he cares about me.

In a way no one else has ever done before…

“Isn’t the handwriting familiar?” Johan raised an eyebrow.    “No. It’s not Phoon’s, but it’s just handwriting, anyone can write like this,” I said what I thought, “And you guys seem pretty interested.”    “Aren’t you?” Hill asked.

“Not really.”

“But you seem a bit more interested now, don’t you? Look how you’re eating everything he buys.”

“Uh-huh, he’s quite sweet.”

“No matter who it is?” Johan asked.

“Yeah. No matter who it is, it’s sweet.”

It’s clear he doesn’t want me to know his true identity. For whatever reason, since he doesn’t want me to know, I shouldn’t know. I always respect others’ decisions.

“You said you don’t like Phoon,” Hill reiterated.

“Yeah.”

“But you’re starting to like the person in the letters.”

“I guess so. Just starting to take notice.”

“What if Phoon is the one sending them?”

“I guess I like Phoon.”

“But you said you didn’t like him.”

“Yeah, I’ve always seen Phoon as a younger brother, I’ve never seen him in any other way, but if Phoon is the one who wrote the letter, then I might see a side of him I’ve never seen before.”    “Why not try talking to him, write a reply,” Hill said.

“Let’s wait. I’m not interested enough yet.” I said with a slight smile, yes…right now I’m just a little interested, I guess I’ll have to wait and see for a while longer.

“Why don’t you find out why your junior is distancing himself from you?”

“Hmm? Why should I look for reasons? Isn’t it clear that he doesn’t want me to know?”

“Aren’t you being a bit dense?” Arthit asked. I immediately turned to look at him.    “No. I’m not like that.”

I smiled at the medical student who came to deliver something from that person to me, taking the item in hand. This time it was the same paper bag, and this time I handed another bag back in return.

“Yes?”

“Please give this to the person who sent this.”

“Oh, sure.”

The junior nodded and walked away. I’ve gotten quite familiar with his face, but each time I forget to ask his name. In reality, if I wanted to investigate, it would be very easy, but as I’ve said, I don’t want to, and this is good enough…

“Fah… even you can smile like that, huh?”

“Well…I think chocolate milk and a tuna sandwich might make someone else smile too.”

Even though I’ve never seen their face and don’t even know their name.

   But…it’s cute.

   Whoever it might be.

…

Typhoon

   “Ter, come look at your friend.”

“Come on, give him some time.”

“Foam, Ter,” I turned to look at them while pursing my lips tightly, still holding the bag of gifts I had just received. I placed it on the table and sat staring at the beautiful handwriting, which had been there for a while now.

“I’ve given you an hour to get over your embarrassment, Phoon,” Foam said with a sigh, “Your cheeks are about to burst,” and he pinched my cheeks hard. I frowned because it hurt.

“I feel like…my face is getting bigger.”

“What do you mean by bigger face?” Ter raised an eyebrow.    “I don’t know, like it’s swollen, everything’s swollen, my face is swollen, my heart is swollen, my body is swollen too.”

“It’s called ‘flushed face,’ not ‘big face.’”

“No, it’s swollen.”

“Okay, whatever you say,” Ter laughed. Ever since North brought the gifts from Phii Fah, I’ve been sitting here embarrassed for nearly an hour, my heart still beating fast.

“It’s worth it,” I smiled broadly, “It’s been two worth-it months.”

“Right, it must be the best sandwich ever.”

“Yeah,” I turned to look at Ter, nodding in agreement while still smiling, “It must be the best sandwich in the world.”

“Congrats, man,” Foam said, “It’s like when we supported our friend who liked a senior in high school, you’ve moved up a level, haven’t you?”

“Well…if you want to call it that.”    Moved up a level, huh…

   “But I never expected anything, just staying in the background, watching and caring. Knowing that Phii Fah eats everything I buy, I’m happy. I never thought…”

“He must be interested in you,” Foam said again. I looked at him, “He must be interested a bit, sending gifts for two months, he must soften up a bit.”    “Then that’s good.”    Really good…

   “If Phii Fah is interested because I keep sending letters, that’s amazing, because the one who can take care of Phii Fah is the person in the letters. The real Typhoon can’t even talk to him yet.”    I smiled broadly. I didn’t care if anyone thought I was crazy, but it truly made me happy. I couldn’t even describe how good I felt right now.

   My feelings have reached you…

   And you have accepted them…

   When I was with Phii Fah, I never dared to show how much I loved him. I guess it was the right decision to follow North’s advice, to show him that I love him and am ready to take care of him.

I wouldn’t have had the chance if it weren’t for the letter.

   “Phoon, can I ask you something?”

“Huh?”

“Suppose…you didn’t have the issue with your dad, would you approach Phii Fah?” Ter’s question made me raise my eyebrows in surprise before I nodded in response.

“Hmm, I think I could express my care for Phii Fah better than this,”

I answered, “Not just through letters. Not just watching from afar, but I would take care of him wholeheartedly. In North’s words, I’d go for it straight on.”

“Good, because Phii Fah likes you for your attention.”

“Really…is that so?”

“Yeah. Never seen their face, don’t know them, but still interested because you keep buying things for them, that’s called liking someone because of your attention, right? So, it means even if you didn’t have the letter, if you continue to show this kind of attention to Phii Fah, he would still like you.”

“…would you still like me anyway?”

“Ter, stop now, Phoon’s about to explode.”

“Phoon, calm down.”

“Ter, I feel like my heart just got shocked,” I reached out to grab

Ter’s hand as he offered it, my heart was beating so hard right now,

“Phii Fah likes me?”

“Your hands are sweaty, man,” Ter teased me, “Yeah, it’s Tonfah, the evidence is right here.”

“At first, I thought he was just buying back from everyone.”

“Hardworking as hell,” Ter sighed a little, “No, from what I know of Phii Fah, no one has ever made him as interested as you have, he’s interested in you.”    “Not taking sides?”

“Taking sides a bit.”

“Ter, seriously?”

“Yeah, you’re my friend, I’m taking your side, aren’t I?” Ter’s words made me frown slightly before he burst out laughing, making me laugh along, “Like North, he’s great at praising his friends, who knows if he secretly did something for Phii Fah for you.”    “He’s super dedicated,” I said while still laughing.    “You look so bright today, Phoon,” Ter said, “Like there’s something floating around you.”

“Probably.”

I cry because of you.

   I smile because of you.

   My heart beats this hard because of you.

   Every letter is the true, ordinary me, every letter is really Typhoon, every word, every concern. I wrote them with feelings, feelings that I couldn’t express to Phii Fah directly. I never dared to cross the line of our sibling relationship before.

But now, I dare to step over it.

   I myself…hope that you will turn back to me as well.

   Yes…because I once promised that if one day I was strong enough, I would come back to you.

   And today…I am strong enough to stand by your side. Not the weak Phoon who only depended on you, but Typhoon who can be a refuge for you, Phii Fah.

   “We can love others when we love ourselves enough.”    North’s words from that day have been swirling in my mind for a long time. What North said was entirely right; how could I love someone else when I hated myself?    “What are you thinking about?”

“Where did you find North, Ter?”

“Kicked around with my foot, in the dirt, he just popped up, why?”    “Damn, I was going to say North has such positive energy, why don’t we clone him a bunch?” I said jokingly, “Oh, but we can’t, Phii

Jo would buy them all up.”

“Actually, I think having just North is enough, the country would collapse otherwise.”

“I want to be a positive energy for Phii Fah too. Even if I’m not as strong as North.”

“You don’t need to be strong. What did we tell you?”

“Just be yourself.”

“Right, don’t try to be like North.”

“I told you it would work. Don’t you trust me?” North’s voice sounded serious. Now, we were all in my room on a day off, “And did you eat the snacks Phii Fah gave you?”

“Done.”

“Oh, I thought you’d keep them.”

“I was hungry.”

“Damn.”

“I’m kidding, Phii Fah said to eat them all, so I did,” I said. It was just chocolate milk and a tuna sandwich, but they were really good, and I kept the note with Phii Fah’s handwriting.

“It’s good that the plan worked. We were so worried,” Daotok spoke up. Dao had been really worried recently, and when I told him Phii Fah had responded, Dao was overjoyed.

“It had to work. Who’s the Cupid here?”

“Got what he aimed for.”

“Why do I have to be both handsome and smart?”

“…”

“Damn, I need to take a shit.”

“That’s enough, I think.”

Ter quickly retorted, making the rest of us burst out laughing.

“What’s up with you, North, why are you so lively today?”

“Heh heh, it’s my day off, I finally got away from that shitty

Duennao for a bit.”

“Why Duennao?” I asked.

“He went to learn Chinese, and he’s been ni-hao-this-ni-hao-that all day, like Duennao is sucking his energy. He’s about to turn into a lion.”

“Fuck,” I said, still laughing, “Don’t blame Duennao.”    “Are you taking his side, huh? I’ve been sending you stuff all the time, and now he goes off to ni-hao with Duannao.”

“No, don’t send me to Ni-hao.”

“Hmph, don’t say ‘ni-hao’ where I can hear it again.”

“Let’s get back to the cat’s letter, shall we?” Finally, Daotok helped to bring the conversation back to the original topic. Did North drag me off-topic too? “What does everyone think?”    “Interested,” said Foam.

“Yeah, I’m starting to be interested too,” said Ter.

“I think so too, what about you, North?”

“I don’t know, maybe I should prepare the dowry,” North said casually, “Have you chosen your wedding outfit yet? I’ve already got my suit tailored for the wedding, ever since Phii Fah sent you that letter.”

“Wow, you’re in such a hurry, dude,” Ter said, shaking his head slightly at North.

“I’ve got a black suit, I’m hoping your wedding won’t deviate from my suit theme.”

“Do we have to do a wedding in the same theme as your suit?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, because I’m the one with the grand role, don’t make me look bad by choosing a different color theme.”

“Man, you’re thinking too far ahead.”

“Come on, you have to think ahead, fight a bit, you’ve been secretly in love with him for years, show your strength!”

I now believe North is crazy; why does distancing himself from Duennao make him this persistent…

“See, I told you not to give up. It’s just been two months of sending letters, I’ve been buying lottery tickets for ten years, only won twice, and I haven’t given up. Yesterday I won again, and got teased by Phii Jo, ha, don’t let North win the lottery, then Phii Jo won’t have anything to say!”

So, the reason for this feistiness is because he got teased by Phii Jo?    “Your couple is cute,” I said, noticing how adorable they were together, “You act like North too, why do you seem like a different person when you’re with us compared to when you’re with Phii Jo?”    “Should I act the same way with you guys as I do with him?”    “Can we get back to the letter issue?” Daotok reiterated, for heaven’s sake. I got sidetracked by North again, “Let’s continue.”

“Uh-huh, go ahead, ghost under the table.”

“…”

“Cat, hit North for me.” I grabbed a pillow from the bed and hit

North with it. North raised his hands to block and made a loud fuss,

“Ah, back to the point. We’ll share our thoughts on this.”

Daotok looked at me…I nodded slightly, probably Dao was asking for permission to speak.

“We think the plan of sending letters consistently over two months has worked, Phii Fah has started to notice the person in the letters, but we still don’t know if Phii Fah knows it’s you, the cat.”

“Actually, the likelihood of the doctors figuring it out is very high.”    “We guess Phii Fah might know, with over a forty percent chance from the initial plan. We’re sure about one thing, the cat’s father won’t know, there’s no way he could know, it’s just a letter after all, right? But what we’re unsure about is whether Phii Fah knows, given that it’s someone he knows, someone close to him.”

“But the point is…if Phii Fah has guessed that it’s the cat, why would he still send letters back? That means Phii Fah doesn’t care who it is.”    We four were like students listening to a teacher summarizing a lecture, North furrowed his brows with a serious look, seeming uncomfortable with the seriousness of the matter.

“Phii Fah is interested in the person sending the letters.”

“Maybe Phii Fah liked Phoon already,” Foam chimed in.    “No,” I said, shaking my head slightly at Foam, “I knew that.”    “Really?” Ter asked.

“Yeah, I can see it’s just a sibling relationship, Phii Fah doesn’t like me in a romantic way, I know that, and I’ve never thought to take sides with myself.” Even though saying it straight out like this would hurt a bit, it’s still the truth; if someone doesn’t like you, they just don’t.

“I feel sorry for you, Phoon,” Foam said with a worried look, “Or maybe…should you back off? Phii Fah doesn’t like you at all?”    “That’s all in the past,” North said, “Live in the present and for the future, Phoon.”

“Hmm.”

“Are you still crying over the past?”

“Not anymore.”

“Are you happy with how things are now?”

“I am, very much.”

“Are you happy sending things to Phii Fah?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s what matters. Whether Phii Fah likes you or not isn’t important. What’s important is that you love Phii Fah, and no one can replace him.”

“Phii Jo once told me that when he liked me but I had a girlfriend, he got drunk every day for years. It hurt a lot, I know, but now, in the end, I’m the one who can’t do without Phii Jo.”

“With all this love you have, let Phii Fah know it. Where could he go from you? How could he not love you when you love him this much? If not, he wouldn’t be human.”

“Maybe one day Phii Fah will start liking you, Phoon. Wait for him to make a move, I feel sorry for you.”

“Foam!” North called out loudly to Foam, startling him, “The water doesn’t flow to the cat!”

“Shouldn’t it be ‘the water doesn’t flow to the buffalo’?” Foam raised an eyebrow.

“Phoon is a cat, isn’t he? If Phii Fah doesn’t like Phoon, he won’t make a move just because you like him. You should be the one to make a move, right? Phoon has come this far, don’t ruin his efforts.”    “Uh…sorry, I should have known how much effort you’ve put in,” Foam looked at me with a frown. I shook my head slightly, indicating it was okay, “You’re right, North, the one who likes should make the move.”

“You’re almost too strong, Phoon, look at you. Would you give up just because Phii Fah doesn’t like you?”

“No way,” I smiled back at North, giving the widest smile I could,

“I’ll make him like me, just as I am, as Typhoon, the ordinary guy.”    “That’s the spirit. All my coaching hasn’t been in vain. If Phii Fah ever likes you back, I believe someone like Phii Fah will be clear about it. See, once he starts showing interest, he sends letters back.”

“Well, thank you, teacher.”

“Yeah, buy me some chocolate milk, you bastard, I want to eat it too.”

“Sure, I’ll get three packs.”

“Here, let him know that my friend is rich, does Phii Fah know that my friend is rich and ready to pay for chocolate milk for life, slap him with money, Phii Fah.”

We all burst out laughing because of North’s cheerful words and actions.

   No matter when, I always thank Khun North.

   I’m glad you guys are here.

   As for Phii Fah…you’ll see the great love of mine for sure!

   Take care of yourself!

  SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 14: Chocolate Milk

   “Will that work?”

“Why?”

“How can Phii Fah not know it’s Phoon?” North raised his eyebrows. We’ve been talking about my letter for about five minutes now, “he can probably recognize the handwriting, and how would you talk to him? People usually don’t write letters to strangers, it’s unlikely.”

“Hmm, what North said is right,” Dao agreed.

“But I want you to talk with him, if our condition is that Phii Fah can’t know it’s Phoon, hmm…” North fell silent for a moment, furrowing his brows as if deep in thought, “What about chatting?”    “That probably won’t work, Phii Fah doesn’t chat with people he doesn’t know, he might even block you, that’d look pretty creepy,” Ter said.

“Still, I want to write a letter,” I said, expressing my feelings, “I kind of like writing letters, and it feels nostalgic.”

“Then write a letter,” North concluded, “It’s up to you.”    “Okay,” I nodded.

“Then let’s think about the next step, how to get Phii Fah to write back to you,” Ter suggested, “Give it a high school vibe, like when you see a friend secretly sending letters or snacks to their crush.” “But I think it might work,” Dao said, “Even if Tonfah doesn’t reply to the letter, at least he’ll know someone likes him this much.”    “Yeah, I agree with that,” North nodded. It had turned into a topic where everyone was seriously exchanging ideas, “If you love someone, you have to let them know. If you secretly like Phii Fah, you should do something for him. Not just secretly like him for nothing.”

Secretly like him for nothing…

Okay…T^T

“I like that phrase, ‘secretly like him for nothing’,” Ter repeated the words and chuckled slightly.

“Well, it’s true, if you can’t do it, it’s fine, but if you can, then do it. Let him know how much you love him, that you’re ready to take care of him, to listen, to be there to support from a distance. He won’t know unless you send your feelings.”

“Ah…” I fell silent, pondering. Feelings only matter when they’re conveyed…North is right, if he doesn’t know…then our feelings won’t help him at all.

The feeling I want to send…when Fan started writing letters to me, the reason was like this as well.

“When you realized you liked Phii Jo, what did you do?” I asked.

“I showed it, I was straightforward, even gave him chocolates.”    “You gave chocolates before you were even dating?” Ter said. “It’s not a big deal, my heart was already with him, why should I deny it?”

“I really like you, man,” Ter said, laughing, “You’re truly the charge-forward type.”

“I couldn’t do what you did,” I said softly, about being the type to charge through everything like North. I just couldn’t do it.    “You don’t have to do it like me, just do it your way,” North raised his eyebrows and said, “Express it in your own way.”    “Yeah, that’s right,” I nodded in understanding.

“So, let’s do this…we start by sending the first letter,” Daotok was silent for a while, probably thinking during our conversation, “Along with something small, like a bottle of water. You don’t have to write much.”

We all fell silent to listen to Dao speak.

“It won’t seem like you’re coming on too strong, at first, don’t send letters too often. Gauge Tonfah’s reaction first. If he seems okay with it, then we can send letters more frequently, but if he doesn’t seem okay, we might need to back off.”    “Back off?” Ter asked.

“Yeah, it means he’s not interested. Being too persistent might make you seem like a stalker.”

“Oh, right, right,” Ter nodded rapidly, “I remember, Phii Hill told us that Phii Fah once had a stalker. At first, they sent normal gifts, which Phii Fah accepted kindly, but then it got too intense, it was really scary.”

“And what happened?” I asked, frowning with concern.

“Phii Jo handled it,” North said, “Phii Jo told me about it too.”    “Yeah, it wasn’t hard to track him down, Phii Hill said, and at that time, Phii Jo was really angry too,” Ter continued, making me feel even more uncomfortable.

“So, will Phii Jo come after me?”

“…cat.”

“…Phoon.”

“What…what?”

“You shouldn’t ask such things,” North sighed slightly, “If they knew it was you, Phii Jo wouldn’t do anything, but how would Phii Jo know it’s you?”

“Then we need to be careful not to get caught,” Ter said.    “We’ll just send it normally, like you’re just a junior who secretly likes Phii Fah, there’s nothing strange about that. How many people do you think send things or snacks to Phii Fah each day?”    “…That’s true,” I agreed with what North said. Phii Fah probably gets a lot of stuff every day, so would he even read my letter…    “It’s fine, our advantage is consistency,” North said, “Keep sending them, he’ll soften up eventually. We have another four years before

Phii Fah graduates from university.”

“Four years?”

“Are you discouraged, Phoon? How long have you loved Phii Fah?”

“Since I knew what love is.”

“So, all your life so far.”

“Yes, all my life so far.”

“Then can you love him for another four years?”

“I can love him for the rest of my life from now on.”

I said this and couldn’t help but smile, which made the other three smile along with me.

   I started writing the first letter. Technically, it wasn’t the start of the semester yet, but the third-year medical students had already begun classes. They said it was make-up for classes they hadn’t even taken yet. Today, the senior med students were in class, so North and Ter could come over to my room. Otherwise, it would be hard to go out.    Daotok taught me how to write in a different handwriting style, which was pretty tough but I was starting to get the hang of it. North said we’d probably have to entrust it to someone they don’t know or sneak it into the classroom where Phii Fah would be studying. The first rule was that no one should see us, and the second was to make sure Phii Fah would receive it.

   “They have a lab session this afternoon,” Ter said while looking at

Phii Hill’s class schedule on his phone, “Should we sneak it in?”    “Isn’t that a bit risky?” Dao asked with a concerned look.    “It’s eleven o’clock now, probably in another building, but the real issue is whether there’ll be anyone in the lab.”

“It’s so complicated if we’re going to do it this way. We don’t have to go through all this trouble, do we?” North asked.

“Start with this for now, if it progresses later, we can arrange to leave something somewhere,” Dao said, “Just make sure one of Phii

Fah’s friends sees it, maybe they’ll give it to him.”

“And, Phoon, have you finished writing?”

“Hmm, can I just put a smiley face?”

“Oh, Phoon, what was the point of having Dao teach you to write then?” North held his forehead, “Write something.”

“Eat well?”

“That’s too ordinary.”

“North, what do you want, something more dramatic?” I turned to ask. I had already written a lot, unsure of what to write, having thrown away plenty of paper into the trash, “Study hard?”

“It’s too ordinary, Phoon. We need to be different to stand out, not like everyone else who sends things to Phii Fah. Something like…when you read it, you go, ‘Damn, that’s good, it sticks in your mind, man.’” North folded his arms, his expression serious.

“Phii Fah…I freaking like you so much.”    I said it jokingly.

“…Damn, that works.”

“Oh shit, that one’s really good,” Ter said, laughing loudly, “It’s memorable, really stands out.”

“Hey, I was joking. You guys…” I sighed deeply. Why did I have to say I liked him in such a hardcore way?

“I agree too.”

“…Dao.”

“It’s funny, Phii Fah will definitely laugh.”    Really?

“Go for it, Phoon, trust me, I think it’ll work. I’m like Cupid, every ship I board sinks.”

I looked at the speaker, what did that mean? And in the end, after being heavily persuaded by everyone, especially since I’m easily influenced:

“Okay, I’ve written it.”

“Here…”

“Like this…”

Phii Fah…I fucking love you so much.

   “Is your love this intense?” North said with a big laugh, “But calling him ‘Phii, he knows you’re his junior.”    “Yeah, won’t it be too obvious?” I said.

“Nah, the way you talk isn’t like you at all,” Ter said, “If it were me,

I wouldn’t think it’s you.”

“Alright then.”

“Alright then.”    Really?

While all my friends seemed confident, I felt my heart sink into the pit of my stomach, especially with North who seemed more confident than the others.

We came to the medical faculty where not many people were downstairs, probably because most were in class. The place looked secretive, hidden, a group of four guys that didn’t seem trustworthy at all.

“Did you buy snacks?”

“Yeah, one pack. I don’t know if Phii Fah will like it, but I want to give it to him,” I said. It was a brown paper bag, with “To…Phii Tonfah” written on the front. Inside were snacks, a drink, and a piece of paper.

“Won’t it look like you’re trying too hard? Dao himself said to be careful, and this word is pretty strong,” I whispered, worried, looking at the paper bag in my hand with uncertainty.

“What are you afraid of, Phoon? Make an impression, I told you not to be ordinary like others, believe me, he’ll be interested in you.”

“Interested in a negative way?”

“Not negatively, Phii Fah will like it, trust me.”

I didn’t want to trust North’s words, “Trust me.”

“Hey, hey, hey, you, you…That’s Phii Arthit, right?” Ter nudged, looking up to see Phii Arthit walking down to the bathroom.    “Put it in front of the bathroom, then Phii Arthit will take it to Phii

Fah,” North suggested, “Come on, I’ll put it there myself.” North snatched the paper bag from my hand, took it into the bathroom, and then quickly ran back. We waited eagerly to see the result, hoping Phii Arthit would come out with the paper bag.

He really came out with it…

   I hope Phii Arthit doesn’t open the bag to look.

   Oh…he opened it anyway.

   North tried to hold back his laughter when he saw Phii Arthit take out that piece of paper, and then he burst out laughing, put the paper back in the bag, and took out some snacks.

   Don’t mess with my stuff…

   “Wait, he’s eating it right away,” North said, “Phii Arthit is eating my snacks, why would he do that? I bought them for Phii Fah!” “I think we gave it to the wrong person.”

“Yeah, that’s it.”

“It’s like…”

“It’s okay. It’s just snacks, the paper should reach him.”

“How sure can we be about that?”

“Why did it have to be Phii Arthit who went to the bathroom?” I said with a big sigh. Even though it wasn’t anything expensive, I intended to give it to Phii Fah. Well, let’s just say we treated Phii Arthit to some snacks; maybe he skipped breakfast and was hungry.    “Phii Arthit…” Daotok called out the name of the snack thief. We turned to look at the person sitting next to us. I was drinking fresh milk. We were now at the coffee shop behind the university.

“What is it?”

“Oh, nothing. Just thinking that…”

“That?”

“Nothing.”

I raised my eyebrows slightly in surprise before we paid no more attention to it. Daotok is always like this, like someone with a lot on his mind but doesn’t speak out. We’ve tried to ask before. I think it’s just his nature not to talk much.    The opposite of North, who talks a lot…

“Your love is turning into shit now, Phoon.”

“Fuck, that’s a harsh thing to say, North,” I raised my hand to my forehead at the words of the guy sitting across from me, “It’s just snacks, snacks! He eats snacks, not my love.”

“Let’s pray that the paper reaches Phii Fah,” North changed the subject, “and pray that the message on that paper works too.”    “Why do we need to pray if you’re so confident?” I asked, furrowing my brows.

“Seriously, Phoon?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not confident at all. I was just messing with you.”

“Fuck you, North!!”

“Phoon.”

“Huh?”

“Someone asked me to give you this.” Arthit sat down next to me, placing the brown paper bag on the table. I didn’t look up because I was too focused on my writing.

“What’s this?”

“An empty bag.”

“An empty bag?”

“Kidding, there’s snacks in it too.”

“But you ate them already?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” I shrugged slightly, not paying much attention; Arthit is always like this. I’m used to it, and besides, I don’t even like snacks.

“Why don’t you look inside?”

“You said there were only snacks.”

“There’s something else too.”

I reached for the paper bag, opened it, and found a small bottle of water and a piece of paper inside.

“Why is it?” I turned to ask; there wasn’t anything particularly strange about it.

“Read it first, you’re just asking questions all the time.”    “Arthit, you sound like you don’t want to submit any work this term,” Johan, who was sitting across from me, spoke up while still bent over his work.

I reached for the piece of paper, and when I read the sentence written on it, I was quite surprised.

   Phii Fah…I freaking like you so much.

   “Why are you smiling, Fah?”

“No reason.”

“…”

“It’s cute.”

Time passed, about one week, until the second year started after giving that piece of paper to Phii Fah. Nothing more came of it, and when North told me it was just a prank, my confidence took a big hit.

“Hey, I said it was a prank, but it might work, you know, ouch!”

“You pranked me, huh?”

“Ter, help me, Dao, why is your cat so aggressive?”

“Serves you right, North, it’s good that you get some too. It won’t hurt, it’s just a pillow.”

I got back at North by hitting him in the face with the pillow from the sofa in the shop.

   Sigh…it’s not that bad, Phoon, it might be a good start like North said, if it wasn’t for the fact that the snacks were eaten too.    Now it’s past eight in the evening. I’ve finished studying. Even though I’m not sure if I should take the doctor’s exam again, it’s better to study just in case I decide to do so. If I do, I’ll have to stay away from these guys, which I’m not too keen on.

   The group chat notification sounded; it’s the group with the four of us, named “Taking the Cat for Vaccinations.” North changed the group name after I hit him with the pillow that day.

   SS: The new term is starting.

   It was Daotok who texted, the “SS” being short for Shooting Star, which means Daotok.

-dust-: That’s right, Dao, are you excited? lol    ss: No, it’s the cat that should be excited.

   -dust-: Why?    ss: @Northe

   North♣‘: What the fuck

   North♣‘: Going to sleep    Easter: Wrong group?

   North♣‘: Oh, sorry, lol

   North♣‘: About the letter for Phii Fah.

   North♣‘: Have you started writing? Tomorrow is the start of the term, we’re going to give it to him.    -dust-: Okay, are you sure this time?

   North♣‘: Yeah. No more pranks, lol

   North♣‘: Just write normally, you can add some snacks or something.    -dust-: Okay

   -dust-: sends sticker

   I went back to sit at the table and started thinking about the letter again. At first, when I said I wasn’t confident, I thought it was better not to write it, but after the chat just now, I guess I have to move forward because there’s no other way, and everyone is trying to help this much.

The notification sound rang again. This time, it was Daotok messaging separately.

SS: The cat

   :. I’ve thought about telling you many times.

   ss: But I didn’t dare.

   -dust-: What is it?    ss: It’s just that…    ss: What you wrote said you like him.

   -dust-: Oh, why’s that?    -dust-: Is it not okay, TT?    ss: No, no. Just writing it like that, it’s obvious that it’s from a second-year student.

   : Because at that time, the first years weren’t there yet.    ss: But the cat once said Tonfah tutors a junior, right?

   ss: It probably won’t be too obvious then.

   Oh…it’s messed up now.

   -dust-: It’s probably really obvious, indeed.

   If you use “I” and “you” like that, it definitely means you’re a second-year student. The chance of it being a first-year is slim because they wouldn’t know much yet, and they wouldn’t know that the doctor has classes before the term starts.

Why didn’t I think of this before, Phoon?

-dust-: What should we do…    ss: If Tonfah hasn’t received the letter yet, then it should be fine.    ss: But if he has received it, we’ll have to say it was written by mistake. Or just say it was a prank.    ss: Just a suggestion, but the cat can do whatever.

   -dust-: Okay, thanks for letting me know.    -dust: Guess I’ll have to say it was a prank.

   ss: No problem.    ss: Hope tomorrow is a good day for the cat!

   -dust: Hope it’s a good day for Dao too.

   “Why does it have to be chocolate milk?”

“Because I like it,” I replied. Today, I invited North out early to send the letter. Now, we’re at 7-Eleven to buy snacks for Phii Fah, right near the engineering faculty.    “Just one box of milk?”

“A whole pack would be fine.”

“Are you trying to be Typhoon, the big spender?”

“Uh-huh.”

“One box of milk, some bread should be enough, I guess.”

“Right.”

“And what about the letter?”

“I don’t know,” I said, slightly annoyed, “I haven’t written it yet. I don’t know what to write.”

“We’ve already made a grand entrance. We need to keep up the extravagant theme.”

“Enough already, why do we have to go big every day?” I said as North and I walked out of the store after buying everything. I put the items into the bag I had prepared. I bought one box of chocolate milk and a tuna sandwich, choosing only things I liked.

“Do you have a bag too?”

“Giving a 7-Eleven bag might make it look too simple.”

“Hurry up and write it, I have class soon.”

“Yeah, I know.” I sat down on a bench, taking out a pen and paper to start writing, “How should I do this? Do you have any ideas?”    “Hmm…” North went quiet, thinking, “Phii Fah. I fucking love you so much.”

“You’re crazy, are you going to write the same thing again?”    “I don’t know, Phoon, I’m not delicate enough to understand, I guess.”    “Probably so.”

I fell silent, pondered for a while, then decided to start writing on the paper:    To…Tonfah,

   I guess you might not have had breakfast yet; this sandwich is pretty good. I can confirm because I eat it often, and the chocolate milk is tasty too, plus milk is good for health. Please drink it.

   I hope you won’t be sleepy after studying today.

   …

“Why do I have to study and not feel sleepy?”

“Normally, doctors look sleepy during lectures.”

“And why does it have to be me and you?”

“Dao said using ‘I’ and ‘you’ makes it obvious that it’s from a secondyear,” I explained. North’s eyes widened in surprise, guessing he hadn’t thought of it either, just like me. Then we parted ways. I don’t know who North entrusted it to, but he said he trusted them. So did I.

…

Until the evening when classes ended, I immediately called North.

“How did it go?”

(Well…he accepted it.)

   “Just that?”

(Yeah, he accepted it, and there was nothing else.)

   “Okay…”

(Don’t get discouraged, I told you we need to be consistent.

Everyone falls for consistency.)

   “I know. That’s all for now.”

(K.)

   :

We might have overlooked one important point: how many people are consistently with Phii Fah…Ah, well. It’s fine. No one has loved Phii Fah as long as I have, at least I’m confident about that.

I continued sending snacks and letters, but not every day, because North said that Cupid isn’t always free. I don’t know who North entrusts it to, but it must be quite a bother for them, and Dao suggested not to send it every day. So, I’ve been sending it every two to three days.

A month has passed…

Hmm…

“It’s been a month,” Ter said with a worried frown. Now we’ve gathered again to discuss our problems. This time even Foam joined,

“Has there been any progress?”

“Hmph,” North shook his head, “My Cupid said Phii Fah accepted it with a smile. That’s it.”

“Received with good intentions,” Foam said with a sigh, “Phii Fah’s friend, your boyfriends don’t mention you at all?”

“None/nothing,” North and Ter shook their heads in unison.

“Cat, how are you doing with the letter?”

“Just the usual, wishing for a good day, eat well,” I said, my shoulders slumping. I knew it was too ordinary, but what could I do? This is me. If you ask what I want to do for someone I love, this is the answer.

“Isn’t it too ordinary?” said Foam.

“I’m just an ordinary guy, I can’t do anything more special.”    “It’s alright,” North spoke up, “This kind of ordinariness is what lasts the longest,” he said, revealing a smile.

I smiled broadly; Phii Jo fell for your smile, North, he wasn’t kidding.

“Let’s move forward.”

“Keep doing it like this, huh?” I raised an eyebrow, asking.

“Yeah, keep being this ordinary. Just be yourself, Typhoon.”

“Uh, thanks, North.”

   On some days, I noticed that Phii Fah looked tired. I would send more snacks than usual, some coffee, and write lots of encouragement. The thought of missing someone only means something if it reaches them, right? Here, at least, it has reached him.    At least, Phii Fah ate the snacks I bought, read my little letters. It might not mean much to Phii Fah, but my encouragement has been delivered.

   “Being like this might not be so bad.”

“You seem okay,” North raised an eyebrow, taking the snack bag from my hand, “Are you okay with just loving from afar?”

“It’s not bad. Even if I want to talk, if this is all I can get, then so be it,” I shrugged lightly and gave him a smile. North himself let out a small smile.

“You don’t look sad, I think that’s good.”

“Yeah, at least it has reached him.”

“That’s good, as long as you’re at peace with it.”

“Huh.”

I watched North walk away from the shop area. If you really count the time, it’s been two months since I’ve been doing this. It’s become a habit for me to wake up early to buy things, wait for North, and then give him the stuff.

Daotok started worrying that his plan might not work, but I told him it’s fine, there’s nothing better than Dao’s plan; this is the best way to go.    (Typhoon.)

   “What’s with you, giving me goosebumps.”

(Typhoon, are you free?)

   “What’s wrong with you, North?”

(Just kidding, it feels weird to speak politely.)

   “Damn, what’s up?”

(Come here.)

   “Why?”

(Come down here, I’m under the faculty.)

   “Come on, I’m in class.”

(Sneak down for a bit, I need to get back to my faculty, or Phii

Jo will find out.)

   “Alright.”

I asked the professor to go to the bathroom and went down to meet North under the faculty. Even though I didn’t know why he came, I went to meet him.

“What’s up?” I asked North, who was waiting there.

“Here.” The other handed me a bag.

“What’s this?”

“Open it and see.”

I took the bag and opened it to look inside.

It was one box of chocolate milk and a tuna sandwich, with a small piece of paper in the bag that read…

The chocolate milk and sandwich are really delicious, really.

   Please eat it all: )

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