SMNTCERR, Chapter 95: #13. 

“I don’t want to be your sex partner anymore. People who alleviate your loneliness are abandoned… It hurts me. It’s probably impossible for me. I want to go on a date with you, have a meal at a beautiful place with you, go on trips with you, walk with you, sleep with you, be your life partner, be your other half.

How can two men be in a relationship? Well, see for yourself.”

Jaeyoung continued his long speech without taking a breath before abruptly stopping. The other party grabbed a phone from his pants pocket. Then, he opened a particular file and handed it to Sangwoo. It seemed to be an infographic that looked like the guy had made the graphics and charts himself. But after glancing through it briefly, Sangwoo looked at Jaeyoung with a blank expression.

“World population… ‘Blah blah.’ In nature itself… ‘Blah blah.’ Giving importance to freedom… raising awareness of human rights… ‘Blah blah.’

Making people accept it through laws…”

Strange. He was sure that Jaeyoung was presenting data and talking about something logical, but Sangwoo’s ears didn’t hear it. Among the things the other party had previously mentioned, only the words ‘life partner’, ‘couple’, and ‘other half’ repeated over and over in his mind.

“Hey.”

After a light tap on his forehead, Sangwoo returned to reality.

“Are you thinking about something else? I’m talking seriously here.”

“No, it’s not like that. I was just a bit surprised…”

Jaeyoung pressed his finger against Sangwoo’s lips and whispered, “Shh.” His eyes looked more serious than ever before, blinking repeatedly.

“I have a proposal.”

Even though he hadn’t had a chance to listen, Sangwoo’s heart started racing. Jaeyoung stared at Sangwoo and took a deep breath. Sangwoo held his breath unknowingly, waiting for the person in front to speak.

“Chu Sangwoo, date me.”

That was an offer that had enough value to wait and see if it was true as soon as he heard it. Sangwoo smiled widely. Although Jaeyoung hadn’t heard the answer yet, that image made his heart tremble with warmth and happiness.

Sangwoo smiled until his lips almost tore, speaking softly.

“I thought we were already dating.”

“Let’s restart and date officially.”

The breath came out rapidly, as if running a long distance, leaving no room for any other words.

“Agreed.”

Jaeyoung raised his face, took a long breath, then snorted and turned away, looking foolish and excited at the same time.

“I’m so excited I thought I was going to die.”

Jaeyoung rubbed his nose roughly before raising his hand and placing his forehead on Sangwoo’s shoulder. The other party took a deep breath in surprise. Then, he held Sangwoo’s hand and placed it on his left chest. Sangwoo could feel the fast and strong heartbeat through the thin T-shirt.

Jang Jaeyoung was a person who was indirect and playful. At the same time, he liked to compare and had a philosophical nature. Sangwoo realized that Jang Jaeyoung mustered the courage to adapt to someone sincere and serious. At the same time, he was straightforward and had a righteous nature like him.

Sangwoo hugged Jaeyoung tightly without saying anything, using his hand to stroke the other’s back repeatedly, sinking into the warm and gentle darkness.

“And…”

Jaeyoung gave Sangwoo a big smile and then raised an eyebrow.

“I have something else to say.”

His opponent’s fingers twitched, and his eyes blinked slowly. Jaeyoung opened his mouth slightly, but then closed it in an instant. The opponent squirmed like a worm once again, appearing to find it difficult to match someone as skilled as himself.

Sangwoo waited patiently, but Jaeyoung kept looking at him for a long time, not getting bored. Sangwoo thought it was fine. At that moment, the other side slowly closed his eyes and hugged him tightly. Jaeyoung rested his chin on Sangwoo’s shoulder, whispering into his ear with a warm breath.

“I love you.”

Jaeyoung murmured softly, barely audible. Sangwoo stopped breathing, his ears tingling, as the sound of crashing waves began to fade into the distance, more and more distant. Only the quick pace of his heart beating, resonating throughout his body, repeated over and over again.

“From the bottom of my heart.”

Jaeyoung whispered once again, with a clearer voice than before. At that moment, Sangwoo finally exhaled, 100% believing the other’s words, with a margin of error of 0%.

“It takes a lot of courage, doesn’t it?”

“Hmm.”

“

Come here, let me hug you.”

Jaeyoung allowed him to embrace quietly, and Sangwoo held the other tightly against his back, clasping his face gently to his neck. Then he whispered softly.

“I never thought it would be like this when we left the house today.”

“How do you feel?”

“My heart was shaken as if it would die. But even though I feel like dying, I still don’t want to die right now… Ah, what did I say just now? I was out of my mind.”

Laughter burst into his ear, inviting relief. Sangwoo chuckled happily as well.

Although it was a situation beyond imaginable boundaries, after meeting Jaeyoung, such things could happen without difficulty.

“Hyung Jaeyoung.”

“Oh.”

“This is my second time having a lover.”

“And?”

“After failing for the first time, I thought I wasn’t very lucky in this area. But if

I learn, I can do well in anything. I’m still new at this, so please teach me.”

“What do you want to learn?”

“How do I love you?”

“If we study this here, it will definitely cause a big issue.”

Sangwoo looked at the overwhelming excitement that filled his heart with unfamiliar eyesight, the sweet atmosphere that resembled a sense of pride in achieving this goal, connecting with someone special, and that point was clearly different from other emotions. He speculated that he might often come across this feeling.

Sangwoo loosened his hug and looked at Jaeyoung’s face, which still looked the same as before, but he felt that everything had changed. Even though the other person didn’t do anything to their face, the corners of Sangwoo’s lips curved into a wide smile. Jaeyoung also had the same expression on his face.

“If you want to date me, pay attention to these three things.”

“It’s already decided that I have to deal with this.”

“From now on, don’t smile at anyone else. Don’t hug anyone else. And don’t touch anyone’s head. The right to look, the right to touch, those belong to me alone.”

“That’s already clear.”

Jaeyoung wrinkled his nose and chuckled like a young boy.

“No matter how angry you are, don’t cut off contact like last time.”

“Hmm, promise.”

The other party reached out a small finger. Sangwoo interlocked their fingers and continued speaking.

“I don’t like being manipulated. Even if I act arrogant, don’t push me around, but please explain it to me slowly.”

“Put the leash on. Now I am yours.”

Jaeyoung put on the leash that couldn’t be seen on his neck and handed it to Sangwoo. Sangwoo held hands and intertwined fingers, looking straight into Jaeyoung’s eyes.

“And… continue studying abroad as planned. Now I have the power to control you. I can endure it.”

Jaeyoung, who used to listen obediently until now, suddenly resisted. Sangwoo desperately desired to be in a relationship with Jaeyoung and have someone by his side, but what was more important was that he hoped the other party would not abandon his dreams. Sangwoo wanted to be a useful partner in all aspects, both as a supporter and a good dealer like Jang Jaeyoung, and wanted to be a developer who helped make Jang Jaeyoung’s designer world

“

come true. He didn’t want to be an obstacle that blocked the other party, even a little bit.

However, Jaeyoung moved closer with a defiant face and whispered in his ear.

“I don’t want to.”

Sangwoo pushed the person in front of him and looked straight into their eyes.

“Don’t act like a little kid.”

“Who said we should call each other little kids.”

“You are changing your life plans because of emotions, you know. I have to set up a stand.”

Jaeyoung laughed, his body laughed silently for a moment before he opened his mouth.

“Do you remember my portfolio?”

“Yes.”

Speaking for myself is quite difficult, but me… I’m not inferior to anyone no matter where I go.”

“I know, but…”

“Right now, even here, there are even vacancies, the company I want to work for, the clients I want to hire, I can choose freely, and in reality, there is also a studio that is interested.”

“And what about it?”

“I am your lover, isn’t it? Just not studying abroad for a while, doesn’t mean

I’ll be completely useless, right?”

Lover. While he was attentively listening, those words made Sangwoo’s mouth hang open in surprise. Jaeyoung crossed his arms and sighed.

“To take care of my lover who is still a student, I must focus on my work and make money.”

It seemed that no matter what he said, the other party probably wouldn’t listen. Sangwoo represented both of them, X and Y trying to think of solutions to various problems, and then stopped thinking. He felt downhearted for a while.

“Hyung Jaeyoung, I have three requests.”

“Feels like I’ve turned into a giant genie.”

Jaeyoung reached out and intertwined his fingers with Sangwoo’s, playing with his thumb.

“First, in this situation, let’s postpone the release date. We have plenty of time. We need to add an unlimited mode, ladder ranking, and special quests.

We should start working on the graphics next week, right?”

“…Is my boyfriend a workaholic or what?”

Sangwoo accepted that remark and moved on to the second request.

“Also, if there’s a DVD of this semester’s drama club performance. I’d like to have it.”

“Of course, you should. I had to participate in the performance, you know.

Why didn’t you come and watch?”

“Don’t even ask. It’s a painful memory.”

“Just the recorded file should be enough?”

“If possible, please give me a Blu-ray.”

Sangwoo, who successfully reached the second request, moved on to the final question.

 

 

Lastly, could you give me some English tutoring?”

“No problem, but why do you need it if you’re studying here?”

“There’s something I need to learn. I’ll tell you later.”

“Curious, aren’t you?”

Jaeyoung smiled and lightly tapped Sangwoo on the cheek without saying anything. He thought it wasn’t time to tell yet. After reevaluating his life plan once again and gaining newfound courage, Sangwoo will return to a place where he no longer feared tomorrow. He sat by the beach with his new love, just the two of them, and the man was massaging Sangwoo’s hand, as if he wanted to touch every line on his palm.

“Just this? Is there nothing else you want?”

“There’s nothing else.”

“That’s normal, I’m ready to give everything.”

“Anything?”

“Anything.”

“Then can you give me a hug?”

“Oh, that’s not possible.”

“…Why?”

“Because it already belongs to you.”

Sangwoo looked at Jaeyoung, who was blushing with admiration. He wondered how the other person could naturally say something like that, it seemed like he had to learn a lot to keep up. Sangwoo was determined that tomorrow he would have to buy a few reference books on dating and understanding emotions.

“Finished talking, then?”

“Yes.”

“Then let’s go and kiss each other.”

Jaeyoung stood up comfortably on his two lazy feet. Then he bent down and reached out to Sangwoo. As he held the big hand, his body was pulled into the embrace of Jaeyoung’s chest. Jaeyoung hugged Sangwoo tightly, his arms encircling his waist.

“Why don’t you answer for yourself?”

“…”

“Don’t you want to kiss me?”

“Not just a kiss.”

I mean exactly that.”

“I have to buy a lot of necessary items, a gallon of lube and such. I haven’t had any some-some in a long time.”

“Is this your warning that I won’t be able to sleep tonight?”

“Usually the first night is like that, right?”

The soft laughter sounded delightful. Sangwoo looked up and met  Jaeyoung’s gaze. Then he saw the familiar ripples that flooded deeper than the waves in the sea in those warm-colored eyes. The moment the corners of his mouth curled into a smile, floating along with the heartbeat in his chest.

Jaeyoung swallowed quietly.

Both large and warm hands embraced the neck. Then in the intimate darkness of the night, the soft touch of the sandy beach, the gentle breeze of the hot season, the sound of the crashing waves, and the loud roar of passing ships all drifted far away.

Only one person remained, and that was the most excellent time in

Sangwoo’s life. return 1; [1]  ~, Clearing rewards, ~. 

[Chu Sangwoo] received a nickname [Boyfriend]! 

▷ Learned skill: [Care for him, Level 1.] 

[Jang Jaeyoung] received a nickname, [Boyfriend]! 

▷ Learned skill: [Exercise patience, Level 5.] Move on to the next level…. 

. 

________________________________________. 

[1] return 1; The writer used return 0; before this between a scene because it correctly signifies a complete and error-free program. But if the returned value is not 0, but any other value, it means there is an error, which in this case, signifies Jaeyoung has turned into Sangwoo’s error himself. 

________________________________________. 

The END 

 

 SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

SMNTCERR, Chapter 94: #12. 

Suddenly, the sadness that had seized Sangwoo seemed to ease at the corner of his eyes, and a tear flowed down his cheek. Soon, it entered his mouth, causing Jaeyoung’s body to stiffen. Sangwoo didn’t want to see the other person’s face, so he grabbed his own T-shirt and pulled it up, but Jaeyoung pushed Sangwoo’s chest away with a tense face.

His trembling finger hesitated, afraid to touch his delicate eyelids. Jaeyoung cautiously used the back of his thumb to wipe the corners of Sangwoo’s eyes, but his deliberate action resulted in the opposite effect.

Damn it… I guess you are crying again.”

“I’m not crying.”

Sangwoo stepped down from the other person’s curve and quickly wiped his face with his shirt sleeve, but the tears that had burst out once did not easily stop.

“No, today is not a sad day.”

“I said I didn’t cry a little bit.”

Every word that the other party spoke, instead of calming him down, made his sadness flow even more. Silent cries turned into soft sobs.

“What should I do to make you stop crying? Can I cry with you?”

Jaeyoung gently pats Sangwoo’s cheek with one hand, tapping the screen of his phone a few times with a face that didn’t seem right before yelling at the opposite party, who he didn’t know was who. “You guys bastard, don’t you know how to work?”

“I really want to go crazy.”

While the other party spoke to himself and hugged his body, the accumulated sadness burst out. While Sangwoo cried, Jaeyoung didn’t say a word. His hand, which still held the warm cheek, felt like it was being electrocuted. At the same time, he embraced Sangwoo. While the right shoulder of Jaeyoung became wet every time, it moved closer. Sangwoo cried loudly without embarrassment.

The arm that used to hold Sangwoo tightly seemed to gently suffocate his shoulders when it first lay down, without realizing it. The wet right hand still touched Sangwoo’s cheek, using the fingertips and the base of the thumb to gently stroke the eyelids, eyebrows, and bridge of the nose.

“It’s so hot.”

The other person’s fingers, palm, chest, arms, and every point where the skin touched, all felt hot. Tears welled up at the edge of his eyes and flowed through his cheeks. Sweat made the clothes stick to his arms. Blood circulated through his body. Everything felt boiling and evaporated when he released his body with the warmth that made his consciousness fade away and relaxed his eyelids. Everything felt better, everything that used to hold on began to drift away, like waves washing away the sand and then retreating.

“Is sadness that big?”

After a moment, Jaeyoung asked, and the other party’s soft finger slipped into the tailbone and gently touched the damp hair, giving a pleasant feeling like a summer breeze. Sangwoo leaned his weight on Jaeyoung’s shoulder and answered back softly.

“It’s okay now.”

“Are you sane now?”

“That thing has been missing for a long time. If I were conscious, I wouldn’t have liked someone like you from the beginning.”

“There is a reason for what I said. Maybe I can’t be conscious again.”

Jaeyoung released his tight embrace. Then he lifted Sangwoo’s chin, using his thumb to wipe the moisture on the corner of his cheek before meeting each other’s gaze.

“It looks like finally we’re ready to talk.”

The faint, hazy voice whispered softly. Although he didn’t know what the other party would say, Sangwoo paused. Jaeyoung spoke while their faces were apart, close enough for the tips of their noses to touch.

“Have you figured out the answer to the homework given before?”

Is it about that again? Even though he had been contemplating it many times, Sangwoo wasn’t sure if he would answer correctly.

“It’s too difficult. I don’t know.”

“We’ve come this far and you still don’t know? I don’t know if you’re a genius or just a fool.”

“I’m a fool.”

Based on today, it’s most likely.”

Sangwoo took a deep breath, not thinking of denying it but feeling that he should explain the reason why he failed to complete his homework. He looked into Jaeyoung’s eyes, which partly opened his mouth.

“The fact that you’re going to leave isn’t the problem. I just need to be confident. I can endure it for a year or two. This feeling couldn’t happen to anyone else because until now, it has never happened before.” Sangwoo adjusted his breathing and continued speaking.

“But maybe you won’t be there anymore. You might become more popular, more attractive, change your phone number, have a girlfriend, and not want to see me anymore. Even if I say not to do that, it probably won’t be beneficial.”

After hearing everything, Jaeyoung just laughed as if he was having fun. The other party stared into Sangwoo’s eyes before kissing his forehead. That was Sangwoo’s favorite action. The second the soft lips separated from his forehead, he felt a tinge of regret. After that, Jaeyoung opened his mouth to speak.

“Have you ever heard that story about a person turning into a tree because they love trees too much?”

“I am just hearing it for the first time.”

“Well, I guess that’s how it is because I just got engaged a while ago.”

“What is it?”

“I wonder if you talked so much about backhoes until it turned into actual excavators.”

The direction of the conversation was becoming increasingly difficult to understand. Sangwoo looked a little confused as he waited to hear what the other person would say next.

“It’s time to stop doing useless things, isn’t it?”

Although their feelings for each other were passionately intense, it was still seen as something useless. He knew very well that Jaeyoung didn’t really mean anything, but he thought the other person had gone too far.

“It’s cute, but it’s also annoying at the same time.”

“What does that mean?”

“Look at it from a normal person’s perspective. The first kiss on the day you came to find me to play a game, the next day we talked and started dating, the first date was that weekend. We had sex and started living together, we spent time…”

Jaeyoung stopped talking and looked away before smiling and looking back at Sangwoo.

“I won’t say that it was a waste of time, because everything was so good and that means I can go on more dates with you. And how many more times will we have sex, you like it, right?”

“That’s right. I really have too little time. I’m sorry.”

“There will be plenty of time next. What’s there to be afraid of?”

Sangwoo frowned, they had less than a month left, but Jaeyoung said something strange while he prepared to argue. The other side laid their hand on his shoulder. Jaeyoung tapped Sangwoo’s head and spoke.

“The answer to the homework is, ‘I’m right here beside you’, you know?”

“…”

“You tend to just give up, isn’t it?”

Sangwoo pursed his lips, but no words escaped. Easy, right? It wasn’t easy for him at all. When considering the possibilities of hope, suitability, and usefulness. That’s something he couldn’t say decisively.

Jaeyoung looked into Sangwoo’s eyes with a curious gaze.

“At least try to say it now. Then I’ll consider your answer.”

“…I can’t do it.”

Hurry up.”

“I can’t.”

“You stubborn kid. I thought you would have softened up by now, but you’re still the same.”

The hand that was once placed on his head slid down to his chin and lifted his face. Then Jaeyoung removed his hand from Sangwoo’s face and picked up his phone from his pants pocket again. He complained, “Damn weirdo. I sent an email to you. You didn’t even think about replying.” And then suddenly widened his eyes. “Oh… it’s here.”

“What is it?”

Jaeyoung didn’t respond and just stared at the screen almost piercingly. Sangwoo sneakily looked through as well, wanting to know and see, and found that it was an email in English. He guessed it was about the other party’s study abroad. Jaeyoung quickly scrolled down to read the content before blurting out a curse word.

“TOE-I.”

Sangwoo snatched the phone from the other party’s hand and read each line of the message.

‘Your request, which we rejected. We apologize. The applicant is an excellent student. We understand, but it’s a pity. Attending our school is not possible if his language skills have not been certified by your university. He needs to have the language skills necessary for his studies and we have difficulties in changing our required conditions for an exchange student. We hope you understand…’[2.] 

Sangwoo interpreted the message without conscience before understanding its meaning in an instant. As he scrolled down, he found the full version of the message that Jaeyoung wrote, inquiring about exchange students, along with a game development portfolio, English language proficiency certification, and academic transcripts attached.

The receiver’s email belonged to a foreign university that Sangwoo himself knew, an engineering university in the same state as Jaeyoung’s college. Despite not being in contact, both of them independently searched for the same solution. This is evidence that Jaeyoung worried and tried to stay with Sangwoo. Even though the outcome may fail, Sangwoo’s heart beats strongly as if it has been authorized to never separate from the other party.

Jaeyoung lowered his head and peered at the floor before lifting his face back up. Their eyes met again, with no expectations or disappointments. The other party remained expressionless.

“Good, clear.”

Then the other party moved closer and sat facing him. Jaeyoung answered his phone and put it in his bag before looking into Sangwoo’s eyes with a serious expression. Sangwoo spoke first.

“I have something to say.”

“No, you’ve said enough. I’ve had enough of it.”

Jaeyoung firmly denied and placed both hands on Sangwoo’s shoulder.

“The email you saw… came from the engineering faculty of the state university where I went to study. Our university keeps repeating that if you don’t have a TOEIC score, we can’t apply for an exchange student program. So I contacted them directly, but it didn’t work out. I thought that if I could, I would give up everything and follow you in July.”

Sangwoo listened with a pounding heart before lifting his face in an instant.

There was one phrase that he had thought about and couldn’t let it pass.

“You… went to study abroad?”

The voice that came out was trembling. Jaeyoung coordinated his hand and touched Sangwoo’s forehead with his own until their hair touched.

Your two-week exam period was just a trial version for me. If I could stand it, I thought I would try to stay far away. But I didn’t actually do it, I don’t even know how many times I went to your house.”

“Did you come over?”

“Eleven times. And I wore a hoodie to go to class with you three times.”

“Don’t joke around, there’s no way I wouldn’t remember.”

“Well, I don’t see you remembering. I attended Professor Pororo’s class twice, and on the day of the algorithm presentation, I sat behind you. I was a bit frustrated that I wanted to hear your voice, but then there was a crazy guy who knew where he came from and presented instead.”

This was the most unbelievable thing Jaeyoung had ever said. Sangwoo looked into the other party’s eyes with suspicion, thinking that he might be joking, but Jaeyoung’s face remained tense.

“That’s not the point… Are you not going to continue studying? Again?”

“I can’t leave you.”

“What does that mean? It’s not like that.”

Sangwoo sighed and tried to step back. Jaeyoung held onto his arms tightly.

“You know, what if there’s some crazy guy who didn’t graduate and comes chasing after you? What if you go help someone and that person ends up falling in love with you? What if you accidentally bump into someone and that guy comes to stab you? What if someone finds out about your existence?

What am I supposed to do then?”

“I don’t think speaking like this will solve anything. Why don’t you have any common sense?”

“I’ve always been like this, and after meeting you, it has become even worse.

I take responsibility for it.”

“Calm down, hyung…”

“I can’t calm down, the time difference is fourteen hours. When I wake up in the morning, it’s already your bedtime. I can’t contact you all day, and by the time you wake up, it’s already midnight. You have to go to school, you have to study, so there’s no way for me to contact you, and I just want to know desperately if you’re doing okay, if anything happened. Did anyone come to talk to you?”

“Video call… we can do that.”

“The phone doesn’t really work, what’s the point of talking about video calls? I guess I’ll miss you alone. And then, at some point, it will explode. And if I ask if you’ve changed, if you still like me, you’ll probably get mad and say, ‘Isn’t this enough?’ ‘It’s disturbing my studies.’ ‘I think it’s a waste of time.’ And then you’ll probably block my number.”

“…That’s not possible.”

Jaeyoung spoke passionately for a while before stopping, keeping his mouth shut for a moment before looking up. He then rubbed his hands on his face and glanced at him again.

“I’ll make it clear, I’m giving up studying abroad because of you.”

“It’s not necessary…”

“Don’t interrupt and listen until the end, and then respond when you understand.”

Sangwoo closed his mouth, needing to listen before making a decision on what to answer, while he thought like that. Jaeyoung held his cheeks with both hands, his eyes showing seriousness. Sangwoo could feel his heart pounding heavily, swallowing nervously.

“Chu Sangwoo.”

“… Yes.”

“I don’t want to be your sex partner anymore.”

________________________________________.

 

 

[1] Useless. In Korean, the word is “삽질” (sap-jil), which literally means 

“digging with a hoe.” It implies doing something useless, working in vain, like digging and getting nothing in return. Just exhausting. 

[2]. Sangwoo reads email absentmindedly, so the sentence is fragmented. 

 

   SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

SMNTCERR, Chapter 93: #11. 

After crossing the sea barrier, there was a long sandy beach covered in darkness during the evening. On the beach, there were dark waves that came and went, and the dark sky was filled with unseen stars, unlike in Seoul. There were no convenience stores around, only a few small gas pumps and rundown hotels.

There was a sound of a car door opening from behind, followed by the sound of footsteps coming closer. There was nowhere to escape now… Sangwoo stood still, feeling a genuine sense of fear, but Jaeyoung walked past him. The other person walked naturally with his hands in his pockets, as if he was just wandering around.

Jaeyoung walked on the sandy beach where the sea grass grew quietly, until he reached a point where the waves washed in before receding back. He picked up a stone from the ground and threw it far into the sea. Then he stood still, looking up at the silent sky.

Sangwoo stood still, not moving, watching the other person. The stars that

Sangwoo liked the most in the world shone brighter amidst the darkness without streetlights.

Jaeyoung continued to walk on the beach before kneeling on the sand. Then he flicked a lighter and moved it to the end of the cigarette held between his fingers. The strong wind blew, causing Jaeyoung’s jacket to flutter, and also blowing into Sangwoo’s black t-shirt. Sangwoo felt cold and coughed twice.

When he lifted his gaze again, he found that Jaeyoung was looking back at him, but it was too dark to see the other person’s face clearly. The feeling of wanting to see Jaeyoung, the desire to capture the other person’s face in his memory, came rushing in. So Sangwoo took a step back.

As he stepped onto the sturdy and descending stairs, his sneakers sank into the dry sand. He took a few steps closer to the red back panel, and when he saw him, he felt the urge to hug him from behind. But Sangwoo chose to sit one meter away from the other person and meditated, looking at the radiating light along the horizon. At that moment, something brushed against his knee, it was Jaeyoung’s coat.

“Put it on.”

Jaeyoung, who was now left with only a white T-shirt, puffed cigarette smoke into the sky and smirked. Sangwoo threw the red jacket back to the other side, but it came back again within five seconds. They had done this three times before Jaeyoung muttered nonchalantly.

“Do you mean for me to wear it?”

“No.”

Sangwoo slid his arm into the sleeve of the shirt before the other side could react. Jaeyoung glanced at him briefly before saying. “Just take the shirt. It’s the same whether it’s red or white.” Sangwoo did not respond.

Suddenly, the sound of solids hitting liquids and the loud alarm of the ship replaced the silence. Sangwoo felt a sense of emptiness. Even though Jaeyoung was sitting beside him, he felt unfamiliar, like someone who had gone far away.

He was afraid of everything, from the waves that crashed in front of him and receded, to the sea that he couldn’t know what was inside, to the darkness that made his senses confused.

“It’s great, I wanted to travel with you. And now there’s a chance to travel like this.”

Although they were in the same situation, they thought differently, as if every factor that triggered Sangwoo’s anxiety became romantic and beautiful for Jaeyoung. Sangwoo smiled slightly, thinking that such a positive outlook on the world suited the other person. When he turned to look straight ahead again, the scenery had changed slightly.

Unsettled waves crashed in and receded, a deep sea abyss that one couldn’t know what was inside, a wondrous darkness that made his senses confused.

Sangwoo was overwhelmed by Jaeyoung.

His heart beat fast and reminded him of that truth, the trembling and anxiety, the happiness and despair, the joy and sadness, and the multitude of emotions that couldn’t go along together were mixed within his heart. Before this moment, Sangwoo had no idea that our emotions could be so complex.

“May I have a cigarette, please?”

Those words escaped according to emotions. Sangwoo used to think that people relying on alcohol or cigarettes were signs of weakness, now he seems to know why people crave for such things.

“It’s not good for the body.”

Of course, Sangwoo laughed mockingly when he heard that answer. He himself smokes every day, but when he asked for a puff in return, he seemed surprised.

“Give it to me.”

Jaeyoung took a cigarette out of his pants pocket and lit it before handing it to Sangwoo. Sangwoo took the cigarette and looked at it for a moment before putting it in his mouth unnaturally.

He took a cautious breath, but didn’t feel any noticeable effect as smoke came out of his mouth. But if that’s all, he couldn’t understand why people get addicted to it. Jaeyoung noticed Sangwoo’s expression and suggested.

“You have to take a deep drag.”

Sangwoo took a deep breath through his nose as instructed before coughing because of the sharp sensation, then he kept coughing uncontrollably. He heard Jaeyoung laugh softly as tears almost streamed down. Sangwoo calmed down and looked at the cigarette that had been reduced from smoking.

“I’m not addicted at all. It’s just not good for anything.”

“If a college kid heard you, they’d cry.”

Sangwoo didn’t respond, he looked around for a trash can to throw away the cigarette. As soon as Sangwoo was about to stand up, Jaeyoung extended his hand.

“Give it to me, I’ll dispose of it myself.”

He could only stare at that big hand. So the other side added.

“I have a hobby of collecting cigarette butts.”

“Liar, you’re just making excuses.”

That hand moved closer and grabbed the cigarette in Sangwoo’s hand.

Jaeyoung looked intently at Sangwoo as he put the cigarette between his lips.

Then he smiled with his eyes.

“Kissing indirectly, my heart is pounding.”

Sangwoo forgot even the sadness and laughter he had given with those meaningless words. Jaeyoung flicked the cigarette on the sand before letting the silence take over.

Sangwoo wrote down various words before erasing them. He had so much to say to Jaeyoung, but he couldn’t randomly blurt out four or five words. While sitting there with conflicting feelings in his heart, the sound of a horn blared three times, and the waves crashed twenty-five times. As the gray clouds hung over the moon, causing the world to darken even more, he spoke up, softly.

“Hyung, you’re strange, unpredictable. You don’t care about time. You don’t know how to control your thoughts, and sometimes, you can be terrifying when angry.”

“…”

“Even though I know all that, I still like you.”

As soon as he blurted it out, his strangely relieved heart relaxed. Jaeyoung didn’t say anything and just sat silently, gazing at the sea. There was no reaction whatsoever. Sangwoo stared at the waves, feeling like he could manage his feelings after saying everything. If he explained the situation in detail, Jaeyoung would understand. Once he made his decision, he felt a surge of courage.

“I don’t like just anyone like you do. And if I do like someone once, I won’t hate them either, even though I’ve never felt that way about a human before.”

If he thought about the future, it would only be filled with speculation. But, at present, Sangwoo didn’t feel bad because Jaeyoung was sitting next to him, despite the fact that his heart was pounding as if there was a dangerous situation approaching, along with the heat radiating from his skin and the sweat oozing from his hands, all signs of a single action.

“At first, I thought you were defective… an error.”

“…What?”

“Even though I didn’t like it that much, now I don’t dislike it anymore. Both you and my own self who likes you.”

It was strange that, at this moment, he didn’t care about the truth that liking a man was a waste of time, and the truth that the other party would leave soon, because even if he said there were no black sheep, it didn’t make them disappear, Sangwoo’s heart was pounding with a brave feeling.

He did not understand the emotions he had experienced for the first time for a long time, until he realized its existence. He tried to deny it, but now he knows its identity well… Sangwoo did not overlook and did not despise the strange creature that had grown so much that it could control him again.

“I am very tired. But this is not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault that I like you… It’s just a little wrong.”

He spoke with a trembling voice. As soon as he met Jaeyoung, he felt a hundred emotions, both insecure and ineffective. At the same time, after the joy came the inevitable shadows of sadness and pain, but even so, right now, Sangwoo was not sorry at all, his happiness expanded greatly, radiantly bright, causing his decision-making ability to become blind, and his chest filled with overwhelming emotions, so he did not hesitate to pay any compensation.

“What is called love… was it always like this?”

Jaeyoung, who sat still without flinching, lowered his gaze. Sangwoo then took a deep breath and asked.

“Are you laughing at me?”

“No, quite the opposite. I just remembered the three-line verse that you composed.”

“That kind of thing, I can’t remember.”

“S… Suddenly it started to rain. I… It’s terrible to meet like this. Yo… It would be better not to show up again. How did you forget about this masterpiece?”

Jaeyoung recited that beautiful and elegant verse, with a dignified posture as if it were an excellent poem. Sangwoo couldn’t help but laugh. Although he felt like the sincere visual words he had spoken had been swallowed up by the swirling waves, he still felt good now.

“Back then, you gave me a low score. How is it now?”

“Hmm…”

Jaeyoung tapped his chin with his finger and frowned as if he was thinking deeply, while the concentrated gaze of the other party was on Sangwoo’s face.

“10 out of 10, wholeheartedly. Give it a 10.”

When he saw his mischievous face, he felt as if he was traveling back in time to when he was walking to the library. Sangwoo waited for the next sentence with a mix of longing and sadness, accompanied by suppressed laughter.

“Very interesting, a perfect 10.”

 

 

Why is my heart so wide?”

“Cuteness, handsomeness, attractiveness, sexiness… all a perfect 10.”

“…What is that?”

“With a total of fifty million points.”

“Why calculate like that? And why is it so new?”

“Um… let’s skip that issue. As a poet’s son, it’s kind of…”

“Really bad.”

Jaeyoung laughed mischievously.

Although he felt annoyed at the other party crossing the line with hidden messages, Sangwoo found it strange that he felt so drawn to it. Suddenly, Sangwoo strongly felt the urge to reach out.

“Come here, please.”

Jaeyoung crawled on his knees to meet him, as if he had been waiting. Sangwoo’s hand, floating in the air, landed softly on the messy hair that was blown by the wind. He tucked a stray strand of hair behind his ear before gently caressing it.

The shell of Jaeyoung’s eyes shifted slowly, the deep and captivating gaze veiled the light before revealing itself again. His serious face made it hard to tell what he was thinking, but Sangwoo was certain of one thing: the overwhelming feeling that overflowed from those eyes was similar to how he felt. The thread of their gazes seemed intertwined.

As their noses touched, Jaeyoung’s eyes gradually closed. Big and warm hands rose up to his back and wrapped around his neck, slowly pulling Sangwoo’s face closer. Their lips opened simultaneously, their kisses suppressing and sucking on each other without hesitation or tenderness. It was only a momentary rush and passion.

‘This might be the last time.’ 

Sangwoo reluctantly accepted the rough intrusion of Jaeyoung’s tongue into his mouth and fought with himself. What good would kissing each other do now? No matter how tightly he hugged the other person’s back. No matter how forcefully he fought against the aggressive intrusion of the other person’s tongue, he knew that it was useless.

However, Jaeyoung taught him that. Even if the radiant light lasted only for a moment before fading away, it still held value. If it was beautiful, if the nerves tingle in excitement, if it was present and shining, in this moment that would not return.

‘Even if it’s the last time, it’s okay.’ 

Sangwoo closed his eyes tightly and pressed himself against Jaeyoung, full of emotions. The more painful his heart became, the more passionately he kissed. He wanted to get closer than this. More than this, he wanted their bodies to touch, to know once again that he had ascended to the curve of the other person’s body… Jaeyoung hugged Sangwoo tightly in his arms, sweeping his tongue all over his mouth, breathing heavily, saliva mixed with sweat streaming down to his chin. Sangwoo awakened the nerves, memorized the sound of Jaeyoung’s breathing in his ear, and stored the temperature of the other person’s skin on his own.

   SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

SMNTCERR, Chapter 92: #10. 

   They finished packing the items in the house at around one o’clock. Then they took the elevator down, after stuffing two shopping bags in the back of the car and the back seat, which were already packed with boxes and rice. Sangwoo sat in the driver’s seat and fastened his seatbelt, waiting for the safety pin. Then the car set off.

   “Pinpoint the location on navigation.”

   “I’ve been there many times… No need to use it.”

   “Okay.”

   Sangwoo closed his mouth and looked out of the window with a vague feeling. Although the cause of his sadness was just within reach, it was still hard to believe that he couldn’t do anything at all.

   ‘I am just a fool who can’t do anything.’ 

   He did everything he could to try to solve this problem. Even though his mother said that failure was also a good experience, he didn’t want to fail, so he tried his best throughout. Jang Jaeyoung is the only flaw in Sangwoo, an unbeatable test, an unsolvable problem, an error that cannot be found no matter how much it is searched for. Sangwoo is learning to fail for the first time in his life.

   As he sat quietly, the unfamiliar scenery outside the window passed by quickly. Then he saw the university, and ever since then, it has been a familiar path, a path he cycled to the university regularly. He began to feel uneasy, as if something was not right. Sangwoo stared out the window for a moment, but the car didn’t deviate from the familiar path.

   “Hyung, what is the address of the new house?”

   “Eunmyong Street, Alley 17.”

   “It’s near my house.”

   “You can say that.”

   ‘Ass.’

   Sangwoo pondered in his heart. If Jaeyoung is living nearby, he would have to worry every time he goes out, even to the supermarket, whether he would meet him or not, wasting both time and emotions. Even though Sangwoo is dissatisfied, it does not mean he can violate someone else’s right to move. So he can only calm down the complex emotions inside him.

   Meanwhile, the car did not deviate from the path that Sangwoo knew well, making him uneasy. When the car was on the main road and turned right, he turned to glance at Jaeyoung without realizing it, but there were no traces on his unemotional face.

   Finally, the car entered a narrow alley, and Sangwoo blinked his eyes, unable to express his feelings, then alternated his gaze between Jaeyoung and the apartment building.

   “Is it here?”

   “Yes.”

   “Which room?”

   “402.”

   “Who gave permission? Crazy guy!”

   Understanding the situation, Sangwoo reacted immediately. While he tried to forget the other party and find a way to move on with his life after they were gone, Jang Jaeyoung did what he wanted without thinking, exploding with emotions. At the same time, the anger and sadness that he had suppressed and pretended not to have also erupted. Sangwoo turned to face Jaeyoung with a twisted face.

   “Why do you do things your way?”

   “I have nowhere else to go, so just let me stay.”

   “You have so many friends, so don’t lie.”

   “Among all those people, there is no one I want to be with.”

   “Say something meaningful, go to a hotel. Don’t create trouble for others!”  “Sangwooya.”

   “Don’t call, don’t call my name with such a sweet tone. Don’t pretend to be a good person, don’t smile, don’t do any of that!”

   Even though he may rant and complain, Jaeyoung just listens silently. Even though it should alternate normally, the disease that controls anger doesn’t have to be transmitted.

   “I know what you’re going to say, but wait until tomorrow. I’ll tell you everything then.”

   “Do you know? You won’t know how I avoid emotions… And still make others scared like a county sheriff. And then after that, my everyday life will probably collapse again! No, it will collapse to the point where I don’t even know how it will collapse!”

   Strange. Even though Sangwoo is angry to the point where his veins in his neck bulge, the corners of Jaeyoung’s mouth just curl up, still giving something to laugh about. Sangwoo is furious to the extreme.

   “Hey. Jang Jaeyoung.”

   “Sometimes I may not be a sadist, but a masochist…”

   “You stay here, I’ll go myself.”

   Sangwoo unlocked the car door and closed it forcefully as if to destroy it before stomping his feet through the glass door, then went up the stairs while unlocking the door to the room. Jaeyoung followed behind, entered the room without caring and walked straight to pull out a travel bag from the corner and slammed it onto the floor.

   “Sangwooya.”

   “Did I not tell you not to call me like that?”

   “Listen to everything I say first before getting angry, it’s not too late yet, don’t make things more complicated.”

   Sangwoo assessed the other party’s words. Then he stuffed whatever clothes he could grab into his bag, grabbed the underwear in the drawer, followed by grabbing the toothbrush and toothpaste from the bathroom and threw it on the clothes. There were still many things left to pack, but he closed the bag lock roughly. He thought about the most important computer, but he didn’t feel like dealing with it and separating its components.

   As he turned around, he found Jaeyoung standing in front of the door. Sangwoo grabbed the handle of his travel bag and stared at the other party angrily. Jaeyoung showed no sign of anger or amusement, just stood still with an expressionless face that couldn’t reveal anything inside, Sangwoo’s chest moved quickly, and he gritted his teeth and spoke.

   “Back off.”

   “No.”

   “I told you to back off.”

   “Time’s up, I can’t wait any longer.”

   “What do you mean?”

   “I’m afraid my grades will drop because of you. So, I thought I would wait until the end of the exam, but now I don’t plan to wait anymore, not even for one more day.”

   “I’m ready to fight. If you don’t want that handsome face of yours to have scars, then back off.”

   “Oh, is that so?”

   Sangwoo pulled the bag towards the other party, but Jaeyoung just looked down without trying to defend himself, and put his hands in his pockets. It didn’t look like the posture of someone who intended to fight. Jaeyoung took off his glasses and placed them on the shoe cabinet.

   “Come at me, I’ll let you hit me, and then we can talk.”

   It seemed like the other party was thinking about whether to speak such words. Sangwoo couldn’t tolerate it, the confidence in the immovable reaction of the other party turned into fuel for anger. Sangwoo let go of his travel bag and clenched his fists, but after that, he didn’t know what else to do, so he just stood still, a sculpture ready to harm the opposite party as heavy as a stone, but difficult to lift.

   “We already have no way out, right?”

   Sangwoo canceled the power option. At the same time, he felt suffocated and exhausted. Even though Jaeyoung did whatever he pleased and even threatened him, including the last remaining safe zone, he had no way to stop the other side, not even one way.

   “Close your eyes.”

   “Why?”

   “Just close them.”

   Despite the calm expression, Jaeyoung followed the instructions. Sangwoo looked at the image of the other party, thinking that this would be the last time. He looked at the beautiful boy from head to toe with eyes full of pity, wanting more than anything in the world, but he couldn’t possess it. He knew that very well.

   ‘I miss you so much.’ 

   Sangwoo struggled in his heart before swiftly intruding through Jaeyoung, quickly unlocking the door. While Jaeyoung turned around, he pulled himself out and closed the door again. After the automatic lock closed once, there would be a momentary delay, and he took advantage of that time to run down the stairs like crazy.

   When he heard the sound of the door opening again, Sangwoo had already reached the second floor. Jaeyoung shouted for him to stop. Sangwoo heard the sound of footsteps approaching from behind. At the same time, he ran out of the building and straight towards the main road.

   “Hey, crazy guy. Chu Sangwoo!”

   Sangwoo didn’t turn around to look. He opened the door of the parked taxi and sat in the passenger seat. Jaeyoung ran out of the alley, the image of the other party getting closer quickly.

   “Lock all the doors.”

   The sound of the doors locking echoed as Sangwoo commanded, and all four doors of the car were locked. Jaeyoung, who arrived a little late, pulled the door handle and even tried to hit the window with his fist, but it was useless.

   Sangwoo turned his face the other way. Refusing to look at the other party.

   “Aren’t you coming down again?”

   The distant voice heard through the window.

   “Where would I go? Just knowing is enough.”

   When he didn’t care, the screaming became louder. Jaeyoung shouted and smashed his sculpture against the car.

   “I asked where you want to go.”

   The taxi driver looked a little confused. Sangwoo took a breath and asked the other party.

   “Actually, I don’t know where to go.”

   “Huh?”

   “I mean anywhere is fine. Please just let me out of the car first.”

   “Understood.”

   After the car slowly exited, Sangwoo looked out the window to capture the image of Jaeyoung one last time, but no matter where he looked, he couldn’t find the person who used to cause chaos in front of the window. Sangwoo wondered, but the driver’s voice interrupted his thoughts.

   “Then should I drive around for about thirty minutes and come back to the same place?”

   “No, please go somewhere else. You go ahead and drive. I need to think for about ten minutes.”

   Sangwoo sighed. While he was considering various headache-inducing matters, such as where to go, what to do with the burden left in the room, what to do with the unretrieved data on the computer, and how to attend class, he saw a familiar car in the rearview mirror. It was a white hatchback with a red-tinted roof and windows. Sangwoo thought he was mistaken and turned around to look closely, but even the license plate numbers matched.

   “That crazy guy!”

   He thought about staying and resting, stopping before being overwhelmed and breaking down again in a month, but it seemed that Jaeyoung didn’t see the situation because he prioritized the present, his own desires being the top priority, and had to do everything he wanted. Sangwoo gritted his teeth. “Please keep a distance from the car with the license plate 7285, over there.” As he pointed with his thumb, the taxi driver burst into laughter.

   “Have you watched too many movies?”

   “No.”

   Sangwoo expected the taxi driver to drive faster, but the taxi stopped at the bus stop instead. Then it parked smoothly in front of the zebra crossing, the license plate number 7285, moving to the left side of the taxi and stopping before lowering the windows. Jaeyoung struggled to say something, but Sangwoo turned to face the taxi driver.

   “Please help me get on the expressway so that car doesn’t catch up.”

   “But I think I’ll quit my job in half an hour.”

   “I’ll pay double the fare.”

   “Come on, let’s go.”

   The taxi driver’s eyes sparkled with anticipation. Sangwoo had just managed to buckle his seatbelt by now and leaned back fully, not knowing that the chase would continue for another two hours.

   return 0;.

   The taxi driver, who stopped at every red light and maintained the speed as prescribed by the law, deserved recognition as a law-abiding and respectful person. However, in terms of responding to the customer’s request, Sangwoo asked the other driver to speed up twice, but instead of creating distance, the taxi just drove parallel to Jaeyoung’s slow car.

   They then left the Seoul area and arrived at the East Sea after standing as competitors. The boxy car with a red lid ran alongside the taxi for two hours as the stubborn driver opened the window and waved casually, making Sangwoo very annoyed.

   “Young man, these days having friends who care is a good thing now. Do not argue anymore, I’ll drop you off at the beach, you can exchange punches in a manly way or whatever.”

   “I told you, we’re not friends.”

   Over the course of two hours, the taxi driver continuously hinted for Sangwoo to get out of the car from a distance.

   “That’s enough, that young man, I think even if we reached the edge of the green sky, he’d still be following us.”

   That’s a hard statement to refuse. In Sangwoo’s eyes, he never thought Jaeyoung would give up, even if he escaped further, he knew, but he was still stubborn, he didn’t want to face the other party. He didn’t want to talk face to face.

   The taxi driver looked at Sangwoo expectantly.

   “So, should I park here?”

   “…Understood.”

   Sangwoo concluded that it was pointless to continue. As soon as the person driving the taxi pressed the ‘Double’ button, the fare skyrocketed. Sangwoo tried not to look at the unrealistic amount and paid with a card. As soon as he got out of the taxi, it quickly drove away. Then Sangwoo stood still, feeling the wind in a place he had just visited for the first time, looking at an unfamiliar scenery. 

      SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

      SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

 

SMNTCERR, Chapter 91: #9. 

   While walking with his mind empty, Sangwoo suddenly passed by the student cafeteria. He saw a red sign in front about ten meters away. The items that reminded him of Jang Jaeyoung were everywhere in this university. The day he wrote on the blackboard with a magic marker to answer the questions in class, “Engineering Mathematics 2”, came back to his memory. 

   Sangwoo walked into the restaurant as if something was drawing him in. He sat down at the same table as he sat on that day and ordered the same pepperoni pizza that he ate that day. People in the pizza place were gathered in groups, but Sangwoo sat alone and ate a plate of mildly spicy and salty pepperoni pizza. 

   After paying and walking out of the store, he headed towards the planned shop to buy his usual coffee. As he passed through the bakery zone, the instant noodle zone, and the ice cream zone, he would come across three beverage coolers, ‘Black Holic’, located in the third cooler, on the fifth shelf, but Sangwoo’s gaze turned towards the second shelf. 

   “…”

   He stared at a can of dark red for a moment, as if competing for attention before opening the cooler and picking the one at the very back. As he held the can at the cashier, the store owner looked at Sangwoo with strange eyes, as if he had bought an unbuyable drink.

   Sangwoo sipped his caffeine drink and walked leisurely around the university. He walked without haste and didn’t think of checking the time by lifting his wristwatch before throwing the empty cola can into the trash bin in front of a student club.

   After walking continuously, he arrived at a large gate. In front, on the wide lawn, a few students were resting as if completely exhausted, like a piece of dried cloth just taken out of a washing machine. It didn’t look as strange as when he saw it for the first time… Sangwoo looked at the scenery in silence before slowly walking towards it.

   He walked on the grass until he reached the center and sat down to meditate before inhaling the scent of grass and glancing at the image of a white butterfly fluttering by, a little further away a female student was lying down with her legs stretched out while covering her face with a book.

   Sangwoo took off his backpack and laid it on the grass before lying his head down with a sense of embarrassment. At first, he felt unnatural, but after a brief moment, he felt surprisingly comfortable. Surprising himself, a gentle moist breeze blew, carrying the feeling of early summer. He took off his black cap and placed it on his stomach, letting his horse-like hair flutter in the wind.

   “Pie-nee-pie-nee-tai-pie-nee…” [1.]

   Sangwoo looked at the clouds floating in the gray sky and soon fell asleep. Even though it was such a good day, he still felt empty inside, but regardless, it was still a refreshing day to the point that even sadness didn’t matter.

   Sangwoo lay on the grass like a heartless person with nothing to do, pulling out emotions that have been locked away for the past four months. Jang Jaeyoung arrived forty minutes late, starting off their encounter with anger, provocation, fluidity. Unfairness. Distrust, and hatred.

   Then Jaeyoung pretended to be a good person, cooked meals, drew pictures, and helped him with Chinese dramas. Sangwoo started to compete for his heart, little by little, starting from when the other side was just a “sunbae” At that time, he thought that the reason his heart was racing was because of anger, and when the other side whispered in his ear in the library, he became stiff and thought that there was something wrong with his body.

   Sometimes, when their feelings of love started to grow, it seemed to be while they were creating games together. Sangwoo’s heartbeat would accelerate, his blood would rush, and he would gradually have feelings, an increased frequency of laughter and jokes from the other side, countless kisses, dates at the movies where Jaeyoung looked especially good, sex that made him feel good like never before, warm and strong embraces, walks not to reach a destination but to walk together, basketball betting that interested him more than playing, and joyrides in the car that were more thrilling than the nighttime scenery.

   Jaeyoung was a person with diversity, like clothes that the owner wore. The other side was a person who adorned themselves with the colors of anxiety, the purple of happiness, the dark blue of success, the golden color of joy, and the red color of contentment in Sangwoo’s world. There were also splashes of red and purple of longing, the intense yellow of fear, the gray of worry, the white of fear, and the black of despair.

   ‘Miss you.’ 

   The sentence that came up most often in his mind over the past ten days appeared once again, but even so, he knew very well that it was useless. The real world he lived in did not have magic like in the game.

   ‘Miss you so much.’ 

   Nonetheless, Sangwoo continued to wander aimlessly, as if there was nothing happening, but while he was thinking like a fool, shadows began to fall on his face. Sangwoo blinked a few times, with a slight frown of irritation.

   “Where have you been all this time?” And then, a miracle happened.

   Jang Jaeyoung stood and turned around, allowing the sun’s rays to shine down on Sangwoo. The other side wore jeans and a white t-shirt, with crooked fingers like a talon gripping onto a red Jaws shirt worn familiarly, three earrings reflecting the sunlight, and round metal glasses perched on the nose. Sangwoo blinked his eyes two or three times, thinking that this may be a dream, but the image he saw remained the same.

   “Ni hao.” [2] 

   “That pronunciation is the same as before. What have you been studying all this semester?”

   Jaeyoung’s posture that appeared in the past twelve days seemed like nothing was happening. Sangwoo pretended to not feel anything, glanced at the sky, but his heart pounded so loudly that he was afraid it could be heard from the outside. Jaeyoung sat down next to him, leaning close.

   “Good news and bad news, which news do you want to hear first?”

   “I don’t want to hear either of them.”

   “The good news is that I’m moving house.”

   “Oh, okay.”

   His slender finger moved closer and gently touched Sangwoo’s forehead.

   “Because of you, I couldn’t finish my studies and broke our agreement.”

   “Why is it my fault? It’s your fault for trying to improve your grades without doing anything different.”

   “I miss the way things used to be.”

   Jaeyoung’s laughter sounded gentle. Although he couldn’t see the image of the other person laughing with his own eyes, his body experienced numerous chemical reactions. Sangwoo chose to close his eyes.

   “And the bad news?”

   “The bad news is… you have to help me move.”

   “No, it seems like you see me as weak, but I’m not helpless. It’s better this way.”

   “You’ve finished your exams, and you have nothing else to do, right? Please help me. I’ll treat you to a meal.”

   “No, thanks.”

   “I’ll treat you to a drink.”

   “No, thanks.”

   “I’ll give you a kiss.”

   “…”

   Sangwoo opened his mouth but couldn’t say anything. When he turned to look to the side, his eyes met with Jaeyoung, who was trying not to laugh. Sangwoo wanted to scold him with a few words, but his mouth instead responded according to his inner thoughts.

   “Forget it…for now.”

   Jaeyoung laughed a little, looking very good that it hurt Sangwoo’s heart. When he looked at me with a mischievous gaze, Jaeyoung turned his head slightly and asked again.

   “Here? Really?”

   “Yes.”

   “I’m almost graduating. It doesn’t matter, but there will be rumors about you kissing a man.”

   “I don’t care.”

   “No. I’ll kiss you a lot later.”

   “Do it now. Don’t bother pretending to be a good person.”

   Jaeyoung lifted his face with an indescribable expression. The other party lowered his gaze and approached, covering both of their heads with the jacket that used to be on their shoulders. Then the vision turned completely red. Jaeyoung, who was covered in red, quickly moved closer, and just before their lips touched, he closed his eyes and turned his head slightly to the side.

   The lower lips of Sangwoo touched the tongue of Jaeyoung in a wide range. Then the lower lip was sucked into the mouth of the other party. Sangwoo forgot how to breathe and was motionless like a statue. Although he was the one who asked for it first, his heart beat uncontrollably and he couldn’t concentrate. Shortly after, the red curtain disappeared, along with the sunlight shining on their eyes again. The short and intense kiss left only the scent of vanilla on the remaining part of their lips.

   “Sometimes you’re too daring.”

   Jaeyoung sat still, murmuring quietly. Although he couldn’t see his face because the other party turned away, his neck and ears were stained red.

   “Let’s go. House moving.”

   Sangwoo stood up reluctantly.

   Since he had received payment, he had no choice but to help. But Sangwoo was not satisfied with this situation, as he thought that he would never meet Jaeyoung again and would overcome his loneliness. He planned to lock himself up at home during the semester break to focus on writing code. However, Jaeyoung appeared again and disrupted Sangwoo’s plan, just like before.

   Jaeyoung’s house had cheap boxes scattered throughout the house after important furniture such as the TV and desk had disappeared. Sangwoo worked quietly as if he was hired labor. Jaeyoung didn’t bother him and treated him like a younger brother calling for help in real work. Sangwoo picked up countless clothes in the closet, arranging them in boxes in the most efficient way. Then he moved the boxes to the car without complaining, before putting the garbage in large trash bags.

   After finishing work, it was already six o’clock. Jaeyoung suggested ordering

   Jajangmyeon to eat together, but Sangwoo was facing pressure to leave Jaeyoung quickly.

   “Okay then. I’m leaving.”

   “Where are you going? You should help me move to my new house.”

   “This should be enough, right?”

   “I’ll kiss you again.”

   Sangwoo took a deep breath and turned away.

   “It’s okay. I’ll do it for free.”

   He felt like he had been robbed with just one kiss, and if they kissed again, Sangwoo might lose his self-control and say something strange to the other party.

   Jaeyoung called the Chinese restaurant and ordered sweet and sour deepfried pork with Jajangmyeon for two. They were separated in different rooms until the food arrived. Sangwoo pretended to be busy organizing the room, but in reality, he didn’t do anything, while Jaeyoung was doing something that he couldn’t know.

   After the delivery person had left, they met again in the living room and laid the newspaper on the empty space before sitting down, unwrapping the plastic. Then they started eating the food in the bowls, quietly eating together for a while. Sangwoo then asked.

   “Where are you moving to?”

   “You should’ve asked that from the beginning.”

   “So, where are you going?”

   “Near the university.”

   “Why?”

   “It’s my business.”

   “I see.”

   Sangwoo started eating again, his eyes fixed on the end of the newspaper, and he stubbornly twirled the noodles covered in black sauce in his mouth. In his mind, he wondered why the other party was looking for a new home even though he was about to start studying in another month, but he didn’t ask.

   Meanwhile, Jaeyoung called his name.

   “Sangwoo.”

   “Yes, why?”

   Sangwoo stared at the chicken soup and then answered, while his hand holding the chopsticks came into view.

   “Your mouth is stained with black sauce.”

   “After I finish eating, I’ll wipe it once… You don’t have to bother.”

   “It’s too annoying to the point that I can’t even eat.”

   Sangwoo looked up before meeting Jaeyoung’s smiling eyes, and at that moment, anger surged. While he was struggling in a broken-down body with his daily life destroyed, the other party still looked comfortable and at ease, which made him angry enough to put the bowl down with a loud sound. “What kind of habit is this?! If you’re that lazy, I can do it.”

   Jaeyoung reached out without any warning and hugged Sangwoo’s neck, with his face right in front with just a blink of an eye.

   “Do… do what?”

   Jaeyoung didn’t answer, and that movement made his eyelashes slightly tremble. Jaeyoung was too close. The other party blinked, examining

   Sangwoo’s lips before using his tongue to wipe the sauce instead of the tissue in his hand.

   “…”

   Sangwoo was so startled that he couldn’t react and just allowed himself to be the one being done to, even when Jaeyoung used his tongue to lick around the edges of his lips, or even when his lips were completely taken over by the other party, he could only sit there with wide-open eyes. When the other party returned to his seat and picked up his chopsticks as if nothing had happened, his heart pounded as if it would explode, the stimulation coming along with the trembling changed into anger and sadness in an instant. Sangwoo felt like crying.

   “Next time, don’t do this impulsively again, okay?”

   Sangwoo frowned and spoke sharply, not giving Jaeyoung a chance to respond.

   “Once the agreement is made that I will help, I will help you move the items to the new house. Then I will go back home.”

   “That’s fine.”

   “After that, there’s no need to contact or come to see me again.”

   It seemed that Jang Jaeyoung did not take Sangwoo’s tense words seriously, as he continued to eat a piece of fried pork with an unaffected expression. Sangwoo lost his appetite completely and left the other side like that, entering the room.

   ________________________________________.

   [1] “Pie-nee-pie-nee-tai-pie-nee…” At this point, Sangwoo pronounced it incorrectly, pronouncing it like a Korean who liked to pull the sound of the first syllable together with the vowel sound of the second syllable. In cases where the consonant of the second syllable is a sound, it should be pronounced as “Phienoi-Phienoi-Tai-Phienoi….” [2] “Neeha-o.” = Ni hao. 

    

      SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

SMNTCERR, Chapter 90: #8. 

   As he returned to his room, Sangwoo folded the loose papers from the supermarket together and immediately threw them in the trash box. He then checked the utility bills one by one: gas, telephone, and electricity, and placed them in order behind. Finally, he reached the last unaddressed envelope written, ‘Chu Sangwoo’, with difficult-to-read handwriting in the lower right corner, while white envelopes and bank debt notices fell to the floor in Sangwoo’s hands.

   His heart was pounding as if it was about to burst through his skin.

   Sangwoo cautiously opened the letter. Then his eyes lit up as he looked inside.

   “Ah…”

   Inside the envelope was a rectangular piece of fabric with a black background and a polaroid photo of someone Sangwoo missed. The other person was in a performance costume and was looking directly at Sangwoo with a confident and unique expression on their face. The back of the picture had a short handwritten note.

   [I know you’ll be busy during the exams, but come and see me. 

   I’ll be performing for only five minutes, so you can just watch me and leave.] 

   Sangwoo carefully read the spaced-out handwritten text, different from the repeated texts. Then tears began to fall, and he quickly wiped them with his sleeves, afraid the ink would smear.

   ‘It’s too late now, hyung.’ 

   However, tears continued to flow. He must have checked the mailbox earlier, knowing it was useless to be sad, but his mind was still filled with resentment for a time he couldn’t go back to. Jaeyoung, who dressed as a thief, was performing on stage. He missed the other person too much, but in the end, he failed, not for any reason other than his own jealousy. These thoughts made him feel angry, resentful, and suffocating.

   His nose and tears continued to stream. Despite his attempts to sniff and wipe them, it wouldn’t stop. Sangwoo had no resistance to a disease he had just experienced for the first time.

   ‘I am an idiot who knows nothing at all.’

   After that, his big mind returned. Sangwoo washed his face, blew his nose, and then drank 500 milliliters of water in one go. His chest moved up and down with each heavy breath, and his eyes were filled with a fierceness he had never experienced before.

   ‘But we learn from failure.’

   Although the size of the triangle may increase, the sum of the angles will not change. Small problems from small events turn into big problems in big events. Sangwoo learned from what he encountered today. No, it was not the time to give up like this. Just by not watching a single episode of the drama, tears welled up in his eyes. After Jaeyoung left for real, he had to cry and think about the other party every day, that was certain.

   He replaced every variable with English alphabet letters to remove the emotions and viewed this matter impartially with the eyes of a third person.

   [Condition: X likes to be physically close to Y.

   Problem: There is going to be a physical distance that has meaning between X and Y. Solution:

1.    “Do not change the position of Y.
2.    “Change the position of Y to be the same value as Y.

iii.     “X adjusts to fit the physical distance with Y.]

   He could think of only three ways. Sangwoo replaced the English alphabet letters with his name again before being slightly surprised, because there were two methods mentioned by Jihye.

   The first method uses the value of Jaeyoung’s name in Y. Jaeyoung’s study abroad is a constant value, not a variable. Sangwoo has no authority over that decision, and he didn’t want to influence that decision either. Sangwoo began to consider the second solution [1].

   ‘What about studying? What about living? What about visas? What about the cost of living? What about language? Also, X has plans for life too. It is impossible to make a decision without caring about anything like that.’ 

   He walked firmly to the computer, pressed the power button, and sat down on the chair. As soon as the desktop appeared, he immediately moved his hand restlessly and searched for various keywords before disappearing. It included types of American visas, how to apply for visas, studying abroad, Hankuk University homepage, student exchange conditions, cost of living in  America, and plane tickets. Sangwoo sat in one place without moving for an hour and had accumulated information in the amount of three A4 sheets of paper in his hands.

   Sangwoo’s decision was in turmoil and confusion between options that were not much. Life plan… He no longer had time to think about it. Sangwoo will graduate next year, work in the company he wants, and after going out with the condition of getting married, he should get married at the age of thirty. He had no plans to move abroad next semester, but he was busy searching for information like a lost person. That’s not something a successful social student does. It’s something that a foolish man in love does for survival.

   “The only way is to be an exchange student, huh.”

   Sangwoo looked through the documents compiled from the search results, but even the exchange student issue was not as expected. Among the programs offered by the university, there were only two programs that matched the Faculty of Engineering and were located in the same state as Jaeyoung’s graduate school. The rest had exceeded the application deadline. He had the qualifications for one of these two programs, but he had to submit his TOEFL score within three days.

   “This is terrible.”

   Stress began to creep in. If it was a program that started in the next semester, it might be possible, but there was no way for him to stay in America next month without any visa problems. Sangwoo felt hopeless and tried to make a slight change.

   “[ii.’Change the position of X in another 6 months to match Y.]”

   But in the end, was this really a solution? No need to ask if he could endure during that time. The thing to think about was how Jang Jaeyoung would react to the situation when they meet again in the second half of the year after Sangwoo crossed rivers and seas to follow him.

   ‘Having said that, I’ve never heard.’

   Just talking about studying further. Jaeyoung would change the topic and never say anything seriously, so even the other party’s feelings, he could only guess vaguely. He couldn’t be sure.

   Sangwoo had never cared about those things before. Jaeyoung was someone who could do whatever he wanted. If he didn’t want to do it, he would refuse. The other party was not a variable but a constant, so he was not someone Sangwoo could influence or negotiate with. Jaeyoung was an obstacle that kept teasing him, a talented designer, an efficient tool to satisfy sexual needs, and…

   Sangwoo sighed.

   ‘Why are you thinking alone, you rude kid? You should ask about my feelings and thoughts a little, shouldn’t you?’ 

   ‘This is not a competition, don’t forget that it is a collaboration.’ 

   Have I ever asked him how he plans his life? What Does he think? How does he feel when he sees me? Why did he respond when I invited him to play a game? Why does he want to sleep with me? Why does he laugh just by seeing me? Why does he like to come to my house? Have I ever asked him about those things?

   At that time, he didn’t care about what Jaeyoung was thinking, what they wanted to do, what they planned to do after studying, how they would live after graduating, when they would get married, he was just curious about this much.

   The variable, “Jang Jaeyoung’s heart”, made everything complicated. Sangwoo was ready to deduce and implement the most appropriate solution, but before that, he hesitated to make a decision because the variable he knew was just a constant.

   Sangwoo knew Jang Jaeyoung as someone with low tolerance, easily agitated, unstable, inconsistent, and who treats everything as a joke. Now the other side is showing interest in Sangwoo and behaving as if they have romantic feelings, but how will it be after half a year? Will the other side still be waiting for him?

   ‘It seems boring. That guy didn’t really want to date anyone from the beginning.’ 

   Yoona said that the average duration of dating the other side is less than three months. Even though the other side seemed reluctant, they started dating, but data still had doubts about the possibility of failure. If he changes his life plans and goes to America in the next six months, Jaeyoung will be colder toward him. If Jaeyoung finds a new love. If Jaeyoung says that he doesn’t want to do anything with Sangwoo anymore, what should he do?

   ‘I am very tired, hyung.’

   Sangwoo sat silently for a moment. No matter what he thought, he couldn’t easily choose the second option. That was a reasonable conclusion when considering the information, situation, and life plans together. The only remaining option right now is the third option. [iii. “X adjust to the physical distance, with Y.] That was the starting point.

   The four-month period he had with Jang Jaeyoung was just one point in his long-lasting life, a diverging point that couldn’t be graphed as a constant beginning and ending. Sometimes it could turn into the most overwhelming and happiest time in his life, even without the other side, but even if there was no other side, his life would not end. Sangwoo had to think carefully about how he would continue to live if Jaeyoung left now.

   There is no other way than to decrease desire in order to cope with the inevitable lack of resources, in order for it to become zero, so that the day the other party is no longer necessary will surely come, because humans are not basic resources necessary for survival like air, water, or food.

   Sangwoo turned off the computer, then picked up Jaeyoung’s Polaroid photo and lay down on the bed. His heart was heavy and overwhelmed with sadness, but he didn’t have the strength to cry. Sangwoo looked at the photo.

   He lived his life thinking that he was a black mamba snake in the forest, not fearing anything, excelling in everything, and if he tried, he could possess what he wanted. What others said was difficult was not difficult for Sangwoo, and what others said was challenging was not challenging for Sangwoo either.

   ‘I am like a machine with no emotions.’

   It seemed like he was being rolled around like a dust suction robot, but not being overwhelmed by emotions was his greatest strength. This strength made

   Sangwoo not useless like other people and always able to focus on the efficient things.

   ‘It’s not like that anymore.’

   Before, he might have lived without fearing anything like Superman, but after encountering Jang Jaeyoung, a kryptonite. Sangwoo lost his superpowers and eventually became an ordinary person.

   Sangwoo stared at Jaeyoung for a moment before gently kissing the photo.

   return 0;

   The exam period passed quickly, almost like a rocket. If someone in the distant future asks him what was the worst period in his life, Sangwoo could confidently answer that it was a certain week. He had never faced an exam without preparation like this before in his life.

   During the final exams of the second year of junior high school, he was sick with a high fever for five days, but his abilities in normal times allowed him to still be ranked first in school. In the first year of high school, he had to attend his grandmother’s funeral the day before the exam, so he didn’t study all day, but of course, the result came out that he was the top of the school. Even after entering university, he still maintained his statistics A+. in every subject except for A0, which was infamous for the subject “Basic Chinese Language.”

   ‘This semester was a disaster.’ 

   At least it could be said that he was lucky to only have to study five subjects in order to create games. The major subject that he had basic skills in from regular reading, he was able to solve problems. However, the subject

   “Intermediate Chinese” was a concern, while the subject “Contemporary Culture and Cultural Theory” seemed insignificant. After the exam, Sangwoo was able to call Jihye to compare answers, but he didn’t suspect anyone knew about his score.

   Sangwoo walked to the cafeteria feeling frustrated. In his mind, it was both gloomy and dark, but the red sun floating high in the sky suddenly shone brightly, giving him a feeling like someone else. Sangwoo looked up at the sun with wide eyes and stood still for a moment.

   ‘Just looking at the sky reminds me. And you want to reduce desires?’ 

   A sneering smile appeared on his lips. Desires had long been severed, but the desire did not diminish even a little, even just for yesterday’s matter. He deleted the “Jang Jaeyoung” folder permanently so that it couldn’t be recovered. And then wasted time looking for the files again, which was useless.

   He pushed aside his studies and searched for ways to conquer unrequited love and ways to abandon attachments on the internet to try and practice, but it was all in vain. He tried ordering special food. He tried sleeping for a long time. He tried listening to music. He tried watching movies… Jang Jaeyoung still didn’t know how to disappear from his heart.

   ‘Can I overcome it?’ 

   On the internet, it said that time heals everything, but there was no guarantee that people like Sangwoo suffered from the same burning pain, which everyone encounters growing up. But it was hard to believe. This kind of agonizing pain doesn’t happen to everyone for sure.

   ________________________________________.

   [1] Solution. Computer problem-solving method. 

    

      SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

SMNTCERR, Chapter 89: #7. 

   “Please line up, line up!”

   One person shouted loudly, while the students were organizing tables to sell tickets, and the line was so long that it curved three times. On the large black poster hanging on the wall next to them, it displayed the names of the actors along with their photos. When Sangwoo saw the picture of someone placed in the front, he ran in immediately.

   [Special Chapter ‘The Famous Pirate’ Francis – Jang Jaeyoung.]  

   Inside the rectangular frame, approximately the size of a card, was Jaeyoung in the make-up section of the pirate, looking proud, wearing a tilted hat and a fake beard.

   “…”

   Sangwoo stood still like a person stuck to the floor and stared at the photo for a moment before walking calmly to the end of the line. Then he felt like he had become a fool, but he had no other choice.

   The line slowly shortened. Sangwoo walked forward step by step, enduring amidst the crowd screaming like monkeys. As he waited continuously, he reached the queue of the person in front, a young woman buying six tickets.

   Then the two students who were selling tickets high-fived each other.

   “Wow! It’s the real exam period, but it still ended within thirty-five minutes.

   You’re really something.”

   “See? I did a good deal by putting it in front.”

   “But he’s not the protagonist. The advertisement is too exaggerated, he might be criticized.”

   “He appeared first according to the representation. Well, what about next semester?”

   Although Sangwoo was seen standing patiently, they kept talking without stopping until one of them noticed Sangwoo.

   “Sorry, the tickets are sold out.”

   “Why?”

   “Huh? I said it’s sold out.”

   “So you mean to say it’s sold out right in front of me, huh?”

   “Yes.”

   Considering the number of seats and the length of the waiting line, Sangwoo felt like he was hearing disappointing news after calculating the chances of the tickets being sold out before his turn.

   “Don’t you sell online? Is there any other way to watch?”

   “On the show day, if you buy tickets that people return, you can enter.”

   ‘I really want to watch it…’ 

   Even though Sangwoo was still standing in front, they have started collecting things. People in the back of the line complained and dispersed with regret, but Sangwoo didn’t move anywhere.

   “Is there really no other way?”

   “I’m sorry. They don’t have standing tickets at the theater.”

   “Are there really none?”

   “Yes.”

   “Think about it again, there really isn’t any other way.”

   “…He seems to be a fan club member of ours. At least give him a poster.”  Drama club members unwound the posters on the wall and handed them to Sangwoo with a pleading face.

   “You have to come quickly. Usually, it sells out fast because of the actors joining. Next semester should be better.”

   “There’s nothing to watch next semester. This kind of performance.” Sangwoo accepted the poster with a reluctant expression.

   On the way back home, Sangwoo felt intense stress. Even though the weather was sunny, his shoulders drooped as if being soaked with rain and he felt weak like a defeated person.

   ‘I need to…study, but…’ 

   Sangwoo parked his bike before pushing the glass door with a feeling of disappointment. He noticed a mailbox with the number 402. A flier came out. Although he had previously stuck a note saying, ‘Please do not insert flyers,’ it was useless. It used to be Sangwoo’s habit to check the mailbox every day, but today he felt so bored and annoyed that he left it alone like that.

   He unlocked the door and entered the dark and chilly room, a space that used to be peaceful and familiar, but now made Sangwoo feel uncomfortable.

   ‘What a fuck up!’ 

   He took a deep breath and carefully removed the rolled-up poster stuck to the side without causing any damage. In the picture, Jaeyoung looked so good that he overshadowed the other actors, but Sangwoo still didn’t understand why he felt a sharp pain in his chest instead of feeling good.

   After examining the small rectangular piece of fabric in each corner, this corner, and looking closely, he touched it with his fingertips before sticking the poster on the wall. He turned on his phone camera and focused on taking detailed pictures in case the poster got damaged. While he was about to take the shot, the phone screen changed.

   [Incoming call, model: Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, graphic design.] 

   Sangwoo was so startled that he almost dropped his phone. He tightened his grip on the phone and his eyes quickly wandered. After telling the other party through a text message to separate and only talk about projects, they never contacted each other again. He didn’t know if the other party had something important to do, or if they were dissatisfied. Or was it about the event? Or maybe the other party was in a dangerous situation?

   The moment he decided to listen to what the other end had to say before deciding whether to call back, the call was disconnected.

   “Oh, how nice…”

   Sangwoo let out a sigh of relief that he had been holding back at the corner of his mouth. There was nothing satisfying recently. While he was considering whether to call back or not, there was a notification on the phone screen.

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: Can I have your ID card number _14:22.] 

   Sangwoo frowned.

   [What for? _14:23.] 

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: I am applying for an adult website _14:23.] 

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: It’s about the budget. Hurry and send it _14:23.] 

   “Budget? What budget?”

   They agreed from the beginning of the project that they could manage the initial expenses and had never discussed the budget before.

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: Hey, I don’t have time anymore. _14:24.] 

   Sending text messages back and forth with the other party was also worrying. Sangwoo reluctantly gave his ID number, but even then, there were settings to alert him if it was stolen and used. If Jaeyoung actually used it to register for a real adult website, he would know right away. Sangwoo now wanted it to be enough, but Jaeyoung continued to bother him.

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: Do you have any certifications? 

   Like the Korean history knowledge test, backhoe license, ***TOEIC*** 

   _14:26.] 

   [Engineering technician license, certification, OCJP[1], Linux Master certification[2] _14:27.] 

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: No TOEIC? _14:27.] 

   [X _14:28.] 

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: You’re always doing something, that’s why you haven’t taken the TOEIC _14:28.] 

   ‘What’s the big fuss?’

   Sangwoo felt like throwing his phone.

   [I’m not a graduating student. Why should I take the TOEIC? And why are you asking? _14:29.] 

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: Seems like there’s a field to fill out when submitting the app for verification _14:29.] 

   [That’s not possible. _14:30.] 

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: No, I saw it _14:30.] 

   [Capture it and send it over for me to see. _14:30.] 

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: I’m busy, don’t bother me right now _14:31.] 

   Suddenly, Sangwoo wondered why Jaeyoung, who seemed really strange, would want to know other people’s identification numbers and be curious about certificates. He really couldn’t figure out what the purpose was. ‘But he didn’t just start acting strange.’ 

   Sangwoo took a deep breath and replied that he understood.

   He waited for three minutes, but there was no other message. Sangwoo didn’t immediately lock his phone or scroll to read the message again. He naturally slid his finger down to reveal the previous message. He carefully reread the detailed conversation between the two without realizing it. [Jaeyoung, ㅅㅂ♨:

   You appeared in my dream yesterday _3 a week ago.] 

   [Jaeyoung, ㅅㅂ♨: You were completely naked _3 a week ago.] 

   ‘You psycho.’

   [NonPaddler 3: Waxed _5, a week ago.] 

   [NonPaddler 3: When I asked for Americano _5, a week ago.] 

   ‘Lazy person.’

   [NonPaddler 3: Please call me. _4 a month ago.] 

   [NonPaddler 3: Are you the group leader?? I said let’s talk, how? _4, a month ago.] 

   [NonPaddler 3: No response, huh? _4 a month ago.] 

   “It’s beyond remedy to come back and read it again.”

   Sangwoo read back until he reached the first message before calmly putting his phone down.

   “Don’t space out too much, is your finger broken or something?” A bitter smile crept up on the corner of his mouth.

   return 0;

   Today is the day of the performance. On the Friday of the last week before the exam, the library was crowded with people almost exploding. But the entrance of the Cultural Center was still bustling with students who came to watch the semester performance of the drama club. Sangwoo arrived two hours before the show, leaving his number with the drama club members and asking them to contact him if there were any ticket returns. However, he couldn’t trust the other party, so he decided to stay nearby.

   There are still thirteen minutes left before the show starts. Although some students came and asked if there were any tickets left, there was no hope that anyone would return their tickets.

   ‘I have to buy that ticket.’ 

   Sangwoo held onto his groundless belief and looked at the line waiting to enter the meeting room to see if anyone would change their mind. He even sent out a wave of thoughts ordering them to return their tickets, even though he didn’t believe in such things anymore.

   There are eight minutes left before the show starts, and Sangwoo’s heart was beating fast and uncontrollably. Now, the club members are checking the tickets of the people in line and allowing them to enter the meeting room. When they saw the torn black background tickets, Sangwoo’s hope was also torn apart.

   ‘Why are there so many tickets, but none of them are mine?’ 

   Although Sangwoo thought that among those people, someone might return a ticket, everyone just kept talking to the person next to them with hopeful faces and walked into the meeting room.

   There are three minutes left before the show starts. Sangwoo is still restless. Nothing he wanted to do so badly in the past could be achieved, even though he had tried. This time, even though he lacked information and couldn’t buy tickets in advance, a miracle had to happen in the final second.

   ‘I want to watch, we must watch.’

   Sangwoo’s eyes kept looking at the first picture on the cast list. He had seen it so many times that he could draw it with his eyes closed. But he still kept the image of the other party with a messy wig, beard, and slanted pirate hat in his mind, with a mischievous glance and a slightly revealed tongue in their eye.

   Meanwhile, three minutes had passed, and the people who lined up to enter the meeting room were gone. As for the staff, they started collecting their belongings and taking down the posters on the wall. Sangwoo went to find one of those people with a feeling of disbelief. When the male student saw Sangwoo, he burst into dry laughter.

   “Haha, you haven’t left yet. Sorry, but no one returned their tickets.”

   “Really? None at all?”

   “Yes.”

   “Really? None at all?”

   “Yes.”

   “Really?”

   “…Okay.”

   No matter how many times he asked, the answer remained the same. Sangwoo stood there, blinking his eyes, his mind aware that it was because he wasn’t prepared ahead of time and missed the opportunity to enter and watch.

   But his heart wasn’t like that.

   “Hyungnim is performing inside, so why can’t I see him?”

   The cultural center building that he normally didn’t notice in the least seemed so vast and towering. Sangwoo had no way of entering, and even when the theater club members finished their performance and left, he remained where he was, without any hope, with only the darkness of the night left.

   He returned to the library and rode his bike parked in the lot. It was just a phenomenon of the changing amount of sunlight converging, but Sangwoo thought the darkness was frightening. He shot into the darkness and it triggered his anxiety and made his hair stand on end.

   ‘I should have bought tickets beforehand.’

   ‘At the very least, I should find ghost tickets.’

   ‘I should ask everyone who goes in to sell tickets at five times the regular price.’

   Sangwoo felt an overwhelming sense of regret for what had already passed.

   He couldn’t stand how pitiful he was, missing what he wanted while letting go.  When he entered the familiar alley, he hit the brakes to lower his speed. Sweat dripped unknowingly from his body, causing his black T-shirt to stick to his back. After locking his bike in the bike parking area, he walked into the building weakly. There were more advertising flyers inside than just a few days ago, torn at the entrance.

    “Damn it, didn’t I say not to put these here?”

   Sangwoo forcefully pulled the tightly stuffed flier out, and after doing so twice, he found some utility bill payment notices and bank debt statements inside. Sangwoo pulled out those documents at once and held them up as he climbed the stairs.

    ________________________________________.

[1]      OCJP, “Oracle, Certified, Java, Programmer.” Certification of skills and knowledge of programmers in the language Java, divided into 5 levels, including Oracle Certified Associate (OCA), Oracle Certified Professional (OCP), Oracle Certified Master (OCM), Oracle Certified Expert (OCE), and Oracle Certified Specialist (OCS). 

[2]      Linux Master. Certification from a comprehensive assessment of overall ability in using the Linux system. Certification is only valid at the national level and the examination is conducted by the Korea Association for Information Promotion and Communication. 

   ________________________________________. 

    

      SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

SMNTCERR, Chapter 88: #6. 

   [Love, 戀愛] 

   Intimate relationship between two people in love, based on physical attraction of human bodies. 

   “…”

   The definition made Sangwoo feel the heat rising from his throat and made his face gradually turn red.

   “X and Y are dating. Isn’t that right?”

   In that moment, Sangwoo felt a familiar feeling, which was the anger that always erupted every time he argued with his sister. His sister often dismissed his arguments as unimportant without any solid evidence. ‘It seems like all the artsy kids are like that.’ Sangwoo contemplated.

   “You probably don’t know anything, and just listen properly.”

   Sangwoo explained to Jihye in a slightly annoyed tone about the relationship between human lifestyles and social institutions. In history, social structures were established in a way that benefitted the development and prosperity of humanity, and since dating supported the core system [1], such as marriage, it emphasized that men who cannot give birth to new life cannot date each other.

   “…and that’s why there is only dating and marrying someone of the opposite sex that becomes the norm and is legally accepted.”

   Sangwoo spoke fervently before grabbing a bottle of water from his bag and drinking it. Jihye simply hugged her chest and listened quietly before searching for something on her mobile phone and speaking.

   “I will present a case for you to listen to, same-sex marriage is a trend that is favored by laws worldwide. There are fifteen countries that accept same-sex couples as a legal relationship, mainly developed countries such as North

   America, Europe, and so on.”

   “…”

   Then the woman presented a married couple living without children, and mentioned the group, DINKs [2], with tubal ligation or vasectomy, she proved step by step that marriage is not a prerequisite for having children. At the same time, dating is not a prerequisite for marriage. Then she firmly confirmed that humans can live according to their instincts in the prehistoric era, but as civilization advances, it evolves in a way that values ethics and individual freedom.

   Jihye, who was ready to fight with information, couldn’t be compared to her older sister who stubbornly clung to her own thoughts. Sangwoo felt a crisis because he was confident in general knowledge and scientific knowledge, but had little interest in contemporary events and knew almost nothing about samesex marriage or DINKs, so it was difficult for him to argue.

   “People who belittle the value of love, which is a human right like my sister, are no different from uncivilized people!”

   “…Calm down. You’re overreacting.”

   At that moment, Jihye, who had spoken for a full eight minutes without a pause, closed her mouth. Although Sangwoo understood the importance she was trying to convey, he was still not swayed.

   Although it can be said that humans have become more civilized and overcome some of their uncivilized behavior, every action has a purpose. Humans eat to have energy, sleep to rest their bodies, and have sex to reproduce. In the end, dating and marriage are just incidental results that occur for the purpose of procreation and raising stable children. Although there are people who date without getting married or get married without having children as Jihye mentioned, it does not mean that those actions are logical.

   “If not getting married or having children, what is the meaning of dating?

   Isn’t it just a waste of time?”

   When Jihye heard the question that Sangwoo raised, she seemed lost in thought and remained silent for about a minute before making eye contact with him.

   “Sunbae, why do you eat rice?”

   “Because I need a source of power.”

   “Oh, really, then… Why did you go to school?”

   “I will have a higher chance of surviving when I increase our expertise in my major and succeed socially.”

   “Yes, that’s true, um… um… oh! Why do you play games?”

   “…”

   Sangwoo felt a sense of unease as if he had stepped into a trap. Jihye lowered her eyes with a smile as if she could sense his feelings. Although Sangwoo tried to pretend that he didn’t feel anything, he was sweating.

   “Um… to stimulate the desire to overcome and provide meaning to life, and to have beneficial aspects such as knowledge, and so on. And…”

   “That’s the result, what I’m asking about is different goals.”

   Sangwoo, trapped by Jihye’s thoughts, was spinning around looking for a way to escape, but there was no way out. Gaming was an exception in his life because it was something he did without any purpose.

   “Because it’s fun. Isn’t that right?”

   “…Yes.”

   “Well then, it doesn’t contribute to the prosperity of mankind. You don’t have to play games anymore, it’s a waste of time.”

   Jihye smiled faintly. Sangwoo thought he didn’t need to listen to what the other side was trying to say, he seemed to understand… Jihye paused for a moment before reiterating to Sangwoo with a confident expression.

   “Having a boyfriend is like playing a game, you see. Generally, people date because they like the other person so much that they can’t stand it anymore, but I myself don’t really know.”

   “…”

   He opened his mouth, but couldn’t come up with a reason to argue back. Sangwoo was at a loss for words. Jihye used the hammer of logic to destroy the foundation of his stand.

   Suddenly, in Sangwoo’s mind, there were images of the nights he spent with Jang Jaeyoung, flashing by like a fast-paced movie. He worked and had sex with the other party, but then Sangwoo realized that the time he didn’t spend with Jaeyoung on those things seemed even longer.

   ‘Useless.’

   There is no denying the fact that it was a wasteful use of time. Jaeyoung often slid next to him and tempted him to play, sometimes playing something provocative that distracted him. However, those seemingly useless moments, which were etched in Sangwoo’s memory without missing a beat, also left a positive impression. Sangwoo felt the pain and tightly clenched his fists.

   “If I try to go back to the beginning, the fact that X and Y couldn’t be in a relationship because they were the same gender is not correct. Because they were already in a relationship, even if it’s called a mistake that they shouldn’t have an identity of being a couple, that doesn’t make all the characteristics of dating disappear.”

   ‘I lost.’

   Sangwoo bit his lip as if he had been repeatedly killed, just like everyone who studied humanities unreasonably. When Jihye saw Sangwoo’s face, she took a breath.

   “For now, it’s not about winning a debate against me, I have a class at one o’clock in the afternoon, but now I have to skip lunch to help you here.”

   “At least go now.”

   “There’s only ten minutes left to go eat something. Hurry up.”

   Jihye fell silent for a moment before looking into Sangwoo’s eyes and speaking with a serious expression.

   “Please tell Mister X, to stop doing useless things and take care of the person he loves. Go do something for them. The other party said he would go…”

   “…and as I said, they are not dating.”

   “And he should tell Y that if he really wants to go, damnit… Jokingly, I pray five hundred times that they won’t survive.”

   “…”

   “It’s so frustrating. After the exam, I’ll probably have to go get my eyes checked.”

   Jihye ‘s face looked blankly and looked at the sky as if she were an actress in a film. Then, she lifted her bag and stood up from her seat.

   “Fight on, Mister Chu. You can do it.”

   Before Sangwoo could respond, she smiled and left the classroom. ‘That’s strange.’ 

   Sangwoo sat quietly in an empty room for a long time.

   He reflected on the arguments he had had with Jihye multiple times, but in the end, he had to accept, with no other choice, that his standpoint had been annihilated. His life had always been about victories. First place, a hundred points, an example for others, the ultimate.

   He was unfamiliar with losing logically in an argument. No, it wasn’t just this time. Lately, all he had were memories of defeat, of being disturbed, disconcerted, intimidated, influenced, deprived, shaken, and stolen from. But the unfamiliar feeling wasn’t just because of the feeling of loss.

   ‘Even if you say black sheep shouldn’t exist, that won’t make them disappear.’ 

   Jihye’s words lingered in his mind. No matter how much she emphasized to herself that it was a feeling she shouldn’t feel, that she mustn’t feel, and that it was inappropriate, the persistent mistake remained and couldn’t be erased.

   ‘The desire that blossoms on the physical foundation.’ 

   A small hypothesis had a great impact on Sangwoo’s calm and peaceful world, lowering it to 99°C. Then, the month starting at 100°C, the moment he accepted that the time he spent with Jang Jaeyoung was dating. Sangwoo was disturbed by the desire to do everything with the other person.

   Working together, living together, exercising together, playing games together, eating together, watching movies together, sleeping together, studying together, taking pictures together, buying clothes together, and everything else that came to mind, the strange and constant desire turned into a feeling of wanting to live together in one house, get married, have a child similar to the other person, and the feeling was so intense that it seemed abnormal, clearly showing that he had gone so far as to make a goal that would never be true in biology.

   ‘Have you gone crazy, Chu Sangwoo?’ 

   Sangwoo tapped his head with his fist. It didn’t matter if the time he spent with Jang Jaeyoung was love or not and whether or not he could be with the other person. It no longer had any meaning. In less than a month, July will come. By then, it would be useless, truly useless.

   ‘What do you want me to do?’ 

   The question Jaeyoung left behind was no different from a riddle.

   “What can I do? Nothing at all.”

   Sangwoo pondered to himself, rising from his seat without realizing that lunch break had ended, and students for the next class were gradually entering the room.

   Sangwoo headed towards the cafeteria, his steps scattered, and he grabbed two spoons and a fork so he could eat with just one spoon, like during military training. His throat hurt because he didn’t clean the fish bone properly.

   “Sangwoo-Sunbae. Sangwoo!”

   Someone called out to Sangwoo on the way to the library, and instantly, he heard footsteps following, with the figure of someone walking beside him.

   “Hey, sunbae. I bought this for you.”

   A male student offered a plastic cup containing a black beverage, but Sangwoo waved his hand in refusal.

   “I already have coffee to drink.”

   “You have fine taste… Then I’ll buy something else for you another time.”

   “No need, why would you buy coffee for me?”

   “Oh, because of you I have got a good score, I have to buy it for you!”

   Does that mean the score from the mini-project presented yesterday was released? When Sangwoo asked what score he received, the other person answered that he got nineteen, the highest score. Hearing that, Sangwoo tilted his head.

   “Strange, they must have deducted one point somewhere.”

   “… It was deducted in the presentation skills, four points. Sorry.”

   The other person apologized repeatedly, but Sangwoo thought it wasn’t important anymore. He had lost interest in scores in this group.

   “Oh, everyone was so excited about the fantastic slide. Sunbae, you didn’t make it yourself, did he?”

   “No, a graphic design student made it.”

   “That’s right… I thought so. Many people want to have that template. Can I send it to them?”

   “No, it’s mine. The rights to view and use it are mine alone. You also should delete it forever.”

   “That is going too far.”

   They walked together to the library. It was a warm sunny day, a hot season that arrived unnoticed, causing even a slight movement to produce sweat along the spine. It had been a long time since anyone walked beside him, but the other side was not the person Sangwoo wanted to be with. He could feel the longing, which, even though strong-willed, covered him.

   “Do you not join coding clubs or academic associations, sunbae?”

   “No.”

   “Why not?”

   “There are plenty of open sources to study programming by yourself, right?

   The experts on the web are better than students.”

   “I’m considering whether to join an academic association next semester or not. So, not joining is better, right?”

   “You decide that yourself.”

   “Hmm. No, please give me some advice.”

   ‘Why are you being so annoying?’ 

   Sangwoo frowned and walked faster. It wasn’t like this before, but now everyone seemed to think he was easy to approach.

   “It seems like a lot of people are leaving there. It’s like a drama club.”

   When he heard the murmuring voices of this junior, his feet immediately stopped. As the other side said, at the point he pointed to, there were many people gathered together. 

   ________________________________________.

[1]      Core, or the brain of the CPU, used for primary processing. In this case, Sangwoo probably compares social structure to a computer, and one of the main components of that structure is employment. 

[2]      DINKs, “Double, Income, No, Kids.” The lifestyle of modern people who focus on dual income, getting married and living together without children. 

    

      SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

SMNTCERR, Chapter 87: #5. 

   [Jaeyoung, I can’t let it be like this anymore. In terms of feelings, I like you now… Unlike what we agreed on initially. I’ve never been like this before, so I’m scared and can’t think about what will happen if you leave. 

   So from now on, let’s stop seeing each other.]  

   [Jaeyoung, I can’t let it be like this anymore. In terms of feelings, I…] 

   [Hyung Jaeyoung] 

   [Hyung] 

   [Hyung, I am currently in the midst of exams, so I will not be attending the meeting on Sunday. After that, we will work separately without needing to have meetings. _02:31.] 

–     [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : I am going to buy glasses, can you recommend which ones are good? _02:33.] 

–     [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : “Sent a picture.” _02:33.]  – [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : “Sent a picture.” _02:33.] 

   [Have you read my message? _02:34.] 

–     [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : I have read it. _02:34.] – [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : Choose 1 or 2 quickly. 

   _02:35.] 

   [1. Please give me the price. My current glasses are broken, so I need to replace them. I will reimburse you. _02:36.] 

   [How should I provide you with the price? _02:38.] 

   [Just give me the price. _02:40.] 

   The world rotates around itself and revolves around the sun with the same speed and direction as yesterday, bringing a new day filled with freshness.

   However, Sangwoo’s world, which was destroyed due to chaos, still remained in a state of darkness, a desolate space covered with feelings of desolation and loneliness, leaving only a semblance of an unenlightened morality, as if the true essence that made up Sangwoo had been taken away by the passing storm.

   Sangwoo lived his life like a soulless robot, whether it was Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. But his habitual nature of going to university according to the designated time, attending classes, and sitting in the same spot without understanding anything, remained unchanged.

   He was chronically ill with a disease that did not even exist in the medical dictionary, a disease that was deeply buried in his mind and refused to leave, causing a great disturbance to his life. This disturbing disease crept deep into Sangwoo’s mind during his fetal stage. Once he became aware of these feelings, the symptoms of the disease, called distress, immediately appeared, overwhelming him without any means to confront the heavy sadness.

   Sangwoo, who could only regain consciousness when someone passed by his desk, was lost in thoughts to the point where he didn’t even realize that the class had ended.

   Sangwoo pushed his pencil back into the case with a calm expression and closed his textbook. Despite it being a subject he wasn’t good at, and this being a review class before an exam, he didn’t pay attention at all. Last time he skipped class, and this time he came to class but it wasn’t any different from skipping. It was clear that he was destined to fail the upcoming exam.

   As he slowly packed his bag, Sangwoo inadvertently caught a glimpse of a familiar shadow. This clique lived a life detached from reality, almost forgetting about the things they had to do. Sangwoo stopped in front of a female student who was tying her shoelaces. The other side stood up with a blank expression before widening her eyes upon seeing Sangwoo.

   “Hey! No! Hi!”

   Jihye spoke in a hurried and evasive manner, as if she was about to say goodbye. It seemed like the other side had urgent business.

   “Then, goodbye!”

   “Ru Jihye, if you have time, could you please help me a bit?”

   He spoke to the back of the other side, who had a black ponytail.

   Immediately, the girl stopped.

   “Feed me first, and then I’ll do it as a favor. You like this, right?”

   Jihye put her head out of the door and looked left and right. Then she turned back to find Sangwoo again, and lowered her voice as if someone was secretly listening.

   “What’s going on?”

   “Just sit down for a moment.”

   Sangwoo thought it wouldn’t be appropriate to stand and talk, so he walked to a seat, and Jihye hesitated. Then she sat down and left one seat empty.

   Sangwoo started playing a beta test version of a game on his phone and handed it to the girl.

   “This is the game I’m working on.”

   “Oh, um… wait. Did you make this?”

   “Yes, I’m in the test phase, so I wanted a skilled gamer to play it a bit.”

   Hearing that, Jihye smiled shyly and placed her phone on Sangwoo’s desk again before speaking.

   “I’m really not good at playing games. I don’t think I can help.”

   “Not long ago, you said that you were the number one Tetris player in elementary school.”

   Sangwoo took out five food coupons from his pocket and placed them in front of the girl.

   “I’ll give you these coupons. And I’ll treat you to a meal. I understand that you’re busy because of exams, but it only takes thirty minutes for the test and a short review. Here, it’s a special offer based on the minimum wage.”

   “…No, I can’t do that. I would definitely die.”

   “I guess you don’t really want to waste your time.”

   Sangwoo sighed, but he understood, so he put the food coupons back in his pocket. Jihye glanced at him quietly before speaking up.

   “The atmosphere around you has changed, sunbae.”

   This was the second time he had heard these words. Sangwoo smirked to himself, the first time he heard it, he thought it might be true, but this time it didn’t sound too good.

   “In what way?”

   “Hmm…, you seem a bit more gentle. Were you more domineering before? Making me feel like a… doll, a little too much. Oh well, don’t mind me, it’s just my personal opinion.”

   Maybe he’s softer, more tender, and his heart is more vulnerable. Plus, he was overwhelmed by emotions. Sangwoo took a deep breath, and Jihye noticed his reaction. 

   “Are you okay?”

   “Not at all.”

   “I’m sorry.”

   When he looked at his watch, he realized that it was already time for a meal, but Sangwoo didn’t care. At this point, his daily life had collapsed completely. So even if he deviated from the schedule for a few minutes, it wouldn’t be a problem.

   “What about you? How is school going?”

   “It’s… the same as before.”

   “I’m jealous.”

   If he could go back to living a certain, predictable, and unbroken life, he would long for the time when he felt no pain or sorrow.

   “Look, you’ve really changed. If it were before, you would have jumped up immediately when I said I didn’t want to be a tester anymore.”

   “That’s true.”

   Sangwoo tilted his head. Wondering why he was still having a meaningless conversation even though he was finished, he thought he should get up. But at that moment, he recalled a previous conversation.

   “That person bought all the coffee that you drank.”

   “I just ordered it online, it will be delivered within one day. There shouldn’t be any problem.”

   Thirteen weeks ago, during the first week of the school semester, Sangwoo opened up about the difficulties in his life to Jihye, and Jihye surprised him with flexible problem-solving advice. Although it may have been useless, Sangwoo still valued the mindset of a woman who didn’t conform.

   “Hahaha… Well then, I’ll go now. I’m sorry I couldn’t help!”

   “Wait.”

   Sangwoo’s hesitation made Jihye, who was in a half-sitting, half-standing position, sit down again. She laughed with a puzzled expression on her face.

   “…Why?”

   “I have a quiz to ask you. If you agree to participate, I will give you food vouchers.”

   Sangwoo took out five food vouchers from his wallet and placed them on the table again. Jihye twisted her face in a strange manner before using her nails to touch her forehead.  “Quiz, you say?”

   “Hmm, do we have a deal?”

   “Wait a second… Okay, fine. But it’s not just because of the food vouchers, I mean… It’s like, as long as I only have to cook, I’ll do anything, it’s just that you misunderstood, sunbae.”

   Even though Jihye raised her hand to reject, Sangwoo still threw the food vouchers onto Jihye’s table. Jihye had a conflicted expression but still put the food vouchers in her bag. Then Sangwoo began to speak.

   “To protect your privacy, I won’t disclose the people’s real names. But let’s just say there are people named X and Y.”

   “Yes.”

   “But, X…likes Y.”

   Jihye resisted a smile and looked uncomfortable. It was exam season, and it was annoying to have to listen to something meaningless. Sangwoo took a deep breath and opened his mouth again.

   “Um…X likes Y you know…”

   In order to protect personal information and cut off emotions, he replaced the names with English letters. Although he achieved the first goal, he couldn’t achieve the second one. Sangwoo felt his face twisting and reached into his bag to take out water to drink and challenge himself again. “X likes Y.”  This time as well, he couldn’t move on to the next step.

   “Oh my. And how does that work?”

   “…”

   It seemed like the time stretching on would make Jihye annoyed. Seeing it from her perspective, having to quickly answer questions in order to go eat, that was a reasonable display of emotions. Sangwoo paused with a frustrated face.  “But, Y has to go far away.”

   “Oh.”

   “X wants to be with Y from now on, but it can’t happen anymore, so how can

   X overcome this situation? Try answering from X’s perspective.”

   Jihye didn’t look very well. Then she let out a sigh of frustration, and finally her eyes met Sangwoo’s.

   “Sunbae, is your IQ in the single digits?”

   “I have a high IQ.”

   “Well, it’s a way to show nonchalance, don’t misunderstand.”

   Jihye spoke in a muffled voice to prevent Sangwoo from having a chance to speak even a word before raising two fingers.

   “There are only two ways, right? One, hold back.”

   Sangwoo hoped that Jihye would suggest a more creative solution, but he secretly knew it was unlikely. However, he replied patiently.

   “Holding back is not an option. It’s something that has been planned for a long time and is crucial for work.”

   “That’s not my concern, two, follow along.”

   “…”

   The second option was a problem-solving method that Sangwoo had never considered before. So, he decided to consider the alternative suggested by the woman.

   ‘Follow…to America.’ 

   If that’s the case, he wouldn’t have to break up with Jaeyoung. Numerous questions suddenly popped into his head. Sangwoo took a breath and spoke.

   “That issue is as simple as speaking, right? What about education? Existence?

   Visa? Cost of living? Language? And another thing, X also has their life plans.

   It’s not so easy to make a decision without caring about anything.”

   “Then don’t like Y either, because if it’s love, you have to follow it everywhere, right?”

   Jihye spoke as if she were someone who could live solely based on emotions.

   Sangwoo shook his head and slung his backpack over his shoulder.

   “Both of your problem-solving methods are not reasonable enough to help at all. But even so, it doesn’t mean you won’t get the food voucher. Let’s go.”

   “Excuse me? Just wait…why are you asking such strange questions? If you’re in a relationship, people have to communicate and understand each other.” Before getting up, Sangwoo added one more comment.

   “They’re not in a relationship.”

   “What do you mean?”

   Jihye’s eyes widened, and the pleading look in her eyes made him unable to leave. And yeah, it was an important condition. Sometimes he might have to say it from the beginning. Sangwoo avoided the gaze of the woman and spoke quickly.

   “It may sound conflicting with moral principles, but X and Y. Their relationship is only physical.”

   “Huh? Wait a minute… I don’t understand…”

   Jihye pondered as if she didn’t want to believe before speaking to Sangwoo with a serious expression on her face.

   “Why aren’t they together? What are they doing?”

   “They can’t be together.”

   “Why?”

   “I can’t tell you. It’s private.”

   “Just tell me. It’s not about you, it’s about X and Y, here and now.”

   Those words sounded reasonable. Sangwoo took a deep breath before responding calmly.

   “X and Y are the same gender.”

   “So what? Are you kidding?”

   “…Are you mad at me?”

   Jihye assessed Sangwoo’s question and seemed to not understand anything.

   “What do they do when they meet? Just… what?”

   “They do other things. Normal things.”

   “And then what?”

   “Well… eat, sometimes watch a movie, play basketball, sometimes just lie around and do nothing, go for walks, go shopping…”

   “That’s being a couple, isn’t it?”

   “Isn’t it enough that they have more in common than just a single digit IQ.

   How can men be lovers?”

   “…Are you some kind of Wijeongcheoksa [1] from the late Joseon Dynasty?”

   Jihye picked up her mobile phone, quickly touched the screen a few times before handing it to Sangwoo. Sangwoo himself took the communication device with a rough gesture, somewhat violently, as if the other party had provoked him, and found that the browser on the screen was open with a dictionary.

   ________________________________________.

   [1] Wijeongcheoksa is a political movement in the late Joseon Dynasty, adhering to the teachings of Confucian doctrine, which considered homosexuality as non-mainstream. They also opposed the Western influence that spread into Korea. 

    

      SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

SMNTCERR, Chapter 86: #4. 

   “Why did you put that on?”

   “It’s a famous character that impresses people.”

   “Hmm… Delete.”

   The image on the screen quickly changed with the skillful hands of an expert who created a great impression on Sangwoo, even though it was just a presentation of the major subject. Despite complaining, the delicacy in making adjustments without missing any flaws, the cleverness in solving complex problems with the simplest methods, and the expertise in easily controlling all components, even though it seemed haphazard, all of these were parts that made Jaeyoung look fascinating.

   Sangwoo’s gaze shifted from the hands that controlled the keyboard and mouse skillfully to the handsome, smiling face on the side. The things he used to dislike at first, like the red t-shirt, the slouched posture, the golden earrings, the tattoo on his arm, and the slightly trembling knees, now didn’t bother him anymore because they were all part of Jang Jaeyoung. He no longer felt a dislike towards them. Suddenly, Sangwoo felt a strong, overwhelming sensation welling up from the depths of his heart.

   ‘Have I ever met someone as wonderful as you?’

   Psychopath, cancer, garbage, mental illness, laziness, uncontrollable anger, deceitfulness, two-faced, ticking time bomb. Sangwoo recalled the names he had given the other party, far removed from the word ‘worthless’ and a person who possessed characteristics that Sangwoo disliked. But all of a sudden, Sangwoo realized that he no longer cared about those things. The wave of emotions overwhelmed everything that had come before. He had once felt that those qualities were flaws in Jaeyoung and conquered Sangwoo. In the midst of the cocktail of happiness and sadness in a 5:1 ratio, spinning violently…

   “Wow… applying color filters, outlines, and shadows. I really went all out…”

   “I like you, hyung.”

   …Sangwoo cried out, his words didn’t want to be in this metaphorical prison and overflowed out.

   The sound of the mouse clicking stopped, and Jaeyoung’s hand, which had been moving restlessly, also stopped. Then Sangwoo realized that he had said something inappropriate.

   ‘What did I say?’ 

   Sangwoo’s pale brain pondered if he had gotten too excited after finishing the beta test file. His brain was slightly abnormal, his thoughts expanded uncontrollably like when he was drunk, and he blurted out without any filtering or intention.

   ‘Do I… like humans?’

   And on top of that, do I like a human in a romantic way? And the other party is a man? And it’s Jang Jaeyoung? The other party was someone who couldn’t possibly become a lover from the beginning. That was a meaningless and illogical thing.

   Sangwoo raised his head before his gaze met Jaeyoung. He didn’t know when the other party had turned towards him, but he was wearing the most adorable expression he had ever seen.

   “I didn’t hear you clearly, say it again.”

   “I didn’t say anything.”

   “Speak, tell me that you like me.”

   “What do you mean you didn’t hear clearly?”

   Jaeyoung closed his mouth, which was previously wide open, and flashed a sarcastic smile.

   “Come on, speak up again.”

   Sangwoo was stunned, unable to speak, and lowered his gaze. He was already feeling awful. It was truly ironic that the other party was acting like they had encountered something amusing. Sangwoo stood up and walked back to open the door before running out without even having time to grab his bag. He ran as fast as he could, thinking that Jaeyoung would follow soon.

   “Hey! Stop right there!”

   Sangwoo ran as though he was being chased by a dangerous knife-bearing Jaeyoung. He swiftly went down the stairs and ran with all his strength to avoid being caught up. However, Jaeyoung refused to give up and continued to chase.

   ‘I won’t get caught.’ 

   Sangwoo couldn’t think of what the problem was or how to fix it. He was only certain that he didn’t want to be caught by Jang Jaeyoung. He was scared of what the other party would mock him with and what he would do.

   He arrived in front of the Faculty of Engineering without realizing it, and hurriedly stumbled with fear that his speed would decrease. He lowered his head, passed through shrubs, squeezed between two statues, passed through a narrow passage lined with stones, and passed the Faculty of Humanities and Natural Sciences in that order. He thought it would be safe to run this far.

   Then, there was a loud shout from behind.

   “Hey, haven’t you had enough running yet?”

   Sangwoo sprinted once again, and the sound eventually faded away and could no longer be heard. Jaeyoung yelled angrily not to make a scene. He also said it was because of Sangwoo that the other party was able to endure for less than a week even though he had promised not to say anything again. At that moment, Sangwoo found a hiding spot in one corner of the football field.

   “Where did you go? Shouldn’t we talk it out?”

   “…”

   “Damn it, this kid keeps running away… Hey, I’ve been chasing after you halfway around the world, you know.”

   “I have nothing to say, just go away!”

   Sangwoo’s response ended. Jaeyoung immediately ran towards him. Sangwoo took advantage of the rectangular shape of the soccer field and hid on the other side, seeing Jaeyoung standing on the other side of the green net.

   “Just go already. Even if you run for another hundred days, I won’t let you catch me.”

   No matter what Jaeyoung did, he couldn’t catch Sangwoo unless he destroyed the soccer field. So both of them wasted their energy running around the soccer field for three rounds.

   “This is so frustrating, damnit.”

   Jaeyoung leaned against the net and collapsed as if he couldn’t take it anymore. Sangwoo himself also breathed heavily, but fearing that the other side would suddenly rush in, he chose not to sit and stood there adjusting his breathing. They let their heavy breathing dissipate without speaking a word.

   Meanwhile, Jaeyoung sat up.

   “I’ve never met someone as strange as you before.”

   Sangwoo worried that the other side would rush in to find him, so he never took his eyes off the shadow of that person. But Jaeyoung remained calm and sat there, they talked to each other with the soccer field separating them.

   “Come over here first, I have something to say to you, but I don’t want to say it in this situation. Actually, I don’t want to do this either, but I can’t help it.”

   “…I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

   Sangwoo mumbled as if talking to himself before taking a deep breath and then speaking out loud.

   “What I said in the office, I misspoke.”

   “I don’t think so.”

   Jaeyoung responded casually, as if it wasn’t a big deal. This nonchalant attitude annoyed Sangwoo for real.

   “I said it wasn’t, didn’t I?”

   “Oh, today is not it.”

   “I didn’t talk about the day, but I meant the wrong things I said.”

   “If you want time, just tell me clearly how much time you need. I’ve been waiting all along until now, and it’s not a big deal to wait further.”

   Today the questioning was more intense than usual. Sangwoo rubbed his temples, took a deep breath and his heart continued to beat rapidly, but it wasn’t because of physical exhaustion. Once he caught his breath and balanced his breathing, he returned to a state of readiness to move once again.

   “I’m leaving. You don’t have to follow me. If you do, I won’t see you again.”

   “…”

   He shouted like that and ran to the library, not hearing any more sounds behind him.

   After that, Sangwoo couldn’t remember what happened very well. He pedaled his bike in familiarity until he reached home without realizing it, then rushed up the stairs like a storm and poured water down his throat as if furious.

   Sangwoo quickly took off his sweaty clothes and put them in the laundry machine before jumping into a cold shower. After changing into clean clothes, his heart still raced. It was now 19:12. Even though he hadn’t eaten dinner, he didn’t feel hungry at all. Sangwoo didn’t know what it was that made him look around in confusion before slowly sitting down in a chair, resting his forehead on trembling hands and immediately falling asleep.

   ‘I like you, hyung.’ 

   If it were, ‘I need you’, it could be said like that. He didn’t want to believe that he said it like that. It wasn’t a demand. It wasn’t an evaluation. It was an useless and ambiguous statement, his feelings were truly strange, irritating, and sad.

   ‘So, do I like a human?’ 

   It was a phenomenon that means one could be so special that nothing could replace them. It was a dangerous feeling that left the country’s leaders in despair and even the smartest person became foolish. Sangwoo knew that liking someone was a dangerous misunderstanding. There were many doctors who could treat sex addiction, but there was no record of heartache in the medical dictionary. 

   Did he really say that? Normally, Sangwoo does not lie, but this time his consciousness was not quite with himself, so he kept speaking without pause. Sangwoo held his head, which was throbbing, with both hands and tried to analyze his actions in the past. 

   [5/29, Jang Jaeyoung’s house. 

   5/28, Bar in Yeonseokdong. 

   5/25, Han River, Jang Jaeyoung’s car. 

   5/24, Home. 

   5/22, Home. 

   5/19, Department store…] 

   Looking at it from a neutral perspective in the third person, his actions can mostly be explained by a strong sexual desire. However, it is clear that there are some parts that are not. For example, on Wednesday, May 29th, after waking up at Jaeyoung’s house, Sangwoo had the opportunity for intimacy but he did not act on it.

   That day became a strange and pleasant memory despite not releasing any sexual desires or doing much. Sangwoo simply ate the meal prepared by Jaeyoung, had meaningless conversations, and then left the movie playing while napping together. Sangwoo felt disappointed when he thought about how warm the pea soup was, how much he wanted to steal Jaeyoung’s picture, and how exciting the image on the other side of sleep made his heart race.

   “I have lost.”

   Sangwoo clenched his fist and let it fall heavily onto the table, thump. The more he thought about the time they spent together, the more his confidence decreased, beyond his sexual organ. There were many other noticeable points that went beyond their physical relationship.

   The crease on the nose when the other side sneezed, the neatness of his hand holding the mouse, the sculpted muscles on his back when he stretched lazily, the corners of his eyes when he smiled mischievously, the alignment of his teeth, how his hair reflected and shimmered in the sunlight.

   How good did he feel when he heard the low-pitched voice calling his name, how often he laughed because of constant teasing, and at the same time, how fast his heart raced because of the sincere words spoken by the other side. When he thought about the arm that was tightly wrapped around his shoulder and the soft touch on his forehead. Sangwoo could feel the sense of defeat.

   He remembers how funny it was during junior high when he found out that his older sister liked a male classmate. His sister talked about that guy all day and made a disgusted face. When he teased her saying she was strange and silly, he was slapped several times. At that time, his sister made a fuss and asked their mother to buy her new clothes, and then her classes ended and she came home late. She even said she would go find that male student on the weekend and be Sangwoo, who laughed and teased her, without consciousness.

   But Sangwoo did even more than that. He dressed in clothes that Jaeyoung liked and went out to drink expensive alcohol at a liquor store in the lively area to demand attention from the other side. He even secretly investigated

   Jaeyoung’s past and even kissed him while he was asleep. If it was about Jaeyoung, he was ready to destroy the planned life and spent the whole day thinking about the other side.

   It’s not that his sexual preference was for handsome young men with tall figures and brown eyes. It’s not that he didn’t like guys who had poor appearances compared to Jaeyoung, but it’s just because those people weren’t Jaeyoung.

   Sangwoo slowly sank onto the table with a feeling of despair, unable to predict the charms and mysteries of Jang Jaeyoung. At first, he came in and disrupted the tranquility of his daily life. Then he woke up to Sangwoo’s sexual desires, making him unable to stand being alone, and in the end, even fought for his heart. Here, there was a foolish person who liked men and couldn’t be together with the handsome hyung again, instead of being a heterosexual in the appropriate age range to get married and have good health.

   “I have lost completely.”

   Until now, if he liked something, Sangwoo just bought it and it was over. However, no matter how much he liked something, he couldn’t possess it, it happened for the first time and was something that would soon be gone. 

   And then Sangwoo had to face his own Semantic Error, which controlled his world. 

   return 0; 

    

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