SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 3: Torfun

   Those eyes…full of disappointment.

   I looked down to avoid the gaze, my chest hurting so much I could barely breathe, both hands clenched and numb. I tried to keep my lips tight to hold back the sobs.

   Please…don’t look at me with those eyes, can you?

   Please, I beg you.

   “So…you lied, didn’t you?”

   “…”

   “It’s not good, both what you did and lying to me too.”

   “Hic…”

   “Is there anything else you’ve been lying to me about?”

   “…”

   I had no answer, no words, letting tears drip down onto my hands uncontrollably, overwhelmed by fears I couldn’t handle.

   Phii Fah knows…

   “Going out to drink at night, huh? I can’t remember you being that kind of naughty child when we were young. I thought me and Fan had always taught you to be a good kid.”

   “…”

   “To be honest, I’m disappointed.”

   “…”

   “Phoon, you hurt everyone’s feelings, especially Fan’s. If you hadn’t gone out that day, none of this would have happened. Do you know that you’re at fault?”

   “…Yes.”

   “Also…I don’t like liars.”

   “…”

   “And I can’t forgive someone who hurt Fan.”

   !!!

   “I’m sorry…sir.”

   I woke up in the middle of the night, my body covered in sweat, my heart beating so fast it was terrifying, breathing heavily like I was out of breath, and tears still flowing.

Nightmare…I am having a nightmare again.

   I slowly hugged myself with my cold hands to stop the shaking, wiping my tears roughly, but recalling the nightmare about Fan made me sob uncontrollably again.

   It’s okay, Phoon…it was just a nightmare. Just having a nightmare.

   Phii Fah…didn’t say those things.

   I didn’t mean it like that.

   “Ugh…sob” I buried my face in the blanket and cried out. This was the first time I had such a nightmare; before, it was just repeating stories, but this time in the dream I was told by Phii Fah…that he was disappointed in me…and probably couldn’t forgive me.

My hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I always get like this when I have a nightmare so bad it wakes me up; my whole body is covered in sweat, and it takes a while to regain my composure.

But…

I just realized everything around me was dark, and when I found myself in the midst of darkness, I started shaking even more.

I’m afraid of the dark…

Every time I go to sleep, I must keep a light on; I’ve been sleeping with a light on since I was a child. If I’m alone in the dark, it causes me panic and I can’t control my mind.    No, no…my phone, where is my phone?

Why won’t the lamp turn on, come to think of it, the air conditioner…

The power’s out…

I felt around for my phone on the bedside and found it, quickly turning on the flashlight. At least there was some light. Normally, I would have a flashlight or candles in my room for such power outages, but since I just moved into the dorm, I hadn’t prepared them yet.

It must be because of the power outage, my phone only charged a little.

The battery is going to die, what should I do?

I slowly moved to get out of bed, and I fell when trying to stand up because my legs had no strength.

“Mrs. Nuannoi.”

“…”

Ah, I’m not at home, I forgot. Normally, in emergencies like this, I would call for the housekeeper, but now I’m alone with no one to help.    I sat on the floor for nearly three minutes before I could manage to stand up, stepping out to crack the door open, only to find everything was pitch black. Initially, I thought if there were some lights on, I’d go down to the convenience store at the bottom of the dorm, but with no lights at all like this, there’s no way I’d dare to go anywhere.

   Or should I turn on the flashlight and quickly run downstairs?

   No. I can’t, it’s too dark.

   I’m not afraid of ghosts or anything like that. I’m just afraid of the dark. I feel suffocated and can’t breathe because of bad memories associated with it, especially if it’s dark and cramped. I almost feel like passing out, like I am now…

   What should I do?

   All I could do was open the window to let some air in, but I didn’t dare move around much because it was completely dark. What should I do at a time like this?

   I checked the time on my phone. It’s a little after eight in the evening. After buying the hyacinth with Phii Fah, he dropped me off at the dorm. We didn’t talk much or discuss telling Fan about it, and being tired, I dozed off around ten.

   Phii Fah…

   Although I didn’t want to disturb him, I didn’t know what else to do.

I decided to open LINE and send a message to Phii Fah.

   -dust-: Phii Fah

   -dust-: Are you free to talk?

   No response. Not even read, maybe he’s not available.

Ah…that’s right, Mona said she would call, this time is suitable for a call, so Phii Fah probably isn’t available to talk to me.

Or should I try to borrow a candle or flashlight from the next room?

That might be good, they might have one.

And while I was pondering this…

Tf: Is there something wrong?

   -dust-: The lights in my dorm are out.

   Tf: Okay.

   And then…what should I do next? Phii Fah didn’t respond further, seemingly waiting for me to continue. Right, what should I ask him to help with?

-dust-: So…uh. I don’t have candles or a flashlight.

   -dust-: The battery is almost dead.

   -dust-: I’m scared.

   Tf: Oh, still afraid of the dark?

   -dust-: Yes.

   Tf: How much battery do you have left?

   -dust-: 15%.

   Incoming call from: Tf.

   I was slightly startled when Phii Fah suddenly called.

“Yes,” I answered with a trembling voice.

(What room are you in?)

“Yes? Uh, 302.”

(Then, Phii Fah will come to pick you up, keep the line open, okay?)

“Yes.”

And then Phii Fah’s voice went silent, turning into sounds of halfwalking, half-running, then into the sound of starting a car and the engine moving. Phii Fah was coming to get me.

While waiting alone in the completely dark room, I was so scared I was about to lose my mind, but seeing that my phone screen was still connected to someone, and knowing he was on the other end, made me feel a bit comforted.

At least, there’s still Phii Fah.

Like there always has been…

   “No, Dad, no, I am scared, I am sorry.”

   My childhood self, I can’t remember how old I was, but I clearly remember it was a Saturday when no one was home except Dad. Mom had taken Fan out since morning. I was lonely with no one to play with, so I snuck into Dad’s study and accidentally broke a vase.    Dad, seeing this, got angry, dragged me by my wrist forcefully out of the house. I tried my hardest to resist, my face smeared with tears from guilt and fear.

   “Dad, I am hurt.”

   “How many times have I told you not to come into the study!” Dad yelled at me, his large hand grabbing my ear.

   “Ouch, it hurts, it hurts, I am sorry. I won’t do it again, please,” I tried to say to make him let go, before he dragged me out to the storage room outside the house, “No, I am scared, I don’t want to go in.”

   “Go in! So you’ll learn your lesson!” And Dad pushed me into the storage room. The last image I saw was his angry, fearsome face before the light slowly faded as the door closed. I heard the lock click, which made me even more upset.

   “Dad! Dad! No, I am scared, please let me out, I’m sorry,” I cried out, my little hands pounding on the storage room door with all my might.

But there was no reply anymore.

   No…

   Dad…I’m really scared.

   Dad…

   “Hic, hoo, hoo,” I started crying harder, unable to bear the darkness inside anymore, the pitch-black, damp, and cramped storage room where I could barely breathe.

   I started to fear the dark and confined spaces since Dad locked me in the storage room. Last time, I was locked in here almost the whole day.

   The darkness was terrifying in my childhood memories. I didn’t know what was in that darkness. I didn’t know if something would come out to hurt me. I felt suffocated. I was scared; it was cramped.

No light could seep in except through the tiny gap under the door.

   I was scared…

   I couldn’t breathe.

   I quickly turned and pressed my back against the wall, looking into the darkness, afraid something might be lurking there. I sat down, curling up as small as I could.

   “Hic, hic…hoo.”

   “Help…help,” I trembled with fear. Should a child of just a few years old be punished by being locked in a storage room for nearly a whole day? I sobbed and screamed at the same time.

   “Sorry, Dad…let me go, I am sorry, I won’t go into the study again.” “Dad…Dad, I am sorry, I didn’t mean to break the vase.”    “Dad…Dad, please help me.”

   I shouted out, but there was no response. I hoped the butler or housekeeper would come to help me out like last time, but during this holiday, no one was around.

   No one would be here until Fan comes back.

   Fan…can you come back to me soon?

   I don’t want this anymore. No more. No. Not like this anymore, I’m sorry, I am scared…help me.

   Why…why did Mom take Fan out to play and not take me too? I wanted to play too.

   But it’s okay…Mom said I had to stay and watch the house with Dad. Otherwise, Dad would be lonely, and Fan said she would bring back some snacks. I was just afraid Dad would be lonely, so I wanted to go play.

   But I ended up breaking the vase…

   “Hiccup, sob.”

   “Phoon.”

   “Phii Fah!”

   “Are you inside?”

   “Phii Fah, help me!” I forced myself to stand up immediately upon hearing Phii Fah’s voice from outside, “Phii Fah, I am scared, I don’t want this anymore, let me out!” I banged on the door to urge the person outside to hurry and open it.

“Calm down,” before I heard the sound of unlocking the door, but the door only opened slightly, “There’s a chain, I can’t open it.”    Oh, right…the storage room outside the house has an external lock, but to prevent theft, Dad had added a chain for extra security, so even after unlocking, there’s still a chain holding it, making the door open only a little because of the chain.

   “Phii Fah, can you go talk to Dad, please let me out?” I cried out in distress, but it was a relief that I could see outside since the door was slightly ajar.

   “I saw uncle leave the house a while ago.”

   But mom said dad would be lonely without me…

   “Phii Fah…hic, hoo, I am scared, please get me out.”

   “Hold on, I will go find the key.”

   “Okay, please hurry back.”

   “Okay.”

   I saw Phii Fah run off, and almost ten minutes later, he came back panting.

   “No one’s home, and there’s no key either. Did uncle take it with him?”

   “Hic, hoo, yes, dad probably took it with him,” I cried even harder knowing I wouldn’t get out easily, “And…how did Phii Fah know where I was?”

   “I heard the noise, so I came to check.”

There’s a gate between my house and Phii Fah’s house for easy access, so we don’t have to go around to the front door, and the storage room here is close to the wall.    “Phii Fah, I am scared, I am scared, it’s dark.”

   “It’s okay, I am here now.” His gentle voice made me feel a bit better, but still, Phii Fah was outside.    “But you are outside, it’s dark in here.”

   “Reach your hand out.”

   I reached my hand out through the slightly ajar door as instructed. Phii Fah took my hand and sat down, leaning against the wall outside the storage room. So I sat down too.

   In the room full of darkness, alone amidst the silence and fear, there was one hand always there to support me.

   It might be dark, it might be scary, but I wasn’t alone.

   We sat there, holding hands through the door gap. Phii Fah sat with me for hours without leaving. We talked about various things as if nothing was wrong.

   At that moment…the darkness wasn’t scary at all.

   Since then, I’ve been afraid of that storage room, because it wasn’t just once that I was locked in there. Many times, no one came to help, and my fear of the dark became so severe that I still sleep with the light on to this day.

   When Fan found out that when she wasn’t around, I was punished like that by Dad, she pleaded for him not to do it again, but Dad did.

Perhaps because Dad didn’t want to hit me like Mom did, locking me up was less bothersome, so he wouldn’t have to see me and be annoyed.

   It…was quite cruel, the memories from childhood.

   Knock, knock.

I turned sharply towards the door upon hearing the knock.

“Phoon.”

Phii Fah…

I quickly walked over to open the door, seeing Phii Fah standing outside, with no sign of the lights coming back on in the dorm.

“Have you packed your things?”

“Huh?”

“Packed your things.”

“Why pack?”

“To stay in my room first.”

“…”

“Or maybe go outside first, wait for the power to come back then come back, but I am not really free right now.”    “Oh…okay then. I’ll go pack my things for a moment.”

“Sure.” I invited Phii Fah to sit inside while waiting, since the power outage made it hard to see. I slowly turned on the phone flashlight and went to pack my things.

Staying in Phii Fah’s room…will it really be okay, Phoon?

“Did you not buy candles or a flashlight to keep?” Phii Fah asked.

“I haven’t bought them yet.”

“It would be good to have some in your room.”

“Yes.”

“How long have you been living here?”

“Just a few days ago.”

I answered back, quickly packing my bag, but then I remembered my room…thankfully the lights were out. Otherwise, Phii Fah would have definitely seen Fan’s pictures all over the wall; that would have been too strange.

We slowly walked down the hallway and then down the stairs.

No need to hold hands like when we were kids, right?    It seems like the power is out everywhere around here, so I was right not to go down alone at first. Then we got into the car and went to Phii Fah’s dorm, which is more accurately called a condo. Walking to the elevator, I felt a bit tense because I’d never been here before, and there wasn’t much conversation between us.

We stopped at his door before he unlocked it and we went inside. Phii Fah’s place was a typical, spacious, and well-equipped condo, decorated simply without much clutter. Importantly, it was very clean, with lots of bookshelves.    “Make yourself at home.”

“Okay,” I nodded, then sat down on the sofa, not knowing what to do now that I was here.

This is Phii Fah’s place…

   “If you want to sleep, just let me know, or if you’re feeling sleepy.”    “Oh, not yet,” I said, since I had just woken up and wasn’t that sleepy yet. I glanced around the room a bit before Phii Fah handed me some milk from the fridge, “Thank you.”

“You can watch TV if you want, the bathroom is over there. I’ll excuse myself for a moment.”

“Okay,” I nodded to show I understood, watching him disappear into the bedroom. I saw there was a desk inside the bedroom, and another one outside, which didn’t surprise me much because Phii Fah likes reading.

When I said the lights at my dorm were out, he came to pick me up to stay with him.

Phii Nong…do they do this for each other?

If this is normal…then I think I need to guard my heart even more.    I looked at the carton of milk in my hand…chocolate milk. I like chocolate milk, but it must just be a coincidence. I poked a straw into the carton and drank. I didn’t dare turn on the TV because it wasn’t my place, and in that silence, I could hear sounds from the bedroom.

“Oh, I picked up my younger brother; his dorm lost power.”

“Where was I talking about again…”

Who was he talking to? It sounded like they were tutoring…it must have been Mona, I guess. From what I heard, they were tutoring when he had to come pick me up, so he had to hang up, and after picking me up, they continued their call.

   It…feels bad…but I can manage.

   I was sitting on the sofa for almost half an hour until Phii Fah came out of the bedroom, probably done with the tutoring. I looked at him.

   “Are you going to sleep yet?”

“Uh…yes.”

“Then you can sleep in the bedroom.”

“Uh, I can sleep on the sofa.”

“How can you?” Phii Fah said, “Come sleep in the bedroom, I’ll sleep outside.”    “Uh…”

“Come on.”

“Okay.” I had to get up and walk to the bedroom, not having expected to sleep together like this, and just as I thought, Phii Fah said he would sleep on the sofa.

Why…is he so kind?

“If you need anything, just call out.”

“Yes.” Before Phii Fah arranged the bed a little and walked out of the bedroom, closing the door behind him. I looked around the room in confusion. I never thought I’d sleep in Phii Fah’s room; inside, there’s almost nothing, everything is very neat and orderly.    I should be the one sleeping on the sofa. I walked out to open the door and saw Phii Fah setting up the bed by the sofa outside.

“Phii Fah.”

“Yes?” Phii Fah turned towards me when I called.

“I should sleep on the sofa. I don’t want to intrude.”

“It’s fine, the bed is more comfortable to sleep on.”

“Uh…”

I was momentarily speechless, this shouldn’t be like this, Phii Fah is the owner of the room after all.

“Well…then, we can sleep together…if that’s okay,” I decided to say, since the bed is wide enough, making the owner sleep on the sofa wouldn’t be right, and since we’re both guys, sharing a bed shouldn’t be an issue.

“It’s okay, you can have the bed.”

“…Okay.”

“Goodnight.” Phii Fah said.

“Yes, goodnight.”

I closed the bedroom door when he mentioned goodnight, placed my bag beside the desk, and he offered me the bed while he took the sofa. It showed his gentlemanly nature, and to make it clear there were no ulterior motives.

Okay…

“Phii Fah,” I opened the door again, calling out, “Thank you.”    He nodded slightly and smiled. I closed the door once more and returned to sit on the bed, which had light gray sheets and a duvet with no patterns. I lay down and caught the scent of the bed’s owner.

   When we were kids, I remembered the smell of both Phii Fah and Fan well.

   But now…I’ve forgotten those scents.

   The smell of Fan has completely faded from her bed and belongings. I took the liberty of using many of her things to keep her memory alive, like her stationery or some clothes that I could wear, including Fan’s mobile phone.

   I turned on the bedside lamp and turned off the room light, lying down, but no matter how I turned, I couldn’t sleep, probably because I wasn’t used to the bed. Almost half an hour had passed, and I still couldn’t sleep.

   Will I not sleep at all tonight…

   After a while, I heard the door open. I lifted my head to look.

   “You’re still not asleep?” Phii Fah asked, seeing I was still awake.

“Uh, yeah, I can’t sleep.”

“Is the bed uncomfortable?”    “No,” I shook my head.

“Hmm, do you need to sleep with the light on?” Phii Fah raised his eyebrows slightly in surprise before walking towards me. I got up to sit on the bed, “I thought you might be able to sleep with the lights off by now.”

“I can’t.”

“Having the light on might prevent you from sleeping deeply.”    “Yes,” I nodded, knowing that sleeping with the light on isn’t good because it prevents deep sleep, but if I turned off all the lights, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

“Want to try sleeping with the light off?”

“It’s…I can’t.”

“Try it, maybe it’ll get better.”

“I’ve tried, but I really can’t,” I said softly.

“Then I will stay with you, and you can try.” Before Phii Fah sat down on the bed next to me, “If you’re scared, you can hold my hand.”    “…” I was silent because I didn’t know what to say; was Phii Fah’s kindness going too far? I reached out and took the hand that was already extended towards me.

This…shouldn’t be like this.

As phii nong.

It shouldn’t be.

And then Phii Fah reached over and turned off all the lights in the room. I was startled by the sudden darkness, but when Phii Fah gently squeezed my hand in a comforting manner, I felt less panicked. I lay back down, closing my eyes, with Phii Fah holding my hand, sitting beside me.

“Will you stay until I fall asleep?”

“Yes, if you fall asleep, then I will go sleep outside.”

“Okay, goodnight.”

“Yes.”

I held onto that warm hand, not willing to let go because of fear, but after a while, I drifted off to sleep more easily than I ever had before.

Tonight…was the first night in two years that I slept soundly.

I woke up groggily in Phii Fah’s bed, noticing the soft morning light filtering through the curtains. I picked up my phone to check the time; it was just past eight. I unplugged my phone from the charger and walked out of the bedroom.

“You’re awake?” Phii Fah immediately asked when he saw me. He was sitting at the desk outside, already dressed.

“Yes, sorry for waking up late.”

“It’s fine. Go wash up and get dressed, then we’ll go for breakfast.”    “Okay,” I nodded, grabbed my clothes, and went to take a shower. Once done, I came out. I had never woken up at eight before; it might be early for many, but for me, it was late because I usually wake up around four or five to see the sunrise every morning.

But today, I didn’t see the sunrise.

And I…slept so soundly.

I didn’t wake up with a headache like I usually do. No nightmares either, how nice…to have slept so fully.

“Anything special you want to eat?”

“Uh, no.”

“Okay, oh, right,” Phii Fah said as if he just remembered something,

“Can I have Fan’s LINE ID?”

“…”

“Haven’t talked to her in so long, just want to see how she’s doing.”

“Uh…”

I fell silent for a moment, thinking about what to do. If I said no, it would be strange, and this silence felt even stranger.

“And I can’t forgive someone who hurt Fan.”

   Suddenly, Phii Fah’s words from my nightmare popped into my head.

“Okay, I’ll send it to you.”

I…was the black sheep, and will continue to be.

   I didn’t want to lie like this. I swear…but I was scared. Really scared. There’s no guarantee that Phii Fah won’t get angry or criticize me even for a split second with that look of disappointment in his eyes.

   I’m sorry…but I really can’t handle it.

   “Yes,” Phii Fah responded, before we went out to eat. During that time, I sent Fan’s LINE to Phii Fah, it was the LINE account that Fan used, stored on Fan’s phone which I had kept.

“So, Fan is studying medicine there?”

“Yes.”

“It’s strange that Fan would let you come study here alone like this.”

“Well…I was stubborn and wanted to come by myself.”    Yes…if Fan were still here, she would never have let me come alone.

Now, I don’t even dare to look at Phii Fah’s face because of the guilt filling my heart, along with many other mixed feelings. Because of the nightmare, I’m even more certain that…if Phii Fah knew the truth and spoke to me like he did in the dream, I would shatter again.    And if I shattered again…I might not be able to recover.    We stopped at a restaurant, and as we walked in, people were looking at Phii Fah. In truth, Phii Fah has always been popular, with his looks, demeanor, and everything about him being so appealing that it’s easy to fall in love once you get to know him.

There are hundreds, if not thousands, of people for Phii Fah to choose from…why would someone like me have any right, especially being Typhoon?

We sat at a table by the window, giving us a full view of the street outside. After ordering our food, Phii Fah’s phone rang.

“Excuse me, I need to take this call.”

“Okay.”

“What’s up?”

(Fah, have you bought a gift yet?)

   “Not yet. Don’t know what to get, what about you?”

(Not yet either. They said they wanted a surprise.)

   “What kind of surprise is it?”

(I don’t know, I can’t even think of how it could be a surprise.)

“Maybe don’t bother then. I can’t even think of a gift.”

(I agree, what more could someone like him want?)

“Yeah, that’s why it’s hard. What did Arthit say?”

(Arthit’s in Moscow, probably buying something from there.) “Will he be back in time for the birthday?”

(Don’t know, do you want to go shopping with me?)

   “It’s okay, I’ll go by myself. I’m free today anyway.”

(Okay, tell me what you buy.)

   “I haven’t figured it out yet, I’ll go look around first, find something suitable for him.”

(A smoking cessation course.)

   “You should join him, Hill. I’ll buy one for both of you, quit drinking too.”

(Too late to quit, might as well send him to treat liver cancer.)

   “Yeah, that might be good.”

(Try talking to James and his crew, see if Jo wants anything.)

   “I’ve already asked, James said there’s nothing.”

(Nothing at all?)

   “Hmm, but what he really wants, no one can give him.”

(What is it?)

   “I’d like to know too.”

(Hmm, then let me know too.)    “Alright.”

(Who’s that sitting with you?)

“Did you see me?” (Just passed by.)

“A junior I know.”

(Everyone is someone you know.)

“Huh, why?”

   (No reason, were you with him last night?)

   “Why would you think that?”

(Eating breakfast this far away, if you slept separately, you would have to wake up at six in the morning to pick him up.)

   “You know me well.”

(A junior, you slept together?)

   “Yeah, his dorm had a power outage, he’s afraid of the dark, so I went to pick him up to sleep over.”

(But you slept on the sofa?)

   “Yes.”

(That’s good.)

   “Why?”

(The same old thing we’ve warned you about, Fah.)

   “Understood.”

(How long have you known each other?)

   “For a long time, since we were in Phuket.”

(Close?)

   “Close, our houses were next to each other.”

(Used to be close.)

“Yes. Haven’t seen each other in a while.”

(Hmm, then I’ll hang up for now.)

“Okay, talk to you later.”

(Okay.)

After that, Phii Fah dropped me off at my dorm, saying he had more errands to run. I didn’t forget to thank him again and told him to be careful while driving, even though he’s a good driver. When I opened the door to my room, I found myself letting out a sigh and flopping down on the bed.

I had a full night’s sleep last night, so why do I feel so tired?    I used to think Phii Fah had no boundaries in relationships, but in reality, there are boundaries, like a thin, clear glass. If you don’t get close enough, you won’t see it, and when you try to get close to a certain point, you’ll bump into that glass hard.

It seems like this is as close as I can get…for one younger brother.    I got up to rummage through the drawer under the desk, finding a phone resting there. I picked it up and turned it on.

Add friend from LINE ID

   Phii Fah had already added Fan on LINE. I looked at the screen, confused. The moment I decided to accept the request, my hands wouldn’t stop shaking, nor would my heart, which was beating out of rhythm.

I…    accepted it…

And as soon as I accepted the friend request, Phii Fah sent a message.

Tf: Fan, this is Fah.

   Tf: How are you?

Torfan✿: Doing well.

   Torfan✿: And how are you, Fah?

 SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME 

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 2: White and Purple

   I said goodbye before watching the car I just got out of drive away; Phii Fah had come to drop me off at my dorm. We talked a lot about what had happened during the time we didn’t see each other. There wasn’t anything special. If I had to guess, he probably didn’t think about me at all, moving on to new social circles, new experiences, progressing in his own way.

   In contrast to me, I am still lost.

   But I’m glad, Phii Fah seemed happy to see me. Even if it was just as the neighbor’s younger brother we hadn’t seen in a while.    I walked up to my room feeling tired. Today was quite exhausting because I had been wandering around all day, not to mention the hot sun. I took off my bag and placed my things beside the bed, then took out my camera to look at the pictures I had taken today.

   I was really lucky to capture such a bright sky today, with hardly any clouds.

   It looked so bright today…

   I glanced over at the wall above my desk, which was covered with photos. During the time I was learning photography, I had asked Fan to be my model. At first, she was reluctant, saying she didn’t like being photographed, but she always allowed me to take her picture. We went to many places together just to take photos, so the wall in front of me was filled with those memories.

   It’s strange that I hadn’t thought about it before, but now that Fan isn’t here, all these memories seem to flood back as if to remind me not to forget them. Every photo has a story, and every story has you in it.

   I remember all of them.

   I slumped into the chair at my desk, next to a pile of medical exam preparation books, then a bookshelf, and on the other side, a small drawer on the desk for miscellaneous items. I opened the bottom drawer and found a photo of Fan taken with a film camera.

   This photo is beautiful; I should put it up too…

   I remember I didn’t like the outfit Fan was wearing in this photo because it was too revealing, so she wore an extra shirt over it despite the heat.

   She always gave in to Phoon, no matter what, which is why Phoon became so spoiled. Thinking back to when we were kids, Phii Fah and Fan really did indulge me in everything, including letting me keep a cat because I wanted one, even though my mom said no, so Phii Fah ended up taking care of it for me.

   Mom…

   I still call her Mom. Even though, in reality, she isn’t.

   Because…when people ask how Mom is doing,

   I want to answer, ‘I don’t know either, since Mom divorced Dad, I haven’t heard anything about her,’ rather than saying, ‘I don’t know either, because I don’t know who my real mother is.’

   I used to blame everything that hurt me, but when I think about it, everything has its reasons. Imagine a family: a father, a mother, and a one-year-old daughter, everything going well, a warm and happy family with a little angel as a witness of their love.

   But then, suddenly, an infant is left at their doorstep, and it’s discovered that the child is the offspring of the father’s mistress. The family falls apart. The mother loses all love and trust in her husband, but she has to stay because of her daughter, and she also has to be a mother to this infant.

   It’s not strange for her to hate me. I am the evidence of the worst things in her life; every time she looks at me, I don’t know how much hatred fills her eyes.

   As for Dad…he didn’t love my mother. It might have been a mistake or something else.

   But I am your child, don’t you feel even a bit of love for me…    I don’t know who my real mother is, but the fact that she left me makes it clear she didn’t love me. No news. No contact. No stories about her for me to know.

   She didn’t even bother to name me…

   But I hope she’s doing well, somewhere in this world. If we ever meet and she remembers me, I would like to ask her…did you ever think about me? What kind of person did you want me to grow up to be? What did you want me to study or become?    And did I…grow up to be the person you wanted?

   “Phoon, come out and talk for a bit.”

   “No.”

“I am sorry, do not be angry anymore.”

   “You promised to go out with me, I don’t like people who break promises.”

   “Little brother, I had to work on a group project with friends. Next time, I’ll take you.”    “No, I can go alone.”

   “No going alone, what if you get lost again?”

   “Do you care about me?”

   “Phoon…”

   I sat on the bed with a scowl, feeling angry and hurt because Fan broke our promise that we would go out on Saturday, but suddenly she said she couldn’t go because she had to work with her friends.

   What the heck, I had been eagerly waiting.

   “Open the door, let’s talk.” Fan was still outside my locked door.

Since I had no one else but Fan, she had to pay extra attention to me. Whenever I was upset, I would throw a tantrum, and Fan must have been tired of it too.    I was not a cute kid at all…

   “I won’t open it.”

   “If we don’t talk properly, how will we understand each other?”

   “I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything at all.”

   “Sigh…”

   And then the voice from outside my door went silent. I immediately looked towards the door.

Is she not going to coax me anymore?

   After a while, a piece of paper slid under the door. I slowly walked over to pick it up; it was a folded note. I unfolded it to find a handwritten message:

   To…Phoon, the grumpy little brother,

   I know we had agreed to go out together on Saturday, but you have to understand that I am not free. This group project is really important, and if I don’t help her friends, they will surely be mad at me. Phoon, you wouldn’t want me to be mad at by my friends, right? So be a good kid and wait a bit. Next time, we’ll go to two places, and I’ll treat you to snacks. Deal? ^_^

   P.S. I know you’re waiting to be coaxed, but if one day I stop coaxing you, what will you grumpy kid do? Hurry up and stop being upset. The cake I baked is almost ready. If you don’t come out soon, I might eat all the cake without you knowing.

   From…Torfan, the sister who always has to coax this grumpy kid.    I couldn’t help but smile at the message written on the paper. I opened the door to find Fan standing there with a freshly baked cake in her hands, and we made up and sat down to eat the cake together.    Since then, we, as siblings, have used the method of passing notes under the door whenever we’re angry or don’t understand each other, or sometimes when we want to say something but are too shy to say it face to face; we’ve always written letters like this.

Fan said…writing letters can convey feelings that don’t reach otherwise, like when Fan wanted to make up with me, but I wouldn’t talk to her, so she used the method of writing a letter to me instead.

   Until now…I still write down the feelings I want to send.    I have letters to write every day, letters to Torfan, sort of like a diary about what I’ve encountered today, how I felt, telling Fan about my daily stories, but those letters never go anywhere, once written, they go into the drawer. I started doing this not long after Fan passed away because I was lonely and wanted to tell someone about my day.

   And importantly…it’s the longing I want to send, just like the letters Fan used to send.

   To…Torfan

   From the last time I said I would come to Chiang Mai, today the weather was nice, so I went out for a walk and took photos like usual. I went to the Walking Street too; it looked quite unique here, the things for sale weren’t very familiar, so Phoon got a handmade item for 150 baht. Importantly, I met Phii Fah, and he was with someone named Mona, who is my age, a first-year medical student. At first, I thought they were dating, but Phii Fah said she’s just a junior he knows, they must be quite close. Otherwise, they wouldn’t hang out together. In the future, they might develop a relationship.    Phii Fah seemed happy to see me too, like seeing a little brother after a long time, asking all sorts of questions, even about you, Fan.

But I said Fan, you…is doing well.

   I am sorry for lying, being bad again, but at that moment, I couldn’t think straight. If I told the truth, Phii Fah might get angry, or if Phii Fah is disappointed in me, I know he’s not like that, but honestly, Fan…Phoon is so scared, scared of everything. If I lose this person, with Fan gone, who would Phoon have left?    As for Phii Fah, he’s still the same, as kind as ever, and importantly, he’s become much more handsome. Fan, you would definitely scream if you saw him. He must be very popular at university, of course, it’s Phii Fah. Oh yeah, it seems Mona is also one of Phii Fah’s students, which means Phii Fah must be very good, now he’s become an excellent senior doctor.

   But don’t worry, Fan, I will definitely pass the medical exam, I

will become a doctor, treating children in need, just like you wanted to be: )

   Tonight, you are good, I hope you are happy and healthy wherever she is.

   With love and always missing you, from…Typhoon

   I folded the paper and taped it shut, placing it into a drawer filled with similar folded notes, because I’ve been writing them every day for years now. I’ve accumulated so many, but they’re not hard to store; one box is enough. After some time has passed, going back to read these old letters brings back memories of each day, some good, some bad. Some sheets are stained with tears, but I’ve made it through all that.

   I might be imagining it, but I think I’ve grown up a bit too.    A notification sound came from my phone. I picked it up to check and found a message from Phii Fah, we had just exchanged LINE IDs a moment ago.

   I’ll be able to talk with Phii Fah now…

   Tf: Are you asleep yet?

   -dust-: Not yet.

   Tf: Do you want to go anywhere?

   Earlier, while in the car on the way to drop me off, Phii Fah said that since I had just moved here, I probably didn’t know my way around much yet. If he had free time, he’d take me around the city so I could get to know the area better, and if I wanted to visit somewhere special, I could tell Phii Fah, and he would take me…

-dust-: I haven’t decided yet.

   Tf: Are you free tomorrow?

   :

   Tf: Let’s go around the university.

   Tf: So Phoon won’t get lost when you start studying.

   -dust-: Sure.

   Tf: Then I will pick you up tomorrow.

   Tf: What time is good for you?

   -dust-: Anytime is fine.

   Tf: Let’s say one in the afternoon.

   -dust-: Okay.

   Tf: goodnight, sleep well    -dust-: Yes, goodnight.

   And our conversation ended there, saying goodnight even though it was only a bit past nine in the evening. I scrolled through to look at the chat owner’s display picture, which was a candid shot of him.    Even though we only talked this much, it felt strangely comforting. The thought of seeing him again tomorrow made me smile involuntarily.

He’ll take me around the university so I won’t get lost when I start studying there, so kind of him, isn’t he? Is he this kind to everyone? I’ve heard that if you fall in love with the kindness he gives to everyone, it can hurt more than falling in love with someone who doesn’t love anyone.

If that’s the case, then…tonight, will I sleep well, Phii Fah?

I hope the sky will be as bright tomorrow as it was today.

04:20 a.m.

   Last night I didn’t sleep well, in fact, I rarely sleep well. There are so many things to think about, and often when I close my eyes, images of Fan appear. Then I spend the whole night crying in my sleep, sometimes having nightmares, waking up in the middle of the night frequently, only to find tears flowing. I see images of Fan driving to pick me up and getting hit, or when Mom and Dad were arguing. So, sleep has become quite scary for me.

Because I’m afraid of having nightmares…

I once went to a doctor about my insomnia since it was disrupting my daily life, but I didn’t go into detail about what was causing it. I just said I was stressed from school and a few other problems. My insomnia got more chronic, and the doctor said I have insomnia.    At first, when I took the medication, it seemed to help, but it felt like the more I slept, the worse the nightmares got. I stopped taking the medicine and went back to enduring the insomnia. The doctor suggested I see a psychiatrist for depression because it seemed I had more going on emotionally, but I didn’t want to tell anyone about what happened.

I’m too scared to talk about it, and I try to bury it as deep as possible…

Last night I went to bed at 9 p.m. and woke up around 4 a.m., only getting about five hours of sleep, and it wasn’t even deep sleep, waking up intermittently, so I had a terrible headache. But knowing I probably wouldn’t sleep anymore, I decided to get up.    I got up, took a shower, washed my face, made some coffee to drink, checked my study schedule to see what subjects I needed to read today, and then began reading my books.

Maybe I should try going to some tutoring sessions. There must be tutoring places in Chiang Mai to prepare for entrance exams. If I have time, I should discuss this with Dad when he’s free and available to talk.

I didn’t forget to stop reading at around six in the morning to watch the sunrise, due to my insomnia, which has made me wake up early every day for a year now. Watching the sunrise isn’t bad at all, and the way the sky changes color when the sun is about to rise is beautiful; I couldn’t help but take my camera to capture the moment.    I spent almost three hours reading, and by seven in the morning, I went downstairs from the dorm to get something to eat.    “You’re up early,” said the lady selling grilled pork skewers, greeting me. I smiled back.

“Yes, can I have two skewers of pork and one bag of sticky rice, please?”

“Same as usual. Don’t you want to try some grilled chicken?”    “It’s okay, thank you,” I said with a dry smile, handing over the money.

“But you don’t look very lively, did you get any sleep?” the lady asked, handing me the two skewers in a bag. “I’ve been meaning to tease you; you always look like you’re half-asleep.”

“Ha ha, I couldn’t sleep much last night,” I replied before giving her the money for the pork skewers. “I’ll be going now,” I said, waving goodbye to the lady before heading back to my room.

Everyone keeps telling me I look sleepy all the time.

Yeah…I am sleepy all the time, indeed.

I returned to my room and sat down to eat the sticky rice with grilled pork I bought. I’ve heard that people who sleep less die sooner.

I think that might be true because since I’ve had insomnia, I’ve been more forgetful than before, and I was already quite forgetful. It’s like my brain isn’t working at full capacity; how long will you live like this, Phoon?

With nothing else to do but wait for Phii Fah today, I kept on reading. I’m not a good student. Not at all. Unlike Fan and Phii Fah, but because I wanted some praise, I’ve always tried hard. Fan always said that effort never betrays us; if we’re not as smart as others, we just need to work harder than them. Behind those good grades are patience and effort.

But no matter how well I do in school, I still don’t get much attention. Fan said Phoon is capable, but Phoon has to try so hard because he doesn’t really like it, which is probably true. I don’t like biology, chemistry, or physics at all.

If you ask what I like,

I like taking photos and want to be a photographer.

But forget it, that’s my dream.

1:04 p.m.

   Tf: Can we move it to 2 p.m.?

   Tf: I have something to do.

   -dust-: Sure.

   2:12 p.m.

   Tf: I’ll be a bit late.

   Tf: There’s a lot of traffic.

   -dust-: Okay.

   2:36 p.m.

   Tf: I’m here now.

   Tf: Look to the left, please.

   I looked in the direction Phii Fah indicated, but I didn’t see anyone.

“That’s to the right, Phoon.”

“…”

“Still confused about left and right?” Phii Fah asked, letting out a small laugh. I fell silent because I felt embarrassed, doing something embarrassing in front of Phii Fah again, “Have you been waiting here long?”

I’ve been waiting since 12:30…

   “No, I just came down.”

“Okay, shall we go then?”

“Yes.” I followed Phii Fah to his car because I was a bit excited to go out with him, so I came down to wait at the marble bench outside the dorm. When Phii Fah asked to reschedule the meeting time, since I didn’t feel like walking back and forth, I just sat and waited there.

“You’ve had lunch already, right?”

“Uh…yes.”

Grilled pork in the morning counts as two meals for me. I’m usually not that hungry. I don’t know why either.

   “Are you sure?”

“Yes, why?”

“No reason, it’s just that you look tired today.”

“Oh…that’s normal.”

“Normal like this?” Phii Fah, who was driving, took his eyes off the road for a moment to look at me, his expression surprised by what he heard.    “Yes.”

“I think that might not be too good,” he said before turning his attention back to the road. Phii Fah drives very smoothly, which is good because I often get car sick.

“It’s okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. It’s okay.”

No matter what…it’s okay.

“Turn left here, and you’ll see the Engineering Faculty, but Phoon probably won’t be studying there,” Phii Fah explained, pointing out places around the university, which is very helpful for someone like me. I lifted my camera to take a photo.    “You carry your camera with you all the time?”

“Yes. I like taking photos.”

“I remember you were into it since middle school.”

“Yes,” I nodded. The first camera I got was a birthday gift from Fan and Phii Fah; they pooled their money to buy it for me because they saw I was interested in photography but didn’t have a camera of my own. I used to sneakily borrow my dad’s camera to play around with it.

“This is the main academic building where some elective courses are held.”

“Phii Fah, you study here?”

“By the second year, I don’t take many courses outside my faculty anymore.”

“Oh…” I kept taking photos along the way, I would have to stick them on the wall and then sit down to memorize which building is which.

“And where is your faculty?”

“It’s on the outskirts because it requires a lot of space.”

“Space?”

“For the animals, for study. It’s shared with the Faculty of

Agriculture.”

“Oh…” I nodded to show I understood, wondering why I chose Veterinary Medicine, will I manage? I love animals, but I’m not sure if I’ll do well.

“There’s also a place to walk, it’s a reservoir, want to go?”

“Yes.”

The car stopped in the parking area before I followed Phii Fah. Even though it was evening, it was still hot. After walking up the hill for a while, we could see the reservoir, with small roads around for walking, and a few people here and there strolling.

I love the sky when viewed from here.

I quickly raised my camera to capture the moment, with the sky above and the mountains in the background.

Even though it’s hot, there’s a breeze, and walking to where the trees offered shade made it feel quite pleasant here. If it’s not too crowded, I would come here often.

“Can we sit and rest for a bit?” I asked, as the heat made me feel more tired, especially after not sleeping much and now facing this kind of sunlight, I felt dizzy.

“Sure.” Phii Fah sat down on the bench next to me.

I secretly glanced at the person beside me from time to time.    The gentle breeze caressed his face, his black hair fluttering with the wind, the image I saw now made my heart beat faster, but when he noticed I was looking, I had to quickly avert my eyes.

   It’s nice…

   Being like this is nice too.    Regardless of in what capacity,    At least, for now, I thought so.

   “Oh, Phii Fah, Typhoon,” suddenly a woman walked up to us, waving in greeting. She showed a bright, cheerful smile, “Hello.”    Mona…

   “Hello, are you alone?” Phii Fah asked.

“Yes, I came out for a walk, got bored staying in the dorm,” she said, “What are you guys doing here?”

“Just walking around,” Phii Fah answered.

“Nice, want to walk together?”

“Sure,” Phii Fah agreed. I knew he would agree, given his kind nature, unlike me who tends to feel awkward around strangers, but I had to go along.

“Typhoon, can I just call you Phoon?”

“Oh, sure.”

“Phoon, you like photography too?” Mona asked, pointing at my camera hanging around my neck. I nodded in response, “Can I see some of your photos? I’ve just started learning.”

“I don’t take very good photos,” I said. I prefer keeping my photos to myself because they’re beautiful to me, but they might not be to others.

“It’s okay. I’m not good either, want to exchange and look at each other’s photos?”

“Uh…well, okay.” And how could I refuse? In the end, we had to exchange and look at each other’s photos.

“Wow, Phoon, your photos are really beautiful.”

“Hmm, you are nice too,” I said, handing her camera back.    “You can just call me Mona,” she smiled, “Phii Fah, let’s take a photo together,” before she linked arms with Phii Fah.

They look…so close.

   “I’m not really into taking photos,” Phii Fah declined.

“Come on, just one photo.”

“Okay, then.”

“Phoon…can you take it for us?” Mona handed her camera to me again, this time asking me to take a photo of the two of them. Here, there was a small bridge, and when they stood together to take the photo, they looked like a couple.

“The photo isn’t very clear,” Mona frowned slightly, looking displeased when she saw the photo I took, because it focused more on the background than on her.

“Sorry about that. I’m not that good at taking portraits.”

“It’s okay. I’ll post it on my Facebook page then, can I tag you, Phii

Fah?”

“Sure.”

On the way back, Mona asked to ride with us, sitting in the front passenger seat while I moved to the back. I sat in the back, watching the two of them talk. Mona is cute, good at talking, and very cheerful.

“The other day, I met Phii Jo too.”

“Really? Where did you see him?”

“At the mall, he was shopping with a very beautiful woman, carrying things for her. I didn’t know someone like Phii Jo could have such cute moments, carrying things for a woman. I heard he’s quite the playboy, I thought he wouldn’t go out with anyone so openly.”    “He was carrying things for her?” Phii Fah repeated, “That’s strange.”

“Doesn’t that mean she’s his girlfriend?”

“Probably, I can’t imagine Jo following someone around and carrying their stuff.”

“But he really was carrying things, full hands, clothes, cosmetics, shoes, and that woman was really beautiful, very suitable for Phii Jo, what a pity.”    “Why is that?”

“My friend likes Phii Jo, says he’s totally her type, she came here to study because of him.”

“Really?”

“Yes, I’m secretly rooting for them. They say a man who stops being a playboy becomes very warm. Don’t know if it’s true or not.”

“I don’t know either.”

“What about you, Phii Fah, are you a playboy?” Mona asked teasingly with a sweet voice.

“No.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Alright then, thanks for the ride. See you later, Phoon too, bye!” Mona got out of the car when we reached her destination, turning to say goodbye to us.

“Sure,” Phii Fah replied with a smile, which made her smile even wider.

“Oh, Phii Fah, are you free tonight?”

“I’m free, why?”

“I wanted to ask about some things I don’t understand.”

“You’re really reading ahead to the first-year material?”    “Yes, I’m your junior after all, aiming for honors,” Mona said enthusiastically, “So, are you free?”

“I am pretty free.”

“Then I’ll call you. Make sure to answer.”

“Okay.”

“Phoon.”

“…”

“Phoon.”

“Oh, yes?”

“You can move to the front seat if you want.”

“Oh, okay.” I got out of the car and moved to sit in the passenger seat.

“Shall we head back now?”

“Yeah, let’s go back.”

“Okay.”

On the way back to the dorm, I gazed out the window, lost in thought. It’s almost evening, and this feeling like there’s smoke swirling in my chest, what is it? I don’t like it…

“Then I’ll call you. Make sure to answer.”

   Fan…Mona is closer to the sky than I ever was.

   “Do you want to stop for something to eat before we head back?”

“It’s okay, I’m not hungry yet.”

“Are you sure? I think maybe you should eat something, Phoon you look very pale.”

“I’m fine, really.”

“Phoon, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes, I’m not feeling anything.”

“Since I saw you yesterday, you don’t seem as lively as before, has something happened?” The tone of the other person asking sounded concerned. I didn’t know how the person felt or what expression he was making because I didn’t look over.    But one thing for sure, I didn’t feel good.

“No, really, I am fine.”

What would I be feeling…

   I turned to give a wide smile to the person next to me.    “We can stop for some food,” I said, thinking that eating might make me feel better, and the luxurious car pulled over at a roadside eatery. I knew it wasn’t good to keep things to myself, Fan had taught me that.

But…it’s become my norm.

I’ve been alone all this time…

“Couldn’t sleep last night?” Phii Fah, sitting across from me, asked.

“Why do you think that?”

“It’s not hard to tell.”

“Well…just a little.”

“Then you should hurry back and get some rest.”

“Yes.”

The way you care about everyone…it’s not good, you know, Phii Fah? Do you realize many people easily fall for your kindness? I knew from the start that delving deeper would only lead to pain.    You should have some boundaries…for those you don’t have feelings for.

   After we finished eating, we walked out to where the car was parked. My eyes caught sight of a plant shop nearby. I like plants because they give me a sense of peace I can’t quite describe.

   “Do you want to take a look inside?”

“Can we go in for a bit?”

“Sure.”

Back at home, I had planted so many trees. Now, the housekeeper probably takes care of them. My dad moved out to live with his new family, so it’s just me and the house staff at home. Since moving into the dorm, my balcony is full of stuff, hardly any space for potted plants.

“Are you interested in any particular plant? Are you planning to put it on your dorm balcony?” the shopkeeper approached and asked.    “Oh, I’m just browsing for now,” I replied with a faint smile, knowing I couldn’t buy any since there’s no space to plant them, but I just wanted to look around until I noticed the hyacinth in a pot on a shelf.

Hyacinth…

Hyacinth is a cold-weather flower that can survive in an airconditioned room, so I don’t have to worry about balcony space anymore.

“Interested?” Phii Fah, who was standing behind me, asked. I turned to look at him with excited eyes, nodding quickly, “Then I will buy it for you.”    “Is that okay?”

“Yes, it makes you smile like this, how could I not buy it for you?”    “Thank you,” I said, giving him a slight smile, “Will you plant it with me?”

“Better not, I probably won’t have time to take care of it.”    “That’s too bad,” I said with disappointment, thinking if we planted it together, we’d have more to talk about. Phii Fah looked at me and fell silent, seeming to think about something.

“Alright, but I can’t guarantee I’ll take good care of it.”    “Great,” I said happily, then turned to look at the shelf full of hyacinths, better to buy one that’s already flowering, starting from scratch might be hard, “Then can you buy one for me in return?”

“Hmm?”

“Yes?”

“Okay.” Phii Fah slightly raised his eyebrows before giving a faint smile. I chose the purple hyacinth, handing it to the seller to wrap.

“Can you choose the color for me?”

“Yes.” Phii Fah walked closer, glancing at the hyacinths on the shelf, and chose a white one for me.

“White? Why?” I asked.

“I think it would suit you, Phoon.” Phii Fah’s words made me pause for a moment. If I remember correctly, the meaning of the white hyacinth is…

No…Phii Fah might not mean its symbolic meaning, probably just that white suits me.

   “And what about you, Phoon? Why the purple hyacinth?”

“Uh…no particular reason.”

“…”

“I just wanted to give it.”

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 1: Typhoon

   The advantage of hot weather is the clear sky, which draws me out to go for a walk. Even though the sunlight is so bright it hurts my eyes, this kind of light makes for beautiful photos; plus, there’s nothing to do in my room anyway.

   I packed my bag and slung my favorite camera around my neck, ready to wander around and take photos in Chiang Mai city. I’ve only been here for a few days, nearly two months before the semester starts.

   I…will be a first-year student at the Faculty of Veterinary Medicine, a place far from home and unfamiliar, living alone without knowing anything. But it’s okay, because I’m used to being alone. It’s not much different from when I was at home, and at least I’m closer now…    When I took the entrance exam, I chose the Faculty of Medicine as my first choice, and the Faculty of Veterinary Medicine as my second. Initially, I didn’t think I would pass at all, but when I got into Veterinary Medicine, I hesitated for a while whether to study here first or stop and study at home. But in the end, I decided to study here, for the same old reason…

   I don’t want to be at home.

   Being here…might be better.

   And it’s not just good for me.

   I moved into the dorm my dad arranged for me, and he took care of everything. He didn’t complain or ask anything when I told him I wanted to study here.

   Of course, the further I am away from home, the better.    Dad has his secretary transfer money to me every month. I talk to his secretary more than I talk to him. He works hard, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have free time; he just chooses not to spend that time with me.

   After divorcing mom, his life is going well. His one-year-old daughter is adorable, a child to be envied. If there’s a chance to meet her in the future, I would be a good brother to her, looking after her like Fan did for me, but I doubt there will be that opportunity.    Living alone far from home isn’t as bad as I thought. The dorm is comfortable, and my dad has been financially supporting me for a long time. The same goes for cameras or photography equipment; he transfers money without ever asking what it’s for. He doesn’t care what I spend it on, as long as it’s not too much and doesn’t bother him often.

   I am the hidden character in my dad’s life story. That woman will never know that her new partner once had a son named Typhoon, which is fine…I’m not going to demand anything. I don’t want to look for a place where I belong anymore.

   I am Typhoon, a storm, a wind that blows fiercely, destroys everything, and goes unseen.

   I watch people walk by at university. On a day like this, during the break, there aren’t many people around. The atmosphere here isn’t bad; it’s quite peaceful and serene. I can’t help but lift my camera to capture it. Indeed, I photograph everything because I love photography so much. It’s the only hobby I have, and if possible, I wouldn’t want it to just be a hobby.

   Fan…

   Today’s weather is a bit hot, but I think Fan would definitely like it.    The sky today is clear, no clouds at all, the sky is very clear. I had another photo for Instagram.

   Above the typhoon is the sky.

   The reason is because he…is the only sky I have, both now and forever.

   It’s the sky of Torfan and Typhoon.

   I came here with the intention of meeting him, but in reality, it’s not easy at all. I still don’t know how I’ll find him or what to do after we meet. It’s been four years since we last saw each other; a lot must have changed.

   We haven’t been in touch at all these past four years.

   Yes…why haven’t we been in touch?

   I got lost as expected…

   I’m someone who often gets confused with directions, ever since I was a kid, and I can’t remember the way well, I get disoriented, sometimes even getting left and right mixed up. I once tried following my instincts, which only led me further astray, making it harder to get back.

   The confusion between left and right started when I was a child; the teacher taught us to remember that the hand we use to write with is the right one, asking everyone to raise their right hands together since most people are right-handed. But I’m left-handed, so I’ve been confused about left and right ever since.

   I remember leaving through one of the university gates, but I don’t know which one. I just kept walking straight until I had to leave the university area.

   Since I’ve only been here for a few days, I never noticed that the sunset sky here doesn’t look much like the one at home; it might be different on certain days. And I had to stop when I encountered a red light at an intersection.

   Can’t cross now, I guess. I have to wait for the traffic on this side to clear.

   No, it’s better not to.

   Not crossing, then.

   I’m quite afraid of lots of cars; it stems from the worst experience of my life, so I try to avoid crossing roads or driving when there’s heavy traffic. I decided to walk back a bit and then flag down a songthaew instead.

   “Back to behind the university, please,” I told the driver of the songthaew when he stopped for my wave.

“Uh, not going behind the university, it’s a different route. You have to cross over there to flag down another one.”

“Oh…” I was silent for a moment, looking in the direction the uncle pointed, realizing I’d have to cross to the other lane to get a ride back to behind the university.

But I said I didn’t want to cross the road…

“So, where will you go next, uncle?”

“Take the tourists to the walking street.”

“Oh…the walking street, let’s go,” I said, getting onto the songthaew as soon as I decided it would be better to take a stroll at the walking street since I had nothing else to do.

I sat on the songthaew that was driving on a rather congested road. Around six in the evening, traffic is probably the same everywhere in the world. The city atmosphere was different from what I was used to, like opening up a new world for someone like me who doesn’t go out much. I was surprised to see the sign for the Faculty of Pharmacy here.

What does that mean? Does this faculty separate from the main university, including other health science faculties like dentistry or medicine? It seems like they have their own zone.

When the songthaew passed by the sign for the Faculty of Medicine, my heart fluttered a bit.

I probably won’t meet him yet, it’s still during the break, there’s still time to prepare my heart, my words, myself. Most importantly…I still haven’t decided if I should tell Phii Fah everything.

I got off the songthaew when I saw everyone else getting off. It was almost nine now, the first time I’ve been to a walking street somewhere else. I walked slowly down the path, split into two sides, one for going and one for returning. The goods for sale were somewhat unfamiliar, like elephant keychains or items unique to the North.

“How much is this one?” I asked, pointing at a keychain.

“One hundred fifty baht.”    Wow…that’s expensive.

   “It’s handmade, so it’s a bit pricey,” the auntie selling it said with a smile. I nodded and bought it right away; it was handmade after all, expensive but worth it.

I walked on, excited by the novelty of the experience. I’m not someone who travels often, especially not to far places like the countryside. Most importantly…this was the first time I’ve gone out alone, which made me realize that getting lost is more troublesome than I thought.

   Here we go…I didn’t expect this walking street to have a fork in the road. Once I turned into it…

   Okay, where did I turn just now? And if I keep walking straight, will this lead back to the main path? I stood there, confused for a while, before having to walk back the way I came because I couldn’t block other people’s way for too long.

   Bad luck, Typhoon, you wanted to enjoy the walking street and now you’re lost. How are you going to get back on such a complicated path? Won’t you be lost until morning?

   I stopped because I heard music, walked towards the sound, and found a wide open space where they were holding a performance. Musicians were playing what I guessed were traditional instruments, and about six women in Northern Thai costumes were dancing to the rhythm.

Wow! That’s amazing!

Because I had never seen it before, I felt very excited, quickly raising my camera to take photos almost too late. They were dressed so beautifully, the colors and lights were all stunning. Apart from capturing the performance, I also took photos of the stage decorations, musicians, and the people watching the show.

I moved to a spot where there weren’t many people so I could take better pictures until I panned my camera to someone, and the image I saw through the lens made me freeze immediately. Slowly, I lowered the camera and looked at him with my own eyes.

Phii Fah…

   I froze as my brain started to process, my heart began to beat strongly, and my hands started to shake for no apparent reason.    It really is Phii Fah…Phii Fah looks different from what I remember, but not far off from what I had imagined. I had already envisioned that Phii Fah would be a very handsome man, but what exceeded my expectations was that he looked even better than I had thought.

Typhoon…is your heart beating too hard?

It seems like Phii Fah isn’t alone, but because there are so many people and some blocking the view, I couldn’t see the other person he was with. They seemed to talk for a while before leaving the performance area.

Are they…leaving already?

What should I do?

My legs moved faster than my brain could command. I just wanted to look at him a bit longer, I intended not to greet him because I wasn’t ready, but is it really okay to follow him like this, Phoon?

Phii Fah is really tall, huh, he must be over 180 cm by now. I raised my camera to capture the person I was secretly following; it was because of this person that I practiced photography, and this action allowed me to see who was with Phii Fah.

A woman…

I only saw her profile because she was turning to talk to Phii Fah, but even from that, I could tell she was very beautiful. Her hair was long, down to her waist.

A girlfriend…?

Phoon…why didn’t I ever think that Phii Fah might have a girlfriend already? Yes, someone like Phii Fah, how could someone like him not have someone?

“Ah!” I exclaimed in surprise when suddenly someone from behind bumped into me.

“Sorry,” the person immediately apologized. I turned to look; he asked with a worried expression, “Are you hurt?”

“Uh…it’s okay,” I quickly responded, as it seemed like there were a lot of people behind me.

“Phoon.”

“…”

“Phoon.”

“…”

I turned to look at the person calling out to me.

“Um…”

The person looked very surprised, staring at me. Phii Fah seemed shocked to see me here, quickly walking towards me. The woman with him looked a bit confused before following.

“Phoon, can I come over to you?”

“Ye…yes.”

“And you came here for fun?”

“Yes.”

“Are you here alone?”

“Uh…yes.”

“That’s strange.”

“Yes?”

“Aren’t you the kid who used to get lost all the time?” Phii Fah asked with a playful smile.

It’s like it was filled in…

   Phii Fah is still the same…

   I gave a slight smile back to the person in front of me.

   “Um…” I turned to look at the person standing beside Phii Fah.

“Oh…this is my neighbor, named Typhoon.”    Oh…

I am the neighbor’s little brother.

“Oh…hello, are you in your first year?” She nodded to Phii Fah’s words, then turned to give me a wide, friendly smile.

“Yeah…”

“You don’t have to be so formal, you’re Typhoon, right? My name is

Mona, and I’m going to be a first-year too.”

“Oh…”

“Which faculty are you in?” Mona asked.

“Veterinary Medicine.”

“Oh. I’m in the Faculty of Medicine.”

“Are you going back now, Mona?” Phii Fah asked.

“Yes, my brother is waiting for me.”

“What should we do then?” Phii Fah said thoughtfully, “So, Phoon, can you wait for me here for a bit? I’ll take you out for dinner, have you eaten yet?”    I shook my head.

“Alright, then wait here for me, I’ll go drop off Mona first, then I’ll come back for you.”    I nodded.

“Bye, see you later,” Mona turned and waved goodbye to me. I gave a small smile and waved back, watching them both walk away.

He told me to wait here…

   Because Mona is a girl, it would be dangerous for her to walk back alone.

   I can wait here alone too.

I stood waiting between the shops, because if I stood in the walkway, I’d be in other people’s way. My hands were all sweaty. I didn’t know why, but my heart, which was beating strongly, also felt a dull ache.

   What am I doing standing here? I don’t even know if Phii Fah will come back.

   I glanced up, daydreaming. The evening sky like this doesn’t have stars. There’s nothing but darkness, but it’s not that bad, it’s still beautiful.

   I’m secretly happy that Phii Fah hasn’t changed; he’s just as kind to everyone as he used to be because he was raised that way. His uncle and aunt are kind, too. Anyone can tell at first glance that Phii Fah was well brought up in a perfect family.

   Perfect…in every way.

   Like an untouchable sky.

   “Excuse me.”

“Oh, sorry,” I quickly apologized when someone came to buy something and I was in their way. I moved aside immediately, but no matter where I stood, I seemed to be in someone’s way, so I had to squeeze into the walkway again. Once there, I had to walk with the flow of people, getting pushed around until I ended up somewhere I didn’t recognize.

This is bad…Phii Fah told me to wait there. Where am I now…

That day it was raining, like every day during the rainy season, because my province often experiences monsoons. I was a stubborn kid who didn’t want to go home again. No, that’s not it, how should I say it? I was about to go back but got lost because I heard a kitten’s meow and followed the sound.

   A small, wet kitten on a rainy day.

   “There, there, come here,” I gently scooped it into my arms; it must have been very cold.

   “It’s okay now,” I comforted it, even though I was shivering just as much.

   The orange kitten looked up at me.

   “We can’t stay out in the rain like this; we’ll catch a cold for sure.”    I kept running without knowing where I would end up. I often got lost, and Fan always warned me not to go on unfamiliar paths. So, I only knew the way between home and school.

   I found a bench with some shelter from the rain. The place didn’t look too safe, but there were no other options. As I sat to rest, the kitten in my arms began to burrow closer to me, seeking warmth.    “I am as wet as you, kitten; burrowing won’t make you any warmer.”

   “Or are you scared?”

   You must be scared. I don’t know where the mother cat went or why she left her kitten alone. It probably wouldn’t dare to wander off alone because there are many dogs around here.

“Don’t be scared.”

   “I’m not just saying that to comfort you, someone will come to help.

   “Really, there will be a hero to help.

   “I can’t take you back, I don’t know the way anymore.”

   “Come be a good kid and wait here.”

   “Phoon.”

   “Phii Fah.”

   “You’re so stubborn, aren’t you?”

   “…”

   “A cat?”

   “Yeah, it was all alone, so I stayed with it.”

   “Let me guess, you chased after it and got lost, so you ended up here, right?” Phii Fah asked as he sat down beside me, looking slightly out of breath. I looked at the person next to me and felt guilty.

   Why do I always rely on Phii Fah?

   “Yes, I am sorry, I have made Phii Fah have to go through trouble again.”

   “Not at all.”

   “What did I say before?”

   “If I get lost, just sit and wait, and Phii Fah will find me.” I repeated what Phii Fah had once told me because if I stubbornly tried to find my way back on my own, I would only get more lost. So, Phii Fah and I agreed that he would find me, so I should just be a good kid and wait.

“Yes, you didn’t really want to get lost, did he?”

   “No.”

   “If you hadn’t helped, this kitten would have been in a lot of trouble, for sure.”

   “Yeah, it was shaking a lot.”

   “Let me have a look.” Phii Fah said. I slowly handed over the kitten, and he took off his jacket to wrap around the little cat, “Today, this kitten will have to wear this for now.”

   I nodded at those words because usually, Phii Fah would bring a jacket when coming to look for me, saying he intended it for me to wear.    “Phii Fah.”

   “Yes?”

   “Can we keep it?”

   “Uh…wouldn’t it be better if we found someone else to adopt it?”

   “I want to keep it.”

   “…”

   “It must be as lonely as me, if we’re together, we won’t be lonely.”

   “Phoon, you aren’t lonely, you have everyone with you.”

   “I don’t see anyone who’s free.”

   “Okay then, let’s talk to your dad later.”

   “Yay, thank you.”

   Phii Fah…is always kind.

   “No!”

“Mom, but I want to keep it, please, please, I promise to take the best care of it.”    “I said no means no.”

   “But…”

   “Enough, if you argue like this, we don’t need to talk. Get out, I have work to do.”

   “…Yes.”

   “Mom didn’t allow it?” Fan was waiting on the ground floor of the house. She turned to look at me as I was coming down the stairs.

   “Yeah, she’s really mad.”

   “She probably had a bad day at work,” Fan said before turning to look at the kitten wrapped in old rags, where Phii Fah was drying it off.

   “Uh.”

   No, Mom is always in a bad mood when Phoon talks to her.    “What a pity, maybe try asking Dad,” Fan murmured while sitting down to look at the kitten, “It’s so cute, does it have a name yet?”

   “Not yet, I haven’t thought of a name for it yet.”

   “Exactly, Fah, help think of a name.”

   “Hmm,” Phii Fah looked up, slightly raising his eyebrows, surprised by Fan’s words, “I’m not very good at naming things.”

   “But why should we name it when it won’t be staying with us?” I said, making a sad face.

   “Then Phii Fah will take care of it.”

“Are you serious?” Fan asked with a tone that seemed almost disbelieving, “You’ll really take care of it?”

   “Yeah, you can come play with it later.”

   “Will your parents allow it?”

   “I think so, I’ll try asking,” Phii Fah replied, “So, you can name it since it won’t be going anywhere.”

   “…Thank you, Phii Fah.”

   I named it ‘Sitong/Gold’, based on its orange, golden color. When Phii Fah moved out, we had to take care of Gold ourselves, with our parents complaining a bit but allowing it, probably seeing that we were responsible enough to take care of it.

   But now, Gold…is no longer with us.

   It died just a few months ago.

   I can’t keep anything alive.

   “Phoon.”

“…”

I turned back towards the voice calling me again while I was casually looking at the items for sale.

Found me again…

“Yes.”

“Why weren’t you at the same spot?”

“Uh…I was pushed by the crowd.” The person in front of me looked a bit surprised by my answer, but I think he must have thought of me as the childlike Phoon from back then. Maybe I can’t be that person anymore.

“Okay, then let’s go eat.”

“Uh…yes.”

I followed Phii Fah. I didn’t dare say much because I was nervous and didn’t know what to do. I’m not good at talking, so I didn’t know how to start a conversation.

“Do you want anything specific to eat?”

“No. Nothing special.”

“Then is this place okay?”

“Yes.”

We went into the roadside restaurant Phii Fah chose, which seemed like it wasn’t just open on walking street market days. After ordering our food, while waiting, the atmosphere was awkward…for me at least.

   “How did you decide to study so far away?” Phii Fah started asking. It’s normal for people who haven’t seen each other in a while to catch up.

“Uh…I just wanted to try, I guess.”

“You’re studying veterinary medicine?”

“Yes.”

“That’s strange, I thought you weren’t very into this field.”    “No…not really, I actually like it.” I answered, looking down, reaching for a glass of water, “What about you, Phii Fah? You’re studying medicine, right?” I asked back, even though I already knew the answer.

“Yes, and you came here alone? Do you have friends studying here too?”

“No, I came alone.”

“Really? That’s impressive.”

“How are you doing?”

“I’m doing well, how about you, Phoon?”

“Just…so-so,” I let out a secret sigh to calm my excitement. Why am

I so tense? “Earlier…was that your girlfriend?”    “Oh, Mona? No, not at all. She’s just a junior I know.”    Just a junior…

   “Oh, I see.”

I am just a junior too.

Phii Fah is like this, kind to everyone equally, good to everyone. I’ve seen people fall into the trap of that kindness, thinking they’re special, but in the end, they’re no different from anyone else.

Phii Fah doesn’t think anything…

   That kindness…is the cruelest kind.

That’s why I say it’s like the sky that seems close but can’t be touched, can’t be possessed.    “How are uncle and aunt doing?”

“Oh, Dad is doing well,” I answered truthfully, turning to thank the waiter who brought the food, “But I don’t know about Mom…how she’s doing.”    “Why is that?”

“Mom and Dad got divorced, and Mom just disappeared.”

“…I’m sorry to hear that.”    “Ah…it’s okay.”

“And how is Fan doing?”

“Fan…”

…

How much pressure can one child take from their family? I believe I’ve been one who has endured constantly, enduring, obeying, doing everything asked, trying and trying even more.

   But no matter how much, it’s never enough.

   It’s never enough…

   “Can’t you just settle down for once!”

   “Phoon…”

   I looked at the face full of concern, fear, and sadness; Fan was crying, watching me from the front gate. I, having lost patience with everything, accidentally yelled at her.

   Yelled at Fan…for the first time.

   “Don’t call me, it’s annoying.”

   “Phoon…don’t go.”

“Let’s go.” I got into the car and told the friend who was driving before the motorcycle moved away from the front of the house.

   Yes…

   My patience had run out.

   It turned into defiance.

   Throughout my childhood, carrying all that weight, there came a point when I couldn’t bear it anymore. In high school, I began to feel it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t just at all. Why me? Why did I have to go through all that? Why? I had tried my hardest, why was I never acknowledged? If they didn’t love me, why did they even have me?

   Everything…was because of Fan.

   Yeah…then they don’t need me.

   Looking back now…I became a troubled child; who could I blame? Because I needed acceptance, praise, attention, and there was none of that at home, but there was among friends.

   Where would there be more happiness?

   Under I was a lost child…lost far from the right path.

   “Phoon, you’re not going home again tonight?” One of my friends asked while we were at his condo, which had become our usual hangout spot.

   “Yeah.”

   “Why? Did you fight?”

   “Yeah, it’s annoying.”

   “Who was that person? When I picked you up earlier.”

   “My sister.”

   “She’s hot. Does she have a boyfriend?”

   “No way, this one’s off-limits,” I said while picking up the glass of liquor from the table, raising it to my lips and letting the bitter taste flow down my throat, “Terk.”

   “Ha.”

   “Give me a smoke.”

   “Here,” he said, handing me a cigarette. I put it in my mouth and lit it. At first, I didn’t like it, but after smoking several times, I got hooked, especially since all my friends smoke. How could I not?    At least, alcohol, cigarettes, these things help me forget some of the pain.

   “How many days has it been since you last slept at home, Phoon?

You’re always at the condo, man.”

   “Why? Can’t I sleep here?”

   “Of course, you can.”

   “Can I skip school? I feel lazy,” another friend asked. My group could be described as delinquents, attending school sporadically, something I had never done before.

   Skipping school like it’s nothing.

   Yeah…why bother studying hard when no matter how hard I try, I never get any praise, and if I get even slightly lower grades, I get scolded?

Might as well not go to school at all.

“I’m not going,” I said.

   “Phoon, you’re going to fail.”

   “Screw it.”

   “Damn, you’re the best, that’s how it should be, I’m not going either.”

   I glanced at my phone vibrating with an incoming call from Fan, sighed in mild irritation before walking out to the balcony and answering it.

   (Phoon, where are you? Come home.)

   “I already told you not to call.”

   (Can’t we talk properly?)

   “I don’t want to talk. There’s nothing to talk about anymore, it’s annoying, just stop bothering me.”

   (Phoon…)

   And then I hung up, lighting another cigarette to calm myself down.    Since when did I start feeling…hatred towards Fan? It wasn’t Fan’s fault, deep down I knew that, but at that time, I couldn’t handle myself well. Because my parents only loved Fan, cared for Fan, Fan was perfect in every way.

   When comparison arose, it made me feel so inferior, and the only way to not feel worthless was to build a wall to protect myself.    Fan probably understood where all this came from. Even when I was acting so recklessly, my parents didn’t care. When teachers called for parents, no one came; it was Fan who talked to the teachers instead. Fan was an excellent student, well-behaved, the favorite of all the teachers at school, so they tried to overlook my faults at Fan’s request.

   Fan was the only one who called to bring me back home.

   But there’s no need for that anymore…that house wasn’t mine.    I spent almost a month living that reckless life until I thought I was beyond redemption. Sometimes, feelings of guilt flashed through my mind, but when I thought about facing that again, I’d rather not.    Every time I went back home to change clothes, Fan and I would argue. She’d ask me not to leave, but I wouldn’t listen, starting to shout, yell, using harsh words I shouldn’t have said.    I don’t know how much Fan must have been hurt…

   And what was infuriating was…I didn’t care about anything back then.

   “Terk, that bastard is looking at your girl,” said one of my friends who was drinking with us. Tonight, we were at a bar celebrating one friend’s birthday.

   “Where?”

   “Damn, that’s the one, the orange shirt.”

   “He’s been staring for a while.”

   “As far as I can see, quite a while.”

   “Should we mess with him?”

“Sure, he looks like he’s from that school too.”

“Hey, we gotta do it.”

Then my group of friends got up to pick a fight with the rival school, something I didn’t really like much – fighting. You could call me a coward, but I’ve always hated using force.

   “Phoon, are you coming?”

   “You guys go ahead.”

   “Are you scared?”

   “You guys go on ahead,” I answered evasively. Some friends who didn’t go were their girlfriends. I sat with the girls, seeing that my friends had started the trouble, then they began a small scuffle, which normally wouldn’t be much, at most two or three people would fight, but I didn’t expect the other side to bring more people, turning the whole place into chaos.

   “Scream!!” The girls screamed when a bottle was thrown their way, forcing the shop staff to intervene, and they got caught in the crossfire. Eventually, the manager had to ask other customers to leave for safety.

   “Hey, you, trying to run?”    Huh?

   Me?

   “Wait…just a second,” I was startled when suddenly my shirt collar was grabbed, and a heavy punch landed on my face, turning my head with the force of it.

That…hurts.

“You’re friends with those assholes, right? Time to teach you not to get involved.”

   I haven’t even gotten involved yet…

   “Again!” I gritted my teeth as I took another punch; damn it, that hurt like hell. This is why I hate fighting. Before I could say more, the staff intervened to stop the person picking a fight with me. I took the opportunity to slip away to another spot.

   I quickly pulled out my phone when it rang, only to see it was Fan calling again.

   I immediately hung up.

   And then Fan called again. I had no choice but to answer.

   “Phoon, are you at a bar?”

   “How did you know?”

   “A friend of mine said they saw you, were you attacked too?”

   “Not at all.”

   “I’m coming to get you.”

   “Now?”

   “Yes, I’m coming to take you home right now. Do you want Fan to go crazy? I’m not listening to Phoon anymore. Don’t argue, don’t go anywhere, stay right there, I’ll be there in ten minutes.” And then Fan hung up without waiting for my response. I tried calling back, but she didn’t answer.

Is she crazy!

It’s late now.

It’s dangerous, and Fan’s voice sounded so urgent, I bet she’ll rush over here.

   No way…it’s too dangerous at this hour.

   I was so anxious I couldn’t sit still, but I didn’t dare call again, thinking she must be driving. Almost thirty minutes passed, and the situation in the bar calmed down, but Fan still hadn’t arrived.

   I waited at the same spot.

   But Fan didn’t come.

   I felt an indescribable relief when I saw Fan’s number calling, but when the voice on the other end wasn’t the familiar one, and his words made my heart sink.

   “Sorry, are you related to the deceased? We found this number as the last call on her phone.”

   “…”

   “You…”

   “…”

   “You!”

   “Because of you!” A shrill voice screamed, pushing me against the wall, her small hand slapping my face repeatedly until blood trickled from the corner of my mouth.    “You, that’s enough, you…”

   “You damn kid, you ghost child, you harmed my child, my child died because of you!”

   I looked up at the woman who was so angry she was almost mad.

Mom…

“…I’m sorry,” I said softly, bowing my head, letting the tears flow even as blood was still coming from my mouth. The pain from the earlier beating was gone. I felt no pain at all.

   My whole body was numb.

   “Sorry…”    Sorry…

   Fan…I am sorry, I am sorry…

   I am sorry…    I…sorry.

   Fan’s body was sent to the hospital for examination, it was found she was hit by a car driven by someone drunk, who didn’t even know he was drunk, and he was punished according to the law. After that, her body was brought back home.

   The funeral was simple.

   Apart from the local villagers, few knew about this; no one wanted to be the talk of the town that the daughter had sneaked out with the car at night alone to pick up her son from a bar, only to be killed by a car. Including Phii Fah’s family, who were unaware because they were benefactors to my father, so Dad didn’t let Uncle know.

Otherwise, we wouldn’t have the face to meet him.

   I sat in front of the coffin set up in the house. I didn’t want to go outside to greet guests. I didn’t want to be looked at like that.

Certainly, I hated the things people were saying.

“If you hadn’t acted like that, your sister wouldn’t have died.”

“Indeed, whatever it is, even his parents didn’t want him. Only Torfan took care of him. What do you do now that things have turned out like this?”

   “That’s what happens when no one loves him, that kid.”    “Think about it, where would a good person go to a bar at such a late hour, and on that night, he even got into a fight.”

   “Torfan was really something, caring so much, I don’t know why. If it were me, I wouldn’t have gone out to look for him.”

   “Hmm, so she got hit by a car. If she had just stayed home, this wouldn’t have happened. It’s such a pity, she was a good student too, supposed to be the future of her parents, Torfan, I mean.”    Late at night. I haven’t been able to sleep since the day Fan died, spending the whole night in her room, my tears flowing without knowing when they would stop, and no matter how many tears I shed, it didn’t lessen the grief at all.

   I finally understood what it feels like to be too weak even to stand up…

   My whole body was exhausted. I didn’t even have the strength to move, but the tears wouldn’t stop.

   That’s dad’s voice…

   I heard my parents, sounding like they were arguing downstairs.

Not wanting them to fight, I tried to drag myself down to intervene.

   “Enough! I’m sick of men like you!”

“Why, what’s wrong with men like me?”

“You’re indiscriminate; even after getting married, you got another woman pregnant, how could you!”

   “We’ve talked about this already, why bring it up again?”    “Why? Can’t I speak the truth? Are you afraid others will know, afraid of becoming the talk of the town, huh? Rit, the respectable man in society, are you ashamed that people will find out you’re just a womanizer?”

   “Quiet! Now’s not the time for this.”

   “Why? I will speak, especially since that bastard child of yours caused my child’s death!”

   “…”

   “I’ve managed to raise him for over ten years, which is good enough. Every time I look at him, I can’t forget how low you are. He always reminds me of why our family is broken like this.”    “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t mean to get her pregnant.”

   “And yet, she got pregnant. In the end, it caused my child’s death.”

   “Fan was my child too, you know.”

   “And why did it have to be Fan? Why didn’t your kid die instead, huh?! Why did it have to be Fan? Why, my child, why…Fan, my daughter.”

   And then Mom started to collapse, crying on the floor, with Dad not knowing what to do either.

   Just like me.

It was as if the world was crumbling down and shattering into pieces.

   Yes, Fan…why wasn’t it me instead?

   “Phoon.”

“…”

“Phoon.”

“Ah, yes?”

“Lost in thought?”

“Uh…no, not at all.”

“Want to eat first? It’s getting late.”

“Yes.” I quickly shoveled rice into my mouth, wiping away the tears that were welling up in my eyes. I absolutely couldn’t cry here…

“Uh…and then?”

“Yes?”

“The question I asked earlier, you haven’t answered yet.”

“…”

“How is Fan doing?”

“Fan…”

“She’s fine.”

“Please drive carefully.”

“Yes, see you.”

“Yes.”

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   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Prologue Chapter

   Sky, Dream, and, Dust 

   Today…not many people are around.

   Is it because it’s the rainy season?

   They say the sea isn’t beautiful during this time.

   I don’t understand how the sea can be beautiful or not, because for me, the sea looks the same every day.

   But the sky…it’s never the same day.

   Yet it’s still…captivating every day.

   …

   The sky begins to turn brick red; the sun is about to set. I lift my camera from around my neck to take another photo, I’ve lost count of how many photos I’ve taken here today.

I probably won’t be back here for a while.

I’ll keep these photos as memories.

The sea breeze blows lazily. I don’t know where it brought this loneliness from. It makes me feel so aimless, I look towards the furthest edge of the sea that I can see.

   The scene before me raises questions, questions that I myself have never been able to answer.    Are we looking at the same sky…    But if we’re not looking,    it doesn’t matter.

   Back then…I was probably only ten years old.

   In an old storage room, belonging to fishermen who no longer use it. There’s no place more suitable to be our “secret base” than here. We secretly brought things from home to decorate this place together until it became our secret spot, and we promised not to tell anyone.    I sat down, leaning against the wall before turning to look at the dark, overcast sky, letting the raindrops fall incessantly. My soaked self could only hug myself to fend off the cold.

   I bit my lip tightly to hold back the sobs, but not for long before I had to let myself cry out again, burying my face in my arm, letting tears flow uncontrollably.

   This is the only place I want to be when I feel like I have nowhere to go.

   Because I don’t want to go home.

Crack!!

I jumped out of my skin when I heard the sound of thunder.

No.

No thunder!

I heard what sounded like a door opening, quickly looking up, seeing a boy about my age, a bit taller than me, with bright white skin, holding an umbrella but still drenched, as if he had run through the rain in a hurry, looking worried and concerned.

   He was the only one I hoped would find me.

   And he always found me.

   “It’s dangerous, you know, coming here near dusk when it’s raining like this.”

   I quickly got up and ran to hug him immediately.

   “Did the thunder scare you?”

   “Uh-huh.”

   “It’s okay, I am here now.”

   The person in front of me hugged me comfortingly and gently stroked my head. Phii Fah is one of the few who knows what I’m scared or not scared of. One thing I’m scared of is thunder.

   Even though I’m Typhoon, I’m afraid of thunder…

   “Phoon.”

   “Yes?” I responded.

   “Why are you here?”

   “…”

“Don’t want to go home?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I’m scared.”

“Scared of aunt?”

“Yes, mom is scary.”

   “Why do you think that your mother is scary?”

   “Mom turns into a giant.” I said, my voice muffled in his embrace before Phii Fah slowly let me go. I looked down, not daring to meet his eyes, “Mom is scary.”

   “Phoon.”

   “…”

   “Look up, look at me.”

   “…”

   I looked up to see his ever-present kind smile directed at me.

   “It’s okay, I will go back with you.”

   “I have to go back anyway.”

   “No, I will go back with Phoon.”

   “…”

   “Is that okay?”

   “But…”

   “Let’s go back together.”

   “No, Mom will hit me, I will get hurt.” I clenched my lips tight; the memories were scary. I didn’t want to get hit again; I remembered that pain more than anything, “Today, I was a bad kid, Mom doesn’t like it.”

“How were you a bad kid?”

“I didn’t pass the math exam.”

“Does not passing make you a bad kid?”

“Yes.”

   “Then I am also a bad kid.”

   “Why? Phii Fah, did you not pass the exam too?”

   “No,” Phii Fah said while shaking his head slightly, “But today, I also sneaked out of the house.”

   That’s right, his parents didn’t allow Phii Fah to leave the house when it was raining, but Phii Fah sneaked out to look for me.    “Phii Fah, you should go back, you’ll get hit, it hurts.” I said urgently, pushing him towards the door.

   No, I couldn’t let Phii Fah get hit like me, because it was very painful, that’s why.

   But Phii Fah grabbed my wrist first.

   “Won’t you go back?”

   “I don’t want to be hit by Mom.”

   “I will come with you.”

   “No.” I was still stubborn.

   “Fan is worried about you.” Phii Fah said with a more serious expression and tone, “Fan won’t eat dinner if you don’t come back.”

   “Fan is worried?”

   “Yes.”

   “Did Fan cry?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t want Fan to cry.”

“Then come back with me.”

“…Okay.”

   “Good.”

   I reached out to take the hand that was already waiting for me, stepping under the same umbrella, walking slowly behind the person holding my hand. I kept sneaking glances at Phii Fah all the way home.

   It’s okay.

   As long as Phii Fah is here…everything will be fine.

   And then, what happened next?

   I walked until the end of the path and found the ruins of what was once familiar to us. Our secret base was no longer there, but Phii Fah probably didn’t know, right? I heard that soon, this place would be renovated into a new storage shed.

There would be no more traces of our memories.

I lifted my camera to take a photo of it.

Not sure why I took the picture…

Ah…right, that day when I got home, Fan cried a lot. She came right to hug me and asked where I had been, if I was hurt anywhere. Fan is my older sister, just a year older than me. She’s the same age as Phii

Fah, but I prefer to call her Fan rather than calling her ‘sister.’

I wasn’t hurt anywhere that day; I just cried because I didn’t want to get scolded.

But Mom didn’t ask if I was hurt.

Mom asked…how many points did you get on the exam?

Why does she love Fan more than Phoon…

I used to wonder and ask myself that many times, but now I don’t want to ask those questions anymore because the answer is too painful…

The breeze doesn’t bring loneliness; it’s me who has always been lonely.

Fan likes…no, Fan loves Phii Fah. Just looking, you can tell.

Because I’m the same…

I’ve been in love…for a long time.

My parents respect Phii Fah’s parents because they have been kind to our family and since our houses are next to each other, we three always played together.

As a child, I always watched the two of them.

Fan and Phii Fah, they are my whole world.

Fan and Phii Fah are smart kids, good at studying, good at everything, unlike me who fails at everything in my parents’ eyes.    Why can’t I be like Phii Tonfah, why can’t I get good grades like Fan, why are my grades only this much, why don’t I study, why do I only do meaningless things, why have I failed the exam again, why why, why…

Yes…why indeed?

Why don’t you hug me…

But it’s okay. Just having both of them is enough. I used to think that way…no, it was like that, for a child who needs acceptance, needs attention.

A child who needs love…like me.

Until the day Phii Fah had to move away to attend high school at another school, somewhere too far for me to visit again.    “I will study hard, I will pass the medical exam, and then go be a doctor with you Fah.”

“Yeah. I’ll study hard too, so we can become doctors together.”    I stood watching both of them say their goodbyes. They shared the same dream of becoming doctors, and Fan had a gift for Phii Fah, but I had nothing because I didn’t know what to give. More than anything at that moment, I felt sadness and disappointment.

Why must they leave me behind…

“Phoon.”

“…” I looked up at the call.

“Take care of yourself.”

“Yes.”

“You look like you’re about to cry again.” Phii Fah said, reaching out to gently pat my head when he saw I was about to cry.

“Will we see each other again?”

“Yes.”

“Phoon, don’t cry.” Fan, standing beside him, consoled me while gently squeezing my shoulder, “We’ll definitely see each other again, and we’ll be together again.”

“Hmm.”

We’ll be together again…

   “Good luck.”

Those were my last words before we parted ways.

Looking back now, I should have said something better to Phii Fah…

Suddenly, my phone rang. Startled while I was walking and lost in thought, I quickly picked it up to see who was calling, causing me to let out an involuntary sigh.    “Yes?” I answered the call.

(It’s almost time.)

   “Yes.”

(Don’t miss your flight, can you go to the airport alone?)

   “Yes.”

(All the stuff has been taken care of. Including the school uniforms, have you got the room key?)

   “Yes.”

(Do you want someone to pick you up? Where are you now?)

   “It’s okay, I’ll go by myself.”

(Are you sure?)

   “Yes, there’s one place I want to stop by first.”

(Okay, then hurry back.)

   I stopped to buy a few things, heading to that one place, which I visit every time, whether I’m happy or sad. Once I go there, I probably won’t come back. Even though I’ve somewhat prepared myself, it’s still hard to let go.

Today, I won’t be able to stay long, so I only intended to stop by and say goodbye.

   I walked to the same old spot, slowly knelt down, and gazed at the familiar picture of a woman with a sweet face adorned with a warm smile that I miss so much.

   And I placed flowers in front of her picture…

   “Fan…”

“I am going to find Phii Fah now.”

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