SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 9: Forever Rain
I sat looking at the picture on the desk and couldn’t help but smile. It was a family photo from when I was six years old. I usually kept this picture hidden in a drawer. I’m not sure why…I just felt a strange tightness in my chest looking at it; there were smiles from my parents. Fan and I were wearing matching outfits, holding hands and smiling broadly at the camera.
Could this family have been warmer? If I were truly their child, huh, I shouldn’t have these thoughts, but it’s not all bad. We used to eat together, go on trips, talk, be parents and children, siblings, and a family.
Half of it was family…
After more than a week, and after I made a promise to Phii Fah, I asked why we needed a promise. Phii Fah said he makes all his students promise like this, many leave before finishing the tutoring because they get discouraged and don’t want to continue. He didn’t want me to be like that, and it wasn’t surprising since Phii Fah was still Phii Fah.
Nothing has changed between us, which I like, just being ordinary siblings, chatting sometimes, meeting for tutoring at a coffee shop, talking on the phone at night for tutoring, but not every night because Phii Fah has other students to tutor. It’s…a bit disappointing, but it’s okay. Nothing hurts more than having to part ways again. It feels like counting down to loneliness again. I’ve started to hate mornings. No…I hate how time moves forward. I used to be someone who looked forward to the morning sun, because it meant another day of my life had passed.
But this is the first time I feel…I hate tomorrow.
I don’t want time to pass. I don’t want tomorrow to come, but I can’t do anything about it. I can’t stop time. I can’t change my father’s mind. I want to stay, but I can’t, there’s nothing I can do.
The simplicity of every day is about to change; there won’t be a man named Tonfah anymore, even though I was just getting used to it. If I have to be alone again, will it be as lonely as before or even more painful?
I love these calm, peaceful days, the simple happiness, starting with a morning message asking if he’s awake, asking how his sky is today, what he’s eating, the deep voice from the other end of the line explaining subjects to me patiently.
The person who always orders hot cocoa for me, the left-handed person who writes with his right hand because he says it’s less bothersome to others, the one who always thinks of others before himself. I’ve often wondered if he ever gets tired of looking after others, the person with a faint scent I can’t identify, but just being close to him is comforting.
How do you have that kind of smile, the one that always heals others, those warm, comforting eyes? Just looking at them makes my heart melt.
Whoever sent you to me, so we could meet, I want to thank them so much…and I want to apologize for not being able to keep you. I walked out onto the balcony to find the sky darkening, the air getting cooler, and soon it would rain. They say the sky is always beautiful after the rain, but what if the rain never stops? It would become endless rain. Every time I look up, all I see are dark clouds. I like that saying, the one about the sky being beautiful after the rain.
But I’m scared…I’m so scared that my rain will never stop. “It’s a shame there’s no sun today,” I said to the plant I had planted, before moving the pot to a shaded area. When it rains, the raindrops won’t splash in; plants need water, but too much can make some rot and die.
I have so many plants on the balcony, almost spilling into the room. Phii Fah bought a lot of them for me, along with a cabinet for my cameras. Phii Fah said if there’s a special occasion, he’ll buy a camera as a gift.
If there is…one.
I really want there to be…I really do hope there is.
Oh…it’s starting to rain.
I stood on the balcony, not minding the raindrops that hit me, no matter how cold it was, I didn’t want to step away from here. I wanted to keep looking at the sky crying like this.
Because the sky cries in streams of rain…
I should take a photo…When I remembered, I quickly went inside to grab my camera and took a picture. It’s a pity that my sky today isn’t very bright, but you’ve cried for me already. I…hardly have any tears left to shed.
My phone vibrated, notifying me that someone had sent a message.
Tf: I haven’t sent today’s sky yet.
Tf: Sends photo
Tf: The weather’s pretty bad today.
Tf: Don’t get caught in the rain.
Just these messages make me smile easily.
The person who looks at the sky with me, will he look up at the sky more often now? Will he notice how it changes every day, or just send it to me casually?
And will he know that he’s becoming someone’s precious sky?
-dust-: sends a photo
-dust-: Yes, please don’t get caught in the rain too.
Tf: Too late for that.
Tf: I’m stuck in the rain.
Tf: sends a photo
It was a picture of a road with heavy rain, with what looked like a motorcycle parked beside it. Saying “stuck in the rain” means Phii Fah went out on his motorcycle and got caught in the rain, huh? The rain has gotten heavier. -dust-: That’s bad 🙁
-dust-: Be careful not to get sick.
Tf: It’s okay.
Tf: Are you in your room?
-dust-: Yes.
:
-dust-: I haven’t gone out at all today, afraid of getting caught in the rain.
Tf: Then it looks like I made a mistake.
Tf: Should have stayed in the room like you.
-dust-: Where are you stuck in the rain?
Tf: sends a photo
Tf: Actually, it’s not that far from your dorm.
I furrowed my brows looking at the picture Phii Fah sent, trying to figure out where it was because he said it wasn’t far from my dorm. I really want to go find him…at the very least, take a shirt or a towel, otherwise, he’ll definitely catch a cold.
-dust-: Wait there.
Tf: Hmm?
Tf: Are you coming?
Tf: No need, what if you get lost?
-dust-: I won’t get lost.
-dust-: You did well. -dust-: Sends sticker Tf: No.
Tf: If you come, I will get mad.
I locked my phone screen, ignoring Phii Fah’s message. I didn’t want him to get mad, but I wanted to go to him even more.
Phii Fah used to come looking for me often, right? When I was caught in the rain…I also want to go find Phii Fah, want to do something for him before I lose the chance to do so again. I hurried to grab an unused towel and a larger shirt, took an umbrella, and ran down from the dorm. I didn’t know how much help it would be, but at least Phii Fah would have someone to share the rain with.
Typhoon…
What a mess.
I shouldn’t have rushed out like this.
Where do I turn now…
I stood there, confused amidst the heavy rain, the umbrella I brought barely holding off the downpour, soaking my body entirely. Why am I so foolish, Typhoon? Phii Fah has been waiting for nearly fifteen minutes now, and what’s worse is I forgot my phone. I thought I had put it in my trouser pocket, but I must have left it somewhere and forgot to bring it with me.
!!
While I was standing there confused, suddenly a hand was placed on my shoulder and pulled me around.
I was startled and quickly looked up to see who it was.
Who…
Wearing a helmet like that, who could tell?
The person in front of me lifted the helmet, revealing Phii Fah, who looked somewhat displeased. He was looking at me. I glanced and saw that he was completely soaked.
“Phoon.”
“…Yes?”
“What did I say?”
“Yes?”
“Saying I would be angry, right? If you come out.”
“…Uh, yes.”
“And where have you been? I called, but you didn’t answer.” “I…got lost, and I forgot my phone, oh!” I was startled because suddenly Phii Fah grabbed my wrist, pulling me to follow him. I felt bad; Phii Fah seemed really angry. I was holding an umbrella in one hand, my arm wrapping a towel and a shirt around it, the other hand being dragged.
I couldn’t see clearly because of the curtain of rain in front of me, but as we got closer, I saw a black big bike parked there. Phii Fah let go of my hand and immediately got on the motorcycle.
“Get on quickly.”
“Yes…yes,” I quickly responded, folding the umbrella in my hand and climbing onto the big bike I had never ridden on before. Then, the person in front of me started the engine and drove off quickly, making me hold onto his waist.
Because of the heavy rain and the strong wind, I had to stay close behind Phii Fah, hoping the towel I had brought wouldn’t get too wet. After just a short while, we stopped at a place where there was some shelter from the rain. Phii Fah quickly took me under cover. He took off his helmet, revealing his wet hair sticking to his face. Phii Fah gently rubbed his hair to shake off the water.
Oh…
Just now…it felt like my heart skipped a beat.
“You’re not too wet, are you?” Phii Fah asked with a worried tone, his face still showing some displeasure.
“No, here, a towel,” I quickly handed him the towel. Phii Fah took it and used it to dry my hair.
I stood there, dazed, letting him dry my hair, clenching my lips to hold back my emotions, but it didn’t seem to help much.
My heart was beating strongly because of this man again.
When he stopped, I took the towel away and looked up.
Phii Fah…was really scary.
I immediately looked down.
“Why don’t you ever listen?”
“…”
“Didn’t I say I would be mad?”
“Yes…I…I’m sorry,” I clenched my lips, furrowing my brows with worry, feeling bad to the core. I had intended to bring the towel and shirt for Phii Fah, but I got lost, making him come look for me, getting even wetter than before…
“Sigh, forget it,” Phii Fah sighed slightly, leaning against the wall, “With rain this heavy, even with an umbrella, you’d still get wet. Why were you standing there like that?”
“I…didn’t know where to go.”
My words made Phii Fah raise his eyebrows, looking not too surprised.
“Yes, I expected this.”
“I’m sorry for causing trouble.”
“It’s okay,” Phii Fah said. I moved to stand beside him, leaning against the wall before Phii Fah reached out to gently pat my head, “If you had stayed in the dorm from the start, you wouldn’t have gotten wet.”
Oh…this is bad.
Rubbing your hair like that…it’s not good.
I slowly moved a little away, Phii Fah seemed surprised by my action before lowering his hand.
“Phii Fah, do you want to dry your hair first?” I asked, offering the towel again, but Phii Fah shook his head in refusal, “Then, the shirt…can you change your shirt? If you stay in those wet clothes, you’ll definitely get sick.”
“Hmm? The shirt, can Phii Fah wear it?”
“Yes, you can,” I said, holding up the shirt. It was quite large. I was sure Phii Fah could wear it.
“Change here?”
“Uh…there’s no one around here.”
“No, that’s not it.” Phii Fah said with a slight smile, “Then, can I borrow the shirt?” He asked. I handed the shirt to him, and he took off his soaking wet shirt, quickly dried himself a bit with the towel, and put on the new shirt.
But I didn’t look directly, just caught a glimpse from the corner of my eye of what he was doing.
I shouldn’t look…shouldn’t look at all.
“Thank you,” Phii Fah said.
“Sure.”
It’s okay, I’m glad to help. Even if it makes things more troublesome for you…
“Then like this, Phoon is stuck in the rain with me, huh?” “Oh…right.” Because the umbrella was no longer useful, the rain was too heavy and the wind too strong.
But…I intended to get stuck in the rain with him.
“Phii Fah.”
“Yes?”
“…Nothing.” I felt like I wanted to say something to Phii Fah. I call him like this often, but in the end, I never know what to say, “Why did you come around here?”
“Just had some errands.”
“I just found out you ride a motorcycle too.”
“Is it strange?”
“No,” I said because Phii Fah seemed more suited to cars, but riding a big bike like this was cool too, “I had never been a passenger on a big bike.” “Is it scary?”
“No,” I shook my head. Even though it was raining, riding with Phii
Fah wasn’t scary at all, “Getting caught in the rain like this is terrible.”
“Exactly.”
“But your friend was riding through the rain that day,” I said, thinking of Phii Fah’s friend who rode a big bike in the rain that day. “Phii Fah doesn’t really like riding a motorcycle when it’s raining, especially when it’s as heavy as today.”
“Oh,” I nodded slightly, indicating I understood.
There was silence between us. No conversation amidst the sound of raindrops falling. We stood beside each other, but we didn’t talk. I wasn’t sure if I should say something or if this silence was better.
“Phii Fah.”
“Yes?”
“What if the rain never stops?”
“There’d be a flood,” he replied.
“…Yes,” I said, letting out a small chuckle, “If there’s a place where it rains all the time, would the people living there ever see a clear sky?”
“Why do they need to see a clear sky?”
“…Well,”
“Some people learn to find happiness in the rain.”
“Oh…”
Phii Fah’s words made me fall silent.
Learning to find happiness in the rain…
Myself…
Learning…to be happy
With the rain that will fall forever.
“That’s right.”
I never thought before that I could smile amidst this painful rain, but as Phii Fah said…sometimes you have to learn to live with it when you can’t avoid it.
I can’t ask the rain to stop, I’ve always prayed for my sky to be clear, but it’s never been clear. I can’t do anything about it at all.
But I have to live with it…
“Phoon.”
“Yes?” I turned to look at the person who called my name.
“You’re smiling, did you realize?”
“Oh…no, did I smile without noticing?”
“Yes,” Phii Fah replied, his face adorned with a smile, “Do you know?”
“What?”
“That you look best with a smile.”
“…”
“Smile often, okay?”
“…Yes, thank you,” I said, bowing my head slightly, letting my heart beat faster, unable to help but smile, “I will smile often.” “Good.” Because I had my head down, I couldn’t see what expression the other person had, but that deep voice made me feel warm as it always does.
Rain like this isn’t so bad after all…
At least we’re together.
We waited until the rain started to stop, then Phii Fah took me back to my dorm. We said a brief goodbye before Phii Fah left. I walked back to my room, and that night we had a LINE call to study together, which has become part of my daily routine. Phii Fah said goodnight to me, and I wished goodnight to him too.
It might just be a casual thing to say. I don’t know if Phii Fah really meant for me to wish goodnightl or if it was just something he said, but it was important to me. I considered it like a bedtime prayer, and
I…
Wanted to sleep well every night…
I wrote a letter to Fan, as I always do. I don’t know since when my letters started having more drawings. I’m not very good at drawing. I can just manage.
I drew a small cartoon of myself and Phii Fah standing together under the rain, colored with markers used for writing. My letters are no longer stained with tears; instead, they are adorned with drawings.
Even if they’re not beautifully drawn, they’re better than tear stains, right?
I hoped to miss Fan every night, but it’s not possible. It’s a longing I can’t control, reminding me that Fan isn’t real, that she can’t be with me, and I can’t go to her.
All I can do is pray…to meet her.
It has become my bedtime prayer.
I got up to turn off the lights in the room, leaving only the dim bedside lamp on. My fear of the dark hasn’t gotten better, but it’s not that bad. I’m used to it. I walked back to my bed and lay down.
Today was another good day. Thank you…
I hope tomorrow I can smile like I did today…Typhoon.
“Phoon.”
“…”
“Phoon.”
“Ah…yes?”
“Lost in thought?”
“Oh. Just thinking about something pleasant, just a little.” “Hmm, anything wrong?” The person sitting across from me raised an eyebrow, looking surprised, “It’s strange that you are treating me to a meal.”
“My dad transferred money to me today, so I wanted to treat you as thanks for the tutoring,” I said, forcing a smile. “Oh, he transferred it at the end of the month, huh?” “Yes,” I answered, nodding slightly before looking down to continue eating.
It’s the end of the month…
What they say about time flying when you’re happy is true. I hardly realize how little time I have left because every day is just another ordinary, yet happy day for me.
It’s about to end.
Just…a few more hours.
I talked to my dad. I talked, begged, pleaded in every way, but I couldn’t even delay the time. I couldn’t help but cry every time I called and tried to talk to him, and we ended up arguing. I didn’t want to argue; I didn’t want us to have to fight.
There was a time when I thought I didn’t have to listen to him since he no longer cared about me, but then my eyes caught sight of the photo on the table.
Our family photo…
Fan is gone.
Mom left me.
I only have my dad…I can’t be without a father.
No matter what…I still love and respect…
As I’ve always thought, it might not have been the perfect family from the start, but it’s my family, the only one I have.
I thought Phii Fah would be angry and not understand, but I…I’ve already done something I never wanted to do. “I thought you would still be mad at me.”
“Uh, not at all. I’m not mad anymore.”
“Okay, that’s good, I won’t do it again.”
I distanced myself and put up walls. I pretended not to like many things Phii Fah did, like stroking my hair, holding my hand, or even something as silly as…
I told Phii Fah that I didn’t like cocoa, to stop ordering it for me.
At that time, Phii Fah…must have felt really bad.
If I suddenly disappeared, Phii Fah would definitely be suspicious. Since Dad didn’t want Phii Fah to know, I had to make Phii Fah not suspicious by making our relationship worse, so lately, we’ve been uncomfortable around each other.
Dad…told me to do this.
So if one day I disappear…it won’t be so surprising.
But believe me…I didn’t want to do this at all.
I’m sorry…
I didn’t dislike you stroking my head. I liked when you held my hand, liked the cocoa you ordered. I wasn’t angry when you were busy and missed an appointment. I wasn’t annoyed by the noise during our calls. I didn’t hate your scent. I liked how you made sure I ate. I liked how you wished goodnight every night. I liked how you cared. I loved every moment we spent together.
I love you…
“And do you want to go anywhere else?”
“…Oh.”
“…”
“Just a moment, let me take this call.”
“Oh…yes,” Phii Fah smiled and nodded slowly. I quickly got up from the table and answered the call.
“Yes, Uncle.”
(It’s the last day, how’s it going?)
“…Bad,…yes.”
(Hmm, I understand. Rati…ah, what can I say. He won’t listen, as usual.)
“Yes…that’s how Dad is.”
Because lately, as I’ve started to distance myself from Phii Fah, I’ve had to keep my emotions in check all the time. Many times, I’ve hurt Phii Fah’s feelings, making me feel an indescribable disgust towards myself. I’ve had to call Uncle constantly, and he’s tried to tell me that this is the best way for us.
(And how’s it going? Does Tonfah suspect anything?)
“…Probably not…yes.”
(Good, it’s best if Tonfah understands that you don’t want to be around him anymore, so he won’t pursue further.)
“…Uncle…”
(What?)
“I don’t want…it to be like this.”
(It’s too late for that, Phoon, it’s already come this far.)
“…Yes.”
(This is the best way, believe me. Last time, Tonfah called Rati too.)
“Oh…really?”
(He asked if you were acting strange, if something was wrong.)
“And what did Dad say?”
(He said…because you don’t like many things, you must be unhappy.)
“…Oh.”
(So Rati said he feels a bit relieved because the two of you will soon be apart.)
“…Yes.”
(Is the situation okay?)
“It’s okay.”
(Good, then I’ll hang up.)
“Yes.”
Then the person on the other end hung up. I let out a heavy sigh. The fact that I had to distance myself from Phii Fah was what Dad wanted; he didn’t want Phii Fah’s family to know I was his illegitimate child. I understood that it would look bad if everyone found out.
I understand…
I have to understand…
I tried to hold back the tears that were about to fall again, my heart beating erratically, my hands starting to go numb. I spent about five minutes standing outside the shop before I could control myself, then walked back inside.
“Phii Fah.”
“Yes?”
“Um…could you help me with chemistry tonight?”
“Oh, but I am not sure if I can make you understand,” Phii Fah seemed to force a smile, because I had once said I didn’t understand his teaching style, even though I really did understand, very well, but saying it had hurt Phii Fah’s feelings. He put so much effort into teaching…
I clenched my lips tightly…accidentally digging my nails into my palm until it hurt.
“Yes. It’s okay.”
“Okay, shall we go back then?” Phii Fah started to get up. I quickly spoke before he could.
“…Can I go back with you?”
“But didn’t you say you didn’t like how Phii Fah drives?”
“…It’s okay, please, let’s go back together.”
“Sure.”
Before I paid for the food, we left the shop. As I walked behind Phii Fah, I reflected on what I had done.
I hate myself.
I hate this version of me who keeps hurting Phii Fah like this. I said I would come to see Phii Fah…came all this way because I wanted to see him, wanted to be with him, but it turned out I was the one making everything worse. If I weren’t here…Phii Fah wouldn’t have to deal with this.
Even if they’re just an acquaintance…if they do something like this, anyone would be upset.
I’ve become the person who ruins everything…
Everything is just wrong.
You never do anything right, Typhoon, you’re just someone who hurts others, making everything worse. No one can be happy with you around.
Why does it have to be like this all the time?
Why are you still here, Typhoon?
“Phoon.”
“…”
“Phoon.”
“…Yes?”
“You look pale, are you okay?”
“I’m okay,” I replied softly, but that was far from the truth. Headache…such a headache, my migraine is back again. Lately, my migraines have been frequent. I went to the clinic and got some medication, but it doesn’t seem to help much.
When I’m angry and frustrated because I can’t do anything, I blame myself even more. I look in the mirror and hate the reflection staring back. The harsh words I use to scold myself are because I hate myself for who I am.
Damn it.
I used to tell myself I could be happy amidst the rain.
I can’t…
Right now, I really can’t.
I leaned my head against the car window, feeling utterly drained, the sharp pain rising continuously, like someone was squeezing my head. I couldn’t help but close my eyes. I didn’t bring my medication with me, but I couldn’t let Phii Fah know about the migraine. Until I fell asleep like that…as if my body couldn’t take it anymore. I drowsily woke up to find myself lying on Phii Fah’s bed…slowly propping myself up, I saw Phii Fah sitting at the desk with his back to me.
When he heard me move, Phii Fah turned around immediately.
“Up already? How do you feel?”
“I…fell asleep?”
“Yes, it seemed like you weren’t feeling well, you have a fever too.”
“Oh…that’s bad,” I said quietly to myself. Stressed out to the point of getting a fever…it doesn’t happen often, but at least the headache has subsided a bit.
“Want to get up and eat something, then take some medicine?”
“Yes.”
“I took the liberty to bring you here because your dorm needs a key and I didn’t want to go through your things.”
“Oh, okay. No problem,” I said, “Thank you,” but my thanks came out in a softer voice. I didn’t know why.
I followed Phii Fah out of the room, glancing at the desk, guessing he was studying, specifically on the chemistry chapter he was going to tutor me on.
Phii Fah also had to prepare to tutor me, but I, in turn…
Oh…damn, my headache is coming back.
I went out to eat the congee Phii Fah had prepared and took the medicine. Initially, Phii Fah said he would wait to see if I was up for studying, but it turned out I probably wasn’t, so he suggested canceling the tutoring session for the day.
“It’s okay, let’s study.”
“It’s better to rest, don’t force it.”
“No, let’s study.”
“Phoon…” Phii Fah furrowed his brows at me, not understanding. Indeed…Phii Fah wouldn’t know that there wouldn’t be moments like this again.
“Please, I want to study.”
“Sigh, alright then,” the other person let out a small sigh. After I finished eating and taking my medicine, Phii Fah placed books on the table in front of the sofa, and then he tutored me in chemistry as he always does. I listened intently as usual, but what I did more than normally was try to remember the voice and scent of the person beside me.
Remember it for as long as possible…
“Is this explanation okay?”
“Oh…yes, it’s okay.”
“Okay, then let’s continue.”
I nodded. We spent nearly two hours on the sofa tutoring. When Phii Fah said that was enough for today, we usually study about this much.
Then Phii Fah told me to go to bed so I could get better quickly.
It’s already 9 PM, huh…
Time flies so fast.
Tomorrow, when the new morning comes…everything will change.
“Should I take you back to your room?”
“It’s fine, can I sleep here?”
“Of course, do you want to sleep on the bed?”
“No, it’s fine. I’ll sleep on the sofa.”
“Okay, then goodnight.”
“goodnight.”
I said “goodnight”…before glancing at Phii Fah as he walked into his bedroom. I was left alone on the sofa, and silence settled in. I leaned back against the sofa, exhausted, taking out my phone to take some presumptuous photos of the room, the corner of the sofa where we used to hang out together. Watching TV, sipping coffee, and chatting, the hanging chair by the window which was always my favorite spot when visiting Phii Fah’s room, the kitchen corner where we once cooked together, the book corner which I guessed must be Phii Fah’s favorite, filled with academic books, knowledge books, all of which had been read many times.
The sky visible from the balcony, the view where you see the sky with the hyacinth plant we bought together, the hyacinth I chose, still well cared for.
I won’t be coming to this room again. Won’t see him sitting here, at that desk where Phii Fah usually studies. I often snuck glances, you know. When he’s focused on something, it’s really charming. I walked over to sit on the hanging chair, staring out the window, only to find there wasn’t a single star in the sky tonight, just an empty expanse.
Sky…are you lonely?
Even on some nights without stars, don’t be sad. The stars haven’t gone anywhere; they’re always beside you, even if you can’t see them, stars who want to shine by your side.
But I’m just an unlucky star without light, waiting only for reflected light, still waiting, and will always wait…to be by your side, even if you can’t see me.
Not the beautiful moon. Not the warm sun, just a small, unlucky star, waiting for the day it fades away into mere dust. But no matter where in the universe, no matter how much time passes, no matter what happens from now on, If you look back…
You’ll find…I haven’t gone anywhere.
I wiped away the tears that had quietly fallen, noticing it was nearly midnight. I lost track of time because I was so lost in thought.
I won’t be able to sleep.
I don’t even know if I’ll be able to sleep again from now on.
Will I return to a cruel nightmare?
But I hope it remains a kind dream…that’s enough. Something compelled me to walk to Phii Fah’s bedroom door, slowly opening it to find the room engulfed in darkness. Phii Fah must be asleep.
I closed the door gently, stepping into the room where only the sound of the air conditioner was heard. The room was cool, and the person on the bed was fast asleep. I carefully moved closer, trying not to make any noise.
It took a while until my eyes adjusted to the darkness. I’m afraid of the dark. Even now, my hands were slightly trembling, but knowing Phii Fah was here made me feel less scared.
I sat down on the floor beside the bed, watching the other person who was sound asleep, breathing steadily. I don’t often see Phii Fah sleeping, and this is the first time I’ve looked so closely.
As if I was spellbound by the sight in front of me. I didn’t want to look away…
This is the first time I’ve watched over Phii Fah while he sleeps…
Let me keep this image…
Even though my body was signaling that it couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to rest, but I didn’t want to sleep right now. I wanted to sit like this forever; it might not be the best thing to do, but believe me…if there won’t be another chance to look at him like this. Anyone would want to stay like this for as long as possible.
I put my arm on the bed, rested my chin on it, and gazed at the person in front of me, gently brushing aside the hair that covered his face, adjusting the blanket because I was afraid he might get cold. I caught a faint scent from the bed’s owner, a scent that made me feel most at ease, yet I had said I didn’t like it.
I’m sorry…
I let time pass without caring how long it was. I do this often…sitting lost in thought until morning, because I often can’t sleep, lost in thoughts about all the things that have happened between us, from childhood, from when we were apart, from when we met again, and now, when we must part again.
I don’t know what will happen next, how sad Phii Fah will be, but I myself am about to fall apart. I don’t know when I’ll have the chance to come back, a year, two years, or maybe ten years, or perhaps there will be no chance. I have no idea…
Whether you’re awake, when you go to bed, what you’ll eat, if you’re okay, how your sky is that day. I will never know again.
But believe me…I will eat on time, eat a lot, just like you always told me. We will try to be happy amidst the rain, be stronger because you won’t be here anymore.
And if one day I become strong enough…I want to come back to you.
Because every moment spent with you…was so happy.
I don’t want to leave…I never wanted to leave you.
Before I knew it, the morning light had arrived. I let the tears flow, slowly reaching out to gently take the hand of the person in front of me, softly pressing my lips to the back of his hand, with all the feelings that were overflowing inside me.
I love you.
I love you…
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