SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 8: Promise
“You woke up early,” I turned to the voice, Phii Fah had just woken up and walked out of the bedroom, looking slightly surprised to see me up before him. He was now standing by the kitchen counter, making coffee.
“Good morning,” I smiled, “Would you like some coffee? I will take the liberty to use the coffee machine,” I said, pointing at the coffee machine I had just turned on. I don’t make coffee often because I don’t need to drink it, but I thought it might be nice to try making coffee on such a morning.
“Good morning,” Phii Fah smiled back, then sat down on the sofa,
“Make one for me too, please.”
“Okay,” I nodded in agreement and turned to make another cup of coffee. Glancing at the clock, I saw it was around half past six. Even though it was a holiday, Phii Fah woke up very early, “Do you usually wake up this early?”
“Yes, I woke up early today too.”
“Just a little bit.”
Actually, I hadn’t gone back to sleep at all. I couldn’t sleep after waking up in the middle of the night. There was no way I could sleep after a dream like that. I spent almost the entire night until morning looking up how I could dream like that again.
“You seem to be in a good mood.”
“…Really?” I furrowed my brows slightly at his comment even though my back was turned to him. Did I really seem that much happier, or was it because Phii Fah was too good at reading people?
“Maybe because I had a good night’s sleep.”
“Hmm…that’s good then.”
I carried the freshly brewed coffee over to the table in front of the sofa, placed it down, then sat on the smaller sofa, taking a sip of my own coffee.
“What was the dream about? Can you tell me?” Phii Fah asked again, lifting the cup of coffee I had just set down, “You make good coffee, by the way.”
“Thank you,” I smiled in response. I must have been in a good mood like Phii Fah said; today felt brighter than any day in the past few years, “As for how I miss Fan…I can’t really explain it.”
“That’s too bad, I was curious.”
“I can only say that the dream was good,” I said, looking at the person sitting next to me before quickly averting my gaze when he turned to look, catching me sneaking a glance. It seemed like he was smiling a little.
Today, Phii Fah seems to be in a good mood too.
I don’t know, he just looks a bit different from usual.
“Have you looked up information about the dorms yet?” “Oh…I found it,” I said, pulling out my phone to show him. I had screenshotted information on several dorms I was interested in, “Here,” handing it over for him to see. Phii Fah took it and began to scroll through.
“How about we go check them out today?”
“Don’t you have to go to your friend’s birthday party?”
“That’s in the evening.”
“…Okay, then I’ll trouble you a bit,” I said, and Phii Fah nodded slightly. After finishing his coffee, he placed the cup in the sink and excused himself to take a shower. I waited on the sofa.
From what I’ve learned about dreams, I think we dream about what we think about a lot. Like how I blame myself for Fan getting hit by a car, obsessing over it, which makes me dream about it often, including issues with my parents. But if we’re at peace and not overthinking, we tend not to have bad dreams.
So, if I want to dream about Fan again, I need to make myself feel at ease and not overthink, which I’ve been trying to do all this time but haven’t succeeded. I think feeling at ease comes from being with Phii Fah.
Yes…since I’ve been staying with Phii Fah, I’ve barely had any bad dreams. If I do have bad dreams, it’s probably when I’m scared that Phii Fah will learn the truth. But now that things have turned out this way, whether Phii Fah learns the truth or not, I’ll lose him anyway because I have no other choice left.
I took out my phone when I heard it ringing, seeing that Uncle Kong was calling. What could it be? Why call so early in the morning?
“Yes?”
(Sorry for calling so early, I was worried.)
“What…what’s wrong?”
(I heard you had a fight with Rati?)
“Uh…yes, yesterday I…got a bit angry.”
(That’s okay, are you alright?)
“Yes, I’m okay now, how is Dad?”
(He’s angry, but I’ve scolded him quite a bit too.)
“What did you scold him about?”
(The same old thing, that he should pay more attention to you, after all, you are his son.)
“…It’s okay, Uncle. Anyway…nothing will get better.” (Sigh, it’s good that you are okay. Oh, I’ve transferred the money.)
“Yes, thank you.”
(The money for this month will be a bit less, Rati said he has a lot of expenses.) “Okay.”
(That’s all then.)
“Okay.”
Then the other party hung up. When Uncle said Dad had many expenses, it must have been about Dad’s daughter. Little kids are so expensive. I’m fine, it’ll help save some money for Dad too, older siblings have to make sacrifices for the younger ones, right? Even if we’ve never met, she’s still my little sister. Just seeing her picture makes me feel a fondness I can’t describe.
After a while, Phii Fah came out of the bathroom. We went outside, stopped for a meal, and headed to look at the dorms I had researched.
“Would you like to use a motorcycle?” Phii Fah asked.
“Uh…no.”
“Hmm, then getting around will be a bit difficult.”
“Yes, it’s just that I…don’t really know how to ride a motorcycle.” “…Really?” Phii Fah turned to me, almost not believing what I said, which made me look at him with a wry face.
“Yes. It’s not that I can’t at all, but I’m not very good at it. Fan wouldn’t let me ride either, saying it’s dangerous, not to mention I tend to get lost,” I said, thinking back to how Fan was so worried she wouldn’t even let me drive, not just because of the risk of accidents but also because she said there was a risk of getting lost and not being able to get home.
“How about I teach you to drive?”
“Drive?”
“Yes. Even if you don’t use a motorcycle, at least you should know how to ride one.”
“That’s true,” I nodded in agreement.
“And about getting lost, you think we need to solve this problem.” “…” I was slightly surprised to notice that the other person’s voice had turned more serious.
“Even if it’s been like this since childhood, I think it can be fixed, right? If it’s like this, daily life will be difficult. If you get lost, I probably won’t be able to find you like before.”
“Uh…yes,” I gave a dry smile to the other person, feeling an indescribable emptiness inside.
Phii Fah drove me to look at the dorms I had found, and after checking out three places, we found one that I liked. Although the room wasn’t very spacious, it was big enough for one person, and everything else was good. I decided to move into this dorm. “Can I move in today?” Phii Fah turned to ask the landlady who was showing us the room.
“Yes, just pay the deposit first, and you can move in.” “Is it okay then?” Phii Fah turned to ask me again. I nodded in response, “Yes, can we sign the rental agreement now?”
“Yes, let’s go down to the office downstairs.”
After I signed the rental agreement, the landlady said I needed to pay the deposit first, but then I realized my father hadn’t transferred this amount to me yet. The money he had just transferred wouldn’t cover the new deposit.
“Six thousand.”
“Uh…” I was stunned for a moment. What should I do? Should I tell the landlady I’ll pay another day?
“Here.”
I turned to look in surprise at the person who had just handed over six thousand baht in cash to the landlady. Why would Phii Fah pay the deposit for me?
“Uncle asked me to give it to you.”
“…Really?”
“Yes,” Phii Fah said with a slight smile, which made me not dare to ask further. It was strange, why would my father give the money to Phii Fah? Actually, it was strange that my father allowed me to move dorms in the first place; he had said there were a lot of expenses right now, having already paid a hefty deposit for the old dorm without getting it back, and now there’s another deposit for the new one. Or maybe…
I unwittingly furrowed my brows, looking at the person sitting beside me with a troubled expression.
Phii Fah…
“Is there something wrong?” Phii Fah raised his eyebrows to ask. I shook my head gently because I didn’t dare to say anything.
Why…
If Dad didn’t initially agree to move dorms, but Phii Fah was the one who told me to move, why did he do that? Was it because he was worried? And now, he has to pay another six thousand baht for the new dorm.
Is this…too kind? No, it’s really too kind.
But maybe it’s not like that. I should probably ask my dad first. “We still have plenty of time, shall we move your stuff today?” “Today?” I raised my eyebrows in surprise.
“Yes.”
“…Okay.”
Then Phii Fah called a moving company to help transfer my things from the old dorm to the new one. It only took one trip because I didn’t have much stuff; actually, I had a lot but had thrown most of it away. Within an hour or so, everything was moved here. “No…you don’t have to help, let me organize things myself,” I
quickly said to stop Phii Fah when I saw him taking things out of the cardboard boxes.
“It’s okay, there’s not much, it’ll be done soon.”
“But don’t you have to go to your friend’s birthday party soon?”
“It’s okay to be a little late.”
“Oh…thank you.”
“You have a lot of cameras,” Phii Fah remarked when he saw my collection of cameras. Indeed, I had collected them over many years,
“You should probably get a special cabinet for them.”
“I’ve thought about it, but I never got around to buying one.”
“How about we go buy one later?”
“…Okay,” I agreed, feeling overwhelmed by his kindness; he was going to take me everywhere. Since I was organizing with my back turned, I didn’t know what Phii Fah was doing.
“I still think the same, you know.”
“Yes, what is it?”
“I think you would be better suited to study photography.”
“Uh…”
“I’m not trying to interfere with your decisions. I just think that’s all,” I turned to look at Phii Fah who was arranging camera equipment for me.
“You’re not interfering,” I said softly.
Phii Fah was right. I wanted to study photography more, but it’s fine, I can learn on my own. For now, there are other priorities.
“Phii Fah.”
“Yes?”
“I want to…take the entrance exam for medicine.”
“…Really?”
“Yes, can you help tutor me?”
“Sure, I can.”
“Then, please help me.”
“Okay,” Phii Fah nodded slightly. Tutoring wasn’t anything unusual; he must have tutored many others before. But for me, it would be great. Besides getting help from Phii Fah, I’d also get to talk to him more often, especially after moving to the new dorm, I wouldn’t be staying over at Phii Fah’s place anymore.
“Then, Phii Fah will leave now.”
“Yes, drive safely.”
“See you.”
“Yes, see you.”
I watched Phii Fah leave my new room. In truth, I wanted to ask him to send a message when he got there, not to come back late, not to drink too much, but I couldn’t. I walked back into the room to continue arranging my things.
This room isn’t bad at all. It looks better than the old one; I hadn’t even gotten used to the old room before I had to move again.
Oh…right, I should call Dad.
I hesitated for a long time before I could bring myself to make the call, hoping I wouldn’t be bothering him.
“Are you free?”
(Free, what do you want?)
“I want to apologize for yelling.”
(Hmm. It’s okay.)
“And about moving dorms…”
(…)
“Did you send money to Phii Fah?”
(Hmm, yes. I sent it myself, afraid if I gave it to you, you might lose it.)
“Oh…thank you.”
(Is there anything else?)
“No, that’s all.”
(Hmm.)
Then Dad hung up. This was our normal conversation, with no questions like “Have you eaten?” or “How was your day?”, just business matters. Dad always talks to me coldly like this and quickly hangs up.
So…he really is my dad, huh?
Damn, how could I be so biased towards myself? But anyway, I’m glad that Dad agreed to let me move dorms, and agreed to pay even though there are money problems right now.
I don’t know how…but I’m happy. Thank you for still caring about me a bit. “Yes, Uncle.”
(Tonfah, I’ve already told Phoon.)
“Oh, did Phoon really ask?”
(Yes, why did you have to do it this way?)
“It’s better that Phoon doesn’t know it was me.”
(I told him not to make you move dorms, but if Tonfah wants you to move that badly, you can tell me.)
“It’s okay.”
(If he gets too clingy and bothers you, just let me know.)
“No, it’s fine.”
(Hmm, then I’ll hang up.)
“…”
-dust-: Please let me know when you arrive.
Because of concern, I decided to send a message to ask. After Phii Fah had left for about fifteen minutes, it took almost half an hour before my message showed as read.
Tf: Arrived.
Tf: Anything wrong?
-dust-: Took you long enough.
-dust-: Is the shop far?
Tf: No, but there was traffic.
Tf: Why?
Tf: Something wrong?
-dust-: Oh, no, nothing.
-dust-: Just asking.
That’s it.
Phii Fah’s response left me at a loss for words, as if my wanting to chat seemed strange, so he asked “Anything wrong?” twice. I didn’t have anything specific; I just wanted to talk, was worried, and wanted to know if he had arrived.
Tf: Is everything okay at the dorm?
-dust-: Okay, why?
Tf: No, just thought something might have happened, that’s why Phoon messaged Phii Fah.
Tf: Phii Fah must be worrying too much.
Tf: Sends sticker
I secretly smiled at the sticker that looked relieved.
Cute.
Very cute.
-dust-: Sends sticker
Tf: That sticker is cute, lol.
Tf: I’ll go see my friend soon.
-dust-: Have fun.
Tf: sends a sticker
I smiled broadly looking at my phone screen again. This is all I needed. I glanced around the room where some things were still not fully organized, then hurried to continue arranging them. I didn’t forget to neatly arrange my desk area, putting up Fan’s picture like before. Once everything was sorted, I went out to the balcony. Now I can look at the sky from a new angle, and speaking of which, the sky today is quite bright. Although I don’t often notice it because I’ve been spending the whole day with Phii Fah.
I sat back on the bed because I had nothing to do, and being tired from moving today, I drifted off to sleep without realizing it. I looked at the scene in front of me, my heart beating irregularly, both legs feeling stiff, almost unable to move.
Fan…
Just like last time, she was at the marble bench in front of the house. I looked down to see I was wearing the same clothes as before, Torfan sitting across from me. On the table, there were small stones laid out for playing a game of checkers.
“…”
I pressed my lips together, feeling a tightness in my chest, looking at the sweet smile of the person sitting there, her eyes full of brightness, reminding me of all the longing I had, and this time I also felt that the loneliness, the pain, and the longing were being filled.
“Come sit down.”
“…”
I slowly walked closer, sitting down opposite her like before, but this time, I didn’t feel like crying in front of Fan anymore. I wanted to smile at her, to talk, to let her know how happy I was to meet her.
“Want to play?”
“Hmm.”
“Phoon, you go first.”
“Let’s do rock-paper-scissors.”
“Phoon, you should go first, I will let you.”
“If you lose, don’t be a sore loser.”
“I won’t be a sore loser, make your move,” Fan’s words prompted me to reach out and move the stone piece, just like when we were kids, we often played together because there was a two-colored grid in the middle of the marble table. We used it as a chessboard, with differently shaped stones or sometimes leaves as pieces.
There was no conversation between us. I was surprised at myself for not wanting to say anything right now. We moved our pieces in silence. I looked up to see Torfan smiling continuously, her light brown eyes not as sad as they were the last time we met.
“This strategy won’t work anymore.”
“But I always get stuck with it.”
“I told you I’d let you win.”
“Let me win or are you just not good enough?” I said, smiling slightly at her.
“Such a smart mouth,” Fan laughed softly at my words before moving her piece again. I quickly moved my piece to capture hers.
And then I won…
“Want to play another game?” I asked.
“No, it would just end the same,” Fan shook her head gently, giving me a small smile. “How has your day been? We haven’t written to each other today, have we?”
“Hmm…I’ll write soon, I have to write anyway,” I reached out to hold the small hand that was extended towards me. We held hands tightly. I lowered my head, allowing her small hand to gently stroke my hair back and forth. “I’m glad they reached you.”
“Some letters were unreadable, all smudged.”
“Some days were just rough,” I said, thinking of the letters I wrote through tears, making them all blotchy.
“But we’ve made it through.”
“Yes, we’ve made it through.”
“Thank you for making it through.”
“…Hmm.”
I looked up, tears welling up around my eyes, watching Torfan look at me with sorrowful eyes, her warm hand trying to wipe away my tears.
“But from now on, I don’t know how I’ll get through it,” I said.
“But you have to get through it.”
“I don’t know if I can,” I tried to control myself not to cry in front of
Fan again, pressing my lips together to hold back my emotions, “If
Phoon…doesn’t want to endure anymore, can I?”
“…”
“Just let everything end. No need to endure. No need to try anymore.”
“…”
“Then I can be with Fan.”
“Live for me.”
“Hic…”
“Phoon, do you know that since I found out I had a little brother, you’ve been the person I love the most?” Her sweet voice spoke softly, her warm hand gently wiping away my tears again, caressing my face tenderly. I held onto that hand, “Can you do it for the person I love the most?”
“…hic, hmm.”
“Since we were kids, I have tried to take care of you the best I could, so…don’t hurt the person I love. Take good care of yourself, eat a lot, like when I served you rice.”
“Huhu, hmm.”
“Eat only delicious things, like what I used to find for you to eat, take yourself to good places like when I took you on trips, tell yourself you’re loved often, like how I told you I loved you.”
“Hic, huhu, Fan…”
“One day it will definitely get better. Until then, I will be watching over you, Phoon,” tears streamed down her pale cheeks, her sweet face stained with tears but still smiling as she always did, “Phoon isn’t just a piece that no one sees, Phoon is Fan’s Typhoon, you’re Torfan’s little brother, do you know how happy Fan was that our parents gave us similar names?” “Huh, hmm, huhu…”
“Don’t cry.”
“But Fan…sniff, you shouldn’t cry either.”
“You cried first, you big baby.”
“I’m not a baby,” I said before quickly wiping my tears again, “See?
Not crying anymore.”
“Very good.”
“…Fan.”
“Hmm?”
“I don’t have much time left to be with Phii Fah,” I said with concern, furrowing my brows in stress, “If we have to part…what should Phoon do?”
“…It’s hard, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it’s hard to leave someone you want to be with the most.”
“If you pull away, Fah will definitely be angry.”
“…Yeah, that’s right.”
This made me remember that what Phii Fah hates most is being ignored, no matter how much you yell or use harsh words. I think nothing makes Phii Fah angrier than being ignored. When we were kids, Fan and I once pretended to ignore Phii Fah for a prank. Not even an hour passed before Phii Fah got really mad and didn’t talk to us for a whole day.
And Phii Fah also hates things without reason; if I suddenly distance myself from Phii Fah without explanation, I can’t imagine how mad he would be.
But how…could I tell him?
How could I bear to make you angry at me…
“Fah will understand…trust me.”
“…”
“But it will take time.”
“How long will it take?”
“I don’t know.” Those comforting words helped me feel a little better. At least, I hope Phii Fah will understand, and one day, maybe even Dad will understand me, “Dad, he…”
“Is dad cruel to you, Phoon?”
“…”
“Hmm…does he not love you at all?”
“I love dad, even though it’s like that,” I held Fan’s hand with both of mine, bowing my head to touch my forehead to her hand, “even though…it’s like that.”
“It’s okay.”
“…”
“This place isn’t ours yet, there must be somewhere out there that is…somewhere in this world.”
“…”
“And one day, I will definitely find it.”
“Really?”
“Really, have I ever lied?”
“…Never.”
“Right…so believe me.”
“…Hmm, thank you.”
I woke up in the middle of the night. It wasn’t a sudden wake from a nightmare; it was the best kind of dream. Maybe because it wasn’t my usual bedtime, I woke up. I had fallen asleep without even turning off the light, huh? I looked at the clock to see it was past eight in the evening.
The dream I had just now made me feel indescribably better. As I’ve said before, I’m not sure if that was really Fan or just something I imagined, but it was good…really good. All of that was what I’ve always needed, the comfort, the person I missed.
Can I have dreams like this every night, please…I want to keep having dreams like this forever.
I went down to the convenience store under the dorm to grab something to eat, took a shower, and then thought about reading, feeling refreshed despite the late hour. And I didn’t forget to write a letter to Fan first.
Come to think of it, it’s past eight; has Phii Fah come back yet? I checked the chat to see it was empty; the last messages we exchanged were from earlier in the evening.
Maybe I should message him; there’s a part I don’t quite understand, even though I’ve asked for clarification before.
-dust-: Phii Fah, are you back yet?
-dust-: After nearly fifteen minutes, the message finally showed as read.
Tf: Not yet.
Tf: But it should be soon.
Tf: Anything wrong?
Oh…asking what’s wrong again.
Whatever…it’s only natural to ask.
-dust-: I was reading and there’s a part I don’t really understand.
Tf: Oh, what subject?
-dust-: Math.
Tf: Don’t understand the content or the problem?
-dust-: Confused by the problem.
-dust-: Can’t solve it.
Tf: Can you send a photo?
-dust-: Sends photo
Tf: Just a moment.
It took less than five minutes for Phii Fah to reply.
Tf: Sends photo
Tf: Here’s an easy method. If there’s anything you don’t understand, feel free to ask.
It was a picture of how to solve the problem I couldn’t do, written on a napkin. I guessed it was because he was at a restaurant and didn’t have paper, plus the method Phii Fah used was pretty concise and easy to understand, with a shortcut.
-dust-: Thank you.
-dust-: Sorry to bother you.
Tf: It’s okay.
Tf: If you have anything else, you can ask me.
-dust-: How was the birthday party?
Tf: Nothing much, really.
Tf: Just like a regular drinking session.
-dust-: Did the birthday person like the gift?
Tf: He said it was okay.
-dust-: That’s good then.
-dust-: I don’t know if it will suit him, though.
The message showed as read, but Phii Fah didn’t reply for almost five minutes before sending back a photo.
Tf: sends a photo Tf: It suits him.
It was a picture of a guy wearing the jacket I had chosen, turning to give a mocking smile at the camera. It looked very fitting on him; in fact, this guy could probably wear anything and look good. Plus, he looked dangerously handsome, in a way I couldn’t quite describe.
-dust-: It really does suit him.
Tf: Then, I will go now.
-dust-: Okay.
-dust-: If you are back, can I ask more?
Tf: Sure.
I waited nearly half an hour before Phii Fah sent a message saying he was back. I didn’t know if this was normal for people who tutored each other, but Phii Fah called me, saying he would tutor me. My heart skipped a beat when I saw that Phii Fah was calling.
“Yes…?”
(Yes, do you have anything else to ask?)
“Math, trigonometry.”
(Are you going to take the exam again?)
“Yes.”
(Then it’s going to be tough because trigonometry is very difficult, and there’s a lot of it too. How about Phii Fah teaches you everything from scratch?)
“Oh…that would be good, I don’t understand it well either.”
(How was it when you studied math at school?)
“Hmm…well, I didn’t understand it much.”
(You didn’t understand it from back then, right?)
“Yes.”
(So let’s start tutoring from the beginning, what time is Phoon free?)
“Actually, I’m free almost all the time.”
(Then let’s study together until close to the exam, so I can help you review.)
“…Oh, that’s great, thank you.”
(Tutoring every day, don’t get discouraged.)
“I won’t get discouraged.”
(And don’t suddenly say you don’t want to study like this, okay?)
“I won’t.”
(Then let’s make a promise that you’ll stick with me until the exam.)
“…”
(Phoon, are you still there?)
“Oh…yes.”
(Do you promise?)
“Yes…I promise.”
Promise…to stay by your side. Even if it’s not until that time comes.
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