SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 7: Dreamed
To, Torfan
Sorry I didn’t write a letter yesterday, I stayed overnight with Phii
Fah again because the power went out in my dorm. Phii Fah said that my dorm isn’t very good, so he’ll find a better one for me, which is very kind of him.
During the day, Uncle Kong came to see me. He told me about my father, Fan…Fan, do you know how cruel my father has been to me? I apologize, I shouldn’t say such things about my father, but I…I don’t know, saying I’m disappointed might not be right, because I had no expectations, and it’s not exactly about feeling hurt, because my feelings are already broken. It’s a feeling like, deep down, I know. Even though I never thought about it before, when my father does this, it doesn’t really surprise me.
My father wants to move me to study somewhere else because he doesn’t want me to be close to Phii Fah…So, I asked Uncle Kong to talk to my father, just asking for one more month, and after that, I won’t bother Phii Fah anymore. Even though I’ve always wanted to see him, we only get to meet for a short time before parting again. Just the thought makes my heart sink, but maybe it’s not that bad…perhaps. At least, I’ll get to see Phii Fah sometimes. I have felt like a liar these past few days…It’s terrible. At first, I was thinking about telling the truth to Phii Fah, but after my father called and said that…forget about telling the truth, the time we can spend together keeps getting shorter.
In this one month, I want every minute to be valuable; I’ll spend as much time as I can with Phii Fah. Even if Phii Fah might find it annoying…what can we do, there’s only one month left. After that, Phii Fah will truly become an unreachable sky.
Watch Phii Fah be happy. Who knows, maybe if Phii Fah doesn’t have to look after me, he might feel more at ease, it must be tough for him to always be with me. Maybe leaving…could be better for Phii Fah.
Wish me luck, Fan.
With love and always missing you,
Typhoon
I really wanted to write more to tell Fan, but given my current state, I decided to close the letter and put it away in the drawer, quickly wiping away tears. Just now, the paper was covered in tear stains. I glanced at Fan’s picture again, her smile always heals me. Whether it’s a bad or good day, that day becomes better with your smile, and I can get through it.
I will get through this.
Like every time before…
I was startled by the sound of the phone ringing; I had just hung up with Phii Fah when I saw it was Uncle Kong calling. That name made me feel uneasy; please let it be good news.
“Yes,” I said into the phone.
(Phoon, I called and talked to Rati about your request.)
“…What did Dad say?”
(He said no.)
“…”
I clenched my lips tight, feeling my heart sink.
(I tried to talk him into it. I’ll talk to him again when I get back.)
“…Thank you, Uncle.”
(Hmm, don’t stress too much.)
“Yes.”
I hung up the phone, and then tears I didn’t know where they came from started to flow down slowly. Damn it…my head hurts so much. After crying a lot, my head always aches like this. I raised my hand to massage my eyebrows and temples for a while, hoping it would ease the headache.
Then I decided to call my father.
I waited until he answered.
(What do you want?)
“It’s about school. I want to study here.”
(Do you think you decide where you study?)
“…”
(Do you know how much it costs to send you to school? I have the right to choose where you study since I’m the one paying.) “If I have to study somewhere else, you’ll have to pay another application fee.”
(…)
“Please let me study here. I won’t bother Phii Fah…just for one month.”
(Kong told me. Not even for one month.)
“…please.”
(Two weeks.)
“One month, please, I beg you.”
(No.)
“…You’re so cruel, even though…I’m your son.”
(…)
“I am your son…whether you want it or not, you might see me as a mistake, yes. I am your mistake, look at me…you made this mistake, because you cheated on your wife…
(Typhoon!!)
“Yes, hic…I am Typhoon. I am Typhoon, your son…legally, legally.
I am your son.”
(What do you want!)
“Me?” I started sobbing and shouting louder than I usually do, but now I’ve lost control and can’t manage myself.
I felt like…I was ready to break down again.
“You…hic, what do you want?”
(I want you to stay away from that family.)
“Because it’s embarrassing, isn’t it…very embarrassing, right? Very embarrassing, hic…huhu, it’s good that you’re embarrassed, because it’s all your fault.”
(…you!!)
The tone of his voice indicated that my father was angry, very angry…as he usually is in situations like this. I felt good that at least it was just a phone call. Otherwise…things could have gotten more intense.
“Will you blame me, why blame me? What did I do? I was just born…I didn’t even choose to be, you’re the one who chose…hic, huhu.
I…I…”
(…)
“If I could choose, I’d want to have a normal family like everyone else!”
I hung up without waiting for an answer from Dad. I didn’t care anymore…I didn’t care about his words anymore. I would stay here…I would stay here. No matter what…I would stay here.
Please…
Please don’t take everything away from me again.
I sat hugging my knees and cried for nearly an hour. No calls came back from Dad, no calls from anyone. I hate it when I sink into these terrible feelings and can’t pull myself back out, as if my tears would never stop. No matter what, they kept flowing endlessly.
I sat leaning against the back of the chair, feeling drained, staring blankly at the white wall. This might have been one of the few times I raised my voice at my father. I yelled out wanting a normal family like others, yes…maybe it’s something many people are born with, a father, a mother, or just guardians.
Someone to be a refuge. Not having to cook delicious meals. Not having to prepare a bed, not needing gifts or important celebrations. I just hoped for an ordinary family. No need for free time to go out, no need to eat together on holidays, just someone who wouldn’t leave, who would care about me, listen, and ask.
And sadly, that person…
Was someone I once had…
I slowly got up from the chair and sat on the bed, hugging the teddy bear Fan had once bought for me, holding it tight and crying again.
Fan was my family…the only one I had, and I couldn’t keep her. We parted without even understanding each other. At that time, we were still arguing. I was still stubborn. I didn’t treat her well. I didn’t even have the chance to say sorry. And Fan…she never got the chance to hear my apology.
When I lost her, I realized that no matter how much I regretted it, I would never be forgiven again.
“Sorry…Phoon is sorry.”
After crying for nearly two hours until I had no strength left, I tried to pull myself together to wash my face, make some hot tea, and drink a cup hoping to feel a bit better. I looked at the teddy bear I had been hugging earlier; it definitely needed washing now.
It was that stained.
My eyelids were heavy, and my head and eyes hurt, but this state wasn’t all that unusual, it happens often. That’s why I wonder if tears will ever run out.
While resting, I used the tea bags I had chilled earlier to soothe my swollen eyes; they really help with the swelling, which is something Fan taught me.
I turned towards the door when I heard a knock, peeked through the peephole, and saw it was Phii Fah.
Phii Fah…
Why…
“…yes?” I slowly opened the door, looking at the person in front of me with confusion, “Phii Fah…is something…wrong?”
“Sorry for not telling you beforehand, but can you stay over with me tonight?” Phii Fah said with a slight smile.
“Stay over?” I raised an eyebrow in response to his words. “I still haven’t found a new dorm for you, this one isn’t very good, what if the power goes out again?”
“…Oh, okay.” I nodded, “Then…I will go pack a few things.” I said before turning back into the room. Phii Fah was too kind, but it was a good thing, I suppose.
“Can I come in?”
“Sure.” I replied without thinking, forgetting that my walls were covered with pictures of Fan. I quickly turned to see Phii Fah looking at those pictures with a surprised expression.
“Hmm…Fan, huh? She doesn’t seem to have changed much.” Phii Fah said with a smile, his surprise fading, “Where did you go on this trip?” he asked, pointing to one of the photos.
“Oh…Rayong, I think,” I looked at the photo and tried to remember, “Probably.” I also noticed the used tea bags I had used for my eyes lying there; would it seem strange to have used tea bags on the table? I quickly packed my things as fast as I could; if Phii Fah noticed more of my personal items, it wouldn’t be good…
“Oh…Phii Fah, this morning when you went out, Hill called,” I said, remembering, as we were walking to the car, “He said to call him back.”
“Oh…did you answer the call?” Phii Fah turned to ask. I nodded in response, “Next time, you don’t have to answer the call.”
“…Okay.”
That’s right…I shouldn’t have interfered. Phii Fah probably doesn’t like anyone messing with his phone.
Speaking of which…what was the urgent matter that made Phii Fah rush out this morning? Even if I want to know, it’s better not to ask.
It’s not something I should be asking about, it’s personal after all. I heard the phone ringing again, and I saw it was Uncle Kong calling. I let out a big sigh before excusing myself to take the call. “Phii Fah can wait in the car first. Phoon needs to take this call for a moment,” I said.
“Okay,” Phii Fah replied, then walked to wait by the car. I moved a little further away and answered the call.
“Yes, Uncle.”
(Phoon…did you say something? Rati is really angry now.) “…Yes. I…just…” I immediately furrowed my brows, feeling stressed, wondering if I was going to get scolded again.
(Oh, forget it for now. Anyway, Rati has agreed. At first, he was only going to give you two weeks, but I talked to him, and he agreed to one month.)
“Will…that’s true?”
(Yeah, one month, and after that, don’t bother him anymore.)
“…Yes.”
It’s strange, one part of me is secretly happy; at least Dad agreed to let me be with Phii Fah for another month, but another part feels an aching emptiness.
(I’m sorry if I couldn’t help more.)
“It’s okay, Uncle. I’m already very grateful for this,” I said with a sad smile.
(Phoon…just hang in there for now.)
“Everything will get better, right?” I repeated the words Uncle had once told me.
(Yes…)
“…Yes, then I’ll hang up now.”
(Hmm, we’ll talk later.)
“Okay.”
I hung up the phone, stared at the screen for a while, then tucked it into my pants pocket.
Just hold on, everything will get better soon.
I hate this phrase so much…will it really get better? I’ve been using these words to console myself for how long now, and until now, nothing has improved.
Will it get better?
When?
Just be patient?
How long do I have to be patient…I can’t take it anymore, do I still have to endure?
“Are you okay?” That was the first thing Phii Fah asked when I got into the car, his expression showing a bit of concern, which made me smile unintentionally.
“Why?”
“Your face is a bit pale.”
“Oh…”
“I think you should get a health check-up. I happen to have some free time now.”
“A health check-up?” I turned to ask the person next to me, with a look of surprise, “No…I’d rather not, I guess it would be the same as always.” I said. Even if I went for a check-up, there would probably be nothing except for not eating enough and not sleeping enough. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.” I nodded.
“Then can we stop by to buy something?”
“What are you going to buy?”
“A gift.”
“A gift?”
“Yes, it’s a friend’s birthday tomorrow, and I haven’t got a gift yet.”
“Oh…sure.”
“Can you help me choose a gift?”
“I’m not sure if I can help.”
“Okay.”
Before the luxury car parked in the underground parking lot of the mall, I followed Phii Fah around. I had no idea what kind of gift he wanted to buy, we’d walked past many stores already.
“The other day, I was also looking at these kinds of things, but still didn’t know what to buy,” Phii Fah casually mentioned, putting his hand in his pocket and looking bored. He must not realize that by acting like this, he was attracting even more attention from passersby. It’s a pity I didn’t bring my camera; if I had taken a picture now, it would look like one of his clothing ads, but even if I had a camera, it would still seem strange to take a photo. “Do you have any ideas for buying gifts?”
“None at all. What kind of person is Phii Fah’s friend? Maybe that will help us think of what to buy.”
“Oh…just a moment, he’s calling right now. Phoon, wait here for a bit,” Phii Fah said after checking his phone. I nodded to show I understood and sat down to wait inside a clothing store.
“What’s up?”
(Tonfah.)
“What?”
(Annoying.)
“Why?”
(Your ex called me this morning, like fifteen times, the jerk.)
“Did he call you too?”
(Yeah, and what’s with him, why does he have to call so much?) “Maybe he had a problem with his new partner, so when he couldn’t reach you, he called the rest of us instead. Hill got it too, he just called me to complain.”
(Stupid.)
“Sigh, he’s in trouble, isn’t he, Jo?”
(I’m in trouble too, damn it. I want to sleep, I’ve blocked the number already.)
“Yeah, block it, Hill has already blocked it too.”
(When will you stop getting involved?)
“I don’t gain anything from it.”
(Heh. You don’t gain anything, but you rush over when he calls.)
“He’s in trouble, what can I do?”
(Just stay out of it.)
“Jo.”
(Just stay out of it, that’s enough.)
“Jo, don’t do anything.”
(When did I say I would do anything?)
“You can’t be trusted.”
(This is just causing trouble, Fah.)
“I’ll handle it myself. I won’t make it hard for you guys.”
(Fah.)
“I know, is there anything you want to say?”
(Even if I don’t say it.)
“You’ll know anyway.”
(Hmm.)
“Sounds quite irritated.
(He’s been bothering me since morning.)
“Whose voice is that?”
(Chin.)
“Your mom, Chin?”
(Yeah, she’s calling me to go shopping again, buying so much I thought we were opening a secondhand store.)
“Oh, I heard you were helping her carry stuff.”
(Hah, you think I want to?)
“I came to buy you a birthday gift. I don’t know what to get, do you want anything special?”
(You won’t surprise me at all, huh?)
“No, just tell me what you want.”
(Anything. You don’t have to buy anything, I don’t really want anything.)
“Do I have to buy something?”
(Just buy anything.)
“Hmm.”
(Yeah.)
“Shall we go to another store?” Phii Fah came back to where I was waiting. I nodded, and we headed to another store. It seemed like Phii Fah really had no ideas for gift buying. We walked around almost the entire floor, “Sorry for making you tired.”
“It’s okay,” I said, shaking my head slightly. I wasn’t tired at all.
“How about buying a shirt?”
“That could be good.”
“Hmm…but he already has so many shirts.”
“What kind of person is your friend?” I asked the same question again, “Maybe it will help choose the gift.”
“Hmm…it’s hard to explain, but he’s someone who has everything, so it’s difficult to buy something for him.”
“Is he quite well-off?”
“You could say he’s very rich.”
“Oh…” I fell silent for a moment, pondering, “Then, how about making a gift? It would be unique.”
“I don’t have time to make something,” Phii Fah said, before his gaze shifted to one particular store, “Let’s stop at this shop instead.” I followed Phii Fah into a high-end clothing store that I guessed must be very expensive.
“Which one is good?” Phii Fah asked me, pointing at two jackets hanging there; both were beautiful. I’ve never had someone ask me to help choose a gift before. I didn’t know which one would suit him better.
“Uh…I can’t decide.”
“You can choose the one you like.”
“But…”
“Just choose one, don’t overthink it.”
“Then the one on the left.”
After that, Phii Fah picked up the jacket on the left and went to pay. I caught a glimpse of the bill; it was in the five digits, but I couldn’t see the exact amount clearly.
It’s in the tens of thousands…
And he chose the one I liked.
What if I like it but the guy doesn’t?
“What if I like it but he doesn’t?” I asked as we walked back to the car to return to the condo.
“It’s fine, he said I could buy anything. Since I couldn’t decide, having you help choose was good,” Phii Fah said in a relaxed tone, glancing at the mirror and gently turning the steering wheel. The luxury car began to move out of the parking lot.
Today, I got to help Phii Fah choose a gift, Fan.
That’s nice.
Just something small like this is enough.
Another thing is that Dad agreed to let me stay here.
Even if it’s not the best, it’s good enough.
“Tomorrow, Phii Fah is going to a friend’s birthday party,” Phii Fah mentioned as we arrived at the room. I was searching through my bag, looking up at him as he spoke, “In the evening.” “Oh, okay, should I go back to the dorm or…”
“You can stay here. I won’t be gone long.”
“Okay.”
I nodded and secretly smiled.
“Don’t drink too much,” I said when I remembered, my words making Phii Fah smile slightly, in an affectionate way.
“Okay. Normally, I don’t drink much anyway.”
“Oh…okay.”
“Don’t forget to look for information on new dorms,” Phii Fah reminded, “Tomorrow we can go look for a new place.”
“Okay.”
We cooked dinner together, making up for the breakfast we didn’t finish and had to throw away. Then we sat on the sofa and watched a movie together. What we did today reminded me just how happy I am to be with Phii Fah, and I didn’t want to lose it.
I really didn’t want to lose you.
Really.
“Phoon.”
“Ah, yes?”
“Lost in thought? Is the movie not interesting?”
“Oh, no, not that. Just thinking about something pleasant,” I quickly turned my attention back to the TV screen when I realized I was caught staring at him.
Until we finished watching the movie together. I wanted to note down what movies I watched with Phii Fah, so if I watch them again, I can remember.
Staying with Phii Fah wasn’t particularly special, but it made me feel warm and safe in an indescribable way, giving me the comfort of seeing someone within sight, which was my peace of mind. “Goodnight,” Phii Fah said about Fan as he was about to close the bedroom door, “Are you sure you want to sleep on the sofa tonight?”
“Yes, goodnight.”
“Okay,” Phii Fah smiled, before closing the bedroom door. I collapsed onto the large sofa, pulling a thin blanket over me, trying to close my eyes and surprisingly, I drifted off to sleep easily tonight.
“Phoon.”
“…”
“Sit down.” Huh?
Everything before my eyes seemed blurry, with shades of pink and blue, before a marble bench appeared in front of me. Gradually, the surroundings became clearer, revealing the front yard of our house. Home? Why am I back at home?
I looked around in confusion, then looked down at myself to find I was wearing pajamas.
Is Fan here…
Then the person sitting in front of me must be…
The smiling face of the woman I’ve always thought of. She was smiling widely, kindly; Torfan was sitting on the marble bench in front of me. I rushed over to her immediately.
“Hic…huhu,” I stopped in front of her, standing there crying. I’ve always prayed, always wished to see Fan. Even just in this dream, it would be enough, I wanted to see her, wanted to see her…”Fan…Fan.” “Phoon, don’t cry, sit down first,” the sweet, familiar voice spoke softly. I sat down opposite her. Fan was wearing the outfit I last saw her in, on the day she was hit by a car.
“Fan…Fan, why, hic.”
“Don’t cry. No.”
The small, warm hand gently wiped my tears, which only made me cry harder. I reached up to hold that hand.
“Fan…I miss you, I miss you,” I took her hand and kissed it, glancing at the person who was still smiling gently in front of me.
Thank you…
Thank you for still smiling at me.
“Fan…I misses I, misses…you, all the time…sniff”
“I know…you tell me every day.”
“…sniff, sob”
“In the letters.”
“sob…sniff, sob”
“I also miss you, Phoon.”
“Ohh,” I sobbed uncontrollably, almost unable to breathe when I heard what she said, “sniff, sob”
“Phoon…”
“sob, sniff”
“You’ve been through a lot of bad things, haven’t you?”
“sob, sniff, uhm, sob…sniff”
I had millions of words I wanted to say, but at this moment, I couldn’t say a single one. I just kept crying, crying until it felt like my heart would break, every feeling, every longing, everything was stuck in my chest.
“It’s okay.”
“sniff, sniff, sob”
“You did well.”
“…”
“You did very well, for everything you’ve been through.” “Fan…gasp, sob” I could hardly see because of the tears blurring my vision, the image in front of me was blurry, but I sensed that Fan had also started to cry.
“Hic, I’m sorry…hic, sorry for not being there with you.” I held Fan’s hands tighter, bowing my head to rest my forehead against her palms.
“Sorry…huhu, I’m sorry too, sorry, Phoon is sorry.”
“Hmm, hic, huhu. It’s okay. It’s really okay.”
“Because of Phoon, because of Phoon…Fan, therefore…” She showed a faint smile and gently shook her head.
“No…not at all.”
Then slowly, her hands moved to cup my face, her beautiful eyes looking at me through her tears.
“It’s not your fault at all.”
“Bu…but…”
“Don’t cry anymore…brave one.”
“Hmm,” I nodded slightly, my lips pressed together, before hastily wiping my tears away, “Thank you, thank you, always thank you.”
“Phoon.”
“Eat more, okay?”
“…” Fan’s words made my tears flow again. I slowly nodded in agreement, “How is Fan?”
“…” No answer came, but her eyes, wet with tears, reflected a deep sadness.
“Why did we only meet now, even though…”
“Phoon, I have always seen you.”
“But…it’s about back then.”
“Yes…” Her voice was soft and sweet, both her gaze and smile were so sad it hurt, her pale face stained with tears, “This is just a dream, what you will see…depends on your emotions and feelings.”
“…”
“Your sadness is too much.”
“Fan…”
“Hmm?”
“Fan, you are…still with me, right?”
“I haven’t gone anywhere, right? I am always by your side, right? sniff…”
“…I don’t know.”
“sniff…sob, sorry, it must be very painful, right?”
“Phoon.”
“…Yes?”
“Listen.”
“Uhm…”
“It might be hard…but sometimes you need to be strong.”
“…”
“In the end, everyone has to face things alone…you can’t always depend on others.”
“…”
“But right now, it’s not easy, is it…For the next month, I will pray for you, may you only encounter good things, have only good memories, and after that…no matter how much it hurts, you have to be strong.”
“…sniff, sob”
The warm hand gently stroked my face.
“No matter what happens…”
“sob…hug”
“Phoon, please love yourself the way I love you.”
“sob, sniff” !!!
I woke up, feeling my heart pounding fiercely, tears streaming down my face. I slowly sat up, hastily wiping away my tears, but when I thought back to the scene from the dream, I wanted to cry again. I took some time to compose myself, then got up to wash my face, looking for water to drink to calm down. I stood leaning against the kitchen counter, staring outside for a while, my mind full of confusing thoughts.
Fan…
…why do I dream of things like this?
Before this, I dreamt of Fan often, but it was always about the past or the day Fan died. I had never dreamt like this before. I don’t know what it was, was that really Fan…or was it just my imagination? There’s nothing that can give me an answer, because people often say that dreams happen because we think about someone a lot, and the events in the dream are what we want to happen.
Because I wanted to see her.
Because I wanted to apologize.
Because I wanted to be forgiven.
To read the letter as I was told, to hear my apology, to receive forgiveness, the warmth from her hands, her smile, her voice, her comfort, her concern, her goodwill, her love, all those things. I don’t know if it’s real.
But even if it’s just in a dream, Even if you’re no longer really here, At least…
At least…
You still always heal me.
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