SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 6: Goodnight, Again
“…”
I could only remain silent, looking at the person in front of me with confusion before my heart started beating so hard I couldn’t control it.
This isn’t good, my heart shouldn’t be beating this strongly.
“Do you remember why?”
“…”
“Phoon.”
“Yes,” I quickly regained my composure, turning my attention to what Phii Fah was saying, “Yes, why?”
“When we were kids, when I just referred to myself as ‘Phi’ (big brother), you would get confused about which ‘Phi’ it was because there were many kids we knew around the neighborhood. So, I had to use his name so that you would know.”
“Oh…”
“You don’t remember?”
“Uh…no, I don’t remember at all.”
I couldn’t remember what Phii Fah was telling me; I couldn’t recall him ever just calling himself ‘Phii’ before. Was it because of this reason?
Because he referred to himself like that since childhood?
“Yes, if I didn’t say it like this, it wouldn’t feel right.”
Ah…it’s just something he’s been used to for a long time.
It’s not good…because my heart went and hoped on its own, which is why it hurts like this now. Deserved, Typhoon, deserved…for hoping like that, it’s just pathetic.
“Yeah…that’s how it is, but Phii Fah you don’t have to use his name like that anymore. We’re not kids anymore,” I said softly, breathing with difficulty, feeling my whole chest area constricted.
“Hmm. It’s okay, I’m used to it.”
“Oh, I see.”
“Or do you not like it? If you don’t like it, Phii Fah won’t use his name anymore.”
“I don’t dislike it…” I answered truthfully. Whether it’s out of habit or whatever, it’s better that he only does this with me…yes, it has to be better, “You can keep referring to yourself like that.”
“Then you should call yourself by your name like before too,” Phii Fah said with a kind smile.
“…Yes.”
“By the way, how’s the neighborhood? Has it changed a lot? Phii
Fah hasn’t been back since moving out.”
“Well…it has changed a bit. Like the candy store is gone, the playground we used to run around in is now a row of shops,” I said, thinking about what has changed around the neighborhood since childhood. Everything changes with time, and it always makes me feel nostalgic when I think about it, “The storage shed…our secret base, it’s been demolished.” “Oh…that’s too bad.”
“…Yes, it’s a pity.”
“Alright then,” Phii Fah said, getting up from the sofa, “Shall I make some hot cocoa? So you can sleep better.” I was slightly surprised that he suddenly changed the topic, but I nodded in agreement right away.
“Can I help?”
“No need, do you like it sweet?”
“It doesn’t have to be sweet.”
“Okay,” Phii Fah responded. I watched the host of the room walk over to the kitchen area, and in no time, hot cocoa was placed on the table in front of me.
“Thank you,” I expressed my gratitude before reaching out to take the cocoa cup, “Doesn’t Phii Fah want some?”
“No.”
“Have some, you might sleep better,” I offered, holding out the cup, but Phii Fah shook his head gently.
“I usually sleep easily because there’s not much time to rest.”
“Oh…”
“More often, I try to keep myself from getting too sleepy.”
“Is it a heavy workload?” I asked, taking a sip of the cocoa. This hot cocoa is so delicious…it makes me think of Fan. When I couldn’t sleep and I would whine to Fan, she would get up and make something for me to drink before bed.
“Yes, veterinary studies are tough too. Try your best.” “Yes,” I nodded, glancing outside. It seemed like the rain was getting heavier, with no sign of stopping.
“Actually, if there’s anything you don’t understand, you can ask me.”
“…Ask?”
“Yes, the first-year content isn’t that hard; I can tutor you.” “Thank you,” I said softly, “I’ll…come and ask.” My words made the person in front of me smile a little wider.
“Then you can sleep now. Would you like another blanket?”
“It’s okay.”
“Yes, then Phii Fah will go to sleep. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight too.”
Phii Fah went to drink water from the fridge before disappearing into the bedroom, and silence returned to the room once more. I thought of something and went to grab my phone to take a photo.
It was a picture of an empty cocoa mug on the table.
This might be one of the few photos on my Instagram that isn’t of the sky.
With the caption, “goodnight.”
“It’s morning,” a familiar, gentle, deep voice spoke, waking me up as I slowly opened my eyes to find Phii Fah gently shaking me.
“…Uh, yes.”
I slowly sat up, the sunlight from outside making me instinctively rub my eyes a little, but a firm hand immediately grabbed my wrist.
“Don’t rub your eyes.”
I looked at the hand holding my wrist before he let go.
“…Yes.”
“Go shower first, then we’ll have breakfast together.”
“Breakfast?”
“Yes, the breakfast we said we’d make together.” Oh…right.
Cooking together.
After I showered and got dressed, I put on the same clothes from yesterday, thinking they could be worn again, and today I would probably go back. Walking out, I saw Phii Fah preparing things on the kitchen counter.
“Come help chop some vegetables, can you do it?”
“I can.”
I walked over to help, as I mentioned, I’m not that skilled, but I can manage because I used to help Fan cook often. While I was trying to chop vegetables, I stole a glance at the person standing next to me, and once again, I felt a warmth in my heart.
Phii Fah in this light…I never thought I’d see him like this. “Be careful not to cut yourself,” Phii Fah warned, probably because he saw I was distracted. I quickly turned back to what I was doing, embarrassed, “You can do it.”
“…Really?”
“You are good at this too, I told you to have some confidence in yourself.”
“Ah…thank you,” I said, thanking him again, unknowingly smiling. It’s nice like this. Even if I’m in the role of a younger brother, if it doesn’t hurt too much, it’s not so bad.
I still want to have an older brother, no matter the role.
No matter what…I don’t want time to change this.
While we were cooking, the phone rang. Phii Fah turned to look at his phone, which was sounding on the table, quickly wiping his hands before picking it up. I, who had to continue preparing the meal, didn’t see, but I could hear Phii Fah’s voice.
“Is it okay?”
(…)
“It’s fine, I’ll come over.”
(…)
“At the usual place, right? Wait for a bit, um…just ten minutes, wait ten minutes, and I’ll be there.”
(…)
Normally, Phii Fah’s voice would sound calm and composed, but now, it sounded like he was in a rush. Yes, that voice was full of urgency, something not often heard.
“Phoon, I will go out for a bit.”
“Oh…okay.”
“You don’t have to cook, just wait for me to come back.”
“Yes.”
Before Phii Fah put on a jacket, slipped on his shoes, and hurried out of the room, leaving me standing confused in the room alone. Because Phii Fah said to pause the cooking, I turned off the gas stove and carefully set down the knife. Who called, and what could have happened to make him leave in such a hurry?
At least it must be something important.
I went back to sit on the sofa where I had slept last night, folded the blanket neatly and placed it. I only now noticed the hyacinth we bought together, which was on the shelf beside the bookcase. I wonder if Phii Fah takes care of it, but he did promise to try his best. I’ve been waiting for almost twenty minutes, but there’s no sign of the room’s owner returning. I walked over to check the ingredients and the partially prepared food. Phii Fah said we’d cook together… It’s okay, he just has something more important to deal with. Suddenly, the phone rang again. I recognized it as Phii Fah’s phone because mine doesn’t have that ringtone. I followed the sound to find it still on the table.
He left in such a hurry he forgot his phone…
I looked at the screen, which showed the name ‘Hill’ calling. Hill?
If I remember correctly, this is the name of a friend Phii Fah mentioned he wanted to introduce to me.
I hesitated for a long time about whether to answer or not, because it’s not my phone, would it be too intrusive to pick up? But thinking he might have urgent business, I could at least tell him Phii Fah wasn’t here.
“Ye…yes?” I answered with a shaky voice.
(…Where’s Tonfah?)
The deep, calm voice on the other end sent a slight shiver down my spine, sounding like the caller was not pleased that it wasn’t Phii Fah answering.
“Phii Fah is not here, he forgot his phone.”
(And who are you?)
“…Phii Fah’s little brother.”
(Uh…where did he leave his phone?)
“In his room.”
(His room? And where did he go?)
“Someone called, and he rushed out.”
(Hmm, when he gets back, tell him to call me back, okay?)
“Okay.”
Before the other person hung up, this guy seemed so cold. Why would Phii Fah want to introduce him to me? When the call ended, the phone screen locked. I put it down and after a while, it was my phone’s turn to ring. Incoming call: Uncle Kong Uncle?
“Yes, Uncle.”
(Phoon, are you free today?)
“Yes, what’s up?”
(I’m in Chiang Mai today, let’s have dinner together.)
“Oh…sure, what time?”
(Can we meet in about thirty minutes? Where’s your dorm located? I’ll come pick you up.)
“Uh…it’s behind the university. When you arrive, you can call me.”
(Alright, see you then.)
“Yes.”
I hung up, smiling slightly. Uncle Kong is my dad’s secretary. As
I’ve mentioned, I talk more with my dad’s secretary than with my dad. Uncle Kong used to visit us often since we were kids; he’s a very kind person, knows everything that happens in our family, including that I’m not the biological son, yet he’s still very kind to me.
I actually wanted to wait for Phii Fah to come back, but since I had already made plans with Uncle, and Phii Fah said he’d be back soon but there was no sign of him after so long, it should be fine to leave before he returns. I can’t even message him to let him know because he left his phone behind.
I left Phii Fah’s room, got into the car, and returned to my dorm. I quickly changed my clothes and went out to have a meal with Uncle. “How are you doing here?” Uncle Kong asked as soon as I got in the car.
“It’s good, and how about you, Uncle, are you well?”
“I’m well, you talk like we haven’t seen each other in ages, we just met before Phoon left Phuket.” “Yeah, do you have business here?”
“Yes, just a little business. Since I’m in Chiang Mai, I thought I’d visit Phoon.”
“Oh.”
Before we stopped in front of a restaurant, while we were sitting at the table waiting for our food, Uncle Kong chatted about all sorts of things. I’m glad Uncle Kong is still around. Even though he’s not family, just an acquaintance, at least he talks to me nicely, doesn’t shout, doesn’t speak ill, we meet sometimes, eat together, and asks if I’m doing well…that’s all I really need.
“How long until the term starts?” Uncle Kong asked while scooping food into his mouth. “About two more months.”
“Oh…that’s good, do you travel around by car often? Do you know the roads yet?”
“Not really,” I shook my head slightly, “I don’t go out much.” “Come to think of it, I still haven’t bought you a congratulatory gift for passing the exam, do you still want that camera?”
“It’s okay, Dad already bought it for me,” I said. Dad just transferred the money because I called and asked for it. He doesn’t want me bothering him too much, so he transfers the money to end it quickly. “Rati is always like this,” Uncle Kong said. Rati is my dad’s name. Uncle Kong and my dad are quite close because they’ve been friends for a long time, and they still work together, “Sigh, Phoon, actually, I didn’t want to tell you about this.”
“…What is it?”
“Rati consulted with me about wanting you to study somewhere else.”
Uncle Kong’s words made me put down my spoon immediately. I was stunned because I couldn’t believe what I had just heard.
“Uh…what is it?”
“He’s really mad that you met Tonfah. At first, he didn’t think much about wanting to study here, but when he found out that Tonfah is here too, it made Rati think that you might do something bad.”
“Something bad…what is that? I didn’t…”
“Yeah, but in his mind, he thinks you will tell Tonfah something.” “…I never thought of that,” I said softly, lowering my head, clenching my lips tight, feeling uneasy. “Why would he think that?”
“Hmm…”
“Dad doesn’t see me in a good light anymore, does he?” I said, because Uncle’s troubled expression told me instantly. “Why? This matter…”
“Rati doesn’t want Khun Wichai and Khun Pha to know about
Torfan, you know why, right?”
“…Yes,” I clasped both hands tightly. “Uncle…can you tell me more details? Why doesn’t Dad want Uncle and Aunt to know to that extent?”
My words made the person sitting across from me look even more troubled, letting out a heavy sigh before beginning to explain. “If you want more details…Rati really respects both of them, and he’s always been concerned about his own image. He once thought he wanted his daughter to date Wichai’s son.” Dad wanted Fan…to date Phii Fah?
“In front of Wichai, he always tried to make himself look good, from choosing good women to date, to having a lovely daughter. In fact, Torfan’s name actually comes from Tonfah.”
“…How so?”
“Initials T and F.”
Oh…right, T and F can be both Tonfah and Torfan.
“So he also lied to Khun Wichai and Khun Pha about you. When
Tonfah was born, Khun Wichai and Khun Pha were still in Germany. By the time they came back, you and Fan were already two and three, so he could lie to both of them, saying he had two children.” I nodded in understanding, because during the time I was left behind, you, uncle and aunt, were abroad.
“If Khun Wichai and Khun Pha knew about Fan’s death, they would definitely suspect why Rati and Pim got divorced, why Pim left even though you were still there, if they knew the truth about Rati…” Uncle Kong looked worried the whole time he was telling me the story. I felt some pain myself, but the truth is the truth…
“If uncle and aunt knew that my father fooled around with someone else and that I am his extra marital child, it would disappoint them, wouldn’t it?” “Probably…”
“And…why, if he abandons me even more, wouldn’t it look bad in uncle and aunt’s eyes, why…why?” I asked while trying to hold back tears, trying to control myself as much as possible. Uncle looked at me with pity and reached out to hand me a tissue.
“Phoon…”
“Because my father doesn’t love me, right? He probably doesn’t even want to see me…” I bit my lip so hard it bled, not as painful as the turmoil in my heart at that moment.
I understand…I understand now, because my father doesn’t want to take care of me. If he left me here and uncle and aunt saw me, he would have to pretend to love and care for me for them to see, and he doesn’t want to do that.
Uncle Kong consoled me for a while until I got back to normal. No matter how many times I think about it, it still hurts. Just thinking…just thinking that I’ve never been loved, not even a little bit.
Just thinking about it…
My heart feels like it’s shattering into pieces.
“And…about saying father wants me to…study elsewhere,” I said softly, head down. Even now, my hands barely had the strength to hold each other.
“To keep you away from them, of course.”
“No…I don’t want that.”
Tears started to well up again. No…no, don’t take Phii Fah away. No. I have no one left, please…please, just this, can I have just this, can I have Phii Fah?
“No, please, I beg you, please,” I looked up with hot, teary eyes, my lips pressed tightly together in pain, but more than that was the deep ache in my heart.
“Phoon…that’s not something for me to decide, I’m just here to tell you,” Uncle Kong said in a calm voice, trying to soothe me. “Actually, there are still some universities accepting students. Rati wants you to study somewhere else.”
“…No…not that.”
“Phoon…”
“Uncle…you know, I feel…”
I let the tears flow, trying my best to stifle my sobs, quickly grabbing a tissue to wipe my tears in a rush, so others wouldn’t notice.
“I know…I want to stay with Tonfah, right?”
“…Yes, sniff.”
“I’ll talk to Rati again, at least you won’t have to transfer to another school.”
“…”
“But, Phoon…you’ll have to keep your distance from Tonfah.
Otherwise…”
“Uncle.”
“Hmm?”
“If I don’t get too involved with Phii Fah, it will be okay, right?”
“Well…maybe.”
“Then one month.”
“…?”
“Just one month, let me stay with Phii Fah for just one more month. I won’t tell the truth about Fan. I won’t let anyone know, just one month, and then I won’t bother Phii Fah anymore.”
“Phoon…”
“Sniff…please.”
“…Hmm, I’ll tell Rati like this then.”
“…Yes, sniff, thank you, Uncle.” Yes…just this.
You don’t have to be by my side, that’s okay, just let me see you.
Just let me see you a little…my sky.
“Phoon, if anything happens, call me.”
“Yes, thank you,” I thanked him again as I stepped out of uncle’s car, said goodbye for a while longer, before walking back up to my room, collapsing onto the bed in exhaustion.
Not physical exhaustion, but my heart that was tired.
Why…is my love so hard to come by?
Maybe it’s right, the person by my side, Phii Fah shouldn’t have been Phoon from the start…
I glanced at the picture on the wall in front of me.
Fan…
Why…did it have to be like this?
If it were Fan, everything would be better, wouldn’t it? If Fan were still here…none of this would have happened. No way, everything would be perfect with Fan.
I constantly wondered why it wasn’t him who was hit by the car that day.
If we could trade places…I’d want Fan to be here instead, to be the hope and Fan for the parents, to be the happiness for everyone, to be by Phii Fah’s side, to do what Phoon could never do, to be what Phoon could never be.
I’m so tired, Fan…Phoon is tired and it hurts.
Does it hurt this much…just to keep living?
I just don’t want to be alone…just want someone by my side. Just don’t want…to sit here hugging myself and crying like this anymore.
With my parents, I used to demand love, used to demand attention, but now…if there’s no love, can we at least not hurt each other? I…do I have the right to be happy…or not?
After crying and hugging myself on the bed for nearly ten minutes, my phone rang, pulling me out of my reverie. At times like these, when I’m spiraling down, it’s hard to pull myself up, and I’ve never managed to do it. I just keep sinking deeper into that pain.
Phii Fah called…
“…Hello,” I answered the call and tried my best to keep my voice from trembling.
(Phoon, where are you? Why haven’t you answered when I called several times?)
“Oh…I’m sorry. I didn’t hear it.”
(And where are you now?)
“I’m in my room.”
(Are you okay? Why did you suddenly leave?)
“Oh…it’s because an uncle I know was going to take me out for a meal, so I left early. Sorry.”
(Oh…it’s good as long as you’re okay.)
The anxious tone from the other end of the line made me think, at least, he still cares about me.
“Phii Fah.”
(Yes, what is it?)
“Phoon wants to go out again tomorrow. Can you take me out?”
(Oh…sure.)
Just one month.
Just one month to be with Phii Fah…
I want it to be a month full of memories between us.
And it…will become the most precious memory for me.
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