SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 5: Rainy Day
It’s raining…
I don’t know when it started, but by the time I noticed, raindrops were already falling. I gazed out the window dotted with raindrops. The sky when it’s overcast sometimes makes me feel lonely, but I still like to look up at it.
When they say I look at the sky positively…that’s probably true.
How could I look at you in a negative way?
Can’t be the sky for anyone…Is that so…
But even so…I still see you as my only sky.
No matter what happens…you’re still the only one I always look for.
And it will never change.
No matter what you think…I won’t change.
We were at a traffic light before turning into my dorm. After we went out together, when it started to rain, Phii Fah hurried to take me back. I secretly glanced at the person beside me for a moment before turning back. Phii Tonfah…
I once asked about the meaning of his name. He said because his father wanted him to be a sky higher than anyone else, a sky that everyone looks up to, and his mother wanted him to be a tree, one that sways with the wind but never falls, providing shelter to others. So, Phii Tonfah lived up to his parents’ expectations, being a sky above all, providing shade like a tree. As for me, I’m someone who just happened to pass by, fell for this tree, chose to seek shelter here, knowing full well I couldn’t stay here forever.
“It’s bad, isn’t it? The traffic is this heavy,” Phii Fah said. This brought me out of my reverie, looking ahead to see the road packed with cars. When it rains like this, traffic always jams up, it seems like the cars haven’t moved for a while.
“Indeed.”
I was slightly startled when I heard a knock on the car window from the driver’s side, seeing a big bike stop nearby. The rider wore a black helmet and leather jacket, tapping on the window with the back of his hand. Phii Fah looked over, furrowed his brows, and slightly lowered the window to hear what the other person was trying to say. The window was only lowered a little to prevent the rain from splashing in, so the person outside couldn’t see me, and the rider lifted his helmet slightly, so I couldn’t see his face either.
“Where are you coming from?” Phii Fah asked.
“Had some errands, you?”
“Out for fun. You’re not wearing a raincoat, you’ll catch a cold.”
“I’m beyond that.”
“Where are you heading?”
“Back to the condo, damn rain,” because of the heavy rain, I couldn’t hear him clearly, but he seemed pretty annoyed, “Where are you going next?”
“Heading back too,” Phii Fah said, “Drive carefully.” “Yeah, you too, see you later.” Before he closed his helmet and quickly rode away on his big bike as soon as the light turned green, while cars still had to wait a bit for the one in front to move.
“Uh…is that your friend?” I asked.
“Yes.”
I watched the black big bike from earlier; he was riding so fast, and it was so scary. With such heavy rain, why would he drive that fast?
Isn’t it dangerous?
“Is something wrong?” Phii Fah asked, noticing my concerned expression.
“It’s dangerous, driving like that,” my words made Phii Fah smile slightly.
“It’s okay. That’s normal for him.”
“Oh,” I nodded in understanding, which made me even more curious about what Phii Fah’s friend was like. He seemed so different from
Phii Fah, “What’s his name?”
“Johan, why?”
“Oh, no reason. He just looks…uh.”
“Are you interested?”
“No, not really.”
“If I had to introduce a friend, Johan would be the last one I’d want to introduce,” Phii Fah said in his usual tone, not sounding distressed,
“Oh, maybe second to last.”
Introduce a friend…to me?
“Why’s that?”
“He’s a womanizer. Even though he’s great in other ways.” “And if…you were to introduce someone?” I asked softly, with my heart starting to beat faster for no apparent reason, and it also ached slightly at his words.
“Probably Hill.”
“Why him?”
“He’s the best.”
“You’d introduce him because he’s good?”
“Yes.”
No, Phii Fah…you are the best for me.
“Why do you think you should introduce someone to me?” “Just saying that. I just think it would be good if there was someone to look after you, Phoon,” Phii Fah said, “And if it’s someone who will take care of Phii Fah’s little brother, Phii Fah would want them to be a good person, someone trustworthy.”
“Oh…yes.”
“If you decide to date someone, they should pass by Fan first, right?” “Probably so.”
“Then they have to pass by me too.”
“…Yes.”
Phii Fah’s little brother…
I’ve tried to seek clarity, even though everything is already clear.
Just getting this much…is good enough.
When the luxury car turned into and stopped in front of my dorm, it was surprisingly dark; there wasn’t a single light on, while the adjacent dorm was brightly lit.
Don’t tell me there’s another power outage.
“Is there another power outage in the dorm?”
“Seems like it,” I said, looking inside with concern. I’ve only moved in a few days ago, and it’s the second time the power has gone out.
“Can you manage?”
“Uh…honestly…” I fell silent, wanting to say it was fine, but looking inside made me start shaking. I would have to walk inside, go up the stairs, and navigate the dark hallways before getting to my room. Even if I managed to get inside, I’d have to endure being in a dark room.
“Then stay with me tonight.”
“Sorry…for bothering you again.”
“It’s okay,” Phii Fah smiled before turning the car around and heading back to his condo instead, “Phoon.”
“Yes?” I responded immediately when he called my name.
“How many days have you been living here?”
“Uh, not even a month yet.”
“Is your room okay?”
“It’s…okay.”
“Do you often hear noise from the neighbors?”
“Quite often, yes.”
“What about the hot water and air conditioning?”
“The hot water doesn’t work. As for the air conditioning…it’s not very good.”
“Ah…I figured as much.”
“Why?”
“The power has gone out twice in less than a month, and the dorm next door hasn’t had any outages,” Phii Fah said in a flat tone, “Did you research the place before moving in?”
“No…Dad found it for me.”
“…Really?”
“Is there something wrong?”
“Your dad probably didn’t research the dorm well. From what I looked up, this dorm isn’t very good, even though it’s expensive.” “Oh…” I bit my lip, feeling a pang in my chest when Phii Fah said that Dad didn’t research properly. At first, I was secretly happy that Dad had found the dorm for me, which I thought meant he still cared about me, but now, it turns out… “You should move to a better place.”
“I can’t move; I just got here.”
“You should move. I’ll help find a new dorm for you.”
“Dad will scold me for this, I’ve already paid for everything.”
“It’s fine, I will talk to uncle myself.”
“Uh…”
I fell silent because I didn’t know what to say when Phii Fah sounded so serious. Soon after, we arrived at Phii Fah’s condo. When we got to the room, I noticed something unusual. A hanging chair…it wasn’t here the last time I came.
“I just ordered it,” Phii Fah explained when he saw me staring at it for a while. It was a hanging chair by the window, with a small table in front and a sofa on the other side, probably a relaxation spot.
“Can I sit there?”
“Yes,” when Phii Fah gave permission. I sat in the hanging chair by the window, and with the rain outside, it felt even more relaxing. I like it a lot, enjoying sitting here, lost in thought, looking outside like this. When I looked up slightly, I saw the sky from Phii Fah’s room’s perspective.
I didn’t get to see it last time, but the sky from here is beautiful. It’s a pity that Phii Fah said he doesn’t like looking at the sky that much, even though it’s so beautiful from here.
“Can I have uncle’s number?”
“Huh?”
“I will try to talk about moving your dorm.”
“Well…”
“Or do you not want to move? If you don’t want to, that’s okay.” “Yes…” Then I gave Phii Fah my dad’s number. If Phii Fah is talking about this, it must mean that the dorm isn’t good at all. Even though I don’t really want Phii Fah and my dad to talk.
Please don’t let Dad get angry…
“Hello, Uncle. It’s Tonfah.”
(Oh…Tonfah, are you well? We haven’t talked in a while, have we?)
“I’m fine, how about you, uncle?”
(I’m fine, how are your parents?)
“Mom and Dad are fine.”
(Really? Good to hear. So, what’s up? Why did you call me?) “It’s about Phoon.”
(…Phoon? What happened?)
“It’s about the dorm you chose for Phoon.”
(The dorm? Wait, did he go find you Tonfah?)
“No, not at all. I study here too, so we met.”
(Oh…is that so? I didn’t know you were studying there.)
“Yes, but about the dorm…”
(Hm, what about it?)
“I think Phoon should move to a different dorm because, in reality, this one isn’t very good.”
(How is it not good?)
“There was a murder there two years ago which made many people move out. With fewer residents, the management doesn’t care much about it anymore, so the electricity, water supply, and appliances are not in good condition. I think moving to a new dorm would be better for Phoon.”
(Murder? Oh, then why is the rent so expensive?)
“Yes, the rent is expensive but not commensurate with the quality.” (Then, shouldn’t we negotiate to lower the rent instead? Moving is a hassle, and I’ve already paid a hefty deposit.)
“Phoon won’t last in that dorm, uncle.”
(Come on, he’ll get used to it. That murder was two years ago; it’s not an issue anymore.)
“Okay, then.”
(Hmm, and did Phoon tell you anything?)
“No, why do you ask?”
(No, please give my regards to Vich and Pa if you get a chance to visit.)
“Sure, oh, there’s another thing, Uncle.”
(What is it?)
“Phoon doesn’t seem well. I’m worried he might be sick. He won’t eat, and it looks like he’s not sleeping well either. Also, his mental state doesn’t seem okay.”
(Is that so?)
“Is Phoon okay?”
(No, that’s just how he is. Normal.)
“Is that so?”
(Yes, don’t worry about it too much, or you’ll just get a headache for nothing.) “Okay.”
(Anything else?)
“No, that’s all. Then I’ll hang up. Please take care of your health,
Uncle.”
(Yeah, you take care too.)
“Okay.”
“Phoon,” Phii Fah came over to me after being on the phone for a while. I was worried about what my dad and Phii Fah talked about, but judging by Phii Fah’s expression, it seemed there wasn’t any problem.
“Yes, what did Dad say?”
“Uncle is okay, we’ll go handle the dorm change tomorrow.” “Oh…is that so?” I said softly, how strange, my dad, “Thank you for talking to him.”
“It’s fine,” Phii Fah gave me a slight smile, “Go shower and change,
I’ll prepare some clothes for you.”
“Yes, thank you,” I thanked him again before heading to the bathroom because I didn’t bring any clothes and had to borrow some from Phii Fah. As I entered the bathroom and was about to shower… Dad called…
I took a deep breath. Just seeing Dad’s number on the screen made my hands shake uncontrollably. It’s not often that he calls. No, he almost never calls me first.
“Yes,” I forced my voice into the phone. After hesitating for a long time whether to answer, I finally had to press accept.
(What did you tell Tonfah?)
“Nothing.”
(Are you going to tell him about Fan? Not only will you disappoint me, but you’ll also make me lose face. What would your aunt and uncle do if they found out?)
I was startled when Dad yelled through the phone, tears began to well up around my eyes, trying hard not to let my voice shake.
“I didn’t tell, I didn’t tell about Fan.”
(That’s good, you know if you told, you’d be hated.)
“…Yes, hic.”
(Do you know why I distanced myself from that family?) “Yes, because you don’t want them to know about Fan.” Just as he’s always said, Dad cares about his reputation more than anything else. After Fan died, he tried to cut off contact with Phii Fah’s family to keep Phii Fah’s aunt and uncle from finding out, preferring to sever ties completely rather than face the shame.
(And this is about you too, but you went and found Tonfah.)
“…I’m sorry.”
(What was your intention?)
“My intention…there was none.”
(And what did you tell Tonfah about Fan?)
“I said…Fan is still alive.”
(Good, and there’s no need to be around them anymore, or everything will come out.)
“If Phoon told the truth…”
(Huh?)
“If I told the truth, hic…about Fan, do you think…Phii Fah would be angry?”
(Are you going to tell him that you killed your own sister?)
“Ugh…I,I…no. It wasn’t…intentional.”
(Hah, enough about that.)
“Dad…I, Phii Fah is really good to me, can I stay with Phii Fah a little longer…please?”
(…)
“If I tell…if he tells the truth, if I don’t lie…can I stay with Phii Fah?”
(Do you want to be his burden?)
“…”
(Go wherever you want, but don’t be a burden. Look what happened to Fan after she tried to take care of you all this time, huh? What you gave back to Fan was death, wasn’t it?!)
I quickly hung up because I didn’t want to listen anymore. I’ve heard words like this from Dad many times, and each time, it hurt me deeply. I knelt on the floor because I couldn’t stand anymore, my hands tightly covering my mouth to stifle my sobs, tears streaming down incessantly.
“Ugh…uh, sob, uh…”
I couldn’t take it anymore, my hands and legs felt numb, my chest ached so much I wanted this suffering to stop. I couldn’t bear it.
I…you might not love me. Even if you don’t love me, but…but please, just be a little kind to me, just a little, see me, smile at me. That’s all… It took me a while to pull myself together, looking at my not-so-great reflection in the mirror, with red eyes and nose, swollen eyelids. No matter what, it was clear I had been crying. I soaked in hot water for a long time, hoping it would help.
When I walked out of the bathroom, there was a small space for changing just outside the bathroom door. I saw a large t-shirt and some elastic-waisted long pants, probably what Phii Fah had prepared for me.
I put on the oversized shirt and the long pants, tightening the elastic to fit my waist, and rolled up the pants because they were too long, before stepping out.
“Let’s eat,” Phii Fah, sitting on the sofa, turned to tell me, with a few dishes set on the table.
“Yes, did you make this, Phii Fah?”
“No, it’s just frozen food,” Phii Fah said. I went to sit on the small sofa beside him, “Phii Fah isn’t very good at cooking, how about
Phoon, can you cook?”
“Well…a little, but not well.”
“That’s good, you can make breakfast then.”
“…Maybe not,” I said softly, unsure. I used to help Fan cook often, but I wasn’t that skilled. If it turns out not to be tasty or if it makes Phii Fah sick, it would be terrible.
“Why not?”
“I’m not confident it will turn out well.”
“Have some confidence in yourself. I will help,” Phii Fah said with a slight smile that somehow warmed my heart.
“Yes, thank you.”
“No need to thank me, let’s eat.”
“Okay,” I nodded before starting to eat the food in front of me. Outside, the rain was still pouring down heavily. Phii Fah said he would prefer to avoid frozen food if possible, wanting to take me out to eat instead, but because of the heavy rain, getting sick would be bad.
It’s just…too much kindness, really.
But because it’s from Tonfah, it’s not surprising.
“Oh, Phoon.”
“Yes?”
“Fan hasn’t replied to my LINE at all, even though I took the trouble to send her photos as a report.”
“Photos?”
“Yes, from today’s outing. I sent photos to Fan to see, thinking she would be worried about you.”
“Oh…”
“That’s strange. Normally, if it’s about you, Fan would be interested right away.”
“She might not be free,” I said, clenching my lips to hold back tears because I had just cried about Fan, and hearing this made my chest tighten in a way I couldn’t describe.
“Phoon.”
“Huh, yes?” I quickly looked up, realizing I had been looking down quietly in an unusual way.
“Tomorrow, after handling the dorm transfer, shall we go buy some plants?” “Buy plants?”
“Yes, you like plants, don’t you?”
“I do…yes, will you take me?”
“Yes, and we’ll also look into information about the new dorm, find a place with lots of space to plant many trees,” Phii Fah said while taking out the trash. I helped by clearing the empty plates from the table.
“Yes,” I nodded.
“Can I ask why you like plants?”
“Uh…they make me feel at ease, I guess.”
“Then that’s good, Phii Fah can buy some for you.”
“You’ll buy plants for me?”
“Yes, but make sure to take good care of them, every single one.”
“Yes, I will take good care of them.”
I promised confidently. I always look after every plant I grow well because I love them dearly. If the new dorm has a lot of space for planting, that would be great.
“Between plants and the sky, which do you like more?” “Uh…” I was silent for a moment with the question Phii Fah suddenly asked, “Why ask?”
“Just asking.”
“The sky,” I answered because no matter what, I still love the sky the most.
“Because the sky is beautiful?”
“Yes.”
“It can touch the trees, it provides shelter, it makes you feel at ease.”
“…”
“But the sky…you can’t touch it, can you?”
“Yes, that’s true,” I agreed before Phii Fah went to take a shower. I decided I would sleep on the sofa tonight, so I took the liberty of grabbing a blanket that was folded on the shelf.
I mustn’t disturb Phii Fah…
“Are you going to sleep on the sofa?” Phii Fah, who had just finished his shower, came out and asked me while I was still damp. I stared blankly at the sight in front of me before quickly turning away.
This isn’t good…Phoon, this isn’t good.
My heart almost skipped a beat.
“Yes.”
“You’d be more comfortable in the bed.”
“No, the owner of the room should sleep in the bed.”
“It’s fine.”
“Let me sleep on the sofa,” I said with a worried look towards him.
Phii Fah let out a small sigh before allowing me to sleep on the sofa.
“If you need anything, just knock on the door.” “Goodnight,” I said.
“Goodnight.”
I gave a slight smile to the person who was about to open the door, watching as the bedroom door closed shut. Phii Fah’s words about goodnight helped me a lot; at least tonight, I might sleep more comfortably than usual.
But the sound of the rain made me not want to sleep. I went to sit in the same hanging chair and gazed out the window again. Right…I haven’t written a letter to Fan tonight; if I don’t write, it would feel bad, like something is missing.
I sat hugging my knees, watching the rain outside, the faint scent of Phii Fah on the shirt comforting me.
If it’s like what Dad said…if I am really a burden. I don’t want to be like that. Thinking about it, I’ve never done anything for Phii Fah; it’s always been Phii Fah doing things for me. I might feel better when I’m with Phii Fah, but what about Phii Fah, does he feel better with me, or am I just tiring him out, making things more difficult?
I feel so bad…
I continued to sit, lost in thought, with a dim light from the table lamp in the room. Almost an hour had passed, and Phii Fah must have gone to sleep by now. I raised my hand to gently wipe my tears; I’ve never liked being like this, but I don’t know how to pull myself back up.
If possible, I’d like to smile more, laugh, and be happy without having to pray for it.
Fan…what should I do?
Why can’t I ever find my own way?
After a while, I heard the sound of the bedroom door opening; turning to look, I saw Phii Fah walking out. When he saw me sitting there, he looked slightly surprised.
“Still not asleep?”
“Uh…yes. It’s just not my usual bedtime.”
“Hmm. What time do you usually go to sleep?”
“Normally…I sleep when I’m sleepy.”
My words made Phii Fah let out a laugh.
“I see,” Phii Fah reached out to lightly ruffle my hair, in a playful way, and then walked over to sit on the sofa opposite the hanging chair where I was sitting. I lifted my hand to touch my head where Phii Fah had just touched.
…Normally, phii-nong shouldn’t do this, right?
“And are you sleepy now?”
“Not yet, what about Phii Fah, not going to sleep?”
“Just came out for some water.”
“Oh, should I get it for you?”
“hmm.”
“Is there something wrong?” I raised an eyebrow in confusion when Phii Fah seemed surprised.
“The way you refer to yourself.”
“…?”
“Sometimes you say ‘I,’ other times you use your name.”
“Uh…is that strange?”
“Not at all. It just feels like when you refer to yourself as Phoon, it’s like the old days.”
“Oh…” I fell silent for a moment before saying what came to mind,
“And Phii Fah…you do the same.”
“Hmm?”
“Referring to yourself as Phii Fah…like in the old days.”
“Ah…yes.”
“Is this how you normally refer to yourself?”
“No.”
“…”
“I only speak like this with you Phoon.”
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