SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 4: How Have You Been
I spent the entire day today organizing my room. After committing the most unforgivable act, I chose to forget about it for a while to regain my composure. The chaotic time helped me stop thinking about it somewhat. I wanted the space on the balcony for planting more than anything, so I decided to get rid of some things. The reason I have more belongings than the average dorm resident is that all my stuff was sent here.
That house won’t exist anymore. I heard Dad say he would handle many things, and when ready, he would sell it immediately. It’s no longer needed for the place we once called home.
It might not have been a warm home, but it was full of memories and love, the truest and greatest love I’ve ever experienced in my life. In about a few months from now, that house might be demolished or renovated. Another place that was evidence of my happiness will disappear, just like my secret base with Phii Fah. I planned that in the final days before Dad announces the sale of that land, I would go back to revisit my memories one last time, to say goodbye before I can’t return there anymore.
I sat down on the bed and looked at Fan’s phone in my hand. I haven’t replied to Phii Fah’s LINE since this morning. I didn’t even say where I was going. I don’t think what I did was right; it was wrong…and extremely selfish.
But at least, for now…can I be selfish? Can I just cling to the little happiness that’s left? Lying is bad, but that doesn’t mean telling the truth would be any better, especially if in the end, the result is that I lose him anyway.
Just for now. Just for this fleeting moment.
Can I not let it go…yet?
Phii Fah might not know. I know he might not understand. I gave up hoping that others would understand a long time ago, but I understand why everyone might hate or be angry with me because I
still hate myself, and if I were someone else, I’d probably look at Phoon with disappointment too.
I will tell the truth. I promise. I know lies can’t last forever, how long can I keep this hidden from Phii Fah?
I just want to ask for a bit more time, just a little more time for me to…
Be ready to shatter…
I think it’s still good to feel scared, to try to hold it together. If I reach the point where I’m ready to let everything fall apart, because there’s nothing left for me to lose…
That would be even more terrifying…
I decided to open LINE on Fan’s phone, there were unread messages, those were from Phii Fah.
Tf: Doing well.
Tf: Can I ask you something?
Seeing those messages made me feel uneasy.
Torfan✿: Sure, what’s up?
Tf: I was just surprised that you let Phoon come to study here alone.
Torfan✿: Oh, he should be fine.
Tf: It’s not.
Tf: Phoon doesn’t look okay at all, did something happen?
Torfan✿: Nothing’s wrong, why would you think that?
Tf: No reason, then probably nothing.
Tf: Maybe I’m just overthinking.
Torfan✿: Overthinking about what?
Tf: Just worried, after all, Phoon is our younger brother.
Tf: I heard he’s studying veterinary medicine too, right?
Torfan✿: Yes, yes.
Tf: Did he choose it himself?
Torfan✿: Uh-huh, why?
Tf: No reason. Nothing.
And I didn’t know how to respond anymore, thinking that being Fan might allow me to ask Phii Fah more than I could as Phoon, but at the same time, guilt filled my chest.
Torfan✿: Do you think he isn’t suited for veterinary medicine? lol
Tf: Not that, but I think he might not be very happy studying it.
Tf: Because he doesn’t like it.
Tf: he deserves to be happier.
Torfan✿: Is that what you think?
Tf: Yeah, everyone deserves to be happy.
Torfan✿: LOL, that’s true, but Phoon has already chosen.
Torfan✿: Let Phoon choose for himself.
Tf: Okay. Torfan✿: Fah Tf: What?
Torfan✿: I want to ask for something.
Torfan✿: Can I?
Tf: What is it?
Torfan✿: Could you look at the sky for Phoon?
Tf: Hmm, look at the sky?
Tf: How?
Torfan✿: Just tell what the sky looks like that you sees today.
Torfan✿: That’s enough.
Tf: Tell Phoon what the sky looks like today?
Torfan✿: Yes.
Tf: Why?
Torfan✿: Phoon wants to know what your sky looks like each day.
Torfan✿: Fah
Tf: It’s okay, I guess.
Tf: Then why doesn’t he tell us himself?
Torfan✿: Maybe Phoon isn’t very brave.
Tf: Oh, I thought Phoon didn’t really want to talk to me.
Torfan✿: No, he wants to talk.
Torfan✿: He really wants to talk.
Tf: Really?
Tf: That’s good then.
Torfan✿: Talk to Phoon a lot, okay?
Tf: Alright.
Tf: I want to take Phoon sightseeing when I’m free.
Tf: Would you allow that?
Torfan✿: Sure, take Phoon out a lot.
Tf: Do you trust me to take Phoon out?
Tf: You used to be very protective.
Torfan✿: It’s fine.
Torfan✿: If it’s with Fah, Phoon would want to go anywhere.
Torfan✿: Even to Mars, if you takes him.
Tf: Mars might be a bit too far, lol.
Tf: Okay, I’ll get going then.
Tf: Talk later.
Torfan✿: Okay, talk later.
I smiled secretly at the message that appeared on my phone’s screen. That’s all I needed, really. If I thought of myself as Fan, it would be better than being Phoon because if I were myself, I probably wouldn’t dare to ask Phii Fah to take me out or to talk a lot. Definitely. Sorry, Fan, it’s not good for you, but me…please, just let me stay like this a little longer.
After a while, my phone notification popped up, and seeing the name of the chat owner made me smile even wider. It was Phii Fah sending a LINE message.
Tf: sends a picture Tf: The sky today is clear.
Tf: How’s the sky over there?
-dust-: sends a picture
-dust-: Today the sky is brighter than usual.
I took the liberty to save the picture he sent and posted it on my personal Instagram. Normally, I take pictures of the sky every day and post them on Instagram as a way to document each day’s sky, but today was a bit different because the sky photo I posted was from Phii Fah’s perspective.
And I captioned it, “Under the same sky, :)”
Even if our views differ, we’re still under the same sky. I looked out the window. It was quite late now. I wanted to talk more with Phii Fah, but I didn’t know what to start with. Then, seeing the hyacinth on the table reminded me.
-dust-: How are the hyacinths doing?
Tf: They’re good.
Tf: They smell nice.
-dust-: Oh, I see.
-dust-: What are you doing?
Tf: I have some errands. I’ll excuse myself for now.
-dust-: Okay.
I only replied with that, and then the other person really disappeared from the chat. I put my phone down and turned to do something else. I should probably study; if I want to be a doctor, I need to be more dedicated and try harder, so I went downstairs to get something to eat first. I didn’t want to walk far, so I just stopped by the 7-Eleven below the dormitory. When I came out, I noticed there was a weight scale. I haven’t weighed myself in a while; might as well give it a try. My weight has gone down…it’s gone down again. In reality, it’s not a good thing because I don’t eat much. I lack appetite, so my weight is well below average. Once, I fainted, and the doctor advised me to eat more regular meals and nutritious food, otherwise, I’d end up malnourished, which I probably am now.
I looked at the bun and the carton of milk in the bag I was holding; was this all I was going to eat today, aside from the meal I had with Phii Fah? What can I do? I’m not hungry, I eat little, and I sleep little; this is truly damaging my health.
I went back upstairs to eat the bun with milk, then spent several hours studying. When I thought I had studied enough, I started writing a letter to Fan, recounting everything that had happened as usual. This is my daily routine.
I’ve thought about it many times, wondering what it would be like if Fan were still alive. And if Fan knew that I’m not really her brother, would she still love me the same way?
I can’t answer that myself. Fan loved me because I was her brother, right? If she knew the truth, that I’m just a child from an affair, I can’t imagine what Fan would do. But I still want to believe in myself that Fan would still be by my side, no matter what happens, just as Fan once said. In the end, no matter which path I decide to take, Fan would always be there for me.
As bedtime approached, I took out my phone again to check if Phii Fah would tell me when he’s done with his errands. Probably not, it’s almost 9 PM, and there’s no sign of him.
He’s not someone I chat with…
I decided to text Phii Fah again, at least I wanted to tell Fan good night.
-dust-: Are you free?
-dust-: I wanted to ask about the sightseeing you mentioned. I tried starting with a question first. Phii Fah had said in Fan’s chat that he would take me out. At least, I should know where or when we’re going. I sent the message about ten minutes ago before the other party read it.
Tf: Oh, do you want to go somewhere special?
-dust-: Not really, no special place in mind.
Tf: Then, what kind of place do you like?
Tf: So I can try to look for one.
-dust-: Watching a movie.
-dust-: Is that okay?
I hesitated for a long time before typing and sending that message. Actually, I wanted to go somewhere in nature, but I thought going to the cinema together might be better. I haven’t been to the movies in a long time either.
Tf: Sure.
Tf: Tomorrow?
-dust-: Yes.
Tf: Then, check the movie times.
Tf: I’ll pick you up tomorrow.
Tf: Goodnight
-dust-: goodnight.
I don’t know if I’m imagining it, but Phii Fah seemed in a hurry, or maybe just eager to say goodnight even while we were still discussing the movie. We should have talked about what movie we want to see, but okay, he must really be busy, or maybe…he just doesn’t want to talk to me that much.
I walked over to turn off the lights in the room, leaving only the bedside lamp on. Will I sleep as comfortably as last night? Probably not, it’s not like last night at all. If I could hold hands…no, asking to hold hands might be too much.
If I could just hear him say goodnight…that would be nice. I spent nearly an hour tossing and turning in bed but still couldn’t sleep. I was hesitant to bother Phii Fah, as he had made it clear he wasn’t available to chat.
Okay…it’s fine, I got pictures of the sky from him today. What more could you want, Phoon? It’s time to sleep.
Anyway…I hope I sleep well tonight.
I hope tomorrow will be as bright as always.
“You look tired again,” was the first thing Phii Fah said when I got into the car. I gave him a dry smile.
“Really?”
“Can’t sleep again?”
“Just a little…”
“And did you sleep well when you stayed over at Phii Fah’s place?” “I slept well.”
“Then if you can’t sleep, you can come to sleep at Phii Fah’s place again.”
“…” I looked at the person in the driver’s seat, confused. Was he being serious or just joking? If all it takes is not being able to sleep to go stay over, isn’t that too kind? But Phii Fah didn’t turn to look at me, his eyes were fixed on the road ahead.
“If you keep not sleeping like this, it will be bad for you.”
“Oh…yes.”
“How long has this been going on?”
“A long time.”
“Have you tried seeing a doctor?”
“Well…I have.”
“And it didn’t get better?”
“Uh…” I fell silent because I didn’t know what to say. As I mentioned, I had seen a doctor. I could sleep, but then Fan would have nightmares, so I stopped taking the medication because I didn’t want to sleep much, “It got better.” “But you’re still not sleeping well?”
“More or less like that.”
“Have you ever consulted a doctor about your fear of the dark and confined spaces? Phii Fah thinks it has quite an impact. If you sleep with the light on, it prevents deep sleep, didn’t Phii Fah tell you that before?” Phii Fah said while still looking straight at the road, his voice gentle and calm, as if explaining a lesson.
“I haven’t for that,” I answered honestly. I’ve never consulted a doctor about my fear of the dark, just about insomnia.
“Want to give it a try?I will take you.”
“Uh…not yet…it’s better not to now,” I said softly. It might help if I went, but I don’t think now is the time. “Okay,” Phii Fah said, “Have you eaten yet?”
“Yes, I have.”
“Hmm?”
“…” I turned to look at the person beside me again when he made a sound like he didn’t believe me. Phii Fah also looked at me,
“Why…what’s up?”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“…”
“You haven’t eaten yet, have you?” “Uh…the truth is…no,” I admitted.
“When we ate together before, you ate very little. Are you feeling unwell?”
“No.”
“Is it normal for you to eat so little?”
“Something like that,” I answered, turning to look out the window to hide my nervousness. The fact that Phii Fah could see through me so easily…it made me feel an indescribable fear. Soon, the car stopped in front of a restaurant.
I followed Phii Fah into the restaurant, feeling tense. I’m not used to such fancy places, and to be honest, this is the first time Phii Fah has taken me to such a luxurious restaurant. Before, it was places that were nice but not this upscale.
“I think we should come to an agreement.”
“Huh?” I looked at the person sitting across from me, confused. Phii Fah raised his hand to his chin and gave me a slight smile, “What’s agreed upon?”
“You have to eat everything Phii Fah buys, in exchange for sightseeing trips. Agreed?”
“Eat?” “Yes.”
“Why do I have to eat?”
“To change the habit of not eating anything, that’s why.”
“But…”
“I don’t take people out for free, it’s an exchange.”
“…”
I fell silent because I didn’t know how to respond. Even though we agreed to this, I couldn’t see what Phii Fah would gain from it, but I had to agree because I couldn’t find a reason to refuse, “Okay.” “Good,” Phii Fah said with a smile, “Then let’s start with finishing this.”
I glanced at the dishes laid out in front of me. Since this was a fancy restaurant, each menu item was expensive, and Phii Fah had ordered everything. It wasn’t much for a normal person, but it was a lot for me.
“I can’t eat all this.”
“Finish it.”
I had to eat everything according to his command. It seemed Phii Fah was serious about it. By the time I was halfway through, I was already full. This might be the first time in years that I’ve eaten an entire plate of food.
“Not pushing the vegetables away anymore?” Phii Fah asked.
“Uh, well…no.”
“That’s good.”
I nodded; Phii Fah remembered that I don’t like vegetables. I still don’t like them, but I could manage to eat them. After finishing, I felt a bit bloated. I hadn’t eaten this much in a long time.
“What time is the movie?”
“Uh…I haven’t checked the times yet,” I said. I actually had checked, but since I wasn’t sure what time Phii Fah would pick me up or which movie we should watch, I decided to ask him instead, “I don’t know what to watch.”
“Hmm, you invited Phii Fah to watch but didn’t decide on a movie?” “Well…” I spoke quietly and fell silent, feeling like I was being scolded for inviting him without planning what to watch, “Does Phii
Fah want to watch anything in particular?”
“No, it’s up to you.”
“Uh…then we can check when we get to the cinema.”
“Alright.”
Eventually, we arrived at a large shopping mall, one I’ve never been to before. If I had come alone, I definitely wouldn’t have made it through a mall this big. I followed Phii Fah until we stopped at a bingsu shop. Phii Fah asked if I wanted to try it, I said it was okay, but he ended up taking me inside.
I ordered what I thought I would like the most, and after a while, the staff brought it over.
“Please eat it all, okay?”
Must I be forced to eat sweets too…
“Aren’t you going to eat?”
Phii Fah shook his head slightly.
“It’s fine, you eat.”
“Don’t you like sweets?”
“Not really, but it’s better if you eat.”
“Let’s eat together, I can’t finish it alone.” I said, offering another spoon to the person sitting across from me. Ever since we walked in, people have been looking our way. Phii Fah must be used to it by now, going anywhere with people staring.
Phii Fah took the spoon, and we sat eating the dessert together.
This…is nice.
I don’t particularly like sweets that much, but like this…it’s not bad at all.
Once we agreed on which movie to watch, we went to see it. I was very excited to watch a movie with Phii Fah. During the movie, I wasn’t as focused on it as I should have been, and when I felt cold, I gently rubbed my arms.
“Are you cold?” Phii Fah whispered. I nodded in response before he took off his long-sleeved shirt and handed it to me.
“Thank you,” I said, accepting it.
He’s still the person who usually gives me his jacket when I’m cold…
“Still as sensitive to the cold as ever,” Phii Fah said softly, looking at me while I was wrapping myself in his shirt, “Carrying a jacket would be a good idea.”
“Yes.”
But if I carried my own jacket…that would be better, because if possible, he probably wouldn’t want to keep giving me his jacket all the time.
When the movie ended, as we walked out of the theater, I returned his jacket. Phii Fah took it back and put it on. “Are you hungry?” Phii Fah turned to ask me.
“Not yet,” I shook my head; the food from lunch was still sitting heavy in my stomach.
“Do you want to head back or go somewhere else?”
“Uh…” I fell silent while thinking. I didn’t want to go back yet; I wanted to stay with him a bit longer, “Can we…go sightseeing a bit more?”
“Okay,” Phii Fah replied, “Where do you want to go?”
“Take photos.”
“Hmm?”
“Anywhere is fine, but I want to take photos,” I said. Today, I hadn’t taken any sky photos yet, and if I went back to my room, I’d just take the same old shots. If possible, I wanted to capture different angles.
“How about a temple? There are some good spots for views.”
“Okay.”
Then, I sat in Phii Fah’s car as we drove. I gazed out the window, lost in thought. We didn’t talk much, but I felt some of the tension had eased. Maybe I was getting used to being around Phii Fah. The place we were going to was quite far, it took a while to get there, plus there was evening traffic. When we arrived, I felt unfamiliar with the place I’d never been to before, so I quickly raised my camera to capture different angles. I bought flowers to offer to the Buddha. I didn’t have many prayers; wherever I go, I usually pray for the same things: for Fan to be happy, for me to be happy, and for the people I love to be happy.
I secretly glanced at the person next to me, who was also praying.
I wonder…what does Phii Fah pray for?
We reached the viewpoint Phii Fah had mentioned, a wide open area with a reclining Buddha statue on the side. It was already quite late, so there were only a few people around, and importantly, the cool breeze made it feel colder.
I raised my camera to take a photo of the sky visible now; it was beautiful. From this angle, you could see the city below, lights shining all over, and the sun was about to set, but we’d have to wait a bit longer for the sky to change color.
“Why do you like looking at the sky so much?”
Phii Fah asked while coming to lean against the wall next to me.
“Well…there’s no special reason.”
“Fan said you wanted me to look at the sky with him, why?” Phii
Fah asked again, and it was a question I hadn’t prepared an answer for.
“Uh…just wanted you to try looking at it.”
“Hmm,” Phii Fah seemed slightly puzzled before looking up at the sky in the same direction I was looking. The image of the person beside me right now was more captivating than the sky itself, with the black hair fluttering in the wind.
No…how can it be more captivating?
When you’ve been my only sky from the beginning.
“Can I take a photo?”
“Of me?”
“Yes.”
“Sure.”
I stepped back, Phii Fah leaned against the wall with the view of Chiang Mai city behind him, offering a small smile to the camera. Even though the wind was strong from the opposite direction, this angle made Phii Fah look very good. It didn’t take long to find the right angle; I quickly took several shots.
The view through the lens right now…it could take your breath away.
After finishing the photoshoot, I lowered the camera. I had captured the most beautiful sky picture…
“Thank you,” I said, expressing my gratitude before walking back to stand next to Phii Fah as usual, “Thank you for taking me out sightseeing.”
“Thank you for eating everything.”
“Huh?” I turned abruptly to him, seeing Phii Fah smiling in amusement. I couldn’t help but laugh, “Really?”
“Of course, why?”
“It sounds weird, thanking me for finishing my meal,” I said. “It’s not weird. Eating a lot is good. Otherwise, your health would suffer,” Phii Fah said, “You used to be a chubby kid, now you’re too skinny.”
“Chubby kid? What chubby kid?”
“A chubby kid who loved stealing snacks.”
“Don’t tease,” I said, making a slightly grumpy face. That was true when I was younger. I never thought I would lose my appetite like this when I grew up, “I’m not like that anymore.”
“Hmm…that’s true.” Then silence fell between us.
“Phii Fah,” I called out.
“Yes?”
“Do you…want to play a game with me?”
“What kind of game?”
“Let’s take turns asking one question each.”
“And if it’s a question you don’t want to answer?” Phii Fah asked back, which made me pause for a moment.
“It’s okay, you can answer what you’re comfortable with,” I said.
“Okay. Who goes first?”
“I want to ask…” I decided to speak first. In truth, I had many questions about what Phii Fah had been up to during the time we didn’t see each other, and I wanted to play this game because I wanted Phii Fah to ask about me too. I wanted someone to be interested in hearing my stories, not just writing unsent letters, “Phii Fah…how was it during high school?”
“A more general question than I thought,” Phii Fah said softly, “Phii Fah studied at a school around here. Nothing special, just an average student.”
“Really average?”
“Okay, it’s my turn to ask…How were you during high school?”
“Well…I was a bit stubborn, but I tried,” I answered, “What about friends from high school?”
“We were pretty close, did some traveling together, and learned a lot from each other. How about you, how were your high school friends?” “I learned a lot from them too,” I said, recalling how I once hung out with not-so-good friends. When I distanced myself from them, they started to tease me, which was also a lesson, “What about your friends now?”
My question made Phii Fah let out a small laugh.
“They’re crazy, really crazy, they’re people I never thought I’d meet, gathered together, it’s quite a headache,” Phii Fah said. I raised my eyebrows slightly in surprise, “you don’t have friends here yet, right?” “Yes,” I nodded, “But I hope to meet good friends.” I said what I was thinking, because I had been bullied before, so I hoped to meet some good friends. They don’t have to be overly kind to me, just not to abandon me would be enough.
“You will definitely meet them,” said the person beside me with a warm tone.
“How about your studies?”
“Which period?”
“Every period, from high school until now, how was it?”
“It was good, steady. And how about Phoon, how are your studies?” “Uh…average, I guess, passed some, failed some, but Phoon has topped the class quite often,” I said proudly, it was something I wanted to boast about to someone, but since Fan isn’t here to listen anymore, I hadn’t had anyone to brag to.
“You’re very good.”
“Is studying medicine hard?”
“Hmm, it’s hard. I am trying to adapt.”
“Phii Fah, you can definitely do it,” I said softly. Phii Fah can do it, but if even he has to adapt, can I manage?
“How’s Gold doing?”
“Uh…it passed away,” I said, looking down, feeling guilty. Golden was the cat we took care of together. I furrowed my brows, worried that Phii Fah might be mad since I was the one who wanted to keep it in the first place, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, it was old.”
“…”
“Some things don’t need an apology. you aren’t at fault at all.”
“Yes…”
I fell silent for a moment to gather my thoughts before quickly thinking of another question to ask Phii Fah.
“And Phii Fah…do you like the sky?”
“Hmm…not really, but you like it, right?”
“Yes.”
“But some days the sky isn’t beautiful.”
“Why do you think that?” I asked.
“Some days it’s dark, and it rains,” Phii Fah said.
“It’s just crying…on some days, but the sky after the rain will be bright,” I said. I like it when it rains; it makes me feel that even the sky can cry sometimes.
“You look at the sky in such a positive way.”
“…”
“When it rains, there’s thunder. you are afraid of thunder, aren’t you?”
“Uh…yes.”
His words left me speechless again. Yes…I’ve been afraid of thunder since I was a child because of the loud noise. I don’t like loud noises, and it’s dangerous too.
“It’s your turn to ask, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“Hmm…I don’t know what else to ask, so you can ask.” “Uh…” I secretly frowned a bit when he said he didn’t want to ask anything else. That meant he wasn’t interested in knowing more about me, “Can I ask something that’s…uh, a bit personal?”
“Hmm,” Phii Fah raised his eyebrows, surprised by my words, “Go ahead.”
“Right now…is Phii Fah dating anyone?”
“Ah, that’s not really that personal of a question.”
“…Yes.”
“No, I’m not dating anyone.”
…Phii Fah isn’t dating anyone right now.
“That’s surprising,” I muttered softly, thinking that someone like
Phii Fah, who everyone seems to like, would at least have someone,
“What about someone you’re talking to?”
“Well…no.”
“Oh…”
“Think it’s strange?” Phii Fah asked me in return. I nodded to answer, “It’s not that strange. It’s just that love seems quite distant.”
“How so?”
“It might be a boring story, do you want to know?”
“Yes.”
“I dated someone back in high school.”
“…”
“At first, there wasn’t anything wrong, but after dating for a while, I realized love is complicated. In the end, we had issues and had to break up, and since then, love hasn’t been something I look for much.”
“Oh…that’s how it is.”
I bit my lip to contain the emotions swelling in my chest. Phii Fah had a girlfriend before, and after that, he didn’t look for love. He’s not interested in love like that, huh…
“Why did you break up? Can I ask?”
“Hmm…maybe we just didn’t understand each other.”
“Do you still love her?”
“Don’t know, I’m not sure about that either.”
“…”
“When looking at the sky like this, it makes me think,” Phii Fah said while still looking up at the brick-red sky, “She once said Phii Fah was like her sky.”
“…”
“Every time I look, I think of her.”
“…”
“But Phii Fah…I don’t think I can be anyone’s sky, can’t be the sky for anyone.”
“Oh…”
So, you can’t be the sky for Phoon either, huh.
Leave a Reply