SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 34: Water Lily
“Already capable, huh?”
“…”
“Are you worried?”
“Yes.”
“Do you trust Phii Fah?” I nodded in response.
“Then trust Phii Fah, you are already good.”
“If possible, I’d like you to take the exam for me.”
“No need, you do better than me.”
“…How could that be?”
“Be confident, we’ve done so much preparation. When you did the practice exams, you did very well,” he said, gently stroking my head as he often does. We were now in front of the school where I had to take my entrance exam. I was in my school uniform, and this morning before leaving the room, Phii Fah complimented me saying I looked cute because he had never seen me in a high school uniform before. My exam is at the end of February, coinciding with everyone’s midterm exams for the second semester, including the doctors. After dropping me off for the exam, Phii Fah would have to go back to study with his friends.
Since the second semester started, I, who had already dropped out, had only one thing to do: study for the entrance exam for the photography faculty. So there wasn’t much else going on, and today was the day to determine my efforts; one could even call it a lifedeciding day without exaggerating much.
Almost all the students passing by, especially the female students, kept looking our way, probably because it wasn’t just the beautiful car but also its owner, who was standing there talking to me. “You haven’t forgotten anything, right? Like your ID card?”
“Yes, I brought it.”
“Then I’ll wait here until you go into the exam room.”
“Are you going to walk me there?”
“Yes.” And Phii Fah really walked me to the exam building. It wasn’t strange because there were many people sending off or waiting for those taking exams, but Phii Fah probably couldn’t stay long since he had his own exams to study for, which I understood well. Though honestly, even if Phii Fah wanted to wait for me, I wouldn’t agree to it. It would be too hot and boring.
“Can I see your exam room slip?” I opened my bag and handed him the slip, “You have all your exams in this building, you won’t get lost, right? The front number is the floor number, the back number is the room number.”
“I won’t get lost. If I do, I can just ask someone around here.”
“Okay.” Then Phii Fah handed the exam room slip back to me. There was no need to try to notice it; I could feel that we, no, Phii Fah was the center of attention for many people. Even sitting close by, I could feel it.
Phii Fah stayed until there was an announcement for everyone to go upstairs and wait in front of their exam rooms.
“I will leave now. I’ll be here at four o’clock sharp to wait for you.”
“Yes.”
And then the other person walked away. I entered the building, took off my shoes to hold them like the other students, feeling a bit embarrassed since I’m much older than the younger students and had to take an exam like this. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a school building, and the school where I’m taking the exam isn’t far from the university. I chose this exam venue in this province instead of going back to my old school, which would have been much more difficult. I placed my bag in front of the exam room, took out my pencils, eraser, and ID card, ready to go in for the exam. After waiting for a short while, the announcement came to enter the exam room. The first subject exam went well. I didn’t do everything perfectly, but I was confident with most of it, and I finished with enough time to review everything once more.
I’ve taken this kind of exam three times before, the first time in my sixth year of high school, the second when I was preparing to take a gap year before medical school in my first year, and now this third time. This is the only time I’ve managed to finish the exam in time; the previous two times I had to rush through the last questions because I really didn’t have enough time. Maybe it’s because I’ve practiced a lot with old exam papers and timed myself.
The first day of exams was over. When I came down from the building, I saw Phii Fah waiting as promised.
“How did it go?”
“Good, it went well. I didn’t expect to do so well, and I finished on time too,” I started telling him excitedly about today’s exam, as I didn’t expect it to go so smoothly. Then we went to have lunch.
“Do you have to go for more tutoring?” I asked.
“Yes, do you want to rest or come along?”
“Hmm…yeah, I’ll come along,” I said, because North and Ter were also there, it would be better to go and watch them study rather than staying in the room with nothing to do.
“How did you do, you took the first exam, right?”
“It was good, I managed.”
“My student will definitely pass. All that teaching didn’t go to waste, did any of what I taught come out in the exam?” North asked.
“No.”
“None at all?”
“I don’t know, I haven’t taken the other exams yet.”
“Damn,” North immediately looked disappointed at me, “But you’ll pass anyway, just chill.”
“How was it when you took your exams?” I asked while sitting down next to Ter. We were now at the same café as before. The seniors were sitting at one table, while we were at the Japanese-style table.
“Well…it was shit.”
“I didn’t.”
“It uses the O-NET exam, I applied in the last round.”
“Oh, so you didn’t do well on the O-NET?”
“You could say it was terrible, so bad that my teachers thought I was bringing down the school’s average, but I still got into engineering somehow. Maybe I’m just too handsome,” North’s words made Ter let out a big sigh, even though he was still looking at the study sheet in his hand, “Why the sigh, Ter? My handsomeness is troubling you, huh. It’s okay, I understand, I’m annoyed by it sometimes too.” “…North, what’s with you today, complimenting yourself all day.
Hasn’t anyone praised you lately?” Ter furrowed his brows to ask. “Yeah. I don’t know either,” North said, picking up my green tea cup before I could stop him, and he had already drunk half of it. I looked at my green tea cup in confusion, why did the water disappear so quickly?
“So, how’s it going with your mom?” Ter asked, because it had been nearly two months since I got her information.
“Yeah. No updates, it’s been ages.”
“I said I’d contact her after the exam.”
“Oh,” North and Ter nodded, because I had to take the entrance exam during this period. If I contacted my mom now, no matter what the outcome, it would affect my emotions significantly. If my mom was okay with meeting me, my mind wouldn’t be focused, or if she wasn’t, it would make me very sad. So, I discussed with Phii Fah that I would contact her after the exam.
“That’s good, it’s just a few more days until your exam is over, right?”
“Yes, just a few more days.”
“How will you contact her?”
“Maybe…have someone look for her.”
“Huh? How?”
“Like, I can’t just go there directly, right? So, I’ll send someone first. She doesn’t have a personal phone, just a home number. There are no other contact methods like social media, LINE, email, or anything.” “Yeah, that’s true, but going there directly, how will you do it?” “I heard that during the day, on non-holidays, her husband is at work, and Daiki is at school. Maybe I’ll approach her during that time.”
“Approach her, huh, but isn’t it scary to just show up out of nowhere?”
“I will go in a friendly way.”
“Will you go straight to the house? What will the neighbors think?”
“Disguise as a salesman.”
“Yeah, that could work,” North said, nodding in agreement, “But who are we sending?”
“Don’t know, but it seems like Phii Fah will handle it.” “Uh, good, you should write a letter to attach with it, stating the purpose that you want to meet,” Ter suggested. I nodded in agreement.
“I’ve already written it.”
“You need to end it with ‘with love from your son’ too.”
“…Will that be good?”
“Trust me.”
“…Uh.”
…
To: Ms. Yuri Nakamura
Hello, first of all, let me introduce myself. My name is Theerapat Chawankawi, nickname Typhoon, age 20. It’s very difficult for me to say this. According to the information and evidence I’ve received, you are my mother. I don’t know if you’ll be okay with what’s happening now, but I truly want to say that I’m glad to finally know who my real mother is.
I only found out a few years ago that I was not the biological child of the mother who raised me. When my older sister passed away, my parents had already divorced.
I’ve always been a child who wanted to know who my real mother was, but I didn’t know where to look. I only knew about the gifts sent every year on my birthday, with ‘To Ren’ written on the box. I hope that was from you.
If that’s true, I’m glad that you still think of me. I truly am. I’ve never been angry that you weren’t with me, no matter the reason. I’ve never been angry, really. I’ve always hoped that you were somewhere in this world and living happily.
I must apologize for taking the liberty to look into your information. I know you have a new family now. I hope they treat you well.
I used to be sad that I didn’t even have a name given by my mother, but if that name was really mine, I don’t know if I could be the ‘Ren’ you had hoped for. I’m not someone to be proud of, sometimes even disappointing, but I have many stories I want to share. At the very least, could you tell me what kind of ‘Ren’ my mother had imagined, and if I could be that person?
All I want to say in this letter is that I’m doing well. I’ve found someone who loves me. I have friends. I have people around me who genuinely care for me. I have dreams and life goals I want to achieve. If there’s ever a time when my mother wonders if I’m okay, I am doing well, please don’t worry.
If my mother doesn’t want to meet me, that’s okay too. I just wanted to let her know this much.
I hope that every day from now on, my mother has nothing but smiles.
I hope Daiki is a good kid and grows up strong.
Yours truly,
Theerapat Chaowankavee, Typhoon (Ren)
At first, I wondered if my mom could read Thai since she hasn’t been in Thailand for so long, but Phii Fah said he would translate it into Japanese.
“Have you finished writing?”
“Yeah…I have, with a few tears from Phoon.”
“It’s okay.”
“Do you think my mom will read my letter?”
“She will read it. The one who sends gifts every year does so because she misses you, right? Don’t overthink it,” Phii Fah said before gently stroking my head to comfort me.
I don’t know if it’s good or not, but I also sent a gift for my mother, a small handmade good luck charm from me. I don’t know if it will bring luck, but it’s filled with my prayers.
I wanted to send something with it, but I wasn’t sure if it was okay, if my mother would be okay with it, so I didn’t send it yet.
After I sent the gift and the letter, nearly a month passed without any response, but the letter and gift did reach my mother.
“…Did he say he would contact you back?”
“Yes, Phoon should give your mother some time.”
“…He probably doesn’t want to see Phoon.”
“Don’t think negatively like that,” before Phii Fah pulled me into a hug. During the one month when there was no response from her, I was completely disheartened, and Phii Fah could only comfort me.
Deep down, I had somewhat prepared myself for it.
Until three days later…
“There’s a letter sent back.”
“!!” I was shocked and immediately ran to Phii Fah. When I saw something in Phii Fah’s hand, my heart started beating faster. “Your mother just sent it back,” Phii Fah handed it to me. I quickly took it and opened it. It was a letter with a small gift, but what I was interested in was the letter. I opened it immediately; it was written with a pencil on paper, the handwriting clearly showing the writer was not adept at Thai. It was just a short message, guessing that my mother isn’t very good at writing Thai, and there were spelling mistakes, but I could understand the meaning.
It must be because my mother doesn’t have a mobile phone and doesn’t know how to use the internet, so she didn’t know how to find the right words, but she still tried to write.
…Ren
Mom thi-n-ks about you
Will wait to see you Mom…
“…” Tears slowly started to fall. I wiped them away before handing the small piece of paper to Phii Fah. He took it and gave a faint smile.
“That’s good, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” I burst into a wide smile, feeling overjoyed and touched, not crying but just letting a few tears fall. Then I turned my attention to the gift that came with it, finding it to be some sweets in a box along with a card written in Japanese, “What does this say?” “…Uh, it probably means she made them herself, enjoy them.” I looked at the sweets in the box. I thought they must be manju, and there were quite a lot of them. I quickly picked one up to eat and found it quite delicious, so I let Phii Fah try one too. Phii Fah tasted one and said it was good, but since he doesn’t really like sweets, he only ate one.
I’m not that into sweets either, but I can eat them if offered, and because of the joy that they were made by my mother, I ended up eating half of them alone. I’ll share the rest with the others later.
“I am going to meet my mother soon. I’m so excited.”
“Let’s go together once Phii Fah clears his schedule.”
“Sure, but where is Mom’s house? Does Phii Fah know?”
“Osaka.”
“And do we need to make an appointment before going? Did she say anything else?”
“She said we can come to the house anytime because her husband knows. Just let them know beforehand which day we’ll come so they can prepare. You can contact them through the home phone.” “…Wow,” I said, feeling dumbfounded. So, her new husband knows Mom had a child before, and he’s okay with it, even allowing us to visit their home. That’s amazing, so kind. “How many days will we go?”
“We can’t stay long. I have to study, so we’ll visit your mom for a day and maybe have a day or two to explore.”
“Oh, thank you so much. Not only are you helping my mom, but you’re also taking me to see her.”
“Sure,” Phii Fah smiled in acknowledgment of the thanks and gently patted my head. “You are so kind.”
“Me?”
“Yes, but I guess many people have complimented you before.” “Not really, with others, it’s just normal,” Phii Fah said, “but for you, I would do anything.” Those words made me smile shyly.
Because Phii Fah wasn’t lying.
Phii Fah would do anything for me, just like how I would do anything for him.
I’m not sure if what Daotok said about it being true love is true, but if it is, that’s great…if not, it doesn’t matter because having each other right now is the best thing ever, better than wondering if it’s true love.
Because it’s Phii Fah, because it’s me, here together. Nothing could be better than this.
Three days have passed, and my friend still hasn’t stopped smiling.
“Give me some of that.”
“Yeah, give me some,” I said. We’re at the airport now, getting ready to go to Japan. After I told everyone about this, they got really excited and happy, saying they wanted to come too because they had some free time and wanted to visit my mom and go sightseeing together. “And have you finished eating the manju?”
“Ter ate them all the day you brought them, even snatched them from me. I was so mad.”
“You were just too slow, speed is the devil’s trait.”
“It’s the trait of a glutton, you mean.”
“North!”
“What? You weren’t satisfied with stealing mine, you even took from the little ghost, too. It’s just a tiny thing, and you still go after it.” North said, Ter immediately made a displeased face looking at North.
Honestly, it wasn’t that surprising; Ter has always been a big eater.
“It was delicious, and I was hungry.”
“You’re hungry all day. Seriously, did you die of malnutrition in your past life or something? How can you be this famished?” I couldn’t help but laugh at North’s words.
“Yeah, right, it’s like you’ve been starving since your past life.” “Even your cat thinks I’m a glutton,” Ter immediately pouted. “Joking, come on,” I said, reaching out to playfully twist Ter’s cheek as if comforting a child.
“Give me a KitKat to make up for it.”
“Can you stop thinking about food for just one minute?” North said, making an annoyed face immediately. “I know why the little ghost is so thin, it’s because you’re always snatching its food, right Ter?
Confess.”
“It wasn’t me! Dao left some, and I ate it because I felt bad for wasting it.”
“You were staring at it while it ate, so it thought you were hungry and left some for you.”
“That’s not true! I was just looking, not staring!”
“I’ve found the culprit behind the little ghost’s hospital visits.”
“I told you it wasn’t me, I’m not guilty.”
“Enough, you guys,” I interjected. They weren’t really fighting, just teasing each other, but it was still quite headache-inducing.
“And, did you invite Dao?” Ter asked.
“I invited him, but Dao said he wasn’t free.”
“Always, so I pretend to be upset,” North said.
“Why be upset? He’s working,” I said. Initially, I invited Foam and
Dao, but both declined. Foam said his family wouldn’t allow it, and Dao said he was busy with work.
“What’s so hard about it? Working to buy new equipment, then using the new equipment to work,” North started complaining. Lately, he’s been constantly complaining about Dao working non-stop without taking a break. At first, he seemed brighter because he was practicing meditation, but over time, he ended up like overcooked dumplings again. “I’m getting annoyed just thinking about it. I’ll sneak in and break his computer.” “It’s good that you’re concerned.”
“Come on. If I weren’t concerned, why would I complain? And he doesn’t even listen to me, that bastard Dao.”
“Why get so angry about it?”
“He went to the hospital last time. Next time he goes in, I’ll put chili in his IV.”
“That’s harsh, really harsh,” I said, laughing. North really does care, that’s why he gets so mad, but I don’t know why he’s still so likable. If I had another two or three months, I might go study Japanese, but I don’t have that much time, so I didn’t enroll. I’m not sure how I’ll talk to Mom. When she was in Thailand for more than two years, she might have been able to speak some Thai, but it’s been a while now.
“Can your mom speak Thai?” North asked.
“I don’t know, maybe she can, at least she used to. Otherwise, how would she talk to Dad?”
“Your dad might speak Japanese.”
“Yeah, I don’t know about that,” I said. I’m also not sure if Dad can speak Japanese.
“And where are you meeting your mom?”
“Right at her house.”
“Really? Her new husband doesn’t mind?”
“…It seems Mom told me that her new husband knows, and it’s fine.”
“Wow, that makes it easy then,” Ter said, “You’ll get to meet the stepdad too.”
“Hmm,” I said with a smile, in truth, we had already made plans to meet Mom in Japan around the afternoon. She mentioned that she would prepare snacks for everyone. Of course, I didn’t talk to Mom directly; I had someone else relay the message. I was planning to meet her directly.
“Smiling again, Phoon, you haven’t stopped smiling. Don’t your cheeks hurt?”
“When I’m happy, what’s the problem?” I stopped smiling and turned to North.
“Look away, it’s creepy, your eyes are all dreamy, looking at nothing, and then you smile again.” Now, besides us, there were also our seniors, which included Phii Fah, Phii Hill, Phii Jo, and Phii Arthit.
Phii Arthit said he was just coming along but would go sightseeing by himself before meeting back with us.
“I’ve never been to Japan,” North said. I raised my eyebrows and looked at him.
“Really? I thought you had been.”
“No, Phii Jo only took me to Europe, kind of skipped a step. Now with the cherry blossom season in Japan, it’s supposed to be beautiful,” North said while looking at his phone, which had information about Japan displayed. “I’m excited for my first trip to
Japan, so I’ve prepared.”
“How so?”
“I studied the language.”
“Really?” I looked at him in almost disbelief at what I’d just heard.
“Yeah.”
“How did you study?”
“Watched anime with Thai subtitles, binged twenty-four episodes in a row.”
“Spit.”
“Let’s go,” Phii Fah spoke up. I immediately stood up; I was so caught up talking with them that I forgot to check the time. Then, the seven of us boarded the plane together, and with our seniors along, don’t expect economy class seats. It was definitely first class. I sat in my seat, which was a pair, with Phii Fah next to me. To my left were North and Phii Jo, then Phii Arthit, and beside Phii Fah were Ter and Phii Hill. Around me, there didn’t seem to be anyone else; it felt like it was just us.
“Where are you planning to go, Arthit?” Phii Jo asked.
“I don’t know. Where are you guys going?”
“Where are we going?”
“Osaka.”
“Oh, Osaka…what’s there to do?”
“You still don’t have a plan?” Phii Jo asked, Phii Arthit shook his head gently.
“I want to ski.”
“There might be some snow for you.”
“Yeah, bummer. So, what are you guys doing in Osaka?” “Arthit, what do you know about why we’re here?” Phii Fah turned to ask, the person questioned shook his head.
“I thought you were taking your wives on a trip. Isn’t that it?”
“Uh, yeah, that’s right.”
“Should I transfer to another place? There doesn’t seem to be much to do in Japan anymore.”
“No,” Phii Fah interjected before Phii Arthit could finish speaking,
“I won’t allow any more solo trips.”
“Oh.”
“Jo, don’t let Arthit out of your sight,” Phii Fah said, Phii Jo immediately furrowed his brows looking over.
“Are you ordering me around?”
“Yes.”
“You have the right to…”
“The right of someone who works for you guys.”
“Yeah, sure, Tonfah, Arthit, behave yourself,” Phii Jo said. I don’t know why I burst out laughing; it seems like Phii Arthit often sneaks away on trips, so everyone has to keep a close eye on him. “Okay, I won’t sneak off then; I’ll stick with you guys like a little wife,” Phii Arthit said, “North.”
“What, bro?”
“This trip is our honeymoon with Jo, you go wherever, just don’t be in the way.”
“Let me come along, bro, I can help carry stuff. I won’t be a nuisance.”
“Fine, since you’re begging so much.”
“Sigh,” I heard Phii Jo let out a small sigh; he looked tired too, dealing with both North and Phii Arthit.
The journey to Japan took several hours until we arrived at Kansai Airport. At first, we discussed how to get to Osaka. We ended up deciding on the train because North wanted to ride it.
“You want to ride, fine, but the train is so cramped it’s killing me,” Phii Arthit cursed at North.
“I’ve never ridden one before, I want to try.”
“And why do I have to ride with you? Why do I have to cater to your whims?”
“Arthit, just shut up already,” Phii Jo said, making Phii Arthit pretend to zip his lips, gesturing towards North and himself, probably implying, why do I have to shut up while North doesn’t?
Of course, with Phii Fah, we became the center of attention, and with four doctors together, it was even more noticeable. I’m not sure how it feels to be the focus of everyone’s attention, but it seems like they didn’t mind.
When we arrived in Osaka by train, we had to discuss our next steps. We ended up deciding to rent cars; North and Ter said they were just visiting, they brought gifts, and would drop me off at the house entrance then go elsewhere. So we got two cars: one for Phii Fah and me, with Phii Hill and Ter in the back, and the other for Phii Jo, North, and Phii Arthit.
I gazed at the changing scenery along the way, and thinking about meeting Mom made my heart beat faster, with both excitement and worry, holding the gifts tightly in my hands.
“Are you excited?”
“Yes, very much so,” I looked at the time; it was around three in the afternoon. I wasn’t sure if Daiki’s school or Saito’s work was over yet. Saito is Mom’s new husband. “I’m worried it might not go well, coming like this.”
“It will be fine, for sure.”
“Yes.”
Before the car stopped in front of one house, Phii Fah checked the map on his phone again, seemingly confident it was the right house. I looked at the house with a heart beating out of rhythm; it wasn’t particularly large. I slowly got out of the car to find the area was quite peaceful, and the weather was pleasantly warm.
“Is this the one?” Phii Hill asked after getting out of the car, Phii Fah nodded in response. Having three cars parked like this, was it going to be a problem?
“There’s someone there,” Phii Jo said, making me turn my attention back to the house. I just saw a woman in a cream-colored t-shirt and skirt come out, looking at us with a surprised expression.
Mom…
It really was Mom, just like in the pictures.
“…Mom,” I called out to her, and she quickly opened the gate and walked towards us.
“Ren!” Then she rushed over and hugged someone.
…But it wasn’t me.
???
Why did she hug North?!
“Uh…Arigatou.”
North said in a stuttering, shy voice, and hugged her back.
And why are you thanking her?!
Mom let go of the hug and held North’s face, speaking rapidly in Japanese with an expression of joy and excitement. North was completely bewildered, not knowing what to do, while the rest of us burst into laughter.
Oh, come to think of it, Mom has never seen me before.
“Ah, sorry, but…I’m not Ren,” North finally said, making Mom stop touching him.
“What…what did you say?” Mom asked in a Thai accent that wasn’t clear. North pointed at me.
“That one over there.”
“Oh, Gomennasai, I’m sorry, really sorry,” Mom bowed awkwardly to North before turning to look at me, slowly walking closer, then looking up at me, “Ren…right?”
“Yes.”
Mom slowly moved closer and gently hugged me. The moment I smelled her faint perfume and felt the warmth of her embrace, I started crying and hugged her back. Mom also cried, and we held each other tightly for several minutes.
After we let go of each other, Mom gently wiped away my tears, touching my cheeks, shoulders, and arms as if examining how much I’ve grown, with tears still flowing from her eyes.
“You’ve grown so much,” she said, gently stroking my head with a soft gaze, a faint smile tinged with sadness and longing that words couldn’t describe.
“I’ve come to see you,” I managed to say between sobs, which only made Mom cry more. We spent some time outside the house before Mom suddenly remembered something.
“Come inside first,” she said in Japanese, but it seemed she could speak Thai too. The doctors said they would wait elsewhere because they didn’t want to intrude, wanting us to have as much time together as possible, but North and Ter said they wanted to stay.
“Take care of yourself,” Phii Fah advised.
“Yes.”
“Call me if anything happens.”
“Yes.” We talked a little more, then we walked into the house. “Phoon, I knew you could confuse anyone. Without asking, she just hugged me first,” North whispered to me, which made me laugh.
“Yeah,” I said, still finding it amusing.
“Irasshaimase,” North said as we entered the house.
“That’s not right, is it?” Ter asked, his brows furrowed, and Mom, hearing this, turned to look with a slightly puzzled expression. The inside of the house was larger than I expected, and before I could look around much, Mom led us to the living room where there was a large floor table with cushions arranged around it.
“I’ll get some tea for you,” Mom smiled, then slowly backed away and stepped out.
“Damn, your mom is like a Japanese housewife,” North said excitedly, looking around because Mom had been told that friends were coming too, so she had set up seating.
Mom was smaller than I had imagined, about the height of my shoulder, a very petite woman, and she seemed very gentle and kind. “Irasshaimase,” North replied as Mom placed steaming cups of tea in front of us.
“What are you ‘Irasshaimase’-ing about?”
“Irasshaimase means ‘welcome’, when we go to a restaurant,” Mom replied to North in a sweet voice. I couldn’t help but laugh at him, hoping this would make him stop playing around.
“Irasshaimase.”
Damn, shameless, still messing around!
I was right not to invite him, wasn’t I?
“We brought some gifts,” Ter said, handing a bag of gifts to Mom. She smiled and slightly bowed before accepting it, and Ter, who seemed unsure of what to do, bowed back.
“I have one too,” North said, offering his gift, and Mom did the same to him as she did with Ter. I took a sip from the tea in front of me.
“How is it?” Mom asked. I smiled and took another sip with difficulty; it was extremely bitter, bitter to the back of my throat.
“It’s delicious.”
“How is it?” Mom turned to ask North, who smiled broadly and blinked rapidly.
“Is it original?”
“?”
“I mean, is it authentic?”
“Oh…” Mom looked at me as if she didn’t understand. I didn’t know how to answer either, so I responded to North instead.
“Yeah, authentic, we’re in Japan, so it’s Japanese tea, probably
Chinese tea.”
I watched North try to drink it all, and when he finished, he set the cup down and gently wiped his tears. Did it make you cry because it’s so bitter?
“How do you feel?” Ter asked quietly.
“Encountered the authentic one, I can’t even speak Thai clearly now,” North said with a muffled voice, but we all finished our cups regardless. “Don’t they have something for tea beginners, so we can practice before facing the real thing?”
“Don’t be fussy,” Ter said, frowning. “Oh, right, we haven’t introduced ourselves yet. My name is Ter, you can call me Ter.”
“My name is North.”
“Are you friends, same age?” Mom asked.
“Yes.”
“What are you studying?”
“I’m studying wisakam.”
“Wisakam? What is that?”
“Uh, like, engineering designing, managing projects, stuff like that.” “Oh, and you?” she turned to ask Ter.
“I’m studying veterinary medicine, a doctor for animals.”
“Oh, impressive, and you, Ren?”
“I’m waiting for my exam results, I want to study photography.” “Oh…” Mom nodded in understanding, and before we could talk more, we heard a child’s shout from the front door, followed by running footsteps.
Daiki!
Daiki looked surprised to see the three of us sitting there. The mother and son spoke in Japanese, which I didn’t understand, before Mom brought Daiki to sit beside us. He looked at me, slightly bowed his head, and said something, seemingly introducing himself. “He said his name is Daiki, nice to meet you. This child has wanted a big brother for a long time,” Mom said. I looked at the chubby kid who was staring at me with sparkling eyes.
“Really? I’ve always wanted a little brother too,” I replied, and Mom seemed to translate for Daiki, who then smiled broadly and rushed to hug me tightly before letting go. Mom then introduced North and Ter to Daiki.
“What did he say?” North asked.
“Daiki said this big brother looks like a goldfish.”
“…”
“Ahhhhh, ahhhhh,” Daiki cried out as North pulled on his cheeks until they were all stretched out.
“North, don’t tease him,” I tried to stop him, but it seemed too late; they were already play-fighting. North, you’re twenty years old, my friend, what do you gain from fighting with an eight-year-old? Mom just laughed, watching them with affection.
Daiki said something in Japanese, trying to pull North’s ears and cheeks in retaliation, but North wasn’t having any of it either. “What did you say, Mom, what did he say?”
“He said if you’re a goldfish, you should go live in water.” “This kid,” both me and Ter just watched helplessly, the scene in front of us somehow looking absurd, “He’s grown up to be a fool, still can’t understand Thai.” Well, he’s Japanese…
The pointless war ended with both of them panting, before Daiki turned this way.
“Daiki wants to invite you to play with his toys, he says he has something cool to show off.”
“Oh, come on, let’s go,” Ter stood up, “You stay with Mom, we’ll play with the little brother.” I nodded in response.
As Ter was led out by Daiki, Daiki stuck his tongue out at North. “I told you this kid is a troublemaker,” North said before standing up and following Ter, leaving only me and Mom in the living room. Silence enveloped us. They must have wanted to give me time with Mom.
I knew why they insisted on coming into the house from the start; they were worried I might feel awkward. Once they saw I was okay, they found an excuse to leave us alone, just the two of us. I have to thank those two for that. Otherwise, I would have been much more nervous and wouldn’t have known what to do.
“…I…I’m sorry.”
“…”
“For not…being with you.”
“It’s okay.”
“Ugh…I…I’m really sorry.” And then Mom started crying again, her sobs growing until her whole body shook. I could do nothing but comfort her, “Ugh, I love you.”
“…”
“I love you…I have missed you so much, it…it might seem unbelievable.”
“I believe…I believe you. I’ve…missed you too, I’ve always wanted to see you.”
“Ugh…uh, uhh,” we hugged and comforted each other in the quiet room, filling the void of over twenty years of missed warmth and love. I couldn’t help but cry again; the scent of Mom, the warmth of her embrace that I had never experienced before, it was more than longing, more than anything in this world, it was an embrace that nothing could replace.
It felt like the emptiness in my heart, the part meant for Mom, was being filled.
After a while, Mom took my hand and led me to the back of the house to sit on the veranda, facing a small garden with a pond. Mom went away for about five minutes before coming back with snacks.
The atmosphere here wasn’t bad at all, it was beautiful, with a gentle breeze that made the hanging mobiles sway, creating a melodious sound.
“I want to hear about your life.”
“Yes?”
“Everything…that you’ve been through, that I wasn’t there for.”
“Oh…can you tell me about your story first?”
“From the time I went there?”
“Yes.”
“Hmm…it started when Grandma passed away. Grandpa died when I was still a child, so it was just me and Grandma. After I finished school, Grandma passed away, and before she died, she said she wanted to go back to Thailand, so I took…uh, your Grandma’s ashes, to Thailand for the first time with just a little bit of money.”
“…”
“To…Phuket.”
“Oh…so Grandma was from Phuket.”
“Yes, I didn’t have money, so I went to work, washing dishes at a restaurant. Later on, they let me serve food too, that’s when I met…your father.”
“I don’t know…how it was. I was very young back then, too young to understand anything, alone in a foreign country, so when someone showed care, I was overjoyed. I never thought he would deceive me, I gave him everything, my body, my heart, until I got pregnant.”
“He told me to get an abortion, he threw money at me…two thousand baht, I think it was at the time, he said he was already married, he couldn’t take responsibility, and he even pointed at me and cursed, saying that the child in my womb might not even be his, he said…what was it, I was a woman…a woman…”
“Never mind, keep going,” it seemed like Mom couldn’t remember those words, but it was for the best; they were probably not good words. So I told her to move on.
“At that time, I…didn’t know what to do, angry, heartbroken, and unsure, but I didn’t want to have an abortion, so I kept that money to buy food. I couldn’t afford prenatal care, so I delivered the baby alone in my room, with help from the neighbor next door.”
“At first, I wanted to raise the child by myself, but then I looked at myself and felt…pitiful. I didn’t have enough milk because my health wasn’t good, and I didn’t have money to buy milk for the baby; I felt sorry for the child. Back then, the only thing I could think of was pity for my child.”
“During the pregnancy, your father never came to see me. I could contact him sporadically, until one day I thought he should take responsibility or at least help us. I carried the baby…hugged you tight, crying, went to him, begged him to help us because the baby was going to starve.”
“…” Mom seemed about to cry but tried to hold it back several times, and I felt like crying too. Why did Mom have to go through so much hardship, and she was only eighteen or nineteen back then, right?
“He didn’t accept it. We argued in front of his house; he tried to send me away until his wife showed up. She…was holding a child too, I think her name was Torfan.”
“We argued for a while, with people from around there gathering to watch. We had to stop, and his wife suggested a DNA test, saying we would talk again if it matched.”
“Your father didn’t want to do the test, but his wife forced him to. They did the test, and it matched. After some discussion, it ended with him telling Mom to leave the child there and not to interfere with the child or them anymore, otherwise, they wouldn’t help at all.” “He looked very displeased, but since the child didn’t know anything, his wife must have felt sorry, so I chose to let the child stay with them.” “…Why?”
“At least you would have enough to eat every meal, and sleep in a warm bed.” I bit my lip hard, feeling a tightness in my chest from those words; Mom didn’t want to leave me…she really didn’t want to. “Me last request was to name the child Ren if possible, he agreed, but it seems he didn’t do it because the name was what I intended for my first child.”
“Why Ren?” I asked curiously.
“Ren…means lotus. My name means lily, and they are similar. For me, the lotus…”
“…isn’t beautiful when it’s arranged in a bouquet or put in a vase, but I think it’s beautiful just as it is in its own place. It doesn’t need extra decoration to be beautiful, because it’s inherently beautiful.” “I wanted my child to be like a lotus, beautiful as they are, in their own way and in their own place. Without anyone telling them how they should be or where they should be.”
“They don’t need to try to be as beautiful as roses in a vase, because the lotus is most beautiful when it’s on the water.”
“Oh…I understand now. Being oneself and in one’s own space is the best…right?”
“Uh, that’s right,” Mom smiled, “Let me continue…After that, I secretly watched over you for several months, until I was sure you’d be safe there, then I decided to go back to Japan. Because if I stayed in Thailand, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from seeing you.” “I worked and saved some money to start anew in Japan, but because I missed you, I…sent birthday gifts every year, oh, isn’t your birthday tomorrow?”
“Oh…yes, it is, I forgot.”
“You’ll be twenty-one soon, right?”
“Yes.”
“And after that…were they good to you?” Mom asked with a worried and concerned look. I bit my lip tightly before letting out a sigh, probably because when I was still a baby, Fan’s mother might have cared for me somewhat, but as time passed, raising someone else’s child with her husband wasn’t as easy as one might think.
“It’s okay, it’s all in the past now,” I answered.
“…Tell me about your life.”
“Aren’t you going to ask about Dad?”
“No,” Mom shook her head gently, “Forget about him, tell me about your life instead.”
And so I started telling my story from childhood, about how I was as a kid, how I won poetry contests, awards for Thai calligraphy in primary school, how I was the class representative for reading at the stage, how I often topped my class, recounting all the significant events from each age to Mom. These were proud moments I wanted to share with someone, but no one listened except Fan. These were small, trivial things a child wanted to boast about how well they did, but no one cared.
Mom listened to my stories with interest, her face showing happiness and pride throughout. This is what I meant by wanting to tell Mom so many things because, throughout my childhood, aside from Phii Fah and Fan, no one ever praised my efforts.
“So clever, you were the class leader too.”
“Yes, but there were some kids at the back of the class who didn’t like to listen to me.”
“…And what did you do then?”
“I told the teacher, and when they got scolded, they would pick on me, but I always fought back.” “You’re strong, did you get hurt?”
“…Sometimes, it’s just a boy’s injury. When they saw I wasn’t afraid of the back-row kids, whenever they bullied others in the class, the classmates would come to me for help. I could always help the class.”
“You were quite dependable as a kid, huh?”
“And then, when I was in grade five…” I told my story in great detail and with enthusiasm, it took a while to get to the present day. “So, the person standing next to you when you arrived, is that your partner?”
“Yes.”
“And the others?”
“The one wearing the blue shirt is Ter’s partner. The one in the gray shirt is North’s partner.”
“And the other one?”
“That one is just a friend of theirs.”
“Oh, how lovely, everyone came to see you off,” Mom smiled, “It will soon be dinner time, invite them to eat with us, or you could stay here if you want.”
“It’s okay, I don’t want to impose.”
“Impose what? No such thing.”
“Really, meeting like this with you is like a dream. This is enough for me,” I said sincerely, not wanting to impose any further.
“Or is it because you’re not happy that I remarried…”
“No, not at all, it’s good actually, you get to start a new life, and there’s someone to look after you.”
“…Son,” Mom bit her lip as if she wanted to say something, “But I…have always felt guilty for not doing anything for you. Now, I am ready to make amends; you can move in with me if you want.” “No…it’s okay,” I said softly, furrowing my brows, feeling very touched by what Mom said, “This is enough, thank you for letting me come see you.”
“…Why do you talk like we won’t meet again?”
“I didn’t mean it like that at all, but…how should I put it, I want you to have a new life. I just want you to know that I’m doing well. Don’t worry or be anxious. I just wanted to see that you are well too. I want you to continue on the new path you’ve chosen. As for me, I’ll walk the path I’ve chosen. We’re not on the same path, but we still have each other, right?”
“Uh…I understand, but I’m still your Mom…right?”
“Yes. No matter what. I want you to be my Mom,” I said with a broad smile, feeling my heart swell with warmth, “And I’ll still be your Ren.”
“…Uh, I love you.”
“I love you too, Mom.” I held the small hand of the person sitting next to me, and Mom held my hand back, her hand so soft and warm.
“We’ll see each other again, right?” Mom asked.
“Yes, if there’s a chance, I’ll come visit.”
“Uh, don’t forget to visit me, okay, son?”
“Oh…right, Mom.”
“Hmm?”
“If it’s not too much trouble…can you write letters to me, maybe once in a while?” “Oh…of course.”
“Thank you.” We exchanged addresses for sending letters, and then we walked back inside the house, finding the three of them playing in the living room. I joined them until Phii Fah messaged asking where we would have dinner since it was getting late.
And while I was about to ask Ter and North, I heard someone walking in, and it turned out to be Saito, Mom’s husband. When he came back, Mom went to help him with his bag and take off his suit jacket.
Mom introduced us to Saito, who seemed like a very kind man, and he even invited us to stay for dinner. However, I had to decline, thinking it would be better for their family to have dinner together.
Seeing this made me feel even more at ease.
Mom really does have a good new family now.
It’s a very warm family indeed.
I messaged Phii Fah that we would go out to eat together, and after a short wait, the doctors came to pick us up. It was time for us to head back.
“Damn, this kid, even in front of your dad, he’s still messing with me,” North complained heatedly because Daiki had grabbed his pants to prevent him from leaving. “He just doesn’t want you to go.”
“Shit, he’s just pulling on my pants, damn it, stop it, my pants are going to tear!”
Daiki looked up and said something to me, so Mom translated: “Daiki said you haven’t beaten him in the game yet. Next time, he’ll give you a chance to redeem yourself, so come back soon.” I couldn’t help but smile at what Mom translated from Daiki’s words, and I sat down to gently pat the chubby kid’s head.
“Prepare to lose next time,” I said, and Mom had to translate again, making Daiki smile broadly. I couldn’t resist pinching his chubby cheeks out of affection.
“I’ll be going now. I’ll send a letter.”
“I will wait, happy early birthday, son. Take care of yourself; you’re too thin. Don’t forget to eat a lot, your skin is too pale, exercise some, don’t stress yourself too much. No matter what, I believe you can do it. If anything, talk to me. As for what you asked about being the person I expected…”
“…”
“You’ve always been my son. No matter what, I love you and am proud of you.”
“I love you too, Mom.” I hugged Mom one last time as a farewell, then I noticed Daiki was crying. This was after North tried to pry his hand off his pants.
“Do you want my pants that badly?”
“He doesn’t want you to go. He doesn’t want your pants,” Ter said.
“Snot’s all over my pants now!”
Mom went to pull Daiki away from North.
“This kid acts like this when he likes someone; he must really like you North,” Mom said with a smile, turning to speak a few sentences to Daiki before looking back at me, “He said that Ter and Ren are kind brothers. As for North, he’s very mean, but he still wants to play with all three of you again.”
“What’s mean about that? He messed with me first,” North turned to say to Ter, who could only shake his head slightly in disgust. “Fighting with an eight-year-old, I’m going crazy.” “We’ll definitely come back, so stop crying, here, take this,” I reached into my pocket and pulled out a small plastic toy I got from a gacha machine near the train station. I wasn’t sure if Daiki would like it, but it seemed he did; he stopped crying and looked excited. “Daiki said this one is rare; the boys at school are competing to collect these.”
“Oh, that’s good, then we’ll be going now. Take care of your health, both Mom and Saito, I’ll try to visit often,” I said with a smile to Mom and Saito standing beside her. As I was about to leave, the chubby kid hugged me. I looked down at him making a pouty face, holding on tight as if he didn’t want me to go. I could only hug the stubborn kid back, and after a while, Mom had to pull him away again.
“Have a safe trip,” Mom said, looking at all of us.
“Yes.”
I walked back to sit inside the car, then saw Mom come over to say something to Phii Fah, but I was inside the car and couldn’t hear, nor did I dare to eavesdrop. I’d ask later. Then Phii Fah opened the driver’s side door and got in.
“What did Mom say?”
“Oh, she just said thank you and asked me to take care of you.”
“Oh, and…what did Phii Fah reply?”
“I promised that…”
“…”
“I would protect and take care of her son with my life.”
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