SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 3: Torfun
Those eyes…full of disappointment.
I looked down to avoid the gaze, my chest hurting so much I could barely breathe, both hands clenched and numb. I tried to keep my lips tight to hold back the sobs.
Please…don’t look at me with those eyes, can you?
Please, I beg you.
“So…you lied, didn’t you?”
“…”
“It’s not good, both what you did and lying to me too.”
“Hic…”
“Is there anything else you’ve been lying to me about?”
“…”
I had no answer, no words, letting tears drip down onto my hands uncontrollably, overwhelmed by fears I couldn’t handle.
Phii Fah knows…
“Going out to drink at night, huh? I can’t remember you being that kind of naughty child when we were young. I thought me and Fan had always taught you to be a good kid.”
“…”
“To be honest, I’m disappointed.”
“…”
“Phoon, you hurt everyone’s feelings, especially Fan’s. If you hadn’t gone out that day, none of this would have happened. Do you know that you’re at fault?”
“…Yes.”
“Also…I don’t like liars.”
“…”
“And I can’t forgive someone who hurt Fan.”
!!!
“I’m sorry…sir.”
I woke up in the middle of the night, my body covered in sweat, my heart beating so fast it was terrifying, breathing heavily like I was out of breath, and tears still flowing.
Nightmare…I am having a nightmare again.
I slowly hugged myself with my cold hands to stop the shaking, wiping my tears roughly, but recalling the nightmare about Fan made me sob uncontrollably again.
It’s okay, Phoon…it was just a nightmare. Just having a nightmare.
Phii Fah…didn’t say those things.
I didn’t mean it like that.
“Ugh…sob” I buried my face in the blanket and cried out. This was the first time I had such a nightmare; before, it was just repeating stories, but this time in the dream I was told by Phii Fah…that he was disappointed in me…and probably couldn’t forgive me.
My hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I always get like this when I have a nightmare so bad it wakes me up; my whole body is covered in sweat, and it takes a while to regain my composure.
But…
I just realized everything around me was dark, and when I found myself in the midst of darkness, I started shaking even more.
I’m afraid of the dark…
Every time I go to sleep, I must keep a light on; I’ve been sleeping with a light on since I was a child. If I’m alone in the dark, it causes me panic and I can’t control my mind. No, no…my phone, where is my phone?
Why won’t the lamp turn on, come to think of it, the air conditioner…
The power’s out…
I felt around for my phone on the bedside and found it, quickly turning on the flashlight. At least there was some light. Normally, I would have a flashlight or candles in my room for such power outages, but since I just moved into the dorm, I hadn’t prepared them yet.
It must be because of the power outage, my phone only charged a little.
The battery is going to die, what should I do?
I slowly moved to get out of bed, and I fell when trying to stand up because my legs had no strength.
“Mrs. Nuannoi.”
“…”
Ah, I’m not at home, I forgot. Normally, in emergencies like this, I would call for the housekeeper, but now I’m alone with no one to help. I sat on the floor for nearly three minutes before I could manage to stand up, stepping out to crack the door open, only to find everything was pitch black. Initially, I thought if there were some lights on, I’d go down to the convenience store at the bottom of the dorm, but with no lights at all like this, there’s no way I’d dare to go anywhere.
Or should I turn on the flashlight and quickly run downstairs?
No. I can’t, it’s too dark.
I’m not afraid of ghosts or anything like that. I’m just afraid of the dark. I feel suffocated and can’t breathe because of bad memories associated with it, especially if it’s dark and cramped. I almost feel like passing out, like I am now…
What should I do?
All I could do was open the window to let some air in, but I didn’t dare move around much because it was completely dark. What should I do at a time like this?
I checked the time on my phone. It’s a little after eight in the evening. After buying the hyacinth with Phii Fah, he dropped me off at the dorm. We didn’t talk much or discuss telling Fan about it, and being tired, I dozed off around ten.
Phii Fah…
Although I didn’t want to disturb him, I didn’t know what else to do.
I decided to open LINE and send a message to Phii Fah.
-dust-: Phii Fah
-dust-: Are you free to talk?
No response. Not even read, maybe he’s not available.
Ah…that’s right, Mona said she would call, this time is suitable for a call, so Phii Fah probably isn’t available to talk to me.
Or should I try to borrow a candle or flashlight from the next room?
That might be good, they might have one.
And while I was pondering this…
Tf: Is there something wrong?
-dust-: The lights in my dorm are out.
Tf: Okay.
And then…what should I do next? Phii Fah didn’t respond further, seemingly waiting for me to continue. Right, what should I ask him to help with?
-dust-: So…uh. I don’t have candles or a flashlight.
-dust-: The battery is almost dead.
-dust-: I’m scared.
Tf: Oh, still afraid of the dark?
-dust-: Yes.
Tf: How much battery do you have left?
-dust-: 15%.
Incoming call from: Tf.
I was slightly startled when Phii Fah suddenly called.
“Yes,” I answered with a trembling voice.
(What room are you in?)
“Yes? Uh, 302.”
(Then, Phii Fah will come to pick you up, keep the line open, okay?)
“Yes.”
And then Phii Fah’s voice went silent, turning into sounds of halfwalking, half-running, then into the sound of starting a car and the engine moving. Phii Fah was coming to get me.
While waiting alone in the completely dark room, I was so scared I was about to lose my mind, but seeing that my phone screen was still connected to someone, and knowing he was on the other end, made me feel a bit comforted.
At least, there’s still Phii Fah.
Like there always has been…
“No, Dad, no, I am scared, I am sorry.”
My childhood self, I can’t remember how old I was, but I clearly remember it was a Saturday when no one was home except Dad. Mom had taken Fan out since morning. I was lonely with no one to play with, so I snuck into Dad’s study and accidentally broke a vase. Dad, seeing this, got angry, dragged me by my wrist forcefully out of the house. I tried my hardest to resist, my face smeared with tears from guilt and fear.
“Dad, I am hurt.”
“How many times have I told you not to come into the study!” Dad yelled at me, his large hand grabbing my ear.
“Ouch, it hurts, it hurts, I am sorry. I won’t do it again, please,” I tried to say to make him let go, before he dragged me out to the storage room outside the house, “No, I am scared, I don’t want to go in.”
“Go in! So you’ll learn your lesson!” And Dad pushed me into the storage room. The last image I saw was his angry, fearsome face before the light slowly faded as the door closed. I heard the lock click, which made me even more upset.
“Dad! Dad! No, I am scared, please let me out, I’m sorry,” I cried out, my little hands pounding on the storage room door with all my might.
But there was no reply anymore.
No…
Dad…I’m really scared.
Dad…
“Hic, hoo, hoo,” I started crying harder, unable to bear the darkness inside anymore, the pitch-black, damp, and cramped storage room where I could barely breathe.
I started to fear the dark and confined spaces since Dad locked me in the storage room. Last time, I was locked in here almost the whole day.
The darkness was terrifying in my childhood memories. I didn’t know what was in that darkness. I didn’t know if something would come out to hurt me. I felt suffocated. I was scared; it was cramped.
No light could seep in except through the tiny gap under the door.
I was scared…
I couldn’t breathe.
I quickly turned and pressed my back against the wall, looking into the darkness, afraid something might be lurking there. I sat down, curling up as small as I could.
“Hic, hic…hoo.”
“Help…help,” I trembled with fear. Should a child of just a few years old be punished by being locked in a storage room for nearly a whole day? I sobbed and screamed at the same time.
“Sorry, Dad…let me go, I am sorry, I won’t go into the study again.” “Dad…Dad, I am sorry, I didn’t mean to break the vase.” “Dad…Dad, please help me.”
I shouted out, but there was no response. I hoped the butler or housekeeper would come to help me out like last time, but during this holiday, no one was around.
No one would be here until Fan comes back.
Fan…can you come back to me soon?
I don’t want this anymore. No more. No. Not like this anymore, I’m sorry, I am scared…help me.
Why…why did Mom take Fan out to play and not take me too? I wanted to play too.
But it’s okay…Mom said I had to stay and watch the house with Dad. Otherwise, Dad would be lonely, and Fan said she would bring back some snacks. I was just afraid Dad would be lonely, so I wanted to go play.
But I ended up breaking the vase…
“Hiccup, sob.”
“Phoon.”
“Phii Fah!”
“Are you inside?”
“Phii Fah, help me!” I forced myself to stand up immediately upon hearing Phii Fah’s voice from outside, “Phii Fah, I am scared, I don’t want this anymore, let me out!” I banged on the door to urge the person outside to hurry and open it.
“Calm down,” before I heard the sound of unlocking the door, but the door only opened slightly, “There’s a chain, I can’t open it.” Oh, right…the storage room outside the house has an external lock, but to prevent theft, Dad had added a chain for extra security, so even after unlocking, there’s still a chain holding it, making the door open only a little because of the chain.
“Phii Fah, can you go talk to Dad, please let me out?” I cried out in distress, but it was a relief that I could see outside since the door was slightly ajar.
“I saw uncle leave the house a while ago.”
But mom said dad would be lonely without me…
“Phii Fah…hic, hoo, I am scared, please get me out.”
“Hold on, I will go find the key.”
“Okay, please hurry back.”
“Okay.”
I saw Phii Fah run off, and almost ten minutes later, he came back panting.
“No one’s home, and there’s no key either. Did uncle take it with him?”
“Hic, hoo, yes, dad probably took it with him,” I cried even harder knowing I wouldn’t get out easily, “And…how did Phii Fah know where I was?”
“I heard the noise, so I came to check.”
There’s a gate between my house and Phii Fah’s house for easy access, so we don’t have to go around to the front door, and the storage room here is close to the wall. “Phii Fah, I am scared, I am scared, it’s dark.”
“It’s okay, I am here now.” His gentle voice made me feel a bit better, but still, Phii Fah was outside. “But you are outside, it’s dark in here.”
“Reach your hand out.”
I reached my hand out through the slightly ajar door as instructed. Phii Fah took my hand and sat down, leaning against the wall outside the storage room. So I sat down too.
In the room full of darkness, alone amidst the silence and fear, there was one hand always there to support me.
It might be dark, it might be scary, but I wasn’t alone.
We sat there, holding hands through the door gap. Phii Fah sat with me for hours without leaving. We talked about various things as if nothing was wrong.
At that moment…the darkness wasn’t scary at all.
Since then, I’ve been afraid of that storage room, because it wasn’t just once that I was locked in there. Many times, no one came to help, and my fear of the dark became so severe that I still sleep with the light on to this day.
When Fan found out that when she wasn’t around, I was punished like that by Dad, she pleaded for him not to do it again, but Dad did.
Perhaps because Dad didn’t want to hit me like Mom did, locking me up was less bothersome, so he wouldn’t have to see me and be annoyed.
It…was quite cruel, the memories from childhood.
Knock, knock.
I turned sharply towards the door upon hearing the knock.
“Phoon.”
Phii Fah…
I quickly walked over to open the door, seeing Phii Fah standing outside, with no sign of the lights coming back on in the dorm.
“Have you packed your things?”
“Huh?”
“Packed your things.”
“Why pack?”
“To stay in my room first.”
“…”
“Or maybe go outside first, wait for the power to come back then come back, but I am not really free right now.” “Oh…okay then. I’ll go pack my things for a moment.”
“Sure.” I invited Phii Fah to sit inside while waiting, since the power outage made it hard to see. I slowly turned on the phone flashlight and went to pack my things.
Staying in Phii Fah’s room…will it really be okay, Phoon?
“Did you not buy candles or a flashlight to keep?” Phii Fah asked.
“I haven’t bought them yet.”
“It would be good to have some in your room.”
“Yes.”
“How long have you been living here?”
“Just a few days ago.”
I answered back, quickly packing my bag, but then I remembered my room…thankfully the lights were out. Otherwise, Phii Fah would have definitely seen Fan’s pictures all over the wall; that would have been too strange.
We slowly walked down the hallway and then down the stairs.
No need to hold hands like when we were kids, right? It seems like the power is out everywhere around here, so I was right not to go down alone at first. Then we got into the car and went to Phii Fah’s dorm, which is more accurately called a condo. Walking to the elevator, I felt a bit tense because I’d never been here before, and there wasn’t much conversation between us.
We stopped at his door before he unlocked it and we went inside. Phii Fah’s place was a typical, spacious, and well-equipped condo, decorated simply without much clutter. Importantly, it was very clean, with lots of bookshelves. “Make yourself at home.”
“Okay,” I nodded, then sat down on the sofa, not knowing what to do now that I was here.
This is Phii Fah’s place…
“If you want to sleep, just let me know, or if you’re feeling sleepy.” “Oh, not yet,” I said, since I had just woken up and wasn’t that sleepy yet. I glanced around the room a bit before Phii Fah handed me some milk from the fridge, “Thank you.”
“You can watch TV if you want, the bathroom is over there. I’ll excuse myself for a moment.”
“Okay,” I nodded to show I understood, watching him disappear into the bedroom. I saw there was a desk inside the bedroom, and another one outside, which didn’t surprise me much because Phii Fah likes reading.
When I said the lights at my dorm were out, he came to pick me up to stay with him.
Phii Nong…do they do this for each other?
If this is normal…then I think I need to guard my heart even more. I looked at the carton of milk in my hand…chocolate milk. I like chocolate milk, but it must just be a coincidence. I poked a straw into the carton and drank. I didn’t dare turn on the TV because it wasn’t my place, and in that silence, I could hear sounds from the bedroom.
“Oh, I picked up my younger brother; his dorm lost power.”
“Where was I talking about again…”
Who was he talking to? It sounded like they were tutoring…it must have been Mona, I guess. From what I heard, they were tutoring when he had to come pick me up, so he had to hang up, and after picking me up, they continued their call.
It…feels bad…but I can manage.
I was sitting on the sofa for almost half an hour until Phii Fah came out of the bedroom, probably done with the tutoring. I looked at him.
“Are you going to sleep yet?”
“Uh…yes.”
“Then you can sleep in the bedroom.”
“Uh, I can sleep on the sofa.”
“How can you?” Phii Fah said, “Come sleep in the bedroom, I’ll sleep outside.” “Uh…”
“Come on.”
“Okay.” I had to get up and walk to the bedroom, not having expected to sleep together like this, and just as I thought, Phii Fah said he would sleep on the sofa.
Why…is he so kind?
“If you need anything, just call out.”
“Yes.” Before Phii Fah arranged the bed a little and walked out of the bedroom, closing the door behind him. I looked around the room in confusion. I never thought I’d sleep in Phii Fah’s room; inside, there’s almost nothing, everything is very neat and orderly. I should be the one sleeping on the sofa. I walked out to open the door and saw Phii Fah setting up the bed by the sofa outside.
“Phii Fah.”
“Yes?” Phii Fah turned towards me when I called.
“I should sleep on the sofa. I don’t want to intrude.”
“It’s fine, the bed is more comfortable to sleep on.”
“Uh…”
I was momentarily speechless, this shouldn’t be like this, Phii Fah is the owner of the room after all.
“Well…then, we can sleep together…if that’s okay,” I decided to say, since the bed is wide enough, making the owner sleep on the sofa wouldn’t be right, and since we’re both guys, sharing a bed shouldn’t be an issue.
“It’s okay, you can have the bed.”
“…Okay.”
“Goodnight.” Phii Fah said.
“Yes, goodnight.”
I closed the bedroom door when he mentioned goodnight, placed my bag beside the desk, and he offered me the bed while he took the sofa. It showed his gentlemanly nature, and to make it clear there were no ulterior motives.
Okay…
“Phii Fah,” I opened the door again, calling out, “Thank you.” He nodded slightly and smiled. I closed the door once more and returned to sit on the bed, which had light gray sheets and a duvet with no patterns. I lay down and caught the scent of the bed’s owner.
When we were kids, I remembered the smell of both Phii Fah and Fan well.
But now…I’ve forgotten those scents.
The smell of Fan has completely faded from her bed and belongings. I took the liberty of using many of her things to keep her memory alive, like her stationery or some clothes that I could wear, including Fan’s mobile phone.
I turned on the bedside lamp and turned off the room light, lying down, but no matter how I turned, I couldn’t sleep, probably because I wasn’t used to the bed. Almost half an hour had passed, and I still couldn’t sleep.
Will I not sleep at all tonight…
After a while, I heard the door open. I lifted my head to look.
“You’re still not asleep?” Phii Fah asked, seeing I was still awake.
“Uh, yeah, I can’t sleep.”
“Is the bed uncomfortable?” “No,” I shook my head.
“Hmm, do you need to sleep with the light on?” Phii Fah raised his eyebrows slightly in surprise before walking towards me. I got up to sit on the bed, “I thought you might be able to sleep with the lights off by now.”
“I can’t.”
“Having the light on might prevent you from sleeping deeply.” “Yes,” I nodded, knowing that sleeping with the light on isn’t good because it prevents deep sleep, but if I turned off all the lights, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
“Want to try sleeping with the light off?”
“It’s…I can’t.”
“Try it, maybe it’ll get better.”
“I’ve tried, but I really can’t,” I said softly.
“Then I will stay with you, and you can try.” Before Phii Fah sat down on the bed next to me, “If you’re scared, you can hold my hand.” “…” I was silent because I didn’t know what to say; was Phii Fah’s kindness going too far? I reached out and took the hand that was already extended towards me.
This…shouldn’t be like this.
As phii nong.
It shouldn’t be.
And then Phii Fah reached over and turned off all the lights in the room. I was startled by the sudden darkness, but when Phii Fah gently squeezed my hand in a comforting manner, I felt less panicked. I lay back down, closing my eyes, with Phii Fah holding my hand, sitting beside me.
“Will you stay until I fall asleep?”
“Yes, if you fall asleep, then I will go sleep outside.”
“Okay, goodnight.”
“Yes.”
I held onto that warm hand, not willing to let go because of fear, but after a while, I drifted off to sleep more easily than I ever had before.
Tonight…was the first night in two years that I slept soundly.
I woke up groggily in Phii Fah’s bed, noticing the soft morning light filtering through the curtains. I picked up my phone to check the time; it was just past eight. I unplugged my phone from the charger and walked out of the bedroom.
“You’re awake?” Phii Fah immediately asked when he saw me. He was sitting at the desk outside, already dressed.
“Yes, sorry for waking up late.”
“It’s fine. Go wash up and get dressed, then we’ll go for breakfast.” “Okay,” I nodded, grabbed my clothes, and went to take a shower. Once done, I came out. I had never woken up at eight before; it might be early for many, but for me, it was late because I usually wake up around four or five to see the sunrise every morning.
But today, I didn’t see the sunrise.
And I…slept so soundly.
I didn’t wake up with a headache like I usually do. No nightmares either, how nice…to have slept so fully.
“Anything special you want to eat?”
“Uh, no.”
“Okay, oh, right,” Phii Fah said as if he just remembered something,
“Can I have Fan’s LINE ID?”
“…”
“Haven’t talked to her in so long, just want to see how she’s doing.”
“Uh…”
I fell silent for a moment, thinking about what to do. If I said no, it would be strange, and this silence felt even stranger.
“And I can’t forgive someone who hurt Fan.”
Suddenly, Phii Fah’s words from my nightmare popped into my head.
“Okay, I’ll send it to you.”
I…was the black sheep, and will continue to be.
I didn’t want to lie like this. I swear…but I was scared. Really scared. There’s no guarantee that Phii Fah won’t get angry or criticize me even for a split second with that look of disappointment in his eyes.
I’m sorry…but I really can’t handle it.
“Yes,” Phii Fah responded, before we went out to eat. During that time, I sent Fan’s LINE to Phii Fah, it was the LINE account that Fan used, stored on Fan’s phone which I had kept.
“So, Fan is studying medicine there?”
“Yes.”
“It’s strange that Fan would let you come study here alone like this.”
“Well…I was stubborn and wanted to come by myself.” Yes…if Fan were still here, she would never have let me come alone.
Now, I don’t even dare to look at Phii Fah’s face because of the guilt filling my heart, along with many other mixed feelings. Because of the nightmare, I’m even more certain that…if Phii Fah knew the truth and spoke to me like he did in the dream, I would shatter again. And if I shattered again…I might not be able to recover. We stopped at a restaurant, and as we walked in, people were looking at Phii Fah. In truth, Phii Fah has always been popular, with his looks, demeanor, and everything about him being so appealing that it’s easy to fall in love once you get to know him.
There are hundreds, if not thousands, of people for Phii Fah to choose from…why would someone like me have any right, especially being Typhoon?
We sat at a table by the window, giving us a full view of the street outside. After ordering our food, Phii Fah’s phone rang.
“Excuse me, I need to take this call.”
“Okay.”
“What’s up?”
(Fah, have you bought a gift yet?)
“Not yet. Don’t know what to get, what about you?”
(Not yet either. They said they wanted a surprise.)
“What kind of surprise is it?”
(I don’t know, I can’t even think of how it could be a surprise.)
“Maybe don’t bother then. I can’t even think of a gift.”
(I agree, what more could someone like him want?)
“Yeah, that’s why it’s hard. What did Arthit say?”
(Arthit’s in Moscow, probably buying something from there.) “Will he be back in time for the birthday?”
(Don’t know, do you want to go shopping with me?)
“It’s okay, I’ll go by myself. I’m free today anyway.”
(Okay, tell me what you buy.)
“I haven’t figured it out yet, I’ll go look around first, find something suitable for him.”
(A smoking cessation course.)
“You should join him, Hill. I’ll buy one for both of you, quit drinking too.”
(Too late to quit, might as well send him to treat liver cancer.)
“Yeah, that might be good.”
(Try talking to James and his crew, see if Jo wants anything.)
“I’ve already asked, James said there’s nothing.”
(Nothing at all?)
“Hmm, but what he really wants, no one can give him.”
(What is it?)
“I’d like to know too.”
(Hmm, then let me know too.) “Alright.”
(Who’s that sitting with you?)
“Did you see me?” (Just passed by.)
“A junior I know.”
(Everyone is someone you know.)
“Huh, why?”
(No reason, were you with him last night?)
“Why would you think that?”
(Eating breakfast this far away, if you slept separately, you would have to wake up at six in the morning to pick him up.)
“You know me well.”
(A junior, you slept together?)
“Yeah, his dorm had a power outage, he’s afraid of the dark, so I went to pick him up to sleep over.”
(But you slept on the sofa?)
“Yes.”
(That’s good.)
“Why?”
(The same old thing we’ve warned you about, Fah.)
“Understood.”
(How long have you known each other?)
“For a long time, since we were in Phuket.”
(Close?)
“Close, our houses were next to each other.”
(Used to be close.)
“Yes. Haven’t seen each other in a while.”
(Hmm, then I’ll hang up for now.)
“Okay, talk to you later.”
(Okay.)
After that, Phii Fah dropped me off at my dorm, saying he had more errands to run. I didn’t forget to thank him again and told him to be careful while driving, even though he’s a good driver. When I opened the door to my room, I found myself letting out a sigh and flopping down on the bed.
I had a full night’s sleep last night, so why do I feel so tired? I used to think Phii Fah had no boundaries in relationships, but in reality, there are boundaries, like a thin, clear glass. If you don’t get close enough, you won’t see it, and when you try to get close to a certain point, you’ll bump into that glass hard.
It seems like this is as close as I can get…for one younger brother. I got up to rummage through the drawer under the desk, finding a phone resting there. I picked it up and turned it on.
Add friend from LINE ID
Phii Fah had already added Fan on LINE. I looked at the screen, confused. The moment I decided to accept the request, my hands wouldn’t stop shaking, nor would my heart, which was beating out of rhythm.
I… accepted it…
And as soon as I accepted the friend request, Phii Fah sent a message.
Tf: Fan, this is Fah.
Tf: How are you?
Torfan✿: Doing well.
Torfan✿: And how are you, Fah?
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