SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 25: Sky and Love
I had no answers, completely tense, my breath catching while my heart kept beating stronger. The person beside me was the same. After the initial greeting, he went quiet.
I was gradually getting used to the heat from the outfit I was wearing, looking up at the sky being consumed by darkness. There wasn’t even the soft background music, just the occasional sound of cars passing below, before the air around us turned into a humid warmth that made me suspicious.
‘Rain is coming.’
I wrote that message in the notebook I had prepared. At first, I thought typing on my phone would be quicker, but Phii Fah might recognize my phone, so I decided to bring a pen and notebook instead, handing it to the person next to me. Look, Phii Fah seemed to glance over slightly.
“You’re good. I didn’t feel it at all.”
‘It’s humid, and the wind is picking up.’
“Hmm…”
“The rain won’t reach here,” Phii Fah said, making me nod slightly in understanding because we weren’t on the edge of the balcony but closer to the inside of the shop, “Do you like rain?”
‘Sometimes, how about you?’
“I like it.”
‘Why?’
“It feels peaceful, I guess.”
‘Then I must thank the rain for coming for you.’ After I finished writing this message and showed it to Phii Fah, the rain started to fall gently before intensifying, and as I thought…the rain didn’t reach us here. I stole a glance at the other person, who had a slight smile at the corner of his mouth.
“It’s really raining.”
‘I’m the best weather forecaster.’
“Hmm, it seems so.”
That deep voice made me feel a little surprised, it wasn’t too different from usual, but I could feel the calmness in every sentence that passed.
It seemed like Phii Fah was also at ease with us being here together, which might just be my imagination, but I hoped it was true because I felt the same way, at ease like this…
“‘I have a lot of things I want to tell you…”
Before I could finish writing the message, Phii Fah continued speaking.
“You’re going to say you’re ready to listen, right?” Oh…yes.
That’s right. I’m ready to listen…to everything. No matter how good or bad it might be.
‘You know?’
“I know, because you’re my safe zone.” Safe zone…
“Can you?”
“Can you be my safe zone?”
That voice sounded so tired that it made my heart sink, before I pressed my pen to the paper to write the next sentence quickly.
‘I can be anything.’
“You’re too kind.”
“Too kind?”
“You don’t have to be this kind, you know?”
‘I’m not kind at all.’
‘I just love you.’
“…”
I put the pen down on the notebook because my left hand was shaking too much. I didn’t dare look at the person next to me to see what expression he was making. I averted my gaze to look straight ahead, seeing the thick curtain of rain that also brought down the temperature around us.
Right now, all I hear is the sound of the rain and your voice.
“Can you say it out loud?”
“Those words.” I didn’t imagine it.
He…must be so tired.
We’ve known each other since we were kids, spent many years together, and the Phii Fah I know has always been strong, a pillar and a refuge. Phii Fah never showed any signs of vulnerability to anyone, not even to Uncle or Aunt.
But how could that be possible? In the end, we’re all just humans. We can’t be strong and endure everything; everyone has a vulnerable side they don’t want others to see. Phii Fah must have been tired, always taking care of and thinking about those around him, carrying the dreams and expectations of everyone, always keeping everyone’s feelings in check.
But his own feelings are often overlooked.
‘I love you.’
“It’s not the time for you to say that, is it?”
‘Sorry.’
“It’s okay. This is good enough, thank you.”
…
“I must be…too tired.”
‘I know.’
“You know?”
‘Yes.’
“How do you know?”
‘Because I’m your safe zone.’
“…” From the corner of my eye, I caught the other person smiling secretly, those sharp eyes looking ahead, “Because you’re like this.”
‘Why?’
“You can fall in love with me over and over again.” Oh…this is a bad, Typhoon.
Really bad.
My heart is beating too wildly to control, thankfully the sound of the rain covers it. Otherwise, Phii Fah would surely be startled by my heartbeats now.
‘You said you have something to tell,’ I wrote.
“Yes.”
“I’m just…so tired of being myself.”
“From the moment I was born, I never knew what I liked or didn’t like; I was taught to find joy in other people’s happiness. I don’t know, maybe it’s about thinking of others before yourself.”
What Phii Fah was telling me didn’t surprise me. Even though Phii Fah never showed it, I could guess. I’ve always thought about how he might feel, and it made me feel very guilty for relying on Phii Fah in the past, always waiting for him to help and take care of me.
That didn’t look like love at all.
Then, a story that didn’t have many details was recounted. Phii Fah briefly explained how he felt over time. Someone who hasn’t experienced it might not understand how painful it is to bear pressure and expectations, but I understand well.
Everyone has their own pain.
And don’t judge others, because no one is the same.
“I’ve never told anyone this, you’re the first, including some content in the letters. It’s strange, because maybe you’re my safe zone, so I dare to tell everything.” ‘With pleasure.’
“Are you disappointed?”
‘No. Not at all.’
“Really? This is why I didn’t want to tell anyone, it doesn’t seem like me at all. No, really, I don’t even know myself.”
I don’t know why…I could sense that feeling of emptiness was consuming my heart.
‘You are you.’
“…”
‘No matter how you are, you’ll still have me.’
“Oh…has anyone ever told you that you’re very cute?” “I don’t know, because you like taking photos, you like planting trees, you’re kind, you’re cute without even trying. What word should
I use…because it’s you, everything seems perfect.”
One thing I should worry about more than passing out because of this outfit is the fear of having a heart attack because of Phii Fah.
“You’re the first one to say this,” I wrote back.
“That’s good. Otherwise, it would mean you’ve been cute with someone else.”
Oh…
That’s bad again…
My heart is definitely going to fail, Phoon.
“I have something to ask.”
‘Yes?’
“Just now, when I said my name, Tonfah, comes from my father wanting me to be the sky, and my mother wanting me to be a tree, what about you…”
“What do you want me to be?”
I paused for a moment before writing down on the notebook and slowly handing it to the person beside me. Look again.
‘Sky’
‘And love’
Yes…for me, Tonfah is both the sky…and love.
He’s the sky and the love of my entire life.
“Love, huh…thank you. I never thought anyone would answer like that.”
“I’m glad you came into my life.”
‘With pleasure.’
“Are you letting me read old pages now?”
‘I can’t write fast enough,’ I mumbled a bit, even though no one could see because of the mask, feeling my heart swelling more and more, somehow.
It’s good that you’re here…Typhoon.
“What about you?” ‘Me?’
“Do you want to tell me something? Can I be in your safe zone?” “I’ll wait until you’re ready to tell me because I’m not going anywhere either.”
‘Thank you.’
Because ‘safe zone’ means a place of safety, where we feel comfortable telling our stories. I also want to tell Phii Fah everything, but there’s one thing I can’t tell.
But I really liked what he said just now, that he wouldn’t go anywhere. It seems that from now on, no matter how much it rains, it’s just so that a flower like me can bloom.
“When do you think the rain will stop, Weather Forecaster?”
‘This shouldn’t last long, I think.’
“I hope the lights around here don’t go out.”
Phii Fah’s casual remark made me pause for a moment; that’s right…last time it rained, the lights went out. If the lights go out now, it would be terrible. No matter what, I wouldn’t be able to keep my composure.
“Do you want to order something to eat?”
‘It’s okay.’
The rain continued to fall heavily as before, and between us, there was silence again when Phii Fah didn’t start any conversation. I didn’t know what to write back, gripping the pen and notebook tightly in my hand.
The more I looked, the stranger it felt.
It was a strange meeting.
But you still refrain from asking anything.
It’s a strange relationship.
And you’ve never asked for anything in the past either. Phii Fah once said he wouldn’t ask or demand anything from the person in the letters because he knew I would feel uncomfortable, so why this time did he…”
‘Why did you want to meet me?’
I decided to write it down and handed it to Phii Fah to read. After a while, his soft voice replied:
“I just wanted to meet you. That’s all.”
“I just wanted to know what it would be like to be close to you.”
‘And how is it?’
“Just as you might feel…I’ve never felt this at ease before. Just knowing you’re sitting next to me, I forget everything.” “And you, why did you decide to come meet me?”
‘Because you wanted to meet me.’
“By sending letters and hiding your identity from the start, doesn’t that mean you needed a safe zone?”
‘The only reason is you, no further explanation needed.’ I smiled broadly under the black mask, my heart filled with warmth, beating irregularly.
How could I dare to write something like that?
I wonder how the person beside me feels…I hope he feels the same. And it turned out that we barely talked at all. We just sat there, quietly looking at the view. Occasionally, Phii Fah would start a conversation, or I would. Just short questions and answers, probably because we’ve already talked a lot through the letters.
“Can I hold your hand?”
That question went unanswered for about half a minute, with me confused and doing nothing. Finally, I slowly let go of the notebook I was holding and reached out to grasp the thick hand that had been waiting.
Our hands touched.
And what a warm touch that made me nostalgic.
Phii Fah held my hand, gently lifting it to his lips and lightly kissing the back of my hand, which made me freeze as if I’d stopped breathing. When I regained my senses, my heart nearly exploded.
“It smells good.”
I slowly pulled my hand back, but Phii Fah held it tighter. So, I let him keep holding my hand like that, Phii Fah lowering his hand to rest beside us, turning it into a simple hand-holding.
His hand is so warm…
Because my right hand was being held, I used my left, more adept hand to write on the notebook on my lap. After writing, I showed it to him.
‘Have you ever done this with anyone?’
“No.”
‘Why?’
“Kissing the back of the hand signifies respect, do you know…I’ve never felt the need to cherish someone this much before.” I put down the pen and the notebook…
I shouldn’t have asked. I don’t know what all these mixed feelings are right now; I just know I’m so happy I could die, my heart beating so hard I’m afraid of the heat spreading from my chest to my face, and suddenly, tears came from somewhere, flowing uncontrollably.
I really couldn’t stop them.
“Hic…”
I clenched my lips to stifle the sobs, but it didn’t work.
Phii Fah knew.
“You…” that deep voice was full of utmost concern, slowly moving closer to me, but I kept my head down, avoiding eye contact,
“…what’s wrong?”
I shook my head slightly in response. Please…don’t look at me right now.
“Look up a little.”
“…”
“Sorry. Did I say something wrong?”
I shook my head again. I wanted to say I was fine, but I couldn’t, it was just the happiness and warmth in my heart overflowing. The love I could feel, both in words and actions, I never expected to receive it back. I was just Phoon, after all. On the first day I decided to send that letter, it was only to look after and watch over him from afar.
Thank you…thank you so much.
Thank you for all the feelings you’ve given me.
In the end, all that longing finally had meaning.
“No, don’t cry anymore, look up a bit, please.”
“…Hic, sob.”
“Can I wipe your tears?”
“Sob…hic.”
“Look up first. It’s okay. I’ll close my eyes, okay? I won’t look at you.”
“…Hic.” Phii Fah’s words made me pause a little, even as I was still sobbing. I didn’t want to cry, but I couldn’t help it.
I nodded slightly in agreement, before Phii Fah released my shoulder and hand. I slowly looked up, stealing a glance, and found that the other person was indeed looking away with his eyes closed. I then carefully wiped my own tears, pulled my mask down, quickly wiped the tears from my cheeks, and pulled the mask back up. It took nearly a minute to stop crying.
“Are you okay now?”
“…”
“Oh, right. I’ve got my eyes closed, and you can’t answer.” Phii Fah said, “So, if you’re okay, can you hold my hand?” I reached out to hold the hand of the person next to me.
“Is it better now?”
I squeezed his hand gently as a sign of yes.
“Then, can I check something?” I didn’t quite understand what Phii Fah meant until he slowly let go of my hand and turned towards me with his eyes still closed. I quickly looked away.
“I just wanted to know if you’re still crying.”
“…”
“‘You can close my eyes again if you’re worried I’ll open them.’ I looked at Phii Fah with a slight worry but understood why he said that, perhaps concerned that I was still crying. So I slowly extended my hand to cover Phii Fah’s eyes, and he leaned in closer, both hands reaching gently to touch my face.
The distance between us was too close…
His fingers touched near my eyes, and once he found that I had wiped them dry, he gently moved his fingers to other areas. It felt like I was in a trance, trying not to remove my hand from covering his eyes. Our faces were just centimeters apart, I could feel his warm breath.
Thank goodness I didn’t have to look into his eyes…otherwise, I might have died for real.
His fingers moved to my cheeks, and Phii Fah slowly pulled down my mask. I was startled by the sudden action, but seeing that Phii Fah couldn’t see anything, I tried to keep myself still.
Until his thumb touched my lips, gently sliding back and forth. I felt my whole body trembling, and without warning…
Phii Fah leaned down, his lips meeting mine in a gentle kiss. The moment our lips touched, my mind went blank, my hand still covering his eyes stayed in place, before he leaned his whole body closer, trapping me against the hanging chair.
One hand slowly came up to cup my chin, making it easier to press our lips together. I closed my eyes tightly, my heart beating so fast it felt like it might burst, my other hand gripping his arm tightly, before his warm tongue slowly invaded, our tongues touching and flicking together.
I didn’t dare to breathe, feeling the warm breath caressing my ear and cheek. I didn’t kiss back because I didn’t know how. Phii Fah, on the other hand, was giving soft, slow, tender touches.
The faint, unique scent of him wafted up to my nose; I could hear his breathing mixed with the sound of the rain.
“Uh…”
I accidentally let out a soft moan in my throat when my lower lip was bitten, trying to push him away but lacking the strength, my heart beating so hard like I was out of breath or drowning, and I couldn’t hold my breath anymore, so I hit his chest with all my might. Phii Fah slowly withdrew his lips. My mind blank, I quickly got up from the chair and ran out, but I was caught by him before I could escape.
“…I’m sorry.”
I quickly pulled my mask back up even though one of my hands was still being held, my chest heaving with rapid breaths. I didn’t turn back because I couldn’t handle anything else. I tried to pull my wrist back but failed. “…You.”
“…”
“Okay, let me take you back.” I shook my head quickly.
“Let me take you back. Otherwise, you won’t get home.”
I adjusted my hood, tucking my hands into my pockets, trying to stay composed but failing. I couldn’t think anymore, as if my brain wasn’t ready to process anything, just following Phii Fah outside. The same employee bowed respectfully without saying a word.
I didn’t even notice when the rain had stopped.
Not just my heart, my legs and hands were trembling.
I bit my lip tightly when I realized that the gentle touch from earlier hadn’t faded, imprinted as if to be remembered for a long time.
Our first kiss…
It was so gentle…it almost drove me crazy.
Phii Fah opened his car door for me to get in. I stepped into the car quietly, the luxurious car moved out. I didn’t dare look at the person beside me, just staring out the car window.
Damn…
My heart is working too hard.
“Do you live behind the university?” Phii Fah asked. I nodded slightly, “Tell me where you want me to stop.”
The car turned into the area behind the university, driving along the path until I decided to get off somewhere not too close to my dorm, I could walk the rest of the way. I pointed to where I wanted to get off, and the car signaled to stop at the side of the road. When the car came to a complete stop, I immediately reached for the door to get out.
“Wait,” Phii Fah said, grabbing my arm.
I was startled and instinctively pulled my arm back, looking up at him in confusion.
His handsome face gave me a slight smile at the corner of his mouth as soon as our eyes met.
“I just wanted to say…”
“…”
“I really like your soft lips when I kiss you.”
Leave a Reply