SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 2: White and Purple
I said goodbye before watching the car I just got out of drive away; Phii Fah had come to drop me off at my dorm. We talked a lot about what had happened during the time we didn’t see each other. There wasn’t anything special. If I had to guess, he probably didn’t think about me at all, moving on to new social circles, new experiences, progressing in his own way.
In contrast to me, I am still lost.
But I’m glad, Phii Fah seemed happy to see me. Even if it was just as the neighbor’s younger brother we hadn’t seen in a while. I walked up to my room feeling tired. Today was quite exhausting because I had been wandering around all day, not to mention the hot sun. I took off my bag and placed my things beside the bed, then took out my camera to look at the pictures I had taken today.
I was really lucky to capture such a bright sky today, with hardly any clouds.
It looked so bright today…
I glanced over at the wall above my desk, which was covered with photos. During the time I was learning photography, I had asked Fan to be my model. At first, she was reluctant, saying she didn’t like being photographed, but she always allowed me to take her picture. We went to many places together just to take photos, so the wall in front of me was filled with those memories.
It’s strange that I hadn’t thought about it before, but now that Fan isn’t here, all these memories seem to flood back as if to remind me not to forget them. Every photo has a story, and every story has you in it.
I remember all of them.
I slumped into the chair at my desk, next to a pile of medical exam preparation books, then a bookshelf, and on the other side, a small drawer on the desk for miscellaneous items. I opened the bottom drawer and found a photo of Fan taken with a film camera.
This photo is beautiful; I should put it up too…
I remember I didn’t like the outfit Fan was wearing in this photo because it was too revealing, so she wore an extra shirt over it despite the heat.
She always gave in to Phoon, no matter what, which is why Phoon became so spoiled. Thinking back to when we were kids, Phii Fah and Fan really did indulge me in everything, including letting me keep a cat because I wanted one, even though my mom said no, so Phii Fah ended up taking care of it for me.
Mom…
I still call her Mom. Even though, in reality, she isn’t.
Because…when people ask how Mom is doing,
I want to answer, ‘I don’t know either, since Mom divorced Dad, I haven’t heard anything about her,’ rather than saying, ‘I don’t know either, because I don’t know who my real mother is.’
I used to blame everything that hurt me, but when I think about it, everything has its reasons. Imagine a family: a father, a mother, and a one-year-old daughter, everything going well, a warm and happy family with a little angel as a witness of their love.
But then, suddenly, an infant is left at their doorstep, and it’s discovered that the child is the offspring of the father’s mistress. The family falls apart. The mother loses all love and trust in her husband, but she has to stay because of her daughter, and she also has to be a mother to this infant.
It’s not strange for her to hate me. I am the evidence of the worst things in her life; every time she looks at me, I don’t know how much hatred fills her eyes.
As for Dad…he didn’t love my mother. It might have been a mistake or something else.
But I am your child, don’t you feel even a bit of love for me… I don’t know who my real mother is, but the fact that she left me makes it clear she didn’t love me. No news. No contact. No stories about her for me to know.
She didn’t even bother to name me…
But I hope she’s doing well, somewhere in this world. If we ever meet and she remembers me, I would like to ask her…did you ever think about me? What kind of person did you want me to grow up to be? What did you want me to study or become? And did I…grow up to be the person you wanted?
“Phoon, come out and talk for a bit.”
“No.”
“I am sorry, do not be angry anymore.”
“You promised to go out with me, I don’t like people who break promises.”
“Little brother, I had to work on a group project with friends. Next time, I’ll take you.” “No, I can go alone.”
“No going alone, what if you get lost again?”
“Do you care about me?”
“Phoon…”
I sat on the bed with a scowl, feeling angry and hurt because Fan broke our promise that we would go out on Saturday, but suddenly she said she couldn’t go because she had to work with her friends.
What the heck, I had been eagerly waiting.
“Open the door, let’s talk.” Fan was still outside my locked door.
Since I had no one else but Fan, she had to pay extra attention to me. Whenever I was upset, I would throw a tantrum, and Fan must have been tired of it too. I was not a cute kid at all…
“I won’t open it.”
“If we don’t talk properly, how will we understand each other?”
“I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything at all.”
“Sigh…”
And then the voice from outside my door went silent. I immediately looked towards the door.
Is she not going to coax me anymore?
After a while, a piece of paper slid under the door. I slowly walked over to pick it up; it was a folded note. I unfolded it to find a handwritten message:
To…Phoon, the grumpy little brother,
I know we had agreed to go out together on Saturday, but you have to understand that I am not free. This group project is really important, and if I don’t help her friends, they will surely be mad at me. Phoon, you wouldn’t want me to be mad at by my friends, right? So be a good kid and wait a bit. Next time, we’ll go to two places, and I’ll treat you to snacks. Deal? ^_^
P.S. I know you’re waiting to be coaxed, but if one day I stop coaxing you, what will you grumpy kid do? Hurry up and stop being upset. The cake I baked is almost ready. If you don’t come out soon, I might eat all the cake without you knowing.
From…Torfan, the sister who always has to coax this grumpy kid. I couldn’t help but smile at the message written on the paper. I opened the door to find Fan standing there with a freshly baked cake in her hands, and we made up and sat down to eat the cake together. Since then, we, as siblings, have used the method of passing notes under the door whenever we’re angry or don’t understand each other, or sometimes when we want to say something but are too shy to say it face to face; we’ve always written letters like this.
Fan said…writing letters can convey feelings that don’t reach otherwise, like when Fan wanted to make up with me, but I wouldn’t talk to her, so she used the method of writing a letter to me instead.
Until now…I still write down the feelings I want to send. I have letters to write every day, letters to Torfan, sort of like a diary about what I’ve encountered today, how I felt, telling Fan about my daily stories, but those letters never go anywhere, once written, they go into the drawer. I started doing this not long after Fan passed away because I was lonely and wanted to tell someone about my day.
And importantly…it’s the longing I want to send, just like the letters Fan used to send.
To…Torfan
From the last time I said I would come to Chiang Mai, today the weather was nice, so I went out for a walk and took photos like usual. I went to the Walking Street too; it looked quite unique here, the things for sale weren’t very familiar, so Phoon got a handmade item for 150 baht. Importantly, I met Phii Fah, and he was with someone named Mona, who is my age, a first-year medical student. At first, I thought they were dating, but Phii Fah said she’s just a junior he knows, they must be quite close. Otherwise, they wouldn’t hang out together. In the future, they might develop a relationship. Phii Fah seemed happy to see me too, like seeing a little brother after a long time, asking all sorts of questions, even about you, Fan.
But I said Fan, you…is doing well.
I am sorry for lying, being bad again, but at that moment, I couldn’t think straight. If I told the truth, Phii Fah might get angry, or if Phii Fah is disappointed in me, I know he’s not like that, but honestly, Fan…Phoon is so scared, scared of everything. If I lose this person, with Fan gone, who would Phoon have left? As for Phii Fah, he’s still the same, as kind as ever, and importantly, he’s become much more handsome. Fan, you would definitely scream if you saw him. He must be very popular at university, of course, it’s Phii Fah. Oh yeah, it seems Mona is also one of Phii Fah’s students, which means Phii Fah must be very good, now he’s become an excellent senior doctor.
But don’t worry, Fan, I will definitely pass the medical exam, I
will become a doctor, treating children in need, just like you wanted to be: )
Tonight, you are good, I hope you are happy and healthy wherever she is.
With love and always missing you, from…Typhoon
I folded the paper and taped it shut, placing it into a drawer filled with similar folded notes, because I’ve been writing them every day for years now. I’ve accumulated so many, but they’re not hard to store; one box is enough. After some time has passed, going back to read these old letters brings back memories of each day, some good, some bad. Some sheets are stained with tears, but I’ve made it through all that.
I might be imagining it, but I think I’ve grown up a bit too. A notification sound came from my phone. I picked it up to check and found a message from Phii Fah, we had just exchanged LINE IDs a moment ago.
I’ll be able to talk with Phii Fah now…
Tf: Are you asleep yet?
-dust-: Not yet.
Tf: Do you want to go anywhere?
Earlier, while in the car on the way to drop me off, Phii Fah said that since I had just moved here, I probably didn’t know my way around much yet. If he had free time, he’d take me around the city so I could get to know the area better, and if I wanted to visit somewhere special, I could tell Phii Fah, and he would take me…
-dust-: I haven’t decided yet.
Tf: Are you free tomorrow?
:
Tf: Let’s go around the university.
Tf: So Phoon won’t get lost when you start studying.
-dust-: Sure.
Tf: Then I will pick you up tomorrow.
Tf: What time is good for you?
-dust-: Anytime is fine.
Tf: Let’s say one in the afternoon.
-dust-: Okay.
Tf: goodnight, sleep well -dust-: Yes, goodnight.
And our conversation ended there, saying goodnight even though it was only a bit past nine in the evening. I scrolled through to look at the chat owner’s display picture, which was a candid shot of him. Even though we only talked this much, it felt strangely comforting. The thought of seeing him again tomorrow made me smile involuntarily.
He’ll take me around the university so I won’t get lost when I start studying there, so kind of him, isn’t he? Is he this kind to everyone? I’ve heard that if you fall in love with the kindness he gives to everyone, it can hurt more than falling in love with someone who doesn’t love anyone.
If that’s the case, then…tonight, will I sleep well, Phii Fah?
I hope the sky will be as bright tomorrow as it was today.
04:20 a.m.
Last night I didn’t sleep well, in fact, I rarely sleep well. There are so many things to think about, and often when I close my eyes, images of Fan appear. Then I spend the whole night crying in my sleep, sometimes having nightmares, waking up in the middle of the night frequently, only to find tears flowing. I see images of Fan driving to pick me up and getting hit, or when Mom and Dad were arguing. So, sleep has become quite scary for me.
Because I’m afraid of having nightmares…
I once went to a doctor about my insomnia since it was disrupting my daily life, but I didn’t go into detail about what was causing it. I just said I was stressed from school and a few other problems. My insomnia got more chronic, and the doctor said I have insomnia. At first, when I took the medication, it seemed to help, but it felt like the more I slept, the worse the nightmares got. I stopped taking the medicine and went back to enduring the insomnia. The doctor suggested I see a psychiatrist for depression because it seemed I had more going on emotionally, but I didn’t want to tell anyone about what happened.
I’m too scared to talk about it, and I try to bury it as deep as possible…
Last night I went to bed at 9 p.m. and woke up around 4 a.m., only getting about five hours of sleep, and it wasn’t even deep sleep, waking up intermittently, so I had a terrible headache. But knowing I probably wouldn’t sleep anymore, I decided to get up. I got up, took a shower, washed my face, made some coffee to drink, checked my study schedule to see what subjects I needed to read today, and then began reading my books.
Maybe I should try going to some tutoring sessions. There must be tutoring places in Chiang Mai to prepare for entrance exams. If I have time, I should discuss this with Dad when he’s free and available to talk.
I didn’t forget to stop reading at around six in the morning to watch the sunrise, due to my insomnia, which has made me wake up early every day for a year now. Watching the sunrise isn’t bad at all, and the way the sky changes color when the sun is about to rise is beautiful; I couldn’t help but take my camera to capture the moment. I spent almost three hours reading, and by seven in the morning, I went downstairs from the dorm to get something to eat. “You’re up early,” said the lady selling grilled pork skewers, greeting me. I smiled back.
“Yes, can I have two skewers of pork and one bag of sticky rice, please?”
“Same as usual. Don’t you want to try some grilled chicken?” “It’s okay, thank you,” I said with a dry smile, handing over the money.
“But you don’t look very lively, did you get any sleep?” the lady asked, handing me the two skewers in a bag. “I’ve been meaning to tease you; you always look like you’re half-asleep.”
“Ha ha, I couldn’t sleep much last night,” I replied before giving her the money for the pork skewers. “I’ll be going now,” I said, waving goodbye to the lady before heading back to my room.
Everyone keeps telling me I look sleepy all the time.
Yeah…I am sleepy all the time, indeed.
I returned to my room and sat down to eat the sticky rice with grilled pork I bought. I’ve heard that people who sleep less die sooner.
I think that might be true because since I’ve had insomnia, I’ve been more forgetful than before, and I was already quite forgetful. It’s like my brain isn’t working at full capacity; how long will you live like this, Phoon?
With nothing else to do but wait for Phii Fah today, I kept on reading. I’m not a good student. Not at all. Unlike Fan and Phii Fah, but because I wanted some praise, I’ve always tried hard. Fan always said that effort never betrays us; if we’re not as smart as others, we just need to work harder than them. Behind those good grades are patience and effort.
But no matter how well I do in school, I still don’t get much attention. Fan said Phoon is capable, but Phoon has to try so hard because he doesn’t really like it, which is probably true. I don’t like biology, chemistry, or physics at all.
If you ask what I like,
I like taking photos and want to be a photographer.
But forget it, that’s my dream.
1:04 p.m.
Tf: Can we move it to 2 p.m.?
Tf: I have something to do.
-dust-: Sure.
2:12 p.m.
Tf: I’ll be a bit late.
Tf: There’s a lot of traffic.
-dust-: Okay.
2:36 p.m.
Tf: I’m here now.
Tf: Look to the left, please.
I looked in the direction Phii Fah indicated, but I didn’t see anyone.
“That’s to the right, Phoon.”
“…”
“Still confused about left and right?” Phii Fah asked, letting out a small laugh. I fell silent because I felt embarrassed, doing something embarrassing in front of Phii Fah again, “Have you been waiting here long?”
I’ve been waiting since 12:30…
“No, I just came down.”
“Okay, shall we go then?”
“Yes.” I followed Phii Fah to his car because I was a bit excited to go out with him, so I came down to wait at the marble bench outside the dorm. When Phii Fah asked to reschedule the meeting time, since I didn’t feel like walking back and forth, I just sat and waited there.
“You’ve had lunch already, right?”
“Uh…yes.”
Grilled pork in the morning counts as two meals for me. I’m usually not that hungry. I don’t know why either.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, why?”
“No reason, it’s just that you look tired today.”
“Oh…that’s normal.”
“Normal like this?” Phii Fah, who was driving, took his eyes off the road for a moment to look at me, his expression surprised by what he heard. “Yes.”
“I think that might not be too good,” he said before turning his attention back to the road. Phii Fah drives very smoothly, which is good because I often get car sick.
“It’s okay.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. It’s okay.”
No matter what…it’s okay.
“Turn left here, and you’ll see the Engineering Faculty, but Phoon probably won’t be studying there,” Phii Fah explained, pointing out places around the university, which is very helpful for someone like me. I lifted my camera to take a photo. “You carry your camera with you all the time?”
“Yes. I like taking photos.”
“I remember you were into it since middle school.”
“Yes,” I nodded. The first camera I got was a birthday gift from Fan and Phii Fah; they pooled their money to buy it for me because they saw I was interested in photography but didn’t have a camera of my own. I used to sneakily borrow my dad’s camera to play around with it.
“This is the main academic building where some elective courses are held.”
“Phii Fah, you study here?”
“By the second year, I don’t take many courses outside my faculty anymore.”
“Oh…” I kept taking photos along the way, I would have to stick them on the wall and then sit down to memorize which building is which.
“And where is your faculty?”
“It’s on the outskirts because it requires a lot of space.”
“Space?”
“For the animals, for study. It’s shared with the Faculty of
Agriculture.”
“Oh…” I nodded to show I understood, wondering why I chose Veterinary Medicine, will I manage? I love animals, but I’m not sure if I’ll do well.
“There’s also a place to walk, it’s a reservoir, want to go?”
“Yes.”
The car stopped in the parking area before I followed Phii Fah. Even though it was evening, it was still hot. After walking up the hill for a while, we could see the reservoir, with small roads around for walking, and a few people here and there strolling.
I love the sky when viewed from here.
I quickly raised my camera to capture the moment, with the sky above and the mountains in the background.
Even though it’s hot, there’s a breeze, and walking to where the trees offered shade made it feel quite pleasant here. If it’s not too crowded, I would come here often.
“Can we sit and rest for a bit?” I asked, as the heat made me feel more tired, especially after not sleeping much and now facing this kind of sunlight, I felt dizzy.
“Sure.” Phii Fah sat down on the bench next to me.
I secretly glanced at the person beside me from time to time. The gentle breeze caressed his face, his black hair fluttering with the wind, the image I saw now made my heart beat faster, but when he noticed I was looking, I had to quickly avert my eyes.
It’s nice…
Being like this is nice too. Regardless of in what capacity, At least, for now, I thought so.
“Oh, Phii Fah, Typhoon,” suddenly a woman walked up to us, waving in greeting. She showed a bright, cheerful smile, “Hello.” Mona…
“Hello, are you alone?” Phii Fah asked.
“Yes, I came out for a walk, got bored staying in the dorm,” she said, “What are you guys doing here?”
“Just walking around,” Phii Fah answered.
“Nice, want to walk together?”
“Sure,” Phii Fah agreed. I knew he would agree, given his kind nature, unlike me who tends to feel awkward around strangers, but I had to go along.
“Typhoon, can I just call you Phoon?”
“Oh, sure.”
“Phoon, you like photography too?” Mona asked, pointing at my camera hanging around my neck. I nodded in response, “Can I see some of your photos? I’ve just started learning.”
“I don’t take very good photos,” I said. I prefer keeping my photos to myself because they’re beautiful to me, but they might not be to others.
“It’s okay. I’m not good either, want to exchange and look at each other’s photos?”
“Uh…well, okay.” And how could I refuse? In the end, we had to exchange and look at each other’s photos.
“Wow, Phoon, your photos are really beautiful.”
“Hmm, you are nice too,” I said, handing her camera back. “You can just call me Mona,” she smiled, “Phii Fah, let’s take a photo together,” before she linked arms with Phii Fah.
They look…so close.
“I’m not really into taking photos,” Phii Fah declined.
“Come on, just one photo.”
“Okay, then.”
“Phoon…can you take it for us?” Mona handed her camera to me again, this time asking me to take a photo of the two of them. Here, there was a small bridge, and when they stood together to take the photo, they looked like a couple.
“The photo isn’t very clear,” Mona frowned slightly, looking displeased when she saw the photo I took, because it focused more on the background than on her.
“Sorry about that. I’m not that good at taking portraits.”
“It’s okay. I’ll post it on my Facebook page then, can I tag you, Phii
Fah?”
“Sure.”
On the way back, Mona asked to ride with us, sitting in the front passenger seat while I moved to the back. I sat in the back, watching the two of them talk. Mona is cute, good at talking, and very cheerful.
“The other day, I met Phii Jo too.”
“Really? Where did you see him?”
“At the mall, he was shopping with a very beautiful woman, carrying things for her. I didn’t know someone like Phii Jo could have such cute moments, carrying things for a woman. I heard he’s quite the playboy, I thought he wouldn’t go out with anyone so openly.” “He was carrying things for her?” Phii Fah repeated, “That’s strange.”
“Doesn’t that mean she’s his girlfriend?”
“Probably, I can’t imagine Jo following someone around and carrying their stuff.”
“But he really was carrying things, full hands, clothes, cosmetics, shoes, and that woman was really beautiful, very suitable for Phii Jo, what a pity.” “Why is that?”
“My friend likes Phii Jo, says he’s totally her type, she came here to study because of him.”
“Really?”
“Yes, I’m secretly rooting for them. They say a man who stops being a playboy becomes very warm. Don’t know if it’s true or not.”
“I don’t know either.”
“What about you, Phii Fah, are you a playboy?” Mona asked teasingly with a sweet voice.
“No.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Alright then, thanks for the ride. See you later, Phoon too, bye!” Mona got out of the car when we reached her destination, turning to say goodbye to us.
“Sure,” Phii Fah replied with a smile, which made her smile even wider.
“Oh, Phii Fah, are you free tonight?”
“I’m free, why?”
“I wanted to ask about some things I don’t understand.”
“You’re really reading ahead to the first-year material?” “Yes, I’m your junior after all, aiming for honors,” Mona said enthusiastically, “So, are you free?”
“I am pretty free.”
“Then I’ll call you. Make sure to answer.”
“Okay.”
“Phoon.”
“…”
“Phoon.”
“Oh, yes?”
“You can move to the front seat if you want.”
“Oh, okay.” I got out of the car and moved to sit in the passenger seat.
“Shall we head back now?”
“Yeah, let’s go back.”
“Okay.”
On the way back to the dorm, I gazed out the window, lost in thought. It’s almost evening, and this feeling like there’s smoke swirling in my chest, what is it? I don’t like it…
“Then I’ll call you. Make sure to answer.”
Fan…Mona is closer to the sky than I ever was.
“Do you want to stop for something to eat before we head back?”
“It’s okay, I’m not hungry yet.”
“Are you sure? I think maybe you should eat something, Phoon you look very pale.”
“I’m fine, really.”
“Phoon, are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, I’m not feeling anything.”
“Since I saw you yesterday, you don’t seem as lively as before, has something happened?” The tone of the other person asking sounded concerned. I didn’t know how the person felt or what expression he was making because I didn’t look over. But one thing for sure, I didn’t feel good.
“No, really, I am fine.”
What would I be feeling…
I turned to give a wide smile to the person next to me. “We can stop for some food,” I said, thinking that eating might make me feel better, and the luxurious car pulled over at a roadside eatery. I knew it wasn’t good to keep things to myself, Fan had taught me that.
But…it’s become my norm.
I’ve been alone all this time…
“Couldn’t sleep last night?” Phii Fah, sitting across from me, asked.
“Why do you think that?”
“It’s not hard to tell.”
“Well…just a little.”
“Then you should hurry back and get some rest.”
“Yes.”
The way you care about everyone…it’s not good, you know, Phii Fah? Do you realize many people easily fall for your kindness? I knew from the start that delving deeper would only lead to pain. You should have some boundaries…for those you don’t have feelings for.
After we finished eating, we walked out to where the car was parked. My eyes caught sight of a plant shop nearby. I like plants because they give me a sense of peace I can’t quite describe.
“Do you want to take a look inside?”
“Can we go in for a bit?”
“Sure.”
Back at home, I had planted so many trees. Now, the housekeeper probably takes care of them. My dad moved out to live with his new family, so it’s just me and the house staff at home. Since moving into the dorm, my balcony is full of stuff, hardly any space for potted plants.
“Are you interested in any particular plant? Are you planning to put it on your dorm balcony?” the shopkeeper approached and asked. “Oh, I’m just browsing for now,” I replied with a faint smile, knowing I couldn’t buy any since there’s no space to plant them, but I just wanted to look around until I noticed the hyacinth in a pot on a shelf.
Hyacinth…
Hyacinth is a cold-weather flower that can survive in an airconditioned room, so I don’t have to worry about balcony space anymore.
“Interested?” Phii Fah, who was standing behind me, asked. I turned to look at him with excited eyes, nodding quickly, “Then I will buy it for you.” “Is that okay?”
“Yes, it makes you smile like this, how could I not buy it for you?” “Thank you,” I said, giving him a slight smile, “Will you plant it with me?”
“Better not, I probably won’t have time to take care of it.” “That’s too bad,” I said with disappointment, thinking if we planted it together, we’d have more to talk about. Phii Fah looked at me and fell silent, seeming to think about something.
“Alright, but I can’t guarantee I’ll take good care of it.” “Great,” I said happily, then turned to look at the shelf full of hyacinths, better to buy one that’s already flowering, starting from scratch might be hard, “Then can you buy one for me in return?”
“Hmm?”
“Yes?”
“Okay.” Phii Fah slightly raised his eyebrows before giving a faint smile. I chose the purple hyacinth, handing it to the seller to wrap.
“Can you choose the color for me?”
“Yes.” Phii Fah walked closer, glancing at the hyacinths on the shelf, and chose a white one for me.
“White? Why?” I asked.
“I think it would suit you, Phoon.” Phii Fah’s words made me pause for a moment. If I remember correctly, the meaning of the white hyacinth is…
No…Phii Fah might not mean its symbolic meaning, probably just that white suits me.
“And what about you, Phoon? Why the purple hyacinth?”
“Uh…no particular reason.”
“…”
“I just wanted to give it.”
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