SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 15: Light The Way
Tonfah
I sat there, glancing at the snack bag on the table.
They sent it again today…
I don’t really like snacks that much, but often I have to accept them because I don’t want to disappoint the giver. I eat some, but if I don’t really like them, I don’t eat them.
But I don’t know who keeps sending them to me…It’s been a month or so, sent through a second-year medical student I’m somewhat familiar with but don’t really know.
“Again?” Arthit asked, still looking at his phone screen.
“Yeah.”
“They’re quite persistent.”
“Right.”
“If it were me, I would have given up by now.”
“Yeah,” I shrugged indifferently. The handwriting was unfamiliar, but I was sure it was from the same person who sent messages during the break, saying, “I fucking love you so much.” At that time, I thought it must be a second-year student, but when the term started, they referred to themselves as “I” and “you” in the letters.
It’s strange…
It can’t be a mistake.
It has to be a second-year student…
When I first read that letter, I thought it was cute; many people send me letters, but no one has ever said they “fucking love you so much” me before, so I just thought it was cute.
“Hey, Fah.”
“What?” I looked up at Hill who called my name.
“I told Phoon.”
“What did you say?”
“I said ‘Don’t forget to thank him’.”
“Did you let it slip?”
“I meant to do it.”
“Hmm,” I nodded, having expected that Hill would say something. Hill is one of those who always encourages me to talk to Phoon, “It’s fine, it’s just about treating someone to a meal.”
“Why do you have to treat him?” Johan, who was lying on the bench, spoke up.
“He’s my junior.”
“Junior?”
“Yeah, what’s up with you?” I raised my eyebrows, puzzled, as Jo sat back up.
“Nothing,” the person across from me shrugged lightly, “Why are you only interested now? It’s been a year and there was no issue.”
“I’ve already said I hate being ignored.”
“And now the junior doesn’t ignore you?”
“We’ve talked a bit.”
“You should know how it is, North and Ter going to Phoon’s room that day,” Johan said while looking at Hill, “They were determined to go, which means it’s important.”
“Hmm,” Hill nodded, “What do you think it could be about?”
“It’s your business, Fah.”
“And there was a letter, along with the snacks that Arthit ate,” I said. The words written in that letter were similar to North’s, and might have been suggested by North. I don’t know this junior named Daotok, but I guess he might be the planner because North and Ter wouldn’t come up with something like this. But there might be others involved too…
“You know it’s Phoon.”
“How can you be so sure?” I asked Hill back, “There’s not a shred of evidence.”
“But the chances are high, aren’t they?” Hill said in a flat tone, “Let me ask again, what do you think?”
“I don’t like Phoon.”
“Damn, that’s harsh,” Jo said with a sigh, “Have you always thought of him just as a little brother?”
“Yeah.”
I knew Typhoon liked me. No…what he showed was even more than that, but he tried to keep it from me. He seemed to have built some kind of wall around himself. His eyes conveyed so much pain that I thought he must have gone through something terrible.
And I tried to make amends during those four years because I felt it was my fault for leaving him and not keeping in touch…Typhoon was one of the important nongs that I had to look after.
But suddenly, he changed, becoming someone else, not himself. Not his words. Not his actions or mannerisms. At first, I didn’t understand it at all, but I tried to adjust myself over time. Not long after, I woke up to find his room completely empty.
No trace of his existence…
Really gone…
I chose to respect his decision. No matter what happened, since Phoon decided to go, it meant that at that time, it was the best choice for him.
And I chose to stop chasing him.
To deal with my own feelings.
I only recently learned about Torfan…Fan is dead, so why would
Phoon lie? And about Fan’s LINE account. At first, I was a bit surprised but didn’t think much of it. Why did Phoon have to go that far?
To be honest, I was angry…very angry.
But I believe there must be a reason, and I believe that beneath Phoon’s actions is a kid who needs help.
When I noticed him looking happier, I immediately understood that Typhoon had grown stronger. No matter what the problem was, he could now endure and fight through the rain.
I wanted to say he’s done very well…
He sees me as the sky…I think so, he wanted me to be everything, but I couldn’t be. He used to have Torfan as everything in his life, and when Fan disappeared, he couldn’t live on.
And what if I disappear…
Torfan’s accident didn’t come with any warning signs, so the same could apply to me. I might cross the road and get hit by a car and die.
Therefore, I don’t want to be everything to anyone.
I have not Typhoon’s whole life. I hope he will love himself more than they ever have, so I’ve been trying to make Phoon see his own good qualities, praising him often. The truth is, he’s already capable, everything about him is already great.
I’m glad Phoon has become stronger without needing me… I decided to go see my junior at the store while everyone was having a celebration because I thought we should talk, but the moment I arrived, his expression clearly showed he wasn’t ready to talk and was ready to disappear again.
So…I won’t approach him carelessly again.
“Isn’t Phoon cute?” Johan raised his eyebrows to ask.
“He’s cute, but do you understand that we’ve been together since we were kids?” For me, Phoon is special, but we’re just like phii-nong, “We haven’t seen each other in a long time either.”
“Then you should make it clear,” Hill said with a serious look,
“That’s why I told you to be careful.”
“I’ve been careful.”
“How so?”
“Fah takes care of everyone like this, doesn’t he, Hill?” Johan spoke up, “People will like who they like, but if Fah doesn’t like them back,
Fah isn’t at fault…”
“But Fah, if you like Phoon and you’re just not aware of it, I’ll scold you on behalf of that jerk.”
“Hmm,” I said, letting out a small laugh at Jo’s words, “If I like him,
I like him, okay? But right now, I don’t see Phoon that way.” “We won’t interfere,” Johan said, “It wouldn’t be fair to you if we sided with Phoon just because he’s friends with your boyfriend, you can date someone else, we won’t stop you.”
“Aren’t you angry?” I turned to ask Hill, who let out a small sigh and shook his head in response, “I’m glad you understand.”
“Don’t block Phoon out just because he’s your little nong, look, he’s courting you this much,” Jo said, picking up the bag of snacks to look,
“This time it’s grape juice.”
I shook my head slightly at Jo’s words. Hill and Jo think it’s Phoon, seriously. We all think so, but we’re not completely sure because there’s no evidence, and anything could be possible.
He handed me back the snack bag. I opened it to see what was written in the letter this time:
This morning, the weather is quite hot. I think grape water will refresh you. I’m not sure if you’ve had breakfast, so I bought some sausages for you; they should fill you up for a bit. P.S. I hope your lab goes well today.
Even though I’m not sure who this person is, the gifts are never the same. He seems to have bought everything from 7-Eleven for me, but he’s very thoughtful. On hot days, he buys fruit juice; on cooler days, it’s milk, sometimes hot milk. The snacks are varied, he knows what I study each day, and during the mini-exams, he sends more, bigger bags of things that are perfect for study sessions.
One thing I know for sure is that he cares about me.
In a way no one else has ever done before…
“Isn’t the handwriting familiar?” Johan raised an eyebrow. “No. It’s not Phoon’s, but it’s just handwriting, anyone can write like this,” I said what I thought, “And you guys seem pretty interested.” “Aren’t you?” Hill asked.
“Not really.”
“But you seem a bit more interested now, don’t you? Look how you’re eating everything he buys.”
“Uh-huh, he’s quite sweet.”
“No matter who it is?” Johan asked.
“Yeah. No matter who it is, it’s sweet.”
It’s clear he doesn’t want me to know his true identity. For whatever reason, since he doesn’t want me to know, I shouldn’t know. I always respect others’ decisions.
“You said you don’t like Phoon,” Hill reiterated.
“Yeah.”
“But you’re starting to like the person in the letters.”
“I guess so. Just starting to take notice.”
“What if Phoon is the one sending them?”
“I guess I like Phoon.”
“But you said you didn’t like him.”
“Yeah, I’ve always seen Phoon as a younger brother, I’ve never seen him in any other way, but if Phoon is the one who wrote the letter, then I might see a side of him I’ve never seen before.” “Why not try talking to him, write a reply,” Hill said.
“Let’s wait. I’m not interested enough yet.” I said with a slight smile, yes…right now I’m just a little interested, I guess I’ll have to wait and see for a while longer.
“Why don’t you find out why your junior is distancing himself from you?”
“Hmm? Why should I look for reasons? Isn’t it clear that he doesn’t want me to know?”
“Aren’t you being a bit dense?” Arthit asked. I immediately turned to look at him. “No. I’m not like that.”
I smiled at the medical student who came to deliver something from that person to me, taking the item in hand. This time it was the same paper bag, and this time I handed another bag back in return.
“Yes?”
“Please give this to the person who sent this.”
“Oh, sure.”
The junior nodded and walked away. I’ve gotten quite familiar with his face, but each time I forget to ask his name. In reality, if I wanted to investigate, it would be very easy, but as I’ve said, I don’t want to, and this is good enough…
“Fah… even you can smile like that, huh?”
“Well…I think chocolate milk and a tuna sandwich might make someone else smile too.”
Even though I’ve never seen their face and don’t even know their name.
But…it’s cute.
Whoever it might be.
…
Typhoon
“Ter, come look at your friend.”
“Come on, give him some time.”
“Foam, Ter,” I turned to look at them while pursing my lips tightly, still holding the bag of gifts I had just received. I placed it on the table and sat staring at the beautiful handwriting, which had been there for a while now.
“I’ve given you an hour to get over your embarrassment, Phoon,” Foam said with a sigh, “Your cheeks are about to burst,” and he pinched my cheeks hard. I frowned because it hurt.
“I feel like…my face is getting bigger.”
“What do you mean by bigger face?” Ter raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know, like it’s swollen, everything’s swollen, my face is swollen, my heart is swollen, my body is swollen too.”
“It’s called ‘flushed face,’ not ‘big face.’”
“No, it’s swollen.”
“Okay, whatever you say,” Ter laughed. Ever since North brought the gifts from Phii Fah, I’ve been sitting here embarrassed for nearly an hour, my heart still beating fast.
“It’s worth it,” I smiled broadly, “It’s been two worth-it months.”
“Right, it must be the best sandwich ever.”
“Yeah,” I turned to look at Ter, nodding in agreement while still smiling, “It must be the best sandwich in the world.”
“Congrats, man,” Foam said, “It’s like when we supported our friend who liked a senior in high school, you’ve moved up a level, haven’t you?”
“Well…if you want to call it that.” Moved up a level, huh…
“But I never expected anything, just staying in the background, watching and caring. Knowing that Phii Fah eats everything I buy, I’m happy. I never thought…”
“He must be interested in you,” Foam said again. I looked at him, “He must be interested a bit, sending gifts for two months, he must soften up a bit.” “Then that’s good.” Really good…
“If Phii Fah is interested because I keep sending letters, that’s amazing, because the one who can take care of Phii Fah is the person in the letters. The real Typhoon can’t even talk to him yet.” I smiled broadly. I didn’t care if anyone thought I was crazy, but it truly made me happy. I couldn’t even describe how good I felt right now.
My feelings have reached you…
And you have accepted them…
When I was with Phii Fah, I never dared to show how much I loved him. I guess it was the right decision to follow North’s advice, to show him that I love him and am ready to take care of him.
I wouldn’t have had the chance if it weren’t for the letter.
“Phoon, can I ask you something?”
“Huh?”
“Suppose…you didn’t have the issue with your dad, would you approach Phii Fah?” Ter’s question made me raise my eyebrows in surprise before I nodded in response.
“Hmm, I think I could express my care for Phii Fah better than this,”
I answered, “Not just through letters. Not just watching from afar, but I would take care of him wholeheartedly. In North’s words, I’d go for it straight on.”
“Good, because Phii Fah likes you for your attention.”
“Really…is that so?”
“Yeah. Never seen their face, don’t know them, but still interested because you keep buying things for them, that’s called liking someone because of your attention, right? So, it means even if you didn’t have the letter, if you continue to show this kind of attention to Phii Fah, he would still like you.”
“…would you still like me anyway?”
“Ter, stop now, Phoon’s about to explode.”
“Phoon, calm down.”
“Ter, I feel like my heart just got shocked,” I reached out to grab
Ter’s hand as he offered it, my heart was beating so hard right now,
“Phii Fah likes me?”
“Your hands are sweaty, man,” Ter teased me, “Yeah, it’s Tonfah, the evidence is right here.”
“At first, I thought he was just buying back from everyone.”
“Hardworking as hell,” Ter sighed a little, “No, from what I know of Phii Fah, no one has ever made him as interested as you have, he’s interested in you.” “Not taking sides?”
“Taking sides a bit.”
“Ter, seriously?”
“Yeah, you’re my friend, I’m taking your side, aren’t I?” Ter’s words made me frown slightly before he burst out laughing, making me laugh along, “Like North, he’s great at praising his friends, who knows if he secretly did something for Phii Fah for you.” “He’s super dedicated,” I said while still laughing. “You look so bright today, Phoon,” Ter said, “Like there’s something floating around you.”
“Probably.”
I cry because of you.
I smile because of you.
My heart beats this hard because of you.
Every letter is the true, ordinary me, every letter is really Typhoon, every word, every concern. I wrote them with feelings, feelings that I couldn’t express to Phii Fah directly. I never dared to cross the line of our sibling relationship before.
But now, I dare to step over it.
I myself…hope that you will turn back to me as well.
Yes…because I once promised that if one day I was strong enough, I would come back to you.
And today…I am strong enough to stand by your side. Not the weak Phoon who only depended on you, but Typhoon who can be a refuge for you, Phii Fah.
“We can love others when we love ourselves enough.” North’s words from that day have been swirling in my mind for a long time. What North said was entirely right; how could I love someone else when I hated myself? “What are you thinking about?”
“Where did you find North, Ter?”
“Kicked around with my foot, in the dirt, he just popped up, why?” “Damn, I was going to say North has such positive energy, why don’t we clone him a bunch?” I said jokingly, “Oh, but we can’t, Phii
Jo would buy them all up.”
“Actually, I think having just North is enough, the country would collapse otherwise.”
“I want to be a positive energy for Phii Fah too. Even if I’m not as strong as North.”
“You don’t need to be strong. What did we tell you?”
“Just be yourself.”
“Right, don’t try to be like North.”
“I told you it would work. Don’t you trust me?” North’s voice sounded serious. Now, we were all in my room on a day off, “And did you eat the snacks Phii Fah gave you?”
“Done.”
“Oh, I thought you’d keep them.”
“I was hungry.”
“Damn.”
“I’m kidding, Phii Fah said to eat them all, so I did,” I said. It was just chocolate milk and a tuna sandwich, but they were really good, and I kept the note with Phii Fah’s handwriting.
“It’s good that the plan worked. We were so worried,” Daotok spoke up. Dao had been really worried recently, and when I told him Phii Fah had responded, Dao was overjoyed.
“It had to work. Who’s the Cupid here?”
“Got what he aimed for.”
“Why do I have to be both handsome and smart?”
“…”
“Damn, I need to take a shit.”
“That’s enough, I think.”
Ter quickly retorted, making the rest of us burst out laughing.
“What’s up with you, North, why are you so lively today?”
“Heh heh, it’s my day off, I finally got away from that shitty
Duennao for a bit.”
“Why Duennao?” I asked.
“He went to learn Chinese, and he’s been ni-hao-this-ni-hao-that all day, like Duennao is sucking his energy. He’s about to turn into a lion.”
“Fuck,” I said, still laughing, “Don’t blame Duennao.” “Are you taking his side, huh? I’ve been sending you stuff all the time, and now he goes off to ni-hao with Duannao.”
“No, don’t send me to Ni-hao.”
“Hmph, don’t say ‘ni-hao’ where I can hear it again.”
“Let’s get back to the cat’s letter, shall we?” Finally, Daotok helped to bring the conversation back to the original topic. Did North drag me off-topic too? “What does everyone think?” “Interested,” said Foam.
“Yeah, I’m starting to be interested too,” said Ter.
“I think so too, what about you, North?”
“I don’t know, maybe I should prepare the dowry,” North said casually, “Have you chosen your wedding outfit yet? I’ve already got my suit tailored for the wedding, ever since Phii Fah sent you that letter.”
“Wow, you’re in such a hurry, dude,” Ter said, shaking his head slightly at North.
“I’ve got a black suit, I’m hoping your wedding won’t deviate from my suit theme.”
“Do we have to do a wedding in the same theme as your suit?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Yes, because I’m the one with the grand role, don’t make me look bad by choosing a different color theme.”
“Man, you’re thinking too far ahead.”
“Come on, you have to think ahead, fight a bit, you’ve been secretly in love with him for years, show your strength!”
I now believe North is crazy; why does distancing himself from Duennao make him this persistent…
“See, I told you not to give up. It’s just been two months of sending letters, I’ve been buying lottery tickets for ten years, only won twice, and I haven’t given up. Yesterday I won again, and got teased by Phii Jo, ha, don’t let North win the lottery, then Phii Jo won’t have anything to say!”
So, the reason for this feistiness is because he got teased by Phii Jo? “Your couple is cute,” I said, noticing how adorable they were together, “You act like North too, why do you seem like a different person when you’re with us compared to when you’re with Phii Jo?” “Should I act the same way with you guys as I do with him?” “Can we get back to the letter issue?” Daotok reiterated, for heaven’s sake. I got sidetracked by North again, “Let’s continue.”
“Uh-huh, go ahead, ghost under the table.”
“…”
“Cat, hit North for me.” I grabbed a pillow from the bed and hit
North with it. North raised his hands to block and made a loud fuss,
“Ah, back to the point. We’ll share our thoughts on this.”
Daotok looked at me…I nodded slightly, probably Dao was asking for permission to speak.
“We think the plan of sending letters consistently over two months has worked, Phii Fah has started to notice the person in the letters, but we still don’t know if Phii Fah knows it’s you, the cat.”
“Actually, the likelihood of the doctors figuring it out is very high.” “We guess Phii Fah might know, with over a forty percent chance from the initial plan. We’re sure about one thing, the cat’s father won’t know, there’s no way he could know, it’s just a letter after all, right? But what we’re unsure about is whether Phii Fah knows, given that it’s someone he knows, someone close to him.”
“But the point is…if Phii Fah has guessed that it’s the cat, why would he still send letters back? That means Phii Fah doesn’t care who it is.” We four were like students listening to a teacher summarizing a lecture, North furrowed his brows with a serious look, seeming uncomfortable with the seriousness of the matter.
“Phii Fah is interested in the person sending the letters.”
“Maybe Phii Fah liked Phoon already,” Foam chimed in. “No,” I said, shaking my head slightly at Foam, “I knew that.” “Really?” Ter asked.
“Yeah, I can see it’s just a sibling relationship, Phii Fah doesn’t like me in a romantic way, I know that, and I’ve never thought to take sides with myself.” Even though saying it straight out like this would hurt a bit, it’s still the truth; if someone doesn’t like you, they just don’t.
“I feel sorry for you, Phoon,” Foam said with a worried look, “Or maybe…should you back off? Phii Fah doesn’t like you at all?” “That’s all in the past,” North said, “Live in the present and for the future, Phoon.”
“Hmm.”
“Are you still crying over the past?”
“Not anymore.”
“Are you happy with how things are now?”
“I am, very much.”
“Are you happy sending things to Phii Fah?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s what matters. Whether Phii Fah likes you or not isn’t important. What’s important is that you love Phii Fah, and no one can replace him.”
“Phii Jo once told me that when he liked me but I had a girlfriend, he got drunk every day for years. It hurt a lot, I know, but now, in the end, I’m the one who can’t do without Phii Jo.”
“With all this love you have, let Phii Fah know it. Where could he go from you? How could he not love you when you love him this much? If not, he wouldn’t be human.”
“Maybe one day Phii Fah will start liking you, Phoon. Wait for him to make a move, I feel sorry for you.”
“Foam!” North called out loudly to Foam, startling him, “The water doesn’t flow to the cat!”
“Shouldn’t it be ‘the water doesn’t flow to the buffalo’?” Foam raised an eyebrow.
“Phoon is a cat, isn’t he? If Phii Fah doesn’t like Phoon, he won’t make a move just because you like him. You should be the one to make a move, right? Phoon has come this far, don’t ruin his efforts.” “Uh…sorry, I should have known how much effort you’ve put in,” Foam looked at me with a frown. I shook my head slightly, indicating it was okay, “You’re right, North, the one who likes should make the move.”
“You’re almost too strong, Phoon, look at you. Would you give up just because Phii Fah doesn’t like you?”
“No way,” I smiled back at North, giving the widest smile I could,
“I’ll make him like me, just as I am, as Typhoon, the ordinary guy.” “That’s the spirit. All my coaching hasn’t been in vain. If Phii Fah ever likes you back, I believe someone like Phii Fah will be clear about it. See, once he starts showing interest, he sends letters back.”
“Well, thank you, teacher.”
“Yeah, buy me some chocolate milk, you bastard, I want to eat it too.”
“Sure, I’ll get three packs.”
“Here, let him know that my friend is rich, does Phii Fah know that my friend is rich and ready to pay for chocolate milk for life, slap him with money, Phii Fah.”
We all burst out laughing because of North’s cheerful words and actions.
No matter when, I always thank Khun North.
I’m glad you guys are here.
As for Phii Fah…you’ll see the great love of mine for sure!
Take care of yourself!
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