SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 10: You’re Your Home
Five meters…
Four meters…
Three…
Two…
One…
Half a meter from me…to someone standing outside, only a wooden door separates us. I reached out to touch the door handle, but I had to lower my hand.
I can’t…
I can’t open this door…
After the day I decided to leave, the same number, the only one that called me the most, kept calling repeatedly. He sent messages several times, asking if something was wrong, what was wrong, why I suddenly left without saying anything.
After that, those messages turned into questions like…where did you go, why aren’t you answering, are you mad at something, can you come see me?
I didn’t open those messages, but I waited to read them from the notifications. Phii Fah didn’t just send messages to me; he also sent them to Fan. Of course, I didn’t open them on Fan’s phone either.
Two days have passed since then.
And now…
“Phoon, come out.”
“…”
“Phoon.”
“…”
“Can we talk? Please come out.”
“…”
“Please?”
The sound of knocking on the door and the familiar voice rang out intermittently. I stood in front of the door, just a step away from Phii Fah, but in reality, we were so far apart.
I can’t open this door…
I can’t…
Phii Fah…I am sorry.
I pressed my lips together tightly, letting the tears flow down again. I don’t know how long it’s been, but my tears won’t stop, not since I stepped out of your room that day.
As if I am the darkness that vanishes when the light of the sun shines, when you open your eyes, all you find is that the darkness has gone…
I haven’t eaten anything except for some snacks left in the room. I haven’t gone out, and I don’t want to. I’ve been in my room day and night with the guilt, the loneliness eating away at me, the despair, along with a heart that’s already shattered…
Because my room is at the very end. Looking out the window, I saw the sky getting darker with clouds.
The sky is about to cry…
Can you not cry today?
Because I’ve cried enough for both of us.
“Won’t you answer?”
“…”
“Do you hate me now?”
I covered my mouth with my hand and cried even harder, collapsing to the floor without strength, biting my lip hard. Not caring about any pain, to hold back my sobs.
No…
No way…
I could never hate you.
Even if I die…
Even if I were to die…
I would still love you…
“You are avoiding me, right?”
“…”
“I don’t know what I did wrong, or if there’s something about me that you don’t like. From the first time I met you here, I decided to take good care of you, to make up for the years we were apart.”
“…”
“Is it because I didn’t take good care of you, Phoon?”
“…”
Phii Fah
Please don’t blame yourself…I beg you…beg you, please blame Phoon instead, Phoon is at fault, Phoon is the one who’s wrong, I beg you…Phii Fah hasn’t done anything wrong, Phoon doesn’t even deserve to be by your side.
I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…
My hands started to tense, I moved to grip my hair, pulling it without realizing.
I deserve the pain. I deserve more pain than this…
Soon, the rain started to fall, muffling the voice of the person on the other side.
Go back.
Phii Fah, please go back.
Please…you shouldn’t be here.
Please…go back, go back to where you belong.
Don’t…waste your time on me anymore.
“Go back.”
“Phoon…”
“How long will you bother me?”
“…”
“You can go back now.”
“…Phoon.”
“Please go back, I don’t want to say anything more.”
“Are you that angry at me? Can you tell me why you’re angry?”
“…”
“Can we talk for a bit…please?”
“I’m annoyed.”
“…”
“Don’t act like you care.”
“…”
“Please leave in front of my door.”
“…Yes, okay.”
“…”
“Okay, I will leave now.”
Before the voice from the other side of the door faded away…it was replaced by the sound of rain, louder than any other sound I was hearing at that moment, including my own quiet sobs.
I don’t even have the strength to cry anymore…
This is for the best.
It’s for the best…
Phii Fah is gone.
Please…don’t get caught in the rain.
“Travel…safely.” One hour…
Two hours…
One day.
One week.
Two weeks…
Time passes without you by my side anymore. Whether the sky is bright or gloomy, the sun still rises and sets the same every day. What I like to do is watch time pass, and everything remains unchanged.
Except…there’s no you.
Returning to a sky that’s out of reach once more.
No, it’s always been a sky out of reach.
I didn’t contact anyone after that day; each day passed with difficulty. I didn’t even want to talk to Uncle. I didn’t speak to Dad either, guessing he must be worried if I followed his orders, so he called many times.
At least, I could go out and eat enough. Even if not for every meal, I could take care of the plants that started to wilt because I hadn’t watered them, and go out to take pictures of the sky like I used to do regularly. Some nights I couldn’t sleep, the nightmare was so cruel, that I would end up crying sometimes.
But it passed…like it always does.
As I said, it’s not good, but it’s not terrible either.
I always try to make sure there’s at least one good thing in my day. Before, I would stop by to feed stray dogs near the school, help support the old lady at the fruit stand, help teachers carry things, small things that made me feel valuable. Just these little things were enough to make me want to keep living.
It’s still like that these days. I buy food for the stray cats around the dorm every day, but I don’t know what else to do. Does planting trees count as a good deed? At least it helps produce oxygen. Maybe I can help someone breathe easier.
Time has helped me feel a bit better. Although not much, I’m not crying myself to sleep like I did for the first three days after Phii Fah left.
I’ve been following the university’s page, and I saw that the medical faculty is currently organizing a volunteer camp. It looks like Phii Fah and his friends are going too.
Being able to watch from a distance like this, seeing that he’s doing well, that’s good enough.
I’ve blocked Phii Fah’s LINE on both my phone and Fan’s. Of course, that was something my dad insisted on, the last thing I had to do.
I walked back into my room after watering the plants, the same song has been playing on loop for almost an hour now. I don’t think it’s a sad song, but it makes me feel more lonely, and I like it. I don’t want to turn it off or change it.
You’re the light, I’m the shadow on the wall when you sleep
Everything that I need is right here with me Come to me…
All that I can say’s already said
I come to you
There is one word that I can’t forget
“Goodbye
Good, goodbye”
Little time, not a moment wasted with you
I realized to stay, we had to break away
My phone rang, I looked at the screen to see it was Aunt Nuan, the housekeeper who’s taken care of me and Fan since we were kids.
“Yes?”
(Phoon, how are you?)
“I’m fine, how are you, Aunt Nuan?”
(I’m fine, how is it there? Since you moved there, we haven’t talked much. Why don’t you call me sometimes?)
“…I’m sorry, I’ve been quite busy.”
(It’s okay, are you getting used to the dorm yet?)
“I’m starting to get used to it.”
(And where do you go to eat? Are there any restaurants around there?)
I talked with Aunt Nuan for a while. The other party asked about my well-being in a way Dad never did, which made me feel unexpectedly happy. I don’t often call Aunt Nuan because I don’t want to disturb her too much, especially since after my house was announced for sale, all the maids and housekeepers were let go. Even though we were close, we’re not family. I didn’t want to bother her.
(Will you come back to the house? I’m currently sorting through household items.)
“I’ll probably come back. When is Dad going to sell the house?”
(He said he wants to sell it as soon as possible.)
“Then Phoon will come back soon since the new semester is starting.”
(That’s good, let me know when you’re coming.)
“Oh…are you going to the house today?”
(Yes.)
“Then I will go today.”
(Right now?)
“Yes.”
(Shall I pick you up at the airport?)
“It’s okay.”
(Let me pick you up, how long before you arrive?)
“Not long, I’ll call again once I’ve booked the ticket.”
(Okay.)
I walked out of the crowded airport and saw Aunt Nuan standing there waiting, a sight that made me smile unintentionally. I walked up to her and hugged her immediately.
“Have you been waiting long?”
“Not too long.”
“Thank you.”
“It’s nothing.”
I followed the other person to an old pickup truck.
“The truck is pretty old, are you okay with it?”
“Yes, I had no problem at all,” I said, giving a slight smile as I climbed into the passenger seat. If possible, I wish my father or mother could be as kind as Aunt Nuan. Once that house is sold, we probably won’t see each other again.
Not only will the house full of my memories disappear, but the people in those memories will vanish too.
“Aunt Nuan, What will you do after the house is sold?” “As for me, I’ll probably go back to live in my hometown. I won’t work anymore, I’m too old for that.” “That’s good, you’ll get to rest.”
“Shall we stop by Fan’s place first?”
“Uh, if it’s not too much trouble, could you please stop by?” I said, and the truck turned into the temple’s parking lot. The two of us bought some flowers and went inside together.
I used to come here a lot before; if I told others that the cemetery was my favorite place, it would sound very strange, but what can I do…since the people I love are here.
“Aunt Nuan.”
“Yes?”
“Do you think it’s possible…that Fan might…still be here?” “…Oh,” my words made the person walking beside me pause slightly, “I…don’t know.”
“…”
“Why do you ask?”
“No reason.”
“…Yes.”
After I placed the flowers in front of the picture, I wanted to stay a bit longer. Aunt Nuan said she would wait in the car, thinking I’d rather be alone with Fan. I sat down without worrying about getting dirty, glancing at the photo of my older sister.
“I’m back.”
I spoke softly with a slight smile.
“Do you miss me? I’m sorry for not bringing flowers every day like before. It must be lonely without anyone to talk to, right?”
“I get lonely there too.”
I often do this, just keep talking as if Fan is sitting there listening, because not many people come around here. For others, it might be scary, but not for me at all.
“Fan, you said you read the letters. I am glad that you read them. Honestly, I don’t know if that’s really you or if it’s just me imagining it.”
“But thank you for being by my side.”
“If that’s really Fan, does it mean you haven’t gone anywhere?” “…Are you still worried about you? Is it because I made it so you can’t go anywhere?”
“Oh, young man. Haven’t seen you in a while.” A greeting with a hoarse voice made me turn around. Uncle Yod is a volunteer who takes care of cleaning the temple; his house is right next to it. I immediately greeted him with a wai.
“Yes. I’ve started university.”
“Oh, right, I forget things sometimes. How’s it going?” “It’s good, still getting used to it,” I smiled because I come here often, so I meet Uncle Yod frequently. He said that since he started cleaning here, he’s never seen anyone visit the cemetery as often as I do, “How about you, Uncle?”
“I’m just getting by. Nothing much,” he said as he sat down on the bench, looking tired. He’s quite old. The reason he still helps at the temple is that after coming back from odd jobs, he didn’t know what else to do, and his wife had left him with their child years ago. The life stories Uncle Yod told me made me realize that sometimes life isn’t beautiful, but you have to keep living.
Uncle Yod finds small joys from helping clean the temple, sweeping leaves, picking up trash, and taking care of the graves of many important people. It might not be much, but it’s enough for some people to keep living.
It’s no different from what I do every day to keep myself going, to wait for another sunrise, then say goodbye to another sunset.
“I have to go now.”
“Hmm. Good luck.”
“Thank you.”
I bowed in farewell, then walked back to Aunt Nuan who was standing by the truck, and we returned home together, to the familiar neighborhood, the roads, the houses, the people, almost nothing has changed, and it still feels heartbreaking every time I think about it.
If this house is sold…I won’t have a home to return to anymore. The marble bench where we used to sit and play, the lawn, the pathways, the front steps, the wooden door, the walls where we used to scribble, the living room where we liked to hang out together, every place in this house is filled with memories. Can’t it just not be sold, this house of ours…
I walked up the stairs and opened the door to Fan’s bedroom. It was heartbreaking to see everything gone, leaving just an empty room. Because the owner of this room is gone…everything in this house has disappeared with her.
“What about Fan’s remaining belongings?”
“You can donate them, the ones that are still usable.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, Fan would be happy to know her things could be useful to others,” I said, managing a slight smile.
“Phoon…”
“Yes?”
“…”
“Actually…” Aunt Nuan came closer to me, lowering her head and
speaking softly, “I don’t know if I should say this.”
“Fan, she knew from the start that you two didn’t share the same mother.”
!!
“…”
“Uh…did Fan know?” I asked in surprise, my heart beginning to beat irregularly, feeling a knot in my stomach.
“Yes. At that time, you, you, were probably asleep. I and Fan overheard the lady and your father arguing.”
“We were both really shocked. I thought Fan would be angry, but she smiled and said…” “Said what?”
“Don’t tell Phoon.”
“…”
I clenched my lips tight to hold back the emotions welling up in my chest. I had once wondered if Fan would still love me the same if she knew I wasn’t their real child, but the truth is, Fan already knew everything, and yet…she still loved me the same.
“And ever since Fan passed away, everything went downhill. I didn’t know what to do, I could only try to take good care of you, Phoon.” “Yes…Aunt Nuan, you have always taken good care of me.” “Phoon, you’re not the one who broke the family. Even Fan never thought that way, so don’t blame yourself.”
“…sniff”
“I’ve been worried all this time. I didn’t know how to comfort you because the only person you’ve always needed is your father. I’m sorry for saying this, but I’ve seen it since you were a child.”
“…Yes, sniff,” I bit my lip hard and let the tears flow down slowly, unable to stop them. “I love you, Phoon.”
“…”
“It might not be the love you’re looking for, but I want you to know there’s someone who loves you.”
“…”
“It’s okay, no matter whose child you are. But I’m the one who changed your diapers, who made your milk, who took you to kindergarten, who taught you how to put on socks, who bandaged your scrapes when you fell, who held your hand to buy sweets.”
“…”
“Please don’t take it the wrong way, but you’re like one of my children.” “…hiccup”
“Don’t just look for people who have turned their backs on you, to the point you forget about this old woman.”
“Aunt…” I hugged the person in front of me tightly and cried out loud without any shame, “Th-thank you, hiccup, thank you.” “I love you Aunt, love you Aunt…thank you for taking care of me all this time, thank you.”
Aunt Nuan hugged me back, and her embrace grew even tighter. Why…why hadn’t I ever thought about it? I was only looking for love from those who never loved me, ignoring everything else. Aunt Nuan comforted me until I stopped crying, raising her hand to wipe away the tears all over my face.
“Thank you, really.”
“It’s alright, dear. I might not be able to help much, but you can talk to me about anything. If there’s anything I can help with, I want to help.”
I smiled, feeling an indescribable warmth in my heart.
“Just Aunt Nuan not abandoning me is enough.” If there’s no rain…flowers won’t bloom.
For this flower that has been amidst the rain all along, It only needs a little light…to gradually bloom.
We took a walk around the house for a while. I spent all my time trying to remember everything that had happened in this house once more, revisiting memories because I didn’t want any part to be lost, since this was where we lived together. As I’ve said before, it might not have been the warmest home, but it was our home.
When I thought everything was in order, and I didn’t want to bother Aunt Nuan anymore, I was about to take my leave, but Aunt Nuan seemed to remember something.
“Oh, right, I have something else to tell you.”
“What is it?”
I followed her to the storage room beside the house, because it holds not-so-good memories for me, and even now, it still does, making me feel uncomfortable being around here.
“No need to go in, just wait a moment, Aunt will get the things for you.” “Okay.”
I watched Aunt Nuan disappear into the storage room and come out with four cardboard boxes in her hands, which she placed in front of me.
“These are things that Grandpa hid away without telling anyone because your father forbade it, but telling you now won’t be a problem.”
“What are they?” I raised my eyebrows in question.
“I don’t know either.”
“Oh…what?”
“But they’ve been sent every year since you were one, every
March.”
“Every year? March?”
“March is your birth month, isn’t it?”
!!
I widened my eyes in shock at what she said. What does it mean that these things were sent to the house every year around my birthday?
“But…there are only four boxes.”
“Yes, many times the lady threw them away. These four boxes, I secretly kept them.” Aunt Nuan said with a face that was beginning to look worried, “But there’s no sender’s name and no return address.”
“…”
“But there is a recipient’s name.”
My hands started to shake, my heart beating so hard it felt like it would burst out; I couldn’t control my trembling. Slowly, I sat down and reached out to grab one of the boxes in front of me.
Could it be…what I’m thinking?
I picked up one of the boxes, turned it over to look for a name, and indeed found there was a recipient’s name written on it.
It said… To…Ren Ren…?
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