SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 1: Typhoon
The advantage of hot weather is the clear sky, which draws me out to go for a walk. Even though the sunlight is so bright it hurts my eyes, this kind of light makes for beautiful photos; plus, there’s nothing to do in my room anyway.
I packed my bag and slung my favorite camera around my neck, ready to wander around and take photos in Chiang Mai city. I’ve only been here for a few days, nearly two months before the semester starts.
I…will be a first-year student at the Faculty of Veterinary Medicine, a place far from home and unfamiliar, living alone without knowing anything. But it’s okay, because I’m used to being alone. It’s not much different from when I was at home, and at least I’m closer now… When I took the entrance exam, I chose the Faculty of Medicine as my first choice, and the Faculty of Veterinary Medicine as my second. Initially, I didn’t think I would pass at all, but when I got into Veterinary Medicine, I hesitated for a while whether to study here first or stop and study at home. But in the end, I decided to study here, for the same old reason…
I don’t want to be at home.
Being here…might be better.
And it’s not just good for me.
I moved into the dorm my dad arranged for me, and he took care of everything. He didn’t complain or ask anything when I told him I wanted to study here.
Of course, the further I am away from home, the better. Dad has his secretary transfer money to me every month. I talk to his secretary more than I talk to him. He works hard, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have free time; he just chooses not to spend that time with me.
After divorcing mom, his life is going well. His one-year-old daughter is adorable, a child to be envied. If there’s a chance to meet her in the future, I would be a good brother to her, looking after her like Fan did for me, but I doubt there will be that opportunity. Living alone far from home isn’t as bad as I thought. The dorm is comfortable, and my dad has been financially supporting me for a long time. The same goes for cameras or photography equipment; he transfers money without ever asking what it’s for. He doesn’t care what I spend it on, as long as it’s not too much and doesn’t bother him often.
I am the hidden character in my dad’s life story. That woman will never know that her new partner once had a son named Typhoon, which is fine…I’m not going to demand anything. I don’t want to look for a place where I belong anymore.
I am Typhoon, a storm, a wind that blows fiercely, destroys everything, and goes unseen.
I watch people walk by at university. On a day like this, during the break, there aren’t many people around. The atmosphere here isn’t bad; it’s quite peaceful and serene. I can’t help but lift my camera to capture it. Indeed, I photograph everything because I love photography so much. It’s the only hobby I have, and if possible, I wouldn’t want it to just be a hobby.
Fan…
Today’s weather is a bit hot, but I think Fan would definitely like it. The sky today is clear, no clouds at all, the sky is very clear. I had another photo for Instagram.
Above the typhoon is the sky.
The reason is because he…is the only sky I have, both now and forever.
It’s the sky of Torfan and Typhoon.
I came here with the intention of meeting him, but in reality, it’s not easy at all. I still don’t know how I’ll find him or what to do after we meet. It’s been four years since we last saw each other; a lot must have changed.
We haven’t been in touch at all these past four years.
Yes…why haven’t we been in touch?
I got lost as expected…
I’m someone who often gets confused with directions, ever since I was a kid, and I can’t remember the way well, I get disoriented, sometimes even getting left and right mixed up. I once tried following my instincts, which only led me further astray, making it harder to get back.
The confusion between left and right started when I was a child; the teacher taught us to remember that the hand we use to write with is the right one, asking everyone to raise their right hands together since most people are right-handed. But I’m left-handed, so I’ve been confused about left and right ever since.
I remember leaving through one of the university gates, but I don’t know which one. I just kept walking straight until I had to leave the university area.
Since I’ve only been here for a few days, I never noticed that the sunset sky here doesn’t look much like the one at home; it might be different on certain days. And I had to stop when I encountered a red light at an intersection.
Can’t cross now, I guess. I have to wait for the traffic on this side to clear.
No, it’s better not to.
Not crossing, then.
I’m quite afraid of lots of cars; it stems from the worst experience of my life, so I try to avoid crossing roads or driving when there’s heavy traffic. I decided to walk back a bit and then flag down a songthaew instead.
“Back to behind the university, please,” I told the driver of the songthaew when he stopped for my wave.
“Uh, not going behind the university, it’s a different route. You have to cross over there to flag down another one.”
“Oh…” I was silent for a moment, looking in the direction the uncle pointed, realizing I’d have to cross to the other lane to get a ride back to behind the university.
But I said I didn’t want to cross the road…
“So, where will you go next, uncle?”
“Take the tourists to the walking street.”
“Oh…the walking street, let’s go,” I said, getting onto the songthaew as soon as I decided it would be better to take a stroll at the walking street since I had nothing else to do.
I sat on the songthaew that was driving on a rather congested road. Around six in the evening, traffic is probably the same everywhere in the world. The city atmosphere was different from what I was used to, like opening up a new world for someone like me who doesn’t go out much. I was surprised to see the sign for the Faculty of Pharmacy here.
What does that mean? Does this faculty separate from the main university, including other health science faculties like dentistry or medicine? It seems like they have their own zone.
When the songthaew passed by the sign for the Faculty of Medicine, my heart fluttered a bit.
I probably won’t meet him yet, it’s still during the break, there’s still time to prepare my heart, my words, myself. Most importantly…I still haven’t decided if I should tell Phii Fah everything.
I got off the songthaew when I saw everyone else getting off. It was almost nine now, the first time I’ve been to a walking street somewhere else. I walked slowly down the path, split into two sides, one for going and one for returning. The goods for sale were somewhat unfamiliar, like elephant keychains or items unique to the North.
“How much is this one?” I asked, pointing at a keychain.
“One hundred fifty baht.” Wow…that’s expensive.
“It’s handmade, so it’s a bit pricey,” the auntie selling it said with a smile. I nodded and bought it right away; it was handmade after all, expensive but worth it.
I walked on, excited by the novelty of the experience. I’m not someone who travels often, especially not to far places like the countryside. Most importantly…this was the first time I’ve gone out alone, which made me realize that getting lost is more troublesome than I thought.
Here we go…I didn’t expect this walking street to have a fork in the road. Once I turned into it…
Okay, where did I turn just now? And if I keep walking straight, will this lead back to the main path? I stood there, confused for a while, before having to walk back the way I came because I couldn’t block other people’s way for too long.
Bad luck, Typhoon, you wanted to enjoy the walking street and now you’re lost. How are you going to get back on such a complicated path? Won’t you be lost until morning?
I stopped because I heard music, walked towards the sound, and found a wide open space where they were holding a performance. Musicians were playing what I guessed were traditional instruments, and about six women in Northern Thai costumes were dancing to the rhythm.
Wow! That’s amazing!
Because I had never seen it before, I felt very excited, quickly raising my camera to take photos almost too late. They were dressed so beautifully, the colors and lights were all stunning. Apart from capturing the performance, I also took photos of the stage decorations, musicians, and the people watching the show.
I moved to a spot where there weren’t many people so I could take better pictures until I panned my camera to someone, and the image I saw through the lens made me freeze immediately. Slowly, I lowered the camera and looked at him with my own eyes.
Phii Fah…
I froze as my brain started to process, my heart began to beat strongly, and my hands started to shake for no apparent reason. It really is Phii Fah…Phii Fah looks different from what I remember, but not far off from what I had imagined. I had already envisioned that Phii Fah would be a very handsome man, but what exceeded my expectations was that he looked even better than I had thought.
Typhoon…is your heart beating too hard?
It seems like Phii Fah isn’t alone, but because there are so many people and some blocking the view, I couldn’t see the other person he was with. They seemed to talk for a while before leaving the performance area.
Are they…leaving already?
What should I do?
My legs moved faster than my brain could command. I just wanted to look at him a bit longer, I intended not to greet him because I wasn’t ready, but is it really okay to follow him like this, Phoon?
Phii Fah is really tall, huh, he must be over 180 cm by now. I raised my camera to capture the person I was secretly following; it was because of this person that I practiced photography, and this action allowed me to see who was with Phii Fah.
A woman…
I only saw her profile because she was turning to talk to Phii Fah, but even from that, I could tell she was very beautiful. Her hair was long, down to her waist.
A girlfriend…?
Phoon…why didn’t I ever think that Phii Fah might have a girlfriend already? Yes, someone like Phii Fah, how could someone like him not have someone?
“Ah!” I exclaimed in surprise when suddenly someone from behind bumped into me.
“Sorry,” the person immediately apologized. I turned to look; he asked with a worried expression, “Are you hurt?”
“Uh…it’s okay,” I quickly responded, as it seemed like there were a lot of people behind me.
“Phoon.”
“…”
“Phoon.”
“…”
I turned to look at the person calling out to me.
“Um…”
The person looked very surprised, staring at me. Phii Fah seemed shocked to see me here, quickly walking towards me. The woman with him looked a bit confused before following.
“Phoon, can I come over to you?”
“Ye…yes.”
“And you came here for fun?”
“Yes.”
“Are you here alone?”
“Uh…yes.”
“That’s strange.”
“Yes?”
“Aren’t you the kid who used to get lost all the time?” Phii Fah asked with a playful smile.
It’s like it was filled in…
Phii Fah is still the same…
I gave a slight smile back to the person in front of me.
“Um…” I turned to look at the person standing beside Phii Fah.
“Oh…this is my neighbor, named Typhoon.” Oh…
I am the neighbor’s little brother.
“Oh…hello, are you in your first year?” She nodded to Phii Fah’s words, then turned to give me a wide, friendly smile.
“Yeah…”
“You don’t have to be so formal, you’re Typhoon, right? My name is
Mona, and I’m going to be a first-year too.”
“Oh…”
“Which faculty are you in?” Mona asked.
“Veterinary Medicine.”
“Oh. I’m in the Faculty of Medicine.”
“Are you going back now, Mona?” Phii Fah asked.
“Yes, my brother is waiting for me.”
“What should we do then?” Phii Fah said thoughtfully, “So, Phoon, can you wait for me here for a bit? I’ll take you out for dinner, have you eaten yet?” I shook my head.
“Alright, then wait here for me, I’ll go drop off Mona first, then I’ll come back for you.” I nodded.
“Bye, see you later,” Mona turned and waved goodbye to me. I gave a small smile and waved back, watching them both walk away.
He told me to wait here…
Because Mona is a girl, it would be dangerous for her to walk back alone.
I can wait here alone too.
I stood waiting between the shops, because if I stood in the walkway, I’d be in other people’s way. My hands were all sweaty. I didn’t know why, but my heart, which was beating strongly, also felt a dull ache.
What am I doing standing here? I don’t even know if Phii Fah will come back.
I glanced up, daydreaming. The evening sky like this doesn’t have stars. There’s nothing but darkness, but it’s not that bad, it’s still beautiful.
I’m secretly happy that Phii Fah hasn’t changed; he’s just as kind to everyone as he used to be because he was raised that way. His uncle and aunt are kind, too. Anyone can tell at first glance that Phii Fah was well brought up in a perfect family.
Perfect…in every way.
Like an untouchable sky.
“Excuse me.”
“Oh, sorry,” I quickly apologized when someone came to buy something and I was in their way. I moved aside immediately, but no matter where I stood, I seemed to be in someone’s way, so I had to squeeze into the walkway again. Once there, I had to walk with the flow of people, getting pushed around until I ended up somewhere I didn’t recognize.
This is bad…Phii Fah told me to wait there. Where am I now…
That day it was raining, like every day during the rainy season, because my province often experiences monsoons. I was a stubborn kid who didn’t want to go home again. No, that’s not it, how should I say it? I was about to go back but got lost because I heard a kitten’s meow and followed the sound.
A small, wet kitten on a rainy day.
“There, there, come here,” I gently scooped it into my arms; it must have been very cold.
“It’s okay now,” I comforted it, even though I was shivering just as much.
The orange kitten looked up at me.
“We can’t stay out in the rain like this; we’ll catch a cold for sure.” I kept running without knowing where I would end up. I often got lost, and Fan always warned me not to go on unfamiliar paths. So, I only knew the way between home and school.
I found a bench with some shelter from the rain. The place didn’t look too safe, but there were no other options. As I sat to rest, the kitten in my arms began to burrow closer to me, seeking warmth. “I am as wet as you, kitten; burrowing won’t make you any warmer.”
“Or are you scared?”
You must be scared. I don’t know where the mother cat went or why she left her kitten alone. It probably wouldn’t dare to wander off alone because there are many dogs around here.
“Don’t be scared.”
“I’m not just saying that to comfort you, someone will come to help.
“Really, there will be a hero to help.
“I can’t take you back, I don’t know the way anymore.”
“Come be a good kid and wait here.”
“Phoon.”
“Phii Fah.”
“You’re so stubborn, aren’t you?”
“…”
“A cat?”
“Yeah, it was all alone, so I stayed with it.”
“Let me guess, you chased after it and got lost, so you ended up here, right?” Phii Fah asked as he sat down beside me, looking slightly out of breath. I looked at the person next to me and felt guilty.
Why do I always rely on Phii Fah?
“Yes, I am sorry, I have made Phii Fah have to go through trouble again.”
“Not at all.”
“What did I say before?”
“If I get lost, just sit and wait, and Phii Fah will find me.” I repeated what Phii Fah had once told me because if I stubbornly tried to find my way back on my own, I would only get more lost. So, Phii Fah and I agreed that he would find me, so I should just be a good kid and wait.
“Yes, you didn’t really want to get lost, did he?”
“No.”
“If you hadn’t helped, this kitten would have been in a lot of trouble, for sure.”
“Yeah, it was shaking a lot.”
“Let me have a look.” Phii Fah said. I slowly handed over the kitten, and he took off his jacket to wrap around the little cat, “Today, this kitten will have to wear this for now.”
I nodded at those words because usually, Phii Fah would bring a jacket when coming to look for me, saying he intended it for me to wear. “Phii Fah.”
“Yes?”
“Can we keep it?”
“Uh…wouldn’t it be better if we found someone else to adopt it?”
“I want to keep it.”
“…”
“It must be as lonely as me, if we’re together, we won’t be lonely.”
“Phoon, you aren’t lonely, you have everyone with you.”
“I don’t see anyone who’s free.”
“Okay then, let’s talk to your dad later.”
“Yay, thank you.”
Phii Fah…is always kind.
“No!”
“Mom, but I want to keep it, please, please, I promise to take the best care of it.” “I said no means no.”
“But…”
“Enough, if you argue like this, we don’t need to talk. Get out, I have work to do.”
“…Yes.”
“Mom didn’t allow it?” Fan was waiting on the ground floor of the house. She turned to look at me as I was coming down the stairs.
“Yeah, she’s really mad.”
“She probably had a bad day at work,” Fan said before turning to look at the kitten wrapped in old rags, where Phii Fah was drying it off.
“Uh.”
No, Mom is always in a bad mood when Phoon talks to her. “What a pity, maybe try asking Dad,” Fan murmured while sitting down to look at the kitten, “It’s so cute, does it have a name yet?”
“Not yet, I haven’t thought of a name for it yet.”
“Exactly, Fah, help think of a name.”
“Hmm,” Phii Fah looked up, slightly raising his eyebrows, surprised by Fan’s words, “I’m not very good at naming things.”
“But why should we name it when it won’t be staying with us?” I said, making a sad face.
“Then Phii Fah will take care of it.”
“Are you serious?” Fan asked with a tone that seemed almost disbelieving, “You’ll really take care of it?”
“Yeah, you can come play with it later.”
“Will your parents allow it?”
“I think so, I’ll try asking,” Phii Fah replied, “So, you can name it since it won’t be going anywhere.”
“…Thank you, Phii Fah.”
I named it ‘Sitong/Gold’, based on its orange, golden color. When Phii Fah moved out, we had to take care of Gold ourselves, with our parents complaining a bit but allowing it, probably seeing that we were responsible enough to take care of it.
But now, Gold…is no longer with us.
It died just a few months ago.
I can’t keep anything alive.
“Phoon.”
“…”
I turned back towards the voice calling me again while I was casually looking at the items for sale.
Found me again…
“Yes.”
“Why weren’t you at the same spot?”
“Uh…I was pushed by the crowd.” The person in front of me looked a bit surprised by my answer, but I think he must have thought of me as the childlike Phoon from back then. Maybe I can’t be that person anymore.
“Okay, then let’s go eat.”
“Uh…yes.”
I followed Phii Fah. I didn’t dare say much because I was nervous and didn’t know what to do. I’m not good at talking, so I didn’t know how to start a conversation.
“Do you want anything specific to eat?”
“No. Nothing special.”
“Then is this place okay?”
“Yes.”
We went into the roadside restaurant Phii Fah chose, which seemed like it wasn’t just open on walking street market days. After ordering our food, while waiting, the atmosphere was awkward…for me at least.
“How did you decide to study so far away?” Phii Fah started asking. It’s normal for people who haven’t seen each other in a while to catch up.
“Uh…I just wanted to try, I guess.”
“You’re studying veterinary medicine?”
“Yes.”
“That’s strange, I thought you weren’t very into this field.” “No…not really, I actually like it.” I answered, looking down, reaching for a glass of water, “What about you, Phii Fah? You’re studying medicine, right?” I asked back, even though I already knew the answer.
“Yes, and you came here alone? Do you have friends studying here too?”
“No, I came alone.”
“Really? That’s impressive.”
“How are you doing?”
“I’m doing well, how about you, Phoon?”
“Just…so-so,” I let out a secret sigh to calm my excitement. Why am
I so tense? “Earlier…was that your girlfriend?” “Oh, Mona? No, not at all. She’s just a junior I know.” Just a junior…
“Oh, I see.”
I am just a junior too.
Phii Fah is like this, kind to everyone equally, good to everyone. I’ve seen people fall into the trap of that kindness, thinking they’re special, but in the end, they’re no different from anyone else.
Phii Fah doesn’t think anything…
That kindness…is the cruelest kind.
That’s why I say it’s like the sky that seems close but can’t be touched, can’t be possessed. “How are uncle and aunt doing?”
“Oh, Dad is doing well,” I answered truthfully, turning to thank the waiter who brought the food, “But I don’t know about Mom…how she’s doing.” “Why is that?”
“Mom and Dad got divorced, and Mom just disappeared.”
“…I’m sorry to hear that.” “Ah…it’s okay.”
“And how is Fan doing?”
“Fan…”
…
How much pressure can one child take from their family? I believe I’ve been one who has endured constantly, enduring, obeying, doing everything asked, trying and trying even more.
But no matter how much, it’s never enough.
It’s never enough…
“Can’t you just settle down for once!”
“Phoon…”
I looked at the face full of concern, fear, and sadness; Fan was crying, watching me from the front gate. I, having lost patience with everything, accidentally yelled at her.
Yelled at Fan…for the first time.
“Don’t call me, it’s annoying.”
“Phoon…don’t go.”
“Let’s go.” I got into the car and told the friend who was driving before the motorcycle moved away from the front of the house.
Yes…
My patience had run out.
It turned into defiance.
Throughout my childhood, carrying all that weight, there came a point when I couldn’t bear it anymore. In high school, I began to feel it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t just at all. Why me? Why did I have to go through all that? Why? I had tried my hardest, why was I never acknowledged? If they didn’t love me, why did they even have me?
Everything…was because of Fan.
Yeah…then they don’t need me.
Looking back now…I became a troubled child; who could I blame? Because I needed acceptance, praise, attention, and there was none of that at home, but there was among friends.
Where would there be more happiness?
Under I was a lost child…lost far from the right path.
“Phoon, you’re not going home again tonight?” One of my friends asked while we were at his condo, which had become our usual hangout spot.
“Yeah.”
“Why? Did you fight?”
“Yeah, it’s annoying.”
“Who was that person? When I picked you up earlier.”
“My sister.”
“She’s hot. Does she have a boyfriend?”
“No way, this one’s off-limits,” I said while picking up the glass of liquor from the table, raising it to my lips and letting the bitter taste flow down my throat, “Terk.”
“Ha.”
“Give me a smoke.”
“Here,” he said, handing me a cigarette. I put it in my mouth and lit it. At first, I didn’t like it, but after smoking several times, I got hooked, especially since all my friends smoke. How could I not? At least, alcohol, cigarettes, these things help me forget some of the pain.
“How many days has it been since you last slept at home, Phoon?
You’re always at the condo, man.”
“Why? Can’t I sleep here?”
“Of course, you can.”
“Can I skip school? I feel lazy,” another friend asked. My group could be described as delinquents, attending school sporadically, something I had never done before.
Skipping school like it’s nothing.
Yeah…why bother studying hard when no matter how hard I try, I never get any praise, and if I get even slightly lower grades, I get scolded?
Might as well not go to school at all.
“I’m not going,” I said.
“Phoon, you’re going to fail.”
“Screw it.”
“Damn, you’re the best, that’s how it should be, I’m not going either.”
I glanced at my phone vibrating with an incoming call from Fan, sighed in mild irritation before walking out to the balcony and answering it.
(Phoon, where are you? Come home.)
“I already told you not to call.”
(Can’t we talk properly?)
“I don’t want to talk. There’s nothing to talk about anymore, it’s annoying, just stop bothering me.”
(Phoon…)
And then I hung up, lighting another cigarette to calm myself down. Since when did I start feeling…hatred towards Fan? It wasn’t Fan’s fault, deep down I knew that, but at that time, I couldn’t handle myself well. Because my parents only loved Fan, cared for Fan, Fan was perfect in every way.
When comparison arose, it made me feel so inferior, and the only way to not feel worthless was to build a wall to protect myself. Fan probably understood where all this came from. Even when I was acting so recklessly, my parents didn’t care. When teachers called for parents, no one came; it was Fan who talked to the teachers instead. Fan was an excellent student, well-behaved, the favorite of all the teachers at school, so they tried to overlook my faults at Fan’s request.
Fan was the only one who called to bring me back home.
But there’s no need for that anymore…that house wasn’t mine. I spent almost a month living that reckless life until I thought I was beyond redemption. Sometimes, feelings of guilt flashed through my mind, but when I thought about facing that again, I’d rather not. Every time I went back home to change clothes, Fan and I would argue. She’d ask me not to leave, but I wouldn’t listen, starting to shout, yell, using harsh words I shouldn’t have said. I don’t know how much Fan must have been hurt…
And what was infuriating was…I didn’t care about anything back then.
“Terk, that bastard is looking at your girl,” said one of my friends who was drinking with us. Tonight, we were at a bar celebrating one friend’s birthday.
“Where?”
“Damn, that’s the one, the orange shirt.”
“He’s been staring for a while.”
“As far as I can see, quite a while.”
“Should we mess with him?”
“Sure, he looks like he’s from that school too.”
“Hey, we gotta do it.”
Then my group of friends got up to pick a fight with the rival school, something I didn’t really like much – fighting. You could call me a coward, but I’ve always hated using force.
“Phoon, are you coming?”
“You guys go ahead.”
“Are you scared?”
“You guys go on ahead,” I answered evasively. Some friends who didn’t go were their girlfriends. I sat with the girls, seeing that my friends had started the trouble, then they began a small scuffle, which normally wouldn’t be much, at most two or three people would fight, but I didn’t expect the other side to bring more people, turning the whole place into chaos.
“Scream!!” The girls screamed when a bottle was thrown their way, forcing the shop staff to intervene, and they got caught in the crossfire. Eventually, the manager had to ask other customers to leave for safety.
“Hey, you, trying to run?” Huh?
Me?
“Wait…just a second,” I was startled when suddenly my shirt collar was grabbed, and a heavy punch landed on my face, turning my head with the force of it.
That…hurts.
“You’re friends with those assholes, right? Time to teach you not to get involved.”
I haven’t even gotten involved yet…
“Again!” I gritted my teeth as I took another punch; damn it, that hurt like hell. This is why I hate fighting. Before I could say more, the staff intervened to stop the person picking a fight with me. I took the opportunity to slip away to another spot.
I quickly pulled out my phone when it rang, only to see it was Fan calling again.
I immediately hung up.
And then Fan called again. I had no choice but to answer.
“Phoon, are you at a bar?”
“How did you know?”
“A friend of mine said they saw you, were you attacked too?”
“Not at all.”
“I’m coming to get you.”
“Now?”
“Yes, I’m coming to take you home right now. Do you want Fan to go crazy? I’m not listening to Phoon anymore. Don’t argue, don’t go anywhere, stay right there, I’ll be there in ten minutes.” And then Fan hung up without waiting for my response. I tried calling back, but she didn’t answer.
Is she crazy!
It’s late now.
It’s dangerous, and Fan’s voice sounded so urgent, I bet she’ll rush over here.
No way…it’s too dangerous at this hour.
I was so anxious I couldn’t sit still, but I didn’t dare call again, thinking she must be driving. Almost thirty minutes passed, and the situation in the bar calmed down, but Fan still hadn’t arrived.
I waited at the same spot.
But Fan didn’t come.
I felt an indescribable relief when I saw Fan’s number calling, but when the voice on the other end wasn’t the familiar one, and his words made my heart sink.
“Sorry, are you related to the deceased? We found this number as the last call on her phone.”
“…”
“You…”
“…”
“You!”
“Because of you!” A shrill voice screamed, pushing me against the wall, her small hand slapping my face repeatedly until blood trickled from the corner of my mouth. “You, that’s enough, you…”
“You damn kid, you ghost child, you harmed my child, my child died because of you!”
I looked up at the woman who was so angry she was almost mad.
Mom…
“…I’m sorry,” I said softly, bowing my head, letting the tears flow even as blood was still coming from my mouth. The pain from the earlier beating was gone. I felt no pain at all.
My whole body was numb.
“Sorry…” Sorry…
Fan…I am sorry, I am sorry…
I am sorry… I…sorry.
Fan’s body was sent to the hospital for examination, it was found she was hit by a car driven by someone drunk, who didn’t even know he was drunk, and he was punished according to the law. After that, her body was brought back home.
The funeral was simple.
Apart from the local villagers, few knew about this; no one wanted to be the talk of the town that the daughter had sneaked out with the car at night alone to pick up her son from a bar, only to be killed by a car. Including Phii Fah’s family, who were unaware because they were benefactors to my father, so Dad didn’t let Uncle know.
Otherwise, we wouldn’t have the face to meet him.
I sat in front of the coffin set up in the house. I didn’t want to go outside to greet guests. I didn’t want to be looked at like that.
Certainly, I hated the things people were saying.
“If you hadn’t acted like that, your sister wouldn’t have died.”
“Indeed, whatever it is, even his parents didn’t want him. Only Torfan took care of him. What do you do now that things have turned out like this?”
“That’s what happens when no one loves him, that kid.” “Think about it, where would a good person go to a bar at such a late hour, and on that night, he even got into a fight.”
“Torfan was really something, caring so much, I don’t know why. If it were me, I wouldn’t have gone out to look for him.”
“Hmm, so she got hit by a car. If she had just stayed home, this wouldn’t have happened. It’s such a pity, she was a good student too, supposed to be the future of her parents, Torfan, I mean.” Late at night. I haven’t been able to sleep since the day Fan died, spending the whole night in her room, my tears flowing without knowing when they would stop, and no matter how many tears I shed, it didn’t lessen the grief at all.
I finally understood what it feels like to be too weak even to stand up…
My whole body was exhausted. I didn’t even have the strength to move, but the tears wouldn’t stop.
That’s dad’s voice…
I heard my parents, sounding like they were arguing downstairs.
Not wanting them to fight, I tried to drag myself down to intervene.
“Enough! I’m sick of men like you!”
“Why, what’s wrong with men like me?”
“You’re indiscriminate; even after getting married, you got another woman pregnant, how could you!”
“We’ve talked about this already, why bring it up again?” “Why? Can’t I speak the truth? Are you afraid others will know, afraid of becoming the talk of the town, huh? Rit, the respectable man in society, are you ashamed that people will find out you’re just a womanizer?”
“Quiet! Now’s not the time for this.”
“Why? I will speak, especially since that bastard child of yours caused my child’s death!”
“…”
“I’ve managed to raise him for over ten years, which is good enough. Every time I look at him, I can’t forget how low you are. He always reminds me of why our family is broken like this.” “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t mean to get her pregnant.”
“And yet, she got pregnant. In the end, it caused my child’s death.”
“Fan was my child too, you know.”
“And why did it have to be Fan? Why didn’t your kid die instead, huh?! Why did it have to be Fan? Why, my child, why…Fan, my daughter.”
And then Mom started to collapse, crying on the floor, with Dad not knowing what to do either.
Just like me.
It was as if the world was crumbling down and shattering into pieces.
Yes, Fan…why wasn’t it me instead?
“Phoon.”
“…”
“Phoon.”
“Ah, yes?”
“Lost in thought?”
“Uh…no, not at all.”
“Want to eat first? It’s getting late.”
“Yes.” I quickly shoveled rice into my mouth, wiping away the tears that were welling up in my eyes. I absolutely couldn’t cry here…
“Uh…and then?”
“Yes?”
“The question I asked earlier, you haven’t answered yet.”
“…”
“How is Fan doing?”
“Fan…”
“She’s fine.”
“Please drive carefully.”
“Yes, see you.”
“Yes.”
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