SMNTCERR, Special Chapter 3: Exception #3.
Jaeyoung was stunned and speechless, gazing at the other party in astonishment as Sangwoo was busy with the show, staring at various points that caught his attention, such as the refrigerator, the wall-mounted shelf, the large door, and more.
Rules, rules, rules. Jaeyoung knew well that Sangwoo was someone who had to create rules and follow them in order to feel at ease. Even his personal preferences were similar. Therefore, he had been continuously trying for three months to adjust himself to the other party’s thirty-three rules. Sangwoo had to reluctantly admit the effort, but he could still endure it. However, the fact that he had to make such small adjustments just because he didn’t like himself was too much to bear.
“Hey, Chu Sangwoo.”
Jaeyoung’s tone was cold. Sangwoo, who was putting up papers on the wall, turned around slightly surprised.
“You started dating me without knowing what kind of person I am.”
Sangwoo looked at Jaeyoung and then turned back to finish putting up the papers on the wall before sitting on the opposite side of the dining table with a stern expression.
“I know that, and I don’t like it. How would you like me to fix it?”
“Why do I have to fix it? Can’t you be the one to fix it?”
“The root cause of the problem is that you don’t use grammar properly.
How can I be the one to fix it?”
“It’s not that important. You can just overlook it after reading it, right?”
Both parties started talking faster, and Sangwoo’s once calm face began to show signs of annoyance without him realizing it. Jaeyoung just kept looking at the ceiling for a moment before hugging his chest and making eye contact.
“I’ll say one thing clearly. We need to maintain grammar for effective communication. Do you agree?”
“I disagree. Text messages are not a thesis. I think it’s enough to convey the meaning. Besides, it’s not something you go back and read again.”
“I backup everything indefinitely to keep it for the long term.”
“… If I destroy your hard disk, will the problem be solved?”
“It’s useless, because I can retrieve a copy from the cloud [1].”
“…”
Jaeyoung looked at his watch, regretting the wasted dinner time. This was the time when he should have been able to look into Sangwoo’s eyes, talk, and exchange feelings through eye contact. But Jaeyoung thought he couldn’t do that now. Everything that the other party has asked for until now has made everything worse. And he can’t fix everything just because of the word “love.”
“I, myself, am trying and making efforts in every possible way to be a good enough man for you. Isn’t that enough?”
“Trying?”
Sangwoo’s expression did not understand even a little bit, and in that instant, Jaeyoung’s feelings collapsed completely.
“What are you trying to do… No. It’s beyond that. Why should it be such a big deal? Just paying a little attention should be enough.”
“I don’t want to do that.”
“It’s a waste of time. Just five seconds, that’s all, and you can’t give me that?”
“Then why do I have to adjust everything to suit your likes?”
“Ah… really annoyed.”
At first, it was just a small complaint about not leaving spaces, but now it has become a big problem because of other hidden issues.
“Just do whatever you want! Saying that you love me is just words. Did I say something wrong?”
“What are you talking about? I have sacrificed so much to adjust myself for you. If everything has to be adjusted to your liking, then I should just be with a robot like yourself. Why should you be with someone like me?”
“How can you say things like that?”
“Don’t do this in the morning, don’t do this on a regular day. Don’t do this in the bathroom.”
Sangwoo was about to argue back, but Jaeyoung quickly continued speaking.
“I’m not that kind of person! Sometimes when I’m drunk, I just want to sleep without taking a shower. If it’s interesting, I want to take my holiday to travel around on a regular day. I want to love you passionately wherever and whenever I want. I want to read a book anywhere other than a desk. I want to sleep anywhere other than a bedroom. I want to eat and leave my dishes without washing them and throw them away like that. I want to leave a messy room for a few days without cleaning it up. But you don’t let me do anything. I feel like I have become a part of your perfect program.”
“What are you saying? You leave dishes every day and never clean the room when you should.”
“Look, you only see my flaws. Do you really love me?”
Jaeyoung clenched his fists and looked down at the floor. Meanwhile, his increasing sadness gradually turned into layers of dust like a strange creature. Jaeyoung realized that during the three months living with Sangwoo, he had both happiness and discomfort.
“Don’t I love you? Have I done something to make you think like that?” Jaeyoung couldn’t say anything. Sangwoo was a genuinely loving and cute person, except during study time. The other side also used Jaeyoung’s time to participate in Jaeyoung’s hobbies, willingly watching even movies that didn’t suit their taste with full dedication, and being passionately intimate in bed like fireworks.
However, Sangwoo was too meticulous. He had excessive reasoning and strictness for a lover. Checking the time before going to bed, always keeping track of time, and after making love, immediately starting with cleaning up. Even after the most passionate lovemaking, he would meticulously shower and put the wet clothes and sheets in the laundry basket.
If asked what flaws his partner had in being meticulous and perfectionist, he had nothing to say. Jaeyoung felt sad about the truth that the other side was too perfect, but at the same time, he felt frustrated to complain about it with that excuse.
‘Seems like a fool, huh.’
There was a small dissatisfaction and repeated conflicts. And then, goodbye. Jaeyoung remembered the statistics of past relationships that usually ended within one to two months. In previous relationships, Jaeyoung didn’t try anything, didn’t care about what the other party wanted, and if it didn’t work out, he would break up. But in this relationship, even though he tried every possible way with the intention of not making it end like that, conflicts still arose. This time, the one who needed to ask for something was not the opposite party, but himself. Jaeyoung didn’t know what he should do at a time like this, which made his heart endlessly chaotic.
‘No, I can’t just break up like that.’
This relationship was serious and meant a lot to Jaeyoung. It wouldn’t be long before they would celebrate one hundred days together. “He is preparing for the ‘Event 100 Days’, the first time in his life, which is like a tradition celebrating one hundred days that was rare during a time when there were frequent wars because it was difficult for a baby to survive for three months.” Next month is Sangwoo’s birthday. “He already ordered birthday presents and kept them at the company.” They had never tried skiing together. “He already prepared goggles, ski suits, and a snowboard for Sangwoo.” But he, who was afraid of being left behind, was overly worried.
“Why don’t you answer? Did I do something wrong?”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, everything is my fault.”
At a point where they should try to resolve conflicts, his way of speaking sounded challenging. If he could adjust everything to fit Sangwoo. If he could do everything that the other party desired. If he could be a more complete person than this. If he didn’t have such an easily irritated personality, would they still have conflicts?
“I don’t want to impose on you, I’ll go outside for a while.”
“Don’t go, please.”
“I’ll calm down a bit and then come back.”
“I said don’t go.”
Jaeyoung got up without caring, thinking that arguing with Sangwoo in this situation would only lead to more fights. He put on a jacket for exercising that hung on a hanger and walked towards the front door. Sangwoo sat quietly in front of the table eating. Meanwhile, Jaeyoung put on shoes before grabbing the doorknob.
“Sometimes I might not be able to see you.”
“…”
“But don’t say that I didn’t try enough. I quit smoking because of you.” With that said, he walked out.
***.
‘What did we do wrong?’
Sangwoo tried to think carefully, but couldn’t come up with an answer. Usually, it takes 5-30 seconds to type a message, depending on how fast you type and how many spaces you tap. Each word doesn’t increase the typing time by that much. But Jaeyoung seemed to interpret Sangwoo’s request as disrespectful and excessive.
‘I just don’t understand.’
Sangwoo looked out the window and called Jaeyoung. The call was cut off midway, and a message came in instead.
– [♥Jang Jaeyoung♥:. Will be back in a moment _20:06.]
[Will be back in a moment/ /be back in a moment/ / _20:07][2.]
‘Oops.’
After sending the amended message, Sangwoo realized his mistake. This action clearly provoked an argument, but he couldn’t take back the message he had sent. Sangwoo anxiously waited for a reply, feeling as if he could see Jaeyoung’s disappointed face on the screen.
[♥Jang Jaeyoung♥: It’s quite entertaining _20:11.]
“…”
Just as he had thought. The other side was intentionally making mistakes, clearly trying to pick a fight with him. Sangwoo fought back, thinking he couldn’t surrender. Then a message, even more difficult to read than before, arrived.
[♥Jang Jaeyoung♥: H-EY _20:13.]
[♥Jang Jaeyoung♥: N-1orrP-Yook, SongjangOf? _20:14][3.]
As soon as he saw the message, Sangwoo felt a sharp pain in his temples. This was the first time he had read a text and felt such intense frustration. Sangwoo tried his best not to focus on the emotive words and abandoned the thought of fixing and tapping an offensive response.
[I understand now _20:14.]
– [♥Jang Jaeyoung♥:. I / /understand/ /now/ / _20:15.]
– [♥Jang Jaeyoung♥: Why don’t you reply, yadaa _20:16.]
‘What is that?’
[Ignore. _20:16.]
– [♥Jang Jaeyoung♥: Ignore _20:17.]
– [♥Jang Jaeyoung♥: ㅁ@ri 음데 g#로ㅎ*wr ㅅ Hr 요 qqqq^ㅡ&
_20:18][4.]
‘Are you really crazy?’
If his fingers were not disabled, there would be no way to type such a long letter. Sangwoo tried to respond calmly, but the continuous incoming messages made him lose his focus.
[♥Jang Jaeyoung♥: 뿛쭋뚮뚢ㄹ꿁ㄹㄹㄹㄹ _20:20][5.]
[♥Jang Jaeyoung♥: my, ne”m, ei, sJang Jae.young _20:20.]
[♥Jang Jaeyoung♥: abcdefghiJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJwJJJ ㅈ JJJJJ _20:20.]
[♥Jang Jaeyoung♥: Why can’t it be fixed? _20:21.]
[♥Jang Jaeyoung♥: Is it really ignored??? _20:23.]
Sangwoo hesitated as he didn’t know what to answer. At that moment, he saw a white box-shaped car moving away from the parking spot. Sangwoo leaned his face against the window and looked, but the car disappeared from his sight in an instant. He then returned to sit at the table to eat with a feeling of despair.
Sangwoo himself didn’t want to control someone as free-spirited as Jaeyoung. He was worried that the other party would feel confined and would try to avoid conflicts in their daily lives as much as possible. The rules were minimal, like leaving small problems outside without discussing them, or dealing with things like taking off socks and leaving them scattered without mentioning it repeatedly and finding a way to handle it himself. Even though they both had their own rooms, Jaeyoung still slept with Sangwoo every day, but he never considered it a problem at all, to the point that he made the other party escape outside.
‘Is it my fault?’
Sangwoo began to wonder who was really suffering. Jaeyoung always had a smile on his face, so he assumed the other party was happy. However, it seemed that the inner sadness was not just about two incidents. ‘I want to love you passionately anywhere, anytime.’
In the first month of dating Jaeyoung, Sangwoo was in a state of entropy
[5]. Sangwoo was on a school break, so he didn’t experience much impact, but Jaeyoung only slept for two hours, or went to work early in the morning. Even though Jaeyoung ate a lot, he lost three kilograms of weight that month. It was a period of extreme fatigue. There were instances like getting injured because he tried a move from a martial arts textbook and ended up exerting too much force, breaking the bathroom wall and having to repair it, having to buy a new dining table because the legs broke, and buying a new sofa because it was damaged. Despite all that, he was grateful for the limited time and space that allowed him to remain human up to this point.
‘Look, you only see my flaws.’
That was a serious misunderstanding. Sangwoo lost his sense of balance completely. Now he couldn’t remember what Jaeyoung’s flaws were, or if he even had any. Just seeing the other person made him feel content. He never found a time to think about flaws, he never did. When he heard words like that, it hurt his heart.
“…It’s frustrating, huh.”
________________________________________.
[1] Cloud computing – a tool for storing, processing, and managing data over the Internet in exchange for a fee, or it can be an online drive.
[2] [In a while/, I’ll go back in././,_ 20:07] Actually, this sentence is not a problem in Thai, but just to give readers an image that in Korean, Jang
Jaeyoung typed it wrong without spacing according to the Korean typing rules and didn’t end the sentence with a punctuation mark, “..” and therefore, I would like to keep the typing format in Korean.
[3] [♥Jang Jaeyoung♥: น1อr1ป ㄴ人 ยคเุ , ซจงอ่F¿,_20:14] Are you a person from the era of King Sejong?
[4] [♥Jang Jaeyoung♥:
ㅁ@ri 음데 g#로ㅎ*wr ㅅ Hr 요 qqqq^ㅡ&,_
20:18] You can interpret it as 마음대로, 하세요, “Come as you please.”
[5] [♥Jang Jaeyoung♥: Blurred _20:20] It is a meaningless and random text.
[6] Entropy is a measure of the disorder of a system. The higher the disorder of the system, the higher the entropy value, but if the system has less disorder, the entropy value will be lower.
Leave a Reply