SMNTCERR, Chapter 93: #11.
After crossing the sea barrier, there was a long sandy beach covered in darkness during the evening. On the beach, there were dark waves that came and went, and the dark sky was filled with unseen stars, unlike in Seoul. There were no convenience stores around, only a few small gas pumps and rundown hotels.
There was a sound of a car door opening from behind, followed by the sound of footsteps coming closer. There was nowhere to escape now… Sangwoo stood still, feeling a genuine sense of fear, but Jaeyoung walked past him. The other person walked naturally with his hands in his pockets, as if he was just wandering around.
Jaeyoung walked on the sandy beach where the sea grass grew quietly, until he reached a point where the waves washed in before receding back. He picked up a stone from the ground and threw it far into the sea. Then he stood still, looking up at the silent sky.
Sangwoo stood still, not moving, watching the other person. The stars that
Sangwoo liked the most in the world shone brighter amidst the darkness without streetlights.
Jaeyoung continued to walk on the beach before kneeling on the sand. Then he flicked a lighter and moved it to the end of the cigarette held between his fingers. The strong wind blew, causing Jaeyoung’s jacket to flutter, and also blowing into Sangwoo’s black t-shirt. Sangwoo felt cold and coughed twice.
When he lifted his gaze again, he found that Jaeyoung was looking back at him, but it was too dark to see the other person’s face clearly. The feeling of wanting to see Jaeyoung, the desire to capture the other person’s face in his memory, came rushing in. So Sangwoo took a step back.
As he stepped onto the sturdy and descending stairs, his sneakers sank into the dry sand. He took a few steps closer to the red back panel, and when he saw him, he felt the urge to hug him from behind. But Sangwoo chose to sit one meter away from the other person and meditated, looking at the radiating light along the horizon. At that moment, something brushed against his knee, it was Jaeyoung’s coat.
“Put it on.”
Jaeyoung, who was now left with only a white T-shirt, puffed cigarette smoke into the sky and smirked. Sangwoo threw the red jacket back to the other side, but it came back again within five seconds. They had done this three times before Jaeyoung muttered nonchalantly.
“Do you mean for me to wear it?”
“No.”
Sangwoo slid his arm into the sleeve of the shirt before the other side could react. Jaeyoung glanced at him briefly before saying. “Just take the shirt. It’s the same whether it’s red or white.” Sangwoo did not respond.
Suddenly, the sound of solids hitting liquids and the loud alarm of the ship replaced the silence. Sangwoo felt a sense of emptiness. Even though Jaeyoung was sitting beside him, he felt unfamiliar, like someone who had gone far away.
He was afraid of everything, from the waves that crashed in front of him and receded, to the sea that he couldn’t know what was inside, to the darkness that made his senses confused.
“It’s great, I wanted to travel with you. And now there’s a chance to travel like this.”
Although they were in the same situation, they thought differently, as if every factor that triggered Sangwoo’s anxiety became romantic and beautiful for Jaeyoung. Sangwoo smiled slightly, thinking that such a positive outlook on the world suited the other person. When he turned to look straight ahead again, the scenery had changed slightly.
Unsettled waves crashed in and receded, a deep sea abyss that one couldn’t know what was inside, a wondrous darkness that made his senses confused.
Sangwoo was overwhelmed by Jaeyoung.
His heart beat fast and reminded him of that truth, the trembling and anxiety, the happiness and despair, the joy and sadness, and the multitude of emotions that couldn’t go along together were mixed within his heart. Before this moment, Sangwoo had no idea that our emotions could be so complex.
“May I have a cigarette, please?”
Those words escaped according to emotions. Sangwoo used to think that people relying on alcohol or cigarettes were signs of weakness, now he seems to know why people crave for such things.
“It’s not good for the body.”
Of course, Sangwoo laughed mockingly when he heard that answer. He himself smokes every day, but when he asked for a puff in return, he seemed surprised.
“Give it to me.”
Jaeyoung took a cigarette out of his pants pocket and lit it before handing it to Sangwoo. Sangwoo took the cigarette and looked at it for a moment before putting it in his mouth unnaturally.
He took a cautious breath, but didn’t feel any noticeable effect as smoke came out of his mouth. But if that’s all, he couldn’t understand why people get addicted to it. Jaeyoung noticed Sangwoo’s expression and suggested.
“You have to take a deep drag.”
Sangwoo took a deep breath through his nose as instructed before coughing because of the sharp sensation, then he kept coughing uncontrollably. He heard Jaeyoung laugh softly as tears almost streamed down. Sangwoo calmed down and looked at the cigarette that had been reduced from smoking.
“I’m not addicted at all. It’s just not good for anything.”
“If a college kid heard you, they’d cry.”
Sangwoo didn’t respond, he looked around for a trash can to throw away the cigarette. As soon as Sangwoo was about to stand up, Jaeyoung extended his hand.
“Give it to me, I’ll dispose of it myself.”
He could only stare at that big hand. So the other side added.
“I have a hobby of collecting cigarette butts.”
“Liar, you’re just making excuses.”
That hand moved closer and grabbed the cigarette in Sangwoo’s hand.
Jaeyoung looked intently at Sangwoo as he put the cigarette between his lips.
Then he smiled with his eyes.
“Kissing indirectly, my heart is pounding.”
Sangwoo forgot even the sadness and laughter he had given with those meaningless words. Jaeyoung flicked the cigarette on the sand before letting the silence take over.
Sangwoo wrote down various words before erasing them. He had so much to say to Jaeyoung, but he couldn’t randomly blurt out four or five words. While sitting there with conflicting feelings in his heart, the sound of a horn blared three times, and the waves crashed twenty-five times. As the gray clouds hung over the moon, causing the world to darken even more, he spoke up, softly.
“Hyung, you’re strange, unpredictable. You don’t care about time. You don’t know how to control your thoughts, and sometimes, you can be terrifying when angry.”
“…”
“Even though I know all that, I still like you.”
As soon as he blurted it out, his strangely relieved heart relaxed. Jaeyoung didn’t say anything and just sat silently, gazing at the sea. There was no reaction whatsoever. Sangwoo stared at the waves, feeling like he could manage his feelings after saying everything. If he explained the situation in detail, Jaeyoung would understand. Once he made his decision, he felt a surge of courage.
“I don’t like just anyone like you do. And if I do like someone once, I won’t hate them either, even though I’ve never felt that way about a human before.”
If he thought about the future, it would only be filled with speculation. But, at present, Sangwoo didn’t feel bad because Jaeyoung was sitting next to him, despite the fact that his heart was pounding as if there was a dangerous situation approaching, along with the heat radiating from his skin and the sweat oozing from his hands, all signs of a single action.
“At first, I thought you were defective… an error.”
“…What?”
“Even though I didn’t like it that much, now I don’t dislike it anymore. Both you and my own self who likes you.”
It was strange that, at this moment, he didn’t care about the truth that liking a man was a waste of time, and the truth that the other party would leave soon, because even if he said there were no black sheep, it didn’t make them disappear, Sangwoo’s heart was pounding with a brave feeling.
He did not understand the emotions he had experienced for the first time for a long time, until he realized its existence. He tried to deny it, but now he knows its identity well… Sangwoo did not overlook and did not despise the strange creature that had grown so much that it could control him again.
“I am very tired. But this is not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault that I like you… It’s just a little wrong.”
He spoke with a trembling voice. As soon as he met Jaeyoung, he felt a hundred emotions, both insecure and ineffective. At the same time, after the joy came the inevitable shadows of sadness and pain, but even so, right now, Sangwoo was not sorry at all, his happiness expanded greatly, radiantly bright, causing his decision-making ability to become blind, and his chest filled with overwhelming emotions, so he did not hesitate to pay any compensation.
“What is called love… was it always like this?”
Jaeyoung, who sat still without flinching, lowered his gaze. Sangwoo then took a deep breath and asked.
“Are you laughing at me?”
“No, quite the opposite. I just remembered the three-line verse that you composed.”
“That kind of thing, I can’t remember.”
“S… Suddenly it started to rain. I… It’s terrible to meet like this. Yo… It would be better not to show up again. How did you forget about this masterpiece?”
Jaeyoung recited that beautiful and elegant verse, with a dignified posture as if it were an excellent poem. Sangwoo couldn’t help but laugh. Although he felt like the sincere visual words he had spoken had been swallowed up by the swirling waves, he still felt good now.
“Back then, you gave me a low score. How is it now?”
“Hmm…”
Jaeyoung tapped his chin with his finger and frowned as if he was thinking deeply, while the concentrated gaze of the other party was on Sangwoo’s face.
“10 out of 10, wholeheartedly. Give it a 10.”
When he saw his mischievous face, he felt as if he was traveling back in time to when he was walking to the library. Sangwoo waited for the next sentence with a mix of longing and sadness, accompanied by suppressed laughter.
“Very interesting, a perfect 10.”
Why is my heart so wide?”
“Cuteness, handsomeness, attractiveness, sexiness… all a perfect 10.”
“…What is that?”
“With a total of fifty million points.”
“Why calculate like that? And why is it so new?”
“Um… let’s skip that issue. As a poet’s son, it’s kind of…”
“Really bad.”
Jaeyoung laughed mischievously.
Although he felt annoyed at the other party crossing the line with hidden messages, Sangwoo found it strange that he felt so drawn to it. Suddenly, Sangwoo strongly felt the urge to reach out.
“Come here, please.”
Jaeyoung crawled on his knees to meet him, as if he had been waiting. Sangwoo’s hand, floating in the air, landed softly on the messy hair that was blown by the wind. He tucked a stray strand of hair behind his ear before gently caressing it.
The shell of Jaeyoung’s eyes shifted slowly, the deep and captivating gaze veiled the light before revealing itself again. His serious face made it hard to tell what he was thinking, but Sangwoo was certain of one thing: the overwhelming feeling that overflowed from those eyes was similar to how he felt. The thread of their gazes seemed intertwined.
As their noses touched, Jaeyoung’s eyes gradually closed. Big and warm hands rose up to his back and wrapped around his neck, slowly pulling Sangwoo’s face closer. Their lips opened simultaneously, their kisses suppressing and sucking on each other without hesitation or tenderness. It was only a momentary rush and passion.
‘This might be the last time.’
Sangwoo reluctantly accepted the rough intrusion of Jaeyoung’s tongue into his mouth and fought with himself. What good would kissing each other do now? No matter how tightly he hugged the other person’s back. No matter how forcefully he fought against the aggressive intrusion of the other person’s tongue, he knew that it was useless.
However, Jaeyoung taught him that. Even if the radiant light lasted only for a moment before fading away, it still held value. If it was beautiful, if the nerves tingle in excitement, if it was present and shining, in this moment that would not return.
‘Even if it’s the last time, it’s okay.’
Sangwoo closed his eyes tightly and pressed himself against Jaeyoung, full of emotions. The more painful his heart became, the more passionately he kissed. He wanted to get closer than this. More than this, he wanted their bodies to touch, to know once again that he had ascended to the curve of the other person’s body… Jaeyoung hugged Sangwoo tightly in his arms, sweeping his tongue all over his mouth, breathing heavily, saliva mixed with sweat streaming down to his chin. Sangwoo awakened the nerves, memorized the sound of Jaeyoung’s breathing in his ear, and stored the temperature of the other person’s skin on his own.
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