SMNTCERR, Chapter 90: #8.
As he returned to his room, Sangwoo folded the loose papers from the supermarket together and immediately threw them in the trash box. He then checked the utility bills one by one: gas, telephone, and electricity, and placed them in order behind. Finally, he reached the last unaddressed envelope written, ‘Chu Sangwoo’, with difficult-to-read handwriting in the lower right corner, while white envelopes and bank debt notices fell to the floor in Sangwoo’s hands.
His heart was pounding as if it was about to burst through his skin.
Sangwoo cautiously opened the letter. Then his eyes lit up as he looked inside.
“Ah…”
Inside the envelope was a rectangular piece of fabric with a black background and a polaroid photo of someone Sangwoo missed. The other person was in a performance costume and was looking directly at Sangwoo with a confident and unique expression on their face. The back of the picture had a short handwritten note.
[I know you’ll be busy during the exams, but come and see me.
I’ll be performing for only five minutes, so you can just watch me and leave.]
Sangwoo carefully read the spaced-out handwritten text, different from the repeated texts. Then tears began to fall, and he quickly wiped them with his sleeves, afraid the ink would smear.
‘It’s too late now, hyung.’
However, tears continued to flow. He must have checked the mailbox earlier, knowing it was useless to be sad, but his mind was still filled with resentment for a time he couldn’t go back to. Jaeyoung, who dressed as a thief, was performing on stage. He missed the other person too much, but in the end, he failed, not for any reason other than his own jealousy. These thoughts made him feel angry, resentful, and suffocating.
His nose and tears continued to stream. Despite his attempts to sniff and wipe them, it wouldn’t stop. Sangwoo had no resistance to a disease he had just experienced for the first time.
‘I am an idiot who knows nothing at all.’
After that, his big mind returned. Sangwoo washed his face, blew his nose, and then drank 500 milliliters of water in one go. His chest moved up and down with each heavy breath, and his eyes were filled with a fierceness he had never experienced before.
‘But we learn from failure.’
Although the size of the triangle may increase, the sum of the angles will not change. Small problems from small events turn into big problems in big events. Sangwoo learned from what he encountered today. No, it was not the time to give up like this. Just by not watching a single episode of the drama, tears welled up in his eyes. After Jaeyoung left for real, he had to cry and think about the other party every day, that was certain.
He replaced every variable with English alphabet letters to remove the emotions and viewed this matter impartially with the eyes of a third person.
[Condition: X likes to be physically close to Y.
Problem: There is going to be a physical distance that has meaning between X and Y. Solution:
- “Do not change the position of Y.
- “Change the position of Y to be the same value as Y.
iii. “X adjusts to fit the physical distance with Y.]
He could think of only three ways. Sangwoo replaced the English alphabet letters with his name again before being slightly surprised, because there were two methods mentioned by Jihye.
The first method uses the value of Jaeyoung’s name in Y. Jaeyoung’s study abroad is a constant value, not a variable. Sangwoo has no authority over that decision, and he didn’t want to influence that decision either. Sangwoo began to consider the second solution [1].
‘What about studying? What about living? What about visas? What about the cost of living? What about language? Also, X has plans for life too. It is impossible to make a decision without caring about anything like that.’
He walked firmly to the computer, pressed the power button, and sat down on the chair. As soon as the desktop appeared, he immediately moved his hand restlessly and searched for various keywords before disappearing. It included types of American visas, how to apply for visas, studying abroad, Hankuk University homepage, student exchange conditions, cost of living in America, and plane tickets. Sangwoo sat in one place without moving for an hour and had accumulated information in the amount of three A4 sheets of paper in his hands.
Sangwoo’s decision was in turmoil and confusion between options that were not much. Life plan… He no longer had time to think about it. Sangwoo will graduate next year, work in the company he wants, and after going out with the condition of getting married, he should get married at the age of thirty. He had no plans to move abroad next semester, but he was busy searching for information like a lost person. That’s not something a successful social student does. It’s something that a foolish man in love does for survival.
“The only way is to be an exchange student, huh.”
Sangwoo looked through the documents compiled from the search results, but even the exchange student issue was not as expected. Among the programs offered by the university, there were only two programs that matched the Faculty of Engineering and were located in the same state as Jaeyoung’s graduate school. The rest had exceeded the application deadline. He had the qualifications for one of these two programs, but he had to submit his TOEFL score within three days.
“This is terrible.”
Stress began to creep in. If it was a program that started in the next semester, it might be possible, but there was no way for him to stay in America next month without any visa problems. Sangwoo felt hopeless and tried to make a slight change.
“[ii.’Change the position of X in another 6 months to match Y.]”
But in the end, was this really a solution? No need to ask if he could endure during that time. The thing to think about was how Jang Jaeyoung would react to the situation when they meet again in the second half of the year after Sangwoo crossed rivers and seas to follow him.
‘Having said that, I’ve never heard.’
Just talking about studying further. Jaeyoung would change the topic and never say anything seriously, so even the other party’s feelings, he could only guess vaguely. He couldn’t be sure.
Sangwoo had never cared about those things before. Jaeyoung was someone who could do whatever he wanted. If he didn’t want to do it, he would refuse. The other party was not a variable but a constant, so he was not someone Sangwoo could influence or negotiate with. Jaeyoung was an obstacle that kept teasing him, a talented designer, an efficient tool to satisfy sexual needs, and…
Sangwoo sighed.
‘Why are you thinking alone, you rude kid? You should ask about my feelings and thoughts a little, shouldn’t you?’
‘This is not a competition, don’t forget that it is a collaboration.’
Have I ever asked him how he plans his life? What Does he think? How does he feel when he sees me? Why did he respond when I invited him to play a game? Why does he want to sleep with me? Why does he laugh just by seeing me? Why does he like to come to my house? Have I ever asked him about those things?
At that time, he didn’t care about what Jaeyoung was thinking, what they wanted to do, what they planned to do after studying, how they would live after graduating, when they would get married, he was just curious about this much.
The variable, “Jang Jaeyoung’s heart”, made everything complicated. Sangwoo was ready to deduce and implement the most appropriate solution, but before that, he hesitated to make a decision because the variable he knew was just a constant.
Sangwoo knew Jang Jaeyoung as someone with low tolerance, easily agitated, unstable, inconsistent, and who treats everything as a joke. Now the other side is showing interest in Sangwoo and behaving as if they have romantic feelings, but how will it be after half a year? Will the other side still be waiting for him?
‘It seems boring. That guy didn’t really want to date anyone from the beginning.’
Yoona said that the average duration of dating the other side is less than three months. Even though the other side seemed reluctant, they started dating, but data still had doubts about the possibility of failure. If he changes his life plans and goes to America in the next six months, Jaeyoung will be colder toward him. If Jaeyoung finds a new love. If Jaeyoung says that he doesn’t want to do anything with Sangwoo anymore, what should he do?
‘I am very tired, hyung.’
Sangwoo sat silently for a moment. No matter what he thought, he couldn’t easily choose the second option. That was a reasonable conclusion when considering the information, situation, and life plans together. The only remaining option right now is the third option. [iii. “X adjust to the physical distance, with Y.] That was the starting point.
The four-month period he had with Jang Jaeyoung was just one point in his long-lasting life, a diverging point that couldn’t be graphed as a constant beginning and ending. Sometimes it could turn into the most overwhelming and happiest time in his life, even without the other side, but even if there was no other side, his life would not end. Sangwoo had to think carefully about how he would continue to live if Jaeyoung left now.
There is no other way than to decrease desire in order to cope with the inevitable lack of resources, in order for it to become zero, so that the day the other party is no longer necessary will surely come, because humans are not basic resources necessary for survival like air, water, or food.
Sangwoo turned off the computer, then picked up Jaeyoung’s Polaroid photo and lay down on the bed. His heart was heavy and overwhelmed with sadness, but he didn’t have the strength to cry. Sangwoo looked at the photo.
He lived his life thinking that he was a black mamba snake in the forest, not fearing anything, excelling in everything, and if he tried, he could possess what he wanted. What others said was difficult was not difficult for Sangwoo, and what others said was challenging was not challenging for Sangwoo either.
‘I am like a machine with no emotions.’
It seemed like he was being rolled around like a dust suction robot, but not being overwhelmed by emotions was his greatest strength. This strength made
Sangwoo not useless like other people and always able to focus on the efficient things.
‘It’s not like that anymore.’
Before, he might have lived without fearing anything like Superman, but after encountering Jang Jaeyoung, a kryptonite. Sangwoo lost his superpowers and eventually became an ordinary person.
Sangwoo stared at Jaeyoung for a moment before gently kissing the photo.
return 0;
The exam period passed quickly, almost like a rocket. If someone in the distant future asks him what was the worst period in his life, Sangwoo could confidently answer that it was a certain week. He had never faced an exam without preparation like this before in his life.
During the final exams of the second year of junior high school, he was sick with a high fever for five days, but his abilities in normal times allowed him to still be ranked first in school. In the first year of high school, he had to attend his grandmother’s funeral the day before the exam, so he didn’t study all day, but of course, the result came out that he was the top of the school. Even after entering university, he still maintained his statistics A+. in every subject except for A0, which was infamous for the subject “Basic Chinese Language.”
‘This semester was a disaster.’
At least it could be said that he was lucky to only have to study five subjects in order to create games. The major subject that he had basic skills in from regular reading, he was able to solve problems. However, the subject
“Intermediate Chinese” was a concern, while the subject “Contemporary Culture and Cultural Theory” seemed insignificant. After the exam, Sangwoo was able to call Jihye to compare answers, but he didn’t suspect anyone knew about his score.
Sangwoo walked to the cafeteria feeling frustrated. In his mind, it was both gloomy and dark, but the red sun floating high in the sky suddenly shone brightly, giving him a feeling like someone else. Sangwoo looked up at the sun with wide eyes and stood still for a moment.
‘Just looking at the sky reminds me. And you want to reduce desires?’
A sneering smile appeared on his lips. Desires had long been severed, but the desire did not diminish even a little, even just for yesterday’s matter. He deleted the “Jang Jaeyoung” folder permanently so that it couldn’t be recovered. And then wasted time looking for the files again, which was useless.
He pushed aside his studies and searched for ways to conquer unrequited love and ways to abandon attachments on the internet to try and practice, but it was all in vain. He tried ordering special food. He tried sleeping for a long time. He tried listening to music. He tried watching movies… Jang Jaeyoung still didn’t know how to disappear from his heart.
‘Can I overcome it?’
On the internet, it said that time heals everything, but there was no guarantee that people like Sangwoo suffered from the same burning pain, which everyone encounters growing up. But it was hard to believe. This kind of agonizing pain doesn’t happen to everyone for sure.
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[1] Solution. Computer problem-solving method.
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