SMNTCERR, Chapter 87: #5.
[Jaeyoung, I can’t let it be like this anymore. In terms of feelings, I like you now… Unlike what we agreed on initially. I’ve never been like this before, so I’m scared and can’t think about what will happen if you leave.
So from now on, let’s stop seeing each other.]
[Jaeyoung, I can’t let it be like this anymore. In terms of feelings, I…]
[Hyung Jaeyoung]
[Hyung]
[Hyung, I am currently in the midst of exams, so I will not be attending the meeting on Sunday. After that, we will work separately without needing to have meetings. _02:31.]
– [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : I am going to buy glasses, can you recommend which ones are good? _02:33.]
– [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : “Sent a picture.” _02:33.] – [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : “Sent a picture.” _02:33.]
[Have you read my message? _02:34.]
– [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : I have read it. _02:34.] – [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : Choose 1 or 2 quickly.
_02:35.]
[1. Please give me the price. My current glasses are broken, so I need to replace them. I will reimburse you. _02:36.]
[How should I provide you with the price? _02:38.]
[Just give me the price. _02:40.]
The world rotates around itself and revolves around the sun with the same speed and direction as yesterday, bringing a new day filled with freshness.
However, Sangwoo’s world, which was destroyed due to chaos, still remained in a state of darkness, a desolate space covered with feelings of desolation and loneliness, leaving only a semblance of an unenlightened morality, as if the true essence that made up Sangwoo had been taken away by the passing storm.
Sangwoo lived his life like a soulless robot, whether it was Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. But his habitual nature of going to university according to the designated time, attending classes, and sitting in the same spot without understanding anything, remained unchanged.
He was chronically ill with a disease that did not even exist in the medical dictionary, a disease that was deeply buried in his mind and refused to leave, causing a great disturbance to his life. This disturbing disease crept deep into Sangwoo’s mind during his fetal stage. Once he became aware of these feelings, the symptoms of the disease, called distress, immediately appeared, overwhelming him without any means to confront the heavy sadness.
Sangwoo, who could only regain consciousness when someone passed by his desk, was lost in thoughts to the point where he didn’t even realize that the class had ended.
Sangwoo pushed his pencil back into the case with a calm expression and closed his textbook. Despite it being a subject he wasn’t good at, and this being a review class before an exam, he didn’t pay attention at all. Last time he skipped class, and this time he came to class but it wasn’t any different from skipping. It was clear that he was destined to fail the upcoming exam.
As he slowly packed his bag, Sangwoo inadvertently caught a glimpse of a familiar shadow. This clique lived a life detached from reality, almost forgetting about the things they had to do. Sangwoo stopped in front of a female student who was tying her shoelaces. The other side stood up with a blank expression before widening her eyes upon seeing Sangwoo.
“Hey! No! Hi!”
Jihye spoke in a hurried and evasive manner, as if she was about to say goodbye. It seemed like the other side had urgent business.
“Then, goodbye!”
“Ru Jihye, if you have time, could you please help me a bit?”
He spoke to the back of the other side, who had a black ponytail.
Immediately, the girl stopped.
“Feed me first, and then I’ll do it as a favor. You like this, right?”
Jihye put her head out of the door and looked left and right. Then she turned back to find Sangwoo again, and lowered her voice as if someone was secretly listening.
“What’s going on?”
“Just sit down for a moment.”
Sangwoo thought it wouldn’t be appropriate to stand and talk, so he walked to a seat, and Jihye hesitated. Then she sat down and left one seat empty.
Sangwoo started playing a beta test version of a game on his phone and handed it to the girl.
“This is the game I’m working on.”
“Oh, um… wait. Did you make this?”
“Yes, I’m in the test phase, so I wanted a skilled gamer to play it a bit.”
Hearing that, Jihye smiled shyly and placed her phone on Sangwoo’s desk again before speaking.
“I’m really not good at playing games. I don’t think I can help.”
“Not long ago, you said that you were the number one Tetris player in elementary school.”
Sangwoo took out five food coupons from his pocket and placed them in front of the girl.
“I’ll give you these coupons. And I’ll treat you to a meal. I understand that you’re busy because of exams, but it only takes thirty minutes for the test and a short review. Here, it’s a special offer based on the minimum wage.”
“…No, I can’t do that. I would definitely die.”
“I guess you don’t really want to waste your time.”
Sangwoo sighed, but he understood, so he put the food coupons back in his pocket. Jihye glanced at him quietly before speaking up.
“The atmosphere around you has changed, sunbae.”
This was the second time he had heard these words. Sangwoo smirked to himself, the first time he heard it, he thought it might be true, but this time it didn’t sound too good.
“In what way?”
“Hmm…, you seem a bit more gentle. Were you more domineering before? Making me feel like a… doll, a little too much. Oh well, don’t mind me, it’s just my personal opinion.”
Maybe he’s softer, more tender, and his heart is more vulnerable. Plus, he was overwhelmed by emotions. Sangwoo took a deep breath, and Jihye noticed his reaction.
“Are you okay?”
“Not at all.”
“I’m sorry.”
When he looked at his watch, he realized that it was already time for a meal, but Sangwoo didn’t care. At this point, his daily life had collapsed completely. So even if he deviated from the schedule for a few minutes, it wouldn’t be a problem.
“What about you? How is school going?”
“It’s… the same as before.”
“I’m jealous.”
If he could go back to living a certain, predictable, and unbroken life, he would long for the time when he felt no pain or sorrow.
“Look, you’ve really changed. If it were before, you would have jumped up immediately when I said I didn’t want to be a tester anymore.”
“That’s true.”
Sangwoo tilted his head. Wondering why he was still having a meaningless conversation even though he was finished, he thought he should get up. But at that moment, he recalled a previous conversation.
“That person bought all the coffee that you drank.”
“I just ordered it online, it will be delivered within one day. There shouldn’t be any problem.”
Thirteen weeks ago, during the first week of the school semester, Sangwoo opened up about the difficulties in his life to Jihye, and Jihye surprised him with flexible problem-solving advice. Although it may have been useless, Sangwoo still valued the mindset of a woman who didn’t conform.
“Hahaha… Well then, I’ll go now. I’m sorry I couldn’t help!”
“Wait.”
Sangwoo’s hesitation made Jihye, who was in a half-sitting, half-standing position, sit down again. She laughed with a puzzled expression on her face.
“…Why?”
“I have a quiz to ask you. If you agree to participate, I will give you food vouchers.”
Sangwoo took out five food vouchers from his wallet and placed them on the table again. Jihye twisted her face in a strange manner before using her nails to touch her forehead. “Quiz, you say?”
“Hmm, do we have a deal?”
“Wait a second… Okay, fine. But it’s not just because of the food vouchers, I mean… It’s like, as long as I only have to cook, I’ll do anything, it’s just that you misunderstood, sunbae.”
Even though Jihye raised her hand to reject, Sangwoo still threw the food vouchers onto Jihye’s table. Jihye had a conflicted expression but still put the food vouchers in her bag. Then Sangwoo began to speak.
“To protect your privacy, I won’t disclose the people’s real names. But let’s just say there are people named X and Y.”
“Yes.”
“But, X…likes Y.”
Jihye resisted a smile and looked uncomfortable. It was exam season, and it was annoying to have to listen to something meaningless. Sangwoo took a deep breath and opened his mouth again.
“Um…X likes Y you know…”
In order to protect personal information and cut off emotions, he replaced the names with English letters. Although he achieved the first goal, he couldn’t achieve the second one. Sangwoo felt his face twisting and reached into his bag to take out water to drink and challenge himself again. “X likes Y.” This time as well, he couldn’t move on to the next step.
“Oh my. And how does that work?”
“…”
It seemed like the time stretching on would make Jihye annoyed. Seeing it from her perspective, having to quickly answer questions in order to go eat, that was a reasonable display of emotions. Sangwoo paused with a frustrated face. “But, Y has to go far away.”
“Oh.”
“X wants to be with Y from now on, but it can’t happen anymore, so how can
X overcome this situation? Try answering from X’s perspective.”
Jihye didn’t look very well. Then she let out a sigh of frustration, and finally her eyes met Sangwoo’s.
“Sunbae, is your IQ in the single digits?”
“I have a high IQ.”
“Well, it’s a way to show nonchalance, don’t misunderstand.”
Jihye spoke in a muffled voice to prevent Sangwoo from having a chance to speak even a word before raising two fingers.
“There are only two ways, right? One, hold back.”
Sangwoo hoped that Jihye would suggest a more creative solution, but he secretly knew it was unlikely. However, he replied patiently.
“Holding back is not an option. It’s something that has been planned for a long time and is crucial for work.”
“That’s not my concern, two, follow along.”
“…”
The second option was a problem-solving method that Sangwoo had never considered before. So, he decided to consider the alternative suggested by the woman.
‘Follow…to America.’
If that’s the case, he wouldn’t have to break up with Jaeyoung. Numerous questions suddenly popped into his head. Sangwoo took a breath and spoke.
“That issue is as simple as speaking, right? What about education? Existence?
Visa? Cost of living? Language? And another thing, X also has their life plans.
It’s not so easy to make a decision without caring about anything.”
“Then don’t like Y either, because if it’s love, you have to follow it everywhere, right?”
Jihye spoke as if she were someone who could live solely based on emotions.
Sangwoo shook his head and slung his backpack over his shoulder.
“Both of your problem-solving methods are not reasonable enough to help at all. But even so, it doesn’t mean you won’t get the food voucher. Let’s go.”
“Excuse me? Just wait…why are you asking such strange questions? If you’re in a relationship, people have to communicate and understand each other.” Before getting up, Sangwoo added one more comment.
“They’re not in a relationship.”
“What do you mean?”
Jihye’s eyes widened, and the pleading look in her eyes made him unable to leave. And yeah, it was an important condition. Sometimes he might have to say it from the beginning. Sangwoo avoided the gaze of the woman and spoke quickly.
“It may sound conflicting with moral principles, but X and Y. Their relationship is only physical.”
“Huh? Wait a minute… I don’t understand…”
Jihye pondered as if she didn’t want to believe before speaking to Sangwoo with a serious expression on her face.
“Why aren’t they together? What are they doing?”
“They can’t be together.”
“Why?”
“I can’t tell you. It’s private.”
“Just tell me. It’s not about you, it’s about X and Y, here and now.”
Those words sounded reasonable. Sangwoo took a deep breath before responding calmly.
“X and Y are the same gender.”
“So what? Are you kidding?”
“…Are you mad at me?”
Jihye assessed Sangwoo’s question and seemed to not understand anything.
“What do they do when they meet? Just… what?”
“They do other things. Normal things.”
“And then what?”
“Well… eat, sometimes watch a movie, play basketball, sometimes just lie around and do nothing, go for walks, go shopping…”
“That’s being a couple, isn’t it?”
“Isn’t it enough that they have more in common than just a single digit IQ.
How can men be lovers?”
“…Are you some kind of Wijeongcheoksa [1] from the late Joseon Dynasty?”
Jihye picked up her mobile phone, quickly touched the screen a few times before handing it to Sangwoo. Sangwoo himself took the communication device with a rough gesture, somewhat violently, as if the other party had provoked him, and found that the browser on the screen was open with a dictionary.
________________________________________.
[1] Wijeongcheoksa is a political movement in the late Joseon Dynasty, adhering to the teachings of Confucian doctrine, which considered homosexuality as non-mainstream. They also opposed the Western influence that spread into Korea.
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