SMNTCERR, Chapter 86: #4.
“Why did you put that on?”
“It’s a famous character that impresses people.”
“Hmm… Delete.”
The image on the screen quickly changed with the skillful hands of an expert who created a great impression on Sangwoo, even though it was just a presentation of the major subject. Despite complaining, the delicacy in making adjustments without missing any flaws, the cleverness in solving complex problems with the simplest methods, and the expertise in easily controlling all components, even though it seemed haphazard, all of these were parts that made Jaeyoung look fascinating.
Sangwoo’s gaze shifted from the hands that controlled the keyboard and mouse skillfully to the handsome, smiling face on the side. The things he used to dislike at first, like the red t-shirt, the slouched posture, the golden earrings, the tattoo on his arm, and the slightly trembling knees, now didn’t bother him anymore because they were all part of Jang Jaeyoung. He no longer felt a dislike towards them. Suddenly, Sangwoo felt a strong, overwhelming sensation welling up from the depths of his heart.
‘Have I ever met someone as wonderful as you?’
Psychopath, cancer, garbage, mental illness, laziness, uncontrollable anger, deceitfulness, two-faced, ticking time bomb. Sangwoo recalled the names he had given the other party, far removed from the word ‘worthless’ and a person who possessed characteristics that Sangwoo disliked. But all of a sudden, Sangwoo realized that he no longer cared about those things. The wave of emotions overwhelmed everything that had come before. He had once felt that those qualities were flaws in Jaeyoung and conquered Sangwoo. In the midst of the cocktail of happiness and sadness in a 5:1 ratio, spinning violently…
“Wow… applying color filters, outlines, and shadows. I really went all out…”
“I like you, hyung.”
…Sangwoo cried out, his words didn’t want to be in this metaphorical prison and overflowed out.
The sound of the mouse clicking stopped, and Jaeyoung’s hand, which had been moving restlessly, also stopped. Then Sangwoo realized that he had said something inappropriate.
‘What did I say?’
Sangwoo’s pale brain pondered if he had gotten too excited after finishing the beta test file. His brain was slightly abnormal, his thoughts expanded uncontrollably like when he was drunk, and he blurted out without any filtering or intention.
‘Do I… like humans?’
And on top of that, do I like a human in a romantic way? And the other party is a man? And it’s Jang Jaeyoung? The other party was someone who couldn’t possibly become a lover from the beginning. That was a meaningless and illogical thing.
Sangwoo raised his head before his gaze met Jaeyoung. He didn’t know when the other party had turned towards him, but he was wearing the most adorable expression he had ever seen.
“I didn’t hear you clearly, say it again.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“Speak, tell me that you like me.”
“What do you mean you didn’t hear clearly?”
Jaeyoung closed his mouth, which was previously wide open, and flashed a sarcastic smile.
“Come on, speak up again.”
Sangwoo was stunned, unable to speak, and lowered his gaze. He was already feeling awful. It was truly ironic that the other party was acting like they had encountered something amusing. Sangwoo stood up and walked back to open the door before running out without even having time to grab his bag. He ran as fast as he could, thinking that Jaeyoung would follow soon.
“Hey! Stop right there!”
Sangwoo ran as though he was being chased by a dangerous knife-bearing Jaeyoung. He swiftly went down the stairs and ran with all his strength to avoid being caught up. However, Jaeyoung refused to give up and continued to chase.
‘I won’t get caught.’
Sangwoo couldn’t think of what the problem was or how to fix it. He was only certain that he didn’t want to be caught by Jang Jaeyoung. He was scared of what the other party would mock him with and what he would do.
He arrived in front of the Faculty of Engineering without realizing it, and hurriedly stumbled with fear that his speed would decrease. He lowered his head, passed through shrubs, squeezed between two statues, passed through a narrow passage lined with stones, and passed the Faculty of Humanities and Natural Sciences in that order. He thought it would be safe to run this far.
Then, there was a loud shout from behind.
“Hey, haven’t you had enough running yet?”
Sangwoo sprinted once again, and the sound eventually faded away and could no longer be heard. Jaeyoung yelled angrily not to make a scene. He also said it was because of Sangwoo that the other party was able to endure for less than a week even though he had promised not to say anything again. At that moment, Sangwoo found a hiding spot in one corner of the football field.
“Where did you go? Shouldn’t we talk it out?”
“…”
“Damn it, this kid keeps running away… Hey, I’ve been chasing after you halfway around the world, you know.”
“I have nothing to say, just go away!”
Sangwoo’s response ended. Jaeyoung immediately ran towards him. Sangwoo took advantage of the rectangular shape of the soccer field and hid on the other side, seeing Jaeyoung standing on the other side of the green net.
“Just go already. Even if you run for another hundred days, I won’t let you catch me.”
No matter what Jaeyoung did, he couldn’t catch Sangwoo unless he destroyed the soccer field. So both of them wasted their energy running around the soccer field for three rounds.
“This is so frustrating, damnit.”
Jaeyoung leaned against the net and collapsed as if he couldn’t take it anymore. Sangwoo himself also breathed heavily, but fearing that the other side would suddenly rush in, he chose not to sit and stood there adjusting his breathing. They let their heavy breathing dissipate without speaking a word.
Meanwhile, Jaeyoung sat up.
“I’ve never met someone as strange as you before.”
Sangwoo worried that the other side would rush in to find him, so he never took his eyes off the shadow of that person. But Jaeyoung remained calm and sat there, they talked to each other with the soccer field separating them.
“Come over here first, I have something to say to you, but I don’t want to say it in this situation. Actually, I don’t want to do this either, but I can’t help it.”
“…I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
Sangwoo mumbled as if talking to himself before taking a deep breath and then speaking out loud.
“What I said in the office, I misspoke.”
“I don’t think so.”
Jaeyoung responded casually, as if it wasn’t a big deal. This nonchalant attitude annoyed Sangwoo for real.
“I said it wasn’t, didn’t I?”
“Oh, today is not it.”
“I didn’t talk about the day, but I meant the wrong things I said.”
“If you want time, just tell me clearly how much time you need. I’ve been waiting all along until now, and it’s not a big deal to wait further.”
Today the questioning was more intense than usual. Sangwoo rubbed his temples, took a deep breath and his heart continued to beat rapidly, but it wasn’t because of physical exhaustion. Once he caught his breath and balanced his breathing, he returned to a state of readiness to move once again.
“I’m leaving. You don’t have to follow me. If you do, I won’t see you again.”
“…”
He shouted like that and ran to the library, not hearing any more sounds behind him.
After that, Sangwoo couldn’t remember what happened very well. He pedaled his bike in familiarity until he reached home without realizing it, then rushed up the stairs like a storm and poured water down his throat as if furious.
Sangwoo quickly took off his sweaty clothes and put them in the laundry machine before jumping into a cold shower. After changing into clean clothes, his heart still raced. It was now 19:12. Even though he hadn’t eaten dinner, he didn’t feel hungry at all. Sangwoo didn’t know what it was that made him look around in confusion before slowly sitting down in a chair, resting his forehead on trembling hands and immediately falling asleep.
‘I like you, hyung.’
If it were, ‘I need you’, it could be said like that. He didn’t want to believe that he said it like that. It wasn’t a demand. It wasn’t an evaluation. It was an useless and ambiguous statement, his feelings were truly strange, irritating, and sad.
‘So, do I like a human?’
It was a phenomenon that means one could be so special that nothing could replace them. It was a dangerous feeling that left the country’s leaders in despair and even the smartest person became foolish. Sangwoo knew that liking someone was a dangerous misunderstanding. There were many doctors who could treat sex addiction, but there was no record of heartache in the medical dictionary.
Did he really say that? Normally, Sangwoo does not lie, but this time his consciousness was not quite with himself, so he kept speaking without pause. Sangwoo held his head, which was throbbing, with both hands and tried to analyze his actions in the past.
[5/29, Jang Jaeyoung’s house.
5/28, Bar in Yeonseokdong.
5/25, Han River, Jang Jaeyoung’s car.
5/24, Home.
5/22, Home.
5/19, Department store…]
Looking at it from a neutral perspective in the third person, his actions can mostly be explained by a strong sexual desire. However, it is clear that there are some parts that are not. For example, on Wednesday, May 29th, after waking up at Jaeyoung’s house, Sangwoo had the opportunity for intimacy but he did not act on it.
That day became a strange and pleasant memory despite not releasing any sexual desires or doing much. Sangwoo simply ate the meal prepared by Jaeyoung, had meaningless conversations, and then left the movie playing while napping together. Sangwoo felt disappointed when he thought about how warm the pea soup was, how much he wanted to steal Jaeyoung’s picture, and how exciting the image on the other side of sleep made his heart race.
“I have lost.”
Sangwoo clenched his fist and let it fall heavily onto the table, thump. The more he thought about the time they spent together, the more his confidence decreased, beyond his sexual organ. There were many other noticeable points that went beyond their physical relationship.
The crease on the nose when the other side sneezed, the neatness of his hand holding the mouse, the sculpted muscles on his back when he stretched lazily, the corners of his eyes when he smiled mischievously, the alignment of his teeth, how his hair reflected and shimmered in the sunlight.
How good did he feel when he heard the low-pitched voice calling his name, how often he laughed because of constant teasing, and at the same time, how fast his heart raced because of the sincere words spoken by the other side. When he thought about the arm that was tightly wrapped around his shoulder and the soft touch on his forehead. Sangwoo could feel the sense of defeat.
He remembers how funny it was during junior high when he found out that his older sister liked a male classmate. His sister talked about that guy all day and made a disgusted face. When he teased her saying she was strange and silly, he was slapped several times. At that time, his sister made a fuss and asked their mother to buy her new clothes, and then her classes ended and she came home late. She even said she would go find that male student on the weekend and be Sangwoo, who laughed and teased her, without consciousness.
But Sangwoo did even more than that. He dressed in clothes that Jaeyoung liked and went out to drink expensive alcohol at a liquor store in the lively area to demand attention from the other side. He even secretly investigated
Jaeyoung’s past and even kissed him while he was asleep. If it was about Jaeyoung, he was ready to destroy the planned life and spent the whole day thinking about the other side.
It’s not that his sexual preference was for handsome young men with tall figures and brown eyes. It’s not that he didn’t like guys who had poor appearances compared to Jaeyoung, but it’s just because those people weren’t Jaeyoung.
Sangwoo slowly sank onto the table with a feeling of despair, unable to predict the charms and mysteries of Jang Jaeyoung. At first, he came in and disrupted the tranquility of his daily life. Then he woke up to Sangwoo’s sexual desires, making him unable to stand being alone, and in the end, even fought for his heart. Here, there was a foolish person who liked men and couldn’t be together with the handsome hyung again, instead of being a heterosexual in the appropriate age range to get married and have good health.
“I have lost completely.”
Until now, if he liked something, Sangwoo just bought it and it was over. However, no matter how much he liked something, he couldn’t possess it, it happened for the first time and was something that would soon be gone.
And then Sangwoo had to face his own Semantic Error, which controlled his world.
return 0;
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