SMNTCERR, Chapter 83: #1.
As soon as Sangwoo looked up, he was surprised by the unfamiliar sight. The rectangular metal clock hands moved every second instead of every minute. The window had curtains hanging to be curtains, and on the wall, there was a poster of a rock band concert with four members. On the table, there was a notebook that he had formatted himself, as well as car keys, skin care lotion, an album, and a lighter. In the corner of the room, there were several stacked clothes and a skateboard against the wall. With all of this, he could determine where he was.
He had a splitting headache and felt like his head was about to explode with the risk-filled events that happened yesterday. There were memories that he could remember and memories that he couldn’t, all mixed together. And when he realized that yesterday was Wednesday, Sangwoo got up from bed at 11:23
a.m., if the clock was telling the right time. He was now entering his second class.
‘No!’
It will take at least three minutes to brush his teeth and change clothes. The travel time to the university was uncertain, but it will take at least five minutes from the main door to the Faculty of Humanities. Despite the lingering hangover, which had an influence over his body, Sangwoo got up quickly, slid to the door, and opened it, being blinded by the brightness outside and blinking his eyes compared to the dim room.
Jang Jaeyoung lived alone in a spacious two-bedroom house [1]. There was a wall-mounted TV in the rectangular living room. On the other side, standing in the kitchen, which was arranged in a straight line along the hallway, was a tall figure wearing gray pants and a blue T-shirt with large numbers printed on the back. In his hand, a mobile phone. The smell of cooked vegetables wafted in the air.
Jaeyoung slowly turned his head and noticed Sangwoo. Sangwoo felt confused. He didn’t know what to say, how to look, or how to behave. Yesterday was the worst day, and he was too overwhelmed to analyze the situation calmly. Jaeyoung tasted the food, turned off the gas before putting the phone down, and walked in with a nonchalant expression. As Sangwoo took a step back, the others also stopped in his tracks. He didn’t come any closer than that.
Sangwoo tensed up. Although Jaeyoung didn’t have the same intimidating stance as yesterday, he could still sense the vigilance.
People who intimidated Sangwoo were common. Sangwoo wasn’t afraid of physical intimidation. Whether it was at high school, university, or military camp, he dealt with attempts to dominate, insult, and use force calmly all along.
However, yesterday was the first time he felt genuinely scared.
It wasn’t just because Jaeyoung acted rudely. He wasn’t afraid of being slapped a few times, as the wounds would eventually heal. What scared him was the other person’s attitude. Although he knew that those cold eyes, tightlipped smile, and calm voice couldn’t physically harm him, Sangwoo still felt fear. It was the first time he saw Jaeyoung so angry. He was afraid that Jaeyoung would be disappointed in him and that the other would say he wouldn’t come to see him again.
He had a headache. That’s why Sangwoo stopped thinking and focused on solving urgent problems. He looked around for the house’s door, where his clothes were, how to brush his teeth, and blurted out one moment.
“I have to go to class.”
“You are already late.”
Jaeyoung looked at the clock on the wall and replied casually, “It’s no big deal.” Then he crushed Sangwoo’s hopes by saying that even if he hurried, it would still take about twenty minutes to get to the university.
“It’s a consecutive class, so I’ll be checked absent for two classes.”
“By now, there should be no more classes. What would you do then?”
“You could have woke me up.”
“You were sleeping so comfortably, how could I wake you up?”
Sangwoo stood leaning against the wall, feeling both stressed and tired. Even though talking about attending class wouldn’t help, now was not the time to have a calm conversation. He didn’t dare to forget his gaze, so he spoke while closing his eyes.
“Is there anything you want to talk to me about?”
“Oh… is it a moment of you feeling guilty?”
Sangwoo felt that Jaeyoung’s words were without sarcasm, which was awfully unlike him, so he raised his eyes before meeting the serious gaze that he could not expect. Jaeyoung spoke with a playful face.
“I apologize for being rash and for being rude. And I’m sorry for the lack of communication before.”
Sangwoo thought that this time the other party was just playing around and would let it pass like every time. He didn’t think he would admit fault. When he thought about the intimidating face, the cold way of speaking, and the posture that was like an immovable wall regardless of how he rejected it, Sangwoo started breathing faster.
“I… thought you were a good person, but apparently not.”
Jaeyoung looked at Sangwoo for a moment before turning his face elsewhere.
“I have always had a bad temper. I only tried to be a good person for you.”
“Why?”
“Otherwise, you wouldn’t have acknowledged my existence.”
“…”
Sangwoo tried to swallow his saliva, but his mouth suddenly went dry.
Jaeyoung was silent for a moment and then turned his gaze back again.
“Will you accept the apology?”
“Do I have to accept it?”
“That’s your right, but… if you accept the apology, I won’t do it again.”
The moment he heard the apology, his heart seemed to have made a decision based on intuition, but Sangwoo continued to reflect on it carefully. Then he concluded that Jaeyoung’s promise, “except appointments,” was somewhat trustworthy.
‘I will support you yourself, so you can reach your dreams.’
‘I will wait, I won’t force anything on you.’
‘I won’t do it again.’
‘…again.’ I don’t know how long those words still hold a guarantee.
Suddenly, Sangwoo wondered, but then he forcefully stopped thinking about it.
“Understood.”
Jaeyoung paused and hugged his hand on his chest.
“Then it’s your turn now.”
“….”
“Is there something you have to confess?”
Sangwoo frowned and reflected on the conversation from yesterday. He might know why Jaeyoung was angry, but it was an unreasonable excuse and a problem that didn’t need to be acknowledged as a mistake.
“I have nothing to confess.”
Jaeyoung didn’t show any reaction to that response, he just blinked his eyes and locked his gaze for a moment before speaking up.
“I want you to…”
The young man fell silent for a while before continuing.
“Hold hands with only me, kiss only me, and have sex only with me.”
Is that true? That’s an extraordinary demand in their relationship. Besides, it doesn’t mean anything anymore… when I saw Sangwoo’s expression, Jaeyoung added.
“Let’s think about this again. Chu Sangwoo. When you went to the studio and heard that the employees there were interested in me, you were not happy, right?”
“So what can I do then? There’s no way to control this.”
“I’m talking about feelings. Imagine if I go somewhere else and kiss another man who isn’t you.”
As Sangwoo frowned, Jaeyoung quickly approached him. On the other side, Jaeyoung reached out and touched his own neck with Sangwoo’s hand.
“There are traces of that guy kissing here, his pants buttons were undone, the atmosphere is abnormal, and you two looked like you have been fighting.”
When Sangwoo tried to think about it, he immediately felt worse. Jaeyoung tightened his grip on the hand that was holding him.
“Do you understand now why I’m angry?”
He couldn’t answer. Sangwoo thought he shouldn’t answer. Jaeyoung continued speaking without paying attention.
“Yesterday… when I heard that you kissed someone else, I was very disappointed, angry, and hurt.”
He pulled Sangwoo’s hand, which was on his neck, down to his chest with a serious face. Sangwoo’s fingertips slowly touched the evidence that indicated that Jaeyoung was still alive, and he felt a slight flutter in his heart through his skin.
“I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”
“Is this a demand?”
“It’s a plea, a demand, a request, and a threat.”
Jaeyoung spoke calmly, but it didn’t sound like a plea or a threat. Sangwoo slowly bent forward and hugged Jaeyoung’s waist. When he leaned his weight on the warm body, Jaeyoung lifted his arms, leaned on his shoulders, and placed his hands on the back of his head.
“I understand now. You have done a lot for me in the past, so I will refrain from building an inappropriate relationship until you leave.”
“Yes… good boy.”
Jaeyoung kissed on the forehead above Sangwoo’s eyebrows, and his heart beat rapidly without him knowing. Although there were many thoughts buzzing in his head, such as how beneficial the other party’s plea was, how pointless their arguments on the street were, and how much time they had left before the other party left, those thoughts collapsed. Then, the warmth enveloped his eyelids, and he felt that everything was being dragged down, suddenly Sangwoo wanted to cry, his emotions fluctuating heavily, annoyingly.
“Sangwooya.”
At that moment, Jaeyoung gently called out. Sangwoo pushed himself into the embrace of the other party, replacing words with a more intense response.
“Do you still want us to see each other?”
He raised his head. Then his gaze was held captive by a tense look,
Jaeyoung’s eyes reflecting the sunlight with a brownish glow. Sangwoo couldn’t think of any other response, so he hesitated before expressing his temporary physical desire.
“Yes.”
Then Jaeyoung whispered in his ear.
“If that’s the case, I will give you another chance to answer, what do you want me to do?”
That was a question he heard last Friday while looking at the illuminating and shimmering bridge from the other party’s car. Sangwoo still didn’t know the planned answer to that question. So, he replied like a parrot-bird.
“I don’t know.”
The situation now is worse than before. If the answer from that day was a conclusion derived from contemplation. Now, his mind is so confused that he doesn’t even know what he is saying.
“It’s my homework for you. Go find the answer.”
“Can’t you give me a multiple choice one?”
“No.”
Jaeyoung released the embrace and placed his hand on Sangwoo’s head, inviting him to sit at the dining table. Jaeyoung went and brought the food, including rice, mung bean soup, and various side dishes before sitting down on the opposite side of the black table covered with glass. He gently looked at the numerous dishes that looked delicious in the white bowls and plates.
“Are you good at cooking?”
“Um… no, I only made the soup. The side dishes were bought.”
In a soup filled with smoke and packed with ingredients, including sprouts, tofu, shallots, eggs, dumplings, and others, Sangwoo dipped his spoon into the bowl of soup and stirred the contents within.
“What is this dish exactly? Sprout soup or noodle soup?”
“I don’t know, maybe sprout soup with noodles?”
Sangwoo smiled slightly and scooped up a spoonful of soup to eat, meanwhile Jaeyoung sat with his chin in his hands, staring at him. Sangwoo could tell that he wanted feedback.
“This has a high sodium content.”
“Add some water.”
“Didn’t you follow the recipe?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll eat it and see if it tastes good.”
Then he scooped up the various components with his spoon and stuffed them into his mouth. The soup was so hot it burned the roof of his mouth. He didn’t feel hungry at all but he ate like a starving person. Jaeyoung brought him some water.
“You’ll have an upset stomach if you eat too quickly, take it slow.”
Sangwoo continued eating without responding, he barely touched the rice or any other side dishes and only ate the meat in the soup until it was finished. He even lifted the bowl to slurp the last bit, then placed the bowl on the table and sighed. Jaeyoung, who was sitting across from him, continued to look at him.
“May I have another bowl please.”
“You eat so well, is it delicious?”
“I think so.”
In truth, Sangwoo didn’t know what deliciousness was, but he answered like that because he wanted to continue eating and wanted to feel this way in the future as well. Jaeyoung scooped another bowl of soup for Sangwoo. Then he began eating his rice as well.
“I guess this class is probably over now.” Sangwoo mumbled while eating.
“Yeah, it’s finished then.”
“I have missed class without any reason twice in my life, and both times it was because of the same person.”
Jaeyoung laughed without saying anything, his image immediately caught the attention of Sangwoo. Sangwoo smiled slightly before speaking.
“So, you have class today. It’s a Personality Training course.”
“If I fail, it’s an F. And you will be responsible for it.”
“Are you crazy? At least go see the professor now.”
“I have missed class four times.”
“And how many times have you missed?”
“Today is the fourth time.”
“That’s really irresponsible.”
“…”
Sangwoo chuckled softly, thinking about the connection between the subject and their changing relationship until now. He thought that if the other party didn’t finish studying, it would be a good ending, but at the same time, he knew that such a situation could not happen after finishing this semester.
Jang Jaeyoung would leave Seoul.
________________________________________.
[1] Home. In Korean, it doesn’t only mean a house, but also includes accommodations such as a dormitory, apartment, or condominium.
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