SMNTCERR, Chapter 81: Black #1.
Jaeyoung was confident that he could feel love from Sangwoo’s actions during this period. It was a feeling that was difficult to pinpoint exactly where it came from.
His demeanor had changed slightly, his actions had changed slightly, and his way of speaking had changed slightly. At the same time, there was a certain point where his voice changed. When Sangwoo stood there silently, a sweet scent wafted out, causing Jaeyoung to feel intoxicated and lost in the other party.
Although their relationship had started with the utmost wickedness, he believed that Sangwoo was gradually climbing up the steps after they became involved in each other’s affairs, until now, where their bodies and hearts had become one. He guessed that Sangwoo’s heart was now aligned with his own. When it seemed as though he was annoyed, he pulled the other party close, as if he were a proud child learning to walk, hugging and sinking into the blissful feeling as if he himself had become Sangwoo’s lover. But that was a big misunderstanding.
“If the milk runs out, should I change my eating habits or go buy some from the supermarket?”
Since the day they agreed to release their desires (screw) under the agreement, Sangwoo, who had declared that he would transform Jaeyoung as if changing obsolete computer parts, had not changed at all, as if Yoona had said before, “Don’t fool a helpless kid”. But Jaeyoung, on the other hand, was completely different, having misunderstood without a clue and feeling as if they were the only ones in love.
“You’re the worst, I’m so stupid to have thought that I could feel good feelings from you.”
He was bored with the utilitarian way of thinking that treated people as objects, and with the business-like thinking that only consumed what was necessary and discarded the rest. At the same time, Jaeyoung thought of the words of his three ex-girlfriends, who had spoken particularly harshly and left him behind.
“It feels like you’re only dating my body.”
“You despicable person, you can’t recycle someone like me.”
“Jaeyoung-ah, do you love me?”
How does it feel now? Good, I might as well just die. Who said they liked my coolness? Now that you’re back, you’re cursing me again, pretending to be like Chunhyang [1] or being that crazy lover.
But even so, the knife he threw at others had turned around and aimed at himself.
“You’ve never been clear from the beginning.”
That is the voice of the subconscious, because he is unsure of how to convincingly reject Sangwoo, because he does not have enough time, because he hates the intense relationship, for various reasons. Jaeyoung therefore tried his best to show his determination, and the price he had to pay was too heavy.
“Stay calm. You don’t have your senses yet.”
The young man decided that he would not let Sangwoo drag him down. Otherwise, he might become a pair of pants that the other party could easily discard and replace at the airport. Therefore, he had to “be prepared”, as someone once said.
Jaeyoung resolved to distance himself from Sangwoo. He felt the need to step back and look at this overwhelming relationship in perspective. At the same time, he despised Sangwoo who declared that he could live without him and wanted the other party (Sangwoo) to experience it for once.
The first day went well, the second day he restrained himself in every way possible, but on the third day, it became so difficult for Jaeyoung himself.
[Bebe: I miss you, brother. Can we meet today? _21:00.]
Because he knew that the other party saw him as a sexual object that could be easily manipulated. Jaeyoung had to try every possible way not to run into
Sangwoo. He watched movies at home, went to drink alone in places where Sangwoo couldn’t show up, and spent two to three hours skateboarding at the riverside park.
Life felt so monotonous. Without Sangwoo, there was nothing exciting, nothing fun. Jaeyoung felt lost in a gray dust because of the worst villain, Blackout, an unforeseen nuclear explosion. After that, Jaeyoung’s world lost its color, he severed ties with Chu Sangwoo after only four days.
For Jaeyoung, that day felt like sitting on a runaway train.
Jaeyoung had no plan. He had lived like this all along, he only went to the workplace because he missed Chu Sangwoo so much. Jaeyoung showered, chose an outfit that looked neat and tidy that the other party might like, and drove there. He wanted to wear bunny earrings and buy flowers again, so he headed to the office and arranged the words he wanted to say to the other party in his mind.
“I didn’t just see you as a casual fling. I love you with the most passionate love.”
After that, he didn’t think further. The other party probably wouldn’t understand and would choose hurtful words and run away. Then, he would become a person covered in wounds once again. But even so, Jaeyoung still stood firm, ready to say those words for the other party to hear, at least to prevent the other party from speaking pointless things about intimacy like that again.
When he saw the empty office, his hope turned into disappointment. And Sangwoo couldn’t be reached as usual, so he went to the front of the other party’s house and wandered around near the dark windows. Then he went up to the 4th floor and pressed his ear against the door to listen if there were any sounds inside, while waiting there, worry and uneasiness grew more and more.
When he saw the short text message that came with a picture, his head was violently hit by a wave of excitement.
The current situation feels like a climax in a teenage movie. Chu Sangwoo, who only knows home and university, wears the clothes he bought in the Rangrom district. It is a low-budget scene that clearly has a purpose. In this repetitive scene, the role prepared for Jaeyoung is that of a man who is in pain and restless, trembling with worry and frustration. At first, he thought it would be fun.
“Where could that kid be going? Probably just going to eat.”
The confident statement he said to himself sounded more like selfencouragement, because after that, there were nothing but frustrating issues.
Jaeyoung followed the anxiety and anger honestly according to the role assigned by ChoiYoona, saying, “Chu Sangwoo has no way of thinking about anything like this, for sure.”
Then, as he swept his gaze and looked around the brightly lit streets in Yeongdong, he had to call Yoona and ask her how she would take responsibility if something happened to that kid because she meddled without understanding the situation. After that, he received the message from Sangwoo through the phone that he did not answer
He searched every corner of the room and the bathroom in the semi-bar club where he had been a few times before, but did not find Sangwoo. So he asked the bartender and showed him a picture, confirming that Sangwoo was hiding in a corner, heavily drinking and then leaving. Jaeyoung exhaustedly wandered the streets, going to every place where a drunk person might fall, including the underground train station, bus stops, main roads, and side alleys.
Then, when he tried to go to a place where people were gathered and watching, he found Sangwoo fighting and wrestling with someone fiercely. The moment he saw the other person, his body immediately rushed forward. Jaeyoung intervened in the fight without thinking. When he regained his composure, he found Sangwoo lying on the floor, and the jerk who was about to punch the other person had run away… If he had been a little slower, Sangwoo could have been seriously injured. Just the thought of that made Jaeyoung tremble.
“Hey, why… why did you…”
His emotions were in turmoil to the point that he couldn’t speak. He didn’t know whether he should pull the other person in for a tight hug filled with concern, or should he ask calmly why Sanwoo made him worry like this? Should he sarcastically ask why he put down his phone and came here to wander, or should he ask calmly why he was fighting with the locals on the street? His conflicting emotions made Jaeyoung breathless as Sangwoo struggled to get up from the floor.
Sangwoo was in a drunken state and unconscious, but he didn’t seem to be injured. The drunk person in front of him could barely stand and had a frightened expression on his face. Jaeyoung caught a strong smell of alcohol from the person in front of him, and he thought that first of all, he had to suppress the swirling emotions and take Sangwoo home.
While carefully slipping his arm under Sangwoo’s back to support his body, Jaeyoung noticed a kiss mark imprinted on the spot he loved the most on Sangwoo’s body. From that moment on, everything changed. Concern was replaced with anger, the support turned into a tug. Jaeyoung suppressed his longing for several days, holding back the words he wanted to say to the other person, and the admiration he had for the clothes Sangwoo chose for himself behind the scenes. Then, he abruptly pulled and dragged Sangwoo towards the car. Jaeyoung adorned himself in a black suit called “anxiety” and “apprehension” and stepped onto the stage that awaited him.
The car raced, pounding his mind until it spun. Jaeyoung held onto the steering wheel tightly and remained silent, feeling like a fool who knew nothing. He didn’t know what to do, where to go, and how to deal with Sangwoo.
“No…This isn’t the way.”
Suddenly, Sangwoo straightened up. Jaeyoung noticed the abnormal fearful expression on the other’s face. Was it the way… Jaeyoung didn’t care in the slightest. The car passed the toll booth and soon left the city.
“This isn’t the way to my house.”
This time the voice grew slightly stronger, but Jaeyoung continued to evaluate the other’s words.
“Where are we going? Why are you making that face? Do you want to argue?”
The more he repeated the question, the louder his voice became. Sangwoo hugged himself, looking at Jaeyoung with a twisted neck, trying to suppress his anger. “Hey.”
“Why?”
“Shut up, please.”
Jaeyoung said softly, a time before the fuse was blown. He wanted to grab Sangwoo and take off his clothes right now, to see if there were any more kiss marks on him. But he restrained that desire. However, when he heard the other’s words, Sangwoo remained silent for a moment before speaking up.
“I’ll get off.”
“I said, be quiet.”
“I’ll get off.”
Sangwoo unlocked the doors while the car was still moving. Startled, Jaeyoung locked them again, but the same situation repeated itself until he pressed the lock button for the fifth time. Jaeyoung exploded.
“Hey, just tell me straight.”
When being pushed into the corner, Sangwoo withdrew his hand from the door. His left hand, resting on his knee, trembled weakly, and he turned his face towards the window on the right side, avoiding eye contact.
“Why… did you have to put me in a corner, insult me, and make me scared?”
It was a humorous conversation that Jaeyoung had adapted to tolerate the superficial separation between good and evil for so long. But now it meant nothing at all, just a minimal return for his efforts to be a good person. Is it really that he likes the other side sincerely? Pointless, lucky enough that he didn’t say it out loud.
“Hey?”
Jaeyoung gritted his teeth and spoke.
“Tell me how you really see me.”
“…”
“Why aren’t you answering? Normally, you’re not good at thinking before speaking, right?”
Jaeyoung’s anger built up until it became a loud, noisy voice. Does Sangwoo know that while he couldn’t contact him, he traveled around in fear that something might happen? Does the other side know that he lost his mind because of worrying and wanted to know why he is so angry? Jaeyoung felt the anger that clouded his eyes and spoke again.
“Am I just an object of desire to you, or not?”
Sangwoo didn’t say anything. Jaeyoung chose not to be right, either by keeping the other side’s mouth shut or by letting them speak an uninteresting word over and over again.
‘Allow both parties to do normal things when dating.’
‘I haven’t thought about myself having this kind of preference.’
‘If I still couldn’t handle it at that time… I would just find someone else to replace you.’
Let’s think about it.. There is only Jaeyoung who refuses to accept the truth.
While Sangwoo continues to fluctuate constantly. If those words came from Sangwoo’s true heart, their relationship wouldn’t be so complicated. At the same time, there is only one thing left.
Jaeyoung clenched his fists tightly, slowly releasing his words.
“Don’t want to talk, huh? Then communicate with your body, alright.”
“What do you mean?”
“It means let’s have sex. Besides that, what else do you and I do together?”
“I don’t want to.”
The other party replied immediately. Jaeyoung clenched his fists so hard that his knuckles turned white.
“Why? Don’t you want to do it with me anymore?”
“I don’t need to, hyung.”
With each increasingly harsh word, he wondered if he had misunderstood something all along. Did he come to this point just to feel this heartbroken?
The image in front of him turned pitch black.
“Let me warn you.”
Jaeyoung gritted his teeth.
“If you want to see me lose control, feel free to keep speaking like that.”
“What I say is my business.”
Then the other party took it further. Determined to unlock the door from the inside of the running car. Despite being forbidden, Sangwoo still struggled to open the door like a madman in a car running at seventy kilometers per hour. The other party was thinking of doing something. Jaeyoung was furious, but tried to regain his composure and looked around, amid the dark and desolate scenery consisting only of condominiums and factories, there was no suitable place to talk before Sangwoo randomly jumped onto the highway. So Jaeyoung made the decision to pull over on the shoulder of the road.
“Are you crazy? Do you want to die?”
Jaeyoung lost his senses, his clenched fists were tight but he didn’t know where to put them, so he sat trembling on his knees. Sangwoo stared out the car window, his expression blank, sounding ignorant.
“I asked where you wanted to go, but you didn’t tell me. Instead, you just insulted and belittled me. And even threatened me…”
Sangwoo’s face turned pale with pain. Then he raised his hand and rubbed his face. Jaeyoung felt like he wanted to gently embrace those trembling shoulders, at the same time, he wanted to inflict pain on the other party.
“I’m too drunk. I’ll go now.”
Sangwoo tried to open the door, but Jaeyoung grabbed his shoulder and held him back, making him turn his body to face him. Jaeyoung’s hand moved up to hold his chin, revealing a noticeable red mark on his neck, causing Jaeyoung’s grip to tighten.
“I’m very drunk. I’ll go now.”
Sangwoo tried to open the door, but Jaeyoung grabbed his shoulder and held him back, making him turn his body to face him. Jaeyoung’s hand moved up to hold his chin, revealing a noticeable red mark on his neck, causing Jaeyoung’s grip to tighten.
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[1] Chunhyang, the heroine in ‘Chunhyangjeon’, or Chunhyang’s Story, an ancient novel, is a woman who firmly adheres to her virginity.
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