NORTHHOWMUCHISYOURLOVE, Chapter 31 part 2
“Why didn’t you tell us if you wanted to go out?” I remained silent, not knowing how to respond, the plan to surprise was ruined, Ter, is there anything we do that the seniors don’t find out about?, T^T
“Why did you have to sneak out?” I heard Phii Hill ask Ter in a calm, yet spinechilling tone. Oh, but the person in front of me right now was just as intimidating. “Uh…”
“Can’t you tell us?” Phii Joe pressed.
“North…” Ter called out to me in a low voice, almost pleading for help. I pressed my lips together, glancing over at him, I can’t help you either, Ter, T^T
…
I looked at the scene in front of me with affection.
I couldn’t get angry.
Even knowing what they came to do, I couldn’t get angry, but I wanted them to know we were worried. Next time, there’s no need for surprises, really, you don’t even have to buy anything for us, Hill and I, just having you guys around is enough.
“Phii Joe, please don’t be mad at me.”
“…”
Here comes the pleading again.
“But I really can’t say why we came.”
“Fine, I don’t want to know then.” I said with a small sigh, since the junior doesn’t want me to know, then I won’t know.
“Sorry, did I make you feel bad?”
“Not at all.” I gently patted the head of the person in front of me, there’s no need to look so downcast.
“But really, there’s nothing bad, it’s not like it’s something bad.”
“Okay, okay.” I said to calm him down. He seemed anxious, almost like he was afraid I’d be angry. He really cares about my feelings, he pays attention to everything, which surprises me because he always seems so laid-back and not too concerned with others’ business.
“Want to head back?” I asked. He turned to look at Ter as if asking for his opinion. Ter shook his head, indicating no strong opinion either way.
“We can go back then.”
We ended up at Phii Joe’s café, the same one where I and Ter used to work parttime. We were only there for a short while when we got kicked out by the café owner, it seemed like our senior medical students had booked the place for a study session.
I had to study too, finals were coming up. I initially planned to study with the group, so I brought my books along.
Once finals were over, there would be a break, and we’d go to Norway as Phii Joe had mentioned. At first, I was worried my mom wouldn’t allow it, but after Phii Joe talked to her, she agreed easily, just telling us to take care of each other.
Right now, my mind was on seeing the northern lights. I was really looking forward to it.
The gift materials are in Phii Joe’s car, hoping he hasn’t noticed what they are yet.
“Here comes the househusband.” Phii Arthit teased as soon as we walked up to the upper floor of the café, reserved for customers with bookings, so it was just us.
Househusband, what?
“North.” I turned as Ter called me, “Phoon is coming.”
“Oh, to study with you?”
“Probably. What time do you think he’ll get here?”
“Has he left yet?”
“He just did.” Ter said. I pulled out my phone to check the time. It was just past five.
“I bet he’ll be here by ten.” I said. Phoon is like a lost cat, how can someone with a GPS in hand still get lost, and confuse left with right. If you’re meeting him somewhere, you have to account for him getting lost. Phoon himself factors in his own tendency to get lost, like if we plan to meet at nine, he’ll leave his dorm at six in the morning, “And what about Foam? Is he coming?”
“Foam said he’d study on his own.”
“That one’s special.”
“Hey, North, can I talk to you about something?” Ter whispered, then pulled me to a corner where we could sit. The doctors were still talking among themselves, “It’s about Phoon.”
“What about him?”
“With Phii Fah.”
“Huh? What about them?”
“I don’t know, I might be imagining it, but it seems like there’s something…you know, between them. At least, that’s what I’ve observed.”
“Yeah, honestly, I’ve noticed it once too.”
“Really? So I’m not imagining it?”
“Yeah, at the café under the faculty.” I said, recalling the time when Phoon hurriedly left and Phii Fah watched him go.
“We might both be imagining it.” I said, “Have you tried asking him?”
“I’m not brave enough to ask.”
“Why not?”
“It’s sad.”
“How so?” I raised my eyebrows in surprise.
“Phoon’s eyes look sad every time he looks at Phii Fah, it’s too much for my heart.” Ter said, letting out a big sigh, “Not just when looking at Phii Fah, Phoon seems to have something he keeps to himself.”
“Maybe there’s something he can’t tell anyone.” I suggested, “If Phoon doesn’t want to say, we shouldn’t force him to.”
“Yeah, I know, but sometimes you can’t help but worry.” “And why do you look so sad now?” I said, flicking Ter’s forehead lightly. Ter immediately made a face at me, “You can worry. You can be there for Phoon, but you shouldn’t let it consume you. Otherwise, you’ll end up feeling down too. Just be in a place where both you and Phoon feel comfortable, understand?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Just make sure Phoon knows you’re there for him, that’s enough.”
“If you’re sad too, how can Phoon be happy?”
“North…” Ter called my name softly before leaning his head on my shoulder, “Thanks.”
“Why thank me?”
“For everything, really. Having you around makes everything easier for me. Ever since you’ve been advising me about Phii Hill. It’s not just Phii Joe who feels better with you around, but I do too. Phoon, Foam, Dao, or even Nao, Kyu, Kett, you truly are everyone’s positive energy.”
“That’s embarrassing, you ass” I said, turning my face away to hide my blushing.
“Everyone should have their own North.”
“Oh, you’re really laying it on thick.” I said with a chuckle, playfully pushing Ter’s head, “Is this your life’s mission now, to praise me?”
“Got to thank the Dormitory Auntie too, for randomly assigning us to the same room. If I hadn’t met you, things would have been much worse for me.”
“Enough, Ter, I’m going to float away.”
“Are you embarrassed?” Ter teased, gently pinching my cheek, “North.”
“Huh?”
“Do you know, Daotok really likes you?”
“What?” “No, no, like a friend. He asks about you every time you’re not at the club. He says he feels happy when he’s with you. Dao doesn’t have any friends in his department, just us.”
“Really?” I asked, almost not believing it. No friends at all?
“Why? Is he too artsy for science students to understand?”
“You’re just saying that about Dao.” Ter said, lightly hitting my arm, “I don’t know, maybe he finds it hard to open up to others. You know, it took a while for him to even talk to us.”
“Yeah.” I remembered when I first met Daotok, he was normal enough to talk to, but it was clear he was hard to open up. It took a lot of coaxing from Ter to get him to hang out with us, “At first, it was just you and me, then suddenly he’s using ‘mung’ and ‘ku’ with me. Recently, he even called me an idiot, how bold has he gotten.”
“Dao said you’re the first person in his life to use ‘mung’ and ‘ku’ with him.”
“Hmm, should I be proud of that?”
Suddenly, Ter’s phone rang.
“It’s Phoon calling.” Ter said, answering the phone.
“He’s going to say, ‘Ter, I don’t know where I am.’ You believe that?” I teased.
(Ter, where am I? I don’t know.)
There it is. Without missing a beat, the words from the other end of the line made both me and Ter burst out laughing.
“Lost again? I’ve already sent you my location.”
(Ter, I…which part of Chiang Mai am I, Ter?)
“Phoon sounds so panicked.” I remarked.
(Is North with you? Help me.)
“Just check your GPS to see where you are.” (Looking at it. Guys, I’m confused, what’s with all these lines? It doesn’t look like where I am at all, it’s cold and dark here, Ter, North.)
“Why do you sound so pitiful?” I said, feeling a bit sorry for him, and why am I even feeling sorry for Phoon, “Did you take a motorcycle?”
(Yeah, I borrowed it from the roommate next door at the dorm.)
“Phoon riding a bike is the most worrying, I’m telling you.” Ter said.
“Why?”
“He can’t even tell left from right, Phoon, do you know you’re not supposed to park on the road right now? Are you parked on the road?”
(Huh? I can’t park here? I thought no parking was just where there’s a white and red line.)
What a mess…
“It’s dangerous, Phoon, find a proper place to park first.” I said, letting out a big sigh, “Do you even have a driver’s license?”
(I don’t.)
Damn…
Why do you live so recklessly? It’s like nothing’s safe, how have you survived this long?
(It’s raining, Ter, North, it’s raining, and I don’t have a raincoat.)
“Huh, it’s raining?” I asked in surprise. The sky was so clear at noon. I didn’t expect it would rain in the evening. I turned to look outside and saw that it had indeed started to rain; the sky had darkened so much.
(My camera isn’t waterproof.)
“Phoon. Calm down.” I said, suddenly Phoon started shouting, which startled me. The medical students also turned to look because Phoon was loud, and we had the speakerphone on, “And why did you bring your camera?”
(Northhhh)
“You sound like you’re lost again.” I chuckled. Phoon loves his camera because he’s into photography, but he only takes pictures of the sky. I don’t get that part.
“Is something wrong?” Phii Hill asked.
“Phii Hill, Phoon is lost.” Ter said with a worried frown, “And it’s raining, he took the motorcycle.”
“Huh?” Phii Joe turned with a slight look of surprise upon hearing what Ter said, “Tell him to send his location, we’ll pick him up.”
“Phoon, send your location, we’re coming to get you.”
(Who’s coming?) Phoon’s voice asked, with the sound of heavy rain outside.
“Fah.” Phii Joe said, looking over at Phii Fah. This made me and Ter look at each other, as if the medical students knew something they weren’t going to tell us.
But Phii Fah shook his head in refusal, still focused on his book.
“I’ll go.” Phii Hill said, standing up. I saw Phii Hill exhale slightly, “Ter, do you want to come too?”
“Yes.” Ter stood up immediately, “North, can I borrow a jacket for Phoon?”
I nodded in response. Ter grabbed the jacket I had given him earlier in the day.
“Phoon, we’re coming to get you.”
(Are you coming with Phii Hill?)
“Yeah, wait a moment.”
(…Okay) then Ter hung up and followed Phii Hill out.
“Fah.” Phii Joe called Phii Fah again, this time in a lower voice.
“What?”
“I’m the one who should be asking you.”
“I just don’t want to be ignored anymore.”
… Phoon followed Ter up, looking like a drenched kitten, covered by my jacket to protect him from the cold. They both came and sat with me in the same corner. I handed Phoon the towel I had just fetched, and he started wiping his wet hair.
“Just to study, you have to go through all this?” Phoon asked, his voice trembling.
“How did you get here?” I asked.
“I left my motorcycle at a parking place nearby, then got a ride with Phii Hill.” Ter explained, “You shouldn’t have ridden by yourself, we could have picked you up from the start.”
“I didn’t want to be a bother.”
We chatted for a bit, and then it was time to study. I had to go sit with Phii Joe for him to tutor me. Phoon and Ter, being from the same faculty, studied together.
“Ugh.” I slumped forward, resting my cheek on the table, feeling utterly drained. I can’t do this anymore, why is it so hard, “Phii…I can’t take it anymore.”
“Don’t want the PS4 anymore?”
“I do want it, but I’m about to give up.” I mumbled. Phii Joe reached out and ruffled my hair with a hint of annoyance. I scooted closer to him and leaned against his arm.
“What are you doing?”
“Just want to be a bit clingy.” I said. I like being clingy, I’ve been like this since I was a kid. I liked clinging to my mom, my aunt, so naturally, I cling to Phii Joe too, and he doesn’t mind. Plus, I’ve grown to like physical touch because of him.
“Tired and now you’re being cute with me?”
“Yeah, just taking a little break.”
“Smells like diabetes.” Phii Arthit remarked.
“Why? Is there a problem?” Phii Joe asked, “Some people just don’t have it.”
“Arguing again.” “Phii Hill.” Ter brought a question to Phii Hill about Joe’s study. It’s good when you study the same course, huh. They are so skilled, they can tutor everything. I continued reading and occasionally turned to ask Phii Joe questions when I didn’t understand something, and he explained it well.
“Why don’t you just finish your engineering degree if you can handle studying like this?” Phii Arthit, sitting across from us, asked.
“My wife is already studying it.”
Wife?
I think I’m not used to this word yet, can I keep it for now? T^T
“And then you’re stupid enough to study medicine, why?”
“Here comes that question again. I have to study, I’ve come this far.” Phii Joe said, clearly not that fond of studying medicine. He seemed to prefer his part-time work, the subjects are hard, and he doesn’t even like them. If it were me, I would have given up.
“You don’t have to study at all, your wife is already studying.” Phii Arthit’s words made me look up at him in confusion.
“Yeah, better to work and support your wife.”
“Exactly, once your wife graduates, you’ll be set.”
“I won’t have to work, North can do that.” Phii Joe said, chuckling, and Phii Arthit joined in.
“Make sure you support me too.” Phii Joe turned to tell me.
“Phii. If you’re waiting for North to work alone, what will we eat?” I playfully responded, “We might not even have a place to sleep.”
“Such a pitiful life for us.” Phii Joe said, then turned to me and gently patted my head, “I guess I better work then.”
“Study hard, it’s tough for those paying for your education.” Phii Arthit teased. I laughed at Phii Tit’s words. I feel like I’ve grown closer to Phii Arthit and Phii Fah because we meet often, and I play games with Phii Tit too, “I’m too lazy to study, I should just drop out.”
“Hold on a bit longer.” Phii Joe said, “Just four or five more years.”
“Sigh, I feel so much more motivated now, thanks to Joe.”
And so, the playful conversation among the medical students continued alongside their studying, mixing in some fun to keep the stress at bay. I finished my reading and went to hang out with Ter and Phoon as usual. It seems like the medical students’ curriculum is so heavy that they can barely keep up with the reading.
“Phoon, what’s this?” I asked, noticing a book in Phoon’s bag that was open, “Cramming for medicine?”
“North, don’t touch my stuff.” Phoon said, snatching the book back from me.
“Are you planning to reapply for medicine?”
“Yeah.” Phoon answered quietly before putting the book back in his bag.
“Phoon wants to be a doctor.” Ter said.
“Really, that’s awesome, Dr. Phoon.” I teased a bit, then got a hard slap on my arm from Phoon, “Ouch! Why did you hit me?”
“Phoon gets embarrassed when someone calls him Doctor Phoon, oh!” Ter got a light slap, but why was it so gentle with Ter? When it’s me, Phoon swings with full force.
“If you pass, you’d be our junior, right?”
“That’s probably how it’ll be, if I pass.”
“Awesome, good luck, kitty. You’ve got this.”
“Yeah, thanks.”
By the time we finished studying, it was almost 9 PM. I went back to shower and waited for Phii Joe so we could go to bed together. Not long after turning off the lights, overcome by sleepiness and exhaustion from studying, I drifted off easily. I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling like I had only slept for a moment, and found that Phii Joe wasn’t there. Initially, I thought he might have gone to the bathroom, but then I noticed light from outside seeping under my bedroom door, so I went out to check. There was Phii Joe, sitting at the desk.
“Aren’t you going to sleep?” I asked sleepily as I sat down next to Phii Joe.
“Can’t sleep?”
“Yes.”
“Can’t sleep without my hug, huh?”
“…” I made a slightly sulky face upon hearing that. I guess I have to admit that if Phii Joe isn’t hugging me, I really do wake up like this. “Are you reading?”
“Working.”
“You have to work during exam time?” I was feeling very sleepy, my eyes only half open, I guessed they must be puffy by now.
“Urgent work, go back to sleep.”
“No.” I started to act a bit petulant, “I want to stay here.”
“Stubborn.” Phii Joe said before giving my cheek a gentle squeeze.
“I’m not stubborn.” I argued.
“How are you not stubborn? Sneaking out to have fun isn’t considered being stubborn?”
“…” I pouted before leaning closer to him, resting my face against his arm, Phii Joe glanced at me briefly.
“North, you are stuck on me now, you know that?”
“Stuck like glue.” I said, smiling broadly, “Don’t get tired of me, okay?”
“How could I get tired of you?”
“Yeah, because North loves Phii so much.” I said, still groggy from just waking up, so a bit dazed, “So much that even North is scared.” “Hmm, scared of what?” Phii Joe asked, stopping what he was doing to pull me onto his lap, a position he liked because it let us look into each other’s eyes.
“Scared. If you ever get bored, North can’t even imagine how he’d feel.”
“…”
“It’s North’s first time feeling like this. At first, when people warned me about you, North thought he’d be okay with whatever happened, so North loved you without any fear.”
“But now, you feel afraid.”
“I’ve never felt this way before.” I said before resting my face against his chest. I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I’ve never over thought like this before because I feel like I love him so much I’d give up everything for him. But if one day it all falls apart, I don’t know if I’d be able to handle it like I thought I could.
Yes…because I never thought I could love someone this much.
It seems like all my thoughts and feelings go haywire when it comes to Phii Joe. I’m scared he might get angry, scared he might be worried, scared he might get hurt. Where is he now? What is he doing? Has he eaten? In this heat, would he be annoyed? Or is he out in the rain? I worry about everything, even though I’m not usually the type to overthink about others.
But I’ve never looked down on his love for me. I know Phii Joe loves me, and it wouldn’t be right if I just kept worrying that he might leave me. Sometimes, I think everything is just too perfect, so perfect that I secretly think I wouldn’t be able to go on if things changed.
Instead of understanding that everything can change,
I cling to the idea of keeping everything as it is.
Thinking back to the first time I realized I loved Phii Joe, I never tried to stop my feelings either. How could I not love him? How could I not love someone who loves me this much… “North…”
“Yes?”
“Have you ever thought about the future?”
“Uh…yes.”
“What did you think?”
“Just graduate, work as an engineer, save money, have a house, a car, a family.” I said, trying to visualize it, “But we can’t have kids, right? Would you want to adopt?”
“No, I’d rather just be with North, just the two of us.”
“Then we’ll save money, buy a house, buy a car, and live together.”
“I already have those.”
“Really?”
“Whether it’s a house, a car, or money, I can get as much for you as you want.”
“What about your dreams…”
“North, you are my dream…North, you have always been my dream.”
“You’ve never had a dream of what you wanted to be or do?”
“If I hadn’t met you , I probably would have just lived day by day as usual, with a life that meant nothing.”
“Phii…”
“Just having you with me is enough. In the future, no matter what happens, if you want to go somewhere, I’ll take you there. Whatever you want to do, I’ll support you by your side.”
“…”
“If it’s not you, I probably wouldn’t be able to love anyone else for the rest of my life.”
“…” “So…can you stay with me forever?” “Yes.” I promised, before hugging him tighter, “Forever.”
“Phii loves you, North.”
“North loves Phii too.”
The warm embrace made me realize that my fears were meaningless. No need to fear getting hurt. No need to brace myself. No need to be scared that anything would change.
Just love as much as one can possibly love someone in a lifetime.
And…
If ‘forever’ truly exists, I want to spend it with this person.
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