NORTHHOWMUCHISYOURLOVE, Chapter 25 part 1
Chapter 25: Try To Fix You
“Joe, you can’t keep going to see the kid every day and then come here to drink every day like this.” James’s voice rose above the music and chatter in the bar. I didn’t even glance at the person beside me.
“That’s my business.” I said, lifting my glass of alcohol to take another drink, letting the sweet mixture flow down my throat quickly, emptying the glass in seconds, then placing the empty glass on the table and picking up another full one. “Give up, just keep drinking.” Frank, who was sitting at the same table, said, one hand holding a glass of alcohol, the other around a woman’s waist.
I looked at the scene in front of me, which was starting to blur, the table crowded with bottles of various brands of alcohol, mixed together in a chaotic blend, but I no longer cared about the taste.
“Starting to get drunk, huh?” James said, “It takes you so long to get drunk, asshole, we’ll run out of alcohol in this place.”
“The downside of having a strong tolerance, you drink a lot.”
“James, pour.” I said before placing my empty glass in front of him, noticing that all the glasses were empty now. James shook his head slightly.
“Enough already. You’re drinking a lot, do you realize that?”
“Not as much as yesterday.” Frank interjected, “Straight vodka. You’ve got a strong tolerance, Joe.”
“James.” I called his name again to insist he pour more alcohol, and eventually, he relented, opening a new bottle and pouring for me.
“And how did it get this bad?” Frank asked.
“At first, it wasn’t that bad, but later on, North started bringing his girlfriend to play at the shop, and my friend went crazy every day.” James said before sliding the glass of alcohol towards me, “The liquor bill per day, who knows how much. At first, he said he just liked him, and didn’t think it would get this serious.”
Yes…at first, finding out the junior had a girlfriend wasn’t a big deal. I just felt a bit down, thinking I probably didn’t like him that much, but when he started bringing his girlfriend to the shop, every conversation they had, every smile I used to enjoy looking at, became something he gave to someone else.
It seemed like everything the junior tried to do was to make that girl happy.
And I started to think…
Why wasn’t that person me? “Damn, when are they going to break up?” I cursed in frustration because all I could think about was why it wasn’t me there, why it had to be that girl, why did the junior have to have a girlfriend, and why didn’t I even have a chance to approach him?
“While the junior is sitting there being sweet with his girlfriend, cut to the person at the opposite table, sitting there cursing for them to break up.” Frank said with a laugh, “We’re already assholes.”
“Yeah, when did I ever say I was a good person?” I retorted.
“Has the junior been dating his girlfriend for almost two months now?” James asked, “Yeah, almost two months already.”
“But you still meet the junior every day.” Frank raised his eyebrows in question, “Watching him with his girlfriend, it’s pathetic, man.”
“I want to see him, not his girlfriend, but he brings her almost every day.” I said irritably, lifting my glass to drink again and again until my senses began to fade. Today, I drank more than usual because I heard the junior say ‘I love you’ to his girlfriend.
I don’t understand myself either, how could it have gotten this bad?
Does it always hurt like this when you want to be serious with someone?
Why does everything seem so hard?
“You’ve started working with your family, right?” James changed the topic, “What does your dad say about it?”
“He was a bit surprised, but he agreed to teach me the ropes. He said if I’m serious about working, I could go stay with my uncle in LA.” I said, recalling when I told my dad I wanted to try working. My dad was slightly surprised, asked a bunch of questions, and then allowed me to work, but it was really tough. I had just realized how hard it is to work on your own.
“LA, huh? And what are you going to do?” James asked. “I’ll see first. Right now, I don’t want to go.” I said before taking another sip from my glass, “But my dad wants me to go, says I can learn the business quickly there. Maybe I’ll go in the second semester.”
“That’s just a few months away, will you be gone for long?”
“Probably about a year, then I’ll come back to take the university entrance exams.” I explained. Currently, I’m in the first semester of eleventh grade. If I go to LA, I’d be back in time for the second semester of twelfth grade, then prepare for university entrance.
“And what about the kid?” Frank asked, “Right now, you’re a mess, Johan, the handsome one.”
“I don’t know.” I shook my head lightly, placing the empty glass down and picking up another one, while James kept pouring as I asked.
“Get over it.” James said.
“That might be it. It hurts, man. At first, I thought it would be fine, but it hurts like hell. Why does it hurt so much?” I said, frustrated, leaning back on the sofa feeling drained, letting out a small sigh to push away the turmoil in my chest.
“If you think you love someone, you have to prepare for the pain that comes with it. That’s just how it is, Joe, but for someone like you who never intended to really love anyone, it’s hard, I know. That’s why it’s hitting you so hard.” James said, “But I feel for you, for someone who makes you love them this much, why don’t you even get a chance to try for him?”
“Yeah, the kid is just rejecting me outright, asshole.” Frank chimed in, “But it shows he’s someone who loves genuinely. If he broke up with his girlfriend to date you, one day, if someone else came along with the same intensity, he might leave you for them too.”
“Ha, I wouldn’t break up. No matter what, I won’t break up. If anyone messes with him, I’ll kill them all, fuck.” I said angrily. “Brutal even before you’re dating.” James noted.
“Yeah, just let me date him, I’d do anything, I just want him to be with me.” I said.
“Your case is pretty severe, Joe, I must say.” James said, shaking his head slightly in disgust, “Imagine how you’d be when you’re actually dating. How smitten would you be? You’re almost crazy just from this.”
“Does the kid even realize someone is going crazy over his smile?” Frank remarked.
“But that’s all there is to it, damn.” I muttered again in frustration.
Just as Frank said, does the junior have any idea that there’s someone who’s almost going crazy because of his smile? That person is me. I’m practically living and dying for it every day. I’m addicted to the junior’s smile, I really love it when he smiles. After starting work, I feel tired, but seeing him makes things better. Just hearing him chat with friends, listening to what he’s encountered today, seeing that brightness, he’s like my refuge without even knowing it.
“Sometimes you have to give up, Joe, let go. I’m telling you straight, it doesn’t look like they’ll break up easily. The junior seems to love his girlfriend a lot. If you keep being stubborn like this, you’re the one who’ll suffer. Can you handle the pain? Seriously.”
“I can’t.”
“Then the first thing you need to do is stop going to see the junior.”
“…Yeah.”
♣♣♣
I felt a bit surprised not hearing any sound from the table opposite me because usually when I come to the shop, there’s always someone sitting there. Even though I’ve never seen his face because the partition is too high, and if I were to peek, I’d have to stand on my tiptoes, which wouldn’t look good, but the person who sits there every day, on some days when I stay late and everyone else has left, James doesn’t often come out to watch the front, preferring to stay inside. So it’s just the two of us in the shop, at least I feel comforted knowing there’s someone else because I’m scared of ghosts.
There were several times when he shared snacks with me when I complained about being hungry but was too lazy to go out and buy something. He would pass it through the small gap between the tables. I never dared to initiate a conversation or ask him anything, just thanked him for the snacks. I felt like he didn’t want to talk to me for some reason; maybe he found my whining about hunger annoying, like, “Just shut up already.”
And now, if I have to stay alone tonight, what should I do? Usually by ten or eleven, everyone goes home because this area is far from the city, and people here go to sleep early. Unlike in the city where game shops can stay open till morning and still have customers. James’s shop stays open until the last customer leaves.
I have to wait here until ten because that’s when the junior finishes his evening classes. If you ask why I don’t go home and wait, the answer is I want to play games more, there’s no computer at home, and my mom doesn’t mind, she just tells me to take care of myself and my girlfriend, to be a gentleman and look after her.
Today, the person sitting opposite me didn’t come, huh? I even bought snacks to return the favor, but he hasn’t shown up, it’s almost ten. Is he sick, or has he stopped playing games, or maybe he’s playing at another shop now? Does he find me too loud or is he tired of James’s excessive greed with the high hourly rates?
“North, I’m going to buy some glass noodles salad from the shop next door, you want some?” Tae, sitting next to me, asked. I, still playing, turned towards the voice.
“Yeah, get me one bowl.”
“Add chili and onion?” “Put it in, tell Aunt to put everything in, the pan, spatula, the gas stove.”
“How is she going to put it in?” Tae burst out laughing a bit at my words before he left the game shop to buy glass noodle salad from the store in front, which came in small foam cups for us to eat at the game shop.
Suddenly, the computer I was using turned off. When I tried to turn it back on, I found that the code James had given me was no longer working.
“Hey, Ball. Come check this out.” I called over my other friend to look.
“Did the code get rejected?”
“Yeah, what do I do?”
“Ask the shop owner.”
“Okay.” I said, then looked around for James, but he wasn’t there. He must have gone inside with his friends again. I walked towards the hallway where there was a sign saying, “No Outsiders Allowed.”
What should I do? The computer wasn’t working, and James wouldn’t come out. So, I decided to go in. The first thing that stopped me was the strong smell of cigarettes mixed with loud chatter. Was this some kind of gathering spot? The smell of cigarettes mixed with other unfamiliar odors. What were they doing there?
“James.” I called out, peeking into the room. James was sitting on the floor playing guitar, with two or three other friends also sitting around in the spacious room.
“North, what are you coming in for, didn’t the board outside say no outsiders?” James turned to say, but I didn’t pay much attention, walking further into the room, scanning around. I’ve been playing games here for so long but had never been inside the shop like this before.
“What are you looking for? He’s not here.”
“What are you talking about, Phii?” I raised an eyebrow in confusion, sitting down next to James. “The friend I told you about who likes you. No need to look for him.” James said. After I had refused him that day, James talked to me a couple more times. I had started to wonder who it was, but James wouldn’t tell me. Oh well, if he won’t tell, then I guess I don’t need to know, “No outsiders, go out.”
“James, what do you mean by outsider? I’ve been here so often it’s almost like my second home, and you’re still calling me an outsider? Why do you have to exclude me?” I said, feigning a slight pout, “And you play guitar too?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Really? I’m learning to play too.” I said excitedly because recently I’ve been practicing guitar myself, with a friend’s guitar.
“Really? Want to learn from me?”
“Sure, sure.” I answered quickly, forgetting the point of why I was even in this room, then took the guitar from the other person. Three more of James’s friends were sitting on the sofa in the corner of the room. It seemed like James had come here to play guitar alone. No, not alone, there were some small items lying opposite him, “Is someone else here?”
“Yeah, a friend of mine, but he went to the bathroom.” James said, “It’s better this way.”
“Why?”
“Never mind, so, how far have you gone with playing?” James asked.
“Just simple chords, my fingers hurt when I play, some chords I can’t even reach.” I said, making a frustrated face.
“Oh, because you have short fingers.”
“James.” I called him out with a disgusted look, James chuckled a bit at my expression, “Not true, I should be able to reach them one day.”
“Why not try playing the ukulele, North? Your fingers will definitely reach those.” “James, why are you so harsh?” I said, making a sour face at him. James started teaching me various chords quickly, then got me to start playing a song.
“What song do you want? What genre do you like?” James asked while looking for the chords.
“Recently, I’ve been into folk music, I’m feeling really down about life.”
“Down about life? You? Why?”
“I don’t know, just feeling down and annoyed with the girlfriend, we’ve been going through a rough patch lately.” I blurted out because it’s something that’s been bothering me recently.
“Tell me more.” James turned to ask with interest immediately, “Hand me the guitar, don’t play yet, tell me first.”
“Why are you so curious?”
“You can call me a nosy bastard if you want, but I want to know, spill it.”
“Oh, James…” I liked that he admitted to being nosy, “I don’t know, we’ve been dating for over two months now, right? When we were just talking and flirting, it wasn’t for long, so I guess we didn’t really know each other’s personalities well. She doesn’t seem very okay with me being around her.”
“Not okay? How so?”
“She doesn’t seem very happy with me by her side. She’s always overthinking, suspecting I might be interested in someone else, starting to become more selfish, like she’s constantly worried. I don’t mind that, but she really doesn’t seem comfortable when I’m with her. We argue sometimes about me coming to the game shop, she tells me to quit playing games, that I’m grown up now.”
“Hey, why treat my regular customers like this? If there’s no you, how would my shop survive? A part of your shop’s profit comes from us, you know.”
“Wow, that really shows how often I come.” I chuckled slightly at James’s words.
“So, what’s next?” “Some days, she says she’s too tired from studying, doesn’t want to see me…which I understand, she’s tired. But if possible, I’d rather be the one to help her feel less tired, like I could be her resting place.”
“Feeling like you’re not needed by her, huh?”
“Guess so, it seems like having me around doesn’t make things better for her at all.” I said, giving a wry smile to the other, “I used to think that if I had a girlfriend…”
“Think what?”
“There’s this one song I absolutely love. I want to share it with someone who feels better just because I’m there. Someone who wants me by their side when they’re tired. No matter what they’ve been through each day, no matter how bad it might be, I will try to help them.”
“…” James went quiet, as if intently waiting to hear what I was saying.
“But with my girlfriend, it’s nothing like that, Phii. It feels like I can’t help her at all, even though I’ve tried everything.” I said softly, “It’s like I’m not meant to be there, like I’m not the person she needs, somehow.”
“…”
“So I just keep thinking, yeah. It would be nice if there was someone who really wanted me to be with them.”
“What song?”
“Huh?”
“The song you mentioned, the one you want to play for that person.”
“Fix You by Coldplay.”
“Oh…that song, yeah, it’s really good, touches on every part, doesn’t it?”
“Exactly, the light will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.” I quoted my favorite part, but truthfully, I like every part of the song. From the beginning to the end. That’s why I said if there was someone who felt that way about me, I’d want to dedicate this song to them.
But with Jaja…it’s not like that at all.
But what can I do? I already love her.
“Is what you said true? If there’s someone who feels better having you by their side, someone who sees you as a place to rest when they’re tired, would you really want to play this song for them?”
“Yes, of course, and I would do what the song says too, but forget about it. I have a girlfriend now.”
“Hmm, that’s too bad.” James said, letting out a small sigh, “But North, you said it yourself, right? About someone feeling that way.”
“Yes, why?”
“Nothing. If you say that, I bet this song will become someone’s favorite soon.”
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse…?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
…
“Someone who feels better because I’m there. Someone who wants me by their side.”
“Someone who needs me to be with them when they’re tired.”
“Whatever they face each day, no matter how bad it is, I’ll try to help them…”
“It’s you, Joe, the person the junior wants to play this song for, it fits you perfectly.” James reiterated, from that evening when I wasn’t in the room because I had gone to the bathroom. When I came back, I saw the junior sitting with James. At first, I thought I’d just ignore it and go sit on the sofa instead, but I was caught by the sentence about having issues with his girlfriend.
“The junior said things aren’t going well with his girlfriend?” Frank asked for clarification.
“I heard that, the junior wants someone who needs him, but his girlfriend doesn’t seem to be like that.”
“Yeah, and here this idiot is, saying he’d cut his feelings off, not go see the junior, it’s been two nights and there’s no improvement.” Frank said, “Now with the junior saying stuff like this, look at you, you’re back to getting drunk again.”
“The junior keeps asking about the person who always sits opposite him, asking if he’s not coming anymore, and now who will keep him company late at night.” James said, “He brings snacks every day, just in case you come back and he can return the favor.”
“Sigh, why ask about it? It’s already hard as hell to get over him, you animal.” I said in frustration, another day where I had to sit and drink like this. During the time I didn’t see him, it wasn’t easy dealing with school, work, feeling tired, wanting to see him, hear his voice, see his smile, and especially today…
If he were by my side, it’d be like the song he mentioned he wanted me to listen to.
“This song, he didn’t give it to you directly, but look, you’re the person who wants him to be by your side and feels better when he’s there. Wow, it’s clear as day.” James emphasized again, “I feel sorry for you, man, for real.”
“Why?” I asked back.
“You need him by your side, and he needs someone who wants to be with him. You two are like, perfectly matched, but damn, you missed each other by just a step, Joe. Why, man, why, you bastard?” James said angrily, lightly kicking the table.
“James, calm down.” Frank chided, “When it comes to Joe and the kid, it’s just full of ‘whys’, why, why, I’m so over it.”
“And how are you holding up, Joe?” James turned to ask me.
“It’s shit, it’s the worst, especially with this song, I want him by my side even more.” I said, frustrated with myself.
“I think, Joe.” Frank spoke up, “Just go after him and persuade him to have sex with you. For someone like you, you can do it. Or at least talk to his girlfriend a bit, she might break up with him anyway. Trust me.”
“Frank, you asshole.” James turned to scold.
“I’ve thought about it.” I admitted. I really had thought about it. Since I was just late, why don’t I even have the right to try? “But I won’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“If I did that, wouldn’t the one who’d be most hurt be him?”
Because I love his smile so much.
I don’t want it to go away.
And so…my first attempt at moving on was a failure.
The song, “Fix You” by Coldplay.
When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
When you’ve tried your hardest, but it doesn’t work out
When you get what you want, but it’s not what you need
When you’re utterly exhausted, but you can’t fall asleep
Stuck with failure
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
And tears stream down your cheeks
When you’ve lost something irreplaceable
When you love someone, but your love is of no value
Could anything be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
The lights will lead you back home
And ignite the fire within you
And I will try to mend you
After that, for nearly a month, my life kept revolving around the same routine: waking up early to meet the junior at the tofu shop before school, meeting him again at the game shop in the evening, and ending the day at the bar. Lately, though, I’ve cut back on the drinking because I have to work with my family.
“Call us sometimes.” James said as we were celebrating my departure to LA, where my dad wanted me to intern with my uncle for about a year. I was supposed to board the plane tomorrow.
“Sure.” I promised.
“Honestly, I think it’s perfect for you to go there. I know you’re not planning to heal or anything, but some distance might do you good.” Rong said, blowing out a cloud of gray smoke.
“Yeah, I agree.” James added, handing me a freshly poured drink, “The LA thing is perfect, did your dad force you?” “Not really.” I answered, “He just wants me to go.”
“Hmm, that’s good.” James said, taking a sip from his glass, “Seriously, I think you should be done with this guy. At first, I thought if you couldn’t move on, you should just keep waiting. But like this, I don’t think you can wait anymore. Not only are you in deep, but it doesn’t look like they’ll break up easily. For all we know, they might not break up at all.”
“Umm.” I responded, then took a cigarette from the pack, placed it between my lips, and lit it with a lighter.
“But I respect you, Joe. While you were waiting for him, you didn’t flirt with anyone else.” Frank said, “From someone who never slept with the same girl twice, to not having sex anyone for months, if I were him, I’d be ecstatic.”
“I don’t know.” I shook my head slightly, “Once I realized I was waiting for him, I didn’t want to mess around with anyone else.”
“If you’re going to wait, then don’t be with anyone else. But if you’re going to move on, then it’s not wrong to be with someone else, right?” James chimed in.
“I don’t want to wait anymore.” I said, taking a drag from my cigarette, feeling the coolness spread through my throat before exhaling a gray cloud, “It hurts, it really hurts like hell.”
If I had to wait, I think I could wait. No matter how long.
I just need to know how long I’ll have to wait.
Not this aimless waiting.
“Just keep waiting. See how serious he is.” James said, cursing in frustration, “He once said he wanted to get married, for real, ask yourself, my friend might die of liver cirrhosis before that happens.”
“Yeah.” I agreed, the cigarette making me feel even more drunk because I’m someone who doesn’t get drunk easily. When I want to get drunk enough to forget everything, I smoke and drink. “Smoke more, you’ll be totally plastered today.” Frank said, “A farewell before heading to LA?”
“Probably.”
“Yeah, give it your all, tomorrow we’ll carry you to the airport ourselves.” James said. I nodded, then raised my glass to drink again, not sure how many times.
“James…” I called out to the person sitting nearby in a low voice, as the room started to blur, indicating I was getting drunk.
“Huh?”
“James, take care of the junior for me.”
“Is that the talk of someone who said he’d let go?”
Going to LA exposed me to many things I’d never encountered before, from studying to working, to new social circles. I enjoyed exploring new places, going out more than I did in Thailand. This was another attempt at moving on for me, and it led me back to my old, less admirable ways before I met the junior.
Yes…for some people, when it’s impossible, it really should just end.
♣♣♣
I looked at the bag of soy milk and Chinese donuts next to me with a sense of disappointment. It was almost time to close up, but the uncle who drove the Ferrari hadn’t come. Usually, he’d come every day, albeit a bit late, so I always saved a set for him.
“Isn’t that uncle coming to our shop anymore?” I asked casually while the shop owner was beside me, packing up other things.
“Help me pack up. He stopped coming because you made it too sweet for him.”
“Really? It wasn’t that sweet. I tasted it.” I said, making a sour face at myself. After that uncle kept saying he didn’t want it sweet, I started to wonder if it was really sweet. I put in less syrup now, and if I don’t add any at all, it wouldn’t taste good. “He hasn’t come for a month now, maybe he’s cheating on us and buying from another shop.” I asked the person beside me.
“Maybe. Did he go to the shop behind the market? He might have found someone who suits him better.”
“What? Why would he cheat like this? I’m so disappointed.” I grumbled in regret, got up to help the shop owner close the shop, and ate the set of soy milk and donuts instead. My school isn’t very strict; we line up for the flag ceremony around 8:30, and since the school is close to the market, I could easily walk to school after closing up.
And after drinking this soy milk, I realized…soy milk with less sugar isn’t tasty at all. Why did he always order it without sugar?
Besides the uncle who used to come every day for soy milk, the person who sat at the opposite table at the game shop has also disappeared again. After being gone for a while, when he came back, I had the chance to return the snacks, but now he’s gone again.
“How’s it going with your girlfriend?” James asked while punching my game shop card, “How many months has it been?”
“Oh, six months, half a year now.” I said, recalling that we had just celebrated our six-month anniversary with dessert. The girls are nice, caring about little things like how many months we’ve been together.
“Everything okay now? You said at first she wasn’t really paying attention to you.”
“Yeah, it’s okay now.” I said truthfully. Me and my girlfriend, we understand each other better now. Everything is going well.
“Really? That’s good.” James smiled and handed me the loyalty card, “What time will you leave today?”
“Ten PM as usual, got to pick up my girlfriend.” I said. “Nice, I’ve got some errands outside today. If everyone else has left by ten, and I’m the last one, please lock up the shop for me.” James requested. As I mentioned, by around ten, everyone else starts leaving. James won’t be here, leaving me alone in the shop for sure.
“How can you be the shop owner like this?” I sighed, “Then I might as well go home. I don’t want to be alone.”
“Hey, North. Come on, just do it. Since you’re free, I’ll give you two hundred.”
“Wow, tempting me with two hundred?”
“Five hundred then.”
“James, I’ll definitely stay until ten.” I grinned widely, accepting the five hundred.
“Same as always. We’ll play on the counter computer instead. Anyone who comes to play, just take their details and give them the code, and make sure to charge correctly.” James reiterated. Besides being a regular customer, I come so often that the owner trusts me to watch the shop.
“Got it. I’ve looked after the shop so often people think I’m the owner now.” I said. Being alone always made me think of the person who used to sit across from me at the table.
It wasn’t until I reached the second semester of eleventh grade, the uncle who drives the Ferrari came back for soy milk. I was quite surprised to see the same Ferrari that hadn’t been around for almost a year parked on the opposite side of the road. Then the uncle walked over to order the unsweetened soy milk as usual, emphasizing several times that he didn’t want it sweet.
“You’ve been gone for a long time, huh?” I teased lightly while scooping soy milk into a bag.
“Oh, the young master was studying abroad.” the uncle said with a smile. “The young master? Ah, you’re buying it for someone else?” I asked, it’s my habit to chat with people, though I’m not sure why. There weren’t any other customers at the moment either, “I thought you were buying it for yourself.”
“No, it’s for the young master. He’s waiting in the car.”
“Ah.” I nodded in understanding. I thought so, with such an expensive car, it must mean they’re very wealthy, “Doesn’t the young master like sweet stuff? I’ve been practicing making it less sweet too, just enough syrup to make it tasty.”
“That’s good. The young master doesn’t like sweet things.”
“And he just came back from abroad?”
“Yes, just the other day.”
“Oh…if that’s the case, welcome back then. Here, I’ll throw in some extra donuts.” I said with a wide smile, adding more donuts to the bag.
“…”
“No need to pay. It’s on me. Please tell your young master that I’m glad to have him back, he’s been gone for so long, why leave without a word? I’ve been saving the last bag for him every day, waiting for him to come back.”
…
“Did he say that?” I asked before glancing at the soy milk and donuts in my hand.
“Yes.”
I sighed slightly while looking out through the car window, thinking all the time that the nearly one year in LA would help me get over the junior. But many times while I was there, I found myself missing him subtly, especially when facing tough situations. I often thought about what he would do, what he would think about this.
I admit, not seeing each other for a long time did make me forget a bit.
But when I saw him again…
“Did you fall off the wagon?” James said as he picked up a donut from the bag to eat, “What’s this, you go to LA for a year, and the first time you see the junior…” “Hearing ‘waiting everyday for you to come back’, that killed my friend.” Frank teased before laughing and grabbing a donut too, “Hey, these are good.”
“Damn, what the hell, all my efforts for a whole year.” I said, sighing again. The junior’s words kept echoing in my head.
“Why leave without a word…waiting everyday for you to come back.”
Damn…
“Take it easy. You’re just confused.” James tried to console, “The junior just sees you as a regular customer.”
“James, you…even I would be swayed, someone you’re super into, you try to let go, but they tell you they’ve been waiting for you every day, it’s disorienting.” Frank said, “Especially at the game shop, the junior’s waiting for you.”
“Fate.” I cursed, not in the best mood.
“It’s good, it’s pitiful, is it the smile or the weed? I’m asking seriously, what has my friend become so addicted to?” James said, “Or did North do something to my friend?”
“Yeah, or maybe the junior did something to me.”
“Hold on, what’s with accusing the junior of doing something when you’re the one who got hooked on him?”
“Isn’t that right, Frank? Damn it.” I cursed in frustration again. James and Frank exchanged a brief look before both sighed.
“I bet you’re stuck in the same loop.” James said.
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