NORTHHOWMUCHISYOURLOVE, Chapter 19 part 1
Chapter 19: A Bad Liar
“…”
I didn’t say anything, letting the sound of the rain cover everything, drowning out even the sound of my own heartbeat, but I could still feel how strong it was beating. The person next to me didn’t say anything either.
I took a small breath before deciding to voice something that was on my mind.
“I already think about this thing I am doing with you, you know.”
My words made Phii Johan look back at me again, his expression unreadable.
“But I think…it would be better if we could be together.”
“If you feel like you’re shouldering everything alone, I’ll be right there beside you.”
“So…can you try to cut down on smoking?”
“…” “I’m worried about you.”
As I said this, my heart was beating even stronger. It was quite dark here since the balcony light was off, only the light from inside the room seeping through the curtains. I hoped the dimness would hide my embarrassed demeanor from his gaze. I didn’t even dare to turn and look at his expression.
“What did you say again?”
Phii Johan’s words made me turn back to look at him, a slight smirk on his lips, looking somewhat pleased.
Phii…
Is that…?
“If you want to ask for something, what should you do in return?”
With that sentence, I instantly understood its meaning.
And I knew I couldn’t escape or avoid it now. My heart was still pounding hard, and it seemed to be beating even harder. I took a few steps closer to him, then stopped, looking up at him who hadn’t spoken further.
I stood on my tiptoes as our faces got closer. I closed my eyes instinctively, and before I could do anything more, one of his strong arms pulled me closer, lifting me slightly before pressing his lips onto mine, the faint smell of cigarette smoke from him reaching me.
Suddenly being pulled in, I was startled enough to open my eyes briefly, catching sight of the red glow from the cigarette being extinguished. His hand that held the cigarette let it drop carelessly, and then both hands lifted me until I was off the ground, not breaking the kiss.
“Ah!” I gasped in surprise as my feet left the floor. Phii Johan lifted me and placed me on a high table used for storage. I only then noticed there was a table there, high enough that my feet didn’t touch the ground, which brought our eyes to the same level. The kiss deepened, and soon his warm tongue met mine, exploring thoroughly. I responded to the touch, squeezing my eyes shut, gripping his shirt tightly. One of his hands pressed the back of my neck, pulling me closer as if we weren’t close enough.
I heard the voices of others in the room, fully aware that only a glass door and curtains separated us from them, but my mind went blank. I couldn’t think, could only let my heart race as if it might burst, feeling heat spread across my chest. Phii Johan wrapped both arms around my waist, drawing me even closer.
“Ugh.” I let out a sound as Phii Johan’s kiss intensified, pressing and nibbling on both my upper and lower lips. My arms and legs felt like all strength was being siphoned away, embarrassing sounds escaping as his warm breath lingered around my cheeks and ears, making me feel even hotter despite the rain outside or the cool atmosphere.
I was breathing heavily, not understanding the fluttering sensation in my lower abdomen, only aware that my heart felt like it was about to explode. The warmth from his touch only grew, as if Phii Johan would not stop easily. The intense kiss lasted for nearly ten minutes or maybe longer.
No matter how fast I was breathing, it felt like I couldn’t catch my breath, like I was drowning. I tried to push the other person away to make him stop, and Phii Johan withdrew the kiss willingly, but his eyes remained fixed on my lips as if he didn’t want to look away, and once again, I couldn’t meet his gaze.
I was breathing heavily, both through my nose and mouth, and as with every time, even after we had stopped kissing, the sensation lingered, the feeling on my lips and inside, it felt like I was still being kissed by him. I pressed my lips together slightly to chase away the numbness, secretly wiping my lips when I felt they were too swollen.
“…” I flinched slightly when Phii Johan raised his hand, using his thumb to gently press on my lips, and what made me more flustered was the way those eyes looked at me.
They said everything…
We stared at each other for a while, the backdrop being the curtain of rain, the dim light from inside casting over us, before the person in front of me slowly leaned down to kiss me gently again. I closed my eyes, letting my hands fall to my sides, when our hands touched, Phii Johan turned his hand to hold mine, pressing his lips there for a moment before pulling away.
Phii Joe glanced at me briefly. No one spoke after that, and then he lifted me off the high table, leading the way to the balcony door. I followed slowly after regaining some of my composure.
When we walked back into the room, almost every pair of eyes turned to look at us, except Phii Arthit and Phii Hill who seemed uninterested, and Ter, who was sitting next to Phii Hill, looked at me and then quickly averted his gaze.
Ter…how many times have I told you not to do this, it makes me even more embarrassed, T^T
“Guess the pack of cigarettes is empty now.” Phii Arthit teased without looking away from his phone screen. Phii Johan shrugged indifferently before sitting back down.
“Tit, do you have that with you?” Phii Joe asked. I went to sit next to Phii Joe because I didn’t know where else to sit. I couldn’t sit in my original spot with Ter, as he was with his partner.
“What?”
“Nicotine gum.” “Oh, yeah, got it.” Phii Arthit looked up to answer, “Do you want some?” “Can I have some?” Phii Johan’s response made Phii Arthit reach into his bag, rummage for something, and then pull out some kind of package, tossing it to Phii Johan, who caught it.
“Are you quitting?” Phii Fah, who was sitting across from them and next to Phii Arthit, asked.
“Hmm, does this help?”
“Look at Arthit, he carries them every day, but only smokes two or three a day. The best way is to quit cold turkey like Hill.” Phii Fah said.
“Trying is helping a bit, you might not want it much.” Phii Arthit added, “But I still want to smoke, man.”
“Yeah.” Phii Johan replied, pulling out something from a pack and popping it into his mouth. He told me it was nicotine gum, which I assumed was for quitting smoking.
So, Phii Joe intends to quit smoking…
Because I asked him to?
I’m so happy.
Even if he hasn’t completely quit yet, just thinking about it is good.
“Did the little one ask you to quit?” Phii Fah raised an eyebrow, looking at me.
“Yeah.” Phii Joe answered while chewing the gum, then grimaced slightly, “It’s not tasty, bastard.”
“Gum doesn’t really help that much. Just quit abruptly like Hill.” Phii Fah repeated, “Yeah, but it must be hard. You smoke more than Hill.”
“Right, Hill doesn’t smoke as heavily as us.” Phii Arthit said, “How’s it chewing?”
“Tastes like dog food.” Phii Joe remarked, “But it’s good for a direct nicotine hit. Didn’t even finish a cigarette earlier.” “It’s just another way of getting nicotine. It’s just less likely to give you lung cancer.” Phii Fah explained, “It would be better if you also reduced your workload. Otherwise, you’ll die first.”
“I know already.”
“Know what?”
“Let’s see first.”
“Okay.” Phii Fah nodded in disgust, then Phii Hill returned to his seat, signaling the end of the break. It was time to continue studying. I went back to sit with Ter. It was past nine, almost midnight. They had planned to meet at eight to study for hours, with just a fifteen-minute break, but I overheard that there wasn’t much content left to cover. We could probably leave by one.
“North, you’re really not going to tell Phii Joe?” Ter asked as we were lounging around. I was in a half-sitting, half-lying position, wanting to sleep but couldn’t because of the hanging chair.
I was feeling dizzy…
And it was getting worse.
“I won’t tell.” I replied.
“Why? Are you worried?”
“No, I feel…I’ve lost a bet.” I answered according to how I felt. I had bragged earlier that I never get a cold from the rain. I was also quite surprised. I’ve never gotten a cold from being in the rain.
It must be because that bastard Nao sneezed right in my face.
The most evil person…
T^T, I have to get sick because someone sneezed in my face!
“How do you feel right now?” “Dizzy, maybe I’m just hungry.” “Really? You look sick, your face and lips are so red.” Ter remarked, “Wait, or is your face and lips red because…” He deliberately left the sentence unfinished, giving me a teasing smile.
“Ter, stop teasing.” I said, making a face at him.
“Tell Phii Joe you have a headache.”
“No, it might just be nothing.” I shook my head in denial.
“Hey, hey, North, I almost forgot, just now…Oh, I’m embarrassed, hold on.” Ter seemed excited as if he just remembered something, “Do you use Instagram? I think you should see it for yourself, oh man, my heart can’t take it.”
“Instagram?” I echoed, thinking, “I haven’t used it in a while, but I have an account, why?”
“Have you ever checked out Phii Joe’s Instagram?”
“No, I don’t even use it, why?”
“Check it out, damn, I feel embarrassed just thinking about it.” Ter said before wriggling in embarrassment and giving me a light tap to vent his embarrassment, “It’s just…shit, I can’t handle this anymore. I’m done shipping.”
“What is it? Show me.” I asked, before Ter gave me Phii Joe’s Instagram handle. What could it be? Just show it to me and that’s it. I opened my Instagram; I’m not someone who likes to post much on social media, I only post occasionally, but when I was with Jaja, I posted a lot because she said it was a space for memories. When we were together, went out or ate something, I’d take pictures and post them. More than ninety percent of my Instagram space was filled with Jaja’s photos, with the other ten percent being random stuff. After breaking up with Jaja, I had to go through and delete most of the pictures, so now there are only a few left. After that, I just let it go idle.
“It’s a private account.” I said, showing my phone screen to Ter. The profile picture was a small black and white image, so small you couldn’t tell if it was Phii Joe, and the bio was almost empty. I guessed Phii Joe would be too lazy to fill it out. There were only thirty-five posts. At first, I thought he would have more followers, but because it’s private, if it wasn’t private, he’d definitely have a lot more followers.
“Really? Then I’ll show you.” Ter said, tapping on his phone screen, then showing it to me, “This is the latest picture on Phii Joe’s Instagram.”
It was a picture of me…
It was a photo of me standing with my back to the camera in Phii Johan’s kitchen. I was cooking at that time, wasn’t I? The shirt in the photo is the same one I’m wearing now, which means it was taken when I was cooking earlier in the evening, and Phii Joe was sitting at the table behind me.
The image was black and white, slightly blurred, as if it wasn’t taken with much intention. Plus, it was from behind, making it hard to recognize who it was.
I scrolled down to look at the caption beneath the photo, which was just one emoji.
A dog emoji.
Phii Johan posted a picture of me!?
And he called me…
A dog?
Me?
Does he see me as a dog? T^T
“Phii Johan’s little dog, huh?” Ter teased with a mocking smile. I looked at him with annoyance but didn’t reply, my mind focused on the image on the phone screen. Honestly…it’s quite touching.
But I’m happy. And I like it too. The fact that he posted my picture means a lot. At the very least, it shows he’s not afraid to let others know about my existence, and then there’s the cigarette thing from earlier…
Damn, don’t make me like you even more…
Why does one person have to be so good for my heart…
“You’re smiling sweetly.” Ter teased again, himself smiling broadly.
“It’s cute. Look, this is the only photo of you as a person, the rest are all views or objects.” Ter said, handing the phone back to me after scrolling through more. I took the phone from him.
The latest picture was of me, holding a glass of liquor that Ter had once shown me.
Yes…the picture holding the liquor glass with the caption, “Anxious.”
It matched the time when I was secretly working at the bar and didn’t reply to his messages…Was he anxious because I was gone then?
It’s true.
I’m really happy he was worried, but I also feel guilty for lying at that time…
As for the other pictures, just like Ter said, they were mostly landscapes, various objects. Some landscape photos clearly weren’t taken in Thailand, but there was no indication of who he went with. He didn’t even have a single selfie, and my picture was the first one of a person.
“This one’s beautiful.” I said, showing the phone to Ter. It was a picture taken from inside a coffee shop, looking out at a beautiful street and buildings, seeming like an old part of some city.
“Where is that? Oh, it’s beautiful, looks like a place worth visiting.” Ter said, looking at the phone screen, “Does Phii Joe travel abroad often?”
“Probably.” I said. There were several photos with check-ins, Boston, Miami, London, LA, but I think he’s been to even more places than what’s shown in the pictures. “Oh, speaking of traveling.” I said as I remembered.
“Huh?”
“Do you have any travel plans?” I asked. Phii Joe said to think about where I’d like to go, but I’m not sure where to suggest. If I ask for somewhere far away, I’m not sure if it would be too much trouble or not.
“I’m planning to go to Japan with Phii Hill during the break, already got permission from home.” Ter said, “Why? What about you? Going somewhere with Phii Joe?”
“Yeah, Japan.” If I were to go abroad for the first time, Japan would definitely be one of the top choices, “I want to go, it would be nice to go together, go on dates, and remember, I have another boyfriend, don’t forget.”
“Pfft. You always have this, have you asked the owner for permission yet, little dog?” Ter said, gently patting my head with an affectionate look, as if I really were a dog. I looked back at him with narrowed eyes.
“I’ll bite you.”
“You’re fierce, so you admit you’re a dog now?”
“Ha, and this break is after the finals, right?”
“Yeah, are you really going?” Ter raised an eyebrow in question.
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