NORTHHOWMUCHISYOURLOVE, Chapter 18 part 2
We encountered a bit of traffic, but since it was a motorcycle, it was more convenient. Phii Joe didn’t drive as fast as last time, seeming to take extra caution because the road was slippery.
I found myself clinging tightly to the person in front out of fear. Even though it wasn’t as fast as before, it was still fast for me, especially with the rain making everything more nerve-wracking. The raincoat wasn’t waterproof, and the heavy rain soaked through to the inside. I was like a drowned rat now, and with Phii Joe not wearing a raincoat, how cold must he be feeling from the wind of the ride? Eventually, we stopped under Phii Johan’s condo. I initially thought he would drop me off at my dorm, but thinking about it, that wouldn’t make sense. It would be too much trouble for him to drop me off at the dorm and then return to his condo.
I, looking like a drowned puppy, and Phii Johan, who looked like he stepped out of a rainy day fashion shoot, were quite the contrast. He casually ran his hand through his wet hair, which looked incredibly good, almost envy-inducing, like he belonged in a magazine. Once inside, the condo owner turned on the lights and tossed a towel to me.
“Go take a shower.” he threw some clothes for me to change into.
“Uh, you can shower first.” I said, thinking Phii Joe should go first since he was the one driving and got more wet.
“You shower, or we shower together?”
“…”
“Okay, I’ll shower first.” I said, quickly retreating into the bathroom. Shower together? No way! After my shower, I came out and sat on the sofa, waiting until he finished his.
“Phii, have you had dinner yet?” I asked.
“No, why?”
“I’ll make some…I can cook. I haven’t had dinner either.” I offered, remembering the time I looked in the fridge and saw some fresh ingredients. I guessed it might have been the housekeeper or someone who bought them, because someone like Phii Joe probably wouldn’t think to stock fresh food in the fridge. I can really cook since my aunt runs a food stall and I’ve helped out, but baking is a different story. Just look at the cake that scored two out of twenty-five.
And then,
“Sure.” With permission, I walked into the kitchen area, checking the fridge to see what I could make.
“Is there anything special you want to eat?”
“Anything is fine.” Phii Johan leaned against the doorway watching me, then came over to help by reaching for items on the high shelf that I couldn’t reach. I nodded slightly in thanks, and then Phii Joe went to sit at the dining table.
“I just found out what kind of company your family’s business is, Phii Prang told me.” I said, “It’s really close to home.” I continued, speaking while preparing the food.
“What did she say?”
“That it is an electronics equipment company. I already knew about it, the professors mention it a lot. Everyone in our faculty wants to work there.”
“And you?”
“Huh. Me?” I raised an eyebrow, surprised, turning to look back at him. “Yeah, I’d like to, but I don’t think I’ll make it.”
“Why?”
“Your company sets the grade requirement too high. Like over three-pointsomething. I’m not sure if I’ll even reach a three in my entire academic life.”
“Hmm.” Phii Johan didn’t seem surprised, “If your grades aren’t up to par, you can’t intern there. Better focus on not getting retired from the university first.”
That stings…T^T
Retirement here means…being asked to leave if your GPA doesn’t meet the minimum, and I feel like I’m at risk of that every day, T^T.
“Is studying hard?” Phii Joe asked. I felt a bit odd that he was the one asking me first, and with such a straightforward question.
“Yeah, it’s hard for me.” I replied. “What about you?”
“Hmm, it’s hard.” “And about the work in Boston? The two weeks, is it about meeting clients?” I turned back to continue preparing the food. I was thinking of making something simple like crispy pork with kale, but, wait, where’s that simple? Let’s just make egg fried rice. It’s decent, and at worst, it’s just bland if not tasty, as long as I don’t burn it.
“Did Phii Prang tell you that?”
“Yeah, she told me everything, including company secrets. I might sell it.”
“…”
“What an idiot.”
“Phii Prang?”
“You.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle a bit at our conversation. Even though Phii Joe didn’t seem that cheerful, it wasn’t bad either. I felt proud of my nicely yellow omelette before I served it on the table.
“And the rice?”
Oh no.
I forgot to cook the rice.
T^T
“Forgot?”
“Yes.” I admitted readily, went back to search for the rice cooker and the rice in the lower cabinet, and quickly started cooking.
“You forget everything, don’t you?” Phii Johan said, resting his chin on his hand with a tone of exasperation, “Forget your wallet, forget to pay the dorm fees, tuition fees.”
“…”
And most recently, I forgot Duennao’s car key. I remembered this when my phone screen showed Nao calling. I guessed he must be calling to ask for his key back, so I answered right away, stepping slightly out of the kitchen area. There was nothing else to do except wait for the rice to cook.
By the time the rice was done, the omelette would be cold, T^T
(North, I came to the gym to find you, why weren’t you there?) The first thing I heard when I answered was Duennao yelling in annoyance, and I could still hear the rain from his end of the line, indicating he had gone through the rain to find me at the gym.
“Nao, I’m sorry, truly from the heart, I’m back now. I apologize, please forgive me.”
(See, I used to think your brain was full of sawdust, but now I know there’s nothing in there, you forget everything.)
“Nao, don’t scold too harshly, I feel guilty, I’m about to stab myself with a knife.”
(And what now? Where are you? At your dorm? I’ll come to you.)
“I’m at Phii Joe’s condo.”
(Alright, what should I do if my key is sleeping with your husband?)
“Come get it, I’ll bring it down. Or you can wait until tomorrow.”
(If I wait until tomorrow, my bike won’t be there anymore, yeah, I’m coming, send me the location, and don’t send me dolphin pictures, you beast, or whale pictures, or penguin pictures, I don’t want any of that.)
“Hey, why do you have to block me?”
(Is it time to be annoying? Don’t let me catch you, bastard)
“Okay, I won’t let you catch me. Don’t you need the keys then?”
(Fuck, you asshole, North)
“Got scared, huh, why are you so hot-headed?”
(Yeah, whatever, send me your location)
“Blocking by asking for the location?” (Yeah) and then Duennao hung up. I held back a small laugh at Duennao’s temper. I didn’t mean to do it, really, but if I don’t hurry back, it’ll get late. It’s already nine, and the rain hasn’t stopped.
“My friend’s coming.” I went back into the kitchen, “Just to pick up some stuff, I’ll take it down to him.” I told Phii Johan beforehand. Phii Joe didn’t say anything, just nodded slightly, his attention focused on his phone. I caught a glimpse of numbers lined up like a chart. Phii Joe seemed to notice me looking and pulled me onto his lap.
Wait…what?!
“What are you looking at?” he asked while one hand wrapped around my waist. The other held his phone.
“What are those?” I asked.
“Stocks.”
“Wow…” I said, slightly amazed. It’s not surprising that Phii Joe would deal with stocks, but I was just astounded by the complexity of it all; it’s something I never understood, even when explained by friends.
“Hmm, you don’t need to understand.”
I looked at his phone screen, still not comprehending, as he tapped here and there, trying to read but making no sense of it, filled with numbers and English terms. Then I heard the rice cooker beep, and Phii Joe released his arm.
I scooped the rice into a bowl and placed it on the table. During the meal, we didn’t talk much, as Phii Joe seemed preoccupied with his stocks. After we finished eating, I put the dishes in the sink, and right then, Nao called.
“I’ll go down to meet my friend for a moment.” I told him before heading downstairs. I saw Tiger on his shiny black bike with Nao riding on the back. I walked up to them, and they both gave me looks of utmost surprise.
“What?” I asked. “You’re really not just anyone, huh?” Tiger said.
“Even the clothes you’re wearing are his, huh?” Nao teased a little before taking back his car key, both of us were completely soaked, “If you don’t come to class tomorrow, I’ll know why, North.”
“Fuck off, what are you talking about? And you came all the way here in the rain after going to the gym?”
“Yeah, whose fault is that? You dog-faced creature.” Nao scolded.
“Come on, I’ve apologized. Tomorrow, I’ll treat you to some drinks.”
“Treat me, too.” Tiger chimed in.
“Fine, I see you both got wet together, but Nao, why is your face so red? Are you not feeling well?” I asked, approaching and placing my hand on his forehead. Nao made a disgusted face at me before sneezing.
“Hachu!!”
“Damn, Nao, you sneezed right in my face, you’re so evil.” I scolded him, stepping back in shock. How bad does someone have to be to sneeze in someone’s face?
“You’ve caught a cold now, haven’t you?” Tiger said. Nao nodded slightly.
“Yeah, I got a cold for sure, it’s all your fault, you bastard North.”
“Come on, I didn’t mean to, don’t think too much about it. I’ll get you an excused absence to rest tomorrow, Tiger, take good care of my friend.” I said, squinting at him, “Or do you normally take good care of him?”
Hey, I’m trying to help you out here. You should say something!
“I have to go to class too.” Tiger said in a flat tone.
This guy is such a loser…
I bid farewell to both of them and walked back up. After knocking for a while, Phii Joe opened the door, still preoccupied with stock matters. He went back to sit on the sofa and pulled me into a hug again, positioning me between his legs like before, but this time I didn’t protest. Protesting wouldn’t change anything. The eyes of the person behind me seemed focused on the stocks on his phone screen, while his other arm loosely hugged me.
“Can I lean back?” I asked softly.
“Hmm.” Phii Johan just said that. I leaned back slightly, resting my back against his chest. I hope I’m not too heavy for him, but for sure, my heart is working overtime…
But…
It’s quite warm like this.
The rain outside made the atmosphere very cold-like. Before, we had just been out in the rain together, and now, being like this felt warm. I was starting to realize that I really enjoyed these moments with him.
I don’t know…
It felt warm,
Safe,
Happy,
And I wanted to stay like this forever.
“Should I turn on the TV?” I asked, thinking the room was too quiet, and the sound of the heavy rain outside was loud. If it was like this, I was sure to fall asleep.
“Sure.” Phii Johan simply said. I reached for the remote and turned on the TV, flipping to a documentary channel because it seemed the most interesting among the options.
“Does it bother you? Should I turn down the volume?” I asked. I wasn’t sure if stock trading required concentration, but I guessed it did. I didn’t know if the TV sound would disturb him. “It’s fine, I’m done.” Phii Joe said, placing his phone on the sofa beside him. He then wrapped his other arm around me, gently nudging my neck with the tip of his nose, moving back and forth, making me feel ticklish. My already fast-beating heart beat even faster, then he stopped and rested his chin on my shoulder.
“Are you tired?”
“Hmm.”
“…” I didn’t reply because I wasn’t sure what to say, just gently holding his hand around my waist. His hand was so warm, and even the size of our hands was quite different, even though I thought my hands were quite large.
“Will the work in Boston be very tough?”
“It’ll probably be the toughest job I’ve ever done.” Phii Joe whispered since we were so close. It must be really tough, dealing with important clients.
“Good luck.”
That was all I could think to say for encouragement.
“Hmm.” he made a soft sound in his throat before tightening his embrace.
I didn’t say anything more. Maybe it was just my imagination, but Phii Joe, who was both tired and stressed, seemed to be holding me like I was his refuge, as if being with me made things better. It might not relieve his stress, but sometimes, just having a moment to rest is good too.
“Have you ever been to Boston?” I asked to break the silence that had settled in the room for a while.
“I have.”
“Is it beautiful? I’ve never been, actually, I’ve never been abroad.” I said truthfully.
“Really? Do you want to go?”
“Yes, but it’ll probably be a while before I can save up enough money.”
“During the break.” “Huh?”
“During the semester break, I’ll take you. Where do you want to go?”
“…”
“Uh…” I hesitated for a moment when asked so suddenly, does he really mean to take me? I’m not sure myself where I want to go. I’ve thought of many places, but when I think about the reality of needing to work and save money first, my travel dreams get tucked away, “I haven’t decided yet.”
“Hmm, when you do, let me know.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For saying you’ll take me.”
“You…do you thank people for everything?” Phii Johan asked. I was slightly puzzled by this question. Do I really thank people that much?
“For everything that others do for me, yeah. It’s ingrained from home. If someone gives me something and I don’t thank them, or if I don’t bow to someone older, my mom would hit my hand.”
“I’ve seen that.”
“Seen that?”
“Hmm.”
“Seen my mom hit me?”
“Really?! How could you tell?” I asked in shock. Wait, did he see my mom hit me? Come to think of it, I still don’t know why he likes me. Did we know each other before? I tried to remember where my mom had hit me, but thinking about it made my eyes water. My mom hit me wherever she felt like it: at the market, in the parents’ room, at the game store, at home.
“Uh, Phii, I want to ask something.”
“What?” “When you said…uh, that you like me, can you tell me about it?” I decided to ask, thinking if I didn’t ask now, I’d forget later. Saying that my brother liked me was the hardest thing to say, it was super embarrassing.
“…”
“No.”
Well!
Just as I was about to continue, the phone next to the sofa vibrated. Phii Joe picked it up with a somewhat annoyed look. I glanced at the screen and saw it was Phii Hill calling.
Phii Joe sighed slightly before answering.
“I should have put on Do Not Disturb.” Phii Johan growled into the phone, his voice slightly irritated. Since we were so close, I could also hear Phii Hill’s voice from the other end.
(Why? Am I disturbing you?)
“Yeah, you are.”
(I timed it, waited for you to finish with your stocks.)
“Fine, Hill, what do you want?”
(Let’s study together.)
“Fuck no, what the hell are you reading now?” Phii Joe started to get angrier. “I haven’t even slept yet, you asshole, can you stop and think for a second, Hill?”
(I did think. I thought we should study because the first block exam is coming up.)
“How soon?”
(Tomorrow.)
“Now that’s too close.”
(At your coffee shop, around three in the morning, it’s open 24 hours, right?) “Wait, so you’re planning to study from three in the morning until the exam?”
(Fah said that, he’s fit, wants to go for four points gpa)
“And you?”
(I can’t, I want to spend my time with Ter)
“Stuck with your damn husband.”
(And what about the one you are hugging there?)
Phii Hill!! T^T
“9 PM, can we do 10?”
(Should be able to)
“11 PM.”
(That works)
“1 AM.”
(Early morning is fine too)
“Okay, see you in front of the exam room.”
(That’s bad, let’s say 10 PM, don’t forget. You have to study, Fah emphasized, because you hardly go to class, he doesn’t want you to fail.)
“Yeah, won’t fail, not at this level.”
(At this level, you won’t fail?)
“At this level, I’d drop out before failing.”
(Alright, hanging up, see you.)
“See you.”
And then Phii Johan hung up the call. Do they really need to study for exams from the start of the term like this? That’s brutal, T^T, from what I’ve heard about the medical faculty.
Their exams are not like other faculties; usually, there are just midterms, finals, or whatever mini-tests the professors decide, but the medical faculty has exams in blocks, meaning there’s constant testing. If you don’t keep up with studying, you’re doomed.
I was slightly startled when suddenly I was scooped up and lifted into the air. Phii Johan carried me and placed me on the bed. Why does he lift me so easily? I think I’m quite heavy, right? Then the room owner turned off the lights and lay down beside me, still pulling me into a hug like before.
“Are you going to sleep now?”
“Taking a nap, wake me up at around half-past three.”
“Oh, okay.” I agreed, setting an alarm for half-past three as instructed, and with the heavy rain outside, the cool atmosphere, and the warm embrace, I drifted off to sleep without realizing it.
I woke up startled by the alarm clock. When I opened my eyes, the room was already lit up. I saw Phii Joe standing by the table, packing things. So I got up from the bed and changed my clothes. They wouldn’t leave me alone in the room, right? No way. And with the rain still pouring, the atmosphere was super creepy, T^T.
Once everything was packed, we headed down to the underground parking lot. The luxury car drove through the rain to the familiar coffee shop. Upon arrival, we noticed new staff had taken over. Hold on, why new staff? Does that mean I won’t be working here anymore?
Phii Khim greeted Phii Johan first, introducing him as the owner to the staff. The two young women, probably around our age and likely also students, maybe even from the same university, seemed quite shy when looking at Phii Joe, especially when they found out he was the owner.
We went up to the top floor to find that everyone was already waiting. This time, the table was set up nicely, but there was still the usual lounge area. Ter was there too, wearing a large shirt that clearly wasn’t his, definitely Phii Hill’s. “Is wearing your partner’s shirt the new trend?” Phii Arthit said with a look of annoyance. I went to sit next to Ter in the hanging chair in the lounge area, while Phii Joe joined the others. When I sat down, I felt slightly dizzy, but I ignored it, probably just my imagination.
I chatted with Ter for nearly an hour amidst the tense atmosphere in the room. This is what it’s like when doctors are studying together, huh? It was kind of stressful just watching. Everyone seemed so focused, like they were zeroed in on their studies, not a single one distracted or unfocused. They asked questions when needed, then went back to silently reading their own materials.
“Is it usually like this?” I whispered to Ter.
“Yeah, this isn’t too bad. During finals, everyone becomes like zombies.”
“Really?”
“Really. Don’t you get like that?”
“Me?” I asked, “Not really, I’m not that good. I’ve given up on trying.”
“You’re the one at risk of academic retirement.”
“Exactly.” I raised an eyebrow at him, indicating my pride in my situation, “High grades aren’t exciting. But with low grades like mine, it’s exciting all the time, not knowing when I’ll get kicked out. How often do medical students have exams anyway?”
“Hmm, often, huh? Several blocks each term, I’m more worried about Phii Joe, that’s for sure.” Ter teased, even though we were whispering.
“Yeah, I’m worried.”
“Uh, you’re no fun to tease, but I’m glad the ship is sailing, you bastard. You worry about him too, leave some matchmaking for me, leave some room for a wingman like me.” Ter said with a big, exaggerated expression of joy. What kind of wingman is this good? I might need to learn from him. Maybe my Tiger Duennao ship will start to sail too. After nearly an hour and a half, it was probably time for a break. Ter immediately went to sit with Phii Hill, but when I looked at Phii Johan, I saw him heading out to the balcony.
“Tit, aren’t you going to smoke with Joe?” Phii Fah asked.
“Enough, I’ve had two already today.”
Phii Johan went out to smoke. I decided to follow him. He seemed slightly surprised when I was the one who opened the balcony door before standing next to him.
“Go back inside.”
“It’s okay.” I shook my head because the balcony was wide here, and I wasn’t getting wet from the rain. Phii Joe looked out at the curtain of rain ahead before exhaling a puff of gray smoke.
“Do you smoke often?” I asked.
“Hmm, often.” he said, before lifting the cigarette to his lips, taking a drag, and exhaling again.
“How often?”
“Don’t like it?”
“No.” I shook my head slightly, “It’s not that I don’t like it, I both like and dislike it.” I explained my usual thoughts about cigarettes.
“…”
Phii Johan didn’t say anything, as if waiting for me to continue.
“Because my dad, who passed away, was a heavy smoker. I like it because it reminds me of him. When I smell cigarettes, I think of this one man, a man who smiled a lot and was always kind, but always had a cigarette in his mouth.” I said, recalling the face of the person I missed. It was a memory from long ago, but it was deeply ingrained in my heart. A child and the scent of his father’s cigarettes, when I’m lonely or miss him a lot, it makes me want to cry. “How long has it been since he passed?”
“Several years.”
“Do you get lonely when you miss someone?”
“Yeah, I do. When I was little, I was super attached to my dad. It’s strange, really. It’s been so long, but I still miss him. But that’s all I can do, miss him, and that’s why I hate it, because it reminds me of him but there’s nothing I can do about it. He’s gone.”
“…”
Phii Johan didn’t say anything, just glanced back at me before gently pushing my head with his hand.
“So, when I smell smoke…”
“…”
“You’ll think of me too, right?”
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