MONSTERNEXTDOOR, Epilogue Chapter : Because Your Smile Is More Charming Than Anyone’s.
“And after that… Will told Clark… do you know what, Clark… you…
“Hmm?”
“…ah… are…”
“What’s wrong?”
“Don’t… don’t look at me like that.”
“But you told me to look.”
I pushed the face of the person lying on the bed away until I heard a chuckle.
Sigh.
I exhaled softly, covering my face with the book to hide the flush of heat caused by his sharp gaze. When he looks at me, what should be fluent speech turns into stuttering.
“You can take a break.”
“Uh,” I replied with a tired moan in my throat.
Since starting my third year, there’s one thing I’ve been trying to achieve: speaking fluently in front of others.
No one forces me to do it. I just want to try changing something, like thanking the staff at 7-Eleven while looking them in the eye, starting conversations with classmates, trying to make eye contact with the teacher and friends during presentations.
It’s incredibly hard for an anxious kid like me. My grandfather once consulted a friend who’s a psychiatrist about this issue. The doctor said it depends on mental state; yes, stuttering when anxious can go away, for instance, if you feel relaxed or comfortable with someone, you’ll speak smoothly, but once you feel uneasy, it comes back.
There are several ways to help with this, one of which is practicing reading aloud clearly, using long sentences in front of others.
But where in my life am I surrounded by many people who would sit and listen to me read without getting bored or falling asleep? There’s only one person, the big guy lying on the bed, staring at me.
For this reason, Phii Godt has become an essential assistant in my practice. If I can speak fluently under his gaze, everything else should become easy because his eyes make me so nervous and embarrassed that my speech falters every time.
“Phii Godt.”
“Hmm?” Phii Godt propped his chin up to look at me, slightly tilting his head.
“With that serious face, what’s wrong?”
“I… still can’t read fluently.” I scooted up to sit next to him on the bed, then lay on my side, looking at his honey-colored arm which seemed a bit lighter, probably because he’s been working in airconditioned rooms and hasn’t been out in the sun. Phii Godt lay down to stare at my face in return.
“You don’t have to force it; this way is cute too.” His warm hand pressed against my cheek, gently stroking it.
No matter how many years the person in front of me ages, one thing that never changes is the look in his eyes when he gazes at me.
Warm, yet filled with playfulness.
“I… want to speak more fluently, want to try changing some things.”
If it were before, Phii Godt would have said I didn’t need to change anything, that how I am is fine. But as he’s grown older, Phii Godt doesn’t speak his thoughts as directly. He tends to support what I’m trying to achieve rather than discouraging it. If I say I’m giving up, he’ll say it’s okay, at least I tried.
One day I might lose my character because he’s been too indulgent with me.
I’m afraid I might become too self-centered, making him feel uncomfortable.
“If I sit and watch, you might get too nervous. How about reading it to Biu?” Phii Godt suggested his female colleague who works at the same place.
“Phii Biu… is terribly busy.”
“Busy with what, she’s at the pub at 3 am, only gets back to the condo by 5 am.”
“She needs to let loose sometimes… from all that stressful work.”
“Stressful what, she just sits there gossiping all day,” grumbled the big guy, also showing his displeasure by making a face, “Besides, I don’t want to go. The pub is too loud, it’s better if I stay with you.”
After saying that, he nuzzled his head into my arm, clinging to it in a cute manner.
The giant Godzilla from that day has now turned into a big golden retriever today.
Come to think of it, since we’ve known each other, Phii Godt has seriously given up drinking, rarely seen drinking with work friends, and never getting drunk like he did back in school days. If he wants to drink something, a can of beer would be his choice, and he would only drink it at the condo or in my room. He said he wants to keep his health, doesn’t want anything to happen to him, doesn’t want to leave me alone, doesn’t want me to become a widower. He cares.
I began to understand what Phii Biu often complains about, that Phii
Godt is becoming more like an old man attached to his wife every day.
A little drink doesn’t hurt, going out with friends, bonding with colleagues, but I didn’t dare to say it. He feels comfortable this way. I don’t want to contradict him; it’s better this way, so I don’t have to worry about him getting drunk and causing trouble for Phii Biu to take care of.
“If so, I have one method, do you want to try it?”
“Method?”
“Yes, I used to do it in middle school. It might help, but if it’s forced, you don’t have to do it. You can just talk to me.”
I grabbed the hem of the oversized T-shirt of the guy in front of me.
Although I was slightly hesitant, I nodded in agreement.
“I… want to try.”
The car stopped in front of the Autism Foundation. I opened the door and got out, squinting a bit as I met the sunlight filtering through the leaves of the large tamarind tree, Ton. My hands were sweaty. Phii Godt walked off in another direction.
The clock now showed half past three in the afternoon. The sound of chatter came from not far ahead; you could see about ten children being led by caregivers, walking out from a room towards a hexagonal gazebo with a dark green roof. The area was surrounded by a colorful flower garden.
The children sat down neatly at first, but soon the line broke. However, they remained under the green roof, not running far from the area. Some sat still, looking around with curiosity, some rocking back and forth, making noise or being playful because they couldn’t stay still.
These were special children.
Phii Godt came back to stand beside me after finishing his conversation, placing his hand on my shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze.
“Ready?”
I was ready, had been since Phii Godt mentioned we were coming here. I even searched and prepared several storybooks.
I took a deep breath, gripping the storybook tightly, gathering all my courage to walk with the tall guy. When we entered the gazebo, the female caregiver gave a smile. She clapped her hands a couple of times, giving a brief introduction.
“Alright, kids, today he’s going to tell us a story. Listen carefully, everyone.”
“Yes!” The responses were lively and full of life.
I positioned myself in front of the more than ten children, swallowing hard, their bright eyes looking back at me with excitement to hear the story. I inhaled deeply, looking up at Phii Godt for encouragement, receiving a beautiful smile that made my heart race.
“To… today… I’ll tell you a story…”
My speech still stuttered like a radio losing signal, but the children’s reactions weren’t of furrowed brows or questions about what was wrong, what condition I might have, or why I spoke disjointedly. Their faces weren’t full of confusion; instead, they were filled with smiles, their eyes sparkling.
Seeing those eyes, I began to tell the story.
The first story I picked up was an easy, light-hearted tale; the Frog Prince was the first fairy tale I heard from my grandfather, making me feel more connected to it than to other stories. Once upon a time, a prince was cursed to become a frog, and he could only return to human form when kissed by true love. The Frog Prince did everything in his power to find that woman.
For me, the Frog Prince fairy tale has a different storyline from the ordinary Frog Prince. It’s about a Frog Prince who must put effort into learning, understanding, and making the woman fall in love with him in his frog form, looking beyond the exterior to the heart, to the true essence of the prince. It’s a Frog Prince who must take time on his journey, not one who gets everything easily.
Throughout my storytelling, apart from the children sitting quietly, some moved to sit beside me, surrounding me with small bodies. They were interested in the illustrations in the storybook, the colors of the frog, the sky, and the image of the beautiful woman. The kids wrapped themselves around me, and when they heard laughter, I couldn’t help but smile and laugh along.
I had never done something like this before. Once I started doing it… it felt like some kind of happiness was enveloping my heart.
When I was narrating the story, speaking stutteringly and slowly, I would sneak glances at Phii Godt from time to time. The smile on Phii Godt’s face was warmer than ever. I wanted to thank him, grateful that he brought me here, happy that I got to experience life outside a bit. Being among the children didn’t make me feel uncomfortable at all; instead, I felt so good I almost wanted to cry.
So this is how it feels, because all this time, people have only given me happiness, so I didn’t know how good it feels to be the one giving happiness to others.
These children were abandoned just because they were different from other kids. They crave love from their family, so when someone comes to give them treats, tell stories, or organize activities, they rush towards it, hugging, snuggling, and laughing happily. They need warmth; even as we grow into adults, we still need someone’s embrace. They’re still so small; of course, they need hugs to show that someone is still by their side.
Four or five children came close, hugging my arms and legs. Besides the children surrounding me, some seemed fascinated by Phii Godt’s height and his strong arms, which could lift the little ones into the air as if they were flying in the sky. Around us, there were children, laughter, smiles, and happiness until time ran out.
That moment of joy was so brief, but the smiles of those children, I will never forget.
I stood watching until the last child disappeared into the room, waving goodbye to them, then turned to walk back to the car and buckled up.
Silence settled between us as if what just happened was merely a dream.
After a while, we looked at each other and smiled.
“Thank you.”
“Whenever you’re tired or bored, you can come again, I can bring you here anytime.”
“Yeah,” I murmured softly to the person beside me.
“Diew.”
“Hmm?” I turned slightly to look at Phii Godt’s profile; he wasn’t looking at me, his gaze focused outside.
“I knew I wasn’t wrong to like you.”
His words brought all the warmth to my face. I averted my gaze to look outside the window.
“What… saying that out of nowhere?”
“When you smiled at the kids, it was so bright, you know? It made me think, why is this kid so kind-hearted, what made him like this, what does he eat to be this cute? Did you fall from heaven or something?”
I pushed Phii Godt’s arm away hard. “Stop talking like that.”
“Human or angel, huh, or maybe a little deity?”
“Phii Godt!”
“Embarrassed, huh? Making you embarrassed.” He laughed, clearly enjoying teasing me. “About speaking, don’t overthink it, take it slow, you know?”
“Uh.”
“What’s ‘uh’? What are you saying, huh? Turn here, turn.”
The big guy turned me to face him, then pressed his lips gently against mine, catching me off guard, making me jump. His soft lips moved delicately on mine, slowly tugging at my heart, so light it made me hold my breath.
Phii Godt pulled his lips away. Not worried about anyone seeing because the car windows were so dark he once got pulled over by the police. His warm breath brushed my cheek. Even though he pulled back, it was just less than a foot, as if he didn’t want to let go.
“Are you happy?”
“Uh.”
“You need to be happy every day, you know? I want you to be happy every day, smile like this every day.”
“Yes.”
“Your smile is cuter than anyone’s.”
I reached out to touch Phii Godt’s cheek, and the big guy nestled his face into my hand.
Your smile is something I’m enamored with too.
“You… have to be happy… every day too.”
After that, every Sunday, the day Phii Godt had off, he would take me to tell stories to the children. One week passed, two weeks passed, until the fifth week when Phii Godt wasn’t available to go with me. So, I went alone, told the stories, and returned to my room as usual, took a shower, finished the pending work, and sat reading aloud on the bed with youngmaster waddling around in his square box.
The sound of the key turning came from the front of the room just past midnight; the tall figure opened the door and entered.
“Oh, you haven’t gone to bed yet?” Phii Godt called out in surprise. I shook my head in response.
The big guy put his personal items on the fridge, threw his socks into the laundry basket, stood there checking his phone while muttering about this and that, as one does after working on a day off. Tomorrow, he would take a day off. Luckily, I didn’t have any morning classes tomorrow, just a lab session in the afternoon, so I didn’t need to go to bed early.
I looked up from the book in my hand, turning my attention to the person who could freely come and go in this room. He said he was held up by a meeting, and there was traffic in the city too.
“What’s with everyone and Sundays?”
Phii Godt took off his belt, throwing it over a chair, then opened the fridge to grab green tea and drank it down. After that, he grabbed a towel from the wardrobe and disappeared into the bathroom.
He must really be tired. Normally, he would need a lot of convincing to take a shower.
It didn’t take long before Khun Godzilla came out of the bathroom. Without a word, he flopped onto the bed, scooted over to hug my waist, and buried his face there, making a cute, sleepy noise.
“Coming home to sleep and hug is so comforting.”
His soft hair made it impossible for me not to put my hand in it, gently ruffling his hair playfully until Phii Godt looked up.
“How was today?”
He shifted to lie on his side, facing me, with his legs clamped around the Godzilla plushie.
“It was good.”
“Just good?”
“I spoke more fluently… uh… a little.”
Phii Godt smiled, “Very good.”
Actually, today I met a woman who happened to bring snacks for the children at the foundation. She listened to me tell the story until the end, and we chatted a bit afterwards. There was one sentence that kept repeating in my head since I came back:
“Let’s not think they will judge us; think that what we do comes from our heart.”
I used to think I might look ridiculous to others when I stutter, but after going to the foundation and telling stories to the kids, it helped me appreciate myself more, realizing there’s no need to care about others’ gazes.
What’s important is that I do it with intention.
“Phii Godt.”
“Hmm?”
The person who had closed his eyes opened them again, his beautiful, narrow eyes staring at me intently.
“I want to try… reading again… can I?”
“But I’m sleepy.”
“Just for a moment… please?”
“Okay.” Once he heard the coaxing, he gave in, sitting up to pay attention, holding a teddy bear to his chest, looking straight at me.
His sharp gaze has always been my weakness; when he looks at me, I feel a flush of heat like I’m coming down with a fever, sometimes making me do strange things or even act impulsively.
Phii Godt is the big boss of this challenge.
I picked up the book, the one I had left off at that sentence, the sentence I thought was beautiful, perhaps the most beautiful in this book.
I am determined to do this because I want Phii Godt to see that I’m not tense around him.
I want Phii Godt to know that when I’m with him, I can be myself.
I want Phii Godt to be happy, to ease his tiredness from work.
My eyes focused on that text, inhaling deeply, exhaling slowly to avoid conveying that I was holding my breath to rush through the words. “Will told Clark that…”
“…”
“…Do you know something, Clark? You’re the only reason I want to wake up in the morning.”
From being on the verge of sleep, Phii Godt’s eyes widened slightly. I closed the book, moved closer to the person in front of me, kneeling up and placing both hands on his cheeks.
The next sentence I was about to say wasn’t from the book, but something I wanted to tell him, over and over again.
“You are the reason I want to wake up in the morning.”
“Diew…”
“It’s the reason I smile every day.”
“…”
“Just like how I want to see your smile, because your smile…”
“…”
“Is the most adorable thing.”
“Diew, you are stingy.”
“So, let me be your happiness, Phii Godt.”
He hugged my waist tightly, pressing his sharp nose against my shoulder with a soft laugh.
“You’re not stuttering anymore.”
The big guy hugged me like that until we locked eyes, both of our faces adorned with smiles. Phii Godt’s hand touched my cheek, caressing it gently.
“My smile, my love, so cute.”
After saying that, he playfully pulled my cheeks, laughing brightly and contentedly.
Watching his smile like this, it truly warms my heart.
No matter how much time passes,
No matter how long it’s been,
No matter what obstacles we encounter,
I want this person to always have smiles, to always have happiness.
I want him to be loved by everyone.
Because your smile is more charming than anyone else’s.
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