MONSTERNEXTDOOR, Chapter 18: Words from people who don’t know us well often sadden us; it depends on whether we pay attention to those words or turn to care for those around us.
Phii Godt’s flirting raises questions for me—whether his past actions were just him being friendly or if he intended to take care of me from the start. Because his actions hardly differ, his flirting primarily aims to make me feel at ease. The person in the room next door still hangs a bag of Pocky with a Post-it note on my door every morning. We still talk on the balcony as usual, eat together, then go about our own business because I have to study, and Phii Godt has to study and live his daily life with his friends.
He never let our conversations interfere with his daily life. Phii Godt remains a social person, happy to meet friends, still playing football with seniors, engaging in university activities as usual, occasionally sneaking off to drum at a concert, but every day at ten, he makes time to have dinner with me.
Besides eating, we often have ordinary conversations, like what we studied today, what we encountered, sharing our daily stories until it becomes routine.
Some days he would come to listen to music, watch the moon from my balcony, and he likes to buy snacks for me, sit and eat Pocky together, read comic books, and then go back to his room when he’s sleepy.
We learn more about each other every day.
Phii Godt often says he doesn’t like looking at the sky because he thought it was a waste of time, but seeing me enjoy it, he started looking at the night sky every day, and we compare the shapes of the moon at night.
Phii Godt didn’t like Wan’s food, but because my post-dinner snack was Pocky bought by him, he ended up eating it too, and now he likes strawberry-flavored Pocky.
Phii Godt doesn’t like waking up early, but recently, he’s been getting up earlier and going to bed earlier than usual because he wants to wake up and send me a morning message on Line.
Phii Godt doesn’t like strawberries, but he loves to buy strawberryflavored snacks for me every noon.
And today, it’s strawberry daifuku from Japan that his friend bought for him.
I blinked at the simple box on the table, a pink square box flanked by a strawberry yogurt drink in front of me and a watermelon smoothie in front of Phii Godt.
Once we got used to it, Phii Godt started coming to find me at the faculty cafeteria every day, sometimes with Phii Beert, sometimes alone like today. Even if not for meals, he likes to stop by for a watermelon smoothie and to chat before heading back to class in the afternoon. I looked at the Ultraman mask sitting with his back to the crowd, facing me in the deepest corner of the faculty cafeteria.
It turns out that this spot has become our regular lunchtime place.
“Is it good?”
Phii Godt asked while I was trying the strawberry daifuku. The chewy texture of the outer dough, sprinkled with white icing, combined perfectly with the tart, fresh strawberries inside, making me squint with delight.
“It’s good.”
“I can tell by your face.”
“How… do I look?”
“Blissful beyond belief.”
“Aren’t you going to eat?” I asked Phii Godt, chewing on the confection, Khun Godzilla shook his head slightly.
“I brought it for you to eat.”
“Thank you.”
“Your mouth is all messy.” Phii Godt pointed at the left corner of his own mouth. I used him as a mirror, wiping the right side of my mouth with the back of my hand.
“Not that side.”
“Oh.” I wiped the left side with my finger.
“Still there.”
After saying that, his slender finger touched the left corner of my mouth, gently wiping away the icing. Phii Godt’s action made my face flush so much that I had to look down at my glass of strawberry yogurt smoothie, which was now three-quarters empty.
“Your face is red like a tomato.” “Don’t… tease me,” I mumbled.
I don’t know if this is part of his courting strategy because lately, we’ve been touching each other more. Even though Phii Godt keeps some distance, most of our touches are playful.
But when he touches me out of care, I feel like I’m going to die.
Once I receive this kind of attention, my immunity drops to the ground.
We were just chatting casually. Mostly, it was Phii Godt complaining about his studies until someone stood by our table. Both Phii Godt and I turned to look at the woman before he greeted her.
“Hey, Ping.”
“Hey, Godt.”
She seemed to be another friend of Phii Godt that I hadn’t met before. I don’t know how many people know that Phii Godt wears an Ultraman mask, but from what Jen said, if people know Phii Godt wears a mask, it makes him an easier target to spot, so I’m not surprised if someone comes up to ask, “Is that Godt?” or “Hey, Godt.”
Of course, this guy seems to know almost everyone in the university. However, behind Ping stood Jen, who looked like she was not in the mood for charity.
I felt the same. Even though the faculty building is just a small square, why do we have to meet so often?
I don’t like it.
“What’s up?” Khun Godzilla asked his friend with the familiarity of someone who’s good at making conversations with others seem easy.
Ping pulled Jen to stand beside her, pointing at the girl who seemed to have been dragged there.
“I heard from Biu that Jen scolded your boyfriend, huh?”
“Cough!” I choked on the strawberry yogurt I was drinking.
“Not boyfriend yet, still flirting.”
“Move over a bit, let’s talk.”
Phii Godt and I moved to the next chairs. Then Ping squeezed in beside me, while Jen sat next to Phii Godt. The awkward atmosphere among the four of us made me afraid to look up to see what expressions everyone was making.
“As the president of the Inter-Faculty Club, I don’t want people from our faculty to have issues with you, Godt, so I brought Jen here to clear up if there’s anything you two have against each other.”
“Is this Jen?” Khun Godzilla pointed at the woman beside him. “Uh-huh.”
“You don’t like Diew?” Phii Godt asked Jen, who had been silent for a while. She glanced at me with a side-eye but didn’t respond. That was answer enough, indicating she didn’t like me.
“If you don’t like him, then you should just keep your distance, why cause trouble?”
“Listen… can I say something?” Phii Ping interjected in what seemed to be a not so smooth conversation, “When Jen posted like that, she got heavily criticized by your fans.”
“And what does that have to do with me? She’s the one who insulted and belittled the kid, right? You should acknowledge your own actions. Not just that, she also physically harmed him. It’s already good that the kid didn’t go to the police.”
“Well, yes. That’s why I made her come to apologize to you and Nong
Diew. But she physically harmed him too?”
“The folder scratched his arm badly enough to draw blood; I and Ton can testify.”
Phii Ping let out a deep sigh as if just hearing about this, furrowing his brows at Jen.
“You physically assaulted him, Jen?”
“I didn’t know, Phii Ping, maybe because I was holding the folder at the time.”
“It’s good that Biu told me. If Biu hadn’t said anything, if you did something like this again, would jail be worth it, Jen?”
“I’m sorry, Phii Ping.”
“The one you should apologize to is Nong Diew. Apologize to him.”
“Is he willing to accept my apology? If he’s not, then there’s no need. I’ll gather all the evidence of what you’ve done, from bumping into him, physical assault, to making baseless accusations that harm his reputation. You know the Computer Crimes Act, right? Cyberbullying isn’t a small matter either.” Phii Godt clearly showed his displeasure, both in his tone, his sarcastic remarks, and by crossing his arms. He didn’t even turn to look at the person beside him, just kept his gaze on me.
“What do you say, Jen?” The president of the international faculty turned to the woman who didn’t look too good. She seemed to be afraid of Phii Godt, almost not sitting on the chair.
“I’m sorry…”
“Do you mean it?” Phii Godt answered on my behalf, “If you’re not sincere, you don’t need to apologize. If you just say sorry without truly meaning it, you should keep that ‘sorry’ for yourself because you’re hurting yourself.”
“I am sincere, I let my emotions get the better of me, I’m sorry for not thinking it through, for doing this because of being rejected for the bag review, and because the kid doesn’t talk to me much, I assumed he was arrogant. But from now on, I’ll be more careful. Regarding the incident where I bumped into him and the mask, I apologize, and for the physical harm, I didn’t mean to scratch him with the folder, it was an accident because I was holding it close.”
“And did you delete the comments?” Phii Godt asked in a stern, displeased voice. The more his voice hardened, the more Jen averted her eyes, not daring to meet anyone’s gaze.
“I’ve deleted them, and I tweeted an apology last night after Phii Ping contacted me.”
“Phii Ping told you that if you didn’t apologize, there would be disciplinary action, possibly suspension from school.”
“Ping, what do you want from me?
Ping, “I don’t want anything from you, Godt. I just want Jen to apologize, because she’s part of our faculty. But the problem is that your fans told Jen to jump off a building and die. I understand that Jen was wrong.”
Ping “It’s not surprising if they don’t like Jen. they can criticize Jen, but telling her to die is too much, and I can’t ignore it. So, I want to ask you to tell your fans that Jen has apologized. But if you don’t want to do it, that’s fine. I’ll try to get Biu to help too.”
Godt, “I know that was too much, but you should understand too. Some words might be light for us, but for others, they could be heavy enough to ruin their lives. you should know this.”
Ping, “Yeah, I know. This is just the one thing I’m asking for. As the head of the club, especially when it involves someone close to me, I can’t let it slide. I’ll punish Jen for physically harming Nong Diew myself. As for the dislike between you, you’ll have to live with it. If there are any more issues, come tell me at the club.”
I sat silently watching the three people talking, then suddenly Phii Godt spoke to me.
Phii Godt: What about you, what do you say? Realizing I was drawn into this uncomfortable conversation, I started to feel a bit awkward.
What do I say? I’m not that vindictive, and besides, what Jen said had some truth to it, which helps clear things up with Phii Godt. Even though her actions were infuriating, if she apologizes, I’ll consider it over.
Nong Diew, “If… she apologizes… then let it go… from now on, we’ll just go our separate ways.”
Phii Godt, “Since he says that, then so be it. I’ll tell my fans to stop attacking you, but if you dare touch him again or hurt him, whether by words or physically, I won’t spare you.”
Jen, “I’m sorry,” she bowed in apology to both Phii Godt and me, “I won’t let this happen again, I sincerely apologize to both Phii Godt and
Nong Diew.”
With Phii Godt, forgiveness might not come easily, but for me, what’s past is past, especially since we need to look after our future. A woman like Jen had to come apologize, so she must be truly desperate.
Ping, “Sigh.”
A sigh came from the woman beside me, Phii Ping gently tapped Jen’s hand.
Ping, “Take it easy. If you don’t like each other, just keep your distance. No need to taunt or criticize, stop messing with the junior.”
Jen, “Yes, I’m sorry.”
Ping, “Alright, let’s go then. Thank you, Godt. Sorry, Nong Diew.” Phii Ping stood up with Jen, but Phii Godt called out to stop them.
“Oh, and another thing, someone like me, if I don’t like something, I won’t do it. The reason I wear a mask isn’t because I’m forced to, but because I want to. Don’t think on my behalf that I’ll feel uncomfortable; wearing a mask doesn’t make me look worse.”
Phii Godt’s words were like a straight-edged ruler, but in that seriousness, I also sensed his arrogance. Even in this tense moment, he’s still at it, isn’t he?
Phii Ping didn’t say anything after that, before she quickly led Phii Jen away. I could only watch the back of that woman until she was out of sight. When I turned back to look at the person in front of me, I found that Phii Godt had been watching me. He was sitting with his arms crossed, not speaking, looking quite displeased, and he seemed irritated, as a loud sigh escaped through his mask.
“Phii Godt…”
“I won’t forgive her,” he said in a low, almost growling voice, “I don’t like it.”
“Forget it… it’s good enough if she doesn’t cause trouble.”
I hope her apology is something she genuinely wants to do, not because she’s pressured or forced into it. If it’s the latter, once the dust settles, she might do it again, and if that’s the case, I won’t be okay with it.
Anyway, people who don’t like each other are better off just staying apart.
But speaking of which… Phii Godt’s fans are quite scary too. I know they’re protective of him, and since I came later, I want to respect his fans, but telling Sister Jen to jump off a building, that’s not okay, as Phii Ping said.
No matter how grave someone’s mistake is, I think there’s one thing we shouldn’t say, and that’s telling someone to go die.
“Your fans… they’re scary,” I muttered to Phii Godt, who was looking up from his phone.
“Telling her to go die is too harsh, I don’t agree with that either. But saying she’s arrogant, I don’t like that either. Arrogance might be just a normal word for others, but for her, is it really normal, Diew? If she thinks it’s normal, why would you sit here overthinking like this? Am I right?”
“Uh… yeah, you’re right.”
“Once something is posted on the internet, it’ll stay there until you die, even if you delete it, someone will have captured it, word spreads, and sometimes, even without knowing the truth, people just go on to spin tales. That’s why I told you not to look at it.”
Am I… getting scolded by him?
“Yes..”
“Don’t go reading it. Don’t go looking at it. If there’s any issue, let those with strong immunity handle it.”
“Wan, Biu, and Ton, they’re all social media savvy. Back in the day, when I was criticized, they were quicker than 4G, I guess.”
I nodded in response to him.
“And… will your fans… be okay… with me?”
We circled back to the question I had asked him before, because I was afraid that Phii Godt’s fans wouldn’t take kindly to him being close to me. I know how society works; I’ve seen it happen when celebrities have partners, and fans stop supporting them or even curse the celebrity’s partner as if they’ve done something terribly wrong.
Now that it’s happening to me, I feel scared.
“Diew.”
“Yes?”
“Do you think you’re a bad person?”
I shook my head in response.
“Exactly, because I’ve never mistreated you, so there’s no reason for them to hate you.”
“Hmm.”
“Listen to me, you smart one, a friendly person like me, even with fans, I’m just an ordinary person. I want to love someone, take care of them, have someone to listen to my complaints when I’m tired, have someone by my side when I’m lonely.”
“…” I could only remain silent, looking at the Ultraman mask on his face.
If I could see Phii Godt’s eyes right now… what kind of expression would he have? Sad or not, heartbroken or not. I know that being part of society means bearing many burdens, including behavior and words, caring so much for your fans that sometimes you lose your own identity.
Does he worry about online comments like I do?
And if he does, how can I comfort him?
“Being a part of society, do I not have the right to like or love someone?”
I clenched my lips tight, his words carried a hint of resentment.
One reason he approached me was to make amends for what he had done to his senior, this I knew, but the constant pressure he’s faced as a public figure, whether from when he entered university or throughout his life, I only now realize how much Phii Godt truly overthinks things, just as he says.
I was so caught up in caring about what others said that I forgot the person I should care about the most is the man in front of me. I don’t know what he’s been through. I don’t know how much hardship he’s faced. I should pay more attention to Phii Godt’s feelings because he’s a special and very important person, someone who cares about me and knows me better than anyone else.
“You can like… or love anyone… it’s your right,” I gave him a sincere smile.
“And I like… that you’re you.”
Khun Godzilla changed his posture to rest his chin on his hand, looking at me.
“Really? Then why do you have to smile sweetly at me like that?”
“…”
“You’re good at being charming.”
But I’m really annoyed by this habit of his when we’re discussing something serious. Why does he have to be so annoying!
…
Every now and then, I stop by the bakery in front of the university before heading back to the dorm to study. Besides sushi, bread is something I like. Actually, I like almost everything, but the custard bread from this place is as delicious as from those shops in Bangkok that my dad used to buy for me when I was a kid.
“Oh, Diew.”
A familiar voice sounded beside me along with a warm smile like a big sun, coming from Phii Beert. While I was picking up bread to put on my tray, I slightly bowed to him. Next to Phii Beert was another smaller person, enjoying choosing bread from the shelf.
They stick together like mischievous bananas I used to watch when I was young, except Phii Wan is smaller than Phii Beert, his head only reaching Phii Beert’s shoulder.
“You like the bread from this shop too?”
I nodded in response to Phii Beert, who approached me and placed some pork floss bread on my tray.
“Godt likes pork floss bread, take some for him.”
“Ah… thank you.”
“Is there anything bothering you?” I flinched at that question and could only give Phii Beert a dry smile. Apart from Phii Godt, the person who can notice my mood changes faster than anyone else is this guy.
This one here.
Maybe because Phii Beert is quiet, he’s able to observe those around him more meticulously than others.
“I’m… worried… about Phii Godt’s fans.”
“Oh, are you afraid of being criticized?” A little, but my concern also involves Phii Godt.
“I’m more afraid that Phii Godt… will get criticized… Has Phii Godt ever been criticized by his fans?”
“Yes,” it was Phii Wan who answered, holding a bag of bread he’d just paid for. I didn’t know when he’d been standing beside me.
I went to pay and walked back to the dormitory with Phii Wan and Phii Beert. The smaller guy told me what had happened between Phii Godt and his fans during his first year.
“Godt got heavily criticized by his fans before his second year because he liked a girl. He was pretty down during that time. He never told us how he felt, but he seemed cheerful on the outside while he was actually overthinking everything.”
“Diew, you might see Godt as someone who doesn’t care much, easygoing, but he actually cares a lot about what people say, and he’s a master at overthinking. He just doesn’t show it,” Phii Beert added before Phii Wan sighed.
“Seeing someone you love get cursed and attacked by others, no one likes that, right? Godt was stressed every day, trying to comfort the girl he liked, but she couldn’t handle the heavy attacks. So she asked to distance herself from Godt, and that was it, heartbreak, sadness, drinking until he puked.”
“Back then, we also felt sorry for Ping.”
“Ping?” I raised an eyebrow at Phii Beert, “The club president… from the International Faculty?”
“You know her?”
“Today… Phii Ping brought Jen to talk and apologize to me.”
“Really?” Phii Wan exclaimed, “That’s Godt’s old crush, but they never officially dated, just talked.”
I had no idea Phii Godt had once liked Phii Ping because they didn’t show any signs. On the surface, they looked more like good friends. “But don’t worry, they’ve cut ties because now Godt is only interested in one person.”
I looked up to see Phii Wan smiling at me.
“As for the fans, don’t mind them. If anything happens, I’ll handle it.”
“But…” Won’t Phii Wan get criticized too if Phii Godt’s fans don’t like me?
“For you, just have a lot of confidence in Godt. Don’t worry about what his fans say. Godt has his own life, he won’t let others dictate what he should or shouldn’t do, or who he can or can’t love, right?”
“Yes.”
“We, your friends, don’t want to see you care about words from strangers that you don’t know, and then leave Godt because of those words. When Ping left Godt, he kept asking us, ‘Am I not good enough? Why does she care more about what others say than me?’ Diew, try to think about it, someone as self-absorbed as Godt who praises himself three times a day before and after meals, turns around to ask me if he isn’t good enough.”
At that moment, he must have felt like he couldn’t hold onto Miss Ping.
If I heard that, I would feel terrible too; it’s not because Phii Godt isn’t good enough. He’s done his best in his role.
As for Phii Ping, I don’t want to blame her either. Others might see her as selfish, but for me, if you’re getting cursed at just for dating someone from society, I might not be able to handle it like Phii Ping.
That’s why I’ve been worried all along.
But I don’t want to lose Phii Godt just because of this, so I will listen to what Phii Godt tells me.
I won’t look at those messages anymore; from now on, I’ll only listen to what he says.
“Thank you… I will… not open Twitter to read anymore.”
Phii Beert placed his hand on my head and gently ruffled my hair.
“Have some confidence in yourself. You’re a good kid.”
I waved goodbye to both Phii Beert and Phii Wan, who were about to go their separate ways, with Phii Beert’s final words:
“Godt cares about you a lot, you know.”
I smiled at that message, looking at the pork floss bread in the bag I’d bought for someone else, my steps light as I headed back to my dorm. At that moment, several thoughts raced through my mind.
Maybe tonight before bed, I should invite Phii Godt to watch a movie, or maybe some cartoons, or should we read a book?
That’s right…
There are so many things to do instead of sitting and reading comments from people who don’t know us well.
The person we should care about is the one beside us.
Leave a Reply