EASTTAGYOUREMINE, Chapter 4: Always

   Under the medical faculty building, almost all the students had already left. My friends and I were sitting at a wooden table in the faculty courtyard. We had planned to work on a group project; actually, the term hadn’t even started yet, but the professor had called all the medical students to attend classes before the term officially began. Why? Because there’s just too much content to squeeze into one school term.

I’m ‘Hill’, a second-year medical student, and the faculty moon, which seems like a prestigious position to many, but for me, it’s just okay. I was selected for photoshoots and interviews, and I still don’t know how I ended up with this position.

This has made my life more complicated. Since my first year, seniors of all genders have been trying to get close, buying me things, constantly approaching me. I don’t mind being liked, but sometimes it gets uncomfortable. I’m not particularly interested in anyone. Not even interested in love at all. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain, but it feels like there’s always something unresolved weighing on me.

Due to my father’s job, my whole family had to move here abruptly. It was very sudden; one morning my mom said we were moving, and by evening, we were out of the house. Luckily, we had a house already bought, which made things a bit easier, but I moved into a condo by myself for easier commuting to school.    Honestly, I didn’t want to come here at all. I really didn’t. It felt like I was leaving someone behind without a chance to explain or tell the truth. I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye, as if all those years of effort were for nothing. I should have had the courage to tell him a long time ago.

Time passed…

I’m now far away, in a different part of the country, unable to meet or contact him. It makes me sad, but there’s still this faint hope that someday we might cross paths somewhere in this world.

And then, will my feelings still be the same…

And what would he think? I don’t know either…But I’m sure by now he must hate me.

I once went through our old chat messages; it made me wish I could turn back time if I could, but I had to face reality: his Facebook account was closed. He changed his phone number too, making any chance of contact zero. Even if I tried to find him, he probably wouldn’t want to see me.

And no matter what…the smiles of others. They’ve never made me as happy as his smile did.

One day, while checking documents for my mother, who funds scholarships and donates a lot to this university under the name “Lady Ratana”, earning much respect, she asked me to help check the scholarship applications for this year to see if all documents were complete. I was going through them with a sense of boredom when I came across one file:

Panupong Podhithasin, Faculty of Veterinary Medicine, Year 1

This is…

I glanced over at the photo of the student in the top right corner of the paper.

Yes, indeed…

“Think of it this way, everything depends on ‘time and opportunity’.”    A voice echoed in my mind. I had used this phrase to comfort myself, like tricking myself into believing there was still hope, that my time and opportunity would come someday.

But maybe it really could happen…

The whole day, I kept thinking about this, pondering various scenarios. What should I do? Would we meet? How much would he have changed? If we actually met face to face, how would I act? Would he remember me at all? And so on, these thoughts just kept circling.

If he knew I was studying here too, I bet…someone like him would be up all night.

“Hill, hey, Hill.” The voice of the person next to me snapped me out of my reverie.    “What?”

“What are you daydreaming about? Help with the work.” said Johan, or Jo for short, one of my friends from the same faculty. He’s lively, playful, and gets along with everyone. He approached me first. Not sure how we ended up in the same group. Honestly, he’s quite the flirt, and being rich, he can casually date anyone. I’ve given up trying to remember his girlfriend’s name.

There are four of us in our group. Sitting next to me right now is Johan, as I’ve introduced. Across from me, busy working and ignoring everyone, is “Tonfah”, who others might see as quiet, cool, and good-looking, but he’s not really that quiet. Despite appearances, Tonfah is the faculty’s vice-president.

Next to Tonfah is “Arthit”, the crazy one who gives you a headache when you talk to him. He looks tough but is sincere. Though he can be quite blunt, unlike Johan who’s like a sly fox.

“Yeah, you’re just staring at your phone.” Arthit adds to what Johan said.    “You haven’t started yet, Arthit. You’re not doing anything either, Jo. You’re leaving Tonfah to do all the work alone.” I comment. I’m not really taking advantage, but I just want a brief break before diving into the work. I just had class, after all.

“You guys are the ones who are lazy, I’ll write my name on this and submit it to the professor.” Tonfah says without looking up from his paper. “Here, take this part, Hill. This is yours, Jo, Tit.” Tonfah handed out thick stacks of paper. His method of work distribution is just throwing it out there. Whoever does what, as long as there’s good work to submit.

“Lazy bunch, I swear if we weren’t studying medicine.” Arthit grumbled but took the work anyway.

“Yeah, might as well flunk out.” Johan chimed in.

“Ha, that dude with the milk, acting all dreamy. Last final exam, I nearly got an F.” Arthit pointed at me.

“Well, I’ve got to do my best, don’t I?” I said, rummaging through my backpack for a pen.

“You better do just enough. If this group fails, the whole faculty goes down. You got a 98, that’s an A, right? Tonfa got a 90, that’s a B. Shit, I got an 84, I felt like I was almost ‘taking the dog home’.”

‘Taking the dog home’ means getting a D grade, or Dog. If A equals Ant, B equals Bird, C equals Cat, when grades come out, they ask what’s the least desirable animal, that’d be an F, for Fish.

“Dad told me to ‘do good’ for the project, and said the house was full of howling dogs last night.” Arthit laughed, “Instead of competing for grades, why don’t we collaborate to get even scores? We could all ‘raise ants’ together.”

“Are you studying entomology to raise bugs? Everyone wants good grades.” Johan said before turning back to his phone.

“Oh, Jo, you traitor. I thought we were in this together. In the end, you changed colors.” Arthit said with a disappointed tone.

Then we didn’t speak for nearly twenty minutes because each of us was absorbed in what we were doing with our hands. Once my mind started racing, I didn’t want to stop; I wanted to finish the work. Until Tonfa broke the silence:    “Phew, finally done with topic 1.1.”

“I finished 1.3 too.” I said, putting down my pen and stretching my neck a couple of times to relieve the stiffness.

“I’m almost done, just a bit more,” said Arthit. I glanced over at Johan, who was scribbling away with intense focus.

“Done, done!” Johan and Arthit said simultaneously.

“Are you guys competing or what?” asked Tonfa.

“Nah, but finishing first feels good.” Jo said before taking a sip of his coffee. “Hey, Hill, I’ve been meaning to ask, what was up with that last photo you posted?” Arthit asked, recalling something.

“Yeah, what’s with the ‘pay for new treats, pay whatever’? Are you playing the rich kid game now?” Johan chimed in teasingly, “It’s all over Twitter with this hashtag. Who’s the watch owner?” He held up his phone to show me.

“New hashtag? I haven’t seen it.” I took his phone to look, realizing I hadn’t checked my Twitter since posting that photo yesterday. The watch on that junior’s wrist had sparked this hashtag.

“Who is it? I really want to know. You don’t date the faculty stars, you don’t care about Dao. Saw Baifern waiting for you that day, I felt so sorry for her, I really wanted to comfort her.” Johan said, twisting around in a way that was quite eerie.

“I just don’t want to say anything yet.” I said, handing my phone back to Johan.

“Keeping secrets from friends.” Tonfa remarked.

“Alright, I’ll introduce you guys later.”

“Are you courting someone?”

“No idea.”

“Cheh, someone like Hill trying to court someone, I thought you were hopeless. But at your level, you’d need to court? I think just telling her you like her would make her swoon.”

“Nah, this one’s tough.”

“Really? So, how tough on a scale of one to ten?”

“Maybe a ten.” I thought for a moment before answering Johan. Hmm…he really is that tough for me.

   “Then she’s not just any star who’s come following you up to this point, oh, your little star, can I have Baifern then?” Johan said with a cheeky grin.

“Up to you, just be careful not to mix up your tracks.” I said nonchalantly. Johan never takes anyone seriously, always teasing this one or that one. He has so many girls in his circle, I wonder if he remembers them all.

“Watch out, Jo, if you meet someone you’re serious about, it’ll be trouble.” Tonfa warned, true to his role as the group’s wise one.

“Ugh, that’s tough to say, I don’t think I’ll find that in this lifetime, better to stay like this forever.”

“Who’ll take care of you when you’re old?”

“I’m rich.”

“Okay, that’s settled.” Tonfa sighed, rolling his eyes. That’s right, Johan really is rich; his family has big businesses. He’s also started his own ventures and is already continuing the family business. He doesn’t want to be seen as living off his parents’ wealth, so he’s been doing things on his own since high school. If you have money, finding someone to take care of you isn’t hard, but whether you’ll find true love is another question.

“So, in conclusion, our Hill is starting to be paired up. That leaves only us floating aimlessly, right?” Arthit said, sounding annoyed.

“Paired up? I haven’t even done anything yet.” I said. “And Tonfa, you aren’t exactly a saint either, I’m starting to smell love coming from you.”    “Really? Tonfa too? Who is it?”

“Crazy Hill, just talking nonsense.” Tonfa said, uninterested.

“I know, alright. You can hide anyone, but just don’t hide me.” Tonfa usually doesn’t talk about himself much. If he had someone he loved, he probably wouldn’t tell anyone, but I’ve started noticing it recently. I’m not sure, but it’s these little signs that make me suspect something.

“Ha, nonsense. Why don’t you try looking at Arthit, he might be the one hiding something.”

“Hold on, what am I hiding?”

“Arthit…he’s totally dead inside.” said Johan, “Too rough. Doesn’t know how to be gentle with women.”

“Alright, just leave me be.”

“Well then, Hill, if there’s anything you need to discuss, let me know. I’ve got to go, I have an appointment.” Johan said before getting up from his chair, “Tun, keep the work for me.”

“Who are you meeting, your girlfriend?”

“No, it’s my babe.”

“Who?” Johan didn’t reply, just smiled and waved dismissively.

“Forget it, Tun. Don’t bother trying to remember his girlfriend’s name.” I said resignedly.

After that, we all went our separate ways once the work was done satisfactorily. Tonfa, being the team leader, took care of the paperwork. Even though I do well in school, I don’t like to complicate things for myself. Being the president of the club is the same. Initially, I didn’t want to be one at all, but my mother insisted, so I just went along with it. Once you take on a role, you have to do it to the best of your ability.

I pressed the remote to unlock my favorite car, but this car my dad allowed me to use tends to attract too much attention. I don’t really like driving around and being stared at. I wanted to ask for another car from home, but they’re all just as conspicuous, if not more so.

Upon arriving at my condo, I parked in my reserved spot. Since reserving a parking space under the condo, life has become much easier; no need to circle around looking for a spot. I just drive in and park. The rental fee is manageable too.

Once I got to my room, I tossed my backpack onto the large sofa, loosened my tie to relieve some discomfort. My mom found this condo for me; it’s spacious with all the necessary amenities. There’s a large living room, a bedroom big enough for three people to sleep comfortably, and a small kitchen corner with all the cooking equipment ready.

I opened my computer, logged into my Facebook account.

There’s this one account I recently came across. It’s fairly new, so there aren’t many posts or pictures, and considering the owner’s personal habits, they don’t seem like the type to post on Facebook daily. I scrolled through, looking at older posts. Some of the statuses made me wonder if they were about me.    Easter Panupong – May 12: Yay, I passed the exam. I’m going to the northern region now.

   I’ve been scrolling back through my posts since I created this account.

Easter Panupong – May 28: I’m going to be far away. I feel strangely sad.

   Easter Panupong – June 5: Added 1 new photo in Rayong Province.    It was a landscape photo of a place with a caption – Good memories before we don’t see each other again.

   I remember this place; it was the first spot we visited together. At that time, I just wanted to take him somewhere. I remember it was quite far and the journey was tough, but when we arrived, it was worth it because of the smiles on our faces. I was so caught up in his charm that I forgot about the near two-hour drive.

Easter Panupong – July 18: Added 1 new photo.

   A picture of the night sky, but with beautiful twinkling stars, captioned – Same sky, this was the last post. After that, it was just check-ins for meals and some minor complaints.

   If he posts something that refers to me, it means he still remembers…

   Even if his feelings might have changed…

   Before this, I wasn’t sure at all. I wasn’t even trying to wait, but it seemed like I

couldn’t move on, even without hope. After not seeing or contacting each other for a full year, the longing that once was intense began to fade until I could let go.

   Sometimes I thought I had forgotten…

   But I couldn’t open my heart to someone else.

   These two things contradict each other. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to imagine what if we met by chance again. I thought I could act indifferent and wouldn’t feel anything anymore.

   But that’s not true at all…

   Just a glimpse of his face, all the time I spent thinking, trying everything to stop missing him, trying to fill the void in my heart, all of it crumbled so easily.

   I understood immediately at that moment…

   My heart has always needed only him…

   And it will be like this forever…

   

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