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SMNTCERR, Chapter 91: #9. 

   While walking with his mind empty, Sangwoo suddenly passed by the student cafeteria. He saw a red sign in front about ten meters away. The items that reminded him of Jang Jaeyoung were everywhere in this university. The day he wrote on the blackboard with a magic marker to answer the questions in class, “Engineering Mathematics 2”, came back to his memory. 

   Sangwoo walked into the restaurant as if something was drawing him in. He sat down at the same table as he sat on that day and ordered the same pepperoni pizza that he ate that day. People in the pizza place were gathered in groups, but Sangwoo sat alone and ate a plate of mildly spicy and salty pepperoni pizza. 

   After paying and walking out of the store, he headed towards the planned shop to buy his usual coffee. As he passed through the bakery zone, the instant noodle zone, and the ice cream zone, he would come across three beverage coolers, ‘Black Holic’, located in the third cooler, on the fifth shelf, but Sangwoo’s gaze turned towards the second shelf. 

   “…”

   He stared at a can of dark red for a moment, as if competing for attention before opening the cooler and picking the one at the very back. As he held the can at the cashier, the store owner looked at Sangwoo with strange eyes, as if he had bought an unbuyable drink.

   Sangwoo sipped his caffeine drink and walked leisurely around the university. He walked without haste and didn’t think of checking the time by lifting his wristwatch before throwing the empty cola can into the trash bin in front of a student club.

   After walking continuously, he arrived at a large gate. In front, on the wide lawn, a few students were resting as if completely exhausted, like a piece of dried cloth just taken out of a washing machine. It didn’t look as strange as when he saw it for the first time… Sangwoo looked at the scenery in silence before slowly walking towards it.

   He walked on the grass until he reached the center and sat down to meditate before inhaling the scent of grass and glancing at the image of a white butterfly fluttering by, a little further away a female student was lying down with her legs stretched out while covering her face with a book.

   Sangwoo took off his backpack and laid it on the grass before lying his head down with a sense of embarrassment. At first, he felt unnatural, but after a brief moment, he felt surprisingly comfortable. Surprising himself, a gentle moist breeze blew, carrying the feeling of early summer. He took off his black cap and placed it on his stomach, letting his horse-like hair flutter in the wind.

   “Pie-nee-pie-nee-tai-pie-nee…” [1.]

   Sangwoo looked at the clouds floating in the gray sky and soon fell asleep. Even though it was such a good day, he still felt empty inside, but regardless, it was still a refreshing day to the point that even sadness didn’t matter.

   Sangwoo lay on the grass like a heartless person with nothing to do, pulling out emotions that have been locked away for the past four months. Jang Jaeyoung arrived forty minutes late, starting off their encounter with anger, provocation, fluidity. Unfairness. Distrust, and hatred.

   Then Jaeyoung pretended to be a good person, cooked meals, drew pictures, and helped him with Chinese dramas. Sangwoo started to compete for his heart, little by little, starting from when the other side was just a “sunbae” At that time, he thought that the reason his heart was racing was because of anger, and when the other side whispered in his ear in the library, he became stiff and thought that there was something wrong with his body.

   Sometimes, when their feelings of love started to grow, it seemed to be while they were creating games together. Sangwoo’s heartbeat would accelerate, his blood would rush, and he would gradually have feelings, an increased frequency of laughter and jokes from the other side, countless kisses, dates at the movies where Jaeyoung looked especially good, sex that made him feel good like never before, warm and strong embraces, walks not to reach a destination but to walk together, basketball betting that interested him more than playing, and joyrides in the car that were more thrilling than the nighttime scenery.

   Jaeyoung was a person with diversity, like clothes that the owner wore. The other side was a person who adorned themselves with the colors of anxiety, the purple of happiness, the dark blue of success, the golden color of joy, and the red color of contentment in Sangwoo’s world. There were also splashes of red and purple of longing, the intense yellow of fear, the gray of worry, the white of fear, and the black of despair.

   ‘Miss you.’ 

   The sentence that came up most often in his mind over the past ten days appeared once again, but even so, he knew very well that it was useless. The real world he lived in did not have magic like in the game.

   ‘Miss you so much.’ 

   Nonetheless, Sangwoo continued to wander aimlessly, as if there was nothing happening, but while he was thinking like a fool, shadows began to fall on his face. Sangwoo blinked a few times, with a slight frown of irritation.

   “Where have you been all this time?” And then, a miracle happened.

   Jang Jaeyoung stood and turned around, allowing the sun’s rays to shine down on Sangwoo. The other side wore jeans and a white t-shirt, with crooked fingers like a talon gripping onto a red Jaws shirt worn familiarly, three earrings reflecting the sunlight, and round metal glasses perched on the nose. Sangwoo blinked his eyes two or three times, thinking that this may be a dream, but the image he saw remained the same.

   “Ni hao.” [2] 

   “That pronunciation is the same as before. What have you been studying all this semester?”

   Jaeyoung’s posture that appeared in the past twelve days seemed like nothing was happening. Sangwoo pretended to not feel anything, glanced at the sky, but his heart pounded so loudly that he was afraid it could be heard from the outside. Jaeyoung sat down next to him, leaning close.

   “Good news and bad news, which news do you want to hear first?”

   “I don’t want to hear either of them.”

   “The good news is that I’m moving house.”

   “Oh, okay.”

   His slender finger moved closer and gently touched Sangwoo’s forehead.

   “Because of you, I couldn’t finish my studies and broke our agreement.”

   “Why is it my fault? It’s your fault for trying to improve your grades without doing anything different.”

   “I miss the way things used to be.”

   Jaeyoung’s laughter sounded gentle. Although he couldn’t see the image of the other person laughing with his own eyes, his body experienced numerous chemical reactions. Sangwoo chose to close his eyes.

   “And the bad news?”

   “The bad news is… you have to help me move.”

   “No, it seems like you see me as weak, but I’m not helpless. It’s better this way.”

   “You’ve finished your exams, and you have nothing else to do, right? Please help me. I’ll treat you to a meal.”

   “No, thanks.”

   “I’ll treat you to a drink.”

   “No, thanks.”

   “I’ll give you a kiss.”

   “…”

   Sangwoo opened his mouth but couldn’t say anything. When he turned to look to the side, his eyes met with Jaeyoung, who was trying not to laugh. Sangwoo wanted to scold him with a few words, but his mouth instead responded according to his inner thoughts.

   “Forget it…for now.”

   Jaeyoung laughed a little, looking very good that it hurt Sangwoo’s heart. When he looked at me with a mischievous gaze, Jaeyoung turned his head slightly and asked again.

   “Here? Really?”

   “Yes.”

   “I’m almost graduating. It doesn’t matter, but there will be rumors about you kissing a man.”

   “I don’t care.”

   “No. I’ll kiss you a lot later.”

   “Do it now. Don’t bother pretending to be a good person.”

   Jaeyoung lifted his face with an indescribable expression. The other party lowered his gaze and approached, covering both of their heads with the jacket that used to be on their shoulders. Then the vision turned completely red. Jaeyoung, who was covered in red, quickly moved closer, and just before their lips touched, he closed his eyes and turned his head slightly to the side.

   The lower lips of Sangwoo touched the tongue of Jaeyoung in a wide range. Then the lower lip was sucked into the mouth of the other party. Sangwoo forgot how to breathe and was motionless like a statue. Although he was the one who asked for it first, his heart beat uncontrollably and he couldn’t concentrate. Shortly after, the red curtain disappeared, along with the sunlight shining on their eyes again. The short and intense kiss left only the scent of vanilla on the remaining part of their lips.

   “Sometimes you’re too daring.”

   Jaeyoung sat still, murmuring quietly. Although he couldn’t see his face because the other party turned away, his neck and ears were stained red.

   “Let’s go. House moving.”

   Sangwoo stood up reluctantly.

   Since he had received payment, he had no choice but to help. But Sangwoo was not satisfied with this situation, as he thought that he would never meet Jaeyoung again and would overcome his loneliness. He planned to lock himself up at home during the semester break to focus on writing code. However, Jaeyoung appeared again and disrupted Sangwoo’s plan, just like before.

   Jaeyoung’s house had cheap boxes scattered throughout the house after important furniture such as the TV and desk had disappeared. Sangwoo worked quietly as if he was hired labor. Jaeyoung didn’t bother him and treated him like a younger brother calling for help in real work. Sangwoo picked up countless clothes in the closet, arranging them in boxes in the most efficient way. Then he moved the boxes to the car without complaining, before putting the garbage in large trash bags.

   After finishing work, it was already six o’clock. Jaeyoung suggested ordering

   Jajangmyeon to eat together, but Sangwoo was facing pressure to leave Jaeyoung quickly.

   “Okay then. I’m leaving.”

   “Where are you going? You should help me move to my new house.”

   “This should be enough, right?”

   “I’ll kiss you again.”

   Sangwoo took a deep breath and turned away.

   “It’s okay. I’ll do it for free.”

   He felt like he had been robbed with just one kiss, and if they kissed again, Sangwoo might lose his self-control and say something strange to the other party.

   Jaeyoung called the Chinese restaurant and ordered sweet and sour deepfried pork with Jajangmyeon for two. They were separated in different rooms until the food arrived. Sangwoo pretended to be busy organizing the room, but in reality, he didn’t do anything, while Jaeyoung was doing something that he couldn’t know.

   After the delivery person had left, they met again in the living room and laid the newspaper on the empty space before sitting down, unwrapping the plastic. Then they started eating the food in the bowls, quietly eating together for a while. Sangwoo then asked.

   “Where are you moving to?”

   “You should’ve asked that from the beginning.”

   “So, where are you going?”

   “Near the university.”

   “Why?”

   “It’s my business.”

   “I see.”

   Sangwoo started eating again, his eyes fixed on the end of the newspaper, and he stubbornly twirled the noodles covered in black sauce in his mouth. In his mind, he wondered why the other party was looking for a new home even though he was about to start studying in another month, but he didn’t ask.

   Meanwhile, Jaeyoung called his name.

   “Sangwoo.”

   “Yes, why?”

   Sangwoo stared at the chicken soup and then answered, while his hand holding the chopsticks came into view.

   “Your mouth is stained with black sauce.”

   “After I finish eating, I’ll wipe it once… You don’t have to bother.”

   “It’s too annoying to the point that I can’t even eat.”

   Sangwoo looked up before meeting Jaeyoung’s smiling eyes, and at that moment, anger surged. While he was struggling in a broken-down body with his daily life destroyed, the other party still looked comfortable and at ease, which made him angry enough to put the bowl down with a loud sound. “What kind of habit is this?! If you’re that lazy, I can do it.”

   Jaeyoung reached out without any warning and hugged Sangwoo’s neck, with his face right in front with just a blink of an eye.

   “Do… do what?”

   Jaeyoung didn’t answer, and that movement made his eyelashes slightly tremble. Jaeyoung was too close. The other party blinked, examining

   Sangwoo’s lips before using his tongue to wipe the sauce instead of the tissue in his hand.

   “…”

   Sangwoo was so startled that he couldn’t react and just allowed himself to be the one being done to, even when Jaeyoung used his tongue to lick around the edges of his lips, or even when his lips were completely taken over by the other party, he could only sit there with wide-open eyes. When the other party returned to his seat and picked up his chopsticks as if nothing had happened, his heart pounded as if it would explode, the stimulation coming along with the trembling changed into anger and sadness in an instant. Sangwoo felt like crying.

   “Next time, don’t do this impulsively again, okay?”

   Sangwoo frowned and spoke sharply, not giving Jaeyoung a chance to respond.

   “Once the agreement is made that I will help, I will help you move the items to the new house. Then I will go back home.”

   “That’s fine.”

   “After that, there’s no need to contact or come to see me again.”

   It seemed that Jang Jaeyoung did not take Sangwoo’s tense words seriously, as he continued to eat a piece of fried pork with an unaffected expression. Sangwoo lost his appetite completely and left the other side like that, entering the room.

   ________________________________________.

   [1] “Pie-nee-pie-nee-tai-pie-nee…” At this point, Sangwoo pronounced it incorrectly, pronouncing it like a Korean who liked to pull the sound of the first syllable together with the vowel sound of the second syllable. In cases where the consonant of the second syllable is a sound, it should be pronounced as “Phienoi-Phienoi-Tai-Phienoi….” [2] “Neeha-o.” = Ni hao. 

    

      SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

SMNTCERR, Chapter 90: #8. 

   As he returned to his room, Sangwoo folded the loose papers from the supermarket together and immediately threw them in the trash box. He then checked the utility bills one by one: gas, telephone, and electricity, and placed them in order behind. Finally, he reached the last unaddressed envelope written, ‘Chu Sangwoo’, with difficult-to-read handwriting in the lower right corner, while white envelopes and bank debt notices fell to the floor in Sangwoo’s hands.

   His heart was pounding as if it was about to burst through his skin.

   Sangwoo cautiously opened the letter. Then his eyes lit up as he looked inside.

   “Ah…”

   Inside the envelope was a rectangular piece of fabric with a black background and a polaroid photo of someone Sangwoo missed. The other person was in a performance costume and was looking directly at Sangwoo with a confident and unique expression on their face. The back of the picture had a short handwritten note.

   [I know you’ll be busy during the exams, but come and see me. 

   I’ll be performing for only five minutes, so you can just watch me and leave.] 

   Sangwoo carefully read the spaced-out handwritten text, different from the repeated texts. Then tears began to fall, and he quickly wiped them with his sleeves, afraid the ink would smear.

   ‘It’s too late now, hyung.’ 

   However, tears continued to flow. He must have checked the mailbox earlier, knowing it was useless to be sad, but his mind was still filled with resentment for a time he couldn’t go back to. Jaeyoung, who dressed as a thief, was performing on stage. He missed the other person too much, but in the end, he failed, not for any reason other than his own jealousy. These thoughts made him feel angry, resentful, and suffocating.

   His nose and tears continued to stream. Despite his attempts to sniff and wipe them, it wouldn’t stop. Sangwoo had no resistance to a disease he had just experienced for the first time.

   ‘I am an idiot who knows nothing at all.’

   After that, his big mind returned. Sangwoo washed his face, blew his nose, and then drank 500 milliliters of water in one go. His chest moved up and down with each heavy breath, and his eyes were filled with a fierceness he had never experienced before.

   ‘But we learn from failure.’

   Although the size of the triangle may increase, the sum of the angles will not change. Small problems from small events turn into big problems in big events. Sangwoo learned from what he encountered today. No, it was not the time to give up like this. Just by not watching a single episode of the drama, tears welled up in his eyes. After Jaeyoung left for real, he had to cry and think about the other party every day, that was certain.

   He replaced every variable with English alphabet letters to remove the emotions and viewed this matter impartially with the eyes of a third person.

   [Condition: X likes to be physically close to Y.

   Problem: There is going to be a physical distance that has meaning between X and Y. Solution:

1.    “Do not change the position of Y.
2.    “Change the position of Y to be the same value as Y.

iii.     “X adjusts to fit the physical distance with Y.]

   He could think of only three ways. Sangwoo replaced the English alphabet letters with his name again before being slightly surprised, because there were two methods mentioned by Jihye.

   The first method uses the value of Jaeyoung’s name in Y. Jaeyoung’s study abroad is a constant value, not a variable. Sangwoo has no authority over that decision, and he didn’t want to influence that decision either. Sangwoo began to consider the second solution [1].

   ‘What about studying? What about living? What about visas? What about the cost of living? What about language? Also, X has plans for life too. It is impossible to make a decision without caring about anything like that.’ 

   He walked firmly to the computer, pressed the power button, and sat down on the chair. As soon as the desktop appeared, he immediately moved his hand restlessly and searched for various keywords before disappearing. It included types of American visas, how to apply for visas, studying abroad, Hankuk University homepage, student exchange conditions, cost of living in  America, and plane tickets. Sangwoo sat in one place without moving for an hour and had accumulated information in the amount of three A4 sheets of paper in his hands.

   Sangwoo’s decision was in turmoil and confusion between options that were not much. Life plan… He no longer had time to think about it. Sangwoo will graduate next year, work in the company he wants, and after going out with the condition of getting married, he should get married at the age of thirty. He had no plans to move abroad next semester, but he was busy searching for information like a lost person. That’s not something a successful social student does. It’s something that a foolish man in love does for survival.

   “The only way is to be an exchange student, huh.”

   Sangwoo looked through the documents compiled from the search results, but even the exchange student issue was not as expected. Among the programs offered by the university, there were only two programs that matched the Faculty of Engineering and were located in the same state as Jaeyoung’s graduate school. The rest had exceeded the application deadline. He had the qualifications for one of these two programs, but he had to submit his TOEFL score within three days.

   “This is terrible.”

   Stress began to creep in. If it was a program that started in the next semester, it might be possible, but there was no way for him to stay in America next month without any visa problems. Sangwoo felt hopeless and tried to make a slight change.

   “[ii.’Change the position of X in another 6 months to match Y.]”

   But in the end, was this really a solution? No need to ask if he could endure during that time. The thing to think about was how Jang Jaeyoung would react to the situation when they meet again in the second half of the year after Sangwoo crossed rivers and seas to follow him.

   ‘Having said that, I’ve never heard.’

   Just talking about studying further. Jaeyoung would change the topic and never say anything seriously, so even the other party’s feelings, he could only guess vaguely. He couldn’t be sure.

   Sangwoo had never cared about those things before. Jaeyoung was someone who could do whatever he wanted. If he didn’t want to do it, he would refuse. The other party was not a variable but a constant, so he was not someone Sangwoo could influence or negotiate with. Jaeyoung was an obstacle that kept teasing him, a talented designer, an efficient tool to satisfy sexual needs, and…

   Sangwoo sighed.

   ‘Why are you thinking alone, you rude kid? You should ask about my feelings and thoughts a little, shouldn’t you?’ 

   ‘This is not a competition, don’t forget that it is a collaboration.’ 

   Have I ever asked him how he plans his life? What Does he think? How does he feel when he sees me? Why did he respond when I invited him to play a game? Why does he want to sleep with me? Why does he laugh just by seeing me? Why does he like to come to my house? Have I ever asked him about those things?

   At that time, he didn’t care about what Jaeyoung was thinking, what they wanted to do, what they planned to do after studying, how they would live after graduating, when they would get married, he was just curious about this much.

   The variable, “Jang Jaeyoung’s heart”, made everything complicated. Sangwoo was ready to deduce and implement the most appropriate solution, but before that, he hesitated to make a decision because the variable he knew was just a constant.

   Sangwoo knew Jang Jaeyoung as someone with low tolerance, easily agitated, unstable, inconsistent, and who treats everything as a joke. Now the other side is showing interest in Sangwoo and behaving as if they have romantic feelings, but how will it be after half a year? Will the other side still be waiting for him?

   ‘It seems boring. That guy didn’t really want to date anyone from the beginning.’ 

   Yoona said that the average duration of dating the other side is less than three months. Even though the other side seemed reluctant, they started dating, but data still had doubts about the possibility of failure. If he changes his life plans and goes to America in the next six months, Jaeyoung will be colder toward him. If Jaeyoung finds a new love. If Jaeyoung says that he doesn’t want to do anything with Sangwoo anymore, what should he do?

   ‘I am very tired, hyung.’

   Sangwoo sat silently for a moment. No matter what he thought, he couldn’t easily choose the second option. That was a reasonable conclusion when considering the information, situation, and life plans together. The only remaining option right now is the third option. [iii. “X adjust to the physical distance, with Y.] That was the starting point.

   The four-month period he had with Jang Jaeyoung was just one point in his long-lasting life, a diverging point that couldn’t be graphed as a constant beginning and ending. Sometimes it could turn into the most overwhelming and happiest time in his life, even without the other side, but even if there was no other side, his life would not end. Sangwoo had to think carefully about how he would continue to live if Jaeyoung left now.

   There is no other way than to decrease desire in order to cope with the inevitable lack of resources, in order for it to become zero, so that the day the other party is no longer necessary will surely come, because humans are not basic resources necessary for survival like air, water, or food.

   Sangwoo turned off the computer, then picked up Jaeyoung’s Polaroid photo and lay down on the bed. His heart was heavy and overwhelmed with sadness, but he didn’t have the strength to cry. Sangwoo looked at the photo.

   He lived his life thinking that he was a black mamba snake in the forest, not fearing anything, excelling in everything, and if he tried, he could possess what he wanted. What others said was difficult was not difficult for Sangwoo, and what others said was challenging was not challenging for Sangwoo either.

   ‘I am like a machine with no emotions.’

   It seemed like he was being rolled around like a dust suction robot, but not being overwhelmed by emotions was his greatest strength. This strength made

   Sangwoo not useless like other people and always able to focus on the efficient things.

   ‘It’s not like that anymore.’

   Before, he might have lived without fearing anything like Superman, but after encountering Jang Jaeyoung, a kryptonite. Sangwoo lost his superpowers and eventually became an ordinary person.

   Sangwoo stared at Jaeyoung for a moment before gently kissing the photo.

   return 0;

   The exam period passed quickly, almost like a rocket. If someone in the distant future asks him what was the worst period in his life, Sangwoo could confidently answer that it was a certain week. He had never faced an exam without preparation like this before in his life.

   During the final exams of the second year of junior high school, he was sick with a high fever for five days, but his abilities in normal times allowed him to still be ranked first in school. In the first year of high school, he had to attend his grandmother’s funeral the day before the exam, so he didn’t study all day, but of course, the result came out that he was the top of the school. Even after entering university, he still maintained his statistics A+. in every subject except for A0, which was infamous for the subject “Basic Chinese Language.”

   ‘This semester was a disaster.’ 

   At least it could be said that he was lucky to only have to study five subjects in order to create games. The major subject that he had basic skills in from regular reading, he was able to solve problems. However, the subject

   “Intermediate Chinese” was a concern, while the subject “Contemporary Culture and Cultural Theory” seemed insignificant. After the exam, Sangwoo was able to call Jihye to compare answers, but he didn’t suspect anyone knew about his score.

   Sangwoo walked to the cafeteria feeling frustrated. In his mind, it was both gloomy and dark, but the red sun floating high in the sky suddenly shone brightly, giving him a feeling like someone else. Sangwoo looked up at the sun with wide eyes and stood still for a moment.

   ‘Just looking at the sky reminds me. And you want to reduce desires?’ 

   A sneering smile appeared on his lips. Desires had long been severed, but the desire did not diminish even a little, even just for yesterday’s matter. He deleted the “Jang Jaeyoung” folder permanently so that it couldn’t be recovered. And then wasted time looking for the files again, which was useless.

   He pushed aside his studies and searched for ways to conquer unrequited love and ways to abandon attachments on the internet to try and practice, but it was all in vain. He tried ordering special food. He tried sleeping for a long time. He tried listening to music. He tried watching movies… Jang Jaeyoung still didn’t know how to disappear from his heart.

   ‘Can I overcome it?’ 

   On the internet, it said that time heals everything, but there was no guarantee that people like Sangwoo suffered from the same burning pain, which everyone encounters growing up. But it was hard to believe. This kind of agonizing pain doesn’t happen to everyone for sure.

   ________________________________________.

   [1] Solution. Computer problem-solving method. 

    

      SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

SMNTCERR, Chapter 89: #7. 

   “Please line up, line up!”

   One person shouted loudly, while the students were organizing tables to sell tickets, and the line was so long that it curved three times. On the large black poster hanging on the wall next to them, it displayed the names of the actors along with their photos. When Sangwoo saw the picture of someone placed in the front, he ran in immediately.

   [Special Chapter ‘The Famous Pirate’ Francis – Jang Jaeyoung.]  

   Inside the rectangular frame, approximately the size of a card, was Jaeyoung in the make-up section of the pirate, looking proud, wearing a tilted hat and a fake beard.

   “…”

   Sangwoo stood still like a person stuck to the floor and stared at the photo for a moment before walking calmly to the end of the line. Then he felt like he had become a fool, but he had no other choice.

   The line slowly shortened. Sangwoo walked forward step by step, enduring amidst the crowd screaming like monkeys. As he waited continuously, he reached the queue of the person in front, a young woman buying six tickets.

   Then the two students who were selling tickets high-fived each other.

   “Wow! It’s the real exam period, but it still ended within thirty-five minutes.

   You’re really something.”

   “See? I did a good deal by putting it in front.”

   “But he’s not the protagonist. The advertisement is too exaggerated, he might be criticized.”

   “He appeared first according to the representation. Well, what about next semester?”

   Although Sangwoo was seen standing patiently, they kept talking without stopping until one of them noticed Sangwoo.

   “Sorry, the tickets are sold out.”

   “Why?”

   “Huh? I said it’s sold out.”

   “So you mean to say it’s sold out right in front of me, huh?”

   “Yes.”

   Considering the number of seats and the length of the waiting line, Sangwoo felt like he was hearing disappointing news after calculating the chances of the tickets being sold out before his turn.

   “Don’t you sell online? Is there any other way to watch?”

   “On the show day, if you buy tickets that people return, you can enter.”

   ‘I really want to watch it…’ 

   Even though Sangwoo was still standing in front, they have started collecting things. People in the back of the line complained and dispersed with regret, but Sangwoo didn’t move anywhere.

   “Is there really no other way?”

   “I’m sorry. They don’t have standing tickets at the theater.”

   “Are there really none?”

   “Yes.”

   “Think about it again, there really isn’t any other way.”

   “…He seems to be a fan club member of ours. At least give him a poster.”  Drama club members unwound the posters on the wall and handed them to Sangwoo with a pleading face.

   “You have to come quickly. Usually, it sells out fast because of the actors joining. Next semester should be better.”

   “There’s nothing to watch next semester. This kind of performance.” Sangwoo accepted the poster with a reluctant expression.

   On the way back home, Sangwoo felt intense stress. Even though the weather was sunny, his shoulders drooped as if being soaked with rain and he felt weak like a defeated person.

   ‘I need to…study, but…’ 

   Sangwoo parked his bike before pushing the glass door with a feeling of disappointment. He noticed a mailbox with the number 402. A flier came out. Although he had previously stuck a note saying, ‘Please do not insert flyers,’ it was useless. It used to be Sangwoo’s habit to check the mailbox every day, but today he felt so bored and annoyed that he left it alone like that.

   He unlocked the door and entered the dark and chilly room, a space that used to be peaceful and familiar, but now made Sangwoo feel uncomfortable.

   ‘What a fuck up!’ 

   He took a deep breath and carefully removed the rolled-up poster stuck to the side without causing any damage. In the picture, Jaeyoung looked so good that he overshadowed the other actors, but Sangwoo still didn’t understand why he felt a sharp pain in his chest instead of feeling good.

   After examining the small rectangular piece of fabric in each corner, this corner, and looking closely, he touched it with his fingertips before sticking the poster on the wall. He turned on his phone camera and focused on taking detailed pictures in case the poster got damaged. While he was about to take the shot, the phone screen changed.

   [Incoming call, model: Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, graphic design.] 

   Sangwoo was so startled that he almost dropped his phone. He tightened his grip on the phone and his eyes quickly wandered. After telling the other party through a text message to separate and only talk about projects, they never contacted each other again. He didn’t know if the other party had something important to do, or if they were dissatisfied. Or was it about the event? Or maybe the other party was in a dangerous situation?

   The moment he decided to listen to what the other end had to say before deciding whether to call back, the call was disconnected.

   “Oh, how nice…”

   Sangwoo let out a sigh of relief that he had been holding back at the corner of his mouth. There was nothing satisfying recently. While he was considering whether to call back or not, there was a notification on the phone screen.

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: Can I have your ID card number _14:22.] 

   Sangwoo frowned.

   [What for? _14:23.] 

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: I am applying for an adult website _14:23.] 

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: It’s about the budget. Hurry and send it _14:23.] 

   “Budget? What budget?”

   They agreed from the beginning of the project that they could manage the initial expenses and had never discussed the budget before.

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: Hey, I don’t have time anymore. _14:24.] 

   Sending text messages back and forth with the other party was also worrying. Sangwoo reluctantly gave his ID number, but even then, there were settings to alert him if it was stolen and used. If Jaeyoung actually used it to register for a real adult website, he would know right away. Sangwoo now wanted it to be enough, but Jaeyoung continued to bother him.

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: Do you have any certifications? 

   Like the Korean history knowledge test, backhoe license, ***TOEIC*** 

   _14:26.] 

   [Engineering technician license, certification, OCJP[1], Linux Master certification[2] _14:27.] 

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: No TOEIC? _14:27.] 

   [X _14:28.] 

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: You’re always doing something, that’s why you haven’t taken the TOEIC _14:28.] 

   ‘What’s the big fuss?’

   Sangwoo felt like throwing his phone.

   [I’m not a graduating student. Why should I take the TOEIC? And why are you asking? _14:29.] 

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: Seems like there’s a field to fill out when submitting the app for verification _14:29.] 

   [That’s not possible. _14:30.] 

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: No, I saw it _14:30.] 

   [Capture it and send it over for me to see. _14:30.] 

   [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung, Graphic Design: I’m busy, don’t bother me right now _14:31.] 

   Suddenly, Sangwoo wondered why Jaeyoung, who seemed really strange, would want to know other people’s identification numbers and be curious about certificates. He really couldn’t figure out what the purpose was. ‘But he didn’t just start acting strange.’ 

   Sangwoo took a deep breath and replied that he understood.

   He waited for three minutes, but there was no other message. Sangwoo didn’t immediately lock his phone or scroll to read the message again. He naturally slid his finger down to reveal the previous message. He carefully reread the detailed conversation between the two without realizing it. [Jaeyoung, ㅅㅂ♨:

   You appeared in my dream yesterday _3 a week ago.] 

   [Jaeyoung, ㅅㅂ♨: You were completely naked _3 a week ago.] 

   ‘You psycho.’

   [NonPaddler 3: Waxed _5, a week ago.] 

   [NonPaddler 3: When I asked for Americano _5, a week ago.] 

   ‘Lazy person.’

   [NonPaddler 3: Please call me. _4 a month ago.] 

   [NonPaddler 3: Are you the group leader?? I said let’s talk, how? _4, a month ago.] 

   [NonPaddler 3: No response, huh? _4 a month ago.] 

   “It’s beyond remedy to come back and read it again.”

   Sangwoo read back until he reached the first message before calmly putting his phone down.

   “Don’t space out too much, is your finger broken or something?” A bitter smile crept up on the corner of his mouth.

   return 0;

   Today is the day of the performance. On the Friday of the last week before the exam, the library was crowded with people almost exploding. But the entrance of the Cultural Center was still bustling with students who came to watch the semester performance of the drama club. Sangwoo arrived two hours before the show, leaving his number with the drama club members and asking them to contact him if there were any ticket returns. However, he couldn’t trust the other party, so he decided to stay nearby.

   There are still thirteen minutes left before the show starts. Although some students came and asked if there were any tickets left, there was no hope that anyone would return their tickets.

   ‘I have to buy that ticket.’ 

   Sangwoo held onto his groundless belief and looked at the line waiting to enter the meeting room to see if anyone would change their mind. He even sent out a wave of thoughts ordering them to return their tickets, even though he didn’t believe in such things anymore.

   There are eight minutes left before the show starts, and Sangwoo’s heart was beating fast and uncontrollably. Now, the club members are checking the tickets of the people in line and allowing them to enter the meeting room. When they saw the torn black background tickets, Sangwoo’s hope was also torn apart.

   ‘Why are there so many tickets, but none of them are mine?’ 

   Although Sangwoo thought that among those people, someone might return a ticket, everyone just kept talking to the person next to them with hopeful faces and walked into the meeting room.

   There are three minutes left before the show starts. Sangwoo is still restless. Nothing he wanted to do so badly in the past could be achieved, even though he had tried. This time, even though he lacked information and couldn’t buy tickets in advance, a miracle had to happen in the final second.

   ‘I want to watch, we must watch.’

   Sangwoo’s eyes kept looking at the first picture on the cast list. He had seen it so many times that he could draw it with his eyes closed. But he still kept the image of the other party with a messy wig, beard, and slanted pirate hat in his mind, with a mischievous glance and a slightly revealed tongue in their eye.

   Meanwhile, three minutes had passed, and the people who lined up to enter the meeting room were gone. As for the staff, they started collecting their belongings and taking down the posters on the wall. Sangwoo went to find one of those people with a feeling of disbelief. When the male student saw Sangwoo, he burst into dry laughter.

   “Haha, you haven’t left yet. Sorry, but no one returned their tickets.”

   “Really? None at all?”

   “Yes.”

   “Really? None at all?”

   “Yes.”

   “Really?”

   “…Okay.”

   No matter how many times he asked, the answer remained the same. Sangwoo stood there, blinking his eyes, his mind aware that it was because he wasn’t prepared ahead of time and missed the opportunity to enter and watch.

   But his heart wasn’t like that.

   “Hyungnim is performing inside, so why can’t I see him?”

   The cultural center building that he normally didn’t notice in the least seemed so vast and towering. Sangwoo had no way of entering, and even when the theater club members finished their performance and left, he remained where he was, without any hope, with only the darkness of the night left.

   He returned to the library and rode his bike parked in the lot. It was just a phenomenon of the changing amount of sunlight converging, but Sangwoo thought the darkness was frightening. He shot into the darkness and it triggered his anxiety and made his hair stand on end.

   ‘I should have bought tickets beforehand.’

   ‘At the very least, I should find ghost tickets.’

   ‘I should ask everyone who goes in to sell tickets at five times the regular price.’

   Sangwoo felt an overwhelming sense of regret for what had already passed.

   He couldn’t stand how pitiful he was, missing what he wanted while letting go.  When he entered the familiar alley, he hit the brakes to lower his speed. Sweat dripped unknowingly from his body, causing his black T-shirt to stick to his back. After locking his bike in the bike parking area, he walked into the building weakly. There were more advertising flyers inside than just a few days ago, torn at the entrance.

    “Damn it, didn’t I say not to put these here?”

   Sangwoo forcefully pulled the tightly stuffed flier out, and after doing so twice, he found some utility bill payment notices and bank debt statements inside. Sangwoo pulled out those documents at once and held them up as he climbed the stairs.

    ________________________________________.

[1]      OCJP, “Oracle, Certified, Java, Programmer.” Certification of skills and knowledge of programmers in the language Java, divided into 5 levels, including Oracle Certified Associate (OCA), Oracle Certified Professional (OCP), Oracle Certified Master (OCM), Oracle Certified Expert (OCE), and Oracle Certified Specialist (OCS). 

[2]      Linux Master. Certification from a comprehensive assessment of overall ability in using the Linux system. Certification is only valid at the national level and the examination is conducted by the Korea Association for Information Promotion and Communication. 

   ________________________________________. 

    

      SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

SMNTCERR, Chapter 88: #6. 

   [Love, 戀愛] 

   Intimate relationship between two people in love, based on physical attraction of human bodies. 

   “…”

   The definition made Sangwoo feel the heat rising from his throat and made his face gradually turn red.

   “X and Y are dating. Isn’t that right?”

   In that moment, Sangwoo felt a familiar feeling, which was the anger that always erupted every time he argued with his sister. His sister often dismissed his arguments as unimportant without any solid evidence. ‘It seems like all the artsy kids are like that.’ Sangwoo contemplated.

   “You probably don’t know anything, and just listen properly.”

   Sangwoo explained to Jihye in a slightly annoyed tone about the relationship between human lifestyles and social institutions. In history, social structures were established in a way that benefitted the development and prosperity of humanity, and since dating supported the core system [1], such as marriage, it emphasized that men who cannot give birth to new life cannot date each other.

   “…and that’s why there is only dating and marrying someone of the opposite sex that becomes the norm and is legally accepted.”

   Sangwoo spoke fervently before grabbing a bottle of water from his bag and drinking it. Jihye simply hugged her chest and listened quietly before searching for something on her mobile phone and speaking.

   “I will present a case for you to listen to, same-sex marriage is a trend that is favored by laws worldwide. There are fifteen countries that accept same-sex couples as a legal relationship, mainly developed countries such as North

   America, Europe, and so on.”

   “…”

   Then the woman presented a married couple living without children, and mentioned the group, DINKs [2], with tubal ligation or vasectomy, she proved step by step that marriage is not a prerequisite for having children. At the same time, dating is not a prerequisite for marriage. Then she firmly confirmed that humans can live according to their instincts in the prehistoric era, but as civilization advances, it evolves in a way that values ethics and individual freedom.

   Jihye, who was ready to fight with information, couldn’t be compared to her older sister who stubbornly clung to her own thoughts. Sangwoo felt a crisis because he was confident in general knowledge and scientific knowledge, but had little interest in contemporary events and knew almost nothing about samesex marriage or DINKs, so it was difficult for him to argue.

   “People who belittle the value of love, which is a human right like my sister, are no different from uncivilized people!”

   “…Calm down. You’re overreacting.”

   At that moment, Jihye, who had spoken for a full eight minutes without a pause, closed her mouth. Although Sangwoo understood the importance she was trying to convey, he was still not swayed.

   Although it can be said that humans have become more civilized and overcome some of their uncivilized behavior, every action has a purpose. Humans eat to have energy, sleep to rest their bodies, and have sex to reproduce. In the end, dating and marriage are just incidental results that occur for the purpose of procreation and raising stable children. Although there are people who date without getting married or get married without having children as Jihye mentioned, it does not mean that those actions are logical.

   “If not getting married or having children, what is the meaning of dating?

   Isn’t it just a waste of time?”

   When Jihye heard the question that Sangwoo raised, she seemed lost in thought and remained silent for about a minute before making eye contact with him.

   “Sunbae, why do you eat rice?”

   “Because I need a source of power.”

   “Oh, really, then… Why did you go to school?”

   “I will have a higher chance of surviving when I increase our expertise in my major and succeed socially.”

   “Yes, that’s true, um… um… oh! Why do you play games?”

   “…”

   Sangwoo felt a sense of unease as if he had stepped into a trap. Jihye lowered her eyes with a smile as if she could sense his feelings. Although Sangwoo tried to pretend that he didn’t feel anything, he was sweating.

   “Um… to stimulate the desire to overcome and provide meaning to life, and to have beneficial aspects such as knowledge, and so on. And…”

   “That’s the result, what I’m asking about is different goals.”

   Sangwoo, trapped by Jihye’s thoughts, was spinning around looking for a way to escape, but there was no way out. Gaming was an exception in his life because it was something he did without any purpose.

   “Because it’s fun. Isn’t that right?”

   “…Yes.”

   “Well then, it doesn’t contribute to the prosperity of mankind. You don’t have to play games anymore, it’s a waste of time.”

   Jihye smiled faintly. Sangwoo thought he didn’t need to listen to what the other side was trying to say, he seemed to understand… Jihye paused for a moment before reiterating to Sangwoo with a confident expression.

   “Having a boyfriend is like playing a game, you see. Generally, people date because they like the other person so much that they can’t stand it anymore, but I myself don’t really know.”

   “…”

   He opened his mouth, but couldn’t come up with a reason to argue back. Sangwoo was at a loss for words. Jihye used the hammer of logic to destroy the foundation of his stand.

   Suddenly, in Sangwoo’s mind, there were images of the nights he spent with Jang Jaeyoung, flashing by like a fast-paced movie. He worked and had sex with the other party, but then Sangwoo realized that the time he didn’t spend with Jaeyoung on those things seemed even longer.

   ‘Useless.’

   There is no denying the fact that it was a wasteful use of time. Jaeyoung often slid next to him and tempted him to play, sometimes playing something provocative that distracted him. However, those seemingly useless moments, which were etched in Sangwoo’s memory without missing a beat, also left a positive impression. Sangwoo felt the pain and tightly clenched his fists.

   “If I try to go back to the beginning, the fact that X and Y couldn’t be in a relationship because they were the same gender is not correct. Because they were already in a relationship, even if it’s called a mistake that they shouldn’t have an identity of being a couple, that doesn’t make all the characteristics of dating disappear.”

   ‘I lost.’

   Sangwoo bit his lip as if he had been repeatedly killed, just like everyone who studied humanities unreasonably. When Jihye saw Sangwoo’s face, she took a breath.

   “For now, it’s not about winning a debate against me, I have a class at one o’clock in the afternoon, but now I have to skip lunch to help you here.”

   “At least go now.”

   “There’s only ten minutes left to go eat something. Hurry up.”

   Jihye fell silent for a moment before looking into Sangwoo’s eyes and speaking with a serious expression.

   “Please tell Mister X, to stop doing useless things and take care of the person he loves. Go do something for them. The other party said he would go…”

   “…and as I said, they are not dating.”

   “And he should tell Y that if he really wants to go, damnit… Jokingly, I pray five hundred times that they won’t survive.”

   “…”

   “It’s so frustrating. After the exam, I’ll probably have to go get my eyes checked.”

   Jihye ‘s face looked blankly and looked at the sky as if she were an actress in a film. Then, she lifted her bag and stood up from her seat.

   “Fight on, Mister Chu. You can do it.”

   Before Sangwoo could respond, she smiled and left the classroom. ‘That’s strange.’ 

   Sangwoo sat quietly in an empty room for a long time.

   He reflected on the arguments he had had with Jihye multiple times, but in the end, he had to accept, with no other choice, that his standpoint had been annihilated. His life had always been about victories. First place, a hundred points, an example for others, the ultimate.

   He was unfamiliar with losing logically in an argument. No, it wasn’t just this time. Lately, all he had were memories of defeat, of being disturbed, disconcerted, intimidated, influenced, deprived, shaken, and stolen from. But the unfamiliar feeling wasn’t just because of the feeling of loss.

   ‘Even if you say black sheep shouldn’t exist, that won’t make them disappear.’ 

   Jihye’s words lingered in his mind. No matter how much she emphasized to herself that it was a feeling she shouldn’t feel, that she mustn’t feel, and that it was inappropriate, the persistent mistake remained and couldn’t be erased.

   ‘The desire that blossoms on the physical foundation.’ 

   A small hypothesis had a great impact on Sangwoo’s calm and peaceful world, lowering it to 99°C. Then, the month starting at 100°C, the moment he accepted that the time he spent with Jang Jaeyoung was dating. Sangwoo was disturbed by the desire to do everything with the other person.

   Working together, living together, exercising together, playing games together, eating together, watching movies together, sleeping together, studying together, taking pictures together, buying clothes together, and everything else that came to mind, the strange and constant desire turned into a feeling of wanting to live together in one house, get married, have a child similar to the other person, and the feeling was so intense that it seemed abnormal, clearly showing that he had gone so far as to make a goal that would never be true in biology.

   ‘Have you gone crazy, Chu Sangwoo?’ 

   Sangwoo tapped his head with his fist. It didn’t matter if the time he spent with Jang Jaeyoung was love or not and whether or not he could be with the other person. It no longer had any meaning. In less than a month, July will come. By then, it would be useless, truly useless.

   ‘What do you want me to do?’ 

   The question Jaeyoung left behind was no different from a riddle.

   “What can I do? Nothing at all.”

   Sangwoo pondered to himself, rising from his seat without realizing that lunch break had ended, and students for the next class were gradually entering the room.

   Sangwoo headed towards the cafeteria, his steps scattered, and he grabbed two spoons and a fork so he could eat with just one spoon, like during military training. His throat hurt because he didn’t clean the fish bone properly.

   “Sangwoo-Sunbae. Sangwoo!”

   Someone called out to Sangwoo on the way to the library, and instantly, he heard footsteps following, with the figure of someone walking beside him.

   “Hey, sunbae. I bought this for you.”

   A male student offered a plastic cup containing a black beverage, but Sangwoo waved his hand in refusal.

   “I already have coffee to drink.”

   “You have fine taste… Then I’ll buy something else for you another time.”

   “No need, why would you buy coffee for me?”

   “Oh, because of you I have got a good score, I have to buy it for you!”

   Does that mean the score from the mini-project presented yesterday was released? When Sangwoo asked what score he received, the other person answered that he got nineteen, the highest score. Hearing that, Sangwoo tilted his head.

   “Strange, they must have deducted one point somewhere.”

   “… It was deducted in the presentation skills, four points. Sorry.”

   The other person apologized repeatedly, but Sangwoo thought it wasn’t important anymore. He had lost interest in scores in this group.

   “Oh, everyone was so excited about the fantastic slide. Sunbae, you didn’t make it yourself, did he?”

   “No, a graphic design student made it.”

   “That’s right… I thought so. Many people want to have that template. Can I send it to them?”

   “No, it’s mine. The rights to view and use it are mine alone. You also should delete it forever.”

   “That is going too far.”

   They walked together to the library. It was a warm sunny day, a hot season that arrived unnoticed, causing even a slight movement to produce sweat along the spine. It had been a long time since anyone walked beside him, but the other side was not the person Sangwoo wanted to be with. He could feel the longing, which, even though strong-willed, covered him.

   “Do you not join coding clubs or academic associations, sunbae?”

   “No.”

   “Why not?”

   “There are plenty of open sources to study programming by yourself, right?

   The experts on the web are better than students.”

   “I’m considering whether to join an academic association next semester or not. So, not joining is better, right?”

   “You decide that yourself.”

   “Hmm. No, please give me some advice.”

   ‘Why are you being so annoying?’ 

   Sangwoo frowned and walked faster. It wasn’t like this before, but now everyone seemed to think he was easy to approach.

   “It seems like a lot of people are leaving there. It’s like a drama club.”

   When he heard the murmuring voices of this junior, his feet immediately stopped. As the other side said, at the point he pointed to, there were many people gathered together. 

   ________________________________________.

[1]      Core, or the brain of the CPU, used for primary processing. In this case, Sangwoo probably compares social structure to a computer, and one of the main components of that structure is employment. 

[2]      DINKs, “Double, Income, No, Kids.” The lifestyle of modern people who focus on dual income, getting married and living together without children. 

    

      SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

SMNTCERR, Chapter 87: #5. 

   [Jaeyoung, I can’t let it be like this anymore. In terms of feelings, I like you now… Unlike what we agreed on initially. I’ve never been like this before, so I’m scared and can’t think about what will happen if you leave. 

   So from now on, let’s stop seeing each other.]  

   [Jaeyoung, I can’t let it be like this anymore. In terms of feelings, I…] 

   [Hyung Jaeyoung] 

   [Hyung] 

   [Hyung, I am currently in the midst of exams, so I will not be attending the meeting on Sunday. After that, we will work separately without needing to have meetings. _02:31.] 

–     [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : I am going to buy glasses, can you recommend which ones are good? _02:33.] 

–     [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : “Sent a picture.” _02:33.]  – [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : “Sent a picture.” _02:33.] 

   [Have you read my message? _02:34.] 

–     [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : I have read it. _02:34.] – [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : Choose 1 or 2 quickly. 

   _02:35.] 

   [1. Please give me the price. My current glasses are broken, so I need to replace them. I will reimburse you. _02:36.] 

   [How should I provide you with the price? _02:38.] 

   [Just give me the price. _02:40.] 

   The world rotates around itself and revolves around the sun with the same speed and direction as yesterday, bringing a new day filled with freshness.

   However, Sangwoo’s world, which was destroyed due to chaos, still remained in a state of darkness, a desolate space covered with feelings of desolation and loneliness, leaving only a semblance of an unenlightened morality, as if the true essence that made up Sangwoo had been taken away by the passing storm.

   Sangwoo lived his life like a soulless robot, whether it was Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. But his habitual nature of going to university according to the designated time, attending classes, and sitting in the same spot without understanding anything, remained unchanged.

   He was chronically ill with a disease that did not even exist in the medical dictionary, a disease that was deeply buried in his mind and refused to leave, causing a great disturbance to his life. This disturbing disease crept deep into Sangwoo’s mind during his fetal stage. Once he became aware of these feelings, the symptoms of the disease, called distress, immediately appeared, overwhelming him without any means to confront the heavy sadness.

   Sangwoo, who could only regain consciousness when someone passed by his desk, was lost in thoughts to the point where he didn’t even realize that the class had ended.

   Sangwoo pushed his pencil back into the case with a calm expression and closed his textbook. Despite it being a subject he wasn’t good at, and this being a review class before an exam, he didn’t pay attention at all. Last time he skipped class, and this time he came to class but it wasn’t any different from skipping. It was clear that he was destined to fail the upcoming exam.

   As he slowly packed his bag, Sangwoo inadvertently caught a glimpse of a familiar shadow. This clique lived a life detached from reality, almost forgetting about the things they had to do. Sangwoo stopped in front of a female student who was tying her shoelaces. The other side stood up with a blank expression before widening her eyes upon seeing Sangwoo.

   “Hey! No! Hi!”

   Jihye spoke in a hurried and evasive manner, as if she was about to say goodbye. It seemed like the other side had urgent business.

   “Then, goodbye!”

   “Ru Jihye, if you have time, could you please help me a bit?”

   He spoke to the back of the other side, who had a black ponytail.

   Immediately, the girl stopped.

   “Feed me first, and then I’ll do it as a favor. You like this, right?”

   Jihye put her head out of the door and looked left and right. Then she turned back to find Sangwoo again, and lowered her voice as if someone was secretly listening.

   “What’s going on?”

   “Just sit down for a moment.”

   Sangwoo thought it wouldn’t be appropriate to stand and talk, so he walked to a seat, and Jihye hesitated. Then she sat down and left one seat empty.

   Sangwoo started playing a beta test version of a game on his phone and handed it to the girl.

   “This is the game I’m working on.”

   “Oh, um… wait. Did you make this?”

   “Yes, I’m in the test phase, so I wanted a skilled gamer to play it a bit.”

   Hearing that, Jihye smiled shyly and placed her phone on Sangwoo’s desk again before speaking.

   “I’m really not good at playing games. I don’t think I can help.”

   “Not long ago, you said that you were the number one Tetris player in elementary school.”

   Sangwoo took out five food coupons from his pocket and placed them in front of the girl.

   “I’ll give you these coupons. And I’ll treat you to a meal. I understand that you’re busy because of exams, but it only takes thirty minutes for the test and a short review. Here, it’s a special offer based on the minimum wage.”

   “…No, I can’t do that. I would definitely die.”

   “I guess you don’t really want to waste your time.”

   Sangwoo sighed, but he understood, so he put the food coupons back in his pocket. Jihye glanced at him quietly before speaking up.

   “The atmosphere around you has changed, sunbae.”

   This was the second time he had heard these words. Sangwoo smirked to himself, the first time he heard it, he thought it might be true, but this time it didn’t sound too good.

   “In what way?”

   “Hmm…, you seem a bit more gentle. Were you more domineering before? Making me feel like a… doll, a little too much. Oh well, don’t mind me, it’s just my personal opinion.”

   Maybe he’s softer, more tender, and his heart is more vulnerable. Plus, he was overwhelmed by emotions. Sangwoo took a deep breath, and Jihye noticed his reaction. 

   “Are you okay?”

   “Not at all.”

   “I’m sorry.”

   When he looked at his watch, he realized that it was already time for a meal, but Sangwoo didn’t care. At this point, his daily life had collapsed completely. So even if he deviated from the schedule for a few minutes, it wouldn’t be a problem.

   “What about you? How is school going?”

   “It’s… the same as before.”

   “I’m jealous.”

   If he could go back to living a certain, predictable, and unbroken life, he would long for the time when he felt no pain or sorrow.

   “Look, you’ve really changed. If it were before, you would have jumped up immediately when I said I didn’t want to be a tester anymore.”

   “That’s true.”

   Sangwoo tilted his head. Wondering why he was still having a meaningless conversation even though he was finished, he thought he should get up. But at that moment, he recalled a previous conversation.

   “That person bought all the coffee that you drank.”

   “I just ordered it online, it will be delivered within one day. There shouldn’t be any problem.”

   Thirteen weeks ago, during the first week of the school semester, Sangwoo opened up about the difficulties in his life to Jihye, and Jihye surprised him with flexible problem-solving advice. Although it may have been useless, Sangwoo still valued the mindset of a woman who didn’t conform.

   “Hahaha… Well then, I’ll go now. I’m sorry I couldn’t help!”

   “Wait.”

   Sangwoo’s hesitation made Jihye, who was in a half-sitting, half-standing position, sit down again. She laughed with a puzzled expression on her face.

   “…Why?”

   “I have a quiz to ask you. If you agree to participate, I will give you food vouchers.”

   Sangwoo took out five food vouchers from his wallet and placed them on the table again. Jihye twisted her face in a strange manner before using her nails to touch her forehead.  “Quiz, you say?”

   “Hmm, do we have a deal?”

   “Wait a second… Okay, fine. But it’s not just because of the food vouchers, I mean… It’s like, as long as I only have to cook, I’ll do anything, it’s just that you misunderstood, sunbae.”

   Even though Jihye raised her hand to reject, Sangwoo still threw the food vouchers onto Jihye’s table. Jihye had a conflicted expression but still put the food vouchers in her bag. Then Sangwoo began to speak.

   “To protect your privacy, I won’t disclose the people’s real names. But let’s just say there are people named X and Y.”

   “Yes.”

   “But, X…likes Y.”

   Jihye resisted a smile and looked uncomfortable. It was exam season, and it was annoying to have to listen to something meaningless. Sangwoo took a deep breath and opened his mouth again.

   “Um…X likes Y you know…”

   In order to protect personal information and cut off emotions, he replaced the names with English letters. Although he achieved the first goal, he couldn’t achieve the second one. Sangwoo felt his face twisting and reached into his bag to take out water to drink and challenge himself again. “X likes Y.”  This time as well, he couldn’t move on to the next step.

   “Oh my. And how does that work?”

   “…”

   It seemed like the time stretching on would make Jihye annoyed. Seeing it from her perspective, having to quickly answer questions in order to go eat, that was a reasonable display of emotions. Sangwoo paused with a frustrated face.  “But, Y has to go far away.”

   “Oh.”

   “X wants to be with Y from now on, but it can’t happen anymore, so how can

   X overcome this situation? Try answering from X’s perspective.”

   Jihye didn’t look very well. Then she let out a sigh of frustration, and finally her eyes met Sangwoo’s.

   “Sunbae, is your IQ in the single digits?”

   “I have a high IQ.”

   “Well, it’s a way to show nonchalance, don’t misunderstand.”

   Jihye spoke in a muffled voice to prevent Sangwoo from having a chance to speak even a word before raising two fingers.

   “There are only two ways, right? One, hold back.”

   Sangwoo hoped that Jihye would suggest a more creative solution, but he secretly knew it was unlikely. However, he replied patiently.

   “Holding back is not an option. It’s something that has been planned for a long time and is crucial for work.”

   “That’s not my concern, two, follow along.”

   “…”

   The second option was a problem-solving method that Sangwoo had never considered before. So, he decided to consider the alternative suggested by the woman.

   ‘Follow…to America.’ 

   If that’s the case, he wouldn’t have to break up with Jaeyoung. Numerous questions suddenly popped into his head. Sangwoo took a breath and spoke.

   “That issue is as simple as speaking, right? What about education? Existence?

   Visa? Cost of living? Language? And another thing, X also has their life plans.

   It’s not so easy to make a decision without caring about anything.”

   “Then don’t like Y either, because if it’s love, you have to follow it everywhere, right?”

   Jihye spoke as if she were someone who could live solely based on emotions.

   Sangwoo shook his head and slung his backpack over his shoulder.

   “Both of your problem-solving methods are not reasonable enough to help at all. But even so, it doesn’t mean you won’t get the food voucher. Let’s go.”

   “Excuse me? Just wait…why are you asking such strange questions? If you’re in a relationship, people have to communicate and understand each other.” Before getting up, Sangwoo added one more comment.

   “They’re not in a relationship.”

   “What do you mean?”

   Jihye’s eyes widened, and the pleading look in her eyes made him unable to leave. And yeah, it was an important condition. Sometimes he might have to say it from the beginning. Sangwoo avoided the gaze of the woman and spoke quickly.

   “It may sound conflicting with moral principles, but X and Y. Their relationship is only physical.”

   “Huh? Wait a minute… I don’t understand…”

   Jihye pondered as if she didn’t want to believe before speaking to Sangwoo with a serious expression on her face.

   “Why aren’t they together? What are they doing?”

   “They can’t be together.”

   “Why?”

   “I can’t tell you. It’s private.”

   “Just tell me. It’s not about you, it’s about X and Y, here and now.”

   Those words sounded reasonable. Sangwoo took a deep breath before responding calmly.

   “X and Y are the same gender.”

   “So what? Are you kidding?”

   “…Are you mad at me?”

   Jihye assessed Sangwoo’s question and seemed to not understand anything.

   “What do they do when they meet? Just… what?”

   “They do other things. Normal things.”

   “And then what?”

   “Well… eat, sometimes watch a movie, play basketball, sometimes just lie around and do nothing, go for walks, go shopping…”

   “That’s being a couple, isn’t it?”

   “Isn’t it enough that they have more in common than just a single digit IQ.

   How can men be lovers?”

   “…Are you some kind of Wijeongcheoksa [1] from the late Joseon Dynasty?”

   Jihye picked up her mobile phone, quickly touched the screen a few times before handing it to Sangwoo. Sangwoo himself took the communication device with a rough gesture, somewhat violently, as if the other party had provoked him, and found that the browser on the screen was open with a dictionary.

   ________________________________________.

   [1] Wijeongcheoksa is a political movement in the late Joseon Dynasty, adhering to the teachings of Confucian doctrine, which considered homosexuality as non-mainstream. They also opposed the Western influence that spread into Korea. 

    

      SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

SMNTCERR, Chapter 86: #4. 

   “Why did you put that on?”

   “It’s a famous character that impresses people.”

   “Hmm… Delete.”

   The image on the screen quickly changed with the skillful hands of an expert who created a great impression on Sangwoo, even though it was just a presentation of the major subject. Despite complaining, the delicacy in making adjustments without missing any flaws, the cleverness in solving complex problems with the simplest methods, and the expertise in easily controlling all components, even though it seemed haphazard, all of these were parts that made Jaeyoung look fascinating.

   Sangwoo’s gaze shifted from the hands that controlled the keyboard and mouse skillfully to the handsome, smiling face on the side. The things he used to dislike at first, like the red t-shirt, the slouched posture, the golden earrings, the tattoo on his arm, and the slightly trembling knees, now didn’t bother him anymore because they were all part of Jang Jaeyoung. He no longer felt a dislike towards them. Suddenly, Sangwoo felt a strong, overwhelming sensation welling up from the depths of his heart.

   ‘Have I ever met someone as wonderful as you?’

   Psychopath, cancer, garbage, mental illness, laziness, uncontrollable anger, deceitfulness, two-faced, ticking time bomb. Sangwoo recalled the names he had given the other party, far removed from the word ‘worthless’ and a person who possessed characteristics that Sangwoo disliked. But all of a sudden, Sangwoo realized that he no longer cared about those things. The wave of emotions overwhelmed everything that had come before. He had once felt that those qualities were flaws in Jaeyoung and conquered Sangwoo. In the midst of the cocktail of happiness and sadness in a 5:1 ratio, spinning violently…

   “Wow… applying color filters, outlines, and shadows. I really went all out…”

   “I like you, hyung.”

   …Sangwoo cried out, his words didn’t want to be in this metaphorical prison and overflowed out.

   The sound of the mouse clicking stopped, and Jaeyoung’s hand, which had been moving restlessly, also stopped. Then Sangwoo realized that he had said something inappropriate.

   ‘What did I say?’ 

   Sangwoo’s pale brain pondered if he had gotten too excited after finishing the beta test file. His brain was slightly abnormal, his thoughts expanded uncontrollably like when he was drunk, and he blurted out without any filtering or intention.

   ‘Do I… like humans?’

   And on top of that, do I like a human in a romantic way? And the other party is a man? And it’s Jang Jaeyoung? The other party was someone who couldn’t possibly become a lover from the beginning. That was a meaningless and illogical thing.

   Sangwoo raised his head before his gaze met Jaeyoung. He didn’t know when the other party had turned towards him, but he was wearing the most adorable expression he had ever seen.

   “I didn’t hear you clearly, say it again.”

   “I didn’t say anything.”

   “Speak, tell me that you like me.”

   “What do you mean you didn’t hear clearly?”

   Jaeyoung closed his mouth, which was previously wide open, and flashed a sarcastic smile.

   “Come on, speak up again.”

   Sangwoo was stunned, unable to speak, and lowered his gaze. He was already feeling awful. It was truly ironic that the other party was acting like they had encountered something amusing. Sangwoo stood up and walked back to open the door before running out without even having time to grab his bag. He ran as fast as he could, thinking that Jaeyoung would follow soon.

   “Hey! Stop right there!”

   Sangwoo ran as though he was being chased by a dangerous knife-bearing Jaeyoung. He swiftly went down the stairs and ran with all his strength to avoid being caught up. However, Jaeyoung refused to give up and continued to chase.

   ‘I won’t get caught.’ 

   Sangwoo couldn’t think of what the problem was or how to fix it. He was only certain that he didn’t want to be caught by Jang Jaeyoung. He was scared of what the other party would mock him with and what he would do.

   He arrived in front of the Faculty of Engineering without realizing it, and hurriedly stumbled with fear that his speed would decrease. He lowered his head, passed through shrubs, squeezed between two statues, passed through a narrow passage lined with stones, and passed the Faculty of Humanities and Natural Sciences in that order. He thought it would be safe to run this far.

   Then, there was a loud shout from behind.

   “Hey, haven’t you had enough running yet?”

   Sangwoo sprinted once again, and the sound eventually faded away and could no longer be heard. Jaeyoung yelled angrily not to make a scene. He also said it was because of Sangwoo that the other party was able to endure for less than a week even though he had promised not to say anything again. At that moment, Sangwoo found a hiding spot in one corner of the football field.

   “Where did you go? Shouldn’t we talk it out?”

   “…”

   “Damn it, this kid keeps running away… Hey, I’ve been chasing after you halfway around the world, you know.”

   “I have nothing to say, just go away!”

   Sangwoo’s response ended. Jaeyoung immediately ran towards him. Sangwoo took advantage of the rectangular shape of the soccer field and hid on the other side, seeing Jaeyoung standing on the other side of the green net.

   “Just go already. Even if you run for another hundred days, I won’t let you catch me.”

   No matter what Jaeyoung did, he couldn’t catch Sangwoo unless he destroyed the soccer field. So both of them wasted their energy running around the soccer field for three rounds.

   “This is so frustrating, damnit.”

   Jaeyoung leaned against the net and collapsed as if he couldn’t take it anymore. Sangwoo himself also breathed heavily, but fearing that the other side would suddenly rush in, he chose not to sit and stood there adjusting his breathing. They let their heavy breathing dissipate without speaking a word.

   Meanwhile, Jaeyoung sat up.

   “I’ve never met someone as strange as you before.”

   Sangwoo worried that the other side would rush in to find him, so he never took his eyes off the shadow of that person. But Jaeyoung remained calm and sat there, they talked to each other with the soccer field separating them.

   “Come over here first, I have something to say to you, but I don’t want to say it in this situation. Actually, I don’t want to do this either, but I can’t help it.”

   “…I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

   Sangwoo mumbled as if talking to himself before taking a deep breath and then speaking out loud.

   “What I said in the office, I misspoke.”

   “I don’t think so.”

   Jaeyoung responded casually, as if it wasn’t a big deal. This nonchalant attitude annoyed Sangwoo for real.

   “I said it wasn’t, didn’t I?”

   “Oh, today is not it.”

   “I didn’t talk about the day, but I meant the wrong things I said.”

   “If you want time, just tell me clearly how much time you need. I’ve been waiting all along until now, and it’s not a big deal to wait further.”

   Today the questioning was more intense than usual. Sangwoo rubbed his temples, took a deep breath and his heart continued to beat rapidly, but it wasn’t because of physical exhaustion. Once he caught his breath and balanced his breathing, he returned to a state of readiness to move once again.

   “I’m leaving. You don’t have to follow me. If you do, I won’t see you again.”

   “…”

   He shouted like that and ran to the library, not hearing any more sounds behind him.

   After that, Sangwoo couldn’t remember what happened very well. He pedaled his bike in familiarity until he reached home without realizing it, then rushed up the stairs like a storm and poured water down his throat as if furious.

   Sangwoo quickly took off his sweaty clothes and put them in the laundry machine before jumping into a cold shower. After changing into clean clothes, his heart still raced. It was now 19:12. Even though he hadn’t eaten dinner, he didn’t feel hungry at all. Sangwoo didn’t know what it was that made him look around in confusion before slowly sitting down in a chair, resting his forehead on trembling hands and immediately falling asleep.

   ‘I like you, hyung.’ 

   If it were, ‘I need you’, it could be said like that. He didn’t want to believe that he said it like that. It wasn’t a demand. It wasn’t an evaluation. It was an useless and ambiguous statement, his feelings were truly strange, irritating, and sad.

   ‘So, do I like a human?’ 

   It was a phenomenon that means one could be so special that nothing could replace them. It was a dangerous feeling that left the country’s leaders in despair and even the smartest person became foolish. Sangwoo knew that liking someone was a dangerous misunderstanding. There were many doctors who could treat sex addiction, but there was no record of heartache in the medical dictionary. 

   Did he really say that? Normally, Sangwoo does not lie, but this time his consciousness was not quite with himself, so he kept speaking without pause. Sangwoo held his head, which was throbbing, with both hands and tried to analyze his actions in the past. 

   [5/29, Jang Jaeyoung’s house. 

   5/28, Bar in Yeonseokdong. 

   5/25, Han River, Jang Jaeyoung’s car. 

   5/24, Home. 

   5/22, Home. 

   5/19, Department store…] 

   Looking at it from a neutral perspective in the third person, his actions can mostly be explained by a strong sexual desire. However, it is clear that there are some parts that are not. For example, on Wednesday, May 29th, after waking up at Jaeyoung’s house, Sangwoo had the opportunity for intimacy but he did not act on it.

   That day became a strange and pleasant memory despite not releasing any sexual desires or doing much. Sangwoo simply ate the meal prepared by Jaeyoung, had meaningless conversations, and then left the movie playing while napping together. Sangwoo felt disappointed when he thought about how warm the pea soup was, how much he wanted to steal Jaeyoung’s picture, and how exciting the image on the other side of sleep made his heart race.

   “I have lost.”

   Sangwoo clenched his fist and let it fall heavily onto the table, thump. The more he thought about the time they spent together, the more his confidence decreased, beyond his sexual organ. There were many other noticeable points that went beyond their physical relationship.

   The crease on the nose when the other side sneezed, the neatness of his hand holding the mouse, the sculpted muscles on his back when he stretched lazily, the corners of his eyes when he smiled mischievously, the alignment of his teeth, how his hair reflected and shimmered in the sunlight.

   How good did he feel when he heard the low-pitched voice calling his name, how often he laughed because of constant teasing, and at the same time, how fast his heart raced because of the sincere words spoken by the other side. When he thought about the arm that was tightly wrapped around his shoulder and the soft touch on his forehead. Sangwoo could feel the sense of defeat.

   He remembers how funny it was during junior high when he found out that his older sister liked a male classmate. His sister talked about that guy all day and made a disgusted face. When he teased her saying she was strange and silly, he was slapped several times. At that time, his sister made a fuss and asked their mother to buy her new clothes, and then her classes ended and she came home late. She even said she would go find that male student on the weekend and be Sangwoo, who laughed and teased her, without consciousness.

   But Sangwoo did even more than that. He dressed in clothes that Jaeyoung liked and went out to drink expensive alcohol at a liquor store in the lively area to demand attention from the other side. He even secretly investigated

   Jaeyoung’s past and even kissed him while he was asleep. If it was about Jaeyoung, he was ready to destroy the planned life and spent the whole day thinking about the other side.

   It’s not that his sexual preference was for handsome young men with tall figures and brown eyes. It’s not that he didn’t like guys who had poor appearances compared to Jaeyoung, but it’s just because those people weren’t Jaeyoung.

   Sangwoo slowly sank onto the table with a feeling of despair, unable to predict the charms and mysteries of Jang Jaeyoung. At first, he came in and disrupted the tranquility of his daily life. Then he woke up to Sangwoo’s sexual desires, making him unable to stand being alone, and in the end, even fought for his heart. Here, there was a foolish person who liked men and couldn’t be together with the handsome hyung again, instead of being a heterosexual in the appropriate age range to get married and have good health.

   “I have lost completely.”

   Until now, if he liked something, Sangwoo just bought it and it was over. However, no matter how much he liked something, he couldn’t possess it, it happened for the first time and was something that would soon be gone. 

   And then Sangwoo had to face his own Semantic Error, which controlled his world. 

   return 0; 

    

      SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

SMNTCERR, Chapter 85: #3. 

No matter how depressed Sangwoo was, time never paused. It’s the same now. When the time comes, he is pushed into an uncertain future that he can’t avoid. Before, Sangwoo never feared the future, but only now, he is not confident about anything. The days and times when he could meet Jaeyoung are decreasing day by day, but even so, he still doesn’t have a suitable plan to cope with it.

The calendar swiftly moved into the month of June, as they gazed at the sky in the distance, where insects were flying around. Although Sangwoo did not have the leisure of admiring the sky, what was even more daunting was that he did not have time to do so. The QA and beta testing would begin from Monday onwards. Therefore, the test files had to be released within this week. Even though major errors had been dealt with, there were still incomplete functions and minor issues remaining.

Sangwoo didn’t even leave his home office and worked diligently at home. He was not pleased with being pressured by deadlines, but he couldn’t complain because it was the result of his own actions.

Throughout the three days, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, apart from class time, Sangwoo stayed cooped up in his room. Jaeyoung brought him food for every meal, with the menu constantly changing, including kimchi fried rice, curry, bulgogi [1] and gyudon [2]. The other party only delivered the food and left immediately. Even though he didn’t say it out loud, Sangwoo waited for the delivery person more than the food itself, as their appearance was a temporary respite in the midst of exhaustion. Just hugging the other person for three minutes made Sangwoo feel like everything was getting better.

On Sunday, at 16:33, Sangwoo uploaded the beta test file that had been tested by himself to the FTP.

Although the unlimited mode, ladder ranking, and special quest functions were canceled, and even though server connection, in-app purchase [3], and performance adjustments for various devices remained, the final results were almost visible. Finally, Chu Sangwoo and Jang Jaeyoung’s project took shape and were ready to be released to the world.

[Created and uploaded beta test file successfully, 16:33.] 

–                  [Jaeyoung, ㅅㅂ♨: You did great, my dev, 16:34.] 

–                  [Jaeyoung, ㅅㅂ♨: With such a good day, we should have a celebration, 16:34.] 

[Come to the office. I have a request. If you agree to listen, I will treat you to dinner, 16:36.] 

–                  [Jaeyoung, ㅅㅂ♨: At the very least, it must be sirloin, 16:36.] 

[I know, 16:37.] 

 

 

Sangwoo took a shower and got ready to go outside. Suddenly, he smiled. He was confident that he didn’t show any emotions on his face, but the face in the mirror reflected a wide smile that other people couldn’t make. Sangwoo put on beige pants, a green t-shirt, and a white hat. He grabbed the wine bottle that Jaeyoung had handed to him fourteen days ago, put it in his backpack, and left the house.

The bicycle glided smoothly on the gray pavement. Sangwoo pedaled along, enjoying the sunlight that streamed down from the low-hanging sun. He was satisfied with the work he had done and was about to meet someone he wanted to see. As the release date of the game drew closer, the designer’s anxiety also increased. However, Sangwoo had no time to feel sad anymore, as time was passing too quickly.

Sangwoo found Jaeyoung at the staircase of the Faculty of Fine Arts. He thought for a moment that a crazy person had come to lock his neck. When he turned to look at the face, Sangwoo immediately smiled broadly.

“Look, your mouth is about to tear.”

Upon hearing that, the muscles on his face relaxed, and Sangwoo laughed like a madman.

“It’s terrible to tease me like this.”

Jaeyoung was somewhat cautious about his posture when in a place where people might see him. However, at that moment, Sangwoo didn’t care about anything. He held the other’s hand and quickly climbed up the stairs. Despite being a Sunday, there weren’t many students at the university.

As soon as they entered the office and turned on the lights, he urged Jaeyoung.

“Check it, will you?”

“I haven’t checked it yet because I just moved it to my phone.”

Open it and see.”

Jaeyoung sat down on a chair and took out his phone from his bag. The other party had only tested it a few times separately. Here, it was the first time

Sangwoo saw the opening in its full glory, complete with accompanying sound. Sangwoo leaned his shoulder on the armrest of the chair Jaeyoung was sitting on and watched the opening together.

The sound of drums resounded along with the gentle voices of the characters, followed by the spooky sound of a xylophone [4]. Then, the names of the game and the male and female characters standing with their backs to each other appeared. Each side held a crowbar and dynamite in their hands, looking for trouble, while Chuchu blew a pink bubblegum that would explode every six seconds. There were radioactive objects emitting green light, and a group of sharp-toothed NPCs flickering their eyes in the midst of a dark farm.

“Isn’t it too loud, right?”

“Wow… it’s worth investing in.”

Jaeyoung pressed the start button and entered the farm, the protagonist ferociously died with the sound of a mid-century AC/DC style riff playing in the background. On the other side, after testing two or three points, Sangwoo raised his hand and Jaeyoung reached out to join their hands as if they had been waiting.

It seems that the laughter control module [5] is about to break… Sangwoo didn’t want to show that he was too happy, but he also couldn’t help it and hugged Jaeyoung to hide his face. Then the other party kissed his neck and gently touched his tail.

“You did great.”

“I told you. That I would turn what you designed into reality.”

“Now you are like Iron Man.”

“Do you mean like a robot again?”

No, I mean much cooler.”

Rewards for effort are always sweet, but he was not familiar with sharing the joy of success with anyone before. Sangwoo felt more than good to share happiness with Jaeyoung. Jaeyoung let go of the hug, grabbed both of Sangwoo’s shoulders, and spoke with an excited voice.

“Alright. Then from tomorrow onwards, you will enter the testing phase, for me, QA, right?”

“Yes. I have sent the scope of the examination, detailed instructions, and checklist via email. And I have also started beta testing after distributing the files to the test group. Once the reviews come back, I will send them to you as well.”

“Okay.”

“Have you made a list of the testers yet?”

Jaeyoung opened the note on his mobile phone and handed it to Sangwoo.

Among the fifty names, the only name Sangwoo knew was Choi Yoona.

“How skilled are they?”

“Most of them are soft users [6], some are gaming addicts.”

“In that case, I will add two more high-level gamers I know.”

“Oh, it’s the file that you sent. You just attached it to my email.”

The work conversation ended at this point. Two weeks from now, Sangwoo intends to focus on studying for exams and spend minimal time on game development. He will also handle the topics of QA and user testing for Jaeyoung.

“What is the matter?”

“Please take a look at the PowerPoint design. Then, I’ll treat you to a meal.” Sangwoo took out a notebook from his backpack. Jaeyoung’s face showed a hint of expectation as he raised his eyebrows. When Sangwoo opened the media presentation of the “Algorithm” project, the other side moved their chair closer.

Take a look, it’s amazing. It’s a whole thirty pages long.”

“Who asked you to do it for free? I told you I’ll treat you to a meal.”

“Okay, and I ask for a kiss for each page.”

“Okay.”

“Once we finish this, let’s go buy beef and have a barbecue at home.”

“I’ll bring wine.”

“Great. And what else do you want to eat?”

Sangwoo hesitated for a moment before pulling Jaeyoung’s t-shirt closer and whispered into his ear.

“Let’s have dinner together and then… Hyung, I want us to do something else we haven’t done in a while.”

“Something else?”

Jaeyoung’s ears reddened instantly. He stood still like a statue and turned to look at Sangwoo. Their eyes seemed a little lustful.

“We can do it now and here if you want.”

“Not here. It’s not appropriate.”

Jaeyoung tried to lean in for a kiss two or three times, but Sangwoo pushed his forehead away.

“Please take a quick look and see if it’s okay or not. I need to get a good score.”

“No matter what, it’ll be done within ten minutes.”

Jaeyoung sighed and pulled himself in front of his notebook, looking confident and assured. But as he opened the slides, his face immediately fell. Despite starting off with a confident stance, as he went through the slides, the other side leaned back in their chair and put on an indifferent expression.

“It’s not going to be done within ten minutes.”

Jaeyoung went to a font download website and downloaded two fonts with a frustrated expression on his face.

Hey, Chu Sangwoo.”

 

 

“Yes.”

“Make a promise to me that you won’t use this font anymore.”

It seemed that Jaeyoung disliked the most common font styles and used them extensively on websites. Sangwoo reluctantly extended a hesitant finger to agree.

Jaeyoung used two different font styles for the headings and content, all in the same direction for each slide, and then returned to the cover page. After that, he frowned as if in pain.

“The background makes the text barely readable.”

“It looks fine to me.”

“That’s your opinion.”

Jaeyoung deleted the enlarged screenshot of the surrounding competition that Sangwoo had used as a background. Then, he pasted a free image of a few checkers on the lower right corner of the white background, adjusted the varied sizes of the black headings to be the same size, removed italics, underlines, and bold from Sangwoo’s name and group members, and arranged them in a row on the left side.

Sangwoo decorated the slides so much because they looked too empty, but now, even though Jaeyoung removed everything that Sangwoo had decorated, the slides still didn’t look completely empty. It was hard to believe, even though it was visible to the eye.

“Jintae is a junior two grades below me. He is handsome, huh.”

“I don’t know.”

“Alright then…no need to talk about it further. No need to look at each other.

And let’s not argue either, understand?”

“I don’t care.”

Jaeyoung smiled as he finished arranging the front page. Sangwoo really liked this new design and didn’t forget to kiss Jaeyoung’s cheek. The other party immediately smiled widely and moved on to the next slide.

“Have you ever thought that the font size is too big?”

“It has to be big enough to see clearly.”

“If it’s too big, then we can’t see anything at all. Plus, it makes people who see it nervous.”

“Really?”

The font size of the heading and the content in the original slide [7] have changed. Sangwoo wondered how much the other party reduced the size in order to see the details, but Jaeyoung adjusted the size a couple of times as if following his instincts. And then he let it be. Jaeyoung erased everything Sangwoo decorated and used lines to divide the topics.

“Hurry up and give me a kiss, so I will be able to continue.”

Once the award was received, Jaeyoung became even more swift. In terms of design, no matter what it was, the other party was the correct answer. Jaeyoung just managed a few clicks, pressed the shortcut buttons a few times comfortably, and everything was improved. Sometimes, he just dragged and dropped continuously, but ended up in the perfect position. Sangwoo was so amazed that his mouth dropped open as he stared at the screen.

‘He’s really like a wizard.’ 

Although he didn’t say it out loud, he admired Jaeyoung in his heart without missing a beat. He sat working next to Jaeyoung for a while and it was true, but the image of the other party solving the work at hand so smoothly and impressively was more outstanding than creating something new from scratch again.

“I was surprised from the bottom of my heart. I’ve never seen a long fiveline heading before.”

What is important and what is not is all in the decision-making of the other party. No matter how good the content is, if it cannot be presented effectively, it loses its value. Just then, Sangwoo realized that he knew this well, but couldn’t apply it for beneficial purposes, while his mind was floating, Jaeyoung blurted out. 

“You don’t pay for the design as agreed, do you?”

“I can pay now.”

“Three pages are stuck.”

Sangwoo has no charm in any aspect. Whether it’s making presentations look good, dressing to impress others, or speaking to make listeners feel good. Meanwhile, Jaeyoung is good at everything, so Sangwoo thinks that the other party might shine like a top-notch toy.

________________________________________.

[1]      Bulgogi, “barbecued meat.” Either grilled meat or stir-fried Korean meat. 

[2]      Gyudon, “Japanese beef rice bowl.” 

[3]      In-app purchase, any purchase within an app. 

[4]      Xylophone, a musical instrument consisting of a set of wooden bars of various lengths and thicknesses arranged in order on a soundboard, then struck with two sticks or hammers to create sound, similar to a marimba. 

[5]      Module, a specific part used to connect to another system, with the module itself designed and controlled internally by that module. 

[6]      Soft user, a user who plays games less or plays superficially. 

[7]      Master slide, the main slide that sets the structure, color, font, background, effects, and almost everything for other slides. When the settings on the master slide change, other slides also change. 

 

   SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

SMNTCERR, Chapter 84: #2. 

   As soon as the appetite was gone, Sangwoo put down the spoon and the plate. Jaeyoung ate a little more and started collecting the dishes, and he heard the sound of the dishes clinking for a while. Jaeyoung returned from the sink and spoke.

   “Go and sleep in the room.”

   “I want to take a shower first.”

   The other party brought a new pajama set, a toothbrush, and underwear from one of many that Sangwoo had worn before. Sangwoo walked into the bathroom, locked the door, and took off all his clothes. He felt tense all over, his body smelled of alcohol, and his neck was sore from the plastered bite from the guy yesterday.

   After taking a shower, he came out and found that Jaeyoung was sitting on the sofa talking on the phone. It seemed like a serious conversation, so Sangwoo quietly went into the bedroom.

   He stood in front of the desk and looked at the bookshelf. There were books about design, magazines, novels, DVDs, movies, sketchbooks, and a box full of pens and colored pencils with pictures on them. When he saw that, he picked it up out of curiosity.

   It was a black suit. The hair was messy and the waist was tucked with a longsword. That was the image of the homeowner in the play ‘Rashomon’ from last summer. Although Sangwoo didn’t go to see it, he watched short online videos and knew what role Jaeyoung played. In the picture, Jaeyoung was laughing mischievously with his waist crossed, and there was another student doing his makeup.

   The second picture was of a middle-aged man with wavy hair smiling while holding a boy upside down, and the boy wearing shorts pointed to the sky while still smiling. Jaeyoung’s grandfather had a handsome face and a good physique. Sangwoo was convinced that when Jaeyoung got older, he would look like this.

   The last picture was taken when he was a child. In the picture, there was a blonde girl playing board games with a dark brown-haired boy who looked just like her. Although they looked similar, Sangwoo could tell which one was Jaeyoung. The person in the picture was pointing somewhere with a surprised expression, similar to the expressions he had every day, whether he wore glasses or not, wore any clothes, or how old he was. Sangwoo was confident that he remembered the other side well.

   ‘I want to steal it.’

   Sangwoo placed the picture on the table before he caused himself more charges.

   On the wide table, there was a printer on the left side, and there were documents placed on top of the printer. It looked like they were left there after printing. On the top, Jaeyoung’s name was written in English, so he picked up the paper to satisfy his curiosity. He found that it was an official document announcing the result of being accepted into a master’s degree program. The letter stated the start of the semester and the deadline for tuition payment. Although the remaining parts were just insignificant details, Sangwoo read until the last sentence before placing the paper back in its original position.

   This was the time to start the master’s degree program. Sangwoo already knew about it when he was making the schedule, and nothing had changed, except that it became clearer. Sangwoo’s mind became tense.

   “What are you doing there? Go to sleep.”

   At that moment, Jaeyoung pushed the door in with his shoulder. Sangwoo didn’t want to show any signs of nervousness, so he deliberately answered cheerfully.

   “I’m looking at the pictures. Is there no more?”

   Jaeyoung looked at the three pictures. Then he pointed to the childhood picture and asked to guess which one was himself. He correctly answered that it was the person on the left, so his big hand reached out to pat his head as a reward. Jaeyoung searched the bookshelf and found two more pictures.

   “Hmm, this picture looks strange.”

   “Can I see it?”

   The other person handed him the picture without saying anything. In both pictures, Jaeyoung was wearing a student uniform. In one picture, he was skateboarding, while in the other picture, he was eating ice cream.

   “Looks like a mischievous kid.”

   The young boy with short hair had fierce and rebellious eyes like a wild animal. The buttons on his shirt were unbuttoned, revealing a thinner body than now. He used his mouth to hold the ice cream with an expressionless face, and his gray student jacket hung on his arm. He looked like a teenager with no faults.

   “You didn’t go to school, right? You got beaten by teachers and got suspended.”

   “It’s not that extreme.”

   “Well, otherwise you wouldn’t have dropped out of university.”

   “Seeing this doesn’t do anything helpful. I’ve done everything I should because my family’s values have taught me to stay within boundaries.”

   Jaeyoung remained silent for a moment before inviting Sangwoo to watch a movie in the living room if he wasn’t going to sleep. Sangwoo had no reason to refuse, so he agreed. Initially, he thought they would sit on the sofa and watch together, but Jaeyoung instead spread a blanket on the floor and tossed a pillow down.

   “Are you going to sleep?”

   “Hmm.”

   “Can’t I sit and watch?”

   “Up to you, I’ll go to sleep.”

   Jaeyoung lay down on his side, propped his pillow, and pulled Sangwoo’s ankles down to sit on the floor in front. Then the other person turned on the TV and opened a VOD [1] tab. The movie lineup appeared. Jaeyoung scrolled through the lineup continuously, but none of the movies were familiar to Sangwoo.

   “Oh, it’s Spider-Man 6.”

   “Do you want to watch this?”

   “Yes.”

   Actually, he could watch anything, but as soon as he saw something familiar, he thought of the time they went to the cinema together and blurted it out.

   At that moment, the title appeared and the movie began to play. This version opened with a scene of a person falling into danger and calling for  Superman as usual. While comparing the scene they saw in the cinema, Jaeyoung’s hand touched his waist.

   The other person’s hand slipped into his shirt and stopped around his lower back before returning to the back and sliding up along the spine. Sangwoo, who was originally sitting, straightened his back and gradually relaxed. When he turned his head, he saw that Jaeyoung was just staring at the TV screen without expression.

   In the end, Sangwoo lay sideways, just like Jaeyoung in the scene where  Superman caught the falling train with his bare hands and saved the child. Since there was only one pillow, he used Jaeyoung’s arm as a headrest. Then the other person came and leaned against him tightly, hugging his waist firmly.

   Sangwoo could feel the other person’s nose at the back of his neck, along with the hot breath that touched his skin, while the middle part of his body that was in contact with him was firm. But Jaeyoung only lightly brushed his hair or his arm. He didn’t do anything excessive, but even so, Sangwoo couldn’t concentrate, as this movie focused on fighting, he could somewhat follow the story, but if the plot was complex even a little, he probably couldn’t understand the connections between cause and effect at all.

   Then the movie continued without him realizing it was already in the middle. It was a scene where Superman had to face a crisis because of Kryptonite, his weak point. Although Superman was in great distress, Sangwoo knew that somehow, by the end of the story, Superman would overcome all obstacles. Instead of watching a movie whose storyline he already knew, he chose to turn around and look at Jaeyoung who he didn’t know when he fell asleep.

   This side seemed more interesting than a movie. Sangwoo moved closer to

   Jaeyoung until their noses touched and examined every corner of his face without thinking of looking back at the TV screen. He moved closer to Jaeyoung until their chests were close together, hugged his waist with both hands, and left the TV screen behind, then fell asleep.

   When he woke up again, it was already three in the afternoon. The movie on the TV ended and other programs were airing instead.

   When Sangwoo turned around, Jaeyoung’s eyes slowly opened, revealing warm eyes. The other person smiled weakly as soon as he woke up, then closed his eyes again and hugged Sangwoo tightly. He didn’t know why that image was so powerful that it made his heart beat so fast. Sangwoo kissed the corner of Jaeyoung’s lips with a feeling of overwhelming emotion.

   He felt something strange, a clear feeling of the strong desire and profound sorrow that seemed to permeate his body, not a cool sadness but a passionate one. Every time his heart beat, it felt like a boiling feeling spreading throughout his body. The feeling of wanting to hug Jaeyoung tightly until he couldn’t bear it, the feeling similar to anxiety, made Sangwoo more absorbed in Jaeyoung and more attached to the other person.

   ‘Danger.’

   He felt as if he was on the verge of destroying the border that had been kept intact. Sangwoo could feel the unsafe feeling enveloping him, and because it was so overpowering, he was afraid without even knowing why that feeling was dangerous, instead of just kissing passionately. Sangwoo paused, realizing his senses.

   Jaeyoung slowly opened his eyes, revealing eyes that were shaking violently; it was clear that there was something that both Sangwoo desired and feared at the same time, and they were both trapped inside. They lay cuddling quietly, their eyes meeting.

   “Do you have something to say?”

   Sangwoo held back his impulsive questions. At the same time, he didn’t know why he asked such a question, because he both wanted to hear and didn’t want to hear the answer. Jaeyoung nodded slowly.  “I want to talk, but I’ll wait until you catch up.”

   “I don’t understand what you mean.”

   Jaeyoung just smiled, gazing at the view of the river in the park at dusk. The other had also spoken in a similar manner, saying there was something to say, but if Sangwoo agreed, he must escape because the words spoken were so terrifying. No matter how hard Sangwoo thought, he couldn’t figure it out.

   In that moment, Jaeyoung’s lips pressed down again, the body that had been lying beside soullessly didn’t know when it had risen and was now pressing against his body. Sangwoo could clearly feel the intense desire within his body, as he hadn’t been intimate with the other party for six days. “Sangwooya.”

   The purposeless call sounded gentle. Jaeyoung kissed Sangwoo’s arm and then sent his tongue to follow his neck. Sangwoo felt the urge to push the other party away, feeling agitated, but he tried to endure it while hugging Jaeyoung’s back.

   At that moment, the large hand came to touch his abdomen before moving up to his chest and groping the sensitive area there. The touch from above was softer and more gentle than before, amidst the heightened desire.

   Sangwoo felt sad.

   “Sangwooya.”

   Sangwoo couldn’t possibly know what the next words would be. At the same time, he felt overwhelmed with sadness. Sangwoo cupped both sides of Jaeyoung’s cheek, which was raised towards his temple, then separated his lips from the other’s body, and looked into their eyes, which were motionless.

   Jaeyoung had a bewildered expression on his face.

   “Don’t want to do it?”

   “I don’t know. I don’t know what this feeling is.”

   There was no way he did not want to do it, because every change that happened to Sangwoo’s body indicated sexual stimulation. If he continued like this, he would be able to deal with his desires. But Sangwoo didn’t want to do it for reasons he didn’t know. He stared at Jaeyoung’s face and looked at his messy dark brown hair above his forehead, his prominent nose, thick eyebrows, and big round eyes without eyelids before closing his eyes and planting a kiss. Jaeyoung exhaled forcefully through his nose, but at the same time, he maintained a quiet and calm posture.

   ‘I really don’t know.’ 

   He didn’t have a relationship with the other party just to kiss like kids, even though he felt some conflicts. But Sangwoo still kept his lips close to his like that.

   “Let’s call it a day for now.”

   Then Sangwoo withdrew his lips and slightly raised his voice, causing

   Jaeyoung’s eyes to slowly open and blink a few times. Then he spoke casually.

   “Am I being too harsh?”

   “I know. Both of us are in the same situation, so we can relax.”

   “The reason is?”

   “I don’t know. It’s a matter of feelings.”

   Hearing that, Jaeyoung’s face showed an unusual expression before bursting into laughter. Even without saying it, he knew where those words came from.

   Jaeyoung leaned softly to the side.

   “If that’s the case, then I have to understand you.”

   Although the other party may get up and go somewhere, Sangwoo still lies there, not understanding his own decision, because it is a decision that is quite emotional. It’s not like him.

   Sangwoo quickly got up before the sadness that had been suppressed for a while seeped back into his heart. Jaeyoung was drinking water in the kitchen.

   “I’m going back home.”

   “Stay for one more day and then go back.”

   “I want to go back.”

   Sangwoo stood up, walked over to Jaeyoung’s room, and after taking off his clothes, he went to look for his own clothes in the wardrobe and put them on his body. Jaeyoung stood leaning against the door frame, watching him change his clothes silently before speaking up.

   “I’ll give you a ride.”

   “I’ll take a taxi.”

   “No.”

   “Why?”

   “I want to see you for another minute, that’s all.”

   Jaeyoung did not urge Sangwoo to stay or force him to have sex together, but he only prepared the car keys with a calm face. Sangwoo searched the drawer, picked up the shelf, and took out all the clothes that Jaeyoung had worn and went to the front door. 

   While in the car, Jaeyoung remained silent while driving for some distance. 

   Although he smiled a little when they made eye contact, he didn’t say anything.

   Sangwoo felt grateful to the other party because silence was really necessary at this time. 

   When the car arrived at the destination, Sangwoo thought that Jaeyoung might change his mind and go up, but he guessed wrong. Jaeyoung didn’t turn off the engine and waited for Sangwoo to get out of the car. Sangwoo picked up the bag that contained several clothes, his mobile phone, and wallet, and got out of the car before closing the car door. Jaeyoung softly called his name, which made him feel really good when he heard it. 

   “Why?”

   “That outfit… suits you.”

   “….”

   “Go, don’t forget the homework I gave you.”

   “I’m going now.”

   Even though he took a small step and walked through the glass door, Sangwoo still didn’t step up the stairs. He stood and watched the car move out of the alley. return 0; 

   ________________________________________.

   [1] VOD, “Video on Demand,” is a system that provides convenience for users to choose to watch movies or moving images with sound as requested. 

    

      SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

SMNTCERR, Chapter 83: #1. 

   As soon as Sangwoo looked up, he was surprised by the unfamiliar sight. The rectangular metal clock hands moved every second instead of every minute. The window had curtains hanging to be curtains, and on the wall, there was a poster of a rock band concert with four members. On the table, there was a notebook that he had formatted himself, as well as car keys, skin care lotion, an album, and a lighter. In the corner of the room, there were several stacked clothes and a skateboard against the wall. With all of this, he could determine where he was.

   He had a splitting headache and felt like his head was about to explode with the risk-filled events that happened yesterday. There were memories that he could remember and memories that he couldn’t, all mixed together. And when he realized that yesterday was Wednesday, Sangwoo got up from bed at 11:23

   a.m., if the clock was telling the right time. He was now entering his second class.

   ‘No!’

   It will take at least three minutes to brush his teeth and change clothes. The travel time to the university was uncertain, but it will take at least five minutes from the main door to the Faculty of Humanities. Despite the lingering hangover, which had an influence over his body, Sangwoo got up quickly, slid to the door, and opened it, being blinded by the brightness outside and blinking his eyes compared to the dim room.

   Jang Jaeyoung lived alone in a spacious two-bedroom house [1]. There was a wall-mounted TV in the rectangular living room. On the other side, standing in the kitchen, which was arranged in a straight line along the hallway, was a tall figure wearing gray pants and a blue T-shirt with large numbers printed on the back. In his hand, a mobile phone. The smell of cooked vegetables wafted in the air.

   Jaeyoung slowly turned his head and noticed Sangwoo. Sangwoo felt confused. He didn’t know what to say, how to look, or how to behave. Yesterday was the worst day, and he was too overwhelmed to analyze the situation calmly. Jaeyoung tasted the food, turned off the gas before putting the phone down, and walked in with a nonchalant expression. As Sangwoo took a step back, the others also stopped in his tracks. He didn’t come any closer than that.

   Sangwoo tensed up. Although Jaeyoung didn’t have the same intimidating stance as yesterday, he could still sense the vigilance.

   People who intimidated Sangwoo were common. Sangwoo wasn’t afraid of physical intimidation. Whether it was at high school, university, or military camp, he dealt with attempts to dominate, insult, and use force calmly all along.

   However, yesterday was the first time he felt genuinely scared.

   It wasn’t just because Jaeyoung acted rudely. He wasn’t afraid of being slapped a few times, as the wounds would eventually heal. What scared him was the other person’s attitude. Although he knew that those cold eyes, tightlipped smile, and calm voice couldn’t physically harm him, Sangwoo still felt fear. It was the first time he saw Jaeyoung so angry. He was afraid that Jaeyoung would be disappointed in him and that the other would say he wouldn’t come to see him again.

   He had a headache. That’s why Sangwoo stopped thinking and focused on solving urgent problems. He looked around for the house’s door, where his clothes were, how to brush his teeth, and blurted out one moment.

   “I have to go to class.”

   “You are already late.”

   Jaeyoung looked at the clock on the wall and replied casually, “It’s no big deal.” Then he crushed Sangwoo’s hopes by saying that even if he hurried, it would still take about twenty minutes to get to the university.

   “It’s a consecutive class, so I’ll be checked absent for two classes.”

   “By now, there should be no more classes. What would you do then?”

   “You could have woke me up.”

   “You were sleeping so comfortably, how could I wake you up?”

   Sangwoo stood leaning against the wall, feeling both stressed and tired. Even though talking about attending class wouldn’t help, now was not the time to have a calm conversation. He didn’t dare to forget his gaze, so he spoke while closing his eyes.

   “Is there anything you want to talk to me about?”

   “Oh… is it a moment of you feeling guilty?”

   Sangwoo felt that Jaeyoung’s words were without sarcasm, which was awfully unlike him, so he raised his eyes before meeting the serious gaze that he could not expect. Jaeyoung spoke with a playful face.

   “I apologize for being rash and for being rude. And I’m sorry for the lack of communication before.”

   Sangwoo thought that this time the other party was just playing around and would let it pass like every time. He didn’t think he would admit fault. When he thought about the intimidating face, the cold way of speaking, and the posture that was like an immovable wall regardless of how he rejected it, Sangwoo started breathing faster.

   “I… thought you were a good person, but apparently not.”

   Jaeyoung looked at Sangwoo for a moment before turning his face elsewhere.

   “I have always had a bad temper. I only tried to be a good person for you.”

   “Why?”

   “Otherwise, you wouldn’t have acknowledged my existence.”

   “…”

   Sangwoo tried to swallow his saliva, but his mouth suddenly went dry.

   Jaeyoung was silent for a moment and then turned his gaze back again.

   “Will you accept the apology?”

   “Do I have to accept it?”

   “That’s your right, but… if you accept the apology, I won’t do it again.”

   The moment he heard the apology, his heart seemed to have made a decision based on intuition, but Sangwoo continued to reflect on it carefully. Then he concluded that Jaeyoung’s promise, “except appointments,” was somewhat trustworthy.

   ‘I will support you yourself, so you can reach your dreams.’

   ‘I will wait, I won’t force anything on you.’

   ‘I won’t do it again.’

   ‘…again.’ I don’t know how long those words still hold a guarantee.

   Suddenly, Sangwoo wondered, but then he forcefully stopped thinking about it.

   “Understood.”

   Jaeyoung paused and hugged his hand on his chest.

   “Then it’s your turn now.”

   “….”

   “Is there something you have to confess?”

   Sangwoo frowned and reflected on the conversation from yesterday. He might know why Jaeyoung was angry, but it was an unreasonable excuse and a problem that didn’t need to be acknowledged as a mistake.

   “I have nothing to confess.”

   Jaeyoung didn’t show any reaction to that response, he just blinked his eyes and locked his gaze for a moment before speaking up.

   “I want you to…”

   The young man fell silent for a while before continuing.

   “Hold hands with only me, kiss only me, and have sex only with me.”

   Is that true? That’s an extraordinary demand in their relationship. Besides, it doesn’t mean anything anymore… when I saw Sangwoo’s expression, Jaeyoung added.

   “Let’s think about this again. Chu Sangwoo. When you went to the studio and heard that the employees there were interested in me, you were not happy, right?”

   “So what can I do then? There’s no way to control this.”

   “I’m talking about feelings. Imagine if I go somewhere else and kiss another man who isn’t you.”

   As Sangwoo frowned, Jaeyoung quickly approached him. On the other side, Jaeyoung reached out and touched his own neck with Sangwoo’s hand.

   “There are traces of that guy kissing here, his pants buttons were undone, the atmosphere is abnormal, and you two looked like you have been fighting.”

   When Sangwoo tried to think about it, he immediately felt worse. Jaeyoung tightened his grip on the hand that was holding him.

   “Do you understand now why I’m angry?”

   He couldn’t answer. Sangwoo thought he shouldn’t answer. Jaeyoung continued speaking without paying attention.

   “Yesterday… when I heard that you kissed someone else, I was very disappointed, angry, and hurt.”

   He pulled Sangwoo’s hand, which was on his neck, down to his chest with a serious face. Sangwoo’s fingertips slowly touched the evidence that indicated that Jaeyoung was still alive, and he felt a slight flutter in his heart through his skin.

   “I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

   “Is this a demand?”

   “It’s a plea, a demand, a request, and a threat.”

   Jaeyoung spoke calmly, but it didn’t sound like a plea or a threat. Sangwoo slowly bent forward and hugged Jaeyoung’s waist. When he leaned his weight on the warm body, Jaeyoung lifted his arms, leaned on his shoulders, and placed his hands on the back of his head.

   “I understand now. You have done a lot for me in the past, so I will refrain from building an inappropriate relationship until you leave.”

   “Yes… good boy.”

   Jaeyoung kissed on the forehead above Sangwoo’s eyebrows, and his heart beat rapidly without him knowing. Although there were many thoughts buzzing in his head, such as how beneficial the other party’s plea was, how pointless their arguments on the street were, and how much time they had left before the other party left, those thoughts collapsed. Then, the warmth enveloped his eyelids, and he felt that everything was being dragged down, suddenly Sangwoo wanted to cry, his emotions fluctuating heavily, annoyingly.

   “Sangwooya.”

   At that moment, Jaeyoung gently called out. Sangwoo pushed himself into the embrace of the other party, replacing words with a more intense response.

   “Do you still want us to see each other?”

   He raised his head. Then his gaze was held captive by a tense look,

   Jaeyoung’s eyes reflecting the sunlight with a brownish glow. Sangwoo couldn’t think of any other response, so he hesitated before expressing his temporary physical desire.

   “Yes.”

   Then Jaeyoung whispered in his ear.

   “If that’s the case, I will give you another chance to answer, what do you want me to do?” 

   That was a question he heard last Friday while looking at the illuminating and shimmering bridge from the other party’s car. Sangwoo still didn’t know the planned answer to that question. So, he replied like a parrot-bird. 

   “I don’t know.”

   The situation now is worse than before. If the answer from that day was a conclusion derived from contemplation. Now, his mind is so confused that he doesn’t even know what he is saying.

   “It’s my homework for you. Go find the answer.”

   “Can’t you give me a multiple choice one?”

   “No.”

   Jaeyoung released the embrace and placed his hand on Sangwoo’s head, inviting him to sit at the dining table. Jaeyoung went and brought the food, including rice, mung bean soup, and various side dishes before sitting down on the opposite side of the black table covered with glass. He gently looked at the numerous dishes that looked delicious in the white bowls and plates.

   “Are you good at cooking?”

   “Um… no, I only made the soup. The side dishes were bought.”

   In a soup filled with smoke and packed with ingredients, including sprouts, tofu, shallots, eggs, dumplings, and others, Sangwoo dipped his spoon into the bowl of soup and stirred the contents within.

   “What is this dish exactly? Sprout soup or noodle soup?”

   “I don’t know, maybe sprout soup with noodles?”

   Sangwoo smiled slightly and scooped up a spoonful of soup to eat, meanwhile Jaeyoung sat with his chin in his hands, staring at him. Sangwoo could tell that he wanted feedback.

   “This has a high sodium content.”

   “Add some water.”

   “Didn’t you follow the recipe?”

   “Yeah.”

   “I’ll eat it and see if it tastes good.”

   Then he scooped up the various components with his spoon and stuffed them into his mouth. The soup was so hot it burned the roof of his mouth. He didn’t feel hungry at all but he ate like a starving person. Jaeyoung brought him some water.

   “You’ll have an upset stomach if you eat too quickly, take it slow.”

   Sangwoo continued eating without responding, he barely touched the rice or any other side dishes and only ate the meat in the soup until it was finished. He even lifted the bowl to slurp the last bit, then placed the bowl on the table and sighed. Jaeyoung, who was sitting across from him, continued to look at him.

   “May I have another bowl please.”

   “You eat so well, is it delicious?”

   “I think so.”

   In truth, Sangwoo didn’t know what deliciousness was, but he answered like that because he wanted to continue eating and wanted to feel this way in the future as well. Jaeyoung scooped another bowl of soup for Sangwoo. Then he began eating his rice as well.

   “I guess this class is probably over now.” Sangwoo mumbled while eating.

   “Yeah, it’s finished then.”

   “I have missed class without any reason twice in my life, and both times it was because of the same person.”

   Jaeyoung laughed without saying anything, his image immediately caught the attention of Sangwoo. Sangwoo smiled slightly before speaking.

   “So, you have class today. It’s a Personality Training course.”

   “If I fail, it’s an F. And you will be responsible for it.”

   “Are you crazy? At least go see the professor now.”

   “I have missed class four times.”

   “And how many times have you missed?”

   “Today is the fourth time.”

   “That’s really irresponsible.”

   “…”

   Sangwoo chuckled softly, thinking about the connection between the subject and their changing relationship until now. He thought that if the other party didn’t finish studying, it would be a good ending, but at the same time, he knew that such a situation could not happen after finishing this semester.

   Jang Jaeyoung would leave Seoul.

   ________________________________________.

   [1] Home. In Korean, it doesn’t only mean a house, but also includes accommodations such as a dormitory, apartment, or condominium. 

      SMNTCERR CHAPTERS HOME

SMNTCERR, Chapter 82: Black #2. 

   “Who gave you this?”

   Jaeyoung used his fingertip to press on the traces left by others, then he held Sangwoo’s chin and turned left and right to find other clues. Sangwoo stared at Jaeyoung motionlessly.

   “What did that person do?”

   He felt a sense of disgust since he first saw Jaeyoung. Jaeyoung guessed that if it weren’t for the affair with the girl, Sangwoo wouldn’t have any conflict with passerby. Sangwoo remained silent.

   “What did you two do?”

   The tone that came out of his mouth sounded harsh and not like his own voice.

   “Answer.”

   “Kiss.”

   A black flame shone in front of them. Jaeyoung swallowed hard, with his lips tightly pressed together. When Sangwoo’s neck was grabbed, the once tightlipped mouth opened and let out a moan, and there was a taste of cigarettes inside. Not the brand he smoked, but a different brand. Jaeyoung tightened his grip on Sangwoo’s neck, forcefully moving his tongue and lips.

   Sangwoo groaned and pushed him away, but Jaeyoung paid no attention to the other party. He tightly gripped the arms of the person in front of him to prevent any interference. Then, he forcefully moved his tongue all over the deepest part of his mouth, as if he wanted to engrave his own symbol in the deepest spot. But the more he did that, the worse he felt.

   “I hate you, hyung.”

   As soon as he pulled his lips away, Sangwoo mumbled those words, but Jaeyoung ignored him. He redirected his gaze from Sangwoo’s lips down to his chin, passing through the remaining red marks on his neck, towards the fly hovering above the collar of his V-neck t-shirt and his throat.

   He regretted buying this kind of clothes for Sangwoo, just thinking that others might have seen Sangwoo’s body and flawless skin, made him feel like he was going crazy. The possibility that some people might have touched Sangwoo, might have kissed him, sometimes even to the point where something might have happened that made his blood run icy. While investigating every corner to see where there might be more marks left. Jaeyoung discovered that the button of Sangwoo’s jeans was unbuttoned.

   “Hyung…”

   Jaeyoung closed his mouth without saying anything. There was no way for him to say how could you do this to me, how did you manage to hurt me like this, because they weren’t anything, from those small cracks that had been overlooked, it had escalated and led to the destruction of their relationship with Chu Sangwoo at this moment.

   ‘What should I do to not lose you?’

   He, who used to be carefree and full of life, was no longer there. Jaeyoung was only a wounded man who felt like tears were about to flow. Sangwoo forcefully pushed Jaeyoung.

   While he wasn’t paying attention, the door swung open. Sangwoo hurriedly ran out and stopped a passing car. Jaeyoung felt his anger rise again, he got out of the car and briskly walked towards the other side. He didn’t need to run because the person who had just gotten into the liquor barrel couldn’t walk normally anyway.

   Sangwoo stepped back and stumbled, but Jaeyoung managed to grab his waist before he fell. He held on tightly to his struggling body, to prevent the other party from pushing him away. Then he looked at the pale face with a hateful gaze, as if wanting to kill him.

   “What did you do with that bastard?”

   He asked the terrifying question with a trembling voice. If he found a replacement for Sangwoo, Jaeyoung would have won. What would happen between them then? The time they spent together? The heart that Jaeyoung poured in? Would he finally find the feeling called “love”?

   “Let go!”

   Sangwoo tried to resist, but because he was drunk, he had less strength than usual. Besides, there was only so much he could do, because the other party’s body was trembling so much. But Jaeyoung knew that he was more afraid than Sangwoo, he just used his strength to force the other party for a while. It was like the final piece of the puzzle that would probably fade away tomorrow. While Jaeyoung had nothing in his hands at the moment. Sangwoo held his heart, facing the other party in such a desperate situation was too difficult.

   Jaeyoung became more fierce to hide the imbalance from Sangwoo.

   “Answer the question.”

   He took a long breath and looked into Sangwoo’s hazy eyes. He didn’t know what was going on in his mind, he used to think that the other party’s way of thinking was as simple as a robot, but now Sangwoo was the most complex and terrifying person in the world for Jaeyoung.

   While he thought that the other party seemed calmer and strange. Sangwoo just laughed.

   “Why? Are you afraid that I slept with him?”

   Jaeyoung took a deep breath and looked into Sangwoo’s indigo eyes, unable to know what he was thinking at the moment, hiding his drunkenness behind his determined gaze.

   “If I do that, what will you do? Will you rape me?”

   Kisses are just kisses, sex is just sex, equations that the other party seems so simple. But it’s not that simple. If the face he saw was only one person, the body language that only allowed him, and the voice he heard was violated by others, it couldn’t be solved with such thinking.

   “Then why don’t you answer! Do I have to slap you to get your attention?” Jaeyoung looked at the person in front of him again, unable to tolerate it. He couldn’t think of why he raised his voice and forgot himself because of this emotion. ‘Line’ had already blurred away, so he couldn’t see if he had crossed that line or not.

   “That can be considered as intimidation.”  Sangwoo smirked and glanced sideways.

   “If you report it, it’s over, but that alone is not scary.”

   Before Jaeyoung could say anything, the other party stared at him and spoke.

   “Why are you doing this to me? Treating me like a criminal, disappointing me. What did I do wrong that you have to torment me?”

   In the end, it all ended with “I’m not wrong.” Just like before. Jaeyoung was tired of everything Sangwoo tried to solve with logic, even when he was drunk.

   “You hurt me. You torment me. How can you abandon me?”

   “You animal, who do you think you’re talking to like that!”

   Sangwoo smirked, his eyes glaring at Jaeyoung, filled with hostility.

   Jaeyoung looked back at those unfamiliar eyes and opened his mouth.

   “Damn. What do you mean, you went…?”

   “Shut up if you don’t know anything. It’s nothing, damn it!”

   While Jaeyoung was about to say something, Sangwoo forcefully pushed his shoulder. This time, he stumbled back from the force, and as he took two or three steps back, he looked forward again and found that Sangwoo, who he didn’t know had moved away, was glaring at him.

   “Just tried it, but it won’t work, what should I do?”

   “Huh?”

   “You animal.”

   “…”

   “You uncontrollable person! You cancerous human!”

   Sangwoo raised his eyes and shouted with strong words. This was the first time he saw the other party like this. Jaeyoung felt the intense heat of the scorching anger filling the empty space that hadn’t had a chance to dissipate yet. Sangwoo, who scolded every word that the other party knew, said, “But the ending is a little bad.” The other party seemed to lose consciousness.

   Meanwhile, there were a few cars passing by on the highway at high speed. Jaeyoung reached out his hand, afraid that the other party would run out onto the road, but Sangwoo stepped back to avoid that hand.

   “You are fucking flirt.”

   “… What?”

   “You are about to study abroad and have the chance to be with different people, to fully experience everything. Yet, you think I have turned into such a heartless person after just one kiss.”

   “Do you really think saying that makes it any better?”

   “Why wouldn’t it make it better? I’ve already told you that I will find a way to get over it.”

   Sangwoo’s anger overcame him. Although he was the one involved with other men, he accused Jaeyoung of being unfaithful. Their eyes were filled with the hatred they had never shown each other before.

   “Once you’re gone, what should I do?”

   “…”

   “My life is ruined because of you. How are you going to make it up to me, you bastard!”

   “Stay quiet. I’m not in the mood to listen to your nonsense anymore.”

   Jaeyoung replied rudely but then involuntarily relaxed his grip, unaware of his actions. Although he knew Sangwoo’s behavior was as irritating as a serial number, his anger gradually dissipated.

   “Annoying… it’s really boring.”

   Sangwoo forcefully ran his fingers through his hair, his blinking eyes filled with pain and exhaustion.

   “I’m completely broken. You.”

   Sangwoo bit his lip, forcefully clenched his teeth, and then the whole area fell silent except for the sound of heavy breathing. The other party slumped down onto the floor, leaning against the wall, staring up at the pitch-black sky before finally lowering his head to mutter softly.

   “I have to find someone who is exactly like you. Is there anyone else out there?”

   “…”

   “Just like how I can pursue with that person, they would probably already have a partner themselves.”

   Jaeyoung took a deep breath, suddenly the anger and frustration that had been building up inside him became unbearable. Even though it transformed into sadness and hatred, it still remained a part of his passionate heart, the intense emotions that returned to the main storyline made Jaeyoung restless.  He stumbled and walked unsteadily towards Sangwoo as if he was drunk, even though he hadn’t had a single drop of alcohol before collapsing. “I hate you.”  As he made a move to hug him, Sangwoo forcefully pushed him away. Jaeyoung grabbed his ankle and tried to calm him down, but Sangwoo resisted even more and slipped away from his grasp.

   “I said I hate you. I hate you, hyung”

   Jaeyoung took a deep breath and moved away from the other person, feeling a throbbing headache.

   ‘Is being in a relationship this difficult?’ 

   He sighed a few times before leaving Sangwoo there and stood up, walking back towards the driver’s seat. While his gaze remained fixed on Sangwoo, he leaned against the seat and smoked a couple of cigarettes.

   When he looked back, Sangwoo always gave him a chance, making it impossible for him to give up. When he couldn’t breathe and felt like stopping in the middle of the road, he would take a sip of water. When he was exhausted and almost collapsed on the ground, he would drink another sip of water. That’s when Jaeyoung arrived at this point without feeling tired, the tactics that the other person unintentionally used had worked too well. At this moment, after drinking another sip of water, Jaeyoung forgot the confusion that had passed.

   He couldn’t satisfy the other person who made him lose his sanity and reason. Jaeyoung liked being the one in control and the leader in the relationship, so he wasn’t used to being manipulated like this. Even though when he was blind with craving and trembling with restlessness, it didn’t seem worthy of attention, but it made him certain in some aspects.

   The young man started the car and slowly drove forward as the distance decreased, he turned on the headlights. Then the image of Sangwoo sitting in the middle of the darkness appeared. Jaeyoung looked at the other person in silence before opening the door on the right side of the driver’s seat.

   “Hey.”

   Sangwoo just sat silently, rubbing his forehead against his knee without saying anything.

   “Get up, I’ll take you home.”

   “…”

   “Stay there and see what happens, you have class tomorrow.”

   Talking about studying has happened, but the other party still hasn’t reacted, seems really angry.  “Chu Sangwoo.”

   Jaeyoung’s voice softened and became gentle without realizing it.

   “Sangwooya.”

   Jaeyoung doesn’t know how to call him with a voice different from this. Even though initially he called with an aggressive tone, he has forgotten that time already.. Sangwoo doesn’t respond. Jaeyoung has to helplessly get out of the car.

   “Are you asleep?”

   Sangwoo is still asleep in that awkward sitting position, no matter how much he shakes his shoulder, he doesn’t move at all. When they met, he was already very drunk.. Time passed quickly and it’s already half past four, will there be any more chaos. The other party must be exhausted.

   “You have made me restless, feel satisfied now.”

   Jaeyoung pondered and sat down beside him, just sitting and looking at the other party quietly without knowing how much time had passed. At the same time, he also felt exhausted, the side of his face when sleeping appeared empty and desolate. At the same time, it was also getting unbearable to watch. Jaeyoung’s heart has been guarded by Sangwoo for a while. So no matter how angry he is. At this moment, he is not angry at the other party.

   Jaeyoung reached his hand towards Sangwoo’s face, using the back of his hand to caress his cheeks slowly, as if it was imitating an event from the past, the day he first entered the other party’s house. Jaeyoung couldn’t control his emotions and pressed against Sangwoo, at that time Sangwoo was also drunk and passed out first.

   He knew that doing this wouldn’t achieve anything, his heart was enduring and burning excessively to the point of being uneasy, never before when he had a boyfriend has he desired the other party to this extent. Therefore, he must not be accustomed and make the mistake as usual.

   Jaeyoung followed Sangwoo’s gaze. Then he slightly leaned towards the other party’s shoulder and pulled it closer, as if to compensate for the unbalanced body and pressed it against himself, he hugged Sangwoo as if they had no problems and sat like that for a while. When he buried his nose in the beautiful neck and lightly tapped the warm back, Jaeyoung felt better.

   “If this isn’t considered dating, then what is it?”

   He whispered softly in the other party’s ear, if he were awake, there would definitely be an argument.

   “You foolish kid, you can’t live without me.”

   Even though there was no response, Jaeyoung was satisfied. Now, the restlessness and anger in his heart had completely disappeared, and his mind, which used to be chaotic and cloudy, became clear without realizing it.

   He thought that there must be many things that would cause a headache, it was too complicated, like a riddle that was difficult to solve, so he pushed the burden onto himself to deal with in the future. However, Jaeyoung himself realized at that moment that if the order of importance was strong, all the obstacles would be ineffective.

   It’s a simple principle, interested? Proceed. Not interested? Stop. He didn’t need to throw away the methods he had used all his life, the obstacle of this relationship remained only one, and Jaeyoung, who had compared, considered, and hesitated in front of the other party many times, was confident that this time he would be able to walk comfortably through the hindrance, slowly and calmly without rushing.

   “Will you be with me or die with me?” [1.]

   Suddenly, he recalled the famous phrase from the popular movie. Yes, he didn’t want to wake Sangwoo to ask him, but Jaeyoung wanted to show a little patience. However, this stubborn child had never refused to do anything successfully.

   It was like saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.” [2] This maxim seemed to have been created solely for Sangwoo, ever since he met this strange child. Jaeyoung was forced to become accustomed to waiting and enduring until the other party was ready, and he couldn’t give up even if he didn’t like it.

   “Sangwoo, let’s go home together.”

   Jaeyoung hugged Sangwoo tightly and stood up like that.

   ________________________________________.

[1]    “Will you be with me or die with me?” is a modification of a famous phrase from the Korean drama, “Sorry, I love you.” It is a scene where the protagonist is driving the female lead to have a meal, but she asks him to stop the car, so he says, “Do you want to have a meal or kiss me? Do you want to have a meal or sleep with me? Do you want to have a meal or be with me? Do you want to have a meal or die with me?!” 

[2]    “You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.”

   / 

   “말을 물가에 데려갈수는 있지밀 물을 마시게 할 수는 없다.” means you

   can  give someone an opportunity but you cannot force them to take advantage of that opportunity, or compared to a Thai idiom, “Don’t force the buffalo to eat grass,” which means not to force others to do what they don’t want to do. 

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