SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 26: Beside The Sky

   I took off my jacket, hat, mask, everything that was making me feel hot and almost suffocated, and left them in a heap on the floor of the room. I collapsed onto the bed, completely exhausted, it was a struggle just to make it back to my room.

I buried my face in the pillow, clenching my lips tight.

I can still feel it…

“Ugh,” I groaned to stop the crazy thoughts popping into my mind, but it didn’t work. The touch, the taste of that kiss, the warm breath, the rhythm of our hearts, the sound of the raindrops, your sweet scent mixed with the earthy aroma that reached my nose, everything was vividly recorded in my memory.

   To remember our first kiss.

   What is it…the meaning of our first kiss today, because of the words of love, because it was our first meeting, because I was crying, or maybe all these were the reasons?

   Not even dating…I don’t understand at all, it was our first meeting, after all.

   And what will the person from the letters do next with this?

   “Sigh,” I exhaled heavily, sitting up on the bed, hugging the pillow tightly, frowning where no one could see, the images still replaying in my mind from the moment I stepped into the restaurant until I got off the bike.

   Your lips…

   Soft…

   Oh…Phii Fah is truly dangerous for my heart. Will I end up with a heart condition?

   My heart still hasn’t calmed down yet.

   I tried to take deep breaths to compose myself. Thinking about it, our relationship has come this far, as if I’ve torn down every wall I’ve built in the moment I decided to go meet him. No walls, no barriers anymore, just my little fear that Phii Fah has accepted.

   The foolish fear of not daring to reveal myself.

   But then…

   I touched my lips gently.

   I didn’t want that kiss to be just an accident.

   Doing this, are you sure? Kissing someone whose face you haven’t seen, are you really sure? Sure that you love the person from the letters, no matter who they are?

   Has Phii Fah ever wondered who the person from the letters is? He must have thought about it, he must have, but has he ever thought it might be me?

   Damn it…

   Am I overthinking this?

   I picked up my phone to turn it on because I had turned it off before meeting Phii Fah. I intended to message my friends, but there was already a message from someone.

…Phii Fah

   !!

I was so surprised that I dropped my phone, luckily it landed on the bed. Why be surprised, Typhoon, Phii Fah didn’t message the person from the letters.

Tfha: Have you eaten yet?

   Typhoon: I have.

   Typhoon: How about you, Phii Fah?

   I had eaten a little before going out to meet Phii Fah. Even though I went to a restaurant, I decided not to eat anything since I couldn’t take off my mask, so I ate beforehand.

Tfha: Same.

   Tfha: What are you doing?

   Typhoon: Just lying down.

   Typhoon: What are you doing?

   Tfha: Just got back to my room.

   Oh…you’re back to your room, that’s good.

Typhoon: Where did you go?

   Typhoon: Did you get wet in the rain? It just stopped.

   Tfha: Not wet at all.

   Tfha: Didn’t Phoon go out?

   Typhoon: Didn’t go out at all.

   Tfha: Do you want to study tonight?

   Tfha: I am free.

   Typhoon: Sure.

   Typhoon: How about 8 PM?

   Tfha: Okay.

   Tfha: I’ll call you.

   Typhoon: Okay.

   There’s still some time to prepare. I don’t know how I’ll manage to tutor him, probably because the exams are over and I’m free now. I let out a big sigh before going to take a shower and get ready to study with Phii Fah. Before, we would always call each other in the evening, around 8 PM; you could say that 8 PM is the time I look forward to all day.

But we don’t call every day. Most of the time, we discuss what we’ll study first.

When 8 PM arrived, there was a call coming in, and what surprised me the most was that it was a video call. As far as I can remember, we’ve never had a video chat before; it’s always been just regular calls.

What…what’s going on?

I tried to gather my composure as quickly as possible to answer the call. I didn’t know how to act normally with someone who had kissed me just a few hours ago.

But maybe it’s just me who’s nervous.

The moment I answered the call, seeing the face of the person I had just met on the screen, my heart jolted and trembled again. Phii Fah was sitting at his desk in his room, wearing headphones, with his phone set up, smiling at me.

That smile was just like the one before we parted earlier.

No, I must be imagining it.

We did make eye contact for a brief moment when I was about to get out of the car, right? Thinking that made me quickly avert my gaze.

(Phoon, are you okay?)

   “…Yes, why?”

(You don’t look so good.), Phii Fah’s voice was filled with concern, which made me look puzzled and turn back to the camera.

“Really?”

(Yes, are your eyes a bit swollen? Did you cry?)

   “…”

“…” I furrowed my brows looking at him, are my eyes still swollen?

When I checked in the mirror earlier, I thought they had gone down,

“…What? I didn’t cry, that’s strange.”

(That’s good if you didn’t cry.)

   “…Yes.”    (Phoon)

   “Yes?”

(…Uh, nothing.), It seemed like the other person had something to say but then went quiet as if changing his mind, his worried expression easing into a normal one, (Do you have any plans for

New Year’s?)

   “Uh, not yet.”

Because now it’s the break after the final exams, it’s New Year’s time when most people go back home, but as you know, I don’t have a home to go back to, so I’ll probably stay here like last year. Last year, all my friends called to wish me well, which was really nice, but at that time, I hadn’t told everyone about my family situation. Now that they know, everyone’s suggesting we go on a big trip together this year. I still haven’t decided where to go.    “But I don’t want to celebrate New Year alone.

Last year, I walked around with my camera in crowded places during the New Year’s Eve, taking photos of the atmosphere, lights, and people, standing to watch the fireworks, taking more photos, and then going back to sleep.

I hope this year won’t be as lonely as that.

“What about you, Phii Fah?” I asked.

(Going home.)

   “Oh, here?”

(Yes, do you want to come with me, Phoon?)

   “Huh? You’re inviting me?”

(Yes, my parents miss you. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other.)

   Phii Fah’s invitation made me feel warm inside, with him saying that his uncle and aunt miss me. I miss them and want to see them too, but my father doesn’t want me to get involved with Phii Fah’s family too much.

“Let me think about it. Actually, my friends also invited me to go out. Phoon hasn’t decided yet what to do,” I said, giving a sheepish smile to the other side.

(Okay, waiting for your answer.)

   “When will you go back home, Phii Fah?” I asked because during the holidays, Phii Gibb’s shop would be closed. We wouldn’t be able to communicate through letters for a while. We never discussed what we would do during the long holiday, and with what just happened, if we suddenly stop talking, it would be terrible.

(Maybe in a little while, there’s something important.)

   “What is it? Work?”

(No), Phii Fah shook his head slightly, (Something very important), before giving me a slight smile without taking his eyes off me.

“…Oh,” I didn’t know what to reply to. When he said it was something important for Phii Fah, not work, not exams, it must be about the person from the letters…

(Phoon, today I met him.)

   “Who?”

(The person from the letters)

   “…Oh, and how was it?”

(I was really happy that he came to meet), his soft voice was filled with joy, which made me feel more at ease, (But he cried.)

   “Uh…why?”

Phii Fah shook his head slightly. I wasn’t sure if his answer meant he didn’t know or couldn’t say.    (But I don’t want him to cry.)

   “…”

(If I could ask him not to cry again, would that be okay?)    “Uh…I don’t know,” I said in a faint voice, truthfully, when I got back to my room, I almost cried again because my thoughts were all over the place, “Are you worried?”    (Yes…very much.)

   “What are you worried about?”

(Just that he might overthink things.)

   “…Oh.”

(Everything that happened was intentional…I don’t want him to think that I am not serious.)

   “…” I fell silent because of the tightness in my chest right now, as if all my thoughts were being read. The person from the letters really is overthinking, worried that you might not have meant that kiss, worried that you might think, “I shouldn’t have done that.”

I’m glad…that you didn’t say it was a mistake or just an accident. (Sorry, I’ve gone off-topic. Should we start studying?)Perhaps because he saw me being silent for too long, Phii Fah changed the subject. I, realizing I’d been absent-minded for a while, quickly looked back at the camera, opening my book to the last section I read.

“Sure.”

(What are you reading these days?)

   “Basic math for sixth graders.”

(What chapter?)

   “Sequences.”

(Oh…this isn’t too difficult, should we move on to another chapter, or do you want me to review it for you?)

   “Can you review it for me?”

(Then let’s start with the exercises; that way, I can see where you are struggling. Do you still have the green exercise book I bought for you?)

   “Yes,” I nodded before reaching for the green exercise book from the pile next to me, then started doing the exercises as Phii Fah instructed. From then on, we began our study session seriously.    While I had my head down doing the exercises, I wondered if Phii Fah was watching me or if he was doing something else. I hoped he wasn’t looking; otherwise, I’d be too distracted.

Feeling a strange, nervous flutter in my stomach, I continued with the exercises, not daring to look up at the phone screen. Suddenly, I received a LINE message from Ter.

Easter: Damn!!

   Easter: Friend!!

   Easter: sends picture

   Since I only saw the notification, I didn’t know what Ter had sent.    (Is there something wrong?) Phii Fah asked when I picked up my phone from its spot.

“Ter sent something, I don’t know what.”

(Don’t lose focus, let’s finish the study session first.)

   “Oh, sorry.”

I put my phone back in its place when Phii Fah said that with such seriousness. It was true; while we were studying, I should concentrate on that. Time passed quickly, and before I knew it, it was midnight.

(It’s midnight already, should we stop for now?)

   “Oh…but Phoon has only done a little.”

(We’ve covered one topic today, haven’t we? Don’t overdo it, we’ve gone through all the content for the fourth and fifth semesters, right?)

   “Yes,” I nodded, “But I might not be very accurate.”

(Then I will go over it again, there’s still time, and the content of the basic subjects isn’t much.)

   “Okay.” I closed the book and put down my pen. Even though I was a bit tense with Phii Fah watching, it gave me a lot of courage. If I video call him often, would it be considered an intrusion?

(You can go to sleep now, good night.)

   “Good night.”

I wished him good night back before the line was cut, then I went to collapse onto my bed, exhausted. But what messages did Ter send?

After I didn’t reply, he kept sending messages until I had to mute him.

Typhoon: What’s up?

   Typhoon: Why the rapid-fire messages?

   Easter: Wow, finally you reply.

   Typhoon: I was busy, couldn’t reply.

   Easter: Oh, so you were video calling with someone, huh?

   Easter: Didn’t even think about your friends.

   Typhoon: Huh?

   Typhoon: How did you know???

   Easter: Check the chat above.

   Easter: The picture I sent.

   I furrowed my brows when I saw the message from Ter.    I scrolled up past dozens of stickers he had sent earlier to the most recent unread message.

He had sent one picture, I waited for the image to load, and once it was clear, I was shocked by what I saw.

Phii Fah’s Instagram story…it was a screenshot from when we were video calling, I was looking down doing exercises, and there was a small screen in the bottom right corner where Phii Fah was sitting with his chin in his hand, looking at me. In the picture, Phii Fah had his pinky and ring finger covering his face, but you could clearly see he was smiling at the corner of his mouth.

With the message beside it that read:

‘Focus, you smart one.’

   “!!”

I immediately called Ter.

(I knew you’d call.)

   “You, what, what is this, hey, what is this?”

(Well, you were video calling with Phii Fah, and he took a screenshot and posted it on his IG story, what’s going on?)    “Hey, why did he take a screenshot, and then…saying I’m smart too.”

(Go ask Phii Fah, what’s up? Does Phii Fah know that the person from the letters is you?)

   “I don’t know.”

(What don’t you know, you don’t know, or Phii Fah doesn’t know?)

   “I don’t know anything, Ter.”

(Your voice is cracking again, calm down, friend.)

   “It’s…damn, hey, we were just video calling to study. I didn’t know when Phii Fah took the screenshot.”

(Yeah, ever since I’ve followed Phii Fah, this is probably the first IG story he’s ever posted, besides the promotional photos from the university, he’s never posted anything.)

   “…Really?” I said in a faint voice. My heart was beating so hard I could feel it because I only have one Instagram account, the one I use to post sky pictures. I never follow anyone, just for storing photos. After posting, I rarely use IG, “Could you send me Phii Fah’s IG handle?”

(Oh, you don’t have it?)

   “No, I don’t use IG much.”

(Oh, your sky storage only stores skies, huh? Not interested in anyone. I’ll send it in chat, go check it out), Ter said.    I checked Phii Fah’s Instagram, which wasn’t set to private, and what was surprising was his follower count. I knew Phii Fah was popular, but not to this extent.

So that means everyone must have seen the photo in the story by now.

“You, so tens of thousands of people…”

(Yeah, they’ve all seen it, like you’re dating or something, super sweet.)

   “Hey, not a fan,” I said, but then I paused at my own words. Not a fan, but we kissed…

(Definitely a fan, looks just like it.)

   “No, it’s not.”

(How was it when you went out in the evening? You didn’t even tell me. Normally, you would rush to tell me.), Ter said.    “What about the others? Can’t I tell everything at once?”

(The others aren’t free, North and Foam have gone back home, Dao is busy, I’m the only one free to listen to you, you can tell me first if you want, do you want to?)

   “I want to, but…are you going back home?”

(Tomorrow, want to come with me?)

   “To your house?”

(Yes, my mom cooks really well.)

   “I might be intruding.”

(Always being so polite, North’s face must be red by now, he invited you last month, afraid you’d be lonely, look, being alone makes you so lonely you could die, or do you want to stay with

Phii Fah?)

   “Phii Fah invited me too.”

(Shit, okay, he invited you to his home then.)

   “Ter!”

(Yeah, yeah.)

   I slowly recounted the events and told Ter, not going into too much detail but covering all the important parts, from holding hands to the kiss, and Phii Fah’s last words before I came back, along with our recent conversation.

(Shit…shit. Nothing to say but wow.)

   “Ter, keep your voice down, shh, where’s Phii Hill?”

(Oops, damn, I forgot.), Then Ter’s voice went quiet for a moment,

(Yeah, it’s probably fine. He shouldn’t have heard, shit, a kiss, you kissed, hey, or maybe Phii Fah found out it was you so he called, captured it in the story to announce it to everyone.)

“…It’s really true.”

(Yeah, right. In the evening, he met the person from the letters, and at night, he took a screenshot of you. If it’s not like that, then

Phii Fah must like two people.)

   “…Yeah,” Ter’s words made me feel a bit uneasy, “We’ve never video-called each other, you know.”

(This, he called because he was worried you’d think too much.

Otherwise, he wouldn’t say that.)

   “Hmm, that’s true, I was thinking that, like he read my mind.”    (Damn, it’s a hot day outside of summer, I’ve been scratching my face so much I might lose skin, why do I have to be the one waiting for your love story to unfold? Since North’s time, I’ve been the only one rowing. You’re lucky to have many people. Now another couple has reached the shore, I’m proud of myself, damn, this crew, damn), Ter spoke so fast I couldn’t interject, secretly laughing at his excited words and tone.

(Should I be paid to be a crew member? Every ship I’m on reaches the shore, damn.)

   “Calm down, Ter, and why am I the one telling you to calm down?”    (I can’t calm down anymore, North has to know about this, I can’t keep this to myself.)

   “Don’t tell him yet, I don’t want to be teased right now,” I said honestly. It was good that I only told Ter for now. Otherwise, I would be embarrassed to death by the teasing tonight.

(So, what will you do next?)

   “I don’t know, do you think Phii Fah will send a letter tomorrow?”

(He might, but…it’s the holidays now.)

   “But Phii Fah said there’s something important, making him unable to go back yet.”

(Oh, he probably needs to clear things up with you first.

Definitely tomorrow, oh, I’m excited.)

   “Do you think Phii Fah knows it’s me?”

(There’s a good chance, a big one. Seriously, that’s Phii Fah. We can’t fool him for long. The reason he doesn’t know is just because he hasn’t investigated. Otherwise, the truth would have come out from day one.)

   “Yeah,” I agreed with Ter’s words, my heart full of anxiety, “If Phii

Fah knows, and he’s okay with it being me?”

(Probably.)

   “I’m scared, Ter, I’m not sure at all, what if Phii Fah isn’t okay with it being me?” I said in a faint voice, my shoulders drooping with gloom, “If I take off the mask and see disappointment in his eyes, I won’t be able to handle it.”

(You wouldn’t have gone with your face covered if you weren’t sure, we planned for you to go and feel him out, didn’t we? So, how was it?)

   “Just like I told you.”

(Hmm, good. Didn’t do anything stupid, you bastard.)

   “Come on, don’t curse, I’m easily hurt.”

(Are you that sensitive?)

   “Yeah,” I accidentally frowned a little, “What should I do?”    (Don’t overthink it, Phii Fah said not to overthink, just wait for tomorrow’s letter, go to sleep, Typhoon, it’s late.)

   “Okay, you sleep too, Easter Ter.”

(Hey, that’s embarrassing, friends don’t use full names often.)

   “Easter Ter.”

(Hey, that’s embarrassing, good night, man.)

   “Good night.”

Of course, it was a night where I couldn’t close my eyes to sleep, tossing and turning all night. I remember, near dawn, I dreamed of Fan again, something I hadn’t done in a while. I counted it as a good dream. Even if I couldn’t remember the details, at least I woke up with a warm feeling in my heart.

I spent the day reading, lounging around because I had nothing else to do, until evening when I rushed out to the medical faculty’s coffee shop to get the letter. On the way, I kept thinking about what Phii Fah might have written. When I arrived, I found that Phii Gibb was just about to close the shop, rushing to go back to her hometown, which was bad news. So, I wouldn’t be able to leave anything for Phii Fah tomorrow, and we wouldn’t exchange letters for almost a month.

I looked at the paper in my hand…the last letter before we’d be apart.

Slowly, I opened the letter to read it.

It might be a bit urgent, but I want to talk to you.

   Can you not run away from me like you did yesterday?

   “I’ll wait.

Even if it’s until tomorrow, I’ll wait.

   Please tell me the place and time…

   I didn’t think it would be a meeting, according to the appointment in the letter, only fifteen minutes left.

   I’m definitely going, but I don’t know in what state I should go.

While I was hesitating, Ter called at just the right time.

   “Ter, you, perfect timing, Phii Fah wants to meet, what should I do?”

(Oh, really? I was about to ask how the letter was, did you arrange to meet? Where?)

   “At the reservoir, in fifteen minutes. No, in ten minutes.”

(Will you go?)

   “Of course, I’m going. Just don’t know in what state I should go.”    (Go in a way that makes you feel comfortable, Phoon, I told you not to overthink.)

   “Wearing a hat and mask, won’t Phii Fah think it’s strange?”

(Hmm. No, Phii Fah knows you’re uncomfortable, if he makes you feel comfortable and confident, you can take them off yourself. It’s just a mask and a hat, you can take them off anytime.)

   “…Okay, then I’ll wear them.”

(Do whatever makes you feel comfortable.)

   “Okay, wish me luck.”

(May today be a good day for you, Typhoon.)

   “Oh, thanks.”

I hung up the call; even though the conversation with Ter was brief, I felt more at ease. I stopped by the convenience store to buy a hat and a mask, then hurried to meet Phii Fah at the agreed spot, stuffing the letter I wrote into my pants pocket. Initially, I was going to leave it with Phii Gibb as usual, but that wouldn’t be necessary now.    At half past six at the university reservoir where I used to walk with Phii Fah a long time ago. After that, I also came here often. At this time, Arthit was almost setting, with a faint sunlight accompanied by the light from the lamps that were turned on in place of sunlight.    The place was sparsely populated, usually more crowded, probably because it’s the holiday season, and everyone has gone back home. I scanned the area, looking for someone until my eyes stopped on a man sitting on a bench, gazing at the distant sky, his face framed by hair swaying with the warm breeze.

   If you looked closely, everyone around seemed to be looking at him.

   He looked so serene and captivating…

   And I was probably not the only one who thought so.

   I decided to walk around to sit beside him from behind. Phii Fah looked slightly surprised before turning to look at me and then fell silent.    “You came.”

“…”

I didn’t reply because I couldn’t speak, handing over the same notebook and pen.

“You forgot this yesterday.”

I didn’t even realize I had forgotten it…

I took it and wrote a message, handing it to him to read.

‘I’m here.’

   “So, I waited.”

‘How long have you been here?’

   “For a while.”

‘You said you wanted to talk.’

   “Yes. I want to apologize,” I could sense the fluctuation in his voice,

“For overstepping.”

‘…’

   “But everything I did was intentional. There’s nothing I can say wasn’t meant, starting from when I held your hand.”

‘Why?’

   “You.”

‘?’

   “The reason is you, so no further explanation is needed.”

‘Imitating’

   “I can’t help it, because I think the same way.”

I let out a quiet breath when I felt my heart beating too hard, before silence enveloped us. We sat watching Arthit descend from the sky until it started to get dark around us.

“Do you want to go for a walk?”

I nodded slightly in response, Phii Fah slowly stood up. I followed, putting the small notebook and pen in my pants pocket, then started walking after him.

We walked along the long path. I followed a bit behind, observing the person in front of me under the soft yellow light. I couldn’t help but take out my phone to take a picture.

“Taking photos?”

I didn’t know how Phii Fah noticed, he stopped walking to wait for me, and I quickly put away my phone and quickened my pace to catch up.

‘How did you know?’ I wrote in the notebook and tore off the page for him.

“You like to take photos.”

“Did you get me in the shot?”

‘A little.’

   “Oh…I’d like to see it.”

“But you probably won’t, right? That’s a shame.”

I didn’t write anything back, and we continued walking. Earlier, I didn’t just capture Phii Fah in the frame; I actually photographed him.

I wanted to show him too because the lighting was so beautiful.    We walked on until we reached the bridge, where there were no more people around. Both sides of the bridge were lined with decorative lights all the way to the end, the sky was still somewhat dim, the lamps casting a soft yellow glow, and the breeze was gentle.

The scenery in front of us was more beautiful than ever.

“Do you come here often?”

‘Often.’

   “Great.”

Phii Fah stopped in the middle of the bridge, looking at the view to the side. I stopped too but didn’t stand next to him, stepping back about a pace.

“What I wanted to talk about.”

‘…’

With the wind blowing like this, it made the atmosphere even more beautiful.

“Ah. I really want to see your eyes, but it’s a pity I can’t.”

‘…’

   I looked down and pulled my hat lower to cover my eyes out of nervousness. Since receiving the letter, my heart hasn’t calmed down for even a moment.

“I don’t know where to start. I’ve never felt this way with anyone else.” The person in front of me spoke with a voice that sounded nervous, which made me feel even more at a loss.    “You might want to know why I kissed you yesterday.”

“Because I wanted to kiss you.”

“Not just yesterday.”

“Right now too.”

Oh…has anyone ever told Phii Fah that words like these are forbidden? Because at least, they can make someone’s heart stop.    “When I said I wanted to cherish you, I wasn’t lying. Not just in the letters. I want to hear your voice calling my name, telling me you love me. Not just being my support. I want to comfort you with a hug. Not just sending things. I want to take care of you the best I can, as much as a man can.”

Every word was etched in my heart, clear and resonating like Kong’s voice. I felt all my emotions flowing out along with tears that started falling again. I tried to press my lips together to hold them back.

“I love you.”

“For the rest of my life from now on, can you be by my side?”

“Be with me, please.”

I couldn’t hold back my sobs anymore, letting out a loud cry without shame. Phii Fah, hearing my cries, seemed startled, making a move as if to turn around but then stopped and turned back.

“You…don’t cry.”

“Hic…sob.”

“Please, don’t.”

“Hic…hic.”

“Wipe your tears first.” His voice was full of concern and worry, undisguised. I turned my back to him, took off my mask, and quickly wiped my tears, sobbing for a while before starting to calm down.

“Are you okay?”

Crazy. Who told him to use that tone of voice? I’m so happy I could die.

   ‘Don’t turn around,’ I quickly wrote on paper, tore it off, and stuffed it into his hand because my face was all messed up, and my mask was stained so I couldn’t wear it anymore. If Phii Fah turned around now, it would be bad.

“Okay.”    “…Hic.”

“I’m afraid, you won’t be disappointed that it’s me, right?”

“Just being you, there’s nothing better than that.”

“Hic…” I was still crying, standing with my back to Phii Fah. I couldn’t describe my feelings right now; everything felt like I was in a dream, every word was so warm.

“I’m sorry for trying to pull you out of your safe zone, but as I’ve asked before, can I be in your safe zone instead?”

“It might be too soon.”

“…Hic.”

“Then, how about this?”

“In ten seconds, I’ll turn around.”

“The question I asked earlier, if you’re not ready, you can walk away, and we’ll go back to where you feel comfortable, for as long as it takes, even years. No matter what, I’ll wait.”

“But if you agree, just turn around, can you?”

“…”

“Ten.”

I was still catching my breath because I was sobbing, before the countdown began.

“Nine.”

“Eight.”

“Seven.”

“Six.”

If I take just one step forward, that’s the answer, and we would go back to how we were, to a place where I feel comfortable no matter how long.

   “Five.”

“Four.”

“Three.”

But…if I just turn around,    That’s also an answer.

Our relationship wouldn’t just be paper and words anymore; it would become something we could see and touch.

“Two.”

“…One.”

“…”

I slowly turned around, looking up at the person in front of me with a trembling heart, my hands and legs shaking, my face filled with fear, devoid of any confidence.

   But I still looked at him.

   Our eyes met.

   “Okay.”

“That was my answer.

The beautiful eyes of the person in front of me shone with undisguised joy, as if happy that I was still here, happy that I hadn’t gone anywhere. There wasn’t even a hint of the disappointment I had feared, before he slowly stepped closer, raising his hand to touch my face and gently wiping away my tears.

The wide smile he gave me made me smile widely in return.    Phii Fah extended his hand to hold mine, then gently pressed his lips to the back of my hand.

“Nice to meet you, the person from the letters.”    I couldn’t help but smile at those words.

“Nice to meet you,” I said.

“Would you like to introduce yourself as the person from the letters?

This is the first time I’ve heard your voice.”

It felt like we were meeting for the first time through the identity of the person from the letters.

   “My name is Typhoon, and you, would you like to introduce yourself?”

“Tonfah.”

Our hands were clasped tightly. We looked into each other’s eyes and smiled.

   As if the entire universe had stopped moving.

   As if a lifetime had been spent for this moment.

   To meet you.

   “I’m glad to love you.”

“I’m glad to love you too.”

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 25: Sky and Love

   I had no answers, completely tense, my breath catching while my heart kept beating stronger. The person beside me was the same. After the initial greeting, he went quiet.

I was gradually getting used to the heat from the outfit I was wearing, looking up at the sky being consumed by darkness.    There wasn’t even the soft background music, just the occasional sound of cars passing below, before the air around us turned into a humid warmth that made me suspicious.

‘Rain is coming.’

   I wrote that message in the notebook I had prepared. At first, I thought typing on my phone would be quicker, but Phii Fah might recognize my phone, so I decided to bring a pen and notebook instead, handing it to the person next to me. Look, Phii Fah seemed to glance over slightly.

“You’re good. I didn’t feel it at all.”

‘It’s humid, and the wind is picking up.’

   “Hmm…”

“The rain won’t reach here,” Phii Fah said, making me nod slightly in understanding because we weren’t on the edge of the balcony but closer to the inside of the shop, “Do you like rain?”

‘Sometimes, how about you?’

   “I like it.”

‘Why?’

   “It feels peaceful, I guess.”

‘Then I must thank the rain for coming for you.’ After I finished writing this message and showed it to Phii Fah, the rain started to fall gently before intensifying, and as I thought…the rain didn’t reach us here. I stole a glance at the other person, who had a slight smile at the corner of his mouth.

“It’s really raining.”

‘I’m the best weather forecaster.’

   “Hmm, it seems so.”

That deep voice made me feel a little surprised, it wasn’t too different from usual, but I could feel the calmness in every sentence that passed.

It seemed like Phii Fah was also at ease with us being here together, which might just be my imagination, but I hoped it was true because I felt the same way, at ease like this…

“‘I have a lot of things I want to tell you…”

Before I could finish writing the message, Phii Fah continued speaking.

“You’re going to say you’re ready to listen, right?”    Oh…yes.

That’s right. I’m ready to listen…to everything. No matter how good or bad it might be.

‘You know?’

   “I know, because you’re my safe zone.”    Safe zone…

   “Can you?”

“Can you be my safe zone?”

That voice sounded so tired that it made my heart sink, before I pressed my pen to the paper to write the next sentence quickly.

‘I can be anything.’

   “You’re too kind.”

“Too kind?”

“You don’t have to be this kind, you know?”

‘I’m not kind at all.’

   ‘I just love you.’

   “…”

I put the pen down on the notebook because my left hand was shaking too much. I didn’t dare look at the person next to me to see what expression he was making. I averted my gaze to look straight ahead, seeing the thick curtain of rain that also brought down the temperature around us.

Right now, all I hear is the sound of the rain and your voice.

“Can you say it out loud?”

“Those words.”    I didn’t imagine it.

He…must be so tired.

We’ve known each other since we were kids, spent many years together, and the Phii Fah I know has always been strong, a pillar and a refuge. Phii Fah never showed any signs of vulnerability to anyone, not even to Uncle or Aunt.

But how could that be possible? In the end, we’re all just humans. We can’t be strong and endure everything; everyone has a vulnerable side they don’t want others to see. Phii Fah must have been tired, always taking care of and thinking about those around him, carrying the dreams and expectations of everyone, always keeping everyone’s feelings in check.

But his own feelings are often overlooked.

‘I love you.’

   “It’s not the time for you to say that, is it?”

‘Sorry.’

   “It’s okay. This is good enough, thank you.”

…

“I must be…too tired.”

‘I know.’

   “You know?”

‘Yes.’

   “How do you know?”

‘Because I’m your safe zone.’

   “…” From the corner of my eye, I caught the other person smiling secretly, those sharp eyes looking ahead, “Because you’re like this.”

‘Why?’

   “You can fall in love with me over and over again.”    Oh…this is a bad, Typhoon.

   Really bad.

   My heart is beating too wildly to control, thankfully the sound of the rain covers it. Otherwise, Phii Fah would surely be startled by my heartbeats now.

   ‘You said you have something to tell,’ I wrote.

“Yes.”

“I’m just…so tired of being myself.”

“From the moment I was born, I never knew what I liked or didn’t like; I was taught to find joy in other people’s happiness. I don’t know, maybe it’s about thinking of others before yourself.”

What Phii Fah was telling me didn’t surprise me. Even though Phii Fah never showed it, I could guess. I’ve always thought about how he might feel, and it made me feel very guilty for relying on Phii Fah in the past, always waiting for him to help and take care of me.

That didn’t look like love at all.

Then, a story that didn’t have many details was recounted. Phii Fah briefly explained how he felt over time. Someone who hasn’t experienced it might not understand how painful it is to bear pressure and expectations, but I understand well.

Everyone has their own pain.

And don’t judge others, because no one is the same.

“I’ve never told anyone this, you’re the first, including some content in the letters. It’s strange, because maybe you’re my safe zone, so I dare to tell everything.”    ‘With pleasure.’

   “Are you disappointed?”

‘No. Not at all.’

   “Really? This is why I didn’t want to tell anyone, it doesn’t seem like me at all. No, really, I don’t even know myself.”

I don’t know why…I could sense that feeling of emptiness was consuming my heart.

‘You are you.’

   “…”

‘No matter how you are, you’ll still have me.’

   “Oh…has anyone ever told you that you’re very cute?”    “I don’t know, because you like taking photos, you like planting trees, you’re kind, you’re cute without even trying. What word should

I use…because it’s you, everything seems perfect.”

One thing I should worry about more than passing out because of this outfit is the fear of having a heart attack because of Phii Fah.

“You’re the first one to say this,” I wrote back.

“That’s good. Otherwise, it would mean you’ve been cute with someone else.”

Oh…

That’s bad again…

   My heart is definitely going to fail, Phoon.

   “I have something to ask.”

‘Yes?’

   “Just now, when I said my name, Tonfah, comes from my father wanting me to be the sky, and my mother wanting me to be a tree, what about you…”

“What do you want me to be?”

I paused for a moment before writing down on the notebook and slowly handing it to the person beside me. Look again.

‘Sky’

   ‘And love’

   Yes…for me, Tonfah is both the sky…and love.

   He’s the sky and the love of my entire life.

   “Love, huh…thank you. I never thought anyone would answer like that.”

“I’m glad you came into my life.”

‘With pleasure.’

   “Are you letting me read old pages now?”

‘I can’t write fast enough,’ I mumbled a bit, even though no one could see because of the mask, feeling my heart swelling more and more, somehow.

It’s good that you’re here…Typhoon.

“What about you?”    ‘Me?’

   “Do you want to tell me something? Can I be in your safe zone?”    “I’ll wait until you’re ready to tell me because I’m not going anywhere either.”

‘Thank you.’

   Because ‘safe zone’ means a place of safety, where we feel comfortable telling our stories. I also want to tell Phii Fah everything, but there’s one thing I can’t tell.

But I really liked what he said just now, that he wouldn’t go anywhere. It seems that from now on, no matter how much it rains, it’s just so that a flower like me can bloom.

“When do you think the rain will stop, Weather Forecaster?”

‘This shouldn’t last long, I think.’

   “I hope the lights around here don’t go out.”

Phii Fah’s casual remark made me pause for a moment; that’s right…last time it rained, the lights went out. If the lights go out now, it would be terrible. No matter what, I wouldn’t be able to keep my composure.

“Do you want to order something to eat?”

‘It’s okay.’

   The rain continued to fall heavily as before, and between us, there was silence again when Phii Fah didn’t start any conversation. I didn’t know what to write back, gripping the pen and notebook tightly in my hand.

The more I looked, the stranger it felt.

   It was a strange meeting.

   But you still refrain from asking anything.

   It’s a strange relationship.

   And you’ve never asked for anything in the past either.    Phii Fah once said he wouldn’t ask or demand anything from the person in the letters because he knew I would feel uncomfortable, so why this time did he…”

‘Why did you want to meet me?’

   I decided to write it down and handed it to Phii Fah to read. After a while, his soft voice replied:

“I just wanted to meet you. That’s all.”

“I just wanted to know what it would be like to be close to you.”

‘And how is it?’

   “Just as you might feel…I’ve never felt this at ease before. Just knowing you’re sitting next to me, I forget everything.”    “And you, why did you decide to come meet me?”

‘Because you wanted to meet me.’

   “By sending letters and hiding your identity from the start, doesn’t that mean you needed a safe zone?”

‘The only reason is you, no further explanation needed.’    I smiled broadly under the black mask, my heart filled with warmth, beating irregularly.

How could I dare to write something like that?

I wonder how the person beside me feels…I hope he feels the same.    And it turned out that we barely talked at all. We just sat there, quietly looking at the view. Occasionally, Phii Fah would start a conversation, or I would. Just short questions and answers, probably because we’ve already talked a lot through the letters.

“Can I hold your hand?”

That question went unanswered for about half a minute, with me confused and doing nothing. Finally, I slowly let go of the notebook I was holding and reached out to grasp the thick hand that had been waiting.

Our hands touched.

And what a warm touch that made me nostalgic.

Phii Fah held my hand, gently lifting it to his lips and lightly kissing the back of my hand, which made me freeze as if I’d stopped breathing. When I regained my senses, my heart nearly exploded.

“It smells good.”

I slowly pulled my hand back, but Phii Fah held it tighter. So, I let him keep holding my hand like that, Phii Fah lowering his hand to rest beside us, turning it into a simple hand-holding.

His hand is so warm…

Because my right hand was being held, I used my left, more adept hand to write on the notebook on my lap. After writing, I showed it to him.

‘Have you ever done this with anyone?’

   “No.”

‘Why?’

   “Kissing the back of the hand signifies respect, do you know…I’ve never felt the need to cherish someone this much before.”    I put down the pen and the notebook…

I shouldn’t have asked. I don’t know what all these mixed feelings are right now; I just know I’m so happy I could die, my heart beating so hard I’m afraid of the heat spreading from my chest to my face, and suddenly, tears came from somewhere, flowing uncontrollably.

I really couldn’t stop them.

“Hic…”

I clenched my lips to stifle the sobs, but it didn’t work.

Phii Fah knew.

“You…” that deep voice was full of utmost concern, slowly moving closer to me, but I kept my head down, avoiding eye contact,

“…what’s wrong?”

I shook my head slightly in response. Please…don’t look at me right now.

“Look up a little.”

“…”

“Sorry. Did I say something wrong?”

I shook my head again. I wanted to say I was fine, but I couldn’t, it was just the happiness and warmth in my heart overflowing.    The love I could feel, both in words and actions, I never expected to receive it back. I was just Phoon, after all. On the first day I decided to send that letter, it was only to look after and watch over him from afar.

   Thank you…thank you so much.

   Thank you for all the feelings you’ve given me.

   In the end, all that longing finally had meaning.

   “No, don’t cry anymore, look up a bit, please.”

“…Hic, sob.”

“Can I wipe your tears?”

“Sob…hic.”

“Look up first. It’s okay. I’ll close my eyes, okay? I won’t look at you.”

“…Hic.” Phii Fah’s words made me pause a little, even as I was still sobbing. I didn’t want to cry, but I couldn’t help it.

I nodded slightly in agreement, before Phii Fah released my shoulder and hand. I slowly looked up, stealing a glance, and found that the other person was indeed looking away with his eyes closed.    I then carefully wiped my own tears, pulled my mask down, quickly wiped the tears from my cheeks, and pulled the mask back up. It took nearly a minute to stop crying.

   “Are you okay now?”

“…”

“Oh, right. I’ve got my eyes closed, and you can’t answer.” Phii Fah said, “So, if you’re okay, can you hold my hand?”    I reached out to hold the hand of the person next to me.

“Is it better now?”

I squeezed his hand gently as a sign of yes.

“Then, can I check something?” I didn’t quite understand what Phii Fah meant until he slowly let go of my hand and turned towards me with his eyes still closed. I quickly looked away.

“I just wanted to know if you’re still crying.”

“…”

“‘You can close my eyes again if you’re worried I’ll open them.’    I looked at Phii Fah with a slight worry but understood why he said that, perhaps concerned that I was still crying. So I slowly extended my hand to cover Phii Fah’s eyes, and he leaned in closer, both hands reaching gently to touch my face.

The distance between us was too close…

His fingers touched near my eyes, and once he found that I had wiped them dry, he gently moved his fingers to other areas.    It felt like I was in a trance, trying not to remove my hand from covering his eyes. Our faces were just centimeters apart, I could feel his warm breath.

Thank goodness I didn’t have to look into his eyes…otherwise, I might have died for real.

His fingers moved to my cheeks, and Phii Fah slowly pulled down my mask. I was startled by the sudden action, but seeing that Phii Fah couldn’t see anything, I tried to keep myself still.

Until his thumb touched my lips, gently sliding back and forth. I felt my whole body trembling, and without warning…

Phii Fah leaned down, his lips meeting mine in a gentle kiss. The moment our lips touched, my mind went blank, my hand still covering his eyes stayed in place, before he leaned his whole body closer, trapping me against the hanging chair.

One hand slowly came up to cup my chin, making it easier to press our lips together. I closed my eyes tightly, my heart beating so fast it felt like it might burst, my other hand gripping his arm tightly, before his warm tongue slowly invaded, our tongues touching and flicking together.

I didn’t dare to breathe, feeling the warm breath caressing my ear and cheek. I didn’t kiss back because I didn’t know how. Phii Fah, on the other hand, was giving soft, slow, tender touches.

The faint, unique scent of him wafted up to my nose; I could hear his breathing mixed with the sound of the rain.

“Uh…”

I accidentally let out a soft moan in my throat when my lower lip was bitten, trying to push him away but lacking the strength, my heart beating so hard like I was out of breath or drowning, and I couldn’t hold my breath anymore, so I hit his chest with all my might.    Phii Fah slowly withdrew his lips. My mind blank, I quickly got up from the chair and ran out, but I was caught by him before I could escape.

“…I’m sorry.”

I quickly pulled my mask back up even though one of my hands was still being held, my chest heaving with rapid breaths. I didn’t turn back because I couldn’t handle anything else. I tried to pull my wrist back but failed.    “…You.”

“…”

“Okay, let me take you back.”    I shook my head quickly.

“Let me take you back. Otherwise, you won’t get home.”

I adjusted my hood, tucking my hands into my pockets, trying to stay composed but failing. I couldn’t think anymore, as if my brain wasn’t ready to process anything, just following Phii Fah outside. The same employee bowed respectfully without saying a word.

   I didn’t even notice when the rain had stopped.

   Not just my heart, my legs and hands were trembling.

   I bit my lip tightly when I realized that the gentle touch from earlier hadn’t faded, imprinted as if to be remembered for a long time.

   Our first kiss…

   It was so gentle…it almost drove me crazy.

   Phii Fah opened his car door for me to get in. I stepped into the car quietly, the luxurious car moved out. I didn’t dare look at the person beside me, just staring out the car window.

   Damn…

   My heart is working too hard.

   “Do you live behind the university?” Phii Fah asked. I nodded slightly, “Tell me where you want me to stop.”

The car turned into the area behind the university, driving along the path until I decided to get off somewhere not too close to my dorm, I could walk the rest of the way. I pointed to where I wanted to get off, and the car signaled to stop at the side of the road. When the car came to a complete stop, I immediately reached for the door to get out.

“Wait,” Phii Fah said, grabbing my arm.

I was startled and instinctively pulled my arm back, looking up at him in confusion.

His handsome face gave me a slight smile at the corner of his mouth as soon as our eyes met.

“I just wanted to say…”

“…”

“I really like your soft lips when I kiss you.”

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 24: So Glad

   Tonfah

   “Do you think Phoon will come to see you?”

“Yeah.”

“You sound so confident.”

“What do you think?” I asked back. Jo slightly raised his eyebrows at my expression before giving a slight grin.

“I knew it, Fah, you…” he exhaled softly, seeming quite pleased,

“You’ve set this up pretty well.”

“A little bit.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Just a little.”

Actually, I took Phoon to that restaurant partly because I wanted to tease him a bit, but the main reason was to create some hesitation in him. Phoon would realize that I’m not very confident about the relationship between myself and the letter writer, which would make him feel like he needs to do something. And while he’s hesitating, it’s a good time to get closer than before, reinforcing that I want us to meet once.

   “And what do you think will happen next?”

“After the exams,” I said, stating my plan because this is exam season, Phoon might postpone to give himself time to decide, citing the exams as a reason.

“That’ll be a while.”

“Not that long,” I said, just about two weeks, “What do you think he’ll do?” I asked Jo, turning to look at Hill sitting next to him, while Arthit was slumped over the table asleep.

“Why ask when you already know, Fah?” Jo said, giving me a slightly disgusted look.

“I want to hear your opinions.”

“What if they don’t match yours?”

“Why wouldn’t they match?”

“We’re discussing,” Hill interjected, “North is confident that Phoon will come to you, but Ter will go along with what Phoon wants, maybe secretly siding with wanting him to come a bit, but I’m not sure about the other one.”

“The one named Daotok?” I asked.

“Yeah, I don’t know him well.”

“I think he should come,” Jo said, “Or else, that person might be the one who planned everything.”

“Hmm,” I nodded in agreement. I thought the same, “At first, the chances of success weren’t that high, but because of North, I became confident that Phoon would come.”

“Thank me then.”

“Why should I thank you?”

“Come on, I’m your friend.”

“Yeah, whenever your girlfriend does something good, you take all the credit,” Hill said, shaking his head slightly, “North is the type who charges straight at things. I think Phoon definitely had to come see you.”

“I think at first North probably wanted Phoon to come to you directly,” Jo said, “I doubt North would have succeeded in convincing

Phoon, so there must be something else.”

“Hmm…that’s probably the main reason for everything,” I said, truthfully, I think I already had an idea. Even if I wasn’t completely sure, I thought it must be the primary reason for how things turned out, starting from a year ago.

“Aren’t you going to investigate? In case there’s something more than what you think?”

“Phoon said he was glad I didn’t know,” I said, “So, I think I shouldn’t really investigate.”

“But has that problem eased up? Otherwise, Phoon wouldn’t have come to apologize to you.”

“It might have, or it might not,” I said, the only thing stopping me from finding out the whole truth is that Phoon doesn’t want me to know. It seems like if I knew, it would make everything worse, especially for how he feels because he seemed very scared that I would find out, “But if it’s like I think, it’s not a small problem at all.”    “Ugh, how annoying,” Jo said, looking frustrated before leaning back in his chair.

“What are you going to do about it, Fah?” Hill asked.

“Well, if it’s really like what I think, Fan would want me to help, but most importantly, it depends on Phoon’s decision on how he wants to handle it.”

Because family matters are delicate, outsiders shouldn’t interfere. If it really is what I think, I will ultimately respect Phoon’s decision on what he wants me to do.

   “If you can’t talk to Phoon’s father in the end, are you going to go through with it?”

“Hmm, I’ve prepared for that,” I said, looking at Jo, who then smirked in satisfaction, “But I hope I won’t have to do it.”

“If you do have to do it, you’ll definitely feel guilty.”    I nodded.

“It’s fine, he’ll get used to it.”

“What kind of person is he, that you are saying something like ‘it’s fine, he’ll get used to it’?” Arthit, who had just woken up, raised his head to talk to Jo, “What are you guys talking about?”

“Oh, and you act like you know everything.”

“He said he felt guilty, which means he must have done something wrong,” Arthit said, leaning back in his chair, looking tired, “I told you not to talk to Jo too much, Hill didn’t stop you, what if Fah turns out like Jo?”

“Can you even say that?” Jo said, letting out a small laugh.

“So, what were you guys talking about?”

“Phoon’s problem,” I said, “I just guessed, but I might be wrong because I didn’t investigate anything.”

“You’re always right with your guesses,” Tit said, looking at me with an annoyed expression, “Just guessing but already preparing to solve the problem, you little devil.”

“I’m confident I guessed right; this method takes time, so I had to prepare beforehand. If it’s not right, then so be it. There’s no harm, and it’s even better that it’s not as bad as I thought.”

“Fah just analyzes crap from the information he knows,” Jo said,

“There’s no helping it. Didn’t even investigate a bit.”

“So, are you going to meet?”

“Yes.”

“Meeting through letters?”

“He was asleep when we were talking, but when he wakes up, he has so many questions,” Jo started to complain, “Knowing the story doesn’t help you at all.”

“And you, what benefit do you have?”

“Enough,” I interjected without much thought, our table would get chaotic if these two were awake at the same time; if one of them is asleep, the atmosphere becomes quiet instantly, “Arthit, you should go back to sleep.”

“Wow, you little devil, if it weren’t for you being Tonfah…” I let out a small laugh at Arthit’s words.

“Seriously, Fah, you use Jo well. He’s good at this kind of dirty work; he’s just about to get rich from it, damn.”

“Does the person who’s always asking me for money have the right to say that?”    “I’m going back.”

“Bring flowers too.”

“How many?”

“A hundred percent.”

“Screw you, go pick up your dad, the flowers are blooming like a garden by now.”

“If you can’t return to Thailand next time, don’t call me, go die and let the piranhas eat you.”

“I’m just kidding, man, you take things too seriously.”    “Asshole,” Jo said, shaking his head slightly, letting out a small laugh, “But seriously, Fah, I can do it for you.”

“It’s okay.”

“You’ve never done it, but I do it all the time. It’s not like it bothers me.”

“I’m not that good of a person, you know,” I said truthfully because I’m only nice to people who are nice to me. As friends, I’ve always been good to them, and since I’m quite patient, I rarely act badly towards anyone.

But people who behave badly don’t deserve good things, right?

“Gra…”

“Jo, are you cursing Fah?”

“Curse what, he said he’s not a good person, I just said I know.”    I subtly heard a sigh from Hill, who was sitting next to me. Hill is as patient as I am. If it weren’t for us, no one would put up with Jo and Arthit.

   “And what do you mean by you know?”

“If he were that good, why would he hang out with you?”

“Yeah, hey, but why does it feel like you’re insulting me?”

“You’re imagining it.”

“You too, so are you saying we’re all assholes?”

“No, the only asshole here is you, don’t overthink it.”

“Okay, I feel a bit better now.”

Sigh…I didn’t want to sigh, but I really couldn’t help it.

   “Back to the previous topic?” Suddenly, Hill, who had been quiet for a while, interjected, which was good to stop these two, “What will you do if you meet after the exams?”

“Probably meet somewhere not too crowded, because I think Phoon wouldn’t meet me directly.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, I can’t explain it either, but I feel like it will be like that.”

I want to know too…if the little one wants to see me as much as I want to see him.

“Fah, do you realize you smile as cunningly as Jo?”

“Really?” I said with a slight tone of surprise, looking at the person next to me.

“Fah is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, don’t you know that?” Jo said, looking at me with the cunning look he often has, “Someone must have awakened something in my friend.”

“When you encounter too much cuteness, you can’t help it either.”

…

Typhoon

   I stood in the middle of the room, locking eyes with North, who was sitting on the chair, his eyes full of mischief looking at me. I’ve never felt this urge to pinch someone’s eyelids before.

   “Typhoon, you’re so foolish.”

“What should I do then?”

“Just meet directly, what’s the problem?”

“I’m not brave enough.”

“Wow, Phii Fah doesn’t know,” North dragged out his voice in an annoying way. I turned to look at Ter and Daotok who were sitting on the bed. Right now, we’re all in my room discussing…what to do.    I want to go, I want to meet him, but I’m not sure if Phii Fah would be okay if he found out it was me, plus I’m embarrassed…because Phii Fah said he loves me!

   What Phii Fah said to me when we had dinner together, that he wasn’t sure about something, and the message in the latest letter saying, “If I don’t meet you, I’ll surely go crazy,” that…kept me up almost the entire night.

   And my instincts told me that this guy is very dangerous to my heart.    If we really have to meet. Of course, I wouldn’t dare to go meet him face-to-face. There’s no way I could do it, so today we all put our heads together to figure out what to do.

   North urged me to go meet him directly; if it were him, he could do it, but it’s me! Where would I get that courage from?

   “If Phii Fah finds out it’s me and he’s not okay with it,” I said in a faint voice, dropping down onto the bed, this being the main reason for my worry. Just imagine me walking up to him, and Phii Fah looks disappointed…how should I feel at that moment?

“You’re overthinking, just go, come on, it’s better than your disguise plan.”

“Meeting him directly as a cat isn’t an option,” Daotok argued. If I have to go, I don’t want to meet him face-to-face. So, we thought of going but in disguise, meaning Phii Fah shouldn’t know who it is, just meet and leave.

   But it would look so weird…just imagining it is strange. I looked at the mask, glasses, and hat that were piled next to the bed.

   “If he doesn’t know it’s you, he’d be blind as a bat.”

“Look, you,” I dragged out the word at North, “What should I do, or should I not go?”

“You have to go,” North said firmly, “Try putting on your disguise gear.” I reached for the items and put them all on: the mask, glasses, and hat.

“Hmm…” Ter stood back to take a good look at me, “Hmm, it’s…hard to tell, but how should I put it, it’s okay, North, come look from this angle.”    North stood beside Ter.

“Should you add a fake mustache?”

“Oh, that’s terrible,” Daotok said, “Seriously, if you walk around like this on the street, no one would recognize you as a cat.”    “Really?” North widened his eyes as if he didn’t want to believe it, like he really wanted to pinch his eyelids, so annoying, “It’s Phii Fah, you bastard, are you underestimating him?”

“North, you jerk,” I cursed and hit him with a pillow, “Seriously, he might guess it’s me, but it’s not that certain.” I said, standing up to look in the mirror.

“Wear a hoodie, pull the hat down low so he can’t see your eyes,” Ter suggested, “Take off the glasses so you can pull the hat down lower.”

“Hmm, that should be good,” I said, walking to the closet to find a long-sleeved hoodie, then putting it on to see how it looks. I’ve seen Korean artists dress like this at airports often; sometimes even fans can’t recognize them.

“Yeah, this one’s good,” North said, rubbing his chin, “If you faint in front of Phii Fah, I’ll laugh at you.”

“I won’t faint, I’m fine,” I said, “I was thinking of meeting after the exams. Do you guys think that’s good? That way, there’ll be time, and we can use the exam as an excuse.”

“Yeah, that’s good,” Daotok nodded slightly, “Where are you planning to meet?”

“Hmm…somewhere with not many people would be good. If I dress like this, people will definitely be suspicious.”

“But you can’t talk to Phii Tonfah, right?” Daotok said, “Because he might recognize your voice.”

“Oh…right, then I’ll have to bring a notebook to write for Phii Fah to read.”

“It’s really just a meeting where you can only meet, huh, oh, Phii Fah,” North said, shaking his head slightly, “Don’t forget, no matter what, in the end, Phii Fah will find out.”

“Yeah,” I nodded to North’s words. Why wouldn’t I know that?

“But…how do I put it, it’s because it’s the first time meeting as the person from the letters, so I want it to be like this first. Once we meet, we’ll see how it goes.”    “Like testing the waters, huh?”

“Yeah, something like that. If we meet and Phii Fah isn’t okay with it, then it won’t hurt as much.”    “Whatever, you’ll still get hurt.”

“Better than Phii Fah finding out it’s me and not being okay with me from the start, right?” I said, thinking about my initial decision not to meet directly. At least, with the first meeting, even if he doesn’t know who I am yet, we’ll get a sense of whether he’s okay with me or not.    If I meet him directly from the start and Phii Fah isn’t okay with it, after we’ve finally reconciled as brothers, not being able to look each other in the eye would be terrible.

“I’m just worried about doing something wrong,” I said with a concerned tone.

“Like what? Burping in front of him?”

“No, North, I won’t burp,” I made a face, “Like doing something bad.”

“Worried you won’t be able to continue, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Sigh, if this doesn’t work, we’re out of ideas,” North let out a big sigh, flopping back onto the bed, “It’s taken forever, each step of development, it’s nerve-wracking.”

“Have you written back to Phii Tonfah yet?” Daotok asked. I shook my head.

“Not yet. I don’t know how to reply.”

“It’ll be like last time if you disappear again,” Ter said. I nodded, remembering how last time I disappeared because Cupid got hit by a car, “Just tell him you’ll meet, but with some conditions.” “Hmm…okay, if I also say that, suppose when we meet, Phii Fah finds out who it is, can I ask him not to say anything? At least, if he’s not okay with it, I’d like him to try to act normal while we’re together.”

“Yeah, tell him your conditions,” North said, “No matter what, the one who’s dying to meet you now is Phii Fah. He’ll agree to anything you say.”    “North!”

“Ouch! You hit me again!”

…

   Tonfah

   Thank you for wanting to meet me. I want to meet you too.    It might seem like I’m making a big deal out of this, but I have about five conditions. Sorry if this makes you feel bad, but I’m not very comfortable myself. Thank you for understanding.    I’ll be wearing something quite unusual when we meet, please don’t mind.

   I don’t want you to try to figure out who I am, but I want you to see what I do. Whether our first meeting is okay for you or not, I’ll accept the outcome.

   If you find out who I am, I’d like you to act normal, pretend you don’t know.

   I’ll communicate by writing messages on paper, but you can speak because I want to hear your voice.

   Let’s meet in the evening at a place where there aren’t many people.

   If my conditions seem too much, you can tell me.

   Also, I’d like to meet after the exams because I have a lot of tests right now.

   “How is it?”

“Just as I thought,” I said, putting the letter back into the paper bag. I knew it had to be this way; Phoon won’t meet me directly but will come in a way that tries to keep his identity hidden.

“Because Phoon himself isn’t confident, probably afraid that I won’t be okay if I find out it’s him. But if I were to tell him directly that I already know, that might make things even worse, because Phoon wrote in the letter that even if I know, he wants me to act normally.    I need to build up his confidence without letting him know that I’ve already figured out who he is.

   Hmm…

“Meeting after the exams, right?” Hill asked. I turned and nodded in response, “The place, it has to be somewhat private, doesn’t it?”

“There are some places like that.”

…

Typhoon

   “Drive carefully. I haven’t finished paying it off yet,” Daotok said.

Right now, I was sitting on the back of Dao’s motorcycle, which North was driving.

Why, just by going to see Phii Fah…

My hands are so cold.

My heart is beating irregularly; I’m trying to breathe deeply to keep my composure, but it’s hard every time. Phii Fah sent a letter with the date, time, and location. We’ve all finished our finals now.    The meeting place is a restaurant quite far from the city center, and reviews say the view from the second floor is beautiful because there’s a balcony extending out.

“Phii Fah sure knows how to choose a meeting place, damn, it’s so far, almost to Ayutthaya.”

“North, you’re exaggerating, just focus on driving,” I said. Initially, I thought about taking a taxi, but they said they were worried I’d get lost, so they had North drive me.

“It feels like there’s a psycho riding behind, I’m not comfortable at all.”

“Just wearing a mask, hat, and hoodie, what’s so strange about that?”

“Ask where isn’t strange instead. Just a glance and people would be suspicious.”

“You little devil, the whole restaurant will definitely look at me.”

“Don’t trip and fall, revealing your hat.”

“Not that clumsy.”

“Oh, really?” And North kept talking all the way to keep me from being nervous; it helped a bit, but once we got to the restaurant, there won’t be North to help.

I’m going to meet Phii Fah…for the first time as the person from the letters.

   Damn it…I’m so excited my heart feels like it’s about to jump out, my mind is racing with a thousand thoughts, what if I trip and fall, what if they don’t let me wear the hat, what if people stare, what if the place is crowded, what if Phii Fah isn’t okay with this, my mind can’t stop thinking about these things.

   “We’re here.”

“So fast!” I said in surprise, lost in my thoughts, and before I knew it, we had arrived. North parked on the side of the shop where no one could see, it’s really quite far from the city center, and with Arthit setting at dusk like this, they turned on soft lights, making the atmosphere beautiful.    “Wow, there’s no one here.”

“Yeah, exactly,” I agreed, this kind of place should have lots of people, but why isn’t there a soul in sight? I looked inside, seeing only one employee waiting at the counter. Initially, Phii Fah said he would come pick me up so we could go together, but I absolutely refused, we had to meet at the shop.    “What about the way back?”

“I can call for a ride.”

“Okay, I need to hurry back.”

“…North, don’t go yet.”

“Oh, Phoon, what are you scared of now?”

“I’m not scared now, I’ve been scared for a long time, I didn’t sleep at all last night,” I reached out to grab North’s arm, making him jump and give me a look.

“Damn, you’re all sweaty and cold.”

“I’m sweating all over because of you.”

“Look at how you’re dressed.”

“What should I do? There’s nothing impressive about this.”    “What can we do? Just go quickly, if you’re late, it’ll be even worse.”

“Hmm,” I exhaled a big sigh, slowly turning around and walking towards the shop. As I walked, I kept glancing back at North because I felt uneasy. North, sitting astride his motorcycle, looked back and gave me a thumbs-up before he rode off, leaving me to walk into the shop alone.

The first challenge was the employee…

“Will they be okay with a customer dressed strangely coming into the restaurant?

“Welcome, someone is waiting for you on the second floor.”

“…”

I didn’t reply, just walked up the stairs. While doing so, I paused halfway, pulling my mask, hat, and hoodie tighter. Really, just the hat covers my eyes; my current attire consists of a black bucket hat pulled down over my eyes, a black mask, a long-sleeved grey hoodie with the hood over the hat, jeans, and sneakers.

   This isn’t the outfit one should wear in Thailand…

   Well…it makes me feel a bit more at ease.

   I walked up the stairs until I reached the second floor, finding that there was no one else there either, which made me realize something – Phii Fah must have reserved the whole restaurant…

   The soft lighting spread throughout the area made me look around in awe before my gaze stopped on someone sitting in a large hanging chair on the balcony.    Just from the back, I knew…

   I clenched my lips tightly without realizing it, just staring at Phii Fah from behind.

   I knew that once I stepped closer…our story would change forever.    My trembling heart was filled with anxiety, but I still chose to walk towards him.

   I slowly approached without letting Phii Fah hear or turn around, then sat down in the empty space next to the hanging chair.    I didn’t look up, keeping my head down, my hands in my sleeves, tightly clasped together. There was no greeting between us.    The silence lasted for about half a minute. I, with my head bowed, could see how close we were on the same hanging chair, just two hand-widths apart.

   Before the deep voice from beside me spoke up:

“Thank you for coming to meet me.”

🙂

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 23: Be Closer

   “Phoon”

“…”

“Phoon”

“Uh…Yes!!”

“Uh…Are you okay?” Phii Fah asked with a worried expression as I came back to my senses, my heart starting to beat wildly. The rhythm of my heart was getting stronger, faster, and shaking violently, so much so that I felt like it was about to burst out, loud enough that I could hear my own heartbeat, hoping Phii Fah couldn’t.

The feeling of heat spread across my chest and face, hot enough that I knew both my cheeks and ears must be bright red.

.. It’s like I’ve exploded and died once already.

   Phii Fah’s words…with that deep, gentle voice, were echoing in my mind like someone was playing a tape on repeat.

Even though I had lost all control inside, I still had to try not to show it, that I was both happy, joyful, embarrassed, and warmhearted, all these feelings clashing inside. I tried to control myself from breathing too heavily and too quickly to be noticeable, but it was hard because my heart was beating so fast, forcing me to breathe quickly too.

“Both your hands were sweating and tightly clenched together.    There’s such a thing as being embarrassed to the point of wanting to cry, and there’s also being so embarrassed you might die of a heart attack.

“Phoon…” Phii Fah’s voice softened a bit.

“Yes, Phii Fah! I am okay!! I, um…” I was so flustered I couldn’t do anything right, thinking I could control myself well, but I ended up doing something ridiculous, which just confused Phii Fah even more.

Of course.

He said he loves the person in the letters, Phii Fah doesn’t know at all that it’s me, why should I be embarrassed! I can’t be embarrassed, damn it!!

“I, um, I want to order cocoa,” I quickly picked up the menu without thinking, using it to hide my face.

Not natural at all, Phoon!!

   You have no trace of subtlety!!

   “Oh, okay,” Phii Fah said before looking towards the waiter to order, and the waiter approached.

“…One iced cocoa, please.”

“Got it.”

And then the waiter walked away. I put the menu down and tried to gather my composure again. Was my behavior just now suspicious? The answer was one hundred and eight million percent suspicious, and the important thing was that it was Phii Fah, Phii Fah, I mean, Phoon, oh my. I wanted to burrow into the floor right here!

   “Are you sure you’re okay?” Phii Fah raised his eyebrows to ask. I still didn’t dare to look him in the eyes much, but at times like these, it seems unavoidable.

…And it happened as I thought. Just meeting his gaze for a split second, those sharp eyes pinned me down easily, before the two sentences from before rang out again.

   To make me love this much…

   Love…

   Love!!

   I guess I won’t be able to see Fan, right…

   “You look like someone who’s embarrassed.”

“…Huh? Phoon, you mean?”

“Yes, you look very much like it, or maybe Phii Fah is just imagining things.”

“…Oh,” I fell silent, once again sensing the cunning from Phii Fah, but I guess I might be imagining it, “Oh, I am embarrassed on behalf of that person.”

“Hmm, embarrassed on behalf of someone? Is that even possible?”    Damn it…

   That smile could kill someone, has anyone ever told you that, Phii Fah?

   “Yes, embarrassed on their behalf, if he heard this, he’d be very embarrassed.”

“Do you think he would be embarrassed?”    “Yes,” I answered confidently.

“But I don’t think so.”

“Oh…why not?”

“I don’t know, maybe because we’ve never met, I can’t really guess,” said the person still looking at me, as the staff brought cocoa to serve, and I wanted to say I was full. I couldn’t even force myself to drink more cocoa. Who would try to get over embarrassment with cocoa like me?

“Maybe you can guess…at your level.” I said with a teasing tone while lifting the cocoa to drink.

“Why do you think I can guess?”

“Just a guess,” I accidentally smiled broadly.

“Then, can you help me guess?”

“How?”

“Help me guess what kind of person he is.” The other’s smile made me feel uncomfortable. I wanted to refuse, but it seemed quite difficult.

And why should I help Phii Fah guess what kind of person I am?    “‘…Can you tell me from the beginning?’ To keep things smooth, I pretended to ask for the details first, and Phii Fah began recounting from the first time I sent the letter.

Amazing…the details are so precise. He even remembers the date. I still have to write it down.

   But…how can I help Phii Fah with this?

   “I…I really don’t know either. I am not that good at this kind of thing,” I said, trying to dodge the question because I really didn’t know how to answer, “Did you try to find out who he is?”

“No,” Phii Fah shook his head slightly, “As I said, it’s enough if he’s comfortable.”

“Oh…and do you know any other information?”

“I am sure he’s in his second year.”

“…Oh.”

“He likes to take photos, loves trees, might be someone who likes to wake up early. His height shouldn’t be more than 170, left-handed, not so sure about the faculty, but since he loves photography a lot, he might be in a photography-related major.”

“…Wow.”

“That’s what I guessed.”

I wanted to ask, “How do you know all that?!” but decided it was better not to ask. After all, it’s Phii Fah, but he guessed everything right! Is it possible for one person to guess everything correctly like this?

“Wow, but that’s quite a lot of information,” I said.

“Hmm. Not really, there’s still a lot I don’t know.”

“Like what?”

“Like whether he really likes Phii Fah or not.”

I might be overthinking, but looking into those eyes of the person sitting across from me, I felt unsafe, yet I quickly shook off my strange thoughts…What does it mean by “really likes Phii Fah or not’?

“If…if he doesn’t like you, why would he send letters?”

“Well, not necessarily, because I don’t know him, he might be sending letters to many people.”    No way…

   Besides Phii Fah, who else could I send letters to?

   “I don’t think so.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“I guess,” I said, inadvertently frowning a little, “Phoon thinks he probably doesn’t have anyone else.”

“Hmm…” That deep voice made my heart feel oddly tumultuous. I didn’t understand why, “Do you think he only likes me?”

“…Uh”

I fell silent and looked down.

“Yes.”

“And do I think…he would love only you too?”

I slowly looked up to meet his eyes, my heart beating stronger again, along with my face feeling incredibly hot.

   “What do you think?”

   The repeated question, with a fading smile and sparkling eyes, told me he was looking for an answer, and I decided to give it.

   Both as the person from the letters and as Typhoon.

   Because they are the same person.

   So, I have only one answer.

   “Yes…”

“…He loves only me.”

“Are you sure?”

I let out a broad smile at the sentence I heard before moving my hand from my chin to cover my mouth slightly. I’ve never felt this way before.

   Has my heart ever beaten this hard?

   As far as I can remember, it hasn’t…never like this with anyone else.

   “…He loves only Phii Fah.”

“‘I am confident.’

…

Tonfah

   It’s such an adorable confidence, isn’t it?

   The little one sitting across from me had his head bowed, but you could still see his cheeks red up to his ears. I guessed he was probably very embarrassed by now, but for some reason, I didn’t feel like stopping my teasing even a bit.

   He’s insanely cute…

   Can’t he be this cute with someone else?

   Because I’ve known from the beginning, but he doesn’t know that I know. The sudden urge to tease him came up, and seeing his flustered behavior almost made me unable to hold back my smile.

   I want to keep looking at him like this for a long time. Whether it’s his clumsy actions, like ordering cocoa even though he was already full, or now, keeping his head bowed because he doesn’t want to meet my eyes, and that last question he asked…it’s because I wanted to hear that word.

   My confession of love…that would let him know.

   And his confession of love…that I’m hearing for the first time.    It might not be a straightforward confession, but we understand each other because he knows how I feel.

   And I don’t want to stay this close to him anymore. Even if we continue like this, it wouldn’t be so bad, but if it stays like this, I can’t pull the little one into a hug…

   So…I don’t want to just be a pen pal anymore.

   I’ve never felt this affectionate towards someone to the point where I want to pinch them until they’re covered in bite marks. If I could, I would have done it by now.

   I used to think I didn’t understand Jo, wondering why he needed to hug his younger brother in front of so many people without caring about anything. I never thought I would understand or be like him.

   But now I understand, it’s really hard to hold back.    If anyone could hear what I’m thinking right now, they would definitely think it’s not me. As I said, I’ve never been like this either. It must be because of the little one’s cuteness that makes me want to tease and pinch him this much.

   And between us, there was no more conversation. Phoon probably didn’t catch on much, probably too busy replaying what just happened in his mind, but from my perspective,

   It all looks very strange indeed.

   To tell me that person only loves me, and then just sit there, silent, with a red face…

   Do you think it’s not strange? Seeing him trying not to let me catch on only makes me find him even more adorable.

   What could he be thinking now? Is he embarrassed because he told me he loves me, or does he think he shouldn’t have said it so confidently? I just pretended that I wasn’t sure if the person from the letters only liked me, and Phoon immediately became uneasy, almost as if he was afraid I would misunderstand.

   And then he repeated the question, making it seem like I needed an answer, so Phoon quickly spoke without thinking.

   But to be honest…

   That confession just now…

   I want to hear it again.    Not just that he loves only me,     but I want to hear that Phoon loves only me even more.

   …

Typhoon

   I followed Phii Fah back to our usual coffee shop. After talking about the person from the letters, I was almost falling over myself because I was worried Phii Fah might misunderstand that the person from the letters had someone else. So, I blurted it out like that.

   And then I realized…it was like confessing love.

   Even if Phii Fah didn’t realize it…just now,    it was like Phii Fah confessed his love to me.

   And I confessed my love to Phii Fah as well.

   I rushed towards Ter so fast that he let out a loud yelp, squeezing him even though he was groaning in pain from the force of my charge. Now we were upstairs at the coffee shop, and Phii Fah had gone to sit with his friends.

   “Ouch, Phoon, ugh, you hurt me, North, help…help me,” Ter staggered towards North, reaching out for help, but North just sat there laughing.

“Ter, where do you think you’re going? Not letting you go, wahhh,” I said in a childish voice, hugging Ter even tighter.

“Ouch, my guts, my guts are going to burst!”

“Ter…”

“Help…ugh, North,” North grabbed Ter’s hand and helped pull while still laughing, “Let go of me, damn, Phoon, what did I do to confuse you?”

“Ter. Not letting go. No,” I kept trying to hold onto Ter, which made it worse for him because I was gripping him while North was pulling his arm.

“Damn, it’s even more painful now, North, let goooooo!”

“Come on, I’m trying to help here, come on, huh!”

“Damn, what did I do to you guys, let gooooo!” Ter was writhing, his face turning red, and he started rolling around until he ended up on top of me.

“Ouch, Ter, don’t crush me!”

“Flatten you, you crazy cat!”

“Ouch, ouch, ouch!” When I loosened my grip, Ter pulled my arm instead, now it looked like we were wrestling.

“Are you attacking me, huh? Now you’ve done it!” Ter pulled my arm harder from behind, North’s laughter was loud, that jerk, not even helping, “You’ve picked the wrong person to mess with, little brother, do you think the animal protection laws will save you, huh? How much is the fine for abusing a cat?”    “Ouch, ouch, I surrender, I surrender, Ter!”

“One.”

“Two.”

“Three.”

“The winner is Ter, the strong young man from Rayong!!” North’s voice announced the victory, Ter let go of me and stood up, raising his hands like a real winner. I sat up, panting from holding back my embarrassment for so long, I wanted to take it out on Ter, but I ended up losing.

“Consolation prize for the weak young man from Phuket,” North said, handing me some snacks. I accepted them while still catching my breath, “The people of Phuket must be disappointed in you.”

“I really feel bad for letting everyone down,” I said, sounding dejected, “Ter is so violent.”

“You started it!” Ter turned to say, still chewing on the snack, “Out of nowhere, you just charged at me, what the hell?”

“Yeah, Ter, North, it’s like this, um,” I suddenly remembered what I wanted to say and blurted it out quickly, but since I was still tired, I wasn’t making much sense.

“Calm down, Typhoon, you’re losing it,” North came over and massaged my temples, “Get some water, Ter, I’ll give water to the boxer.”

“Hey, no, stop it,” I quickly intervened. Last time, he spat water at me, this bastard. Is that how you hydrate boxers or something? “I’m okay, I’m okay.”

“We were just gossiping that why did you and Phii Fah have to go eat just the two of you,” Ter said. It seemed like our wrestling match earlier had caught the attention of the medical students, and if I heard correctly, there were light laughs coming our way. So, we switched to just talking normally.

“What’s going on?” North asked.

“Well, like, you bastard, you, fuck, I mean…oh, I don’t know where to start.”

“Seriously, you’re so embarrassed you’ve lost your mind.”

“How do you know I’m embarrassed?”

“You charged at me like this, you bastard,” Ter grimaced, “My stomach hurts.”

“Hey, sorry, I got a bit too excited.”

“Stop it if you can, this habit of hurting others when you’re embarrassed.”    “Come on, tell us.”

“No, no, no.”

“Come on, don’t be a pain. You said you’d tell.”

“Maybe it’s not that good yet, like…give me some time, let’s call later,” I said, “Come on, let’s study, quickly, I want to study now, Ter, where’s your book? Bring it out, North, hurry, I want to study basic physics, let’s go.”

“North, our friend’s not okay, he’s lost his mind.”

“Yeah, I think so too, he’s concerned.”

After we finished studying, I went back with Phii Fah, which is unusual because I usually go back with Phii Hill. But for some reason, I ended up going back with Phii Fah without any prior talk or arrangement. Phii Hill, once Ter got in the car, drove off even though he normally waits for me. Phii Fah, however, was already waiting for me to get into the car.

   On the way back, we didn’t talk about anything special, just general stuff, and I felt nervous the whole time. Until we got to the dorm, we wished each other good night, and I watched the same car drive away.

   That night, I talked with Ter, North, and Dao on a call for over an hour, telling them everything. Of course, they teased me to death.    (The point is, you know Phii Fah likes you, but the person in the letter doesn’t know.)

   “Right, so you have to pretend not to know, keep sending letters like this, huh?”

(Yeah, you have to do that, but the relationship has already gone far, Phii Fah even used the word ‘love’, man),” North’s voice came through the speaker. I could only lie curled up in my blanket, rolling around on the bed because I didn’t know what to do.

“Uh.”

(Love, cat, love. Not just like) Daotok’s voice clearly showed his happiness, (It’s great that we suggested the letter plan; finally, the cat has fulfilled his wish.)

   “Fulfilled his wish…us, huh!”

(Yeah, with things like this, you’ll soon be dating, I guess.)

   “Ter! You’re crazy! What are you talking about?!”

(He’s the one who gets violent when embarrassed, damn) North teased, (Phii Fah is pretty good, huh, very clear.)

   “Uh.”

(See, I told you) Ter said.

(He’s in love with the cat now.)

   “Dao…”

(Congratulations, cat, longing means something when it’s truly conveyed.)

   “Yeah…it was good to send it; if I just kept it like that, it would have only been a longing known by me alone.”

…

After hanging up, I looked at the time; it was almost one in the morning. I got up to sit at my desk, looking at a picture of Fan smiling, and I couldn’t help but smile broadly.

“Fan…I am so happy to have this day.”

“I used to think his life had no meaning without you, Fan, but in the end, I met everyone, learned many things, and realized that living is the best thing.”

“I used to think the rain would never stop, but when it did, the sky was truly beautiful. That’s right, it was worth waiting patiently for.”

“For the bright sky.”

I wrote a letter to Fan as I do every day without fail, sharing every story I’ve encountered today. I bought a new storage box and placed it next to the shelf where I keep the letters, which included letters from Phii Fah and various photos he had sent back. I clipped them in order with paper clips along a string attached to the wall.

   No matter what…photographs remain the best place to keep good memories.

   Many might think that writing letters is outdated and no one does it anymore, but there’s a charm in handwriting that you don’t get from typing chats. We can feel his emotions and remember them through the characters he writes.

   We got to know each other through sheets of paper.

   We talked, we shared good feelings.

   We took care of each other. We had time to think of each other. We waited each day for the feelings to be conveyed.

   We fell in love.

   Through those little letters.

   During the exam period, I would leave more snacks for Phii Fah than usual, and today was no different. I arrived at the medical faculty in the evening and went up to Phii Gibb’s coffee shop.

“Oh, here you go,” Phii Gibb handed me the paper bag that Phii Fah had left for me. I smiled and took it, rushing back to my dorm to open it as usual, and I was surprised when I looked inside the paper bag.

No snacks…

Just a photo and a letter.

It was a Polaroid photo of a brick-red sky that I wasn’t sure if it was morning or evening, with a message inside the letter that read:    Would it be possible,    if I wanted to meet you once?    Because if I don’t get to meet you,    I might just go crazy.

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 22: Falling

   “North.”

“Hmm.”

“Am I small?”

“No, you’re big like a bear.”

“…”

“What?”

I looked at him until he turned his gaze away from the drawing he was working on and looked at me.

“Yesterday…Phii Fah patted my head and said I was really small.”

“…”

North furrowed his brows at me. In truth, during these art club sessions, the one who suffers the most is North because he says he’s terrible at art, and I think that’s true. North isn’t skilled in this area at all.

“North, why do you need so much concentration?” Since I had finished my drawing, I went to bother him.    “Hey, can I have some time to myself, please?”    “Do you want Dao’s help?” I suggested.

The person in question was currently painting on the opposite side.

Dao glanced over when he heard his name.

   “Why do your face look green now?”

“I’m concentrating, holding my breath to draw.”

“My friend is going to suffocate.”

“North, my friend, don’t force it,” Ter leaned over to look at North who was sitting there with a tense expression, “You might die, you know.”

“Sigh” North exhaled loudly, “I can’t do it, Dao, help me out.”

“You should just call my name.”

“Uncle Daotok.”

“Sigh,” Dao let out a small sigh before getting up to sit in North’s place and continued drawing, “Hmm…should we use a new sheet of paper?”

“You’re quite forceful, huh?’ North whispered to me while patting my back, watching Dao take away the sheet North had been drawing on and start fresh with a new one, “So, what about it, little one?”

“Uh…little one.”

“Is that a polite way of saying he is short?”

“…Did Phii Fah call me short?” I made a surprised face, “No way, right?”

“North, you’re just…” Ter spoke up, although his eyes were still focused on his own drawing, “It’s a cute way to call someone.”    “Oh?” North furrowed his brows, thinking, “And what did Phii Fah say?”

“He said, really small, too.”

“Why did he have to say ‘really’ too?”

“I don’t know,” I shook my head gently, “But Ter…he didn’t mean

I’m short, did he?”

“No, I told you not to listen to North too much,” Ter said, giving

North an annoyed look, while North raised his eyebrows cheekily at

Ter, “It’s cute, that’s all.”

“Really?” At first, it felt…how should I say it, but hearing Phii Fah say that made me blush in a way I couldn’t describe, and after that, we didn’t talk much more until we went to study and then parted ways to go home.

“Another thing you should focus on is that he patted your head.”    “…Yeah,” I fell silent, thinking back to yesterday’s event made me smile involuntarily; it still felt warm in my heart even after several hours had passed.

“Yeah, and have you talked on LINE?”

“Huh?”

“With Phii Fah, you said when you distanced yourself, you blocked him on LINE,” North’s words reminded me, honestly, I hadn’t even thought about that with all that had happened in the last couple of days. I quickly took out my phone and opened LINE.    “Should I unblock and message him?” I asked hesitantly.”

“That’s good, then Phii Fah will know you’ve unblocked him.”    “Oh…about LINE…I also blocked Phii Fah on Fan’s LINE,” I suddenly remembered. I hadn’t told Phii Fah anything about Fan yet, “Sigh, damn it, if I say I lied about Fan, will Phii Fah get angry?” I said, feeling worried. Why do my mistakes have so many angles?    “If you tell him about your sister, it’s…” North said with a serious expression, “Honestly, at first, you lied because you blurted it out, right? But when you wanted to tell the truth, your father wouldn’t let you, right?”

“…Yeah,” I nodded, “Something like that. I was going to apologize for blurting it out like that; I didn’t think about it at all, I was just scared at the time, but in the end, my father wouldn’t let me tell.”

“Then tell him the truth and apologize again.”

“I guess I’ll have to do that,” I felt a sense of gloom I couldn’t describe, as if we had just reconciled the other day, and now, after not long, I had to confess and apologize again, “It would be good if I could take Phii Fah to see Fan.”

“Why don’t you invite him?” Ter suggested, “You could do it during this break, after the finals are over.”

“Oh, right, then explain everything at once,” I said, and everyone nodded in agreement. I would try to invite Phii Fah to visit our hometown during the break, take him to see Fan, and then confess about lying that she was still alive.

I unblocked Phii Fah on LINE and decided to send him a sticker, but it still hadn’t been read. I wondered if Phii Fah still used this LINE account.

“Do you guys study every day?” I asked.

“Yes. The med students have to study every day. We study with them too. Are you going today?”

“Yeah, Dao, are you interested in joining us?”

“To study?”

“Yes, will you come?”

“I’d rather not. I have work.”

“More work? You haven’t stopped taking on work even during the exam period,” North said, ruffling Daotok’s hair hard. Dao just frowned and let North tease him like that. Once North let go, Dao slowly fixed his hair quietly, “But have you eaten anything today?”    “I have,” Dao said quickly, startling us. Why did he look so flustered? “I’ve already eaten, and it was a lot too, so don’t scold me.”    “What are you eating?” Ter asked.

“Skewered pork with sticky rice.”

“How much of each?”

“One skewer of pork, half a pack of sticky rice.”

“…” The three of us just looked at each other in silence. That’s half the amount a normal person would eat. Usually, one would eat two skewers of pork with one pack of sticky rice, right? “That’s not what normal people eat, Ter. Normally, you eat two skewers, don’t you?”

“Five skewers still wouldn’t fill me up, damn it.”

“See, Dao, use Ter as an example.”

“Ter can eat a lot. I can’t keep up with that.”

   After finishing our club work, we chatted for a while, and as usual, Dao would leave first to rush back to his job. The three of us would wait for the doctors.

   “Dao, you are diligent, huh? Are you saving up for a car?” North asked. After we sat down at Phii Gibb’s coffee shop, I secretly picked up the things Phii Fah had left for me in the morning, and I also left something with Phii Gibb. We walked in and sat at the innermost table.

“You’re so nosy.”

“Well, I’m a curious kid, so what did Phii Fah leave?”    “Here we go again with the curiosity,” I said, and North immediately pouted and furrowed his brows at me.

“Come on, let me see.”

“North, don’t push, move away,” I pushed North away when he tried to get closer to look at the contents of the bag in my hand.

“Just a little, let me see too.”

“You…”

“Hey, hey, hey, what is it? Wow, I’m excited.”

“Always overreacting,” Ter said, laughing at North’s reaction. I pulled out the item from the bag; it was a Polaroid photo of sunrise.    Phii Fah had taken this photo and sent it to me, with today’s date written on it, as if this photo was Phii Fah’s sky for today.”

   Turning around, North was already back in his original seat, next to Ter and opposite me, probably tired of teasing and squeezing. Despite this, he’s not really one to pry into others’ business.

   I put the drawing back into the bag as usual. Before I could even take out the letter to look at it, I remembered I shouldn’t open it now. What if the medical students came? So, I put the bag back into my pocket.

   And just as I thought, not even fifteen minutes later, all the medical students started coming in one by one, except for Phii Fah, who was standing at the counter at the front. I caught a glimpse of him picking up the items I had just left with Phii Gibb.

   …

Tonfah

   “Thank you,” I said as I took the items and thanked her. Phii Gibb smiled back, though if you looked closely, there was a hint of discomfort on her face, probably because of both yesterday and today. I usually come in the morning to pick up things, but now I’ve come in the evening, and both days I’ve run into Phoon, “Has he been gone long?”

“…Uh, for a while now.”

“Does he know that I came to get the stuff in the evening?”    “Oh…no, I didn’t tell him,” Phii Gibb said with a smile, “And why did you come in the evening? Were you waiting for someone?” “No,” I answered honestly. Yesterday, I didn’t plan to wait for Phoon when I came to drop off the items, but Hill told me that Phoon wouldn’t be going with him, saying he had some errands. That made me guess what those errands might be. I didn’t want Phoon to go through the trouble of dropping off things for me and then having to take a taxi to the café.

   So, I…waited for the time when I thought Phoon would have finished giving the items to Phii Gibb before I entered the shop, which seemed to be perfectly timed with when Phii Gibb was making cocoa.    As for today, I came here because everyone had made plans to meet up.

   “Oh, doctor.”

“Yes?” I was about to leave when Phii Gibb called me back.

“Ask you something.”

“Yes?”

“Have you been talking with the person from the letters for long?”    “Um…” I was quiet for a moment, calculating the time, “It’s been almost two months I think.” Because he’s been sending me letters since the start of the semester for about two months until the midterm when I sent a letter back, and now we’re in the finals.

“‘It’s been quite a while, huh?”

“I guess so.”

“And what are you going to do when the finals are over and it’s the summer break?”

“…Oh, I haven’t thought about that yet.”

I’ve been thinking for a while that if we keep writing letters like this, we won’t talk during the summer break because no one will be here, Phii Gibb’s shop will be closed, and during the break, which lasts for months, most people go back home. Phoon probably won’t be at the dorm either.

   “Fah, what do you want to eat?”

“I don’t know,” I said before sitting down on the sofa at the table next to Arthit. It seemed like the conversation at the table was now about dinner.

“You’re not giving any suggestions,” Jo said, sounding annoyed,

“Let’s just go with whatever Ter wants.”

“Me again?” Ter furrowed his brow and asked, come to think of it, ever since my birthday, when it comes to deciding what to eat, all six or seven of us just go along with whatever Ter wants, “Hmm…I feel like sushi.”

“Which sushi place?” Hill asked.

“I read some reviews the other day; there’s one that looks delicious,” Ter said, his eyes lighting up.    And so, we went to the    sushi place that Ter had found.

“Phoon, are you coming too?” Ter asked, and Phoon seemed hesitant. Usually, Phoon would go with Hill.

“Phoon can go with me,” I suggested, which made the little one pause slightly, and suddenly, his face started to turn a faint red before he slowly walked over to me.

“I’ll go with Phii Fah,” Phoon said, Ter nodded and walked out with Hill. I secretly smiled with satisfaction when the little one decided to come with me, before we got into the car.

“Phii Fah.”

I slowly turned to look at the person who had just called my name.

   Why, I wonder…it’s never been like this before.

   I’ve never been called by my name and felt that my name sounded so pleasant.

   “Yes?”

“I…uh, I sent a message to you on LINE.”

Oh…so you’ve unblocked me on LINE then.

   “Oh, what’s up?”

“Nothing, just sent a message.”

“I’ll reply when I get back.”

“Okay.”

The person next to me went silent. I handed the bag of gifts I had just received to Phoon, who looked quite flustered when he saw the white paper bag.

   “Can you hold this for a bit? I need to drive.”

“…Okay.”

I started the car and drove off, glancing at him from time to time. He seemed very tense, not even daring to touch the paper bag, because he kept looking out of the car window, leaving me to see only a glimpse of his flushed face, including his ears which were starting to turn red.

That made me wonder, why could one person be this adorable?

“Phoon, can you help me with something?”

“What is it?”

“Can you take out what’s in the bag?”

“…” Since I was focusing on the road ahead, I didn’t see what expression he was making, but I guessed he must be really nervous.

“What’s in the bag?”

“Uh…Polaroid photos, a letter, and…some snacks.”    Hearing his shaky voice made me unable to suppress a smile.

   So cute…

   “What kind of photos are they?”

“Photos…of flowers.”

“Can you read the letter to me, please?”

“…Is that okay?”

“Yes, I want to know what the letter says, but I’m driving, so you, please read it to me.”

“…”

Phoon was silent for a moment. I secretly saw that he was slowly taking the letter out of the bag and unfolding it.

   “To…to you.”

I stayed quiet, waiting for Phoon to read the letter, trying not to smile.

   The sweet, pleasant voice slowly read the contents of the letter in a low, somewhat halting tone for some sentences. The content of the letter wasn’t much different from our usual conversations.    I was curious to see how embarrassed Phoon would be having to read out the messages he wrote for me like this, but from his face and cheeks, which were red to the point of almost bursting, I could guess well enough.

   “Is that all?”

“…Yes.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Phoon said with a sigh, then put the letter back in the paper bag.

The reason I wanted Phoon to read it out loud was partly to tease him, but the main reason was…I wanted to hear the voice of the letter’s author, to have him tell me the stories in his own voice, not just read from the text.

   And now I know that

   The real author of the letter is even cuter than I had imagined.

   …

Typhoon

   I didn’t dare to even look at the paper bag that had just been placed on my lap, my heart beating so fast I couldn’t control it, glancing at the road and the view outside the window. I didn’t dare to look at the person beside me to see what expression he was making.

   Phii Fah…

   Why did you make me read the letter?”    Damn…

   I bit my lower lip tightly without realizing it, my hands trembling slightly. I didn’t know how I should feel about having to read my own letter to someone I like, and the content I wrote in the letter was like…

   So embarrassing…

   I was so embarrassed I wanted to stuff my face into the car’s air vent!

   I bet my face must have been very red, so I tried to turn away to avoid being noticed by the other person. During the drive, we didn’t talk anymore, and by the time I noticed, the car had turned into a restaurant I wasn’t familiar with.

   “This place is…” I tried to look at the sign at the front of the store, realizing it wasn’t the sushi place Ter mentioned. Did Phii Fah get lost? Unlikely, why didn’t he go to that place with the others?

“Oh.”

“This place is good, give it a try,” the person beside me said with a smile, unbuckling his seatbelt and getting out of the car. As I was about to open my door, I noticed Phii Fah had walked around to open the door for me.

…Open the door for me?

   “Thank you,” I said in a faint voice, still surprised by what had just happened, and I followed him into the restaurant.

So, it means we’re eating just the two of us…

   Oh…this is bad. I’m afraid I’ll be so nervous I won’t know what to do, like just now when I was reading, my face was all flustered, my voice shaky, and my tongue almost got tied up.

   We walked into the restaurant, which was beautifully decorated, and the staff led us to a table inside. I was a bit tense because I’m not used to such fancy places; the times I’ve been to nice restaurants were when I went out with Uncle-Kong, and he took me to good places.

   Speaking of Uncle-Kong, it’s been a while since we talked.    We ordered our food, and once the atmosphere at the table turned silent again, I felt awkward. Probably because we hadn’t talked in years, and now that we’re talking again, it felt a bit uncomfortable.

   “When do your finals start?”

“‘Oh…um, the twenty-sixth,” I said. Late November to early

December is the final exam period, and I’ll be retaking exams in March, which leaves me with just this much time. I’m not sure if I can manage it. Normally, people prepare for university entrance exams for years. I did read about it, but I’ve forgotten some of it.

“What about you, Phii Fah?”

“From the twentieth to about mid-month.”

“Oh, how many exams do you have?”

“Just three finals, because we’ve been having block exams all along,” Phii Fah explained. I nodded to show I understood; it seems like in the medical faculty, midterms or finals are tough but not numerous because they’ve been having exams spread out.    In simple terms, it’s a continuous strain because you’re always taking exams.

   We talked about how the finals were going to be. I hadn’t told Phii Fah yet that I was planning to retake my exams. I was still considering whether to tell him because Phii Fah has always encouraged me to study what I love from the start.

   After a while, the food was served.

   “Phii Fah.”

“Yes?”

“I…am planning to retake the exams.”

“Another year, huh?”

I nodded instead of answering.

“Won’t it be too late? Now you are in his second year, if you retake, you’ll have to start from the first year again while your friends are in their third year,” I asked hesitantly. Honestly, this reason is another one that worries me; it does feel bad to graduate later than my peers.

“No. Two years is a small price for a lifetime of work; it’s worth it.”

“…That’s true.”

“Where are you planning to retake?”

“I want to study photography.”

“Hmm…” the person sitting across from me drew out the sound, looking up at me with interest, “Photography?”

“Yes.’”

“Hmm…good then, Phoon really likes it, doesn’t he?” Phii Fah said. I caught a slight twitch of his lips into a smile, as if he had something on his mind, “But does that major accept art students?”

“Yes, it accepts art students,” I said, meaning I wouldn’t have to take the hard physics, chemistry, and biology exams for the science majors, just the basic ones.

“So, the content won’t be too much. Have you been preparing for a while?”

I shook my head slightly, “Not yet, I just started reading recently,

I’m a bit worried I won’t have enough time.”

“You’ll have enough time,” Phii Fah smiled, “Would you like me to tutor you?”

“…”

I looked at the person sitting across from me in amazement, all the memories I could recall from when I asked Phii Fah to tutor me were…when I was rude to him.

   “Phii Fah, what are you explaining? I don’t understand at all!”    “Forget it, even if I teach you won’t understand anyway, let’s just drop this chapter.”

   “You don’t have to teach this part, it’s fine.”

   Even though I behaved so badly…Phii Fah still offers to tutor me?    “…Yes, please tutor me” I said after pursing my lips tightly, feeling a tightness in my chest, “Thank you,” I expressed my thanks with a firm voice, although deep down, I wanted to say sorry again.    “It’s no problem, but can we do it after I have finished his finals?”    “Yes, yes,” I nodded quickly, smiling broadly.

Why is Phii Fah so kind?

   And deep down, I’m quite greedy myself.

   Because I want Phii Fah to be kind only to me.

   “Phii Fah.”

“Yes?”

“‘So…um, about the letter.’

I decided to bring up the topic of the letter since Phii Fah had me read it, indicating he wasn’t trying to hide it from me. But I had no idea how Phii Fah felt about the person in the letter. Asking subtly shouldn’t be a problem, right?

   “So…that letter, um…”

Because I was just standing there, unsure what to ask, Phii Fah, who was waiting to listen, raised his eyebrows in curiosity.

“You can ask, what’s up?”

“It’s just…like…”

If I were someone who knew nothing about the letter, if this were the first time I’d seen that letter, what should I ask?

   “Who is it?”

“Oh…” Phii Fah was silent for a moment before shaking his head slightly, “I don’t know.”    “Oh…you talk to each other?”

“Yes.”

“But you don’t know who it is?”

“I don’t know.”

“You talk even though you don’t know who it is?” I pretended to furrow my brows, asking with the most curious expression I could muster.

“Yes, he didn’t say who he is.”

“Oh…so you exchange letters like pen pals?”    “Something like that,” Phii Fah said.

“Oh…”

What to ask, what to ask, stay calm, Typhoon, be patient, keep your face as natural as possible!

   “Phii Fah, you hardly know anything about him, right?” I looked up at the person sitting across from me, who had his hand under his chin, glancing at me with a voice that seemed to carry a hint of strange cunning, but I probably imagined it.

After talking for a while, the food we ordered was taken care of, the staff cleared the empty plates and told us to wait for dessert to be served.

   But…

   What does that look Phii Fah is giving me mean?

   Damn it.

   I couldn’t even meet his eyes…

   “Hasn’t he told you anything about himself?” I asked back, trying to keep my voice from trembling.

“Hmm, he hardly says anything, doesn’t answer when asked.”

“Oh…that’s bad.”

“Exactly.”

“…” I immediately raised my eyebrows to look at Phii Fah upon hearing that because he wasn’t showing much expression, but I guessed he must not be okay with it.

Really…

   Just as I thought…

   How can someone like Phii Fah, who knows almost nothing about the other person, find stability in this relationship? Even if I say I’ve gotten close to Phii Fah, it’s probably not close enough to make him feel secure.

   “But it’s okay, this is fine too.”

“When you say it’s okay…” I said, “Is it okay to keep talking without even knowing their name?”

“If it’s a point where he’s comfortable, I’m okay with it.”

“…”

“This is as close as it gets.”

“Oh…” That word hurt, “How long have you been talking?”

“Hmm, it’s been several months.”

“How much longer can this go on?”

“‘Anytime is fine.”

“…”

Listening to it…it seems like Phii Fah really likes the person from the letters, doesn’t he?

   And there’s no need to ask for any reasons.

   My heart was beating hard, swelling up as if it might float away, creating a warmth that couldn’t be described in words.

   I’ve fallen in love with you again.

   And this must be the millionth time I’ve fallen in love with you.

   “Phoon, are you okay?” Phii Fah asked, probably because he saw me go quiet. I showed a faint smile and shook my head slightly.

“I’m fine. Just thinking it’s nice.”

“What’s nice?”

“That you and that person exchange letters.”

“Hmm, why?”

“Well…it seems, um,” because even I didn’t quite understand what I was saying, I didn’t know how to respond, “It’s kind of cute, I guess, like not many people send letters to each other anymore.”

“Right? I like it.”

“That’s why it’s nice.”

“Hmm…but there are some downsides.”

“What?”

“Like, if I want to meet, I can’t meet, if I want to hear their voice, I can’t hear it,” Phii Fah said, which made me pause slightly, “Also…if he disappears, I wouldn’t know what to do.”

“Oh…yeah, if he disappears…” I accidentally repeated Phii Fah’s words. I don’t know why, seeing Phii Fah with his hand under his chin looking at me like this made me feel uneasy, as if I were being watched.

“Right? If he were to disappear, he must be quite cruel.”

“Must…must be cruel?”

“If he makes me love him this much, isn’t it a bit cruel to just disappear?”

“…”

“If he’s going to act that cute, you should learn to take responsibility for feelings, right?”    Uh…what does that mean?

   What…what?

   Cute?

   Someone acting cute?

   That cute…take responsibility for feelings    Oh…uh…what does that mean?

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 21: For Special One

   “Thank you for what?”

“…”

“What do you think Phii Fah is thanking me for, or am I just hearing things?’

“I don’t know, Phoon, you’ve been asking me since morning.’

‘It’s bothering me.”

‘I don’t know, I’m not Phii Fah,’ Ter turned to me, sighing with a tired look because Phii Fah’s ‘thank you’ kept me awake last night, so I had to bother Ter with what was bothering me, ‘Anyway, what you should focus on is that Phii Fah helped you, right?”

“…That thing,” I said in a muffled voice, burrowing into Ter’s arm,

“Hic, Ter.”

“Ouch, Phoon, get off, it’s hot”’

“Ter!”

“Your voice is cracking again.’”

“Sob, Phii Fah is so kind, he even remembered that I’m afraid of the dark,” I ignored Ter trying to push me away. I burrowed in even more, before Ter sighed in resignation and stopped pushing.

“Alright, let it out.”

“You, I’m like…” I raised my hand to my chest with a pleased expression.

“You remind me of that one team,” Ter said after seeing my face,

“The one with the fat cat, that does the heart-holding pose.”

“Really?” I thought for a moment, “Yeah, I’ve seen that.”

“Come on, do it again, I’ll turn you into a meme.”

“No way, I’m shy.”

“Quick, give me twenty.”

“Alright,” I raised my hand to do the heart-holding pose again, making a pleased face once more. Ter lifted his camera to take a picture of me, “Where’s my twenty?”

“Here,” Ter handed me a green banknote. I smiled and took it immediately, like it was the copyright fee for him using my photo for a meme, “I don’t need to look for memes anymore, I’ll just use you as the cat team.”

“Oh come on,” I said sarcastically, “Now, back to my issue.”

“Sigh” Ter exhaled wearily, I’ve been teasing him since morning,

“What do you think you should thank him for?”

“I don’t know, man, come on!” Ter shook me, losing patience, “He thanked you, shouldn’t you know why? I, I don’t know anything, what are you expecting from me?”

“Ouch, I’m getting dizzy, stop, stop,” I said to stop him before Ter let go, “Or…do you think there’s a chance Phii Fah knows about the person in the letters?”

“Hmm, why would he know?”

“I don’t know.”

“Did you accidentally write in the letter’s style for Phii Fah?”    “No,” I shook my head. I was sure I wrote in my normal handwriting on the gift, “No, no, that’s not true.”    “Then, did you thank or apologize for something?”

“Normally, people say thanks, would someone else apologize?”    “I don’t know, but I doubt it,” Ter said with an annoyed look, “Why don’t you just ask? Then you’ll know for sure.”

“‘No,’ I started whining when Ter pushed me to go ask Phii Fah again, ‘No. Not asking. Don’t know. Not going. Not meeting. No, no, no.’

“Yeah, you’re good at being shy.”

“You, I still don’t know how to act when I meet Phii Fah, knowing that tonight we have to study together again, I”ve been practicing smiling since last night,” I said honestly, because we hadn’t talked in a year. I felt tense in a way I couldn’t explain, and knowing we’d be studying together today, I tried to act natural.

“Come on, smile.”

I forced a wide smile.

“Yeah, you’re so tense it even reaches your eyebrows.”

‘really?”

“Yeah, just be yourself.”

“Be myself how? We haven ‘t talked in a year. I don’t know what to do.”

“Come on,” Ter gently tapped my shoulder, “Let’s go eat after class, okay?”

“Yeah,” I nodded in agreement. Right now, Ter and I were in class, and Foam still hadn’t come back, probably dealing with some family business, “Ah, we haven’t visited Dao yet.”

“Dao has been discharged from the hospital, haven’t you seen the

LINE messages?”

“Oh, really? That was quick.”

“It wasn’t anything serious, was it?”

“Has he gotten better?”

“I think so. Otherwise, the doctor wouldn’t have let him out.”

“Hmm…he really deserves a good beating, not eating like that.”    “You used to barely eat yourself, Phoon. Don’t go thinking you can judge others for being beatable,” Ter said with a disgusted look, because I really didn’t eat much back then, and I didn’t sleep well either.

“Now I have to eat. You guys force me to,” I pouted, remembering that in the beginning, when I refused to eat, North threatened to punch me, and he actually raised his fist, though deep down he was worried, but his way of showing it was quite barbaric, “North should go force

Dao to eat too.”

“Just wait and see, North might just shove food into his mouth.”

“Honestly, it looks a bit harsh, but it’s cute in its own way.”

“Yeah, it’s the kind of cuteness from North that…is hard to see.”

“Ha ha.”

Because today we had an appointment to eat and then study together. Normally, I would have to wait around five to six to go to Phii Gibb’s coffee shop to drop off some stuff, but now, at about four, Phii Hill was already there to pick me up.

   “What should I do…”

“Yeah, just tell them you have some errands, and you’ll follow later, okay?”

“Should I do that?”

“Hmm, or should we wait?”

“No, it’s fine, you go ahead. I’ll drop off the stuff at the coffee shop and then catch a taxi to the restaurant. Which restaurant are we going to?”

“I can’t remember the name of the place, I’ll send you the location later.”

“Okay.”

“Okay, don’t get lost.”

“I won’t. I’ll just get in a taxi.”

I watched Ter walk away. I sat waiting for a while near my faculty before heading to the medical building. I looked at my watch; it was about half past five, and people were starting to leave. I rushed to Phii Gibb’s coffee shop.

   “How was this morning?” I asked Phii Gibb discreetly, referring to how Phii Fah was when he came to pick up the stuff this morning because I had left my Polaroid camera as a birthday gift.

“The doctor was smiling.”

“He looked happy, right?”

“Yes,” Phii Gibb nodded and smiled at me, “Here,” and handed me the bag Phii Fah had left in the morning. I took it and immediately put it in my bag.

“Please give him this for me,” I said with a smile, handing over the items I wanted to leave with Phii Gibb. Phii Gibb took them and placed them in the drawer under the counter, “Thank you.”    “It’s no problem, so how are things going? How’s the relationship progressing?”

“Well…” I was silent for a moment, trying to hold back a smile but ended up smiling anyway, “Good.”

“Here, the doctor asked me to treat you to cocoa,” Phii Gibb said. I nodded to show I understood because Phii Fah and I always did this, treating each other. I was sitting on a chair in front of the counter; there was no one else in the shop since it was almost closing time, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone entering the shop.

   Phii Fah…?

   It felt like my heart stopped for a moment before it started beating fast, surprising even myself, when I saw the familiar person standing next to me.

   Wh…why is he here?

   Phii Fah looked at me with a slightly surprised expression before smiling. I slowly smiled back, but I was sure my smile must have looked very stiff.

   “Here you go, cocoa for the special one,” Phii Gibb turned around holding a cup of cocoa, pausing when she saw Phii Fah standing next to me. I looked at Phii Gibb with a slightly uncomfortable gaze, and she gave a sheepish smile, as if apologizing, then placed the cocoa in front of me.

“The special one, huh?” Phii Fah asked, my heart beating hard and my hands starting to shake uncontrollably. I didn’t look to see what expression the person next to me had, but that tone of voice made me feel completely numb.

What…that cunning tone of voice.

   “Oh…well, Phoon is a special customer of the shop.”

“I see,” Phii Fah said, “I’m here to pick up something.”

“Usually, you come in the morning, why are you here today?”

“I just happen to be free right now,” I took a sip of the cocoa in my hand to calm my nerves, Phii Gibb bent down to retrieve the same bag I had just handed her.

She straightened up, “Thank you.”

“No problem.”

“And did you treat him to cocoa?”

“Oh…of course, I haven’t forgotten.”

“Has he been here long?”

“For a while now.”

“Okay, then I’ll get going.”

“Okay,” Phii Gibb smiled. I just sat there quietly, feeling something indescribable because the cocoa Phii Fah had just asked if I had bought for him was the same cocoa in my hand right now.    I tried to control my heartbeat from racing too much, but I didn’t succeed. I was almost panting.

   “Will Phoon go to the study session too?”

“…Uh, yes.”

“How will you get there?”

“…I’ll take a taxi.”

“Wanna go with me?”

“…” I didn’t respond immediately; if I refused, it would definitely look bad because we were going the same way. So, I nodded slightly in response and followed Phii Fah quietly.

“Do you like this café?” Phii Fah asked while we were walking to the car. I wasn’t walking beside him, I was about one step behind.

“Uh…yes, I like it.”

“I thought your faculty had its own coffee shop, is this one better?”

“…Yes.”

Why do I feel so uncomfortable, and I don’t even know why? The coffee at my faculty is good too, but I had to come here, T^T.    I got into Phii Fah’s car stiffly; perhaps it was because I hadn’t ridden in his car in a while, and to think of it, it wasn’t even the same car anymore. Did Phii Fah change cars again?    The things Phii Fah just gave me were in my bag…

   The cool air conditioning in the car didn’t help me feel relaxed at all, nor did the cold cocoa in my hand. Both my face and ears felt hot. I just kept looking out the car window as the luxurious car slowly left the medical faculty parking lot. Phii Fah still drove as smoothly as ever.

   It felt nice because Phii Fah is one of the few people whose driving doesn’t make me dizzy.

   “Phoon?”

“…Yes?”

“”How are you doing?”

“Good…I’m fine, and you, Phii Fah?”

“I’m good.”

“…okay.”

“…You can tell me anything.”

“…Oh,…okay.”

I clenched my lips tightly and started to feel a tightness in my heart. Of course, suddenly disappearing and then suddenly reappearing, anyone would feel surprised.

   And between us, there was only silence until we reached the restaurant where we were supposed to have dinner together. I followed Phii Fah quietly as usual. I saw Ter, North, Phii Hill, Phii Jo, and Phii Arthit, all sitting there. The ones who looked the most surprised to see me walking with Phii Fah were clearly North and Ter.

   I sat down next to Ter.

   The person next to me didn’t say anything, probably because he knew it wasn’t the right time to talk. We ordered our food and started eating.

   The atmosphere at the table wasn’t much different from usual, but I noticed that all the doctors seemed tired, probably because of exams.    “Do you want beer?” Phii Jo turned to ask Phii Arthit, who nodded in agreement before Phii Jo ordered from the waiter.

“Don’t drink too much,” Phii Fah warned.

“Just enough to feel better.”

“Hmm.”

I’ve heard people say that drinking beer after work can help you relax, though I’m not sure if it’s true; it might depend on the person.

But North didn’t say anything when he saw Phii Jo drinking, as long as it wasn’t too much, he could still drive.

“The wind is strong like it’s going to rain,” Ter said after a breeze came in, “Hope it doesn’t rain again.” I looked around and felt the wind getting stronger and stronger, which made me uneasy because yesterday it rained and the power went out.

And then…it started raining.

“’Damn,” someone cursed as the rain began to fall. After we finished eating, we walked outside where there was still some shelter.”    “Hill, where did you park your car?” Phii Jo asked. It seemed like this café had several parking spots.

“Out back, what about you?”

“Next to, uh, Arthit.”

“What should we do?” Phii Hill asked, “Go straight to the café?”

“We’ll have to go now. Otherwise, we won’t have time to study,”

Phii Jo said, “Phii Fah, where did you park?”

“Right in front.”

“Okay, then see you at the café.”

“Uhmm,” Phii Fah responded, before Phii Jo took North to where his car was parked with Phii Arthit walking along, and then Phii Hill turned to ask me.

“Will Phoon go with them, or with me?”

“…Uh, I’ll go with you,” I replied, because I came with Phii Fah, how could I let him walk through the rain to the car alone? Then Phii Hill and Ter walked off in another direction.

“Wouldn’t it be better to go with Hill? You wouldn’t get as wet,” Phii Fah asked when it was just the two of us standing there, sheltering from the rain.    I shook my head gently.

“It’s fine.”

“Okay.”

Suddenly, there was silence between us again amidst the sound of the pouring rain, which made me think of yesterday when Phii Fah came to help me when I was stuck in the bathroom. It was strange that we should have hurried to the car, but instead, we were standing here as if we had something to say to each other.

   “Yesterday…thank you for coming to help.”

“Sure…it’s no problem.”

“I remembered that you are afraid of the dark.”

“I remember, yes.”

“And then…silence…again.

“Phii Fah.”

“Yes?”

“In the past year…I have grown a lot.”

“I can see that, you have become good.”

I smiled a little when I heard that, not looking at the person beside me to see what expression he was making.

“You are not going to ask why I…”

“Do you want to tell?”

“No.”

“Then it’s fine, I believe it must be something that was very hard for you.”

“Yes…”

I wanted to say ‘thank you for understanding,’ but I’ve been saying ‘thank you’ to Phii Fah too much lately. Maybe because, for me, there are hundreds of reasons to thank Phii Fah.

“At first, I was very afraid that you would be angry…”

I turned to look at the person next to me, then fell silent as his hand gently patted my head. I looked up at Phii Fah, feeling like my breath was caught for a moment when I saw him giving me a warm smile.

“I told you, I am not angry, don’t overthink it.”

“Y-yes…”

I showed a faint smile, my face flushing red, feeling warmth spread across my chest, my heart beating so fast it felt like it might burst out, until Phii Fah let out a small laugh. I then looked back at him.

“What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“…”

“Just thinking you’re really small, too.”

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 20: Are With You

   Tonfah

   I glanced out the window while sitting on the hanging chair in my room.

I leaned back against the chair and inhaled deeply. It seemed that this matter had quite an impact on my heart, just as Jo had said. I got up from the chair and went to rummage through the cupboard, finding an old notebook of Phoon’s from when we were together.

I brought that notebook from the table, along with the daily letters I received and the birthday gift Phoon had just given me.    It’s not the same, the handwriting of Phoon compared to the handwriting in the letters.

But…Phoon’s handwriting has changed.

He might not even realize it himself, because writing two different styles every day, there’s a high chance that both styles could merge.    The words “Happy Birthday” written on the gift, they seemed like a blend of Phoon’s real handwriting and the handwriting from the letters.

When I first received the gift, I didn’t notice it right away. While reading a book with friends at the shop, I suddenly felt something was off; when I looked at it again, I was surprised. Although there was no evidence, I was more than ninety percent sure in my feelings that the person in the letters was Phoon…

Shortly after, the lights in the shop went out. As soon as the commotion started, the first thought that popped into my head was, what about Phoon…

“I wasn’t too surprised when the power went out because, in this area, if it rains heavily, accidents happen often. When the lights went out, everyone started turning on their phone flashlights and shining them around, but I didn’t see Phoon in the room. Ter said Phoon had gone to the bathroom. The next thing I knew, I was running out because there were two bathrooms in the shop. At first, I thought Phoon would be in the closer one, but when I checked, no one was there, so I quickly ran downstairs.

Amid the pounding rain and thunderclaps, I heard someone crying and shouting inside, claiming the door latch was broken. Without thinking, I broke down the door.

Phoon rushed into my arms, trembling with fear, making me worry deeply. All I could do was hug him, comforting him that everything was okay now. The person in my embrace continued to cry and speak incoherently, like someone who couldn’t control their emotions, from the initial words of apology. I wasn’t angry anymore; I just needed that apology. Now, with the tearful apologies filled with guilt, I realized that Phoon truly felt very guilty towards me.

It made me feel secretly happy, knowing that Phoon still considered my feelings.

As I’ve said, I’m someone who is often forgotten when it comes to feelings, probably because I’m too kind to others, so people think a simple apology is enough, or worse, they think someone like me can’t get angry or doesn’t have the right to be angry.

“Hic, sob, Phii Fah, please don’t be angry with me, I…hic, I won’t do it again.”

“I am not angry anymore,” I said in response to my feelings that I was no longer angry, hoping to calm the other down, gently wiping the tears from his face.

No matter the time, the only person I would refer to myself by name when talking to is really just Phoon.

“Okay now?”

“Yes.”

“Then let’s go back upstairs.”

“Yes.”

I reached out to hold his hand, and he didn’t say anything before following me quietly.

“Thank you.”

Amid the sound of the heavy rain that drowned out the sound of my heart, the thanks from the other person rang out. I wasn’t quite sure what he was thanking me for.

“But…”

“Thank you too.”

I responded with thanks.

It was a thank you for coming back and a thank you for the care, attention, letters, and photos, all the love that Phoon expressed for me to feel.

   I used to see Phoon only as a little brother, and Phoon himself acted like he was just a little brother.

   Because Phoon never showed how much he loved me. If Phoon had let me know from the beginning that he could love me this much, I wouldn’t have let so much time pass.

   If it’s like this,

   How could I not fall in love with you?

   ‘Happy Birthday to you’

   Happy Birthday. I think you’ve already received many birthday wishes, but I’m sure I’m one of the few who prayed for you. Tonight, I prayed that you would only have happiness because your smile is one of the wonders of the world, whether in your studies or work. I know you’re already good, so I’ll pray that you’re not tired anymore, that you sleep well every night and wake up as fresh as the sun in the morning.

   Would it be too funny if I said thank you for being born, lol, but I really want to say that. Thank you for being you today because you are you, that’s more special than anything in this world, just like over twenty years ago when God blessed this world, and that blessing was you.

   I bought you a Polaroid camera as a birthday gift. If it’s not too much trouble, I’d like to invite you to take photos together. You might not like taking pictures much, but give it a try, it’s a good hobby. We can share photos from each day, but if you don’t like it, please keep it for future use. I’m sure it’ll be useful: )

   I smiled when I read the message on the paper. When it’s in a letter, it’s so long, but when handed to me face-to-face, it’s just this much. That means this year, I got two gifts from the same person. I reached into the bag to see what was inside…

There was a box for a Polaroid camera. I opened it to look and turned to see my own Polaroid camera that I had just bought. I bought it a few days ago with the intention of taking pictures to send to him, but when he…

I put my Polaroid camera back in the storage cabinet, there’s nothing I can do about it. In the bag, there was a Polaroid picture of a clear sky without a single cloud, with a message written underneath, “My prayers are with you: )”

“I smiled broadly again when I saw that message.

Yes…your prayer has reached me.

“Hill.”

“Hmm?”

“Can you take a look at this?”

Hill looked up at me. I placed my phone in front of him; the first image I showed him was of Phoon’s handwriting, and then I swiped to the next image, which was the handwriting of the person in the letter.

“What do you think?”

“Think what?”

“Is it the same person?”

“No,” Hill shook his head, “Not at all, but people can change their handwriting, right?”    “Not similar?”

“Yeah. Not similar.”

“Then look at this,” I swiped to another image, the third one was

Phoon”s handwriting that wrote, “Happy Birthday,” on a gift for me,

“Do you think this handwriting matches either of the first two?”

“…” Hill was silent for a moment, “Both.”

I stayed quiet, waiting for him to explain further.

“…No,” Hill swiped back and forth between the three images, “It’s more like the first one, but it also resembles the second one somewhat.”

“Hmm…try analyzing it.”    “Hmm? Why?”

“I just want to know if you think the same as I do.”

“Oh…” Hill started to furrow his brows a little, looking quite serious, his hand swiping back and forth between the images, after a while he said, “These three types of handwriting belong to the same person.”

“…Hmm.”

“The first style is what he’s been writing all along, the second style is new, but I’m not sure why he would combine the two into a third style, or maybe because…”

“He writes the two styles interchangeably all the time, so when he writes normally, he accidentally mixes them without realizing it.”    “Right, it’s like he got used to writing the other way,” said the person in front of me, lifting his hand to rest his chin, “If the first style is his usual handwriting, and he’s gotten used to writing the second style, it means he must have been very deliberate when writing in the second style, so when he goes back to writing normally, he mixes them up.”

“Exactly,” I nodded, Hill thinks just like me. At first, I was confident in my own thoughts, but after Hill said this, I became even more confident, “I think the first style is his normal writing because the strokes are more natural.”

“Hmm, the second style looks stiffer, which shows he’s trying to write…”    “Ah-ha.”

“And then what, do you want me to analyze this for…”

“I’ve found the person who was sending the letters.”

“Huh? You found them?”

“Not exactly, but he came to me himself.”

“Because of the handwriting?”

“Yeah.”

“If it weren’t for you, who would notice? If you hadn’t asked, I wouldn’t have tried to observe,” Hill raised his eyebrows, “So, it’s

Phoon then?”

“Yes,” I answered before picking up my phone again. If it had been anyone else, I would’ve been a bit surprised at how they knew it was Phoon without me saying anything, but this is Hill we’re talking about. From the content and handwriting, one could guess.

“Have you started looking at Phoon differently?” I nodded to answer his question, “And do you like Phoon like you liked the person in the letters?”

“Hmm, I like him the same, if Phoon is the person in the letters, I like Phoon, there’s no one else.”

“It’s a pity Phoon never showed it before,” the other person’s voice was calm. Right now, it was just me and Hill at the table. Jo and Arthit had gone somewhere, “When you were together, was there nothing? Did Phoon like you from the start or what?”

“Hill, I haven’t seen Phoon in almost four years, and when we met again, it was at university. What could there be?” I said, “I feel like

Phoon might like me, but just by looking, you’d know how much

Phoon likes me. Phoon never showed more than brotherly affection.

Sometimes I even think I might be imagining it.”

“…Oh, because Phoon doesn’t really show his feelings, does he?”    “Yeah…Especially back then when Phoon wasn’t very nice to me and then disappeared, I thought Phoon didn’t like me anymore.”

“…”

“When it came to the letter…”

“You like that the person in the letter cares about you, right?” “Yes…in a way no one has ever done, and he’s also the type I like. Honestly, I never knew Phoon had this side to him, this side that he writes to me in letters, the words, or anything like that, I’ve never seen

Phoon do that.”

“How do you feel now that you know?”

“I think…I can’t see Phoon just as a younger brother anymore.”

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 19: I Still Want You

   I quickly picked up the jacket to look at it, but found it was very large, just as I thought.

Loose…

Super loose

When I wore it, the jacket reached down to my thighs, but not to my knees. The sleeves were much longer than my arms.

That’s right…I’ve been wondering how Phii Fah knew my shirt size. He must have bought it just in case. Whatever, it’s okay, it’s still better than being too tight.

I walked over to look in the mirror and found myself looking like a kid wearing an adult’s shirt. Damn, I felt somehow bad, why am I this small?

Why didn’t I drink milk when I was a kid, hmm? No, I did drink it, and a lot too, even took it from Fan, but I didn’t get any taller. Who said drinking milk makes you tall? Even my kindergarten teacher lied to me, T^T.

I raised my arm to take a picture for him to show how loose the shirt was; my fingers didn’t even poke out from the sleeve. But whatever, I like it. I like the things Phii Fah buys for me, even if I can’t wear it to university.

I started writing a letter and attached the evidence photo:

Thank you for the shirt, it’s really beautiful.

   But…it’s too big, (; – 😉 I’m sorry. I should have drunk more milk when I was young.

   But no matter how loose it is, I’ll wear it anyway. I really like it.

Thank you again, you’re so kind.

   …

Tonfah

   Buying him a shirt as a gift wasn’t something I planned in advance; I received a letter about something happy, so I thought I should give him a gift too, and in the end, it was a winter jacket.

   I don’t know…just imagining him wearing the jacket I bought, just the thought makes me sure it must look very cute.

   I didn’t know his shirt size, so I bought the largest one from the collection just in case. If it’s loose, it’s fine, it might even make him look cuter. Plus, I chose white because I thought it would suit him well.

   But I didn’t expect it to be this loose.

   I looked at the Polaroid photo I just took out of the bag, it was a picture of him wearing my shirt, just the arm part, where the sleeve was so long you couldn’t see his hand.

   Is he that small…

   If the sleeve length doesn’t even reach, then the shirt must be way too big for him, when worn, it might turn into a dress.

   I’ve gathered a bit more information.

   He’s probably not even 170 centimeters tall…

   “Fah.”

“Hmm?”

“Sigh, I’ve called you three times already,” Jo said, looking annoyed at me.    “What is it?”

“I asked where you want to celebrate your birthday.”

“I don’t know, up to you guys.”

“But it’s your birthday.”

“Just do whatever you guys want.”

“Okay, then we’ll leave it to the juniors,” I nodded in agreement. Tomorrow is my birthday, I hardly noticed until my friends asked where we should celebrate. I don’t accept gifts from anyone other than my four close friends because it’s too much; there are so many people giving me gifts that I can’t handle it, so I’ve refused gifts from everyone else because it’s genuinely inconvenient.

“Do you want anything?” Hill asked, “It’s always a problem every birthday.”

“Yeah. I really don’t know what to buy, but if you ask what I want for my birthday, I don’t know either,” Jo said.

“I don’t want anything,” I raised my eyebrows, “You guys don’t have to buy anything, just let’s eat together.”

“Buying something is a must,” Hill said, “It’s your birthday after all.”

“Then anything will do,” I said casually.

Now I started to wonder if ‘Little One’ knows about my birthday.

Hmm…

‘Little One’

   Calling him that is kind of cute, better than saying ‘him’ or ‘that person.’

“You,” Arthit, who was sitting next to me writing, called out with a bored tone, “Do you feel anything strange?”

“Me?”

“Someone in love,” Jo teased, “How far have you gone?”

“Well, there’s nothing,” I said, “Just chatting.”

“Aren’t you afraid he might disappear?”

“I’m scared,” I answered honestly, “but I don’t know what to do.

Even though I feel like he doesn’t want to disappear either.”    “You can’t be sure, Fah,” Hill said, “Nothing guarantees he won’t disappear.” His words made me sigh involuntarily. In truth, this matter has been quite troubling for me because, as I’ve said, there’s nothing certain between us.

“At least, for your peace of mind, he should let you get a little closer,” Johan said, “Because right now, my friend isn’t being himself at all,” and he turned to smile at Hill, who nodded in agreement. I looked at them, not understanding much.

“Have you ever felt like this before?”

“Like what?”

“Like your heart…doesn’t belong to you anymore.”

…

Typhoon

   Today is Phii Fah’s birthday…

   I’ve prepared a gift for the person from the letters. I bought a

Polaroid camera because I want Phii Fah to take pictures with me. We’ll be able to share photos every day, but I’m not sure if Phii Fah will take pictures or not. If he doesn’t, it’s okay because Polaroids take beautiful photos anyway, one day he’ll definitely use it.

   “Phoon, are you going to the birthday party?”

“Hmm?” I turned to look at Ter sitting next to me, surprised, “Me?”

“Yeah, it’s Phii Fah’s birthday, are you going?”

“Can I go?”

“Of course.”

“Uh…” I was silent for a moment, “Who’s going?”

“The doctors, me, North.”

“Oh,” I went silent, thinking it over. Should I go? If I go, would it be weird? But I want to go. Since we’ve been talking through letters, and lately, um…it seems like Phii Fah…likes…me. I haven’t dared to look at Phii Fah since because I’m embarrassed…

   Thinking about the various phrases we’ve exchanged, the chocolate Phii Fah bought for me, the messages attached to the chocolate, and the white winter jacket I just received, when I think that it’s Phii Fah who sent them, that it’s Phii Fah I talk to every day, I start to feel nervous.

   Phii Fah doesn’t know.

   But I know…I can’t help but feel nervous.

   “Do we need to buy a gift?”

“Phii Fah said we don’t have to,” Ter said, “My gift is combined with Phii Hill, North’s gift is combined with Phii Jo. Usually, doctors aren’t that keen on getting gifts on their birthdays, but other friends will buy them anyway.”

“…Oh, so do I have to buy one?”

“You can buy something small, I guess. But haven’t you already prepared a gift?”

“That one is from the person in the letter,” I said. In fact, I had wrapped the gift nicely and written a card, but Phii Gib’s shop was closed today. So, I couldn’t get anything from Phii Fah nor give him my gift, “But where are we eating?”

“Just a regular seafood restaurant. Last night, Phii Hill asked me which restaurant I wanted to go to. I was confused why he was asking me on Phii Fah’s birthday, but Phii Fah said to do whatever everyone wanted, so Phii Hill followed me, Phii Jo followed North, and North followed me.”

“…So, in the end, everyone is following you?”

“Yes, and I wanted to eat seafood, so we’re going to a seafood restaurant.”

“Okay,” I nodded to show I understood. Today, Foam didn’t come to class because he had some family business, “Is it just us going?”

“Hmm, who else would there be?”

“North’s friends?”

“North said it’s better not to. They aren’t that close to Phii Fah, so they might feel awkward, and besides, it’s not like the birthday person wants anything grand. Just a quiet meal together is enough.”

“And me?”

“You meet Phii Fah often, don’t you?”

“…But actually, it’s just…” I went quiet for a moment before realizing, “Never mind, I’ll go then, since I want to see him anyway, and I’ve decided not to run away.”

“Yeah, that’s great, but let’s go eat around eight, then we can go back to studying.”

“…Why?”

“Phoon, we’re close to exams.”

“Yeah, but like I told you, I’m going to change my major.”    “But you still have to study the high school material, right? Let’s study together; studying alone is lonely,” I nodded slightly at Ter’s words, “After the birthday party, we’ll continue studying, it’s going to be so sad.”

“Hmm, right, and where will we study?”

“At the same coffee shop you got caught in the rain, yeah, it’s raining today just like that day,” Ter turned to look out the window, where it was pouring heavily outside. It’s Phii Fah’s birthday today, but it’s raining, this rain isn’t being nice at all.

“Do we need to buy a birthday gift?”

“It’s up to you.”

“And you?”

“I’ve bought one, it’s a book.”

“Wow…but I’ve run out of money,” I said, feeling down because I just bought a Polaroid camera, which was quite an expense. Even though I have savings, I try to limit my monthly spending, and this month I’ve already gone over budget.

“Something small will do.”

“How about a notebook?” I suggested my idea.

“Yeah, that’s good, we’ll stop by to buy one later.”

“Okay.”

After class, Phii Hill came to pick us up. I asked to stop by to buy a notebook before going to the shop. Luckily, the shop had a giftwrapping service; giving a plain notebook wouldn’t look good, but the gift box for the Polaroid camera, I wrapped that myself because I intended to give it to Phii Fah today. However, as I mentioned, Phii Gib’s shop was closed, so the gift is still in my bag.

I felt a bit surprised when Phii Hill looked at me through the front mirror with a gaze that seemed suspicious, but that look quickly disappeared.

The car pulled up to a large restaurant. I thought it must be a premier seafood place, thankfully the parking lot had a roof so we didn’t get wet from the rain. When we entered, I scanned the room and saw Phii Jo, North, Phii Fah, and Phii Arthit sitting together.

“You’re late,” Phii Jo commented when he saw Phii Hill.

“Just made a quick stop,” Phii Hill replied nonchalantly. I walked over to sit at the far left, as I’m left-handed, and it was the same seat opposite Phii Fah as before.

After we had been corresponding through letters, it seemed like Phii Fah…um, likes me. I couldn’t look at Phii Fah anymore because I was embarrassed, I really couldn’t look. When I think about the messages we exchanged, my photos, Phii Fah’s chocolates, the messages that came with those chocolates, and the winter jacket I recently received…    It was like the last celebration, everyone was chatting except me, because I’m not good at talking unless it’s with someone I’m really close to. Sitting at this table, I was mostly quiet, just listening to everyone else talk, eating slowly, and laughing when something was funny.

The person sitting across from me was the same; Phii Fah didn’t talk much with others, it seemed like this was the quiet zone.

“Arthit, can I have some shrimp?” Phii Fah asked, before Phii Arthit passed the plate of grilled shrimp over to Phii Fah, who then took it and slowly peeled a shrimp, placing it on my plate like last time.

Just like before…

   I nodded slowly, a gesture of thanks, before scooping some other food or peeling some crab to return the favor.

   I looked around; it seemed like everyone noticed us but said nothing, pretending not to see and continuing their conversation. Regarding the letters, only North and Ter knew, but about us being apart for a year, I think everyone knew and was happy to not comment on it.

It seems it’s good to let it be like this…

This is good; it means Phii Fah isn’t angry or hates me, even though I’ve been so cruel to him, ignoring him, saying hurtful things, but…

“…I’m sorry for what happened before.”

I decided it was time to apologize, “I will put aside the matter of the letter person for now, leaving only Phii Tonfah and Typhoon, the relationship of phii-nong who were apart. Typhoon, who once hurt Phii Fah, Typhoon who was once cruel, despite Phii Fah always being kind to Phoon.”

   The matter with my dad is part of it. I think I shouldn’t rush anything, let everything go as it should, but now…it’s finally time…

   The time for me to apologize…

   Enough with the guilt I’ve felt over the past year.

   Enough with all the pain I’ve experienced.

   “Yes…it’s okay.”

“…”

I clenched my lips tightly and then slowly looked up at him. Phii Fah gave me a kind smile, which made me unable to help but smile back, and my heart was trembling as it always does around you.    When we were about to leave the restaurant, everyone suggested giving the gifts when we got to the coffee shop. So, we all went to the coffee shop, the same place upstairs, nothing much had changed. The doctors started taking out books to read, including us. We sat in the Japanese-style seating area, on the floor, leaning against cushions.    Everyone gave their gifts to Phii Fah, including me. I handed him the notebook I bought without saying anything; it was just a simple notebook wrapped in paper from the shop, and I had written, “Happy Birthday,” on it. Phii Fah accepted it, smiled, and said thank you.    That was it…but my heart swelled and floated all the way to Dao on Pluto.

After a while, North invited us to go downstairs to buy some food. While waiting for the food, we sat on the lower floor instead, and he took that opportunity to ask me.

“Phoon, when you apologized to Phii Fah earlier,” North asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“I didn’t think that…”

“Was it too soon?”

“Too soon, my ass. You’ve let it drag on for a year, but I didn’t expect you to apologize now.”

“Yeah, I’ve actually thought about it. I wanted to separate my issues from the person in the letters first.”

“I started explaining while gesturing to emphasize that I would separate these two states first.

“Me and Phii Fah have always been phii-nong, right? Let’s set aside the fact that I like him first.”

“Okay.”

“And when the matter with Dad came up, I had to separate from Phii Fah. But now I’ve decided, at the very least, I feel like I’ve had enough of feeling guilty, so I want to apologize.”

“Ah, and your Dad, what if your Dad finds out you’re talking to Phii Fah?’

“Um, well…” I let out a sigh, “I’ve decided that I’m not living for him.” My words made both Ter and North raise their eyebrows in unison.

“I need to apologize to Phii Fah, that’s what I should do, but I won’t tell the truth. Do you understand?”

“The truth that you’re an out of wedlock child?”

“Exactly, I won’t say I’m Dad’s mistress son because it would make Dad look bad, but I’ll go back to being close to Phii Fah like before. The reason Dad doesn’t want me to mess with Phii Fah is because he’s afraid I’ll tell Phii Fah about his cheating ways. So, I won’t tell him.

Whether Dad trusts me or not, well, that’s up to him.”

“And what about your fear that Dad will move your university?”    “If I don’t sign the withdrawal papers, he can’t do anything.” I said, sighing, “I’m about to take up photography seriously now; I won’t bother Dad anymore. If the work goes well, I should have enough money to pay for my tuition myself.”

“Seriously, you don’t have to worry about money,” North raised his eyebrows, “We can lend you some.”

“If possible, I’d rather not bother you guys,” I said, “but if the photography jobs don’t work out, there are other part-time jobs, like what you guys used to do, right? They should cover tuition and other expenses, shouldn’t they?”    “They should, but they’re tiring.”

“It’s okay,” I said, showing a smile, “This is how it should be. I need to apologize, it’s the right thing to do.”

“Got it, so as Typhoon, you want to be back in Phii Fah’s circle like before, right?”

“Right, at least to talk like we used to. Not just look at each other without really seeing.”

‘What if Phii Fah asks why you disappeared back then?’ Ter looked worried.

“I’ll say it was my fault,’ I said, because I couldn’t tell the truth about Dad, “I won’t mention Dad at all, because he doesn’t want me to talk about it.’”

“Oh, so as a mailman,

“Have you ever seen someone you already know, but secretly they like you and send snacks or letters, and then pretend nothing is different in person?” I asked, and North nodded immediately.

“Yeah, I’ve seen that with my own eyes even today.”

“Oh…” I nodded slightly, “If I and Phii Fah were to become siblings again, I’d probably do the same.”

“Oh, I see,” Ter said, “And what would a romantic relationship be like in the role of a mailman?”

“It’d be ongoing, I guess,” I replied, “But if Phii Fah knew it was me, I could only hope he’d be okay with it.”    “Okay then, why wouldn’t it be okay if it was you?”

“I don’t know,” I shook my head gently, “I can’t read his mind.”    “Yeah, an apology might be good, Phii Fah might feel better toward you.”    “…Hmm.”

“For example, when I had a fight with Ter, he made me upset, I didn’t want to talk to him anymore, but in reality, Ter secretly liked me, sending me things every day until I softened up. When I found out it was Ter sending those things, I thought, why does it have to be

Ter, why does it have to be someone I’m fighting with?”    “If it were someone you didn’t hate or weren’t fighting with, it would probably be better.”

“Yeah, then I guess I did the right thing by apologizing,” I exhaled in relief. Initially, I was a bit worried about my decision, but after North said that, I felt much more at ease.

“Let’s say you’re on the right path, you’ve come to terms with your father, if he decides to…” North waved his hand dismissively, “like abandon you.”

“I haven’t done anything wrong, I didn’t even tell him the truth.”

“…”

“If he decides to leave, there’s nothing I can do about it,” I said according to how I felt. My father and I have grown very distant, and now that I’m using my own savings instead of asking him for money, it’s made our contact even less frequent.

Whether it’s about my birth, Fan, or every issue where my father blamed me, I know he just wanted me to bear the blame, but that’s not my fault. I didn’t choose to be born, nor did I cause Fan’s death, so I won’t take the blame for something I didn’t do.

“I used to think that Mom was gone, Fan was gone, so I didn’t want to lose Dad too.

But the truth is…

   The person I least want to lose should be myself more than anyone else.

   The self that Dad will never understand because he never thought I had any value, but in reality, I still have value to myself.    I still love and respect everything about Dad, but we just walk different paths.

   Because the one who will be with us for life…is only ourselves.

   “My tears are about to fall, it’s like seeing my son grow up, you little devil,” North pretended to wipe tears while we were walking up the stairs, holding sweets and sweet drinks in our hands, “When I first met you, you were always like a deer caught in headlights.”    “Really?” I made a face as if I didn’t believe it.

“Hey, really, seeing you study veterinary medicine made me feel suffocated for you. You didn’t look happy at all, it’s good that you’ve chosen your own path now.”

“Yeah, from now on, call me for any photography jobs.”

“Okay, I’ll support you then.”

“It’s good to be strong, Cat,” Ter said. I turned abruptly to look at him because he called me “Cat,” “Seeing you like this, I know how important it is to be yourself. Look at North, he’s too much himself.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? I am who I am.”

“Yeah, you’re you, that’s good,” Ter let out a small laugh, “And the person who makes us feel like ourselves when we’re with them is also important.”

“…Yeah, that’s true.”

And with those words, the first person I thought of was Phii Fah.

“North.”

“Huh?”

“How’s this?”

“Are you still stuck on this?” Because I was reading high school physics content, and North was an engineer, he must be good at physics. So I asked him to tutor me in physics; for an engineer, this should be easy, right?”

“Again, now, how do we find the average here, do we just substitute the formula?”

“Not yet, find this damn thing first.”

“What damn thing? What are you teaching me?”

“Can you just not argue like a student?” North rolled up his notebook and tapped my head lightly, “Are you raising your voice at the teacher?”

“Wow, is this how a teacher treats a student?” I rubbed my head, then listened intently to North’s lesson again. North is really good at physics, he might say he’s not good at studying, but honestly, I think he excels in certain subjects. He doesn’t care about subjects he doesn’t like, so his overall grades aren’t great, which is why he says he’s not good at studying.

But in reality, if you’re not good, how could you get into engineering? You need a decent foundation.

“If your test scores are low, I’ll curse you, don’t make the teacher lose face,” North said, pointing at me with his pen.

“Yes,” I replied sarcastically, stealing a glance at the medical students who were looking stressed. I felt a bit sorry for Phii Fah; it’s his birthday, but he hasn’t had any rest, and he didn’t even get snacks from me today. Otherwise, at least he’d have something to snack on.    …But maybe there’s something else, or perhaps someone else bought him something.

“Our friend has no snacks today,” Phii Jo teased once the atmosphere at the table relaxed, “The coffee shop is closed, isn’t it?”    “He didn’t even eat breakfast today,” Phii Hill said. I, overhearing this, was slightly surprised; why didn’t Phii Fah eat breakfast?

“No way.”

“He usually picks up something that was left for him every morning; today, with the shop closed, he didn’t have breakfast.”

“Before, you ate at the place near the faculty, didn’t you?” Phii Jo asked.

“I’m not used to it, I guess,” Phii Fah said without looking up at his friends.

“Going to Seven Eleven to buy milk and snacks would be the same,” Phii Arthit suggested.

“It’s not the same,” Phii Fah replied, “And why are we talking about my stuff anyway?”

“You’re the most interesting topic right now,’ Phii Jo said with a teasing grin. I just realized how much Phii Fah was being teased by his friends; it made me feel embarrassed while listening in, but the sound of the rain outside was too loud, making it hard for me to hear clearly.

“The rain won’t stop, huh?” Ter remarked, “It’ll definitely be raining until tomorrow.”

“Yeah, and what about Dao?” I asked because I just remembered, “I was going to ask, I haven’t been able to contact Dao for days.”

“Dao is in the hospital.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Probably worked too hard. Didn’t eat, so he fainted,” Ter answered,

“I was thinking of inviting everyone to visit him tomorrow.”

“Wow, weak, I’ll go mock him tomorrow,” North said with a mischievous raise of his eyebrows, tomorrow Dao will surely get teased by North about not eating all day until he’s embarrassed enough not to skip meals again, which is actually a good thing.

“Yeah, I’ll go to the bathroom for a bit,” I said before getting up to use the downstairs bathroom since the ones upstairs were occupied. Initially, I was going to ask someone to walk me because I was scared of the dark, but seeing the lights were on, I figured it would be fine.    I was annoyed that there was only one bathroom downstairs, and it was outside the shop, next to the shop’s wall, where both men and women could use it because it had both a toilet and a urinal, with the sink inside. I went in and locked the door, finished my business, washed my hands, and grabbed some tissue to dry them. But while I was about to dispose of the tissue, the lights in the bathroom started flickering.

   I began to get scared because the heavy rain was outside. I took long strides towards the door, but…

   It wouldn’t open!

   Why is the latch stuck? As the lights flickered more rapidly, my heart beat faster. No. No, don’t go out, lights. I quickly turned back to the door, pushing and pulling with all my might.

   Nothing…if the latch doesn’t move, there’s nothing I can do.

   And finally, the lights went out.

   !!!

“Help! Help! Is anyone outside? Please help!” I shouted without thinking, as the darkness enveloped everything, I started losing control, crying uncontrollably.

No. No, it’s dark, it’s dark!

“Please, open the door! I can’t get out!” I shouted until my throat hurt, my heart pounding so hard I was out of breath. I felt suffocated, unable to breathe, “Hic, sob. No, hic.”

I leaned against the bathroom door because my whole body was losing strength, my hands and legs were starting to go numb, and when the sound of thunder struck, I collapsed to the floor immediately.

“Huh, sob, help…please,” I hugged my knees and covered my ears with my hands, my face wet with tears I couldn’t hold back, my mind scattering. No. No thunder. No darkness. Not anymore. Not anymore,

“Sob, huh, help me, please, open the door. Anyone…”

The sound of rain and thunder outside

And the pitch-black darkness inside where I was trapped    …I can’t take it anymore.

“Sob, help me…Phii Fah, huh, Phii Fah…help me, please, help me, I am sorry, I don’t want this anymore, please help me. No more, it’s dark, I can’t breathe, sob.”

I kept repeating apologies even though I had already said them.

   I am sorry…I am sorry, Phii Fah, please help I, don’t be mad at I, didn’t you used to protect Phoon from the darkness? Come back and help Phoon get out of here.

   “Phoon!”

I heard a knock on the door, a sound I knew well.

“…Phii, Phii Fah!”

“Calm down.”

“Phii Fah, Phii Fah, help me! huh, sob,” I was shouting, crying, banging on the door, feeling relieved, overwhelmed with joy. Just hearing that voice made me feel safe even though I was terrified.

“Unlock the door, please.”

“I can’t, I can’t remove the lock.”

“…Damn,” I heard the person on the other side of the door curse,

“Phoon, move away from the door, please.”

“…” I didn’t say anything before slowly moving away from the door as Phii Fah instructed. I was startled by two loud banging sounds before the door was forced open. I rushed towards the person who had broken through the door.

“Hug, sob, Phii Fah, Phii Fah…I am scared.”

“It’s okay…it’s okay now,” Phii Fah hugged me back, gently stroking my head. I still clung to the person in front of me, crying incessantly.

“I…ugh, I am sorry, thank you, thank you.”

“It’s okay now, Phii Fah is here.”

“Hic, sob, I am sorry…sorry for everything, Phii Fah, hic, sob, Phii Fah, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to say that, I didn’t want to hurt you at all, I am sorry, I am sorry…”

“…Shh, I understand now. Don’t cry anymore.”

“Sob, hic, all this time, hic, all this time…I, I have always felt guilty towards you, I did wrong, I…sob,” I spoke without making much sense, still crying like a child, just a child as I’d always been.    Still being Typhoon as I always was. Whether now or any time. I still needed Phii Fah. I still wanted Phii Fah by my side. Whether I

was just a weak child or if I grew up and became stronger.    On days when I felt utterly worthless in my own eyes, on days when I saw my own worth and could stand up even when the sky was dark and the rain was heavy, until the day I found the sky after the rain to be beautiful.    I still needed you…

   “Hic, sob, Phii Fah, please don’t be angry with me, I…hic, I won’t do it again.”

“Shh, I am not angry anymore,” Phii Fah gently wiped away my tears, my eyes still blurry from crying, it was still quite dark outside, all the lights around here were out, I guess. I slowly relaxed my embrace when I felt a bit better.

“Okay now?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Then let’s go back upstairs.”

“Yes.”

Phii Fah reached out to hold my hand, and I was surprised that he did so, but I didn’t want to object. I just followed him quietly.

With the warm embrace,

   With his hand holding mine.

   These touches

   I will never forget them

   Because if it weren’t for you…no one else could have such a warm embrace.    “Thank you.”

I said thank you again amid the sound of rain, which was so loud it drowned out everything else.

“Thank you too.”

The person in front of me didn’t turn to look at me, and his reply of thanks made me feel surprised…

   The rain outside still hadn’t stopped, even though it was nearly three in the morning.

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 18: Every Morning

   I looked up at the sky again, unsure how many times I had done this already today, before bringing my gaze back to the front, zipping up my jacket as I felt the air getting colder.

   Rain is about to fall…

   After receiving a call from an unfamiliar number and discovering it was my father’s new girlfriend who called, she said her name was Prae, and when she referred to herself as ‘aunt’, I decided to call her Aunt Prae.

   To be honest, I already knew her name because I used to sneak a peek at her profile on social media often, just to see how my dad’s new family was doing.

   Aunt Prae said she wanted to talk to me about something. I hesitated for a while before agreeing to meet her.

   I felt like this was something I shouldn’t avoid. I should meet her. At first, I was worried something might have happened to my dad. I immediately called Uncle-Kong, but he said dad was fine, nothing was wrong.

   I haven’t told my friends yet; I think if I told them, they would just worry for nothing. I’ll talk to Aunt Prae first, find out what it’s about, and then tell my friends. If I told them beforehand, they’d definitely come to watch over me. It’s my problem, and I need to handle it myself.

   I just want to try to face it on my own.

   No matter what it is…I will get through it.

   In a small coffee shop not far from my dorm, luckily, I arrived before the rain started. Looking outside, you could hardly see anything because of the curtain of rain.

   I walked into the shop, scanning around. There was a woman in a white dress, with short brown hair to her shoulders. On her lap lay a small child. I walked over and sat down opposite her.

   “…Hello.”

“Are you Typhoon?”

I nodded, mustering just a bit of courage to look at the person in front of me.

I don’t know why…but I could sense warmth, sadness in her eyes, and a faint smile.

“Would you like to order something?”

“Uh…yes.” I was quiet for a moment before opening the menu, ordering a hot cocoa from the staff because the weather was quite cool. After ordering the drink, my gaze lingered on the little child sleeping soundly in his mother’s embrace.

“His name is Fai. It’s been quite hectic lately, so there’s no nanny to look after him, so I brought him along.”

“Oh, I see.”

Amidst the silence between us, it’s surprising that I didn’t feel the awkwardness that should have been there, and the sound of the heavy rain outside made me feel a little more relaxed.

I lifted the cocoa that the waiter had just served and took a sip.

“Typhoon.”

“Yes?”

“Are you…okay with coming out to meet me?”

“I’m okay.”

“I…don’t know where to start,” Aunt Prae seemed to be in her early thirties, but she looked much younger, her sweet face now showing more concern, “I know it’s bad to talk about this with you.”

“…”

“You already know, right, about Rati…um, your father remarried.”

“Yes.”

“But he never told me he had a family before.” Her voice was soft with sadness, her eyes filled with melancholy, which made me feel down too, “I only found out a few days ago.”

“Aunt Prae…aren’t you okay with the fact that your Dad had a family before?”

She gave a faint smile and shook her head gently.

   Why is she such a sweet and kind woman?

   Did I imagine it, or does she resemble Fan? It’s like seeing Torfan in her thirties sitting in front of me.

   “I’m okay…as long as, at the very least, he didn’t lie and didn’t leave you like that.”

“…”

“I understand correctly, right…that he left you?”    I didn’t dare to answer, my lips pressed tightly together in discomfort. What should I do…I never thought I’d be asked this. If I tell the truth, my father would look bad in Aunt Pare’s eyes, but if I lie…

   “Can you tell me the truth…if he looked after you at all?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“I’m going to divorce him.”

“…”

“Even though our child is still so young, he…he…” Aunt Prae pressed her lips together tightly before clear tears slowly rolled down from her eyes. I was startled and didn’t know what to do, quickly handing her a tissue. She took it to wipe her tears, which woke the little one in her arms, “Oh, did mom wake you? I’m sorry.”    Normally, a child this age would cry out loudly, but this little one was silent, looking at his mother with innocent eyes.

   “What happened?”

“I found out he is dating someone else.”

“…”

The response from her made my chest ache, and Aunt Prae’s sad expression and eyes made me feel even more pain.

Dad, why would you…

“Even though…hic,” she cried harder. I reached out to hold her hand in comfort, and she squeezed mine gently back, as if needing someone to comfort her. I don’t know why, but it made me want to cry along with her.

“…”

“Even though our child…is about to start walking by herself.”    It took a while for Aunt Prae to calm down. I noticed her face looked weary and pale with concern.

   “I’m sorry, I…ended up crying here.”

“It’s okay,” I quickly said. I understood that if Aunt Prae had just found out dad was seeing someone else, especially with a young child, this must be the hardest time for a woman.

“I found out he is dating someone else; after investigating, I learned he has another son…that’s you. I hired someone to find out everything, which led me to know that he…left you alone, right?”

“…”

“Because he sold the house in Phuket, you probably don’t have any relatives left there.”

“…”

“Tell me everything, please. I…am making the most important decision of my life.”

“Yes?”

“I don’t want my child to have a bad father like that. I want to know all the truth about him. If you say he was a good father, that means he’ll be a good father to my child too. Don’t lie to me; if he was a bad father, tell me. I don’t want my child to have that kind of father.”    I glanced at the innocent young child whose big, pure eyes were looking at me. In the end, I decided to tell the whole truth.

   I couldn’t lie to her…

   I couldn’t hurt this child. I couldn’t let this unknowing child face this kind of situation.

   I told her everything…really everything, from what I remember. All the things I experienced as a child, how my father punished me, the story of Fan, the story of my mother, the fact that I wasn’t their real child, and even the current situation where my father told me to lie to Phii Fah’s family.

   Aunt Prae fell silent. She raised her hand to gently massage her temples, her face paler than before.

   “…I’ve made my decision.”

“…”

“I will divorce him.”

“Fai,” she called her child softly, then leaned down to kiss her cheek, “From now on, it will just be the two of us, mother and child.

Don’t worry, Mom will take good care of you. You don’t have to be afraid of not having a father.”

“But kids…shouldn’t they have a father?”

“I grew up in a family with a very bad father, so, when he was in the family, everything was terrible. Many times I secretly thought that if it was just the two of us, mother and child, things might be better. That made me think…”

“…”

“Being without a parent is better than having bad parents.”    Even though her words suggested she was a strong woman, the tears and the painful expression indicated that her heart was breaking.

   How many more people have to break like this…

   “But that…that’s just the past. Dad might have changed,” I said softly. Aunt Pare gave a weak smile and shook her head gently, wiping her tears.

“He still lied…and what I really can’t accept is that he has someone else.”

…That’s true, forgiving someone for cheating is really hard.    “How can I trust that man again? By doing that, it means he’s never loved anyone but himself. And what about…will he love Fai? Can he take care of Fai? Or one day, will he abandon our family even though you are also his son? How could he do that to his own child? Might he do the same to Fai one day? How can you trust him? Why is he such an unstable pillar of the family?”

“…”

“That man…he can’t be a father to anyone.”

I talked with Aunt Prae for a while longer. She decided to divorce my dad. Honestly, I think she had already made up her mind, but she just wanted to hear the truth from me. I suddenly thought about how angry dad must be if he knew I met with Aunt Prae.

   But in reality, the person he should be most angry with is himself.    Since the day Aunt Prae decided to divorce my dad, her and her child’s life would change completely, but I believe…she chose what she thought was best for her child.

   That smile was tinged with sadness but also showed determination. It’s not easy for a small woman like her, but love always makes people stronger. We don’t know how strong we can be until strength is the last thing we have.

   And the image of a mother holding her little one in her arms warmed my heart entirely.    “Do you want to hold the baby?”

“Huh?”

“Can you consider Fai as your little sister?” Aunt Prae said, giving me a kind smile, “You might not like me because I’m your dad’s new wife, but now…I feel like we might be in the same boat. We’ve both encountered a bad person. If I had known about you beforehand, I would have wanted you to live with us.”

“…You want me to live with you?”

“Yeah, how can you leave a child alone like that?”    I couldn’t help but smile at such genuine kindness.

“Can I hold him, please?” I said before taking little Fai into my arms. I love children…a lot. I hugged Fai tightly, which made Aunt Prae laugh.

My little sister…

   Her name is Fai.

   Fan

   Fun (Phoon)

   Fai

   We are siblings…

   Fan loved me even though she knew I was from a different mother.

We will love Fai just as much as Fan loved me.

   My little sister Fai!

   “Ae…Ae,” because she couldn’t speak yet, she could only make throaty sounds, but she hadn’t cried since we’ve been together, such a good kid.

“Ae, what do you want?”

What’s with this “Ae” of yours, Phoon…

   Ae, she’s cute.

   “It seems Fah likes you,” Aunt Pare laughed softly. I couldn’t help but smile broadly, “Normally, she’d cry if anyone else held her.”    I love my little sister Fah too!

   I played with the child for a while until it was time for us to part. Even though it was still drizzling, Aunt Pare had to hurry back. We exchanged LINE contacts. I walked them to the front of the shop, seeing that the car was parked a bit far away, so I walked them to the car.

   “You don’t have to walk us.”

“How can I not…you’ll both get sick,” I said, taking off my jacket to put over Aunt Prae, who held Fai tightly in her arms before we walked to the car.

“See you later, thank you for coming to meet me, and thank you for telling me everything, let’s meet again.”

“Yes. It’s okay, see you,” I smiled, and as I was about to walk back, Aunt Pare said something as if she just remembered.

“Typhoon, you told me that Rati always told you to follow his decision, right?” I nodded in response, “I believe your sister…she would want you to have more confidence in yourself.”

“…”

“You can choose your own path now.”

“…”

“Because the person who will be with you for life isn’t him, but you yourself.”

Aunt Prae’s words before we parted have been echoing in my head for nearly ten minutes. I came back into the same cafe because the rain was still falling, and I didn’t feel like rushing back. I sat staring at the empty coffee cup as evidence that someone had been there.

Choose your own path…

I think that word doesn’t just refer to the matter with my dad…    I took out my phone and started searching for information about university faculties, looking for photography-related departments, researching new admission tests.

The path I’m choosing now isn’t mine…it’s been a struggle to keep going. I never wanted to be a veterinarian. I never wanted to be a doctor. That’s why I haven’t been doing well academically in the veterinary faculty for the past year.

But if I leave here, I’ll have to be far from my friends.

No…I’m confident everyone would support me in following my own passion.

I was lost in thought for nearly half an hour, staring blankly at the continuous drizzle outside amidst the noisy cafe. The truth is, I’ve never hesitated to say what I like. I’ve known from the start what I wanted to be, but I chose to ignore it.

Thinking about it…I’ve been quite cruel to my own passion.    Today is a holiday, and it’s raining too, around ten in the morning. I guess my friends are probably not awake yet; it’s too early to wake up on a rainy holiday. I really wanted to tell them about Aunt Prae.

I typed into the group chat that I had something good to share. As soon as the message was sent, it showed that one person had read it.

-dust-:. Who read it? Why are you up so early?    ss:. It’s me.    ss: I haven’t slept yet.    ss: It’s almost ten in the morning.

   -dust-: Go to sleep    ss: What is going on cat?    -dust-: I’ll tell you all at once later

   -dust-: Go rest first    ss: No    ss: Tell me    ss: We want to know first

   Then Daotok called. I looked slightly surprised before answering, the voice on the LINE sounded tired, but we were used to it by now. North said that Daotok is like Phii Jo in the sense that they are both workaholics, even when sometimes the work isn’t urgent, but due to their habit of overworking. I’ve seen Daotok look exhausted often, especially these days he probably hasn’t rested much at all.    Why push yourself so hard, especially when you’re so small, you’d probably fall over just from walking around.

“Are you going to sleep first?”

(The work isn’t done yet.)

   “And you can still talk?”

(Yes, I can. I’m taking a break, my eyes are so tired.)

   “Oh…don’t drink coffee anymore.”

(…Hmm, cat.)

   “What?”

(No one has ever told me not to drink coffee. I’m happy.)

   “Here I am telling you not to, don’t drink too much.”

(You’re so kind, cat.)

   “What’s so kind about it? It’s normal.”

(Not normal, the cat is very kind, do you realize that?)    “…Really?” I raised my eyebrows in disbelief; I’ve never heard anyone say something like this to me before. We talked for a while before Dao brought the conversation back to my good news. I told Dao with an excited, happy tone.

(You really have a kind heart.)

   “Why?”

(Think about how many people would love their step-sibling, especially with a stepmother. Normally, people would hate it if their parents had another family.)

   “Oh…that’s true, but I don’t see it that way at all.”

(You’re such a gentle cat.)

   “…Gentle?” I said, feeling a bit embarrassed. Daotok is quite a gentle guy to me, his words are all so sweet. He once said his family taught him to speak this way; if he said anything rude, he’d get his hand smacked. North was the first person Dao ever used rude words with, but over time, Dao liked to tease North more by speaking politely.

Because North, if spoken to politely, would be at a loss for what to do, like he’s been rough all his life…

But in reality, Daotok isn’t friendly at all. Not one bit…If it weren’t for people like Ter and North, who are good at socializing, Daotok probably wouldn’t have joined us. When he’s with us, Dao only cares about our group; he hardly speaks a word to anyone else.

North once said that Dao is his complete opposite, which everyone agrees with. How dare you compare yourself to Dao, but Dao really likes North. Dao said he’s not much of a talker, but when he met North, he spoke even less because North talks too much.    (It’s good that Aunt Prae is a kind person, and good that she could get away from that man.)

   “Yeah, I hope everything gets better,” I said, “I’m thinking about changing my major.”

(Are you going to study photography?)

   “Probably, I’ve been hesitating my whole life, but I’ve decided now.

Even though I’ll miss being with my friends…”

(Don’t say that, we’ll still be friends no matter where you study.)    “Hmm…” I couldn’t help but smile faintly, warmth swelling up in my heart.

(Cat, you have gotten stronger.)

   “Why?”

(Back when we first met…cat, you seemed very attached to Ter, Foam, and North. It was like friends were you smile, you needed friends to be happy, but now you can choose your own path. Not putting others before yourself like before.)

   “Yeah…finally choosing my own way, but I still want to have everyone.”

(The cat already has everyone, everyone loves the cat. We love you, cat, too.)    “I love you too.”

I don’t even know where the tears came from or why, but all the warmth I felt from talking with Aunt Prae to now talking with Daotok, I couldn’t help but cry.

   But these aren’t tears of pain like before; this is the first time I genuinely feel like thanking myself…thank you for being strong, thank you for deciding to keep fighting on that day, thank you for not giving up, no matter what.    Thank you, Typhoon…

   (Do your portfolio, put in lots of the beautiful photos you’ve taken. You’ll definitely pass the interview.)

   “That’s true, I’m excited thinking about showing my own work.”

(Applications open in December too, it’s not long now.)

   “Is it nationwide? Then I’ll apply.”

(Yes, I’ve chosen it as my top choice, I definitely will get in, my scores from previous years weren’t that high.)

   “Great, I guess I’ll have to go back and review the high school material.”

Dao and I chatted on and on. Now we were talking about studying photography or taking photos; my university has a department related to photography.

(Hmm, yes…What about Phii Tonfah then?)

   “Why?”

(Well…what will you do next? With the matter of your father…)    “I feel like this is okay now,” I said according to my true feelings, “I think it’s not because of my father’s command, but because I love him more. I choose to do this because of love.”    you

“And suddenly, if I were to walk up to Phii Fah and tell him, it wouldn’t work, would it?”

(Yeah, that would look really weird.)

   “Right, just suddenly walking up and saying, ‘Bro…I’m the one from the letters, I’ve been doing this because my dad told me to, in reality, my dad is like this and that…’ It wouldn’t be good.”

(…Hmm.)

   “I’ve chosen my path, I want to study photography. As for the matter with my dad and Phii Fah…I think it’s better for everyone if things progress slowly rather than us getting too close too fast. And in the role of the person from the letters, if one day the truth has to come out, by then, I won’t be afraid.”

(I understand, it’s better to take things slowly. Some things have their own time, don’t rush anything.)

   “Yes…let our relationship grow slowly like this.”

I glanced at the Polaroid photo in my hand, a picture of a blooming pink flower in a pot, with a message written in black ink under the picture, “The flower I planted, it’s blooming beautifully, (^_^).”    I couldn’t help but smile at the description of the photo. This is the first time he’s sent me a picture of something other than the snacks I’ve bought. As I mentioned before, I’ve asked about him, but he never answered.

   But at least now I know he grows flowers, and he might be someone who likes gardening. Looking at how he’s managed to grow such a difficult flower to such beauty.

   But why send this picture? I thought he wouldn’t send anything other than snacks.

   This is something personal to him, there’s no need to send it at all. Does it mean he wants me to get a little closer to knowing who he really is?

   One thing I’ve noticed is that he’s good at photography too. Up until now, it’s just been pictures of the snacks he’s eaten. No need for special angles, but looking at this flower picture…

   He likes taking photos.

   There’s a possibility he might be a photographer. Polaroid cameras are used by many, but someone who can make a Polaroid look this good must be quite skilled, which means he’d be even better with other types of cameras.

   And with Polaroids, you can’t adjust the color, so up until now, I’ve only taken photos of snacks, probably just in the room. But with flowers, you have to go outside to take pictures. With this much light, you need to take photos when the sun is strong, at the balcony where the sunlight comes in directly. This would be difficult, more like shooting outdoors.

   Grow them yourself? But not on the balcony?

   There was one letter he sent where he briefly mentioned his dormitory, just saying that it’s been very hot there lately. Lives in a dorm…but doesn’t grow plants on the balcony?

   …On the rooftop?

   Then I guessed that someone who seems to love growing plants like him must have a rooftop full of plants. But…usually, rooftops are used for storage. Why would the dorm owner allow this?

   I stared at the photo in my hand while my mind wandered aimlessly. I’m not trying to find him; I’m just analyzing the information I’ve received.

   This kind of light and shadow…

   It looks like it was taken early in the morning or late in the evening. No, it’s probably morning. Looking at how beautifully the flowers have bloomed, he might have a habit of waking up early too, waking up to take care of his plants before getting ready for school…

I moved the pots and watered the plants in a good mood. I woke up early again today. I’ve been up since early morning to tend to my plants. Since my balcony doesn’t have enough space for all my plants, I asked the dorm manager if I could use the rooftop, seeing there was still some empty space. Because of the kind-hearted dorm manager, she allowed it.

   I glanced at the array of flower pots lined up in front of me, like a small garden just for me.

   One decision I made after meeting Aunt Prae and talking with

Daotok was…I won’t hide information about myself anymore if Phii Fah wants to know. As I’ve said before, Phii Fah did ask a few questions, but I didn’t answer. But now, I’m confident that if one day the truth must be revealed, I will accept it myself.

   But I won’t rush it by telling the truth; it would definitely not be good for my father. I still love and respect him. I will let everything unfold naturally.

   Regarding my decision to switch to studying photography, I’ve already decided and applied for the exam. From now on, I’ll need to go back and review high school material to prepare for the exam. But finals are coming up at my current faculty as well, so I’ll probably focus more on preparing for the transfer exam rather than finals. Trying to study for both would surely be disastrous. There are only a few months left before the transfer exam.

It made me remember what Phii Fah once told me, that I should study what I love, and how Phii Fah said he wanted me to believe in myself, those words still echo like and echo in my head.

   Phii Fah is another person…who has made me brave enough to do something for what I love.

   I talked with Aunt Prae; she’s still working, and becoming a single mother has thrown her off a bit. Aunt Prae said she didn’t come from wealth, just an ordinary office worker.

   I started thinking about what I should do for my little sister. At least, I want her to go to a good school, meet good friends, and experience a good environment. But Aunt Prae probably can’t handle all the expenses by herself.

   I need to work…I guess I should seriously think about taking on photography jobs.

   Or should I play the lottery with North?

   No, Phoon. No, don’t let North control you.

   I feel more foolish every day since I’ve been hanging out with North, damn it.

   I took out my Polaroid camera, thinking about what to photograph for Phii Fah today. It’s become something where I at least have to send him one photo a day. Before, it was just pictures of snacks, but now, I’m taking all sorts of pictures. I don’t even know if Phii Fah likes them; he never mentions my photos.

Suddenly, a bird landed on the roof’s floor. I slowly crouched down to take a picture of it. It flew away in a flash because Polaroids can’t capture fast-moving subjects like digital cameras can, so the picture came out a bit blurry, but at least I managed to take it before the bird took off.    …

To…you, 

   This bird just landed, looking hurried. It probably hasn’t had breakfast yet, but it can’t compete with you since you’ve already had yours!

   -. I’m not sure if you like the photos I take for you. If you don’t, you can tell me, haha.

   -. I’ve just made an important decision in my life. Although I can’t say what it is, thinking of you gives me more courage, so I want to thank you.    Thank you: )

   I couldn’t help but smile to myself when thinking about the letter I just sent. Phii Fah probably couldn’t guess what it’s about. There are so many important things in life, but thinking about him gave me more courage as I mentioned. So, I wanted to thank him.

“Phoon, do you know?”

“Know what?”

“The chocolate Phii Fah sent you, it’s 17, 000 baht!”

“Huh? Really?” I looked shocked, almost not believing what Ter was saying, “Seventeen thousand!?”

“Yeah, look at this,” Ter said, showing me his phone screen, which displayed a picture of the same chocolate box Phii Fah gave me, with the price underneath written as five hundred fifty dollars.

…Oh, no.

   Where am I supposed to find that much money to buy it back? T^T    “I thought you knew already,” North said, “He gave you the chocolate ages ago, I was surprised you didn’t react.”

“How was I supposed to know?”

Seventeen thousand, really! Why would he buy something so expensive for me, and why was it so delicious, T^T

   “Do you know, there’s something called Google in this world?” Ter asked, looking annoyed at me, “Didn’t you think to search for it?”    “How would he know about Google, Ter?” North chimed in, “He’s still writing letters these days. Now there’s LINE, you know.”

“…”

I gave North an annoyed look; you’re really good at teasing.    “Here, this is the LINE app, Phoon, you can send messages super fast. You don’t have to wait from morning till evening to chat, you can send photos too. No need for Polaroids, you can call or video call, see each other’s faces, look, your phone has a camera, you can open it and talk,” North said, showing me the LINE app.

“I know!” I said, lowering my voice, which made North laugh out loud, “You talk like I’ve never used LINE before.”

“Alright, I thought you didn’t know, oh well, seeing you send letters. Why don’t you try carrier pigeons? That would let you chat more often, have the pigeon deliver it, and you can sit by the window waiting for the mail from the pigeon.”

“North!!” I shook him in frustration, why is this bastard so annoying?

“Why so violent, huh? There are laws in this country, you know,” North said with a frown, looking annoyed, “Do you see me as your emotional punching bag? I have two younger brothers to take care of,” North said in a whining voice because I was shaking him playfully.

“Yeah, speaking of siblings. You, Ter, and Dao, look at this.”    “What do you mean by ‘you, Ter, and Dao’?” North raised an eyebrow.

“You guys,” I pointed at Ter and North, “and here’s Dao,” I pointed at Dao. North immediately pretended to glare at me while pointing back at me.

“You’re so discriminatory,” North said, “Why don’t you include the

‘ghost under the bed’ with us?”

“We’re different groups.”

“Why? What’s that supposed to mean?” North stood up and reached over to ruffle Dao’s hair, who got startled and jumped, “See, see, see,

I’m going to hurt your Dao, haha.”

“It’s like you’re a troubled kid, so when you get scolded, you bully another kid,” I said, laughing a bit. Daotok frowned but let North continue to ruffle his hair. When North stopped, Dao slowly smoothed his hair to keep it from standing up.

“Yeah, here’s my sister,” I showed them a picture of Fai. I had already told everyone about her, but I hadn’t shown them her picture yet, “Isn’t she cute?”

“She’s good, but my nephew is cuter,” North said, showing a picture of Non, he’s just as proud as I am, “Pure and innocent, kids are truly like blank canvases.”

“What’s your sister’s name?” Ter asked.

“Fai.”

“Oh, she’s a pure Fai,” North said, “One hundred percent cotton.”    I couldn’t help but laugh at North’s words, yeah, one hundred percent cotton indeed.

   “But why ‘Fai’? It matches with you and your sister’s names.”    “Her mom’s name is ‘Prae’, so her daughter is named ‘Fai’,” I answered, “But when I think about having a little sister, it makes me uneasy, what if someone tries to flirt with her?”

“Take it easy, your sister can’t even walk yet,” North said, making a face of disgust at me.

“You need to plan ahead for these things. If Fai gets flirted with since kindergarten, I won’t allow it, hahaha. What will I do if Fai gets deceived by someone? Fai, this brother, this brother will protect you!” “Sigh, my friend has turned into a slave for Little Fai.”    I hurried to the coffee shop when I saw that it was about the time when there weren’t many people around. Phii Gib smiled at me kindly as always and handed me a large white paper bag.

   Why is the bag so big…

   I thanked her and took it, then rushed back to the dorm to open it.    Inside was a white winter jacket, neatly packed in the bag. I didn’t know what brand it was, but it looked very expensive.

   Did Phii Fah buy me a winter jacket…

   I placed the folded jacket on the bed, looking for other things in the bag; there were lots of snacks in another bag, and there were two pieces of paper. The first one said…

I don’t know what good news you have, but congratulations.

   Consider this jacket as a gift for that good news.

   I smiled even broader when I read the message on the paper. I had only told Phii Fah about it yesterday, which means Phii Fah would have received the message in the morning, so he must have bought this jacket just now.

And the second piece of paper said…

Don’t worry that I won’t like the photos.

   I treasure every photo you take.

   Because your photos are like a gift to me every morning: )

    SOUTHBESIDETHESKY CHAPTERS HOME

   SOUTHBESIDETHESKY, Chapter 17: Hot, Coffee, and Peach Tea

   “What’s up with that?”

“Chocolate for 17,000 baht.”

“Seriously, is that really that strange? What’s so unusual about chocolate worth 17,000 baht?”

…

This is something I didn’t really want to happen, but it had to happen…I knew they would find out, and most importantly, the one waiting to tease me the most is Johan.

“Isn’t 17,000 baht for chocolate strange? Does that mean anyone can buy it for you?”

“Come on, if a friend says they don’t like it, they don’t like it. Why are you pushing Fah about this? I already said I don’t like him, and the

17,000 baht for chocolate from France is just a gesture of goodwill,” Jo said teasingly, his eyes twinkling with mischief.

Johan, when you…I hardly ever see you tease anyone like this.

I let out a small sigh in secret.    “Such an overflow of goodwill, Fah.”    Hill…you’re just as bad.

“Sigh, is it too much for chocolate?” I asked, furrowing my brows. I’ve never courted anyone before. When I asked Tit to buy it, he didn’t say anything.

“It’s not. It’s normal,” Jo shrugged, “If you like him.”

“Oh.”

“Seriously Fah, what’s up with you?”

“I like him, so what?”

“That simple, huh?”

“Yeah, why?”

“How much do you like him?”

“I like him. I don’t know. Don’t know how to measure how much I like him,” I said quietly while my gaze didn’t leave the pile of work in front of me. In the end, I had to help Tit with his work because I’m soft-hearted; if I didn’t help, he’d surely end up studying with the juniors.

“When asked how much you like him, the answer is 17,000,” Hill said with a slight raise of his eyebrow, “If it was Jo, I wouldn’t be surprised, but since it’s you, I am.”

“I just wanted to buy it for him. It’s nothing.”

“You like him that much, Fah?”

“How much?”

I asked back. They fell silent. I looked up to see all three of them looking at me with slightly bewildered eyes.

“Where did you get seventeen thousand from?” Hill asked.

“Savings, I don’t really spend on anything anyway.”

“Do you regret it when you buy it?”

“No.”

“Do you normally buy chocolate this expensive?”

“No,” I shook my head before going quiet, “Ah…even if I say I like him enough to give something I’ve never had myself…that’s right, isn’t it?”

“Yeah…something like that.”

“Well, if he gets to eat something good, that’s good, isn’t it? Plus, he seems to like it.”

“You like him that much, Fah,” Jo said, “Enough to prioritize him over yourself.”

“Have you ever thought about what would happen if that letter disappeared?”

“…”

“What are you asking, Hill? Our friend is already wilting, there is not a letter for him this week,” Jo retorted.

Yes…no letter from that person for one week, when normally they would come every two or three days. I didn’t know what happened, but it had a considerable impact on me, like something was missing. I had secretly thought about what I would do if he suddenly disappeared, but when it actually happened, I didn’t know what to do either.    Everything depended on him…whether he would send me a letter or not, but at least, if I could know something about him, it would be nice.

   “Can someone really like someone they’ve never seen?” Arthit, who had been quiet for a while, raised his eyebrows to ask, “You don’t even know his name.”

“I’ve never thought about that,” I replied, “I don’t care about his looks or his name. As long as he’s the person from the letters, that’s okay.”

“So, you talk and feel like you get along?”

“Hmm…yeah.”

“You don’t even know his name. Aren’t you going to ask?”    I shook my head.

“To be honest, there’s nothing stable between you two,” Jo said while raising his hand to his chin, glancing over at me, “If he decides to disappear, he could do it easily, right?”

“…”

Jo’s right about that…

   “You say he’s cute, do you think you’re the only one who sees his cuteness?”

Jo’s words made me stop writing immediately.

   “If his handwriting is that cute, imagine how many people would be all over him in person.”

“…”

“If one day he realizes that someone close to him is more tangible than someone through letters, he’ll disappear from you, and you won’t have any right to go after him.”

“I don’t know how much he likes you because I don’t know him, but you, Fah, you like him this much, are you just going to let things stay like this between you two?”

Johan is trying to mess with my head.    And…he’s succeeding.

   “Tonfah, someone’s here to see you.”

The call from a girl in the class made me turn to look, so I quickly got up and went outside the room. As soon as I stood up, my friends at the table looked at each other.

I must have looked very flustered.

Whatever.

I paused slightly when I saw who was standing outside, and a sense of disappointment arose without me realizing it.

“Someone asked me to give this to you.”

“…”

“Phii Fah?”

“Uh…yes. Who sent it?”

“He didn’t say, he just asked me to tell you to enjoy it.”

“Oh…I can’t, please apologize to him for me.”

“Ah, come on…just take it, my friend really likes you, you know.”

“I really can’t accept it, sorry.”

“…Okay.”

I averted my gaze and walked back into the room, not quite used to seeing the disappointed looks of others, the best choice was not to look, before returning to sit in the room as before.

“Wasn’t it him?” Jo asked.

I shook my head.

“You look so disappointed,” the other teased again, “It’s been a week since there’s nothing sent. What now?”    I shook my head again.

“Normally, you accept things others send you, why not this time?

I’m getting hungrier,” Arthit said, making a sour face.

“I think it’s not right to accept,” I said.

“You’re just waiting for snacks from one person,” Hill teased. “What if he’s changed his mind about you?” Arthit asked.

I didn’t answer.

   I don’t know why…but my feeling tells me it wouldn’t be like that.

   Just like I wouldn’t be like that either.

   “Something urgent might have come up,” Hill suggested in a calm voice, “Maybe he’s sick.”

…

Typhoon

   “How are you feeling now?”

“I’m feeling better.”

“Good, take lots of rest. We brought some fruit for you.”

“Thanks.”

We talked for a while before excusing ourselves to go outside. Me, North, Ter, Dao, and Foam walked out of the patient’s room together, chatting along the corridor.

   “Bobby, dude, why did you get hit by a car right before exams?” North said, looking worried. The person lying in the hospital room we just visited was Bobby.

   Bobby is a friend of a friend of North, and importantly, Bobby is one of the cupids who deliver things to Phii Fah. Bobby had an accident and has been in the hospital for several days now, and the doctors only allowed visitors today. I rushed over when I heard the news because, in one way or another, he’s someone I’ve inconvenienced.

   Bobby isn’t the one who directly delivers things to Phii Fah, but he’s one of the people in the chain of delivery. North has set up a very complex delivery system.

   “The cupid’s got a limp, what do we do now?” North said with frustration, “We can’t have Arthit delivering letters to Phii Fah.”

“Yeah, that’s true…”

“Do we have to wait for Bobby to recover?” asked Ter, “Man, that’s going to take months.”

“Exactly.”

“We need to change the plan,” Daotok said, “Otherwise, our points will go down.”

“Hmm?”

“This is our rising period, and Phii Fah seems to really like the cat now. If it suddenly disappears, our score will definitely drop.”    “Right, you’re correct,” North agreed, “But I can’t just find another cupid either. Do you understand the delivery process? It’s like a chain.

Now the chain is broken.”

“So what’s the latest we talked about?” Ter turned to ask.    “There’s nothing special,” I said honestly, “But with finals coming up, I’ve stockpiled a lot of snacks. Haven’t given any yet.”    “I wonder how Phii Fah would feel about this, it’s kind of a test of patience,” Foam said, “If Phii Fah gets anxious, that’s a good sign, right?”

“I don’t want to test him,” I said, frowning slightly, “Even if he doesn’t miss me, I feel uncomfortable not taking care of him, especially with the exams coming up.”

“That’s good,” North said calmly, sipping his blended green tea,

“Don’t test him then, let’s brainstorm what to do next instead.”

“Hmm…Is Tonfah a curious person?” Suddenly, Daotok asked. We all shook our heads, “Then we can place it somewhere and take turns picking it up.”    “Oh…but where?”

“Somewhere where no one will see.”

“Where would that be?” North said, “People are everywhere, and if it’s on the building, the janitors will take it.”

“But if it works, it’s good, right? Like, the cat puts it down in the morning, and Tonfah picks it up in the evening.”

“And what if they accidentally meet? Isn’t it too risky?” Foam raised his eyebrows.

“No, Tonfah isn’t the curious type, right? If we agree that he has to go at this specific time, he won’t peek. Besides, if he really wanted to know who it is, he would have known long ago because he respects the person in the letters.”

I nodded slightly in agreement. I had thought about it many times; if Phii Fah really wanted to know who the letter writer was, it wouldn’t be hard, but Phii Fah chooses not to investigate because he thinks of others first. If someone says they don’t want to be known, Phii Fah won’t pursue it.

   “It should be okay, but won’t it be too much trouble for Phii Fah to go pick it up?”

“Are you that considerate of him?” Foam raised his eyebrows to ask.

“Well, yeah.”

“Let’s pick somewhere close,” Dao said, going quiet as he seemed to be thinking, “Is there any place around the medical faculty where you can put something without anyone seeing?”    We went quiet…how could there be such a place?

“Uh…what if it’s the coffee shop in the medical building?”

“North, what are you talking about, how could that work?”

“I know the owner, we can ask him to join our plan.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. If not, do you have any other ideas?” North’s question made Ter go silent, “The shop owner is nice, she’ll definitely help us. Plus, your stuff will be safe; if you leave it somewhere else, someone might take it.”

“Hmm…it might be good,” I said, still not entirely convinced,

“Otherwise, I can’t think of anything else.”

Since we can’t entrust the delivery to someone anymore, this might be the only way. Leaving it somewhere else would be risky; it could get lost or seen by others, and the janitors clean the medical building thoroughly every day.

We went to the coffee shop in the medical faculty building that North told us about. At first, I was surprised to see a coffee shop in the building, but it seems like it’s doing quite well.

“North, with this many people coming into the shop, will it be okay?”

“That’s why it’s good; with lots of people coming and going, no one will be suspicious. You can just casually buy coffee or chat with the shop owner.”

North introduced us to the shop owner. Her name is Phii Gib, and she’s as nice as North described, and she’s quite close to North. When North started explaining our plan to Phii Gib, she widened her eyes in surprise.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes,” I said with a dry smile.

“Wow, not ordinary at all, are we? You’re Typhoon, right?” Phii Gib reached out and pinched my cheek playfully. I’m not used to getting my cheeks pinched, so I felt a bit stiff, “You really look like a sleepy cat.”    “Uh…”

“So, you want me to keep your stuff, and wait for Dr. Fah to come and get it, and if Dr. Fah leaves something, I should keep it until you come to pick it up?”

“Yes…would that be too much trouble?”

“Not at all, actually, it’s exciting. I’ll get to play matchmaker, and besides, it’s Dr. Fah we’re talking about. I’ll get to see him more often this way.”

“She’s a fan of Phii Fah,” North whispered.

“I’m a fan of all handsome guys,” Phii Gib said, giving North a light pinch on the cheek, “So, what’s the story? Tell me, do you like each other? And why the letters?”

“It’s complicated,” I said with a dry smile. Phii Gib pouted slightly but didn’t ask any further questions.

“Oh, okay. No need to ask, just know that I’ll help. Wow, I’m kind of jealous, Nong Ter is dating Doctor Hill, Nong North is with Doctor

Jo, and now the cat Phoon might be Doctor Fah’s boyfriend too.”    My heart skipped several beats at those words from the person in front of me.

…Boyfriend?

   Boyfriend!?

   “And what about Doctor Arthit’s boyfriend?”

“…?”

“I think it must be fate, so the next one must be Doctor Arthit’s boyfriend,” Phii Gib said playfully, pointing back and forth between Daotok and Foam.

Foam furrowed his brows, looking surprised, but Daotok kept a blank face, seemingly uninterested in Phii Gib’s teasing.

“I think it’s better if Fah comes in the morning, since Fah studies around here, right? He’ll come early so fewer people will see, but actually, Fah often stops by to buy coffee from my shop in the morning, and then Phoon can come in the evening, sit around, support my shop a bit, it’ll look natural. Really, no one would suspect. Who would bother noticing something like this?”

“It’s true. Who would suspect? It’s like you come here every day, and there are lots of people from other faculties too, just say that Phii

Gib’s coffee is so good you have to come every day.”

“Say what? It’s actually very delicious,” Phii Gib retorted, making me laugh, “So, have you agreed with Fah already?”

Oh, right. We’ve made all these plans, but we haven’t talked to Phii Fah yet, and we don’t even know if he’ll agree.

“It’s like we’re starting over from one,” Daotok said, putting down his hot coffee. We were still at Phii Gib’s coffee shop, sitting down again to discuss what to do.

“Sigh, it’s so complicated,” North said with annoyance, “The point is how we’re going to tell Phii Fah that we’re changing how we send the letters, right?”

“Hmm. Just tell him once, the first time.”

“Can’t we leave a message?” I asked, “Phii Gib said Phii Fah stops by for coffee often.”

“Oh…yeah,” North squinted at me and gave an annoying smirk, “You write the letter and leave it here, in case Phii Fah comes tomorrow.”

“We’ll have to leave it to fate whether Phii Fah comes or not,” Ter said casually, “Make sure you coordinate well with Phii Gib, okay?”    “Hmm…just a bit,” I accidentally exhaled after sipping some sweet drink.

“Are you not feeling well?”

“My throat hurts a little.”

…

Tonfah

   To…you

   I apologize for not contacting you for so long; the person who was supposed to deliver things isn’t available anymore. So, I’ve asked Phii Gib for help. I hope it’s not too much trouble for you to come to the shop every morning for your things. If it’s not convenient, that’s okay, but I still want to keep talking to you like before.    It’s almost exam time, so please take care of your health, the weather has changed a bit. I haven’t been feeling too well myself.    I’ve ordered you a hot coffee too (because Phii Gib said you come in the morning), the morning should be perfect for hot coffee, but please don’t order more, one cup is enough.

   

   “Did he leave anything else besides this?”

“No, just the hot coffee he asked for, here,” Phii Gib said, handing me the cup of hot coffee. I gave a small smile as I took it.

I folded that piece of paper and put it in my pocket.

   Why do I feel this warmth in my heart right now?

   Oh…right.

   Because of him.

   Because he’s back.

   🙂

   “Doctor.”

“Yes?”

“Do you want to find out who he is?”    “No,” I said, shaking my head.

“Hmm, good, then I won’t feel awkward. If you get curious and start pressing me for information, I’d be in big trouble,” Phii Gib said cheerfully, “But I can give you a little hint.”

“What is it?”

“He’s a very nice person.”

“Oh…”

“Why are you smiling like that?”

“I already knew that.”

“If you want to meet him, just wait for him in the evening,” Johan said while still staring at the white paper in front of him.

“No, thanks.”

“Why don’t you want to know that much?”

“He doesn’t want me to know, so what’s the big deal?” I said, “Shouldn’t I think about his comfort first? If he finds out I’m trying to find out who he is, he’ll definitely feel uncomfortable.”

“You could at least ask a little about him, so you’re not completely clueless.”

“I’ve asked,” I said. I had subtly asked him a bit about himself because I wanted to know more about him, but he didn’t respond, completely ignoring my question, making it clear that he didn’t want me to know any details about him.

“And he didn’t answer?”

“Uh-huh, it’s fine, I’m okay with it like this.”

“Well, it’s up to you then. And what’s that? Buying stuff to fill up the place?”    “No.”

“Then what?”

“He’s sick.”

“Oh, he’ll recover until the next life for sure.”

…

Typhoon

   “Uh…” I looked blankly at the white bag with the pharmacy logo on it. After I sent the first letter (through the coffee shop), I was still waiting to see if Phii Fah would reply, and in the end, he did reply and even sent something back.

Great…we’ll be able to talk like before.

“Are you sick?” Phii Gib asked after seeing me with a mask on.

“A little.”

“Take care of your health then.”

“…Oh, thank you,” I reached out to take the white bag in front of me, chatted with Phii Gib for a bit, and then took the bag back to my dorm. The bag was quite heavy.

When I opened it, I found it was full of medicine…all medicine, along with a folded piece of paper.

To…the sick one

   I wasn’t sure what your symptoms are, so I bought medicine for every possible condition. Take care of your health, please:)    I took out all the medicine to look at it. There was a handwritten note from Phii Fah, detailing which medicine to use for which case, very detailed, explaining how to observe your symptoms so you wouldn’t take the wrong medicine.

I think many times when I’ve been sick, I might have taken the wrong medicine, but not this time for sure.

It’s like having a clinic right at my fingertips, as long as the medicine doesn’t expire. I’ll be taking the medicine from this bag for a while, definitely.

He even wrote a note at the end:

(Don’t worry. I asked my aunt, who is a pharmacist, for advice on what medicine to buy and asked about the specifics of use.)

   If your condition doesn’t improve within one day, I recommend seeing a doctor, and if there’s an emergency, you can call me.    Phii Fah went to get advice from his aunt too? Honestly, I don’t question why Phii Fah bought medicine for me, but knowing this made me think he’s even more adorable.

   Plus,

   He left his number…

   So cute…

   Really cute.

   If it weren’t for the fact that it’s medicine…I would have eaten it all!

   “Are you better now?” Ter asked, “That was fast.”

“I’m better, the medicine is good.”

“What medicine?”

“I won’t tell.”

“Right.”

“Ter, if someone gives you their number, what does that mean?”

“I don’t know, they probably want you to call them.”

“Really?”

“Why the big smile, did Phii Fah give you his number?”    “Yeah,” I nodded slightly.

“Really? Through the letter?”

“Yeah, I said I wasn’t feeling well, and Phii Fah gave me his number, in case of an emergency, I could call.”

“He’s good at taking care of people.”

“…”

“Phoon, are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” I said with a muffled voice in my throat. I couldn’t tell North about this, or he’d tease me mercilessly. I buried my face in the bag on the table.

“He probably wants to take care of you through the letters too,” said the person next to me. I turned to look at him while still with my face buried in the bag, “He gave you his number because he trusts that no matter what, he could find you.”

“I don’t know who you are, where you are, but if you need me, I’ll come.”

To… you

   I’m better now, thank you very much, really. Thank you for paying attention to the details too, there’s plenty of medicine left. I’ll keep it in case I get sick again. I hope you’re not tired of sandwiches because this time, it’s a sandwich I made myself. I tried it and thought it was edible.

   I hope it makes for a good breakfast.

   “He changed it to come in the morning today,” Phii Gib said. I turned my attention to the speaker, “Maybe he’s worried the sandwich might get hard, so he didn’t dare leave it overnight.”

“How early in the morning?”

“Since I opened the shop, around 7 a.m., I think.”

Then I’d have to wake up even earlier to make the sandwich…

“Then please leave this with him,” I said, handing the bag in my hand to the coffee shop owner along with some money, “And treat him to something he likes too, please.”

“Sure thing.”

“What do you like?”

“Me? Probably peach tea.”

“Okay.”

“Why?”

“Dr. Fah asked me to make you a drink you like.”

“Oh,” I waited at the counter until the glass of peach tea was served.    “Doesn’t the doctor know what you like?” Phii Gib asked. I shook my head in response, “That’s a pity, isn’t it? When you know everything Dr. Fah likes, but Dr. Fah doesn’t know anything about you.”

“Well, I’ve never told him,” because I’ve hardly ever mentioned in the letters what I like or dislike.

“That’s why I say it’s a pity. It seems like Dr. Fah wants to get to know you.”    “Really?”

“I don’t know why you don’t want Dr. Fah to know it’s you…but in a relationship where one knows everything and the other knows nothing, the one who knows nothing is kind of pitiful. They have to trust a lot, you know.”

“…”

“You know, but he doesn’t. Even though he likes you that much, how must he feel not knowing anything about you?”

“…Yes.”

“Sorry, I was just talking. If I’ve overstepped, I apologize.”    “No, not at all,” I smiled and shook my head slightly before walking back to the dorm.

It’s true what Phii Gib said, if it were me…I like someone but know nothing about him. I would feel quite lost, not knowing when he might disappear. I’m confident I wouldn’t disappear, but Phii Fah…Phii Fah knows nothing.

   Phii Fah once asked me a little about myself…but I didn’t answer, after that, he never asked again.

   But thinking like this makes my heart swell.

   I talk as if Phii Fah already likes me…

   But I can think that way, right? Since our relationship has become like this.

   I’ve been troubled for a long time, what Phii Gib said is right…    Phii Fah knows nothing about the person in the letters, that person could disappear anytime, there’s no information, Phii Fah has no way to contact him unless that person contacts first, would it be an unstable relationship for Phii Fah?

   Suddenly, my phone rang, startling me as I was deep in thought. I quickly grabbed my phone to check and saw it was an unknown number calling.

I answered hesitantly.

“Hello?”

(…Is this Typhoon?)

   “Yes…who is this?”

(Are you Rati’s son…right?)    “…Uh, that is…”

(I’m Rati’s new wife…Are you free to talk? I’d like to meet you.)

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