SMNTCERR, Chapter 82: Black #2. 

   “Who gave you this?”

   Jaeyoung used his fingertip to press on the traces left by others, then he held Sangwoo’s chin and turned left and right to find other clues. Sangwoo stared at Jaeyoung motionlessly.

   “What did that person do?”

   He felt a sense of disgust since he first saw Jaeyoung. Jaeyoung guessed that if it weren’t for the affair with the girl, Sangwoo wouldn’t have any conflict with passerby. Sangwoo remained silent.

   “What did you two do?”

   The tone that came out of his mouth sounded harsh and not like his own voice.

   “Answer.”

   “Kiss.”

   A black flame shone in front of them. Jaeyoung swallowed hard, with his lips tightly pressed together. When Sangwoo’s neck was grabbed, the once tightlipped mouth opened and let out a moan, and there was a taste of cigarettes inside. Not the brand he smoked, but a different brand. Jaeyoung tightened his grip on Sangwoo’s neck, forcefully moving his tongue and lips.

   Sangwoo groaned and pushed him away, but Jaeyoung paid no attention to the other party. He tightly gripped the arms of the person in front of him to prevent any interference. Then, he forcefully moved his tongue all over the deepest part of his mouth, as if he wanted to engrave his own symbol in the deepest spot. But the more he did that, the worse he felt.

   “I hate you, hyung.”

   As soon as he pulled his lips away, Sangwoo mumbled those words, but Jaeyoung ignored him. He redirected his gaze from Sangwoo’s lips down to his chin, passing through the remaining red marks on his neck, towards the fly hovering above the collar of his V-neck t-shirt and his throat.

   He regretted buying this kind of clothes for Sangwoo, just thinking that others might have seen Sangwoo’s body and flawless skin, made him feel like he was going crazy. The possibility that some people might have touched Sangwoo, might have kissed him, sometimes even to the point where something might have happened that made his blood run icy. While investigating every corner to see where there might be more marks left. Jaeyoung discovered that the button of Sangwoo’s jeans was unbuttoned.

   “Hyung…”

   Jaeyoung closed his mouth without saying anything. There was no way for him to say how could you do this to me, how did you manage to hurt me like this, because they weren’t anything, from those small cracks that had been overlooked, it had escalated and led to the destruction of their relationship with Chu Sangwoo at this moment.

   ‘What should I do to not lose you?’

   He, who used to be carefree and full of life, was no longer there. Jaeyoung was only a wounded man who felt like tears were about to flow. Sangwoo forcefully pushed Jaeyoung.

   While he wasn’t paying attention, the door swung open. Sangwoo hurriedly ran out and stopped a passing car. Jaeyoung felt his anger rise again, he got out of the car and briskly walked towards the other side. He didn’t need to run because the person who had just gotten into the liquor barrel couldn’t walk normally anyway.

   Sangwoo stepped back and stumbled, but Jaeyoung managed to grab his waist before he fell. He held on tightly to his struggling body, to prevent the other party from pushing him away. Then he looked at the pale face with a hateful gaze, as if wanting to kill him.

   “What did you do with that bastard?”

   He asked the terrifying question with a trembling voice. If he found a replacement for Sangwoo, Jaeyoung would have won. What would happen between them then? The time they spent together? The heart that Jaeyoung poured in? Would he finally find the feeling called “love”?

   “Let go!”

   Sangwoo tried to resist, but because he was drunk, he had less strength than usual. Besides, there was only so much he could do, because the other party’s body was trembling so much. But Jaeyoung knew that he was more afraid than Sangwoo, he just used his strength to force the other party for a while. It was like the final piece of the puzzle that would probably fade away tomorrow. While Jaeyoung had nothing in his hands at the moment. Sangwoo held his heart, facing the other party in such a desperate situation was too difficult.

   Jaeyoung became more fierce to hide the imbalance from Sangwoo.

   “Answer the question.”

   He took a long breath and looked into Sangwoo’s hazy eyes. He didn’t know what was going on in his mind, he used to think that the other party’s way of thinking was as simple as a robot, but now Sangwoo was the most complex and terrifying person in the world for Jaeyoung.

   While he thought that the other party seemed calmer and strange. Sangwoo just laughed.

   “Why? Are you afraid that I slept with him?”

   Jaeyoung took a deep breath and looked into Sangwoo’s indigo eyes, unable to know what he was thinking at the moment, hiding his drunkenness behind his determined gaze.

   “If I do that, what will you do? Will you rape me?”

   Kisses are just kisses, sex is just sex, equations that the other party seems so simple. But it’s not that simple. If the face he saw was only one person, the body language that only allowed him, and the voice he heard was violated by others, it couldn’t be solved with such thinking.

   “Then why don’t you answer! Do I have to slap you to get your attention?” Jaeyoung looked at the person in front of him again, unable to tolerate it. He couldn’t think of why he raised his voice and forgot himself because of this emotion. ‘Line’ had already blurred away, so he couldn’t see if he had crossed that line or not.

   “That can be considered as intimidation.”  Sangwoo smirked and glanced sideways.

   “If you report it, it’s over, but that alone is not scary.”

   Before Jaeyoung could say anything, the other party stared at him and spoke.

   “Why are you doing this to me? Treating me like a criminal, disappointing me. What did I do wrong that you have to torment me?”

   In the end, it all ended with “I’m not wrong.” Just like before. Jaeyoung was tired of everything Sangwoo tried to solve with logic, even when he was drunk.

   “You hurt me. You torment me. How can you abandon me?”

   “You animal, who do you think you’re talking to like that!”

   Sangwoo smirked, his eyes glaring at Jaeyoung, filled with hostility.

   Jaeyoung looked back at those unfamiliar eyes and opened his mouth.

   “Damn. What do you mean, you went…?”

   “Shut up if you don’t know anything. It’s nothing, damn it!”

   While Jaeyoung was about to say something, Sangwoo forcefully pushed his shoulder. This time, he stumbled back from the force, and as he took two or three steps back, he looked forward again and found that Sangwoo, who he didn’t know had moved away, was glaring at him.

   “Just tried it, but it won’t work, what should I do?”

   “Huh?”

   “You animal.”

   “…”

   “You uncontrollable person! You cancerous human!”

   Sangwoo raised his eyes and shouted with strong words. This was the first time he saw the other party like this. Jaeyoung felt the intense heat of the scorching anger filling the empty space that hadn’t had a chance to dissipate yet. Sangwoo, who scolded every word that the other party knew, said, “But the ending is a little bad.” The other party seemed to lose consciousness.

   Meanwhile, there were a few cars passing by on the highway at high speed. Jaeyoung reached out his hand, afraid that the other party would run out onto the road, but Sangwoo stepped back to avoid that hand.

   “You are fucking flirt.”

   “… What?”

   “You are about to study abroad and have the chance to be with different people, to fully experience everything. Yet, you think I have turned into such a heartless person after just one kiss.”

   “Do you really think saying that makes it any better?”

   “Why wouldn’t it make it better? I’ve already told you that I will find a way to get over it.”

   Sangwoo’s anger overcame him. Although he was the one involved with other men, he accused Jaeyoung of being unfaithful. Their eyes were filled with the hatred they had never shown each other before.

   “Once you’re gone, what should I do?”

   “…”

   “My life is ruined because of you. How are you going to make it up to me, you bastard!”

   “Stay quiet. I’m not in the mood to listen to your nonsense anymore.”

   Jaeyoung replied rudely but then involuntarily relaxed his grip, unaware of his actions. Although he knew Sangwoo’s behavior was as irritating as a serial number, his anger gradually dissipated.

   “Annoying… it’s really boring.”

   Sangwoo forcefully ran his fingers through his hair, his blinking eyes filled with pain and exhaustion.

   “I’m completely broken. You.”

   Sangwoo bit his lip, forcefully clenched his teeth, and then the whole area fell silent except for the sound of heavy breathing. The other party slumped down onto the floor, leaning against the wall, staring up at the pitch-black sky before finally lowering his head to mutter softly.

   “I have to find someone who is exactly like you. Is there anyone else out there?”

   “…”

   “Just like how I can pursue with that person, they would probably already have a partner themselves.”

   Jaeyoung took a deep breath, suddenly the anger and frustration that had been building up inside him became unbearable. Even though it transformed into sadness and hatred, it still remained a part of his passionate heart, the intense emotions that returned to the main storyline made Jaeyoung restless.  He stumbled and walked unsteadily towards Sangwoo as if he was drunk, even though he hadn’t had a single drop of alcohol before collapsing. “I hate you.”  As he made a move to hug him, Sangwoo forcefully pushed him away. Jaeyoung grabbed his ankle and tried to calm him down, but Sangwoo resisted even more and slipped away from his grasp.

   “I said I hate you. I hate you, hyung”

   Jaeyoung took a deep breath and moved away from the other person, feeling a throbbing headache.

   ‘Is being in a relationship this difficult?’ 

   He sighed a few times before leaving Sangwoo there and stood up, walking back towards the driver’s seat. While his gaze remained fixed on Sangwoo, he leaned against the seat and smoked a couple of cigarettes.

   When he looked back, Sangwoo always gave him a chance, making it impossible for him to give up. When he couldn’t breathe and felt like stopping in the middle of the road, he would take a sip of water. When he was exhausted and almost collapsed on the ground, he would drink another sip of water. That’s when Jaeyoung arrived at this point without feeling tired, the tactics that the other person unintentionally used had worked too well. At this moment, after drinking another sip of water, Jaeyoung forgot the confusion that had passed.

   He couldn’t satisfy the other person who made him lose his sanity and reason. Jaeyoung liked being the one in control and the leader in the relationship, so he wasn’t used to being manipulated like this. Even though when he was blind with craving and trembling with restlessness, it didn’t seem worthy of attention, but it made him certain in some aspects.

   The young man started the car and slowly drove forward as the distance decreased, he turned on the headlights. Then the image of Sangwoo sitting in the middle of the darkness appeared. Jaeyoung looked at the other person in silence before opening the door on the right side of the driver’s seat.

   “Hey.”

   Sangwoo just sat silently, rubbing his forehead against his knee without saying anything.

   “Get up, I’ll take you home.”

   “…”

   “Stay there and see what happens, you have class tomorrow.”

   Talking about studying has happened, but the other party still hasn’t reacted, seems really angry.  “Chu Sangwoo.”

   Jaeyoung’s voice softened and became gentle without realizing it.

   “Sangwooya.”

   Jaeyoung doesn’t know how to call him with a voice different from this. Even though initially he called with an aggressive tone, he has forgotten that time already.. Sangwoo doesn’t respond. Jaeyoung has to helplessly get out of the car.

   “Are you asleep?”

   Sangwoo is still asleep in that awkward sitting position, no matter how much he shakes his shoulder, he doesn’t move at all. When they met, he was already very drunk.. Time passed quickly and it’s already half past four, will there be any more chaos. The other party must be exhausted.

   “You have made me restless, feel satisfied now.”

   Jaeyoung pondered and sat down beside him, just sitting and looking at the other party quietly without knowing how much time had passed. At the same time, he also felt exhausted, the side of his face when sleeping appeared empty and desolate. At the same time, it was also getting unbearable to watch. Jaeyoung’s heart has been guarded by Sangwoo for a while. So no matter how angry he is. At this moment, he is not angry at the other party.

   Jaeyoung reached his hand towards Sangwoo’s face, using the back of his hand to caress his cheeks slowly, as if it was imitating an event from the past, the day he first entered the other party’s house. Jaeyoung couldn’t control his emotions and pressed against Sangwoo, at that time Sangwoo was also drunk and passed out first.

   He knew that doing this wouldn’t achieve anything, his heart was enduring and burning excessively to the point of being uneasy, never before when he had a boyfriend has he desired the other party to this extent. Therefore, he must not be accustomed and make the mistake as usual.

   Jaeyoung followed Sangwoo’s gaze. Then he slightly leaned towards the other party’s shoulder and pulled it closer, as if to compensate for the unbalanced body and pressed it against himself, he hugged Sangwoo as if they had no problems and sat like that for a while. When he buried his nose in the beautiful neck and lightly tapped the warm back, Jaeyoung felt better.

   “If this isn’t considered dating, then what is it?”

   He whispered softly in the other party’s ear, if he were awake, there would definitely be an argument.

   “You foolish kid, you can’t live without me.”

   Even though there was no response, Jaeyoung was satisfied. Now, the restlessness and anger in his heart had completely disappeared, and his mind, which used to be chaotic and cloudy, became clear without realizing it.

   He thought that there must be many things that would cause a headache, it was too complicated, like a riddle that was difficult to solve, so he pushed the burden onto himself to deal with in the future. However, Jaeyoung himself realized at that moment that if the order of importance was strong, all the obstacles would be ineffective.

   It’s a simple principle, interested? Proceed. Not interested? Stop. He didn’t need to throw away the methods he had used all his life, the obstacle of this relationship remained only one, and Jaeyoung, who had compared, considered, and hesitated in front of the other party many times, was confident that this time he would be able to walk comfortably through the hindrance, slowly and calmly without rushing.

   “Will you be with me or die with me?” [1.]

   Suddenly, he recalled the famous phrase from the popular movie. Yes, he didn’t want to wake Sangwoo to ask him, but Jaeyoung wanted to show a little patience. However, this stubborn child had never refused to do anything successfully.

   It was like saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.” [2] This maxim seemed to have been created solely for Sangwoo, ever since he met this strange child. Jaeyoung was forced to become accustomed to waiting and enduring until the other party was ready, and he couldn’t give up even if he didn’t like it.

   “Sangwoo, let’s go home together.”

   Jaeyoung hugged Sangwoo tightly and stood up like that.

   ________________________________________.

[1]    “Will you be with me or die with me?” is a modification of a famous phrase from the Korean drama, “Sorry, I love you.” It is a scene where the protagonist is driving the female lead to have a meal, but she asks him to stop the car, so he says, “Do you want to have a meal or kiss me? Do you want to have a meal or sleep with me? Do you want to have a meal or be with me? Do you want to have a meal or die with me?!” 

[2]    “You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.”

   / 

   “말을 물가에 데려갈수는 있지밀 물을 마시게 할 수는 없다.” means you

   can  give someone an opportunity but you cannot force them to take advantage of that opportunity, or compared to a Thai idiom, “Don’t force the buffalo to eat grass,” which means not to force others to do what they don’t want to do. 

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