YOURSKY, Chapter 13
I grabbed a navy-blue shirt hanging in the wardrobe and put it on. My pants were still the same ones from earlier. After taking photos, we hung out on the rooftop for another hour. When we returned to the room to get our things, my stubborn one chased me off to shower because he saw the sweat soaking my back. The humid weather that had just started after 7 p.m. made someone like me, who gets hot easily, get nagged at. He insisted I shower before I dropped him off at home.
Even though he denied that anything was wrong, he said he wanted me to feel more comfortable. He was afraid I’d get annoyed if he left me feeling sticky and sweaty. He knew full well that I wouldn’t head back to my condo right away, and he was right. After dropping him off at his place, I’d stop by the restaurant afterward. I hurriedly got dressed, worried that he’d have to wait too long. His face looked visibly tired, and my stubborn self probably just wanted to rest already. I grabbed my phone and wallet from the nightstand and prepared to leave the room. However, a framed photo of him from his freshman initiation ceremony, placed on the shelf beside the bed, brought back memories of that time…
“Yeah, I’ve turned into the university already.”
[Hurry up, Fah, the professor’s already here.]
“Yeah.”
I turned the steering wheel into the parking lot, but an elderly woman forced me to stop the car abruptly. She was walking out from the open area without looking at the traffic. I guessed this grandma had never been here before, judging by the confused look on her face and her disoriented demeanor. I unbuckled my seatbelt, preparing to get out and help her. Even though I barely had any time left for myself, if I didn’t help her, who would?
“Grandma! Where are you headed?”
“I’m going to rest at the canteen, dear. Where is it?”
“It’s over there, Grandma. Let me take you.”
The car door I’d cracked open to step out was pulled shut when the grandma received help from a young boy. Judging by the green polo shirt he was wearing, I could tell he was a junior in my faculty. I watched the small figure supporting the grandma as he guided her away from the area. But before they walked past the front of my car, the junior bowed his head slightly as a gesture of thanks for waiting and letting them pass.
At that moment, I didn’t return the gesture because I knew he couldn’t see me through the dark tint of my windows. And I realized I’d been staring at his cute, paint-covered face. The tip of his upturned nose was dotted with a red circle, both of his white cheeks had three dusty-colored streaks like cat whiskers, and the way his front hair was tied up revealed three small pink hearts in the middle of his forehead.
I didn’t know how to define the person in front of me. At first, seeing the red nose and dusty whiskers, I thought he’d make a perfect kitten. But the three hearts on his forehead made me reconsider. I’d never met a guy with such an adorable face before, and perhaps it was his small frame that made him even more endearing. But all my thoughts came to a halt when a bright smile appeared on his face.
While my thoughts stopped, something inside my body kept moving. It rushed from my brain down to the left side of my chest, and suddenly, it made my heart beat faster. I quickly averted my gaze from the person in front of me as an unusual sensation took over my body. I thought maybe I’d drunk too much alcohol the night before, causing my body to release some kind of chemical.
I didn’t know what that chemical was.
But it made my heart race again…
I drove and parked my car after that junior led the old lady out of the parking lot. Then I glanced at the tattoo under my forearm, which I had gotten just a few weeks before the semester started. The redness around the Chinese characters meaning “love” served as a reminder that not long ago, I was on the verge of losing faith in love. I decided to get the word “love” tattooed to serve as a constant reminder that I once believed in it.
Perhaps it was because of a love that ended that made me not want to fall in love again. I didn’t want to feel bad or like something was missing from my life. This reason made me try to distance myself from love until I started to believe that some people might be able to live without it. And I believed I could live without love too. Even with Jam, whom I once loved deeply, all that remained now was a bond in the form of friendship.
So, I chose to give up… to stop believing that I could love someone again.
Yet, the rapid heartbeat I felt earlier made me question myself once more. Had I truly lost faith in love, or was I just afraid of getting hurt, which led me to convince myself otherwise? Perhaps I had let past experiences weigh down my heart until it became numb, as if I felt nothing. But deep down, my heart was still waiting to welcome someone. And the truth was, I might want someone to come and help me deal with the fear that had accumulated and settled in my heart for so long.
Just someone to come and clear away the sediment of these feelings and help put love back where it belongs…
Two weeks after encountering that junior, I had to admit that I couldn’t stop thinking about his smile. It was an image etched in my mind that I couldn’t shake off. The sound of his voice echoing in my head before bed was still manageable—I could drown it out by playing loud music. But the vivid memory that came when I closed my eyes was something I couldn’t erase, no matter what I tried.
In the end, I stopped resisting and went looking for him. Although he wasn’t wearing a name tag that day, it was fortunate that he was wearing his faculty shirt, which made him easier to find. I just had to sneak around the freshman orientation booth in the evening, and I found him.
That’s when I learned his name was “Theerak.”
… I’m not sure if it was because of the name tag, adorned with tiny hearts drawn by his seniors out of affection, or because of his cute name that made me unintentionally smile the first time I saw it.
“After class, where are you going, Fah? Want to grab some shabu with us?”
“I have to hurry to the restaurant. There are a lot of VIP customers tonight.”
“Oh-ho, working this hard, where do you stash all that money, buddy?”
“Tease him too much, and you’ll get scolded, you jerk Ball.”
“Haha, don’t scold me, Fah. I’m just kidding around.”
“Yeah, I’m heading out. See you tomorrow.”
“Bye.”
After seeing him the first time, the second and third times followed. Now, I don’t even know how many times it’s been, but I still hurriedly walk to the parking lot under the building, sit in my car for a while to make sure the four of them have gone their separate ways. Only Ball has to go to the orientation booth every evening since he’s part of the activities team. Once I’m sure the other three are no longer on campus and Ball has gone to the booth, I get out of the car and take my spot under the earleaf acacia tree across from the orientation area. Though it’s a bit far, I can still see the freshman activities.
Sometimes, I have to step back even further from the tree because Ball has sharp eyes.
At first, I didn’t believe that I was interested in him, and I thought it was unlikely that I could fall in love with Theerak because I had never liked a guy before. I tried to find a reason why his smile made my heart race, but I couldn’t come up with an answer, so I assumed it was because I had never met a guy with such a cute face and a bright smile. Maybe encountering something new and unusual was what caused these feelings, but only for a short time. I thought they would fade away soon.
However, a conflicting feeling arose within me—the realization that I might be lying to myself. If he was just something novel that sparked temporary feelings and would soon disappear, I should be able to live without thinking about him. After that, I stopped everything. I stopped sneaking glances at him at the faculty booth and tried not to think about him. Even though I could manage, the vivid images that flashed through my mind whenever I closed my eyes made me realize I was forcing myself.
For the past week, I’ve still been thinking about him… Thinking about the time he came out to dance to a hip-hop song and laughed with his friends. The time he volunteered to take a sick female friend to the infirmary. The time he sat singing loudly in a row. The time he raised his hands to thank the uncle who cleared the plates in the cafeteria. The time he sat chatting with friends during a break from the seniors. The time he stood waiting for crispy pork basil rice with a fried egg at the food stall. The time he ran up the escalator with a panicked look instead of taking the elevator because he was late. And it was at that moment that I got my answer… It was possible. I had fallen in love with him.
Once I was certain that I had fallen for him, the symptoms of love hit me hard. It made me think about him nonstop. I had to come and secretly watch him every evening, like today. My role as someone who secretly loves him is to watch him from a distance, with a cigarette as my loyal companion and a tamarind tree as my confidant. On days when that guy Ball pinches his cheeks or touches him too much, the tamarind tree has to listen to me curse a little more. But on days when he’s just called out to dance and then sent back to his seat without Ball touching his cheeks, I smoke quietly and feel at ease.
Luckily, my faculty’s hazing isn’t too harsh. Otherwise, my secret crush on him would have been exposed long ago. If someone treated him too harshly, I wouldn’t just stand by and watch. But because everything has stayed within acceptable limits, I’ve been able to secretly watch him without interfering for months. I admit I don’t dare approach him or flirt with him because I’m afraid of being rejected. I can’t forget that we’re both guys, and that makes everything even harder. Matters of the heart are delicate and complicated, too difficult to explain.
I can’t make everyone understand it deeply, but I can only say that I feel… It would be great if our hearts were in sync, but if everything were that simple, I think there wouldn’t be anyone shedding tears in this world. I know full well that this love of mine is a difficult matter. I have to think carefully about everything before taking any action, including keeping this a secret and not telling a single soul, partly to protect him from many things.
Even though I know it’s unlikely to happen, I will try. I’ll try to make him fall in love with me someday. I don’t know how hard it is to make someone fall in love with you, but from my experience of falling for him, it seems easy. With just his smile and his personality, I fell into his trap and can’t find a way out. But even if I did find a way out, I wouldn’t leave him.
Because ever since I fell in love with him, my old world changed. Theerak brought more than just black and white into my world. He made me realize that life is more than just studying and working. He made me look up at the sky during the day, something I never liked doing before. He made me smile more until it started feeling natural. He made me believe in the word “love” again and want to be a better person for this love. He gave me strength on days when I felt so exhausted I could barely go on.
Theerak did all of this… without even realizing it.
And that’s the most precious memory I’ve kept carefully hidden. The image of the first time I met him is still vivid in my mind, and when I think back to those moments when I started falling in love, his gentle voice echoes in my ears as if I’ve returned to that time again.
Now, I don’t need to look at this picture and replay those memories to ease my longing, because the person I miss every day is sitting outside waiting for me. I shake my head lightly at myself, unable to hold back a smile. I must be too happy about being promoted to someone close to him, which is why I can’t stop grinning.
He probably doesn’t know how fast my heart beats when…
When the horizon meets the edge of the sea; When I was promoted to someone close; And even now, it’s still beating fast.
I step out of the room to take him home, but the sight in front of me makes me smile again. The stubborn one, wearing a long-sleeved white shirt and cream slacks, is fast asleep on the sofa. I stop to look at the smaller figure before deciding to step out onto the balcony to call Dom.
The reason I’ll give my friend is that I don’t want to wake him and want to let him sleep a bit longer before taking him home. But the real reason, for someone as greedy and secretly in love as me, is that I want to sit and watch him a little longer. Today, I might be asking for too much, as if no matter how much I get, it’s never enough.
But… yes, I admit it.
When I’m with you, my sea… it’s never enough.
[Where are you at, Fah?]
“I went to shower, and when I came out, he was asleep.”
[Why did you shower? And why is he asleep… Don’t tell me…]
“Stop it, you jerk. I’m not that bad.”
[You scared me, you ass. I thought you got bold once I gave you the green light.]
“…”
[Even though I’ve known for a while that you’ve liked him, as his older brother-in-law to be I’m not letting you pass this stage so easily.]
I laugh at his teasing tone before saying, “I was sweating a lot, so he told me to shower before taking him home. But I guess I took too long, and he fell asleep.”
[Wow, what if he wakes up at midnight? You’re asking for too much,
Fah. You’re hoping for a lot, huh?]
“You see through everything, but you can never keep up with your own wife.”
[Don’t say that… Call it pretending to be dumb to keep her happy.]
“One more hour.”
[…]
“Can I have that?”
[I don’t know, talk to Babe yourself… Oh, you, Fah called to extend the time again.]
I shook my head, wanting to scold my close friend who never dared to make decisions on his own. He always had to ask permission from his girlfriend, Theerak, first. Babe knew everything about my secret crush on him because Dom spilled the secret after being grilled at the barbecue party. That made me feel nervous whenever I talked to Babe, knowing how protective she was of her little brother.
“…”
[What did he say, Muenfah?]
“He’s asleep, and I didn’t want to wake him… Can we let him sleep for another hour?”
[And if we say no?]
“Then I’d have to wake him up and take him back.”
[Honestly, we don’t want him to stay longer.]
“…”
[But we feel for the one secretly in love… One more hour, that’s it.]
“Okay.”
[Promise you won’t sneak a kiss while he’s asleep.]
“Mm.”
[Okay… No more extensions.]
“Yes.”
I hung up the phone and put it in my pants pocket before walking over to sit on the floor in front of him. I smiled, wondering how I could possibly sneak a kiss on this stubborn little one when he looked so adorable while sleeping. Just sitting and gazing at him was enough to make me happy.
But it’s not that I didn’t feel those other urges. I’m just a normal person, after all. When I got to be close to Theerak, I couldn’t deny that I wanted to do more than just talk. I wanted to hug him, smell him, kiss him, and do so many other things. But if I chose to satisfy my own desires without caring about how he felt, if I did that, I’d only be loving myself… not truly loving him.
And because I truly love him, I chose to do everything indirectly. I confessed my love through song lyrics, expressed it through song titles, and kissed him through a Coke can. Even though those actions weren’t direct ways of letting him know, they still made my heart race.
Even now, when I wanted to kiss the tip of his nose, all I could do was gently brush it with my index finger. No matter how much I wanted to kiss his forehead, all I could do was brush away the hair that fell over his face. But none of this felt forced or like I was holding back.
I was willing to do it and stay this way.
I would wait… even if, in the end, I couldn’t do more than this.
But I would stay… standing in the same place forever.
I sat watching him on the sofa for dozens of minutes without getting up to go anywhere. Seeing him with this sofa reminded me of a time that caused me immense suffering. I still hadn’t forgotten the pain from that day because it served as a reminder of how much I had to overcome—various emotions— to love him wholeheartedly up to this day. And even though it was painful, I never thought of erasing it from my memory…
“Hey, Fah, tomorrow we have a pre-exam in the afternoon, dude.”
“Remind yourself first.”
“Yeah, and you too, you jerk Ball, always showing up late.”
“Stop cursing me and go pick up your girlfriend already, damn Dom.”
“Alright, I’m heading out.”
“Why does Fah seem to be in such a good mood today?”
“Then why didn’t you ask him before he walked off, damn Tim?”
… Even though I had already walked away from there, I could still hear their conversation. What Tim wondered about was true. The reason I was in a good mood today was because I had decided to ask Theerak for his LINE. I
had thought about it for several days before making this decision. This week was the last week before the semester break, and I wouldn’t see him for almost two months.
Throughout the time I’d been watching him from a distance, I had been trying to approach and get to know him. However, starting a conversation with someone was quite difficult for me. I rehearsed greetings in my head every night before bed, but when it came time to actually talk to him, I didn’t have enough courage. I was afraid he wouldn’t be impressed with me.
I know it’s strange…
Strange that I’ve been watching Theerak for so long but haven’t even gotten to know him yet.
But trust me… you can love someone without ever having spoken to them.
If talking face-to-face was too hard, chatting through text might make it easier for us to get to know each other. With that thought in mind, I gathered the courage to ask for his LINE. Ball had just told me that lately, seniors and juniors had been exchanging LINEs a lot to discuss school matters. This method wouldn’t make him too suspicious of me. Even if he did suspect something, it wouldn’t be enough for him to figure out that I had a crush on him. Then, I could slowly build a relationship with him.
I sat under the earleaf acacia tree as usual, waiting for the juniors to finish their activities before I’d go ask for his LINE. But today, I couldn’t sit still for long. Maybe it was because I was too excited, causing me to get up and pace back and forth nonstop. So, I had to find something to do to calm my excitement, and checking his Facebook might help settle my mind.
Theerak’s Facebook was public, so I could keep up with his updates. Finding his profile wasn’t hard since he was friends with Ball. He was the reason I started using Facebook again after deactivating it when I broke up with Jam. I figured that once we got to know each other, I’d send him a friend request. By then, I could like his statuses and photos without worrying that he’d get suspicious. Just the thought of getting a little closer to him made me smile.
Like right now, I wanted to like the photo he posted last night from his friend’s birthday party.
But wait… soon enough, I’d be able to do it.
At this moment, my heart felt like a balloon filled to the brim with gas. It swelled and floated in the air. It was a feeling I couldn’t explain. All I knew was that the more it expanded, the happier I felt…
But as I scrolled past his latest post suddenly, that balloon burst.
“Theerak, In a relationship with Mew.”
It didn’t burst because it was overfilled with happiness. Instead, it was pierced by that status, shattering right in my left chest. All I could do was stare at that sentence. No matter how much I wanted to escape the reality in front of me, I couldn’t take my eyes off it. Soon, the side effects of the balloon bursting began to cause a dull pain, spreading numbness throughout my body.
I once thought I could accept it if he ended up with someone who wasn’t me, but today I realized I was wrong. I can’t come to terms with it at all, because deep down, I’ve always hoped that I’d be the one to possess that smile. Everything that’s happened can’t really be blamed on anyone since it’s a matter of feelings. But if I think it over again… someone did make a mistake and is being punished for it.
That person is me.
I was too slow… I don’t know how many steps behind the person in his heart I was, but I stumbled on my own. This must be the punishment for someone like me who lacks courage. After that day, I took a break to recover. I didn’t ask for his LINE and let time pass until the semester ended. During that time, I tried to make peace with it, constantly telling myself that even if I couldn’t be his lover, I’d have to accept whatever role I had in his life— because I couldn’t cut him out of mine.
And this love made me realize something…
There’s no love where you can truly prepare your heart. There’s no love where you don’t hope to possess. Because even though I warned myself to hold back, even though I told myself not to hope, I still had to take this long to heal.
I spent all my time working, some days practically sleeping at the shop. My friend Real noticed something was off and kept pressing me for answers, but all he got was silence. I didn’t tell him anything until he eventually begged Yam to call and ask me instead. But Yam didn’t get any answers either. Not only did she not get a response, but she ended up being the one questioned.
“Yam, I saw you post a picture with a junior named Mew on Facebook.”
[Oh, Mew? She’s a junior from high school… she’s studying at your uni now, right? Same faculty too, I think. I’ve seen her pictures. But we haven’t talked much lately.]
“Yeah, same faculty… Is she a good person?”
[…Do you like her, Fah? I think she might already have a boyfriend.] “No, I don’t like her. I just wanted to know if she’s nice.”
[She’s nice. Cute, kind, one of the sweetest juniors, really.]
“Okay…”
[Is something up, Fah?]
“No, nothing. I’ve got to get back to work.”
[Alright, don’t overdo it, Fah. Call me anytime if you need to talk.]
“Thanks.”
I just wanted to be sure… to make sure that this girl could make my sweet person happy too. I admit I’m not a good person, because I’ve never once felt happy that they’re together. But at least I’m not a terrible one either. Because before I go to bed, I always pray for him…
I pray that Theerak is really happy with this love.
I pray that Theerak keeps smiling a lot, like before.
And the last thing I pray for before sleep is… I hope he never has to feel pain from love.
For the two months of the semester break, I didn’t hear anything about him. I deactivated my Facebook again and kept working at the restaurant to think about him less. But the food I ordered every day made me realize I never stopped thinking about him at all.
I ordered crispy pork basil rice with fried egg every day.
Every time I return to sleep at my condo, I like to open the secretly taken photos of him to look at them to ease my longing. This action helps me miss him less, but it also makes me suffer more at the same time. Like right now, as I’m looking at his pictures while sitting on my favorite sofa, just a few more weeks until the semester starts. I should hurry up and prepare my heart soon so that I can get to know him without other things lingering in my mind. Get to know him in any way possible, as long as I can come to terms with it…
After looking at his pictures for a while, I prepare to lock the screen to go take a shower. However, a call comes in, making me stay and talk first.
“What’s up, Mom?”
[Where are you, son?]
“Today, I came back to sleep at the condo.”
[Li complained that you hardly come home lately.]
“The restaurant’s been busy with lots of customers lately, Mom. I’ve been tied up.”
[Son… is something wrong?]
“…”
[Fah…]
“Mom… at the start of the semester, I fell in love with someone.”
[…]
“If he’s not a girl… would you still love him the way I do, Mom?”
[I don’t know how it happened, son, but the fact that you overcame every feeling and became certain that you love him… even though he’s a guy too… why wouldn’t I be able to love him?]
“…”
[This time… it’s really tough, isn’t it?]
“Yes, Mom.”
[And how are things now, son?]
Mom probably sensed it from my voice to ask that question. No one understands my heart like Mom does.
“It’s completely shattered, Mom.”
My world has fallen apart. After saying that to Mom, I feel a burning sensation in my eyes like never before, and something lodges in my throat, stopping me from speaking further.
[My Fah’s heart… can you handle it?]
“…”
It’s at that moment that a teardrop falls from my eyes onto my favorite watch. The glass face is smeared with tears I didn’t even realize had fallen. I raise my hand to touch the side of my cheek and feel the dampness on my palm, making me realize…
In truth… I probably can’t handle it.
[Fah… if it hurts, let yourself feel the pain. No matter how much your heart hurts, let it hurt, son. But if it hurts too much to bear, just take a break. We can rest, Fah… you don’t have to force yourself to be strong all the time.]
“…”
[I know your personality well, Fah. You’re the eldest child, and Papa always taught you to be strong and responsible.]
“…”
[But you can’t apply that to love, my child.]
“I have never talked to him, Ma. I can only secretly watch him… but I’ve already fallen for him so much.”
[I understand now… it’s not strange at all that you feel this strongly for him. This time, you let him into your world, Fah. When we allow someone in, it means we have no walls.]
“…”
[With this person… you have no barriers protecting your feelings, Fah. And because you’ve been the one watching him all this time, you’ve fully absorbed him into yourself. That’s why you feel so much.]
“…”
[Right now, what is he in your world, Fah?]
“He’s my strength, my smile, my happiness, my pain…”
[He’s everything to you, Fah.]
“…”
[I won’t ask what happened to make your world collapse like this, but I want to tell you, Fah… the hardest thing is getting over your own feelings. And you’ve managed to do that until you’re confident. Even if you face something heavier than this, you’ll get through it.]
“…”
[And if this love really doesn’t work out… I want you to understand that even though we make him everything in our world, it doesn’t mean we’ll be everything in his world too. Because maybe he’s building a new world with someone else… we have to accept that, my child.]
“I’m trying to accept it, Ma. You can’t force feelings… I understand that well.”
[Because I know you’re someone who accepts reality, I’m not too worried about you, Fah.]
“…”
[If it’s too hard to handle right now, I want you to think back to when you first fell for him… what made you happy back then?]
“Seeing him smile, Ma.”
[Really, your happiness was just seeing him smile. It’s that simple, my child… In the end, no matter what role you play in his life, isn’t the most important thing being able to see him smile every day?]
“…”
[I believe that no matter how much you want to be the one in his heart, if it means his smile disappears… when that time comes, you’d be willing to do anything to bring his smile back.]
“Thank you, Ma… thank you for helping me figure out how to handle my feelings.”
[No one is stronger than love, my child.]
“…”
[But even so, I still hope you’ll find fulfillment, Fah… fulfillment in the sense of knowing each other, being in each other’s lives… no matter in what way.]
“Yes, Ma.”
[Keep fighting, my child.]
After talking with Mom that day, I felt unbelievably better. I could think about him without feeling tormented, and I’ve started to come to terms with it. I even think that by the time the semester starts next week, I might be fully healed and able to get to know him.
This love has taught me so many things. It made me realize that, in truth, I never really understood love, nor did I know how to love. My past relationship with Yaem, which ended, is clear proof of that. Even though I loved Yaem a lot, back then I loved myself more, and that’s why we broke up. As for this new love that just began, I still don’t know how to love properly either—because I loved him more than myself, which caused me pain.
I don’t know what good love is supposed to be like or how to love correctly. But for now, I only know that I need to split my love equally between myself and someone else… Love him as much as I love myself, Theerak. This amount of love will help sustain a relationship forever…
And it’s as if love wanted to toy with me again after I’d finally accepted things. I was preparing myself to get to know him, confident that I could handle whatever role he’d give me. But two days before the semester started, a junior named Mew came to drink at my shop with Yam. That’s when I found out they’d broken up three days earlier. It was Theerak who ended it, with the reason being…
‘We tried, Mew. I’m sorry that I couldn’t feel anything for you beyond friendship… I’m sorry.’
Yam recounted the whole story to me after Mew left. That’s when I learned that Theerak only agreed to date Mew because circumstances forced him into it. Even though Theerak was the one who broke it off, I think both of them must feel equally bad. And besides love teasing me, it played a joke on me too—because Yaem asked me to get back together.
“I feel like no one’s like you, Fah, anymore. Ever since we broke up, I’ve never been serious with anyone else…”
“Yaem… I’m sorry.”
“…”
“Right now, I have Theerak.”
“…Rak, Fah?”
“The junior who was Mew’s boyfriend.”
“Fah?”
“Yes… He’s a guy, and I’ve already fallen for him.”
“…”
“I’m sorry for disappointing you.”
“When you asked if Mew was a good person, Fah…?”
“I just wanted to make sure he’d be happy. If he could be with someone good.”
“…”
A little over a week after the semester started, Theerak got close to Panli. My plan to get to know him was pushed back again because he became my little brother’s close friend, which means I have to think everything through even more carefully now. Panli is someone who loves his family and friends deeply. If I’m going to do anything, I have to be sure it won’t put my brother in an awkward position.”
And because he was close to Panli, it gave me a glimmer of hope. Panli liked talking loudly on the phone, so I could catch every detail of his conversations with friends. Most of it was about senior guys hitting on Theerak. My little brother turned out to be a better guard dog than I’d expected—he unknowingly blocked everyone who tried to flirt with Theerak on my behalf.
So, I stopped worrying. Over the course of a month of gathering info from my brother, I learned that Theerak was quite open-minded. He didn’t limit love to just between a man and a woman. From listening to Panli talk about Theerak to our nanny in the kitchen for the past month, Panli said this friend treated everyone equally, without discrimination. Even when he knew some people felt more for him than just friendship or being a junior, Theerak never once acted poorly toward them.
Hearing that sparked even more hope in me. I wasn’t demanding a status like others who wanted to possess him, so there should be enough space for me to stand. After that, I gave myself some time to gather more info about him, to soak in a bit more of his personality before stepping into his life.
I spent about a semester studying him from afar, making sure that when I finally approached him, it wouldn’t be a mistake. At the very least, he’d have to be somewhat impressed by me.
When the new semester started, I, a third-year student, prepared to introduce myself to him as planned. But that week, Theerak fell ill and missed almost all his classes. I could only keep tabs on him by secretly listening to Panli’s phone calls. When I heard he’d recovered and would return to class the following week, I got ready again.
But that week, the professor assigned us to go on a field trip for nearly the whole time, pushing my plan to meet him back once more. I didn’t lose heart—just wondered if anyone else’s love life was as tough as mine.
Then one night, after returning from the field trip to an art gallery with friends, I decided to head straight back to my condo instead of stopping by the restaurant to check on things. I wanted to rest fully after days of little sleep. I’d driven several kilometers past the shop when I noticed ten missed calls from Panli. When I called back, I found out Theerak was going to a senior’s birthday party in our faculty. The reputation of the birthday host, which I’d heard plenty about, made me turn the car around immediately.
And that night became the starting point of me getting to know him…
You, the sea, created so many memories for me without even realizing it. I admit you’re incredible—someone so small, yet able to make someone as big as me both smile and cry because of you. I pulled my thumb away from the lips of this stubborn little one and stood up to my full height before scooping him into my arms. The person in my embrace squirmed and let out a soft hum from his throat. I laughed at his cute antics.
“Let’s get you to sleep comfortably in my room, you stubborn little thing.”
“…”
The one with half-closed eyes responded with a faint twitch of a smile, as if he were sleeping and having a good dream. So, I took the liberty of carrying him to lie on my six-foot bed. After setting his small frame down, I walked over to grab a framed photo of him from his first year and tucked it into a drawer. Then I flopped onto the bed beside him. Lying on my side, I propped my head on my hand and gazed at the little one, whose face was now turned toward mine.
“I love you so much… do you know that?”
I only dared to ask because I knew he was fast asleep. I reached out to hold his hand, then secretly borrowed his hand to place on my pillow. Seeing no sign he’d wake up easily, I gently rubbed his left ring finger, playing with it as I’d always wanted to. As I touched his left ring finger, a story my dad told at last year’s wedding anniversary came circling back to me…
“When I was young, your mom had tons of suitors. I was her close friend who secretly loved her and didn’t know what to do. One day, we went to an event together, and your mom fell asleep on the tour bus. The other friends were asleep too, so I secretly took her hand and kissed it—but it had to be on the left ring finger… like staking a claim in advance. It was my own belief. You don’t have to believe it, Fah, but now we have two kids together…”
I still remember how Dad laughed with delight. Mom, who only just found out her hand was secretly kissed while she slept, kept hitting Dad’s arm out of embarrassment. I don’t know how much I should believe Dad, but in the end, I lifted his hand…
And it was when I pressed my lips to his left ring finger that I realized I believed Dad with all my heart. If this action could make him mine for real, I’d be willing to take more than just a beating… I kissed his left ring finger briefly before pulling my lips away. “Sorry for believing Dad too much.”
“…”
“But I’m staking a claim first, okay?”
“…”
Even though I could accept any role he’d give me, I also had to admit that… deep down, I still hoped.
“I want us to grow old together like Mom and Dad.”
TBC
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